Beyonce Is Here To Save 2017

Call it divine intervention. Call it Destiny’s Child(ren). But for sure call it TWINS.

Yesterday, February 1st, Beyonce dropped not a new album, but rather baby news that made the world stop…

CARRY ON.

Actually, no. We, as a world, could not carry on. I will forever remember today as one of the most important days of my life. I work in a newsroom specifically for entertainment and we have one of those open floor plans where you can basically hear and see everyone. Someone sent through an email with the subject line: “Beyonce is Pregnant” along with the link to her Instagram picture. Sure enough, you could hear gasps and screams from throughout the office  – did I mention it’s a predominantly young-ish female environment? About 30 seconds later, someone said, “Wait did you guys notice she’s having twins?” UM NO, WE DID NOT SIR, WE WERE DISTRACTED BY THE BELLY BUMP, FLOWER WALL AND MESH VEIL PLACED UPON HER HEAD. TWINS?! WE HAVE BEEN BLESSED TWO TIMES OVER. What happened next was something I wish I had on camera (but I was still too shook to do anything). The screaming continued, people were congratulating and hugging each other as if we ALL were pregnant with twins.

meeting cancelled

And you know what, this is the type of communal excitement we need with this sham of administration tearing the country apart. Each morning, I wake up thinking, “Ah, what fresh hell is awaiting me today?”. But on this first day of Black History Month, Beyonce reminded us that despite the fact we’re surrounded with dumpster fires, the world is still spinning and new life is created, just like it did pre-January 20th (November 8th).

So now that Bey is prepping for The Carter 5, I feel like we as a society are a little bit better in the state of the world knowing that love is still on top. Yes, she’s a celebrity that a majority if not all of us will never be BFFs with, but in dire times like these, it’s exactly why the idea of stardom and artistry are important. It gives us a moment of distraction away from the insanity happening in politics and lower our blood pressure just a tad knowing new, talented life is being made. Just how will she save 2017? Here’s what we’re hoping Bey & these two little nuggets will do for all of us in the coming year:

  • She’ll have two more girls and start Destiny’s Child: Part II
  • DC:P2 will wear matching/coordinating clothes designed by Beyonce, just like Miss Tina designed for DC3
  • She’ll have a boy and a girl, and they becoming mini-Bey & Jays doing a rap/sing combo
  • She’ll have two boys and they’ll only wear the RocaWear baby collection Jay has secretly been hiding in their underground bunker for years
  • Bey’s mere appearance at the Grammys next Sunday will show off her belly and give us VMAs 2011 feels all over again
  • Bey starts a new trend of pregnancy announcement photos in lingerie, a veil and a flower wall. (It gets old fast)
  • She’ll be the fiercest pregnant performer ever to take the Coachella stage
  • But she could also lit’rally sit on a folding chair in the middle of the stage and it would be the best thing the world has ever seen
  • Bey letting us in on how Blue will be as a big sister
  • Blue wearing a “Big Sister” shirt
  • Bey and Jay have dinner with Mariah and Nick Cannon for advice on parenting twins
  • Instead of Who Is Becky With The Good Hair, B’s biggest mystery is WHY THE VEIL
  • Jay drops a surprise album on Tidal the day the twins are born all about his kids
  • Makes Tidal free. For one day.
  • Beyonce drops another surprise 5 track EP, one song is just the twins cooing
  • Just all the maternity outfits. All of them.
  • Anything Taylor Swift tries to do in 2017 will never be as good as this
  • To reiterate, this is not just one child, it’s TWO. TWO MORE BEY/JAY BABIES THIS IS A MIRACLE AND SHOULD BE REASON ENOUGH

What To Buy: A Baby You Know

Welcome to What To Buy, a semi-recurring holiday gift guide feature I’m doing since I’m looking all of this stuff up anyway. It feels like all year I think of gifts that would be perfect for people, only to panic and scramble for gifts once November and December roll around. This year, I’m sharing my thoughts for anyone else in the same boat. Julie Andrews always told us to start at the very beginning, so that’s what we’re going to do … with gifts for babies, who are the beginning of people.

Something you probably know about me: I know a lot of babies. I don’t actually have one, which is great. There are a lot of people that I like hanging out with but I wouldn’t particularly want to be roommates with them, and babies fall into that category. But I think they’re really fun once they get a personality on them, and they’re some of the easiest people to buy for because they’re happy with an empty box. For gift giving purposes, we’re calling babies anything from brand new to age two or so, when they start to fall into the kid category.

