Category Archives: Entertainment

Alternative Saturday Morning Programming of the 90s

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Last week, we talked about how Saturday morning cartoons have effectively come to an end. CW was the final network hold out, but on Saturday, September 27th, they aired the last remaining cartoon block, ending a continuous animated run that lasted over 50 years. 50 years!! You can blame live-action shows, reality programs and the fact that people’s TV habits have changed, but in its place, networks have opted to show educational series aimed at teenagers.

If you ask me, I think it’s a good idea. Not only is it a good move to try to lure teens in with informative shows as opposed to whatever they’re showing on MTV these days, but because I, for one, was never really into cartoons. Sure, I watched Rugrats. I enjoyed Doug and Recess, but I never sought out cartoons. Then again, I was the girl who was watching The Real World: London when I was 9, so I mean, that explains a lot about me in the present.

That’s not to say I never watched TV on Saturday mornings – it’s just that I opted for other shows instead. If you switched channels between TMNT and The Smurfs and TNBC, you might recognize some of the following programs I was watching while the rest of y’all were staring at the animated folk.

Saved by the Bell: The New Class

We’ve touched based on SBTB:TNC before – in fact we’ve even done the digging for you and told you where your other fave Bayside students are now – but let’s talk about the show for a sec, shall we? The show was one of two spin-off from the OG SBTB, which ended in 1993. The New Class premiered that September, at the same time as the premiere of The College Years. However, instead of being a spin-off, it was more of producers attempting to create the same magic that they had with the first cast. Each OG SBTB character had a TNC doppelgänger.  And that’s where they went wrong. Spin-offs aren’t supposed to be a re-creation of a hit show – it’s supposed to use an element from the hit show to make a new hit show. See: Frasier (Cheers), The Jeffersons (All in the Family), Angel (Buffy). Needless to say, I stayed loyal to Zack + Co. over in college. So imagine my disappointment when one year for Christmas I got the SBTB: TNC board game instead of the original cast. Ugh, come on Santa.

California Dreams

California Dreams is like the SBTB spin-off that should’ve been. Like if SBTB’s Hot Sundae took and and toured with the California Dreams, that would’ve been perfect. California Dreams was an slight alternative to SBTB, but you know, in a different part of The Golden State. The show was originally intended to be a family sitcom, focusing on the Garrison family, and the two kids, Matt & Jenny who were in a band. However the show was rebooted in season 2, and focused on the teens in said band instead, and it was a much “better” show after that. It surprisingly lasted for five seasons, and in 2010, Jimmy Fallon managed to get the band back together for a reunion on Late Night. Oh Sly.

Hang Time

Please note that all these videos are for the theme songs to the shows, because for some reason, all these songs are still trapped in my brain after all these years. Also trapped in my brain: the fact that this show took place in Deering, Indiana. While I was never much of a sports fan, I appreciated that this show featured a girl on an all-boys basketball team and still had those elements of a teen sitcom. In addition, sometimes when I hear the name Anthony Anderson, to this day, I still associate him with this show.

City Guys

C-I-T-Y YOU CAN SEE WHY. I’m telling you – these songs were pretty damn catchy. SBTB:TNC, Hang Time and City Guys were all part of the TNBC Saturday Morning lineup that is forever etched in my brain. Now that TNBC had covered its bases in California and Middle of Nowhere, America, they came full circle and had a new show set in New York City. Teaching kids that we live in a diverse world, the show centered on a white kid from a wealthy family and a black kid from a working class family and how they can be friends, and sometimes enemies, in school.

One World

Speaking of diversity, this show was the epitome of it. One World was about a couple in Miami who take in six teens of varying ages from various backgrounds and ethnicities. Basically it was The Fosters before ABC Family claimed it. For some reason the one major plot line I remember from this show is that two of the foster kids started to have a romantic relationship and it was obvs a scandal?! Is it weird that I remember that and that alone? Probs. Also Johnny Tsunami’s in it.

Beakman’s World

That’s right, nerds. If you were the type to also spend a lot of your time with Bill Nye (the science guy), you were also familiar with Beakman’s World too. But this show was much more dramatic and outlandish than Bill Nye, as everyone on the show were actors who just played out these scientific experiments. In fact, Beakman himself was played by Paul Zaloom, an actor and puppeteer who has apparently taught his craft at the college I went to. Because yet, I went to a liberal arts college where puppetry was a class. Also he used to be married to a woman and has two kids but has split from her because he’s gay. *the more you know*

Moolah Beach

Remember when Survivor was like THE hottest show on TV? Producers ran with the idea and made a kid’s version called Moolah Beach. Except instead of being kicked off the island, everyone stuck around to win $25,000. It only lasted 6 episodes – but that’s because it was reworked into a show called Endurance, that aired on NBC then switched over to the Discovery Kids network. Did anyone else watch this? Or was it just me and my friend Ryan who secretly were way into it???

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(After) Life Lessons From ‘Are You Afraid Of The Dark?’

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Like wielding a Nerf Super Soaker or running in Moon Shoes, Are You Afraid of the Dark? was an opportunity for 90s kids to show their mettle. Some of us, like me and my buddy Nikki, even used to watch it with the lights off. Without fail, one of my older brothers would ask what we were watching. “Are You Afraid Of The Dark?”, I’d answer. “I’m not, are YOU?,”” the brother would ask. I fell into that trap every time. Then things would get real Who’s On First-y, as tired a gag in 1992 as it was in 1952. The show would come on, and by the end of the half hour, we’d felt like we’d really survived something – and not just good-natured sibling ribbing.

But we weren’t just watching slightly-spooky SNICK fare, we were learning. Some books and movies teach you how to be alive (The Fault In Our Stars, anyone?), but Are You Afraid Of The Dark? taught us how to be, and be with, the undead.

If you’re ready for some ghostly fun, hyperlinks take you to the episodes in question – until they disappear! SPOOOOKY. (OK, actually I just think they’ll be pulled from YouTube at some point)

If A New Family Comes To Town, They Are Not Living People

New neighbors? Do not greet them warmly and make them feel welcome in your community. That’s the lesson I learned from this children’s show. If you have new neighbors, they are probably vampires. Mom has a new boyfriend? Best case scenario, some strange man is banging your mom now. Worst case scenario: watch out on the next full moon, because your new dad is a werewolf.

