Monthly Archives: November 2013

A Quiverfull of Creepy: Inside The Vision Forum Catalog

Posted in Lists, Miscellany by

 If you don’t look into the Duggar lifestyle that closely, it seems sort of adorable. Babies everywhere! Sisters sharing a Madeline-style dormitory!  Modern modest! Enter the Quiverfull movement.  The Duggars – and their whole movement – are like an onion. If you peel back enough layers, you’re going to want to start crying. Hey, it can’t all be calico dresses and alliterative baby names.

Quiverfull is a branch of Evangelical Christianity that advocates having as many children as possible, “Biblical patriarchy,” keeping moms at home, homeschooling, modesty (read: terrible dresses), a husband’s “dominion” over his wife, and long hair for ladies. They think dinosaurs lived with people. They think modern music is unconscionable- even modern Jesus music (I think most modern Jesus music is unconscionable too, but that’s on grounds of taste). They believe in Courtship, not dating. They don’t even call it ‘going a-courtin’,’ which is a real shame.

Quiverfull is in the news this week because prominent Quiver-filler (?), Doug Phillips, had an affair, and now one of the biggest Quiverfull organizations, Vision Forum Ministries, has crumbled as a result.

Fortunately, Vision Forum’s for-profit catalog is still alive and kicking. VF has great merch – and I don’t say that lightly. I grew up Catholic, and not to brag, but we really have the market on religious merch cornered — medals, statues, scapulars, car charms – you want it, we sell it. Vision Forum (RIP) comes in a close second though. You may be grateful that you’re not a Duggar, but look at the accessories you’re missing out on!

Boys

Marshmallow Mini-Bow

I don’t know what this has to do with raising Godly young men, but combining Nerf with The Hunger Games with junk food is genius.

All-American Boy’s Crossbow

The website quite literally suggests shooting squirrels with this, so I guess you could buy this and do that? This bow is good for “target practice” and “developing hand-eye coordination.” Oh, how I love the VF copywriters!

Climbing Set (Grappling Hook, Claws, and Boot Spikes)

I would have flipped over this when I was … not a boy. Never was a boy. Dammit.  My favorite copy-writer says “Best yet, it is rated to over 300 pounds,” so this is also okay for an adult or an enormous child.

Frontier Tomahawk

There are so many tools of war (toy tools of war) in the boys’ section, it’s hard to know what to pick. It’s also hard to know exactly how these are supposed to relate to Jesus’s message of peace and all that, but I’m not a theological scholar. Copy guy (I’m assuming guy because, you know, job) says “Our Frontier Tomahawk can be thrown into a wooden target or used as a camp hatchet. The cutting edge of forged steel is 3″ deep and may require additional sharpening.” The text is followed by a disclaimer that this is not a toy, and then an image of an unsupervised 6-8 year old boy in a coonskin cap about to throw the instrument of death across the prairie.

Girls

American Mothers Doll Dress Set

We grew up on the American Girls Collection, not American Mothers, but Vision Forum is all “cut to the chase, bitches.” Is Abigail Adams big among the fundamentalist homeschooling set? Or like, with children in general maybe? Learn something new every day.

Fidelia Doll

Again, the copy writer really shines here. “Your daughters will spend countless blissful hours of “mommy practice” as they care for their little playmates.When a girl plays with a doll, she is preparing to be a mommy someday.” By that logic, when I was playing with dolls as a child, I was preparing to be the world’s worst hairdresser someday.

Dayspring: Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

This book is written by a 13-year-old, so I won’t go too hard on it. It’s about how fetuses are people too, and if I had read this book as a small child, there is a 100% chance that I would have gotten myself sterilized by now. From the author – describing Dayspring, the title character, an embryo:  She talks and eats, she experiences feelings such as disgust, excitement, dizziness, and even smugness. Also, she is already developing her talent of gymnastics.

YIKES, y’all. Babies? I like babies. They’re like adorable, incontinent people. But pregnancy sounds scary enough without thinking that the child that’s leaching your calcium stores also feels smug about it. And a gymnast? The only reason a smug gymnast should be in your abdomen is if you ate McKayla Maroney (which also wouldn’t be okay). Also, where did that fetus get hair ties to do those pigtails? No wonder she’s so smug – she’s Rosemary’s freakin’ Baby.

Family

The Person I Marry

Highlights from the blurb: “Children are constantly thinking about marriage” (for real, I’m in my late 20s and the only time I think about marriage is at weddings);  “The Person I Marry is a beautiful picture-book and discussion-starter for children about wisely choosing a spouse someday” (shouldn’t we maybe just stick to useful childhood topics like How Not To Get Kidnapped or Stoves are Hot?).

