With three (soon to be four) SNL cast members not returning this fall, Lorne and co. is on the hunt for the next big sketch comedians. A few names have been released, but most importantly among them is Mike O’Brien – or as he’s being listed now, Michael Patrick O’Brien. Irish much? Mike/Michael has been a part of SNL since 2009, when he audition to be a player on the show, but was ultimately hired to be a writer. Seems like Lorne is changing his mind and putting Mike in the forefront just like he did Tina Fey. So if you’re not already, let’s get acquainted with this guy.
Don’t know who Mike/Michael is? Maybe if you’ve got a keen eye, you’ve seen him on SNL before:
Or you might know him as the guy who hangs out with celebrities in closets and tries to make out with them in the hilarious web series, 7 Minutes in Heaven. He started in 2011, and it’s slowly become popular over the years. He’s interviewed everyone from Ellen DeGeneres to Patricia Clarkson to a Juggalo from the Insane Clown Posse. Here are just a few to get you pumped up for his (reported) debut as a featured player on SNL this September. And yes, kissing is involved…
Kristen Wiig
In another life, Kristen Wiig makes soup in California.
Amy Poehler
Honestly, some of Amy’s best hat work she’s ever done.
Jason Sudeikis
Jason was Mike’s office buddy at SNL (bc NBC can’t afford to give EVERY cast member & writer their own office), and it looks like that they proved the unimaginable – they got even closer than ever before.
Ellen DeGeneres
Still can’t believe Ellen agreed to do this.
Jack McBrayer
In another world, Jack McBrayer and Mike O’Brien are brothers. In this world they’re two guys who awkwardly kiss in a closet.
John Hamm
Ron Draper is Dick Whitman’s alter ego.
Seth Meyers
In which Mike quizzes Seth in alllll the movies he’s been in and his lines in the said movies.
Missed the VMAs yesterday? Don’t worry, because I got you covered. And it’s probably for the best because there was a good amount of people on the red carpet that I had absolutely NO IDEA who they were. I am old.
Also, before I go into the top moments from the show, can I just share something that’s annoyed me since I started watching this awards show back in the day? WHY is it called the VMAs – as in Video Music Awards? Shouldn’t it be MVAs – Music Video Awards?? Someone from MTV get back to me on that.
Anyways, the storied “VMAs” headed back to NYC and for the first time were held in Brooklyn at Barclay’s Center – aka the place where Jay Z’s basketball team plays. To me, MTV goes hand in hand with New York, probably because of the TRL days, so it’s great that the show was back in the Big Apple.
People are probably going to be talking about things that happened during the show, so here’s a breakdown of the things that went down on Sunday so you can talk to your 20-year-old co-worker/intern about what happened…
5) Amen! Hallelujah! Praise Yeezus
^click for video^
Kanye is on hand (without North or Kimmy K) to sing Blood on the Leaves. He starts off with a red light on his face as he raps into a mic, and then pans out to show just his shadow against this background, and it’s actually really great. Just him performing without all the extra shit. If anyone saw him on Kris Jenner’s show on Friday, he talked about how he went to art school, had three scholarships, and considers himself an artist above anything else. This performance just proved it.
So the very first award of the night is for Best Pop Video. Presenting is One Direction, and among the nominees is Selena Gomez. If you haven’t put it together yet, Selena is BFF with Taylor (hence them sitting next to each other) and Taylor used to “date” Harry in 1D (the most famous one with the brown shaggy hair). As 1D was talking, the cameras went to Taylor and Selena, and Taylor said this:
You first.
Selena incidentally won the award, and politely kissed Harry on the cheek.
Later, Taylor won the award for Best Female Video, and said this during her speech:
When winning Best Female Video, Taylor says, “I want to thank the person who inspired this song – who knows exactly who he is – because now I got one of these.”… CUT TO HARRY STYLES LOOKING AWKWARD.
TAYLOR YOU ARE 23 YEARS OLD. GET IT TOGETHER. Even Selena’s over your complaining – look at her face. You always make it look like you’re the victim, but here you are standing in front of the world practically bullying your ex-boyfriend. Just a simple ‘thank you’ would have been sufficient. The girl really needs to learn the art of letting go…
3) Lady Gaga out Gagas Gaga
Gaga opens the show and the very first sight you see of the MTV VMAs is this:
And then this:
Okay Stefani, you look creepy even for Lady Gaga standards. You look like an extra on a kids’ daytime show like the Teletubbies or something. But if you’re not disturbing by that sort of thing, watch the whole performance.
Oddness aside, I appreciated the fact she kicked off her performance by singing without overproduced beats in the background and just showcasing her voice. But then she broke out into Applause. Through a series of quick on stage costume changes she kind of goes through her discography from Poker Face to Telephone and finally to Artpop. Also all her dancers look like Mike Myers’ Sprockets sketch from SNL.
PS: Another reason to love Gaga despite her odditties – when One Direction won for Song of the Summer, apparently people were booing, and she was not okay with it. She even told the boys themselves.
