Tag Archives: music

Blaque Friday, Orphan Black Friday and Beyond: Alternatives To Shopping

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It’s Black Friday, and the crowds are hitting the malls and big-box stores. But whether you’re not into consumer culture, already bought your Christmas gifts (show-off!), or are more of an online shopper, you don’t have to brave the masses today. If you have the day off and are looking to celebrate a different kind of Black Friday, read on for suggestions.

Blaque Friday

Remember Blaque? Kind of? The main thing I remember about Blaque, the late 90s girl group, is that they were not TLC or Destiny’s Child but probably wanted to be. But get this: Blaque actually stands for something. No kidding. It’s an acronym for Believing, Life, Achieving, Quest, Unity, Everything. What does that mean? Everything. And nothing. Mostly, absolutely nothing. Still, it makes for a good game if you’re lounging around with friends and relatives. Put a bunch of words in a hat. Everybody has to make up an acronym for the word that they pull. Misspelling the word is fine. So, say you pull Milk. Your Blaque-ronym is Mylk: Miracles, Youth, Love, Knowledge. Or MILKE: Mourning Idaho, Loving Kansas Evermore. The person whose Blaque-ronym makes you laugh the hardest is the winner.

It goes without saying, the soundtrack to this game is either tunes by Blaque, or the feature film Bring It On which features the Blaque members as high school cheerleaders.

Shirley Temple Black Friday

Pour yourself a Shirley Temple (that’s ginger ale and grenadine) then add a splash of any kind of liquor. Any kind at all. Bam! Now it’s a Shirley Temple Black. Round out your Shirley Temple Black Friday with a selection of Shirley Temple films. Come on, I can’t be the only former community theater child around these parts! Get your inner ham on as you sing along to On The Good Ship Lollipop or Animal Crackers In My Soup. Have a Shirley Temple impression-off with your friends and family – especially fun if you’ve already knocked back a few Shirley Temple Blacks.  Sick of Thanksgiving leftovers already? Order some international food, because in her adult life Shirley Temple Black served as an ambassador to Ghana and the former Czechoslovakia.

Orphan Black Friday

Haven’t seen Orphan Black yet? Have access to BBC America On Demand? Today’s your lucky day! You can easily watch all 10 episodes in one fit of glorious laziness. While everyone is evading human stampedes and knife battles at Wal-Mart, you’ll be immersed in a world of mystery and intrigue.

Already seen Orphan Black? If you aren’t up for a re-watch, get your butt to a crowded mall. They say that everyone has a twin, or in the Orphan Black world, possibly at least 8 clones. Play a human matching game! Single out someone distinctive – odd walk, crazy hair, wonky features – then keep your eye out for their closest human match. Takes people watching to a whole new level.

Sirius Black Friday

The Harry Potter movies always feel like Christmas to me. That’s probably because ABC Family aired them as part of their 25 Days Of Christmas for so long that I finally acquiesced. Fine, ABC Family, you win. It’s a Christmas movie. Spoiler if you haven’t read/seen all of the Harry Potterses: Sirius Black seems super shady, but is actually in Harry’s corner the whole time. So today, do something nice for that person you absolutely can’t stand, on the chance they aren’t so bad after all. Or just say screw it and have a Hogwarts-themed feast. There are recipes for Butterbeer, Pumpkin Juice, and more online.

Orange Is The New Black Friday

Much like Orphan Black, this is an excellent series that you can watch in one sitting. If you’re off of work and in a food coma, this might be the right time to see what the buzz is about.

Maybe you already have seen it, though. And maybe OITNB gave you greater empathy for the incarcerated (We all make bad choices. It’s just, some of us got different bad choices to make). Well, you can use some of those Black Friday bargains for good, then. There are several organizations that accept new and gently used books for prisoners – for instance, the Prison Book Program. Either grab some discount reads after the crowds have died down, or use your time off to sort through your bookshelves. Literacy, especially critical literacy, is instrumental in helping individuals become fully participating members of society, after all. Okay.  I’ll stash my soapbox, now.

Paint It Black Friday

Rolling Stones tune strictly optional. If you’re decorating for Christmas this week, grab some ceramic ornaments and acrylic paints and have yourself an ornament painting party. It’s fun and you’ll have decorations when it’s done! If you have more than enough Christmas decor, spread the cheer by dropping off some ornaments with someone who could use a little holiday magic. You can have great ornament painting contests, too — best, worst, weirdest, whatever.

Wiggida Wiggida Wiggida Wack Friday

It’s as true today as it was in the early 90s: Kris Kross will make you jump, jump. But what really makes me jump, jump is this Kris Kross remix. The day after Thanksgiving is all about recombining your leftovers into something that feels new and interesting. It’s also a good day to do the same thing with music. Put on some mashups of your old-school favs and get your dance on — I still like the Girl Talk mixes for this. We can all use a little exercise now anyway.

Baby Got Back Friday

Sometimes it seems like everyone has the opening rap and chorus of this song memorized, but they have no love for the rest of it. Well, today is your day! Sit down with the lyrics and iconic music video until you have this down. Sure, other people are out buying gifts today. I’d argue that having this song in your repertoire is a gift to the world.

An Analysis Of The Jonas Brothers Breakup, Through Lyrics

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The Background

The JoBros announced this week that they were cancelling their tour. “It is over for now,” said Kevin, the brother who is allowed to have sex now.  Their spokesman – not “a source,” but actual spokesperson – said “there is a deep rift within the band. There was a big a disagreement over their music direction.” Nick Jonas, who is supposed to be the cute one, maybe?, said “the pro is that you have a really good support system. The con is that you are with the same people every day for a long time, which, if you’re family or not, can be a lot at times.” Ouch. Joe Jonas, the other brother, who is neither the youngest nor the most sexually active of the group, added glumly, “it was a unanimous decision.” If you’ve been paying attention to the lyrics, you probably saw it coming.

