We’re a little more than halfway through the 2014 Winter Olympics, so let’s check in on what’s happened so far. Obviously we can’t report on everything, but one of the main reasons I love the Olympics is that it is the one event in the world that gives everyone the opportunity to come together in one place and compete in the spirit of the common passion of sports. It’s a reminder that even if your home country is at political odds with another, at the core, we’re all humans, who have common goals, common dreams, common passion to be the best we can be.
So in saying that, I love hearing the stories behind the athletes – where they came from, how they got to where they are today, and most importantly anyone who’s embodied the Olympic spirit. Here are some of my favorites from the Games so far.
The goal of Olympism is to place sport at the service of the harmonious development of humankind, with a view to promoting a peaceful society concerned with the preservation of human dignity
Russian cross country skiier Anton Gafarov had multiple – multiple – crashes on his skis during the semifinals, but decided to keep going on a broken ski despite the fact he had no chances of winning. On his last fall, his ski was literally in bits, but a man came running out with a new ski, took off the tattered one, replaced it with a fully functioning ski and the Russian went on his way.
The catch: it wasn’t a member of Team Russia that helped him out, it was former American Olympian-turned-Canadian coach Justin Wadsworth who lent a hand. Justin’s wife, Canadian Beckie Scott, is also a skiier, and during the 2006 Games in Torino, Beckie’s relay partner Sara Renner was in a similar situation to Gafarov. She snapped her ski pole and was struggling to finish the race, until Norwegian coach Bjornar Haakensmoen came out and lent her a ski pole. Sara ended up taking home the silver, while the Norwegian skiiers took fourth.
What did Justin have to say about his act of kindness? “I wanted him to have dignity as he crossed the finish line.” Pay it forward indeed.
Tracy Barnes overcame a feat many athletes strive to do, which is qualify to represent your country in the Olympics. She did so during the trials, but ultimately decided to give up her spot – to her twin sister Lanny.
Lanny came down with the flu during the Olympic trials, causing her to miss out on her chance to compete in Sochi. But after a lot of convincing, Lanny finally took Tracy up on her offer to take her spot in the Winter Games, just a month before heading to Russia. Tracy wasn’t even planning on attending the games, but her sponsor, Advanced International Technology, bought the plane ticket and Tracy was able to cheer Lanny on every step of the way. With a story of compassion like this, it doesn’t even matter she placed 64th.
It’s fair to say the Philippines doesn’t have a large contingent representing them in the Winter Games. In fact, this year there is one man reppin the country of my people, and he is 17-year-old figure skater Michael Christian Martinez, and the first person from a southeast Asian country to rep in figure skating.
Michael grew up practicing in an indoor ice rink in one of Manila’s malls, essentially teaching himself how to skate by watching YouTube videos of Patrick Chan, a fellow Olympian and star Canadian figure skater, and Michael eventually won a spot to compete in the Olympics.
But in case you didn’t know, being a professional athlete can be expensive. His family was running low on funds – they even put a mortgage on their house in order to pay for his training, and after the destruction of Typhoon Haiyan last year, sending a kid to Russia for the Olympics wasn’t the first priority on the government’s ‘To Do’ list. That’s when the IOC (International Olympic Committee) stepped in and provided funds through its Solidarity program, which provides aid to athletes who need financial assistance to go to the Games.
Michael made his way to Sochi and during the practice rounds, he got a little help from his idol, Patrick Chan, who decided to take him under his wing and give him a few pointers. Thanks to Michael’s perseverance, faith and hard work, he managed to place 19th in the qualifying rounds. That means he is in the top 24 – making him eligible to compete for a medal on Friday. One thing for sure is that no matter what the end result is, he’s going home a winner.
One of the most admirable things about Olympians and athletes in general is that they’re stubbornly unflinching in their craft. In other words: they don’t give up. Clearly it takes years and non-stop training to get to a place like the Olympics, so it is absolutely necessary to have that drive which keeps you going.
And this was proven by figure skater Jeremy Abbott last Thursday during the men’s short program. The 28-year-old American was one of the favorites going into the competition, but on his very first jump (a quadruple toe loop-triple toe for those in the skating know), he landed horribly wrong, slamming his hip on the ice, and consequently bouncing into the boards. See this gif for all its agonizing glory:
Abbott was on the ice grabbing his hip and wincing in pain for a good 15 seconds and just as it looked like he was about to have the medics come over, he stunned the entire arena and got back on his feet and picked up his routine. The Russian crowd went wild, even clapping and cheering him on throughout the rest of his performance, and he flawlessly executed the rest of his jumps and spins and axels and sochows (sp?).
He finished 15th out of 29 skaters, but it was that camaraderie and support that everyone in the crowd gave him that will be unforgettable for years to come.
We all know the story (or at least seen the classic 1993 movie) about a group of men from Jamaica who make their unlikely debut in the Winter Olympics in the quest for gold. This year, two-man team Winston Watt and Marvin Dixon qualified for the Olympics, the first since 2002. However they did not have an easy time getting to Sochi.
First off, like Michael Christian Martinez, funds were low. They had to raise money just to get to Russia, so they turned to a crowdfunding website and raised more than $120,000 in just two days. And then once they got there – they couldn’t even train in the sliding center because of lost luggage. Winston and Marvin arrived in Sochi before all their sliding gear and were forced to miss out on their first practice runs.
Luckily, all their gear arrived, but not so luckily, the Jamaicans weren’t able to pull a Cool Runnings at the 2014 Olympics. They came in last place.
Bode Miller isn’t a n00b to the Olympics. In fact, if you’ve been following the Olympics at all over the past 10 years, you know he’s one of the best in the sport. In fact, he’s the most decorated U.S. skier in Olympic history, with six career medals, including his latest in Sochi.
So here’s the low down on 36-year-old Bode. He won two silver medals in Salt Lake City (’02), went off the rails in Torino (’06) when he was favored to win, but failed to medal in any of his five events (and then went off on a weird tangent on partying and drinking, showing off douchebaggery galore and proving he’s the ‘bad boy of alpine skiing’). He returned to Vancouver in 2010 to win three medals, one in each color.
And that brings us to October 2012, when Bode married pro beach volleyball player Morgan Beck. Four months later in February 2013, his ex-girlfriend, Sara McKenna, gave birth to their son Samuel, his second child (because obviously he has another kid from a previous relationship). And then last April, his 29-year-old brother, Chelone, himself a Sochi Olympic hopeful in snowboard cross, died of an apparent seizure stemming from a previous accident.
And when Bode tied for third place in the Super G competition on Sunday, his bronze medal win proved to be extremely emotional. You may have seen that NBC Sports reporter Christin Cooper has taken a lot of heat for ‘pushing’ Bode to talk about his late brother, which brought him to tears. Both NBC and Bode have defended Christin, and to be honest, I have to agree. The interview was right after he won the medal and a lot of emotions were flying high, especially on his part, and she was just doing her job as a reporter.
Anyways, with everything Bode has gone through in the past decade, especially being the ‘bad boy’ of the sport, Sunday’s outpouring of emotion proved that again, he’s only human. Athletes and Olympians are just like us, and many of us can relate to have both the best AND the worst year of your life. Bode’s journey just happened to be projected on the world stage.
Remember watching the Olympics when you were a kid? There was a whole world of possibility! You could watch any sport and wonder whether maybe you had some innate gift for it and would be competing for your country in 20 years.
