August is National Catfish Month

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by Traci

No, you did not read that incorrectly, and no I did not make that up.

In fact, National Catfish Month has been in place for over 20 YEARS. It was appointed to honor the U.S. farm-raised fish as well as the great farmers all over the country who take care of them.

But really, you didn’t click on this post because you’re a fish enthusiast, right?

If you’re like me, your brain probably immediately went to this image:

“Hi, I’m Nev. And this is my buddy Max.”

I’ve previously live blogged an episode of Catfish before, but many hopeless internet daters have come and gone since then. Nev and Max have exposed us to many fake people across the country, and they’ve also let us into their own special bromance that I can’t get enough of (But also, I love Nev and would probs try to Catfish him again if he didn’t have a girlfriend).

So I thought it was only appropriate to celebrate National Catfish Month by honoring our own American heroes – the ones who have helped bring a dose of reality to dozens of people in the U.S – as well as the Catfish they’ve caught in the past two seasons. Here are a list of the best Catfishes (so far).

5) Sunny & Jamison

Sunny’s search for her true love Jamison was the very first episode of the series and really set the tone for the show. Turns out Jamison is really Chelsea, who created the profile to get revenge on a friend. But then we find out she’s bisexual and actually really likes Sunny. She’s also been teased a lot as a teen, and just wanted to be liked for once without the judgement of how she looked. Unfortunately, this is a common theme throughout the series, which explains why a lot of these folks make up the fake profiles.

4) Lauren & Derek

OH MY GODDD WE’RE IN DEREK’S DRIVEWAY

Lauren met Derek on MySpace and have been dating for the past 8 years. In those 8 years, she’s had a baby, was engaged, and broke it off because she still had faith in her relationship with Derek – whom she’s never met. What’s crazy about this is that they met on MYSPACE. Tom would be so proud. Anyways, I hate to admit that this episode actually made me cry. It’s probably because of Lauren’s dad, but also maybe because she never doubted that he was who he said he was. Even Nev, who is usually the one who thinks ‘it’s really them‘, had to express his doubts that Derek wasn’t real. One of the few successful stories in Catfish history, Lauren and Derek go down in the internet record books.

3) Trina & Scorpio

Call me crazy, but this may be the first time I’ve sympathized with a stripper. A stripper who goes by ‘Trina the Natural’. And in all honestly, she’s the one that made this episode so great, not “Scorpio” aka Lee, who has 4 children instead of 2 like he told her, and is actually 32 and not 27 years old. She seemed so hopeful about Scorpio – and one of those women who are way too smart and charismatic to be an ‘exotic dancer’.

2) Cassie & Steve

The second season of Catfish didn’t disappoint. Cassie had been through a lot over the past few years, after her father was brutally murdered. Amid alcohol, drug use, and sleeping around, Cassie found solace in a guy she met online named Steve. They built a relationship and she began to turn her life around – and she even asked Steve to marry her – to which he said yes. Too bad he wasn’t real, because he turned out to be Cassie’s best friend IRL, Gladys. Oops. Gladys insisted she only did it to help Cassie turn her life around, which I guess is a good reason, if any?

1) Jasmine & Mike

If you only watch one episode of catfish, let it be this one. Jasmine had been in a relationship with Mike for the past two years, but had online chatted online and texted – never met or talked on the phone. Turned out that Mike was a girl named Mhissy, who Jasmine knew in real life. Mhissy was getting back at Jasmine for not leaving her boyfriend alone after they hooked up. But the first confrontation is out of this world – I don’t know how Nev and Max made it out of there alive.

12Aug2013

Breaking Up with Breaking Bad: 11 WTF Scenes We Leave Behind

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by Traci

Has everyone recovered from Sunday’s episode of Breaking Bad yet? Are we still in denial that that was the last season premiere ever? The correct answers are no, and yes, respectively.

With Breaking Bad’s last eight (now seven) episodes airing in the next couple of months, it prompts us to reflect on the past five seasons with shock and awe, wondering how we ever lived without this show in our lives.

It made us laugh, made us cry, made us angry, and probably most paramount of all – make us scream WHAT THE FUCK at our TV screens like lunatics time after time.

So while we impatiently await the next episode but still want it to never end, the least we can do is take a look back at some of the greatest WTF moments throughout the years.

Season 1, Episode 2: Cat’s in the Bag

It’s only the series’ second episode, and (creator) Vince Gilligan has the balls to write something like this scene. Actually, one of the reasons I’m assuming he wrote the infamous bathtub scene is that he wanted to show that ‘hey, this isn’t a regular TV show. We’re taking risks here and you should watch what we’re doing.’ If that’s what he was going for, it worked, because this was the first time I realized this show was going to be like nothing I’ve ever seen before. Also it was absolutely disgusting.

Season 1, Episode 6: Crazy Handful of Nothin’

In addition to the dead tub guy (a drug dealer), Walt manages to kill another dealer, Krazy-8, just three episodes in. The guy who replaces Krazy-8 is a guy named Tuco, who we see a lot of in the series. When Jesse goes to make a deal with Tuco, he gets beat up bad, and steals the meth. In retaliation of stealing Walt’s precious blue drug, he blows up Tuco’s safe house by throwing a crystalline nugget to the floor. SCIENCE, BITCH.