If You Are New To Town, Something Horrible Will Happen To You

Getting used to a new town, switching schools, making new friends – these are real concerns for kids who move. But in the 90s, Nickelodeon didn’t coddle kids by telling them that everything was going to be just fine and they’d feel at home in no time. That’s some Highlights For Children nonsense. No, Are You Afraid Of The Dark? confirmed every child’s fears about moving. Bad things will happen. It IS the end of the world. The house next door has the ghost of a deaf girl writing backwards on the walls. Your aunt’s jacket will turn you into a ghost. Aunt’s houses are the most haunted – there is probably also the ghost of a little boy who froze to death hanging around. Your new basement doesn’t just have weird slugs after rainstorms, it also harbors an evil creature that’s into music boxes. You may nearly burn down your new home in a fever-dream. And when you make friends with the neighborhood kids, they’ll lead you in a game of Hide And Seek where the only thing you find is an uneasy encounter with human mortality. Bet Highlights For Children didn’t teach you that one.

You SHOULD Be Worried About Starting High School. High Schools Are Full Of 1950s Ghosts

It can be scary going from being the big fish in Middle School to being the small fish being haunted by a larger ghost fish in high school. Finding a prom dress is nothing when you could easily end up finding a 1950s prom ghost instead. Or hey, maybe your school ghost is a far-out 1960s hippie who died in a chem lab explosion. Could your school ghost be a sea-beast who lives in the swimming pool? Or maybe, just maybe, the school ghost is YOU and you just don’t know you’re dead yet.

Sidenote: Our “high school ghost” was some turn-of-the-century biddy named Victoria who coincidentally only hung around the theater department — you know, the area with all the super-dramatic kids who love making up grandiose stories to impress each other? There were some spooky parts of the theater, but that’s not because of ghosts, it’s because the costume room was a long-abandoned priest’s apartment with a creepy free-standing abandoned sink still in there, up a rickety flight of stairs on stage left. I’m not saying Victoria wasn’t real, because saying ghosts aren’t real is what makes them haunt you super hard, I’m just saying that my sister was involved in theater, is eight years older than me, and never had heard of her. Also the ghost’s “backstory” was, I’m pretty sure, lifted verbatim from a Fear Street novel.

Children’s Toys Will Hurt You

So far we’ve covered how terrible things will happen to children who move, have people move near them (so basically, children who live in houses), and go to school. What’s a kid to do, sit idly and play with toys? NOPE. Only if you want to play with the supernatural as well.

Dollhouses are obviously haunted, everyone knows that, but in Are You Afraid Of The Dark? we learned that they can also imprison you in permanent doll form, like a Toddlers And Tiaras contestant without all the Mountain Dew. Pinball machines can come to life. If a toy company opens in your apartment building, the only thing they’re really selling there is doom and horror. You may as well just go to summer camp, right? Yeah, there are dead Edwardian children trapped in the woods. I’d say that kids should just read books instead, but I think we all know that books can come to life or trap you inside their very pages.

Bedraggled Children Are Creepy

It’s every kid for herself out there, so if you come across a homely, poor, or otherwise unfortunate child, IT’S A TRAP. Do NOT befriend them. I know your feelings will tell you otherwise, but feelings are just nature’s way of letting the weak get killed off by little girl ghosts. If the urchin next door has a shaggy, grown-out bowlcut, the haircut of an unloved child, obviously she was locked in a vacant house a half-century ago. The lonely kid with the bicycle is your childhood friend who you couldn’t save from drowning. And it goes for adults, too. The old lady who lives alone in a cottage isn’t a retiree whose kids live out of state, she’s a witch with a stash of shrunken monkey claws that she’s going to curse you with.

Sweet dreams, children. Everything you’ve been taught about school, friendship, and your community was a lie. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.

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Show You Should Be Watching If You Aren’t Already: The Getaway

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I feel like with all the Kadrashians and Housewives and Honey Boo Boos of the world, reality TV has gotten a negative stigma, where as soon as you label a show as such, most people are keen to brush it off. But believe it or not, there are plenty of great reality TV – ahem, unscripted docu-series – shows out there that deserved to be watched. One of them is a show called The Getaway on the Esquire network.

What It’s About

If you have the desire to feed your wanderlust, this show’s for you. Each episode features one celebrity who picks one city anywhere in the world, and they get to explore it for a few days. They take in the culture, eat the food, get to know the locals, etc. Also, the show is executive produced by Anthony Bourdain, so you know you’re getting the real deal.

Street Cred

The first season of The Getaway premiered last year, and after the first episode featuring Joel McHale, I was hooked. Other celebs who took the plunge in the first season included Rashida Jones, Aziz Ansari, Seth & Josh Meyers, Eve, and Josh Gad. Here are just a few highlights that will give you a taste of what to expect.

Shopping

Rashida’s episode in London is my favorite out of the bunch, not only because I adore her, but because London in like another home to her and when she takes us to various places around the city, it’s as if she’s our personal tour guide. And thanks to the help of special guests like Chris O’Dowd and Adam Scott, it makes for a truly hilarious episode. In the scene above, Chris takes her to a super odd shop that’s part boutique and part weird museum that you see in the don’t go here but go here section of travel guide books.

Eating

Naturally, eating is a big part of traveling a foreign city, and the same goes for The Getaway. When Seth & Josh Meyers visit their old home of Amsterdam, they are treated to a special pig cuisine – stop the vid when the waiter explains the type of meat he puts on their table. And then there’s Broadway star/Olaf Josh Gad who opts to return to New York City and go to Carnegie’s Deli where he attempts to eat a sandwich that weighs more than some newborn babies. But hey, when in Rome, right?

Drinking

Because The Getaway is on the Esquire network, there has to be some classy drinking involved. Another episode I’m partial to is Bridesmaids director Paul Feig’s visit to Boston, where he pays a visit to one of the classiest drinking joints there is in the 617. Like the bartender uses items such a blowtorches and centerfuge. Yeah, exactly.

