Katy Perry’s Halftime Show: Best And Worst Dressed

What did YOU wear for the Superbowl? Me, I wore the heavy cloak of disappointment. Disappointment in the game itself, one of those ones where I was just rooting against the team that I wanted to lose most. Disappointment in that one Nationwide commercial, which only came in second on my list of Most Depressing Superbowl Moments because one year my grandfather died during the game.  Disappointment in social media, where I assume the #LikeABoy hashtag was started by the same bros who thought up #ALLlivesMatter. But you know what? Not disappointment in the halftime show, really. It was good. Like any proper Katy Perry spectacle, the performance was full of over-the-top, fun costumes. Here are the best and worst.

Best Dressed

Katy Perry in the The More You Know symbol

Remember when you’d hear that “bing biiing bing BIIING” chime at the end of one of those PSAs when you were younger, and realize that that your favorite NBC stars had tricked you into learning something? Well, you probably had the same feeling seeing this symbol. Oh, shoot, there was a lesson in all of this?

A Human in This Cranky Ball Costume

“Hi Nana, it’s Stephanie! I got the job! I’m dancing with Katy Perry at the Superbowl!”

“The bucktoothed, downtrodden beach ball with the blue tights.”

“Nana? NANA?”

[These maybe should be on the “worst” list, but I’m just so happy that this was on my TV last night and my internet this morning.]

The Athenians, Probably in This Trojan Lion

While watching this entrance, I imagined that at some point the lion would open up and members of my favorite NFL team would spill out, taking over the game so that I could watch players I actually liked.

Missy Elliott in One Of Those Outfits She Wears

When Missy appeared on stage, even though the show was going well already, it felt like she … well … put her thing down, flipped it, and reversed it. The show was ON. And I’m so glad that she wore one of her classic Missy Elliott jumpsuits, along with a ball cap and hoop earrings. If I tried to wear her outfit, I’d look like I was in my jammies. But Missy looked like the rapper we all know, love, and really, really missed. How good does she look?!

By the way, I’m choosing to believe that one of her dancers was that girl from the Miss Elliott videos of the mid-2000s.

Lenny Kravitz in His Face And Body

This outfit also felt like a time-warp to 2004, but in  a less positive way. But I do not care, because Lenny Kravitz was also sporting his face and body, which are both very nice.

Katy Perry in A Bathing Suit That Looks Like A Beach Ball From A Little Golden Book

Runner-up: The dancers in shark suits, because I had to wear a giant plush costume for work one summer and I appreciate their obvious discomfort for the sake of entertainment.

Katy Perry’s Microphone in A Wii Safety Strap

So she didn’t get too worked up and throw her microphone through the new TV.

Worst Dressed

A Dancer’s Hopes And Dreams in These Tree Costumes

There’s a certain silly joy in playing a dancing beach ball or a clapping shark, but playing a tree is just not a career highlight. The surfboarts were pretty bad too.

Katy Perry In Yule Log Screencaps

You have a Hunger Games budget, your flame dress shouldn’t look like a child’s drawing or a cheap fake fire place.

Those human chess pieces in my nightmares.

I can’t even parse out why, but the moment I saw these costumes my reaction was “I hate this.” It just seemed creepy. They also remind me of really sharp lego that you would step on when it’s dark. I don’t know. Just not a fan. Maybe it’s the pointy shoes?

Things I’m Willing To Believe About Tom Brady

If you’ve come here looking for actual facts about Tom Brady, keep looking. I have to make up Tom Brady in my mind, based on the 2 or 3 actual things I know about him and the way his face is. I have to do this because I’m not a huge fan of football in general (Dillon Panthers/Lions aside), and the Patriots in particular. Still, as Brady prepares for his sixth Super Bowl appearance on Sunday, it’s time to talk Tom Brady.