For The Baby Who Loves 90s Hip Hop And Has Dreams

I Wish I Was A Little Bit Taller or I Wish I Was A Baller shirt from tribeisalive

 

 

https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/12234915_10153702067691322_5344731840240534045_n.jpg?oh=ffb850478d6d06c2888c36b59ba30187&oe=56EA71F7

This is my niece, Lulu. I’m obviously biased but I think she’s as cute as a bug  – and at 17 months, she’s also about as big as one. She probably does wish she was a little bit taller but you can’t blame an auntie for wanting her to stay this size forever. Also comes in I Wish I Was A Baller, and is available in onesies or – why not – adult sizes. Lu has a great Jump Up Jump Up And Get Down shirt from the same site, but it seems to be no longer in stock.  $23, tribeisalive.com

[Because you didn’t ask, my personal criteria for “clever” baby t-shirts and onesies: nothing that references the father’s fertility or the fact that babies poop and pee. Why are those so popular?]

For A Baby Who Is Cold

Knitted hat that makes them look like something other than a baby

Baby it’s cold outside … is NOT a song you should sing to a baby. Creepy song, that. But it’s also a fact of life this time of year. One of the great things about babies is you can make them wear ridiculous things and they don’t know, like the adorable hats from Melondipity. These cute knitted caps are also a good way to circumvent that whole issue of not being able to find cute boy or neutral baby clothes. $19.99, melondipity.com.

For A Baby Who Likes Taking Things Out Of Containers And Putting Things Back In Again

Autumn Acorn Color Sorting Bowls

Autumn Acorn Color Sorting Bowls //  Wooden Bowls & Acorns // Wooden Educational Toy // Montessori // Waldorf

I know that sounds like a really specific type of baby, but if you also know a lot of babies you know what I’m talking about. I try to avoid anything that is probably full of lead paint and parabens, and if I were shopping for a sort-crazy baby this year something like this wooden set is just what I would go with. And since adults are the ones stuck with baby stuff strewn about their house, the bonus is that wooden sets like this are a lot less loud and ugly looking. $29.00, Simple Gift Toys on Etsy.

For The Baby Who’s Working On That Walking Thing

Plan Toys Push Toy

PlanToys® Push Toy Storage Capacity

During that wobbly stage, toddlers are so much happier to walk when they’re pushing something. This van is adorable and leaves storage space for kids to take a stuffed animal or two along for the ride. It’s also non-babyish enough that I could see it getting worked into pretend play into the early childhood years. $60.99, target.com.

For The Baby With A Crafty Gift-Giver And A Blank Bedroom Wall

DIY Name Sign

Not at all sorry for bombarding you with my Lu. My sister-in-law made this for her own baby’s room, but it would be a great gift, too. Use scrapbook paper and mod-podge to cover wooden letters, available at most craft stores, and accent with flowers or balloons, also in the scrapbook section. It’s a thoughtful, fun gift that will ensure that the baby you know never forgets who they are (as soon as they learn how to read.) $10 – 30 for supplies, JoAnn Fabrics or Michaels.

 

For The Baby Who’s Growing Teeth In Its Mouth

Josephine Mouse

Chances are, the baby you know already has a Sophie the Giraffe – but do they have Sophie’s friend Josephine yet? A few parents have raised choking concerns about Sophie’s long neck, although looking at the toy and the babies I know, it just doesn’t seem possible. But if you’re concerned, you might like the mouse’s rounder shape. $16.10, Target.com.

For The Baby Who Still Has A Lot Of Growing To Do

Set Of 30 Milestone Baby Cards

Milestone cards

It can be hard to document all of a baby’s firsts. If you know parents who aren’t painstakingly writing every moment in a baby book, they probably still have time to bust out the camera phone when baby does something new. These milestone cards provide a space to put the date the baby hit those big milestones, like smiling and saying mama. Parents can just write the date on the card, prop the card up next to the baby, and snap a photo. Instant, easy baby book. $24.59 for a set of 30, NotOnTheHighStreet.com.

For The Baby Who’s Sleepy

Constellation projecting turtle light

 

 

The soft light from this projector will create a peaceful glow in the baby’s room … and make parents 50% less likely to stub their toes walking into a dark room in the middle of the night. Win-win. $34.95, hammacher.com.

