#SmartGirlsAsk at the Emmy Awards

There’s a scene in Gilmore Girls when Lorelai makes fun of Rory (and Chris’) obsession with their new Sidekicks. REMEMBER SIDEKICKS??? Anyways, her line has always stuck out to me as quoteworthy and comical, mainly because of the nonsense questions she’s asking and at the even faster rate than normal she’s asking them in.

Now I’ve never been on a red carpet and been bombarded with a million questions by pushy reporters and photographers, but I imagine this is what it would be like, but like 50 Lorelais all at once.

About a year or so ago, there was a movement called #AskHerMore, which encouraged reporters to inquire about more than just “who are you wearing” to women on the red carpet. About a year ago, Amy Poehler’s Smart Girls at the Party started their own version using the hashtag #SmartGirlsAsk. They asked followers and celebs alike to send in their questions to stars at the Emmys, and since it went swimmingly before, they did it again this past Sunday. Here are some of the best questions and the best answers from the best people in the biz.

Obvs we have to start with our boo. Remember when Amy Poehler used to provide us with infinite wisdom via her Ask Amy video blogs? I miss those. This will do.

I admit I had to look up with this hilarious gal is, and research tells me she’s on Transparent, a show I have yet to watch. But I am living for her honesty.

If you’re wondering who the two girls are on either side of Ellie, they’re Cydnee and Gretchen all glammed up. They sure do look different out of their bunker gear.

Same, Aziz. Same. *also featuring special cameos by two girls I went to college with*

Happiness is being able to live in a world with KBell.

I also like to listen to Tony Goldwyn’s smooth, silky, sexy voice if I’m feeling stressed.

GIMME, GIMME MO(O)RE, GIMME MO(O)RE, GIMME (MANDY) MO(O)RE!

Pls refer to our Emmys post for why I am obsessed with Yara Shahidi.

Truly unbreakable.

This video was taken B.E. = Before Emmy. EMMY WINNER TATIANA MASLANY.

This kid.

Sometimes I forget how much I liked Downton Abbey.

Pop Culture Blind Spot: Ghost

In honor of it being October and all, I figured my Pop Culture Blind Spot should be Halloween appropriate, hence, Ghost… Get it? This is the movie where they’re all dressed like this, right?

JK, I’m not that dumb.

I somehow missed out on a bunch of hit 80s/early 90s movies, as evidenced from my last post about Dirty Dancing (am I secretly on a Patrick Swayze binge? Maybe). But Ghost was also re-brought to my attention recently after listening to Aisha Tyler’s Girl on Guy podcast from May, when she interviews America’s favorite philandering fictional president, Fitzgerald Grant, aka Tony Goldwyn. If you have 2 hours to spare and are a Scandal/Fitz fan, you should probs listen to this (interview is here!). So they obviously discussed his role in Ghost, and I remembered that I haven’t actually seen the movie. Weirdly enough, my first real introduction was in the form of the musical adaptation during the national tour last year.

Prior to seeing the musical, I knew this about Ghost: Patrick Swayze is a ghost who maybe was dating Demi Moore and comes back to haunt her? Fitz from Scandal is the bad guy and Whoopi has a miscellaneous part.

And although I saw the musical recently, my knowledge is scant, Whoopi is a psychic and someone gets shot? Lit’rally saw it a year ago but don’t really remember what happened. I also figured the musical is a bit different from the OG movie.

So here we go – first time watching Ghost for real real – my body is ready for you young Fitz. (It’s on Netflix Instant if you want to follow along!)

Title credits are happening as the camera pans over a dark and dusty attic. It’s already more freaky sounding than I thought? It’s like the precursor to the Are You Afraid of the Dark? intro.

how

:03 TONY GODWYN ABS MAN HAS NOT CHANGED ALSo that was a typo. I somehow skipped the ‘L’ in Goldwyn but that’s gonna stay that way moving forward.

:05 The office office looks like Sterling Cooper in the 1980s. Patrick Swayze is Jon Hamm and Tony Godwyn is Pete Campbell. Except way hotter

:07 For some reason, they’re lifting an angel up into their apartment (FORESHADOWING??)

Forgot Demi’s name is Molly, and suddenly remembered the Molly, You in Danger Girl GIF. V excited about seeing its origin.

:10 Sam (PSwayze) is looking a little concerned, and tells Molly, “Whenever anything good in my life happens, I’m just afraid I’m gonna lose it.” More foreshadowing?!

:12 Even for 1990 that record player looks super futuristic.
 Ah yes, the pottery scene. I get why people think this is sexy but I’m just thinking how messy this is going to be and what a pain it’s going to be to clean up.

Wait they went from the pottery tutorial straight to having sex in the middle of their living room! But their hands are clean!!

:15 LOL at these old DOS screens Sam and Carl (T Godwyn) are using at work. How did we ever get stuff done on those things? Also, why type of company is this? A run-of-the-mill financial firm? I think I missed something.

Knowing Godwyn is the villain is totally changing how I’m watching him in this movie, because I’m looking for hints to his evilness now (this is along the same lines of why I hate spoilers). Per his interview with Aisha Tyler, Tony was recalling how during his audition, he was playing the Carl role as a sympathetic nice guy, but the director didn’t want him to do that, insisting that the viewers need to know he’s evil. But Tony argued, “‘I’m not doing that. You have to invest the audience in this character and make them hopefully fall in love with them and then the betrayal will be that much worse. You want to make them believe that I’m their (Molly & Sam’s) friend’. So I stuck to my guns and (director) Jerry was like, ‘You were right.'”