As you know, I have baseless concepts of certain celebrities. I am willing to believe that Ben Affleck is a Boston bro-mensch, and I am willing to believe that Leonardo DiCaprio is a totally rad 90s teen armed with a Nerf Super-Soaker and a bottle of Sunny D. As for Tom Brady? I am willing to believe that he’s apple-cheeked and squeaky clean, even though I realize that most professional athletes aren’t that way. Basically, I picture the 2015, adult man version of an impish little boy from the 1950s. Which means I’m willing to believe the following:

  • Tom Brady’s childhood photos are being used as the mold for the first male American Girl doll.
  • His face is also the inspiration for the little boy on a can of organic oatmeal sold somewhere clean and wholesome. Like Finland.

    I mean I think this is a WPA ad but you get the gist.

  • When you ask Tom Brady how he takes his coffee, he answers “oh, just some raw sugar and milk that comes in a glass bottle. That I get delivered. From a farm.”

 

  • Just kidding he doesn’t consume “hard drinks.”

 

  • While we’re on morning foods, whenever Tom Brady eats cereal he plates it like one of those “well-balanced breakfast”s of 90s TV ads, complete with fruit, orange juice, eggs and toast.
  • Tom Brady does puzzles for fun.

 

  • And play dominoes.

 

  • Tom Brady literally laughs out loud at Peanuts comics

    This part breaks his heart every time.

  • In the corner of Brady’s bedroom, there’s a basket of socks. They’re waiting to go back to his mother to darn.

 

  • On the whole, he really stores a LOT of his stuff in baskets.

    Like puppies.

 

  • Speaking of which, sometimes he bikes to the grocery store and returns with a baguette and a bouquet of flowers in his bicycle basket, like somebody buying groceries in the “after” segment of a Cymbalta commercial.

 

  • How does Tom Brady warm up his throwing arm? Why, playing fetch with shelter dogs, of course.  And they’re all somehow, like, beagles and golden retrievers.

    He didn’t even KNOW this dog. It just gravitated toward him.

  • When he tries to go to bed early before a big game, sometimes his wife catches him reading chapter books under the covers with a flashlight.

 

  • If you’re a lady walking somewhere with Tom Brady, he WILL walk on the curb side.

 

  • Tom loves meeting up with really old guys, like super old, and just talking about their lives.

 

  • You might have thought it was unusual – though not necessarily bad – that Tom Brady’s daughter is named Vivian Lake. But it’s because, in Tom’s words, “I named the most beautiful girl in the world after the most beautiful place in the world.” Lake Vivian was the pond at Brady’s beloved summer camp.

 

  • That was after he was shot down for wanting to “name the most beautiful girl in the world after the most beautiful girl in the world” – not his wife Giselle Bundchen, but his sixth-grade crush, Stacey Marie.

 

  • Tom Brady rides children’s scooters while wearing a newsboy cap.

 

  •  I’m willing to believe that because it’s true:
  •  On the off season, Brady likes to have a “Sunday evening wind-down.” Which involves brownie sundaes and reruns of Little House on the Hallmark Channel.

 

  • And the only time – the ONLY time – that he has used the word “bitch” was in reference to Nellie Olsen.

 

  • The only Rated R movies Tom Brady is interested in are Westerns.

 

  • You know how nobody throws pizza parties any more? Well, Tom Brady throws Pizza Parties. And the two-liters are always ice cold.

    BELIEVE IT.

  • Remember how once in a great, great while your elementary school would have a “surprise pizza party?” Every couple weeks Brady funds one of those (anonymously, of course).

 

The Buffalo Weather vs. The Washington Megans: NFL Teams, Renamed

By 2017, the Washington Redskins had exhausted all excuses for their team name. “It’s not about PEOPLE, it’s about SKINS.” “Some potatoes have red skin and they’re not offended.” “When you think about it, it’s just a color plus a body part. If we were called the Purple Hairs or the Grey Jowls, we wouldn’t even be having this discussion.”

