Author Archives: Traci

McCharacters: An Afternoon in McDonald’s

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Miscellany by

A couple of weeks ago, I had to get an oil change for my car. The mechanic I went to was not in my neighborhood and also did not have a waiting area. In addition, I went on a Friday (which is one of my days off), so I couldn’t have a friend to the drop off/pick up situation since apparently everyone has ‘jobs’ these days.

The closest place that seemed non-sketchy and a place that wouldn’t care if I was there for at least an hour was McDonald’s. Now I don’t go to McDonald’s on the reg, and I imagine a lot of you don’t either. Unless you’re in an airport or rest stop on the road and you need to get a quick bite to eat and don’t care that you’ll feel disgusting afterwards, you don’t go to McD’s for fun.

I’m assuming this to be true seeing as how 97.5% of all the people I watched come in and out the doors of McD’s were absolute characters. Like, for all I know, I stumbled upon a sitcom set and all these people were hired actors. Here’s just a sampling of the people I encountered on that fateful day – and I hope you never have to find out the realness of this for yourself.

Online Poker Guy

When I sat down with my iced coffee (because let’s be real, it was the only thing I trusted there), I faced the door so I could make a quick exit if I could tell a psychopath was coming in and I needed to bolt outta there. Directly in front of me was a guy sitting by himself, with a rolling suitcase next to him and a laptop on the table, and its cord plugged into the wall. And by plugged into the wall I mean the closest outlet was near the ceiling and the cord was going up.

Photo Aug 30, 11 07 57 AM

yes, this is my screenshot from snapchat. whatevs.

He sipped on a McD’s bev, with the only food being that of indiscernable candy that looked like Air Heads but had a yellow wrapper. He went out for a smoke approx every 30 minutes, and when he left I could see he was playing online poker. This dude was playing online poker in a McDonald’s. I know there are people who can make a living off online poker, but really, if that’s all you do with your life (and it clearly looked like he did), why don’t you just spring for some Wi-Fi in your own house? Also, do people actually go to McDonald’s specifically for free Wi-Fi? America.

Families in Play Place

I suppose one thing that hasn’t changed about McDonald’s over the years is the fact that people like to take their kids for a fun afternoon at Mickey D’s. Grab a Happy Meal, get your free toy, then spend hours in the Play Place. While I’m guessing the whole healthy food question has barred a lot of people going to McD’s for fun over the past few years, the fact is that parents still take their kids to McDonald’s. And the kids are still exciting about going there. I legit heard a couple of tots singing a fake ‘chicken nuggets’ song, exclaiming their excitement over their future of nug eating. Anyways, nothing snarky here, it’s just nice to know that some traditions never change. Also, I probably have a lot of Happy Meal vintage toys somewhere… do those things cost money now, or have they gone the Beanie Babies route?

Guy Who’s Being Too Loud

Is this Dwayne from Full House??

We’ve all been there. You’re in a space that doesn’t necessarily need to keep library type volume levels, but also shouldn’t be a rave – and all of a sudden that one person decided to do something realllly loud that you can’t focus on anything else. This guy in McD’s decided 10:30 in the morning was a good time for him to bust out his iPhone and play some guy of racing game… at max vol. First of all, put some headphones in if you want to play with sound. Second of all, why are you even playing with sound at all? Third of all, forget what I said in parts one and two and just shut it all down. Shut. It. Down.

Woman Who’s Speaking Too Loud in Another Language

Pretty much everything I said about the guy, except replace game with phone conversation that last for the entirety of their meal. And make it en Espanol. The good news is that I think I picked up a few recipe tips on tostadas … or I’ve made a horrible mistake and wrote down the recipe for how to make meth instead…

Relationship Advice Seeker

After the Spanish speaking woman finished her meal and left, all whilst talking on her phone, a couple of guys took their seats behind me. At one point, I heard one guy say that he doesn’t put dishes in the dishwasher and his wife gets really upset about it. And then it turned serious, and he started to seriously seek advice about his marriage. I could be wrong, but the vibe I was getting was a total Sponsor/Addict relationship. Do these people go to McDonald’s to talk about their problems? I’m all for getting help, but you really couldn’t pick a better place?

 

Almost Homeless People

There were at least five men, probs all in their 40s, and they all looked the same. As in slightly too overtan white guys who were clearly brought up in California. Their clothes were baggy, one even wore pajama pants, and they were slightly dirty. It’s kinda like when you see a legit hipster and you’re not entirely sure if they’re a college graduate trying to figure out their place in the world or if it’s a homeless person. The fact that they all had bikes didn’t help the situation. Maybe I saw a rare hipster bike gang of men in their older age. Great. Checking it off the bucket list.

Actual Homeless People

Not actually a homeless person, this is John Galiano, dressed ridiculously for both a fashion designer and a regular human being.

And then there were a couple of actual homeless people, who brought in their trash bags of items. One was wearing camouflage pants, those Adidas sandals you see swimmers wearing to the pool and latex gloves. LATEX GLOVES. DEXTER, IS THAT YOU???

Battle of the Boy Bands: 90s vs. Now

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by

I’d like to consider myself a connoisseur of boy bands. While the height of my knowledge was reached somewhere between the years of 1998-2004, I’ve tried to keep abreast of the young artists these days and their teenybopper fans.

As a self-professed Backstreet Boys fan, I know what it’s like first hand to be in the ‘fandom’, and in just 10 years, the way boy bands and fans themselves has changed drastically. While at their core, boy bands in 2013 still aim to titilate tweens the same way they did in 2003, here are some main differences between the fans of today and the fans of yore. Also, it’s a handy guide to feel old/in the know when you talk to someone under the age of 18.

Fashion

One thing that has stayed the same throughout the years is a group’s stylist’s need to coordinate every member’s outfit with the others. For some reason, in the 90s, this meant getting the absolute most ridiculous clothes and fabrics and forcing the guys to wear them in photo shoots. Bless.

Then

You know what’s tearin’ up my heart? The fact that *Nsync is wear short sleeved lycra shirts and no one questioned Lance Bass’ sexuality from this picture alone.