As you moved through your later childhood and teen years, your dreams had to die bit by bit. You’d realize that you weren’t even the best hockey player on your school’s team, or you’d fail to qualify for regionals in track. Maybe you shot up to a stocky 5’10 and realized you wouldn’t be much of a gymnast. Or maybe you didn’t get that far — maybe, by age 12 or so, you came to realize that you’re just … not athletic.
And yet, every two years – at the summer and winter Olympics – I start to get a little ahead of myself. Just like when I was five years old, I watch the events and wonder if maybe it’s not too late.
Well, friends, I’m here to kill those dreams. I’ve done a little research, and it looks like if you haven’t started most Winter Olympics events by a certain (usually young) age, you’ll never be using “next-level Tinder” in the Olympic village or wearing your country’s weird Cosby/teacher sweater in the Parade of Nations.
Obviously, there are exceptions to all of these. There really are savants who can take up a sport and be at a competitive level right away. There are also some people who are so preternaturally athletic that they’ll excel in any sport you throw at them. Of course, if you’re already skilled in a closely related sport, it’s also not that hard to take up a new one. Generally, though, there are timelines for these things:
Alpine Skiing, Freestyle Skiing, Ski Jumping
I guess with most downhill and … I don’t know, fancy, jump-y?… skiing events, it’s less the exact age that you start, and more that (1) you begin fairly young, and most importantly (2) you ski regularly when you’re young, not just on a once-annual ski vacation. Most Olympians started skiing – at least regular, bunny hill skiing – by the time they were six or seven. A skier could theoretically start later, but most Olympians came from skiing families and their parents weren’t going to wait until they were 11 to put them on the slopes. Coming from a family that skis means that you got to ski regularly during your childhood – and definitely teen – years. A kid whose parents maybe took them to the slopes in sixth grade, then went once a year or so after that, just isn’t going to develop the necessary skills.
Cross Country Skiing, Biathlon, Nordic Combined
The great thing about cross-country skiing is that even very young children can start. It’s tougher than it looks, and competitive-level cross country skiing has massive energy demands and uses pretty much every muscle group. That being said, a very athletically inclined, very fit person could probably begin cross country skiing and move up the competitive ranks even if he or she started in early adulthood – if they were the very rare case, and put a ton of time and effort into it. If you’re interested, the US Ski Team website can point you to USSA Clubs that will introduce you to recreational and competitive Nordic skiing. At the very least, you’ll pick up a fun hobby and work on your fitness.
Bobsleigh
If you’ve followed the US bobsled team this year, you know that track star Lolo Jones joined the team after beginning training just last year. Of course, she falls into the “preternaturally athletic” category, so … you know. But I bet you’ve also seen Cool Runnings, right? If not, what were you doing in the 90s? Find it on Netflix or get it at your local library. Please. Those guys were from Jamaica – so, you know, not the snowiest – and began practicing on dry land. However, like Miss Jones, these fellas were pretty athletic to start with. The real problem with bobsled (bobsleigh, I guess?) is opportunity. You probably don’t have the equipment, training, climate, or local interest to start. But if you can get together all of those things, and are already a strong, fast person, and ideally have citizenship in a country that’s not very competitive about winter sports, you just might make it.
Curling
Curling is the one sport that all of us can look at and think “yep, I can do it.” Truly, you could start curling at a pretty advanced age and make it to the Olympics. It’s not a sport that relies on the sprightliness of youth, and the physical demands don’t require years of conditioning. Nevertheless, there is a certain skill to curling, and it will take a while to develop the knack for it. If you join a local curling club and get serious about it, curling is a sport that doesn’t necessitate childhood training. That doesn’t mean that anyone can do it – just that if you’re going to be good at it, you can start as a grown-up.
Figure Skating
Are you old enough to be reading this post? Like, your mom isn’t reading it aloud to you because you’re still getting Hooked on Phonics? Then you’re probably too old for this one. Most figure skaters took to the ice by – at the latest – upper elementary school (and that’s only if they’re really, naturally good at it). It’s a sport that can put a lot of wear on you, which is why you don’t see a lot of figure skaters competing after their late 20s or early 30s. By their teens, most serious figure skaters are putting in early mornings on the rink, and possibly getting home schooled. True story: when both my sister and I expressed interest in figure skating, my dad brushed us off with “okay, but you’d have to move to Texas to do it.” Why Texas? Who knows. We only wanted to skate for fun, but if you’re a serious competitor, you could easily move cities or states for the sport once you’re in high school. The only scenario I could see where someone could start figure skating in late childhood or early teens is if they already were already a very solid regular skater, and were skilled in dance, acrobatics, or gymnastics besides. And frankly, even that is a stretch.
Ice Hockey
Take it from someone who lives in the cold, white north: most competitive hockey players get really serious, really young. Most hockey players start to skate when they’re really little, and are on teams by the late-single digits. Frequently, hockey players will join competitive regional club teams rather than their high school team. Of course, there can be exceptions. A very good team athlete – maybe at field hockey or soccer – who also knows how to skate very well could maybe join their high school team and get pretty good. That would be a rare case indeed, though. A kid will usually be competing pretty seriously by junior high. However, most of those rag-tag kiddos in The Mighty Ducks hadn’t put on skates before, and they were competing against the best hockey teens in the world, so who knows?
Luge and Skeleton
Sad yet true sign of my misspent college years: while watching the luge competition, I thought to myself “hey, this is just like an ice luge! But with humans!” Then I realized that I’m an idiot. According to the United States Luge Association, there are many levels of team participation, with hundreds of athletes trying out every year. It is best for kids to start luge by age 10, and it generally takes about 8-10 years to develop skills to compete at the international level. British athlete Lizzy Yarnold recently said that you cant start bobsleigh or skeleton until age 16. Evidently skeleton star Amy Williams didn’t begin until she was 19 or 20. The skill set just isn’t as fine-tuned as that for luge.
Snowboard
What I said of skiing is basically true for snowboard. Most athletes start young and practice regularly. The only difference here is that, at least in the past, a lot of snowboarders would start with skiing as kids, then go into snowboard later in their teens, already having developed the center of gravity to, um, get down a mountain okay. That’s changed a bit, and more and more people have begun snowboarding in childhood. Still, a very talented skier could begin boarding as a teen, turn out to have a gift for it, and be at international level by their 20s. In theory. Sometimes. Once again, hitting the slopes twice a year will not get you there.
Speed Skating
In countries where speed skating is a big deal (Hello, Netherlands. You’re made of canals), kids start on the ice practically right after they learn how to walk. If you’re from a less speed skating-heavy country, and are already a darn good skater thanks to figure skating, hockey, or just lots of practice and natural talent, you could put off competing until a little later. Speed skating is a sport of the young, though – the “masters” level starts at age 30. Ouch.
In conclusion, at least there’s still curling, right?
Figure skating will always be a sport of the 90s for me. First of all, you have a soundtrack of smooth soft-rock and soaring pop ballads for the routines. I know you can use modern or classical music, but when I think figure skating I think Celine Dion, or music from Beauty and the Beast.
Then, you have the sequined, fancy costumes. And finally, the shellacked hair, often with permed, hairsprayed bangs. Not to mention the pre-2000s pop culture nods to skating – Ice Castle, The Cutting Edge, this one episode of 90210 I probably wasn’t supposed to be watching.
