Listen. It’s no secret I watch The Bachelor. The ninth season of The Bachelorette came to a close on Monday, as Desiree Hartsock became engaged to Chris Siegfried after a seriously dramatic two part finale. I personally felt like this season was lackluster up until last week’s shit show where Brooks suddenly peaced out, so now that we’re closing Desiree’s (mostly boring ) chapter, we can look forward to The Bachelor.
Luckily for Bachelor Nation, this year’s fan favorite – Venezuelan-pro soccer playing-single dad- rico suave Juan Pablo Galvais was announced as the next Bachelor, and the crowd literally went crazy upon hearing this news. Scanning Twitter, ladies were saying left and right, ‘Where do I sign up?’ Even past Bachelorettes have offered to sign up again (I’m looking at you Emily Maynard).
Juan Pablo, Latin Lover – hater of shirts. PS: He went to Roberts Weslyan College in our hometown of Rochester to play soccer. So I mean, six degrees.
This got me thinking: who would I go crazy for and actually submit an embarrassing audition tape just for the chance to go on a group date with them? Of course I would absolutely never do this, but in the event celebrities decide to try out these reality TV dating shenanigans, I’m available. If Charlie O’Connell can do it, so can these guys, right?
Taylor Kitsch
Oh Tim Riggins. Just the thought of you makes girls across the world swoon. And while 33 may have been a player on Friday Night Lights, Taylor Kitsch has kept his love life on the DL ever since he became popular. So is he dating someone? We wouldn’t know. We would know if he became The Bachelor, and ladies would literally swoon during the rose ceremony. It wouldn’t be the first time.
Leo DiCaprio
We all know Leo exclusively dates models. So how entertaining would it be if he was The Bachelor? I guess I wouldn’t be able to join in on the fun – but on the plus side, it could be a mix of Bach + America’s Next Top Model, and Tyra Banks would still be there to be a crazy woman third wheel.
John Stamos
Because he’s 49 years old, and deserves love. Also, who wouldn’t want to date Uncle Jesse?
Idris Elba
oh, to be that smart water bottle.
To add to the older men of the list, Idris is 40 years old and may have a daughter, but as we’ve learned on The Bachelorette, a lot of people are okay with that. I would be okay with that if I could hook up with Idris Elba.
Nick Jonas
NO APOLOGIES FOR THIS PHOTO. NONE AT ALL.
Listen, guys. I am unapologetic for the fact that I like the Jonas Brothers. And while I was never a total fangirl over them, I appreciated their music, and most importantly, I appreciated Nick Jonas. He recently posted that photo above, and everyone was all, ‘whoa, when did Nick Jonas get hot?’ He got hot when he turned 18, that’s when he got hot. And recently he confessed he’s into older women because ‘they know what they want.’ Um ok, there’s only a six year difference between us Nick, so I’m totally down for a “cougar” version of The Bachelor.
2 Chainz
Although it would probably end up more like Flavor of Love, I just want to see 2 Chainz hand out roses/gold chains to his potential girlfrans, then shout 2 CHAINZZZ out loud.
Chris Harrison
The host of The Bachelor franchise is single and ready to mingle, so wouldn’t it be great to see the tables turned on him? He’s said he’d never do it, and it would be hard to fill his own shoes as host/therapist, so maybe it wouldn’t work. But so many soccer moms would line up to get a rose from him.
I’ve always said that if I ever win the lottery or suddenly inherit loads of money, I would not buy extravagant things. I would probably still shop at places like Target and Forever 21 H&M, but just buy more stuff without having to think twice about it. None of that designer stuff for me.
But there are some people who do fall under the category of throwing money at random stuff – e.g. American Apparel shoppers. The ones that pay $24 for a tank top. I mean, obviously the quality is better etc. etc., but $24 just seems a little too extreme for some fabric.
If you happen to be one of these folks, I have just the site for you. Welcome to Goop.