But they were having that discussion, and everyone was sick of it. The Redskins threw a Hail Mary pass – not on the field, they are not good in 2017 – but in the court… of public discourse. “We’ll change our name if everybody changes their names.”

To their surprise, the rest of the NFL was on board. It was a chance to sell merch, and some of the other teams realized that even if their names weren’t offensive yet, they would be sooner or later. On the first Sunday of the regular season, 2018, the Washington Megans squared off against the Buffalo Weather. And the Cleveland Oranges against the Kansas City Chefs.

Here’s how some of those new names came to be:

The Baltimore Ravens are now The Baltimore Hop-Frogs

The fact that the original team name was a literary reference – To Edgar Allen Poe’s The Raven, of course –  was so badass that the Ravens organization was loathe to change it. But why not look further into the Poe canon and find a work that’s even spookier than The Raven? Enter The Hop-Frog, a short story about a court jester who convinces a group of royals to dress as monkeys then sets them alight, burning them to death.

The Raven, in contrast, was just a bird talking some shit.

The Buffalo Bills are now The Buffalo Weather

The same question plagued the Bills organization for years. What even is a BILL? When a quick survey of the naming committee revealed that nobody – not one person – had met a menacing Bill, they knew they had to come up with something that would strike fear in their opponents.

Then they hit on it. What could be more terrifying, more dangerous, more unpredictable than the Buffalo Weather?

The Cincinnati Bengals are now The Cincinnati Parisiens

Did you know that in the 1800s they used to call Cincinnati “The Paris Of America?” Think about it for a sec. Calling anything the something of somewhere always sounds like it’s either almost an insult or almost a compliment. But Cincinnati – sick of being considered basically the city version of a mom haircut – decided to aim high. With their new team name, Cinci reclaimed its connection to the proud – some would say TOO proud, snooty even – city of Paris.

The Cleveland Browns are now The Cleveland Oranges

Nobody in the Browns organization knew why a team choosing to name itself after a color – already an iffy concept – would also chose to name itself after the WORST color: brown, the color of poop and dirt. However, they were unwilling to repaint the entire stadium and redesign all of their merchandise. So Cleveland chose to keep the same team colors – orange and brown – but named itself after the one that isn’t the disappointment of the color wheel.

The Dallas Cowboys are now The Dallas East Dillon Lions

Dallas put its team name to popular vote, and the people got what they wanted: a team named after the greatest football players in Texas history. The Dallas Tami Taylors lost by a close margin, because Tami Taylor is the truest embodiment of the phrase “don’t mess with Texas.”

The Houston Texans are now The Houston Austins

Look. Texas knows that outsiders’ favorite part of Texas is Austin. It’s not stupid. It also knows that Austin is never going to get its act together to organize a football team. Lord knows it tried. They had meetings and practices and everything, and the result was a mural, a community garden, and a podcast. So, the Texans organization went for the next-best thing, and named the Houston team after the team all of the non-Texans wish existed.

The Indianapolis Colts are now The Indianapolis Adult Horses

Have you ever seen a colt? Cute as hell, but all wobbly on its spindly little legs. Not exactly the name for a football powerhouse. The Colts naming committee wanted to convey an animal with a little bit more power, strength, and maturity. Bam. The Indianapolis Adult Horses.

The Minnesota Vikings are now The Minnesota Ikeas

The Vikings team name was a tribute to Minnesota’s proud Scandinavian heritage. Even more than the Vikings, which Nordic export can confound a grown man into a blubbering mess of tears? IKEA FURNITURE. The new mascot is a confusing diagram on legs –  picture the Bill from Schoolhouse Rock – named the Ikea Directions.

The Kansas City Chiefs are now The Kansas City Chefs

The new Chiefs owner, who is not good at spelling, in fact terrible at spelling, hated dealing with the “i before e” thing in Chiefs. Behind his back, his staff had taken to calling the team the Kansas City Chefs after his most frequent misspelling. As a joke, they all voted for this as the new name… and it won.

