Alright folks. I may have been a product of the 90s, but I was never really a Dawson’s Creek fan. Watching it as a middle schooler meant sitting in my living room while my parents were there. Because I knew that the show involved ‘kissing’ I didn’t want to risk being around them while it happened on TV.
So in saying that, I’ve probably seen a total of 5 episodes of DC in my life. Overall, I know the big plot lines (Andie goes cray, Jack is gay, and Jen doesn’t have a happy ending), but not the details of each season. And because the winter hiatus came creeping in and I am psycho and ran out of new episodes to watch, I decided to start a new series. Thanks Netflix, for contributing to my addiction.
While there’s a good number of gals (and guys) my age that have probably seen it or are dedicated fans, I figured I would represent the other half that never really got into it or haven’t seen it at all. To help us all learn more about 90s pop culture, teens in that era, and really, learn more about ourselves, I thought I’d do a quick overview of each of the six seasons from the perspective of an adult. Enjoy!
Episode 1: Pilot
This show is just so 90s I can’t handle it. I mean Pacey works at a video store. A VIDEO STORE. Honestly, kids growing up now will never know, or possibly don’t know at this very moment what a video store is. Sad yet true fact.
Maybe it’s because I instinctively want BFFs Dawson and Joey to try dating, but I really just don’t believe Jen would ever want to date Dawson. I understand why he’s into the new girl in town who literally walks in with her floral jumper out of a ‘taxi’ and in slow-mo toward him in the most ridiculous way possible. While she probably just wanted to make friends and be liked, this took it a step too far. I’m too old to be watching this show and critically analyzing it, huh?
dat taxi cab doe
So this whole Pacey/teacher affair. I totally forgot about it happening until now. Per my research the whole Mary Kay Letourneau thing happened in 1997, one year before DC premiered – so all of this was fresh in the audience’s mind. Despite the fact shows like Law & Order: SVU ‘rip from the headlines’ all the time these days, it seems like quite a ballsy move to depict something as controversial as a teacher/student/statutory rape storyline when there’s a story out there that’s still making headlines. Dawson’s Creek – it’s nothing if not cutting edge.
Episode 5: Hurricane
I’ve been trying to place where I know Tamara ‘Mary Kay Letourneau’ Jacobs from without looking at IMDb and I finally caved after 5 episodes: she played bitchy Shira Huntzberger (Logan’s passive aggressive WASPy mom) on Gilmore Girls! Someone needs to stress smoke after this affair.
Episode 7: Detention
Speaking of ripping from the headlines, is this the sequel to The Breakfast Club? And is the librarian’s name Mrs. Tingle? JK, it’s Mrs. TRingle. That would’ve been too weird to be the same name as the titular character in a movie Katie Holmes was in. Apparently Kevin Williamson, creator/executive producer of DC, also directed Teaching Mrs. Tingle. It makes sense now.AND OMG HELEN MIRREN WAS MRS. TINGLE?!!? I can’t believe there’s so much I don’t know about this world.
Episode 9: Roadtrip
The opening shot of this episode involved Savage Garden’s Truly Madly Deeply, Dawson staring out his window and in shambles because Jen Lindley broke up with him. That is all.
Episode 10: Double Date
Can we talk about Scott Foley for a second? This was like, at the height of his heartthrob-ness and I can’t take it. There was a point where I was watching him on my TV in this episode while simultaneously reblogging this gif of him and Fitz in a (sexually charged) scene from Scandal. The man just gets better with age.
Joey and Pacey foreshadowing? EHHH? EHH?!?!?? Dawson also needs to stop being a dick and make up his mind. Ugh, teen angst.
Episode 11: The Scare
Again, Kevin Williamson is really into self promoting, or maybe just a masochist and enjoys hinting at his other projects in the ones he’s currently working on, but an entire Scream sequence? Okay. We get it.
Episode 12: Beauty Contest
OH DEAR LORD I HAVE NEVER CRINGED AS MUCH AS I HAVE WHEN WATCHING JOSEPHINE POTTER SINGING ON MY OWN. Why couldn’t they just do it Zefron style and have someone else sing for you? It’s so bad that it’s not even second hand embarrassment anymore. And singing On My Own while Dawson watches in the wings?? Captain Obvious, much?
This ep also had some serious Miss Bayside flashbacks for me too. I was expecting Pacey to pull out from behind and be like Screech, but alas. Some other bitch won Miss Windjammer. And this is also solidified the fact Joshua Jackson is clearly the best actor on the show. All the (Teen Choice) Awards for you, sir.
Episode 13: Decisions
Joey visits her father in prison, and it’s probably because the last ‘jail-related’ show I watched was Orange is the New Black, but I half-expected Pornstache and Pennsawtucky to come out from behind him. Wrong show, wrong jail. Not real.
The thing that we had been anticipating the entire season finally happened. Dawson and Joey kissed… But why do I feel so awk sauce?
WILL JOEY AND DAWSON CONTINUE THEIR KISSING TO THE NEXT SEASON? TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO FIND OUT!
Well folks, with the Golden Globes behind us, awards season is officially in full swing. And with that, Hollywood’s best and brightest call up their designer friends (or really, vice versa) for hand-picked gowns which will either be feted or shat upon. and we’re here to add to the noise. Did your favorites make the list? Think we got it wrong? Let us know!
Traci’s Picks:
Best Dressed
Lupita Nyong’o in Ralph Lauren
I mean can you even. I remember when Gwyneth Paltrow was one of the first ladies to wear a cape to the red carpet– and I wasn’t sure about this new fad. However with Lupita I am SO SO SO into it. She looks flawless, with a beauty that isn’t trying too hard – or trying at all. She may not have won a Globe but she should be at the top of everyone’s best dressed lists.
Amy Poehler in Stella McCartney
Well, no surprise here. Amy is wearing one of her fave designers and that friendship has worked to her advantage because the dress looks perfect on her (it’s worth noting that it was custom made for Queen Amy). The only thing that makes it look better – her Golden Globe.
Amy Adams in Marchesa
I love a good color block. And Amy looks gorge in this gown, which apparently was inspired by her American Hustle costumes. And I’m ok with it.
Olivia Wilde in Gucci
It delights me when pregnant celebs opt to show off their baby bumps but still manage to look glamorous at the same time. This is pregnancy chic, y’all.
Sarah Hyland in Georges Hobieka
Sarah Hyland is usually on the cusp of my lists- either for the better or the worse but this time around it’s for the better. She looks ethereal in this flowing salmon dress and her Valentino runway inspired hair is the perfect match for the gown.
Worst Dressed
Paula Patton in Stephane Rolland Couture
Paula Patton’s dress at the Golden Globes or a Georgia O’Keefe painting come to life? Talk about your Blurred Lines. Amirite, ladies?
Zoe Saldana in Prabal Gurung
Oh Zoe. You’re usually on top of it on the red carpet, but instead, you took it, chopped it up and vomitted it back out and came back with this thing.
Edie Falco in Lanvin
I wouldn’t pin Edie Falco as a fashion trendsetter per say, but she’s been to enough of these awards shows to know that this does not look good – either IRL or on camera. It looks like she got some satin from the sheets of Hugh Hefner’s bed and placed it on top of her person. Stop imagining Hefner’s bed.
Drew Barrymore in Monique Luhillier
Remember what I said about pregnancy chic? Yeah, this isn’t it. Bless. Still love you Drew.
Bernice Bejo in Giambattista Valli
If you’re wondering who this is, you’ll probably remember her as the girl in The Artist, you know that huge movie from a couple years ago? Yeah. It’s been a while since she’s see these awards shows, so let’s just blame it on that.
Molly’s Picks:
Best Dressed
Lupita Nyong’o in Ralph Lauren
Just really shamelessly getting another picture of Lupita Nyong’o onto the site. Traci nailed it: Nyong’o isn’t even trying to be so beautiful (short hair, light makeup), she just IS. So, the perfect dress for her has a bit of interest (the cape) but is otherwise minimalist so the focus is on Lupita, not the clothes.
Michelle Dockery in Oscar De La Renta
Be sure to look at some close-ups of the pattern and beading on this. As a fellow milk-white person, I appreciate how Dockery really sells her coloring. Elegant works better for Michelle’s look than edgy, and she knows it, but the mullet skirt adds an on-trend touch.
Cate Blanchett in Armani Prive
Somehow, despite being a gown of sheer black lace with Swarovski crystals on the tulle-lined skirt, this manages to look restrained. In close-ups, the bodice is beautifully constructed.
Mila Kunis in Gucci
There’s restraint, and then there’s “screw it, this is one of the most formal events a person gets to go to and I’m going to wear a fabulous metallic silver gown.” I like that approach, too. The delicate lower part of the skirt balances the heavy metallics and bold neck detail.
