#ManCrushMonday: Everyone Not On This Season Of The Bachelorette

Folks, we’re one week away from a new season of The Bachelorette aka America’s favorite ~~guilty~~ pleasure. Season 12 features Ben Higgins reject Jojo, you know the runner-up who Ben professed his love to, even though you’re not supposed to do that until the season finale. Jojo, like all the other losers in The Bachelor franchise, deserves love, and she will hopefully find it with the man of her dreams on national TV starting on May 23rd. But what exactly does she – and we – have to look forward to this season? I mean besides Jojo’s mom drinking alcohol straight out of the bottle? These dudes.

ABC released the first look of the men she’ll be picking from this time around and let’s just say… it should be an interesting season. I’ve decided to make a few first impression judgements on some of the guys, and then figure out if I was anywhere near the truth. I PROMISE I did not peek at their bios before giving my guesses! Do any of these guys look remotely appealing to y’all? Maybe their personalities will shine through when the show premieres. And I am ready to be proven wrong.

Fake Name: Stellan

Fake Occupation: Mixologist at hipster speakeasy in Silver Lake – known for his magic tricks at the bar

Fake Rando Fact: Makes his own craft beer in his garage

Real name: Evan

Real Occupation: Erectile Dysfunction Expert (NO, REALLY)

Real Rando Fact: Favorite type of dancing is “booty” dancing

Will he last? Nah.

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Fake Name: Julian

Fake Occupation: Vintner in Napa Valley

Fake Rando Fact: Says he’s fluent in French, took one semester in college (got a B- as a final grade)

Real name: Nick S.

Real Occupation: Software Salesman

Real Rando Fact: The food he dislikes the most is “scary cheeses”

Will he last? Not with that neckerchief, no.

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Fake Name: Tony

Fake Occupation: Wedding DJ

Fake Rando Fact: At the age of 16, he was briefly in a boy band called No Way Out. It was managed by Lou Pearlman’s cousin Stu Pearlman.

Real name: Vinny

Real Occupation: Barber

Real Rando Fact: The most embarrassing style he’s ever had: “I bleached my tips once. I looked like Timberlake – boy-band style.”

Will he last? Nope.

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Fake Name: Charlie

Fake Occupation: Financial analyst

Fake Rando Fact: Grew up on a ranch and was the Colorado state champion bull rider

Real name: James Taylor

Real Occupation: Singer-Songwriter

Real Rando Fact: He has a tattoo of an American flag and eagle on his left arm/shoulder.

Will he last? How sweet it is to (not be) loved by you

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Fake Name: Ashley

Fake Occupation: Hairstylist

Fake Rando Fact: Worked for celebrity hairstylist Jonathan Antin but was fired during episode two of his Bravo reality TV series Blow Out

Real name: Luke

Real Occupation: War Veteran

Real Rando Fact: If he could be any superhero, he would be Superman, because “he’s got swag and powers.”

Will he last? No, sir.

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Fake Name: Scotty B.

Fake Occupation: Manages bookshop/cafe in Chicago

Fake Rando Fact: Was a former child actor, best known as Beans on Even Stevens.

Real name: Brandon

Real Occupation: Hipster

Real Rando Fact: His all-time favorite book is David and Goliath, by Malcolm Gladwell, because of “how he sees challenges, advantages and disadvantages.”

Will he last? We’ve got a Goliath on our hands

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Fake Name: Mikey

Fake Occupation: Sports Trainer

Fake Rando Fact: Is super into China and its entire culture

Real name: Alex

Real Occupation: U.S. Marine

Real Rando Fact: The most outrageous thing he’s ever done – “Ripped the door off a totaled, burning car and pulled the unconscious driver out to safety.”

Will he last? Um, probs not?

♦♦♦