“Hey girl. We know the way to your heart. Hockey. And just to cover our bases, we’re reppin five different teams. Quack Quack, baby.”

The only thing that could make this more 90s is if 98 Degrees was covered in slime. Matching red jumpsuits, sitting on a big orange couch at Nickelodeon’s The Big Help? I can smell the gak now…

Now

These days, boy bands stray away from the themed photo shoots, and go for more of a coordinated look, like One Direction.

The Wanted’s jacket, jeans, sneaks look is so much better than the lycra shirts.

By boy band rules, the Jonas Brothers are technically just a band of boys, but they’ll suffice for this post.

Girlfriends/Love Lives

Then

With the exception of this epic couple, boy band members in the 90s had to hide their relationships. Britney + Justin were the exception because they were perfect and then B had to go and ruin it with her cheating. Oh what could have been. ~*NVR 4GET*~

“When they first started out, “Managers were like, ‘Everybody’s single,'” recalls Brian Littrell. Adds Richardson’s wife Kristin: “I had to say I was his sister!” – People Magazine Interview September 2013 (Please note the source of this picture – the Angelfire page is STILL UP.)

Now

While there are still jealous girls out there screaming ‘OMFG ZAYN AND PERRIE ARE ENGAGED MY LIFE IS OFFICIALLY OVER’, I feel like there is a large majority that are “Zerrie shippers” and appreciate the 1D and Little Mix members’ love like we did with Britney and Justin.

IDK if it’s because Kevin is the least adored Jo Bro, but it seems like every fan was on board with his relationship with Danielle since it started. The two even have their own reality TV show, for goodness sake.

Dedication

Then

At the height of the 90s boy band days, the internet was a fairly new thing. Everyone’s e-mail was @AOL.com, AIM was for stalking your crush and talking to SmarterChild, and Geocities and Angelfire were web hosting sites for your favorite bands. The fact that we could even get pictures and talk to fellow fans seemed incredible, and it was our way of showing our dedication to the world.

I used to live by this site, since they updated it so frequently (like twice a day), and it legit has looked the same ever since 1998.

Now

  • Tumblr Directioners: Holy shit, a Larry Stylinson sex tape better leak soon or I will light myself on fucking fire
  • Twitter Directioners: Omg, Follow me xx I love you so much
  • Youtube Directioners: This is like the best song ever, partyin harrdd
  • Facebook Directioners: Haha oh my goodness look at this, you are like my like bff for eva Harry. Omgomg I love you sooooooooooooo muchhh :))))) lololol rofl

Today’s kids turn to all forms of social media, and I feel like it’s reached a whole new level of obsession. Because you can now reach out to your idol – and even possibly get a reply – fans think they form this bond with the celebrities, which ultimately makes them even more devoted and obsessed. I was going to find examples on Twitter and Tumblr, but honestly, it’s a scary, scary place, and I want no part of that.

Rivalries

Pop Quiz:

BSB : *NSync :: One Direction : ???

Then

I admit, I was totally a *Nsync hater – or as I used to call them, *NSTINK. My “hatred” for them ran deep. So much so that I refused to listen to their songs (save for like maybe 5 of their hits). I’ve probably only heard Bye Bye Bye all the way through less than 10 times in my life. One time in dance class, my teacher put on the new *Nsync cd during warmup and I was SO pissed. Like so mad that my teacher could tell that I wasn’t happy about it, and continued to remind me of it until the day I graduated high school. Get a grip.

But the more I think about it, it was never because I hated the group itself. In fact I agree that they were good singers, were probably the better dancers of the two groups, and of course, like any grown ass woman, my love runs deep for Justin Timberlake. My hatred for ‘*NSTINK’ was for their fans. I loathed the annoying way that they always thought BSB sucked and *Nsync was better – and they wanted to prove it. Constantly. I’m sure you can say the same for BSB fans, but obviously I’m picking sides here. And as an adult, I think we can all recognize that it was totally spurred on by the media. If that one journalist didn’t pit the two bands together, there probably wouldn’t be an entire generation of girls who judge each other in their 20s by which boy band they liked better.

The best example of the fan rivalry is in the video clip from TRL below. I remember watching this live, and being so pissed off at the *Nsync team that I was almost as mad as Tiffany. Creeper alert: I somehow got a hold of Tiffany’s AOL SN and stalked her on AIM, in awe of her BSB dedication.


Now

I suppose the correct answer to the analogy above is Justin Bieber. Which might not make complete sense, since he’s not a boy band. Today’s kids are more fandom vs. fandom, rather boy band vs. boy band (or artist in this case). And since kids don’t have the luxury of having TRL, they take to social media yet again, specifically on Twitter. Case in point:

The second thing you need to know is that Directioners don’t like Beliebers. The conflict began (where else?) on Twitter. “The Beliebers trended #HitDirectionersWithAShovelDay” for no reason explains Holly, a 16-year-old 1D fan from Chicago. She says the war has raged on ever since. “When they won at the TCAs instead of Justin Beiber, they started making fun of Harry’s acne. They’re just trying to make us angry.” {x}

Of course Biebs had to say something to stop the madness and the the constant Twitter trends, but that didn’t really stop the fans from being cray online…

 

So whose side are you on? BSB or *Nsync? One Direction or Justin Bieber? Do you even care? Do you just want to reclaim your youth now? Yeah, probably the latter.

Do You Like Infomercials? Have We Got The Solution For You!

Posted in Lists, Miscellany by

The other night I was up late watching TV Guide Network (now called TVGN to be cooler), and I believe it was around the 2am mark when it turned from normal programming to official “late night” programming. AKA the time when all the infomercials come out to play.

Because I was only half paying attention to what was on my TV, I kept it on, and I’m so glad I did because I was introduced to so many items I never knew existed or never thought needed to be invented in the first place. But because they were so many that I watched in succession, I never thought about how every commercial was the same until now.

Basically all these companies use the same exact template to create the perfect infomercial, and every single time we get sucked into them. All you really need to do is fellow five easy steps and you too can make thousands of dollars from a ridiculous overpriced item.