Season 2, Episode 12: Phoenix

This is one of the most heartbreaking scenes in the entire series. Jesse finally finds love with Jane (played by Krysten Ritter), who I only knew as Rory’s annoying friend at Yale on Gilmore Girls. Anyways, although they were both users, Jesse found someone – and somewhere- to focus his life on besides drug dealing. And it all went down the drain overnight when they used and fell asleep. Meanwhile, Walt makes a deal with Gus (our good amigo Gus), who offers to buy the blue meth but gives him only an hour to deliver the drugs. Obviously Jesse isn’t answering bc he’s half dead, so Walt breaks into his apartment to find the J + J asleep – until Jane turns over it all goes downhill. Walt watches Jane die without helping her, and we watch Walter White turn into Heisenberg in mere seconds.

Season 3, Episode 7: One Minute

{starts at 3:49}

It’s Hank Vs. the scary as hell Salamanca twins. That’s all you need to know. There is blood involved. You need to know that too.

Season 3, Episode 12: Half Measures

Jesse wants revenge against the drug dealers who killed his buddy Combo, and who are also selling Walt & Jesse’s blue meth. The only catch is that the guys are using an 11-year-old kid to sell the drugs – and he was the one who shot Jesse friend too. But because Jesse’s main character ‘flaw’ is that he’s good at heart, he can’t go through with killing the dealers. So when they’re about to come face to face, Walt rolls in to “save the day” … in his own Heisenberg way.

Season 3, Episode 13: Full Measure

One of the best season finales ever, Walt orders Jesse kills Gale, the nerdy chemist who is the only one who can perfectly duplicate WW’s blue meth recipe. But again, Jesse needs to prove himself by letting go of his ‘conscience’ and just kill Gale. Except the episode ends with the camera on Jesse, staring down the barrel of the gun, pointing it directly into Gale’s face, and the screen fades to black. HELLO?!

Season 4, Episode 1: Box Cutter

We had to wait an entire year – A YEAR – to find out what happened after Jesse shot Gale. So suck on that all you binge watchers – try waiting an entire year for a resolution to the Gale story. But this – this episode showed us just how much of a monster Gus was. Warning: a lot of blood. A LOT.

Season 4, Episode 13: Face Off

Easily the most shocking thing that’s ever happened in the history of television, I bet my entire DVD collection that no one could have seen this coming. I had to watch it at least three times to make sure it really happened. HIS. FUCKING. TIE.

Season 5, Episode 5: Dead Freight

Oh hey, Landry from Friday Night Lights! You’re such a good guy – except for that time in season two when you *SPOILER ALERT* killed the guy who attacked Tyra and threw his body into the river. But I mean other than that, you’re just a kid who made it on the football team and loves playing in a metal band called Crucifictorious, so you definitely wouldn’t be able to kill an innocent kid who just happened to stumble upon an illegal scheme. Oh that’s right – you’re not Landry, you’re crazy Todd, who would ACTUALLY DO THAT.

Season 5, Episode 7: Say My Name

{starts at 3:05}

TBH, I didn’t really care that much for Mike, until season five. We saw the softer side of him, and we also saw Jesse bond with Mike in a way that he never could with Walt. So by the time this episode came around, it was absolutely heartbreaking to see him go after being so close to getting out of the business.

Season 5, Episode 8: Gilding Over All

Before Walt killed Mike, he refused to give up the name of his nine henchmen, who Mike had been paying off to keep their mouths shut. Mike manages to get the names from Lydia, and Walt arranges for all nine guys + Mike’s lawyer to all be killed at once. Thanks to ~~Landry’s~~ Todd’s ties to some Aryan gang in the prison (because fucker is shady as shit), the prisoners kill the nine guys all at once in one of the most scary scenes I’ve ever scene. I don’t like horror movies, but this is more than good enough to take its place.

BONUS

Season 4, Episode 11: Crawl Space

Because, acting. #ALLTHEAWARDS

9Aug2013

Kidz Bop Lyrics: Fact Or Fiction

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by Molly

If you’ve been unfortunate enough to listen to Kidz Bop, there are a few things you’ll notice:

Not all of the lyric changes are even necessary to make things kid-appropriate
If lyrics reference alcohol, drug use, sex, or poor grammar, they will be changed to reference things like having fun with friends, eating food, or school.
Like Rated R movies dubbed for the USA network, much of the language makes absolutely no sense once it is cleaned up.
Children in Kidz Bop songs say things that no child has said since the ‘50s. If ever.

Some of the following are real Kidz Bop lyric changes. Others are Cookies and Sangria Originals. Can you tell the difference? Answers are at the bottom of the post.

(1) Bandz a Make Her Dance (Juicy J)

Real Lyrics:

Bands a make her dance
Bands a make her dance
All these chicks popping pussy
I’m just popping bands
Bands a make her dance
Bands a make her dance
These chicks clappin’
And they ain’t using hands

Kidz Bop Lyrics:

Bands’ll make me dance

All you kids are playing records

I like hearing bands!

Bands’ll make me dance

All the kids are clapping

Let’s all clap our hands!

(2) Hot N Cold (Katy Perry)

Real Lyrics:

You change your mind like a girl changes clothes.

