We know that every new year is a fresh beginning. As about 5 people’s Facebook posts reminded us last week, January 1 is just page one, and we have 365 pages to go (except I guess on a Leap Year?). But life isn’t a book, friends. It’s a Top 40 radio station, because on January 1 it does not wipe itself clean and reboot with all new content. It’s playing the same old tired songs that it was on December 31. Extended metaphors aside, here are the tunes from 2014 that we wish REAL radio stations would have let stay in 2014.
Habits (Stay High) – Tove Lo
Possibly controversial opinion? Call me a prude, but I just cannot stand the lyrics to this song, which I guess is unusual because I’m a fan of a lot of songs that involve drugs and sex and the ilk. Maybe it’s because she’s admitting that she has to stay high on drugs in order to avoid her real life problems and then brags about about it, in a seemingly immature way, which is even more annoying. Perhaps it’s my old age but it’s like, ugh, just get your shit together.
Paranoid – Ty Dolla $ign
Again, it’s not that I’m totally opposed to songs like this which talk about dudes sexin’ women, but this song is such blatant infidelity. He’s basically all, ‘I’m at a club and two of my side chicks are there, and I know they know each other exists, so this is all probably just a ploy to blow up my spot. Or maybe I’m just making this whole thing up because I’m paranoid.’ Here’s a way to help your paranoia – don’t go cheating on your girl. #ByeFelicia
Rude – Magic!
You know what would be really rude? If this song continued to play throughout 2015.
Anaconda – Nicki Minaj
I understand that Baby Got Back is a classic 80s rap song, which exactly why it shouldn’t be used in a sample for one of Nicki Minaj’s songs merely 22 years later. Plus I just find this song annoying.
#SELFIE – The Chainsmokers
I feel like this is self explanatory. Also, any song that involves a hashtag in its name should automatically be banned.
All About That Bass – Meghan Trainor
It’s like the Top 40 version of a Dove ad. It’s fine to like this song – so catchy! – but ultimately anything that panders to your insecurities by telling you that “we’re all beautiful” is still telling you that it’s important to be beautiful. A song that says “guys like you more if you aren’t skinny!” is still saying that it’s their approval that matters. Cute video though.
Timber – Pitbull feat. Kesha
You know those songs that, the first time you hear them, you feel like you’ve heard it a hundred times before? That’s Timber. And I don’t think the turn of phrase with “going down” and “timber” is half as clever as they think it is.
Hey Brother – AVICII
Is it a shootout at high noon in a Tarantino-ish or Luhrman-y movie, set in the Old West but with a modern soundtrack? If not, then this song has no place.
A Sky Full Of Stars by Coldplay
When I imagine all the earnest 19-year-old boys with acoustic guitars singing this in dorm lounges, I really feel for today’s college students. Of course, us ladies in our late 20s had to contend with earnest Coldplaying during our coed days, too. When I was in college we still had AIM profiles, and this guy I was seeing had, first of all, pointed yet still vague Coldplay lyrics in his profile (what was I thinking?) and they were directed at his ex-girlfriend. And the lyrics were from Fix You. It’s so great to be a grown up now, guys.
Wiggle – Jason Derulo feat. Snoop Dog
Don’t try this at home, boys. “This” being interrogating someone about how she shoehorns her butt into her jeans. Also the answer is probably either Spanx or “actually, they’re jeggings.”