Zooey Deschanel in Oscar de la Renta
I’ll be honest: this actually falls somewhere between best and worst for me, but it’s getting a lot of buzz and I think we should talk about it. I can’t decide whether I LOVE the monochrome, multi-textured look as a whole, but the individual pieces (shoes! crop top!) are fab. I think there was something “off” about Deschanel’s eye makeup, because every time I saw her I thought she looked different than usual around the eyes – sleepy, almost.
Worst Dressed
Emma Watson in Dior
Let’s call a spade a spade: this is a glorified apron. Remember when skorts and culottes were in style, and you’d go into third grade and be like “guess what? This isn’t really a skirt!” That isn’t a good approach on the red carpet. Watson gets points for trying something different, and for the color combo of that dress (drants? dracks? dreggings?) and those shoes.
Megan Mullally
Oh, honey. No.
Julia Roberts in Dolce and Gabana
Roberts’ look is “trying something on over your clothes because there’s no open fitting room” or “overly modest Duggar-type girl who wears extra shirts under everything so nobody can see her collarbone.” The only excuse for this is if Roberts got some bad sleeve tats and doesn’t want us to see.
Zoe Saldana in Prabal Gurung
Prabal Gurung is hit or miss with me, and this was a wide miss. One commentator said that this evokes Saldana’s “ballet background,” which I guess is true, in that it looks like several of my five-year-old niece’s recital costumes sewn together.
Usher in Calvin Klein Collection
This is already making some best dressed lists, but I’m going to go against the grain and say that there’s a time and a place for an Oxblood suit. The time is never and the place is nowhere.
Good evening (or afternoon, depending) and welcome to our 2014 Golden Globes Live Blog! Today, as always, please refresh your browser window periodically to load our updates. Keeps the “live” in “live blog,” you know. You can also find us on twitter throughout the event: @cookiessangria
Preshow
M: First thing I saw when I turned on the preshow was Lupita Nyong’o in a red dress with a cape. She has sleek, side-parted hair like a debonair gent in the Gatsby era, or young Isabella Rosselini. I say both of those as a huge compliment. Also, she recently graduated from Yale. And most importantly, she has the most perfect face ever. Honestly, just try to find something wrong with her face.
AND THEN. AND THEN. Biggest game-changer ever. Amy Adams is ALSO wearing a red dress with a cape. Ho-ly shit. How did this happen? Even small-town prom dress shops won’t sell the same dress to two girls going to the same prom.
Never fear. The cape (coat?) came off.
Does Tina Fey’s Dress have umbrellas printed on it????? In case you missed it, the little tiny man from E! offered to help her and her big ol’ dress train down the stairs, then just dropped her off at the banister and said “here, use the railing.” Rude. Also her dress does not have umbrellas printed on it, I just need to be less resistant to wearing my glasses.
Sarah Hyland looks like she’s from Game of Thrones. Note: I don’t watch Game of Thrones but I know it’s the one with the Pinterest-y braids and bad weddings.
Amy Adams is wearing a dress that is two shades of red, with red hair, on a red carpet. I’d complain about too much red but having spent a lifetime hearing what colors redheads CAN’T wear, Amy Adams can do what she wants.
Giuliana Rancic and Margot Robbie just had a conversation that played out like an awkward bar closing time pickup. To wit:
G: So… are you single?
M: …yes.
G: Ah, well not for long! Maybe you’ll meet someone tonight!
M: Well, I’m not really into actors…
G: [eyes light up]
Kerry Washington looks like a beautiful pregnant snowball.
Kerry Washington never spills.
M: Jennifer Lawrence… Jennifer Lawrence. As a mere mortal, I CANNOT wear 30 yards of white fabric literally tied directly under my ass, but Jennifer Lawrence isn’t the rest of us and it kind of looks okay. Or possibly like ascot opening day.
Sosie Bacon… your father may be only six degrees from everyone… you may call Tina Fey and Amy Poehler “Tina and Amy,” but your first name is still “Sosie” and your last name is still “Bacon.” I’ll always have that on you.
M: Matt Lauer, who looks increasingly like a grizzled sociology professor, just talked about Renaissance paintings. Slow your roll, Lauer. We’re not here for class. We’re here to watch pretty people get shiny things.
I may be making this up in my head… I’m probably making this up in my head… but they’re interviewing Tina and Amy, who are both just radiantly lovely, and does Amy Poehler look nervous? Probably not, right? Probably just that fluttery feeling you get when you’re about to KILL at something but it’s not time for you to do it yet. By the way, Tina Fey’s dress does NOT look like umbrella print, but maybe it’s some sort of Rorschach thing, and I was just projecting that my feelings for Tina Fey can best be summed up by Rihanna’s pop hit “Umbrella.”
Let’s talk about Michelle Dockery. Somehow, to me she always looks like Lady Mary dropped into a different milieu. She looks like if Lady Mary were a 2010s television actress, right now. Her dress is shimmery embossed perfection.
upstairs.
M: Matt Damon has greying temples. I’m not ready for this. He looks great, but he’ll always be the little scamp from Good Will Hunting to me.
And now, the queen of really iffy sounding blind items, Hayden Panettiere! Her brooch looks like a bow from a Christmas package. Her hair looks like it’s trying to be both a Mohawk but a full head of hair as well. Girl, you can’t have your cake and look like a dumbass too.
Kerry Washington is doing that thing where you cup your pregnant belly so that people know you’re not just fat. Hey ladies: you can pull that same move to get people to give up their seats for you on the bus, pregnant or not.
Cate Blanchett, who looks very pretty, just said that when deciding to do Blue Jasmine, Woody Allen “is all a girl needs to hear.” Is she trolling us, or is she hosting the 2014 Golden Globes Create Your Own Punchline Contest?
Tina Fey And Amy Poehler’s Lee Daniels’ The Butler Golden Globe Awards
M:Traci, when you get here can you tell me whether the GGs are held in a residential neighborhood? Because the aerial view was weird.
T: ^^ it’s in Beverly Hills, – so residential adjacent
T: HI FRIENDS I’M CHIMING IN AS MUCH AS I CAN BECAUSE I’M AT WORK AND I’M A REALLY GOOD EMPLOYEE. I can’t even focus because Amy and Tina are stunningly beautiful. Like my eyes can’t handle it.
M: Yes. Like, I needed them to train the camera on Martin Scorcese for a bit to give my eyes a break. There are still great roles for “Meryl Streeps” over 60, says Tina. Tina has one of those glorious hair-cape heads of hair, like Kate Middleton.
Tina Fey: “George Cloooney would rather float into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.” ZING.
Tina Fey again: Matthew McConoghey lost 45 pounds … or what actresses call ‘being in a movie.”
T: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: The only people who can make a joke about slavery and get away with it.
M: Yeah, it’s like a charming joke about slavery when they do it.
T: “The Blacklist is who’s invited to my room tonight” – ME TOO TINA. ME TOO.
M: Sandra Bullock, color blocking like a BOSS. (My boss doesn’t color block, he mostly wears button-ups and slacks.)
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
Sally Hawkins, Blue Jasmine
Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle
Lupita Nyong’o, 12 Years A Slave
Julia Roberts, August: Osage County
June Squibb, Nebraska
Molly’s Pick: Lupita Nyong’o
Traci’s Pick: Jennifer Lawrence
Winner: Jennifer Lawrence
Jennifer Lawrence: I actually DID watch all of the movies this year… well not all of them, you know what I mean.
T: J Law, never one to disappoint. I hope the HFPA keeps giving you awards even though you don’t want them to.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Jacqueline Bisset, Dancing On The Edge
Janet McTeer, White Queen
Hayden Panettiere, Nashville
Monica Potter, Parenthood
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family
Molly’s Pick: Monica Potter. I missed season 4 so I just watched it on Netflix, and HOLY COW why didn’t somebody warn me NOT to watch season 4?
Traci’s Pick: Monica Potter. It’s about damn time Parenthood got recognized and if cancer’s what it takes, then so be it.
Winner: Jacqueline Bisset
M: I don’t know who was expecting that less, us or Jacqueline Bisset. But, judging by her speech, it was Jacqueline Bisset. My favorite part was when the audio cut out, only to return on the word “shit.” My least-favorite part was the rest of it.
T: Um is Jaqueline Bisset going to pass out? Slash is it embar that I always think she’s related to Jackie O? (Is she related to Jackie O?) Is she gonna vomit? OH MY GOD THIS IS THE WORST ACCEPTANCE SPEECH IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. INCLUDING THAT TIME THE NATIVE AMERICAN ACCEPTED FOR MARLON BRANDO.
PS: Monica Potter was ROBBED.