Yeah, you, PMS like a bitch I would know

And you over think, Always speak Critically

Kidz Bop Lyrics:

You change your mind like a girl changes clothes

Yeah, you change your mind like a girl I would know

And you always think, always speak cryptically

(3) The Lazy Song (Bruno Mars)

Real lyrics:

Tomorrow I’ll wake up, do some P90X

Meet a really nice girl, have some really nice sex

And she’s gonna scream out: ‘This is Great’ (Oh my God, this is great!) […]

I’ll just strut in my birthday suit

And let everything hang loose

Kidz Bop Lyrics:

Tomorrow I’ll wake up do some P90X

Meet a really nice girl, send a really nice text

And she’s gonna write back “you’re so great” ( OMG you’re so great) […]

I’ll just strut with nothing to do

And let everything go through

(4) Bitches Ain’t Shit (Dr Dre Featuring Snoop Dog)

Real lyrics:

Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks

Lick on these nuts and suck the dick

Get the fuck out after you’re done

And I hop in my ride to make a quick run…

I used to know a bitch named Eric Wright

We used to roll around and fuck the hoes at night

Tight than a motherfucker with the gangsta beats

And we was ballin’ on the motherfucking Compton streets

Kidz Bop Lyrics:

Bringin’ the chips, hohos, and twix

Licked all these nuts, and feelin’ sick

Get the fun dip after you’re done

And I hop on my bike to make a snack run…

I used to know a kid named Eric Wright

We used to run around, eat fudge the whole darn night

Treats that my mother found with the gummy b’s

And we were noshin’ on your mother’s stash of Cadburies

(5) Glad You Came (The Wanted)

Real lyrics:

Turn the lights out now

Now I’ll take you by the hand

Hand you another drink

Drink it if you can

Kidz Bop Lyrics:

Turn the lights out now

Now I’ll take you by the hand

Hand you another dance

Dance it if you can

(6) Get Lucky

Real lyrics:

We’ve come too far to give up who we are
So let’s raise the bar and our cups to the stars

She’s up all night ’til the sun
I’m up all night to get some
She’s up all night for good fun
I’m up all night to get lucky

Kidz Bop Lyrics:

We’ve come too far to give up who we are

So let’s raise the bar and look up to the stars

She’s up all night to the sun

I’m up all night chewing gum

She’s up all night cause it’s fun

I’m up all night, aren’t I lucky?

Answers: (1) Fiction (2) Fact (3) Fact (4) Fiction (5) Fact (6) Fiction. Thanks for playing!

8Aug2013

Celebrities, Will You Accept This Rose?

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by Traci

Listen. It’s no secret I watch The Bachelor. The ninth season of The Bachelorette came to a close on Monday, as Desiree Hartsock became engaged to Chris Siegfried after a seriously dramatic two part finale. I personally felt like this season was lackluster up until last week’s shit show where Brooks suddenly peaced out, so now that we’re closing Desiree’s (mostly boring ) chapter, we can look forward to The Bachelor.

Luckily for Bachelor Nation, this year’s fan favorite – Venezuelan-pro soccer playing-single dad- rico suave Juan Pablo Galvais was announced as the next Bachelor, and the crowd literally went crazy upon hearing this news. Scanning Twitter, ladies were saying left and right, ‘Where do I sign up?’ Even past Bachelorettes have offered to sign up again (I’m looking at you Emily Maynard).

Juan Pablo, Latin Lover – hater of shirts. PS: He went to Roberts Weslyan College in our hometown of Rochester to play soccer. So I mean, six degrees.

This got me thinking: who would I go crazy for and actually submit an embarrassing audition tape just for the chance to go on a group date with them? Of course I would absolutely never do this, but in the event celebrities decide to try out these reality TV dating shenanigans, I’m available. If Charlie O’Connell can do it, so can these guys, right?

Taylor Kitsch

Oh Tim Riggins. Just the thought of you makes girls across the world swoon. And while 33 may have been a player on Friday Night Lights, Taylor Kitsch has kept his love life on the DL ever since he became popular. So is he dating someone? We wouldn’t know. We would know if he became The Bachelor, and ladies would literally swoon during the rose ceremony. It wouldn’t be the first time.

Leo DiCaprio

We all know Leo exclusively dates models. So how entertaining would it be if he was The Bachelor? I guess I wouldn’t be able to join in on the fun – but on the plus side, it could be a mix of Bach + America’s Next Top Model, and Tyra Banks would still be there to be a crazy woman third wheel.

John Stamos

Because he’s 49 years old, and deserves love. Also, who wouldn’t want to date Uncle Jesse?

Idris Elba

oh, to be that smart water bottle.

To add to the older men of the list, Idris is 40 years old and may have a daughter, but as we’ve learned on The Bachelorette, a lot of people are okay with that. I would be okay with that if I could hook up with Idris Elba.

Nick Jonas

NO APOLOGIES FOR THIS PHOTO. NONE AT ALL.

Listen, guys. I am unapologetic for the fact that I like the Jonas Brothers. And while I was never a total fangirl over them, I appreciated their music, and most importantly, I appreciated Nick Jonas. He recently posted that photo above, and everyone was all, ‘whoa, when did Nick Jonas get hot?’ He got hot when he turned 18, that’s when he got hot. And recently he confessed he’s into older women because ‘they know what they want.’ Um ok, there’s only a six year difference between us Nick, so I’m totally down for a “cougar” version of The Bachelor.

2 Chainz

Although it would probably end up more like Flavor of Love, I just want to see 2 Chainz hand out roses/gold chains to his potential girlfrans, then shout 2 CHAINZZZ out loud.

Chris Harrison

The host of The Bachelor franchise is single and ready to mingle, so wouldn’t it be great to see the tables turned on him? He’s said he’d never do it, and it would be hard to fill his own shoes as host/therapist, so maybe it wouldn’t work. But so many soccer moms would line up to get a rose from him.

5Aug2013

Are You Ratchet?

Posted in Entertainment by Molly

Sometime in the past year, I realized just how old I am. A term showed up describing a subculture, and I had no clue what it meant. Yes, ratchet. Urban Dictionary has a few definitions, but frankly I’d avoid that unless you’re cool with 13 pages of white boys using the words “slutty” and “ghetto.” Google images helped a little more, but it still didn’t completely clear things up. I believe it was Helen Keller who said that ratchet “cannot be seen or heard, but must be felt with the heart.”