1) Pose a Question

Do you have trouble sleeping at night? Can you never find your car keys in your purse? Tired of burning your hands on a hot plate? Are you extremely gullible when it comes to 3am advertisements?

These questions are posed right at the beginning of the commercial, such as the above for Pajama Jeans in the first 6 seconds. Perhaps this is a way to engage the customer as soon as the advertisement starts – like ‘hey, you on the couch! I’m going to get your attention by guessing an everyday struggle in your life!’ Why yes, Billy Mays (RIP), I do spill wine on my white carpet a lot, how did you know?? Oh maybe because if you’re constantly drinking red wine and spilling it in the middle of a night, you might be an alcoholic an have bigger problems than any stain remover can fix – but he’ll try.

2) Give an over exaggerated Example

If your target demographic answers ‘yes’ to your questions, they’ll keep watching once they see a black and white (or sepia) toned shot of someone, much like the jamoke sitting at home, giving an example of said problem. For the Pasta N’ More product, this suburbian mom just doesn’t have enough hands to hold all her items to make pasta. PASTA. As in a pot, water, and pasta. And when did she get all those items? There’s absolutely nothing in her kitchen!

3) Describe the item you’re selling

Alright, folks. Here’s our chance to lure them in with your new product – which is usually just a reimagined or improved version of something that already exists. Like the Air Curler – which is a replacement for those pesky curling irons you always burn your hands on. Also make sure that it looks super easy, and that even the dumbest of dumbs can make it work with ease. Because the Air Curler looks not dangerous at all.

4) “Customer” Reviews
Unlike the Magic Bullet commercial which is approx 30 minutes long and plays like a really bad sitcom about a group of adults the day after a swingers/key party, a lot of these ads feature people who swear by the item and how it changed their lives. Like how the Chillow impacted Robin P’s sleeping habits (at :50) so much that she doesn’t have migraines anymore! Who knew a cool pillow pad could be a medical marvel!

5) BUT WAIT!
Alright, enough, enough, just get to the chase and give your customer the price. BUT THEN SWEETEN THE DEAL BY TELLING THEM THERE’S MORE! Keyphrase to use here is: BUT WAIT! Basically, just throw in an extra Chip Wizard (as seen in 1:30 of the following vid), because you know it doesn’t cost $19.95 to make one, it’s more like $5 each. And that’s when you add an additional item that’s related, like the salsa maker, so the viewer feels like they’re really getting their money’s worth.

Alright, you got it? Now you can make the perfect infomercial.

Like this one featuring Joey Tribbiani:

Or this one for paper towels!

I’m Wearing White Tomorrow and You Can’t Stop Me

Posted in Outfit Girl by

Happy Labor Day everyone! Hope you’re reading this in the comfort of your own home or on vacation somewhere nice and attempting to not talk to your friends/family members by staring at your phone. While Labor Day is in honor of all of those who, well, labor, it also marks  a big transition into September.  It’s a sign that fall is on its way, that school is starting back up again, that people always have weddings over Labor Day weekend, and of course, most depressingly, that summer is over.

But Labor Day also is that date in the fashion calendars that end the wearing of all things white. Where did this all start anyways? Well a couple of origins stories include the fact that back in the day, people simply wore white in the summer because it would cool them down. Another story is that in the early 20th century, the well-to-doers would go up to their summer homes and don their white attire on vacation. When they headed back to the dreary city life, they’d take out their dark clothes to join all the city folk in their black attire.

Soon it became a hard and fast rule to wear white in the summer and immediately go back to dark the last weekend in August. And thus a rather ridiculous style rule was born.

You know what I say? I say screw the rules. Ima wear white when I wanna wear white, bitches. And I’m also gonna wear black with brown (if it looks appropriate) too, so suck on thatttt Anna Wintour.

However, if for some reason you think the fashion gods will smite you down and force you to shop at Ross (Dress for Less) the rest of your life, then here are some ways to still utilize those white items in your closet without completely breaking the rules of fashion.

For the Hipster Girl

White Hipster

For the Anthropologie Girl

Anthro White

For the Preppy Girl 

Preppy White

For the Jersey Shore/Guidette/Karma-Girl

Jersey Shore White

For the Vintage ‘I like retro but not shopping at thrift stores’ Girl

Vintage White

 

For the Granola/Crunchy/I wear Coachella Outfits year round Girl

Coachella White

Live Blog: Escape From Polygamy

Posted in Entertainment, Live Blogs by

Ah, another week another ridiculous Lifetime movie. Now I don’t watch anything on Lifetime to know that this movie even existed, but I was flipping through Entertainment Weekly and this was a featured item on their TV guide. All I read was the title and I knew I had to report on it.

I went in not really knowing anything, but this description per the TV info: “Deeply in love, a young man and woman plan to run away from their polygamous community and its leader.”

Yeah, because that gave me more information than I had before. Anyways, the only name I recognize is Mary McCormack, who played Kate Harper on the later seasons of The West Wing, and is making her polygamy debut as the mom, Leann. The rest are relative unknowns, which I suppose is good, because I always get distracted with that kind of thing, especially in movies such as this (see: Sharknado Live Blog & the dad from Home Alone).

Alright, polygamy. Let’s do this.

Meeting the family

Mary McCormack/Kate and her daughter Julina get picked up on the side of the road by an old guy in a truck – on purpose. He’s MM’s new husband, to which Julina responds, “He’s old.” MM says, “He’s my salvation. The Prophet doesn’t make mistakes.”

Okay, so this is supposed to be like Warren Jeffs, then? Got it.

Warren Jeffs 101

Founder of the  Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (FLDS Church)

Called the ‘President and Prophet’ of the ‘church’. He was the one who assigned the (polygamist) marriages within the community, no matter how old or if they were related

It was reported that Jeffs himself had 70 wives

In 2006, he was placed on the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted List for fleeing Utah to avoid getting arrested from charges stemming from his alleged arrangement of illegal marriages between the adult males & underage girls in the community.

