Puberty Education & You (Or: Hey, Where’s That Belt Supposed To Go?)

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Lists by Molly

The past few weeks, a video of an adorable preteen distributing tampons at sleepaway camp has been making the internet rounds. It’s..um… cuter than it sounds. Here:

This got me thinking of the educational materials my generation and before grew up on. Kids these days don’t know how good they have it:

The Pancake Video

This isn’t available online, but it is carved into my brain tissue forevermore. The year was 1996. Alanis Morisette was on the radio, and half of the heads in America were sporting “The Rachel.” It was a simpler time, until… until the permission slip came home informing our parents that the girls would be watching “the video” in school. You know. THAT video.

Unlike the other 9-year-old girls, I didn’t have to go through the embarrassing show of presenting my mom with the permission slip – because my mom was the fourth grade science teacher. Yes, my mom was going to teach all of my friends about “becoming a woman.” More accurately, my mom was going to teach half of my friends about becoming a woman, because the boys got to play outside during all this. I could hear the carefree sounds of childhood out the window as the boys organized a kickball game, and my fourth grade social world crumbled around me. So you see, there’s no way I could forget this freaking video.

The premise is this: a diverse group of tweenage girls is having a campout in someone’s backyard. One of the girls gets her period, because if these videos teach you one thing, it’s that this shit always happens on some kind of a campout. So the girls trudge in, and the helpful Generic 90s Mom decides to teach them about what is happening to this child. Apparently their school didn’t have fine videos like this one, nor did it have That One Girl On The Bus Who Knows All This Stuff.

Anyway, you know what a bunch of pubescent girls need in the morning, as much as anatomical advice? BREAKFAST! Lucky for them – nay, lucky for US – Generic 90s Mom is a multi-tasker. She mixed up some batter, fired up the griddle, and got to work on some falopian tube pancakes. It was like those awesome Mickey pancakes you get at Disney, except actually horrifying and with the syrup probably representing uterine lining. You know at least one of those girls grew up to be one of those wackos who eats her placenta, and this Breakfast From Epcot Hell is why.

When the video ended, my mom fielded questions. Just what every tween wants — her mom talking about her Blue Water Time in front of all of her classmates. Still, at least she didn’t make a menarche-themed breakfast to illustrate the point.

Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret

Either we weren’t paying attention to that video in fourth grade, or we were too busy being traumatized to actually take in any of the information, but in fifth grade this book started making the rounds and it’s like it was totally new information. I blame Judy Blume for my entire generation being like “wait… I thought there was supposed to be some kind of belt?” Either way, I learned more from this book than any of those school vids.

No, Just Kidding, This Is Really Epcot Hell

If you were educated in the old school, maybe you got this instead of the pancake video. For a Disney vid, it really needs more talking animals.

The Most ’50s Thing You’ll Ever See, Ever

This is probably what my mom watched in school, presuming Catholic schools in the 50s didn’t just tell you that it was the devil giving you a papercut or something. Jeez… is THIS why she named me Molly? Of course this bitch is named Molly.

Sample Dialogue: “Peggy, I can’t go swimming, you know I’ve got the curse!”

By the by, these 40s and 50s vids are reallll concerned about you possibly catching a cold, which evidently does something to your uterus. Freezes it?

Here, This Flapper Gets Most Of It Right

Image links to the full brochure.

And THIS is what my grandmothers probably got in school, in the pre-video age. The pamphlet suggests leaving this, one of those damn belts, and maybe some money for later therapy on your kid’s pillow when you know she’ll be alone. It’s like the Ding Dong Ditch version of parenting. Drop the sanitary belt and run!

Just Watch The Supercut

Supercuts: not just for disappointing but economical haircuts anymore.

1Aug2013

Life Lessons From ZOOM

Posted in Entertainment, GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by Molly

I live my adult professional life by the principles of the late-90s reboot of Zoom. Yes, the PBS children’s show. This wasn’t intentional. In fact, I didn’t even realize I was doing it until I sat down to write a post about Zoom, at which point I discovered that the show had leached into my subconscious and bled all the way through to my working life. Sure, I’ve learned a lot from higher education and on-the-job experience — but everything I really needed to know, I apparently learned from Zoom.

1) Always cheer for your friends.

Remember how every time they were playing a game, all of the kids would cheer for everyone who was competing? They’d be all “Go Zoe! Go Jared! You can do it, Zoe! You got this, Jared!”. At twelve, I thought that no real kids actually did this — you picked who you wanted to win, and that was that. There was a lot more smack talk in my childhood.

Now that I’ve grown up, I realize that I take a Zoom approach to other people’s success. As long as it’s one of my people getting ahead, I’m happy. That’s not to say I won’t work like crazy so that I’m the one getting the good project, or the promotion, or whatever. But, if a friend or colleague is recognized, that’s almost as good as a victory for myself. You aren’t in competition with your friends or even your co-workers, is I guess what I’m saying. It’s good to be happy for people. ZOOM Games taught me that.

