Super Specific Emmy Categories We Wish Were Real

I continue to not understand the concept of time, because apparently not only is it technically fall (the overwhelming abundance of pumpkin spice items everywhere I look has told me that), but it’s time for the Emmy Awards once again.

We of course have favorites going into the ceremony (This Is Us, Handmaid’s Tale, Atlanta, etc.), but what about all the standout performances by actors who have kicked ass this past season and didn’t get the recognition they deserved at the actual Emmys? Well we’re here to give them said recognition, and praise them for the excellent work that is just really super specific to their particular craft.

“Best Drama” is so overrated.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Scene Where She Helps Deliver a Baby She Also Gives Birth To

Tatiana Maslany, Orphan Black

EMMY WINNER TATIANA MASLANY. That’s all. That’s the only thing I’ve called the Orphan Black star ever since she finally last year. If you even only seen one episode of the show, you know it’s totally deserved, but anytime there’s an intense scene between another clone, it still blows my mind. Even til the end. Our beloved Helena finally gave birth to her babies, but because this is OB world, it wasn’t in a hospital, but rather in a dirty basement with limited tools and a crazy person wanting the newborns as a scientific case study. But in the end, it was sestra and sestra, Tat and Tat, facing each other and encouraging the other they have the willpower to deliver these miracle babies. I think the show ended perfectly, but it still won’t make me miss scenes like this on a weekly basis.

Best Rap In Response To Being Unfriended on Facebook

Issa Rae, Insecure

Oh so we blocking? 😅 #insecurehbo

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Have you been saved by Insecure yet? I was recently converted to this religious sect and I’m here to spread the gospel (read the holy book here). The second season of the totally snubbed Emmy show just ended last week, and it just kept getting better and better. On the second to last episode of season 2, Issa finds out her ex unfriended her on Facebook, and she went into one of her classic bathroom mirror rants. Except this one was no holds barred. Freaking amazing.

Outstanding Performance by a Female BFF Who Gives It To Ya Straight

Natasha Rothwell, Insecure

I NEED A FRIEND LIKE KELLI 💀💀💀 #InsecureHBO

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Speaking of Insecure, Issa’s BFFs in the show are all individually fantastic, but I have not laughed out loud more to the lines perfectly executed by Natasha Rothwell, who plays Kelli. She’s sassy, unapologetic, loyal, and keeps her friends in line. What more could you ask for?

Best Devastating Cry After Finding Out Horrible News

Gina Rodriguez, Jane the Virgin

I watched this video clip again on mute and I still started crying. Give Gina Rodriguez an Emmy already. She need something to keep her Golden Globe company.

Outstanding Pop Culture References, Comedy Series

Difficult People

As Gilmore Girls fans, we’re used to mile-a-minute pop culture references. But Difficult People is next level. Within just 10 minutes, you’ll not only be hit by 8 different celeb names, but really super specific references that only true pop culture/entertainment fans will get.

Best Fake TV Show on a Real TV Show

“Defamation”, Dear White People

Guys, we love us some Scandal, but it obviously can get a little ridiculous. And that’s what Dear White People parodied with it’s show within a show, Defamation. Like many fans of Scandal, the students at Winchester University had a weekly viewing party for Defamation, which in its very short clip had a woman having a secret affair with a politician. Sound familiar? It’s incredible.

Very close runner-up (might have been the winner but I had two Insecure winners already): Due North, Insecure. Includes Scandal star Scott Foley, Regina Hall, Christopher from Gilmore Girls, and slavery.

Best Performance By An Actor Who Deserved More Than His Character Got

Nick Jonas, Kingdom

See: My entire post about this bc I’m still annoyed.

Outstanding Performance by an Actor Who Did His Best Work Ever on the Revival Of A Beloved Series

Scott Patterson, Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life

Unfortunately, Lauren Graham still didn’t get an Emmy nomination/win as Lorelai Gilmore (add that to the list of your Steve Carell/Michael Scotts and Amy Poehler/Leslie Knopes of the world), but I feel like she has a better chance at getting nominated/winning one in the future than Scott Patterson does. Look, I’m a hardcore GG fan, but I understand that one of the biggest things Scott has done since GG ended in 2007 was a Lifetime movie. But he’s the perfect Luke Danes. And never has he been more perfect than in this classic Luke Danes rant in the Fall episode of AYITL, when he finally tells Lorelai what he should’ve told her 10 years ago. That he’s not letting her go and willing to do anything to fix their relationship. It’s the best I’ve ever seen Scott Patterson, and he admittedly agrees that it’s also one of his favorite scenes/best work he’s done in the show.

Best Barb

Shannon Purser, Barb, Stranger Things

Shannon Purser did a perfectly good job in a perfectly fine role. It’s just that there was nothing terribly Emmy-worthy in Barb, no matter WHO played her. This nomination came about not because the role was incredible, but because people just … liked Barb. And they wanted her to have a nice thing. It feels like the time Uncle Jesse’s Forever was voted the prom song in my high school, c. 2001. The point is, we should free up a space in the already tight Best Supporting Actress category and make a special category for the Barbs of the TV world. Next year, whichever minor TV character is the Barb of that year can win, but the category would still be Best Barb.

Best Early Plot Twist

This Is Us

In case you missed it, the pilot of This Is Us centered on four people who share the same birthday: actor Kevin, family/ business man Randall, supporting-character-in-her-own-life Kate and expecting father Jack. During the last moments of the pilot, you come to realize that Jack’s storyline takes place in the late 1970s and that he is the father of Kate, Kevin and Randall – and that Randall was adopted after Kate and Kevin’s triplet died as a newborn. Phew. It was gorgeous and we owe it all to hipsters, whose aesthetic is so ‘working class couple in 1978’ that I never even questioned what year Jack and Rebecca lived in.

Best Late Plot Twist

The Good Place

Like the early-in-the-game plot twist, a later plot twist has its own perils – in this case, it’s that everything that happened before it has to make sense in light of what you’ve just learned. You spend all of The Good Place thinking that Ted Danson’s character did a piss-poor job of designing a corner of heaven, only to learn in the season finale that he did a brilliant job designing his characters’ personal hell. In a moment, it all made sense – how these seemingly cruddy people landed in heaven, how unrewarding the eternal reward was, the constant calamity. We fell in love with Ted Danson during our Cheers watch last year, and that love only deepened when he let out that sinister laugh and his very persona shifted before our eyes.

Best Denouement

Big Little Lies

Do you remember back to elementary or high school when you would diagram a story? Rising Action, Climax, Denouement, Conclusion? In Big Little Lies, you knew it was all leading up to the fundraiser night at the school, when somebody-we-know would get killed by somebody-else-we-know. The climactic scene on the slippery steps was fantastic. But that’s the point where lesser shows would give up. Without saying too much, Big Little Lies resolved itself beautifully, culminating in that heart-twisting scene on the beach when you finally exhale – and you didn’t even realize you had been holding your breath until that moment.

Best Political Commentary By Somebody Who Shouldn’t Have To Be Doing This

Seth Meyers, Late Night With Seth Meyers

Seth Meyers shouldn’t have to do this, but it’s 2018 and here we all are, getting schooled on our crumbling world by gently witty late-night comics.