He was arrested last that year and in 2007, he was charged with 8 more counts, including sexual conduct with minors and incest. He was eventually convicted of 2 counts of rape as an accomplice and sentenced to 10 years to life. But apparently there were incorrect jury instructions so the conviction was overturned.

Buttttt, he was sent to Texas, where he was found guilty of sexual assault and aggravated sexual assault of children in a FLDS owned West Texas ranch in 2009. He was sentence to life plus 20 years in prison.

Speaking of The Prophet, we are introduced to him when a whole gang of kids run down a dirt road following another pickup truck (vehicle of choice in the town of Hillcrest?) and they’re all yelling, “Daddy! Daddy!” That’s not creepy at all. What Is creepy is when he introduces himself to Julina and it’s as if he’s eyeing her to be his own wife.

MM officially ties the knot with her old guy husband, in a creepy way which involves dresses that look like Lane Kim’s from Gilmore Girls before Lorelai altered it. What’s even worse is that the guy’s latest wife, so his third, is the one that “gives away” the new wife. Polygamy, y’all.

Julina meets Ryder

Per my research, this movie was actually supposed to be titled Ryder and Julina, but because it’s on Lifetime, it has to be called something that’s juuuust scandalous enough to garner your attention. So Ju goes climbing on this big ass mountain and finds Ryder sitting pensively with his shirt all unbuttoned – a big no no in the community. Obviously. Sparks are flying everywhere and at her mother’s ‘wedding’ the two dance all romantic and kiss in the wedding barn.

I’m starting to think that this is a play on Romeo and Juliet except without you know, all the polygamy. Besides the obvious R(omeo/yder) + J(uliet/ulina) similarity, there was a window involved, frequent flirty glances at each other, etc. etc. Not related to R+J, but they are communicating by cell phone. Like a flip phone with T9. What year is it??? And are they allowed to have cell phones??

After an awkward inappropriate hair touching scene in a church service, we find out that Ryder is The Prophet’s son. Ah, star-crossed lovers if you will. To make matters worse, The Proph tells his Ryder that God told him he’s the next in line to be The Proph but he clearly doesn’t like this news…

The Revelation

In a really unsurprisingly turn of events, creepy Proph tells Ju that God has sent her to Hillcreek for a reason – to be his next wife. FYI she’s like 16.

Obvs, Ju starts to freak out and goes to Ryder for help, but his efforts seem wasted. He goes to confront his dad about this new revelation, and The Proph doesn’t back down (and even slaps his son), telling him that he and Julina are moving down to Mexico to start a new community. Mexico? Really? Because starting a polygamist community in Mexico is exactly what the country needs right now.

The Proposal

Both The Proph and MM are soooo gung ho about this new venture, so much so that Ju’s supposed to get married in ONE WEEK. Listen, you can take all the 200+ family members in this family and still wouldn’t be able to pull that off. I guess under these standards, all you need is a nasty wedding dress and a barn. Are barns like symbolic of something in the polygamist world or something?

Anyways, to try to stop the marriage, Ryder proposes to Ju and she says yes. They then seem to have their ‘wedding’ later that night in the same barn, but pretty sure it’s not legal since there is no officiant and no witnesses. Then they have sex and a bed suddenly appears. Taking a page right out of The Notebook, folks (if that empty house was a barn).

One of Ju’s sisters, Esther, creeps on them in the barn, saying ‘it’s a sin!’ before running away like a little bitch. Loose lips sink ships, Esther.

And a Baby Makes Three (or 20)

Shit’s going down now. The next day, Esther runs to Ju, and while she’s trying to convince her not to tell anyone about her and Ryder, there’s a cut to Esther’s feet and water coming down it. Um, yeah. she’s pregnant (note, Esther is also 16 years old-ish). She says, “The Prophet’s blessed us both now. Once he sees this baby, maybe he’ll take me for his next wife. Don’t tell him I want it to be a surprise.”

what the what??

Esther is legit hemorrhaging because of this baby, and The Proph comes in, says they can’t take her to the hospital. Basically, he’s all save the baby, idec about Esther. Hey how about we address the fact that you committed statutory rape?? Unfortunately his wish came true and Esther dies while her baby girl has to live in this messed up family.

Parenting 101

The Proph takes Ryder on a long ass road trip to the middle of no where and leaves him there because he finds out about Ryder and Ju (thanks, Esther). The Proph tells him that ‘Julina must give birth to a prophet a prophet he’ll never be.’ Yeah, okay that sounds like a great idea.

The Proph drives off to conduct the memorial service for Esther, and has the balls to blame it on someone else. “Help us learn our lesson from this immoral girl and the wicked boy who seduced her into sin.” Aka me. I seduced her into sin. He’s an asshole, basically.

Ju is NOT happy about that and ran the eff out of there. When confronted by The Proph, he tries to kiss her and she pushes him off and runs to her house to pack her bags and leave for good. Except some large men say she attacked The Proph and drag her away to The Proph’s house and won’t let her leave.

Sin City

Meanwhile Ryder is still on his Moses walk through the deserts of Utah, and somehow finds himself in Las Vegas. They filmed this scene as if he’s on an acid trip or something, because honestly it would probably be like that if you went from polygamy country to Sin City.

Earlier in the movie, Ryder shows off this postcard of the Welcome to Las Vegas sign from his friend Micah. So he finds the sign that’s in a “sketchy neighborhood” (in reality it’s on a meridian at the end of The Strip and not sketchy at all), and starts knocking on doors until he finds Micah. Because this is the movies, it’s the third door he knocks on. And also because it’s the movies, this guy is a third rate version of Emile Hirsch and Shane West put together.

Micah had a similar situation in that he didn’t run away from the community, but The Proph got a couple of guys to beat him up and drop him off in the middle of nowhere, and that’s how he got to Las Vegas. Also, Micah might be gay, which I’m assuming is also a big no no in their community. Ok he actually might be a male prostitute after he ‘jokingly’ came on to Ryder and took a line of coke. Not that doing coke and being gay is mutually exclusive.

