Best Dressed: Met Gala 2017

It’s the first Tuesday in May, and you know what that means –  it’s Met Gala best dressed time! As we discussed yesterday, this year’s theme is a little different. Rather than a concept like China: Through The Looking Glass or Manus x Machina: Fashion In The Age Of Technology, or a fashion house whose founder has passed away, like Christian Dior, last night celebrated Rei Kawakubo, the 74-year-old Japanese founder of Comme des Garcons. If you’re not familiar with CDG, here’s your crash course:

  • Rei favors avant-garde silhouettes. The most famous example is probably the 1997 “lumps and bumps” collection. It’s not unusual to have a large fabric protrusion, for example. The most recent collections have included heavily-constructed architectural looks with a lot of jutting angles and giant circular capes or skirts reaching as high as the model’s chin. For instance:

  • While all colors have been represented in CDG collections, Rei’s signature is a bright scarlet red – she did a whole collection in the color in 2015.

With such offbeat influences, last night’s red carpet should have been a total blast. Unfortunately, it was more of a thud. We love a classically pretty dress at, say, the Oscars, but the whole fun of the Met Gala is in the theme, which a lot of attendees didn’t really adhere to. That’s why while there were other very nice gowns at the 2017 Met Gala, our best dressed picks are the looks that – while not always as visually appealing – represent the spirit of Rei Kawakubo and Comme des Garcons.

Rihanna in Comme des Garcons

This is typical CDG, a mass of floral blobs snaking up to Rihanna’s chin, with what looks like a stiff bodice hanging off her leg. It’s the kind of creation that you don’t get to wear unless you’re a runway model and I’m glad Rihanna saved her safer, prettier looks for another night.

Tracee Ellis Ross in Comme des Garcons

Tracee’s sporting a more wearable CDG piece — still a conceptual fabric cocoon, but one that moves with her. Rei’s designs usually stretch the idea of what is beautiful and what is odd or grotesque, but the more I look at this, the more I think it’s straight-up delightful.

Rami Malek in Dior Homme

We’ve mentioned before that Rami is one of our male fashion favorites, and it comes down to his use of color and fabrics. This is a great example of how it’s possible to pay tribute to a designer without wearing them. This is the same shade of red that was all over CDG’s Spring 2015 runway and Summer 2015 ready-to-wear collections, and the black brooch echoes CDG’s blobby shapes. Yeah, I said blobby. Also, I know the phrase “impeccably tailored” gets thrown around a lot but it’s utterly warrented here.

Katy Perry in Margiella

This landed on a lot of Worst Dressed lists, but between the color and the avant-garde construction, I think it’s one of the best for this specific occasion. It’s CDG-influenced but not a knockoff — the filmy, lacy dress is less architectural than most CDG collections.

Solange in Thom Brown

Yes, this is pretty close to how I dress between December and March in upstate New York, but it’s also nice and on-theme, with the bubbly look being an homage to the inflated lumps and bumps-era CDG.

Julianne Moore in Calvin Klein By Appointment

Another fun dress playing off of a loose interpretation of CDG. I love the playful, feathery construction.

Lena Dunham in Elizabeth Kennedy

This made my list because it’s billowy and bulky -very Rei Kawakubo – but is more of a classic gown than you see out of Comme des Garcons; it’s a nice way to tie the theme into a slightly more ‘normal’ silhouette.

Halle Berry in Atelier Versace

I think maybe a good shorthand for how to add a touch of Comme des Garcons style would be to think sea creatures. Whether a bloated jellyfish or zebra mussels on a reef, something in most CDG collections reminds me of the wackier forms of underwater life. That’s what this gown does for me.

 

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6 Met Gala Facts I Learned From The The First Monday In May

Today is the the first Monday in May, which means it is Met Gala Monday for fashion industry insiders and fans alike. AKA That Same Fancy Party Solange Beat Up Jay Z In An Elevator.

The hottest celebs, top models, and revered fashion designers will climb the famed Met Museum steps and be treated to an over-the-top party in conjunction with the opening of this year’s annual Costume Institute exhibit Comme des Garçons, the label led by Japanese designer Rei Kawakubo. By using her as the focal point, this marks the first time a living designer is the sole subject of the exhibit since Yves Saint Laurent in 1983. Rei is more than qualified for the job, as she is regarded to be one of the most influential and innovative designers in recent years. Her distinctive style is… distinctive, and I can’t wait to see how the stars interpret this theme at the gala.