If you’re not familiar, Goop is a lifestyle website created by Gwyneth Paltrow. It started off as a newsletter, but has since expanded into a website for online shopping, recipes, parenting advice and more. However, Goop has been known to sell some pretty pricy items, which of course is nothing new. However, the site takes the American Apparel route to the next level, selling simple clothes (like tank tops) for twice as much. Here are a few ridiculously priced Goop products that Gwyneth is peddling to the masses. And just for funsies, try to guess how much each items is before looking at the actual retail price! Either highlight the space next to ‘Actual Retail Price’ or click on the pic to purchase it for yourself!
Last week, we were given the unfortunate confirmation that we’ve all been dreading: Jason Sudeikis is leaving the show after 10 years. And that, my friends, is proof that bad things come in threes – first Bill Hader, then Fred Armisen, and now Sudeikis. Not to mention Seth Meyers is leaving at the end of this year to go be a talk show host – which is a move I can get behind. But with all of these folks are departing, there will be a giant hole where these men leave their legacy. While I do have faith that my boys Taran Killam and Bobby Moynihan will carry the torch, we’ll definitely miss the longtime SNL players and their great characters. Here are some of their greatest sketches over the past seasons…
Bill Hader
Joined in 2005
Fun Fact: Hader was discovered by a comedienne who worked with him in a LA comedy troupe called “Animals From the Future”. She suggested to SNL executive producer/godfather of comedy Lorne Michaels that he would be really good on the show. That woman? Megan Mullally of Will and Grace.
Dwayne Vogelcheck: the brother in Kissing Family
The family that kisses together, stays together? I mean I guess. This sketch is so disgusting but it’s like a car accident – you can’t look away. Paul Rudd is one of the best hosts that has ever walked into the Vogelcheck family.
Herb Welch: crazy old reporter man with a knack for putting a mic in people’s face
What’s sad is that Herb Welch is probably a real reporter out in middle America somewhere. The fake dying gets me every time.
Alan Alda/Back to the Future
Hader is one of the greatest impressionists that has even been on SNL, and his Alan Alda is so spot on that it’s crazy. Just close you eyes and it’s almost as if Alan is in your ears auditioning for a hit 80s movie. Also, Fred Armisen as Prince .
Keith Morrison – Dateline
If you’ve ever watched Dateline, you know that Keith Morrison’s intros are particularly odd for some reason. And Hader’s follows suit.
Stefon
Presented without commentary.
Fred Armisen
Joined in 2002
Fun Fact: Fred went to the School of Visual Arts in New York City, but dropped out to begin a career as a rock drummer.
Garth and Kat
I feel like this might not be as popular as I think it is, but I literally cry from laughing so hard at this. Their off the cuff songs are so ridiculous and with Wiig just trying to follow Fred is worth it in itself.
Nooni Schoener
Nooni. You’re saying it wrong. Nooni. The accents that Fred and Maya use are beyond …
Fred hasn’t done his Ferricito character in a while, yet I still find myself saying “I just keeedinng,” but no one ever gets the reference. I should probably stop saying it so much.
Governor Patterson
Remember that time New York had a legally blind Governor? The way both he and the real Governor deliver horrible jokes is just so bad it’s good.
Fun Fact: Jason’s uncle is George Wendt, aka Norm Peterson from Cheers.
Male A-hole of the Two A-Holes
You’re A-holes in these sketches, but I still don’t believe that you’re both A-Holes IRL. Bonus Jon Hamm & Mad Men cast in this too!
Dancer on What’s Up with That
Literally, all Sudeikis does in this sketch is dance in 80s gear. And it’s amazing. This sketch never makes sense, so why does his dancing have to?
One half of Bon Jovi opposite band ‘Jon Bovi’
Jon Bovi: the two band Bon Jovi parody tribute band with Sudeikis and Will Forte. When I work at the theater, Brian and I would rename the shows. It started because there was a play called “Crowns,” and a lady called up asking for tickets to “Hats.” This sketch is similar.
ESPN Classics
Am I the only person who has ever seen Ladies Bowling on ESPN Classic for real? If you’re not a freak like me, this sketch is pretty much spot on. Sudeikis’ awkward Vagasil promos is almost as awk sauce as the Vogelcheck family.