The Escape (from Polygamy)

Micah agrees to help Ryder by going back to Hillcreek and save Ju from marrying The Proph, despite an outcry from some guy who says he runs an organization for ‘lost boys.’  They head back and Micah is the one who’s gonna sneak in and get Ju. He creeps in and doesn’t see her in her room, because she’s in the corner with her wedding dress bawling her eyes out.

Ju, probably. If should could drink.

MM wants to say goodbye to Ju before The Proph marries her and takes her to Mexico, and after a few stern ‘No’ from him, he finally agrees…

Which is good timing because Ju just ripped a piece of her wedding dress off to hang herself with. MM walks in and sees her lifeless body, and they take her body out and put it in the back of a pickup truck.

Micah sees this, but some of the guys catch him lurking and run after him. They catch him and bring him back to talk to The Proph, who tells his thugs to send him to “the canyon” which is obviously the place where people go to die. Micah escapes yet again but this time he is stopped by old man – the guy Ju’s mom is married to, whose first wife is Micah’s mom. make sense?

Ryder, who knows nothing about Ju yet, hears someone coming to the barn and it’s The Proph who attacks him with a metal bar, telling him it was his fault he didn’t stay away from Ju when he said to and now she’s dead. Just as he’s about to hit him and kill him for good, Ju comes running in – because PLOT TWIST her mom made her fake her death so she could leave the community – and The Proph is all “I thought you were dead” and she was all, “Well Jesus isn’t the only one who can rise from the dead!” (<- not verbatim) She’s about to hit him when old guy shoots him with a gun and Ryder miraculously wakes up. SHAKESPEARE.

The Aftermath

With The Proph dead, old guy turns into the next  Prophet, but he decides to make the community all wholesome again, and only do the polygamy thing. Micah is apparently accepted back into family, essentially giving up his dreams and day job of being a gay prostitute? TBH, I’d rather be a gay prostitute.

MM willingly takes Ju and Ryder to meet the lost boys guy to meet in the middle of the desert so they can live a life together in peace.

Random Thoughts:

“This whole thing’s crazy.” um yes, it is.

“t’s a sin…” “So let me sin again.” Shakespeare? Is that you? I used to watch Romeo + Juliet at least once a week when I was in sixth grade, don’t even play.

The music in this movie is akin to the stuff you would hear in a coffee shop in a small town or like Providence, Rhode Island near all the Brown students. Or if you turned on the Coffee House station on Sirius XM. Or if you put together all the Best Of songs from Zach Braff’s movies.

Seven Minutes in (Comedy) Heaven

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by

With three (soon to be four) SNL cast members not returning this fall, Lorne and co. is on the hunt for the next big sketch comedians. A few names have been released, but most importantly among them is Mike O’Brien – or as he’s being listed now, Michael Patrick O’Brien. Irish much? Mike/Michael has been a part of SNL since 2009, when he audition to be a player on the show, but was ultimately hired to be a writer. Seems like Lorne is changing his mind and putting Mike in the forefront just like he did Tina Fey. So if you’re not already, let’s get acquainted with this guy.

Don’t know who Mike/Michael is? Maybe if you’ve got a keen eye, you’ve seen him on SNL before:

Screen shot 2013-08-24 at 1.03.29 AM

Or you might know him as the guy who hangs out with celebrities in closets and tries to make out with them in the hilarious web series, 7 Minutes in Heaven. He started in 2011, and it’s slowly become popular over the years. He’s interviewed everyone from Ellen DeGeneres to Patricia Clarkson to a Juggalo from the Insane Clown Posse. Here are just a few to get you pumped up for his (reported) debut as a featured player on SNL this September. And yes, kissing is involved…22famous1-articleLarge

Kristen Wiig

In another life, Kristen Wiig makes soup in California.

Amy Poehler

Honestly, some of Amy’s best hat work she’s ever done.

Jason Sudeikis

Jason was Mike’s office buddy at SNL (bc NBC can’t afford to give EVERY cast member & writer their own office), and it looks like that they proved the unimaginable – they got even closer than ever before.

Ellen DeGeneres

Still can’t believe Ellen agreed to do this.

Jack McBrayer

In another world, Jack McBrayer and Mike O’Brien are brothers. In this world they’re two guys who awkwardly kiss in a closet.

John Hamm

Ron Draper is Dick Whitman’s alter ego.

Seth Meyers

In which Mike quizzes Seth in alllll the movies he’s been in and his lines in the said movies.

Paul Rudd

Rudd’s got a lot of experience in kissing men – especially thanks to the Vogelchucks sketch from SNL.

Tina Fey

I know the queen Tina Fey is in this video and everything, but Mike’s pornstache is wayyy too distracting.

5 Things You Missed At The VMAs

Posted in Entertainment, Lists, Uncategorized by

Missed the VMAs yesterday? Don’t worry, because I got you covered. And it’s probably for the best because there was a good amount of people on the red carpet that I had absolutely NO IDEA who they were. I am old.

Also, before I go into the top moments from the show, can I just share something that’s annoyed me since I started watching this awards show back in the day? WHY is it called the VMAs – as in Video Music Awards? Shouldn’t it be MVAs – Music Video Awards?? Someone from MTV get back to me on that.

Anyways, the storied “VMAs” headed back to NYC and for the first time were held in Brooklyn at Barclay’s Center – aka the place where Jay Z’s basketball team plays. To me, MTV goes hand in hand with New York, probably because of the TRL days, so it’s great that the show was back in the Big Apple.

People are probably going to be talking about things that happened during the show, so here’s a breakdown of the things that went down on Sunday so you can talk to your 20-year-old co-worker/intern about what happened…

5) Amen! Hallelujah! Praise Yeezus

^click for video^

Kanye is on hand (without North or Kimmy K) to sing Blood on the Leaves. He starts off with a red light on his face as he raps into a mic, and then pans out to show just his shadow against this background, and it’s actually really great. Just him performing without all the extra shit. If anyone saw him on Kris Jenner’s show on Friday, he talked about how he went to art school, had three scholarships, and considers himself an artist above anything else. This performance just proved it.

