Best Dressed Of Super Bowl 50

Just think: we are now two days past the biggest fashion night in the American football calendar! I grew up rooting for whichever Super Bowl finalist had the best uniform (except for the years the Buffalo Bills were in play, which: the less said the better). Through the iconic halftime shows and national anthems of our youths – Whitney and M.J., anyone? – to the fashion “controversies” of the 2000s – you really don’t want to get me started on Janet and J.T. – Super Bowl Sunday is the most fashion excitement you’ll find in a football game all year. So how did Super Bowl 50 stack up? I’d say it was one of the best Super Bowls yet, sartorially speaking.

Here are the best of the best, in no particular order:

The Super Bowl Logo

So many of us learned Roman numerals through the ever-changing Super Bowl logos – or, for us Catholic schoolers, through a healthy mix of Super Bowl logos and Bible stuff. I liked the unchanging tradition of it, the insistence on being way more fussy than necessary because the Super Bowl is football’s fanciest day. Roman numerals are like when numbers wear a tuxedo – just classy as hell. But to be honest, Super Bowl L looks stupid. We all know it looks stupid. It sort of just looks like we’re saying it is a large Super Bowl. The NFL realized that, and the resulting logo is way better than a large letter L.

Blue Ivy Carter (and her friend Apple)

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#superbowl50 jacket game

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Somehow Head B.I.C. is always two and a half years old in my brain, so when I see photos of her she always seems like the most self-possessed, mature toddler ever. But no, baby Blue is four now, and her neon bomber jacket reminds me of all of the best parts of being a 90s kid. Also wearing a pretty great jacket: Apple Martin, a smaller Gwyneth Paltrow.

Beyonce’s Dancers

What’s better than one Angela Davis? An entire troop of dancing Angela Davises. And in case you missed what they were going for, check out those Black Panther/ Malcolm X hats. And in case you still REALLY weren’t sure, they will tell you with a Justice for Mario Woods sign. FYI: the leather outfits were designed by Zana Bayne and she has some great behind-the-scenes photos of the day on Instagram. Pam Grier tweeted about the halftime show and I hope she appreciated that her iconic 70s look is back in style.

Kevin Durant

Did you know that Kevin Durant of the Oklahoma City Thunder is also a photographer? And since we’re talking about fashion here, did you know that Kevin Durant looks really, really good in street clothes? Okay, so a black t-shirt and ripped jeans aren’t exactly something to write home about but… I don’t know, maybe they are?

Lady Gaga

This outfit reminds me of Lady Gaga’s version of being an elementary school teacher, where they’d wear a turtleneck, chunky sweater, and jumper that all related to the same theme. You know, Miss Frizzle style. I find Gaga’s version of really flooring it, outfit-wise, to be so endearing. She’s in a shiny pantsuit, for Pete’s sake (by Gucci, because Gaga’s still Gaga). And since she’s singining the national anthem, that shit is RED.  With blue nails. And red eyeshadow. And because it’s football, she has the Gaga equivalent of Texas cheer mom hair. The shoes? Stars and stripes. And if you couldn’t tell, I say all of those things with complete affection. Pair this with a note-perfect rendition of the Star Spangled Banner and we have a pop star even your granny would love – fun, patriotic, respectful, and really committed to a theme.

Beyonce

Here’s something I don’t think we talk about enough: how Beyonce has made a signature look out of not wearing pants. She’s such a big deal that we all accept this long sleeve, no pants look and don’t even mention that usually, humans wear something on their lower half. This look was classic Beyonce, but the military styling was also a perfect fit with Formation. We’re told (by designers Dean and Dan Caten) that any resemblance to a certain other iconic Super Bowl halftime show look was strictly coincidental:

Janelle Monae (and company)

I’m a sucker for a “(Product) Through The Years” commercial format anyway, but this Pepsi ad was really remarkable. I loved Janelle’s classic James Brown suit, Madonna garb, and modern sequined look. Keep an eye on the background dancers: they look just as great. Now let’s get Janelle a halftime show of her own, why don’t we? And a 2014 Grammy nomination, please, because I still maintain that she should have had one.