Here’s my take on it: a “ratchet” person is an outspoken and possibly brash young woman who favors ostentatious or eye-catching “urban” fashion and other facets of hip-hop culture. She displays marks of conspicuous consumption, but is associated (correctly or incorrectly) with urban areas of lower socioeconomic status.

However, that definition is kind of boring. In case you’re trying to work through whether you, yourself, are ratchet, please consult this handy guide instead:

(1) Did you learn the definition of ratchet from Urban Dictionary?

The ONLY ratchet definition from Urban Dictionary that was fit to print on our website.

You’re probably not ratchet.

(2) Okay, did you learn the definition of ratchet during a conversation about a Miley Cyrus video?

You’re probably not ratchet.

(3) In the past year, have you had a conversation about a fact you learned from the John Tesh radio show?

You’re probably not ratchet, and may be my mother. Hi, mom.

(4) Did you learn how to twerk by watching a YouTube tutorial?

You’re probably not ratchet.
Or, you are ratchet, and are just really tenacious about developing your skills, like a ratchet Hermione Granger. I get you.

* In my mind’s eye, Ratchet Hermione Granger has bucktoothed grills and wears a Gryffindor-colored bustier under her dress robes — but also, “ratchet” seems more Slytherin.

(5) Do you care at-freaking-ALL about whether or not I think you’re ratchet?

You’re probably not ratchet.

(6) Within recent memory, have you lamented the decline of panty hose in women’s fashions?

You’re probably not ratchet.
Or, you are ratchet, but have to wear professional attire for work and always feel a little less-than-polished every time you wear a skirt without hose.

(7) Was Sean Combs still going by Puff Daddy the last time you were at the club?

You’re probably not ratchet.
Or, you are ratchet, but are really more of an introvert, which is fine.

(8) Did you learn the definition of “ratchet” by writing a question in to Yahoo Answers?

Trick question. You’re not ratchet, but that’s only because every Yahoo Answers question is written by the same confused but well-intentioned 14-year-old girl who doesn’t quite know how to use Google.

(9) (a) If someone referred to you as “nasty,” would you be offended?

You’re not ratchet.

(b) Is the reason you’re offended because you’re assuming they mean “nasty” in terms of being unkind, rude, and unpleasant?

You’re not ratchet, and seem like an old lady.

(10) (a) Do you own hoop earrings with your name written across the middle?

That doesn’t mean you’re ratchet.

(b) Do you own earrings with “Ratchet” written across the middle?

Now you’re ratchet. Unless that’s your name.

(10) Last one: are you Miley Cyrus?

Oh, honey. You’re not ratchet. Your dad wrote Achy Breaky Heart.
(note: Noah Cyrus… Maybe)

2Aug2013

Farewell to the Men of SNL

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by Traci

Last week, we were given the unfortunate confirmation that we’ve all been dreading: Jason Sudeikis is leaving the show after 10 years. And that, my friends, is proof that bad things come in threes – first Bill Hader, then Fred Armisen, and now Sudeikis. Not to mention Seth Meyers is leaving at the end of this year to go be a talk show host – which is a move I can get behind. But with all of these folks are departing, there will be a giant hole where these men leave their legacy. While I do have faith that my boys Taran Killam and Bobby Moynihan will carry the torch, we’ll definitely miss the longtime SNL players and their great characters. Here are some of their greatest sketches over the past seasons…

Bill Hader

Joined in 2005

Fun Fact: Hader was discovered by a comedienne who worked with him in a LA comedy troupe called “Animals From the Future”. She suggested to SNL executive producer/godfather of comedy Lorne Michaels that he would be really good on the show. That woman? Megan Mullally of Will and Grace.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: the brother in Kissing Family

The family that kisses together, stays together? I mean I guess. This sketch is so disgusting but it’s like a car accident – you can’t look away. Paul Rudd is one of the best hosts that has ever walked into the Vogelcheck family.

Herb Welch: crazy old reporter man with a knack for putting a mic in people’s face

What’s sad is that Herb Welch is probably a real reporter out in middle America somewhere. The fake dying gets me every time.

Alan Alda/Back to the Future

Hader is one of the greatest impressionists that has even been on SNL, and his Alan Alda is so spot on that it’s crazy. Just close you eyes and it’s almost as if Alan is in your ears auditioning for a hit 80s movie. Also, Fred Armisen as Prince .

Keith Morrison – Dateline

If you’ve ever watched Dateline, you know that Keith Morrison’s intros are particularly odd for some reason. And Hader’s follows suit.

Stefon

Presented without commentary.

Fred Armisen

Joined in 2002

Fun Fact: Fred went to the School of Visual Arts in New York City, but dropped out to begin a career as a rock drummer.

Garth and Kat

I feel like this might not be as popular as I think it is, but I literally cry from laughing so hard at this. Their off the cuff songs are so ridiculous and with Wiig just trying to follow Fred is worth it in itself.

Nooni Schoener

Nooni. You’re saying it wrong. Nooni. The accents that Fred and Maya use are beyond …

President Obama

Fred + Maya + Obamas + classic duet = Unforgettable sketch

Ferricito

Fred hasn’t done his Ferricito character in a while, yet I still find myself saying “I just keeedinng,” but no one ever gets the reference. I should probably stop saying it so much.

Governor Patterson

Remember that time New York had a legally blind Governor? The way both he and the real Governor deliver horrible jokes is just so bad it’s good.

Bonus: Fred as Joy Behar on The View. ‘So what, who cares?!’

