Onion Ring Instagrams and Other Secret Celebrity Accounts

Celebrities, they’re just like us.

The MSM (Mainstream Media, you dummies) has been under a lot of heat from the current administration, and maybe it’s about time they look to international news outlets, where they’re getting down to the nitty gritty.

Perhaps they can learn a thing or two from New Zealand’s news site Newshub, which was the first outlet to report that their native daughter Lorde may just be secretly running a food-related Instagram account.

While the state of our nation continues to slowly disintegrate into tatters of the United States constitution, the MSM  has at least one priority straight – the alleged secret Instagram account run by Taylor Swift’s BFF Lorde.

New Zealand news site Newshub first reported the story on Tuesday, with the headline “Is this Lorde’s secret onion ring Instagram account?”, noting they received a tip from a 17-year-old fan. The account, @onionringsworldwide, seemed fairly new, with only four posts and 24 followers, including Lorde and a number of her friends.

While @onionringsworldwide, whose bio read, “Every onion ring I encounter, rated”, only had four posts, those four posts each gave plenty of clues leading back to Lorde, according to this 17-year-old fan. Like any good food Intagrammer, each caption included the name of the restaurant said onion ring was acquired from, and a review of the ring. That alone, plus knowing where Lorde is on her promotional tour (and knowing the look of her nails?), helped the fan build a strong case that this account was actually run by Lorde.

Even more evidence that this account was run by non-Royal Lorde? Newshub reached out to her management and they didn’t respond. Instead? The account has since been deleted.

Newshub contacted Lorde’s management to ask whether Lorde likes onion rings, whether she prefers a light batter on her onion rings, and whether she runs the account.

Management had not responded at the time of writing, but shortly after questions were sent through, we’re sad to report the onionringsworldwide account was removed from Instagram.

A few things about this: A) why does it matter if she secretly runs this innocent account? It’s not going to effect her popularity. Why are they treating this like she ran a pro-life Instagram? B) why didn’t her management give a statement or respond at all to Newshub? C) She reviewed a Burger King onion ring, and that just seems like a lost cause.

Listen, if Lorde wants to have some semblance of normality in her life, let her just have an anonymous account, maintaining it while she flies private between Bonaroo and Bev Hills. But she can’t be the only celeb who has a secret social media account, right? I don’t know for sure, but here are my best guesses as to what type of accounts these famous people are managing under the shroud of internet secrecy.

EDIT: LORDE IS ON JIMMY FALLON AS I’M WRITING THIS AND SHE CONFIRMED IT WAS HER ACCOUNT.

She said, “I sort of naively didn’t realize it would be a thing.. it was like a good past time… I deleted it because now people are going to be throwing onion rings (at me) on tour… I don’t think they get enough credit for how delicious they are.”

Ugh. Well, I’m guessing fans are still going to throw onion rings at you. But enjoy this post anyways.

Taylor Swift // Bughead Tumblr

When Taylor is active on her official Tumblr, it’s actually her and she knows how to use those hashtags, so it would only make sense if she had another Tumblr. I imagine she’s one of those hardcore shippers on the site, maybe for Riverdale, specifically for OTP Bughead aka Betty and Jughead. It’s mainly a fanfic site, but she’ll RB a gifset or two – maybe even featuring her own song lyrics.

Kylie Jenner // LOL GOP Twitter

I have no doubt Kylie can be savage af, but it would delight me to no end if she was super into politics and anti-GOP to the core enough to run this account.

Zooey Deschanel // Miniature Food on YouTube

It’s just so twee, just like Zooey’s whole aesthetic.

Adam Scott // Fat Jewish-esque Instagram

If you follow Adam Scott on Twitter, you know two things about him: 1) he’s not afraid to say how much trump sucks balls. 2) he is ridiculous and absurdly funny. I will never forget this dumb peanut butter and jelly joke that lasted lit’rally two years. So it’s not entirely out of his realm to run a comedy/meme account on Instagram.