4) Taylor Swift is still an asshat (see here)

So the very first award of the night is for Best Pop Video. Presenting is One Direction, and among the nominees is Selena Gomez. If you haven’t put it together yet, Selena is BFF with Taylor (hence them sitting next to each other) and Taylor used to “date” Harry in 1D (the most famous one with the brown shaggy hair). As 1D was talking, the cameras went to Taylor and Selena, and Taylor said this:

You first.

Selena incidentally won the award, and politely kissed Harry on the cheek.

Later, Taylor won the award for Best Female Video, and said this during her speech:

When winning Best Female Video, Taylor says, “I want to thank the person who inspired this song – who knows exactly who he is – because now I got one of these.”… CUT TO HARRY STYLES LOOKING AWKWARD.

TAYLOR YOU ARE 23 YEARS OLD. GET IT TOGETHER. Even Selena’s over your complaining – look at her face. You always make it look like you’re the victim, but here you are standing in front of the world practically bullying your ex-boyfriend. Just a simple ‘thank you’ would have been sufficient. The girl really needs to learn the art of letting go…

3) Lady Gaga out Gagas Gaga

Gaga opens the show and the very first sight you see of the MTV VMAs is this:

And then this:

 Okay Stefani, you look creepy even for Lady Gaga standards. You look like an extra on a kids’ daytime show like the Teletubbies or something. But if you’re not disturbing by that sort of thing, watch the whole performance.

Oddness aside, I appreciated the fact she kicked off her performance by singing without overproduced beats in the background and just showcasing her voice. But then she broke out into Applause. Through a series of quick on stage costume changes she kind of goes through her discography from Poker Face to Telephone and finally to Artpop. Also all her dancers look like Mike Myers’ Sprockets sketch from SNL.

PS: Another reason to love Gaga despite her odditties – when One Direction won for Song of the Summer, apparently people were booing, and she was not okay with it. She even told the boys themselves.

2) Miley Cyrus twerks with Robin Thicke

click on image for the performance that will damage your brain

First off Vanessa Bayer shows up with her Miley Cyrus impression and it’s the best thing to happen so far (you know, like 20 mintues in). If you wanted more Miley twerking besides that one video of her in a onesie, here it is. Miley’s been toting around this huge stuff bear Boo (like the one in the video), and now the entire stage is filled with bears. Miley breaks out into We Can’t Stop in her furry swimsuit and her mohawk pulled into tiny buns like Gwen Stefani during the Tragic Kingdom days.

Incidentally, this was at the VMAs in 1998

And then she sheds the furry thing off to reveal a bathing nude bikini akin to the girls in the Blurred Lines video, and she begins to twerk on Robin Thicke while they duet on his song. I am uncomfortable, mainly because Hannah Montana should be wearing more clothes and not humping a married man that maybe could be her dad. If Liam hasn’t broken up with her yet, he should now.

But really, the audience reactions were the best. And they were more or less the same.

if your eyes haven’t burned out yet…

Drake bobbin his head, but not being able to actually look at her out of longterm damage

Second hand embarrassment from 1D and high as a kite Rihanna barely understanding what’s happening and if Miley is stealing her moves

Jaden’s face is usually like that, but entirely appropriate for this occasion…

1) Justin Timberlake proves he’s meant to be a solo artist aka *NSYNC reunites

look into JT’s eyes & click the pic for video!

First off, my boy Jimmy Fallon is (fittingly) giving this award to JT. We start off in the lobby and it looks like a love lip dub – and ironically similar to the opening number Jimmy did at the Emmys a few years ago. Basically I just want a posse of dancers to follow me everywhere I go. He then goes into an epic medley of his greatest hits and it is amazing. I had the chance to go to the Legends of Summer tour at Fenway Park in Boston a couple weeks ago, and it was seriously the best concert I’ve ever been to. I think sometimes we forget that JT has so many hits until he sings them in succession and you end up knowing every single word to all his songs. That’s a legend right there. At the VMAs, he spent a minute or two cover a bunch of his hits, making each one seem like its own mini concert.

And then came *NSYNC. Too bad they couldn’t keep that a secret, because it would have been awesome to be surprised when these four other guys joined him on stage. But I get it – they wanted to make sure they got the *NSYNC fans to watch – slash any viewers they could get. Speaking as a Backstreet Boys fan, I even felt like they could’ve been up there longer. But as my friend Meghan (a *NSYNC fan) said, ‘Pretend you hadn’t seen BSB for 10 years. That 90 seconds was well worth it.’ So I suppose the 90 seconds was better than nothing. But at least they came out singing songs I actually liked (Gone, Girlfriend). Chris proved that he should’ve been training for this reunion since the day they broke up because boy needed to keep up with the rest of the group (also, apparently Chris’ trap door failed…). And what was with JC sneaking in a riff at the end? But since JT wasn’t done, the four others went back on their platforms, and slowly descended back down into the pit of being in Justin Timberlake’s shadow.

JT continues his 20 minute medley and the cameras keep showing Taylor Swift singing and dancing in the audience. Okay, so at the Grammys and the CMAs (or country like awards show) they kept doing the same thing and showed TSwift awkwardly dancing. THIS IS A FORMAL PETITION TO START BANNING HER FROM DANCING AT ALL AWARDS SHOWS. NAY, THIS IS A PETITION TO STOP ALL PRODUCERS OF AWARDS SHOWS FROM SHOWING HER IN THE AUDIENCE EVER. I WANT TO SEE AS MUCH JT AS POSSIBLE. GOOD DAY SIR.

Finally it comes to an end and Jim Jam comes back on the stage hyped as ever and legit going to lose his voice from pumping up JT so much. Worth it. Bros ❤ JT is as humble as ever, even thanks his boys of *NSYNC for being the reason why he was up there in the first place. “I don’t deserve this ward but i’m not gonna give it back” Fair.

Honorable Mentions

 – Macklemore and Ryan Lewis promote equality with Mary Lambert and Jennifer Hudson. Those harmonies between the ladies tho.

– Katy Perry roars under the Brooklyn Bridge. NGL, I love that song. I felt like I could wrestle a lion after that.

– A collective ‘Who da fuck is that??’ from all the millennials who were tuning in to see the *NSYNC reunion.