Activities

Rashida’s Parks and Rec pal Aziz Ansari opts to go to Hong Kong. If you are a fan of his or stalk his Insta, you know he’s a giant foodie, which is part of the reason he goes there. However, he has to do something besides eat, so his tour guide Denny (the best) takes him to the pony races. Who knew it was a thing there?

Culture

The great thing about The Getaway is that they don’t just show you the local hotspots, but they delve into the local culture and language too, all from the mouths of locals. When Joel McHale goes to Dublin, he gets a lesson on food slang. Albeit he doesn’t understand at first, the actual food looked really good.

 What to Expect

For the upcoming second season, a new slew of celebs get to pick the getaway of their choosing, including Chrissy Teigen who goes to roots in Bangkok, Thailand, Jack McBrayer stands out as a white dude in Hawaii and Adam Pally stays home in the U.S. for a wild trip to Las Vegas with his pals (In fact you can watch that episode now!). So fasten your seatbelt and get ready for a trip around the world from the comfort of your own home and enjoy getting away.

Season 2 of The Getaway premieres on Wednesday, October 15th on the Esquire at 9pm 
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Playlist of the Month: Canadians We’re Thankful For

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Our neighbor to the north. Our frigid-weather friends. The land of maple and honey. Ladies and gentlemen, today is all about Canada. Or more specifically, Canadian Thanksgiving.

Like most things, Thanksgiving is a situation where Canada looked at what the U.S. had done, considered it carefully, then did it more rationally and logically. An earlier Thanksgiving means that you don’t have to travel in a snowstorm, that you can play that post-dinner football game without your fingers turning blue, and that you have an entire extra month-and-a-half between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

So today, when Canadians give thanks, we give thanks for Canadians.

Traci’s Picks

Nelly Furtado – Say It Right

Important: where is Nelly Furtado? In Canada? Am I missing something? I know she had a kid but like, that was a while ago, right? Am I just not hearing her new stuff? IS SHE JUST LIKE A BIRD AND JUST WANTED TO FLY AWAY?? Well she needs to come back and make more songs like Say It Right, because this song was my JAM  back in ’06.

soulDecision – Ooh It’s Kinda Crazy

If you’re not Canadian or a die hard TRL teenybopper like I was, you might not know who soulDecision was. The band made of boys (*not a boy band) had a – you guessed it – soul sound to their music, and it was more along that genre, despite the fact they were white dudes from Vancouver. Not gonna lie, I sometimes listen to this song and their other hit Faded, because I think they’re just that good.

Drake – Find Your Love

Ah, Aubrey. From wheelchair-bound Degrassi star to hip-hop superstar, you have done your country proud, sir. Can’t say the same for other current popular artists *cough*bieber*cough. It’s hard for people to take you seriously if they know you as the disabled kid from the most famous Canadian teen drama, so props to Drake for proving to everyone that a half-Jewish kid from Toronto can make it.

The Weeknd – Wicked Games

I had always categorized The Weeknd as an R&B singer, but according to Wikipedia, he’s a “PBR&B” artist, which is a term coined by music journalists to describe a new subgenre of R&B that uses more synth and indie beach rock sounds. Also, PBR stands for what you think it does – Pabst Blue Ribbon. Aka the beer of hipsters. Aka PBR&B is slang for hipster R&B (think Frank Ocean, Theophilus London, Jhene Aiko, Miguel, etc.). I’m learning so much! Anyways, it doesn’t matter what genre The Weeknd is, he is dope and has great music, including this song that sounds incredibly sexy but I’m pretty sure it has to do with drugs.

Robin Sparkles & Jessica Glitter – The Beaver Song

Let’s Go To The Mall? Played out. Sandcastles in the Sand? Overrated. The Beaver Song is where it’s at. You guys watched Space Teens as a kid, right? Starring Robin Sparkles, Jessica Glitter, and Canada’s favourite dad Alan Thicke? Of course you did. And what is better than a song aboot friendship? Absolutely nothing.

Molly’s Picks

Barenaked Ladies – Jane

In the 90s, BNL was a big favorite in our hometown – probably because we were right across the lake from Toronto.  I pondered over which BNL song would be the most Canadian, and settled on the one named after a girl named after a Toronto intersection. You can also listen to If I Had A Million Dollars, because they say “chesterfield.”

Alanis Morissette – Head Over Feet

I really could have kept going with the 90s artists: Bryan Adams, Sarah McLaughlin, Crash Test Dummies. The 90s, with all of their flannel, outdoor activewear, and left-leaning social policies, were probably the U.S.A.’s most Canadian decade, so this comes as no surprise. We really fell head over feet for you, Canada, didn’t we?

Neil Young – Rockin’ In The Free World

The freest world of all? Why, that would be Canada, of course.

Tegan And Sara – Back In Your Head

When I lived 10 minutes from the Canadian border, I never  knew when I was listening to Canadian radio and when I was listening to American radio. But years later I’ve learned that some albums I thought were ubiquitous – like The Con – were only all over the Canadian airwaves.  I’m still thankful for these Canadians, because a few of their tracks are on rotation at my gym and it’s some of the only good music they play.

Zit Remedy – Everybody Wants Something

Degrassi is a Canadian treasure. This song is not.

Canada Can Keep The Following Artists:

Avril Lavigne, Justin Bieber, Nickleback, Celine Dion, Sarah McLaughlin.

But thanks for these guys:

Joni Mitchell, deadmau5, Gordon Lightfoot, I guess Shania Twain. In exchange for your troubles, you can have this fine piece of Canadian art by my small nephew. The tests haven’t come back, but I’m pretty sure this kid came out Canadian.

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Choose Your Own Adventure Book or 1980s Horror Film?!

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Next week, Neil Patrick Harris, one of the greatest entertainers of our time, will release his very first autobiography. And it’s about damn time. From Doogie to NPH to Barney to Hedwig, he’s lived a life enough to span 10 million lifetimes, and that’s exactly what he’s writing about in his new book. However it’s not just any kind of memoir, it’s a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Yes, that’s right, akin to those from your childhood. Because he’s just that awesome.