2) Miley Cyrus twerks with Robin Thicke
click on image for the performance that will damage your brain
First off Vanessa Bayer shows up with her Miley Cyrus impression and it’s the best thing to happen so far (you know, like 20 mintues in). If you wanted more Miley twerking besides that one video of her in a onesie, here it is. Miley’s been toting around this huge stuff bear Boo (like the one in the video), and now the entire stage is filled with bears. Miley breaks out into We Can’t Stop in her furry swimsuit and her mohawk pulled into tiny buns like Gwen Stefani during the Tragic Kingdom days.
Incidentally, this was at the VMAs in 1998
And then she sheds the furry thing off to reveal a bathing nude bikini akin to the girls in the Blurred Lines video, and she begins to twerk on Robin Thicke while they duet on his song. I am uncomfortable, mainly because Hannah Montana should be wearing more clothes and not humping a married man that maybe could be her dad. If Liam hasn’t broken up with her yet, he should now.
But really, the audience reactions were the best. And they were more or less the same.
if your eyes haven’t burned out yet…
Drake bobbin his head, but not being able to actually look at her out of longterm damage
Second hand embarrassment from 1D and high as a kite Rihanna barely understanding what’s happening and if Miley is stealing her moves
Jaden’s face is usually like that, but entirely appropriate for this occasion…
1) Justin Timberlake proves he’s meant to be a solo artist aka *NSYNC reunites
look into JT’s eyes & click the pic for video!
First off, my boy Jimmy Fallon is (fittingly) giving this award to JT. We start off in the lobby and it looks like a love lip dub – and ironically similar to the opening number Jimmy did at the Emmys a few years ago. Basically I just want a posse of dancers to follow me everywhere I go. He then goes into an epic medley of his greatest hits and it is amazing. I had the chance to go to the Legends of Summer tour at Fenway Park in Boston a couple weeks ago, and it was seriously the best concert I’ve ever been to. I think sometimes we forget that JT has so many hits until he sings them in succession and you end up knowing every single word to all his songs. That’s a legend right there. At the VMAs, he spent a minute or two cover a bunch of his hits, making each one seem like its own mini concert.
And then came *NSYNC. Too bad they couldn’t keep that a secret, because it would have been awesome to be surprised when these four other guys joined him on stage. But I get it – they wanted to make sure they got the *NSYNC fans to watch – slash any viewers they could get. Speaking as a Backstreet Boys fan, I even felt like they could’ve been up there longer. But as my friend Meghan (a *NSYNC fan) said, ‘Pretend you hadn’t seen BSB for 10 years. That 90 seconds was well worth it.’ So I suppose the 90 seconds was better than nothing. But at least they came out singing songs I actually liked (Gone, Girlfriend). Chris proved that he should’ve been training for this reunion since the day they broke up because boy needed to keep up with the rest of the group (also, apparently Chris’ trap door failed…). And what was with JC sneaking in a riff at the end? But since JT wasn’t done, the four others went back on their platforms, and slowly descended back down into the pit of being in Justin Timberlake’s shadow.
JT continues his 20 minute medley and the cameras keep showing Taylor Swift singing and dancing in the audience. Okay, so at the Grammys and the CMAs (or country like awards show) they kept doing the same thing and showed TSwift awkwardly dancing. THIS IS A FORMAL PETITION TO START BANNING HER FROM DANCING AT ALL AWARDS SHOWS. NAY, THIS IS A PETITION TO STOP ALL PRODUCERS OF AWARDS SHOWS FROM SHOWING HER IN THE AUDIENCE EVER. I WANT TO SEE AS MUCH JT AS POSSIBLE. GOOD DAY SIR.
Finally it comes to an end and Jim Jam comes back on the stage hyped as ever and legit going to lose his voice from pumping up JT so much. Worth it. Bros ❤ JT is as humble as ever, even thanks his boys of *NSYNC for being the reason why he was up there in the first place. “I don’t deserve this ward but i’m not gonna give it back” Fair.
Honorable Mentions
– Macklemore and Ryan Lewis promote equality with Mary Lambert and Jennifer Hudson. Those harmonies between the ladies tho.
– Katy Perry roars under the Brooklyn Bridge. NGL, I love that song. I felt like I could wrestle a lion after that.
– A collective ‘Who da fuck is that??’ from all the millennials who were tuning in to see the *NSYNC reunion.
If you listen to the radio at all, you’re familiar with a bunch of pop songs that are played way too much. And by too much, I mean played at all. For every good pop/guilty pleasure song, there’s another tune that doesn’t deserve to be put on repeat in cars or boom boxes across the country.
Here are a few of our picks for songs that should not be played as much as they are – so we’re just going to tell you about them so you can listen to them even more.
We Are Never Getting Back Together by Taylor Swift
I think I’ve made it pretty clear that I strongly dislike Taylor Swift. So is it any surprise that she would be on my list? As I’ve stated previously, she does make catchy tunes (see: the time I listened to Trouble while singing outloud and shaking my head in shame). However while many point to her outstanding lyrical skills, I don’t think you can qualify this track for ‘Song of the Year’ at the Grammys. For any TSwift superfans that may be reading this in outrage, I’ll point out that this song earned her a ‘Record of the Year’ nom – which is the award for overall production of the track. ‘Song of the Year’ is reserved for the best song in both overall quality and LYRICS. Anyways, I just can’t get behind a track that has the phrase “We are never ever ever ever getting back together… Like, ever.”