Best Multi-Dimensional TV Mom (Comedy)

Constance Wu, Jessica, Fresh Off The Boat

Emmy voters love nominating moms, especially in the Best Actress In A Comedy category. They don’t especially love nominating multi-dimensional TV moms, though. Or maybe writers just don’t like writing them? Anyway, as a special incentive to show runners who love to flatline mom characters we’re including this special, moms-only category. This year the witty, salty mom-of-the-90s – who totally has her own interests and also a favorite kid – takes the prize. Constance Wu, we love you.

Best Integrated Musical Performance That’s Not Supposed To Be Impressive

“Everybody Wants To Rule The World,” Mr. Robot

It sounds really specific but it’s honestly not. This is a musical performance that is (1) part of a show and (2) not meant as a spectacle, a la Nashville or Empire. The winner is the one that furthers the action, touches viewers, or gives you deeper insight into the character. This year, it was Angela singing Everybody Wants To Rule The World in that karaoke scene on Mr. Robot. It’s like you can see and hear all of Angela’s conflicts in these few minutes – is she being true to herself, and her principles, and is the payoff even worth it, and does she want power for a purpose, or just to have it? – and it’s a beautifully cut scene to boot.

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Another Gay Buried… Will It Get Better?

Anyone else watch Kingdom? No, just me? Maybe this isn’t the target demo for the MMA-centered drama, which just had its series finale a couple weeks ago. The Audience Network (yeah, it’s only on DirecTV) show featured a variety of complex and troubled characters, including Matt Lauria (of Friday Night Lights & Parenthood fame) and Nick Jonas (of smokeshow fame).

TBH, these two are the main reasons I started watching in the first place, because fun fact about me: I hate violence – in media and obviously IRL. But then I got sucked in to the family drama of it all and watched all three seasons until the very end. An end that I was not pleased with. On the scale of bad finales, it wasn’t How I Met Your Mother, but somewhere near Dawson’s Creek and Jen’s heart condition.

For some background: Revered MMA fighter Alvey (Frank Grillo) runs his own gym, where his two sons, Jay (Jonathan Tucker) and youngest Nate (Nick) train to keep his legacy alive. Nate is a rising MMA fighter with a lot of promise, but has been weighed down by the fact that he’s gay and constantly trying to hide it. His mom and brother are the only ones who know about his secret since they live in a bubble fueled by testosterone. By the final season, Nate actually finds a match in Will, even though they still keep their relationship (and his homosexuality) on the DL. But his secret starts to make its way around the MMA circle, and in the final season, another fighter passes him in the hallway before a fight and calls his a faggot, giving Nate even more pause in considering his decision to come out.

This brings us to the penultimate episode, in which Nate finally decides to come clean to his father during a drunk night out. So maybe telling your dad you’re gay when he’s absolutely shitfaced isn’t the best idea, but he did it. He finally got the courage to live his truth to the biggest influence in his life, and it doesn’t go well. In fact, Alvey even says to Nate, “You gonna tell me you’re a fucking faggot?”, which clearly hits a nerve. Nate understandably gets mad and walks out of the bar, drunk Alvey attempts to get him to stay, and in their inherent violent nature, Nate takes a swing at his father to let out all that pent up anger and frustration of his Alvey’s lack of acceptance out. Jay butts in and pulls Alvey off, but when Nate thinks Alvey’s going in for a second round and it’s actually the bouncer with a gun, he shoots him. Dead. Right there in a bar parking lot in front of his dad and brother.

It’s a harrowing scene that sets up the series finale, in which we learn that, yes, Nate is actually dead. The entire finale focuses on how his loved ones to cope with the untimely loss of the one truly good guy in their family.

Ok. So. A few things. Let’s get this one out of the way first – Nick Jonas is a fantastic actor. If you’ve only seen him in Camp Rock, Kingdom will definitely change your mind about his skills. His performance is subtle, yet commandeering, natural and not over the top. He’s an animal when he gets in the ring, but plays the purest of hearts when taking care of his drug addict brother and mother. Just look at this scene when he confirms to his brother/idol that he’s gay. The nuances of his acting is comparable to that of any award-winning actor.

Alright, so back to Nate’s death. Let’s discuss how annoying it is in general that his death came in the second to last episode, which inherently meant the finale HAD to focus on his family & how they struggles in the aftermath. Too much time was spent in memorializing a character who didn’t need to die in the first place, when the finale could’ve spent more time giving fans insight on the path each of the main characters was heading, long after viewers leave them behind. To their credit, they did do this to some extent, but most of their character developments were propelled by Nate’s death, not of their own volition.

But most importantly, I couldn’t help but think of one thing while I was watching this all go down – WHY? Why did they decide to kill off a character just moments after he came out as gay to his alpha male father? What is the “lesson” to be learned from all of this? Here’s what Kingdom creator Byron Balasco told EW:

“I wanted there to be real consequences for Alvey in terms of the mistakes he made as a father and as a man. You have to be mindful of the way you treat the ones you love because you do not always get a chance to go back later and fix it… I wanted a tumbling of emotions that gathers momentum where things get away from the control of our characters. I didn’t want his death to be cloaked in any kind of shame. It’s not about Nate being gay; it’s more about the inability of these two men to understand each other and to be honest with how they truly feel about each other.”

Sure, ok. A relationship between father and son is tender and complicated, but does death justify your storytelling? And while he says it’s not about Nate being gay, the truth of the matter is that it is. You can’t tell me that writers during this golden age of television don’t know about the Bury Your Gays TV trope, and if they do, they obviously choose to ignore it.

Just in case you missed the memo, this trope is usually related to lesbian TV characters, but expands to the LGBTQ community as a whole, in which there has been a trend of disproportionate deaths of said characters, and more likely than not, used to advance a main (straight) character’s storyline. In this case, Nate died because Alvey needed to truly understand and comprehend the mistakes he’s made as a dad and general human being, and his resolution comes in the final scene of the series, in which he breaks down alone after winning the most important fight of his life. But none of this was worth it.

In fact, Nate’s death was even more infuriating due to the lack of acknowledgement of his homosexuality in the final episode. Yes, Jay honors Nate before his dad’s fight by confirming Nate was gay and calling out anyone who had ever been homophobic towards him when he was alive. But it bothered me so much that Nate’s boyfriend Will wasn’t even in the episode. Not at his funeral. Not when his family spread Nate’s ashes out on the ocean. He wasn’t even mentioned. No, Nate didn’t “die because he was gay”, but for sure let’s not actually mention anything related to the fact that he was gay with another man.

Of course, there are many TV viewers who wouldn’t be surprised to hear yet another gay character has been killed off a show:

At the recent Television Critics Association summer tour, GLAAD hosted a panel where they revealed research which showed that there are 278 regular and recurring LGBTQ characters on TV, a majority of them (142 to be exact) are on cable (EG: Audience Network), and most of them are gay white men (EG: Kingdom). Of those 278, there have been 62 gay and bi female characters who have fallen to the Bury Your Gays trope over the past two years.

Yes it’s great that more LGBTQ characters are popping up on TV, but why is it so difficult to give them a happy ending? Or at least one which doesn’t result in death? What does that say to viewers who relate to them in a way they never have before? Similarly, I mentioned this in my #FirstTimeISawMe post, but it bears repeating – yes, representation is important, but it’s the accurate portrayals of minorities that must also be given weight. Yes, more black characters! But no thanks on black thugs. Yes, more lesbian characters! But no me gusta tomboys being used as a punchline.