Jason Sudeikis

Joined in 2005

Fun Fact: Jason’s uncle is George Wendt, aka Norm Peterson from Cheers.

Male A-hole of the Two A-Holes

You’re A-holes in these sketches, but I still don’t believe that you’re both A-Holes IRL. Bonus Jon Hamm & Mad Men cast in this too!

Dancer on What’s Up with That

Literally, all Sudeikis does in this sketch is dance in 80s gear. And it’s amazing. This sketch never makes sense, so why does his dancing have to?

One half of Bon Jovi opposite band ‘Jon Bovi’

Jon Bovi: the two band Bon Jovi parody tribute band with Sudeikis and Will Forte. When I work at the theater, Brian and I would rename the shows. It started because there was a play called “Crowns,” and a lady called up asking for tickets to “Hats.” This sketch is similar.

ESPN Classics

Am I the only person who has ever seen Ladies Bowling on ESPN Classic for real? If you’re not a freak like me, this sketch is pretty much spot on. Sudeikis’ awkward Vagasil promos is almost as awk sauce as the Vogelcheck family.

Joe Biden

Perhaps his most famous role on SNL, Sudeikis brings that charming demeanor to our Veep that makes you want to hug him after he says ridiculous things.

1Aug2013

Life Lessons From ZOOM

Posted in Entertainment, GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by Molly

I live my adult professional life by the principles of the late-90s reboot of Zoom. Yes, the PBS children’s show. This wasn’t intentional. In fact, I didn’t even realize I was doing it until I sat down to write a post about Zoom, at which point I discovered that the show had leached into my subconscious and bled all the way through to my working life. Sure, I’ve learned a lot from higher education and on-the-job experience — but everything I really needed to know, I apparently learned from Zoom.

1) Always cheer for your friends.

Remember how every time they were playing a game, all of the kids would cheer for everyone who was competing? They’d be all “Go Zoe! Go Jared! You can do it, Zoe! You got this, Jared!”. At twelve, I thought that no real kids actually did this — you picked who you wanted to win, and that was that. There was a lot more smack talk in my childhood.

Now that I’ve grown up, I realize that I take a Zoom approach to other people’s success. As long as it’s one of my people getting ahead, I’m happy. That’s not to say I won’t work like crazy so that I’m the one getting the good project, or the promotion, or whatever. But, if a friend or colleague is recognized, that’s almost as good as a victory for myself. You aren’t in competition with your friends or even your co-workers, is I guess what I’m saying. It’s good to be happy for people. ZOOM Games taught me that.

2) The zip code in Allston is 02134.

True story: I had to mail something to Boston a few months ago, and didn’t have the exact address. I was able to look it up on Google maps because I had an approximate zip code, thanks to that damn theme song that is still in my head after 14 years.

3) Sometimes you just need to learn something by watching people.

I’m talking about ubbi-dubbi. I could lapse into ubbi dubbi this second. But ask me to explain how to do it, and it would be super confusing. However, if you watched a few clips of the Zoom-ers speaking it, you could ubbi-dubbi with the best of them. This definitely happens in the adult world — when long, step-by-step instructions fail you, sometimes the best thing to say is “hey, can I watch you do that once?” and you’ll get it.

4) If someone has an idea, you have to listen to them for instructions. If you’re giving instructions, you have to make people listen to you.

I wish someone had told me that 90% of being an adult with a professional job was just being kind of pushy so that people would do what I need them to do. Since Zoom was a kids-only show, one of the Zoomers would be the one to explain the rules of a game or how to do a craft. Unlike real children, the other Zoom kids listened with rapt attention. I definitely try to do that when someone’s telling me something important. But when you’re the one giving orders, you have to speak loudly and clearly and look the other people straight in the face, just like Keiko and Buzz did – unless you’re working over email, and then you have to do the email equivalent of that.

5) Positivity And Perseverance Will Keep Your Team On Track

While the “being pushy so people do what I need them to do” thing does come up a lot, I much prefer it when people just respond to teamwork. It’s not a cool trait at all, but I’m plucky, like an adult American Girl doll or a character from a Haley Mills movie. No kidding, one of my higher-ups praised my “can-do attitude” when I took over a book series. Well, you can thank PBS afternoon television for that. Zoomers didn’t give up, even when they were losing or really, really struggling. And when you’re working with other people – whether a production staff or the other kids on your balloon toss game – your positive attitude translates to everyone else. My work is deadline heavy, and as the editor in charge, I can’t say “this is awful, we’re running so late, and by the way it’s your fault because you forgot to do part of your job.” It works much, much better to let everyone know that we can do this, and that as the one responsible, you’re going to do everything you can to get the job done.

6) Crowd-Source Your Content

PBS knew that adults couldn’t always come up with fun kid activities, so most of the games and recipes were sent in by kids. I can’t prove this, but I feel like it was almost always Stephanie M. from Toledo, Ohio. This is definitely the way to go in most real-life professions, too. I mean the “getting feedback from your target audience” thing, not so much the Stephanie M. thing.

7) Sometimes People Way Older Or Way Younger Than You Have Really Great Ideas

When you’re a kid, the difference between an 8 year old and a 12 year old is HUGE. Zoom spanned a pretty wide age range — you know those kids would not have been hanging out together in real life. Still, everyone learned from each other. If you’re starting out in your career and are way young compared to everyone else (that’s me!), or if you’re working with people half your age, don’t just write off those youths or fogeys. Caroline’s ideas weren’t always bad, you know.

