#ManCrushMonday: Everyone Not On This Season Of The Bachelorette

Folks, we’re one week away from a new season of The Bachelorette aka America’s favorite guilty pleasure. Season 12 features Ben Higgins reject Jojo, you know the runner-up who Ben professed his love to, even though you’re not supposed to do that until the season finale. Jojo, like all the other losers in The Bachelor franchise, deserves love, and she will hopefully find it with the man of her dreams on national TV starting on May 23rd. But what exactly does she – and we – have to look forward to this season? I mean besides Jojo’s mom drinking alcohol straight out of the bottle? These dudes.

ABC released the first look of the men she’ll be picking from this time around and let’s just say… it should be an interesting season. I’ve decided to make a few first impression judgements on some of the guys, and then figure out if I was anywhere near the truth. I PROMISE I did not peek at their bios before giving my guesses! Do any of these guys look remotely appealing to y’all? Maybe their personalities will shine through when the show premieres. And I am ready to be proven wrong.

Fake Name: Stellan

Fake Occupation: Mixologist at hipster speakeasy in Silver Lake – known for his magic tricks at the bar

Fake Rando Fact: Makes his own craft beer in his garage

Real name: Evan

Real Occupation: Erectile Dysfunction Expert (NO, REALLY)

Real Rando Fact: Favorite type of dancing is “booty” dancing

Will he last? Nah.

♦♦♦

Fake Name: Julian

Fake Occupation: Vintner in Napa Valley

Fake Rando Fact: Says he’s fluent in French, took one semester in college (got a B- as a final grade)

Real name: Nick S.

Real Occupation: Software Salesman

Real Rando Fact: The food he dislikes the most is “scary cheeses”

Will he last? Not with that neckerchief, no.

♦♦♦

Fake Name: Tony

Fake Occupation: Wedding DJ

Fake Rando Fact: At the age of 16, he was briefly in a boy band called No Way Out. It was managed by Lou Pearlman’s cousin Stu Pearlman.

Real name: Vinny

Real Occupation: Barber

Real Rando Fact:  The most embarrassing style he’s ever had: “I bleached my tips once. I looked like Timberlake – boy-band style.”

Will he last? Nope.

♦♦♦

Fake Name: Charlie

Fake Occupation: Financial analyst

Fake Rando Fact: Grew up on a ranch and was the Colorado state champion bull rider

Real name:  James Taylor

Real Occupation: Singer-Songwriter

Real Rando Fact: He has a tattoo of an American flag and eagle on his left arm/shoulder.

Will he last? How sweet it is to (not be) loved by you

♦♦♦

Fake Name: Ashley

Fake Occupation: Hairstylist

Fake Rando Fact: Worked for celebrity hairstylist Jonathan Antin but was fired during episode two of his Bravo reality TV series Blow Out

Real name: Luke

Real Occupation: War Veteran

Real Rando Fact: If he could be any superhero, he would be Superman, because “he’s got swag and powers.”

Will he last? No, sir.

♦♦♦

Fake Name: Scotty B.

Fake Occupation: Manages bookshop/cafe in Chicago

Fake Rando Fact: Was a former child actor, best known as Beans on Even Stevens.

Real name: Brandon

Real Occupation: Hipster

Real Rando Fact: His all-time favorite book is David and Goliath, by Malcolm Gladwell, because of “how he sees challenges, advantages and disadvantages.”

Will he last? We’ve got a Goliath on our hands

♦♦♦

Fake Name: Mikey

Fake Occupation: Sports Trainer

Fake Rando Fact: Is super into China and its entire culture

Real name: Alex

Real Occupation: U.S. Marine

Real Rando Fact: The most outrageous thing he’s ever done – “Ripped the door off a totaled, burning car and pulled the unconscious driver out to safety.”

Will he last? Um, probs not?

♦♦♦

Fake Name: Jayson

Fake Occupation: Fitness Model

Fake Rando Fact: Is one of 7 kids – only boy in the bunch

Real name: Christian

Real Occupation: Telecom Consultant

Real Rando Fact: His best friend is his mom, “She is my ultimate supporter and has been there every step of the way.”