I only read a few Choose Your Own Adventure books growing up, but as an adult, you bet I’ll be reading this particular one. Since I didn’t read as many CYOA books as other kids, I decided to do some research on them, and what I found was that a lot of them had interesting titles. And by interesting I mean a lot of them had exclamation points at the end of them! I don’t know, I don’t see many books these days with such enthusiastic punctuation marks, but this seemed odd to me. It was like a lot of them were those horrible science fiction or horror films from the past. In fact, to put you to the test, below are a mix of both CYOA books and horror films from the 1980s, so it’s up to you to figure out which one is which. A choose your own adventure/fate in winning, of sorts! Enjoy!

Don’t Answer the Phone!

Plot: “A deeply disturbed photographer and Vietnam veteran terrorizes Los Angeles by going around strangling lingerie-clad young women in their homes while also taunting a young psychologist by calling her on a radio call-in show to describe his sexual hang-ups and misogynistic ways.”

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Kidnapped!

“When Allen visits his friend Jason after school for the first time, he’s surprised to find that he is extremely wealthy and lives in a mansion. During a race in Jason’s go-karts down the driveway, a stranger suddenly approaches and gestures for them to get in his car. The two notices a security guard lies wounded on the ground, and soon realize they’re about to be kidnapped.”

Choose Your Own Adventure Book or 1980s Horror Film?!

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Typhoon!

“After a 40-year career on the high seas, Captain Michael Polanski sets out for his final trek, but runs into some trouble when his ship is assailed not only by pirates but a deadly typhoon.”

Choose Your Own Adventure Book or 1980s Horror Film?!

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Maniac!

“A psychotic man, troubled by his childhood abuse, loose in NYC, kills young women and takes their scalps as trophies. Will he find the perfect woman in photographer Anna, and end his killing spree?”

Choose Your Own Adventure Book or 1980s Horror Film?!

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Possessed!

“A teen’s parents go out of town for the weekend, leaving her with the entire house to herself. She has a big blowout bash but after everyone leaves, two sinister spirits from past lives take over her body. In the process she learns of a family curse that has wrought havoc through the centuries.”

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Help! You’re Shrinking

“A chemist stays up late in the lab working on a secret experiment, but a strange bottle mysteriously shows up that he’s never seen before. While he tries to figure out what it is, the blue liquid splashed on his arm and suddenly he shrinks to the size of a blade of grass.”

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Beware! Children at Play

“After several children have gone missing, a writer and a cop decide to get to the bottom of the problem once and for all. As they find more and more leads they discover that their children are being brainwashed into zombified cannibal killers by a disturbed teen.”

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Eaten Alive!

“A young woman teams up with an adventurer to find her missing sister in the jungles of New Guinea and they stumble upon a religious cult led by a deranged preacher whom has located his commune in an area inhabited by cannibals.”

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Stampede!

“Sam Kinnard is spending his last summer before his senior year of college at his uncle’s ranch in Utah, going on cattle roundups and breaking young mustangs. But when a number of cows turn evil, Sam has to fight for his life against the angry bulls.”

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The Evolution of Nick Jonas

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Last week, millennials who don’t follow the whereabouts of past-Disney child stars were shocked SHOCKED to see these new revealing photographs of former Jonas Brothers brother Nick Jonas:

I know what you’re thinking – he’s 22. It’s (legally) okay. Also, if this reminds you of something, it’s probably because Nick paid homage to the iconic 1992 photoshoot with Mark Wahlberg (of the Funky Bunch at the time) that made heads turn and launched his career into stardom. I imagine this will have a similar effect for Nick Jonas, because now people might think of him as more than just a former product of Disney. Not to mention, he has a new show coming out out DirecTV tonight called Kingdom in which he plays an MMA fighter- but more on that later.

So if you haven’t been following Nick like I have over the past few years (I’m a creep, it’s fine), you’re probably wondering how we go to the place where baby Nick Jonas is grabbing his crotch and you feel slightly turned on by it. Let’s take a quick walk through memory lane and see how he went from fresh-faced heartthrob to Hollywood hunk.

2007 – The Year 3000

Before the Jonas brothers became the Jonas Brothers in 2005, Nick had already had a successful career behind him – he had released a solo album and been on Broadway (which I ironically saw him in Annie Get Your Gun without even knowing). But obviously he became popular when the band blew up and it’s all thanks to Disney. Their cover of UK band Busted’s song Year 3000 was their first real breakout hit. I remember them promoting the shit out of it on the Disney Channel, and from there, they garnered a huge fan base. Nick, the youngest JoBro, was only 15 at the time.

2007 – Me and Mr. Jonas and Mr. Jonas and Mr. Jonas

That popularity helped them snag a guest role on Hannah Montana, where they played themselves. Incidentally, Nick had a small thing for Hannah Montana herself – is it art imitating life or life imitating art?? Just from this clip alone, you knew they were destined for bigger things. And that Nick was going to be trouble for Miley.

2008 – Camp Rock

Hot on the heels of High School Musical, Disney’s DCOMs (Disney Channel Original Movies) had found new life, and among them was this music summer camp movie, Camp Rock, featuring the JoBros and Demi Lovato. Nick didn’t really have a big part in the first movie, besides his hair. Seriously, props to him for not caving in to the flat iron peer pressure.

2009 – Grammys

Around this time, the Jonai were the One Direction of their time, which is a sad sentence for me to type out. They were nominated for Best New Artist at the Grammys, but lost out to Adele. Fair. Also around this time – my secret crush on Nick was starting to form. It was clear to me he was going to be the star out of the three of them. I mean look at him next to the other two. Joe looks like he’s auditioning to be in a reboot of Miami Vice and Kevin can’t wait to have sex with his new wife.