:19 Sam: “I say I love you all the time”, Molly: “No, you say Ditto.”

After seeing Macbeth on Broadway (Sam fell asleep), they walk home and talk about getting married when a guy appears from the shadows and attempts to rob Sam at gunpoint. Sam tries to retaliate and the mugger ends up shooting and subsequently killing him.

OK BUT ALSO why were you guys walking on a street with no street lights and at a leisurely pace late at night what did you think was gonna happen also how is it possible there’s no one out IT’S THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS.

:21 The blood looks so fake? There’s also a lot of it, but they take Sam to the hospital anyways.
:25 This old guy shows up to the hospital like hes been trolling the place forever and said of a guy doctors are attending to in the ER, ‘He’s not gonna make it. I’ve seen it a million times.’ What is the quality of this hospital?

Omg the special effects are like the magic school bus level when someone goes through Sam

:29 Molly & Sam’s cat just screamed and ran away after looking into Ghost Sam’s eyes. Nine lives and all, amirite?

:31 The mugger sneaks into Molly and Sam’s apartment looking for something, but let’s get down to it – why is there is so much crime in NY rn?

Molly comes back in and he sneakily watches her change her clothes. What a perv. GS manages to leverage the cat to jump and scratch the mugger, and he escapes because, he ain’t messin with no cat.

Molly hears noises (the mugger leaving her gd apartment) and says, “Is somebody there? Hello” YES SOMEONE’S THERE LOCK YOUR DOORS THERE IS CRIME

Well there’s one pro to being a ghost: free subway rides.

:35 This dude just attacks Ghost Sam because it’s “his train”??? Get a grip. Can’t a ghost just ride the train freely?

:38 Ghost Sam spots what I assume is Whoopi’s storefront as “Spiritual Advisor” who contacts the “dearly departed”. Is this the same thing as Long Island Medium?

This entire scene looks like a set up to steal customer Mrs. Santiago’s money. I mean look at Oda Mae’s outfit 
Also shouldn’t she be feeling the presence of Ghost Sam in the room? I wrote this script, it’s fine.

:44 “Are you white? It’s a white guy!” Oda Mae, getting to the bottom of things.

:47 Ghost Sam sings obnoxious diddies as a way to get Oda Mae to visit Molly so he can talk through her, including I’m Henry The Eighth I Am and 99 Bottles of Beer. Yup, he’s definitely white.

To be fair, both Molly & Oda Mae have vaild points in this – Molly doesn’t want to believe her dead boyfriend is talking through a rando “spiritual advisor”, while Oda Mae just wants to get this white guy out of her head.

:53 MOLLY – YOU IN DANGER, GIRL! I’M DYING THIS SCENE IS AMAZING I GET WHY WHOOPI WON AN OSCAR

Guys, Tony Goldwyn is SO HOT in this movie I cannot. But also, he hired this dude to steal Sam’s wallet but ended up murdering him? All for $80,000? Hope it was worth it.  Also how did Carl even get in contact with Willie Lopez?? Craigslist on the DOS?

1:06 Molly finds the penny in a jar Sam found the first day they were tearing down the apartment and smashes it to bits. RIP Sam. RIP lucky singular penny in a jar.

1:08 For selfish reasons, I would like to see Tony Godwyn in a sex scene right now, but preferably not with Molly because that would be horrible.

look at that face. look at that chest.

AS SOON AS I STOPPED TYPING THAT Carl purposefully spills HOT coffee on his shirt as an excuse to take it off and flaunt himself in front of Molly I’m dead. *Not as dead as Ghost Sam I asked for it and it started happening and I’m not okay with it. I just – what if Kerry Washington showed up and there was an Olitz scene I’d be fine with that. I’ve been watching too much Scandal.

1:12 Sam’s back on the train and sticking his head through the train in a hilarious fashion

Train Ghost is teaching him how to move objects.

“YOU AIN’T GOT A BODY NO MORE, SON” – Train Ghost, channeling Alexander Hamilton in Meet Me Inside

1:20 All the ‘spooks’ are in Oda Mae’s office because they somehow heard she can actually channel the dead. Some ghost named Orlando takes over Oda Mae’s body and Whoopi is killing it as this 50ish year old black guy. It’s legit as if this dude took over her body, it’s fantastic.

1:23 Ode Mae’s “I have a formal meeting at the bank to pass as someone who looks like they normally go to these meetings” outfit is *on fleek* 

Ghost Sam is instructing Oda Mae to get money out of some account before Carl can get to it and it requires him talking through her again and I would watch a spin off this if I could

1:30 Ghost Sam forces Oda Mae to give the $4 mil to some nuns, prompting her to say the second best quote in the movie:

Oda Mae Brown: I know you don’t think I’m giving this 4 million dollars to a bunch of nuns!
Sam: Think of it this way, you’ll go to Heaven.
Oda Mae Brown: I don’t want to go to Heaven, I want to go to the bank and cash a GODDAMN CHECK!

Carl checks on his account that he’s planning on swindling money from and he freaks out bc it’s not there and he’s literally sweating trying to find out where the money went

1:35 HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Carl is BUGGIN because Ghost Sam is haunting him, so he goes to Molly’s apartment, covered in sweat.

Molly Jensen: Carl, are you all right?
Carl Bruner: It’s just my stomach! Do you have anything like Pepto Bismol or something like that?
Sam Wheat: Cyanide!

