No One Man Should Have All That Power(ball)

Powerball fever has swept the nation, due to the fact that for the first time ever, the jackpot has reached $1.5 billion, the highest ever it’s been in North America. People are spending thousands of dollars in hopes of winning the millions you’d be left with when the taxman comes to take your new fortune.

But let’s be real here folks. You’re not going to win the Powerball. You, person reading this blog on the Internet, will mostly likely not be the Lottery Superwinner of 2016. The odds are literally slim, since it’s currently 1 in 292 million. That is such a minuscule number. To put it in perspective, the odds of a terrorist incident on a plane are 1 per 16.6 million departures. That wasn’t an uplifting stat, but you get the point.

Now, I’ve never been much of a gambler. I’m fairly stingy when it comes to stuff like this, like why would I spend money without getting anything in return? I’m the worst in Vegas. I spend max $10 on penny slots and legit one time had to ask a casino deal how to play roulette (I ended up winning about $50 on the first spin and after a second one, I cashed the fuck out). But I totally bought into the FOMO of Powerball last week and put $20 of my hard-earned Christmas gift money to Powerball and Mega Millions. I did not win anything.

However, there is someone that will eventually win this huge prize, and I have a few suggestions for them once they get the cold hard cash and become the most enviable person in America overnight.

Make It Rain (Then Immediately Clean It Up)

Straight Up Pimp It

GG Revival 24/7

i am kirk on the GG set

Temporarily quit my job to become a “roadie” for the upcoming Gilmore Girls reunion (breaking news: it’s really happening. Filming starts next month, so I better get on this). I will give Amy Sherman-Palladino money to be an actual townie in Stars Hollow and live in the gazebo.


Somehow buyout this douchenugget Martin Shkreli’s $45 million fortune and if he manages to stay out of jail, put him in a huge empty ass mansion in a remote area of Wyoming, and secure his precious copy of Wu-Tang’s Once Upon a Time in Shaolin in a glass case that’s impossible to get into. If he does open it, there will be no way to play it.

Take a Ride in Shondaland

Pay your way into Shonda Rhimes’ inner circle and find out what happens on TGIT nights months ahead of the peasants watching at home.

Win a Friendship Auction

Finally bid a winning amount on one of those friendship auctions with Tina and Amy. The going rate was $72,000 so that’s chump change if I’m a Powerball millionaire.

Coffee, stat

Start my own personal delivery service that only caters to me. And maybe my friends.


Buy the best seat in the house for Hamilton, pay with all $10 bills because MONEY IS NO OBJECT

Fan Club President

i was actually a member of the bsb fc for like 2 years. like, recently. it’s fine.

Pay to be a fan club member for a bunch of artists I like so I can get first dibs on great seats. Purchase said great seats because MONEY IS NO OBJECT

Bring Happy Endings Back