In this era of division amongst America in particular, those who find themselves in charge of creating shows and films shouldn’t make characters just to fill a quota or portray a particular narrative. Falling for harmful tropes such as Bury Your Gays is a disservice to fans who are obviously connecting to a show for a certain reason, and how non-LGBTQ members react to the already marginalized group as a whole. I hope the more backlash showrunners get, the more they realize this type of storytelling needs to stop. It get better? Guess we’ll have to wait see.

A Very Scientific Process In Making the Ultimate Boy Band

Question: Do we need another boy band?

Keep reading if your answer is yes. Because the correct answer is yes.

Executives at ABC recently announced a new reality show called Boy Band, a 10-episode series coming this summer featuring aspiring male singers vying for a spot in a – you guessed it – boy band. Viewers can vote for their favorites, with the top five forming the final group. Think American Juniors meets Making The Band, but sans sketchy Lou Pearlman and with adults.

But what if the singers of boy band past tried out for Boy Band? Would they make the cut? We make the ultimate group based on a very scientific method: what the singer was like at the height of their popularity, their voice, their voice blending with the other voices, how their popularity would shine on a reality TV competition and my own personal opinion.

Nick Carter

 

OG Boy Band: Backstreet Boys

Vocal Function: Lead Tenor

Personality Function: The Heartthrob

Why He Would Make The Cut: Every boy band needs a lead heartthrob with a singing ability to make you swoon in your over-postered bedroom. Circa ’99, Nick Carter was the picture perfect dreamboat, made to make the cover of Tiger Beat, YM and Teen People all over the world. Every time he asked, “Am I sexual?”, the answer is always a screeching, “YES!”.

Harry Styles

OG Boy Band: One Direction

Vocal Function: Second Tenor

Personality Function: Silent Heartthrob

Why He Would Make The Cut: That face. That accent. The way he belts those notes. That hair. The way he puts his hands through THAT HAIR.

Nick Jonas

OG Boy Band: Jonas Brothers

Vocal Function: Counter Tenor

Personality Function: The Seemingly Serious One But Actual Sex Pot

Why He Would Make The Cut: I’m talking Jealous -> now era of Nick Jonas even though the JoBros doesn’t exist and I wouldn’t even really classify them as a real boy band. But Nick is a smokeshow, can hit those falsetto notes like nobody’s business and did I mention he’s a smokeshow?

Donnie Wahlberg

OG Boy Band: New Kids on the Block

Vocal Function: Bass

Personality Function: Bad Boy

Why He Would Make The Cut: Similarly to Nick Jonas, I’d say later era Donnie Wahlberg is primo Donnie Wahlberg. I saw him on the NKOTBSB tour with BSB and I was completely shook and quite frankly upset with myself that I had not been paying more attention to Donnie all these years. He is straight up beefcake, masculine to the max sexy, and his speak/singing voice will automatically take your undergarments off.

Joey Fatone

OG Boy Band:*N SYNC

Vocal Function: Baritone

Personality Function: Jokester

Why He Would Make The Cut: Joey is the type of dude who would thrive on a reality TV competition show. He’s such a ham for the cameras that audiences would lap it right up. See: Dancing with the Stars.

BONUS: Justin Timberlake would be the second one to make the group, but like Ikaika before him, he left to pursue a solo career. Nick Jonas takes his place in a dramatic results show episode.

Disagree? Agree? Chime in!

EW PopFest: A Recap Of Fangirling

While y’all were busy partying it up for Halloween over the weekend, I was dressed as a fangirl at the first ever Entertainment Weekly PopFest. TBH, I didn’t have to dress up at all, which is great, because I do not like dressing up for Halloween. My friend and I went to the first of two days at the event, which was filled with panels, screenings, book signings, live podcasts, concerts and more. I figured I’d share a little insider info for everyone who wasn’t in the Room Where It Happened™ and share my day with you in a recap. Keep reading if you’re a Gilmore Girls, Happy Endings, and/or Nick Jonas fan. Or if you just like reading.

To preface, we bought tickets specifically for the Gilmore Girls and Happy Endings programming at the PopFest. We had three panels/events that were at the top of our list, the Gilmore Guys podcast countdown show, Gilmore Girls conversation with Amy Sherman-Palladino & Dan Palladino, and the Happy Endings lost episode table read. Other bonuses included the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend performance, and sets by Lizzo, Janelle Monae and Nick Jonas. Panels/events we didn’t go to but existed: Supernatural, CW Superheroes, Oscar Contenders, Hailee Steinfeld, FOX Comdy previews, and more.

OK, got our bases covered. Let’s go!

Celebrities, They’re Just Like Us

While waiting in line to get in, we were near the talent entrance, and Jared Padalecki was kind enough to say a quick hi and wave to the fans. In case you forgot, Supernatural is still on and in its 12th season and its fans are still hardcore as ever. About 10 minutes later, the girl behind us asked if a man looking lost across the street was Kirk. And sure enough, it was Sean Gunn, standing by himself in front of the Los Angeles courthouse, on his phone befuddled and clueless as where to go. Sidenote: he wasn’t on the schedule. We guessed he was a special guest for the Gilmore Guys, more on that later. I snapped a bunch of pix of him because I’m a creep:

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But a very nice GG fan, wearing a black shirt emulating the end credits which read “Executive Producer Amy Sherman-Palladino”, nonchalantly went up to Sean and pointed out where the talent entrance was. It was a very nice interaction and she didn’t even ask for a picture or amything. Shout out to respectful GG fans!!

What Do You Think, Gillies?

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I’ve written about my favorite podcast the Gilmore Guys before, and admittedly I’ve seen them so many times live it’s bordering stalker level. But I swear I’m not. I just have happened to see them seven times live in LA, it’s fine. Anyways, instead of a regular episode where they spend the whole show talking about one episode, Saturday’s live show was a countdown of top five WB promos, top five characters who need a spin-off, and top five characters (one ep characters like Buzu Barnes the Zydeco player) and their ridiculous backstories. It was great. Gilmore Guys recurring guest Ross Kimball was on hand to join Kevin and Demi, and when they were intro-ing a montage of all of Kirk’s odd jobs, Sean Gunn himself “surprised” everyone by coming out and dancing to Rihanna’s Work. It was glorious.

He chatted mostly about the past seasons and little about the revival, mainly talking about said odd jobs, including a stint as Tevye in the Stars Hollow Elementary School production of Fiddler on the Roof. In case you forgot, he sings a ballad called Do You Love Me with a young girl, and although it was weird it was also weirdly tender? But Sean admitted he was nervous about singing in that scene, so naturally, he went to theater vet and Tony winner Ed Hermann for advice.

“One of the things I remember most about that episode was I was really nervous about how to sing the song, because I didn’t know if I should try to sing it as well as I could, or how Kirk would sing it … I was in my head about it… I remember pulling Ed aside and asking him, ‘You’re a veteran, how do you think I should play this?’ and him giving me the exactly right advice. I think he literally said, ‘Just get out of your head, man. Just go for it.’”

Also during the Tevye clip, Sean took a selfie with himself on the big screen, as seen here:

Seven Minutes in Heaven

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One of the cons of the festival was that the Gilmore Girls panel was right before the Happy Endings reunion and in the same room. After some wrong answers from volunteers and one very right answer from a very helpful volunteer, we found out we basically had to divide in conquer, which meant my very kind, GG loving & Happy Endings obsessed friend took one for the team and waited in line while I was hanging with ASP and Dan. Luckily, Amy did not disappoint both with the conversation and outfit wise – her iconic hat game was on point and she was wear a sequined shiny black top that Lorelai would’ve worn in a pink in seasons one and two.