For The Musical Baby

Baby Instruments

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Instruments aren’t just great for a baby’s burgeoning musical abilities, they also help teach cause and effect. Pro tip: go for the non-electric ones that are baby, rather than battery, powered. The parents will thank you. $19.93, thejunglestore.com.

For The Baby Who Likes A Good Story

Baby Lit books

Pride & Prejudice

I have bought these for so many babies, and they always get a great response. No baby is too young to get drawn into the Bingley v. Wickham v. Darcy debate. Other titles include Sherlock, Wuthering Heights, Moby-Dick, and many more. If you’re a lit nerd trying to get your favorite babies on board – guilty! – these are just the ticket. $9.99, babylit.com.

 

The Fastest-Rising Baby Names Of 2014 (And Why Your Kid Will Hate Them In 2027)

If you had a baby in 2014, enjoy! In 13 short years you will be the parent of a surly teenager. Surly teenagers hate many things, but their own name usually tops the list. That’s why last year we examined the top baby names of 2013, and why your kid will hate them in 2016. It doesn’t matter how restrained or normal the name was, how well-planned or creative — sometime in the next few decades you may have to answer to your child’s wrath. It’s not your fault.

Last week the Social Security Administration released the 2014 baby name rankings – the official list of every name given to more than 5 children in 2014. Since the top 10 names are mostly the same as they were last year, this year we’re looking at the fastest-rising names. Now, many of these were not highly ranked at all, given to maybe a few hundred kids, but what’s unusual is how quickly they skyrocketed. All the more reason for your children to hate them. We’re anticipating some of the kids’ arguments, but don’t worry if you’re the real parent of an Aranza or Bode: I don’t think any of these names are really terrible.

[Fastest-rising calculations courtesy of the Baby Name Wizard blog.]

Girls

Aranza
  • Aranza is a telenovela name, a form of  Arantxa (your daughter thanks you for not choosing Arantxa). Basically any name that pegs the mother as someone who watches a lot of soaps can be sort of embarrassing. Just ask all those 20-somethings named Kendall and Lucky.
  • It’s sort of simultaneously beautiful, yet also sounds like the name of an evil cartoon spider. Teenaged Aranza will latch onto the latter opinion.
Daleyza

Awww. Who WOULDN’T want a kid like little Daleyza?

  • Again, 13-year-olds are the worst: any name, however pretty, with the syllable “lay” in it will be the victim of dozens of dirty jokes.
  • A child will figure out that it sounds like “the laser” or “the lazy” and make even more jokes. None of them will be good or funny, because again, middle school.
  • People are stupid, so by 2027 little Daleyza will be tired of explaining that it’s not Da-LIE-za or Da-LEEZ-a.
  • If you think soap opera names will make your kids roll their eyes in 13 years (don’t worry, moms and dads, most things will make them roll their eyes in 13 years): try reality TV names. So it is with Daleyza, from mun2 reality show Larrymania. Fortunately, little Daleyza will have plenty of classmates with names like Khloe and Bethenny to keep her company.
Everly

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4X7b2E_Jq-k]

  • Everly Brothers: charming, old-school 1950s musicians, or hokey as hell? Tween Everly thinks hokey (don’t worry, she’ll come around).
  • Everly kind of sounds like a weird adverb. That’s not really a bad thing, just an observation. They lived everly after. I’ll mow the lawn wheneverly. She’ll have this name foreverly.
Montserrat

Montserrat has it all: it’s not new or made-up. It’s a place name, and it has religious significance. And all of that will be lost on a 13-year-old.

  • The taunting starts early, with the nickname “monster rat.” Unfortunately, it comes from her preschool teacher’s failed attempt to pronounce the name on the first day (hint: it is pronounced exactly like the letters in the name look. Put the accent on the last syllable. Done).
  • Having a name that means “mountain” will not feel awesome when lil Montse hits that junior high growth spurt and feels like she’s towering over everyone.
  • At age 13, Montserrat is old enough to order those fluffy Starbucks drinks, but too young to find it hilarious when her name is misspelled.
Elsa

You’ve loved the name Elsa since you were a little girl, and just your luck, Disney releases a movie with a heroine named Elsa right when you’re getting ready to have kids. I named a character Elsa in a book I wrote in third grade — I get it. [Other characters: Charlotte, Lillian, Lucy, Eleanor. Man, was I ever tapped into the popular baby names of 2015 back in 1995).