Somehow, it’s been 20 years since many of these skaters first graced the ice. As part of our Sochi 2014 coverage, and in celebration of the most 90s-tastic sport ever, we present 90s Figure Skaters: Where Are they Now.
Michelle Kwan
Michelle Kwan was your classic, girl-next-door skating champ — if the girl next door to you was an internationally ranked elite athlete, that is. You may remember that Kwan probably should have made it to the 1994 Olympics in Lillehammer, but the spot went to Nancy Kerrigan instead. But in 1998, Kwan won silver in Nagano, and four years later she took the bronze in Salt Lake City — all at the age of 17 and 21, respectively.
So what’s Michelle up to these days? Get ready to be really, really impressed. She has worked as an American diplomat, earned a master’s from Tufts, and works for the Bureau of Educational and Cultural affairs. She recently married Clay Pell, of the Pell Grant Pells. You can listen to her figure skating commentary during the Sochi games.
Oksana Baiul
Ukranian teen Oksana Baiul took the figure skating world by storm in 1994, a year that was to figure skating what 1996 was to gymnastics. Competing on injected anesthetics after a blade-induced injury, then 16-year-old Oksana took gold in women’s singles. Shortly thereafter, Baiul turned pro and toured in one of those Champions on Ice tours that were all the rage at the time. After falling on some rough times – she was charged with driving while intoxicated, and attended rehab – Oksana made a turnaround (a triple toe loop, if you will) and began designing clothing for the Oksana Baiul Collection, starred in an ice skating musical (no, really), and even appeared on the Celebrity Poker Showdown. As recently as 2012, Oksana was still making occasional figure skating performances. She is planning a tour for 2014, and working on an autobiography.
I still think of Oksana Baiul every time I hear the Gin Blossoms song “Found Out About You,” because at age 7 I started mentally replacing the title lyrics with “Oksana Baiul.” I’m not sure if I misheard it or was just a weird child.
Brian Boitano
Today, as in the early ’90s, Boitano maintains a higher profile than most of his peers. Boitano ‘Tano triple lutz-ed onto the scene in the ’88 Olympics, winning Gold with his namesake move (which you may have seen at the men’s singles portion of the team competition in Sochi). Remember how he wiped ice off of his skate blade after his triple axel? Basically the skating version of brushing your shoulders off.
Boitano then turned pro, winning an Emmy for his turn in Carmen on Ice, because it was the late 80s and that’s sort of just where we all were as a people. He then re-upped as an amateur and competed in the 94 games, to so-so results. He may be more famous for what happened after his Olympic career. He inspired the South Park tune ‘What Would Brian Boitano Do?,” starred in the Food Network show “What Would Brian Boitano Make,” and has made several TV and film cameos — including one of my personal favorite skating films, Blades of Glory. He now has a series on HGTV, “Where Would Brian Boitano Live” “The Brian Boitano Project.” He came out in 2013 and was part of the U.S.’s Gay Athlete Dream Team that was sent to stick it to Russia.
Katarina Witt
Once lauded by Time Magazine as “the most beautiful face of socialism” (you cannot make this stuff up), Witt rose from East Germany to become a mid-80s superstar. Decades before little Yulia Lipnitskaya performed a routine as the girl in the red coat from Schindler’s List, Witt… also performed a routine as the girl from the red coat from Schindler’s List. After taking gold in Calgary and Sarajevo, Witt started a professional career – only to return to competing for the 1994 games. She spent the 90s touring in skating shows, making cameo performances, publishing an autobiography and posing for Playboy. These days, Witt seems to be focusing on acting. After her skating farewell tour in 2008 (at age 43!), she appeared as a judge on TV skating show, and most recently starred in a German TV movie. Her website lists numerous TV hosting gigs and stage performances, as well as the formation of the Katarina Witt Foundation, which helps children with disabilities.
Surya Bonaly
Bonaly brought a sense of athleticism to figure skating – as a former gymnast, her jumps were ridiculous. Competing for France, Surya failed to medal in the three Olympics in which she competed (1992, 1994, 1998) but many believe that she was totally robbed – particularly in the Nagano games, when she landed a backflip on a single blade and placed 10th. However, she did win silver in World’s for three consecutive years, so the judges weren’t always completely against her.
After the Nagano games, Surya turned pro and toured with Champions on Ice until 2007. A year after that, she proved she could still land that backflip in a gala performance. She has also appeared on TV, both in cameo performances and on the French version of The Farm. Just last month, she skated in Holiday on Ice in France and modeled for DPM stores. Now a U.S. citizen, Bonaly lives in Las Vegas and campaigns for PETA.
Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan
So much of the Harding/ Kerrigan scandal was due to forces outside of the skaters’ control. Basically, Harding seemed like the blue-eyeshadowed, crispy-permed bad girl who would shoplift from Contempo Casuals after cutting class, whereas Kerrigan had the wholesome vibe of Sandra Bullock and the patrician features of Jackie O. Harding could have been classy as Audrey Hepburn, and Kerrigan may have been a Jerry Springer-watching potty mouth for all we know, but public opinion is a tricky thing.
We all know the story: Kerrigan gets kneecapped, Harding’s ex-husband was behind it, Harding claims she knew nothing about it, and a TV movie was born. But what happened next?
Harding had some tough times – being effectively ousted from the skating community and having forgone education in order to skate, she had trouble finding work. You probably remember her stint in celebrity boxing, or the Jeff Gillooly sex tape. Harding has appeared as a commentator for TruTV, and – after a few run-ins with the law – has married, had a baby, and hopefully cleaned up her act.
Kerrigan, first of all, is a bit of a secret sass factory, and I love it:
Okay, so like just about everyone else on the list, Kerrigan toured in skating shows after her Olympic run. She also has appeared as an ice skating commentator on Entertainment Tonight, and has had a few tv and film cameos. She was once again dragged into controversy in 2011, when her brother was charged with the manslaughter of her father (he was ultimately convicted of assault). She is married and has three children. Kerrigan now supports several charities, and will be commenting on the Sochi games for NBC/Universal.
Sarah Hughes
One of her greatest achievements may be growing out that Dorothy Hamil haircut – anyone who’s had short hair knows that’s no easy feat.
Not exactly a 90s star, it has nonetheless been 12(!) years since Hughes won gold in Salt Lake City, and I think we’re due for an update. Not long after the games, Hughes enrolled in Yale. After taking a year off to tour professionally, she graduated in 2009 with a degree in American studies. She is currently providing commentary on the Sochi Olympics, and works with the Figure Skating in Harlem program.
Kristi Yamaguchi
You probably know the drill by now: Olympics -> professional tours -> charity work. Well, that’s pretty much the case with Kristi, too. After winning gold in Albertville in 1992, Yamaguchi toured with Stars On Ice. In 2000, she married hockey player Bret Hedican and had two children, who I assumed learned how to skate before they could walk. Kristi always seemed like the classy smart girl of the early-90s figure skating circuit, and I think maybe she really was. She started the Always Dream Foundation, focusing on childhood literacy, and wrote a successful children’s book, Dream Big, Little Pig. Yamaguchi also wrote a few figure skating books for adults — including (no lie) Figure Skating For Dummies. Kristi’s reality TV career is soaring — the winner of Dancing With The Stars, she also hosted the reality show Skating’s Next Star, had her genealogy traced on a PBS show, and has had cameo performances on a number of TV programs. Yamaguchi even has a fitness DVD out for all of us figure skating-wannabes.