Anyways, the moderator, EW’s Sam Highfill was fantastic, and asked great questions that hadn’t necessarily ever been asked before, and when she inquired about how they felt going back into the series after all these years, Amy said, “This shit’s in our DNA now… It’s like, I’ll be on my death bed and going on a (GG) rant… *says as an aside to Dan* I’m going first, by the way.”

THAT MADE ME ALMOST CRY BECAUSE, DO YOU REMEMBER:

Speaking of the late great Edward Herrmann, Amy revealed that they didn’t have a floor plan in order to rebuild the Gilmore house, so the production designers rebuilt it by watching old episodes. She said the old house felt (ironically) like dollhouse, and the new Netflix-budgeted one is much larger. She said, “It was finally big enough for Ed, and he wasn’t there… Ed looms large. He loomed large in life, and he looms large over these episodes.”

*Cue second set of tears*

Since we’re getting close to the revival (see: countdown clock), that means A) both ASP and Dan were more open to talking about it, and B) Promo clips are starting to surface – read: they brought along four new clips from the revival – a whole SEVEN minutes from in A Year in the Life. !!!

Because I am a purist and rule follower and HATE spoilers or anything resembling them, I’m gonna tell you right now, you will not find iPhone-shot videos of the new revival clips on this blog. The panel/clips were exclusive for a reason, and I’m sure they’ll be rolling them out over the course of the next few weeks. RESPECT THE WORK. However, I am willing to tease it for you.

Characters involved throughout the four clips: Lorelai, Rory, Luke, Babette, Michel, Taylor, Kirk, Gypsy, Andrew, Emily.

Location: Connecticut

Number of iPhones used to look up an actor’s credit on IMDb: one

City Rory is moving back to Stars Hollow from: Brooklyn

Level of diversity in revival: At least 10 more than the OG series thanks to an “international” even in the Hollow.

And since we received a few questions via Twitter, I figured I’d answer them here, because we need those clicks, baybeeee!

Q: ah did you record it?

A: No. Again, we are not in the business of being sued by Netflix or the wrath of ASP.

Q: do you know when we get to see it? Are they gonna release the footage they showed today?

A: You will definitely get to see it when they release Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life on Friday, November 25th 12AM PST.

Q: (I tweeted that the phrase “Singapore is just being a dick” was said in one of the clips) WHO SAID THIS OH MG GODDDDD

A: Ok, I’ll give you this one. It was Kirk. It’s Netflix now you guys. They can say things like “dick” and it’s totes kosher.

Q: Were the clips all from one season/episode?

A: Nope – Winter, Spring and Summer. THAT’S ALL I’M GIVING YOU.

Other notes:

ASP on guest stars: “When they (The WB executives) wanted stunt casting, they wanted Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and we’re like, ‘We’re going after Madeleine Albright!’ And Norman Mailer – he’s 200,000 years old.”

The dance marathon portion of the iconic They Shoot Gilmores, Don’t They? episode was shot in Birmingham High School in Van Nuys, giving all of us a good reason to visit Van Nuys.

If you thought the revival wasn’t going to feature a Gilmore girl wearing a bucket hat, you’d be wrong.

ASP on watching us watch the clips while they’re sitting on stage: “Can I just say, there is nothing more comfortable than sitting up here while other people watch your work. Something at Gitmo, maybe, might be a little more delightful?”

ASP on living up to expectations: “Hopefully everybody will be delighted and thrilled and charmed. If not – I don’t fucking know what to tell you. I tried.”

Overall, judging by the four clips, it has the same Gilmore tone that we know and love. I think it’ll take everyone getting used to the fact that the pop culture references are modern and not from 16 years ago, and the fact that it was shot digitally and not on film, making the actual quality look so much more different than you’re used to. If you keep those in mind and just enjoy the revival for what it is, I think we’re all going to be so relieved they did it right.

The Happiest of Endings

LOOK AT DAMON'S FACE STARING IN MY SOUL

LOOK AT DAMON’S FACE STARING IN MY SOUL

Right after Gilmore Girls, I snuck into the line for Happy Endings where my friend had been waiting, and we got in thanks again to the v helpful volunteer #Kayla. To this day, I still think Happy Endings is one of the shows that was most unjustly cancelled, and inexplicably picked up by other networks (HULU WHERE U AT THO). The writers from the series got together to write this very special episode, 401 titled Happy to Be Here. It took place 939 days after the season 3/series finale, and we find out that all six BFFs have parted ways – INCLUDING BRAD AND JANE – because of The Fight that happened the night of the Kerkovich sister’s wedding where we last saw the gang.

After finding out that their acquaintance Scotty has died, Penny (still single, but has been married several times on a Kid Rock cruise) and Max (who lives in D.C. now at an unknown job) decided to use Scotty’s death as a way to get everyone back together.

Penny: “Our group of friends has drifted apart. Like Robert Wagner and Natalie Wood” *this joke made the crowd go OOoooohhhhh in a What, Too Soon? sort of way

They first recruit Alex, who has a “Fortune 500 global lifestyle brand” in London. Because Xela. She agrees to get Jane, who has been living in Japan as an executive for Toyota in their sex doll division – it leads to awk scenes with her sis Alex. Because Jane and Brad split after The Fight at the wedding, Alex knew Jane wouldn’t go back to Chicago for Scotty’s funeral, especially if Brad was going to be there. So she lied and said Brad was the one who died. Apparently Jane still had feelings for him because she arrives back home in mourning.

Meanwhile, Max and Penny easily get Dave, who’s still in the food truck business and has been “retracing Jon Favreau’s road trip from Chef,” and also sporting a “a tiny Lin-Manuel Miranda beard” and a man-bun. Unrelatedly, he’s been working on his hip-hop musical called Hamilton… about the life of ice skater Scott Hamilton. Duh.

Then they heads off to the woods of Wisconsin where Brad retreated after he separated from Jane. He’s also got some facial hair which Max described him as looking like “the photo negative of a rabbi”. Brad has gone a little cray and a family of bears took turns “Revenant-ing” him, and he became friends with a bird (lover?) named Dustin.

Finally, everyone is back in Chicago where they belong, where hilarity and anger ensues (Brad and Jane eventually reconcile). Penny thinks she misses Scotty’s funeral and says, “I was supposed to sing ‘Torn’! Apparently, Scotty’s head was torn off his body by Brendan Dassey’s Sea-Doo” SO MANY MAKING A MURDERER REFS. And maybe my fave niche joke, Max recalls a Halloween without Dave where they dressed up as “the Central Perk Five… the one where Monica, Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler and Joey get falsely accused of ‘wilding.'”.

But the best part came when Derek, aka Stephen Guarino, aka DRAMAAAAAAA guy, and unexpectedly came out literally only yelling DRAMAAAA for a good minute while he walked through the audience and then had Adam Pally pour water on him. We screamed.

Two twists came at the end: Scotty wasn’t really dead, it was all an elaborate plan by Alex to get everyone together. Except Scotty ended up really being dead bc of the plan itself. And then, it cut to a dream scene, where Dave wakes up next to Alex (BITCH, IT’S IS 5:30!) the night before their wedding – aka the pilot episode. Recalling his dream (all three seasons), Dave says:

“Then a bunch of super weird stuff happened, but everyone was talking so fast, it was hard to follow… My dad was the tinfoil blanket brother from Better Call Saul and Penny’s assistant was Jane the Virgin. Brad was on New Girl, Max banged Schmidt from New Girl – man, I really gotta stop falling asleep to New Girl.”