Bubble Butt by Major Lazer
Call me crazy, but I am usually not a fan of songs that repeat the same two words over and over again for about 90% of the time, and not to mention, the song is about big booties on women.
In related news, this is the most disturbing video I’ve ever seen. I honestly can’t tell you why I watched all of it, either.
Stupid Hoe by Nicki Minaj
Nicki. I defended you when Super Bass came out, because that song was my JAM. However, this is not. The first two notes irk me so much and then she goes for that long ass “note” about 30 seconds in and I want to stab myself in the eye with some BARBed wire. GET IT???
Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey
Here’s the problem, Lana Del Rey: you are WAY too depressing for me. Every time I listen to one of your songs I feel like I need to take a Prozac after it. The words Summertime and Sadness shouldn’t even be in the same sentence. AND there’s also a remix dance version that’s being played on the radio and it’s still not peppy enough for me to dance around in the club to it. Not that I even dance in clubs anymore.
Gentleman by Psy
The thing about Psy is… he should have been a one hit wonder. I get why Gangnam Style swept the world. He was a brand new artist from Korea – which besides the cult of K-POP, has not been mainstream in America. You have to hand it to the guy. Create a viral video with a song that only people who speak Korean can understand, and create a stupid dance, and you become a worldwide sensation.
But how did he manage to get a second song so popular? The video has over 500 million views and has broke some kind of YouTube record. Society, you have no one to blame but yourselves. Also, I suggest you watch the video with the sound off, and then ask yourself the question: WHY IS THIS FOOL POPULAR??
Molly’s picks
22 by Taylor Swift
Congratulations, Taylor. You’re 22. That’s great for you, but can you stop being so showy about it? The only thing you’ve done to earn your relative youth is not dying for 22 years. Time passes all too quickly, and in a blink of an eye you’ll be 27, wondering how it could possibly be fun to dress up like hipsters and make fun of your exes when you can dress up in business casual and internet-stalk your ex’s The Knot profile, instead. From there, it’s just one foot in front of the other until the grave. So, enjoy 22, Tay!
What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction
My main issue with this is the logical fallacy. Not knowing she’s beautiful is what makes this girl beautiful, so then the One Directions go and TELL her which I think makes her ugly by the end. Also, I’m pretty sure that if you’re beautiful, you know it. Because people will tell you – like, for instance, One Direction. If you have been waiting forever for a pop tune about a girl with body dysmorphic disorder who eventually gets made ugly by a flock of little British boys, you probably like this song.
Redneck Crazy by Tyler Farr
This summer there was a lot of outrage about Blurred Lines, and I was like “guys, can we please get mad about Redneck Crazy instead, because it’s way worse and also I think Robin Thicke is really appealing?” This song is narrated by a man who was cheated on, so he drives his car to her front lawn, drinks on the hood of his car, shines his headlights through her windows, throws beer cans at her shadows, and is the kind of man “that shows up at your house at 3am.” The last part is the worst. I hate when people use “that” instead of “who.”
Crazy Kids – Ke$ha
All of Ke$ha’s songs sound the same, and she always looks like she slept in garbage then threw glitter at herself. I don’t feel bad for saying that because I think it’s on purpose. Also, I hate that she styles her name with a dollar sign in the middle because typing shift+4 really slows down my typing. This one’s awful because of that part where she whispers “we are the crazy people” and sounds like a pop star from a bad dream — only we’re all far too awake.
Radioactive – Imagine Dragons
There’s nothing exactly wrong with this, I’m just sick of it. It sounds like it was recorded to play in one of those dark indoor roller coasters. The band name “Imagine Dragons” sounds like the fake band of three 8-year-old boys who are really into Lego.
The phrase “diet foods” is really a misnomer, and we all know it. These aren’t foods that you eat while trying to lose weight — at least, not for everybody. Instead, these are lower-calorie approximations of real foods. In college, finding these foods was like a hobby. It was probably the only hobby I’ve had that was even a little useful, actually. Considering a typical college Saturday would find me getting a diner breakfast sandwich at noon, snacking on Goldfish crackers while watching afternoon tv, getting Chinese for dinner, drinking until 2 a.m., then getting pizza and garlic knots — well, a few aspartame-laden cancer puddings probably offset things. Having the rapid-fire metabolism of a 19-year-old didn’t hurt, either.
So, yeah, diet foods are not really foods for being on a “diet.” And — well — they’re not really foods in the traditional sense. They’re factory produced food-equivalents. These are the worst of them:
Shirataki Noodles
One of my friends used to go to this website where they’d give you low-cal approximations of actual foods. Instead of pasta, they recommended these zero-calorie noodles. That’s right, ZERO! You know what else you can eat for zero calories? Air and water, both of which would be better than these. It’s no accident that “shirataki noodles” is a perfect anagram of “akin shit-loosed air” (or “one kilo sad shit-air” if you’re eating a whole lot).
You knew you were in for it when you read the caveat: “these may produce a slight fishy odor.” Know how smell and taste are connected? They tasted like fish noodles, too. If you boiled one of those curly phone cords after soaking it in a bucket of mackerel, it would taste like shirataki noodles.
