Things I’m Willing To Believe About Pokemon Go

My social media platforms took a weird turn this weekend. One minute, it was all racism, gun violence and Hamilton, and seemingly out of nowhere it became SQUIRTLE! MEWTOO! GOTTA CATCH EM ALL! Was there some kind of a 1998 time warp? I can’t have been the only person who didn’t have advance notice of Pokemon Go and has been struggling to put it all together piece by piece.

Let’s be clear: I think Pokemon Go is great! It gets people outside, smiling and walking and talking to friends and strangers. Dogs get exercise. Neighborhoods are explored. Everyone’s talking about the same thing (which is one of my favorite things about social media phenomena, generally). I also have no clue what’s going on. And since I’ve been getting messages that my iPhone storage is almost full for the past two weeks, I won’t find out until I get all of my photos on a cloud and cull my iTunes library.

Usually we reserve Things I’m Willing To Believe About posts for dreamy leading men (see: Ben Affleck, Leonardo DiCaprio, Lin-Manuel Miranda), or else one-time DNC candidates (hey, Lincoln Chafee). But since we know so few actual facts about Pokemon Go, it seemed like fictional facts are the way to go. Here are some things we’re willing to believe about it:

Pokemon Go was developed as a secret initiative of Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move program. 

THANKS OBAMA. (No, really – thanks!)

“Rare” Pokemons are in really dangerous spots. Or, like, in a cemetery at night.
Dozens of Pokemon Go! players broke into an abandoned subway bed for a “PokeRave.”

Over 10 players were hospitalized with overdose symptoms but curiously, no evidence of drug use was found.

Developers are currently working on Benevolent Mode

Time for you to go to sleep? A coveted Pokemon appears in your bed. When you have to get up, there’s one by your coffee machine. A trail of Pokemon will appear, like moving targets, until you have completed your step goal for the day. You can even set Pokemon to appear at your nana’s nursing home – so you visit more – or at a local farmer’s market if you’re trying to eat more greens. A new Pokemon will appear around the corner from your workplace or home after you’ve finished a work assignment or homework. Have some iffy moles? There’s a Scyther at your dermatologist’s office.

Pokemon Go works better if you walk really slowly and stop dead in the middle of crowded sidewalks.

 

I don’t know, I’m just basing this on youths I’ve been stuck behind on my way to and from work.

The creators are so proud of Rattata

So, so proud that they put them EVERYWHERE. It’s like when god made rats: clearly pretty pleased with himself, since those jerks will survive anywhere.

Pokemon Go has been used in a successful sting to round up criminals with outstanding warrants

“Hey Kevin, there’s a Zapdos at the precinct, let’s go!”

Don’t do it, Kevin. There’s a 6-month prison term at the precinct.

There’s a Bulbasaur onstage during the duel in Hamilton.

Audiences feel that, if anything, it enhances the experience.

The “Churches are Pokegyms” thing was meant to be social commentary.

I don’t know, something about how we worship physical fitness, or a protest against churches’ tax-free status, probably.

Or one of these guys is really into church and is trying to get people into it. Not sure.

Pokemon Go Urban Legends already exist.

The Charizard was flying from INSIDE THE HOUSE.

When she got out of the car, Ash’s fingernails were scraping against the roof of the car.

He turned around to the backseat, and the Pikachu he had picked up had vanished. He went up to the nearest door. “Oh, Pikachu? He died in 1999,” the old woman said.

Pokemon Go has an internal conscience

Why else would it have caught so many people cheating, according to headlines I saw but didn’t click on? Also it has all of your secrets, so don’t piss it off.

You still have to look both ways

If you’re crossing the street, you still have to look both ways. If you’re driving, you still can’t play a game at the same time. Like I said, I haven’t played the game yet, but I’ve seen it blamed for injuries on the news and I’m almost positive you can’t walk out into traffic when you’re playing.

 

Six iPhone Apps You Should Probably Have

Let’s face it. The point of having an iPhone is probably not the phone function. If you just wanted a working phone, you would still have your Motorola Razor phone from high school. But iPhones help us with our everyday lives, get us from place to place, tell us the weather, and even sass us if we want sassing (see: Siri). So in my never ending quest to find the best apps for my non phone iPhone, here’s a list of my favorites that I think are the best of the best.

BTDubs, these are all FREE apps, because homie don’t pay $.99 for that shit.

1) Episoder

I am not kidding you when I say that this has changed my life. As most of you know, I watch way too much television. For the past couple of years, I’ve attempted to be organized by creating a personalized TV schedule with Power Point. However, this past fall, I found myself faced with the enormous problem of too many TV shows, so little time, and losing track of what I’ve watched. I mean on Tuesday nights alone I watch 11 shows (disgusting, I know). So thanks to some internet research, I found Episoder. You simply put in all the programs you’re currently watching, and it will list all the upcoming episodes in chronological order, and better yet, provide a checklist for episodes you haven’t seen yet. It’s organized my TV watching schedule in the greatest way. And it even has past series which have ended/cancelled, so when you put something like 7 season of The West Wing on, it’s daunting, but helpful.

2) Tipsy

Math – who’s good at it? Especially when you’re out with friends and need to figure out tax and tip and how much everyone owes. Tipsy is there to not make your brain explode at the end of a meal. Basically you put it how much the total of the bill is and how many people are splitting it, and it will tell you how much each person owes. Simple yet brilliant.

3) Starbucks

Since I’ve managed to go through Dunkin Donuts withdrawl here in California, Starbucks is a familiar alternative to my coffee needs. And luckily, there is one just a block away from my office, so I frequent that location. There’s a guy there that knows my name and always asks how I am, however I don’t know his name and it’s way too late to ask. Anyways, since it’s just down the street, I don’t like taking my purse, and thanks to the Sbux app I don’t have to carry any cash at all with me. Their app lets you use a digital gift card of sorts, where you can reload your card with money, and simply scan your phone at purchase. You’ll get gold star rewards too, whatever that means.

4) Gas Buddy

I know some people go to the same gas station all the time, but I usually have a rotation of about 3 to 4 gas stations, and go to whichever one is closer to where I’m going. But sometimes, I just decide based on how much unleaded is. With Gas Buddy, it will search for all the gas stations near your current location, and tell you how much each grade level of gas is. Super helpful to find cheaper gas, however cheap usually means $3.49 here in LA.

5) Dropbox

Most of you probably already know what this is, but it’s a great app for all your iDevices and computer. I like having it on my phone so I can easily transfer pix from there to my computer – i.e. how I uploaded all these pics of the apps with ease. It’s also great if you want to send large files to people, like music or documents. That way Gmail isn’t sending you a warning that the email you’re trying to send is too big.

6) Lisa Frank Pic N’ Share

This is a Lisa Frank photo app where you can add a top heat wearing bear. I think that’s all you need to know.