Tara Lipinski
In 1997, tiny Tara became the youngest person ever to win the U.S. Championships, and later, the World Championships. The next year, she took gold in Nagano. Moreover, she had those round brush-curled bangs that everyone in my sixth grade class wanted. After the Olympics she went professional, toured for a few years, and started experiencing hip problems. Fortunately, she was able to fall back on a career of guest appearances on every late 90s- early 2000s family-friendly show you can think of. Lipinski is now a spokesperson for The Boys And Girls Clubs of America and works with Make-A-Wish. She is a regular figure skating commentator – including now, for the Sochi games. And, Tara still puts on the skates from time to time, including a Big Lebowski-inspired routine on Jimmy Fallon.
For you fans of those ‘Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln, Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy’-style coincidences: Lipinski was a 15 year old figure skater in 1998 when she won gold in the Winter Olympics. Today, Yulia Lipnitskaya is a 15-year-old figure skater – born in 1998 – who may be poised to take a medal as well. Yulia is a Russian teenager, and Tara skated to music from Anastasia … a cartoon about a Russian teenager. Crazy stuff. Okay, not really.
Jeni Meno and Todd Sand
This husband-and-wife duo were the darlings of the pair skating circuit. They actually got engaged on the day of their performance at the 1994 Olympics! It was like a cheesy movie we all totally would have watched in the mid-90s, but real. Despite missing medals in their two Olympics competitions (’94 and ’98), the pair won bronze and silver at a few Worlds competitions, and regularly crushed the U.S. nationals. After turning pro and touring for several years, the couple settled down and began coaching. Jenni also appeared on the tv show Skating With Celebrites, which I imagine was like Dancing With The Stars, but with more falling. The Menno-Sandses have two adorable ginger sons, Jack and Matthew. From what I can tell they have bypassed the Sale-Pelletier curse, and are still married.
Nicole Bobek
Nicole Bobek, like Dunkaroos or those rings you could pull your t-shirts through to tie it off to the side, is one of those 90s phenomena that we all kind of remember, even if it’s been years since we thought about them. Nicole only competed in one Olympics (1998), placing 17th due to injury, but she made good showings at U.S. and Worlds Championships for several years there in the mid-90s.
Other than Tonya Harding — who many Tonyas probably blame for tarnishing the entire population of Tonyas – Bobek was probably the biggest ‘bad girl’ of the figure skating sport. She smoked, she slacked off, and she wore flashy costumes and hairdos. As a teen, Nicole received probation for her part in a home invasion (she stole money after breaking into a friend’s garage). It only got worse from there. In 2010, she was convicted for her part in a drug ring after being charged with conspiracy to distribute meth. No, I have no idea why a former teen figure skater plotline wasn’t written into Breaking Bad, either.
This marked a turning point (a salchow, let’s say) for Nicole. She went back to the ice, has performed in a number of benefits, and started teaching. As of last year, she was working on getting her GED, and fellow skaters were impressed with her dedication and positive attitude. Bobek also performs as an acrobat. This has to be my favorite comeback story of all of our former Olympians.
Rudy Galindo
You probably best remember Rudy as a two-time World Champion, or from his pairs career with Kristi Yamaguchi. Well, things have come full circle (let’s go with… half axel. Haven’t used that one yet), because now he coaches Kristi’s daughter. Awww! As you may have guessed, Galindo turned pro in 1996, and toured for several years. He also appeared on Yamaguchi’s reality show, Skating’s Next Star. The first openly gay figure skater in the U.S., Rudy announced that he was H.I.V. positive in 2000. He supports several AIDS charities — his brother died from the disease — and other than a few hip replacements, Galindo is in good health.
Irina Slutskaya
Slutskaya had a surprisingly long competitive career, skating in her first European championship in 1996, and completing her last Olympics event in 2006. She won gold, silver, and bronze medals on the international stage, with some interruptions for serious illness – including a kidney transplant in 2002. Since her last competition, Irina and her husband have had two children. She is a tv presenter – mostly for skating programs – in Russia. Slutskaya still performs on ice, and competed -and won bronze – in the Medal Winner’s Open in 2012.
The 2014 Olympics are in full gear and athletes are already nabbing medals on the podium. But what gets these sportsmen/women pumped before they compete? In 2008, when Michael Phelps was in his prime in Beijing, he was seen listening to something on his iPod, headphones glued to his ears and there was one question on my mind: WHAT THE HELL WAS HE LISTENING TO?
I wasn’t the one wondering, the reporters at NBC were wondering too, and apparently the answer is a lot of techno and rap (Lil Wayne). Even Bob Costas said one of the rules to living life during the Olympics in ’08 was “Crank up your iPod and listen to anything Michael Phelps listens to.”
Michael Phelps chose techno/dance and rap to get pumped, and in the 1990s so did the folks who compiled the popular Jock Jams CDs.
I’m assuming none of the athletes are listening to ‘I Like To Move It’ or ‘ ‘Tubthumping’ in 2014 (although after the techno soundtrack at the opening ceremony, maybe they are), here are a few of our suggestions for a new Jock Jams compilation for 2014.
This track says it all in the title: H.A.M. = Hard as a Motherfucker. Go big or go home, guys.
Live It Up by Jennifer Lopez & Pitbull
So as previously mentioned, Jock Jams was a mix of techno, rap, dance, and pop. For me to excited, I also like listening to a song that makes me feel good and happy and positive, and that’s how I feel about this song. Like, how can you not want to dance to this?
Wings by Little Mix
Along the same lines as upbeat, fun songs, I present you with Wings. This was a mild hit over the past year, by Little Mix who won The X Factor over in the UK. You may also know member Perrie Edwards as ‘the girl who stole Zayn Malik’s heart and ruined Directioners everywhere’. Anyways, this song is great and so are they.
Let’s Go by Ne-Yo & Calvin Harris
The lyrics are literally, ‘Let’s go, make no excuses now, your time is running out.’ Olympians, you’ve been training all your lives for this moment. Don’t screw it up.
Work Bitch by Britney Spears
You better.
Molly’s Picks
Shawty Get Loose – Lil Mama
In case you haven’t noticed, we like techno, hip hop, and pop for our jock jams. This track combines all three – and who could forget Lil Mama’s star turn in that TLC tv movie?
The New Workout Plan – Kanye West
Say what you will about Kanye, this song gets you moving.
The Anthem – Pitbull ft. Little John
I think the double Pitbull on this list just highlights how suited he is to the Jock Jam genre.
Je Veux Te Voir – Yelle
The fact that the music vid features gym equipment and 80s aerobic fashions says it all. Nothing like a good smack-talk song for motivation, right?
Get Me Bodied – Beyoncé
Beyoncé isn’t just the queen of everything (so much so that WordPress automatically adds the accent to her name), she’s the great motivator. A Beyoncé song on my iPhone takes my regular elliptical and weights routine and makes me feel like ‘hey, maybe I could be an Olympian or something.’ Like all great Olympians, B is a team player — this track features her Destiny’s Child friends and her sister Solange.
It’s finally here – the opening ceremony of the 2014 Winter Olympic Games! As two Olympics-obsessed bloggers, we could not let the occasion go by without a live blog. Join us at 7:30 EST for what is promised to be a magical journey through 1000 years of Russian history, followed by athletic people walking in stupid national outfits.