In response, Alex asks Dave if people really leave their signif oth at the altar, suggesting she may actually leave for a dude on rollerblades, just like the pilot prophesied.

It was everything we could’ve hoped for and more, and we could barely stop laughing throughout the entire table read. #BRINGBACKHAPPYENDINGS!

Ending on a Literal High Note

Because smokeshow Nick Jonas.

photo-oct-29-8-24-04-pm

 

Winter Memes Make Me Feel Fine: #WinterStormJonas

Bad news East Coast/Mid-Atlantic: Your first real hit of winter is coming, or already here, depending on where you are. Hardest hit areas are expected to reach 2 feet of snow, while some areas might even get the dreaded ice storm. God bless.

Good news for the rest of the world: Said storm has been dubbed “Winter Storm Jonas”, which obviously sent the Internet on a tailspin. If this storm had been named Jonas pre-2005, we would’ve been going on MySpace making Weezer references. But we live in a world where Nick, Joe and Kevin (and bonus Jonas) exist and in a matter of minutes, memes appear on the world wide web comparing the coming blizzard to the sibling trio. It’s times like these that I really appreciate the golden age of the Internet. God bless.

Even Joe got in on the joke

And then, the Jonai on the map memes came (with some excellent hairstyles)

And then some edits with lyrics

And more fun with photoshop

Then folks who are hoping this storm means the return of the JoBros (and a dad joke for good measure)

And finally, when we all recognize who the only JoBro we want storming in on us is…

In summary:

Winter Storm Jonas: Unbearable at first:

Then the winds die down, you’re warm in your snuggie and you realize it’s not that bad:

Finally, the blizzard breaks apart and we all basque in that after storm glow when the city looks as dreamy as ever.

Things I’m Thankful For: 2014 Edition

HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y’ALL!! Hope you’re having a great day so far with your loved ones and stuffing your face with all the foods. There’s something about Thanksgiving that kind of makes me sentimental, since it’s one of the only major U.S. holidays that all Americans celebrate no matter what your background is (shout out to July 4th!). Of course, like previously mentioned, Thanksgiving IS about the majahh feasting that happens, but of course it’s a time to be reflective and thankful for all that we have. So here are just a few things I’m thankful for this year. Dig in!

  • Friends Thanksgiving episodes
    • For the past few years, I’ve started my own holiday tradition in which I watch all 10 Thanksgiving-themed episodes as part of a mini-marathon. I think I partly do this because Friends feel like ‘home’ to me, and since I’ve spent the past five years in LA and not back east for the holiday, it makes me feel like there’s some kind of longstanding tradition. Also, these are some of the best episodes of television ever (I ranked all the eps here!).

  • Portable iPhone travel charger
    • Guys, I finally bought one and it has changed my life.
  • Julian Morris on New Girl
    • I never thought I could ship again after Jess and Nick broke up but OHMYGOD freaking Julian Morris. And his face. And his accent. And his charmingness. Like I feel like I am actually Jess Day when she’s flustered around him. It’s insane. 
  • Chris Pratt finally getting the attention he deserves
    • PRATT!! He went from Andy Dwyer to mega movie star and I feel like a proud mom!
  • Coffee ice cubes
    • My favorite coffee shop has optional coffee ice cubes that you can add to your iced coffee (my fave bev) and that way, when the ice melts, IT’S STILL COFFEE.
  • Gilmore Girls on Netflix Instant
    • We love GG here, and the fact that I can now jump from all the Luke/Lorelai episodes and completely shut out April Nardini without having to get up and change disks is the best thing to ever happen to me.
  • Leggings
    • Because comfort, y’all.
  • Deciding not to go to our 10 year high school reunion
    • Molly and I chose to go to New York City the same weekend as our “10 year high school reunion”. After stalking pictures of the “event”, there were approx 10 people who went to the bar, all of whom we’re not friends with, so good call, past Molly & Traci.
  • GIFs
  • Nick Jonas-issance
    • I mean, God Bless America. 
  • Vanilla Almond Butter
    • So I started making flourless pancakes (one ripe banana, 2 eggs, mix and pour on skillet like pancakes) and I usually have a side of Justin’s Natural Vanilla Almond Butter and it is so ridiculously delicious. Why did I just find out about this recently?
  • #TGIT
    • Shondaland on Thursday nights has made appointment television a thing again, and it shows in both their Neilsen ratings and Twitter ratings. Basically, don’t even try to reach me between the hours of 8pm and 11pm on Thursdays – unless you tweet me.
  • Lupita Nyong’o
    • What did we ever do before you, Lupita???
  • The first Dunkin’ Donuts in Los Angeles
    • After years of waiting, LA is finally running on Dunkin’… now if they can just open one that doesn’t take me like 30-40 minutes to get to.
  • Tumblr tags
    • #the best part of tumblr is sometimes the tags #so much subtext
  • Amy Poehler’s Book, Yes Please
    • You think I was going to make a list of things I’m thankful for without mentioning our Queen??
  • YOU GUYS!!
    • Probably the most important item on this list – thank you all so much for reading, whether you’re loyal followers or if this is your first time visiting our site, we sincerely appreciate anyone taking time out to read the crap we put on here. We love you internet.

 

The Evolution of Nick Jonas

Last week, millennials who don’t follow the whereabouts of past-Disney child stars were shocked SHOCKED to see these new revealing photographs of former Jonas Brothers brother Nick Jonas:

I know what you’re thinking – he’s 22. It’s (legally) okay. Also, if this reminds you of something, it’s probably because Nick paid homage to the iconic 1992 photoshoot with Mark Wahlberg (of the Funky Bunch at the time) that made heads turn and launched his career into stardom. I imagine this will have a similar effect for Nick Jonas, because now people might think of him as more than just a former product of Disney. Not to mention, he has a new show coming out out DirecTV tonight called Kingdom in which he plays an MMA fighter- but more on that later.

So if you haven’t been following Nick like I have over the past few years (I’m a creep, it’s fine), you’re probably wondering how we go to the place where baby Nick Jonas is grabbing his crotch and you feel slightly turned on by it. Let’s take a quick walk through memory lane and see how he went from fresh-faced heartthrob to Hollywood hunk.

2007 – The Year 3000

Before the Jonas brothers became the Jonas Brothers in 2005, Nick had already had a successful career behind him – he had released a solo album and been on Broadway (which I ironically saw him in Annie Get Your Gun without even knowing). But obviously he became popular when the band blew up and it’s all thanks to Disney. Their cover of UK band Busted’s song Year 3000 was their first real breakout hit. I remember them promoting the shit out of it on the Disney Channel, and from there, they garnered a huge fan base. Nick, the youngest JoBro, was only 15 at the time.

2007 – Me and Mr. Jonas and Mr. Jonas and Mr. Jonas

That popularity helped them snag a guest role on Hannah Montana, where they played themselves. Incidentally, Nick had a small thing for Hannah Montana herself – is it art imitating life or life imitating art?? Just from this clip alone, you knew they were destined for bigger things. And that Nick was going to be trouble for Miley.