Thanks to Train Ghost, Ghost Sam has mastered the art of touch animate objects, including people, so he pokes around at Carl, who looks like he could vom at any second. GS continues to punch Carl and even though I’ve never seen Roadhouse, I imagine it’s akin to this. Maybe that will be my next PCBS (Pop Culture Blind Spot), seeing as how I’m apparently on a Swayze streak.

1:39 Arsenio Hall cameo! 
“Don’t try to adjust your television, I’m black!” There’s a lot of race talk in this movie, which is interesting. I didn’t think that would be a recurring theme in Ghost.

1:41 Willie and Carl come looking for Oda Mae but she manages to escape. Willie on the other hand can’t escape Ghost Sam. He makes the books and art on the wallpapered walls come down towards Willie and they end up in the bathroom, where GS leaves Willie a sweet message:

And Willie decides to shoot at the mirror, because that will do the trick. Oh and Willie is dead. In a horrific accident that includes four vehicles, one of which runs him over. He becomes a ghost and sees Ghost Sam for the first time. All of a sudden what sounds like zombies are coming for Willie, then I realize he’s probs being taken off to hang with the Dev.

1:46 Oda Mae is still trying to get Molly to believe Ghost Sam is speaking to her, so he manages to “levitate” a penny (aka pick it up with his finger and hand it to her), but still, the 1990s special effects still make me laugh.

1:49 Oda Mae lets Sam take over her body a la Orlando from earlier and they cut it so Demi’s dancing with PSwayze to Unchained Melody and I might be crying a little

Ugh Cock Block Carl comes in during this tender moment, and Molly and Oda start running away from him, because he wants the check from Oda Mae, which as you remember, is being spent by those nuns from the street.

Yo Carl calm da fuq down, why do you have a gun and why are you trying to shoot at a ghost you can’t see??

For some reason, there’s still a lot of construction going on in their building, and their chase leads Ghost Sam and Carl to a part of the place where there is a hanging rope with a giant metal hook at the end, which Carl swings into NOTHING because he can’t see Ghost Sam, but it rebounds a second time, making glass from the window fall down onto Carl and impale him in the gut. Carl basically inflicted this upon himself.

You know, Ghost isn’t really about the supernatural, it’s a cautionary tale about greed.™ Life Lessons with Cookies + Sangria.

As a surprise to no one, Carl dies and goes to be Willie’s pal with the Dev in Hell. The foley artists probably had a blast making these groaning sounds the zombies/dementors make when taking someone away.

1:58 Ghost Sam checks in on Oda Mae and Molly, and surprise, surprise, Molls can actually see and hear him – because he’s about to go into the light. They have a super awkward “kiss” before he goes away for good, and legit his last words to her are, “See ya.”


And with that I say, it’s been quite a ride, P Swayze & Tony Godwyn. until next time.

 

Live Blog: Outlaw Prophet: Warren Jeffs

Let’s be real. This movie has two of my favorite things: The best/worst president of the fake United States and the crazy world of Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints (FLDS). Call me crazy, but I love learning about insane groups of people like Scientology or cults. Do I have a problem? Maybe. Whatever, I’m LEARNING.

This particular Lifetime movie is based on Stephen Singular’s book When Men Become Gods, documenting FLDS leader/prophet Warren Jeffs’ (played by the great Tony Goldwyn) rise to power following his father’s death. It should be quite interesting watching our beloved POTUS acting as a mentally ill man. Here we go!

M: I  never read the Singular book, but I can definitely recommend Under The Banner Of Heaven if you’re interested in non-fiction works about LDS offshoots. Look, we never pretended to be cool; only interested in things.

T: One second into the movie and there’s already a shirtless Tony Goldwyn. I already know I’m going to have very conflicting feels about this :\

OH GOD IT’S BECAUSE HE WAS NAKED IN BED WITH TWO WOMEN AND ONE OF THEM CALLED HIM “UNCLE WARREN”. AND THEY’RE FLEEING. Well, he’s fleeing. With a gun. So, I mean, that’s a sign of trouble.

Apparently Martin Landau is in this and TBH I thought he had passed away already. Whoops.

The executive producers of this movie are Craig Zadan and Neal Meron who have been producing the Oscars for the past few years, but more importantly, a lot of your favorite movie musicals, including Footloose, Cinderella (with Brandy), Annie (with Kathy Bates), Chicago, Hairspray, and Smash. Clearly they thought the next step was to make a Lifetime movie about the FLDS.

Oh yeah POTUS singing, playing guitar and harmonizing… is that what these people do at their sister wives weddings?

M: I will say, the establishing shots of the rural Southwest really make me want to take a vacation in Arizona or something. The wedding music sounds a LOT like folksy protest music from the late 60s, early 70s. Like hippie stuff but minus the drugs.

T: Martin Landau plays Warren Jeffs’ father Rulon, who litrally said, “Help this old man get to his feet” then proceed to grope the girl who helped him get up.

He proceeded to get married to a young girl, and it total at his death, Rulon had 56 wives.

M: Martin Landau is in the exact same costume and makeup as he was for the Anna Nicole movie. As he feels up a young pioneer-looking girl’s ass, I realize he’s basically playing the same character too. Bet they saved some cash and filmed these movies simultaneously.

T: Basically the FLDS believes that Jeffs was a direct descendant of the big JC and Mormon bigwig Joseph Smith, so he preached that this plural marriages were necessary in order to preserve the “sacred bloodline”.

Rulon also told WJ: “Why don’t you go entertain people with your little guitar” the SHAADEE. WJ didn’t take it well because he went into the bathroom and proceeded to slap himself

M: It was very “Crazy Eyes” from Orange Is The New Black.