M: Seconded. You should all watch Parenthood Season Four. Or, maybe don’t? Shit gets real.
BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
AMERICAN HORROR STORY: COVEN (FX Networks)
BEHIND THE CANDELABRA (HBO)
DANCING ON THE EDGE (Starz)
TOP OF THE LAKE (Sundance Channel)
WHITE QUEEN (Starz)
Molly’s Pick: American Horror Story
Traci’s Pick: Behind the Candelabra
Winner: Behind The Candelabra
M: Well, apparently we didn’t set this up with our predictions, but Elisabeth Moss just won Best Actress in a MiniSeries, etc. for Top of The Lake. She looks very Lady Mary tonight and it just took her about 8 minutes to navigate her way to the stage. It’s going to run late, solely because of all of the damn walking. Really, if I wanted to watch people walk medium-slow I would have gone to the mall at 7am when they open early for the mall walkers.
T: Fact: I hated HATED Top of the Lake, but Elisabeth Moss was so so good in it. If there’s some kind of montage on YouTube that just shows the scenes that she’s in, watch that, because the whole thing is the worst.
M: I’m so glad you said that, because I watched the first episode and decided that I just couldn’t deal with all that. Let’s take a moment to appreciate that Google Docs (where we’re drafting this) actually recognized that “Elizabeth Moss” was a mistake. You know there’s a real-life Elizabeth Moss out there who hates this feature.
M:Jonah Hill and a blonde woman stumble over a category because there’s no teleprompter. Shouldn’t he be funnier making things up as he goes along? Speaking of funny, they’re introducing Wolf of Wall Street, so I can maybe figure out how it’s in the comedy category.
Nope. Still don’t get it. But there was a shot of Gwyneth Paltrow opening a water bottle, so don’t worry, Goop is hydrated.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan
Michael Sheen, Masters Of Sex
Kevin Spacey, House Of Cards
James Spader, The Blacklist
Molly’s pick: Bryan Cranston
Traci’s Pick: Bryan Cranston
Winner: Bryan Cranston
T: Vince Gilligan has already taken off his tie, because he knows he already has these wins in the bag? Probs.
M: Definitely. His night was over before it began.
BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
BREAKING BAD (AMC)
DOWNTON ABBEY (PBS)
THE GOOD WIFE (CBS)
HOUSE OF CARDS (Netflix)
MASTERS OF SEX (Showtime)
Molly’s Pick: Breaking Bad
Traci’s Pick: Breaking Bad
M: Aaron Paul took it away with a “yeah, bitch!” How did the censors not realize the inevitable end to any sentence spoken by Aaron Paul?
T: Well I think since they already accidentally miss-bleeped Jaqueline Bisset’s ‘SHIT’, and a few camera angles are out of sync, NBC is doing what it does best – fucks up.
M: The dude who just won for best score looks like Mokkiki from SNL. I feel like he’s about to do the Sloppy Swish.
T: He also looks like he just came off the boat with Robert Redford. Also P Diddy Sean Combs Puff Daddy Diddy Dirty Money is SUCH a ham in whatever he does. It’s like I anticipated him to takeover the mic while Washed Ashore accepted his award.
M: I just sat there while he was speaking trying to remember the proper form of address for him. I haven’t had such struggles since I lived in Spain and had to decide whether to “tu” or “usted” somebody.
BEST ORIGINAL SONG – MOTION PICTURE
“Atlas”, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
“Let It Go”, Frozen
“Ordinary Love”, Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom
“Please Mr Kennedy”, Inside Llewyn Davis
“Sweeter Than Fiction”, One Chance
Molly’s Pick: Let it Go
Traci’s Pick: Let It Go
Winner: Ordinary Love
M: I just said WHAAAAAT?! out loud. Okay, we all love Bono, but get a grip, Hollywood Foreign Press. He doesn’t have to win all the time.
M: Is there a reason Puff Combs Daddy Money just said “let it go, let it go, let it go” to the tune of let it snow? Just to stick it to Idina Menzel? HER YEAR HAS BEEN HARD ENOUGH.
T: The only reason U2 winning is worth it: close-up shots of Idris Elba. ::insert emoji with heart eyes::
Gratuitous Photo of Idris Elba. JK, no photo of him is gratuitous. We need this.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Josh Charles, The Good Wife
Rob Lowe, Behind the Candelabra
Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
Corey Stoll, House Of Cards
Jon Voight, Ray Donovan
Molly’s Pick: Rob Lowe
Traci’s Pick: Aaron Paul – but Corey Stoll was SO good in House of Cards.
Winner: John Voight
T: UGH JON VOIGHT? THE GUY WHO WEARS THE EXACT SAME TUX/OUTFIT TO EVERY AWARDS SHOW? OVER AARON PAUL? And is there some kind of vacuum up at the mic where people suddenly lose their voice? Get it together, folks.
M: You may know Jon Voight from seeing talking about his beef with his daughter, Angelina Jolie, on Access Hollywood.
Also if you lick Jon Voight’s face (DON’T DO THAT) you would get botulism. So much botox in there.
T: SURPRISE: ROBERT DOWNEY JR. And he just winked and I feel like it was directly towards me.
M: Oh, I think it WAS toward you. Don’t doubt it.
Just this morning I was reading about how RDJ was possibly the secret celebrity source behind the blind item comments on CDaN and now I can’t look at him without thinking he’s the Gossip Girl of Hollywood.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
T: Aww J Law is just as happy for Amy Adams as she was for winning her own award! If anyone should win over Meryl, it’s Amy.
I bet T. Swift congratulated Chastain for her work in American Hustle. I understand.
M: How DARE the music cut off Amy Adams! Oh, Amy Adams totally just shut that down and told the music that it couldn’t play her out of talking about her daughter. Adorable. I love Amy Adams so much that I’m going to make myself some flashcards or something to learn how to tell her, Isla Fisher and Jessica Chastain apart. I should be better at this but evidently all skinny red-haired white ladies look the same to me.
T: The Modern Family table always looks like they had a good time at these drinking events. I’d like to sit at the table. Or the Parks and Rec table. Or the SNL-alum table/whereever Jimmy Fallon is.
M: Oooh, I’m going for Parks and Rec table, because they look like they have so much fun together. But if they put Jimmy Fallon and Seth Meyers at the same table, that might be fun. Or I guess anywhere with a clear eye-line toward Idris Elba.
T: “HEY YOUR NAME IS SOSIE – WHAT ARE YOU THE OLYMPICS?!?!?” I CANNOT. Poehler as a tiny boy is A++++. She did that in SNL a bunch, right?
M: Yeah, anytime Amy Poehler plays an under-18 is A+ and I wish there was a way to make that sound less creepy.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Tatiana Maslany, Orphan Black
Taylor Schilling, Orange Is The New Black
Kerry Washington, Scandal
Robin Wright, House Of Cards
Molly’s Pick: I can’t do this. I guess Tatiana Maslany, which is probably wishful thinking on my part – but if either Maslany, Schilling, or Washington wins, I will be jumping for joy.
Traci’s Pick: I think if Tatiana Maslany has a shot at winning any award it will be for this one. So I’m taking a shot and saying her. But like Molly, I will jump for joy and spill red wine all over my white trench coat if Kerry Washington wins.
Winner: Robin Wright
M: So, literally the only person I didn’t really care about? Cool.
T: Hey Robin Wright gave a shout out to the best acceptance speech giver in the world – Merritt Wever at the Emmys. I want to rewatch that a million times over and over again right now.
M: Here ya go: Agreed, best ever.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
Barkhad Abdi, Captain Phillips
Daniel Bruhl, Rush
Bradley Cooper, American Hustle
Michael Fassbender, 12 Years A Slave
Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club
Molly’s Pick: Bradley Cooper
Traci’s Pick: Jared Leto
Winner: Jared Leto
M: So, my main association with Jared Leto (other than Jordan Catelano) is when I used to read my sister’s Seventeen magazines when I was like 7, every issue contained all of these fawning pieces about Jared Leto. And I get it now, but I remember seeing him at the time and being really confused about it all. [In case you’re wondering, the rest of the magazine during that era was fashion spreads with a lot of plaid, and “Trauma-Rama” columns about girls accidentally calling their boyfriend’s mom instead of their own mom for, like, tampon problems.]
BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE
Spike Jonze, Her
Bob Nelson, Nebraska
Jeff Pope & Steve Coogan, Philomena
John Ridley, 12 Years A Slave
Eric Warren Singer & David O Russell, American Hustle
Molly’s Pick: Spike Jonze
Traci’s Pick: Spike Jonze
Winner: Spike Jonze
M: Best part of this award? Emma Thompson presenting the award with her shoes in one hand and her drink in another.
