Onion Ring Instagrams and Other Secret Celebrity Accounts

Celebrities, they’re just like us.

The MSM (Mainstream Media, you dummies) has been under a lot of heat from the current administration, and maybe it’s about time they look to international news outlets, where they’re getting down to the nitty gritty.

Perhaps they can learn a thing or two from New Zealand’s news site Newshub, which was the first outlet to report that their native daughter Lorde may just be secretly running a food-related Instagram account.

While the state of our nation continues to slowly disintegrate into tatters of the United States constitution, the MSM  has at least one priority straight – the alleged secret Instagram account run by Taylor Swift’s BFF Lorde.

New Zealand news site Newshub first reported the story on Tuesday, with the headline “Is this Lorde’s secret onion ring Instagram account?”, noting they received a tip from a 17-year-old fan. The account, @onionringsworldwide, seemed fairly new, with only four posts and 24 followers, including Lorde and a number of her friends.

While @onionringsworldwide, whose bio read, “Every onion ring I encounter, rated”, only had four posts, those four posts each gave plenty of clues leading back to Lorde, according to this 17-year-old fan. Like any good food Intagrammer, each caption included the name of the restaurant said onion ring was acquired from, and a review of the ring. That alone, plus knowing where Lorde is on her promotional tour (and knowing the look of her nails?), helped the fan build a strong case that this account was actually run by Lorde.

Even more evidence that this account was run by non-Royal Lorde? Newshub reached out to her management and they didn’t respond. Instead? The account has since been deleted.

Newshub contacted Lorde’s management to ask whether Lorde likes onion rings, whether she prefers a light batter on her onion rings, and whether she runs the account.

Management had not responded at the time of writing, but shortly after questions were sent through, we’re sad to report the onionringsworldwide account was removed from Instagram.

A few things about this: A) why does it matter if she secretly runs this innocent account? It’s not going to effect her popularity. Why are they treating this like she ran a pro-life Instagram? B) why didn’t her management give a statement or respond at all to Newshub? C) She reviewed a Burger King onion ring, and that just seems like a lost cause.

Listen, if Lorde wants to have some semblance of normality in her life, let her just have an anonymous account, maintaining it while she flies private between Bonaroo and Bev Hills. But she can’t be the only celeb who has a secret social media account, right? I don’t know for sure, but here are my best guesses as to what type of accounts these famous people are managing under the shroud of internet secrecy.

EDIT: LORDE IS ON JIMMY FALLON AS I’M WRITING THIS AND SHE CONFIRMED IT WAS HER ACCOUNT.

She said, “I sort of naively didn’t realize it would be a thing.. it was like a good past time… I deleted it because now people are going to be throwing onion rings (at me) on tour… I don’t think they get enough credit for how delicious they are.”

Ugh. Well, I’m guessing fans are still going to throw onion rings at you. But enjoy this post anyways.

Taylor Swift // Bughead Tumblr

When Taylor is active on her official Tumblr, it’s actually her and she knows how to use those hashtags, so it would only make sense if she had another Tumblr. I imagine she’s one of those hardcore shippers on the site, maybe for Riverdale, specifically for OTP Bughead aka Betty and Jughead. It’s mainly a fanfic site, but she’ll RB a gifset or two – maybe even featuring her own song lyrics.

Kylie Jenner // LOL GOP Twitter

I have no doubt Kylie can be savage af, but it would delight me to no end if she was super into politics and anti-GOP to the core enough to run this account.

Zooey Deschanel // Miniature Food on YouTube

It’s just so twee, just like Zooey’s whole aesthetic.

Adam Scott // Fat Jewish-esque Instagram

If you follow Adam Scott on Twitter, you know two things about him: 1) he’s not afraid to say how much trump sucks balls. 2) he is ridiculous and absurdly funny. I will never forget this dumb peanut butter and jelly joke that lasted lit’rally two years. So it’s not entirely out of his realm to run a comedy/meme account on Instagram.

Rosie O’Donnell // Toy Review on YouTube

We love Rosie. We loved her talk show. As tweens, we were enamored with her love for not only kids like us, but she had a kidlike quality that enabled her to constantly shoot koosh balls in the audience without it being awkward or gimmicky. Plus she loves a good nostalgia item, so these reviews of old toys would be right up her alley.

BJ Novak // His Teen Sister’s Twitter

Well, OK, this is actually true. BJ has been running an account under the name “Keough Novak”, who is supposedly his snarky teen sister. I started following her years ago, when I noticed that BJ’s BFF/Soup Snake Mindy Kaling had been tweeting at her a lot. I obvs stalked her profile and thought she was funny, and it wasn’t until like 2 years later that I found out that BJ had been running the account with his two brothers – I grew suspicious after realizing she wasn’t getting older an was a perpetual 16 year old. BJ said of the account, “If I have a thought that’s superficial or immature, that’s a good thing for Keough to say.” Not only that, but HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A SISTER. Lies. Deceit. Hilarity too. Bless.

