Category Archives: Lists

The Final Goodbye: Television’s Best Series Finales

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It seems like just yesterday we were introduced to Chemistry teach Mr. Walter White and his ex-student Jesse Pinkman, who became entrepreneurs with their booming meth business. And for some of you, it was like yesterday if you’re of the late-to-the-party-binge-watching ilk. And this weekend, it all comes crashing down to an anxiety-ridden end. Will Jesse die? What will happen to Skyler, Walt Jr. Flynn & Holly? Will Todd kill any more people? Who will Walt use the Ricin on?  Will anyone in ABQ ever have an A1 day?

While we anticipate Sunday’s series finale, I decided to take a look at some of my personal favorite series finales. To be clear, I only considered shows I’ve seen from beginning to end, so don’t complain that The Sopranos finale isn’t on here because I’ve never seen it. Buuut I would like to hear what your favorite series finales are! And then at approx 10:16pm on Sunday, we can all add Breaking Bad to that list and cry together knowing there will never be a new episode of one of the greatest TV shows ever again.

(In chronological order) ((Also, spoiler alert??))

Friends (1994-2004)

Besides being one of the most legendary sitcoms in TV history, Friends also has a special place in my heart as well. It was the first show that I ever became obsessed with – to the point where I wore out the VHS tapes I used to tape every episode on. I went through the seasons multiple times, reference it daily, held day long marathons called ‘Friends-travaganzas’ and it even had some influence on this very blog (In high school, Molly & I made a bet on who we thought the father of Rachel’s baby was going to be, and the winner had to buy the loser our cafeteria’s famous cookies. We both lost.)

That being said, as a fan of a series for 10 years, you want the last episode to wrap up everything in a nice package with a perfect bow. You want the best for the people/characters you’ve spent the past 10 years laughing with. And the finale did just that. Monica and Chandler finally got the family they desperately wanted, Phoebe was also able to find a family she never really hard growing up with her husband Mike, and after their epic on-again, off-again relationship, Rachel got off the plane and promised that ‘this was it’ with Ross and they could build upon their own family too (My only qualm is that Joey still didn’t end up with anyone, even if it was because of the awful spin-off).

Co-creator David Crane has said that he and Marta Kaufmann were inspired to write about their own lives, living in NYC in their 20s. They pitched the show as such: “It’s about searching for love and commitment and security, and the fear of love and commitment and security. It’s about friendship – because when you’re young and single in the city, your friends are your family.” And in the end, all the characters achieved and surpassed that. The finale was like a graduation for the gang, even though they spent pretty much the past 10 years relying on each other, the end of the series signified that their friends weren’t the ‘ultimate family’ anymore. It was time to go make their own.

Six Feet Under (2001-2005)

I binge-watched Six Feet Under last year, and even though I found it too dark for my taste at times, overall it lived up to its hype. Not only that, but the finale was everything that people said it would be. Seriously, just watch SFU for the finale alone. Don’t worry, I won’t spoil anything, but the last montage ^AS SEEN ABOVE, SO DON’T WATCH IT IF YOU PLAN ON WATCHING IT IN THE FUTURE^^ is the best, most genius, satisfying ending I’ve ever seen. I honestly can’t even talk about it because it is that good.

Friday Night Lights (2006-2011)

Much like Six Feet Under, I was a little late to the Friday Night Lights game – and I’m assuming most of its fans are. Right after the series finale aired in May, the entire show was available on Netflix Instant – a moment I had been waiting for for years! I spent the summer (ok, like a month and a half) of 2011 bonding with Netflix, the Taylors and Tim Riggins abs. It was one of those instances where all I could think about was the Panthers. I would be at work just dreaming about what would happen next, and rushing home to watch the next episode.

But when it came down to the final season, I had mixed feelings. I wanted to know what happened to the gang, but absolutely did not want it to end. The problem was that I watched it so fast that five years of drama in Dillon was condensed into just a few weeks – but it was there. The bond I had with the team was there. It literally took me almost as long to watch the final five episodes, particularly the finale, than it did to watch the whole thing. But when it did, it was perfect. Stories were tied up, characters found their happy endings, and Mr. and Mrs. Coach were still the perfect role models they were from the pilot. Clear eyes. Full Hearts…

30 Rock (2006-2013)

There’s a reason why 30 Rock has won 16 Emmy Awards – it’s just that good. It’s a rare breed of show that has been able to be intelligent, biting, sentimental and most importantly funny throughout the seven seasons on air. The combination of the final three episodes was incredibly fulfilling for all 30 Rock fans, as the show highlighted everything we loved about it in the first place. Liz dealing with the ragtag group of writers, Jenna vying for attention, and Kenneth, well Kenneth ends up exactly where he was meant to be all along.

The Office (2005-2013)

Add The Office right next to Friends, because this show is one of my all-time favorites. Now I admit that the show kind of lagged towards the end of its run, but I maintain that it was still funnier than most shows on TV at the time. In my opinion, NBC landed the jackpot with smart comedies like 30 Rock, Parks and Rec, Community, and of course, The Office. Executive Producer Greg Daniels proved that he could not only adopt the UK version, but alter it to fancy American audiences and make it last twice as long as its namesake.

For me, The Office blended that perfect mix of comedy with heart, that only few shows have been able to master. The perfect example of this is in the boss himself, Michael Scott. He may have done asinine things like almost commit suicide in order to show the risks of depression and suicide, or hold a funeral for a bird in order to cope with the death of a former co-worker or organize the ‘Michael Scott’s Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race For The Cure’. When you whittle it down, he does all these things because he cares. He cares about his employees, the people who became his friends, and ultimately his family.

The entire Dunder Mifflin Scranton branch may have been filled with shenanigans, feuds, intertwining relationships but as seen in the series finale, they all went through the documentary together – as a family. Not to be a broken record, but the show came full circle – from Angela and Dwight, to Michael’s surprise appearance and That’s What She Said moment, to Jim and Pam finally getting to courage to do what they wanted- get out of the rut they were in in Scranton. In honestly couldn’t have ended any better (and if we’re speaking honestly here, I’d say it’s my number one finale in this whole list). It was so good in fact, that I still haven’t been able to get myself to watch an entire episode of The Office since – I couldn’t even make it through the first 10 seconds of this video without crying…. I might have a problem.

BONUS:

ER (1994-2009)

Alright, I admit, I’ve probably only seen 10 out of the 15 seasons of ER, give or take a few episodes throughout the last five. But come on, 15 seasons is one hell of a commitment. The cast changes, writers and executive producers come and go, but through the heart of it all, it was always about these doctors, and their relationships with their patients and each other.