Rosie O’Donnell // Toy Review on YouTube

We love Rosie. We loved her talk show. As tweens, we were enamored with her love for not only kids like us, but she had a kidlike quality that enabled her to constantly shoot koosh balls in the audience without it being awkward or gimmicky. Plus she loves a good nostalgia item, so these reviews of old toys would be right up her alley.

BJ Novak // His Teen Sister’s Twitter

Well, OK, this is actually true. BJ has been running an account under the name “Keough Novak”, who is supposedly his snarky teen sister. I started following her years ago, when I noticed that BJ’s BFF/Soup Snake Mindy Kaling had been tweeting at her a lot. I obvs stalked her profile and thought she was funny, and it wasn’t until like 2 years later that I found out that BJ had been running the account with his two brothers – I grew suspicious after realizing she wasn’t getting older an was a perpetual 16 year old. BJ said of the account, “If I have a thought that’s superficial or immature, that’s a good thing for Keough to say.” Not only that, but HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A SISTER. Lies. Deceit. Hilarity too. Bless.

Kanye West // Slime Shop on Instagram

He may have quit Twitter, but for a guy who calls Steve Jobs one of his idols, I hardly believe he’s completely off social media. Plus, given his love for art, and creativity, I can picture him making these popular slime videos – and perhaps even selling tubs of them out of their Bel-Air mansion.

Barack Obama // Secret Snapchat

In general, he just has a secret Snapchat account. Followers include Malia, Sasha, Joe Biden and Jay Z (who also has a secret account).

 

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Throw Your Own #FyreFestival For Under $50

Imagine Coachella. Now imagine a more upscale version of it, promoted with the ritzy allure of a pricey island getaway. Got it? That’s what attendees of the inaugural Fyre Festival were expecting. Okay, now imagine the Tom Hanks movie Castaway, except with crowds and feral dogs. That’s what attendees got. Price tag? A cool $12,000. If you’re confused but intrigued, welcome to the club.

It all started in late 2016, when rapper Ja Rule began promoting a new “boutique, luxury festival” in the Bahamas. 400 “influencers” were compensated for promoting the fledgling festival on Instagram. Here, have a promotional video:

There was supposed to be music, boats, models on boats, jet skis, models on jet skis, a friendly island pig, snorkling through shipwrecks, gourmet chef tents, workouts on the beach, and workouts on the beach with models.

The reality:

Poorly-constructed tents, sandwiches that are just cheese on bread with some naked lettuce, angry feral dogs, disgruntled locals and beach-garbage. One tweet used the phrase “pee everywhere.” You can’t always get what you want, even if you paid $12,000 for it.

Now, if this were a totally rad ’90s kids movies, this is when the festival-goers would fix up the site with ingenuity and elbow grease, throwing the BEST festival of all-time and making friends along the way.

Unfortunately, as I’ve known since I tried to make objects fly with my brain after watching Matilda, life is seldom like a 90s kids’ movie. The festival is effectively cancelled. The guests marooned on the island are probably getting some kind of hotel accommodations, and it looks like nobody else will be flying out to join them. It’s like reverse-Survivor: everyone just wants off the island. Or is it more like a millennial take on Lord of the Flies, an experiment to see whether Instagram influencers can convince people that Caribbean Hell is actually a good time had by all? I’d say it’s more akin to a good old-fashioned grift: planners put forth minimal cash and, well, planning and hoped things would come together well enough, earning a steep profit on everyone’s $12,000 ticket.

If you’re watching from home and wonder if you could through an even cheaper version of the Fyre Festival, the answer is yes. Here’s how you can recreate the experience at home:

Venue: Your Backyard
Cost: Free

Sure, it’s not as flashy as the Bahamas, but to be fair it looks like nobody is really enjoying the Bahamas at this festival anyway.