Joe Biden
Perhaps his most famous role on SNL, Sudeikis brings that charming demeanor to our Veep that makes you want to hug him after he says ridiculous things.
Well, y’all – the baby the U.K. and most of the world has been waiting for is finally here. Prince George Alexander Louis appeared on the steps of St. Mary’s hospital, swaddled in the finest cloth, and held by his royal parents. And while I was grinning like an idiot watching Prince William carry the future king in a baby carrier and putting him in the car, news editors around the world were putting together their front covers and headlines for the #royalbaby. I’m assuming they’ve been thinking of these puns for a while now, which makes it even more embarrassing for those whose names are attached to the publications. Here are a few quality covers from newspaper around the world.
The Sun – London, England
The editors at The Sun have probably been waiting to use this pun headline for a realllly long time.
Daily Mail – London, England
Unlike The Sun, the Daily Mail didn’t give the impression that they’ve been planning a #royalbaby headline out for a long time. Also, is there a reason why Prince Charles is on the cover and not the couple that actually became parents? Like, does the “Prince Charles fandom” exclusively ready the Daily Mail?
Metro
Apparently the Metro couldn’t get rights to a pic of the couple with said ‘boy’, so they opted for a stock photo. And that ‘a prince, an heir, and a precious child’ line sounds like three different people. Also the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.
Evening Times – Scotland
Sorry lady, but does anyone really care that you gave birth to a girl within minutes of Prince George? It’s kinda like how local news reporters find the first baby born into the new year and ambush the parents at the hospital. Does anyone besides that baby’s family care that they’re on the TV? No. Scotland doesn’t care that this couple had a baby either.
The Courier Mail – Queensland
Well played Courier Mail. You get second place in Traci’s pun contest 2013.
The New Zealand Herald
The New Zealand Herald, however, does not. It doesn’t even make sense. You tried.
New York Post
The New York Post always delivers an amusing cover, and they didn’t disappoint with this one. Who else would photoshop a crown and silver spoon on an unnamed white baby?
Boston Herald
Oh Boston Herald. What are you doing. A ‘King’ sized baby? Really? Was this child really sized like a king??
Philadelphia Daily News
Philly editors try to master the British slang, while also providing readers with ‘fun facts’ about the royal birth. Hey, maybe one of the ‘fun facts’ is ‘lady in Glasgow has a baby girl MINUTES after Kate!’
Calgary Sun
Again, this pun doesn’t work. Just because the word starts with a ‘H’, doesn’t make it a pun of ‘Heir’.
Red Eye – Chicago
Why the Philadelphia Daily News didn’t think of this first, we’ll never know.
Edmonton Sun
Edmonton didn’t even try.
Daily Telegraph – Sydney, Australia
File under: STILL DOESN’T WORK AS A PUN.
Toronto Sun
Toronto, you win. You win all the pun awards. Celebrate at Arizona’s B-Bar and Grill for me.
BONUS:
Manchester Evening News
Because, irony.
In full disclosure, this is a satirical newspaper. Don’t worry, no paper is that ridiculous.
As you may have heard, fanboys and girls from all over the world came to gather in San Diego this past weekend for the annual Comic Convention, better known as Comic Con. For the citizens of Los Angeles, the days leading up to the event are filled with, “Are you going to Comic Con?” The exodus out of the city is on par with Coachella. Just trade in the music, drugs, and hipster outfits for comics, nerds, and a shit ton of people in a hot convention center.
While Comic Con has transformed from an exclusive comic book/graphic novel weekend to an all out nerd fest for TV and movies as well, the fan base and popularity have grown exponentially over the years. Which got me thinking – are there other ‘cons’ out there that we just don’t know about yet? Could there be a ‘con’ that will be the next exodus out of LA? And exactly how weird will the people be that are attending it? Here are a few I found that you never knew existed, and probably never want to come across in your life.