T: I don’t think I’ve ever seen Spike Jonze or I just don’t ever remember his face? How adorable is he?
M: I was expecting someone completely different. This is also the first time I’ve realized that Jonze is a sassy homophone of Jones.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Jason Bateman, Arrested Development
Don Cheadle, House Of Lies
Michael J. Fox, The Michael J. Fox Show
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Andy Samberg, Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Molly’s Pick: Jason Bateman
Traci’s Pick: Jim Parsons
Winner: Andy Samberg
Andy Samberg: Stunned, like the rest of us
M: THRILLED about this, as was presenter Seth Meyers, who declared it the best night ever.
T: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I LITERALLY JUST STOOD UP AND JUMPED FOR JOY. IT’S LIKE THE BEST FLUKE EVER! LORNE MICHAELS IS STILL STOIC BUT SUCH A PROUD DAD AHHH HE THANKED AKIVA AND JORMA TOO!! THE TINA/AMY PARTY IS GOING TO BE OFF THE HOOK TONIGHT. We just need Amy to win now and all will be right with the world.
M: I just flapped my hands. Jeeeeez. Also, Joanna Newsom looks super super pretty and I assume she has a lute or air-harp or gnome hidden in her dress.
M: This is sort of apropos of nothing, but this is by far the best picture to emerge from the night so far:
M: They just announced the best foreign language film and all I know is that it’s not the French one with the lesbians.
I LOVE that Julia Louis-Dreyfus is always up for an awards show bit (eg: pretending to ignore Tina and Amy while eating a hot dog with the works).
T: Also not wearing a tie: Idris Elba. Also who should just do away with everything else and strip down naked: Idris Elba.
M: No, I really think Idris Elba can wear a tie. [Just a tie.] [Actually that would be weird. So, either nothing or like, normal clothes.]
T: Emma Watson, the classiest Gryffindor broad this side of the pond. *cue P Diddy Dirty Money’s Let it Flowwww song*
M: Ugh is THAT what Diddy Daddy was trying to do earlier?
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
THE CROODS
DESPICABLE ME 2
FROZEN
Molly’s Pick: Frozen. Just like to point out that this is the only category while I’ve seen all the nominees.
Traci’s Pick: Frozen
Winner: Frozen
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Zooey Deschanel, New Girl
Lena Dunham, Girls
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
Amy Poehler, Parks & Recreation
Molly’s Pick: Amy Poehler. Please?
Traci’s Pick: Amy Poehler. If I put it out in the universe enough it will eventually happen.
Winner: Amy Poehler (!!!!!)
M: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! Just like to point out that Poehler has been a comedy Susan Lucci. I mean, I’m sure Susan Lucci is very funny. Mostly physical comedy.
Tears sprang into my eyes when they showed the rest of the Parks cast.
T: I AM LIT’RALLY CRYING. TEARS ARE COMING OUT OF MY EYE HOLES. AND YES THE CAST IS SO SO PROUD OF HER AND I JUST LOVE HER SO MUCH IT’S AS IF MY FRIEND JUST WON IS THAT WEIRD? I CAN’T STOP THE CAPS LOCK GUYS. I CAN’T STOP IT. SLASH I NEED TO FIND OUT WHERE THIS AFTER PARTY IS BECAUSE IT IS GOING TO BE RAGINNNNN
M: I’m like, leaving to go get a tissue-level crying.
M: Oh my god, was Tina’s comment that there was “a special place in hell” for Amy a throwback to T.Swift’s dumb comment about Amy and Tina? ROUND OF APPLAUSE.
Diane Keaton has sort of started to look like the Barbie Doll tribute version of herself.
NBC. Take a chill pill. They started cutting off the audio when Keaton said “God Damn” and kept going for about a minute. But they brought the audio back for a creep-tastic rendition of “Make New Friends.” Lucky… us?
By the way, Traci had to restart her computer but texted that she knew I was commenting on the creepy song. So, Cookies + Sangria Bi-Coastal Consensus: that shit was creepy.
She also told me that Taran Killam tweeted about the best score guy and Mokiki, so Taran, it’s cool that you read our blog.
Yes it's true. Alex Ebert is the real life inspiration for Mokiki's hair. True story. No joke.
Molly’s Pick: Parks (should win); Modern Family or Girls (will win)
Traci’s Pick: Girls
Winner: Brooklyn Nine-Nine
T: OH MY GOD BROOKLYN NINE-NINE?!?!?! IS THIS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?!?! MIKE SCHUR! CHELSEA PERETTI LOOKS SO PRETTY. This is just too much. I cannot handle this.
M: Everything is amazing right now. This is one of those dorky moments where I remember watching Chelsea Peretti on YouTube sketch comedy when I was in college, like 7 years ago and nobody had ever heard of her, and I just feel so happy for her right now.
By the way, Brooklyn Nine-Nine is really good and you should all watch it. I just didn’t pick it because I didn’t think it had a chance.
M: I just figured out what J.Law’s dress reminds me of. It’s those dolls you’d make by folding over a bunch of yarn then tying it in bunches around the waist and butt.
But don’t worry, the internet is ON IT like a bonnet:
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Christian Bale, American Hustle
Bruce Dern, Nebraska
Leonardo DiCaprio, The Wolf Of Wall Street
Oscar Isaac, Inside Llewyn Davis
Joaquin Phoenix, Her
Molly’s Pick: Leonardo DiCaprio. But I’ve heard enough things that happen in Wolf of Wall Street to emphatically NOT want to see it, and apparently it’s a comedy, too?
Traci’s Pick: I feel like Bruce Dern might take this one. Just like Kate Winslet, my heart lies with Leo.
Winner: Leonardo DiCaprio
T: I am standing and clapping for Leo. The one year Kate’s at home tending to her new kid, she’s not here to witness Leo winning. Also could this finally be the year the Oscars recognize Leo?
M: Fittingly, the celebrities who are responsible for about 50% of our blog traffic (Leo DiCaprio and Amy Poehler) have won (but they were winners in our hearts already). /plug/ By the way, have you seen our Leo and Amy posts? /plug/
M: SHOW US KATE JEEZ. Wait, is she there?
T: Sadly I don’t think so. Better things to do, like hang out with a baby. Her baby, not just any baby.
T: PS Sosie Bacon is NOT kidding around on this stage. She is hustlin.
M: Sosie Bacon is proving that she may have gotten this gig through nepotism, but she’s keeping it by handing out those damn trophies promptly and properly.
Also, re: Kate Winslet: I think my favorite thing about her, recently, is that she named her baby Bear, like the animal, and then when asked if she’d give him the surname RocknRoll she was like “no, because I’m a fucking grownup.”
BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
AMERICAN HUSTLE
HER
INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS
NEBRASKA
THE WOLF OF WALL STREET
Molly’s Pick: American Hustle. Or maybe not, because I didn’t realize it was a musical or comedy and I watched the whole thing.
Traci’s Pick: American Hustle
Winner: American Hustle
T: I’m going to be honest with y’all. I liked American Hustle. I did. But did I think it was great? Meh.
M: As I said, I didn’t even realize it was a comedy. I really enjoyed it, but if we’re ranking David O. Russell, Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence flicks, it’s got to be Silver Linings Playbook.
M: Tina Fey: LIKE A SUPERMODEL’S VAGINA, LET’S ALL GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO LEONARDO DICAPRIO. [Then the censors had a tizzy and made the show silent for about 3 seconds. Suck it, NBC.]
T: Me, reacting to that Leo/supermodel zing:
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine
Sandra Bullock, Gravity
Judi Dench, Philomena
Emma Thompson, Saving Mr Banks
Kate Winslet, Labor Day
Molly’s pick: Kate Winslet??? Or statistically, probably an established, well-respected British dramatic actress?
Traci’s pick: Sandra Bullock – but my heart lies with Kate. Forever.
Winner: Cate Blanchett
My heart got all tingly when he said Kate’s name… and again when he said ‘CATE’… Blanchett. What a tease.
M: Me too! Is it just me, or did he say it with a special fondness (for Winslet) but just kind of normal (for Blanchett)?
T: Oh he DEFINITELY did. It was like, you guys know who I really want to name the winner, wink wink. #JackAndRoseForever
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
Chiwetel Ejiofor, 12 Years A Slave
Idris Elba, Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom
Tom Hanks, Captain Phillips
Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club
Robert Redford, All Is Lost
Molly’s pick: Chiwetel Ejiofor, because he was incredible and because I haven’t seen any of those other movies yet.
Traci’s Pick: Super tough category and I haven’t seen any of these films. I’m thinking Chiwetel Ejiofor, but the HFPA might go with a classic like Tom or Robert. So I’ll say my official answer is Matthew McConaughey.