  • “Let it goooo, let it GOOO!” If you think you’re sick of this now, imagine how tired little Elsa will be by, oh, third grade or so.
  • Sharing a name with a Disney princess has a ton of cultural cache in Kindergarten; less so in seventh grade.
  • Also, stupid children’s jokes: “Do you have a sister named Anna?” “It’s cold in here, right” [pointed stare at Elsa.]

Boys

Gannon

If you’re scratching your head about what a “gannon” is, you probably don’t watch Teen Mom. Me either. It sounds name-ish, and it’s a short name that ends in -n, a pattern that is all over the boy name charts. But don’t worry, your teen will still hate it in 2027 because:

  • TEEN MOM. First of all. You can swear to him that that’s not where you got it, but he won’t believe you.
  • ZELDA. Not just Zelda, but the bad guy from Zelda. And if any name from Zelda is trendy, why not Zelda? That’s actually cool.
  • You may be well-versed in up-and-coming names, but the receptionist at your pediatrician’s office or elementary school definitely isn’t. “Gannon Smith.” “CANNON?” “Gannon.” “No, but like, Dannon?” “Gannon.” “Gander.” “Gannon.” “Shannon.” It’s a new name, but it sounds sort of like a bunch of other names and words.
Karter

Well, somebody’s been taking a page from Kris Jenner’s guide to baby naming. And your baby doesn’t care now, but he’ll care in middle school – not because you’re a bad parent, but because the human brain is beset by obnoxious little demons from ages 11-14 or so.

  • Everyone’s just going to spell it Carter, then you’ll have to say “Carter with a K.” Which isn’t that big a hassle, but what’s the point?
  • And when Kris Jenner has that baby boy at the age of 63 after a few seasons of flagging ratings on E! – thank you, science – Karter is really going to hate sharing his name with baby Karter Kardashian.  Yes, Kris is going to legally change her surname to Kardashian in 2020 or so to keep it “on-brand.”
Bode
  • People assuming that either he – or you – smokes a whole lot of weed. It’s like the name version of having one of those heavy, woven Mexican blankets in your trunk. See also: Kai.
  • The name will constantly get mispronounced as “bode,” unless you pronounce it that way, in which case it will constantly get mispronounced as “bodie.” You’ll try to explain to his teachers that the accent is on the “e” — from which point, his name will be pronounced “boe-DAY.”
  • Seems like it stands out, but his karate class will have a Brodie and a Bodhi … oops.
  • Also, I almost wrote “karate klass.” THANKS KARTER.
Royal
  • You wouldn’t think that people would remember the Lorde song “Royals” well enough to sing it at him in 2027. But they do, because by then our nostalgia cycle is moving faster than ever and we’re all really pining for 2013.
  • By 2027, baby Royal has also internalized thirteen years of your mother-in-law tut-tutting “I don’t know why you had to go and name him ROYAL” every time she visits.
  • The nickname Roy. Just, you know, in general.
Axl
  • The worst fear of any parent naming their child “Axl”: he will grow up to be a music snob. There’s only so many times he can hear “Oh, like Axl Rose?” before he snaps.
  • He also won’t love how, thanks to Axl Rose, his camp nickname was “Rosie.”
  • Unlike the Scandinavian classic Axel, people will think that they’re supposed to smoosh the consonants together.

Bottom line: all of the girls’ names are appealing enough that I can see why parents’ will choose them. Your kids aren’t any more likely to hate them than if they were named Sophia or Mary. Which still makes your kids pretty likely to hate them, because kids are the worst. And the best. Congrats on your 2014 baby!

Your Baby Hates Fashion Week

New York Fashion Week is in full swing, and this year’s hottest accessory is a human baby. Anna Wintour hates it:
Even Queen Beyonce looks a little shady.  But nobody’s crying about it more than the babies. You know, because they are babies.

Now, you might be thinking “but Molly, what do you know about what babies hate?” Here are my qualifications:

  • I know some babies.
  • And some of my best friends are babies, so it’s not like this is an anti-baby piece.
  • Also I used to be a baby.

Whether your baby is North West or Blue Ivy, Harper Beckham or Suri Cruise, your baby hates fashion week. Fashion week goes counter to everything that baby culture stands for. To wit:

  • Babies love naps. There are no naps at fashion week.

Fashion week is all go-go-go, fueled by coffee, cigarettes, and cocaine, which parenting manuals call the “Three Cs” as a mnemonic so you remember not to give them to babies. Babies, however, are sleepy. And sleepy babies are cranky babies, and cranky babies get side-eye from Anna Wintour.