Ever wanted to meet your favorite celebrities? Then don’t go here, because this convention is full of wannabes who lure you into thinking they’re the real deal. But I mean if you don’t mind taking a pic with someone who looks a lot like Cher and have friends who won’t be able to tell the difference, then this place is for you. Going strong for 12 years, the weekend-long convention is filled with talent shows, celeb mingling and even classes on how to be an expert impersonator.
If you were wondering, Australia is the place to be if you want to get in touch with your sexuality and hang out with a bunch of people who feel the same way. Sexpo (Sexuality and Adult Lifestyle Exhibition) is the world’s largest adult show, featuring the finest adult performers, meet and greets with porn stars, and vendors who sell the best sex toys in all the land. Don’t worry guys, Sexpo is actually in Brisbane this weekend, so you still have time to grab some tickets!
You know, I just realized how dangerous this research could be. From a Sexpo to freaks at a Sideshow convention, even the NSA is going to be like WTF is wrong with this girl? All for the sake of the internet. You’re welcome. The annual Inkin the Valley and Sideshow Convention is held in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania and the foremost convention to see your favorite part of going to carnivals all in one convenient place.
Fun fact: My mother is a twin, which means a) I’ve never been one of those people who think twins are ‘so cool’ or fawn over them, since it was such a normal thing for me. b) I could possibly have twins if I ever have kids. Yikes. Anyways, remember that episode of Full House where Nicky and Alex attend a twin convention to compete in a twin contest and the whole fam ends up going? And Stephanie meets a cute boy – and his twin brother – so she pretends to be her own twin too AND OMG IT’S LIKE AN EARLY ORPHAN BLACK. So that convention is a real thing, appropriately held in Twinsburg, Ohio every year. More than 3,000 sets of siblings (including, but not limited to twins, triplets, quadruplets, etc.) come from all over the world to wear the same clothes and marvel in human genetics. Good news for you twinnies out there – this year’s fest is August 2nd-4th!
Listen, I’m not one to shit on people’s fandoms. Clearly. There have been Star Wars conventions, Twilight Saga, Simpsons, etc. But this one is the most head-scratching of them all – Weird Al Yankovic fan conventions, affectionately called, Alcon. It’s not really clear if there’s been one in the past few years, but there definitely has been at least one, which is one too many. At Alcon, fans can bid on unique Weird Al memorabilia, enter in a lip-synching contest, and you know, just revel in the parody master himself.
ROFLcon is the first internet culture conference in existence. Basically if you don’t even know what ROFL means, you’re too out of the loop to even attend this event. The convention is a place where people can dress up like there favorite memes, and talk about it endlessly. Guest speakers have included the no-names behind the sites xkcd and 4chan, so again, if you don’t know what that is, don’t bother showing your face here, ya newb. lulz.
Unlike most of these conventions, Zebra Con isn’t what it sounds like. This convention originated as a Starsky and Hutch fan gathering, naming the event after the Zebra 3 call sign on the TV duo’s car. Over the years, it’s transformed into a cop/spy/sci-fi convention, and a lot of “slash” fan fiction. I only recently found out what “slash” really means, which is fan work where two characters of the same sex are placed in sexual or romantic situations with each other. Like so: (caution: may be jarring for Star Trek fans. Or not). Sadly, Zebra Con ended in 2007, after more than 30 years in business.
This is the strangest, and most niche festival of all the cons listed here, as it’s a folk music convention, specifically with internet, sci-fi or fantasy themes. The weekend consists of workshops, songwriting competitions, and open-filking which is not a farm term or sex act. BTW that video above gave me so much second hand embarrassment that I couldn’t get through the first 30 seconds. Someone let me know how it is.
It only gets even weird from here, folks. Anthrocon is the world’s largest furry convention. ‘Furries’ are fictional animal characters and all these people find extreme pleasure in dressing up like them. Naturally. The annual event attracts around thousands each year, who come to scare all the children in Pittsburgh for the weekend (there’s some freaks up in Pennsylvania). This year’s event earlier this month, gathered 5,577 furries, and raked in $6.2 million!!! THAT’S A LOT OF FUR MONEY! The good news is is that the money goes towards animal charities, so I guess that’s a good thing? BTW, the theme this year was called, “The Fast and the Furrious.” Still creepy. A little funny, but still creepy.