This live blog will have everything you could possibly want, from Hunger Games analogies, to a Spot The Gay Propaganda contest, to fun facts about your favorite and not-so-favorite athletes — so do yourself a favor and come back tonight! And be sure to follow us on Twitter during the ceremonies – @cookiessangria – for all the snark and fangirling that we can fit into 140 or fewer characters.
PS: Keep refreshing this page every 5 to 10 minutes or so for live updates!
ANNNDDD WE’RE OFF!
M: We open with shots of Russia, which looks so much warmer than it is here (in upstate NY). Suck it, Russia.
Highlights: those Russian dolls, ballerinas, VODKA, some sort of marmalade, snow, giant furry hats, soldiers goose-stepping… you know, the stuff you’d expect.
A voiceover informs us that “snow has become the (something) of the young.” I obviously missed a word there but I assume that it was something like “sworn enemy” or “thorn in the side,” if my experience is worth anything.
Who knows what the skater is who “skates like her name is her destiny?” If I skated like my name was my destiny, my name would have to be something like Always Falling or maybe Dolores. (Because Dolores means ‘pains.)
After that 7-minute intro, I feel like the kid in the theater when I went to see The Lion King in 1994, who asked “is it over?” at the end of the long-ass Circle Of Life Thing, when Rafiki lifted Simba up on pride rock.
Katie Couric is freezing. Bitch, you’re from New York. Wear a coat.
T: DID A WATCH COMMERCIAL ALMOST MAKE ME CRY? LIKE AN ACTUAL COMMERCIAL SELLING AN OMEGA WATCH. Ugh, the Olympics, I can’t.
M: They’re talking to Barack Obama! Aww Bummer. Billie Jean King isn’t there because her mom isn’t well, but they do bring up our favorite feature of the US Olympic tactic: our Coalition of our Finest Gay Athletes.
Speaking of which: gay athlete dream teams. Mine would definitely have Boitano and Billie Jean King, and I think I’m going to add Abby Wambach on there, definitely Jason Collins. Greg Louganis is gay, right?
T: Re: Pres Obama’s gay athletes speech, I’m just gonna leave this here.
M: How many of those tiny American flag lapel pins do you think Obama has? Just one that he rotates a lot? Or is it like when they’d show Doug Funnie’s closet, and he has a whole drawer full of the same thing?
T: I’d like to imagine he’s akin to Doug Funnie.
“We like to smile once in a while” Barry O throwing slight shade at Russian politicians.
M: Vladimir Putin makes that Freshman Boy In The First Row Of The Football Picture face, probably. Because that’s the manliest face I can think of.
T: If you missed it last night, Bob Costas explained that he has an infection in his left eye, which is why he’s wearing his glasses.
In other news, this is why I love the internet:
M: We’re talking to Maria Sharapova, who evidently used to live in Sochi. She’s revisiting her childhood favorites, including the Sochi Circus. I call shenanigans. Nobody likes the circus. Particularly not this circus, which has horrible dancing clowns and bears. Amazing somebody who was exposed to such horrifying Soviet Circuses in their formative years would grow up to be so normal with such a cute sweaters.
Also: “I’m going to become a roly-poly!” is my new favorite exclamation while eating some crazy sort of dinner.
Google docs just asked if by “horrifying” I meant “terrifying.” I MEANT WHAT I MEANT GOOGLE.
M: Gracie Gold was just interviewed. She looks like a porcelain doll.
T: J.R. CELSKIIIIIIIIIII MY BOY!!!!! FILIPINO PRYDE Y’ALL!!!
OK, He’s like tooooo young, but still so cute!
M: Is he the one they just called the “new Apolo Anton Ohno?” Because our 15-year-old selves might have a thing or to to say about that. [Readers: we had weird crushes on AAO during the Salt Lake City games, during an era when we were probably supposed to be into Justin Guarini or Aaron Carter.]
T: Yes, Yes he is. I wouldn’t say our AAO crushes were ‘weird’ PER SE. But I will share this excerpt from my LIVEJOURNAL of a brief convo Molly & I had on AIM around the ‘02 Olympics/AAO Fever.
M: Hey, as long as what you’re sharing isn’t a photo of us in the early 2000s, playing MASH in study hall with AAO as the ‘husband,’ that’s cool.
OH HEYY now you can all go back in time and instant message me on AIM!
T: Also: NEVER FORGET. AAO 4EVER IN OUR HEARTS
M: Speak of the ANGEL, AAO is a correspondent. He looks remarkably smooth faced. Was that creepy of me? Whatever. The soul patch is still there, though. The only thing worse than that facial hair configuration is the fact that it’s called a ‘soul patch.’’
ok this opening video with the creepy girl:
0:03 The montage opens with a small child, because every Olympics ever (well, London, Beijing, Sydney, off the top of my head) does that. It’s to remind us of a time when there was hope for the future, meaning that our chances of being an elite athlete hadn’t been dashed yet. By the age of 10 or so, it’s probably too late. Well, except with curling.
0:21 Oh no. They just mentioned the ABCs. Please tell me they’re not doing all of them?? How many letters does the Cyrillic alphabet have? Probably too many.
I was promised the history of Russia, so I’m waiting for the part when Rasputin does sketchy things with the Romanovs then turns into a bat (I last saw the Anastasia movie like 15 years ago, ok?), and also the Cold War. Oooh. I wonder how they’ll do Cold War? The Bolshevik revolution will be pretty cool, I bet.
Unless you’re royalty, of course.
0:31 Going from context clues here… is bychal water? Because hate to break it to you, Russia, but we have water.
0:44 RASPUTIN!!! … No. Wait. That was Dostoyevsky. Potato, Potahto. Same beard.
Old Russia wasn’t real big on beard conditioners I guess. That frizz.
0:55 Hedgehog in the Fog, in case you’re wondering, is a weirdly beautiful animated movie that was used to terrify small Soviet children.
Meanwhile in North America, children watch, like, Caillou and stuff.
CORN MOVING MACHINE? You’re reaching, Sochi.
RUSSIAN EMPIRE? Guys. One of your “things about Russia” can’t be Russia. Try again.
Also, does anyone know how far we are into the alphabet now? All of the letters look like drunk versions of letters I already know, so I don’t really have a handle on it.
1:20 Ahh, Kandinsky. You may know him from that one poster everyone had in their freshman year dorm. Not the black and white one with two girls making out. The other one.
1:41 Nabokov. Actually, let’s talk about Nabokov for a second. He’s probably one of my favorite writers, but there’s something a little unsettling about a prepubescent girl mentioning the author of Lolita, no? Also, “gay propaganda” (read: non-negative mentions of gay people) is outlawed, but the guy who brought us Humbert Humbert is one of the top 26-ish things about your country?
[Before anyone complains, I totally understand that Lolita doesn’t sanction pedophilia and I think it’s among the most influential fiction of the 20th century… but seriously Russia?]
1:55 They just did “space station,” which is about the 5th space thing we’ve done. We get it, Russia. You win. You win the Space Race. But that was 60 years ago, and now the medal race is on, bitches!
However: I do see how Russia dealt with the Cold War now. Good work, fellas.
2:00 SPUTNIK. Okay, guys.
2:05 Khokhloma – going on context, is it flower-print fabric? The -oma ending makes me think it may be some sort of cancer. I’m terribly sorry, Russia. You have khokhloma.