Our “Qualifications”

Did you see our post, A Psychological Analysis Of Miley Cyrus’ Lyrics? It was published before any singles on Miley’s new album dropped, well before the fated VMA performance, and it foretold the very things concern trolls were going to say about Miss Destiny Hope months later. Clearly, there were some secrets in her songs, and I was just the lady to extract them, by poking and prodding and contorting her lyrics until secrets exploded out like horrible cystic acne.

So, it’s like I’m some kind of combination of a psychologist, a psychic, a literary analyst, and an esthetician*.  CBS or FOX could make a series about me solving stuff via blog and cast a way more attractive person in my place. They could call it The Blog Psychic or The Lyrical Psychologist, though the latter sounds more like a Weinstein-y Oscars bait piece, especially if they cast a more attractive person in my place but fit her with prosthetics to make her less attractive. Just, you know, do a Full Halle. Really Charlize it. All of that.

When I saw that the Jonas Brothers broke up, I knew the clues were in their lyrics, too. They had to be. So, I Veronica Mars’ed it a little. And friends, the signs were there all along.

The Evidence:

Time For Me To Fly

Lyrics:

Time for me to fly
Time for me to soar
Time for me to open up my heart and knock on heavens door
Time for me to live
It’s time for me to sing
Time for me to lay down all my worries and I’ll spread my wings
Time for me to fly

Analysis:

This is early, early Jonas Brothers – vintage 2006 – but obviously someone was already pretty over it. Some may say that the lyrics about “heaven’s door”, wings, and “lay[ing] down all my worries” are oblique references to death and heaven. To that I say, Yeah. EXACTLY. It was T-7 years until the demise of the JoBros and someone was already ready to die to get out.

That’s Just The Way We Roll

Lyrics:

I woke up on my roof with my brothers
There’s a whale in the pool with my mother
And my dad paints the house different colors
Where would we be, if we couldn’t dream?

Analysis:

First of all, as you enter your twenties – as the Jonas Brothers have maybe, probably all done by now – children of unstable homes, all roof-sleeping with large aquatic mammals in the pool, slapping the  house in the wackiest colors Benjamin Moore could dream of, learn to create a little stability for themselves. That’s why the old one got married, and had or is going to have a baby. I forget which. Does it really matter?

The Langston Hughes-y line at the end of the verse says it all: Where would we be, if we couldn’t dream? Truly, what happens to a dream deferred? Does it shrivel up like a raisin in the sun, leaving you stranded on a tour bus with your adult siblings, singing pop tunes to a rapidly waning fan-base of young girls? Or does it explode, like so much water from the blowhole of a swimming pool whale?

Pushing Me Away

Lyrics:

You’re going nowhere
Try to fix what you’ve done […]
Pushing me away
Every last word, every single thing you say […]
try to stop me now but it’s already too late […]
If you really don’t care then say it to my face
Pushing me away

Analysis:

Wow, guys. Just wow. Pretty prescient, right? Going nowhere? As in, staying in one place? Because you are not on tour? A tour where you would, presumably, be going somewhere? Pushing me away – as in, out of our Band of Brothers? Signs, signs, everywhere a sign.

Sorry

Lyrics:

Broken hearts and last goodbyes
Restless nights but lullabies
Helps to make this pain go away
I realize I let you down
Told you that I’d be around
Buildin’ up the strength just to say

I’m sorry
For breakin’ all the promises that I wasn’t around to keep
It’s all me
This time is the last time I will ever beg you to stay
But you’re already on your way

Analysis:

As the oldest Jonas Brother prepares to embrace fatherhood (lullabies!), he takes stock of his band’s inevitable breakup (last goodbyes!). He told his brothers he’d be around (because they’re brothers!) but ultimately wasn’t able to keep his promise (they broke up!). He begs the others to stay (“unanimous decision,” Joe? The lady doth protest too much.) Even five years ago, Kevin was planning his out as soon as he welcomed his firstborn. Perhaps before the band took off, he met the devil, disguised as an old jazz man or a swamp witch, who promised him fame and glory in exchange for his firstborn. Maybe that’s why it had to end now. Maybe that was the only way.

Don’t Speak

Lyrics:

I thought I was cool
But I just looked a fool
For so long
Now you’re gone […]
Don’t speak to me […]
I recall all our fights

Analysis:

As the first decade of the 2000s comes to a close, a Jonas Brother – maybe Nick, maybe not – realizes that he does not look as cool as he once thought he did. Once young enough to be ensnared by Disney’s glittery neon web, he has grown and changed since the band’s early days. He names his song after a hit single by No Doubt, hoping, praying, that it lends him some credibility – that it makes him cool, rather than looking like a fool. Sometimes the brothers do not speak, but they fight. And Nick, or whoever, remembers. How could he forget?

Found

Lyrics:

Kids gotta grow
This kind of life is bound to bore you
Yeah I should know
But you always seem to break the rhythm
In this messed up world

Analysis:

This 2013 tune could be one of the last the Jonas Brothers ever record, and it lays it all out there, raw and real. Children grow up. This kind of life – a pop trio with your brothers – is bound to bore you, no matter how many games of Mario Kart I imagine they play on their tour bus, how many bags of Cheetos and Sour Patch Kids are probably guaranteed on their tour rider. It is time to break the rhythm in this messed up world — to end the band. As Fleetwood Mac once said, time makes you bolder, children get older, and Joe, Nick, and Kevin are getting older, too.

* Note: this satire. I am not a psychologist, a psychic, a literary analyst, nor an esthetician. I have no insight into the Jonas Brothers breakup. I don’t even know which one is which. As in, I had to look up their names. I thought there was a Matt – like, really could have sworn there was a Matt. Are we sure they didn’t break up because they stopped asking Matt around? I feel bad for him.