Better’n Peanut Butter
What could be better than peanut butter?! I don’t know. Probably not this shitty spread that was made of like 50% crushed peanuts and 50% crushed hopes and dreams. Maybe, if I weren’t expecting this to be a little bit like peanut butter, it would have been okay. Maybe if my expectations were more on-point, it wouldn’t have tasted like peanut butter cut with plain gelatin and desperation. Just call this Creamy Self-Loathing Spread instead, and I’d be all over it.
Handi-Snacks Sugar Free Gelatin Dessert
If you have strep throat, and don’t think you deserve real Jell-O, and have a coupon or something, then I guess it’s okay to buy this. Otherwise, skip it. I actually like sugar-free Jell-O, but there’s something about the off-brand that you don’t have to refrigerate that’s just terrifying. The texture is jiggly and gummy all at once. I imagine if you added a Kool-Aid packet to that 90s toy where you could suspend an undersea diorama in a tiny tank, it would taste like this.
Diet Bread
At 45 calories a slice, it’s better not to think about this as bread in a traditional sense. After all, it does taste like reconstituted sawdust. It’s more of a vehicle — a vehicle to make it easier to swallow egg salad, sliced turkey, or your self-esteem.
Wegmans CoCo Lite Pop Cakes
Please don’t take this as me saying anything against Wegmans. I love them so. And, well, it is pretty fun watching these cakes pop out of the machine in the store! I’m sure there’s even a topping that makes these 20-cal disks taste good. I just haven’t found it yet. If you’ve been looking for a frisbee-sized communion wafer, then this is the snack for you! So if you want to pretend that you’re an elf or fairy receiving the Eucharist, you should probably buy these.
Low Fat Cream Cheese
If you like yourself enough to buy bagels, but hate yourself enough to buy low fat cream cheese, I don’t think I can help you. Or, maybe I can. Just go with neufchatel instead! I think it might be lower-cal than regular cream cheese, AND it doesn’t taste like cream cheese made with the way baby formula smells.
Light ‘n Fit Yogurt
This product’s ad slogan is “Eat Light ‘n Fit – Be Light and Fit!”. Sorry, no. Light ‘n Fit is about as likely to make you BE light and fit as it is to make you be yogurt. Just buy the Fage or Siggis. A friend said that yogurt tastes the way bad breath smells, and generally I disagree, but that’s the most apt descriptor of Light ‘n Fit I can think of.
Lest you think I sit around eating chemical-based food equivalents, let me set you straight. All of these purchases were a one-off after I realized how awful they were, and I really do eat a lot of whole grains and fresh veggies and quality vegetarian protein.
But, let’s be honest, I’m also drinking a giant bottle of Crystal Lite as I write this. I’m pretty sure it’s washing my insides in cancer. What can I say, old habits die hard.
Yesterday was the 42nd President’s 66th birthday, and it’s not just because I like the guy, but I always remember his birthday because he shares it with my dad. So I mean, you could consider me as the Asian Chelsea Clinton. We have a lot of similarities.
Anyways, Billy C has had a storied life, bringing him all over the world and meeting hundreds of thousands of people of every walk of life. I recently came across this pic of a young William Jefferson Clinton meeting then President John F. Kennedy at The White House in 1963.
He was just a teen in this iconic pic but can you even imagine their conversation?! ‘Oh hey Mr. President. I’m going to be the President one day and have an affair with an intern and my wife’s gonna forgive me and so will America and people will still like me. How’s Marilyn?’ (not verbatim)
Throughout the years of his Presidency, Billy has met a plethora of famous people, and if only we could hear what they were saying …
Billy C: Hey, that goatee looks great on you. I should grow one out too, don’t you think? Brad Pitt: … No offense sir, but I was sexiest man alive 1995. I can pull anything off. You? Not so much.
Billy C: Great job tonight son. Nice hair. Justin Bieber: Thanks man. Who are you again?
Billy C: Hilary and I listen to your slow jamz all the time. If you know what I mean *wink* Usher: Yeah, I got you, sir. No need to wink.
Billy C: Y’all want to start a supergroup?! Bono & Jon Bon Jovi: … No.
Billy C: Kobe, you and I have a lot in common. Kobe: Don’t I know it, sir! Kobe’s Wife: *flashes diamond ring*
Mick Jagger: Let’s go team-m, let’s go! Billy C: You’re clapping off beat.
Betty White: Oh! Mr. President!! Billy C: This is the most action I’ve gotten in 2 years. Let this happen.
Billy C: Jennifer, thanks so much for my award. Such a pleasure to meet you! Jennifer Lawrence: HAHAHA I’m such a big fan I loved you in the White House I mean as the President not like ‘IN the White House’ like I’m a fan of you when you were the leader of the free world not like I was stalking you in the White House… you’re from Arkansas and I’m from Kentucky, we’re both from the south, isn’t that great?! *falls flat on her face*
Billy C: Charlize! Have you met Matt Bomer? He’s convinced me to do Magic Mike 2! Matt: It’s true! I didn’t convince him to wear that fedora though… Charlize: Are you sure you’re gay??