  • Babies also hate naps. So if you want your baby to sleep like a fat drool-y angel through the show, your baby will choose that time to be awake and angry.

It’s not Thanksgiving at your Aunt Pat’s. You can’t arrange the events of the day around your baby’s nap schedule. So if you think you’re going to have a gently dozing baby in the front row of the Armani collection, you’re wrong.

  • Babies like when adults make ridiculous faces. Catwalk models make no such faces.

Your baby isn’t going to giggle and clap with delight as the models pass by, because babies are interested in faces that move and show expression. If anything, your baby might be scared. I mean I’m 28 and I’m scared of them, a little.

  • Fashion Week is an entire week devoted to clothes – which babies hate.

You know what babies love? Kicking back on the changing table waving their arms and legs during no-diaper time. An event celebrating clothing is an affront to baby culture. Do you think North West likes wearing a bullet-proof vest at her dad’s Emperor’s New Spanx fashion show? She wants to wear Garanimals and pull off her socks to eat.

  • Your baby wants some apple juice and goldfish NOW.

A baby’s blood sugar is a delicate flower, but not like a lily of the valley, more like that plant in Little Shop Of Horrors that craves human flesh. Hell hath no fury like a toddler who knows her mommy has a baggie of Teddy Grahams in her purse. I remember when I was a little kid and I was so jealous of – and a little disgusted by – those kids at church whose parents brought juice boxes and bags of loose cereal to mass. Catholic mass. Which is only about 45 minutes long, maybe an hour if they sing a lot of those response bits instead of reading them. But you can’t bring food to fashion week, leading to our next item…

  • Babies are a mess.

Not YOUR baby. I’m sure your baby looks awesome. But if you know enough babies, you know what I mean. They have sticky faces and pureed sweet potatoes in their neck folds. Their hands have a layer of grime. They literally sit in their own excrement until you clean them. They spew puke (you can call it spit-up, but your baby is PUKING). There are a lot of great places to bring babies – like, say, to visit me so I can tickle their adorable chubby cheeks and make faces at them – but a room full of the finest and most expensive fabrics in the world is not one of them.

  • Nobody likes your baby as much as you like your baby.

And I say this as someone who is totally friends with a lot of babies. Try bringing your baby on a plane and you’ll see what I mean. Your cranky, snack-crazed, sticky little darling is the light of your life. But she sure as heck isn’t the light of Anna Wintour’s life.

It’s not just babies. Kids at Fashion Week have also stirred up some trouble, and kids are really just older babies so it makes sense. Before she was the Princess Of The Internet and a Broadway starlet, our much-loved Tavi Gevinson was a child fashion blogger annoying New York fashionistas with her giant bow hat.

I can’t wait to see what the next big fashion week accessory is. Maybe it will be a living dog, or a very old person, or ant farms. But based on the babies’ – and Anna Wintour’s – reaction, I think within a few years, babies at fashion shows will be “so 2015.”

Other Things That May or May Not Be Ashton & Mila’s Baby

Last week, Jackie and Kelso made their That 70s Show shippers squeal with glee by announcing the arrival of their baby daughter Wyatt Isabelle. Yes that’s her real name. I mean it’s no Pilot Inspektor but it’s no Penelope Disick either.

Both of them usually keep their cards close to the vest when it comes to their personal lives, but Ashton decided to be the first to reveal their baby’s name by posting it on his website:

Mila and I would like to welcome Wyatt Isabelle Kutcher to the world. May your life be filled with wonder, love, laughter, health, happiness, curiosity, and privacy.

Can you guess which one is ours, or does it really matter? All babies are cute.

-Ashton

And then he proceeded to post a few pictures of babies and a picture of a dog and also a goat (?). I respect the fact that they want to keep the identity of their child under wraps for now, but why stop there with the guessing game? I personally contacted Ash and Mils (my nicknames for them) and asked if it was okay that I continue the baby mystery. So here are a few other babies (and inanimate objects and misc.) that may or may not be Steven Hyde’s worst nightmare:

Crispy M&Ms are making a comeback, y’all!! Is it a coincidence the Mars company decided to bring these back the same week as Mila gave birth?!

Could this freaking adorable baby belong to Ashton and Mila? Or could it belong to one of my favorite celebrity couples of all time John Krasinski and Emily Blunt?

Hello baby Kutcher or Hello person?

The cutest little nose you ever did see – is it Ashton and Mila’s or a baby named Winnie (Fallon)?