Where Are They Now: Tween Nazis

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Please note: Tween Nazis doesn’t refer to young folks between the ages of 10 and 12 years old, who grew up following the leadership of Adolf Hitler. I am absolutely not doing a where are they now on them. No, the tween Nazis I’m referring to is the young singing duo of Prussian Blue.

Prussian Blue consists of twin sisters Lamb and Lynx Gaede, who rose to popularity in 2003 as being the bright, blonde, blue-eyed girls who sang white nationalist pop. What, you weren’t into them? For some reason, I remember Molly and I being fascinated with these girls, mainly because we couldn’t believe they existed in real life.

For a little backstory, the twins were born Bakersfield, California and raised by parents April and Bill Gaede. Their mom was even a member of racist fringe groups including the National Alliance and the National Vanguard.

The girls began to write songs and learn how to play instruments, penning songs like “Hitler Is Our Hero” and “Aryan Man Awake”. They recorded two albums and even toured Europe, performing at white nationalist organizations. They even went on to say that they believed the Holocaust was a “myth,” and in fact, the name Prussian Blue refers to the by-product of the poisonous substance used to gas Jews in concentration camps. Classy kids, these two.

Their story was even transformed into a musical a few years ago called White Noise, a project even Whoopi Goldberg backed. While it didn’t find the steam to take it all the way to Broadway, one thing for sure is that Prussian Blue became the talk of newsmagazines across every major network, as these two ‘cherubic’ girls were being used to perpetuate white supremacist propaganda.

To give you a taste of their music, here’s a song called Victory Day. I really hate to give this video more views, but I feel like I need to give y’all proof that these girls were for real.

Anyone else offended by the fact that they became popular – but actually have horrible voices? I mean like, racism aside?

So where are these gals now, you ask? Are they still touring Europe with their inspirational songs?

Thank God, the answer is no. This is Lamb and Lynx Gaede today:

Total hipsters.

Now 21 years old, the girls moved from California to Montana (apparently their mom wanted to move to a more white state).  As of 2011, Lamb and Lynx put their hate pop careers behind them, insisting they don’t believe in the messages they used to sing about anymore.

In an interview in 2011, Lynx tried to explain why they got into the business in the first place, saying, “My sister and I were home-schooled. We were these country bumpkins. We spent most of our days up on the hill playing with our goats.”

Lamb adds, “I was just spouting a lot of knowledge that I had no idea what I was saying.”

So take note kids, if you want to become semi-successful in a very niche music market, just do what you’re told and don’t ask questions, even if they seem like they could be extremely offensive.

They both live in Montana still, with Lamb living on her own and working as a hotel maid, and Lynx lives with their mother, stepdad and half-sister, Dresden (the names of these children, good lord) in a home near Lamb. As a freshman in high school, Lynx was diagnosed with cancer and a large tumor was removed from her shoulder. She also suffers from a rare condition called CVS, Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome, which sounds like the most horrible disease in the world.

Unfortunately Lamb has suffered from a few health problems as well, including scoliosis and chronic back pain, as well as lack of appetite and emotional stress… wonder where that came from.

But the one thing that helps them get through the day? Pot. Yes, you read that right.

Lynx reveals, “I have to say, marijuana saved my life. I would probably be dead if I didn’t have it.”

In fact, the two made more history as they became one of the first five minors to get a medical marijuana card in Montana. What a great fun fact to use when forced to play icebreaker games in college.

Speaking of which, they still hope to enroll in college, and are on a mission to make medical marijuana legal all across the U.S. Meanwhile, they’re still keeping their artistic juices flowing, with painting and for Lynx, restoring old furniture.

While their mom believes their mild music stardom was just going to be “a little fun thing to do,” and the twins don’t exactly believe every wold they used to sing, they still have some traces of white supremacy in their ideology.

When asked about their outlook on the Holocaust now, Lynx replied, “I think certain things happened. I think a lot of the stories got misconstrued. I mean, yeah, Hitler wasn’t the best, but Stalin wasn’t, Churchill wasn’t. I disagree with everybody at that time.”

Lamb agreed with her sister and said, “I just think everyone needs to frickin’ get over it. That’s what I think. We just want to come from a place of love and light. I think we’re meant to do something more – we’re healers. We just want to exert the most love and positivity we can.”

There you have it folks. They’re healers now.

Playlist of the Month: Songs by High Schoolers

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It’s back to school time for all you kids out there! However, the last September that we headed back to high school, Mean Girls was in production and I was the first person I knew to go back to school with side bangs.

So, it was a while ago. And while our memory of high school isn’t as crisp as it used to be, we can be sure that we were not internationally-known recording artists. As if we didn’t feel old enough during this, the Tenth Anniversary Of Our Last First Day Of High School, here is a playlist comprised entirely of tracks by young artists who were still in high school at the time of recording.

Check out the entire playlist on Spotify!

Traci’s Picks

Name: Lorde
Song: Royals
Age of release: 16

If it seems like Lorde came out of nowhere, she did. New Zealand to be more exact. She released this song in her home country back in March, and months later, US stations began picking it up and now here we are. I can’t believe how great of an artist she is and how her voice is so unique and distinct. If you like this song, check out her new one, Team.

Name: Birdy
Song: Skinny Love
Age of release: 14

I feel like Birdy was hoping to be what Lorde is becoming now. A teenager from England, she covered this Bon Iver song and blew up shortly thereafter. She also earned her first Grammy nomination thanks to her awesome song with Grammy darlings Mumford and Sons, Learn Me Right, from the Brave soundtrack.

Name: Aaliyah
Song: Back and Forth
Age of release: 14

Despite the fact that R. Kelly was the first one to mentor her in the music industry and they were rumored to be dating, Aaliyah and R. Kelly made a classic 90s R&B song that kicked off her too short of a career. I don’t think anyone’s really been able to create the same magic since her, and this was the song that started it all.