2) The zip code in Allston is 02134.

True story: I had to mail something to Boston a few months ago, and didn’t have the exact address. I was able to look it up on Google maps because I had an approximate zip code, thanks to that damn theme song that is still in my head after 14 years.

3) Sometimes you just need to learn something by watching people.

I’m talking about ubbi-dubbi. I could lapse into ubbi dubbi this second. But ask me to explain how to do it, and it would be super confusing. However, if you watched a few clips of the Zoom-ers speaking it, you could ubbi-dubbi with the best of them. This definitely happens in the adult world — when long, step-by-step instructions fail you, sometimes the best thing to say is “hey, can I watch you do that once?” and you’ll get it.

4) If someone has an idea, you have to listen to them for instructions. If you’re giving instructions, you have to make people listen to you.

I wish someone had told me that 90% of being an adult with a professional job was just being kind of pushy so that people would do what I need them to do. Since Zoom was a kids-only show, one of the Zoomers would be the one to explain the rules of a game or how to do a craft. Unlike real children, the other Zoom kids listened with rapt attention. I definitely try to do that when someone’s telling me something important. But when you’re the one giving orders, you have to speak loudly and clearly and look the other people straight in the face, just like Keiko and Buzz did – unless you’re working over email, and then you have to do the email equivalent of that.

5) Positivity And Perseverance Will Keep Your Team On Track

While the “being pushy so people do what I need them to do” thing does come up a lot, I much prefer it when people just respond to teamwork. It’s not a cool trait at all, but I’m plucky, like an adult American Girl doll or a character from a Haley Mills movie. No kidding, one of my higher-ups praised my “can-do attitude” when I took over a book series. Well, you can thank PBS afternoon television for that. Zoomers didn’t give up, even when they were losing or really, really struggling. And when you’re working with other people – whether a production staff or the other kids on your balloon toss game – your positive attitude translates to everyone else. My work is deadline heavy, and as the editor in charge, I can’t say “this is awful, we’re running so late, and by the way it’s your fault because you forgot to do part of your job.” It works much, much better to let everyone know that we can do this, and that as the one responsible, you’re going to do everything you can to get the job done.

6) Crowd-Source Your Content

PBS knew that adults couldn’t always come up with fun kid activities, so most of the games and recipes were sent in by kids. I can’t prove this, but I feel like it was almost always Stephanie M. from Toledo, Ohio. This is definitely the way to go in most real-life professions, too. I mean the “getting feedback from your target audience” thing, not so much the Stephanie M. thing.

7) Sometimes People Way Older Or Way Younger Than You Have Really Great Ideas

When you’re a kid, the difference between an 8 year old and a 12 year old is HUGE. Zoom spanned a pretty wide age range — you know those kids would not have been hanging out together in real life. Still, everyone learned from each other. If you’re starting out in your career and are way young compared to everyone else (that’s me!), or if you’re working with people half your age, don’t just write off those youths or fogeys. Caroline’s ideas weren’t always bad, you know.

8) Always have a healthy snack after school

Or after work, whatever. Or in the late afternoon, if you keep healthy snacks in your desk drawer. 9 times out of 10, when I hit that mid-afternoon slump, it’s some sort of blood sugar situation and a handful of almonds or an apple perk me right up (sometimes the only answer is caffeine. Zoom didn’t teach me that one. Also you know who couldn’t have nuts? Zoe. She was allergic). Thanks, Cafe ZOOM.

9) It’s OK if you show up in the same outfit as somebody else. Or everybody else.

Whatever, it was a good t-shirt.

10) Learning is cool.

My mom was an elementary school science teacher when I was a kid, so my childhood was all dissecting owl pellets and growing crystals. Although it was no Bill Nye or Beakman’s World, Zoom helped emphasize that learning new things is cool. When you’re working, that means jumping in headfirst to learn about a new task, field, or emerging technology. Props to Zoom Sci for that one.

18Jul2013

Jury Duty: Law & Disorder

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by Molly

Think about things that come in the mail. Now, rank them into levels based on desirability. The top level is clearly anything with money or a present in it. Below that, things that you’ve paid for and ordered. Real letters are pretty high up there. Now, travel far down the list – below the Nigerian bank scams, below your student loan statements. There, at the deepest, darkest level, is the jury summons. We all hate that damn jury summons.

I was able to put off my summons twice, and I’m pretty proud that I didn’t even have to lie about it. I was genuinely studying abroad the first time, and in school out of state the second time. By the time the third summons came, my only excuse was “I don’t want to,” which is I guess not recognized in New York.

I must have been just as shifty a character in a past life as I am in this one, because karma handed me a grand jury summons. In NY, grand juries hear evidence for felony cases and decide whether or not to indict the accused. Doesn’t sound like karmic retribution yet? Grand juries are in court all day, every weekday for a month (or once a week for like a million years – I didn’t end up with that one). And here’s the kicker: there’s no voir dire. You know, that thing where lawyers ask questions to the prospective jurors, and you try to sound real dishonorable-like so they don’t pick you? Nope. If you get the summons, and they pull your number, and you’re not the primary caregiver for a dying person or a baby, then you’re spending the next month in the basement of your local courthouse drinking depressing office-quality coffee and paying for your own parking.