Clearly the heyday of ER was towards the beginning, when Noah Wyle, Anthony Edwards, Juliana Margulies and some guy named George Clooney started off as regular folk on a medical TV drama. It was really nothing like TV had seen before, and became a critically acclaimed hit, essentially paving the way for Shondaland and Grey’s to leave its own mark on TV. And while it may have stumbled towards the end, the finale was purposefully (and wonderfully) mirrored the pilot, a full circle maneuver that I personally enjoy in any series.

For me, the most poignant part of the finale was seeing Rachel Greene, daughter of the hospital’s late Dr. Mark Greene, come back to County General in hopes to follow in the footsteps of her revered father. In the early seasons, viewers saw Rachel as a kid wandering around the ER aimlessly, but now she had a purpose. The end scene (as seen above), may not be too flashy, but it’s a reminder that even if we don’t get to see what happens in this hospital for another 15 years, it will keep on going without us.

Signature Hairstyles: The Mark Of A Bad Bitch

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There was a time when I thought I was doing everything right to be a competent, professional lady. College? A breeze. Law school? Magna Cum Laude, like a boss (well, okay, I missed summa. But I said boss, not CEO.) Real job? Take that, tough economic times. I even have a shelter dog.

But something was missing. I was tripping on my way up the corporate ladder. I aimed my slingshot at the glass ceiling, only to find it loaded with Nerf pellets. What gives?

Well, there was one power move I seriously overlooked: the signature hairstyle. Throughout history, every lady who has done anything important has had a signature ‘do. It kills me that I’ve wasted 2 years of my career with my hair any-which-length. Learn from my mistakes, and take a cue from these distinctively-coiffed ladies:

Anna Wintour

Anna Wintour, when Princess Diana was alive.

Anna Wintour, hair unchanged 16 years after Princess Diana’s death even though we all swore we’d never be the same again after that.

Anna Wintour’s bob is as precise and razor-sharp as the steel wire that encases the empty place in her chest where her heart used to be (Because hearts are for fat people. Why do you think those heart-shaped boxes are filled with chocolate candy? To make you fatter. What can happen when you get fat, whether externally or with inner fatness? Your heart ATTACKS you. All ties together).

Cher

1966 – just before shit started to get real weird out there.

Well, this is depressing.

Cher’s crazy rich. She’s absurdly famous. And she’s had the same hairdo since the mid-60s. I think she owes her success, in part, to the signature ‘do. Do you think she’d have the same panache with a nice shoulder-length cut with some bangs? You know all that hair can’t be real. At this point she should just start a hair extension company, name it Gypsies, Tramps and Weaves, and be done with it.

Little Edie Beale

I know the theme of the list is successful ladies who have signature ‘dos, and I’d say that Edie fits the bill. If slowly decaying inside of a decrepit mansion surrounded by lots of cats doesn’t sound like your idea of “making it,” just remember that Edie was such a staunch character that she carried a documentary and inspired a telefilm and a musical. Plus, she looked oddly beautiful doing it. So you know what? I think this WOULD be the best costume for the day.

Susan B. Anthony

The B stands for “Badass.” Or possibly “Bun,” because she wore one every day – ending with when she died and starting, I picture, with birth. Suze here reminds us that when you’re really committed to a cause, maybe the best thing is to pick a hairstyle and then never waste your energy thinking about it again. Also that if you work really hard for something, and commit 40 or so years to it, then maybe a few decades after you die it’ll happen!

(Screw that; I’m not even patient enough to ever let my microwave timer run all the way down.)

Diana RossTo paraphrase Mean Girls, we all know why Diana Ross’s hair is so big – it’s full of secrets. As in, the secrets to success. If you look at old pictures of Ms. Ross, it almost seems like every year her hair gets bigger and bigger. It’s like it absorbs the love of her supporters and the scorn of her detractors, so that none of it gets to Diana.

Mary, Mother Of God

Look. I’m not trying to get into one of those “mommy wars” where we debate whether raising children is a job. I don’t need to. When, for 33 years, your full-time business was raising God – changing God’s diapers, sitting through God’s Little League banquets, silently judging God’s date to the Freshman Formal – I’m calling it: it’s a job. Mary is also the only person on our list whose ‘do is actually iconic. Like, in the literal sense: she appears on a bunch of religious icons. While not a “hair” do in the traditional sense, always styling your hair underneath the same long veil is a hair statement, and the gal never wavered.

Barbara Walters

Babs, 1975

Babs, present day.

Think of a classic wardrobe staple – let’s say, a blue blazer. In any time in recent history, you could have worn a blue blazer and looked legit. Sure, in the 70s the lapel would have been bigger, and in the 90s it would have been a boxier cut, but it’s still a blue blazer.

That’s Barbara Walters’ hair. There have been some variations on the theme through the decades, but if you scalped Barbara Walters and put her hair on a mannequin -whether in 1975 or 1992 or 2013 – you’d see it and say “yep, someone scalped Barbara Walters, I guess. And this is her hair.”

Sarah Palin

Hair as tall, shining and majestic as the peaks of Denali.

I don’t care what your politics are, you have to admit that this is some power hair. The biggest boon to Palin’s run for national office -and, possibly, the biggest drawback – was hair so distinctive that you could dress as her for Halloween without really trying very hard.

Whoopi Goldberg

If we have two panel members from The View on this list, it’s only because getting paid to sit in a semi-circle and talk over people is the true meaning of “having it all.” The last time I sat around every morning with my peers talking about the events of the day, I was in kindergarten, and I wasn’t getting paid for it. It was called Circle Time. Anyway, Goldberg is so known by her unwavering, tidy dreadlocks that when you see her with straightened, loose hair in Sister Act, it’s kind of unnerving.

Marie Antoinette

Ya know … maybe if people are about to behead you you shouldn’t make your head look so damn showy.

While I painstakingly catalog every premature gray on my head, Marie Antoinette was powdering her entire enormous wig. She knew what the rest of us haven’t figured out: Gray hair has gravitas. It has dignity. It has flair. It… will not keep the proletariat from chopping your head off. So remember, while you’re cultivating your signature ‘do, don’t neglect the little people – or the little people might kill you.

Louise Brooks (Counter-Example)

Louise Brooks, in her heyday.

Louise Brooks, in her dotage.

Louise Brooks had THE iconic bob in the 20s. She was also the toast of Hollywood. Then in old age, she grew her hair long and ditched the bangs. Result? She died in our hometown of Rochester, NY. See, that’s what happens when grow out your signature hairstyle. You become a reverse Samson, losing your power because you stop cutting your hair.