Name: Destiny’s Child
Song: Say My Name
Age of release: 18 (all 4 members were 18!)

Listen, guys. Say My Name is probably my all time favorite DC3 song. And to think that if we went to the same high school, I’d be looking up to them as they were Seniors, being all cool and making hit songs and shit. Seniors in high school don’t make classic records like Writing’s on the Wall – they are too focused on getting into college and acting like the own the school and stuff. I guess Beyonce & co. owned pop music at the time, really.

Name: Michael Jackson
Song: Ben
Age of release: 14

Oh Michael. Little black Michael. Ben was the first song he recorded as a solo artist, but was still in Jackson 5 at the time of the release. It was the title song for the 1972 movie of the same name, and even though it’s essentially about a rat, it’s still a good song. Just forget about the rat part.

Molly’s Picks

Name: Jake Bugg
Age of release: 18
Song: Lightning Bolt

Back in June, I almost put Lorde on our summer playlist. Then I thought “I don’t know, this song has been out for a while. It’s  great… but it’s probably on the way down.” That song? Royals. Clearly I don’t know anything. So take this with a grain of salt: I think this kid is really good and might be going places.

Name: Brandy and Monica
Song: The Boy Is Mine
Age of release: 19 (Brandy), 17 (Monica)

Everything about this is awesome. In an awful way. Who could forget the probably fake drama that was concocted between the teen singers?  While not a technically good song, The Boy Is Mine is fun because it seldom comes up alongside the other cheesy 90s R&B tunes, so it’s always a fun surprise when you hear it. It’ll make you want to wear tims and head-to-toe Tommy Hilfiger like you wanted to in the late 90s.

Name: Hilary Duff
Song: Come Clean
Age of release: 16

I’m really embarrassed by how long it took me to choose between Come Clean and So Yesterday. Feel free to include both on your next Playlist Of (no) Shame.

Name: LL Cool J
Song: Rock The Bells
Age of release: 17

Before LL Cool J was a man with a hardworking publicist… before he guest-rapped on a track about a skinhead having a conversation about race in America with his barista… before he was the tough yet dad-ish agent on NCIS, LL Cool J was a teen rap phenom.

Name: Laura Marling
Song: New Romantic
Age of release: 17

Even when she was 16-17, Laura Marling was writing wonderfully clever lyrics. The difference is that in those first years some of her music had more of a Lily Allen, Kate Nash vibe than it does now. This and Ghosts were released around the same time and it was almost as hard as choosing between So Yesterday and Come Clean.

Kidz Bop Lyrics: Fact Or Fiction

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If you’ve been unfortunate enough to listen to Kidz Bop, there are a few things you’ll notice:

  • Not all of the lyric changes are even necessary to make things kid-appropriate
  • If lyrics reference alcohol, drug use, sex, or poor grammar, they will be changed to reference things like having fun with friends, eating food, or school.
  • Like Rated R movies dubbed for the USA network, much of the language makes absolutely no sense once it is cleaned up.
  •  Children in Kidz Bop songs say things that no child has said since the ‘50s. If ever.

Some of the following are real Kidz Bop lyric changes. Others are Cookies and Sangria Originals. Can you tell the difference? Answers are at the bottom of the post.

More Kidz Bop Gold

(1) Bandz a Make Her Dance (Juicy J)

  • Real Lyrics:

Bands a make her dance
Bands a make her dance
All these chicks popping pussy
I’m just popping bands
Bands a make her dance
Bands a make her dance
These chicks clappin’
And they ain’t using hands

  • Kidz Bop Lyrics:

Bands’ll make me dance

Bands’ll make me dance

All you kids are playing records

I like hearing bands!

Bands’ll make me dance

Bands’ll make me dance

All the kids are clapping

Let’s all clap our hands!

(2) Hot N Cold (Katy Perry)

  • Real Lyrics:

You change your mind like a girl changes clothes.

Yeah, you, PMS like a bitch I would know

And you over think, Always speak Critically

  • Kidz Bop Lyrics:

You change your mind like a girl changes clothes

Yeah, you change your mind like a girl I would know

And you always think, always speak cryptically

(3) The Lazy Song (Bruno Mars)

  • Real lyrics:

Tomorrow I’ll wake up, do some P90X

Meet a really nice girl, have some really nice sex

And she’s gonna scream out: ‘This is Great’ (Oh my God, this is great!) […]

I’ll just strut in my birthday suit

And let everything hang loose

  • Kidz Bop Lyrics:

Tomorrow I’ll wake up do some P90X

Meet a really nice girl, send a really nice text

And she’s gonna write back “you’re so great” ( OMG you’re so great) […]

I’ll just strut with nothing to do

And let everything go through

(4) Bitches Ain’t Shit (Dr Dre Featuring Snoop Dog)

  • Real lyrics:

Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks

Lick on these nuts and suck the dick

Get the fuck out after you’re done

And I hop in my ride to make a quick run…

I used to know a bitch named Eric Wright

We used to roll around and fuck the hoes at night

Tight than a motherfucker with the gangsta beats

And we was ballin’ on the motherfucking Compton streets

  • Kidz Bop Lyrics:

Bringin’ the chips, hohos, and twix

Licked all these nuts, and feelin’ sick

Get the fun dip after you’re done

And I hop on my bike to make a snack run…

I used to know a kid named Eric Wright

We used to run around, eat fudge the whole darn night

Treats that my mother found with the gummy b’s

And we were noshin’ on your mother’s stash of Cadburies

(5) Glad You Came (The Wanted)

  • Real lyrics:

Turn the lights out now

Now I’ll take you by the hand

Hand you another drink

Drink it if you can

  • Kidz Bop Lyrics:

Turn the lights out now

Now I’ll take you by the hand

Hand you another dance

Dance it if you can

(6) Get Lucky

  • Real lyrics:

We’ve come too far to give up who we are
So let’s raise the bar and our cups to the stars

She’s up all night ’til the sun
I’m up all night to get some
She’s up all night for good fun
I’m up all night to get lucky

  • Kidz Bop Lyrics:

We’ve come too far to give up who we are

So let’s raise the bar and look up to the stars

She’s up all night to the sun

I’m  up all night chewing gum

She’s up all night cause it’s fun

I’m  up all night, aren’t I lucky?

