Soul diva Aretha Franklin has a new album coming out called ‘Aretha Franklin Takes on the Great Diva Classics’, and if you haven’t figured out the theme of the record by now, it’s basically her covering songs by other divas. Yesterday, her cover of Adele’s Rolling in the Deep was released online, and it sounds a little something like this.
Now, I’m not sure if it’s because I’m on drugs as I’m nursing a cold right now, but I do not like this version. I even listened to it twice you guys, and I still felt the same way about it. Is it the fact that a brilliant singer like Aretha used autotune on a track? Maybe. Is it because she over-dramatizes the phrase ‘rolling in the deeEEEEEEEEP’? Probs (you should hear me trying to imitate her singing right now). Is it because the Adele version is so perfect that it’s hard to top, even if you’re Aretha Franklin? Obvs.
The song just came out, so I’m not sure what all the people are saying about it, but here’s my unpopular opinion against it. I’m obviously no music critic, so haters that may be reading this right now, take that with a grain of salt. Aretha is obviously one of the greatest vocalists of all time, but sometimes, it’s just better if you don’t fix what’s not broken. I get that she wanted to give it her own twist and make it different enough from the original that it stands out, but this was just too much. It actually sounded like she was trying a bit too hard. But if it’s any consolation, every singer must go through this complex. They think they can sing one way and that it will turn out a certain way but when you take a step back, it’s not exactly what you had hoped for. The kids on American Idol have been struggling with this since season one. ‘Make it your own’ Randy said. ‘It’s too karaoke’ Simon said. It’s hard to find a balance between the two, but when a singer does find the right combo, it’s perfect.
Speaking of American Idol, someone who’s amazing at covering songs without butchering them is Kelly Clarkson, who spent an entire tour taking requests from fans and singing one cover a night. She decided to tackle Adele’s Someone Like You while in Australia, and the result was a fitting tribute to the great song Adele made but also sounded like a straight up Kelly Clarkson track, if that makes any sense.
While Aretha puts too much ‘Aretha’ in her cover, Kelly doesn’t overdo it by putting too much ‘Kelly’ into it. I love you Aretha, but maybe pull back a little on the drama. Yes, I know that’s basically what she’s known for, but it works much better and is much more impressive when she does it on her own songs. By the way, in case you’re wondering, some of the other divas Aretha covers on her new album include Barbra Streisand’s People and Sinead O’Connor’s Nothing Compares 2 U. I’m going to take a moment to let that sink in.
But back to Rolling in the Deep. The other big reaction I had from listening to this song was that it only made me yearn for more Adele. She has such a unique and wonderful voice that just can’t be replaced. Aretha did her thing, Kelly did a great job, but there’s nothing quite like the original. I need her to come out of her baby cave and release a new album. An EP would even suffice. Hell, do what Beyonce did and put your son in the record – I just need to never hear Aretha scooping up for notes in autotune ever again.
Last weekend, Molly and I spent the weekend in New York City, partly to celebrate her birthday, partly to use up vacation days, and partly to see if we could spot any of our favorite people coming out of 30 Rock (we came at the absolute wrong time when no one was filming and didn’t get to see anyone). If you’re new here, we’re comedy nerds, and honestly, just being in the same building the helped break the careers of people like Poehler and Tina and Jimmy and Kristen etc. etc. etc. was thrilling enough. We were hoping some of the Saturday Night Live cast would be there early to greet us but apparently they weren’t as eager to see us as we were to see them.
But stalking aside, the cast went back to school on Monday for the start of the 40th (!) season of Saturday Night Live, which begins on Saturday, and ‘breakout star’ of the summer, Chris Pratt, taking the helm. There’s no doubt in my mind that he’s going to be fantastic, because he’s a champ at comedy and imrpov, so it’ll be like second nature for him. But there are a few things I hope to see come Ssaturday, and while I’ll obviously be happy with anything he does, here are my suggestions for the season opener…
Guardians of the Galaxy parody
Pratt obviously has been around for awhile, whether you know him as the guy from Everwood, or Parks or Zero Dark Thirty, he’s paid his dues and racked up a good amount of iMDb credits. But he shot up to B+/low A list status after Guardians became the biggest movie of the summer all over the world, and it’s no wonder Lorne and SNL producers chose him to host the season opener. So it would only make sense that they capitalize on some of that, just like many of the hosts before him. Perhaps something along the same lines as when Andrew Garfield had that ‘kissing’ sketch with Emma Stone and Chris Martin from Coldplay showed up. Perhaps Groot has a more extensive vocabulary and turns out to be a tree that never shuts up? Or GoTG has a crossover with Footloose?
Amy Poehler or Aubrey Plaza or Aziz Ansari or anyone from Parks shows up in a sketch
It would be only fitting for Amy Pueblo to come back home to support her pal Pratt, right? One of the many reasons I love Parks is that the cast is actually really tight and they support each other in everything they do. Pratt was doing an interview during press for GoTG and when asked how her Parks castmates responded to him being this big superhero, he teared up and said he was getting emotional because all of them had been so happy and supportive of his new gig as the StarLord. Even if none of them show up onscreen, I have a feeling a number of them will at least be backstage rooting him on.
Shirtless Pratt
As you can clearly see, Pratt had to lose a lot of weight to play Marvel’s latest super hero, and also during the GoTG press tour, it seemed like everyone was asking about how he got in shape – which is only fair seeing as how he posted the selfie on the right on social media. I mean… come on. Although Chris has already admitted he’s given up on his diet and strict regimen since then, I feel like taking his shirt off might need to be a priority for SNL.
Anna Faris appears in the monologue
Anna has hosted a couple of times before, so she could possibly do one of those ‘hi honey, I have some tips for you’ gags, which Emma did for Andrew earlier this year, and apparently I have to keep referencing them in this post. If you haven’t seen Anna and Chris act together (What’s Your Number? anyone?) they’re the absolute cutest. And if you didn’t even know they were married, then.. they’re married and it’s the cutest. Both of them are great comedic actors and if she shows up for just a super small part, it will be fantastic.
Jurassic Park sketch
Chris Pratt is continuing his domination of movies that will be loved by generations to come by starring in the upcoming installment of Jurassic Park. Details about the actual movie are scarce, but SNL can take liberties with it and make up their own plot. Hell, they could even just have Pratt retroactively do an impression of Sam Neill and I’d be okay with it.
Drunk Uncle
Boy do I love Drunk Uncle. And boy, do I love Bobby Moynihan. And boy, would I love if Pratt came on Weekend Update to play Drunk Uncle’s Drunk Nephew. Hilarity would (continue) ensuing.
Any other ideas for Pratt tomorrow? Not like the writers will read this but, maybe by putting it out into the universe, we can will it so. Good luck, pal! We’re pulling for you!!
We’re smack dab in the middle of fall TV premiere week and while we count down the hours to the #Scandal premiere with wine in hand, we’re also ready to try out some of the new shows. We covered some during our TV Week, and among the ones we’re super excited about is A to Z, starring everyone’s favorite Mother, Cristin Milioti.
Cristin is relatively new, considering she’s been specific roles to different groups of fans, and it’s about time she be recognized for the excellent talent she is. So in honor of A to Z starting next week, we’re dedicating #WomanCrushWednesday to one of our favorite “new” actresses, Cristin Milioti.