Playlist of the Month: Songs by High Schoolers

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It’s back to school time for all you kids out there! However, the last September that we headed back to high school, Mean Girls was in production and I was the first person I knew to go back to school with side bangs.

So, it was a while ago. And while our memory of high school isn’t as crisp as it used to be, we can be sure that we were not internationally-known recording artists. As if we didn’t feel old enough during this, the Tenth Anniversary Of Our Last First Day Of High School, here is a playlist comprised entirely of tracks by young artists who were still in high school at the time of recording.

Check out the entire playlist on Spotify!

Traci’s Picks

Name: Lorde
Song: Royals
Age of release: 16

If it seems like Lorde came out of nowhere, she did. New Zealand to be more exact. She released this song in her home country back in March, and months later, US stations began picking it up and now here we are. I can’t believe how great of an artist she is and how her voice is so unique and distinct. If you like this song, check out her new one, Team.

Name: Birdy
Song: Skinny Love
Age of release: 14

I feel like Birdy was hoping to be what Lorde is becoming now. A teenager from England, she covered this Bon Iver song and blew up shortly thereafter. She also earned her first Grammy nomination thanks to her awesome song with Grammy darlings Mumford and Sons, Learn Me Right, from the Brave soundtrack.

Name: Aaliyah
Song: Back and Forth
Age of release: 14

Despite the fact that R. Kelly was the first one to mentor her in the music industry and they were rumored to be dating, Aaliyah and R. Kelly made a classic 90s R&B song that kicked off her too short of a career. I don’t think anyone’s really been able to create the same magic since her, and this was the song that started it all.

Name: Destiny’s Child
Song: Say My Name
Age of release: 18 (all 4 members were 18!)

Listen, guys. Say My Name is probably my all time favorite DC3 song. And to think that if we went to the same high school, I’d be looking up to them as they were Seniors, being all cool and making hit songs and shit. Seniors in high school don’t make classic records like Writing’s on the Wall – they are too focused on getting into college and acting like the own the school and stuff. I guess Beyonce & co. owned pop music at the time, really.

Name: Michael Jackson
Song: Ben
Age of release: 14

Oh Michael. Little black Michael. Ben was the first song he recorded as a solo artist, but was still in Jackson 5 at the time of the release. It was the title song for the 1972 movie of the same name, and even though it’s essentially about a rat, it’s still a good song. Just forget about the rat part.

Molly’s Picks

Name: Jake Bugg
Age of release: 18
Song: Lightning Bolt

Back in June, I almost put Lorde on our summer playlist. Then I thought “I don’t know, this song has been out for a while. It’s  great… but it’s probably on the way down.” That song? Royals. Clearly I don’t know anything. So take this with a grain of salt: I think this kid is really good and might be going places.

Name: Brandy and Monica
Song: The Boy Is Mine
Age of release: 19 (Brandy), 17 (Monica)

Everything about this is awesome. In an awful way. Who could forget the probably fake drama that was concocted between the teen singers?  While not a technically good song, The Boy Is Mine is fun because it seldom comes up alongside the other cheesy 90s R&B tunes, so it’s always a fun surprise when you hear it. It’ll make you want to wear tims and head-to-toe Tommy Hilfiger like you wanted to in the late 90s.

Name: Hilary Duff
Song: Come Clean
Age of release: 16

I’m really embarrassed by how long it took me to choose between Come Clean and So Yesterday. Feel free to include both on your next Playlist Of (no) Shame.

Name: LL Cool J
Song: Rock The Bells
Age of release: 17

Before LL Cool J was a man with a hardworking publicist… before he guest-rapped on a track about a skinhead having a conversation about race in America with his barista… before he was the tough yet dad-ish agent on NCIS, LL Cool J was a teen rap phenom.

Name: Laura Marling
Song: New Romantic
Age of release: 17

Even when she was 16-17, Laura Marling was writing wonderfully clever lyrics. The difference is that in those first years some of her music had more of a Lily Allen, Kate Nash vibe than it does now. This and Ghosts were released around the same time and it was almost as hard as choosing between So Yesterday and Come Clean.

Celebs Who Are About To Get Killed By Their Exotic Pets

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One of the earliest lessons of childhood is that certain animals don’t belong in your house. This message was reinforced everywhere. In the American Girl books, Kirsten’s house got destroyed because she brought a baby raccoon inside and he went HAM and burned their house down using his tail as a tiny torch of destruction. Children’s books teach lessons, and I guess the American Girl company thought that “don’t bring weird-ass animals into your house” was still a relevant one in the early 90s. In that one Full House episode, Danny’s heretofore-unheard of sister showed up with her monkey and it got lost. There are even real-life community standards against owning odd-as-shit animals:  the family on my street with the ferrets were treated to open scorn, because ferrets were illegal in our parts. Besides, those animals were little weaselly assholes.

Despite these lessons, some people just don’t get it. Remember a few years ago when that guy owned a menagerie and he set them free and they all got shot? Or that woman whose face got mauled off by her friend’s chimp? Sure, she got a face transplant, and I’d say all’s well that ends well, but there’s somebody else’s FACE on her FACE now and I’m not ready to act like that’s okay.

Here are some famous pet owners who should know better. But since they don’t, I’m here to tell them: you’re bouts to get killed by your exotic pet.

Mike Tyson: You’re Bouts To Get Killed By That Tiger

Recently Mike Tyson got head butted by his pet tiger. The cork at the top of this champagne problem? It knocked the gold teeth right out of Tyson’s mouth. Still, the fighter has reported that he sleeps with his tiger, answering the question posed by the 90s tv movie “Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?” with a resounding YES.

Kristen Stewart: You’re Bouts To Get Killed By That Half Dog/ Half Wolf

The only surprising thing about Kristen Stewart owning a dog/wolf hybrid is that I can’t imagine Kristen Stewart caring enough to go out and buy a dog/wolf hybrid. I sort of picture her out on her porch smoking weed with a dog/wolf watching her longingly from the side of her yard. She turns to go in and the dog/wolf is at her heels. Stewart looks at the dog/wolf, shrugs, and lets him in behind her. They live apathetically ever after. Until he freaking KILLS her because that is a WOLF Kristen. It’s a wolf. And in real life, wolves don’t turn into handsome muscular teenage boys. They turn into a thing that is eating your still-living flesh.

