Adam Rippon, America’s Valentine

Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone, but most especially to America’s newest sweetheart, Adam Rippon!

If you have been following the 2018 Winter Olympic Games in Pyeongchang, you will already be familiar with Adam as the fiercest figure skater and ready-for-the-runway glamazon bitch, always ready with great eyebrows and a witty quip for Andrea and all of us.

If you haven’t, perhaps a little explanation is necessary.

Adam Rippon has been on the figure skating scene for a long while, but at 28 these are his first Olympics. Bummed we didn’t get to watch him in 2014? Don’t be. It’s the DGAF-ness that comes in your late 20s that makes Adam so endearing. You want examples? We’ve got examples, Valentines.

Let’s start with skating. If you missed this performance in the team event, get ready to have your heart ripped out of your chest and triple-axele double-toe double-looped across the ice. YouTube is I guess being very strict about Olympic vids but just go to NBC.

Also the scoring was a little garbage (in the words of Johnny Weir, first place skater Kolyada was “oatmeal”)  but we all know that figure skating’s scoring system needs work.

Adam’s not concerned, though. He came to play. And he’s going to celebrate later by going to Target, which is pretty darn relatable:

Adam has supporters all across the globe, but a few famous ones include Elmo:

And let’s not forget Reese Witherspoon, because all Adam wants to do is maker her proud. Olympic figure skaters, they’re just like us!

Reese was very proud indeed, and Adam dedicated the medal to his mom, “but more to [Reese] in a way, because she has more followers on Instagram”:

He calculates that Reese has probably spent, like, three minutes of her life composing tweets to him, which is a pretty big deal when you think of how busy she is with the next season of Big Little Lies and the spring Draper James collection, among other things.

Adam is Olympic roomies with Mirai Nagasu and their friendship is everything. They’ve been friends for a decade and during the 2014 Olympics they were eating hamburgers on a rooftop waiting for their time to shine.

I have seen brides and grooms watch their spouses walk down the aisle with less love and pride than Adam watches Mirai skate with.

Although every Olympian needs supporters, you know who the real motivators are: haters.

 

A few haters have reached out to Adam over Twitter, and our precious glamazon bitch ready for the runway has a few words for them:

My favorite thing about Adam, other than his sense of humor and general cheekbone situation, is his confidence. He encourages everyone to be who they are:

I mean. This is a man who skated after singing Rhianna’s Diamonds in an exhibition, and it was GOOD. He explained that he is always changing it up, “always trying to keep these bitches on their toes.”

Believe it or not, Adam is the FIRST openly gay athlete to qualify for the Winter Olympics. There have been other athletes who weren’t out at the time they competed, and this year’s Olympics also feature out skier Gus Kenworthy. They’re certified cuties:

In case you’re wondering if that tweet was directed at … anyone … in particular… the answer is of course, yes.

Mike Pence is in Pyeongchang ‘supporting’ the U.S. athletes, and also believes that you should shock gay kids into becoming straight sad gay kids. Does Adam have anything to say to Pence? Not particularly, no.

 

Basically, Adam is using his platform to raise the voice of others who are affected by Pence’s views – saying “right now I have a voice and I think it’s really important for me to use it” – but these Olympics aren’t about Pence. They’re about athletic, hard-working attractive people who are much funnier on social media … and being America’s sweetheart:

Adam has also used his platform to highlight the body image issues and disordered eating common among male athletes in the figure skating world.

Anyway, vice presidents aside, at the end of the day a gay athlete is just like a straight athlete with better eyebrows:

 

So, should YOU go to the Olympics? Adam highly recommends it if you ever have the option.

As for Valentines, I’m afraid Adam already has the best one in all of South Korea, saying “nobody loves me as much as I love me; so I guess I’ll just be my own Valentine tomorrow.”

On this February 14th, let’s remember the truly important thing:

Happiest of Valentine’s Days to our beloved runway-ready Glamazon Bitch.