The Mother/Tracy ‘Not a Plot Device’ McConnell/TM
Let’s get this out of the way right now. If you’re not caught up with the series finale of How I Met Your Mother and don’t want to be spoiled, STOP READING NOW. Also props for managing to not find out the outcome for so long.
The series finale was a polarizing one, to say the least, and we lean towards the unfavorable side of the coin. Not to see we hated it completely, but we would’ve liked to see a happier ending. You know, with less death. To pull a Ted, let’s start from the beginning. The moment she walked up to the train ticket booth and said ‘One ticket to Farhampton, please’ I SCREAMED at my TV because I knew her as Broadway’s Cristin Milioti (more on that later).
I was so excited because knowing her style, she seemed like the perfect fit for the love of Ted Evelyn Mosby’s life. In the final season when they had scenes together, it felt worth it. That the wait to meet Her over the past nine years had culminated in Ted meeting and falling in love with his perfect match – even the Victorias and Stellas and Jeanettes were all worth it because Tracy was ‘better’ than them and it was clear just by the chemistry between her and Ted.
And then the conspiracy theorists turned out to be right. Everything we (me) hoped wouldn’t happen did, and Tracy, this perfect human, died from a mystery illness and Ted really completed his full circle love affair with Robin at the end. Whatever your position on the ending may be, I think we can all agree that Tracy was a good match for Ted, and it wouldn’t have been perfect without the brilliant talent from Cristin.
A Girl and Her Ukelele
One of Cristin’s shining moments on the show is this short, sweet, heart wrenching clip of Tracy singing La Vie En Rose by Edith Piaf, which Ted hears for the first time while sitting outside his hotel at Robin and Barney’s wedding. The emotion she brings to the song is just as impressive as Edith’s original version, but in a slightly different way. Ted’s enchantment with her singing is one of the first glimpses of his initial connection with his future wife and gave me the gossebumps watching it. Fun fact: Cristin learned the song on ukelele just for the scene.
“Tony Award nominee Cristin Milioti”
Like previously mentioned, I first found out about Cirstin when she got cast as the lead role of Girl in the Original Broadway Cast of Once. Even though I never got the chance to see her in all her glory live, I’ve made my way through the soundtrack more times than I care to share. When paired with Steve Kazee, the two make a super couple with one magical musical baby, as evidence by their duet of the hit song Falling Slowly, as seen above. It’s nearly impossible not to cry (okay, it’s possible, but I’m just a baby who can’t keep her emotions in).
She’s a Sexy Baby
And now for something completely different, the same year Cristin made her debut in Once, she appeared in a standout episode of 30 Rock, which deals with sexism in the workplace. The show Liz Lemon runs is accused of being misogynistic, so she hires a female writer played by Cristin named Abby, who turns out to be provocative and really stereotypical. It was one of the most memorable episodes of 30 Rock and it’s hard to believe Cristin in the same girl as Girl or The Mother based on this alone.
She Has Leonardo DiCaprio’s e-mail, Probably
Cristin is originally from Cherry Hill, New Jersey and calls herself “Olive Garden Italian”, but in Wolf of Wall Street she plays Jordan Belfort’s (Leo) first wife Teresa, who looks like this:
So I feel like maybe this role was one of the most relatable for her…?
She has a Drunk Personality
If it makes you feel any better, Cristin, I don’t think ANYONE can recite the alphabet backwards while pointing to their nose. It’s nearly impossible to do sober, so your argument is valid.
We Would’ve Been A Part Of The Same High School Clique
I went through a really good-looking phase from birth to 9. And then things went crazy. I don’t know what happened, but between 9 and 14 it was really, really rough. I didn’t have a lot of friends. The only ones who were nice to me were the theater kids. And they were like, ‘You can come and join us. No one likes us.” {x}
In high school, Molly and I fell under the category of theater kids, but the kind that wasn’t completely hung ho about it, closer to that of the lower sports clique. Think Cool Asians, as opposed to Asian nerds. Cristin is one of our people, and not afraid to embrace her love for the stage like us, and I appreciate that.
She Rules The Rom Com
There are only a number of shows I’m super excited about watching in the coming weeks, and A to Z, starring Cristin and Mad Men’s Ben Feldman is one of them. If you like HIMYM, you’ll probably like this show. It tells the story of a couple’s complete dating history – and they only date for 8 months. Cristin puts on the charm and so does Ben, and together, you start to question your ship for Tracy and Ted Mosby. (A to Z’s pilot is on NBC.com, but premieres on October 2nd on NBC!)
It’s happening you guys. IT’S ALL HAPPENING. Sorry I yelled at you. Let’s make up. I’m just super excited for the recent news coming out of Netflix HQ: All seven seasons of Gilmore Girls are coming to Netflix Instant. That’s right – 153 episodes, about 6,732 minutes, and an unlimited number of pop culture references that will be available at your beck and call any time of day!
For Gilmore Girls fanatics like me, this doesn’t *seem* like it should be as important as it is. Like, I have all seven seasons on DVD and watch repeats of them on ABC Family everyday before I go to work, but still, Netflix Instant is next level. This means it’s possible to watch Dean build a car for Rory, watch Luke and Lorelai’s first kiss, and skip all the April episodes all in one fell swoop!
If you didn’t get any of those references, then you probably need to binge watch GG the moment it becomes available on October 1st. Why? Well let me tell you the brief history I have with this show. I was a late bloomer to GG, catching the repeats the first year they went on syndication right after season 5 aired in the summer of 2005. I remember becoming obsessed and even taped (yes, with VHS tapes) every single episode from TV. I eventually bought the DVDs and watched every episode multiple times, memorized lines, daydreamed about being BFF with Lorelai, or just daydreamed about being Lorelai. It was a show I watched with my group of friends that I studied abroad with, illegally streaming eps that aired in the U.S. so we could be caught up with the current season. It’s a show that I related to, where I could see myself in Lorelai, in Rory, in Lane, where sarcasm and witty quips were a fluent language and coffee is the drink of choice. It’s a show that romanticizes small town America, but still deals with realistic problems (for the most part). It’s a show that’s not just for teen girls like most assume, but for both adult women AND men. It’s a show, that at its heart, is about family, friendship and community. Most importantly, it’s a show you should be watching in its entirety come October 1st.
For the new citizens of Stars Hollow, or those who haven’t seen the show in a while and are in the mood for a good ol’ binge watch, here are some helpful tips (in no particular order) to get you through seven full seasons of one of the greatest TV shows of all time*.
The gals’ relationship to food is probably the longest relationship both Lorelai and Rory have ever had. They take it seriously. During Rory’s first night at college, Lorelai even organized a taste test for all the fast food places in the area so they could rate them. Also, one of the cardinal rules of the Gilmore girls is that if they’re sitting down to watch a movie or TV show, they have to have snacks. And not just one kind of snack. Like you can’t just have popcorn. You also have to have candy and pizza and Chinese take out from Al’s Pancake World. Make sure you have all your bases covered when binge watching.
Tip #2: Don’t eat all the snacks
Don’t let these adorable Gilmore Girls fool you, they’ve trained years to eat as much as they do and still wear a size 2. That and the fact that they’re actors and probably have spit buckets at the ready. There have actually been in-depth studies on how Lor and Rory manage to eat all the crap they eat and still look thin. One person at The Huffington Post even calculated how many calories they intake in a day. It’s not pretty. So as much as you want to eat like a champion, leave it to the professionals actors.