Now please picture Kim Kardashian in something akin to this.

Of course, we plebeians only think about the Met Gala once a year, but for those who work behind the scenes to make it a success having been planning for months. And if you want to peek behind the Met curtain (and don’t have $55K to attend the actual gala), you should probably watch the documentary The First Monday in May, which gives viewers an inside look at the 2015 Met Gala – AKA That Same Fancy Party Solange Beat Up Jay Z In An Elevator. Pre-showdown, of course. Planning of the gala has always been kept on the downlow, which is why this doc is the first of its kind.

“It’s very secretive,” Vogue contributing editor Plum Sykes, says of the gala. “(Anna) doesn’t want anyone to know what she’s planning or what she’s up to until the minute they walk down that red carpet and through the door.”

That being said, it v was enlightening to see what is usually unseen, so I’m here to share some of the things I learned after watching the doc. So much shit goes down, you guys. Not just in an elevator.

Anna Wintour is Anna Wintour

Anna, the American Vogue Editor-in-Chief, has been in charge of the Met Gala for more than 20 years, so she knows what she’s doing. But she also has a reputation of wanting things a certain way and isn’t afraid to tell people the harsh truth. I mean, she is the inspiration behind The Devil Wears Prada. And in the film, I’d say I didn’t really learn anything new about her personality per se. What you see is what you get. There’s a scene where she defends her persona by saying she’s “very decisive”, and I think that’s all you really need to know about her. For the gala in particular, she’s involved with every single decision – and since there’s so many (napkin design, tablecloth choices, floral arrangements etc.) anyone would have to be Type A and super decisive to maintain some sort of productive workflow.

Rihanna Is Expensive

Every year there’s a special performer at the Met Gala and for 2015, organizers had their eyes on Rihanna. But surprise surprise, she’s v expensive. They didn’t say how much she was asking for, but there’s an entire segment where event planners are worrying over her requested payout (and an “entourage budget”?). The negotiations play out behind the camera, and the movie ends with her performance of Bitch Better Have My Money with stars bobbing their heads in the audience. Not to mention, she made a triumphant entrance on the red carpet with this stunning canary yellow gown by Chinese designer Guo Pei. I remember literally gasping outloud (and maybe tearing up?) when I saw this in real time, and still dream about it. The piece is from Guo Pei’s 2010 collection and took 20 months to construct, weighs 55 pounds, which is about how heavy my hopes and dreams are.

Seating is a Nightmare

Just imagine a wedding but 10 times bigger and with angrier publicists. As previously mentioned, Anna is involved with every part of the party planning process, so when she gets in there to look over seating chart, she dives right in and rearranges the sticky notes in the order she deems correct. Anna places herself in between Bradley Cooper and George Clooney, whose wife Amal was several seats away (organizers have a penchant for not seating dates or friends next to each other in order to encourage conversation with other people). Anna even noted that an undisclosed guest “better not be on his phone the whole time” – IS IT KANYE. Also, reminder they instituted that no selfies rule at the gala, so that was a fun thing Vogue staffers had to be on the lookout for. And even though everyone in that room is a VIP, there’s even more VIP seats/tables for super VIPs. And then some people end up in a not so great table. See: Chloe Sevigny and Solange at a small table towards the back.

Curator Turned Diplomat

Besides Anna, the other main subject of the doc is Andrew Bolton, the Met’s Costume Institute Curator. China: Through the Looking Glass was much bigger than any other exhibit they had done before, so that was already a huge challenge. But the real challenge was creating an exhibit that was paying homage to a culture, and steering away from any sort of offensive matter or cultural appropriation. Andrew enlisted the help of Hong Kong director Wong Kar-wai as the show’s artistic director, and the two of them, along with various Chinese advisors, had a number of meetings to make sure the exhibit was held in the highest regard. Andrew’s job of curator bordered on American/British (he’s British) diplomat, and it was fascinating to see. Of course with the corresponding theme of the gala, attendees had to also toe that line – so basically an alternate theme of the night was Don’t Be Racist.