Answers: (1) Fiction (2) Fact (3) Fact (4) Fiction (5) Fact (6) Fiction. Thanks for playing!

Virtual Smash Club: Top Full House Musical Performances

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If there were some sort of Make A Wish-style foundation that granted the dreams of 20- and 30-somethings, I’d put Jimmy Fallon in charge of it. After all, if you were born between about 1975 and 1992, that man has probably already found a way of making your dreams come true. First, there was his campaign for a Saved By The Bell Reunion. Last week, Fallon topped that — he staged a Jesse and the Rippers reunion. At the Smash Club. With Danny and Becky in attendance.

Actually, if we were creating an early ’90s Living History museum experience, I’d put Jimmy Fallon in charge of that, too.

Jesse and the Rippers were just part of the Full House musical menu. For such an (admittedly) medicocre family sitcom, Full House was very music-heavy. Here are a few of the best:

Forever

My high school used to hold a vote for prom song. One year, a bunch of people voted for Forever as a joke. It won. Truly, nothing says “young love” better than the song Jesse wrote for his favorite Nebraskan tv journalist.

 Teddy Bear

When I re-watched this video, I thought it was a little over-the-top that Michelle got sent to bed by three men singing in harmony. Then, I remembered that when I was that age, I went through a phase when I couldn’t sleep if I thought the rest of my family was awake. My mom had everyone create a decoy bedtime – pajamas, prayers, everything. So, that’s probably worse. By the way, I didn’t find out about this until years later and I felt filthy that everybody was working together to trick me. It’s probably why I hate surprise parties.

The Sign

When I think of The Sign, I don’t even think of the Ace of Base version. I think of Stephanie, Gibbler, and that brazen hussy Gia totally butchering the pop song at a talent show, teaching us all a valuable lesson about the importance of practice. By the way, mashup artist Girl Talk named himself after this very band.*

Motown Philly

We never really heard about Stephanie’s dance classes. They never mentioned that someone had to drive her to a dance competition. You never saw her practicing or anything. But all of a sudden, there was a massive plot point that Stephanie was some kind of semi-professional child hip-hop dancer. She was up for a master class or camp or whatever good dance kids go to. I’m picturing something like Bela Karolyi’s gymnastics training center, but for dance and in San Francisco. Or, like Abbey Lee maybe. The point is, Stephanie pretended she didn’t know how to dance because she was scared of success. Funny, because “imposter syndrome” didn’t set in for me until I graduated law school – but then, Tanner was advanced. However, once she decided to sell the Motown Philly routine, that shit was sold.

Don’t Go Breaking My Heart

Whenever the Full House writers didn’t know where to go with the plot, they were like “okay, let’s just do a talent show, I guess?” These were Michelle’s friends, Derek and Lisa, who we wrote about in Where Are They Now: Minor Full House Characters. Did you know that after this episode, Elton John and Kiki Dee wrote a letter to the kid who played Derek, commending him on his performance — but snubbed Lisa?**

That stupid lollypop song

I’ve never watched a telethon on purpose. Nobody has. However, I’m pretty sure even for a telethon, this is bad. Somehow, the Tanners had to take the whole thing over. TV viewers were treated to Joey’s “comedy,” Steph’s hip hop dance stylings, and this – a teenage girl singing about buying candy. As a child, it made me want one of those giant Shirley Temple-style lollypops really bad. As an adult, it makes me cringe for Candace Cameron’s misspent teen years.

All those times The Beach Boys showed up

Inexplicably, the Tanners were friends with The Beach Boys. Every once in a while Brian Wilson would show up at that short-lived basement recording studio they had, or on the family’s Hawaiian vacation. I think the sister-dads were supposed to be superfans or something.

Oh, also, Little Richard was Jess Meriwether’s Denise’s uncle, because why not? Full House had given up on realism back when super-dedicated Motown Philly Steph became a girl who wouldn’t even practice her guitar for The Sign.

* That’s probably not very true.

** This is also, technically, untrue.

Playlist of the Month: Modern Day Fourth of July Songs

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Happy 4th of July! This is one of my favorite holidays. Not because I’m so into America (though I mean land of the free and all of that), but because it’s such a laid-back, no-expectations day that it can almost never disappoint you. As long as you have friends, fireworks, and food, you’re all set. The only thing missing is a good playlist — just call it our love letter to America.

Enjoy the entire playlist on Spotify!

Traci’s Picks:

Born to Run – Bruce Springsteen

You’re probably expecting Born in the USA. But I thought I’d throw a curveball, and also I like this song better.

Jack and Diane – John Mellencamp

This may be a little ditty about Jack and Diane (two American kids growing up in the Heartland), but apparently it’s also about the loss of innocence amongst teens. So yeah, kids in the USA go through life changing experiences, and that’s a part of American culture.

All-American Girl – Carrie Underwood

A touching tale of a boy who grows up, falls in love, gets married, and hopes for a son to carry on his football legacy, his dreams changed when he has a baby girl. An ‘All-American’ baby girl. But hey, it’s 2013, girls can play football too. Theoretically.

Summer Nights – Rascal Flatts

Fourth of July obviously means summertime, and this is a great song to play if you’re chillin in the back of your friend’s pickup truck drinking an ice cold Budwiser in the middle of a corn field. Note: I’ve never done this, I just imagine that’s what kids in the country too.