Yeah. They don’t even pay for your parking (there’s some sort of stipend, or usually you’ll still get paid by your job, but still. Parking.)

Once I accepted the reality of being on the Grand-Freaking-Jury for an entire month, I devised a plan to go incognito. See, I bring it up on the blog when it’s relevant, but in real life I don’t necessarily love telling people that I’m a lawyer. First of all, people usually express some sort of surprise when I tell them. Let’s be clear: I don’t care what anyone thinks about me, or whether or not they like what I do for a living, or if they think I look like a lawyer. In fact, I care so little that it makes for a really boring conversation that I don’t even want to bother with. Added to that, it would lead to some extra awkwardness if other jurors asked me to explain legal stuff. Plus, I didn’t want anyone to think that it carried extra weight if the attorney voted a certain way on a case.

After a solid week of super-secret deliberations, I had to blow my own cover. Some people were grossly misinterpreting a law, and I couldn’t hold it in any more. It was fine, I promise. It was, however, kind of frustrating to know that although I had studied the law, my opinion was worth no more than anyone else’s. Even though I was totally right. Here’s a good thing, though: if you find yourself in a randomly assigned group of 23 people from your community, you’re going to like most of them. Obviously there will be a few loudmouths or weirdos, but loudmouths and weirdos make the world go ‘round.

So, after all that, why should you answer the summons? Civic engagement. You’re a part of your country, state, town, whatever. Act like it. I don’t expect everyone to get as fired up about the legal system as I am, but you still have to admit that it’s all pretty interesting. For a lot of folks, jury service is the only way they’ll ever interact with the justice system outside of Law and Order marathons. Particularly for grand jury – where you’ll hear up to a dozen cases a day – it’s the best way to know what’s going on in your community. Yeah, it was a bummer not being able to tell anyone I was on the jury for some of the high-profile stuff we heard, but the cases and evidence were fascinating. Not to mention, you are playing a role in prosecuting a crime or exonerating someone who is not guilty. I know the “jury service is a privilege” thing gets played up a lot, but that is a pretty huge privilege. In a lot of countries the accused are just thrown to the mercy of whichever judge they happen to get. Juries should make things a little more fair. Liberty and justice and all.

The news this week has me thinking about the other reason you should stop saying you have to “take your grandmother to a medical procedure” and just show up for your darn jury duty. If you hear about cases where you don’t agree with the jury verdict, you have no business shrugging off the privilege of serving on a jury yourself. You might not get picked, but at least be prepared to serve. There were times in deliberations where I couldn’t believe the assumptions that some of the other jurors were making — but since I was there, I was able to argue for the way I saw things. It’s like voting, that way: if you aren’t willing to do it yourself, then you don’t really get to complain about the results.

Lawyers, you definitely want to answer that summons. If it’s for regular jury duty, you know there’s a 99.999% chance that you’re not getting empaneled anyway. And for Grand Jury? My-oh-my did I see and hear things that lawyers usually aren’t privy to. There were some comments from the presiding judge and this one improbably old juror that surprised even me – some lawyers out there are facing real biases in the courtroom, even if nobody will say it to your face. Plus, all that stuff you learn in law school about how juries think, and how they interpret evidence, and their understanding of jury instructions? Okay, I hate to say it, but a lot of it was super-true. It was disheartening, but I’m glad I got to see it firsthand. It’s nice to know what you’re up against. If you go to court intent on kicking ass and taking names, just know that in some courtrooms, you might have to kick extra hard.

The next time you get that jury summons in the mail, I know you’re not going to be as excited as if it were a rebate check or a birthday card. Trust that I hate doing inconvenient things as much as the next person. There was some unpleasantness: hearing things I didn’t want to hear coming from a judge’s mouth, really bad coffee, seeing the law that I spent 3 years studying being applied in ways I didn’t always feel was right, the parking (vouchers. Come on. Please.) On the whole, though, jury service is a privilege to complain about.

4Jul2013

So Your Mom’s On Facebook

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by Molly

Here’s a generational marker I never thought would make me feel old: I remember when Facebook first started. In the 2004-2005 school year, I was a Freshman in college and my school was one of the early adopters* of Facebook (or “the Facebook” as we called it at the time). When you met someone at a party, they’d ask if you were “on the Facebook.” After working with a kid on a group project, you’d go back to your dorm and discover that you’d been “poked.” Facebook was like a whole world populated solely by college kids.** It was like Lord of The Flies that way. You couldn’t get on there without an .edu address, and it was a parent-free zone.