Justin Bieber: You’re Bouts To Get Killed By That Capuchin Monkey

Justin Bieber bought a Capuchin monkey, abandoned it in Germany, then was ordered by the nation of Germany to pay monkey support. If there’s one country that I would NOT want to get into a child support relationship with, it’s Germany. They’re stern. That, or one of those countries that people always parental-kidnap their children to. Now Bieber’s monkey is a stern German, too. Plus monkeys are crazy. Watch your back in Berlin, Biebs. That Capuchin monkey is going to revenge kill you.

Nicolas Cage: You’re Bouts To Get Killed By That Octopus

Octopuses are kind of cute. Until they squirt ink in your eye and strangle you with their tentacles. Before you know it, the last thing you see before you die is the undercarriage of an octopus. And the only time that should be the last thing you see is if you’re an old, married octopus having an affair with a young female octopus and you have a heart attack during octopus sex and that’s how you die.

Melanie Griffith and Tippi Hedren From The Past: You’re Bouts To Get Killed By That Lion

In the Wizard of Oz, there’s a good reason that the song didn’t go “Lions and Tigers and Bears, You Know, Those Would Be Fun To Have Live In My House With Me.” The Griffith-Hedren clan loved a good lion photo op. Lions in bed with the child! Lions roaring at us in the pool! Lions taking up too much space on the kitchen floor as the maid gets juice from the fridge! Only by the grace of God was the final photo op not “Lions Eating All Of Us With Their Enormous Bone-Crushing Jaws.”

Tracy Morgan: You’re Bouts To Get Killed By Those Sharks

I saw that movie Soul Surfer. It made getting your limb torn off by a shark seem normal, inspirational even. But I ALSO saw that movie Sharknado, so I know that Sharks could kill you – and the fact that sharks live in water, and you’re on land, doesn’t help you. Some day, that tank is going to break and then Tracy Morgan is bouts to get killed by that shark.

Michael Jackson From The Past: You’re Bouts To Get Killed By That Chimpanzee

It’s all fun and games until a chimp eats your face and you have to raze all of your original facial features and rebuild them and regrow your skin in goodness knows what color. Actually, you know what? Never mind. As you were, Mr. Jackson.

Vanilla Ice: You’re Bouts To Get Killed By That Wallaroo

A wallaby/kangaroo hybrid sounds like a really cute pet, right? Especially when you name him Bucky Buckaroo, like Vanilla Ice did. But you know how you get a little nervous when a large, friendly dog jumps up on a tiny person because it could knock them over? Imagine if instead of a large, friendly dog the jumping animal was a mutant kangaroo. Vanilla Ice, you’re bouts to suffer extensive head trauma when that wallaroo knocks you over.

Audrey Hepburn From The Past: You’re Bouts To Get Killed By That Baby Deer

Whenever I find myself looking a little TOO Etsy-and-twee, I think to myself “girl, you look like you would have a pet baby deer that you feed out of a mason jar. And that baby deer only listens to vinyl. Shit. That baby deer wears a loooot of ModCloth.” Sure, a tiny fawn seems like the perfect Manic Pixie Dream Pet. However, those of us who live in deer country know how un-cute it is to get a deer-sized dent pounded out of your car. Audrey Hepburn from the past is bouts to get into a driveway crash because of that fawn.

Steven Tyler: You’re Bouts To Get Killed By That Raccoon

Well. SOMEONE didn’t read Changes For Kirsten. Hide your oil lamps, Aerosmith.

Celebs on the Frontlines: New York Fashion Week 2013

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New York City was abuzz with fashionistas last week, as the world’s best and brightest designers gathered in the Big Apple to show off their collections for Spring 2014. A lot of eyes are on the models that walk the runways, but it was also a time for celebrities to grab a front row seat at their favorite designers’ shows and prove that they care about clothes as much as the fashion editors sitting next to them. Not to mention that front row at a Fashion Week is usually the best time to see celebs together that you normally would in the outside world. For example, this picture from the Burberry show during Paris Fashion Week 2012:

(A confused) Aaron Paul, Dita Von Teese, Harry Styles, Dev Patel and Harvey Weinstein. Or, the next Ocean’s 14.

Here’s some of the best stars that were (sometimes uncomfortably) sitting in the coveted seats and the clothes that were modeled before them.

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Alexander Wang: Terry Richardson, a girl who might be Zoe Kravitz, Kanye and Miguel

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Herve Leger: Nicki Minaj taking a selfie instead of watching the runway show…

 Photo Sep 15, 11 54 11 PM

Y-3: Tunic wearing ex-boyfriend of Selena Gomez sporting a ‘mustache’

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Richard Chai: Zachary Quinto as the fourth (actually fifth) Jonas Brother?

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Opening Ceremony: RiRi, her bff Melissa Forde, Miguel and the beautiful rule breaking moth Ann Perkins/Rashida Jones (aka the bench i would most like to sit on)

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Tadashi Shoji: The moment when a 15 year old is older than a 40-year-old Alyssa Milano

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Alicia Keys, Anna Wintour and Maria Sharpova

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Victoria Beckham: Mr. Beckham, the real princess of the UK and Anna Wintour actually showing some human emotion

All Hail The Queen: Famous People On Amy Poehler

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Happy Amy Poehler Day! In celebration of the birthday of our favorite comedienne/life guru/producer/queen, we offer a collection of things other celebrities have said about Amy. After all, the best way to know that a person is awesome is if everyone who knows them says so (but let’s be real, those opinions hold a lot more weight coming from a famous person. No offense to your non-famous friends; sure they’re great). In case you’re wondering, the second-best way is for the person to just straight-up tell everyone that they’re awesome. Or, I guess just to consistently be fantastic and see if people catch on. poehler

Let’s take this September 16 to remind ourselves to live in such a way that this is how people talk about us behind our backs:

Aziz Ansari

I have found that she is as kind and caring a person as she is hilarious. Simply put, Amy Poehler is my hero.

Vanessa Bayer (describing her first night on SNL):

Yeah, I was so emotional. I started tearing up. It was so surreal. I actually stayed on stage because I wanted to hug Amy Poehler. She was the host that week, and I wanted to thank her because she was such a wonderful person to work with. So I gave her a hug, and I can’t remember exactly what I said, but I said something like, ‘It was amazing to do my first show with you,’ and she held my hand and walked offstage with me. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that. She was so kind and generous.

Matt Besser:

These days you don’t think of Amy as a female comedian, you just think of her as a comedian, and I think that’s a plus. And she didn’t go for that whole notion that women are not treated fairly. She was just like “I’m just going to do my best and not give a shit,” and it worked. She didn’t care about being pretty and dainty on stage, or charming, or all those things you might say about a successful sitcom actress, a prototypical one. She could be weird or nasty or ugly or whatever. Those are things that guys more typically do. But really it’s what a comedian should do and that’s why she is.