There is an Exhibit

I’m being facetious here, but friendly reminder that the reason for the gala is the exhibit. As previously mentioned, Andrew Bolton and his team spend months curating and collecting pieces, and it always turns out to be a success. The China exhibit, which more than 800,000 people saw in 2015, was enjoyed by all the celebrities who walked into the Met doors, and in the doc, we get to see them in awe of the exhibit, just like we would be. Kate Hudson, Alicia Keys, Sarah Jessica Parker, Andy Cohen, Anne Hathaway and even Justin Bieber (saluting next to a dude in a chinese soldier’s uniform) are just some of the celebs we get to see all glammed up and enjoying pieces of China in New York.

Andre Leon Talley Never Stands

OK, he obviously stands but in all his scenes in the movie, he is sitting down. I find it particularly entertaining that when he’s interviewing celebs on the red carpet for the Vogue livestream, he’s still sitting down. You do you, bb.

The First Monday in May is currently streaming on Netflix

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Best Dressed and Not-So-Favorites: Met Gala 2016

Awards season is over, and this time of year we cut out the middleman: instead of dressing up for the sake of film or music, at the Met Gala celebrities are dressing up to celebrate …. dressing up. The theme of the 2016 Met Gala: Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology. Hooray! This theme is far less likely to produce accidentally racist ensembles than China: Through The Looking Glass (2015’s theme). Plus it’s basically asking everyone to wear weird techno cyborg shit, which sounds like an absolute blast if you ask me. The result: one of my favorite nights of Met fashion in the past several years.

Best Dressed

Rita Ora in Vera Wang

The rest of the list is in no particular order, but this belongs at the top. I don’t even care about the feather duster comparisons that have shown up online. She looks like a beautiful silver peacock and I’m amazed. If I could make one alteration, I’d lose the cutout panel on the legs, which – believe it or not – is the only thing that might edge this look into “too much” for me.

Poppy Delevingne in Marchesa

Some gene pools are just prettier than others. But honestly, I can’t stop looking at this dress. This might be the first time I’ve been on board with the Fringe Revival 2K16.

Claire Danes in Zac Posen

Hold on, let me just dim the lights a bit.

Nicole Kidman in Alexander McQueen

Nicole Kidman, for me, lives in the same fashion neighborhood as Kerry Washington and Cate Blanchett – improbably beautiful, ethereal ladies who can pull off anything… but whose fashion gambles don’t always work for me. But this? This is some stars and moon, caped Stevie Nicks realness. She looks like the sky in an Edward Gorey illustration. Amazing.

Zayn Malik in Versace + Robot Arms

I don’t know if robot arms are “good fashion” or whatever but I do know that I laughed out loud in delight when I saw this. Solely because these “go-go-gadget solo career” arms are cracking me up, this is one of my favorites. Okay, Gigi Hadid looks pretty great in Tommy Hilfiger, too.

Tavi Gevinson in Coach 1941

I’ve been following Tavi since her early Style Rookie days, when she was just a typical preteen in a giant hat in the front row at NY Fashion Week. She’s come so far and done such great things that I can’t help but be as proud of her as if I had some sort of a personal stake in her success – like a really great little cousin, or something. Tavi has come a long way since her DIY Comme des Garcons outfits, into a more sleek adult style that’s still fitting of a young editor/ Broadway actress/ future queen of America.

Kate Hudson in Atelier Versace

In some photos, the cutouts are even more “wait, what exactly is going on here” and that’s why I love this. It’s like when your one friend gets a Cricut machine and starts making a bunch of weird paper art stuff. Like, did someone make this dress by folding it in half then snipping out shapes, snowflake-style? I hope so, because that’s the only way I could love it more.

Alessandra Ambrosio in Balmain

See: Hudson, above. I think some of the best Met dresses are the ones that would easily be a worst Oscars dress.

Least Favorites

I’m not in any position to call any of these couture looks “bad,” and on a night when avant garde fashion is celebrated I don’t want to criticize anyone for taking risks. If not now, when? So instead, I’ll say that these were the looks that did not make my personal favorites list:

Selena Gomez in Louis Vuitton

First things first, Selena looks as beautiful as she ever has (which is: very). But is it just me, or is this more like a regular, H&M looking dress with a little leather thing on top? It did get more interesting when I scrolled down and saw the boots, and this is the closest out of any of last night’s looks to something I’d wear in real life, but I guess that’s just it. I don’t WANT to see something I’d wear in real life.