We briefly talked about Bronies in the past, but it’s so much more than adults dressing up like My Little Pony Characters. BronyCon is fairly new to the convention circuit, having only been in operation since 2011. But the brony fandom (bro+pony=brony) is super into the kids’ cartoon, dressing up like the ponies, drawing fan art, creating fan fiction, etc. And most of them are 18 to 35 year old males. So, that’s cool. At least they can all hang together at BronyCon.
I already love this one because I love a good ‘palooza’. This one in particular is for mermaids, and I always liked Ariel and her dinglehopper. Basically women (and men, I guess), from around the world swim to the port of Tampa, Florida to hang out and flip about. Listen, if Ariel can score a smokeshow like Price Eric with her fins, I’m willing to pretend to be a sea-human creature, too.
If there were some sort of Make A Wish-style foundation that granted the dreams of 20- and 30-somethings, I’d put Jimmy Fallon in charge of it. After all, if you were born between about 1975 and 1992, that man has probably already found a way of making your dreams come true. First, there was his campaign for a Saved By The Bell Reunion. Last week, Fallon topped that — he staged a Jesse and the Rippers reunion. At the Smash Club. With Danny and Becky in attendance.
Actually, if we were creating an early ’90s Living History museum experience, I’d put Jimmy Fallon in charge of that, too.
Jesse and the Rippers were just part of the Full House musical menu. For such an (admittedly) medicocre family sitcom, Full House was very music-heavy. Here are a few of the best:
Forever
My high school used to hold a vote for prom song. One year, a bunch of people voted for Forever as a joke. It won. Truly, nothing says “young love” better than the song Jesse wrote for his favorite Nebraskan tv journalist.
Teddy Bear
When I re-watched this video, I thought it was a little over-the-top that Michelle got sent to bed by three men singing in harmony. Then, I remembered that when I was that age, I went through a phase when I couldn’t sleep if I thought the rest of my family was awake. My mom had everyone create a decoy bedtime – pajamas, prayers, everything. So, that’s probably worse. By the way, I didn’t find out about this until years later and I felt filthy that everybody was working together to trick me. It’s probably why I hate surprise parties.
The Sign
When I think of The Sign, I don’t even think of the Ace of Base version. I think of Stephanie, Gibbler, and that brazen hussy Gia totally butchering the pop song at a talent show, teaching us all a valuable lesson about the importance of practice. By the way, mashup artist Girl Talk named himself after this very band.*
Motown Philly
We never really heard about Stephanie’s dance classes. They never mentioned that someone had to drive her to a dance competition. You never saw her practicing or anything. But all of a sudden, there was a massive plot point that Stephanie was some kind of semi-professional child hip-hop dancer. She was up for a master class or camp or whatever good dance kids go to. I’m picturing something like Bela Karolyi’s gymnastics training center, but for dance and in San Francisco. Or, like Abbey Lee maybe. The point is, Stephanie pretended she didn’t know how to dance because she was scared of success. Funny, because “imposter syndrome” didn’t set in for me until I graduated law school – but then, Tanner was advanced. However, once she decided to sell the Motown Philly routine, that shit was sold.
Don’t Go Breaking My Heart
Whenever the Full House writers didn’t know where to go with the plot, they were like “okay, let’s just do a talent show, I guess?” These were Michelle’s friends, Derek and Lisa, who we wrote about in Where Are They Now: Minor Full House Characters. Did you know that after this episode, Elton John and Kiki Dee wrote a letter to the kid who played Derek, commending him on his performance — but snubbed Lisa?**
That stupid lollypop song
I’ve never watched a telethon on purpose. Nobody has. However, I’m pretty sure even for a telethon, this is bad. Somehow, the Tanners had to take the whole thing over. TV viewers were treated to Joey’s “comedy,” Steph’s hip hop dance stylings, and this – a teenage girl singing about buying candy. As a child, it made me want one of those giant Shirley Temple-style lollypops really bad. As an adult, it makes me cringe for Candace Cameron’s misspent teen years.