8) Always have a healthy snack after school

Or after work, whatever. Or in the late afternoon, if you keep healthy snacks in your desk drawer. 9 times out of 10, when I hit that mid-afternoon slump, it’s some sort of blood sugar situation and a handful of almonds or an apple perk me right up (sometimes the only answer is caffeine. Zoom didn’t teach me that one. Also you know who couldn’t have nuts? Zoe. She was allergic). Thanks, Cafe ZOOM.

9) It’s OK if you show up in the same outfit as somebody else. Or everybody else.

Whatever, it was a good t-shirt.

10) Learning is cool.

My mom was an elementary school science teacher when I was a kid, so my childhood was all dissecting owl pellets and growing crystals. Although it was no Bill Nye or Beakman’s World, Zoom helped emphasize that learning new things is cool. When you’re working, that means jumping in headfirst to learn about a new task, field, or emerging technology. Props to Zoom Sci for that one.

29Jul2013

Extra! Extra! Newspapers Go Pun Crazy Over Royal Baby!

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by Traci

Well, y’all – the baby the U.K. and most of the world has been waiting for is finally here. Prince George Alexander Louis appeared on the steps of St. Mary’s hospital, swaddled in the finest cloth, and held by his royal parents. And while I was grinning like an idiot watching Prince William carry the future king in a baby carrier and putting him in the car, news editors around the world were putting together their front covers and headlines for the #royalbaby. I’m assuming they’ve been thinking of these puns for a while now, which makes it even more embarrassing for those whose names are attached to the publications. Here are a few quality covers from newspaper around the world.

The Sun – London, England

The editors at The Sun have probably been waiting to use this pun headline for a realllly long time.

Daily Mail – London, England

Unlike The Sun, the Daily Mail didn’t give the impression that they’ve been planning a #royalbaby headline out for a long time. Also, is there a reason why Prince Charles is on the cover and not the couple that actually became parents? Like, does the “Prince Charles fandom” exclusively ready the Daily Mail?

Metro

Apparently the Metro couldn’t get rights to a pic of the couple with said ‘boy’, so they opted for a stock photo. And that ‘a prince, an heir, and a precious child’ line sounds like three different people. Also the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

Evening Times – Scotland

Sorry lady, but does anyone really care that you gave birth to a girl within minutes of Prince George? It’s kinda like how local news reporters find the first baby born into the new year and ambush the parents at the hospital. Does anyone besides that baby’s family care that they’re on the TV? No. Scotland doesn’t care that this couple had a baby either.

The Courier Mail – Queensland

Well played Courier Mail. You get second place in Traci’s pun contest 2013.

The New Zealand Herald

The New Zealand Herald, however, does not. It doesn’t even make sense. You tried.

New York Post

The New York Post always delivers an amusing cover, and they didn’t disappoint with this one. Who else would photoshop a crown and silver spoon on an unnamed white baby?

Boston Herald

Oh Boston Herald. What are you doing. A ‘King’ sized baby? Really? Was this child really sized like a king??

Philadelphia Daily News

Philly editors try to master the British slang, while also providing readers with ‘fun facts’ about the royal birth. Hey, maybe one of the ‘fun facts’ is ‘lady in Glasgow has a baby girl MINUTES after Kate!’

Calgary Sun

Again, this pun doesn’t work. Just because the word starts with a ‘H’, doesn’t make it a pun of ‘Heir’.

Red Eye – Chicago

Why the Philadelphia Daily News didn’t think of this first, we’ll never know.

Edmonton Sun

Edmonton didn’t even try.

Daily Telegraph – Sydney, Australia

File under: STILL DOESN’T WORK AS A PUN.

Toronto Sun

Toronto, you win. You win all the pun awards. Celebrate at Arizona’s B-Bar and Grill for me.

BONUS:

Manchester Evening News

Because, irony.

In full disclosure, this is a satirical newspaper. Don’t worry, no paper is that ridiculous.

25Jul2013

Kleenex Owes Michael B. Jordan A Lot of Money

Posted in Entertainment by Traci

If you don’t know who the guy above is, you need to reevaluate your life choices (and also reference my HBM post from a while ago). Michael B. Jordan has been in a bunch of critically and fan acclaimed TV series and movies, but for some reason has never received the true recognition that he deserves. In fact, he’s been acting since he was 12 years old, and managed to be one of the few child actors who has not only been successful, but hasn’t gone down the Lindsay Lohan/Amanda Bynes route.

Michael has especially proven he’s at his best when it comes to dramas, pulling out performances that tug at your heartstrings to the point where you’ll cry until you’re out of tears and then you remember that one scene and you cry all over again. Of course, it’s a testament to the projects he chooses to do and the writing of said projects, but really, it takes a special kind of actor to make you weep uncontrollably. Here are a few of my favorite performances by MBJ that have made be question my sanity after shedding so many tears for fictional characters (save Fruitvale Station).

The Wire

I just started watching The Wire a few weeks ago, and unfortunately knew the outcome of Michael’s character, Wallace (obvs, spoiler alert). Michael was just 15 years old when played a smart kid who ended up on ‘the wrong side of the tracks’ in season one. Wallace spent his days as a drug dealer in the low-income projects in Baltimore, but you could tell he had a heart, especially when he was taking care of the younger kids in the community. He tried to leave the dangerous world behind and even gave the police details about the drug organization, but once the leaders found out about his snitching, they ordered Wallace’s friends to kill him. What’s so heartbreaking about this is not just the fact that he died, but that he had so much potential. Michael played him with so much hope, so much desire to want to be better, and the last few moments of his life live on much longer than his 12 short episodes on the series.