Christian Controversies – Pilgrims vs. Indians

This CD is subtitled Racial Genocide or Biblical Dominion in Colonial New England? I think I can guess what side this one’s going to come down on. It’s like when a news teaser says “Is this the rainiest September on record? Find out at 11!” And you’re like, damn straight it’s the rainiest September on record, otherwise you wouldn’t be bringing this up. Although, in Vision Forum’s defense, if the Native Americans had had guns this never would have even happened.

I Dig Dinosaurs

I’ll defer to my friend the copy writer again: “In I Dig Dinosaurs you’ll load up onto a single-engine plane with dinosaur researcher and entertainer Buddy Davis and fly to the badlands of Montana. It’s a remote place, where the enormously powerful waters loosed during Noah’s Flood scoured the earth and left behind a tangled mess of fish, dinosaurs, plants, and more.”

Remember the story about Noah? One of the main things about Noah was that he was a human. You heard it here first, guys: people and dinosaurs coexisted, until dinos got wiped out in the flood (along with those poor unicorns).

* Photo credits go to Vision Forum. Despite the fact that Vision Forum Ministries is caput, you can still buy. I’ll admit it – if you are cool with giving money to these folks, some of the wacky violent warmongering boy toys would be sort of fun Christmas gifts.

Leonardo DiCaprio, The Internet, and You

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On November 11th, 2013, Leonardo Wilhelm DiCaprio turned 39 years of age. 39. That’s one year away from 40. Leo is officially like, an adult. Perhaps the age was jarring because in my mind, he is forever 23 years old. If you do the math (which, I mean, don’t), that brings us to 1997, when he was in Titanic. You guessed it folks – I, like many girls of my generation – was a total Titanic fangirl. I saw it 5 times in the movie theater, purchased every single item of memorabilia (including the script) and wore out tapes 1 & 2 of the VHS copies. In fact, I was so obsessed with Leo himself that I made it a mission to watch every single movie he was in (note to parents: don’t let your 12 year old watch The Basketball Diaries without knowing what it’s about first) and even used the name “Julieta”  in Spanish class as an ode to Romeo + Juliet.

Anyways, because I am a Leo fan, I’ve always remembered his birthday, but I never would have imagined he would have a bash like he did on Sunday. Apparently, Leo is a big rap fan, and invited his FRIEND 2 Chainz to perform. Oh yeah, AND Kanye West.

The party at Tao in NYC ended up being a charity event too, because he raised $3 million for his environmental foundation, so all in all not too shabby. But thanks to social media and the internet, there are plenty of videos and pix to make us *almost* feel like we were there.

Then again, Leo has somehow been a constant presence on the internet, despite the man himself being a more reserved and private celebrity. Case in point: Memes.

Just like it’s difficult to find a person who hates Leo IRL, the internet feels the same adoration for him, by making him the subject of many a meme. So to celebrate Leo in all his glorious 39 years of existence, here are some of the greatest viral items of one of the greatest actors of our generation.

Strutting Leo

The one that stands out the most – strutting Leo. Originally taken while he was on set filming Inception, the folks of the interwebz took this comical pic of Leo and Photoshop him into various other scenes.

Inception strutting
bitch what are you doing here strutting
come catch me strutting
thx moses strutting
reaping strutting

Inception Leo

This was taken straight from a scene in Inception where Cobb (Leo) is talking to Robert Fischer (Cillian Murphy), but Leo’s reaction face is what got the internet nerds all in a tizzy.

Rage over Leo’s lack of Oscars

Pretty self explanatory. The Academy hates Leo. The Internet hates the Academy.

because lindsay lohan

Bad Luck Leo

In which Jack Dawson looks happy on the outside, but on the inside, his heart is frozen over.

Poppin ‘n Lockin Leo

If this doesn’t convince you to see Wolf of Wall Street, I don’t know what will

Basically, this was just posted everywhere and anywhere and sometimes in wall form.

Time-Travelling Demon Leo

THIS THEORY IS TOO GOOD IT FREAKS ME OUT. *read more here!*

 

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Unexpected Stars of Elf

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In November of 2003, I was a teenaged movie theater employee. In addition to sneaking ‘courtesy cups’ of popcorn and Oreo Cream Blast (TM) every shift and taking my friends to free movies, I’d pop into theaters during my breaks to watch some of the better films [ and sometimes, you know, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen or whatever.] I probably saw Elf five times during that ’03 holiday season – albeit in 15-minute snippets. Ten years on, I still love it just as much. Yes, it’s hard to believe, but Elf — eminently charming, extremely quotable, and in my view, one of the best Christmas movies of all time — was released ten years ago this month.

Everyone knows that Elf had some amazing writing and a great soundtrack, but I think the ensemble cast is a big reason that it holds up so well a decade later. Everybody knows Will Ferrell’s Buddy, of course. Elf was also one of the first times anyone noticed a pre-bangs Zooey Deschanel. There are others that everyone will remember: James Caan, Bob Newhart, Edward Asner, and Mary Steenburgen. But did you realize that all of these folks were in Elf, too? Some of them have been around for decades, and others became famous since Buddy took the journey through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, and walked through the Lincoln Tunnel.