Rachel Dratch (when asked about the “inordinate” amount of page space devoted to Amy Poehler in her book, Girl Walks Into A Bar):

I guess she just has a good aura. People gravitate to it. She’s very supportive and she’s got a good combo of being cool enough that she’s one of the guys, but she’s also sensitive and wise.

Tina Fey (in Bossypants, a book that was a decoy answer on Million Second Quiz this week. If you’re reading this more than 2 months in the future, maybe Google what that was. Jimmy Fallon objected to a gross bit Amy was doing and she totally shut him down):

With that exchange, a cosmic shift took place. Amy made it clear that she wasn’t there to be cute. She wasn’t there to play wives and girlfriends in the boys’ scenes. She was there to do what she wanted to do and she did not fucking care if you like it. I was so happy. Weirdly, I remember thinking, ‘My friend is here! My friend is here!’ Even though things had been going great for me at the show, with Amy there, I felt less alone.

Kathryn Hahn

It all starts with [Amy] Poehler. She’s such an incredible number one to have on a contact sheet, on a cast list. Cream just rises. She’s such a stud and such a nice person. She’s a goddess. I worshipped her before, and I worship her even more after seeing how she behaves on a set

Mamrie Hart:

I love women with balls, and Amy’s got the biggest sack swinging in Hollywood at the moment. She really doesn’t give a shit if people don’t agree with her on a subject.

Rashida Jones:

I would go gay for her. It doesn’t seem fair that I get to work with her. I love her unconditionally.

Mindy Kaling (describing the time during her brief, not-awesome guest writing gig on SNL when Amy made her come out with the other writers and actors):

But when this popular, pretty genius made this kind gesture to me? That’s the moment I started adoring Amy Poehler. She knew I was going to be a coward, and she was going to have to gently facilitate me into being social… When I said something even a little bit funny, Amy cackled warmly. (This sounds weird, but that’s the best way I know to describe Amy Poehler’s laugh: a warm, intoxicating cackle.)

Seth Meyers:

  • We started together on the same day and we just hit it off right away. On our fourth show, we did this scene called “Little Sleuths”—they were like Encyclopedia Brown solving real murders—and we thought it was going to be this big franchise and were already seeing the Little Sleuths action figures in the NBC Experience Store. It got cut from dress, like, five times and it never aired again. We always said that the one case the Little Sleuths couldn’t solve is what the fuck happened to the Little Sleuths.
  • She’s this incredible combination of warm, silly, and smart, which I think makes her such an engaging performer… There’s just no meanness to anything Poehler does. Her outlook and attitude about how to work, and how to be funny, are contagious.

Nick Offerman (referencing multiple FNL characters in a transparent and successful attempt to make me fall in love with him):

I met Amy in the early 90′s and she is like a superhero mixed with both Coach and Tammie Taylor from FNL, as well as Tim Riggins and a little Landry.

Jim O’Heir (while campaigning for Amy as Best Lead Actress In A Comedy Series):

Amy’s awesome. Yeah. You know, I guess when you get the most lines on the show, you get nominated for awards. Put another one on her shelf… How about someone saying Hey Jim, How’s it been for you, Jim? Amy’s awesome. And I’m rooting for her to get that Emmy. I hope you win… you son of a bitch.

Aubrey Plaza:

She’s already kind of my girlfriend, and I’m not saying that in a jokey way. We had a moment last year, late at night, when we decided we were gonna end up together. For now, we have to let boys come and go, but we’re kind of in love.

 Bill Poehler (Amy’s dad):

She would just jump in and succeed or fail—it wouldn’t matter. Once, in the fourth grade, the principal was on stage and he had the mike up high. Then little Amy walks across, goes up to the mike, grabs the little knob, twists it, pulls it down, and I said to myself, Oh my God, she has no stage fright whatsoever.

 Eileen Poehler (Amy’s mom):

We recently went to “Parks and Rec,” and our biggest thrill is hearing how much the crew, from the girl who cleans the trailer to the driver to the director, like working with Amy. How good she is to everyone. She’s the same girl. We’re really proud of that.

Chris Pratt:

I disagree that talented people are nice to be around. No. I’m serious. Especially when they’re number one on the call sheet. It’s the truth. Most of time when someone is really talented and they’re the top dog actor, the first name that comes up on the screen, basically, Amy’s position on this, they’re not always nice. And the fact that you are, and the fact that you made everybody feel good, and you always laugh at jokes, I’ve never seen you in a bad mood, it all rolls down hill. This whole family vibe and everyone getting along well, it comes from you. It has always come from you.

Maya Rudolph:

If you go to eat with Amy, it’s like, “Alright, let’s order. Does everybody know what they are going to get?” She’s in charge, she’s the leader, she’s like, “We’re not wasting any time, let’s do this.” And in the most loving way, I can say, she’s incredibly bossy. And I fucking love that about her. And I love the combination of the fact that she is a teeny tiny person and she’s really tough.

Retta:

Well, Mike Schur is the boss, but we call Amy our fearless leader. I think whoever the lead of the show is dictates what the set is like. Amy is always planning nights out for us. She’s just so cool, she’s not a diva. English directors when they come in want to do tons and tons of takes. And I can tell she wants to wrap it up but she just says “sure” because she wants them to be comfortable.

Andy Samberg:

Amy is beloved by all. That’s her secret move. No one doesn’t like her… I came in when Amy was kind of in the middle of her run. I would say her and Seth, maybe more than anyone, really looked out for me and took me under their wing and made sure I was doing OK.

Michael Schur:

There is exactly one thing in the entire range of acting that Amy Poehler does not do well: impressions. So we make her do them constantly.

Adam Scott

It was intimidating at first, but she’s so cool and down to earth, that it immediately went away. Still, when I’m working with her, I’m, you know, taken aback by how good she is and how hilarious she is and quick and all of that. It sounds kind of lame to say, but I do learn from her a lot, you know, when we’re working together. She would think that’s lame, but it is true that I’m kind of in awe of how great she is.

Mike Scully

Amy Poehler is the funniest person on TV, period. The fact that she’s the nicest is a bonus.

Emily Spivey

Amy’s a hero. I cannot think of anyone who’s done more, in my opinion, in front of the camera and behind the scenes for ladies than Amy. If I could make a lady comedy flag, it would have Amy Poehler’s face on it. She’s just amazing. She’s a little blond girl, but she’s gonna fucking get this done. And everyone’s in love with Amy. She has a way just making everyone- boys and girls- feel so comfortable and confident in not only what she’s doing but what they’re doing.