Apparently the debate of whether Pluto is a planet or not is back on the table, and for all we know, it could be the result of some kind of Kutcher/Kabbalah/Illuminati shit.

Perhaps Wyatt Isabelle was just using Lisa Vanderpump’s Giggy the Pom as vehicle for her soul all these years. She’s already gotten so much screen time.

The internet is freaking out about this pizza cake Pilsbury recently released the recipe for – and honestly if this was their baby, I think more people would be interested in it.

OR MAYBE WYATT IS THE REINCARNATION OF LIL’ SEBASTIAN. RIP.

Photo Jul 01, 6 36 17 PM

Is Wyatt this adorable baby butt? Spoiler alert: it’s our friend’s adorable son. He was having troubs getting into the baby seat.

ICYMI: The Baby Boom

This week, we broke down the top baby names as chosen by you, the new parents of America.

Top Baby Names Of 2013, And Why Your Kid Will Hate Them In 2026

It’s that time of year again – the Social Security Administration has separated the Adelyns from the Addalynns and the Jaidens from the Jaydens, and delivered its list of the top baby names of 2013. And let me tell you, this year the top 10 names are …. really normal. That’s why they’re top 10 names, you know?

The thing is, whether you named your kid Brooklyn or Greenpoint, she’ll probably hate her name in about 13 years. It’s just a phase kids go through, and no name – however normal – is safe. Here are my predictions for how the ten most popular baby names of 2013 will lead to the ten most angsty “I didn’t ask to be born!” arguments of 2026:

1. Sophia

When young Sophias finally reach the age where they can watch late-night syndicated sitcoms – truly a magical time in a young woman’s life, if my memories of The Facts of Life and Mary Tyler Moore serve – eventually they’re going to run across The Golden Girls. And at that time, your Sophia will discover that she’s really more of a Blanche.

Blanche, by the way, is a top baby name of 2026.

2. Emma

Okay, maybe your kid is a little less into TV and a little more into books. Don’t get too proud of yourself there, mom: reading is just nerd television. I should know. You’ve always told her that you named her after a Jane Austen heroine, the title character of Emma. When she gets old enough to read it, she discovers that Emma Woodhouse’s head is so far up her own ass that her face is damaged by stomach acid.

That’s when you have to tell her that you never actually read Emma. You heard that the movie Clueless was loosely based on it, and you’ve seen that easily 15 times, though. You sort of figured it was the same thing.

You should have gone with your gut and named her after Cher Horowitz.

3. Olivia

Your love for your child is something that will last a lifetime. Something else that will last a lifetime: your cached internet activity. That’s why your little Olivia will love her name … until she discovers your Olivia Pope fan tumblr and extensive postings on Olitz message boards. Then you’ll both feel a little bit weird about things.


 So you have a baby name, but what if you’re meeting said baby for the first time as a friend or loved one. Like Molly says in the post from last year, we’ve been lucky that our friends have super cute babies (not just saying that, I swear), but if you find yourself in a position where you’re facing a baby that isn’t as adorable, here are some tips on what to say besides “oh GOD” or like, plain silence.

 What To Say When A Baby Is Ugly

We’ve all been there. You’re minding your own business,  hanging out with a baby, and it feels like you have to mention his or her appearance… but the baby is totally busted.

Before we start, I should say that I’ve been really lucky in my personal life. It’s not even my bias talking: my nephews and niece are beautiful children. Most of my friends don’t have kids yet, but I swear there’s one due in the summer who even looks cute via ultrasound. But there are less cute babies ugly babies out there, and sometimes you need to talk to and about them. I can help. Here’s what you can say if a baby is ugly:

  • To start, it’s way less necessary to say that a baby is cute than you think. It can be fairly easy to work around. If you know a lot of babies, you’re in luck. Just start talking about what developmental milestones the baby is near. If you don’t know a bunch of babies, but are REALLY dedicated (or just know a lot of fugly infants and want to prepare yourself), you could maybe check the internet to learn about what babies do when. This is more interesting than talking about what a baby looks like anyway. When you meet a new adult, you don’t feel the need to compliment them on how attractive they are, right? Although maybe everyone would like me more if I did that. Another way to make more people like me is probably to stop calling babies ugly on the internet.
  • You could talk about what side of the family the baby looks like, if you know the baby’s biological parents. Even if all you say is “aww, he looks just like his father!,” the baby’s parent will probably hear a compliment. Steer clear if the relative or side of the family who the baby favors is obviously, objectively unattractive.
  • If the baby has a feature that is pretty nice, you could just mention that. “Aw, such big eyes!” “Look at all that great hair!” Is the baby chubby? That’s cute! Talk about that! Unless the parent is so super weight conscious that they’ll take that as an insult. In that case, perhaps compliment the baby’s slim wrists or something. [Warning: Not to bring the discussion way down, but if the baby’s distinctive feature looks like it’s from a medical condition, maybe don’t go there.]
  • You have a BABY!
  • “Look at that BABY!”
  • “Now THAT’S a baby!”
  • “Well, bless his/her heart!” Note: you can pull this off best if you’re Southern, but please be aware that other Southerners totally know what that means.
  • “What a sweet baby!”
  • “What a good baby!”
  • “What an alert baby!”
  • “What a happy baby!”
  • “What a baby!”
  • “That sure is a baby!”
  • “Your baby is so well-dressed!”
  • “Your baby is so clean!”
  • “Your baby smells so good!” Note: It seems like it would be weird to talk about how a baby you don’t even know smells, but people always talk about how babies smell good. It’s normal, somehow. You need some confidence to pull this off.
  • “S/he looks just like (name of attractive celebrity).” Note: This is a tough one to pull off, and is really advanced-level baby complimenting. Some babies, while not cute, sort of look like people widely regarded as attractive. Big lips? That baby looks like Angelina Jolie! Dimples? That baby looks like Mario Lopez! Freckles? I don’t know… Eddie Redmayne maybe?
  • “Your baby is HILAROUS!” Note: Use sparingly, as the truly hilarious baby is quite rare. My nephew Hank, age two, is one of the funniest people I know, but if I’m being quite honest I know a lot of babies who don’t bring much to the table, humor-wise.

 

ICYMI: The Birth of the Kimye Spawn

Well folks, it finally happened. The spawn of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West has finally arrived – and a month early, no less! But lest us forget the 8.5 month journey we went on with the first couple of narcissism. Molly wrote a great wrap up of their pregnancy this week:

The Kimye Pregnancy – A Retrospective

Over the past weeks, months, and — has it been years? — we’ve grown accustomed to the Kim Kardashian/ Kanye West pregnancy. It sort of seemed like it would always be here, you know? I mean it seemed like it would never END. But it’s over now, and maybe you’re starting to feel a little lost. Whose pregnancy couture will I judge now? Not Kate Middleton’s, because they’re putting her away until the baby comes. Whose baby names will I bet on? Again, not Kate Middleton’s, because there are like 10 acceptable Royal British Baby Names.

The only thing to do, then, is to look back at the fond memories. Grab a nice cup of tea, queue up some sentimental music (I suggest Bookends by Simon and Garfunkel), and remember the gestation that was… (click the above link for the entire post!)

And while the new parents have decided to go with the ever so unique and geographically helpful name of ‘North West’, here are some other names that are just ridiculous enough to be real celeb baby names…

Ten Words That Sound Like Celebrity Baby Names 

A universe without absurd celebrity baby names would be like a universe without circus peanuts. Some people adore them, some people abhor them, but the world would be a little less sweet — yet  fully operational — without them.

I have compiled a list of words that sound like celebrity baby names, because that’s just the kind of lady I am. Note that all of these were chosen based on sound and spelling, not meaning.

  • Rayon (Boy. It will go on to widespread use among commoners. After a few years, a celeb will use it on a girl to be “edgy.” The Internet will be divided about that.) [Ed. note: A not-so-secret secret here at C+S is that we write/queue our posts up to a month in advance. A few weeks after I wrote this, this post appeared: a (non-celeb) Rayon already exists in the UK! I don’t want you all to feel scammed, so I’m adding a bonus eleventh name at the end of the list.]
  • Peplum (Girl. The mother is quirky and British or French. They call her Peppy.)
  • Cavalry (Girl. She will be aptly and unfortunately horse-faced.)
  • Madrina (Girl. The mother will explain that she is “named after mygodmother.”)
  • Loafer (Boy. The mom will refer to him as Lo in interviews (in which she never shuts up about him.))
  • Gradient (Boy. It will go on to mass appeal with parents who like Grady but want  ”something more formal.” These are the same people who name their boys Brentson and Troyton but only ever plan to call them Brent and Troy.)
  • Attaché (Girl. An aging rocker’s child with a much younger woman. They will insist on calling her Che, but she will become Attie once she’s old enough to have opinions.)
  • Avarice (Girl. Looks like Ava + Alice + Beatrice, all of which are already “in” these days. I bet someone somewhere has already done this.)
  • Aril (Unisex. Starts as a boy name but becomes a popular misspelling of Ariel. Aril and Lira become a trendy twin name duo.)
  • Carton (Boy. With Carter, Carson, and names ending in -on as popular as they are, I’m surprised and disappointed that nobody has done this yet.)
  • Answer (Unisex. The parents will already have a kid with a word name, like Ever or Story — believe it or not, there are already 2 celebrity babies with each of those names. Names starting with A are popular, and it starts with Ann, which is a name, so I don’t even think this is too off-base. The parents will have some cheesy explanation for the name, like “She is the answer to our prayers!” or “Whenever he is questioning something, he only has to look to himself for the answer.” )