2:45 I truly and completely thought that Chagall was French. Ugh. Someone take me to a museum.
3:01 Nice little Ruslan and Ludmila reference there with the cat for Pushkin. Are we already past the part of the alphabet that has those nesting dolls or fancy eggs? Because those are two of my favorite stereotypical Russian things.
BRILLIANT.
3:11 LOVE? We have that too, Russia. That’s not a Russian thing. What is a Russian thing, though, is the mushroom cloud they use to illustrate love. Is that what Russian valentines are like? “You must be Chernobyl, because you catalyzed a policy of glasnost in my heart.” Also by my counts, Russia only acknowledges like … 75, 80% of love? Not a good enough track record to merit mention in the Olympics intro.
3:25 I’d like to point out that that was Eisenstein, the Russian director, that they just named, not Einstein, the German physicist. I see what you tried to do there, Russia.
3:37 And the last thing in the Russian alphabet is Russia! There are children wearing t-shirts spelling out Russia. Hope they’re standing in the right order.
M: This little girl is a “fearless acrobat.” No shit. She is flying through the air. The competitions haven’t started yet, but I think I have my Olympic hero.
We’re still at the “volcano and a lone horse” part of Russia’s history” so I think we have a while to get to the Space Race and stuff.
And does anyone remember the London opening ceremony? It looked a lot like this, down to the life-sized rustic village.
T: Definitely. Less ice, more grass.
Ok so I was briefly doing some research on the opening ceremony before our liveblog and this epic fail came up everywhere. Kinda wish I wasn’t spoiled for that but LOLZ to the max IRL.
“They waited for seven long years and this is what they’ve been waiting for this is where the olympics belong… This is what happens when youre this ambitious in a show like this.” THE SHADE MATT LAUER THE SHADE
M: Matt Lauer didn’t even TRY. Somebody’s still mad that he had to hide under his desk during nuclear bomb drills in grammar school. THANKS RUSSIA.
Also, these rings, even the ones that did open, look like those fake tattoo chokers/armbands that you could buy at The Icing or in vending machines in the early 2000s.
M Vladimir Putin looks a lot less manly when he’s wearing an overcoat and isn’t wrestling a rabid bear or whatever.
Is this the Russian national anthem? It’s been going on for like 10 minutes. I’ve been making up fake lyrics and singing along. Sample lyrics: “inside my staaacking dolls my vodka is theeere/ I drink it, I drink it, / I’m COLD!” Clearly I don’t remember much about Russia from all those Poli Sci courses.
T: Did that go on like a tad too long? Our National Anthem is like a minute long. that doll stacking song was approx 10. (okay, like 5)
M: Lauer just promised “Razmatazz”. Gay propaganda alert! By the way, we’ll be documenting instances of Gay Propaganda as they occur. Nice try, Russia. But congrats on all the Space you’ve been doing.
So, the athletes are entering in Cyrillic Alphabetical Order.
T: I’m loving this technology that makes it look like the athletes are coming out of their country from a projected map on the floor. HOWEVER, I feel like this is going to make the country intros very long…
T: What in the actual fuck are those lady volunteers holding the country names wearing? LADY GAGA??? GAY PROPAGANDA.
M: They’re obviously the Capitol residents of this Hunger Games.
Why hasn’t Andorra won an Olympic medal yet? Their knit woolens look so cozy and winter-y!
M: Let’s talk about all this techno for a second. I don’t think techno is a term any more. It’s like when old ladies call tv shows “programs” or “stories.” So this “house music,” whatever.
WAIT. Instead let’s talk about Bermuda’s bermuda shorts and knee socks. Brrrrr.
T: Is it embar that it didn’t occur to me until now that the country of Bermuda was the namesake/inspiration for BERMUDA SHORTS. Ugh.
M: Nope. Just occurred to me as well. Literally thought “why are they wearing Bavarian short pants?”
M: Hey, everyone. How’s your self-esteem? Pretty good? You feel like an okay, human-looking person? Well don’t look at the Brazil coalition, then. Damn Brazil. Their country’s main export is Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriends.
T: Oh Venezuelan flag holder is NOT kidding around and he is literally jumping around waving the flag. You do you, Venzeuela.
M: He’s like the Roberto Benigni of flag wavers.
Life IS Beautiful, y’all.
M: Germany. GAY PROPAGANDA. Their uniform is a rainbow.
T: And Meredith Veira REALLY wants you to know that. NOT gay propaganda (probs gay propaganda)
M: I realize I probably called Meredith Veira Katie Couric earlier. In my defense, white ladies all look the same.
T: “If you’re asking yourself, ‘Are there any athletes competing from Staten Island, New York?’
NO ONE WAS WONDERING THAT, MATT LAUER. NO ONE IS EVER WONDERING THAT.
M: Also Matt Lauer, I think that the Israel people can stand near the Iran people. We’re all grownups here, it’s not like Israel stole Iran’s prom date and now they’re both invited to a mutual friend’s Sweet 16.
IRELAND. Step up your game. It’s called the emerald isle, not the baby-poop-green isle.
T: Are we to assume all Spainards are in Gryffindor, per their uniforms?
M: Yes, Spaniards are automatically sorted into Gryffindor.
M: And is it just me, or is Russia trying its hardest to make its image be “country run entirely by Slytherins?” I know you’re not all like that, Russia. Let your Hufflepuff out.
M: Aww Canada. Look at your toggle coats and toques. Makes me want to get a double-double from Timmy Ho’s and watch a Leafs game. (Hi, I basically live in Canada).
T: Legit said, ‘WHOA’ outloud when I saw a sea of Canadians. Robin Sparkles would be so proud.
M: In case you missed it, there are three French-Canadian sisters competing in skiing (or something like that) and I’ve basically decided that they’re the Haim of winter sports.
M: Latvia = Hufflepuff. There we go.
T: All we need are the Ravenclaws.
M: Greece? But no. Their shade of blue isn’t studious enough.
I’m sure everyone watching has already noticed this, but there’s a crawl along the bottom of the screen that shows you what countries are coming up so you know whether you have time to go get a snack or use the bathroom. I just noticed it.
M: “It’s a good time to bring Apolo Ohno back in” —> First smart thing Matt Lauer has said all night.
M: Mexico’s flag guy is, among other things, a pop singer known as “Andy Himalaya.” THAT WAS A TRUE THING THEY JUST SAID. He hung out with Andy Warhol.
T: That’s like Hannah Montana shit right there. Or more like if Cher decided to compete in the Olympics in like… lip-syncing and woman who most looks like a drag queen competitions.
M: I just decided my Andy Himalaya/ Hannah Montana name is going to be Molly Malawi. Also I see what you did with the gay propaganda there.
T: The guy from Nepal admitted he’s going to place last in cross country skiing… That’s the spirit!
M: Fun fact: I help teach English to a class that’s like 50% people from Nepal. Not a ONE of them gives a shit about the Olympics. Glad it goes for the athletes from there as well.
T: No. NO. Why would you ever use Sia’s Breathe Me in a commercial? I IMMEDIATELY START CRYING WHEN I HEAR THAT SONG. Thanks, Six Feet Under.
M: I was going to ask if it was for Six Feet Under reasons or just because of like, life feelings. Glad you clarified. And I agree.
T: I thought the show itself was meh, but it’s all worth it for that last like 10 minutes. And by ‘worth it’ I mean, ‘an ending that will make you cry like you’ve never cried before and think about your life and life choices and question everything’, then yeah, worth it.