2008 – Camp Rock

Hot on the heels of High School Musical, Disney’s DCOMs (Disney Channel Original Movies) had found new life, and among them was this music summer camp movie, Camp Rock, featuring the JoBros and Demi Lovato. Nick didn’t really have a big part in the first movie, besides his hair. Seriously, props to him for not caving in to the flat iron peer pressure.

2009 – Grammys

Around this time, the Jonai were the One Direction of their time, which is a sad sentence for me to type out. They were nominated for Best New Artist at the Grammys, but lost out to Adele. Fair. Also around this time – my secret crush on Nick was starting to form. It was clear to me he was going to be the star out of the three of them. I mean look at him next to the other two. Joe looks like he’s auditioning to be in a reboot of Miami Vice and Kevin can’t wait to have sex with his new wife.

2009 – Jonas

The bigwigs over at Disney decided it was about time they give the JoBros their own TV show, and it was fittingly called Jonas. The boys played themselves with fake parents and an occasional visit from little brother, bonus Jonas Frankie. I’m not going to lie to y’all, I went through a serious Disney Channel phase that I didn’t grow out of until a few years ago. So I legit watched Jonas every week, and it really wasn’t THAT bad. I will say that in the clip above, Nick sounds super nasally but I still love this song. It’s the inner teeny bopper in me, what can I say?

2009 – Before the Storm

In what would be their last studio album, Lines, Vines, and Trying Times, Nick basically sings solo on a song called Before the Storm featuring his ex-girlfriend Miley Cyrus. The song is obvs about their relationship, so when she show up unexpected at the concert seen in the video, it was a big deal. While it seemed like they had a brief rekindling of their romance, Miley went off to film The Last Song shortly thereafter, and the rest is history. Probs for the best though.

2010 – Nick Jonas and the Administration

Nick’s nickname in the band/family was Mr. President because he was always the serious one and had mentioned as a youngster his political aspirations. It’s clearly too late for that now. But he took that nickname and ran with it and started a solo project. The lead single Who I Am did okay, but it still didn’t bomb like Joe’s attempted solo album. Anyways, Nick even went on tour with the Administration, and I have no shame in saying that for my birthday in 2010, I went to see him in concert. H8rs to da left.

2010 – Camp Rock 2

Of course Disney needed to ride on the Camp Rock wave one final time. Luckily for Nick fans, this movie actually featured a plot/love interest for him, and not just Joe/Demi. Nick likes to woo his girls by playing guitar and singing and TBH if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

2010 – Jonas LA

So Disney bosses decided the New York City-set Jonas needed a revamp so after some tweaking, the show returned, but this time in LA. However, Nick’s penchant for acoustic guitar serenades did not go away.

2010 – Les Miserables

Nick returned to his theater roots by performing in the West End production of Les Mis as lovelorn Marius. Fun fact: he actually played baby Gavroche on Broadway in 2003. Anyways, in addition to his West End run, Nick also played Marius in the 25th anniversary concert, which was a polarizing part for theater nerds all over the world.

2011 – Hairspray

In a role that was seemingly made for him, Nick played teen heartthrob Link Larkin at the Hollywood Bowl production of Hairspray. I got to see this live and let me tell you, the screams you hear in this video are not from the cast members. They are from real fangirls in the audience who were going crazy over Nick’s hip movements. I was so impressed with his vocal range here and my crush grew even more.

2012 – How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Nick made his triumphant return to Broadway by filling in for Darren Criss and Daniel Radcliffe before him. And the fact that the show closed weeks after he started has nothing to do with his performance. Actually I have no idea, he could’ve been horrible for all we know, but look at how good he looks in a bow tie!

2013 – Hawaii Five-0

As the reality of the Jonas Brothers’ demise was sinking in, Nick was out to prove that he was more than just a guy in a boy band, and had a recurring role on Hawaii Five-O. I’m not exactly sure what he did, but his hoodie is open and revealing his chest.

2013 – The Instagram reveal

You know those moments when you hear news for the first time and you’ll always remember where you were and what you were doing at that specific time? I feel that way about when I saw this picture. I remember staring at it on Instagram in awe and unwilling to believe this was the same Nick Jonas I had been secretly pining for over the past few years. He says it was his diabetes that inspired him to take better care of his body. I mean whatever, man. You do you.

And thanks to the magic that is Nick’s Instagram/the internet, we have been graced with even more photos of Nick and his muscles. Mainly his muscles.

Probs serenading a girl he’s trying to woo.

IT’S LIKE HE’S PHOTOSHOPPED.

IS HE FLEXING OR RELAXED NO ONE WILL KNOW

2014 – Solo project Take 2

With his hot bod and hot girlfriend and hot bod, Nick debuted his post-Jo Bros sound, and it’s actually quite good. It’s a lot different than Nick Jonas and the Administration. There’s a lot of R&B, hip-hop and even some Motown-y vibes in the new stuff and it shows a more adult side that he was never able to play before. Also, I’m obsessed with this song.

 2014 – Kingdom

That brings us to Kingdom, a new drama series which premieres tonight. Part of Nick’s bodybuilding training also has to do with the fact that he plays an up and coming MMA fighter who comes from a long legacy of prestigious fighters. I admit that this type of show doesn’t necessarily look like the kind I’d be into, but when you have Nick Jonas and Matt Lauria of Friday Night Lights/Parenthood fame, you best believe I’m DVRing the shit out of that. And I can’t wait to see where Nick’s career takes him from here.

Fall TV Rookies to Watch

It’s Day 4 of Back to TV Week, and today we’re giving you a handy guide as to who you’re going to be obsessed with for the new TV season. Okay, maybe we won’t make your expectations THAT high, but the following folks are either completely new to TV or have been secondary players for a while and are finally getting their shot at being big time TV stars. So feel free to judge these actors based on the blurbs below before you even see any of their shows, or just watch them when they come on your television sets next month. (Helpful tip: All the folks I chose are from shows I think are worth watching for at least one episode!) Mix and match, trade one for the other, whatever you feel is best for your personal TV viewing. Game on!

Alfie Enoch, How to Get Away with Murder

Stats

Previous Work: Sherlock, Broadchurch, oh and Harry Potter. All of the movies. BECAUSE HE WAS DEAN FREAKING THOMAS. DEAN THOMAS, Y’ALL!
Why You Should Watch Him: As a British actor, Alfie, sorry, Alfred, grew up doing all the Harry Potter movies and that’s what he became known for around the world. He stayed in his native England and worked on a few projects there, but this is the first time U.S. audiences are seeing him not only with an American accent but as an adult. Also, this show is from Shondaland and I will forever watch anything she creates. This is the show to watch this season.
When You Can Watch Him: Thursdays @ 10pm beginning on September 25th #TGIT
How to Get Away with Murder Trailer

Nick Jonas, Kingdom

Stats

Previous Work: Hawaii Five-0, Smash, Camp Rock, Jonas, Jonas L.A., the hot Jonas Brother
Why You Should Watch Him: I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Nick Jonas is the only Jonas brother worth caring about. Ever since his whole diabetes crusade, dude has gotten JACKED. Like, you’ve seen this Instagram selfie he posted, right? Which makes him perfect for this role as a young MMA fighter who has a ton of promise. Pair him with Matt Lauria from Friday Night Lights/Parenthood, and I’m sold.
When You Can Watch Him: Wednesdays @ 9pm beginning on October 8th on DirecTV’s Audience network
Kingdom Trailer