Sweet Caroline – Neil Diamond

I think my thing with Fourth of July songs is that I picked songs that everyone knows. Independence day is celebrating America- One Nation, Under God, etc. etc. What better way to come together as a whole than by singing a song together that everyone knows? In saying that, Sweet Caroline personally reminds me of the Red Sox and Fenway Park – baseball, Americana, etc. And the ‘Ba Ba Ba’? Who doesn’t love a good ‘Ba Ba Ba’?

Party in the USA – Miley Cyrus

Because, America.

Molly’s picks:

America, Fuck Yeah – Team America: World Police

On the 4th of July, you will be hearing a lot of soaring, majestic numbers about amber waves of grain and there being ain’t no doubt you love this land. Fine. But I like an America that can laugh at itself. LOL jingoism.

Under The Boardwalk – The Drifters

Independence day barbecues are all about the cheerful oldies. You need to play a selection of the summery ones – whether it’s this song, Summer In The City, Surfin’ USA, Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini … whatever it takes to make you feel like Megan Draper without all the, you know, troubles.

Electric Feel – MGMT

    If I picture outdoor summer parties from the past 6 years or so, this song is always playing. I don’t know who made the rule that every 20-something’s summer party in the 2010s has to play MGMT, but the rule exists and you may as well follow it.

Summertime – DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince

    Right?! Right.

At The Beach – The Avett Brothers

    If it’s 4th of July, I need some kind of country or folksy music. It’s no wonder that the best 4th of July celebration I’ve been to was in Nashville. Something about the modern version of country/bluegrass/folk just makes me really happy to be from the good ol’ U.S. of A. So put on Devil Makes Three, or the Avett Brothers, or Father John Misty, or Old Crow Medicine Show, or whatever, and thank God that you live in America.

American Pie – Don MacLean

    Everybody knows this song, everybody loves this song, and it’s one of the best singalong tunes I know. Plus the word “American” is in it so… you know.

10 Catchiest Wordless TV Theme Songs

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For years, instrumental TV theme songs were de rigour. Then, sometime in the mid-to-late 60s, somebody realized that you could sum up the entire premise of the show in a one-minute, three-verse song. Writers didn’t have to add in any exposition! Keep in mind, this was before the age of a two-minute “previously, on ____” preceding every 42-minute program. Viewers needed some way to know what they were getting into.

As time wore on, more generic theme songs took hold, usually about themes like friendship (Golden Girls) or family (Full House, Family Matters). By the mid-90s, tv themes had become chart toppers in their own right, and I still get a little giddy when the Friends theme pipes onto the radio.

Commercial breaks expanded, and run times contracted. Networks had to cut something from their shows, and theme songs were the first to go. By season 9, the Friends theme was about 12 words long. Other themes were reduced to a single line, followed by a nonsense word (Friendship is family forever…. toodles!). Don’t believe me? The Mike And Molly song is 17 seconds long. 10 words.

In tv theme songs – as in fashion and politics – the pendulum always swings back eventually. Instrumental theme songs are it again. I’ll be damned if they aren’t darn catchy, too.

Mad Men

A great title sequence calls for a great theme song. There’s a bit of a tense, Hitchcock-y buildup, so you know there’s going to be drama. But then the cymbals kick in, so you’re pretty sure there will be fun times and laughs, too. Who needs three verses explaining Don Draper’s back story when you have that? (I would actually benefit from three verses explaining Don Draper’s back story).

The Simpsons

I started watching The Simpsons almost as soon as it aired, even though I was barely a toddler. My mom didn’t approve of Bart’s attitude, but that didn’t mean we weren’t allowed to watch it. It just meant that my brothers and I had to go upstairs to do it. This really typifies my parents’ child-rearing philosophy. Like, my room could be messy for a while, but my door had to be closed. Hi, I’m half Irish Catholic, if you couldn’t tell.

Anyway, the most exciting part of the show when I was 4 or 5 was “the couch” – the sight gag at the end of the credits when the family piled onto the sofa. To get to it, you had to sit through a rollicking tour of Springfield. Danny Freakin’ Elfman, you guys. Genius.

30 Rock

Totally jazzy and New York-y. Oddly, more of an early-60s feel than the Mad Men theme. Jeff Richmond is without a doubt one of the great tv composers of our day. His wife’s pretty cool too I guess.

Parks and Recreation

Upbeat and spirited, this is like a theme song for optimism itself. Will Leslie Knope prevail? Of course she will. You don’t write a theme like this for someone who’s anything less than triumphant.

Boy Meets World

I have so much trouble finding people who remember the original Boy Meets World theme. We all remember the generic 90s tune of the later seasons (when this boy meets world — boy meets wor-or-orld – travelin down this road that we call ly-eeef –). But, do you remember the synth-y yet magestic tune of the first season? Extra bonus, the entire title sequence looks like it was created on Microsoft Paint, pre-Windows ‘95.

Because we all still  love the Boy Meets World cast, enjoy this behind-the-scenes info from the filming of the later title sequence:

Law And Order

I don’t know if it’s the solid bass backbeat, the twangy guitar, or the — is that a clarinet?? — but if you blindfolded a person who had never seen Law and Order, played this sequence, and asked them what this show was about, they’d be like “police procedural set in a big city? Early 90s?” I like the moment about 50 seconds in when you think that it’s over, then the music kicks back up, like “just kidding!” Am I overthinking it if I think that’s supposed to evoke the moment ⅘ of the way through the show when you think they got the bad guy but it was a different bad guy? Yeah, I thought so.

Batman

This doesn’t all-the-way qualify, because they say Batman a crazy number of times. By the end of it, it’s like when you repeat a word multiple times and it stops sounding like a word. I also notice that the way kids sing “na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!” doesn’t sound much like this. See, I find that children are terrible at most things because they haven’t been alive very long.