Unless you’ve been Rip van Winkle-ing*** since 2005, you know what’s happened since. Like all things that have lost their youth culture cache, Facebook has been taken over by moms. If it hasn’t happened yet, it’s coming soon — the friend request from your mother. It’s bad. My mom is on Facebook, and she is the worst because she takes everything she reads very seriously and literally. A few months ago, she said to me “I didn’t know your cousin ‘Derek’ was gay!”.

“He’s not gay, mom. He has a girlfriend.” I know having a girlfriend isn’t the sine qua non of straightness, but I also have really solid gaydar.

“No. He’s gay. His status is “I am a homosexual.”

Oh, brother. Here we go. My cousin is that particular kind of dude-bro who has friends who sneak into his Facebook account and write homophobic stuff because they think it’s hilarious. By the by, his mom and sister are both lesbians.

“Mom. Nobody says “homosexual” except for Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh. That was Derek’s friends.”

Cut to two weeks later. “Derek is DEFINTELY gay. Look at his status now!”

I looked. His status was now “I like dick.” I considered explaining to her that nobody, gay or straight, would write that, but figured it was a losing battle.

There are a few ways to prevent scenarios like this:

Ignore Friend Request
This is the cleanest option, and works best with tech-clueless moms. You can tell her that the request didn’t go through, or assume that she’ll never know how to figure out if you’ve confirmed. If your mom is the type to nag a lot, is okay with computers, or will read a large-scale rejection into this, then I’d skip the ignore option.

Heightened Privacy Settings
Make a list of people you want to restrict, then make a “custom” post setting so that nothing is seen by people on those lists. If you have a bunch of gossip-mongers in your family, this might have to go beyond your mom. There are some things that I wouldn’t mind, say, my aunt seeing, but I know she’d bring it up to my mom, so I play it safe and hide it from all of them. That includes posts from this blog. One of my favorite gems of writing advice comes from Anne Lamott, who suggested you “write as if your parents are dead.” I find that “write as if your parents don’t use social networking” works almost as well.

Cleansing Your Past
A lot of us have stopped using Facebook in earnest. With full-time jobs and professional degrees on the line, we aren’t posting photos of us “totally wasted!” at 2am on a Saturday. We’re in bed by then anyway. However, if your mom is nosy enough, then she might reach into the way-back years. A while ago I took a trip down Facebook memory lane, and apparently I was kind of trashy and skanky in college. You might want to clean up your past a little. Just think of it as Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Internet Record.

Sanitizing the Future
If you really don’t want to block your mom, then every time you write something you have to realize that your mom is going to see it – and, as I discussed above, is probably going to read a whole lot into it. It’s okay to write “Sooo tired!”. It’s not okay to write “I haven’t been this tired since I took a 24-hour bus ride to Florida, went to a sketchy karaoke bar, then stayed at the apartment of these iffy Southern frat boys who just said they were taking us out for grits then wouldn’t take us to our hotel.” This is a new life, and in this new life, your mom is on Facebook and that never happened.****

Continuing as you Were
Maybe you aren’t one of those people who has stopped really using Facebook. Maybe you’re also not one of those people whose life has turned staid and orderly after college. Maybe in that case, you’ll just say screw it, accept your mom’s friend request, and carry on posting as you were. You’re probably smarter than all of us, actually. While the rest of us are covertly restricting our photo albums or writing vague, cheerful statuses, you can just let it all hang out. Actually, if you do this right, you might repulse your mom so much that she will disavow of Facebook altogether.

I suggest you start with posting “I like dick.”

* My college got Facebook early because it was “the Harvard of the SUNY system,” which I guess is almost a compliment. Or almost an insult. Not sure which.
** Another thing that’s like a whole world populated solely by college kids: College.
*** Rip van Winklevossing?
****Only thing worse than spending 24 hours on a bus: spending 24 hours on a bus, then ending up in Florida.

19Jun2013

A Stalker’s Guide to Dillon, Texas

Posted in Entertainment, GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by Traci

Howdy y’all! I recently went to Austin, Texas for a brief weekend getaway, for a few reasons. One: I always wanted to go to Austin, since I heard it was the most un-Texas Texas city in the state. During my road trip across the country in 2009, Austin was on the list of possible cities to go, but we due to time constraints (and the fact we wanted to not drive across desert for another 10 hours), we opted to skip Austin, and I’ve put the city on the top of my bucket list ever since. Two: I attended the ATX Television Festival, which is a new festival for TV fans and those who want to break into the industry, and it was full of screenings, panels, and reunions from fave shows. You may have heard about the Boy Meets World bonanza, and I also attended the American Dreams and Party of Five reunions, and sat in on Parenthood and Veronica Mars panels! Not to mention Friday Night Lights. Which brings me to reason three: Friday Night Lights. The show was set in the fictional town of Dillion, Texas, but was shot entirely in Austin. Ever since I marathoned (and obsessed over) the series in 2010, I made it my goal to go to Austin and find all the filming locations.

So, if you’re a ~~superfan~~ stalker like me, and find yourself in Austin, here’s a guide to Dillon by way of Austin.