Beyonce in Givenchy

You know that tumblr meme about being a judge on Chopped and kicking people off because “it has mushrooms?” Which is so brilliant because on one hand it pokes fun at the poster for having arbitrary and “low-brow” tastes and criticisms, while on the other hand pointing out that all criticism is on some level arbitrary and based on personal preferences. Anyway. That’s me with anything bandaid-colored and latex-y. This is technically very good but I’m like “nah, looks like flesh-colored silly putty. Next.” As the internet was quick to point out, this looks like it was made of finest Becky Skins.

Lady Gaga in Versace

EVERYTHING IS EVERYTHING from the waist up, even or especially her Mello Yello-colored 80s hair. But then I’m just bored of the no pants thing. But like, hard yes on everything other than her metallic undies. I almost want to put this on my best dressed list instead because, like Zayn’s robot arms, at least this is fun. Plus you always get bonus points if you really go for the theme, right? Yet my problem, I guess, is that the no-pants look is so expected for her that I wanted a departure.

Dakota Johnson in Gucci

It actually looks like there’s some great texture going on with the stars, but this is another “ew, mushrooms” pick for me: this particular kind of star shape, in these colors, reminds me of the Hot Topic looks that were around in the early-mid 2000s.

Best Dressed And Not-So-Favorites: Met Gala 2015

We were nervous about this year’s Met Gala theme. Nervous because the theme was China: Through The Looking Glass, which seemed like an open invite for questionable or racist or racistly questionable outfits. Fortunately, most attendees stayed on the right side of homage versus appropriation. That’s why our best dressed list contains only attendees who followed our handy guide for how not to be a racist idiot at the Met Gala. Now on to the fashions – with not a single geisha costume or hair chopstick in the mix!

Fan Bingbing in Christopher Bu

American audiences might only be familiar with Fan Bingbing from the X-Men series, but she’s been performing in China for close to two decades, and with a recent deal with 20th Century Fox we may be about to see a lot more of her. This gold gown with elaborate emerald-green cape is my top look of the night – a modern, formal, lavish take on Chinese design. I want that cape framed and hung on my wall, because it is absolute art.

Beyonce in Givenchy Haute Couture by Riccardo Tisci

The best way to avoid offending anyone at a gala with a theme that’s practically asking you to make it racial: wear something that has little, if anything, to do with the theme. Also, be Beyonce. It always helps to be Beyonce. Bey wore a Givenchy gown… or, I guess, some Givenchy clusters of strategically placed sequins. Daily Mail said that the jewels were “protecting her modesty,” because the Daily Mail is the fussy English grandmother I never had. Beyonce followed our rule of “interpret the exhibit” by choosing a broad, flat shoulder and fitted cut (um, very fitted?) that is slightly reminiscent of some modern takes on the cheongsam. Which means she also followed our rule “know your Chinese influences” by not showing up in some sort of weird kimono.

Rihanna in Guo Pei

Oh my goodness, yes. The Met Gala dress code not only requires attendees to wear full evening dress but, as a fundraiser for the Metropolitan Museum Of Art’s Costume Institute, it allows the guests to play dress up. Stars can wear more creative ensembles than at major awards shows, but their creativity has to be tempered by better taste than at, say, the MTV awards. In other words, if you cannot wear a fur-trimmed yellow cape and bejeweled headpiece at the Met, there is simply nowhere you can wear it. Rihanna followed our suggestion of celebrating a Chinese designer Guo Pei. You can read more about her here. And yes, this dress has already spawned 1,000 memes. Good job, internet.

Anne Hathaway in Ralph Lauren

Now for something completely different. It sort of looked like Anne Hathaway was taking Star Wars Day (May the 4th, obviously) to heart – but in the best way possible. Sure, this Ralph Lauren gown is more restrained than Rihanna and Beyonce’s looks, but you still don’t get much of a chance to wear a hood on the red carpet. Could “it has a hood!” become the new “it has pockets?”

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen in Vintage John Galliano

The Olsen twins took a broad interpretation of the theme, dressing as the ghosts of two old Chinese widows from the past. But seriously, I don’t think I’ve seen MK&A in matching outfits since the early 2000s, and I love that when they finally do it they both wear these giant black numbers. From what I can tell Mary-Kate paid tribute to the theme by wearing silk brocade, typical in traditional Chinese dress. Ashley looks sort of like Stevie Nicks in Victorian mourning dress, and I’m not making fun of her when I say that. I swoon over designs from The Row just about every fashion week and I love the 180 the Olsens have taken since their days in matching denim sunflower hats.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in Atelier Versace

So, what’s Chinese about this dress? That’s not a rhetorical question, I’m really wondering what’s Chinese about this dress. Grandma Daily Mail says that she “stuck to [the theme] and ran with” it. I suppose the swooping lines and minimalism is a bit reminiscent of modern Chinese design – I’m thinking of streamlined yet flowing interior design, more than anything. I don’t know. It’s pretty, though.