T: One of the weirdest things about this sect of the FLDS is that they didn’t go to real school and Warren Jeffs taught the kids, and only taught them from the Book of Mormon. Side note: I bet Tony Goldwyn would be a fantastic teacher.

M: Okay, in the classroom scene a girl is wearing a really unrealistic side-braid. Please, lady. It’s bouffant or nothing. I always wondered if these sects taught all girls to do the big puffy braid as some sort of a right of passage. Or maybe there’s like one lady who’s really good at it, and you’d never want to piss off your sister-wife who did the ~good braids. I bet these women talk shit about sister-wife LaMarvys or Dorcas or whomever whose braids always look flat.

T: True story: When I went to Austin recently, I got there ahead of my friend so I spent some down time in the hotel putzing around. Apparently in Texas they provide you with not only a Bible in the drawer but the LDS bible (The Book of Mormon) as well. I found myself reading it and I got lost within the first few pages. What a snoozefest.

BTW, when we were texting about this movie, Molly said, “The girl from Ramona and Beezus is in this”, because that’s a reference that we both embarrassingly would know her from.

WJ has a heart to heart with Beezus who I’m so afraid will have an inapprops relationship with POTUS :\

M: She’s so grown up! In FLDS circles, I believe that’s what you say before you decide it’s about time for a gal to get married off. In case you’re wondering, Ramona and Beezus is pretty cute. You should watch it. Maybe instead of this, if it’s airing on FX or HBOFamily right now.

T: RULON HAS A GIANT PORTRAIT OF HIMSELF HANGING ABOVE HIS DESK. DO YOU THINK IT’S HIS HEAD SHOT?! DEAD.

M: It’s also of really poor quality. Looks like a paint-by-number. By the way, paint-by-numbers of Rulon Jeffs’ head is one of the few sanctioned hobbies for FLDS ladies. It also passes for art class in their weird Book Of Mormon One-Room Schoolhouse.

T: June 12th is apparently the “Day of Reckoning”, and that entails a lot of candles and Rulon dying because his prophecy of the End of the World didn’t come true.

M: Yeah, there are so many candles and vintage-y dresses and creative braids at the announcement about the Day of Reckoning that it honestly looks like a wedding from Pinterest.

T: Wait so Rulon didn’t originally want WJ to be his successor as prophet? It’s like when *Scandal season 2 spoiler alert* Fitz killed Verna in the hospital bed to keep her quiet about Defiance!

M: As in every board room scene, I totally zone out when they’re meeting in the conference room about the successor. Unfortunately, I also zone out the same way in conference rooms in real life. Ooops. Warren has a chat with Ramona The Pest and she says her second cousin is “mean to her.” Oh shit I smell a forced marriage.

T: After Rulon dies, WJ takes his dad’s glasses and proceeds to wear them throughout the movie. But this guy was legitimately cuckoo, no?

Oh boy a white-haired man spies on WJ and his wives and the rest of the family as they’re burying Rulon – I smell undercover cop.

M: Do they have a pathetic-looking cemetary for religious reasons, or did Lifetime just blow its budget on booking Martin Landau back-to-back? It is a half-step above the elephant graveyard from Lion King.

T: Well, WJ straight up tells the congregation during his eulogy for his dad that he’s the next prophet and all the church elders are all… “WTF”

M: Rulon is one of those names that sounds more and more ridiculous every time you say it in a row. Rulon. Rulon. Rooo-lon. Actually maybe it’s just one of those names that sounds ridiculous.

M: A little girl just told Warren that her dad’s about to make pancakes. F’real? I never got the impression that this was like an “even division of household chores” type community. Although, there’s something to be said for having a lot of backup like the sister-wives do. No wonder they got so pissed when the compound got raided. They had it good. No, they had it GREAT. Every kid having like 20 different moms? What a plum deal. (The reasons that this setup is actually the worst deal ever will be clear soon enough, guys.)

T: Uncle Warren confides in Beezus that he’ll always take care of her… then creepily looks at her through a crack in a door and sees her making out with some other kid… and in a fit of rage/jealousy, he forces her to marry her step-cousin Allen!

WJ: “Your mother tells me you’ve been getting your monthly visitor. That means you’re ready  (to be placed).” #vom

M: Okay, this Menarche Wedding is a billion times worse than that First Moon Party from that commercial that was all over the internet a few weeks ago. Ewww. #RedWedding

T: Beezus is ACTING. And omg this is the worst. Too bad they couldn’t give her a sedative before this ceremony. She’s 14 YEARS OLD!!

M: Ugh okay this is the part – as in almost every Lifetime movie – that I remember that this is based on actual events and feel really horrible for watching it as entertainment. I mean I even feel bad that Quimby had to ACT this because I still feel like she should be playing with her doll Chevrolet, let alone that this for real happens.

WJ: “Go forth multiply and replenish the earth” REPLENISH the earth?? Replenish the earth with humans who are all related to each other and most likely have birth defects?

M: Oh, gross. They’re like the freaking Habsburg monarchs. Also is this horrible wedding (that I can’t even quite watch) happening in a Marriott suite? Or is the FLDS compound just modeled after Holiday Inn-level hotels?

T: WJ’s first wife is inspecting some girls who are getting prepared to be set up with their future husbands. In this process of making sure their horrendous dresses are perfect and not a hair on their head is out of place, she comments to one, “Your braid isn’t tight enough” I mean also your braid isn’t in fashion, but apparently there’s a reason. That reason is for Jesus.