What To Say When A Baby Is Ugly

We’ve all been there. You’re minding your own business,  hanging out with a baby, and it feels like you have to mention his or her appearance… but the baby is totally busted.

Before we start, I should say that I’ve been really lucky in my personal life. It’s not even my bias talking: my nephews and niece are beautiful children. Most of my friends don’t have kids yet, but I swear there’s one due in the summer who even looks cute via ultrasound. But there are less cute babies ugly babies out there, and sometimes you need to talk to and about them. I can help. Here’s what you can say if a baby is ugly:

  • To start, it’s way less necessary to say that a baby is cute than you think. It can be fairly easy to work around. If you know a lot of babies, you’re in luck. Just start talking about what developmental milestones the baby is near. If you don’t know a bunch of babies, but are REALLY dedicated (or just know a lot of fugly infants and want to prepare yourself), you could maybe check the internet to learn about what babies do when. This is more interesting than talking about what a baby looks like anyway. When you meet a new adult, you don’t feel the need to compliment them on how attractive they are, right? Although maybe everyone would like me more if I did that. Another way to make more people like me is probably to stop calling babies ugly on the internet.
  • You could talk about what side of the family the baby looks like, if you know the baby’s biological parents. Even if all you say is “aww, he looks just like his father!,” the baby’s parent will probably hear a compliment. Steer clear if the relative or side of the family who the baby favors is obviously, objectively unattractive.
  • If the baby has a feature that is pretty nice, you could just mention that. “Aw, such big eyes!” “Look at all that great hair!” Is the baby chubby? That’s cute! Talk about that! Unless the parent is so super weight conscious that they’ll take that as an insult. In that case, perhaps compliment the baby’s slim wrists or something. [Warning: A few times my mom had people make really mean comments about my brother as a baby, asking what she fed him and stuff. He was a giant baby because he was on major steroids for a serious epileptic disorder. My nephew had the same thing, and all the “football player” comments were well-meaning but sort of hit a sore spot. Not to bring the discussion way down, but if the baby’s distinctive feature looks like it’s bordering on a medical condition, maybe don’t go there.]
  • You have a BABY!
  • “Look at that BABY!”
  • “Now THAT’S a baby!”
  • “Well, bless his/her heart!” Note: you can pull this off best if you’re Southern, but please be aware that other Southerners totally know what that means.
  • “What a sweet baby!”
  • “What a good baby!”
  • “What an alert baby!”
  • “What a happy baby!”
  • “What a baby!”
  • “That sure is a baby!”
  • “Your baby is so well-dressed!”
  • “Your baby is so clean!”
  • “Your baby smells so good!” Note: It seems like it would be weird to talk about how a baby you don’t even know smells, but people always talk about how babies smell good. It’s normal, somehow. You need some confidence to pull this off.
  • “S/he looks just like (name of attractive celebrity).” Note: This is a tough one to pull off, and is really advanced-level baby complimenting. Some babies, while not cute, sort of look like people widely regarded as attractive. Big lips? That baby looks like Angelina Jolie! Dimples? That baby looks like Mario Lopez! Freckles? I don’t know… Eddie Redmayne maybe?
  • “Your baby is HILAROUS!” Note: Use sparingly, as the truly hilarious baby is quite rare. My nephew Hank, age two, is one of the funniest people I know, but if I’m being quite honest I know a lot of babies who don’t bring much to the table, humor-wise.

We’re kidding, of course. Babies are cute – an ugly baby is like an ugly puppy or kitten; they’re cute just by definition. Still, the expectation that you’ll compliment a baby’s appearance all the time is odd enough to almost make you want to say “what a baby!” the next time you meet one.