2009 – Jonas

The bigwigs over at Disney decided it was about time they give the JoBros their own TV show, and it was fittingly called Jonas. The boys played themselves with fake parents and an occasional visit from little brother, bonus Jonas Frankie. I’m not going to lie to y’all, I went through a serious Disney Channel phase that I didn’t grow out of until a few years ago. So I legit watched Jonas every week, and it really wasn’t THAT bad. I will say that in the clip above, Nick sounds super nasally but I still love this song. It’s the inner teeny bopper in me, what can I say?

2009 – Before the Storm

In what would be their last studio album, Lines, Vines, and Trying Times, Nick basically sings solo on a song called Before the Storm featuring his ex-girlfriend Miley Cyrus. The song is obvs about their relationship, so when she show up unexpected at the concert seen in the video, it was a big deal. While it seemed like they had a brief rekindling of their romance, Miley went off to film The Last Song shortly thereafter, and the rest is history. Probs for the best though.

2010 – Nick Jonas and the Administration

Nick’s nickname in the band/family was Mr. President because he was always the serious one and had mentioned as a youngster his political aspirations. It’s clearly too late for that now. But he took that nickname and ran with it and started a solo project. The lead single Who I Am did okay, but it still didn’t bomb like Joe’s attempted solo album. Anyways, Nick even went on tour with the Administration, and I have no shame in saying that for my birthday in 2010, I went to see him in concert. H8rs to da left.

2010 – Camp Rock 2

Of course Disney needed to ride on the Camp Rock wave one final time. Luckily for Nick fans, this movie actually featured a plot/love interest for him, and not just Joe/Demi. Nick likes to woo his girls by playing guitar and singing and TBH if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

2010 – Jonas LA

So Disney bosses decided the New York City-set Jonas needed a revamp so after some tweaking, the show returned, but this time in LA. However, Nick’s penchant for acoustic guitar serenades did not go away.

2010 – Les Miserables

Nick returned to his theater roots by performing in the West End production of Les Mis as lovelorn Marius. Fun fact: he actually played baby Gavroche on Broadway in 2003. Anyways, in addition to his West End run, Nick also played Marius in the 25th anniversary concert, which was a polarizing part for theater nerds all over the world.

2011 – Hairspray

In a role that was seemingly made for him, Nick played teen heartthrob Link Larkin at the Hollywood Bowl production of Hairspray. I got to see this live and let me tell you, the screams you hear in this video are not from the cast members. They are from real fangirls in the audience who were going crazy over Nick’s hip movements. I was so impressed with his vocal range here and my crush grew even more.

2012 – How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Nick made his triumphant return to Broadway by filling in for Darren Criss and Daniel Radcliffe before him. And the fact that the show closed weeks after he started has nothing to do with his performance. Actually I have no idea, he could’ve been horrible for all we know, but look at how good he looks in a bow tie!

2013 – Hawaii Five-0

As the reality of the Jonas Brothers’ demise was sinking in, Nick was out to prove that he was more than just a guy in a boy band, and had a recurring role on Hawaii Five-O. I’m not exactly sure what he did, but his hoodie is open and revealing his chest.

2013 – The Instagram reveal

You know those moments when you hear news for the first time and you’ll always remember where you were and what you were doing at that specific time? I feel that way about when I saw this picture. I remember staring at it on Instagram in awe and unwilling to believe this was the same Nick Jonas I had been secretly pining for over the past few years. He says it was his diabetes that inspired him to take better care of his body. I mean whatever, man. You do you.

And thanks to the magic that is Nick’s Instagram/the internet, we have been graced with even more photos of Nick and his muscles. Mainly his muscles.

Probs serenading a girl he’s trying to woo.

IT’S LIKE HE’S PHOTOSHOPPED.

IS HE FLEXING OR RELAXED NO ONE WILL KNOW

2014 – Solo project Take 2

With his hot bod and hot girlfriend and hot bod, Nick debuted his post-Jo Bros sound, and it’s actually quite good. It’s a lot different than Nick Jonas and the Administration. There’s a lot of R&B, hip-hop and even some Motown-y vibes in the new stuff and it shows a more adult side that he was never able to play before. Also, I’m obsessed with this song.

 2014 – Kingdom

That brings us to Kingdom, a new drama series which premieres tonight. Part of Nick’s bodybuilding training also has to do with the fact that he plays an up and coming MMA fighter who comes from a long legacy of prestigious fighters. I admit that this type of show doesn’t necessarily look like the kind I’d be into, but when you have Nick Jonas and Matt Lauria of Friday Night Lights/Parenthood fame, you best believe I’m DVRing the shit out of that. And I can’t wait to see where Nick’s career takes him from here.

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The Circus Gives Me The Willies

Posted in Entertainment, GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Miscellany by

The next season of American Horror Story premieres tomorrow, and it’s set at a 1950s freak show. Now, that show has some great writing and stellar acting, but freak show? Like a circus, but worse? It doesn’t even take a  good show to make that scary – you could take a straight-up camcorder to Barnum and Bailey’s, record everything as it happens, and I’d still get the creeps.

Like every normal and decent person, the circus gives me the willies. How could it not?

I don’t remember much that happened at the circus the first time I went, but I remember the feeling. Like the first time you try hard liquor or watch a Tarantino movie (just me?), it was a mix of disappointment, confusion, and more than a little judgment: “Am I supposed to like this? Does anyone?”

The main problem with the circus, of course, is clowns. I discovered this early on. During my early childhood my sister had a clown doll, even though she seems better than the kind of person who would own a clown doll. When the neighborhood boys used it as a prop in a movie about evil toys that come to life, and they broke it by punching it repeatedly in its stupid, leering plastic face, I didn’t lose any sleep over it. Or rather I DID lose sleep, but only because if any toy would rise from the garbage dump, find its way back to my house, and go Chuckie on my entire family as we slept, it would have been that damn clown doll.

“I hate you and don’t want you to be happy” – anyone who would give this to a child

Well into my teen years, my oldest brother would walk past my open bedroom door, and if I was reading quietly or doing my homework, he would fix his face into a wide, open-grinned clown’s smile, go dead behind the eyes, and sing that horrible circus song all slow and drawn-out, like a haunted record. You know the one, it’s like the theme song to nightmares: doo-doo-doodle-oodle ooo-doo-doo.