M: I guess this answers my braid question from earlier. We are also treated to the first wife slapping a girl in the face, and the foley artist REALLY gets into the slap sound effect.

T: Rebecca is the Jinger Duggar of the family (in that she wants out immediately, one can assume). Formerly married to Rulon before his death, Rebecca wants to be “obedient” to their marriage contract, and refuses to be placed with another guy. Because she disobeyed the current prophet, WJ, he has her locked up in a trailer to think about what she’s done (?). Rebecca is a real person who escaped the FLDS at 19 and helped the police decipher evidence of child molestation and bigamy found on the ranch WJ and his hundreds of followers live in in Colorado City, Arizona. She has since become an advocate for victims of human trafficking and also wrote a book, called The Witness Wore Red (which you’ll read later why).

In addition to locking a girl up for not wanting to be married off to some guy way older than her, WJ grabs the kid Beezus was making out with and drives him off to the middle of nowhere and leaves him to fend for himself. Great prophet, this Warren Jeffs. On the way back to the compound, he notices the same undercover cop from earlier and then basically harasses him through the window. Then back at the cop’s motel, he discovers an open door and goes into to find a bunch of papers strewn about and basically evidence against WJ. Shit’s going down.

Oh god this is horrible. WJ has three of his wives sitting naked on the bed, while he’s having sex with another one and making her say “I feel god in you” and it’s the most awkward.

M: If I were not live blogging this I would have turned the TV off by now. I’m now remembering that it took me weeks to get through Under The Banner Of Heaven because I kept wanting to put it in the freezer like Joey Tribbiani. To tell the truth, I’m watching this on DVR and fast-forward through the rest of the scene.

T: WJ is not messing around with Rebecca Duggar. He tells her, “I’m going to break you. I’m going to teach you to be an obedient wife” Cue Rebecca Duggar escaping the HEllllll out of there. This remind me of another Lifetime classic, Escape from Polygamy. Miss that one? Don’t worry, I liveblogged that for you too.

M: To focus on the positive, with her normal side braid and white nightgown, Rebecca Duggar looks like a girl from the junior’s section of the JCPenney catalog circa1994.

1991-xx-xx JCPenney Christmas Catalog P156

T: WJ stirs from his slumber after all the sex and has some kind of creepy Spidey sense that something is wrong and goes to check on Rebecca. He sees she’s not in her room, and he yells out, “ONE OF YOU BITCHES LET HER OUT!” What a nutjob.

M: At first I thought that WJ was wearing that special LDS underwear but isn’t that more of a onesie? I guess he’s just wearing a t-shirt and white boxers. By the way I obviously have a huge problem with these weird break-out groups where Ramona Geraldine Quimby marries anyone but Howie Kemp – because I’m a normal human, right? – but nothing against regular LDS folks, here.

T: I just LOLed because WJ slapped the kid who married Beezus after telling him that she wouldn’t have sex with him. He’s all what do I do and he straight up slapped him. Is it wrong that I think this is hilarious?

But then they finally do have sex (obviously they didn’t show it) and it physically makes me want to vomit. Right on Warren Jeffs. Not Tony Goldwyn. Warren Jeffs in jail.

M: I also am getting closer and closer to vomiting as this goes on. I don’t even mean that metaphorically, I mean maybe don’t eat too much before you watch this movie.

T: The cop tells the local news that Warren Jeffs’ compound is much like the Taliban and WJ gets so be mad he legit pulls the tv from the wall and throws it out the window. That’s not exactly how the news works, but okay.

As a result of his furor, WJ attempts to gain “power” back by setting some more rules within the compound. Here are some completely reasonable rules: The color red is forbidden. That means no wearing red or having any objects that are red (a kid’s tricycle is taken away!). Sports are no longer allowed, no media allowed (except radios – and apparently someone had satellite TV before?!), no dancing or music, and probably one of the worst ones: no canines since they’re relatives of the wolf.

THEY ARE PUSHING DOGS INTO A PIT AND SHOOTING THEM WITH SHOTGUNS HOLY SHIT IS PETA AWARE OF THIS WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK.

M: My dog actually started whimpering when the dogs cried, stood up and looked around in concern when they shot them, then came over to me for reassurance. NO WJ. NOW YOU GOT MY DOG UPSET.

T: THESE WIVES ARE GETTING YOUNGER BY THE MINUTE.

WJ HAS A GIANT PORTRAIT OF HIMSELF HANGING ABOVE HIS DESK JUST LIKE HIS DAD.

M: I feel like I’m watching some bizarre combination of The Giver and The Handmaid’s Tale. Reminder: THIS REALLY HAPPENED IN AMERICA. UGH the new wife is an actual baby, like should be shopping at Limited Too (is that still a thing?)

WJ straight up excommunicated a group of men for warning him about the cops being on to him, making them leave their families ASAP.

M: Fun fact: when I was a kid I used to sometimes go to a church where everyone ended up getting excommunicated from the Catholic church. My aunt went there, and she was my Confirmation sponsor, so I’m not sure if I’m still all the way Catholic, technically? Point is, excommunication is about as big as it gets as far as punishments from religious organizations.

T: Wait Beezus was pregnant? And she lost the baby? After that one time? I mean if the girl has a stuffed animal (for herself) in her hospital bed, it’s a sign she’s wayyyyy too young to be having a child.

Someone just used the word “rabble rousers”, which frankly is a word I don’t think is used quite enough. Let’s start that, shall we?