Tip #3 Brew up some coffee coffee coffee
In addition to all the food consumption, these gals drink coffee like they breathe in air. It’s their oxygen. It’s lit’rally one of the first things Lorelai says/begs for in the pilot. Points if you get Luke’s coffee with a touch of nutmeg.
Tip #4: Be ready to pick a favorite boyfriend of Rory’s
For those who have never seen GG: yes, that’s the brother from Supernatural. Yes, that’s the dude from Heroes. Yes, that’s the lawyer from The Good Wife. Now that that’s over, Rory’s love life goes through three main boyfriends from her time in high school to the end of college. Dean (Jared Padalecki) was the first love, Jess (Milo Ventimiglia) was the bad boy boyfriend, and Logan (Matt Czuchry) was the one she didn’t see coming. All three have their own pros and cons, but for me, the one who always wins out in the end is Jess. Not just because he and Alexis Bledel dated IRL, either. Because they were *meant 2 be*. And once you’re done with the series, read this super hilarious – and accurate – roundtable discussion of Rory’s BFs.
Tip #5: Same goes for Lorelai
Listen, you’ll see throughout the course of the show that Lor has more boyfriends than local diner owner Luke and baby daddy Christopher. If you’ve watched it and for some reason pick neither (or even worse pick Jason) as your fave, your points are invalid. For Lorelai, she was always torn between who she should be with and who she wanted to be with, and really, there’s no wrong answer here. Except there is a wrong answer. Read on…
Tip #6: Pick a ship and sail with it
Sam and Diane. Rachel and Ross. Jim and Pam. Luke and Lorelai. As far as TV couples go, Luke and Lorelai are probably my favorite of all time. They’re one of the most epic ‘will they or won’t they’ couples in TV history and *spoiler alert* waiting nearly five seasons for them to get together is totally worth it. From the beginning, you could tell the man who provided the crazed woman with a constant coffee IV drip had been pining for her, and she loved him without even knowing it. Their subtle glances to each other, their inability to admit jealousy of significant others, the way they cared for each other as if they had been in a relationship all along – is what makes them the ultimate ship of all ships on this show.
Tip #7: Keep an eye out for guest stars
If you can believe it, Gilmore Girls started in the year 2000. That’s 14 years ago. Approximately the age of a current high school freshman. That means that during the show’s seven season run, a lot of actors who had cameo roles have since become much bigger stars. Take for example, the man above. You may recognize his mustache as seen on Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation, but on GG, he plays Beau Belville, a creepy relative of Jackson. Everyone from Jon Hamm to Seth MacFarlane to the guy who played Duncan Kane on Veronica Mars all show up to Stars Hollow at some point.
Tip #8: Paris Geller takes some getting used to
In the beginning, Rory’s classmate is a snobby, malicious, Heather-type bitch. It’s easy to hate on her. But trust, she will become one of your favorite characters on the show as the series goes on.
Tip #9: Soak in the magic that is Melissa McCarthy
Long before Melissa McCarthy was “Oscar nominee/Emmy winner Melissa McCarthy”, she was the lovable, bumbling Sookie St. James, BFOTB (Best Friend of the Bride). Any GG fan can tell you that Melissa was a standout on the show. Her comedic skills were beyond and I’m so happy that she finally gets to showcase it in all its glory.
Tip #10: You can visit Stars Hollow
Yes, that’s right folks. You can actually visit the fictional town that is Stars Hollow, Connecticut. Well, okay, kind of. Two options: 1 go on a Warner Brothers tour in sunny Burbank, California, just minutes from my humble abode (Come over after, I’ll provide coffee). It depends on whether the area is being used for filming or not, but you’ll get to see the town square on said tour! Since it’s been seven years since the show ended, WB has gotten rid of the Luke’s and Doose’s signs, but the facades still stand (and are used for shows like Pretty Little Liars and Hart of Dixie). You’ll be able to see Miss Patty’s, Stars Hollow High, the church with the bells, and maybe even the gazebo! I will say that I’ve been on the WB tour THRICE and it wasn’t until the final time that I got to see the town square. Probs because I begged our tour guide and we were essentially the only Americans people paying attention.
If you want a tour of the real Stars Hollow, the closest you can get is Washington Depot, Connecticut, where GG creator Amy Sherman-Palladino stayed and was inspired to write the show. A complete guide can be find here, and also gives details on surrounding towns that have that SH feel.
Tip #11: Question Michel’s sexuality
He’s the unfriendly concierge for the Independence Inn/Dragonfly and he never uses pronouns when it comes to significant others. He is always dressed impeccably, watches his weight to a fault, and loves Destiny’s Child and Celine Dion. You decide.
Tip #12: The fast-talking doesn’t slow down
There’s nothing wrong with your TV, those girls talk fast. Most hour-long ‘dramas’ have scripts that, on average, are 40 to 50 pages long, but the fast-paced dialogue that GG is known for would spawn across 75 to 80 pages!
Tip #13: Celebrate June 3rd
**If you haven’t seen the show and don’t want to be spoiled, don’t watch that video! But I’m about to talk about some stuff that happens, so skip ahead if you don’t want to know!
June 3rd was supposed to be the date of Luke and Lorelai’s wedding until April and subsequently Lorelai herself screwed it all up. June 3rd is also the date Rory had a date in court, and my friends and I have unofficially deemed June 3rd Gilmore Girls day. It usually includes good food, coffee coffee coffee and maybe an episode or two. Luckily, you have plenty of time to watch the entire series (a few times, probs) before the next GG holiday.
Tip #14: Don’t worry if you don’t get all the pop culture references
The witty banter and references made in the show are sometimes thrown in there that you miss most of them. I love that I can watch the show to this day and still find a ref I missed before. In the DVDs (IDK if they still do this now), each box set used to come with a lexicon guide to help you understand what the characters were talking about. Even the cast admitted they didn’t get all of the references – apparently Alexis had to ask Lauren who The Waltons were at some point…
Tip #15: The finale wasn’t a real finale
When you reach the very last episode of the series, you’ll be left with a feeling of unfinished business. Like it was fine, but you also want more. This is mainly because the finale wasn’t actually meant to be a series finale. When the WB turned into the CW during the show’s last season, a lot of things got fucked up, including the fact that Amy Sherman-Palladino left at the end of season 6, which is also the reason why season 7 was kind of weird in general. Anyways, when they shot the season 7 finale, they weren’t sure if they were going to get picked up or not, so they wrote the season finale as if it could be a series finale, but also left room for the possibility of going somewhere in season 8. Because of this, fans have been clamoring for more, which is why you hear about those movie rumors from time to time. BTW, those are rumors, nothing’s happening with that. However, AS-P has said in the past that she had planned the final line of the entire series since the beginning, but because she left, we never got to find out what that was. So here’s hoping she’ll maybe spill the beans or there will be a random 2 hour TV movie that will satisfied GG fans around the world.
Alright kids, I think that’s enough to get you ready to binge watch one of the best shows ever. Hopefully it will live up to all the hype. And now that Dawson’s Creek is off Instant (RIP), this should probably be your go to show moving forward. Copper Boom!