Unfortunately, the owner tends to spell it “shefs” now.

The New York Giants are now The New York New Jerseys

The team plays in New Jersey. Everyone knows that this is weird. The organization is just acknowledging it.

The New England Patriots are now The Boston Safety Schools

It seemed awfully ridiculous that most other teams belong to a single city – hell, New York has TWO – yet the Patriots are supposed to represent an entire region. The committee did away with that and just named them for the nearest major metro area. Then, okay, what’s to love about Boston? A lot! Some of the best colleges in the country are in Boston, and so are some of the very good colleges everyone applies to in case they don’t get into those.  Boston may be home to more beloved safety schools than any other city in the country, and it should be proud.

Besides, knocking Harvard down a peg seemed like a pretty Boston thing to do.

The Philadelphia Eagles are now The Philadelphia Iggles

The Eagles organization looked to other Philadelphia teams for inspiration, but got sidetracked discussing the Phillies mascot, the Philly Phanatic. “What’s with this thing where the Phillies have to spell EVERYTHING with a ‘PH?’ It’s annoying. Just spell it like you say it!,” Todd said. It’s not important who Todd is, but this guy is always named Todd.

“Spell it like you say it…” Keith repeated. Freaking Keith.

“Spell it like you say it…” said Don. I’m pretty sure there would be a Don.

And the Philadelphia Iggles were born.

The New York Jets are now The New York Giants

With the Giants renamed to reflect the fact that these guys for real play in New Jersey, the Giants’ name was up for grabs. The Jets knew that a Giant is actually pretty cool, with potential for an awesome mascot and logo that the original Giants never really took advantage of. So they snatched up that name and became the New York Giants.

It’s very confusing and everybody hates it.

The Oakland Raiders are now The Oakland Haircuts

Sometimes, a team knows that it is in the most shining moment in its history. The Chicago Bulls knew it when Jordan was playing, and the Yankees knew it with Babe Ruth. The hybrid bowl cut-mullet sported by Raiders owner Mark Davis? Yeah, the organization’s never going to see another one like that:So, the Oakland Haircuts it is.

The Pittsburgh Steelers are now The Pittsburgh Best Buy Reebok Dairy Queens

They got sort of carried away with the corporate sponsors.

The Seattle Seahawks are now The Seattle Fleece

What’s a Seattle stalwart that forges through bitter winds, driving rain and winter chill? Like, I GUESS their football team, but mostly zip-up fleeces. Guaranteed, if you walk through the streets of Seattle you will see 1000 North Face zip-ups for every one seahawk. And that’s a conservative estimate.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are now The Tampa Bay Nanas

The Buccaneers had spreadsheets and whiteboards all blank and ready. The committee met to discuss what everyone’s favorite things about Tampa were. But really, all anyone likes about Tampa is their Nana who lives there in the winter.

The Washington Redskins are now The Washington Megans

The Redskins had the most at stake in the Great NFL Name Change. All eyes were on them to choose a name that was, at the very least, not racist. After hours of debate, a quiet and exceptionally average-looking committee member spoke up. Like, almost aggressively average, if that makes sense.

“Before I was born, my parents had a lot of trouble coming up with a name. They, too, were afraid of offending someone. See, they couldn’t pick a name from either side of the family, because the other side would get hurt feelings. They couldn’t use a name any of their friends had used on their kids, because that would be stealing. My dad didn’t want anything too fancy, but my mom didn’t want anything too cutesy. By the time they went to the hospital, they still didn’t have a name. But once I was born, my father took one look at my little face, eyes opening to the world for the first time, and said ‘I don’t know. Fucking… Megan?’ The point is, sometimes you just have to pick something.”

But the rest of the committee had already stopped listening to her by the end, and they sort of missed the point. “Fucking… Megan? Eh, good enough.”

And that’s how the Washington Megans got their name.