Beezus is out of the hospital and going into the lake to ‘cleanse’ herself, and I thought she was straight up going to drown herself (which obviously is not the way to go, ever, but I would get it). But luckily – Praise BEEZUS – she’s leaving! She followed in Rebecca Duggar’s footsteps and straight up said deuces the compound by stealing a car and driving away.

M: Jeez, Ramona Quimby Age 8 should still be dubbing her dad Nosmo King and accidentally making a crown out of burrs, not running away from forced marriage and child rape, but PRAISE BEEZUS indeed.

T: Eeee another difficult scene to watch. Even with a seemingly naked Tony Goldwyn it’s completely wasted because he’s forcing a group of his wives (like 6 of them?) to basically gang bang this one girl. Also, filming this must have been horrendous too.

M: Fast forwarded. Not sorry. By the way, during the Warren Jeffs trials, audio of these sessions was presented in court and even the transcripts will make you want to simultaneously puke and cry.

Oh look! Surprise visit (B-Roll footage) by Anderson Cooper! More movies need this.

M: There are some very Lilith Fair-sounding vocals going on behind the Cooper footage. Did they tell us how WJ picked which wife to take? It reminds me of visiting my grandparents as a kid and having to decide which stuffed animal to bring. Except, horrible.

T:  THIS MULLET DISGUISE I CAN’T

WJ: “10 Most Wanted List? I’m gonna be bigger than Bin Laden” oooh chile.

M: Oh, so it’s okay when YOU compare yourself to Taliban affiliates, but the news does it ONE TIME and nobody can have TV anymore?

T: He gets caught in Texas while a passenger in a RED CAR eating a salad. This is a true story. the cop asked his name multiple time and he kept eating the damn salad.

M: That is one of the craziest things I’ve seen thus far. Nobody likes salad that much. I actually had the same salad that I brought in my lunch for three days last week, just waiting to finally feel like eating it.

I never ate the salad.

Further proof that Warren Jeffs is not actually even human.

T: The cop just asked the driver if he was carrying a firearm because he could see there was one  in his belt holster – hello you should know better than this. It’s Texas.

“What do we do?” asks the young wife that was chosen to accompany WJ on the run for 2 years.

“Keep sweet,” says WJ.

Apparently “Keep Sweet’ is the mantra for the FLDS.

M: Yep, it’s very much A Thing. And actually “sweet” in general shows up in a lot of fundamentalist Christian circles across the board – like if you read fundamentalist mommy bloggers (even though you are neither a fundamentalist Christian nor a mommy), when they talk about a lady they’ll always call her “sweet [Name].” It is basically what they aim for as a personality trait. NOPE. NOT OKAY. Anyway after I found out about that, my “creepy meter” goes off when a certain kind of person talks about a lady being sweet.

T: So Beezus is back in court testifying against WJ – but where did she go after she fled? Like who did she stay with?

M: I Googled it, and found pictures of Elissa Wall when she got married. She’s such a kid, she looks like season 1-era DJ Tanner.

Tony’s face in trial is so disturbing and looks just like WJ that I’m getting the chills.

AU: Warren Jeffs gets transferred to Litchfield for a day and all the women beat him up then he gets sent to SHU.

Once in prison, the other cell block mates yell at WJ as he walks in, and someone actually says, “You the wife now”! Yeah. you sit there in your cell and think about what you’ve done.

BALD TONY GOLDWYN! BALD TONY GOLDWYN!

All the wives are wearing black now, because he’s in jail. So dramatic.

Uh oh big ol’ WJ is breaking down. He admits he’s not the prophet and never was. What do you do now followers????

WJ attempts to kill himself using his bedsheets to hang himself, and the cellmate across the way sees this and yells to a guard, “The dumbass prophet is trying to off himself!!”

M: They set it up with WJ talking to a successor and it feels like the end of a horror movie when they leave room for a sequel and it’s clear that nobody is safe.

T: At the end, there’s a moment when WJ realizes he still has power inside of jail after a dude comes back to him saying that his 10,000+ congregation will not back down and continue to follow him even if he’s in jail. And I got chills. Tony Goldwyn – you are superb and expertly creepy in this role and I’m gonna need you to star in some kind of rom-com where you play a charming sonofabitch who has hot sex scenes with a beautiful woman okay bye.

 

Happy (Fictional) Presidents’ Day!*

*Today is not Presidents’ Day. Monday is Presidents’ Day. Today is Lincoln’s Birthday. But we all know all these holidays blend together because we really never know which day is which, we just used to get them off when we were still in school.

But in honor of ALL the presidents of these United States of America, I think it’s also appropriate to celebrate the fictional presidents who have also put in hard work to pretend to be the leader of the free world. I’m sure I’ve missed some on my list, so chime in with some of your favorites!

And Happy Presidents’/Lincoln/Washington’s Birthday Day!

President Thomas J. Whitmore {Bill Pullman}

Independence Day

Independence Day is so American that I bet anyone who’s not American will feel American while they watch this movie. Especially during this epic speech. While it’s unlikely we’ll need a President to get us through an unexpected alien attack in the near future, I want Bill Pullman in charge of an air strike if that day does come. Or he can just give motivational speeches to me every morning instead. That works too. “We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our MONDAY!!”

President Andrew Shepard {Michael Douglas}

The American President

For some reason, The American President was one of the first movies I remember being my favorite ‘grown up’ movie. I was nine when this film came out. Maybe it was the allure of Michael Douglas. Maybe it was the romance between him and Annette Benning. Maybe TBS just kept playing it over and over again and I had no chance but to like it. Either way, Michael Douglas is one of the few actors who is actually really believable as the president, and if he’s romancing a woman while in office, count me in.