25 years ago Hillary Foxman wrote Cradle and All: A Mother’s Guide to Enlightened Parenting. But in the present day, she and her four children have gone from the cradle to the grave, offering us – by way of example – a modern guide for how to sit shiva. Or how definitely not to sit shiva, anyway. In celebration of today’s theatrical release of This Is Where I Leave You* based on the book by Jonathan Tropper, we offer the family how-to guide that the Foxmans didn’t publish:
The Foxman Guide To Sitting Shiva
* Minor spoilers ahead! If you haven’t read the book or seen the movie – but plan to – and don’t want to know anything that happens, stop right here! Read the book, catch the movie, then come back.
Do: Turn down offers to date rando people your mom’s friends want to set you up with
If you’re one of the mourners who’s had a death in the family, you have the upperhand in every conversation. If you don’t feel like talking to people – not because you’re sad, but because you are tired of talking – you can just blame it on the fact that you’re too “depressed” to engage in conversation. So if your mom’s friends know you recently separated from your wife because she cheated on you with your boss, feel free to turn those sly dating offers down.
Millie Rosen brings her daughter, Rochelle, who is 27, unmarried, and pretty in a forgettable way. She positions her right in front of me and makes painfully obvious attempts at engaging us in conversation. What pretty much every person in Elmsbrook except Millie knows is that I am not Rochelle’s type, being that I don’t have breasts and a vagina.
Do not: Bring your cougar girlfriend home for the first time for your father’s shiva unannounced
Phillip, the youngest of the Foxman kids, surprises his family by telling them his much old girlfriend, Tracy, is coming for the week. Actually, no. He didn’t even tell them, it was more of a guerrilla attack.
He flips the phone closed and looks at all of meaningfully. “She’s here,” he says, like we’ve all been waiting. Like we have any idea what he’s talking about.
Tracy is not only much older and wiser, but she’s actually her therapist (that’s how they met, naturally). Meeting a significant other’s family can be intimidating enough, but even more so when it’s a full on family gathering, and it’s because of a death in said family, and also if everyone in that family is insane.
Do: Help your mom if an older widower is hitting on her
Mr. Applebaum knows what it’s like. He lost Adele a few years ago, and if he can be of any comfort to Hillary, he will be. But when he’s ogling at her breasts for just a litttle too long, maybe it’s time to step in. She did just lose her husband, after all.
Do not: Smoke pot in a temple
Or smoke pot in a temple-adjacent Hebrew school. Probably the best idea is to not smoke weed anywhere near places of worship or where kids go to learn the next day. Even if you found a joint in your dead dad’s suit.
Do: Borrow clothing
If you’re a little stressed about remembering everything you need to survive an entire week stuck in a house, remember that someone probably has whatever it is you need, like a suit for the first time you’ll step foot in a temple since your youngest sibling or cousin’s mitzvah. Besides, sometimes there’s fun stuff in the pocket (see above).
Do not: “Borrow” anything without asking
Because that’s stealing. Whether it’s your sibling’s money, DNA for a child you’re trying to have (don’t ask), or your estranged spouse’s half of the bank account, you don’t need to add theft to the list of your family’s woes.
Do: Use shiva visiting time to get the dirt on people you grew up with
If there’s anything good about sitting shiva, it’s that you get to see friends and family (that you like) that you haven’t seen in forever. Plus you can get information on them you previously weren’t able to glean on Facebook. Like the good old days.
Do not: Call a childhood friend by their embarrassing nickname as an adult. Especially if they’re a rabbi.
Kids have embarrassing nicknames that aren’t particularly ones they choose. And if you’re seeing someone for the first time in a long time, it’s an honest mistake if you accidentally call them by their nickname. But just think twice before calling your childhood friend Boner, while he’s officiating his burial.
Do: Prepare for your place in the sleeping arrangements hierarchy
Are you married with kids? You get your own room! Coupled, no children? Well, you probably get a bed, at least. Single, even if it’s because your wife was having an affair with your boss? Buck up, you’re sleeping in a basement, probably on the floor or something.
Do not: Ferberize your child the week they’ll be living with a house full of people
When you let your child “cry it out” at night, the entire household ends up crying it out as well. Save the sleep-training for your own house.
Do: Expect a lot of food
Shiva means seven in Hebrew, which is why the family sits together in their house for seven days following the death of a loved one. Friends and family come by, and apparently in Jewish culture, they come bearing food. Lots of it. Like, you won’t have to make any meals for the next two weeks. Bless.
Do not: Fake a suicide to get your significant other to stay
Standing on a roof threatening to jump if your boyfriend/girlfriend breaks up with you and leaves town is not safe (why should I even have to say that). But this scene happens in the book, and this is all I could think about:
Do: Expect the unexpected
If you’re trapped in a house for a whole week, there’s no telling what you’ll uncover. You don’t need to full on Harriet The Spy it, but if you keep your eyes and ears open you may figure out stuff about, say, your mom’s neighbor lady friend that you never would have guessed.
Do not: Expect any of your secrets to remain hidden over the course of seven days
The flip side of that: whether you’re expecting a child, trying to expect a child, married to a skuzzy workaholic, or in a weird relationship with an out of your league older lady, as soon as the first person figures it out everyone else will follow.
Do: Reconnect with old friends
There’s a good chance shiva (aka adult grounding) will bring you back to your old high-school stomping grounds, so use that time wisely and track down all those Penny Moore, one-that-got-away types.
Do not: Reconnect with old friends that way if you’re still married
Even if you’re married to the worst person ever … just don’t.
Do not: Have sex with a house full of mourners
I think people have a tendency to think that walls = silence. Not all walls are soundproof, and if there are other people in the house, they can usually hear whatever you’re doing. That being said, it’s probably not the best idea to have sex (especially if you’re going to be loud) while shiva is still going on. Even if you’re trying to have a baby and timing while ovulating is key.
Do: Have a prepared speech on your life
I assume after just one day, shiva can get tedious and repetitive, so it’s best to not embarrass yourself and just have a prepared monologue when someone comes up to you and asks what you’re doing with your life. It’s like a high school reunion, but for sad family and friends.
We perform our sad little shiva smiles on cue and repeat the same inane conversations over and over again. He just slipped away, Mom says. Three kids now, Wendy says. I’m a photojournalist. I just got back from a year in Iraq, embedded with a marine unit, Phillip says. We’re separated, I say.
Today’s #ThrowbackThursday is dedicated to all those teens who spent their summer vacation running a (semi) legal summer camp operation in their backyard. Oh that was just the gals from The Baby-Sitters Club? Oh okay, cool. As part of our Camp Cookies + Sangria series, we took a look back at one of our favorite movies from our childhood. But that got me thinking, where are these teens now? Have they completely left the business we call ‘show’ or are they randomly popping up in the latest season of Mad Men? Say hello to your (old) friends…
Kristy Thomas played by Schuyler Fisk
Here’s a fun fact I always forget about Schuyler – her mother is Sissy Spacek. Yeah, her mom was Carrie. Anyways, after BSC, she appeared in 2002’s Orange County with Colin Hanks and Jack Black, and that might actually be what you know her from if you’re not of the BSC ilk. She also appeared in movies like Snow Day and I’m Reed Fish and was in episodes of Law & Order: SVU and One Tree Hill. But Schuyler has also made a name for herself as a singer/songwriter, and a lot of her music has been used in soundtracks. She did a duet with Zach Braff fave Joshua Radin, and their duet Paperweight was used on The Last Kiss and Dear John – basically you’ve heard her sing before without even knowing it. She married artist Chapman Bullock in 2012.