Show You Should Be Watching If You Aren’t Already: Orange Is The New Black

Posted in Entertainment by

Raise your hand if you were apprehensive about the idea of Netflix creating original programming. I thought it was a smart idea for Arrested Development to make its big comeback online after the networks gave it the heave ho, but when I heard the people behind Netflix were going to continue their venture into alternative programming, I didn’t really think it was going anywhere.

Boy was I wrong.

I watched House of Cards, thought it was brilliant, and then it gave me hope that Orange is the New Black would be just as good. After hearing from a bunch of people and seeing the fandom grow on Tumblr, I decided to give it a try. And in all honesty, I loved it more than Kevin Spacey looking straight into my soul in House of Cards.

Created by the woman behind Weeds, Jenji Kohan, I knew that if OITNB had any of the same drama/weird comedy her previous show did, it would at least be pretty decent. And for you Weeds fans, I expected it to be as good as at least the first 2 seasons in Agrestic.

Quick plot summary: Based on a true story, Piper Chapman (Taylor Schilling) is a yuppie, Connecticut-raised, New York City resident who is engaged to her fiance, Larry Bloom (Jason Biggs). In the pilot, she is sentenced to a women’s correctional facility after being convicted of carrying drug money for drug smuggler Alex Vause (Laura Pepon) – who also happens to be her ex-girlfriend. Piper is introduced to an eccentric group of fellow inmates, and learns the ropes of living in jail.

I think what makes this show special is that although Piper is the main character and the story revolves around her, the magic of the show is the outstanding ensemble of actors that come together to create a group of people you care about – even though they are all criminals. Besides Piper, I believe, you get to know each person before it is revealed what they did in order to spend time in prison. We get to know these characters on a human level, not a criminal one.

Here are just a few of the standout recurring characters from OITNB,

Tasha “Taystee” Jefferson

played by Danielle Brooks

Taystee is probably the liveliest, most energetic inmate in the prison. In fact, she’s so upbeat that she’s the main reason why at times, you forget you’re watching a show that takes place behind bars.  Taystee also is an excellent employee in the prison library (as seen above), which makes me love her even more.

Poussey Washington

Played by Samira Wiley

  Poussey is Taystee’s best friend, and their friendship is one to be jealous of. In a place where the ladies often look to each other for ahem.. sexual relief… Taystee and Poussey’s friendship is endearing, natural, and at its heart – a story two lifelong sisters.

Tiffany “Pennsatucky” Doggett

played by taryn manning

This bitch cray. There’s no other way to describe it. She’s like The Situation or Sarah Palin – you know what they’re saying and doing is wrong, but you can’t help but watch it all go down in flames. Pennsatucky is a former drug addict who turns herself into a self-proclaimed evangelist for God. Except everything she does is not Christian at all.

Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren

played by uzo aduba

Oh Crazy Eyes. She has the most fitting nickname, because all you have to do is look at her. She quickly becomes obsessed with Piper, but things go awry once she tells her she’s engaged – to a man – and does not want to hook up. Let’s just say, don’t get Crazy Eyes mad when she’s had a lot to drink.

Sophia Burset

played by laverne cox

Sophia is a transgender woman who is the hairdresser for many of the inmates. As if living as a transgender isn’t hard enough out in the real world, it’s even more difficult in prison. But Sophia has this exceptional confidence that she always carries that would make any woman – or man – jealous.

Nicky Nichols

played by Natasha Lyonne

I feel like Natasha Lyonne was made for the role. Nicky Nichols is a former drug addict who provides snarky commentary and A+ advice to her fellow inmates.

BONUS: John Bennett

Played by Matt McGorry, Bennett is a correctional officer who is in a secret relationship with inmate Daya. I did not include a picture because I graduated college with him and it’s weird to see his face everywhere. I got freaked out and had to stop searching. But he’s included so I can compare my success in life with his (not as impressive as his).

BONUS x2: The cast members are people you actually want to hang out with IRL. Case in point: TWERKING.

BONUSx3: Even though we’re nearing the end of the summer TV season, there’s still plenty of time to fit in another series before fall TV kicks up again. So after you watch OITNB and are left wondering what to watch, we suggest using this awesome TV show generator to find your next fave series!

Click image to open interactive version (via CableTV.com).

Bill Clinton Converses with Celebrities

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Yesterday was the 42nd President’s 66th birthday, and it’s not just because I like the guy, but I always remember his birthday because he shares it with my dad. So I mean, you could consider me as the Asian Chelsea Clinton. We have a lot of similarities.

Anyways, Billy C has had a storied life, bringing him all over the world and meeting hundreds of thousands of people of every walk of life. I recently came across this pic of a young William Jefferson Clinton meeting then President John F. Kennedy at The White House in 1963.

bill clinton jfk

He was just a teen in this iconic pic but can you even imagine their conversation?! ‘Oh hey Mr. President. I’m going to be the President one day and have an affair with an intern and my wife’s gonna forgive me and so will America and people will still like me. How’s Marilyn?’ (not verbatim)

Throughout the years of his Presidency, Billy has met a plethora of famous people, and if only we could hear what they were saying …

Billy C: Hey, that goatee looks great on you. I should grow one out too, don’t you think?
Brad Pitt: … No offense sir, but I was sexiest man alive 1995. I can pull anything off. You? Not so much.

Billy C: Great job tonight son. Nice hair.
Justin Bieber: Thanks man. Who are you again?

Billy C: Hilary and I listen to your slow jamz all the time. If you know what I mean *wink*
Usher: Yeah, I got you, sir. No need to wink.

Billy C: Y’all want to start a supergroup?!
Bono & Jon Bon Jovi: … No.

Billy C: Kobe, you and I have a lot in common.
Kobe: Don’t I know it, sir!
Kobe’s Wife: *flashes diamond ring*

Mick Jagger: Let’s go team-m, let’s go!
Billy C: You’re clapping off beat.

Betty White: Oh! Mr. President!!
Billy C: This is the most action I’ve gotten in 2 years. Let this happen.