Winner: Matthew McConaughey
T: Alright Alright Alright. Looks like my (nonsense) theory worked.
M: No. – Me, out loud, when Matt McC literally SAYS “alright alright alright.” And I wouldn’t doubt that theory, Traci. I’m using that for the Oscars.
T: Not related, but I’m obsessed with this gif of Kerry Washington.
M: McConaughey is like an SNL parody of himself. OH MY. Not related at all but did you see the back of Emma Watson’s “dress?”
IT’S AN ILLUSION.
T: Did anyone else catch that tender moment during the outro of Seth congratulating Amy??? My heart is exploding with happiness for her. STILL!
T: I stand by this statement: I do not get Johnny Depp. I do not think he is hot. Do not get his appeal. Do not get his faux French/British accent.
M: I have a theory that Johnny Depp is permanently stuck in a time warp from about 1995 – 1998. He doesn’t look like he, himself did during that time, but he always looks like a guy you’d see in 1997.
Best Motion Picture, Drama
12 YEARS A SLAVE
CAPTAIN PHILLIPS
GRAVITY
PHILOMENA
RUSH
Molly’s Pick: 12 Years a Slave
Traci’s Pick: 12 Years a Slave
Winner: 12 Years a Slave
T: I love that half the ballroom is standing up for them. TBH, I haven’t seen this movie. Oops. It’s on my list. don’t worry. He just called Sarah Paulson the Bette Davis of America. Yes.
M: I mean as long as you see it before the Oscars you’re good. Sarah Paulson looks like Galinda?
T: Well, folks, and like that another Golden Globes is over. Let it be known that this show should have just been called the 71st Annual Lee Daniels’ Tina Fey Holy Crap Amy Poehler and Andy Samberg Won Awards Awards.
New Year, new season of endless awards shows. And it all kicks off this Sunday (when we’ll be live blogging too!) for the Golden Globes. Personally, the Golden Globes are my fave next to the Emmys, since I’m more of a TV person but also I like seeing the movie folks rub elbows with the TV folks, or as co-host Amy Poehler called it, “Where the beautiful people of film rub shoulders with the rat-faced people of television.”
So in honor of this weekend’s big event, here are some things to look out for on one of our favorite days of the year.
General Poehler/Fey Awesomeness
Let’s be real. These two queens of comedy/life are the reason why the show last year wasn’t just a snoozefest. They brought life back to the show and did it without making offensive jokes and by bringing unadulterated joy into everyone’s life with their wit and beauty. If you are not like me and watch their monologue from last year on a monthly basis, here’s a refresher.
Surprise Wins
There’s nothing the Hollywood Foreign Press Association loves more than a good surprise. I mean just look at their list of nominees and winners every year. They like to pick underdogs, shows and actors that are new and standout from the crowd, not necessarily going with the grain of every other awards show. For example, this year, one of my favorite new shows this season, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, is nominated for Best Series as well as a Best Actor nom for Andy Samberg. Yes, this Andy Samberg.
Hopefully these surprises will be something like Tatiana Maslany receiving the recognition she deserves in Orphan Black or Monica Potter in Parenthood. Or the ultimate surprise win – Amy Poehler getting a damn award because for some insane reason she gets nominated every year in every awards show but has yet to win shit.
Drinking
Everyone who goes to the Golden Globes knows they’re in for a good time because there’s eating and drinking at the ceremony. It’s not like the Oscars or Emmys where you sit in a theater and watch as the person who you lost to goes up to accept their award. No. The Golden Globes takes place at the Beverly Hilton ballroom, where round tables are set up for dinner. The food from Wolfgang Puck is abundant and the drinks are overflowing like one of Diddy’s Ciroc commercials.
By the end of the night, everyone ends up like this:
Movie and TV Star Intermingling
At the Golden Globes, there are two tiers, the lower tier, which is closer to the stage, reserved for the beautiful movie stars, and the top tier which is where the lowly TV people are relegated. However, during the commercial breaks, which you can sometimes spot right before and after the cut to the ads, these two groups start to converge in an explosion of super celebrity. Here are just a few shots from last year’s ceremony.
George Clooney, Jon Hamm and Ben Affleck in one picture – probs going over the minutes from the last meeting of the Handsome Men’s Club.
Speaking of the layout of the show and drinking, the way the tables are set up literally looks like a maze.
So when the winners attempt to go up to the stage to get their award, it’s a test to see if A) they’re sober enough to find their way to the stage B) Which path they decide to take on the road to the mic, past the A-listers or around the edge with the camera men C) How long the audience is willing to clap for you if you take longer than approx 10 seconds to get up there.
GIFs Galore
There are very few things in life I like more than a good GIF (to be read with a hard ‘G’ because idec how the creator pronounces it, it’s a GIF not a JIF). And because of the lax and usually comedic vibe of the Golden Globes (also to be read with a hard G), there’s plenty of opportunities for animated snippets. Like these:
Greatest photobomb in the history of the world
Tommy Lee Jones is not pleased
Adele high-fiving Daniel Craig, it’s fine.
Now that you’re prepped and may have a potential drinking game at hand, you’re all set for Sunday. And we’ll see you there!
Last week, the cult comedy returned for a fifth season and let me just say for the record – it’s already better than 90% of the episodes from last season.
For those who aren’t fans/not familiar with the situation at hand, Community has always been in underdog status with NBC. It has always been in danger of being cancelled, not to mention its time slot was constantly moved around as well as its premiere date. Fans rallied to save the show, repeating the mantra ‘Six Seasons and a Movie’ in reference to something Abed says in the show.
At the end of season 3, creator/executive producer/mastermind Dan Harmon left the show, leaving his baby in the hands of two other guys who were decent but not as genius as Dan Harmon. Thus, season 4 was widely panned by critics and fans alike (I will say there were at least 3 good episodes. Out of 13).
Luckily for us, Dan Harmon is BACK for the fifth season and we can have renewed hope in this show once again. If you’re one of those folks who stopped watching after season three or mid-season 4, here are some reasons you need to get your ass back to Greendale.
1) Dan Harmon
Except Chevy wouldn’t be thinking this…
Like I mentioned, Dan Harmon is back. His crazy yet talented mind is back. He left the show in the first place because of something to do with NBC and hating Chevy Chase, so now that Chevy is gone and I guess he’s mended his ties with the network, he’s agreed to come back. Not to mention Joel McHale championed for him to come back.
Dan has a certain style of writing, a creative way of telling stories that is so unique that it’s hard to recreate. And that’s clearly been proven. A show as meta and pop culture-refrencey (scientific term) as Community can only be done right by him.
2) Guest Stars
Basically the entire cast of Breaking Bad is going to be on the show, so just watch it. Okay, maybe not the entire cast. Just Jonathan Banks (Mike) who has essentially replaced Chevy Chase and Vince Gilligan (!). Speaking of creators of great TV shows, Mitch Hurwitz, the guy behind Arrested Development will be on, as well as Tobias Funke David Cross. Then there’s also Nathan Fillion, Ben Folds, and Chris Elliot, but hey, who’s keeping track?
3) Jeff Winger as a Teacher
That’s right, everyone’s favorite lawyer-turned-community college student finally graduated and has no where else to go but backwards. But how will the rest of the study group react to this turn of events? Will it just be a shitshow?
These are the show’s bread and butter. With Dan at the helm, he was able to pull off genre spoofs like Spaghetti Westerns, a Law & Order episode, even a Ken Burns type documentary about Pillow Vs. Blanket forts. Not to mention some of my fave concept episodes which involve paintball, Dungeons and Dragons and probably the greatest ep to date – Remedial Chaos Theory which explores a night with the gang in seven alternate timelines. And it looks like we’re back on track with this S5 trailer spoof of Mad Men, which is known for its unrevealing extremely vague promos.
5) Troy’s departure
Ok, I’m not so much as looking forward to this as interested to see how he will leave and if Abed can stay alive for the rest of the series. Troy, played by my boo Donald Glover, is only in 5 of the 13 episodes this season because he’s got better things to do like rap and produce shows because he’s super talented. But will his BFFL Abed be able to go on without him? Will they finally be forced to grow up? Will he take off his shirt one last time? I don’t think I’ll be able to handle this.
Downton Abbey came back for its fourth season last night (for our more law-abiding North American readers anyway), and that talkie is the cat’s. I’m not just beating my gums here — the ’20s were the start of our modern pop-culture age, and the slang was the bee’s knees.
Incorporate some of these phrases and you’ll sound like your favorite sheik or sheba in no time!
23 skidoo! – leave quickly
Example: The coppers are busting the gin mill. 23 skidoo!
And how! – I agree with you SO HARD.
Example:
Herman: Those flappers sure are showing a lot of ankle!
Hattie (showing a lot of ankle): And how!