Stacey McGill played by Bre Blair
BSC was Bre’s first big break, and she’s been active ever since. She’s done a few films, including last year’s The Hangover for old people (Last Vegas), but has mainly stayed busy with one-off eps on TV. From Charmed to CSI to The OC to Grey’s Anatomy, and even HAPPY FREAKING ENDINGS (S1E13, the girl Dave had sex with). Also, she’s Canadian. I mean, she’s always been Canadian, that hasn’t changed.
Dawn Schafer played by Larisa Oleynik
Larisa is one of the few actors in this movie that had some ‘clout’ going in, as I’m sure many of you still refer to her as Alex Mack. She filmed BSC while Alex Mack was on hiatus, and became one of America’s favorite kid actors. Right after Alex Mack, she starred in 10 Things I Hate About You, and why don’t I remember the rumor she and co-star Joseph Gordon-Levitt dated?! She also appeared as his GF on 3rd Rock From the Sun for a bunch of episodes, so maybe that’s where love bloomed? Larisa’s kept a steady acting career, both in movies (100 Girls) and a bunch of TV eps (Malcolm in the Middle, Psych, Mike & Molly). She also did a sneak attack and became Ken Cosgrove (Accounts)’s wife on Mad Man and was dumb bitch Maggie (Ezra’s ex-girlfriend with the son) on Pretty Little Liars. Larisa also had time to attend college at Sarah Lawrence and graduated with a Bachelor of Arts degree in 2004. She also starred in a movie called Orenthal: The Musical, about OJ Simpson/Othello? Oh, she recently rewatched the pilot of Dawson’s Creek, which means we should probably be friends.
Mary Anne Spier played by Rachael Leigh Cook
Believe it or not, but BSC was Rachael’s acting debut. Of course she went on to become a 90s teen staple, having starred in She’s All That, Tom and Huck, and Josie and the Pussycats. Speaking of Dawson’s Creek, she was on a season 2 ep playing doppleganger Joey Potter. Among her many TV and film roles is a bunch of voiceover work, including Robot Chicken and video games like Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy. She currently stars in Perception, which is basically where 90s stars go to hang out (Eric McCormack, The OC’s Kelly Rowan, Scott Wolf and LeVar Burton). Rachael married The Vampire Diaries actor Daniel Gillies in 2004, and have an almost 1-year-old daughter, Charlotte.
Claudia Kishi played by Tricia Joe
Unlike her fellow BSC members, Tricia left her teen acting career behind and opted to live a life among us mere mortals. She went to Fullerton College in California and graduated with a degree in dance, then went on to become an overachiever with a degree in criminal justice from California State University in Long Beach. If she was still an actress, she would be able to pitch some kind of dancing cop show. From her limited pictures I can access on Facebook, she’s dating some dude with a really big arm tattoo and enjoys driving around in her jeep.
Mallory Pike played by Stacy Linn Ramsower
By the time Stacy did BSC, she had already been in a bunch of episodes of Hey Dude, Tank Girl with Lori Petty and acted in the same movie as Leo in The Quick and the Dead. However her career in the biz ended in 1996 , and now she’s a yoga instructor in Houston.
Jessi Ramsey played by Zelda Harris
Zelda’s acting career was mostly in her earlier years, and after BSC, she was in eps of Law & Order and I’ll Fly Away, and also had a role in Spike Lee’s Crooklyn. She went on an acting hiatus and graduated from Princeton in 2007, and broke her rib in 2012. According to her management company, she recently returned to acting, but has yet to add new credits to her resume.
Logan Bruno played by Austin O’Brien
Pre-BSC, Austin was the kid in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Last Action Hero, the second-coming of Macaulay Culkin in My Girl 2 and a whiz kid in Apollo 13. After BSC, he’s intermittently been in the acting game, with cameos in Touched by an Angel, Bones and a number of rando movies. He attended Azusa Pacific University studying music, and married a woman he met in college named Kristin Wurgler in 2006 and they have a super adorable son named Declan. He now runs his own photography business and is one of the top photographers in LA (he’s really good).
Alan Gray played by Aaron Michael Metchik
I was one of those kids who found Alan Gray kind of endearing and not a nerdy annoying kid, maybe because I have a thing for nerds. Whatever. Anyways, after BSC, he starred in a few TV shows like Boy Meets World, Party of Five and The Practice. But he stopped acting for about 10 years until he got back in the game in 2009, then stopped again in 2012. However, that doesn’t mean he stopped acting all together. He got a BA from the UCLA Film School and started his own acting studio in Pismo Beach, California. Most notably, and maybe why I knew I liked him all this time – he’s basically responsible for Zac Efron’s movie career. Aaron’s mom connected Zef to a major talent agent, and Aaron has been his personal acting teacher ever since. I mean he was even featured on Zef’s E! True Hollywood Story as his long time private acting coach!! ALAN GRAY!!
Margarite ‘Cokie’ Mason played by Marla Sokoloff
Marla was another one of those 90s kid actors that you’ve seen everywhere. Full House, Step by Step, Home Improvement, 7th Heaven, you name it. She went on to star in The Practice and was Joey’s sister Dina who sought pregnancy help from Rachel. Marla’s been a steady actress pretty much since BSC, and currently stars in ABC Family’s The Fosters. She’s married to a musician named Alec Puro and they have a two-year-old daughter named Elliotte. Yes, a daughter. Apparently last year, James Franco revealed he dated Marla for four years and they even made a sex tape together…? Childhood ruined?
If you’re wondering what happened to Luca (Christian Oliver), we caught up with him during Saved by the Bell week, since he was an integral part to Saved by the Bell: The New Class.
Today is one of our favorite days of the entire year, and I know what you’re thinking – yet another post dedicated to National Stepfamily Day. Well we’re here to shake things up a bit because today we get to celebrate the birthday of, essentially, the patron saint of this blog, Amy Meredith Poehler.
Amy is everything we could ever want in a person with high celebrity status – gorgeous, hilarious, charming, talented, philanthropic, and an inspiration to us all.
So in honor of the most beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful musk ox on the day of her birth, we’ve compiled a collection of songs by Poehler or remind us of her infectiously bright aura. And we’re going to do it up just like Smart Girls at the Party videos end – with a dance party!
PS: Shoutout to Eileen and William Poehler for bringing this ray of sunshine into the world.
It’s hard to believe that Amy could gestate a healthy human child while nursing such sick rhymes. However, everybody knows that exceptionally pregnant women make the best rappers. From M.I.A. at the 2009 Grammys, to Amy right here, when a lady is super-pregnant it seems like anything could fly out of her at any time — be it a baby or an iconic rap performance.
Shake It Off – Taylor Swift
Who, us throw shade? Nah. T.Swizzle may have had a hard time understanding that Amy and Tina Fey made jokes about her … during an awards show when they were being paid to make jokes about people … but you know what? I bet she’s shaken off all those hard feelings by now. I like to think that there are special places in hell for both of them.
Back To School: A freestyle rap battle from Comedy Bang Bang, featuring Amy Poehler, Adam Pally, and Scott Aukerman
It’s no mistake that we’re both including Amy Poehler’s signature freestyle raps on the list. I first heard this ditty on a Comedy Bang Bang podcast when I was out runningjogging walking in workout clothes, and I swear I replayed it three times – which was hard, because I was exercising so hard also eating a soft pretzel.