Bill Cosby: Now sir…. have you heard the joke about the penguin and the spaghetti… Jerry Seinfeld: What’s the deal with the spaghetti? Billy C: I honestly have no idea what either of you are saying right now.
Billy C: Hey Mikey, how’s that monkey of yours doing? Michael Jackson: Not here, Mr. President. Not here.
Michael Jordan: I love you man, thanks so much for coming out to play golf with me. Billy C: This picture is going to be framed and hung up in my Harlem office.
Billy C: Bruuuce! Can I bring out my saxophone now? Bruce Springsteen: Alright man, but only on Born to Run.
Lyle Lovett: *mumbles* Willie Nelson: Hey Pres, I got some realllly nice pot backstage if you wanna take a few hits before we go back out there. Billy C: I don’t trust your pot, Willie… Let’s use mine. Whoopi Goldberg: Child, this is NOT The View that I signed up for. Eric Clapton: WTF am I doing here, I’m not even American.
Billy C: I can’t believe I’m hugging THE Meryl Streep! Meryl Streep: Someone take this peasant off of me.
Tom Cruise: So now that you’re not the President anymore, how are your stress levels? Can I interest you in a free test? All the celebrities are doing it… Billy C: Nice try, Tommy.
As we all know by now, Beyonce got her hurr did last week, and shocked everyone by posting this pic on the interwebz:
All hell broke loose once she posted the photos, and it legit became a worldwide trending topic on Twitter. The media was covering it like World War III had just started. You have to ask yourself – is this all really necessary? Beyonce gets a haircut and that’s all anyone can talk about? I obviously understand that more people care about Beyonce than the regular person, but still. Can’t wait for the day when a woman of star status cutting her hair doesn’t make headlines or define herself as a person.
But B isn’t the only celebrity who has received this much attention for shedding her locks. Check out these other folks who’ve made headlines just for their “drastic” haircuts.
Keri Russell
Before
After
I think it’s safe to say that if there was any one haircut that changed television, it was this one. And the ‘Rachel’ doesn’t count – that was a trend. No one was running out the door to get Felicity’s short cut. But Keri Russell, whose greatest role is probably Felicity (save the Mickey Mouse Club), became the center of controversy in 1999 when she cut off her trademark hair in favor for a different kind of trademark hair.
Keri took a photo of herself wearing a short hair wig as a joke to the producers, who then decided it was time for Felicity to have a dramatic hair change as well. Incidentally, that following season, ratings declined and many thought the haircut was to blame. Or it could be the fact that the storylines began to suck, but hey I’m not here to judge (yes, yes I am).
But this haircut became such a big controversy that it has been a constant reference in pop culture, and I probably didn’t even have to write this because you knew about it already.
Miley Cyrus
Before
After
I think out of all the celebrity haircuts I’ve been alive for, this one has been the most “shocking.” Adding to her evolution from Disney Princess to rebellious adult, Miles went for a totally punk rock look last year. TBH, I thought it wasn’t as bad as everyone was saying it was, mainly because it kinda fit her ‘real’ personality, but to go from long locks (which she put into a perfect bun) to this look, stunned to world over.
Emma Watson
Before
After
What’s the best way to celebrate the end of a 10 year job that changed your life? Cut off all your hair, of course. Emma explained that after years of being told what to do and when to do it, it was liberating to finally do whatever the hell she wanted. With that explanation, I personally approved of her pixie cut, especially when it grew out just a bit more. But for perfectionist Hermione, it was a rebellious act that could barely be fathomed. What’s that, now? Harry Potter isn’t real?
Lena Dunham
Before
After
Apparently after actors finish a milestone in their careers, they stun the public by cutting off their hair. When we first met Lena Dunham, she was the quirky, usually nude, multi-talented star of Girls. And then we watched the rest of season one and Lena Dunham became, well, Lena Dunham. After wrapping season one, she posted this pic on Instagram and wrote, “I Miley’d the shit out of this Saturday.” This is how celebdom works now. Miley Cyrus and her haircut are now verbs. Just take note people, don’t pull a Hannah Horvath and try to Miley the shit of your hair by yourself.
Demi Moore
Before
lol that tagline
After
The year was 1997. Demi Moore was still married to Bruce Willis and I was in sixth grade thinking I would be married to AJ McLean from the Backstreet Boys. Things have changed for Demi, not so much for me. Filed under: Willing to do anything for her craft, Demi was enlisted as the lead role in G.I. Jane, a Lieutenant in the Navy. Naturally, being in the military requires a buzzcut for men, but her character decided to do it anyways. Not only did she do it for real, she did it herself. If you want to put yourself in the 1997 mindset, just imagine Hanson in their heyday, and Demi as the highest paid actress in Hollywood at the time. That’s like if Angelina Jolie just decided to cut all her hair off down to a buzzcut for a movie role in one take.