Peter Dinklage — Miles Finch

In Elf: Dinklage played Miles Finch, a grumpy children’s book author and – in Buddy’s view – an “angry elf.”

Outside of Elf: These days, Peter Dinklage is earning major accolades for his work in Game of Thrones. You may also know him from his work as Marlowe Sawyer on Nip/Tuck, Stewart on 30 Rock, and my favorite, Peter Drunklage on SNL.

Faizon Love – Buddy’s Manager

In Elf: He’s the hardworking, exacting Gimbel’s manager who insists on six inch ribbon curls and wants to know why Buddy’s smiling like that. He would like Buddy to make work his new favorite.

Outside of Elf: Love has an extensive resume, mostly character work. Shane in Couples Retreat? That was him. The Perfect Holiday (a Queen Latifah vehicle)? Jamal. Reaching back to pre-Elf times, Faizon Love was Wendell Wilcox on The Parent ‘Hood and Big Worm in Friday.

Amy Sedaris — Deb

In Elf: Deb is Walter’s secretary, who likes to whisper and has such a pretty face, she should be on a Christmas card.

Outside of Elf: Sedaris, of the Comedy Sedarises, has a delightfully nutty sense of humor. My favorites are her Jerri Blank on Strangers with Candy, her great books on entertaining, and all of the stories in her brother David’s books where she wears wacky wigs and fatsuits to freak out their father.

Meghan Black — Elf

In Elf: Brief but memorable role in the Cotton-Headed Ninny Muggins sequence.

Outside of Elf: She’s Atlanta on Clash of the Titans, Misty on Dead Like Me, and Kat on Edgemont. I don’t watch any of those, but a lot of people do.

Michael Lerner — Fulton

In Elf: The children’s book editor who affirms that even with those two pages, the book would have sucked.

Outside of Elf: You’ve definitely seen Lerner in one of his roles as a classy older guy. For instance: Mel Horowitz in the TV show version of Clueless, Rollie Simone on Hill Street Blues, and Arthur in Hart to Hart.

Will McCormack — Witness

In Elf: Just “Witness.” I seriously cannot remember Will McCormack being in Elf, for all the times I’ve seen it. Time for a re-watch!

Outside of Elf: Ethan in Brothers & Sisters, Skillz in Celeste and Jesse Forever (which he co-wrote with his ex, Rashida Jones), Robert O’Connor in In Plain Sight, and he’s directing an upcoming Chris Messina flick. Not too shabby for an unnamed Elf character.

Andy Richter — Morris

In Elf: Morris worked for Greenway Press, which between James Caan, Amy Sedaris, Peter Dinklage, and Andy Richter, is probably a lot more fun than the publisher I work for (which is GREAT don’t get me wrong fire me).

Outside of Elf: Andy Richter is best known as Conan’s sidekick (/Amy Poehler’s older brother). He’s also been a recurring actor on Arrested Development, voiced plenty of animated projects, appeared as Stan on The New Adventures of Old Christine, and had a memorable role on 30 Rock’s Ludachristmas episode (/Tina Fey’s older brother).

Leon Redbone — Snowman

In Elf: A snowman in the style of 60s Christmas specials, who keeps it real (“You’re 6’3 and had a beard since you were 15,” he tells Buddy).

Outside of Elf: You probably already know that Redbone wears a felt hat and big sunglasses, and has an oldtime-y, Vaudeville-y vibe, But did you know that his real name is Dickran? Dickran, is his name. Rough.

Jon Favreau — Doctor

In Elf: The doctor who doesn’t have any cotton balls any more.

Outside of Elf: I guess this is technically still quite Inside of Elf, but he directed it.

Peter Billingsly — Elf

In Elf: He informs Buddy that he’s pretty off-pace with that Etch-a-Sketch business. It’s almost like he was b0rn to be in Christmas movies.

Outside of Elf: Ralphie in A Christmas Story; an adult man who has to hear “you’ll shoot your eye out kid!” every time he is just trying to run to the grocery store to buy a damn carton of milk.

So Your Mayor Smoked Crack

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This week, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted that he was guilty of smoking crack cocaine while in office – but refused to resign. He said:

“Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine. But no, do I — am I an addict? No. Have I tried it? Probably, in one of my drunken stupors, probably approximately about a year ago.” {x}

Apparently, he had been denying this accusation for the past six months, but enough was enough and he finally told the God’s honest truth. That, and he said journalists weren’t asking the ‘correct questions.’ Honestly, the correct question didn’t come up in six months? Ok Robby.