Five Foot Two Eyes Of Blue – Guy Lombardo & Kenny Gardner
Did you know that seeing a smiley face on paper makes you happier? It’s true! That’s why waiters leave smiley faces at the end of the bill sometimes – so you cheer up and pay up. Did you know that dancing around like you’re from the 1920s with fake Charleston moves is also proven to make you happier? Okay, proven by me. But still, if you make every dance party a Gatsby dance party, you’ll feel downright sunny.
If you’re 5’2 and have blue eyes, chances are at some point a very old person has sang the “Five Foot Two Eyes Of Blue” song at you. If somehow Amy Poehler has survived 43 years without that happening, we’re here to change that. Other than that part the song doesn’t really apply to her, as it is a missing persons report for a flapper. That’s how they had to find missing ladies before Nancy Grace.
Protect Ya Neck – Wu Tang Clan
Did you know that RZA from the Wu-Tang Clan almost snagged the role of Leslie Knope? Although it didn’t exactly pan out that way, ?uestlove does have a point: Parks and Recreation is the Wu-Tang Clan of the sitcom world, which I’m pretty sure makes Amy Poehler the RZA of her show. Or ODB, maybe. This particular song isn’t necessarily Poehler-specific, but if we’re talking about Wu we have to include the best song from their best album. Maybe don’t listen if you’re sensitive about swearing, violence, or name-dropping the 90s mall brand Aeropostale. It was a different time.
Traci’s Picks
BUTTER: A freestyle rap battle from Comedy Bang Bang , featuring Amy Poehler, Alan Thicke (Paul F. Tompkins), Scott Aukerman, and Neil Campbell
If you don’t listen to Comedy Bang Bang, you should probably start. Host Scott Auckerman invites comedians to his studio and crazyness ensues. It’s really hard to describe, because lit’rally anything and everything happens and there’s no way to anticipate what’s going to come out of the guests’ mouths. But sometimes, there are recurring bits, including these freestyle rap battles. And I mean, where else would you hear Amy Poehler rapping about butter? Yes, butter. Amy Poehler rapping is everything I love about her, and why she is my spirit animal. She seems like a charming gal on the outside, but there’s a side to her that is a hardcore rapper wanting to come out.
Poker Face – Lady Gaga
In the Pawnee Zoo episode of Parks and Recreation, Leslie accidentally marries two gay penguins, and while she is condemned by a lot of the regular Pawnee citizens, she becomes a hero amongst the gays. And when she goes into the gay club, The Bulge, she’s feted like a regular Madonna/Cher/Beyonce and gets wasted and sings Poker Face at the DJ booth. American treasure.
Santa’s My Boyfriend – SNL
There was like a short two and a half season run on SNL where Amy, Maya and Kristen were all on SNL at the same time and it was pure magic. This is one of my favorite Christmas/Poehler SNL sketches and I may or may not randomly listen to it throughout the year.
We’re Not Gonna Take It – Late Night with Jimmy Fallon vs. Parks and Recreation
Sometime during the first(ish) season of Late Night and Parks, Jimbo invited his pal Poehlstar and her fellow co-stars to do one of the earliest digital video parodies, this time for Glee. The two groups were fighting over “sectionals” and an epic sing/dance off ensues. Also, Amy’s sporting a cute baby bump accessory in this vid and doesn’t even act like she’s preggo.
Ah, another Fashion Week in the Big Apple comes to an end, and if you listen closely, you’ll be able to hear the chewing sounds of models eating solid food for the first time after juicing for the past week. All the biggest designers brought their A-game to the runways (or in Opening Ceremony’s case, the Met), showing fashionistas what’s hot for Spring 2015. And according to what I’ve been seeing, what’s hot for Spring 2015 is Kendall Jenner.
And of course, NYFW was bursting with celebrities and socialites and important fashion Anna Wintour-type folks in the front row of every runway show. Designers need these people in the front row not only to draw attention to their showcase but in most cases, show off their on designs on household(ish) names. But what happens when some of those designs are total duds? It happens folks. And the irony is not lost. While a lot of front row-ers looked absolutely fab, here are some of my picks for the most questionable looks at this year’s NY Fashion Week:
Rihanna at Alexander Wang
Are bucket hats back in? Are these poncho/rain slickers back in too? Are we secretly looking at the first image of RiRi in a Missy Elliott video? WHAT YEAR IS IT, PEOPLE??
Ciara at Polo Ralph Lauren
But Ciara doesn’t actually have her name embroidered on the back of her shirt, does she? Like she thinks she’s been out of the game that long? Maybe if she puts her Members Only jacket back on it will be better. No. Probs not.
Elizabeth Berkley at Polo Ralph Lauren
Fun fact: Elizabeth’s husband is Ralph Lauren’s nephew, which is why it’s not that weird she’s at his show. What IS weird is that she looks like a Circus ringmaster for the Army surplus store.
Rosario Dawson at Opening Ceremony
Is it because I’m 90 years old or are these leotard + sheer skirt things becoming more and more popular? I just cannot get on this bandwagon.
Rihanna at Altuzarra
Yeah… putting a fringe jacket over said leotard doesn’t make it any better. Like what exactly is Ri wearing under that??
Coco Rocha at Christian Siriano
Look, I’m all for a nice tailored suit for a hot androgynous look for girls, but it’s difficult for me to support this bright sparkly Christmas red outfit.
Rihanna at Adam Selman
RI RI. You look like a baby dressing up in your mom’s clothes. (Am I being too harsh? I’m just confused, is all)
Hannah Simone at Monique Lhuillier
Hannah Simone, CeCe of New Girl, is a beautiful, gorgeous gal. Which is why I was torn putting this on here. But this strapless jumpsuit is too embellished for my liking. If I were wearing it I’d be so scared I’d catch a bead on a table corner or something then everything would fall to bits. This is why I don’t own expensive clothes. That and the money thing.
Zoe Kazan and Morgan Saylor at Rachel Comey
I’m looking at you Zoe Kazan. Her dress reminds me of 4th grade math where we had to use graph paper all the time. Was that 4th grade? Idk, but Zoe probs got her shoes from when I was in 4th grade too. (Shout out to Morgan Saylor who I still can’t believe is annoying Dana from Homeland)
Jessica Lowndes at Houghton
I’m still not really sure who Jessica Lowndes is. She’s one of those people I look up on iMDb and immediate forget where she’s from or what she does. Anyways, her pants are too big.
Bella Thorne at Jeremy Scott
In Bella’s defense, Jeremy Scott is known for his colorful, out of this world, downright weird clothing and designs, so this shouldn’t be a surprise. But… come onnnn.
Miley Cyrus at Jeremy Scott
That’s Jeremy Scott with some girl he picked up at the local marijuana dispensary hot gluing fuzzy bears to headbands.
You may know him as that blonde boy bander, you may know him as Paris Hilton’s ex-boyfriend, hell, you may even know him as Aaron Carter’s older brother. But to me, he’s Nick Carter of my beloved Backstreet Boys (new readers, I am a BSB fan, get over it). And tonight, he becomes a reality TV star.