Friday Night Lights

Friday Night Lights was the program that introduced me to this gem of a man. Although Michael joined the cast for the last two seasons, he made a huge impact on the show when the characters’ (and fans’) loyalties switched from the Dillion Panthers to the East Dillon Lions. When ❤ Coach Taylor ❤ moved from a school with literally the best football team in the state to a school with no football team at all, he had to scramble to put together a group of guys who not only could play the damn sport, but wanted to do it in the first place. Someone who kind of involuntarily became the star quarterback player was Michael’s character Vince Howard. He was at his last straw with the law, and in exchange for not locking him up in jail, he promised Coach he’d play for the Lions. While Vince’s father was off in jail and his mom a drug addict, he had no real parental supervision or role models to look up to – until Coach came along. Eric Taylor may have been a father figure to a lot of his players, but none more so than to Vince. In this scene in the fifth season, Vince is feeling a lot of pressure to essentially, be an adult. Coach, with his infinite wisdom, helps him out.

Eric Taylor: I first met you, you were climbing out of a police car. People said you were a punk, you’d never last in the field. You know they still believe that?

Vince Howard: Screw them. I work hard for everything I’ve got!

Eric Taylor: I know you do and you ought to be damned proud about that. I am. I’m proud of you. Your teammates are proud of you. It’s about character. It’s about striving to be better than everybody else.

Vince Howard: Coach, my dad just got out of prison. He’s staying with me in my house… and I can’t stand him. My mom, she asked me to forgive him. To be ‘better’. And you’re asking me to be ‘better’. I don’t know how to be ‘better’ because he never taught me how! He never taught me how to be ‘better’! He’s not around!

Vince Howard: And I’m supposed to be ‘better’ than them? I’m supposed to be ‘better’?

Eric Taylor: Listen to me. I said you need to strive to better than everyone else. I didn’t say you needed to be better than everyone else. But you gotta try. That’s what character is. It’s in the try.

Parenthood

Because it’s hard to turn down Jason Katims and also because Jason Katims is one of the greatest TV writers ever, Michael had a fantastic arc on Parenthood as Alex, the troubled teen turned responsible adult who dated Haddie ~~and her horrible hair~~. I like to think that in some weird Katims universe, Alex is just a grown up version of Vince Howard. Alex is a recovering alcoholic who emancipated himself from his parents when he was 16 (the age of Haddie when they start dating), but now runs a local homeless shelter. Naturally, Haddie’s parents aren’t too excited about Haddie dating a 19 year old who attends AA and has his own apartment, but they come to love him as much as Haddie loves him. Alas, their course as a couple ran out, and surprisingly, it wasn’t their breakup that brought tears to everyone’s eyes – it was his breakup with Haddie’s mom, Kristina (played by the Emmy-snubbed Monica Potter) that felt like we were simultaneously breaking up with him too.

Alex: I just want to say I’m sorry for bringing you guys into my mess. I really regret that, Mrs. Braverman. I really do. I know that when we first started dating I wasn’t exactly what you guys expected.

Kristina: We’ve gotten past all that stuff. You’re like our family.

Alex: I know you probably already know this but you’re a really good mom. I lost mine a long time ago, and I feel really lucky to have gotten to know you, Mrs. Braverman.

Kristina: You’re a good kid, You’ve been through a lot. And we love you.

Alex: I love you guys too. Can you just tell your husband I said thank you for everything? Tell Max I said keep working on his jump shot, okay?

Fruitvale Station

If you see one movie this weekend, make sure it’s Fruitvale Station. No doubt this will break your heart into a million pieces, but now, more than ever, Americans everywhere need to see this film. Not to mention, if the above examples haven’t convinced you that Michael B. Jordan is one of the best actors of our generation (and deserves all the awards), then this will.

Based on a true story, Michael portrays Oscar Grant, a 22-year-old two time convicted felon, who’s turning his life around in hopes for a better future for his girlfriend in daughter. The movie mainly focuses on the day leading up to the moment he was fatally shot and killed by a BART (subway) officer in San Francisco who believed he was involved in a brawl that broke out on a packed train. And it was all caught on camera.

Thinking about it, Oscar is the adult version of Wallace (basically MBJ likes to play the same character evolved over time). Oscar is someone who’s had a rough past, and just when he tries to leave it all behind, injustice occurs. First-time director Ryan Coogler could have easily made Oscar seem like an ex-con who was killed and had it coming. But he and Michael decided to give Oscar Grant the legacy he deserves – the lasting impression that he was a good boyfriend, father, son. He humanizes Oscar so that viewers don’t even get a chance to think that he possibly could be in the wrong and “deserved” to get shot. Plain and simple: an innocent man was pulled off a train and shot by a transit officer who thought he reached for his taser and not his actual gun. And Michael plays it in such a way that makes your heart sink into your body the second you hear that gunshot. It’s as if that one sound was the sound of all his potential, everything that he could have been, a better boyfriend, a better father, a better son – all gone in an instant.

And I suppose this goes without saying, but make sure you bring some tissues with you. You’ll need them.

23Jul2013

The Wrath of Cons

Posted in Entertainment, Lists, Miscellany by Traci

As you may have heard, fanboys and girls from all over the world came to gather in San Diego this past weekend for the annual Comic Convention, better known as Comic Con. For the citizens of Los Angeles, the days leading up to the event are filled with, “Are you going to Comic Con?” The exodus out of the city is on par with Coachella. Just trade in the music, drugs, and hipster outfits for comics, nerds, and a shit ton of people in a hot convention center.