But hey. Listen, we all make mistakes. One time I ordered a plate of cheese slices for dinner in Spain, when I thought they were going to be scrumptious empanadas. This is the same situation.

In fact, I applaud Mayor Ford for finally coming clean. First of all, it takes a lot of guts for a person in public office to admit to their constituents that they’ve doing something wrong that could potentially be used against them and their career. Second of all, if he really only did crack that one time, no harm, no foul, right? Third of all, it’s about damn time Canada and Canadian politicians got in to some trouble! These U.S. folks are getting all the attention, it’s about time our neighbors to the north had a little political shakeup.

Also, let’s face it, there are worst things that a Mayor could do. So buck up, Toronto. Grab some Timbits and head to the Eaton Centre for some stress relief shopping because life with a crack Mayor isn’t that bad.

People that are worse than Rob ‘Mayor of Crack’ Ford:

Idi Amin

Note that this photo is NOT of the real Idi Amin, but rather Forest Whitaker in the Last King of Scotland, and he won a Best Actor Oscar for playing Idi Amin. This is how I learn history.

Basically any tyrannical political leader who did more harm than help for their people is worse than Mayor McCrackerton. Obvi Hitler is an obvious choice, but he always trumps everyone for being the worst, so I thought I’d shake it up a little.

For those who need a quick history lesson, Idi Amin was the President of Uganda in the 1970s, and notorious for his obscene rule over the country, which included corruption, human rights abuse, ethnic persecution, etc. etc. During the eight years of his reign, an estimated range of 100,000 to 500,000 were killed.

Your mayor smoked crack.

Ben Wyatt, Mayor of Ice Town

Fictional character Ben Wyatt, played by Adam Scott in Parks in Recreation, was just 18 when he was elected the mayor of his small town in Partridge, Minnesota. However his immaturity and lack of experience led to him to make some poor decisions – including when he bankrupted the city after creating a winter sports complex called Ice Town. Ben was  unofficially banned from his hometown.

Your mayor smoked crack.

Actually being the one to make crack a la Walter White

Rob-ster allegedly only smoked crack once. It may have been caught on video, but he did it once. At least he’s not using his skills as a Mayor to make crack and build an entire drug empire. Because what insane psychopath does that?

Your mayor smoked crack.

Amanda Bynes

Once Nickelodeon’s starlet, Amanda has gone absolutely bonkers, and she apparently isn’t even on drugs or alcohol. While she may be getting help, 2013 wasn’t a great year for Amanda, who thought getting cheek piercings was a good idea. CHEEK. PIERCINGS. PLURAL.

Your mayor smoked crack.

Anthony Weiner

Sexting. Sexting with ladies on Twitter. Sexting with ladies on Twitter under the name Carlos Danger.

Your mayor smoked crack.

Jay Pharoah Tho

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Can we talk about Jay Pharoah for a second?

For all you non-Saturday Night Live watchers out there (first of all, what’s wrong with you?!), Jay joined the cast a few years ago, but has drawn a lot of attention as of late for pointing out that the “show is too white”. In his defense, he’s completely right, seeing as how there are only 2 African-Americans on the show – Jay and everyone’s favorite former French man in a bathtub Keenan Thompson – and the last black woman in the cast was Maya Rudolph, and she was only half-black!

That being said, Keenan is usually relegated to playing the black woman in sketches, like Whoopi Goldberg on The View. But on this past week’s episode hosted by the FLAWLESS Kerry Washington, they took advantage of Ms. Olivia Pope and addressed the controversy head-on.

Despite the fact the show IS “too white”, I’m glad Jay and Keenan got a chance to be in a lot of sketches this week, including my FAVE – the What Does My Girl Say parody, which I’ve watched at least 3 times a day since Saturday – it was a great ep to showcase his talent, especially in the impression arena.

As seen in that video above, Jay does an amazing Barack Obama, and has proved that he’s one of the best impressionists to come on the show since the great Darrell Hammond. So to continue Jay’s successful streak following the last episode, here are some of his other outstanding impressions. Incidentally, they happen to all be black celebrities.

Jay Z

Lil’ Wayne

Denzel Washington & (my personal fave) Will Smith

Family Guy, Eddie Murphy, T.I. and the real Justin Bieber

DMX, Chris Tucker

Kanye West (as a dog)

There Goes The Sun: 7 Reasons The End Of Daylight Savings Isn’t (so) Bad

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As soon as the summer solstice was over, our days started getting shorter and shorter. I know, I don’t like to think about it either. But still, the darkness crept a little more every day, and as soon as Daylight Savings Time ended, there was no denying it: it’s dark. Really, really dark. Most of the time, even. If you live below the 40th parallel it isn’t so-so bad, but it’s pretty damn dusky where I live, in New York  (way, way in New York though. It’s like Baby Canada up here).