M: Considering I’m the kind of person who will wake up in the morning and my first, fleeting thought will be something like “one day, me and everyone I love will grow old, if we’re lucky, and eventually nobody will know we existed”… I do NOT need to watch or think about that montage ever again. Thank God we’re back to the athletes in silly costumes and the ladies dressed like church windows carrying the country signs.
T: Matt Lauer just described the Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding controversy in ‘94 “colorful”. Well that’s one way to put it.
M: Who are those two people dressed as human snowballs doing the “push it” dance? Just randos? Okay.
Poland seems to have an 11-and-a-half year old competing, judging by her braces. Ugh, youth.
M: Slovakia’s flag guy is roughly 7 feet tall. Meanwhile, my grandmother was Slovak and I’m so small that a bus driver thought I was a middle school student the other day. Not fair, but now I know which ancestors I can’t blame for my height issues.
T: Oh man I just got the chills. USA! USA! USA! I’m just gonna say it: Shaun White is hot now. The red carrot (or whatever the hell we were calling him in 2010) had the horrible hair but he looks sooo non-douchey now!
M: You can order Gracie Gold for 3 monthly payments of 39.99 from the Ashton Drake collection.
I am SO BUMMED for the girl who broke her leg yesterday, but I’m glad she made it to walk with the team. See, this is the real reason I’m not usually a huge sports person. When they showed the losing team at the end of the Superbowl, I had tears in my eyes. Basically our collective cry count for these games is going to be off the charts.
M: Anyone know who the athlete is with the enviable, Ron Swanson-y mustache? Or the lady with the Zooey Deschanel bangs? Or the one with the dip-dyed Gay Propaganda rainbow hair? This all makes me love America so much.
M: Chinese Taipei (read: Taiwan)’s uniforms are those big jackets they give you when you go on The Maid Of The Mist in Niagara Falls
T: Matt Lauer Fun Fact #205: There is no word for ‘ski’ in the Timor dialect.
M: Ukraine’s uniform looks like camo for if you were trying to hide in a field of Vera Bradley bags.
Finland is also hoping to catch a glimpse of the falls on The Maid of the Mist. Fun Fact: The Canadian side is better.
T: Go Philippines! I totally missed how many Filipino athletes there are. It’s very Cool Runnings to see them at the winter games.
M: Do you have any idea what they’re competing in? A Cool Runnings thing is possible, but I could sort of see the Philippines having like figure skating prodigies.
T: No idea. Let’s say biathalon. Or like… winter table tennis. Not a real sport.
M: Not YET. They just said those dancing snowball vest people have been dancing nonstop for the past hour. They zeroed in on one guy who looked like Rory and Lorelai Gilmore at the end of that dance marathon. Rough gig.
Matt Lauer just told us that YOLO means “ you only live once.” Shut up, Lauer.
M: Jamaican Bobsled Team!! We love them so much. I just want to give them all a hug (mostly, that one guy near the front could basically do whatever) (I mean what?).
T: ^What she said. Every word.
Okay, I’m saying it now: I want to go to Tokyo, 2020. Maybe by then I’ll be (34 YEARS OLD HOLY SHIT) and have enough funds and time off to go to Japan.
M: You know what? We’ve both been obsessed with the Olypics since like 1996. I think both of us need to make it happen at some point. By this point it’s safe to say we’ll never get there as athletes. Not that that was ever an option. I’m surprised I never failed gym.
ICYMI, the Russian men are wearing these light blue shearling-lined jackets with red slacks. I like it. The Russian women are dressed like Santa Clauses.
M: Now they’re doing the history of Russia thing. Really good production values. We’ve seen some Jesus-looking people, villagers, now we’re in powdered wig times. And we skipped right to some clean-cut Bolsheviks. Didn’t really get into that messy Romanov stuff. Basically bypassed World War II and the yuckier parts of the Soviet era. Saw some guys building bridges. And here we are today.
T: Apparently all (if not most) of these actors in the History of Russia video are super popular actors in the country. Can we just have the Games back in the U.S. so I can see a montage of Poehler as Martha Washington, Idris Elba as MLK Jr., Bryan Cranston as Walter White??
M: Tina Fey as Betsy Ross, Jennifer Lawrence as Eleanor Roosevelt, Oprah as herself…
T: WAIT GUYS. I saw this on Tumblr earlier and did I miss it or did NBC just fail to show this?!
M: I mean… it looks like that scene from Parks and Rec when they try to walk across the ice. Why didn’t we get to hear Matt Lauer’s opinions about that?
One of the greatest moments in TV history
Our girl Elisavetta/ Lubov is back. This child is going to have weird-assed dreams for the rest of her LIFE thanks to this. As in, I still sometimes dream that I’m back in a childhood production of something like Meet Me In St Louis and have to know all of my lines from 20 years ago. Imagine these visuals all up in your subconscious.
M: I cannot deal with this ship on the ocean thing that’s projected on the floor. It looks like a beautiful woodcut illustration. Okay, Russia. Good work.
There’s more goose-stepping, so if you’re drinking when you see a Russian stereotype you can go ahead.
T: The projections are so good I didn’t know if this Russian army of fake band players was real or not.
M: Now you have me wondering if everything has been a projection. It’s like the first Olympic games to take place in the Matrix.
T: THE PERSON WHO DESIGNED THE COSTUMES FOR THE MATRIX DESIGNED THE COSTUMES FOR THIS BALLET PORTION.
M: Consider my mind blown! This segment is probably a big part of my Olympics love. It’s technically a sports event, but I get to watch ballet and such. This War and Peace segment is just beyond.
M: And Russia REALLY out-Russias itself, with an ominous depiction of a “propaganda train,” which travelled delivering Bolshevik literature to peasants. Maybe Russia is a lot better than the U.S. at acknowledging ugly parts of their history? I mean we held our Olympics in ATLANTA for goodness sake, and I think our presentation of U.S. history was just like “we had an awesome revolution, and then we had some westward expansion, and now we’re AMERICA!”
[Obvi there are pros and cons of the changes wrought by the Bolshevik revolution but this is mostly a live blog with jokes and gifs, so…. that stuff is other places on the internet.]
T: I’m just thinking that that “propaganda train” is really making the Hunger Games parallel to new heights.
M: Yeah is this like a district 3 sort of thing with this manufacturing and cars and stuff? Are these Olympics the one where they make all of the old retired Olympians come back to compete?
T: Tick Tock This Arena’s a clock… (For those keeping score, we’re already mentioned Harry Potter, The Hunger Games and Roberto Benigni so far. Just to remind you what kind of blog we are.)
M: Just so we’re clear, the rush to the cauldron (it’s a cornucopia, don’t kid yourselves) is going to be BRILLIANT. My money’s still on USA but who knows, maybe Latvia’s scrappy this year.
T: Definitely sending J.R. Celski a sponsor gift…
T: You know, if Meredith, Matt, and rando guy I didn’t pay attention to who it was, weren’t telling us about the explanations of what’s happening and the history, I honestly think I’d be pretty lost. Not just for this opening ceremony, but for all across the board. Or like, just not have enough historical knowledge to understand why a giant steam train is flying in over head or why a little girl is floating in the air.
