Evolution of Drinking, As Told By A Lame Adult

It is St. Patrick’s Day. Despite the fact I grew up around a lot of Irish folks at school (see: Molly, our school’s mascot “Lil’ Irish”), and have seen traditional Irish dancing more times than you would think, I’m still not a big celebrator of the biggest drinking day of the year. And that’s probably why. I probably drink alcohol a little less than what is considered average for a human. Water is usually my drink of choice when I go out (unless I’m feelin like a big spender) and I’ve never really come home and wound down with an alcoholic bev (unless I’m under some maj stress).

So on this St. Patrick’s Day, I urge you lovely readers to celebrate responsibly, and also judge my drinking habits through the years. My evolution of drinking is what some consider lame and embarrassing, but whatever. I’ll sip my iced coffee and y’all drink your Guinness and we’ll be straight. Slainte!

High School

Drink of Choice: Smirnoff Ice

I’m basing this next fact off of high school romcoms like Can’t Hardly Wait and American Pie, but I was a late bloomer when it came to drinking. I didn’t enjoy the sweet taste of alcohol and being drunk until the summer before senior year. I clearly remember being at our friend’s cottage and getting “shitfaced” on Smirnoff Ice and Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Now, I’d have to throw back at least 10 of those to even feel buzzed, but apparently back then, it out took a few to rap and dance around a kitchen wearing a paper crown.

Freshman Year of College

Bud Light

I feel like it’s important I note that in high school, I swore off beer for some reason. I don’t remember what I had against it, but I remember that my friends knew I didn’t drink beer. By the time I got to college, that’s all they had at parties (the total of like 5 I attended freshman year). So I really had no choice. I stuck with the easy one, though. Also, there was a time I went to some party and a frat dude started pouring me and my friend Jack and Cokes, but I don’t drink soda (I’m a winner), and he had already poured like a 1/4 cup (?) of Jack in the cup so he just handed me the Jack sans Coke. Poor decisions.

Sophomore Year of College

Screwdrivers

My good friend had taken bartending classes around this time, and instead of making her make me a fancy drink, I made her make me screwdrivers because orange juice was easily available at the school’s convenience store in our building. She also made a lot of Sex of the Beaches for me. I lived on the edge.

Junior Year of College

Midori Sour

I tried to up my game a bit and I thought I was being classy by ordering Midori Sours, which my fried described as Ecto Coolers. Because they’re bright neon green and taste like juice. So classy, I know. It’s weird I didn’t have more friends.

Somewhere In Between All This

Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots

I later got sick (not literally) of drinking so many drinks just to get drunk, it was like an annoying task for me. So my new theory was to just take shots and nix the cocktails and beers all together. What an idiot.

Senior Year of College

Long Island Iced Tea

Apparently it took 22 years for me to figure out the power and kick Long Islands have, and it was exactly what I wanted. A lot of alcohol in a compact drink, enough to make me only kind of remember what had happened last night. It was my go to at my favorite Boston bar (RIP Sweetwater) and my best/worst friend during Senior Week. Woof.

Post-Grad, Year One

Stella Artois/Blue Moon

I decided to get rid of the Long Islands (after Senior Week) and chose classier (again, is it tho?) beers like Stella Artois and Blue Moon. I needed them to be ice cold and on draft, and only a few were needed to do the trick.

Post-Grad, Year Two

Wine

I was invited to the Wine Expo by my two Wino friends who volunteered at the event and had free tickets. We basically went around and sampled dozens of wines from around the world and snacked on free samps, and it was magical.

Post-Grad, Year Who Da Fuq Knows

Margaritas

I don’t know if it’s because I moved to California, but just like avocados, I discovered a new love for margaritas that I never really had before. Regular on the rocks is my jam, but I won’t say no to a good strawberry or mango or whatever flavor my fave Mexican restaurant is peddling that day.

Am I Still Considered a Youth

More Wine

As you might be able to tell, we’ve ventured into current times. Over the past year or so, I’ve opted to get a nice glass of wine at a bar or restaurant in lieu of a fancy drink, but, again, that also could be triggered by the fact cocktails can be expensive, yo.