Taylor Swift (on Poehler’s shortcomings as a human being in general):

There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.

Casey Wilson:

Amy Poehler’s like a cheerleader—kind of like a mama bear. She wanted the other women to succeed and that’s trickled down to Kristen, and then trickled down to me. I think people want there to be some sort of feud or tension, but it’s like “Why can only one of us do well?” One time I remember we were doing a “Mad Men” sketch, and I was playing the redhead. And I had a funny bit where basically I came in and dropped off some papers, but I didn’t have a line. It wasn’t even Amy’s sketch, but she piped up and said to the writers, “Let’s give Casey a funny line when she comes in.” She didn’t have to do that.

Anne Of Green Gables 2013

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Let’s talk about Canadian television. I lived in a border city for 3 years, and spent some quality time with Canadian TV. It’s mostly made up of American shows, hockey, people talking about hockey, Tim Hortons commercials, snow – just, like, programming about snow, because Canada has so damn much of it, and people who generally look all healthy and financially secure and smug because they all have health care. Every once in a while, you get a Degrassi in there. The piece de resistance of Canadian television is the 1985 CBC adaptation of Anne of Green Gables.

As a dramatic, bookish redheaded child, I was more or less obligated to love Anne of Green Gables. If you loved her, too, you will remember a few things about her. She was an orphan who always had her head in the clouds, she was outspoken but always meant well, and — oh yeah, she lived in the 18-fucking-hundreds or something. So when I heard that Canadian TV was adapting Anne of Green Gables to a modern setting, I was a little confused. None of the plotlines even make sense in 2013. Clearly, a couple tweaks are in order. Frankly, I don’t think Tim Hortons will even sponsor this mess.

Here’s what will happen if Canada brings Anne Shirley to the new millennium:

Matthew and Marilla are the worst people ever

The entire premise of Anne of Green Gables falls apart when you move it to this millennium. In the 1908 novel by Lucy Maud Montgomery, Matthew and Marilla order a boy from the orphanage in order to help Matthew with the farm work. They end up with Anne instead. In 2013, buying children to do manual labor is pretty illegal. An 11-year-old girl going to stay with elderly siblings who live together – because they buy her to do work – wouldn’t test well with today’s audiences. I think the only thing they could do is have Anne come from some sort of foster care situation, which would work with the prejudice ol’ Rachel Lynde has against her. Still, though, the show wouldn’t work if Marilla’s this warm, fuzzy older lady who just wants to help an underprivileged girl succeed. She sort of has to be a brittle church-hag who tried to buy a little boy for chores.

Bath Salts Are The New Raspberry Cordial

Remember when Anne invited Diana over for tea, then accidentally got Diana drunk on raspberry cordial, then they weren’t allowed to be friends for a while? Most parents still wouldn’t like the kid who got their daughter drunk, but I think raspberry cordial has lost some shock value in the intervening hundred years. It even sounds like an old-timey refreshment you’d have at tea-time. Nowadays, to get the same punch Anne would have to come across bath salts, sprinkle it on some food, then be all surprised when Diana goes on a drug-induced face-eating rampage. Or, Diana would have an allergy attack and Anne would mix up Zyrtec with Xanax and get Diana all spacey. You got to admit, for such a smart girl Anne could be a little dense sometimes.

“Carrots” Isn’t Really An Insult Anymore

You’ll remember that Anne and Gilbert’s hate-to-tolerance-to-friendship-to-love trajectory began with Gilbert mockingly referring to Anne as “carrots.” In 2013, any teen girl would be like “that’s all you got, Gil?”. In the modern adaptation, instead of calling Anne carrots, Gilbert’s going to set up a Facebook page called “Anne Shirley is a Fire Crotch,” and it’s going to get 300 likes in the first day. Anne won’t smash a slate over his head, she’ll create an unflattering gif set of Gilbert and post it to her tumblr. Josie Pye likes Gil’s page, obviously, because in 2013 as in 1890, Josie Pye is a freaking bitch.

Prissy Andrews and Mr. Phillips? Hello, Sweeps Month Drama

100 years ago, the weird moon-eyes Prissy used to make over Mr. Phillips was supposed to mean that she was a horrible suck-up who would probably marry him after she graduated at 16 or whatever. In 2013, it still means that Prissy is a horrible suck-up who will probably marry Mr. Phillips when she drops out at 16 or whatever (or 18 – not sure of the law there). However, it also means that Mr. Phillips is a total pedophile, which explains why he was so damn creepy. For a 3-episode arc, Anne of Green Gables will become a legal drama as they sort this whole mess out.

Green Hair Dye: Unlikely

Hardly anyone’s given me shit about having red hair, and the dozen-ish times that it has happened it didn’t bother me. So, I don’t think that a 2013 Anne Shirley would be so distraught over her auburn locks that she’d buy hair dye from a peddler and turn it green. I’m thinking she’d be more likely to lose her hair in a knockoff keratin treatment attempt. If the producers want to have a Very Special Episode, maybe Anne could get hooked on bootleg diet drugs or get a suspicious mole excised because she’d been tanning away her redhead complexion. After 100 years, teen girls are still trying wacky things to look better, but I think that carroty hair would be the least of Anne’s concerns.

Puffed sleeves are SO 1908

Anne waited years to be old enough to wear puffed sleeves. Like many young readers, I wondered what exactly that meant but imagined it to be the most beautiful sleeve configuration possible. Then, I saw the movie, and was horrified by these sleeves that looked like they were stuffed with wadded-up shopping bags and cribbed from a 1980s bridesmaid dress. I don’t know what the modern answer to puffed sleeves would be — something that’s considered too grown-up for a young girl, and which looks absolutely ridiculous. Is it half-shirts, now that those are back?

Anne Shirley is now 45 years old

As far as I’m concerned, Megan Follows is the only Anne Shirley. Since nothing about a modern-day Anne of Green Gables makes sense, I don’t see why we need to be all accurate and have a 13-year-old in the role. Let’s just stick with Follows. There may as well be something good in this whole debacle.

Matthew doesn’t die

If we can move Anne of Green Gables to 2013, we can do anything with the story, right? So, let’s let Matthew live and spare all of the little illiterate kids that psychic trauma. Children who have read the book can just keep that development to themselves.

Battle of the Boy Bands: 90s vs. Now

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I’d like to consider myself a connoisseur of boy bands. While the height of my knowledge was reached somewhere between the years of 1998-2004, I’ve tried to keep abreast of the young artists these days and their teenybopper fans.