As an 8-year-old who was equally into comedy and yesteryear – I blame Little Women and ’90s Comedy Central standup – I remember pondering what people used to think was funny in olden times. I hardcore puzzled over it, until deciding in a moment of clarity that it was probably, like, people falling down and stuff. One day, I even asked my mother what people thought was funny before t.v. “I don’t know, probably clowns, right?,” she answered.

I wasn’t sure whether to stop trusting my own mother, people from the 1800s, or both. Because creepiness aside, clowns aren’t even funny. Sure, their faces are plastered into motionless, permanent happiness and surprise – but so are the Real Housewives, and nobody thinks they’re funny. At least not intentionally. And they can blow up balloons? So can the pimply teen who works at your nearest Party City, but the teen will not haunt your nightmares besides. I can’t even think of what else clowns do. Pile too many people into one car? Wear weird clothing that I don’t quite understand? Display boundless energy? Groups of teen girls do all of those things – and while we’re at it, I’m actually terrified of groups of teen girls, too.

What’s worse is, clowns aren’t just at the circus. Did you know that some mega-churches have “clown ministries?” (Mega churches are like regular churches, but with big projection screens, way more merch, and sometimes they sell smoothies: so basically, the circus of churches). If you ever want to teach your child that religion is a joke that isn’t funny, drop them off at clown ministry while you guzzle lattes at the megachurch cafe. If my parents had taken me to clown ministry, I would have bowed out of organized religion before I hit second grade.

NOPE.

Clowns aren’t the only bad thing about the circus. The overall ambiance is just scuzzy. Whether you go to a circus in a large arena like I did, or in a tent like cute people from olden times, it somehow manages to seem dirty and – even though the whole point of the circus is that it rolls from town to town – like it’s been there forever. The circus looks like it would smell like baseball field dust-dirt, ground-up peanut shells, and cigarette butts.

And that’s before you even into the (non-clown) entertainment. Most circuses are lorded over by a megalomaniac svengali in striped pants, a top hat, and sequins – the ringmaster. This a-hole tells you where to look, what to do, and is second only to clowns in creepyness. The second Google suggestion for ringmaster is “evil.” The first is ICP, and as fascinated as I am by the informercials for the Gathering of the Juggalos, that doesn’t exactly say “family fun.” If the theme song to nightmares is that circus music box song, and the villain is clowns, then the narrator is the ringmaster, like an evil Kevin Arnold.

I’m not even going to get into it, but the animals at the circus aren’t doing awesome, either. No beautiful, majestic living thing should be forced to live and travel with clowns. That’s just cruel.

What’s left. Acrobats? Acrobats are okay, I guess. They’re talented and they work hard, and that’s great. But at the same time I’m pretty bendy but you don’t see me wearing head-to-toe Lycra and gallivanting with clowns and ringmasters. Tightrope acts and trapeze artists are cool, I suppose, but at the end of the day they are athletic, coordinated adults hanging out on playground equipment and I don’t need to pay $25 to see that. And that’s before buying a glow necklace, popcorn, circus peanuts … oh yeah, circus peanuts. Blech.

Of course, modern circuses don’t even have the most terrifying part of the spectacle: the freak show. This scene, permanently burned into my brain, suggests that they were horrifying:

I will be tuning into AHS tomorrow, and I expect that it will have my pants scared off. Not because the show always is right on the line of “can’t stop watching” and “can’t bear to look at this” – though it is – but because even without two-headed girls and bearded ladies, the circus gives me the willies.

 

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Other Things That May or May Not Be Ashton & Mila’s Baby

Posted in Entertainment by

Last week, Jackie and Kelso made their That 70s Show shippers squeal with glee by announcing the arrival of their baby daughter Wyatt Isabelle. Yes that’s her real name. I mean it’s no Pilot Inspektor but it’s no Penelope Disick either.

Both of them usually keep their cards close to the vest when it comes to their personal lives, but Ashton decided to be the first to reveal their baby’s name by posting it on his website:

Mila and I would like to welcome Wyatt Isabelle Kutcher to the world. May your life be filled with wonder, love, laughter, health, happiness, curiosity, and privacy.

Can you guess which one is ours, or does it really matter? All babies are cute.

-Ashton

And then he proceeded to post a few pictures of babies and a picture of a dog and also a goat (?). I respect the fact that they want to keep the identity of their child under wraps for now, but why stop there with the guessing game? I personally contacted Ash and Mils (my nicknames for them) and asked if it was okay that I continue the baby mystery. So here are a few other babies (and inanimate objects and misc.) that may or may not be Steven Hyde’s worst nightmare:

Crispy M&Ms are making a comeback, y’all!! Is it a coincidence the Mars company decided to bring these back the same week as Mila gave birth?!

Could this freaking adorable baby belong to Ashton and Mila? Or could it belong to one of my favorite celebrity couples of all time John Krasinski and Emily Blunt?

Hello baby Kutcher or Hello person?

The cutest little nose you ever did see – is it Ashton and Mila’s or a baby named Winnie (Fallon)?

Apparently the debate of whether Pluto is a planet or not is back on the table, and for all we know, it could be the result of some kind of Kutcher/Kabbalah/Illuminati shit.

Perhaps Wyatt Isabelle was just using Lisa Vanderpump’s Giggy the Pom as vehicle for her soul all these years. She’s already gotten so much screen time.

The internet is freaking out about this pizza cake Pilsbury recently released the recipe for – and honestly if this was their baby, I think more people would be interested in it.

OR MAYBE WYATT IS THE REINCARNATION OF LIL’ SEBASTIAN. RIP.

Photo Jul 01, 6 36 17 PM

Is Wyatt this adorable baby butt? Spoiler alert: it’s our friend’s adorable son. He was having troubs getting into the baby seat.