What’s amazing is that even though this is a superhero cartoon, it kind of sounds like 1960s beach music, too. Except for the part where they won’t stop saying Batman.

Doug

I think in this context, “do” isn’t a word.

Babar

Oh, Babar. The show I always saw 20 minutes of because it was on HBO right before I had to leave for church in the morning. Babar was a gentle, sweet show (about colonialism), so this lovely little melody fits perfectly. Unless, that is, crazy, terrible shit always started to go down in the final 10 minutes.

Leave it To Beaver

    When you listen to this peppy, spirited little tune, you just know that for the next half-hour you are going to be in a world where the biggest problem is an 8-year-old with a slingshot. If only that darn announcer would just shut up.

Honorable mention: Clarissa Explains it all

Just a cheerful, energetic number featuring a 14-year-old girl dressed like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. I had to DQ it from the list proper because there were a few too many words in there.

Honorable mention: Andy Griffith Show

This theme song is iconic and completely evocative of the show. I’m not denying that. Here’s the thing, though. When I was in elementary school, our music director decided to debut a sung version of this song at the spring concert. It wasn’t even my grade doing it, but all I can think of when I hear this song is 40 eight-year-olds with recorders trying to squeak out the melody, then putting them down to sing about a fishin’ hole.  It was actually way more cute when Andy Griffith sang it than when two classes of third graders did it, who would have thought?

Also, I know this makes me sound like a dour and joyless person, but I can’t stand when people whistle, and this song just encourages it.

Playlist of the Month: On the Road Again

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This is a special time of year for us here at Cookies + Sangria. Both of us consider the time we left our study abroad countries as an “anniversary” of sorts, and we’re both at 7 years now. It’s hard to believe, frankly. Although the whole “college girl who goes abroad and learns about the world and herself” thing is a bit of a cliche, that’s exactly what happened for us.

We’ve both spent our fair share of time on the road and in the air since then, and we still love a good travelin’ song. Hopefully you do, too. Bon voyage, nos amis!

Check out the full playlist on Spotify!

Molly’s Picks:

Travel Light by Johnny Flynn and Laura Marling

When I was an astronaut I didn’t have my boots, When I was a coal miner I didn’t have the news, When I was a record store I didn’t have the blues, I travel light and that’s the life for me.

This is one of my personal travel anthems, and it doesn’t make a half-bad life anthem, either. Originally recorded by Diane Cluck and Jeffrey Lewis, I much prefer the Flynn/Marling cover.

Shambala by Three Dog Night

Everyone is lucky, everyone is so kind, On the road to Shambala

In Nicaragua, our driver had a CD with about 5 tracks on it. We listened to it about 900 times over the course of a month. This was one of those songs, and it always brings me back to that hot, dusty village. Maybe an odd pick, but for me it sums up those perfect travel experiences where everyone you meet on the road is helpful and kind.

California by Joni Mitchell

They said “How long can you hang around?”/ I said a week maybe two, Just until my skin turns brown

On more long-term trips out of the country, it’s a weird, ambivalent thing thinking about your homeland from abroad. You’re sort of enchanted with everything you see, and you’re sort of ready to pack up and head home, too. Not that home is perfect: Joni was writing during Vietnam, and I was traveling a lot during the worst of the Iraq mess. Travel can magnify your home country’s flaws and make you miss it terribly all at the same time.

Elias by Dispatch

Distance is short when your hand carries what your eye found

When I left Spain, I learned one of the secrets of traveling: if you do it right, it means that wherever you go, you will always miss someone. I missed my friends and family in the U.S. during my months abroad, but when I came home, I missed my friends and “family” in Madrid. It’s worth making personal connections with people you meet on your travels, even if you have to accept that you may go the rest of your life without seeing them again.

Clean Getaway by Maria Taylor

He felt just like love. Except no fear of losing, and it wasn’t tough.

It’s so amazing when you travel that wherever you are is just plain home to someone else. Rather than making you feel empty that you’re anonymous, it mostly just feels free. This one reminds me of moving to a city where I didn’t know a soul but my own, which is always good to do in your early 20s (before, like a used car, your shock absorbers start to go).

Honorary mentions: I love Safe Travels (Don’t Die), but it’s more relevant when somebody else is doing the traveling. Chicago is another travel song I love, but like most Sufjan Stevens tunes, it means about 3 different things to me and will probably find its way onto a different Playlist of the Month anyway.

Traci’s Picks:

3×5 by John Mayer

Today skies are painted in a cowboy cliche. Strange how clouds that look like mountains in the sky are next to mountains anyway.
This is a travelin’ song if I ever heard one. Driving down the road, taking in nature, the sights, but it doesn’t mean anything if you don’t have someone you care about sharing it with you. Not to mention the instrumentals are a perfect background for his picturesque lyrics. It just feels like you’re on the move.

Going Home by Marc Broussard

You know I was born to roam.

In the same vein as 3×5, this jam has a general driving/travel theme in the lyrics, and the music feel like you’re on an old-timey train – like Hogwarts Express – going through the US to your love.

Cathedrals by Jump Little Children

In the cathedrals of New York and Rome, there is a feeling that you should just go home – and spend a lifetime finding out just where that is.

When I studied abroad, I discovered this song and it really hit me. I had this weird emotion where I wanted to be back home in America, where everything was familiar, and where my friends and family were. But at the same time I wanted to explore every single city in Europe – a place where I was slowly calling home too.

Chocolate by Snow Patrol

This could be the very minute I’m aware I’m alive. All these places feel like home.

Gosh, if there was a scene in my autobiographical movie, where I was running through the streets of a foreign country with a handsome man and exploring everything, it would be set to this song.

Heads Carolina, Tails California by Jo Dee Messina

We can pack up tomorrow. Tonight, let’s flip a coin.