Nick, the youngest of the BSB-ers and the last one to get married, is front and center of a show called I Heart Nick Carter, in which he and his then-fiancee Lauren Kitt let cameras into their world as they prepare to get married. As far as reality TV shows go, I have a pretty high tolerance for them. I used to exclusively write about reality TV for a living for about a year and a half, and trust, there are some pretty horrible shows out there. But then there are actual good ones that you can’t stop watching, even though you know most of it is set up or edited perfectly (Wahlburgers, The entire Bachelor franchise).
After watching the first episode of I Heart Nick Carter, I’d say this show is somewhere in the middle, but closer to the quality of the Wahlbergers than say, that of Joe Millionaire (was that ref too old?) or I Wanna Marry Harry. That being said, I think if you’ve ever been a fan of the Backstreet Boys at some point in your life, you should watch this show. If you are a product of the 90s, you’ll understand that celebrity was much different in the “TRL Era” than it is now. Kids these days can easily following their favorite Directioner or Bieber on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, YouTube, etc., and see behind-the-scenes photos and personal videos or send a quick message to them in hopes of a reply. Before the internet and social media, seeing our favorite band in concert was the closest we’d ever get to them and if there was a MTV: True Life or Making the Video, it was a friggin jackpot.
While celebrities having their own reality series seems cliche these days, for 90s kids like me, it’s surreal that we get an inside look into Nick Carter’s life. Like you’re telling me we get to see his HOUSE and it’s not just on CRIBS?? This is next level shit, y’all. And, I can say that even as a fan, I learned a thing or two from the show, so maybe you will too. Here are some things to look out for on the premiere tonight:
There Are Fans Who Actually Hate Nick Carter’s Fiancee
Even as a tween/teen, I was never the kind of girl who would be so mad to the point of pure hatred if one of the BSB boys had a girlfriend. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I was more of a sensible young adult, but I thought it was cute when they found love. Also, I’m not delusional. Apparently, there are still fans who have so much hatred towards Lauren Kitt (as seen in the photo that’s floating in a toilet from the Twitter account ‘F**k you Lauren Kitt/DumpLK’). Granted the accounts I found against Lauren haven’t been touched in like 3 years, but still. Lauren says in the pilot that “girls yell obscenities at me”, and I just am embarrassed if these girls who hate Lauren are over the age of 18. Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Lauren is an Independent Woman (Part I)
Lauren left home at 18 to live in Japan. Japan! AND she speaks fluent Japanese! And then she moved to Paris!! Seriously, she’s living my dream life.
Don’t Try Beating Lauren at Wrestling
There’s a scene in the first episode where Lauren pushes Nick to set an actual date for the wedding, and threatens him by playfully wrestling with him on their bed. And she isn’t kidding Around. Oh PS she’s a bodybuilder. As in she’s competed in competitions including the World Bodybuilding and Fitness Federation competition, whatever that is. Also, she was almost a WWE Diva. So I mean, those Twitter trolls probs shouldn’t mess with her.
Lauren’s BFF is A Girl Who Got Screwed Over by a Boy Bander…?
Lauren has a heart to heart with her best friend named Natalia, who, as Lauren says, she met when their boyfriends were on tour together years ago, and they became BFFs. But Natalia’s unnamed boyfriend broke up with her after five years and it ended horribly. He even took all the money out of their joint account, and that’s exactly what Lauren is afraid will happen to her. After some research, it seems as if Natalia is the ex-girlfriend of newly married (always shirtless) New Kids on the Block bad boy Donnie Wahlberg. He obvs kept it on the low for five years, but yikes!
Nick’s Scared He Will Lose Fans If He Gets Married
Alright this seems like one of those fake storylines that reality show writers set up to create more drama. I mean at Nick’s book signing (yes, he wrote a book) in Los Angeles, there are “fans” who tell him they don’t want him to get married. One of them even says, “Maybe I’ll move on to the One Direction guys”, to which Nick responded, “I’ve had nightmares about this moment.” Let’s be real – I feel like half these “fans” aren’t real. I have never seen these people in my life. And I’ve been around the LA BSB circuit (gross). Nick defends his theory since their first manager (probs stupid ass/jailbird Lou Peralman) told the boys they weren’t allowed to have girlfriends in public because it will ruin their careers and won’t sell any records. Keep in mind Nick was 12 when he joined BSB, so really, his career is the only thing he’s ever known. Luckily, good old Sweet Howie D hits Nick with the real shit and basically tells him to get his act together and marry Lauren, or else she should be the one to leave him.
Nick’s Management Team is Really Involved With His Life
Lauren and Nick tell his management team, which consists of a publicist, agent, and two managers, that they want to get married on March 1st. The team basically shuts it down (unconvincingly as actors, I must admit), and they all agree to move the big day to April 12th, which is probably the date Nick & Lauren picked out in the first place. The interesting thing here is that the team is talking about planning their wedding. Excuse, why is the business management team planning Nick and Lauren’s wedding?
Catch I Heart Nick Carter Wednesdays at 10pm on VH1
Listen. I think we’re all on the same page when I say while Saved by the Bell is one of the most beloved TV shows of kids who grew up in the 90s, it’s not the best in terms of, say, storytelling or acting. It’s a show for teens and tweens, and in cases like myself, children under the age of 10. But because it was geared towards a younger crowd, they could get away with more ridiculous storylines, something that they wouldn’t have been able to get away with on “adult” programming.
That being said, we’re back with another installment of our Doing Lines series (you can catch the other ones here), and this time we’re heading to the Pacific Palisades and seeing what kind of trouble the kids got into during their five-year stint in high school.
Season 1
Episode 3 {The Gift}
Fun fact: the image on the TV is an exterior shot of John F. Kennedy Junior High School from Good Morning, Miss Bliss!!
Screech gets struck by lighting and suddenly has a superpower where he knows what will happen before it happens. Also, he acquires an afro.
Episode 5 {Screech’s Woman}
Zack decides to help Screech get a girlfriend but no one is willing to go out with him, so Zack dresses up as a girl named Babmi and goes on a date with Screech, but he starts to like Bambi frreal.
Episode 8 {Cream for a Day}
Screech accidentally invents a zit cream in chemistry class, which gets rid of pimples overnight. Kelly wins homecoming queen but uses the cream the night before – too bad the cream makes everyone’s face maroon.
Episode 11 {The Friendship Business}
Zack leads the gang in a project for business class, in which they have to create and market a product. They choose an item called Buddy Bands, but when their company becomes successful, the power gets to Zack’s head and Kelly, Jessie and Slater decide to make their own friendship-related item, Love Cuffs. Also, this timeless commercial.
Episode 12 {The Mamas and the Papas}
The gang participate in a project to simulate a domestic marriage, and everyone gets paired up. Jessie and Slater, Zack and Kelly (foreshadowing!!!) and Lisa and Screech. I think the most importnant thing to remember from this episode is that Lisa ALL OF A SUDDEN is allergic to Screech. Because she keeps sneezing and scratching everytime she’s close to him, Mr. Belding separates them and Screech becomes Zack and Kelly’s son, while Lisa goes over to the Slater/Spano family. Lisa’s allergy was never spoken of again.
Episode 14 {The Zack Tapes}
Zack learns about subliminal messaging and attempts to trick Kelly into going to the dance with him with a sneaky cassette tape. She finds out and decides to turn the tables on him. Ah the troubles of being a teen heartthrob.