I know the end of Daylight Savings doesn’t actually make an hour go away from my day. However, an hour of precious daylight moved from the afternoon – when I could maybe do something with it –  to the morning, when the only benefit is that I can now do my makeup in natural light. Still, there is a sunny side (even if it only lasts about 5 hours day):

Days aren’t shorter – nights are longer. If you’re into that.

If your glass is half full (of crazy), then you probably don’t look at this as losing daylight, but gaining night. Maybe you like the horrible mysterious blackness closing all around you. Maybe you just think it’s cozy to spend your dark winter hours indoors, with fires or candles – because you’re probably a bit of a pyro, too. I’m guessing you’re also really confident walking through darkened parking lots and waiting for your bus on an unlit street corner. So, you’re probably really jazzed to gain even more night! You freak.

 We gained an hour of sleep! One time.

In exchange for that extra hour of sleep, you will be in total darkness before the 5 o’clock news from now until March. So, hope you liked your sleep that one day! You know that psychology experiment where they tell kids they can have one piece of candy right now, or 2 pieces of candy if they wait until the researcher comes back in the room? And they always pick the one piece of candy right now? I’m usually Team Adults, but I don’t think we’re any better. If you asked me, at 6am on a Monday, if I want an extra hour to stay in bed – knowing that I’d never leave work in the daylight again for months – I’d probably be like “yeah, sounds like a fair exchange!” This is why we shouldn’t let sleepy people make major decisions.

 It’s an excuse not to work out.

Let’s just say that some people work out because they like the results, like being able to lift objects, looking like they’re not in frail physical shambles, and whatever those “health benefits” are supposed to be. But, these same people sometimes find the whole process a bit of a hassle. I’m that person.  Enter total darkness during all of my waking hours. That does it! Note: you still have to go to the gym, this only works for outdoor exercise. Sorry.

You Aren’t Getting Sun Damage?

Someday, when we all have horribly eroded skin, we’ll look back at these dark months with fondness as That Time We Weren’t Working On Our UV Exposure. When those fine lines crop up, just remember – that’s the price you had to pay for summer. The November-to-March perma-night had nothing to do with it.

You Can Wear Whatever You Want Because Nobody Can See You

You call it winter, I call it a really low-magic version of the Invisibility Cloak. Those people you run into outside for most of the winter? They can’t even see you! Or, you know, they can’t make out the details, anyway. So, if you’re wearing two shades of black that don’t quite match, or scuffy shoes, or mismatched accessories, nobody will know (except for maybe people you see indoors).

 It’s Pajama Time When You Say It’s Pajama Time

If you get home, don’t really have anything going on that day, and want to change into pajamas as soon as you finish dinner (or before), that’s fine. Because it’s dark out! So, it’s nighttime! I definitely abuse this one sometimes. Think about it: if you pajama up at 7:00 in the summer, you’d have to be sick, pathetic, depressed, or all three. But in winter, when it’s already been dark for three hours, you’re just keeping it comfy!

You Feel Like A Productive Workaholic Even When You’re … Not

Yesterday, I got to work at 8 and left around 5:30. Pretty normal, right? Except by leaving under cover of darkness, I felt like I had put in a serious day at the office. If I’m being honest, I could have stayed ’til 10 and still only been half done with my work. The thing is, downtown seems spookier with the lights off – so you’ll forgive me for emailing some files to myself and finishing my work in my pajamas. Which I changed into at 7 pm. Because it’s not like I was going for a run. Welcome, winter!

The (Half-Assed) Juice Cleanse Diaries

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by

In my four years living in Los Angeles, this is probably one of the most LA things I’ve done. Because the stereotype is true, a lot of people here are obsessed with being healthy, which means if you go out to a lot of restaurants, you’ll see the words ‘vegetarian’, ‘vegan’, ‘gluten-free’, ‘soy’, ‘probably completely inedible’ etc. One of the most popular trends is the juice cleanse. You’ll hear a lot of people talking about how they’re “juicing” this week, or getting “green drink” from Whole Foods or whatever.

So the reasons I decided to try the juice cleanse is threefold:
1) I was genuinely curious to see what all the fuss was about
2) I thought the idea of cleansing your body of toxins (and maybe losing some weight) seemed like a good pro.
3) I like a good challenge that involves consuming items

For about four consecutive years during my youth, I participated in something called the 30 Hour Famine, which was a fundraising event for children less fortunate in third world countries. Basically you only drink water and juices for 30 hours, while participating in activities and a sleepover with your pals. So I figured if I could get through that (and think it really wasn’t as bad as it sounded), how difficult it be to only drink fruit & vegetable juices for 3 days?

Ok so herein lies the problem: JUICING IS EXPENSIVE. I’m talking the pre-made, ready to drink juices that are made by juice cleanse companies. The company I decided to go with, Suja Juice, was the least expensive of the four or five brands I researched, and each bottle is $8.99. HELLO?! No wonder I usually only see celebrities doing it.