Kanye West // Slime Shop on Instagram

He may have quit Twitter, but for a guy who calls Steve Jobs one of his idols, I hardly believe he’s completely off social media. Plus, given his love for art, and creativity, I can picture him making these popular slime videos – and perhaps even selling tubs of them out of their Bel-Air mansion.

Barack Obama // Secret Snapchat

In general, he just has a secret Snapchat account. Followers include Malia, Sasha, Joe Biden and Jay Z (who also has a secret account).

 

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Some People Just Look Better In Glasses

Even before I wore glasses, I was a glasses person. As in, during my second grade eye exam, I tried to fudge the results so I could get a pair [word to the wise: they can tell when you do that]. So, when years of higher education and internet addiction finally caught up with me, I wasn’t too bummed that I finally needed a prescription. Far from the dorky glasses stereotypes, I’ve found that I get more compliments on days when I wear my glasses. This just confirmed what I already knew — some people just look better in glasses.

Take, for instance, the following celebrities. They all look great with two eyes, but even better with four. For our fellow glasses-wearers, we’re also including our picks for which frames we’d recommend to our favorite bespectacled celebs – or just those of us who would like to look like them.

Zooey Deschanel

Our pick: Walker in Canton Blue from Warby Parker’s Spring 2014 Collection

Glasses are a staple in Zooey’s adorkable persona, and with her quirky, old-school sense of style we think she’d look awesome in these fun, colorful frames.

Idris Elba

um sorry rando girl, no one’s looking at you…

Our pick: Preston in Red Canyon from Warby Parker’s Palm Canyon Collection

 Smooth, sophisticated, and intelligent … and the glasses look really nice, too.

Tina Fey

Our Pick: Finch in Grenadine from Warby Parker’s Spring 2014 Collection

The petroleum industry owes Tina Fey a lot of money, because demand for plastic probably increased like crazy after she started wearing her black frames behind the Update desk. We’re sticking with her slight cat’s eye shape, but switching to a bolder color that we don’t think is too over-the-top for a no-nonsense funny lady.

Rashida Jones

Our pick: Duckworth in Revolver Black Matte from Warby Parker’s Palm Canyon Collection

Rashida really has fun with her glasses – she’s even been seen in some awesome clear plastic frames – but if you like her slim black frames, this is what we suggest. You still get the feel of the ever-popular chunky black frame, but in a size that won’t overwhelm smaller features.

Hilary Duff

Our pick: Kimball in Marzipan Tortoise from Warby Parker’s Spring 2014 collection.

How great are Hilary’s bold tortoiseshell frames? I think tortoiseshell looks great on everyone, but as a pale redhead I especially appreciate how the lighter tones are more forgiving on my complexion.  Like Hilary’s glasses, these ones have an exaggerated tortoise pattern for those of you who want marbled frames but don’t want to look like your grandpa.

Andy Samberg

 

Our pick: Burke in Sugar Maple from Warby Parker Spring 2014

If you have a narrower face like Andy, you may be tempted to go for teeny-tiny frames, but you actually have a great face to show off oversized, 70s-throwback specs.

Ryan Gosling

Our pick: Seymour in Whiskey Tortoise  from Warby Parker Spring 2014

I mean Ryan Gosling doesn’t need to ‘look better’, but I’m just saying he’s *that much* hotter with them on.

Donnie Wahlberg

Our pick: Winston in Cognac Tortoise from Warby Parker’s Palm Canyon Collection

See how these glasses have rectangular lenses and a slightly triangular nose? This is a great way to add some angularity to softer features without going all the way to being like “hey, I’m wearing shapes.”

Christina Hendricks

Our pick: Marcel in Plum Marblewood from Warby Parker’s Spring 2014 Collection

So, I do realize that Christina Hendricks and Joan Holloway-Harris (-Holloway again?) are two totally different people. Still, it’s hard to picture her in anything other than 60s style. For Christina, we’d go with frames with a 60s vibe (the slightly upturned corners) and a modern twist (an unexpected dipped bridge). We’re keeping her in multicolored frames (albeit subtle ones) – once again, a non-solid color is worth a try if you’re fair-skinned.

Of course, we couldn’t let the post go by without some gratuitous photos of our favorite glasses-wearing guys. We don’t really have any suggestions for these gents, except possibly that they wear their glasses more:

Justin Timberlake

Donald Glover

Matt Bomer

Anderson Cooper