Amal Clooney in John Galliano

There was a lot of red last night. I assume it was a tribute to the Chinese flag, the importance of red as a lucky color in China, and those stunning Chinese wedding dresses. That’s why this tiered gown didn’t feel TOO off-theme, even if it wasn’t explicity Chinese. The skirt is really blowing my mind here, even if the structured, studded bodice isn’t necessarily my favorite.

Lizzy Caplan in Donna Karan Atelier

Janis Ian, killing it. The drape of this is just perfect, and the embroidered silk pays tribute to the theme without going into costume mode. A lot of folks missed a real opportunity to play with the theme in their accessories last night, but these tassel earrings are amazing. I really wish I owned this dress and also had someplace to wear it (Met tickets are only like $25,000, I’m sure I could come up with it??).

Allison Williams in Giambattista Valli Couture

Allison Williams: Met Gala 2015

Here it is again. Red and cheongsam-style sleeves – just enough tribute to Chinese design without straight-up appropriating traditional dress. I know Allison Williams does the princess dress thing a lot, and sometimes it can seem like a larger version of something a very fancy nine-year-old can wear, but I think that the demure and sweet look works for Allison and she knows it.

Hey, You Tried Something

As I said, the Met Gala is a time to wear outlandish, elaborate looks that just wouldn’t fit in most scenarios. While I wasn’t particularly feeling any of the looks below, at least they really went for it, I guess?

Kim Kardashian in Peter Dundas for Roberto Cavalli

Is it just because I’m not a huge fan of Kim K? Not sure, but something about this wasn’t working for me.

Sarah Jessica Parker in H&M

I know I said it’s a good time to go over-the-top. And I know that SJP is usually the belle of the Met Ball. And I love that this collection uses sustainable fabrics! The look as a whole isn’t my favorite, but she looks like she’s having a blast which makes it that much more fun for the rest of us.

Lady Gaga in Alexander Wang

It IS Lady Gaga. And Alexander Wang is an American of Taiwanese descent. And the sleeves are maybe a modern take on a hanfu (but it kind of reminds me of a Japanese haori??). So I have every reason to like this, I just don’t. It’s me, not the dress, probably.

 Kerry Washington in Prada

We LOVE Kerry Washington. And when she nails an outfit, she NAILS it. I’m just over this high-low thing and this particular shade of pink isn’t my favorite. Hair and face, though? Flawless as ever.

Katy Perry in Moschino

I almost feel like she bought this for the punk-themed Met gala in 2013. Even if I were into the dress, the spraypaint can clutch takes it from costume in a fun, classy, celebratory way to costume in a “My Mom Found A Costume For Graffiti In American Girl Magazine” way. I don’t know if it’s new, but short hair suits her.

Solange Knowles in Giles Deacon

On one hand, I love Solange’s style even more than Beyonce’s usually. And I think this is supposed to be the dress inspired by a Chinese fan, which is really fun. But on the other hand, I don’t enjoy looking at it.

Chloe Sevigny

Chloe reminds me of Mary Kate Olsen. Do they look disheveled, or is the way they dress so high-concept that I’m too simple to get it (probably)? But that doesn’t change that this looks like two Chinese robes from a public market vendor sewn together – in a way that doesn’t fit.

Justin Bieber

I don’t like you and I don’t like how you look, which is like Zach Morris’s long-lost torero cousin.

How To Not Be An Racist Idiot At the Met Gala

Tonight is the annual Met Gala aka the fundraising event benefitting the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute aka a Party Anna Wintour throws for celebs to show off their best interpretation of a given theme and have a lot of people criticize what they’re wearing (including us).

The theme of the gala goes along with that year’s Costume Institute exhibition, so for example, last year, the exhibit was Charles James: Beyond Fashion, based on the works of the British-American designer, known as “America’s First Couturier”. The exhibit featured plenty of his luxourious gowns from the 1940s, and at the Met Gala, there were plenty of white ties and flowing dresses worn by models and fashionistas alike.