President James Marshall {Harrison Ford}

Air Force One

Presidential Badassery at its finest.

The President {Billy Bob Thornton}

Love Actually

Okay, maybe he wasn’t a good guy, but Billy Bob played a smarmy, womanizing, douchey prez and I can’t help but think a lot of our former leaders had a little bit of this guy in them.

President George Richmond {Dabney Coleman}

My Date with the President’s Daughter

Basically this movie is a classic DCom and I unapologetically love it. I mean, Eric Matthews! (sidenote: if anyone is interested in watching other DComs like Model Behavior & Life Size it’s all on YouTube, per my research for this clip. I know what I’ll be doing on Valentine’s Day)

President Fitzgerald Grant {Tony Goldwyn}

Scandal

It’s no secret we’re #Gladiators here. So what’s a list of faux presidents without our favorite adulterous Commander-in-Chief? He may have a lot of faults, and may not be the best pres the U.S. has seen, but Shonda Rhimes & co. are brilliant and make you root for a man who’s not only married and having an affair, but his wife knows about it and he STILL pretty much ignores her and their kids. And lest us forget he has also **SPOILER** killed a Supreme Court Justice, who was already on her death bed dying of cancer. But ugh, crisis, because Olitz scenes are 2 hot 4 TV.

Yet the scene above doesn’t involve any handsy moves by the pres. It’s a flashback scene which reminds us why these two fell in love in the first place. They’re no dumb dumbs. They’re independently smart and bring out the best in each other. Without Olivia’s faith in Fitz – the faith he never had in himself – he would have never won the presidency (election rigging aside). And without the dedication and devotion he constantly gives to her, she would have never been able to open up and love a man like Fitz (thanks to her Daddy Pope problems). So I guess all cheating aside, this apparent ‘love’ is what makes us (sometimes begrudgingly) root for them after all.

President Josiah ‘Jed’ Bartlet {Martin Sheen}

The West Wing

You didn’t think I’d make a list without the best TV president, did you? He had too many great moments on the show, from the Butterball hotline to the time he *another spoiler alert* got shot to the time he was high on drugs to the time he walked to the Hill, to the entire Two Cathedrals episode etc. etc. But this particular clip is from an episode called The Midterms which originally aired in 2000. He basically tells off this conservative radio talk show host in a tactful, humorous, ‘don’t disrespect me bc i’m the GD president’ way and it’s this attitude that won him two terms in fake office.

Shows You Should Be Watching If You Aren’t Already: #Scandal

For me, summer isn’t just about basking in the sun, vacations and 90 degree days. It’s the perfect time to get caught up on the TV series that I have been meaning to watch but don’t have time to during the regular TV season. So this is the list I made for myself this summer:

Photo Oct 01, 11 34 23 PM

I’d like to point out that American Dreams was a rewatch and I actually decided to watch all four seasons of The League over It’s Always Sunny, purely because there were far less episodes. I mean, get a life.

Scandal was one of those, ‘I’ll watch it if I get around to it’, not one of those ‘I need to see this immediately because it’s literally been called the best series in the history of TV’. So color me surprised when I actually found myself not only liking Scandal, but becoming obsessed with it.

Now I’m not a newcomer to Shondaland, I’ve been with the kids at Seattle Grace since they were interns, and I just realized that I called it Seattle Grace, when it’s actually called Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital (RIP), an I’ve seen the folks over at Oceanside Wellness with my boo Taye Diggs. So I’m well aware of the addictive TV crack Shonda Rhimes stirs into her beloved shows. But I didn’t expect it to be this good.

Scandal begins its highly-anticipated third season TONIGHT, and I’m here to tell you that if you haven’t spent the summer (read: one week) catching up on the past 29 episodes, you’ve wasted your time. But – it’s never too late. Here are 5 reasons why you should start DVR-ing the third season now, and after reading this post, go directly to Netflix and watch the first two seasons. I’m telling you – it’s that good.

Before we start, here’s the basic plot:

Meet Olivia Pope, played by Kerry Washington. Former White House Director of Communications, overall HBIC.

She also exists on a diet of wine and popcorn.

She runs Olivia Pope & Associates, a crisis management firm that handles major scandals in Washington, D.C. and fixes them. Her team is comprised of her ‘Gladiators’ (which is also the nickname for Scandal fans): Harrison, Huck, Abby and Quinn.

Meet President Fitzgerald Grant. Leader of the free world, sexy grown ass man, former Ghost villain.

He is married to another HBIC in her own right, First lady Mellie Grant. Fitz’s right-hand man and Chief of Staff is Cyrus Beene, a guy who is willing to do anything to keep the President the President, and probs the best actor on the show.

Other people of note: US Attorney for D.C., David Rosen (played by The West Wing’s Josh Malina), White House Reporter/Cyrus’ husband, James Novack (Emmy winner Dan Bucatinsky), and Officer Jake Ballard (Felicity’s other Ben, Scott Foley), who I won’t reveal his exact role in the show.

Oh BTW, Olivia and Fitz have been carrying on an affair ever since they met on his campaign trail, and have been off and on while he’s been in the White House. So you know, probably the biggest SCANDAL there is.

So wrong, it’s right.

If the basic plot wasn’t enough to convince you, here are 5 reasons to indulge in your next guilty pleasure:

5) Social Media

There’s a reason why I hashtagged ‘Scandal’ in the Post title. Scandal started as a midseason replacement last year. With only seven episodes, it still found a fan base, and was renewed for a second season. It seemed that with every passing week, it became bigger and bigger, and ABC execs finally decided to give it a full 22 episode season.