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Whatareyoudoinghere: Unexpected Guest Stars of Gilmore Girls

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by

You’re probably either two days into your Gilmore Girls binge, or waiting to launch it til over the weekend. A few symptoms that you need to take a break from Stars Hollow: are you snacking constantly? Running on excessive amounts of coffee? Talking really, really fast? And finally: do you think you see celebrities everywhere you turn? Because it seems like every few episodes in Gilmore Girls, you’re catching either a cameo from an established celeb or a before-they-were-famous guest spot. Here are just a few:

Madeleine Albright (Season 6, Episode 7)

 Look. If you’re trying to get someone on board with Gilmore Girls, just try the following phrase: “dream sequence with Madeleine Albright.” I’ve seen the episode, but still don’t quite understand why or how this happened.

Christiane Amanpour (Season 7, Episode 22)

Amanpour was Rory’s hero throughout college, so it was only fitting that the journalist herself had a guest spot on the finale. After all, Rory’s dream was to be Amanpour, whereas my college dream was simply to someday be a person with a job. And I did it – so hold fast to your dreams, kiddos.

Paul Anka (Season 6, Episode 18)

To be fair, there were a few Paul Ankas on Gilmore Girls (again, reasons you should be watching this show if you haven’t seen it already. Or even if you have). While Paul Anka The Dog had more frequent appearances, Paul Anka The Human showed up in – you guessed it! – a dream sequence. Why didn’t we think it was weird that season 6 was chock full of plus-aged celebs starring in the Lorelai’s dreams?

Adam Brody (Season 3, Episodes 3 onwards)

I could be wrong, but it seems like the same actors are on all of our Whatareyoudoinghere features – like all of these folks were making the network/cable rounds in the early 2000s, just waiting for their lives to start. Adam Brody, Jane Lynch, Jon Hamm… you get the gist. Before he stole our hearts as Seth Cohen, Brody stole Lane Kim’s heart as Dave Rygalski. He was in her band until he had to go off to college…. in California.

Sherilyn Fenn (Season 3 Episode 21, and Seasons 6 and 7)

 Here’s where Gilmore Girls goes all Law And Order. Fenn appeared in three seasons of Gilmore Girls, playing two different characters. In Season 3, she guested as Sasha, Jimmy Mariano’s girlfriend. And a few seasons later, she was Anna Nardini, Luke’s baby mama. Last year I was trying to get into Twin Peaks and I realized I knew Audrey Horne from somewhere. But where? Well, it’s not surprising that it was hard to pin down, since she was two different characters and all.

Max Greenfield (Season 4, Episode 4)

Pre-Schmidt, this New Girl star was filling up the Douchebag Jar as Lucas, a drunk friend at Dean’s bachelor party.

Jon Hamm (Season 3, Episode 5)

Appearing as a pre-Don Draper Don Draper-type, Hamm played Peyton Sanders, a flash-in-the-pan love interest of Lorelai. This was over a decade ago, so it shouldn’t be shocking that Hamm was so baby-faced here, right?

Victoria Justice (Season 4, Episode 3)

If you need further proof that the teen sensations of today are really, depressingly young, look no further than Victoria Justice’s guest spot on Gilmore Girls. We’re still trying to cope with the fact that this show started literally half our lives ago, but we can’t deny it when we look at tiny baby Victoria acting opposite Melissa McCarthy. This girl is DRINKING AGE now, everybody. Sunrise, sunset.

Carole King (Season 2, Episode 20; Season 5, Episode 18; Season 6, Episode 10)

Granted, King is technically in every episode of Gilmore Girls. But it went beyond the theme song – she had an acting role as Sophie, owner of Stars Hollow’s (only?) music store.

Traci Lords (Season 4, Episode 5)

If you were watching Lords as interior designer Natalie Zimmerman, and thinking “wait, I know her from somewhere”: Porn. You know her from porn. So I hope you didn’t cop to that one out loud.

Jane Lynch (Season 1, Episode 10)

Is there one of these lists that Jane Lynch hasn’t made? Lynch made a brief appearance as a nurse when Richard landed in the hospital with Heart Attack Numero Uno.

Seth MacFarlane (Season 2, Episode 21)

You’d be forgiven for not recognizing MacFarlane’s face, since he’s usually a disembodied voice on bro-ish Fox cartoons. However, he also appeared as Lorelai’s classmate on her graduation day. Fun fact: Family Guy’s Alex Borstein also appeared in this episode (shame Rory missed it). For keen listeners, Seth also provides the voice of Bob Merriam (the lawyer who calls Lorelai on her answering machine) in season 3, episode 11, I Solemnly Swear.

Norman Mailer (Season 5, Episode 6)

This may have been a brief guest role, but Gilmore Girls viewers are unlikely to forget Mailer’s cameo as himself… because they must have said “Norman Mailer” 500 times in that episode. When you think about it, running an inn/restaurant is the smartest way to shoehorn in cameo appearances that otherwise wouldn’t make sense. Well, that and dream sequences, but that was more of a season 6 thing.

Chad Michael Murray (Season 1)

Like many hearthrobs of the 90s and early 2000s, Murray is an actor so nice, they named him thrice. I really do always forget that Gilmore Girls began as long ago as it did, but Murray’s turn as assy Chiltonhead Tristan DuGray (hello, made-up-sounding typical rich boy name!) predated his turn on One Tree Hill by a few years, and was even a year before he appeared on Dawson’s Creek.

Nick Offerman (Season 4, Episode 7 and Season 6, Episode 4)

Although Offerman is capable of playing more than just shades of Ron Swanson, how perfect is it that his Gilmore role was Beau Belleville, big brother to resident farmer Jackson?

Danny Pudi (Season 6, Episode 13 & 14; Season 7, Episode 6 & 7)

From Yale to community college? Well, yes. Pudi was Raj, Rory’s associate on the paper.

Krysten Ritter (Season 7, Episodes 4 Onwards)

After Veronica Mars, before Don’t Trust The B–, Ritter played Lucy, Rory’s acting major pal at Yale. It’s nice the performing arts community accepted Rory after the whole, you know, ballet debacle.