As a self-professed Backstreet Boys fan, I know what it’s like first hand to be in the ‘fandom’, and in just 10 years, the way boy bands and fans themselves has changed drastically. While at their core, boy bands in 2013 still aim to titilate tweens the same way they did in 2003, here are some main differences between the fans of today and the fans of yore. Also, it’s a handy guide to feel old/in the know when you talk to someone under the age of 18.

Fashion

One thing that has stayed the same throughout the years is a group’s stylist’s need to coordinate every member’s outfit with the others. For some reason, in the 90s, this meant getting the absolute most ridiculous clothes and fabrics and forcing the guys to wear them in photo shoots. Bless.

Then

You know what’s tearin’ up my heart? The fact that *Nsync is wear short sleeved lycra shirts and no one questioned Lance Bass’ sexuality from this picture alone.

“Hey girl. We know the way to your heart. Hockey. And just to cover our bases, we’re reppin five different teams. Quack Quack, baby.”

The only thing that could make this more 90s is if 98 Degrees was covered in slime. Matching red jumpsuits, sitting on a big orange couch at Nickelodeon’s The Big Help? I can smell the gak now…

Now

These days, boy bands stray away from the themed photo shoots, and go for more of a coordinated look, like One Direction.

The Wanted’s jacket, jeans, sneaks look is so much better than the lycra shirts.

By boy band rules, the Jonas Brothers are technically just a band of boys, but they’ll suffice for this post.

Girlfriends/Love Lives

Then

With the exception of this epic couple, boy band members in the 90s had to hide their relationships. Britney + Justin were the exception because they were perfect and then B had to go and ruin it with her cheating. Oh what could have been. ~*NVR 4GET*~

“When they first started out, “Managers were like, ‘Everybody’s single,'” recalls Brian Littrell. Adds Richardson’s wife Kristin: “I had to say I was his sister!” – People Magazine Interview September 2013 (Please note the source of this picture – the Angelfire page is STILL UP.)

Now

While there are still jealous girls out there screaming ‘OMFG ZAYN AND PERRIE ARE ENGAGED MY LIFE IS OFFICIALLY OVER’, I feel like there is a large majority that are “Zerrie shippers” and appreciate the 1D and Little Mix members’ love like we did with Britney and Justin.

IDK if it’s because Kevin is the least adored Jo Bro, but it seems like every fan was on board with his relationship with Danielle since it started. The two even have their own reality TV show, for goodness sake.

Dedication

Then

At the height of the 90s boy band days, the internet was a fairly new thing. Everyone’s e-mail was @AOL.com, AIM was for stalking your crush and talking to SmarterChild, and Geocities and Angelfire were web hosting sites for your favorite bands. The fact that we could even get pictures and talk to fellow fans seemed incredible, and it was our way of showing our dedication to the world.

I used to live by this site, since they updated it so frequently (like twice a day), and it legit has looked the same ever since 1998.

Now

  • Tumblr Directioners: Holy shit, a Larry Stylinson sex tape better leak soon or I will light myself on fucking fire
  • Twitter Directioners: Omg, Follow me xx I love you so much
  • Youtube Directioners: This is like the best song ever, partyin harrdd
  • Facebook Directioners: Haha oh my goodness look at this, you are like my like bff for eva Harry. Omgomg I love you sooooooooooooo muchhh :))))) lololol rofl

Today’s kids turn to all forms of social media, and I feel like it’s reached a whole new level of obsession. Because you can now reach out to your idol – and even possibly get a reply – fans think they form this bond with the celebrities, which ultimately makes them even more devoted and obsessed. I was going to find examples on Twitter and Tumblr, but honestly, it’s a scary, scary place, and I want no part of that.

Rivalries

Pop Quiz:

BSB : *NSync :: One Direction : ???

Then

I admit, I was totally a *Nsync hater – or as I used to call them, *NSTINK. My “hatred” for them ran deep. So much so that I refused to listen to their songs (save for like maybe 5 of their hits). I’ve probably only heard Bye Bye Bye all the way through less than 10 times in my life. One time in dance class, my teacher put on the new *Nsync cd during warmup and I was SO pissed. Like so mad that my teacher could tell that I wasn’t happy about it, and continued to remind me of it until the day I graduated high school. Get a grip.

But the more I think about it, it was never because I hated the group itself. In fact I agree that they were good singers, were probably the better dancers of the two groups, and of course, like any grown ass woman, my love runs deep for Justin Timberlake. My hatred for ‘*NSTINK’ was for their fans. I loathed the annoying way that they always thought BSB sucked and *Nsync was better – and they wanted to prove it. Constantly. I’m sure you can say the same for BSB fans, but obviously I’m picking sides here. And as an adult, I think we can all recognize that it was totally spurred on by the media. If that one journalist didn’t pit the two bands together, there probably wouldn’t be an entire generation of girls who judge each other in their 20s by which boy band they liked better.

The best example of the fan rivalry is in the video clip from TRL below. I remember watching this live, and being so pissed off at the *Nsync team that I was almost as mad as Tiffany. Creeper alert: I somehow got a hold of Tiffany’s AOL SN and stalked her on AIM, in awe of her BSB dedication.


Now

I suppose the correct answer to the analogy above is Justin Bieber. Which might not make complete sense, since he’s not a boy band. Today’s kids are more fandom vs. fandom, rather boy band vs. boy band (or artist in this case). And since kids don’t have the luxury of having TRL, they take to social media yet again, specifically on Twitter. Case in point:

The second thing you need to know is that Directioners don’t like Beliebers. The conflict began (where else?) on Twitter. “The Beliebers trended #HitDirectionersWithAShovelDay” for no reason explains Holly, a 16-year-old 1D fan from Chicago. She says the war has raged on ever since. “When they won at the TCAs instead of Justin Beiber, they started making fun of Harry’s acne. They’re just trying to make us angry.” {x}

Of course Biebs had to say something to stop the madness and the the constant Twitter trends, but that didn’t really stop the fans from being cray online…

 

So whose side are you on? BSB or *Nsync? One Direction or Justin Bieber? Do you even care? Do you just want to reclaim your youth now? Yeah, probably the latter.

Puberty Education & You (Or: Hey, Where’s That Belt Supposed To Go?)

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Lists by

The past few weeks, a video of an adorable preteen distributing tampons at sleepaway camp has been making the internet rounds. It’s..um… cuter than it sounds. Here:

This got me thinking of the educational materials my generation and before grew up on. Kids these days don’t know how good they have it:

The Pancake Video

This isn’t available online, but it is carved into my brain tissue forevermore. The year was 1996. Alanis Morisette was on the radio, and half of the heads in America were sporting “The Rachel.” It was a simpler time, until… until the permission slip came home informing our parents that the girls would be watching “the video” in school. You know. THAT video.