B Coops in tom Ford

SJP in Oscar de la Renta

While other past themes have encompassed Jacqueline Kennedy to Superheroes to Alexander McQueen to the punk music year, this time around it’s quite an interesting one. The exhibit itself is called “China: Through the Looking Glass”, juxtaposing fashion with Chinese artwork and historical costumes.

If you can imagine, this could go horribly wrong. America is already tense with what’s happened throughout the past year and currently in Baltimore, so race is even more of a touchy subject as of late. Will this year’s batch of celebrity attendees toe the line of offense or come up with brilliant takes on an ancient fashion and the “Chinese white tie” dress code? Here’s a few simple guidelines made up by me, an Asian with no real background in fashion besides the fact my secret party trick is I can tell an Alexander McQueen from a mile away.

Don’t wear chopsticks in your hair

This example in particular is especially rachet, since it looks like she stole chopsticks from her local China Dragons restaurant. These were a fad that came and went in the ’90s/early ’00s and probably stay there for good.

Don’t wear any sort of sexy kimono

Staying on the ’90s inspired fashion, don’t be like my girl Hilary and wear whatever this is. Not only is it not flattering, but it’s also a traditional Japanese garment, so get your Asian countries correct.

Know your Chinese influences

Along the kimono lines, just do your research. Stylists and celebrities, logically, should know the different between Japanese and Korean and Chinese fashion, or at least look into it if you’re dressing for the Oscars of the fashion world. Don’t make the headlines of the New York Daily Post with a faux pas.

Interpret the exhibit, don’t just take it face value

Don’t enter the Met Gala dressed like Mulan in the scene where she sings Reflection – the whole point of the event is to interpret the theme and infuse your own style into it. For the 2013 punk theme, the gorgeous Emily Blunt was subtle with her homage to rebellion, by donning a beautiful black Carolina Herrerra gown, but added a funky hairdo and bright pink eyeshadow that didn’t go too overboard, but also didn’t make her look like she came in a costume from her latest movie about CBGB. Chinese fashion and art is detailed, like the embroidery seen in the dress above. Expect this, or at least hope for this, at the gala.

Don’t Be a Geisha

Again, Mulan should not be your fashion inspiration for the night. In life, as a strong woman warrior, yes.

Celebrate a Chinese designer

 

If you don’t even want to touch a Chinese influenced dress, how about just support diversity in fashion by putting on a dress by a Chinese designer, like Alexander Wang, as seen above. And then somehow get said designer to be your date all night. You’ll get extra street cred.

Solange vs. Jay-Z: Super-Legit Body Language Analysis

I don’t know how to do this.

Before The Fight

Beyonce is separating Solange and Jay-Z, as if to say “if there is not something the size of an adult human person between these two, this situation will devolve quickly.”

Or possibly, “It makes the most sense for me to sit next to both my sister and my husband.” Whatever. Who cares.

But let us apply the Cher Horowitz Body Language Analysis to this, shall we? Remember how Cher knew Miss Geist and Mr. Hall were into each other? Of course you do: “Legs crossed towards each other.” Bey is angled towards Jay-Z, showing where her loyalty lies, whereas Solange is curling away from Bey and Jay like a Fortune Teller Fish from the Oriental Trading Company.

Solalnge’s hand is raised upwards towards her face, saying “who, me, start a fight?” or possibly “look at my hair! I straightened it.” Probably, like, one of those, right?

In this undated image, Jay-Z drapes a proprietorial arm over Solange’s shoulder. This is a gesture that says “I totally COULD have you in a headlock, but you know what, I’m not going to do that.” Solange’s crossed arms show that she is “closing herself off to social influence” (I Googled it), which makes sense, because who is more influential than Jay-Z? (Answer: Beyonce)

She may also be imitating this stock photo of a young child trying to do hip-hop:

But the real question is why is Solange’s outside arm raised up so high? Try it, it’s not a natural position. Some theories:

(1) She’s making a triangle between her arm and Jay-Z’s hand. Coincidence? No.  Triangles: the official shape of the Illuminati. Spooooky.

(2) She’s trying to avoid that thing where your bicep squishes against your side, splaying out your arm fat.

(3) There’s some sort of an armrest that we can’t really see.