So I decided to cut my cleanse from 3 days to 2. And from 6 juices a day to 2 plus 2 mini juices (so, 4 for you non-math majors).

THIS IS PROBABLY NOT HOW YOU SHOULD DO THIS. I REPEAT DO NOT FOLLOW MY LEAD, I AM NOT A SPOKESPERSON FOR JUICING.

That being said, I survived so everything came out fine, so I mean if you do do what I did, you’ll probs be okay.

Anyways, here are some notes I took during my 2 day juice bender, and maybe it’ll make up your mind on this trend.

Pre-Cleanse

I went to my local Whole Foods to purchase said juice, but turns out they didn’t even have all the available flavors. So I chose the four that sounded the tastiest, and then four called Suja Elements which I believe are supposed to be taken as supplements. Luckily, this woman who worked there saw me purchasing all this juice and gave me a coup for $5 off! Still expensive. but grateful.

The day/night before you’re supposed to alkalize your body for the cleanse, but eating stuff like lettuce and non processed foods. I did not do this. I took this opportunity as a last meal situation and had fish and rice, just like my Filipino ancestors. I also had food I knew I needed to eat because I was doing this cleanse four days before leaving for vacation so I needed to eat things that were perishable. I mean I didn’t need to but I had wasting perfectly good food. I should’ve probably abided by the rules.

Day 1

Photo Oct 21, 9 55 32 AM

1:01pm

First juice of the day, again this is probably not how you should do it, but whatever it’s fine, I drank plenty of water before 1pm.

Juice #1

Fuel: Carrots, Orange, Apple, Pineapple, Lemon and Turmeric
Surprisingly good. Still tastes like carrot, which I think is odd, but the fruits in there make it taste much better.
Here’s a more accurate description: This juice tastes like Jamba Juice smells.

2:30pm

I may or may not have just fell asleep at my desk… that may have to do more with the fact that I’m tired as opposed to the fact I haven’t had solid food… TBD.

3:30pm

You know what helps when you’re doing a half-ass juice cleanse? Water. I love water. Water is my jam. Give me water and I’m a happy gal. Am I delirious?

5:30pm

Juice #2

Suja Elements – Mango Fuego: Apple, mango, banana, baobab, ginger, serrano chili, lime, pink Himalayan salt, camu camu
This is absolutely delicious. Like a liquid mango.

7:14pm

I’m at work trolling on FB and just saw sweet potato tater tots and I think drool actually came out of my mouth. I miss food.

9:04pm

Juice #3

Purify: Carrots, Apple, Celery, Cucumber, Beet and Lemon

 Dinner is served. Ok so this actually taste like I’m drinking vegetables. There’s a reason why I didn’t get the green juice.

10:04pm

I never realized how often people post pictures of food until now. It’s like taunting me. Unavoidable taunting.

10:20pm

Seriously considering eating some lettuce right now. It’s allowed y’all. So is avocado. But by itself. Who eats avocado on its own? Like just straight up avocado without putting it on a chip or toast or something. I need to know how these people do it. Well, they probably don’t eat at all. I decide to not eat at all.

10:30pm

Downloaded Katy Perry’s new album and she has a song called Birthday and talks about cake. She most likely doesn’t mean cake in the literal sense, but still I CAN’T ESCAPE FOOD.

10:45pm

Look on Suja website. Apparently dizziness can occur. You know what else can occur? Irritability. Thank God I don’t have to interact with too many humans today. Tomorrow is a different story.

11:01pm

Juice #4

Berryoxident: Apple, orange, strawberry, banana, raspberry, tart cherry, chia seed, flax seed, baobab, camu camu, acai

Last drink of the day! There’s something called camu camu and baobab in here and I’m hoping an exotic plant doesn’t start growing in my stomach.

On second thought,  I think I might start growing camu camu and baobab in my backyard. Can you grow these things? I don’t even have a backyard. Forget I said all that.

Day 2

Photo Oct 22, 10 39 08 AM
12:00pm

Juice #1

Glow: Apples, Celery, Cucumber, Spinach, Collard leaves, Kale leaves and Mint

Photo Oct 22, 11 53 37 AM

I had time to stop at Whole Foods before work so I decided to go and grab another juice. Except here’s the problem – I FORGOT THIS WHOLE FOODS WAS HUGE AND HAD AHUGE BUFFET SECTION AND SUSHI AND BREAD AND COFFEE AND FOOOOODD. I got the juice and ran out.

The green juice was actually not as bad as I thought, so I suggest folks who are wary of green veggies in liquid form should start with this.

1:40pm

Apparently having gum or a mint is discouraged in this cleanse because it contains ‘chemicals’ so my apologies to anyone who has to smell my kale spinach celery breath rn. Which is no one.