While Comic Con has transformed from an exclusive comic book/graphic novel weekend to an all out nerd fest for TV and movies as well, the fan base and popularity have grown exponentially over the years. Which got me thinking – are there other ‘cons’ out there that we just don’t know about yet? Could there be a ‘con’ that will be the next exodus out of LA? And exactly how weird will the people be that are attending it? Here are a few I found that you never knew existed, and probably never want to come across in your life.

Celebrity Impersonators Convention

Ever wanted to meet your favorite celebrities? Then don’t go here, because this convention is full of wannabes who lure you into thinking they’re the real deal. But I mean if you don’t mind taking a pic with someone who looks a lot like Cher and have friends who won’t be able to tell the difference, then this place is for you. Going strong for 12 years, the weekend-long convention is filled with talent shows, celeb mingling and even classes on how to be an expert impersonator.

Sexpo

Ron Jeremy & friends, because, porn.

If you were wondering, Australia is the place to be if you want to get in touch with your sexuality and hang out with a bunch of people who feel the same way. Sexpo (Sexuality and Adult Lifestyle Exhibition) is the world’s largest adult show, featuring the finest adult performers, meet and greets with porn stars, and vendors who sell the best sex toys in all the land. Don’t worry guys, Sexpo is actually in Brisbane this weekend, so you still have time to grab some tickets!

Sideshow Convention

You know, I just realized how dangerous this research could be. From a Sexpo to freaks at a Sideshow convention, even the NSA is going to be like WTF is wrong with this girl? All for the sake of the internet. You’re welcome. The annual Inkin the Valley and Sideshow Convention is held in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania and the foremost convention to see your favorite part of going to carnivals all in one convenient place.

Twins Day Festival

this photo is such a mindfuck

Fun fact: My mother is a twin, which means a) I’ve never been one of those people who think twins are ‘so cool’ or fawn over them, since it was such a normal thing for me. b) I could possibly have twins if I ever have kids. Yikes. Anyways, remember that episode of Full House where Nicky and Alex attend a twin convention to compete in a twin contest and the whole fam ends up going? And Stephanie meets a cute boy – and his twin brother – so she pretends to be her own twin too AND OMG IT’S LIKE AN EARLY ORPHAN BLACK. So that convention is a real thing, appropriately held in Twinsburg, Ohio every year. More than 3,000 sets of siblings (including, but not limited to twins, triplets, quadruplets, etc.) come from all over the world to wear the same clothes and marvel in human genetics. Good news for you twinnies out there – this year’s fest is August 2nd-4th!

Alcon

Listen, I’m not one to shit on people’s fandoms. Clearly. There have been Star Wars conventions, Twilight Saga, Simpsons, etc. But this one is the most head-scratching of them all – Weird Al Yankovic fan conventions, affectionately called, Alcon. It’s not really clear if there’s been one in the past few years, but there definitely has been at least one, which is one too many. At Alcon, fans can bid on unique Weird Al memorabilia, enter in a lip-synching contest, and you know, just revel in the parody master himself.

ROFLcon

ROFLcon is the first internet culture conference in existence. Basically if you don’t even know what ROFL means, you’re too out of the loop to even attend this event. The convention is a place where people can dress up like there favorite memes, and talk about it endlessly. Guest speakers have included the no-names behind the sites xkcd and 4chan, so again, if you don’t know what that is, don’t bother showing your face here, ya newb. lulz.

Zebra Con

Unlike most of these conventions, Zebra Con isn’t what it sounds like. This convention originated as a Starsky and Hutch fan gathering, naming the event after the Zebra 3 call sign on the TV duo’s car. Over the years, it’s transformed into a cop/spy/sci-fi convention, and a lot of “slash” fan fiction. I only recently found out what “slash” really means, which is fan work where two characters of the same sex are placed in sexual or romantic situations with each other. Like so: (caution: may be jarring for Star Trek fans. Or not). Sadly, Zebra Con ended in 2007, after more than 30 years in business.

Ohio Valley Filk Fest

This is the strangest, and most niche festival of all the cons listed here, as it’s a folk music convention, specifically with internet, sci-fi or fantasy themes. The weekend consists of workshops, songwriting competitions, and open-filking which is not a farm term or sex act. BTW that video above gave me so much second hand embarrassment that I couldn’t get through the first 30 seconds. Someone let me know how it is.

Anthrocon

dear lord this is horrifying

It only gets even weird from here, folks. Anthrocon is the world’s largest furry convention. ‘Furries’ are fictional animal characters and all these people find extreme pleasure in dressing up like them. Naturally. The annual event attracts around thousands each year, who come to scare all the children in Pittsburgh for the weekend (there’s some freaks up in Pennsylvania). This year’s event earlier this month, gathered 5,577 furries, and raked in $6.2 million!!! THAT’S A LOT OF FUR MONEY! The good news is is that the money goes towards animal charities, so I guess that’s a good thing? BTW, the theme this year was called, “The Fast and the Furrious.” Still creepy. A little funny, but still creepy.

BronyCon

We briefly talked about Bronies in the past, but it’s so much more than adults dressing up like My Little Pony Characters. BronyCon is fairly new to the convention circuit, having only been in operation since 2011. But the brony fandom (bro+pony=brony) is super into the kids’ cartoon, dressing up like the ponies, drawing fan art, creating fan fiction, etc. And most of them are 18 to 35 year old males. So, that’s cool. At least they can all hang together at BronyCon.

Mer-Palooza

I already love this one because I love a good ‘palooza’. This one in particular is for mermaids, and I always liked Ariel and her dinglehopper. Basically women (and men, I guess), from around the world swim to the port of Tampa, Florida to hang out and flip about. Listen, if Ariel can score a smokeshow like Price Eric with her fins, I’m willing to pretend to be a sea-human creature, too.