Bank’s Closed: stop making out
Example: It’s a speakeasy, not a hootenanny. Bank’s closed, Sam and Ida!
Beat one’s gums – to talk a lot of nonsense
Example: Lula says the stock market’s going to tank, but I think she’s just beating her gums.
Beef – a complaint. Actually, just like how we use it now. Thanks, ’20s!
Example:
Myrtle: What’s your beef?
Maude: You borrowed my stockings and got rouge all over the knees!
bee’s knees – really, really awesome
Example: Boy, Josephine, these movies that you have to read sure are the bee’s knees!
bimbo – a macho, overly manly man
Example: Reginald’s always lifting barbells on the boardwalk. What a bimbo!
blind date – a date with a stranger. Actually, just like how we use it now. No thanks, ’20s!
Example: George missed his blind date with Thelma because he was stuck on top of a flagpole.
blotto – drunk
Example: Mabel is completely blotto off that moonshine!
bubs – boobs, but way more fun to say
Example: Now Mabel’s showing her bubs! Geraldine, get her home!
cancelled stamp – a shy, wallflower-y girl who’s not very fun.
Example: Say what you will about Mabel, at least she’s not a cancelled stamp like old Gertie!
cat’s pajamas – particularly great. Often abbreviated to just “the cat’s.”
Example: Ida and Roger think dance marathons are the cat’s pajamas!
dead soldier – empty beer bottle
Example: Clean the dead soldiers off the field, boys! A football game’s starting and they could scratch our leather helmets!
drugstore cowboy – a guy who hangs out in public trying to look good and pick up ladies. See: the text of No Scrubs.
Example: Bernice bobs her hair, and next thing you know she’s taken off with some drugstore cowboy!
Dumb Dora – an unintelligent lady
Example: Maxine’s such a Dumb Dora – you can get better conversation out of a silent film!
gasper – cigarette
Example: Harold says that gaspers can make you sick, but I think he’s just beating his gums.
giggle water – booze
Example: Slow your roll, Mabel. Enough of that giggle water.
half-seas over – drunk
Example: Mabel is completely half-seas over off that moonshine!
handcuff – engagement ring
Example: George has the handcuff on ol’ Thelma and he’s never at the speakeasy anymore.
icy mitt – to coldly blow off a person who’s trying to get with you
Example: Now that Ruth’s a coed, she’s giving all of the townies the icy mitt.
Let George do it – something that you’d say to get out of work.
Example: I don’t want to work on my financial planning for 1929. Ah, let George do it!
Moll – a gangster’s lady-friend
Example:
Moll: No, Irene, this is just the name my parents gave me. I’m not affiliated with the mafia. But I hope my great-granddaughter will be named after me, because what are the chances that the name Molly would be associated with a seedy subculture again in 100 years?
ossified – drunk.
Example: Mabel is completely ossified off that moonshine!
quilt – an alcoholic beverage that keeps you warm
Example:
Mabel: I sure am cold after that sledding party! Somebody get me a quilt.
Ethel: Oh, you’ve had quite enough, Mabel.
Mabel: I meant a literal quilt, though.
petting pantry – a movie theater. Still relevant for anyone who’s gone to the movies only to realize that it was apparently the couple’s show.
Example: Let’s go to the petting pantry! There’s a new Louise Brooks flick. And I want to make out.
So’s your old man – a response to somebody who said something that irritated you. Sort of a “your mama” for the 1920s crowd.
Example:
Phyllis: I saw your beau Jimbo at the petting party with Olive. He’s courting a hussy!
Gladys: So’s your old man!
sheba – girlfriend (or a good-looking lady). For millenials, that usually translates to “this girl I’m kind of hanging out with, I don’t know.”
Example: Arthur’s sheba is Lucille.
sheik – boyfriend (or a good-looking man). Millenials: “that guy I’ve been seeing or whatever, not really sure what we are.”
Example: Lucille’s sheik is Roy. Don’t tell Arthur.
spifflicated – drunk
Example: Mabel is completely splifficated off that moonshine!
struggle buggy – a car’s backseat
Example: Wow, it sure is easier to neck in a struggle buggy than it was in a regular buggy! I always felt like the horses were watching.
Tell it to Sweeney! – I don’t believe you. Tell it to someone who does.
Example: Sick from gaspers, Harold?! Tell it to Sweeney!
zozzled – drunk
Example: Mabel is completely zozzled off that moonshine! I think she might have a problem.
Old trends don’t die as soon as a new one starts. Case in point: 40-something women who still dress like they did in the class of ’87. So, some of the early ’20s Downtoners were still using their World War I and Edwardian-era slang. It’s not too late to start using these words, too:
balmy on the crumpet – crazy
Example: Henrietta is wearing bloomers! She’s gone balmy on the crumpet.
blue devils – feeling down in the dumps
Example: Aminta has the blue devils because her best corset just broke.
beaver – a man’s beard
Example:
Jonesy: Why the long face, Jamesy?
Jamesy (whose face is hairless): I can’t give Clorinda what she wants. I’m a baby-faced boy, but she likes the beaver.
Jonesy: Perhaps she can find a beard elsewhere.
boner – a mistake
Example:
Ronald: I made a real boner while I was courting Flossie in her parents’ parlor. I think I really ruined my chances.
Donald: A boner while courting in her parents’ parlor? What was it?
Ronald: A boner while courting in her parents’ parlor.
cheese it! – stop it!
Example: Cheese it, Edmund! You have to take your cod-liver oil!
clergyman’s daughter – a whore
Example: Bridget’s a clergyman’s daughter, and mark my words, in ten years her little Mabel will be just as bad.
cootie – crabs
Example: Bridget has cooties.
curtains – the end
Example: So… I guess that means it’s curtains for you and Bridget, then?
fittums – a great fit
Example: Constance, your new hobble skirt is just fittums!
jumping jesus – a fanatic
Example: I mean, I’m as excited about the coronation as anyone, but Nigel is a bit of a jumping jesus about the whole thing.
off his chump – crazy
Example: Now Henrietta wants to vote, as well? She’s off her chump.
pad the hoof – walking
Example: Ready to pad the hoof to the magic lantern show? It’s really the best entertainment option at this point in history.
pipe off – lose interest (in a romantic relationship)
Example:
Edwardine: Why did you pipe off Simon?
Thomasine: He spent more time with his hair tonic than I did on my pompadour!
Razzle-dazzle – to go out there, stir up some trouble, and get some ladies!
Example:
Bert: Shall we go razzle-dazzle, Simon?
Simon: I’m actually less interested in razzle-dazzling than you might think.
Teagie – tea gown
Example: You know, calling it a teagie makes it seem like it would be pretty casual, but it takes like three handmaids to change into this thing.
What priced head have you? – How bad’s the hangover?
Example: You really hit the music-hall hard, Basil. What priced head have you?
yeah – yes
Example:
Charles: In 100 years’ time, will old people still get mad when you say “yeah” instead of “yes?”
Well, here it is folks. The very last day of our Best of series. Thanks again for sticking with us on our very first year of blogging! And in the event you forgot about this groundbreaking movie that premiered over the summer, we’re here to bring it back to life. There is going to be a sequel, after all.
We can’t say it enough, but again, thank you for reading, and here’s to a fantastic 2014!
I want to apologize if it looked like I was yelling at you in the title, but I really see no other way to type SHARKNADO other than in all caps.
Alright, you may have heard about this so bad it’s good (or so bad it’s bad) movie that debuted on the SyFy channel last week. Nearly 1.4 million people tuned in to find out what kind of havoc SHARKNADO can possibly create. So many people were talking about it on Twitter (which is why it inspired me to do this very post) that it generated more tweets than that controversial *NO SPOILERS* Red Wedding episode of Game of Thrones a few weeks ago. AND there’s also talk about a sequel. What next, SHARKSUNAMI? I didn’t really know much about the movie before previewing approx 10 minutes of it, but I gathered that by the title alone, (and the poster) it was about a tornado full of sharks. I was right.
Does anyone remember Sharktopus that was on SyFy a few years ago? (Again, it’s exactly what it sounds like) I figured that SHARKNADO was in the same vein, so basically ridiculousness at its finest. Fun fact: the lead character that is not Eric Roberts went to my college and we had a marketing class together. If I had known he was going to be in Sharktopus… I still wouldn’t have talked to him. Alright folks, here we go! And obviously, spoiler alert.
The movie starts off literally with a tornado of sharks over the ocean. like the tagline says, “Enough said.”