The Taylor House

6805 De Paul Cove, Austin TX 78723

The house were the greatest TV couple/parents lived. They should make this place a national landmark. PS: The Taylor, Riggins, and Alamo Freeze are all close to each other, so you can do it all in one fell swoop!

The Riggins House

2604 Lehigh Dr. Austin, TX 78723

No sign of Riggs 😦

Alamo Freeze

5900 Manor Rd. Austin, TX 78723

Fun fact: the Alamo Freeze is actually a Dairy Queen. So you can reenact Matt’s proposal to Julie and then grab an oreo blizzard.

Saracen House

3009 Kuhlman Ave. Austin, TX 78702

Grandma Saracen and her tiara not included.

Del Valle Field

2404 Shapard Lane, Del Valle, TX

Panther Fieldhouse still in tact!

The Panthers side

And the other side of the field was the Lions side!

The FNL fieldhouse is still in tact and on a random street near the Austin airport. The only thing still up and running nearby are a few trailers – like trailer park trailers. But you could clearly see the football field and the stands, which is pretty cool. The area was actually used for two ‘sets’, with the Panthers on the left, and when East Dillion needed a field, they built the Lions homefield on the other side of the Panthers’ bleachers!

Here’s me and my friend Suz hanging with Riggins at the fieldhouse…

PS: I didn’t just come up with these locations, it’s easily found on the internet – including here!!!

And to round out my tour of FNL filming locations, the ATX Festival also had a couple of FNL events, including an outdoor screening of State (Season 1 finale) and a panel with the cast! The screening, which appropriately took place on Friday night, was great because a lot of the cast members were there to meet with fans and introduce the ep. I got to meet most of them, and I still can’t believe it happened!

I apologized to Matt Lauria for wearing the wrong shirt, and he said, “Wrong side of the tracks, babe.” DEAD.

Smash and Tinker sandwich!

Jason Street said, “Sorry for my back sweat,” then proceeded to show me the back of his shirt. HAHAHA #deadagain

Grandma Saracen told me to go under the VIP rope to take this pic with her!

Grams and Buddy Garrity having a laugh

Grandma Saracen then offered this personal signed picture of herself with the boys. Bless.

AND THEN, the next morning was the FNL panel, where we were surprised by a couple guests:

COACH AND MRS. COACH, Y’ALL!!!!!! I think I may have started crying.Who knows. But you can always bet on me crying. I shared the same air as the greatest couple ever.

Thanks for the great time, Austin/Dillon! See y’all next time!

30May2013

Home Is Where the Heart Is

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by Traci

On a recent trip back to my hometown, my friend asked me, “Does it feel like home when you come back to Rochester?” He posed an interesting question that I guess I’ve never been asked before, and I had to find the right words to accurately depict a real answer.

Sure it felt like home, but not in the same sense that it was when I was younger. I guess the idea of ‘home’ changed somewhere around spring of 2006. I spent the semester studying abroad in the Netherlands with 79 other kids from my college, and we all lived and took classes in this medieval castle. I went in there not really knowing anyone, but ended up leaving with a group of lifelong friends, the experience of traveling around Europe, and it essentially became a turning point into adulthood.

I’ve mentioned it briefly before, but while I was there I was introduced to a song called cathedrals by Jump Little Children. One of the lyrics from the song that I still connect to to this day says,

In the cathedrals of New York and Rome, there is a feeling that you should just go home – and spend a lifetime finding out just where that is.

It was true – this random castle in a sleepy Holland town became my home after 3 months, and although I absolutely loved it there , I was longing to go home to America to see my family and friends. Problem was – Boston slowly became my home and Rochester was the home I only ever knew before going away to college.

I’ll never forget one of the first nights back in the States. I was staying in my old dorm room, which was now occupied by some random granola crunchy girl. It hit me all at once – I was back in Boston – in America – the day I had been dreaming of for the past three months – yet I just broke down and cried. Like I was probably having a mental breakdown but I just sobbed out all my emotions and insisted i was okay. If I was exactly where I wanted to be, why was I so upset?

A year later, I officially moved to Boston. It was the first time I wasn’t going home to Rochester for the summer and the first time Boston felt like home too. Two years after that, I made a somewhat quick decision to move to Los Angeles and nearly four years later, a city I swore I would never move to has now become my home as well.

On the same recent trip to Rochester, I realized that I get the same questions from my parents’ friends. “Do you like it in LA?” Swear to God, the two times every year that I go to Rochester, someone asks me that without fail. I’ve always thought that was a weird question to ask someone, especially since I’ve been living in LA for so long. Of course I like it. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here still. It might be their way of making conversation or perhaps because I think too much into things, it might be their way of saying, “Why do you like it in LA so much? It’s so much better here in Rochester.”