Joey McIntyre, The McCarthys

Stats

Previous Work: Boston Public, CSI: New York, Psych, New Year’s Eve, the baby of New Kids on the Block
Why You Should Watch Him: Boy banders turn to TV on their down time, apparently. Joey Mac isn’t really stretching his acting ability in this one – he plays a guy from Boston who is obsessed with sports. I know, not a stereotype at all. It’s a traditional mutli-cam sitcom, which means it’s perfect for CBS and moms in middle America. But I mean, for other people too.
When You Can Watch Him: Thursdays @ 9:30pm beginning on October 30th on CBS
The McCarthys Trailer

Tone Bell, Bad Judge

Stats

Previous Work: Key and Peele, Whitney, Chelsea Lately
Why You Should Watch Him: Tone plays a bailiff whose name is Tedward. Tedward Mulray. And if the name doesn’t convince you to tune in, you should know that even for a sitcom, he provides excellent comic relief. That’s not a slight to the fab Kate Walsh in the slightest, BTW. In the trailer alone, Tone stands out. If you watch The Mindy Project, he reminds me of the hilarious Tamra, who is ridiculous but will also set you straight.
When You Can Watch Him: Thursdays @ 9pm beginning on October 2nd on NBC
Bad Judge Trailer

Sarah Wright, Marry Me

Stats

Previous Work: Mixology, Men at Work, 7th Heaven, Parks and Recreation (Jerry’s daughter Millicent who dated Chris!)
Why You Should Watch Her: I feel like she plays a somewhat innocent straight girl on sitcoms a lot, but that’s because she’s great at it. It’ll be fun to see what her relationship is like with Casey Wilson’s character in this show, and if it goes one for at least more than one season, Sarah is sitting pretty for her TV career.
When You Can Watch Her: Tuesdays @ 9pm beginning on October 14th on NBC
Marry Me Trailer

Karen Gillan, Selfie

Stats

Previous Work: Doctor Who, NTSF:SD:SUV, Guardians of the Galaxy
Why You Should Watch Her: If you watch Doctor who, Karan is no rookie. However if you’re an American who’s not into that kind of stuff, Karen is a fairly unknown to mainstream television. Selfie’s a take on My Fair Lady/Pygmalion and her name is legit Eliza Doolie, and her mentor to make her less social media obsessed/more classy is a guy named Henry, played by John Cho. That’s right nerds, Sulu and Amy Pond are probs going to hook up if the show goes full season. And after seeing the pilot (which you can view online now), it has a good chance of a going all year.
When You Can Watch Her: Tuesdays @ 8pm beginning on September 30th on ABC
Selfie Pilot

Grant Gustin, The Flash

Stats

Previous Work: Glee, 90210
Why You Should Watch Him: He may have been an annoying Warbler from a competing school on Glee, but Grant is full on superhero in the much-talked about The Flash TV series. The CW is really capitalizing on its hottie heroes, and Grant is definitely going to join the ranks of his network pals. Also, bonus; Dawson Leery’s dad is in this show!
When You Can Watch Him: Tuesdays @ 8pm beginning on October 7th on CW
The Flash Trailer

John Mulaney, Mulaney

Stats

Previous Work: Writer on Saturday Night Live (he wrote Stefon sketches!)
Why You Should Watch Him: John Mulaney is mostly known for his stand-up comedy and work on SNL. After a year of his show floating around NBC, it found a home at FOX and now people get to finally see his starring show – and compare him to Jerry Seinfeld. Probably because the first scene in the trailer is him doing stand-up. I just really want him to do well. And I’m not just saying that because he’s a fellow Asian (he’s not).
When You Can Watch Him: Sundays @ 9:30pm beginning on October 5th on FOX
Mulaney Trailer

Ben Feldman, A to Z

Stats

Previous Work: Mad Men, Drop Dead Diva, The Mindy Project
Why You Should Watch Him: Oh Ginsberg. (Mad Men minor spoiler) I always knew you would go crazy one day. His role on Mad Men is completely different than as Andrew on rom-com A to Z. If you saw him on the Mindy Project, he’s much more like that on this new show than Ginsberg. And it’s fantastic.
When You Can Watch Him: Thursdays @ 9:30pm beginning on October 2nd on NBC
A to Z Trailer
Cristin Milioti, A to Z

Stats

Previous Work: 30 Rock, The Sopranos, The Wolf of Wall Street, Once The Musical, titular star of How I Met Your Mother
Why You Should Watch Her: Because if anybody deserves support on television, it’s Cristin Milioti. If you watched HIMYM and are on the side of ‘the last 10 minutes of the show didn’t actually happen’, you should watch A to Z. It has the same romantic comedy feel that HIMYM had, but hopefully this won’t end the same way. The pilot is currently available to watch before the premiere in October, and after having built it up so much in my head, I can say that it was worth it. A to Z is definitely on my must watch list this season.
When You Can Watch Her: Thursdays @ 9:30pm beginning on October 2nd on NBC
A to Z Pilot

 

An Analysis Of The Jonas Brothers Breakup, Through Lyrics

The Background

The JoBros announced this week that they were cancelling their tour. “It is over for now,” said Kevin, the brother who is allowed to have sex now.  Their spokesman – not “a source,” but actual spokesperson – said “there is a deep rift within the band. There was a big a disagreement over their music direction.” Nick Jonas, who is supposed to be the cute one, maybe?, said “the pro is that you have a really good support system. The con is that you are with the same people every day for a long time, which, if you’re family or not, can be a lot at times.” Ouch. Joe Jonas, the other brother, who is neither the youngest nor the most sexually active of the group, added glumly, “it was a unanimous decision.” If you’ve been paying attention to the lyrics, you probably saw it coming.

Our “Qualifications”

Did you see our post, A Psychological Analysis Of Miley Cyrus’ Lyrics? It was published before any singles on Miley’s new album dropped, well before the fated VMA performance, and it foretold the very things concern trolls were going to say about Miss Destiny Hope months later. Clearly, there were some secrets in her songs, and I was just the lady to extract them, by poking and prodding and contorting her lyrics until secrets exploded out like horrible cystic acne.

So, it’s like I’m some kind of combination of a psychologist, a psychic, a literary analyst, and an esthetician*.  CBS or FOX could make a series about me solving stuff via blog and cast a way more attractive person in my place. They could call it The Blog Psychic or The Lyrical Psychologist, though the latter sounds more like a Weinstein-y Oscars bait piece, especially if they cast a more attractive person in my place but fit her with prosthetics to make her less attractive. Just, you know, do a Full Halle. Really Charlize it. All of that.

When I saw that the Jonas Brothers broke up, I knew the clues were in their lyrics, too. They had to be. So, I Veronica Mars’ed it a little. And friends, the signs were there all along.

The Evidence:

Time For Me To Fly

Lyrics:

Time for me to fly
Time for me to soar
Time for me to open up my heart and knock on heavens door
Time for me to live
It’s time for me to sing
Time for me to lay down all my worries and I’ll spread my wings
Time for me to fly

Analysis:

This is early, early Jonas Brothers – vintage 2006 – but obviously someone was already pretty over it. Some may say that the lyrics about “heaven’s door”, wings, and “lay[ing] down all my worries” are oblique references to death and heaven. To that I say, Yeah. EXACTLY. It was T-7 years until the demise of the JoBros and someone was already ready to die to get out.