Chris Martin

This is on my “bworst” list: gross word, but I mean a combination of best and worst. It’s not technically good, but it’s so very Chris Martin that the second I saw it I was like “oh, of COURSE.” As in, of course he’s wearing a line of Lisa Frank yoga clothes designed for a production of Godspell. Oh bless the Lord my soul. Also the second I saw his little face peeking out between Beyonce and Bruno Mars, I knew he was going to be a meme – so I do want to call attention to the fact that I think he did well and I liked his rainbow color scheme.

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Your Baby Hates Fashion Week

New York Fashion Week is in full swing, and this year’s hottest accessory is a human baby. Anna Wintour hates it:
Even Queen Beyonce looks a little shady.  But nobody’s crying about it more than the babies. You know, because they are babies.

Now, you might be thinking “but Molly, what do you know about what babies hate?” Here are my qualifications:

  • I know some babies.
  • And some of my best friends are babies, so it’s not like this is an anti-baby piece.
  • Also I used to be a baby.

Whether your baby is North West or Blue Ivy, Harper Beckham or Suri Cruise, your baby hates fashion week. Fashion week goes counter to everything that baby culture stands for. To wit:

  • Babies love naps. There are no naps at fashion week.

Fashion week is all go-go-go, fueled by coffee, cigarettes, and cocaine, which parenting manuals call the “Three Cs” as a mnemonic so you remember not to give them to babies. Babies, however, are sleepy. And sleepy babies are cranky babies, and cranky babies get side-eye from Anna Wintour.

  • Babies also hate naps. So if you want your baby to sleep like a fat drool-y angel through the show, your baby will choose that time to be awake and angry.

It’s not Thanksgiving at your Aunt Pat’s. You can’t arrange the events of the day around your baby’s nap schedule. So if you think you’re going to have a gently dozing baby in the front row of the Armani collection, you’re wrong.

  • Babies like when adults make ridiculous faces. Catwalk models make no such faces.

Your baby isn’t going to giggle and clap with delight as the models pass by, because babies are interested in faces that move and show expression. If anything, your baby might be scared. I mean I’m 28 and I’m scared of them, a little.

  • Fashion Week is an entire week devoted to clothes – which babies hate.

You know what babies love? Kicking back on the changing table waving their arms and legs during no-diaper time. An event celebrating clothing is an affront to baby culture. Do you think North West likes wearing a bullet-proof vest at her dad’s Emperor’s New Spanx fashion show? She wants to wear Garanimals and pull off her socks to eat.

  • Your baby wants some apple juice and goldfish NOW.

A baby’s blood sugar is a delicate flower, but not like a lily of the valley, more like that plant in Little Shop Of Horrors that craves human flesh. Hell hath no fury like a toddler who knows her mommy has a baggie of Teddy Grahams in her purse. I remember when I was a little kid and I was so jealous of – and a little disgusted by – those kids at church whose parents brought juice boxes and bags of loose cereal to mass. Catholic mass. Which is only about 45 minutes long, maybe an hour if they sing a lot of those response bits instead of reading them. But you can’t bring food to fashion week, leading to our next item…

  • Babies are a mess.

Not YOUR baby. I’m sure your baby looks awesome. But if you know enough babies, you know what I mean. They have sticky faces and pureed sweet potatoes in their neck folds. Their hands have a layer of grime. They literally sit in their own excrement until you clean them. They spew puke (you can call it spit-up, but your baby is PUKING). There are a lot of great places to bring babies – like, say, to visit me so I can tickle their adorable chubby cheeks and make faces at them – but a room full of the finest and most expensive fabrics in the world is not one of them.

  • Nobody likes your baby as much as you like your baby.

And I say this as someone who is totally friends with a lot of babies. Try bringing your baby on a plane and you’ll see what I mean. Your cranky, snack-crazed, sticky little darling is the light of your life. But she sure as heck isn’t the light of Anna Wintour’s life.

It’s not just babies. Kids at Fashion Week have also stirred up some trouble, and kids are really just older babies so it makes sense. Before she was the Princess Of The Internet and a Broadway starlet, our much-loved Tavi Gevinson was a child fashion blogger annoying New York fashionistas with her giant bow hat.

I can’t wait to see what the next big fashion week accessory is. Maybe it will be a living dog, or a very old person, or ant farms. But based on the babies’ – and Anna Wintour’s – reaction, I think within a few years, babies at fashion shows will be “so 2015.”