Apparently we’re getting a brief preface before the “real” action happens. 20 miles off Mexico in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, there is hardass Captain who has caught a bunch of sharks and cut off their fins. He’s trying to sell them off to an Asian man who is going to use them for shark fin soup. Contrary to the fact that I am Asian, I honestly would never have known that this is a thing that a lot of Chinese restaurants sell. Like they literally cut off the shark fins, let the sharks die, and then stick the fins in some soup. Why do I know this? Because Kyle Chandler was on Ellen talking about how his daughter is on a crusade to stop Chinese restaurants in Texas from selling said soup. Coach is still teaching us life lessons, y’all. But is this supposed to be like a subliminal message telling us shark finning is bad? Is this movie sponsored by Oceana? Because it’s working.
Legitimate question – are there really this many sharks off the coast of Mexico? Why is there a dense population of sharks there? Because if so, remind me to never go there while out on my shark finning scuba diving crusades.
The hardass Captain in the middle of the stormy ocean gets enveloped by the SHARKNADO, then immediately cuts to a sunny shot of the Santa Monica pier and Tara Reid’s name in the credits. THE MOST JARRING SCENE CHANGE EVER.
Also, this takes place in Los Angeles?!? GREAT. Good thing I live far enough away from the water to immediately get attacked by sharks. And Ian Ziering.
Speaking of Ian Ziering, he owns a bar right at the end of the Santa Monica pier called Fin, and the locals are watching the news, where they report that a storm’s a brewin and its name is Hurricane David…. And the guy at the bar who just grabbed the butt of the ‘sexy’ waitress looks oddly familiar. OH IT’S BECAUSE HE’S THE DAD FROM HOME ALONE. And unfortunately, the creepy guy character actually suits him.
Meanwhile, Ian is out surfing when the girl he’s flirting with suddenly gets eaten by a shark. He’s legit yelling, “SHARKS, GET OUT OF THE WATER! SHARKS!” to everyone on the beach yet no one is listening to him. These bitches are being eaten left and right. You really should’ve listened to Steve Sanders when you had the chance.
HOLD UP. IAN ZIERING’S NAME IN THIS MOVIE IS FIN? HAHAHAHAHAHA
The TV reporter says, “Global warming is DEFINITELY the cause of this event.” Again, is there an underlying message here SyFy? They’re all, “Yes, save the sharks but also, remember that global warming is really a thing.” Is Al Gore the secret exec producer on this?
And Tara Reid makes her first appearance. God, I don’t think I’ve seen her in anything since Josie and the Pussycats. Nope, I’ve seen American Reunion. Let’s just say Josie and the Pussycats because what a gem of a movie that is.
A huge wave engulfs the Santa Monica pier and suddenly the ‘sexy’ waitress, whose name is NOVA has a gun. Like one of those big guns that’s bigger than a rifle. I’m not a gun affeciando, so trust on this. But where did she find a gun on the pier?? The only thing you would find washed up on the pier frreal would be caricatures of tourists from Wisconsin and maybe that huge snake that one homeless guy lets people pet for free.
Oh great the ferris wheel detached from the pier and is rolling directly down the road, because if sharks flying through the air weren’t enough, here’s a ton of metal about to land on your person.
Ian/Steve/Fin, along with Grabby Mr. McAllister, Nova, and Fin’s Australian BFF (who was bit by a shark earlier but managed to survive), get in his Jeep wrangler and head for Beverly Hills so Fin can check on his ex-wife and daughter. However it’s now raining and the water falling on this car is so incredibly fake that it looks like they’re going through a $1 car wash.
They decide to take the 405, but there’s traffic. Surprise surprise. It’s even worse when there’s a sea of sharks on the freeway. SHARKMAGEDDON, AMIRITE L.A.??
Grabby McAllister is clearly wasted because he spends his days at Fin’s bar, so when they reach a point on the 405 where they can’t go any farther and can see a wave of sharks is about to come at them, Fin tries to help the stranded drivers run to safety (?). However Grabby McAllister mumbles, “There are sharks out there. You don’t have to go out there. There’s no reason to go out there!” And suddenly he’s the only person that makes sense.
Ok so Nova has a gun, but Grabby McAllister had to bring his beloved stool from the bar and use it as a weapon?? He helps a woman whose dog is trapped in her car (which doesn’t make sense, because why would she lock her dog in the car without taking her keys) by shattering the glass with his bar stool. Woman and her beloved dog make it out, but Grabs McAllister doesn’t have the same luck – a shark comes flying at him and another one bites the dust.
Another question – Fin and the gang see a huge wave come over the freeway, but somehow, the water isn’t going down the ramp they’re on. This doesn’t make sense. I know I’m trying to find logic in a movie called SHARKNADO, but still!
They finally make it to Tara Reid’s house in BH, but she won’t let them in because she doesn’t believe that sharks are taking over the city. All of a sudden, a shark shoots up through a sewer and Nova just shoots it like a clay pigeon. Tara Reid finally believes their warning.
Good lord the acting on this… is … incomparable. The only thing worse is the writing. And the CGI. And Tara Reid’s face.
this is my ‘concerned for our lives bc sharks are flying from the sky’ face
Water floods into Tara Reid’s house and into the foyer, leaving the gang plus Tara and Fin’s daughter stuck on the stairs. Oh, Tara had an asshole boyfriend who Fin tried to help but got eaten by a shark circling the foyer waters.
They decide they need to go get their son, Matt, who is in flight school in Van Nuys, which is in the valley near me, where obviously the sharks can’t reach us. And is there really a flight school in Van Nuys?
Explain to me how their entire foyer became a pool of bloody water but they all escaped without letting any water out or being covered in bloody water. And also explain how their entire home just fell to bits, but the house next to it looks fine.
Just remembered that Nova has a scar on her upper leg, which makes me think she’s been in a similar shark situation before, and will probably come up later in the movie in some fascinating revelation.
Tara Reid just picked up her purse and told Siri to call Matt. HOW DO YOU HAVE YOUR PURSE ON YOUR PERSON RIGHT NOW.
On their way to Van Nuys, they see a school bus, and Fin wants to stop and see if they need help. But Tara exclaims, “You care more about other people than you do your family!” AH HA! A protagonist flaw that will most likely be resolved by the end of the movie!
“The water’s rising, I’m gonna go up to the bridge and repel down.” – Fin. Again, How do you have these random tools handy?? Fin’s response: “Semper Paratus” which means “Always Prepared” in Latin. Uh okay. But luckily he manages to save a bus full of 20 kids by repelling each of them up by a pulley system, including the bus driver who is clearly over this shit because he tells Fin he moved to L.A. to become an actor, and he did not see this the way his life would end.
The wind from the hurricane has caused the Hollywood sign letters to fly off the mountain and are heading directly towards them. Yeah, the bus driver/actor is def going to die by these letters. “My mom always told me Hollywood would kill me.” – Bus driver’s last words before a huge chunk of metal, presumably an O, pretty much slices him in half. Again, sharks aren’t the only thing that can kill you during a SHARKNADO.
A overhead shot flies over downtown Los Angeles, and you can randomly see sharks flipping about on helicopter pads on roofs. Foreshadowing?
Annndd their car blew up from all the flooding, or maybe it was the shark that literally blew through the roof of their car (see, foreshadowing!) but Nova killed it off with her gun.
They finally reach Van Nuys where Matt’s flight school is, and also conveniently located next to a movie prop warehouse specializing in cars. Naturally, they steal a Hummer. A Hummer with a “Nitrous” button. Is that even a real thing?
The gang finds Matt who looks extremely familiar yet again. And I realize that I recognize him as jock Van Dyke on the short-lived Jonas show on the Disney Channel. I would be embarassed by this but I have no shame. Incidentally, he was also in the new version of 90210 as well as American Reunion.
Jonas wasn’t a period piece.
The SHARKNADO comes to Van Nuys (!) and they hide in a mini bunker, but there’s no real door so Fin has to hold a scrap piece of metal to protect them… I find it hard to believe they would survive high winds like that, when Matt’s flight school teacher legit just got sucked up through the ceiling of the hanger and into the SHARKNADO.
They find a helicopter outside that was definitely not there before, and there are too many people for them to all get out of the city via chopper, not to mention the fact that it’s probably not ideal to fly during tornado/hurricane conditions. So Fin says, “We’re gonna stand and fight!”
Van Nuys just happens to have everything they need, because they find a surplus store with chainsaws and tools to make bombs…With chainsaws and bombs apparently.
The surplus store is where everyone’s feelings and emotions come out, because Fin and his daughter have a forced touching moment between each other that makes me yearn for the corny Danny Tanner talks with his girls.
Nova is finally revealing the story behind the mysterious scar to Matt. Like expected, she tells some sob story about how when she was a kid, she went out in the water with her grandfather when she was attacked on the leg, but her grandfather and the five other people on the boat died because of the sharks. “I really hate sharks.”