Anne Hathaway
Before
After
Following in the footsteps of Demi, Anne also shed her hair for a role, which we all know now as Fantine’s 20 minute appearance in Les Miserables, which earned Anne an Emmy and every other award possible. I know Anne is a really polarizing celebrity, and I’m kind of indifferent about her, but for some reason, my Hathaway meter leans towards dislike with her short hair. It’s like she knows she has confidence and is better than all of us and hangs her Oscar from her car mirror. She even dyed it blonde (which I’m assuming was also for another role), which didn’t really help either.
It’s Downton Abbey season again! Well, it is if you’re in the UK, anyway. All of the pre-Downton chatter has me thinking about the actors in real life. Some of them look the same in modern dress – Lord Grantham and Bates, for instance. When I see some of the other actors on a 21st century red carpet, I think they’re from some show I don’t watch. It’s like taking your great-grandma whom you’ve only seen in old photo albums and dressing her in skinny jeans. Honestly, though, some of them are secretly seriously attractive under that ‘20s garb. To wit:
Laura Carmichael – Edith Crawley
While Mary and Sybil carry the title of “Lady”, Edith’s title is “Poor.” As in, “Poor Edith always gets jilted” or “Poor Edith always tries to marry married men” or “Everyone Poor Edith knows dies tragically.” Yes, her sisters dealt with worse tragedies than her, but you have to admit that there’s a hangdog, unfortunate vibe surrounding Edith. The “Poor Edith” thing isn’t helped by Downton’s stylists. Compared to Mary and Sybil, Edith is certainly the dowdy sister. That’s all TV magic, though. When Laura Carmichael is out in modern-day clothes, she’s every bit as pretty as her on-screen sibs.
Rob James-Collier – Thomas
What a difference a buzz cut makes. While I do think Thomas isn’t half bad looking, you can’t deny that he’s a total dirtbag. Once Rob James-Collier has the layer of Thomas slime scrubbed off, he looks like such a nice guy.
Sophie McShera – Daisy
She’s playing a scullery maid, so this isn’t necessarily fair. Still, the fact remains that Daisy looks pretty plain on-screen. Casting directors must have seen some rough in the diamond, because is actually super-pretty.
Thomas Howes – William
Proof that everyone looks dopier with slicked-down hair.
Siobhan Finneran – Mrs O’Brien
I KNOW, right? Between the weird sausage curl bangs, Victorian spinster dress, and dour attitude, O’Brien is unappealing to say the least. It’s a huge shock that in 2013, Siobhan Finneran looks like she’d play a pretty teacher or nice young mom.
Dan Stevens – Matthew Crawley
Brown hair? Good. Facial hair? Good. A beard that looks like it’s been blasted with spray snow? Not so good. If Dan Stevens would trim up that frizzy beard and hit it with some Just For Men, I’d call his 21st century self a major upgrade.
Lesley Nicol – Mrs. Patmore
The biggest difference is definitely in the downstairs folk, and you have to admit that this is pretty remarkable.At least at first, Mrs. Patmore is that scary boss everyone’s had at least once. She isn’t even married, but they call her Mrs. anyway, just to show that she’s wed to the kitchen. She’s kind of grumpy and frumpy, but I can’t snark on Patmore’s hair because it’s exactly what mine looks like with no product or if I’m late for work. Yep, I’m definite downstairs material. Lesley Nicol in her 21st century gear reminds me that sometimes a little hair straightener goes a long way.
No, you did not read that incorrectly, and no I did not make that up.
In fact, National Catfish Month has been in place for over 20 YEARS. It was appointed to honor the U.S. farm-raised fish as well as the great farmers all over the country who take care of them.
But really, you didn’t click on this post because you’re a fish enthusiast, right?
If you’re like me, your brain probably immediately went to this image:
“Hi, I’m Nev. And this is my buddy Max.”
I’ve previously live blogged an episode of Catfish before, but many hopeless internet daters have come and gone since then. Nev and Max have exposed us to many fake people across the country, and they’ve also let us into their own special bromance that I can’t get enough of (But also, I love Nev and would probs try to Catfish him again if he didn’t have a girlfriend).
So I thought it was only appropriate to celebrate National Catfish Month by honoring our own American heroes – the ones who have helped bring a dose of reality to dozens of people in the U.S – as well as the Catfish they’ve caught in the past two seasons. Here are a list of the best Catfishes (so far).
5) Sunny & Jamison
Sunny’s search for her true love Jamison was the very first episode of the series and really set the tone for the show. Turns out Jamison is really Chelsea, who created the profile to get revenge on a friend. But then we find out she’s bisexual and actually really likes Sunny. She’s also been teased a lot as a teen, and just wanted to be liked for once without the judgement of how she looked. Unfortunately, this is a common theme throughout the series, which explains why a lot of these folks make up the fake profiles.
4) Lauren & Derek
OH MY GODDD WE’RE IN DEREK’S DRIVEWAY
Lauren met Derek on MySpace and have been dating for the past 8 years. In those 8 years, she’s had a baby, was engaged, and broke it off because she still had faith in her relationship with Derek – whom she’s never met. What’s crazy about this is that they met on MYSPACE. Tom would be so proud. Anyways, I hate to admit that this episode actually made me cry. It’s probably because of Lauren’s dad, but also maybe because she never doubted that he was who he said he was. Even Nev, who is usually the one who thinks ‘it’s really them‘, had to express his doubts that Derek wasn’t real. One of the few successful stories in Catfish history, Lauren and Derek go down in the internet record books.