M: At the very beginning, they showed a portrait of some kind of queen, and my first thought was “hey, wasn’t she the one who died banging a horse?” so I’m right at your level. By the way, that story’s like a 300-year-old urban legend. Also, don’t Google “queen dying banging a horse”. Nothing good will come of it.
Russia has a low age of death for men, so Putin wants the birth rate to go up. Wait what? As a general rule, it’s best not to talk about a country’s official birth policies if you want them to seem all fun and charming.
Fun Fact: this Olympic chairman was born and raised in Michigan. This is just his Russian guy impression.
T: Update date on the Filipino athlete: His name is Michael Christian Martinez, he’s 17, a figure skater, and the first person to represent the Philippines since 1992!
M: Awww, he wasn’t even born then!
M: Can somebody transcribe this speech? On one hand it sounds like he’s seriously sticking it to Russia about the whole homophobia thing, but there was some nebulous wording in there. It sounds like he just said that we should not use the athletes to further our human rights agendas. He’s correct, of course. We should use them to sell shoes and cereal instead. Thank goodness we have these weird dancing jellyfish costumes now so we don’t have to think too hard.
T: I look away for like 2 minutes and suddenly it’s Finding Nemo on Ice out there.
M: Are they even dancing anymore, or just twirling around in their weird rope-light skirts?
T: Russia’s all, ‘we have your attention now. we showed you our propaganda train. we’re gonna do whatever the fuck we want now. that’s how it works in this country.’
Also, I feel like we need to pick who our potential Olympic crushes are this year. 2012 was all about Nathan Adrian:
M: How did I let myself forget about that? I’m guessing there will be some kind of muscly, attractive speed-skater? Or a skier? Sometimes the snowboarders can trend a little bro -y.
I’m sorry. Did they rent Cinderella from the Magic Kingdom of Euro Disney? Aww shoot. She’s singing that damn song.
T: But really, is this a traditional Russian ball gown? Hold up – Anastasia, she was Russian, right?
M: Yeah. RIP. (… or IS she r’ing in p?). Did Russia dress this lady like the dead Romanovs just to show that’s what they can do if they don’t like you?
This damn song. It doesn’t even have a discernible melody.
M: Yes, Russia. Yes. Congratulations on outer space.
M: On the serious, my inner six-year-old really wants these Lisa Frank jackets all of the torch passers have.
T: The fourth person to get the torch, Alina Kabaeva, is romantically linked to Putin. Please refer to the unicorn picture above for my reaction to this.
M: Whaaaat? I guess this shouldn’t be surprising.
You know, for a bunch of world-class athletes, everyone is jogging SOOOO SLOW.
T: Seriously. But also, this is why they have athletes do it. If you asked me to carry it (which, I mean I would), I’d still be near the Tron-like dancers taking my time and walking that shit at a leisurely pace.
Wasn’t there a year where there were problems with the torch lighting? Or is that just my constant fear every opening ceremony?
M: That definitely happened. Or maybe I’m thinking of the candles on most birthday cakes I’ve had instead. But I think it happened.
T: Ok there are like 10 minutes left – what happened to lesbian duo t.A.T.u??? I’ve been waiting all night to post this song that was a hit in 2002. By hit I mean, made the rounds on my mix tapes.
M: I think we have to seize the day. We have to post it now. But really, where is t.a.t.u? I saw them wearing weird plaid things on tumblr, I know they’re there.
T: Okay, apparently it’s not being aired in the U.S., only internationally. I mean come on, dozens of fans stateside are throwing their nesting dolls at the tv right now. But you can kinda watch it here.
M: Basically throwing a rotten Faberge egg at Putin right now. Or whoever is responsible for this. Was it you, Lauer? It was, wasn’t it?
On that note, Lauer’s calling it a night, Viera’s calling it a night, even Putin’s calling it a night (with his rumored paramore??), so we are too.
Thanks for joining us and keep an eye out for Olympic posts for the next couple of weeks. We’re covering a few sports and some fun other winter games-themed posts too!
THE OLYMPICS START TOMORROW! THE OLYMPICS START TOMORROW!!!
Here’s a little known fact I don’t think Molly nor I have ever touched upon in this blog: we love the Olympics. Like straight up obsessed. In fact, the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics (read: Apolo Anton Ohno) was one of the bonding experiences we had in high school. Needless to say, we’re excited about the start of the Sochi Olympics on Friday.
So to prep you for the next couple of weeks, here’s a guide on what you will probably notice first whilst watching the Opening Ceremony on Friday: the official outfits.
For example: This is what you have to look forward to from Norway in the coming weeks:
Say hello to the Norwegian curling team. No, this is not a joke. Yes, those are their real uniforms.
Don’t believe me?
This is what the team wore when they won their silver medal in Vancouver in 2010. Like, they went up on the podium like that as they were handed the world’s second best prize in men’s curling.
But this is just the beginning.
Unfortunately, the Norwegians aren’t the only ones who are forced to wear hideous attire as they represent their homelands. And while it may hurt our eyes while we watch the athletes parade around the Olympics, it’s totally worth it to see what kind of getups the folks are wearing these days.
Like this outfit volunteers in Sochi have to wear:
I know Russia can be a little behind the times and all, but this looks straight up from a 1992 TGIF sitcom
And America, doing it big with Ralph Lauren:
So before we get our first glimpse of what ‘hot Olympic fashion trends’ are like during the Opening Ceremony tomorrow, here’s a look back at some of the absolute worst throughout the years.
USA {Rome 1960}
1960: The year we were really into barbershop quartets. Specifically the hats.
Canada {Sapporo 1972}
Listen up, Canada. We get that you like to tout the fact that -30 degree weather is like your summer, but put some damn pants on.
USA {Sarajevo 1984}
Nothing says America like dressing up the athletes in cowboy outfits that looks like Ennis Del Mar in Brokeback Mountain. They wore almost the exact same thing four years earlier in Lake Placid. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO QUIT YOU, SHEEPSKIN JACKETS.
Australia {Barcelona 1992}
Yup, that’s 1992 alright.
Canada {Barcelona 1992}
Come on Canada, you’re better than this. Bonus for the fanny packs though. ’92’s opening ceremony looks totally rad.
Canada {Lillehammer 1994}
Well, apparently Canada is NOT better than this. I think the designer thought they were making uniforms for athletes in communist Russia.
Japan {Sydney 2000}
Do Japanese people have pride parades? If so, that’s probably where they got these outfits.
Japan {Athens 2004}
I mean, could you BE anymore Asian.
France {Beijing 2008}
Uh, can you can be more Asian. What’s up with the sumo belts, Frenchies?
Poland {Beijing 2008}
Fun Fact: All of Poland’s athletes from this Olympics were rhythmic gymnasts. Another Fun Fact: The preceding fact is false.
Hungary {Beijing 2008}
To me, these outfits scream, ‘DON’T FORGET US. WE’RE A REAL COUNTRY TOO’. Shhhhh Hungary. Shhhhhhh.
Czech Republic {Vancouver 2010}
If you stare at the pants long enough it turns into a Magic Eye illusion
Ukraine {London 2012}
Ukrainians: We’re two wild and crazyy guyyssss
Great Britain {London 2012}
The Brits secretly stole these from ABBA’s costume museum in Sweden.
Czech Republic {London 2012}
What I’ve learned from this is that the Czechs basically need a new designer. Who thinks, ‘You know what would make these better? BLUE PATENT LEATHER BOOTS!’
Cookies + Sangria 