Billy C: Jennifer, thanks so much for my award. Such a pleasure to meet you!
Jennifer Lawrence: HAHAHA I’m such a big fan I loved you in the White House I mean as the President not like ‘IN the White House’ like I’m a fan of you when you were the leader of the free world not like I was stalking you in the White House… you’re from Arkansas and I’m from Kentucky, we’re both from the south, isn’t that great?! *falls flat on her face*

Billy C: Charlize! Have you met Matt Bomer? He’s convinced me to do Magic Mike 2!
Matt: It’s true! I didn’t convince him to wear that fedora though…
Charlize: Are you sure you’re gay??

Bill Cosby: Now sir…. have you heard the joke about the penguin and the spaghetti…
Jerry Seinfeld: What’s the deal with the spaghetti?
Billy C: I honestly have no idea what either of you are saying right now.

Billy C: Hey Mikey, how’s that monkey of yours doing?
Michael Jackson: Not here, Mr. President. Not here.

Michael Jordan: I love you man, thanks so much for coming out to play golf with me.
Billy C: This picture is going to be framed and hung up in my Harlem office.

Billy C: Bruuuce! Can I bring out my saxophone now?
Bruce Springsteen: Alright man, but only on Born to Run.

Lyle Lovett: *mumbles*
Willie Nelson: Hey Pres, I got some realllly nice pot backstage if you wanna take a few hits before we go back out there.
Billy C: I don’t trust your pot, Willie… Let’s use mine.
Whoopi Goldberg: Child, this is NOT The View that I signed up for.
Eric Clapton: WTF am I doing here, I’m not even American.

Billy C: I can’t believe I’m hugging THE Meryl Streep!
Meryl Streep: Someone take this peasant off of me.

Tom Cruise: So now that you’re not the President anymore, how are your stress levels? Can I interest you in a free test? All the celebrities are doing it…
Billy C: Nice try, Tommy.

Billy C: *thumbs up*

So, [Insert Famous Person Here] Got A Haircut

Posted in Entertainment, Lists, Outfit Girl by

As we all know by now, Beyonce got her hurr did last week, and shocked everyone by posting this pic on the interwebz:

All hell broke loose once she posted the photos, and it legit became a worldwide trending topic on Twitter. The media was covering it like World War III had just started. You have to ask yourself – is this all really necessary? Beyonce gets a haircut and that’s all anyone can talk about? I obviously understand that more people care about Beyonce than the regular person, but still. Can’t wait for the day when a woman of star status cutting her hair doesn’t make headlines or define herself as a person.

But B isn’t the only celebrity who has received this much attention for shedding her locks. Check out these other folks who’ve made headlines just for their “drastic” haircuts.

Keri Russell

Before

After

I think it’s safe to say that if there was any one haircut that changed television, it was this one. And the ‘Rachel’ doesn’t count – that was a trend. No one was running out the door to get Felicity’s short cut. But Keri Russell, whose greatest role is probably Felicity (save the Mickey Mouse Club), became the center of controversy in 1999 when she cut off her trademark hair in favor for a different kind of trademark hair.

Keri took a photo of herself wearing a short hair wig as a joke to the producers, who then decided it was time for Felicity to have a dramatic hair change as well. Incidentally, that following season, ratings declined and many thought the haircut was to blame. Or it could be the fact that the storylines began to suck, but hey I’m not here to judge (yes, yes I am).

But this haircut became such a big controversy that it has been a constant reference in pop culture, and I probably didn’t even have to write this because you knew about it already.

Miley Cyrus

Before

After

I think out of all the celebrity haircuts I’ve been alive for, this one has been the most “shocking.” Adding to her evolution from Disney Princess to rebellious adult, Miles went for a totally punk rock look last year. TBH, I thought it wasn’t as bad as everyone was saying it was, mainly because it kinda fit her ‘real’ personality, but to go from long locks (which she put into a perfect bun) to this look, stunned to world over.

Emma Watson

Before

After

What’s the best way to celebrate the end of a 10 year job that changed your life? Cut off all your hair, of course. Emma explained that after years of being told what to do and when to do it, it was liberating to finally do whatever the hell she wanted. With that explanation, I personally approved of her pixie cut, especially when it grew out just a bit more. But for perfectionist Hermione, it was a rebellious act that could barely be fathomed. What’s that, now? Harry Potter isn’t real?

Lena Dunham

Before

After

Apparently after actors finish a milestone in their careers, they stun the public by cutting off their hair. When we first met Lena Dunham, she was the quirky, usually nude, multi-talented star of Girls. And then we watched the rest of season one and Lena Dunham became, well, Lena Dunham. After wrapping season one, she posted this pic on Instagram and wrote, “I Miley’d the shit out of this Saturday.” This is how celebdom works now. Miley Cyrus and her haircut are now verbs. Just take note people, don’t pull a Hannah Horvath and try to Miley the shit of your hair by yourself.

Demi Moore

Before

lol that tagline

After

The year was 1997. Demi Moore was still married to Bruce Willis and I was in sixth grade thinking I would be married to AJ McLean from the Backstreet Boys. Things have changed for Demi, not so much for me. Filed under: Willing to do anything for her craft, Demi was enlisted as the lead role in G.I. Jane, a Lieutenant in the Navy. Naturally, being in the military requires a buzzcut for men, but her character decided to do it anyways. Not only did she do it for real, she did it herself. If you want to put yourself in the 1997 mindset, just imagine Hanson in their heyday, and Demi as the highest paid actress in Hollywood at the time. That’s like if Angelina Jolie just decided to cut all her hair off down to a buzzcut for a movie role in one take.

Anne Hathaway

Before

After

Following in the footsteps of Demi, Anne also shed her hair for a role, which we all know now as Fantine’s 20 minute appearance in Les Miserables, which earned Anne an Emmy and every other award possible. I know Anne is a really polarizing celebrity, and I’m kind of indifferent about her, but for some reason, my Hathaway meter leans towards dislike with her short hair. It’s like she knows she has confidence and is better than all of us and hangs her Oscar from her car mirror. She even dyed it blonde (which I’m assuming was also for another role), which didn’t really help either.