My cordial answer to them is always a vague, ‘Yes I like it a lot. ‘ I don’t want to go into the reasons why LA can be annoying at times, because honestly who can say they love every single things about where they live and have no complaints? But yes, I like it, yes it’s home for me now, but so are these other places around the world. Anyone who’s lived in more than one place can relate. I feel like Voldemort leaving pieces of his soul everywhere but without the whole evil side of it. My heart is in Rochester, it’s in Boston, it’s in Well, the Netherlands. Who knows what will come in the future? I’ll just have to spend the rest of my life discovering just exactly where home is.

24May2013

Live Blog: My Mom watches the Dancing with the Stars finale

Posted in Entertainment, GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Live Blogs by Traci

Dancing with the Stars is one of the biggest reality TV shows on the air, and naturally I have to watch it and keep up with it and write any news pertaining the show. But I always forget that the one person who is pretty much the ideal demographic fort this show is my mother. Like suburban, older, women usually like this show. Naturally, she was excited about the season finale. I just happened to be with my parents on the night of this past week’s season 16 finale, and I could only get her reactions to the last hour of the two-hour finale, but they’re still entertaining none the less. It’s like she was betting money on it or something, that’s how into it and stressed she was over the show. I mean, I tend to get emotional about telveision, but it’s so uncharacteristic from her that I was more amused than annoyed. Here are some quality quotes from the Dancing with the Stars shit show. BTW – this was mostly said in Filipino, so this is all a rough translation of what she said…

During Pitbull’s performance: “(Judge) Len (Goodman) better be careful or he’ll break something!”

This man may be 69 years old, but he’s a ballroom champ and legit was helping finalist Jacoby Jones in practice the day before.

When cameras panned over to the audience: “Oh it’s Kristi! Kristi’s there!” (Yamaguchi, because she’s on a first name basis with her, apparently.)

When missing the part where the top four was narrowed down to three, and NFL pro Jacoby Jones was still in the competition: “JACKoby? JACKoby will probably win now!!” – It’s pronounced Jah-CO-bee.

And finding out Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman placed fourth, below Jacoby: “Aly probably cried… Jacoby’s good but not as good as the women. How disappointing.”

After Jacoby’s instant salsa: Jacoby’s mom is too much (she was holding up her own a ’10’ sign from the audience): “They’ll probably give him a 10. That is not right… That’s why he has a lot of fans- because of this touchdown dance.”

On Zendaya’s instant jive dance: “Ohhh her music is so good (It was the classic, Rockin’ Robin).”

On 16-year-old Zendaya’s footwear choices: “See, she can’t dance in heels. She should be dancing in heels. But she’s a kid… she’s not wearing heels.” (She actually wears heels 90% of the time on the show)

Zendaya’s video package talking about her final dance on the show: “It’s definitely going to suck” – Zendaya
“HA ‘SUCKS’! SHE’S A KID!” – My old mom

On appreciating figure skate alumni in the audience: “Oh Dorothy’s there too. Dorothy and Kristi are sitting next to each other!” (the DWTS mom version of fangirling)

“They need to improve the mirrorball trophy.”

On last season’s American Idol runner-up (and 1/2 Filipino), Jessica Sanchez, who performed: “Ay it’s Jessica!!! She has too much makeup on… she has on too much makeup.”

Still not over Jacoby making it over Aly: “It will be so disappointing if Jacoby wins… See he has the lowest cheers.” (from the audience)

After Jacoby was eliminated, leaving Zendaya and American Idol alum Kellie Pickler in the top two: “There – there it won’t matter who wins between the two of them… even though I like Kellie.”

When Kellie Pickler was named the champion of DWTS: “They’re (Kellie & pro partner Derek) shocked!! It’s because of their performance from last night. Because she’s very artistic… But derek won again – how many is this that he won? She didn’t become the American Idol but she was the Dancing with the Stars champion.”

23May2013

I Am Not A Morning Person

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by Traci

I have never been a morning person. Even as a kid I tended to stay up late way later than I should have, and despite thinking it would be easy to get up the next morning, it never was. Nothing’s really changed over the years, as much as I’ve tried. While we’ve all overslept before, I had somewhat of a nightmare story that includes breaking and entering, crossing state lines, and pushing the speed limit. Here’s an exact guide of what NOT to do if you want to get up on time like a normal human being.

1) Don’t go to sleep late if you need to get up early

Hello Captain Obvious. I mean this goes without saying, but sometimes it’s just so hard to go to sleep, you guys. The internet. Like, the internet is a deep, dark, scary, YouTube filled hole. But if you’re planning on taking a mini road trip to a city four hours away, and you have to be on time in order to make The Office tour in Scranton, Pennsylvania, don’t go to sleep late.

2) Don’t fall asleep with your phone in your hand

So here’s the thing about me: I use an alarm clock and my phone to wake up. Like a DUAL alarm clock, and set four alarms on my cell phone. The alarm clock is more of a warning, it’s almost time for you to get up, so you can keep pressing snooze, mechanism. The cell phone alarms are to actually wake me up. So when it’s imperative that you get up at 6am to take the subway to your friend/roommate’s house so she can drive to Scranton, make sure your phone is properly place don your nightstand, and not hastily on your bed. Because if it is just lying next to you while you’re sleeping, you could accidentally throw it off your bed in a fit of rage during your REM cycle, causing it to crash on the ground with the battery detached from the rest of the phone.