Ok, this song is admittedly corny, but we played this on our road trip from the east coast to LA constantly. The idea of just packing up and not knowing where to go next was an idea that I would never dare to do, but our semi-planned drive across the country was the closest thing I’ll ever get to flipping a coin and leaving.

The Longest Relationship I’ve Been In Has Made Me Reflect On My Life

Posted in Entertainment, GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by

The year was 1995 *cue old grandpa voice*, I was on a field trip during summer day camp at the local roller skating rink, Horizon Fun FX. We were playing one of those mandatory group games which requires going to four corners or something, idk. All I knew was that I wanted out immediately because I’m not that good at skating and I don’t like group games. I’m also not good at summer camp. Anyways, my younger Kindergarten friend ended up winning said game, and her “prize” was a cassette tape single of Backstreet Boys’ We’ve Got it Goin’ On (looking back, it was clearly free promo swag that Horizon needed to give away, not a special once in a lifetime prize like I thought). Kindergarten friend came up to me and said, “I don’t want this, do you?” I looked at her incredulously and said, “BACKstreet Boys?? I’ve heard of BLACKstreet, but not BACKstreet.”

Cut to me buying the very CD We’ve Got It Goin’ On was featured on, and me looking like this for the next few (18) years:

Since that summer’s day in ’95, I went to every single concert tour, lined my childhood bedroom with posters and clippings from teen magazines, purchased every piece of paraphernalia you can think of, voted incessantly for their music videos on TRL, and even used to buy two copies of each album – one in CD format and one in cassette format, because you know, just in case. Basically I was the epitome of a teenybopper. Perhaps it was your worst nightmare, but it was some of the best days of my life.

I’ve stayed a fan to this day, and although I don’t get as fangirl-y as I used to, the excitement is still there. These five boys have really been only one the most constant presences in my life. Friends have come and gone over the years, but my love for their music and how it makes me feel has never left.

The guys celebrated their 20th anniversary on April 20th (yes, you’re/we’re that old), and I was lucky enough to attend a special fan celebration they held here in Hollywood. I got there about two hours early, waiting in the hot LA sun with a bunch of girls/women my age, who had also grown up with them. People were wearing shirts from tours past, and someone in front of me even put to use an old BSB branded metal lunchbox (which I also had, but did not bring with me) as a purse. After hours of waiting, we were clearly hot, thirsty, hungry, and all waayy too old to be doing this shit anymore. The atmosphere has since changed since my first BSB concert back in 1999. More people were looking for seats to sit down in rather than rushing towards the front of the stage, and alcoholic beverages were being thrown back everywhere you look. But the feeling is still there – we were all excited to see the Backstreet Boys.

To add to the 20th anniversary celebration, the boys also received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame that following Monday. Obviously this is a big deal for any entertainer, but as each of them went up to speak at the ceremony, you could tell that this meant a great deal to them. For all but one (stoic Howie D) was overcome with emotion and brought to tears with the long journey it’s taken to arrive at that very moment.

AJ (my boo) said, “Aside from my wedding day and the birth of my daughter, this is by far the best day in my life.”

Kevin, who if you don’t know, left the group circa 2006 and officially rejoined this year, added, “Who would have thought 20 years ago, when we began this journey together that this would be a stop along the way? The first time the five of us sang together it was a Boyz II Men song. We picked up those harmonies and that was it. It was on.” (Feel free to listen, and not watch because they look horrendous, to their a cappella cover of End of the Road)

And guess whose star is planted right next to theirs? Yup, Boyz II Men.

As I watched the live stream of the ceremony, I too was brought to tears, not only because I cry easily, but because I felt like I was going through the same emotions they were. They’ve gone through surgeries, breakups, rehab, a man swindling millions from them, marriage, babies, and more – and they never could have imagined that they would be among those forever cemented in Hollywood history.

backstreet-boys-600

That day at work, I was wrote a story about one of the big entertainment news items of the day: BSB getting a star on the walk of fame. There I was, scrolling through professional press pictures of these five guys, whose faces were plastered all over my walls and notebooks and anything else you can imagine. I couldn’t help but think the same thing Kevin thought, “Who would have thought 18 years ago, when I got that cassette tape that I would be getting paid to write about my favorite band?”

I was hit with an incredible sense of surrealism. I started off the day watching the live stream of the Walk of Fame ceremony on my computer in my apartment, had to leave for work, so I streamed it on my phone because I’m insane, and literally drove past a closed off Hollywood Boulevard because they were getting their star, only to arrive to my place of employment where I was being compensated to spout off my BSB knowledge? This can’t be my life.

I know this all sounds really cheesy, so thanks for sticking with me this far. But in that moment of realization, I felt incredibly #blessed and thankful that a nine-year-old fangirl from Rochester, NY could make it to Los Angeles and have a veritable dream job that allows me to write this stuff. I try my best not to sound jaded or show off-y or cynical about my job or life in general, but everything that I’ve done, everywhere I’ve been in the past 18 years was worth all the worrying – the crying, the ‘what the fuck am I gonna do next’ questions – because it led to something that is perfect for me.

At the ceremony, the guys chose “superfan” Lori Meono to say a little speech on behalf of the fans. She said, “They have created the soundtrack for my most memorable moments… from braces to bridal showers, to Happy Meals and heartbreaks, the Backstreet Boys have been there consistently through it all.”

And it’s true. It’s why you’ll see fans waiting overnight and lined up around the block in order to attend the 20th Anniversary party. If BSB isn’t your jam, replace it with another music group, a favorite sports team, what have you. They have helped you get through things in a way no one else could, and induced joy and happiness that is incomparable. Being a Backstreet Boys fan hasn’t always been easy since a lot of people don’t take them seriously, and I get that. But I would never take back the past 18 years of my life. They’ve been the only thing I’ve consistently followed and liked for nearly two decades, and really, has been the longest relationship of my life. As much as the boys have grown up since 1993, their fans have too. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.