3:30pm

Juice #2

Spark: Lemon, Strawberries, Raspberries, Tart cherries, Honey, Stevia and Cayenne

Okay this is the first one I’ve actually am struggs to get through. There is cayenne pepper in it. CAYENNE PEPPER. That’s the shit used for like lemon cleanse and it has the worst aftertaste. It’s like my throat is on fire. Like little spikes coming in through my esophagus. Drinking it faster doesn’t help either. bahhh.

Also, there’s Stevia in it. Breaking Bad fans: note I didn’t die. Basically I risked my life for this friggin juice cleanse.

4:01pm

You know, I think I’ve finally gotten over that hungry for food aspect. The Suja site says the first day is usually the worst, and I can attest to that. It’s not that I’m hungry, since I’m having a lot of juice (and if I did it the real way, I would have way more juice), it’s that need to like chew. I haven’t even chewed or had solid food in my mouth in over 24 hours. Weird.

5:50pm

Juice #3

Suja Elements – 24 Karat: Carrot, apple, orange, pineapple, peach, banana

Drinking this after that cayenne disaster is like drinking a delish chaser after being forced to take a shot of jack daniels. I cannot express how horrible feeling that cayenne was, guys.

7:30pm

Remember food?

9:35pm

Ah, so here’s the ultimate test: I’m at my friend’s apartment to watch the Halloween episode of Pretty Little Liars and there are so many delicious snacks within mere inches from me. Like homemade chocolate peanut butter bars and chicken tortilla bowl apps and halloween candy and wine and I just sat there watching the PLLs do a horrible crossover with Ravenswood and drink my dinner juice.

Juice #4

Vanilla Cloud: Coconut, honey, Almonds, Cinnamon, Vanilla and Nutmeg

I was looking forward to this one the most, mainly because it was more dessert like than fruit or vegetable, but it was meh. It was more nutty than I thought and I could really taste the almonds. That being said, it was still good, but could be a tad sweeter.

12:35am

I have one juice left and I’m home free!! Please note that I work from 12pm to 8pm, so my sleep schedule is usually a little later than most. I still probs shouldn’t be consuming anything this late, but I figure I should get in the last one while I can.

Suja Elements – Blutrients: Apple, blueberry, blackberry, banana, chia seed, pomegranate, acai, chlorella, baobab, camu camu

Yum yum yum. Ew. What am I even saying anymore. IDK. Basically this was really good, and I’m glad I ended the cleanse with this and not Vanilla Cloud.

Conclusion

All in all, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I suppose I felt a little better – clean? – at the end of it, but again, I didn’t really follow all the rules. I would probably do it again, but the real 6 juice cleanse in order, and since I’ve had this experience, I think I could make it 3 days. Should you do this cleanse? I don’t think it’s completely necessary to do any type of cleanse, just eat healthy. But if you’re up for a challenge, try this one out. Like I said, you’re consuming a lot of juice throughout the day, so it’s not that bad. It’s also not as bad as just drinking lemon juice and cayenne pepper all day. But hey, what do I know, I’m the person who half-assed a juice cleanse just to save money.

An Analysis Of The Jonas Brothers Breakup, Through Lyrics

Posted in Entertainment by

The Background

The JoBros announced this week that they were cancelling their tour. “It is over for now,” said Kevin, the brother who is allowed to have sex now.  Their spokesman – not “a source,” but actual spokesperson – said “there is a deep rift within the band. There was a big a disagreement over their music direction.” Nick Jonas, who is supposed to be the cute one, maybe?, said “the pro is that you have a really good support system. The con is that you are with the same people every day for a long time, which, if you’re family or not, can be a lot at times.” Ouch. Joe Jonas, the other brother, who is neither the youngest nor the most sexually active of the group, added glumly, “it was a unanimous decision.” If you’ve been paying attention to the lyrics, you probably saw it coming.

Our “Qualifications”

Did you see our post, A Psychological Analysis Of Miley Cyrus’ Lyrics? It was published before any singles on Miley’s new album dropped, well before the fated VMA performance, and it foretold the very things concern trolls were going to say about Miss Destiny Hope months later. Clearly, there were some secrets in her songs, and I was just the lady to extract them, by poking and prodding and contorting her lyrics until secrets exploded out like horrible cystic acne.

So, it’s like I’m some kind of combination of a psychologist, a psychic, a literary analyst, and an esthetician*.  CBS or FOX could make a series about me solving stuff via blog and cast a way more attractive person in my place. They could call it The Blog Psychic or The Lyrical Psychologist, though the latter sounds more like a Weinstein-y Oscars bait piece, especially if they cast a more attractive person in my place but fit her with prosthetics to make her less attractive. Just, you know, do a Full Halle. Really Charlize it. All of that.