3) Trina & Scorpio
Call me crazy, but this may be the first time I’ve sympathized with a stripper. A stripper who goes by ‘Trina the Natural’. And in all honestly, she’s the one that made this episode so great, not “Scorpio” aka Lee, who has 4 children instead of 2 like he told her, and is actually 32 and not 27 years old. She seemed so hopeful about Scorpio – and one of those women who are way too smart and charismatic to be an ‘exotic dancer’.
2) Cassie & Steve
The second season of Catfish didn’t disappoint. Cassie had been through a lot over the past few years, after her father was brutally murdered. Amid alcohol, drug use, and sleeping around, Cassie found solace in a guy she met online named Steve. They built a relationship and she began to turn her life around – and she even asked Steve to marry her – to which he said yes. Too bad he wasn’t real, because he turned out to be Cassie’s best friend IRL, Gladys. Oops. Gladys insisted she only did it to help Cassie turn her life around, which I guess is a good reason, if any?
1) Jasmine & Mike
If you only watch one episode of catfish, let it be this one. Jasmine had been in a relationship with Mike for the past two years, but had online chatted online and texted – never met or talked on the phone. Turned out that Mike was a girl named Mhissy, who Jasmine knew in real life. Mhissy was getting back at Jasmine for not leaving her boyfriend alone after they hooked up. But the first confrontation is out of this world – I don’t know how Nev and Max made it out of there alive.
Has everyone recovered from Sunday’s episode of Breaking Bad yet? Are we still in denial that that was the last season premiere ever? The correct answers are no, and yes, respectively.
With Breaking Bad’s last eight (now seven) episodes airing in the next couple of months, it prompts us to reflect on the past five seasons with shock and awe, wondering how we ever lived without this show in our lives.
It made us laugh, made us cry, made us angry, and probably most paramount of all – make us scream WHAT THE FUCK at our TV screens like lunatics time after time.
So while we impatiently await the next episode but still want it to never end, the least we can do is take a look back at some of the greatest WTF moments throughout the years.
Season 1, Episode 2: Cat’s in the Bag
It’s only the series’ second episode, and (creator) Vince Gilligan has the balls to write something like this scene. Actually, one of the reasons I’m assuming he wrote the infamous bathtub scene is that he wanted to show that ‘hey, this isn’t a regular TV show. We’re taking risks here and you should watch what we’re doing.’ If that’s what he was going for, it worked, because this was the first time I realized this show was going to be like nothing I’ve ever seen before. Also it was absolutely disgusting.
Season 1, Episode 6: Crazy Handful of Nothin’
In addition to the dead tub guy (a drug dealer), Walt manages to kill another dealer, Krazy-8, just three episodes in. The guy who replaces Krazy-8 is a guy named Tuco, who we see a lot of in the series. When Jesse goes to make a deal with Tuco, he gets beat up bad, and steals the meth. In retaliation of stealing Walt’s precious blue drug, he blows up Tuco’s safe house by throwing a crystalline nugget to the floor. SCIENCE, BITCH.
Season 2, Episode 12: Phoenix
This is one of the most heartbreaking scenes in the entire series. Jesse finally finds love with Jane (played by Krysten Ritter), who I only knew as Rory’s annoying friend at Yale on Gilmore Girls. Anyways, although they were both users, Jesse found someone – and somewhere- to focus his life on besides drug dealing. And it all went down the drain overnight when they used and fell asleep. Meanwhile, Walt makes a deal with Gus (our good amigo Gus), who offers to buy the blue meth but gives him only an hour to deliver the drugs. Obviously Jesse isn’t answering bc he’s half dead, so Walt breaks into his apartment to find the J + J asleep – until Jane turns over it all goes downhill. Walt watches Jane die without helping her, and we watch Walter White turn into Heisenberg in mere seconds.
Season 3, Episode 7: One Minute
{starts at 3:49}
It’s Hank Vs. the scary as hell Salamanca twins. That’s all you need to know. There is blood involved. You need to know that too.
Season 3, Episode 12: Half Measures
Jesse wants revenge against the drug dealers who killed his buddy Combo, and who are also selling Walt & Jesse’s blue meth. The only catch is that the guys are using an 11-year-old kid to sell the drugs – and he was the one who shot Jesse friend too. But because Jesse’s main character ‘flaw’ is that he’s good at heart, he can’t go through with killing the dealers. So when they’re about to come face to face, Walt rolls in to “save the day” … in his own Heisenberg way.
Season 3, Episode 13: Full Measure
One of the best season finales ever, Walt orders Jesse kills Gale, the nerdy chemist who is the only one who can perfectly duplicate WW’s blue meth recipe. But again, Jesse needs to prove himself by letting go of his ‘conscience’ and just kill Gale. Except the episode ends with the camera on Jesse, staring down the barrel of the gun, pointing it directly into Gale’s face, and the screen fades to black. HELLO?!
Season 4, Episode 1: Box Cutter
We had to wait an entire year – A YEAR – to find out what happened after Jesse shot Gale. So suck on that all you binge watchers – try waiting an entire year for a resolution to the Gale story. But this – this episode showed us just how much of a monster Gus was. Warning: a lot of blood. A LOT.