Will he last? I don’t believe in Christian’s longevity

♦♦♦

Fake Name: Tyler

Fake Occupation: Coffee Enthusiast

Fake Rando Fact: Been an extra in five episodes of Portlandia

Real name: Wells

Real Occupation: Radio DJ

Real Rando Fact: He doesn’t like pizza.

Will he last? Maybe? I’m not-so-secretly rooting for him, based on nothing.

♦♦♦

Fake Name: Nate

Fake Occupation: Product Developer

Fake Rando Fact: Doesn’t hide the fact he loves Ryan Gosling

Real name: Chad

Real Occupation: Luxury Real Estate Agent

Real Rando Fact: “All-time favorite movies – The Notebook (don’t make fun of me)”

Will he last? It wasn’t over, it still isn’t over

Real Jobs You Can Have, According To The Bachelor

The 19th season of The Bachelor began last night, starring lovable and softspoken Chris Soules. He gracefully got dumped by Andi The Bachelorette last year, and the viewing public took to his good looks and earnestness about the possibility he wasn’t going to be chosen as The One out of 25 other guys, pushing him to the top choice as this year’s Bachelor.

Chris was known as the “Farmer from Iowa” on the show, because that’s what he was. On his hometown date, he brought Andi back home and they had a picnic in the cornfield and he lit’rally took her for a drive on his big green tractor. He went so far as to suggest there was a possibility for her to ‘be a homemaker’ in Iowa, despite the fact she’s a lawyer.

On the road leading up to Farmer Chris’ journey, ABC has aired numerous ads promoting the fact that he’s a farmer – him walking in cornfield and the like. Viewers are always reminded of contestants’ occupations during the season, as whenever they’re being interviewed, their name pops up on a chyron, reminding us who they are and what they do. This year, Chris will meet a WWE Diva-in-Training, a Sport Fishing Enthusiast, and a Cadaver Tissue Saleswoman. Because these are all real jobs. For some reason, people with odd occupations always get cast on this franchise, and while ‘cadaver tissue saleswoman’ is definitely the weirdest by far, there has long been a precedent of unique and frankly, questionable, occupations from those vying for the Bachelor/Bachelorette’s heart. Here are just a few notable ones before you’re introduced to the new batch of ladies tonight…

Kelly T. – Dog Lover

{Season 18 – Juan Pablo}

Kelly took her job so seriously that production even let her bring her work into the house. As in they let her have a dog.

 

Lucy – Free Spirit

{Season 18 – Juan Pablo}

Apparently ‘Free Spirit’ also means ‘Willing to be naked at all times’, because that’s what Lucy was all about.

 

J.J. – Pantsapreneur

{Season 10 – Andi}

His job is exactly what you think it is. I mean, look at those slacks. Slackstrepreneur.

 

Brad – Accountant/DJ

{Season 9 – Desiree}

I love a good combo job. Mundane accountant by day, turning down for what as a DJ by night. What can be better than that?

 

Nick R. – Tailor/Magician

{Season 9 – Desiree}

A tailor/magician is what can be better than that. I could tell this guy just wanted to give up his tailor job and go full-time magician. As seen by the legit tricks he did on the show.

 

Kyle H. – Outdoorsman

{Season 6 – Ali}

He couldn’t be dressing more the part of an outdoorsman in this flannel. And is that a bullet hanging from his necklace? Is that a necklace?

 

Alejandro – Mushroom Farmer

{Season 8 – Emily}

I remember Alejandro being a sweet guy, but it was always like, ‘really? a MUSHROOM farmer?’ Maybe IDK enough about how mushrooms are grown, but this is like a drug front, no?

 

Peyton – Sorority Recruiter

{Season 10 – Andy}

Again, maybe it’s because I have no knowledge of sororities, but what exactly would she be recruiting? As an adult not in college?

 

Erica Rose – Socialite

{Season 9 – Prince Lorenzo}

This bitch made for good TV. I only know her from the season of Bachelor Pad she competed in and it’s important that in addition to being a socialite, you know that she later became a lawyer. Hence the tiara AND the gavel.

 

Brit – Beer Chemist

{Season 12 – Matt Grant}

Any job involving alcohol never seems like a real thing to me. But obviously, our beer meeds chemist-ing.