Lodging: Rental Tents
Cost: $10/each

The cheapest dome-style camping tents run about $10 and honestly look better than the disaster relief tents at Fyre. Cram as many as you want in the backyard.

Wildlife: Feral Dogs
Cost: Free

It’s probably hard to find and wrangle feral dogs, but if you want to find a plain old mean dog I know just the thing. Based on my experience, all you have to do is walk your mild-mannered dog down a residential street on a nice day. At least one dirtbag dog will come charging out of its house at you. Grab it. That dog is coming to the festival.

Dinner: A Sad Cheese Sandwich With Lettuce Pile
Cost: $5-10

Guests were promised custom chef-created meals and actually received a sad piece of American cheese on soggy bread next to some naked salad. We got this. You can get a pack of American cheese and a loaf of cruddy bread at the dollar store for a buck each. (I bake my own bread for less than a dollar a loaf, but that’s too nice for our purposes). A head of romaine and a few beefsteak tomatoes later, you’ve got a meal, sort of. By my estimate you could serve ten people this ‘dinner’ for a grand total of about $5-7, with the price only increasing slightly the more people you add.

Atmosphere: Some Garbage and Fire
Cost: Free

Because I guess there are just piles of garbage everywhere? Probably also bees. Just leave an open soda out, the bees will come.

True to the festival’s name, things are on fire.

Bathrooms: Pee Everywhere
Cost: Free

We are told there is pee everywhere, so.

Authentic Island Experience: A Sunburn
Cost: Free

Dont’ wear sunscreen. Boom. You have the same sunburn you’d get in the Bahamas, just cheaper.*

*Oh my goodness, don’t do this.

 

 

Seating: Folding Chairs
Cost: $1/chair

Furniture-wise, everyone was expecting luxurious cabanas with draped canopies and artisinal woven blankets. Based on photograph evidence, they got folding chairs. I googled folding chair rentals, and the most basic model will set you back a dollar a chair. Only budget for one chair per person, or fewer if you’d like exciting tension.

Entertainment: Not Blink 182
Cost: Free

Sure, your festival won’t have Blink 182, but you know what? As of yesterday, neither will Fyre Festival.

Activities
Cost: Free

Ideas:

  • Everyone competes to get the most Instagram likes. There can be Team Luxury who has to frame the experience as something more swanky than mere plebes can imagine, and Team Despair who makes everything look even shadier than it already is.
  • Two teams compete to get a passing plane or helicopter to rescue them.
  • Stay Away From The Feral Dogs. Prize: don’t get bit by a feral dog.
  • Makeovers, maybe? Everyone can use their fashionable outfits from when they thought they were going somewhere nice to have fun.

Instagram Cliches That Need To Stop Happening

We’ve hit the point of the social media popularity curve with Instagram where it’s well known enough to be referenced in pop culture and everyone knows what it is. You know, at first, new social media sites/apps are unknown, except for the early adopters who have already been using it for the past 6 months. Then it starts getting more users and then slowly but surely it’s the hottest new app around.

That being said, Instagram’s been around long enough that there are certain photos that repeatedly show up on the feeds. Those photos that are so over done that they’ve become cliches, and maybe definitely they need to stop. I’m just saying we should get creative with the photos we take in our lives and want to publicly broadcast to the world. Life’s too short to be wasting it on horrible pictures, y’all.

Pictures of the “Moon”

Whenever there is a full moon – especially if it seems larger than usual – people try taking pictures of it with their iPhones. Here’s a news flash – it’s not going to come out the way you think, so just don’t bother posting it. When you look at the shot after you take it, don’t you think – ‘Hey, this just looks like a blob in the sky?’ No? Okay, well do that moving forward.

is that a street light? no one knows.

Where even is the moon in this

Selfies in the Mirror

Look, I’m not saying I’ve never done this before, because I definitely have. I just don’t post them in a public forum. Often times, they come out blurry or you just end up looking like a douche.

This was taken this week, not 1995 like his bucket hat might suggest.