Unlike the other 9-year-old girls, I didn’t have to go through the embarrassing show of presenting my mom with the permission slip – because my mom was the fourth grade science teacher. Yes, my mom was going to teach all of my friends about “becoming a woman.” More accurately, my mom was going to teach half of my friends about becoming a woman, because the boys got to play outside during all this. I could hear the carefree sounds of childhood out the window as the boys organized a kickball game, and my fourth grade social world crumbled around me. So you see, there’s no way I could forget this freaking video.

The premise is this: a diverse group of tweenage girls is having a campout in someone’s backyard. One of the girls gets her period, because if these videos teach you one thing, it’s that this shit always happens on some kind of a campout. So the girls trudge in, and the helpful Generic 90s Mom decides to teach them about what is happening to this child. Apparently their school didn’t have fine videos like this one, nor did it have That One Girl On The Bus Who Knows All This Stuff.

Anyway, you know what a bunch of pubescent girls need in the morning, as much as anatomical advice? BREAKFAST! Lucky for them – nay, lucky for US – Generic 90s Mom is a multi-tasker. She mixed up some batter, fired up the griddle, and got to work on some falopian tube pancakes. It was like those awesome Mickey pancakes you get at Disney, except actually horrifying and with the syrup probably representing uterine lining. You know at least one of those girls grew up to be one of those wackos who eats her placenta, and this Breakfast From Epcot Hell is why.

When the video ended, my mom fielded questions. Just what every tween wants — her mom talking about her Blue Water Time in front of all of her classmates. Still, at least she didn’t make a menarche-themed breakfast to illustrate the point.

Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret

Either we weren’t paying attention to that video in fourth grade, or we were too busy being traumatized to actually take in any of the information, but in fifth grade this book started making the rounds and it’s like it was totally new information. I blame Judy Blume for my entire generation being like “wait… I thought there was supposed to be some kind of belt?” Either way, I learned more from this book than any of those school vids.

No, Just Kidding, This Is Really Epcot Hell

If you were educated in the old school, maybe you got this instead of the pancake video. For a Disney vid, it really needs more talking animals.

The Most ’50s Thing You’ll Ever See, Ever


This is probably what my mom watched in school, presuming Catholic schools in the 50s didn’t just tell you that it was the devil giving you a papercut or something. Jeez… is THIS why she named me Molly? Of course this bitch is named Molly.

Sample Dialogue: “Peggy, I can’t go swimming, you know I’ve got the curse!”

By the by, these 40s and 50s vids are reallll concerned about you possibly catching a cold, which evidently does something to your uterus. Freezes it?

Here, This Flapper Gets Most Of It Right

Image links to the full brochure.

Image links to the full brochure.

And THIS is what my grandmothers probably got in school, in the pre-video age. The pamphlet suggests leaving this, one of those damn belts, and maybe some money for later therapy on your kid’s pillow when you know she’ll be alone. It’s like the Ding Dong Ditch version of parenting. Drop the sanitary belt and run!

Just Watch The Supercut


Supercuts: not just for disappointing but economical haircuts anymore.

Do You Like Infomercials? Have We Got The Solution For You!

Posted in Lists, Miscellany by

The other night I was up late watching TV Guide Network (now called TVGN to be cooler), and I believe it was around the 2am mark when it turned from normal programming to official “late night” programming. AKA the time when all the infomercials come out to play.

Because I was only half paying attention to what was on my TV, I kept it on, and I’m so glad I did because I was introduced to so many items I never knew existed or never thought needed to be invented in the first place. But because they were so many that I watched in succession, I never thought about how every commercial was the same until now.

Basically all these companies use the same exact template to create the perfect infomercial, and every single time we get sucked into them. All you really need to do is fellow five easy steps and you too can make thousands of dollars from a ridiculous overpriced item.

1) Pose a Question

Do you have trouble sleeping at night? Can you never find your car keys in your purse? Tired of burning your hands on a hot plate? Are you extremely gullible when it comes to 3am advertisements?

These questions are posed right at the beginning of the commercial, such as the above for Pajama Jeans in the first 6 seconds. Perhaps this is a way to engage the customer as soon as the advertisement starts – like ‘hey, you on the couch! I’m going to get your attention by guessing an everyday struggle in your life!’ Why yes, Billy Mays (RIP), I do spill wine on my white carpet a lot, how did you know?? Oh maybe because if you’re constantly drinking red wine and spilling it in the middle of a night, you might be an alcoholic an have bigger problems than any stain remover can fix – but he’ll try.

2) Give an over exaggerated Example

If your target demographic answers ‘yes’ to your questions, they’ll keep watching once they see a black and white (or sepia) toned shot of someone, much like the jamoke sitting at home, giving an example of said problem. For the Pasta N’ More product, this suburbian mom just doesn’t have enough hands to hold all her items to make pasta. PASTA. As in a pot, water, and pasta. And when did she get all those items? There’s absolutely nothing in her kitchen!

3) Describe the item you’re selling

Alright, folks. Here’s our chance to lure them in with your new product – which is usually just a reimagined or improved version of something that already exists. Like the Air Curler – which is a replacement for those pesky curling irons you always burn your hands on. Also make sure that it looks super easy, and that even the dumbest of dumbs can make it work with ease. Because the Air Curler looks not dangerous at all.

4) “Customer” Reviews
Unlike the Magic Bullet commercial which is approx 30 minutes long and plays like a really bad sitcom about a group of adults the day after a swingers/key party, a lot of these ads feature people who swear by the item and how it changed their lives. Like how the Chillow impacted Robin P’s sleeping habits (at :50) so much that she doesn’t have migraines anymore! Who knew a cool pillow pad could be a medical marvel!

5) BUT WAIT!
Alright, enough, enough, just get to the chase and give your customer the price. BUT THEN SWEETEN THE DEAL BY TELLING THEM THERE’S MORE! Keyphrase to use here is: BUT WAIT! Basically, just throw in an extra Chip Wizard (as seen in 1:30 of the following vid), because you know it doesn’t cost $19.95 to make one, it’s more like $5 each. And that’s when you add an additional item that’s related, like the salsa maker, so the viewer feels like they’re really getting their money’s worth.

Alright, you got it? Now you can make the perfect infomercial.

Like this one featuring Joey Tribbiani:

Or this one for paper towels!