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Unimpressive Olympic Sports of Yore

Every two years, I always watch in awe of the Olympians who are the greatest athletes in their respective sports. “How do you throw a javelin stick that far?” “How do you run so fast so far in less than 10 seconds?” “How are you doing a proper push-up on a v high bar?” “How are you swimming a marathon in the sea with jellyfish?” “Is this the best way for a human to get down a mountain?” These are just a few questions I ask myself when tuning in to these Games. Of course the skill level of any Olympian is impressive, but the athletes of the first Olympiad are amateurs compared to those in 2018. This improvement is so drastic in some sports that it seems ridiculous to even call it an Olympic sport. For example: Men’s vault in 1932 (see video here).

Homeboy just leaped over the vault while the South Korean dude did a bunch of flip-a-doos (technical term, don’t worry about it), and I guarantee you the crowds at both Olympics had their jaws dropped.

Let’s look at some early figure skating. Herma Szabo was undeniably graceful, but this barely looks like a warmup in modern terms:

 

Here are a few more sports from back in the day that aren’t as impressive as they are now. Also, I’m convinced we can do half of these if we tried really hard.

Tug of War

Tug of War is obviously not a sport anymore, and maybe it’s because it doesn’t require a lot of technical skill? Yes, you need extreme strength, but if it’s a sport kids play in elementary school when the gym teacher doesn’t really want to put too much effort in, it shouldn’t be a real sport.

Women’s Team Gymnastics

The sport of gymnastics has come far from the 1900s. Back then, large groups of gymnasts represented each country and took to the center of an outdoor field to do… gymnastics? Or rather really graceful dance/tai chi movements. Meanwhile, the men performed on actual apparatus like vault and parallel bars. See: The Margaret Abbott Awards.

Water Motorsports

Literal motorboating was only a sport at the 1908 Olympics, and it was discontinued for good reason – officials decided they were not ready for motorized competition. The race was comprised of five laps around an eight nautical mile course. Unlike a water sport like kayaking, athletes didn’t have hurdles or gates they had to clear, and also they had the assistance of a motor. I mean, have you seen the arms on Olympic rowers?

Croquet

Is it because I don’t understand why croquet is a thing people play in the first place? Yeah, probably. Like motorboating, croquet only lasted once, played during the 1900 Summer Games in Paris. Those French, man.

Live Pigeon Shooting

Look. We hate pigeons too, but this just seems a little extra. The 1900 gold medalist killed a whopping 21 pigeons. RIP.

Alpinism

When we were teens, one of our favorite gym class units was “orienteering.” Basically, we were sent into the large field between our school and our school’s abandoned priest mansion with a compass and had to follow directions. It was arguably athletic (we walked?) but definitely not a sport. Alpinism is like the Olympic version of that. In short, they climbed a mountain. Impressive, yes. Sport? Nah.

This event was a real stretch because they didn’t blow a whistle and send a pack of athletes up a mountain. That would have been the Agro Crag, and we would have loved it. They just awarded medals to whoever had climbed a mountain the best since the last Olympics. Medals were awarded during the winter games in 1924 and the summer games in 1932 and 1936.

Rope Climbing

The good news is this isn’t a crowd of Victorians standing in front of a gallows. The bad news is you can no longer get an Olympic medal for climbing a big rope. This event actually made it through 5 Olympics. 1904 winner George Eyser even had one wooden leg! And from the looks of it, two skinned hands.

Tandem Cycling

Tandem cycling – AKA two men on a bicycle built for two – was an Olympic event for decades. We’d argue that it was objectively the most adorable of all Olympic events and hereby ship every damn one of these 1924 couples.

Ski Joring

If you asked me what ‘joring’ is, I’d probably answer “not sure, but it sounds like an old activity from the 1920s.” And it is! In the 1928 Olympics athletes were pulled on skis by horses. That’s what joring is. Also, this looks like (a) a blast and (b) a sport that takes place right where you’re NOT supposed to hang out in relation to a horse.

Ski Ballet

Not only was ski ballet a thing, ski ballet was a thing until 2000! And while doing ballet on skis truly IS impressive, all I can picture is a clumsy mess with skis, arms and legs akimbo.

Military Patrolling

In a nutshell, people cross-country ski with heavy backpacks and then they shoot rifles, but not at anybody. To be very honest, if this sport would help certain people feel like they’ve proven that their country has good army men without getting into a nuclear war or putting those army men in actual danger, I am very for it.