OR YOU COULD BE A 70-YEAR-OLD EX-TALK SHOW HOST WHO IS MISTREATING THE #SELFIE HASHTAG. DAMNIT GERALDO.

Food that’s not appetizing

“Iceberg wedge with homemade Russian dressing. Perfect salad for the onion soup lunch”

Again, I am totally guilty of posting pix of my food on Insta. But I make sure that it at least looks so good that you want to crawl through the phone to eat it. Just don’t follow suit like Martha Stewart.

“Foie gras walnut brioche. Delicious by Kristen Kishinev” Um is that even food

“Pickerel. In a spicy tomato based broth. A varied menu. No choice. Just chef directed. Very good edulis” You know what’s worse than horrible looking food? Horrible looking food when it’s blurry.

Blurry Shots

DOUBLE WHAMMY

Speaking of which, I never understood why people post pix that aren’t blurry. I’m not talking tilt-shift, I’m talking so blurry that you can’t really tell what it is.

i mean why

is this an amusement park ride

Inspirational quotes that make no sense

This is a trend commonly found amongst teenagers, although I see people my age doing it too (albeit not as hokey and stupid). But really, if you ever find a teenage girl’s Insta (which sounds creepy & weird but it happens) I swear you’ll find at least 10 of these.

#FirstWorldProblems

Don’t forget this one, okay

i write for a living but i’m pretty sure that this isn’t english.

Last Minute Pop Culture Inspired Halloween Costumes

Happy Halloween, y’all! Hope you’re all eating your weight in candy then promptly vomiting because it’s actually the bestworst decision you could ever make.

I’m going to be completely honest with you guys – I’ve never really been into Halloween. There are people who go all out and spend hundreds of $$$ on their costumes, throw elaborate parties etc., but I’ve never been one of those people. If I do have to dress up, I will be that rational person who buys clothes which can be easily worn for more than one night. For example, I was Where’s Waldo last weekend and the only item I will most likely never wear again are the $4.50 faux black glasses from Forever 21. That’s just how I roll.

So in honor of people who are cheap like me, are procrastinators, or just need an idea for that party you’ve just been invited to today for this weekend, here are some suggestions that don’t involve spending a lot of money – you might not need to buy anything at all!

Instagram/Selfie

Just grab a giant piece of cardboard, scissors and a blue marker, and copy Insta’s pic frame exactly. I’m assuming B didn’t make this personally, but let’s just say she did. And basically if Beyonce can find time to do it, so can you.

Grumpy Cat

Face makeup and a steady hand, and you’re one of the internet’s fave memes. Plus if you run into someone you dislike at a party, you don’t even have to pretend to enjoy their company.

Lady Gaga Artpop

You may end up looking like a crazy person, but it seems easy enough. And perhaps you’ll even get some APPLAUSE out of it too. LOLOLOLOLOL

Regina George from Mean Girls

Bra with a white tank? So fetch.

Liz Lemon from 30 Rock

Guess who has two thumbs and went as Liz Lemon to the West Hollywood Halloween party a few years ago? This moi.

Arthur

And I said hey! (HEY!) What a wonderful easy kind of costume that you can put together in seconds and still make people love your nostalgic creativity!

Amanda Bynes

Amanda Bynes
I was going to be crazy Amanda Bynes this year, but decided I’d have to buy way more of these items than I thought, but can someone please be her so my idea doesn’t go to waste?!

#StarbucksDrakeHands

Photo Oct 30, 12 47 08 AM

I love watching people’s take on #StarbucksDrakeHands, so this costume is perfect. Don’t know what this internet sensation is? Let this guide help you. Also, Aaron Paul. And Derek Hough. And this random cat.

Blue Screen of Death

I had a friend who went as this a few years ago and I can attest that it was such a hit with everyone.

Wilson from Home Improvement

A little arts and crafts are involved but come on, you don’t even need to smile or act like you’re having a good time with this mini fence!