3) Make sure your roommate who’s been living at home still has a key to your apartment

If someone’s that’s meeting you is wondering where you are, but has no way of contacting you because your phone is in bits on the floor, it might be cause for concern. Death? Kidnapping? Ghost scenario and you haven’t been alive after all these years at all? Possibly. If you have a spare key or have a roommate who has a key and is willing to barge into your room to yell at you to wake up because you’re an absolute idiot, that would be ideal.

4) Know how to go from dead to awake in under 5 minutes

Always have an outfit in mind for the next day, especially if you know there will be a lot of photo opportunities. In the case of a late wake up call, you can just throw it on, brush your teeth real quick, and bring your makeup in the car. Also, know how to put on makeup in the car.

5) Make sure your driver friend is willing to disobey speeding laws

Because you’ve been a stupid hoe and totes Britta’d it, your awesome friend now has to make up for lost time. 4 hour driving time to Scranton from Boston? and we have to be there in about 3? No prob. Just speed and keep an eye out for the po-pos.

Meghan, Katie, Phyllis, and me with Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration

6) Get to Scranton right on time and meet Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration

21May2013

The biggest decisions you have to make while on a plane

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by Traci

When I fly, I feel like everything has to be planned out. The hours I spend in a confined plane without Internet have to be thought out, not just hasty decisions made on the spot. I feel like even typing this out makes me sound a little crazy, but I feel like its the only way I can deal with flying. What do I mean exactly? Here are some examples of big decisions you have to make on a plane to make your travel experience streamlined and pleasant.

Complimentary Bevs
Why is it that I only drink tomato juice when I’m on a plane? Better question, does anyone drink tomato juice NOT on a plane? This is usually my bev of choice, sometimes I’ll opt for an apple juice or water, but the big kicker is – do I want coffee? Aren’t planes supposed to be the best way to catch up on sleep? Like what else are you gonna do besides read/watch a movie for 6 hours? But coffee? You smell it wafting through the stale airplane air and somehow it smells even better than usual.

Snacks
One has to be extremely careful of what they pick to eat on a plane. Dnt be the douche that brings McDonald’s number one special on the plane. Because the smell of fries will overtake the smell of coffee any day. Don’t eat any type of tuna fish or banana… Stick with like granola bars or candy or something. But of course that’s never what I want to eat on a plane. I usually want to eat those fries.

Bathroom Probs
This is the biggest problem for me. It’s why I always choose aisle seats. I hate having a window seat and then needing to go to the bathroom and having to ask my row mates if they can’t pause everything they’re doing and move for me. And you have to pick a good time to get up too – because if that turbulence hits while you’re in that phone booth sized bathroom, it’s not a pretty sight. Oh and also you could open the door that otherwise indicates the bathroom is vacant, only to have an awkward run in with you male flight attendant. Because that happens.

Talking to your neighbors
On my most recent flight, I was sitting next to a lovely couple probably around my age or in their early thirties. They set up their iPad and had splitter headphones in order to watch homeland together. HOMELAND!! All I wanted to do is ask them: DO YOU THINK BRODY IS A TERRORIST OR NOT?!? DO YOU SHIP BRODY AND CARRIE AS MUCH AS I DO??? (Not yelling of course. Sorry I got excited) There was a perfect time for me to ask the girl about my Homeland questions but then I realized it would’ve been weird for me to be all up in their space and essentially be like, “so I was watching your every move and noticed you’re watching a television program I’m highly interested in.. Want to talk about it for the next 5 hours?’ No. I can’t be that girl.

Forms of entertainment
Speaking of forms of entertainment, I have to have everything I’m planning on using directly in front of me. None of this going into the overhead compartment and digging out a book, magazine, iPod, snack. Etc. you have to have your shit together. And if you make the wrong decision and don’t want to read that book anymore, tough noogies, you’re stuck with it.

Flying can be tough, y’all.

16May2013

A Final Farewell to Dunder Mifflin

Posted in Entertainment, GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by Traci

After nine seasons, Dunder-Mifflin will finally close its doors and carry on without the documentary film crew following their every move. The Office is one of my all-time favorite shows, right behind Friends and Gilmore Girls. While those two shows have been off the air for a while now, I can clearly remember watching the final episodes of the series and completely breaking down. Like, an irrational, ridiculous puddle. To this day, it’s hard for me to get myself to watch either of the finales, since I just get way too emotional about it. TV is real to me, you guys, ok?

I was a little late coming into The Office, only tuning in at the end of season three. But as soon as I watched the first few episodes I was hooked. Like the level of obsession where I would watch every episode over and over again, go online to fan sites, crazily watch charming interviews of John Krasinski and I may or may not have watched a fan video or two.