Season 4, Episode 13: Face Off
Easily the most shocking thing that’s ever happened in the history of television, I bet my entire DVD collection that no one could have seen this coming. I had to watch it at least three times to make sure it really happened. HIS. FUCKING. TIE.
Season 5, Episode 5: Dead Freight
Oh hey, Landry from Friday Night Lights! You’re such a good guy – except for that time in season two when you *SPOILER ALERT* killed the guy who attacked Tyra and threw his body into the river. But I mean other than that, you’re just a kid who made it on the football team and loves playing in a metal band called Crucifictorious, so you definitely wouldn’t be able to kill an innocent kid who just happened to stumble upon an illegal scheme. Oh that’s right – you’re not Landry, you’re crazy Todd, who would ACTUALLY DO THAT.
Season 5, Episode 7: Say My Name
{starts at 3:05}
TBH, I didn’t really care that much for Mike, until season five. We saw the softer side of him, and we also saw Jesse bond with Mike in a way that he never could with Walt. So by the time this episode came around, it was absolutely heartbreaking to see him go after being so close to getting out of the business.
Season 5, Episode 8: Gilding Over All
Before Walt killed Mike, he refused to give up the name of his nine henchmen, who Mike had been paying off to keep their mouths shut. Mike manages to get the names from Lydia, and Walt arranges for all nine guys + Mike’s lawyer to all be killed at once. Thanks to Landry’s Todd’s ties to some Aryan gang in the prison (because fucker is shady as shit), the prisoners kill the nine guys all at once in one of the most scary scenes I’ve ever scene. I don’t like horror movies, but this is more than good enough to take its place.
If you’ve been unfortunate enough to listen to Kidz Bop, there are a few things you’ll notice:
Not all of the lyric changes are even necessary to make things kid-appropriate
If lyrics reference alcohol, drug use, sex, or poor grammar, they will be changed to reference things like having fun with friends, eating food, or school.
Like Rated R movies dubbed for the USA network, much of the language makes absolutely no sense once it is cleaned up.
Children in Kidz Bop songs say things that no child has said since the ‘50s. If ever.
Some of the following are real Kidz Bop lyric changes. Others are Cookies and Sangria Originals. Can you tell the difference? Answers are at the bottom of the post.
(1) Bandz a Make Her Dance (Juicy J)
Real Lyrics:
Bands a make her dance
Bands a make her dance
All these chicks popping pussy
I’m just popping bands
Bands a make her dance
Bands a make her dance
These chicks clappin’
And they ain’t using hands
Kidz Bop Lyrics:
Bands’ll make me dance
Bands’ll make me dance
All you kids are playing records
I like hearing bands!
Bands’ll make me dance
Bands’ll make me dance
All the kids are clapping
Let’s all clap our hands!
(2) Hot N Cold (Katy Perry)
Real Lyrics:
You change your mind like a girl changes clothes.
Yeah, you, PMS like a bitch I would know
And you over think, Always speak Critically
Kidz Bop Lyrics:
You change your mind like a girl changes clothes
Yeah, you change your mind like a girl I would know
And you always think, always speak cryptically
(3) The Lazy Song (Bruno Mars)
Real lyrics:
Tomorrow I’ll wake up, do some P90X
Meet a really nice girl, have some really nice sex
And she’s gonna scream out: ‘This is Great’ (Oh my God, this is great!) […]
I’ll just strut in my birthday suit
And let everything hang loose
Kidz Bop Lyrics:
Tomorrow I’ll wake up do some P90X
Meet a really nice girl, send a really nice text
And she’s gonna write back “you’re so great” ( OMG you’re so great) […]
I’ll just strut with nothing to do
And let everything go through
(4) Bitches Ain’t Shit (Dr Dre Featuring Snoop Dog)
Real lyrics:
Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks
Lick on these nuts and suck the dick
Get the fuck out after you’re done
And I hop in my ride to make a quick run…
I used to know a bitch named Eric Wright
We used to roll around and fuck the hoes at night
Tight than a motherfucker with the gangsta beats
And we was ballin’ on the motherfucking Compton streets
Kidz Bop Lyrics:
Bringin’ the chips, hohos, and twix
Licked all these nuts, and feelin’ sick
Get the fun dip after you’re done
And I hop on my bike to make a snack run…
I used to know a kid named Eric Wright
We used to run around, eat fudge the whole darn night
Treats that my mother found with the gummy b’s
And we were noshin’ on your mother’s stash of Cadburies
(5) Glad You Came (The Wanted)
Real lyrics:
Turn the lights out now
Now I’ll take you by the hand
Hand you another drink
Drink it if you can
Kidz Bop Lyrics:
Turn the lights out now
Now I’ll take you by the hand
Hand you another dance
Dance it if you can
(6) Get Lucky
Real lyrics:
We’ve come too far to give up who we are
So let’s raise the bar and our cups to the stars
She’s up all night ’til the sun
I’m up all night to get some
She’s up all night for good fun
I’m up all night to get lucky
Cookies + Sangria 