Solange has a heavy object and a sharp-looking ring in her right hand (colloquially known as your “fighting hand”). She is applauding, but also ready for a fracas.

Jay-Z is relieved that everyone’s applauding really loud because he has had to fart for the past 10 minutes.

FIGHT NIGHT!

When Beyonce drops her ring, Jay-Z jokingly places it on her finger. The super-legit body language analysis take-away? “Our wedding vows are a joke.” Note Bey’s hand on her finger, as if to say “this is very cute, but just so we’re all clear, I’m perfectly capable of putting my own ring on (it), thanks.” Her head is tilted back in laughter, as she thinks in song:

The shoes on my feet
I’ve bought it
The clothes I’m wearing
I’ve bought it
The rock I’m rockin’
‘Cause I depend on me

Shall we continue?

As the blue-blooded half of a royal couple always walks several paces ahead of their spouse (Will before Kate, Elizabeth before Phillip, etc), so does Jay-Z trail Queen Bey. Jay Z walks with both hands in his pockets, like someone who is not so much feeling casual as trying to look casual. Can’t you imagine him whistling Camptown Races like Bugs Bunny in a cartoon? Doo-doo-doo, nothing to see here.

You just KNOW he knows a melee’s a-brewin’.

I’m going to do what I just did yesterday with the ultrasound images of my new niece, and pretend I can tell what’s going on. At least the baby didn’t have the letters TMZ superimposed over her blurry little face, though.

Jay-Z – white jacket, left hand side – has an arm outstretched, the international gesture for “please, stay at least an arm’s length away from me.” Meanwhile, Solange’s right foot (is that a foot?) is positioned forward and her arm is pushing against Jay’s. This is body language for “I’d prefer to get closer than an arm’s length, in order to fight you.” Her free arm is swung backwards, which in Body Language-to-English, translates to “I’m trying to punch you. Hard.”

Solange’s face is downcast, so you’d think she was ashamed, but that’s not the whole story. Look at her arms, pulled to waist height with her hands hanging freely from her wrists. These are the loose arms of someone who looks like she’s practically about to tap dance. Not a care in the world.

I think part of this is her Charleston-y drop waist dress. When did they wear drop-waist dresses? The 1920s. What book was written in the 1920s? Among others? The Great Gatsby. Who helped score the 2013 film adaptation of Gatsby? That’s right – Jay-Z himself. It’s all coming together.

This is a tricky one, but that’s why I get paid the big bucks. See Jay-Z’s hand, pulled to his cheek? That is his body’s way of saying “OW. My face.” Solange still has swingy tap arms.

NOW. Now Jay-Z’s hand is on his abdomen. When a lady rests her hand on her abdomen, it often means “I am pregnant” or possibly “I ate too much.” In this context, though, it probably means “OW. I also got hit in the stomach.” It also may mean “I ate too much,” but is the Met more of a finger foods event?

Solange’s tap dance hands are now pointed outward, a subtle shrug that says “yeah. I did it. What?”

New dance form. Beyonce’s hitched up skirt says “flamenco” and flamenco says “in-your-face triumph.” She has the placid smile of a 16th century Madonna. She continues to walk a few paces ahead of Jay-Z, as is her right.

Jay-Z’s hands are on his hips, body language for “how rude!” However, most of his energy is pulled into his face, with every muscle tensed towards the center. His eyes are not on Beyonce, but rather cast into middle distance, as if thinking to himself “WHAT THE HELL I just got beat up by my wife’s little sister.” This, truly, is the hour of lead that Emily Dickinson wrote about – first chill, then stupor, then the letting go. Based on his face, Hova is still trapped in the “stupor” stage.

In the alternative, Jay-Z is feeling his back pockets and has a face of dismay and realization. This is body language shorthand for “dammit, I left my wallet in there!”

After The Fight

In a total turnaround, Beyonce’s legs are now crossed AWAY from Jay Z, and the arm closest to him is pulled to her opposite side. Jay Z’s leg position says “I am the guy who you don’t want to sit next to you on a subway or bus.” [Really, gents. You do not need to sit with your legs three feet apart.] His shoulders are slumped – defeat! – and his hands are triangled – illuminati! His face is still a bit shell-shocked, like he can’t believe it’s really real. Bey remains impassive. Whatever this situation is, like all situations, Beyonce is in control of it. Or possibly behind it. All hail.