And a lot of its popularity is thanks to social media and word of mouth. I remember seeing it pop up more and more among the people I was following both on Twitter and Facebook, and it was the reason why I put it on my list in the first place. Since the show itself is highly addictive, people wanted to share their addiction with everyone else, and of course, in 2013, what better way to do that than with the internet?

Apparently Kerry went to Shonda and suggested that the cast join Twitter (because she didn’t want to seem controlling over them!) and soon they began livetweeting along with their fans. Thursday nights became an event. If you couldn’t watch it in real time, don’t bother going on Twitter. It became a worldwide trend every week thanks to the #Gladiators, giving it even more free publicity than ever before. Between January and June of this year, almost 3.5 million tweets were sent about the show alone!

Now it’s come to the point where the cast gets together before the next episode airs and watches it together in order to prep for the live tweeting on Thursday. And let’s be honest, watching your favorite show along with the cast and other fans is pretty cool. So I’m warning you now, if you see #Scandal, #Gladiators, #TheStormIsComing or #Olitz trending on Twitter tonight, you’ll know why.

4) Fashion

Olivia Pope is a classy broad. A classy D.C. broad who makes thousands of dollars, and she lets her strong fashion sense be a reflection of her own strong character as a woman. Costume Desginer Lyn Paolo is the creative genius behind Olivia’s wardrobe, who picks the best of the best for Olivia. From Burberry capes to Dior evening coats to my personal fave, a Jean Fares gown that would even make me want to have an affair with Olivia (slash Kerry).

Fans have been dying over her style so much that Paolo and Scandal bosses partnered with Saks Fifth Avenue, and just yesterday, Kerry helped kickoff the collaboration at its flagship store in New York City. The famous window is curated by Paolo herself, which includes fashions are worn by Olivia, including Giorgio Armani, Donna Karan, Calvin Klein, Michael Kors and Carolina Herrera.

fyi, that is supposed to be kerry washington and tony goldwyn

3)  Cast Camaraderie

Nothing makes my TV obsessed heart happier knowing that people on TV who play friends are actually friends IRL. And although there’s a lot of drama on screen, it doesn’t seem like there’s any drama off screen.

Like I mentioned before, the cast gets together at someone’s home the Sunday before the show airs, so they can watch the ep together for the first time in order to prepare for the live tweeting. And they post pix on Twitter of their gatherings (as seen above)! If you delve into the black hole of Scandal interviews on YouTube, you can clearly tell that they all really enjoy each others’ company, and even hang out when not on set.

They remind me of the Parks and Rec cast, which I think is probably the set I’d most like to hang out at, for many reasons, but mainly because it seems like they’re just friends tooling around, who happen to be filming a TV show together. That’s what Scandal is like.

2) Characters first, adjectives second

Shonda Rhimes is known for her “colorblind” casting. You can see it with Grey’s and you can see it on Scandal. Despite the fact that Olivia Pope is the first African-American lead actress on TV in a very long time, that’s not what she’s all about. She’s a powerful, confident woman first, and black woman second. In fact, her interracial relationship with Fitz isn’t even mentioned until halfway through season two, as seen in the clip above. Earlier in the episode, an angry Liv scolded Fitz for treating her like a Sally Hemmings to his Thomas Jefferson. In fact, race has only been mentioned a couple times throughout the series, and that’s really what it should be.

Also take Cyrus, a high-powered Republican who just happens to be gay. Just like Olivia, he isn’t defined by his sexuality. He’s defined by his ability, his fortitude, his passion and allegiance for his country, for the President.

Scandal proves that a TV show can have a diverse palate of characters, without them being the stereotypical “gay best friend,” or “sassy black girl.”  They are just Cyrus and Olivia.

1) OLITZ

While my second reason on the list should be enough, let’s keep it real. The making of a really good drama/soap/Shonda Rhimes show is a hot relationship. And save for maybe Sam and Naomi from Private Practice, this is absolutely the hottest relationship to come out of Shondaland. Not only are Kerry and Tony extremely hot on their own, but they have an inexplicable chemistry that makes you feel like you’re being a voyeur into their sex lives. Seriously, just YouTube some of their scenes together if you want a sampling, but I’m telling you it’s hot hot hot! The clip above is from the pilot, where we first discover they’re having an affair. It gets sooo much hotter!)

Although I suppose the other thing that makes their love even hotter is that they’re divulging in forbidden territory. I think it’s easy for viewing to forget the onnneee little detail about “Olitz”: these two are committing adultery. We are rooting for CHEATERS. Well, a lot of us.

But I think that  that’s amazing that a series can make us support people who we would otherwise judge in the outside world. Obviously no one is perfect, but the very thing that has most people tuning in is considered taboo in real life. What is right? What is wrong? Is it wrong because he’s married, or is it wrong because he’s forcing himself to stay in a relationship where his wife isn’t at the top of his list anymore? Would it be right to leave the First Lady and become the ‘Divorced President’, or just keep up the facade for the American public, knowing full well you’re living a lie?

As we’re about to delve into season there, we still haven’t figured out right from wrong, whether the Olitz relationship can still be strong or not, but one thing for sure is that if they’re gettin down dirty in the White House – we’ll be the pervs watching…

Scandal is on ABC, Thursdays at 10pm (No, I do not work for ABC or Scandal, I’m just insane)