When I saw that the Jonas Brothers broke up, I knew the clues were in their lyrics, too. They had to be. So, I Veronica Mars’ed it a little. And friends, the signs were there all along.

The Evidence:

Time For Me To Fly

Lyrics:

Time for me to fly
Time for me to soar
Time for me to open up my heart and knock on heavens door
Time for me to live
It’s time for me to sing
Time for me to lay down all my worries and I’ll spread my wings
Time for me to fly

Analysis:

This is early, early Jonas Brothers – vintage 2006 – but obviously someone was already pretty over it. Some may say that the lyrics about “heaven’s door”, wings, and “lay[ing] down all my worries” are oblique references to death and heaven. To that I say, Yeah. EXACTLY. It was T-7 years until the demise of the JoBros and someone was already ready to die to get out.

That’s Just The Way We Roll

Lyrics:

I woke up on my roof with my brothers
There’s a whale in the pool with my mother
And my dad paints the house different colors
Where would we be, if we couldn’t dream?

Analysis:

First of all, as you enter your twenties – as the Jonas Brothers have maybe, probably all done by now – children of unstable homes, all roof-sleeping with large aquatic mammals in the pool, slapping the  house in the wackiest colors Benjamin Moore could dream of, learn to create a little stability for themselves. That’s why the old one got married, and had or is going to have a baby. I forget which. Does it really matter?

The Langston Hughes-y line at the end of the verse says it all: Where would we be, if we couldn’t dream? Truly, what happens to a dream deferred? Does it shrivel up like a raisin in the sun, leaving you stranded on a tour bus with your adult siblings, singing pop tunes to a rapidly waning fan-base of young girls? Or does it explode, like so much water from the blowhole of a swimming pool whale?

Pushing Me Away

Lyrics:

You’re going nowhere
Try to fix what you’ve done […]
Pushing me away
Every last word, every single thing you say […]
try to stop me now but it’s already too late […]
If you really don’t care then say it to my face
Pushing me away

Analysis:

Wow, guys. Just wow. Pretty prescient, right? Going nowhere? As in, staying in one place? Because you are not on tour? A tour where you would, presumably, be going somewhere? Pushing me away – as in, out of our Band of Brothers? Signs, signs, everywhere a sign.

Sorry

Lyrics:

Broken hearts and last goodbyes
Restless nights but lullabies
Helps to make this pain go away
I realize I let you down
Told you that I’d be around
Buildin’ up the strength just to say

I’m sorry
For breakin’ all the promises that I wasn’t around to keep
It’s all me
This time is the last time I will ever beg you to stay
But you’re already on your way

Analysis:

As the oldest Jonas Brother prepares to embrace fatherhood (lullabies!), he takes stock of his band’s inevitable breakup (last goodbyes!). He told his brothers he’d be around (because they’re brothers!) but ultimately wasn’t able to keep his promise (they broke up!). He begs the others to stay (“unanimous decision,” Joe? The lady doth protest too much.) Even five years ago, Kevin was planning his out as soon as he welcomed his firstborn. Perhaps before the band took off, he met the devil, disguised as an old jazz man or a swamp witch, who promised him fame and glory in exchange for his firstborn. Maybe that’s why it had to end now. Maybe that was the only way.

Don’t Speak

Lyrics:

I thought I was cool
But I just looked a fool
For so long
Now you’re gone […]
Don’t speak to me […]
I recall all our fights

Analysis:

As the first decade of the 2000s comes to a close, a Jonas Brother – maybe Nick, maybe not – realizes that he does not look as cool as he once thought he did. Once young enough to be ensnared by Disney’s glittery neon web, he has grown and changed since the band’s early days. He names his song after a hit single by No Doubt, hoping, praying, that it lends him some credibility – that it makes him cool, rather than looking like a fool. Sometimes the brothers do not speak, but they fight. And Nick, or whoever, remembers. How could he forget?

Found

Lyrics:

Kids gotta grow
This kind of life is bound to bore you
Yeah I should know
But you always seem to break the rhythm
In this messed up world

Analysis:

This 2013 tune could be one of the last the Jonas Brothers ever record, and it lays it all out there, raw and real. Children grow up. This kind of life – a pop trio with your brothers – is bound to bore you, no matter how many games of Mario Kart I imagine they play on their tour bus, how many bags of Cheetos and Sour Patch Kids are probably guaranteed on their tour rider. It is time to break the rhythm in this messed up world — to end the band. As Fleetwood Mac once said, time makes you bolder, children get older, and Joe, Nick, and Kevin are getting older, too.

* Note: this satire. I am not a psychologist, a psychic, a literary analyst, nor an esthetician. I have no insight into the Jonas Brothers breakup. I don’t even know which one is which. As in, I had to look up their names. I thought there was a Matt – like, really could have sworn there was a Matt. Are we sure they didn’t break up because they stopped asking Matt around? I feel bad for him.