Let me get this straight these people are going to single handedly equalize the tornado by throwing bombs into it and also kill the sharks? I don’t know whether this is based on science or another made up thing by the SyFy channel.
Fin is literally just shooting at the sharks with a shotgun. Straight up pointing it up in the air to the flying sharks coming out of the SHARKNADO and killing them with a shotgun.
So that bomb thing worked. Is this something we should train or military to do in the future in the event something like this actually happens?
Fin just sliced an incoming shark with a saw. He held up the saw like Rafiki in The Lion King and the shark split in half.
Next to the flight school is a retirement home, and the old folks are outside in the pool. Do they not see what kind of shit is going down next door?
Ugh just realized how big of a cleanup this will be for the city of Los Angeles. Then realized this is a movie, not real life. Yet.
Matt’s flight school friend has his arm bit off by a shark, and if that isn’t bad enough, when he falls over and dies, another shark falls from the sky and lands on top of him. I cannot help but laugh at this.
Meanwhile, Matt and Nova are still up in the helicopter hovering near the SHARKNADO gearing up to throw the homemade bombs into the cyclone. On her last bomb, Nova gets caught by a shark, she falls out of the helicopter, and it eventually eats her. RIP. Matt’s obviously in shock, so he has some struggs landing the chopper, much to Fin’s distress.
Fin decides to take matters into his own hands to kill the last SHARKNADO. He takes out the Hummer that Aussie BFF (who also got attacked by a flying shark and died) loaded with bombs, and drives it up to the hills (For the record, the geography of this movie isn’t making sense, because there are no hills in Van Nuys and it’s bothering me). Fin has perfect timing as he drives to the top of the windy hill, as the SHARKNADO hovers right next to it. He lights the bombs in the car, presses the NITROUS BUTTON, jumps out, and the Hummer flies into the SHARKNADO, making the last one dissipate. Except for the fact that hundreds of dead sharks are now falling from the sky and into the LA streets.
OH MY GOD I LITERALLY HAVEN’T TYPED FOR LIKE THE LAST 10 MINUTES OF THE MOVIE BECAUSE IT WAS ACTUALLY SUSPENSEFUL AND WTF HAHAHAHA
Ok, I’ve regained consciousness. Here’s what just happened: THE SHARK EATS HIM WHILE HE’S HOLDING THE CHAINSAW, BUT HE CUTS HIS WAY OUT USING SAID CHAINSAW IN THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE (I IMAGINE CHILDBIRTH TO LOOK LIKE THIS). BUT THEN: FIN PULLS NOVA OUT OF THE SHARK’S STOMACH BECAUSE OF COURSE OUT OF ALL THE SHARKS THIS IS THE SAME ONE THAT ATE HER.
Matt tries to give Nova CPR, and it works. Her first words are “I really hate sharks,” as she flashes her perfect fake eyelashes.
Tara Reid literally wipes the blood off Fin’s mouth kisses him. If you didn’t feel like vomiting before… you will now.
This is how they end the entire movie: TOUCHE, SHARKNADO FILM MAKERS. TOUCHE.
Favorite quotes:
“Don’t you ever make fun of my stool again.” Grabby McAllister
“What the hell, there are sharks in the street!” Nova, the sharpest tool in the shed
“That’s a tiger shark.” Nova “How do you know that?” Fin “Shark week?” Nova, educated broad
“It’s just a little wahtah (water), typical California is afraid of the rain?!” guy on the 405 who may be from Boston but it’s hard to tell with his horrible accent.
“Looks like it’s that time of the month.” – Aussie BFF after Tara Reid’s BF is killed in the bloody waters in her house’s foyer
“Take the 10 to the 405 and you’re in Beverly Hills” – Grabby McAllister doing his best Californians impression
You know that moment when you realize that you have to turn to Urban Dictionary to find out what “the youths” are talking about? That happened to us this year with “ratchet.” We worked through the definition, and in the process determined what Hogwarts house ratchets belong in and who is behind those ridiculous Yahoo Answers queries. The whole ratchet thing was so bizarre to us that we couldn’t leave it off of our Best Of list.
Sometime in the past year, I realized just how old I am. A term showed up describing a subculture, and I had no clue what it meant. Yes, ratchet. Urban Dictionary has a few definitions, but frankly I’d avoid that unless you’re cool with 13 pages of white boys using the words “slutty” and “ghetto.” Google images helped a little more, but it still didn’t completely clear things up. I believe it was Helen Keller who said that ratchet “cannot be seen or heard, but must be felt with the heart.”
Here’s my take on it: a “ratchet” person is an outspoken and possibly brash young woman who favors ostentatious or eye-catching “urban” fashion and other facets of hip-hop culture. She displays marks of conspicuous consumption, but is associated (correctly or incorrectly) with urban areas of lower socioeconomic status.
However, that definition is kind of boring. In case you’re trying to work through whether you, yourself, are ratchet, please consult this handy guide instead:
(1) Did you learn the definition of ratchet from Urban Dictionary?
The ONLY ratchet definition from Urban Dictionary that was fit to print on our website.
You’re probably not ratchet.
(2) Okay, did you learn the definition of ratchet during a conversation about a Miley Cyrus video?
You’re probably not ratchet.
(3) In the past year, have you had a conversation about a fact you learned from the John Tesh radio show?
You’re probably not ratchet, and may be my mother. Hi, mom.
(4) Did you learn how to twerk by watching a YouTube tutorial?
You’re probably not ratchet.
Or, you are ratchet, and are just really tenacious about developing your skills, like a ratchet Hermione Granger. I get you.
* In my mind’s eye, Ratchet Hermione Granger has bucktoothed grills and wears a Gryffindor-colored bustier under her dress robes — but also, “ratchet” seems more Slytherin.
(5) Do you care at-freaking-ALL about whether or not I think you’re ratchet?
You’re probably not ratchet.
(6) Within recent memory, have you lamented the decline of panty hose in women’s fashions?
You’re probably not ratchet.
Or, you are ratchet, but have to wear professional attire for work and always feel a little less-than-polished every time you wear a skirt without hose.
(7) Was Sean Combs still going by Puff Daddy the last time you were at the club?
You’re probably not ratchet.
Or, you are ratchet, but are really more of an introvert, which is fine.
(8) Did you learn the definition of “ratchet” by writing a question in to Yahoo Answers?
Trick question. You’re not ratchet, but that’s only because every Yahoo Answers question is written by the same confused but well-intentioned 14-year-old girl who doesn’t quite know how to use Google.
(9) (a) If someone referred to you as “nasty,” would you be offended?
You’re not ratchet.
(b) Is the reason you’re offended because you’re assuming they mean “nasty” in terms of being unkind, rude, and unpleasant?
You’re not ratchet, and seem like an old lady.
(10) (a) Do you own hoop earrings with your name written across the middle?
That doesn’t mean you’re ratchet.
(b) Do you own earrings with “Ratchet” written across the middle?
Now you’re ratchet. Unless that’s your name.
(10) Last one: are you Miley Cyrus?
Oh, honey. You’re not ratchet. Your dad wrote Achy Breaky Heart. (note: Noah Cyrus… Maybe)
Happy New Year! We hope that 2013 was a wonderful year for you, and even if it wasn’t, we hope you’re excited for a fresh new year ahead. Maybe you’ve even made a New Year’s Resolution or two. If one of yours is to finally begin writing that book, we understand. Last year Traci got as far as drafting some working chapter titles for her memoirs. We think you’ll relate to them.
Like any normal 27-year-old girl who can’t seem to call herself a ‘woman’ quite yet, I’ve come to reflect a lot about my life up to now, and how my peers are living theirs in comparison. If I were ever to write a memoir, these are some working chapter titles which highlight key moments in my life, thoughts that plague my head from day to day, and other random things that are completely unrelated.
•How to tell someone their baby isn’t cute
•Valentine’s Day engagements are tacky, not romantic
•How cookie butter changed my life
•YouTube fan videos: underrated pieces of art or just plain creepy?
•Extreme couponing
•Unfriending hurts more than you know
•Why hasn’t anyone carded me in two months?
•Alcohol is expensive
•I wish WebMD counted as going to the doctor
•An ode to GIFs (ebook version only)
•X Pro II vs. Lo-Fi: The stress of picking the perfect filter
•Just Dance : Not just for kids
•My quest to being internet famous
•Traci’s guide to keeping cool after recognizing a celeb
•Kate and Leo, Zanessa, and other couples that could have been
•Dear Mark Zuckerberg
•What ever happened to Lou Bega?
•I’m calling it a night
•PPOs, HMOs, and LOLs
•I’m not coming to your wedding if there’s no open bar
•Wedding photo stalking 101
•Amy Poehler
Cookies + Sangria 