Danny Strong

Danny Strong is finally getting his due, but for years he was “that little guy on that show.” Like actress/vampire Bianca Lawson, Strong started off playing a teen on Saved By The Bell: The New Class, and then played a teen on Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and eventually landed on The CW/WB. By the time he was on Gilmore Girls playing Paris’s boyfriend Doyle, Strong had finally aged up to “college student” on TV – but in real life, he was 33 years old. Would it be weird to write him asking for his diet/sleep/exercise routine so that people stop calling me “ma’am” at 28?

*2016 Update: NBD, but he co-created a little show called Empire. Or as Amy Sherman-Palladino said about him at the ATX Television Festival, “I love that Danny, between The Butler and (Empire) has become the voice of Black America. It’s the weirdest… finally they found somebody to speak for them!”

Rami Malek (Season 4, Episode 11)

*2016 Update: Rami, as Andy, was a huge advocate of Assistant Pastor Eric when he was one of Lane’s Seventh Day Adventist classmates, but now he’s busy being a hacker and winning Emmys thanks to Mr. Robot.

Nasim Pedrad (Season 6, Episode 16)

*2016 Update: I had no idea Nasim was on GG until like, a year, ago. Her scene was super short and because I’ve watched all these episodes so many times, I tend to not pay attention as much to details. Anyways, she quickly waited on a v drunk Rory after a dramatic fight with Logan. At the time, Nasim only had two other credits to her name. Now she has five seasons of SNL under her belt, which is not too shabby at all.

Abigail Spencer Pedrad (Season 6, Episode 16)

*2016 Update: In that very same episode, Abigail Spencer, that woman you’ve seen in multiple things but can never remember what (Formerly Rectify, currently Timeless), played Megan, one of the bridesmaids that stir shit up during Logan’s sister’s wedding.

Masi Oka (Season 2, Episode 4)

*2016 Update: Did Masi Oka use his Heroes time-travel skills to appear in this ep with Alexis? He played a Harvard student who got in a nerdy debate with Rory after she snuck into a class. Lo and behold, he ended up sharing the screen with another GG alum, Milo Ventimiglia, in Heroes a few years later.

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How To Talk To Your Mom About George Clooney’s Wedding

Posted in Entertainment, Miscellany by

This past weekend, George Clooney – world’s most eligible bachelor – became just another married guy. How’s your mom doing with that news?

Seriously, you should call your mother.

There are several defining moments that broke the hearts and dashed the romantic expectations of baby boomer women: the death of JFK – nay, Camelot itself. The Beatles’ shaggy phase. Charles and Diana’s divorce. Now this: the man your mom is probably obsessed with is off the market. Yes, you should call her. But we don’t think you should go into this blind. Here’s all the prep you need.

Understand The Alternatives

$5 to whoever can tell me who this is

$5 to whoever can tell me who this is

Your mother may express dismay that Clooney did not wed one of his past loves. However, Clooney often dated less-famous gals, so you should also be prepared for your mother to mourn George’s failure to end up with single famous ladies who she likes. This is normal. If your mother laments that George should have married “Sandy,” “Jen,” “Meg,” or “Julie,”  just know that she means Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Aniston, Meg Ryan, or Julia Roberts/ Julianna Margulies. Matchmaker to the stars, that mom of yours.

Express Disbelief

The correct emotion to express when talking to your mother is bemusement. Say things like “I never thought he’d get married,” or, if you’re slightly more dramatic, “well, I never thought we’d see the day.”

Defend His Choice

It’s understandable that your mom might be a bit taken aback by this news, because this is not a marriage of peers. No, it is a marriage between a major player on the international stage … and a man from this one doctor show in the 90s.

Your mother will become more comfortable with this development if she grows to accept – or even love – George’s new missus. If, like me, you don’t know much about Amal Alamuddin, here is your cheat sheet. Alamuddin is a British-Lebanese human rights attorney who earned her degree at Oxford and got an L.M.A. from N.Y.U. She clerked for a pre-Supreme Court Sonia Sotomayor, and has spent the past few years working with the U.N., most recently on human rights violations in the Israel-Gaza conflict. She is fluent in three languages. So don’t worry, moms, I’m sure George will be provided for in his old age.

Know The Guest List

Why yes, that IS Matt Damon, John Kraskinski, Emily Blunt, and I assume some sort of lesser Clooney. And Damon IS either giving you an air-fist bump or waving wanly.

If your mom begins spiraling into self-pity and despair, dangle a star-studded guest list in front of her to distract her from her feelings. It was like combining the star power of the Oscars with the boozy fun of the Golden Globes with, probably, the irreverence of the Kids Choice Awards. Matt Damon. Bill Murray. Cindy Crawford. Bono (whose gift was probably something that wasn’t on the registry and nobody ever said that they wanted). Anna Wintour (whose gift was probably her stoic, slightly judgmental presence). There’s so much to talk about without even talking about the demise of George Clooney’s bachelorhood! Imagine being the person who had to figure out the table arrangements. It was probably like the dinner party word problems from Highlights For Children, but taken to the extreme. Feel free to speculate about the pals who didn’t make it, like Ben Affleck (IDK I’m sure that gem of a man had a very good reason) and Brad Pitt.

Talk Outfits

I mean…

Is this even real life…

Because this doesn’t seem fair…

It’s like if a Disney Princess also had a job and an education.

Again, if your ma is struggling with what this really means for her, it’s best to shift to a mutually agreeable subject. If the guest list doesn’t work, try outfits! Amal Alamuddin can dress. The best way to get your mother through this trying time is to get her to see Alamuddin as an ally, and that means that your mom has to find her as glam as her favs Sandy, Meg, Jen, and Julie. Fortunately, that won’t be too difficult.

Don’t Let It Get Personal

If you have one of those passive-aggressive moms, she may try to turn this into one of those “why aren’t you married yet” digs. Rise above it: after all, her boy George didn’t get there til he was 53, except for this one failed marriage in the early 90s that nobody talks about. Or, a “why can’t your career be more Amal Alamuddin” convo, because you know what, she didn’t graduate law school in the worst legal job market in the history of the world okay mom jeez. Like when a toddler is misbehaving, the best thing you can do is redirect. I suggest bringing it back to the outfits.

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