In 2009, my friend Meghan and her sister Katie and I even drove down to Scranton, Pennsylvania for one of the official Office tours. Super dorky, but whatever. We got some free swag, and got to check out the real places that the characters reference on the show. We even had some special guests on the tour, Jennie, the gal who runs the awesome OfficeTally website (again, I’m a total geek for this show!), and Robert Shafer, the guy who plays Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration!

Lazy Scranton the Electric City

The Steamtown Mall ft. Boscov’s Department store (where Pam & Phyllis bought their outfits in Casual Friday)

The actual sign seen in the credits is on the side of a busy road, so naturally dangerous to stop there and take pix. This sufficed.

Being AZN with m’pals Dwight & Big Tuna

Giant heads!

I have this quote on a shirt I got from Poor Richard’s Pub

Meghan, Katie, Phyllis, and me with Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration

The building featured in the opening credits!

Coopers Seafood Restaurant, where Michael & Holly had lunch, and where we did too.

While visiting Lake Scranton, this couple was taking wedding pix, so natch, Bob Vance took pix with them.

Here’s a doozy: Poor Richard’s is actually inside this bowling alley

Super dark in there, but it does kinda look like what we see on TV!

I’ve even creepily visited the actual studios in Van Nuys a couple times, including right before they shot the finale, where we left a janky note thanking the cast & crew, and also made friends with the security guard who gave us insider info on the cast’s filming schedule the next day!

Someone came prepared and made a flat Stanley cut out. Should’ve thought the visit through.

And despite the fact I will admittedly say the past couple of seasons haven’t been as good as it was in the beginning, I have stuck by it with every passing episode. Now that we’re down to the final one, I’m in this weird middle of being totally in denial and completely okay with it ending. Luckily, the writers have played out this season in such a way that it doesn’t leave us wanting more. In fact we’re getting some happy and satisfying endings to our beloved characters, that it’s like they’re saying, ‘Here ya go, fans. This is The Office, wrapped and tied up in a nice shiny bow.’

That being said, these last few episodes have been absolutely gut-wrenching, to the point where I’m a complete mess. Even the promos for the actual finale felt like a punch right in the babymaker and I just couldn’t stop crying. Ever since the writers and producers realized there was a strong fan base for the show, they’ve been really great at making sure there is complete continuity on every episode, adding to the realistic documentary style. Little things like the everyone using the same mug they’ve been using since the pilot, or small character traits like Toby randomly mentioning he writes a series of crime novels or Stanley telling Pam everyone’s changed over the years while eating a giant pretzel.

The arcs of the main characters have especially hit me hard coming into the final stretch, like Dwight and Jim slowly becoming friends instead of all out foes. And of course there’s the iconic Jim/Pam love story. Despite the fact they’ve gone through a bit of a rough patch this season and there’s been a bit of uproar about it, I didn’t really mind. These two have had the epitome of a perfect relationship, and since this show is supposed to be a real documentary, they just had to have a rift at some point. Real life isn’t always about ‘will they or won’t they,’ which is why Pam and Jim went on their first date at the end of season three six seasons later, they’re still together.

And in the last few episodes, I admit I was a little hesitant about how Jim would just give up this awesome job just because he loved Pam so much. But in the penultimate episode, where he showed her the video, it all made sense. Just as he was showing Pam this montage of all their greatest romantic moments to remind her of why he chose her over Philadelphia, the writers were also showing us why we fell in love with these two in the first place. And in honor of keeping tradition of being awesome to the fans, turns out the video was based on a real fan video made circa season 3 with the very same song.

Excuse me while I start crying again just thinking about it.

This show took chances to show a realistic lifestyle at a boring paper company. The fact that they even decided to break the fourth wall a little by having Pam interact with a crew member (aka ‘Boom Brian’), is extremely ballsy. They could have easily just pretended the documentary was still filming way after we as viewers could see. So what better way to end it than by showing the Dunder-Mifflin folks what they’ve collected over the years with romance, breakups, firings, babies, and sad departures all caught on camera?

All this goes to say that as much as I do/don’t want The Office to come to an end, I’m glad it’s ending the way it is. More often than not, network politics get in the way and fans of shows aren’t treated with the kind of ending and closure they deserve (see: Gilmore Girls, Veronica Mars, Party Down, etc.). Luckily NBC (finally) did something right by working with the show’s producers and actors and collectively deciding this would be the last season. It gave them a chance to end the series the way they wanted it too. In fact that the writers/producers all talked to the actors and asked them how they wanted their character’s stories to end, and incorporated it into the storyline. What other show would do that? Judging by the way the last few episodes have played out (and even how they dealt with the departure of Michael Scott), us fans are in for a satisfying, bittersweet ending.

So, thank you, Dunder-Mifflin and co. Thank you for nine wonderful seasons of laughter and tears. Thank you for making this journey worthwhile. My Thursday nights will never be the same.