That’s Just The Way We Roll

Lyrics:

I woke up on my roof with my brothers
There’s a whale in the pool with my mother
And my dad paints the house different colors
Where would we be, if we couldn’t dream?

Analysis:

First of all, as you enter your twenties – as the Jonas Brothers have maybe, probably all done by now – children of unstable homes, all roof-sleeping with large aquatic mammals in the pool, slapping the  house in the wackiest colors Benjamin Moore could dream of, learn to create a little stability for themselves. That’s why the old one got married, and had or is going to have a baby. I forget which. Does it really matter?

The Langston Hughes-y line at the end of the verse says it all: Where would we be, if we couldn’t dream? Truly, what happens to a dream deferred? Does it shrivel up like a raisin in the sun, leaving you stranded on a tour bus with your adult siblings, singing pop tunes to a rapidly waning fan-base of young girls? Or does it explode, like so much water from the blowhole of a swimming pool whale?

Pushing Me Away

Lyrics:

You’re going nowhere
Try to fix what you’ve done […]
Pushing me away
Every last word, every single thing you say […]
try to stop me now but it’s already too late […]
If you really don’t care then say it to my face
Pushing me away

Analysis:

Wow, guys. Just wow. Pretty prescient, right? Going nowhere? As in, staying in one place? Because you are not on tour? A tour where you would, presumably, be going somewhere? Pushing me away – as in, out of our Band of Brothers? Signs, signs, everywhere a sign.

Sorry

Lyrics:

Broken hearts and last goodbyes
Restless nights but lullabies
Helps to make this pain go away
I realize I let you down
Told you that I’d be around
Buildin’ up the strength just to say

I’m sorry
For breakin’ all the promises that I wasn’t around to keep
It’s all me
This time is the last time I will ever beg you to stay
But you’re already on your way

Analysis:

As the oldest Jonas Brother prepares to embrace fatherhood (lullabies!), he takes stock of his band’s inevitable breakup (last goodbyes!). He told his brothers he’d be around (because they’re brothers!) but ultimately wasn’t able to keep his promise (they broke up!). He begs the others to stay (“unanimous decision,” Joe? The lady doth protest too much.) Even five years ago, Kevin was planning his out as soon as he welcomed his firstborn. Perhaps before the band took off, he met the devil, disguised as an old jazz man or a swamp witch, who promised him fame and glory in exchange for his firstborn. Maybe that’s why it had to end now. Maybe that was the only way.

Don’t Speak

Lyrics:

I thought I was cool
But I just looked a fool
For so long
Now you’re gone […]
Don’t speak to me […]
I recall all our fights

Analysis:

As the first decade of the 2000s comes to a close, a Jonas Brother – maybe Nick, maybe not – realizes that he does not look as cool as he once thought he did. Once young enough to be ensnared by Disney’s glittery neon web, he has grown and changed since the band’s early days. He names his song after a hit single by No Doubt, hoping, praying, that it lends him some credibility – that it makes him cool, rather than looking like a fool. Sometimes the brothers do not speak, but they fight. And Nick, or whoever, remembers. How could he forget?

Found

Lyrics:

Kids gotta grow
This kind of life is bound to bore you
Yeah I should know
But you always seem to break the rhythm
In this messed up world

Analysis:

This 2013 tune could be one of the last the Jonas Brothers ever record, and it lays it all out there, raw and real. Children grow up. This kind of life – a pop trio with your brothers – is bound to bore you, no matter how many games of Mario Kart I imagine they play on their tour bus, how many bags of Cheetos and Sour Patch Kids are probably guaranteed on their tour rider. It is time to break the rhythm in this messed up world — to end the band. As Fleetwood Mac once said, time makes you bolder, children get older, and Joe, Nick, and Kevin are getting older, too.

* Note: this satire. I am not a psychologist, a psychic, a literary analyst, nor an esthetician. I have no insight into the Jonas Brothers breakup. I don’t even know which one is which. As in, I had to look up their names. I thought there was a Matt – like, really could have sworn there was a Matt. Are we sure they didn’t break up because they stopped asking Matt around? I feel bad for him.

Celebrities, Will You Accept This Rose?

Listen. It’s no secret I watch The Bachelor. The ninth season of The Bachelorette came to a close on Monday, as Desiree Hartsock became engaged to Chris Siegfried after a seriously dramatic two part finale.  I personally felt like this season was lackluster up until last week’s shit show where Brooks suddenly peaced out,  so now that we’re closing Desiree’s (mostly boring ) chapter, we can look forward to The Bachelor.

Luckily for Bachelor Nation, this year’s fan favorite – Venezuelan-pro soccer playing-single dad- rico suave Juan Pablo Galvais was announced as the next Bachelor, and the crowd literally went crazy upon hearing this news. Scanning Twitter, ladies were saying left and right, ‘Where do I sign up?’ Even past Bachelorettes have offered to sign up again (I’m looking at you Emily Maynard).

Juan Pablo, Latin Lover – hater of shirts. PS: He went to Roberts Weslyan College in our hometown of Rochester to play soccer. So I mean, six degrees.

This got me thinking: who would I go crazy for and actually submit an embarrassing audition tape just for the chance to go on a group date with them? Of course I would absolutely never do this, but in the event celebrities decide to try out these reality TV dating shenanigans, I’m available. If Charlie O’Connell can do it, so can these guys, right?

Taylor Kitsch

Oh Tim Riggins. Just the thought of you makes girls across the world swoon. And while 33 may have been a player on Friday Night Lights, Taylor Kitsch has kept his love life on the DL ever since he became popular. So is he dating someone? We wouldn’t know. We would know if he became The Bachelor, and ladies would literally swoon during the rose ceremony. It wouldn’t be the first time.

Leo DiCaprio

We all know Leo exclusively dates models. So how entertaining would it be if he was The Bachelor? I guess I wouldn’t be able to join in on the fun – but on the plus side, it could be a mix of Bach + America’s Next Top Model, and Tyra Banks would still be there to be a crazy woman third wheel.

John Stamos

Because he’s 49 years old, and deserves love. Also, who wouldn’t want to date Uncle Jesse?

Idris Elba

oh, to be that smart water bottle.

To add to the older men of the list, Idris is 40 years old and may have a daughter, but as we’ve learned on The Bachelorette, a lot of people are okay with that. I would be okay with that if I could hook up with Idris Elba.

Nick Jonas

NO APOLOGIES FOR THIS PHOTO. NONE AT ALL.

Listen, guys. I am unapologetic for the fact that I like the Jonas Brothers. And while I was never a total fangirl over them, I appreciated their music, and most importantly, I appreciated Nick Jonas. He recently posted that photo above, and everyone was all, ‘whoa, when did Nick Jonas get hot?’ He got hot when he turned 18, that’s when he got hot. And recently he confessed he’s into older women because ‘they know what they want.’ Um ok, there’s only a six year difference between us Nick, so I’m totally down for a “cougar” version of The Bachelor.

2 Chainz

Although it would probably end up more like Flavor of Love, I just want to see 2 Chainz hand out roses/gold chains to his potential girlfrans, then shout 2 CHAINZZZ out loud.

Chris Harrison

The host of The Bachelor franchise is single and ready to mingle, so wouldn’t it be great to see the tables turned on him? He’s said he’d never do it, and it would be hard to fill his own shoes as host/therapist, so maybe it wouldn’t work. But so many soccer moms would line up to get a rose from him.