Season 2
Episode 7 {Rent-a-Pop}
Mr. Belding wants to set up a meeting with Zack and his dad because Zack’s been failing his classes. Zack doesn’t want his father to find out, so “rents” an actor to be his dad, because, Los Angeles.
Episode 8 {Miss Bayside}
After watching The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell story, we learned that the writers asked the cast what their talents or hobbies were, and incoporated their answers to the scripts. TAT used to be a beauty queen, which explains the Miss Bayside pageant, but can/do real schools actually do this?
Episode 9 {Jessie’s Song}
It’s the infamous ‘I’m so excited’ episode. And honestly, my problem isn’t with Jessie’s ridiculous addiction to caffeine pills, it’s that a trio of teens from the Pacific Palisades, and called Hot Sundae, easily got the attention of music executives. They were on the fast track to stardom until Jessie’s freakout!
Episode 10 {Model Students}
A photographer comes to Bayside and “discovers” Kelly after Zack and Screech secretly take pix of the girls in swimsuits and make a “Girls of Bayside calendar”. The photographer gives Kelly the opportunity to go to Paris to be a model. Zack isn’t okay with this. Is this photographer somehow in cahoots with the music execs who wanted to sign Hot Sundae?
Episode 12 {Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind}
This is truly one of the more ridiculous storylines to ever come to Bayside. A tabloid is offering money for photos of real aliens so Zack and Slater dress Screech up as an alien and film him being creepy at the school to fool the tabloid. Except a special agent with the government is convinced Screech is a real alien.
Episode 13 {Running Zack}
Zack finds out he’s part Native American and to learn more about his roots, befriends a man named Chief Henry who has a great impact on Zack. Meanwhile, Jessie finds out her ancestors used to be slave owners and spends the rest of the episode ‘apologizing’ to Lisa. I’m convinced at least one scene in this episode is slightly racist.
Episode 14 {The Babysitters}
Kelly’s parents leave their baby son with Kelly who has to bring him to school (because, hello, she’s a teenager), but when she has to take school pictures, she’s forced to leave her baby brother behind with the gang. Honestly, why didn’t Mr. Belding or any of the teachers or any of the students not notice baby Billy and alert social services or something??
Episode 15 {The Fabulous Belding Boys}
Mr. Belding reluctantly lets his surfer dude brother Rod serve as a substitute teacher and immediately all the students flock to him because of his laid back nature. Rod suggests taking the kids on a white-water rafting trip, but just before they leave, Rod tells his bro that he can’t take the kids because he has a date with a girl – and Zack overhears the whole thing. Mr. Belding is left with covering for Rod but they end up having a lot more respect and appreciation for their principal at the end. Also, the title of this episode sounds super gay. Like literally gay.
Season 3
Episode 7 {Check Your Mate}
The annual chess competition between Bayside and Valley gets ugly when Valley plays dirty and steals his lucky beret. In retaliation, Zack and Slater decide to switch Valley’s best chess player, a Russian exchange student, with Zack in a wig. I guess I never realized it until now, but these kids really were into disguises. Must have kept the local wig store in business.
Episode 9 {Fake I.D.s}
Zack meets at girl at The Max named Danielle who is a student at USC, so naturally, Zack pretends to also be a college kid who’s majoring in photojournalism. He agrees to meet her at The Attic, a night club for kids 18 and over, which obviously requires fake I.D.s. While at the club, Zack, Slater and Screech spot Jeff, Kelly’s boss (aka the skeezebucket Kelly wanted to date so she promptly dumped Zack) kissing another girl. Zack tries to tell Kelly what he saw at the Attic but didn’t believe him, on account of jealousy. This episode is a reminder that the gang basically lived out things I would never have the balls to do as a teen. Fake IDs and sneaking into a club? I’d much rather stay in and watch The Baby-Sitters Club Movie on repeat.
Episode 11 {Pipe Dreams}
In one of those *the more you know* episodes, this one tackled the environment and saving it, etc. Oil is found in the school’s football field, and the kids go crazy thinking of what they’ll do with all the money. However, they soon find out that ~getting rich comes with a price~
Episode 16 {All in the Mall}
The gang fails at buying U2 concert tickets, and when they accidentally find a shoebox full of cash, shenanigans ensue. This never happened to me when I went to the mall. The only thing that went down was me trying to avoid eye contact with anyone I went to high school with.
Episode 17 {SATs}
Jessie gets a 1205 on the SATs while Zack miraculously scores a 1502, sending overachiever Jessie into a tailspin. For you kiddies that aren’t American or took the SATs after 2005, a perfect score on the SATs during this time was a 1600. So naturally, Jessie is as confused as all of us to learn of Zack’s score, especially because this is a kid who puts no effort into learning or anything relating to academia.
Episode 21 {No Hope With Dope}
Super megahot Hollywood actor Johnny Dakota chooses Bayside as the location for an anti-drug commercial but the catch is that Johnny himself uses drugs! A celebrity doing drugs?! Actually I think his drug of choice was pot UGH EVEN WORSE.
Episode 22 {Rockumentary}
This is personally one of my fave episodes, and it seemingly comes out of nowhere. Casey Kasem returns to give a Behind the Music-esque documentary about Zack Attack (the band all the gang is in, obvs), and their rise to fame from a garage band to superstar band. It was never explained how they all suddenly learned how to sing and play instruments.
Episode 24 {Home for Christmas}
Zack has a crush on a girl who works at the mall, and later finds out she and her dad are homeless. Again, this is one of those *very special* episodes that makes you think twice before you judge the girl working at a department store.
Season 4
Episode 4 {Student Teacher Week}
The students take over for the teachers – Zack becomes principal for the day. And hangs up posters of Paula Abdul and Guns n Roses next to each other.
Episode 3 {Screech’s Spaghetti Sauce}
Screech makes a spaghetti sauce he sells on TV, and Punky Brewster pretends to fall for him to get his recipe. They even come up with a fun catch phrase that I still have stuck in my head after all these years: “The sauce you can have, but the secret, she’s a mine.”
Episode 18 {The Video Yearbook}
The gang decides to make a video yearbook instead of the traditional one, and Zack’s plan to use the girls’ videos as a dating service backfires when Kelly starts receiving a bunch of calls from rando guys.
Episode 20 {Snow White and the Seven Dorks}
The gang is all in a rap version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves but when Jessie and Zack find out they have to kiss in the final scene they get all weird about it and question their feelings for each other, and subsequently fall out with Slater and Kelly in the process. And they take the drama to the stage. Get it??
Episode 21 {Earthquake!}
An earthquake hits Bayside and Zack is stuck in the elevator with Mr. Belding’s pregnant wife who goes into labor. Reminder Zack is an 18 year old Senior in high school who just delivered his principal’s son.
Episode 24 {School Song}
The school holds a contest for who can write the best school song (BTW do schools actually do this? Our high school has been using the same ‘school song’ since the 1900s and includes the words ‘rev’rie’ and ‘retrospection’). Zack is determined to win the contest so he can be remembered for something positive before he graduates, as opposed to his scheming ways. But it’s those scheming ways that brings him down in the end. Friendly reminder that I tried to convince my 8th grade music teacher that we needed to sing this song at our graduation. I lit’rally taped the song on a cassette and brought it in to school.
Cookies + Sangria 