All those times The Beach Boys showed up
Inexplicably, the Tanners were friends with The Beach Boys. Every once in a while Brian Wilson would show up at that short-lived basement recording studio they had, or on the family’s Hawaiian vacation. I think the sister-dads were supposed to be superfans or something.
Oh, also, Little Richard was Jess Meriwether’s Denise’s uncle, because why not? Full House had given up on realism back when super-dedicated Motown Philly Steph became a girl who wouldn’t even practice her guitar for The Sign.
IDK if you guys are aware or not, but we are on official royal baby watch!! At this very second, dozens of reporters are camped out in front of St. Mary’s hospital waiting for the first glimpse of the next heir. Funny story: a new report says they might be at the wrong hospital and Kate and Wills are going to a different one across town. Kind of hope this is true.
To preface, when Prince William and the Dutchess of Cambridge tied the knot two years ago, at first I couldn’t care less. But then I found myself watching it go down live at like 2am, and I legit couldn’t stop watching. I was so entranced by their love, Kate’s beauty, the official-ness of it all. It was fascinating to me.
I guess I didn’t realize that Kate was a normal girl who happened to fall in love with a future king – and is also gorgeous and flawless and can do no wrong. Ever since, I’ve kept an eye on the two. Especially Kate and her wardrobe choices. She always manages to stay classy yet fresh, royal yet modern, all while infusing her own personal taste. And that’s what made her one of the best dressed pregnant Dutchesses ladies in the land. So while we eagerly anticipate to find out if it’s boys or girls who’ll run the world, here are some of her best looks from over the past nine months.
January 11, 2013 – It’s obviously early on in her pregnancy, and while she still looks like she’s werking that Dukan Diet, she looks great in this crimson Whistles Sophie Rae dress and Episode black heels.
February 19 – There are very few people who can pull off the wrap dress look. Besides Lorelai Gilmore in DVF, Kate looks stunning in this MaxMara dress.
March 5 – Looking delightful in chocolate brown, both the Hobbs Celeste coat and Great Plains floral dress sold out under AN HOUR after she was seen in this outfit!
March 15 – Odds are that no other young royal has ever work boots quite like the Dutchess. She may be wearing borderline fishnets, but the rest of her ensemble prove she knows how to keep it classy for a public event. Kate’s sporting a Joseph coat, Lock & Co Betty Boop hat, Stuart Weitzman Zipkin boots, Emmy Natasha clutch bag, and Cornelia James wool bow gloves.
March 17 – How cute is this look for St. Patrick’s Day?! I feel like this is the first real time we saw her bump, and what a great reveal it was. For next St. Paddy’s Day, grab an Emilia Wickstead dress coat for St Patrick’s Day with a hat by Sylvia Fletcher for Lock & Co.
March 22 – What else makes a royal more down to earth than ‘normal’ people clothes?! Hat, leggings, and wellies? The second People’s Princess, y’all.
April 5 – Again with the fierce boots. Love these black suede Aquatella ‘Hi and Dry’ boots, especially paired with the scarlet Armani coat.
April 26 – This is for sure my absolute favorite outfit Kate has worn during her pregnancy. The fun and flirty Topshop polka dot dress was matched with a Ralph Lauren jacket. I legit tried to find this dress hours after these photos were taken, and it was already sold out. The Kate Effect is real. To make this particular scene ever better, she, Wills, and third wheel Prince Harry were visiting the Harry Potter Studios in London.
i mean can you even ❤
April 29 – Peachy Keen, jelly bean. How glowing does she look in this outfit!?
May 22 – Continuing her streak of Emilia Wickstead Marella coats, the Dutchess looked striking in sunshine yellow and a Jane Corbett hat. Really tho, not a lot of people can pull those hats off.
June 4 – I feel like a designer like Jenny Packham was made for the Dutchess, and this lace dress is a perfect example. She paired it with a perfect light peach coat that doesn’t cover up the bump too much. And see what I mean about the hat??
June 4 – I think seeing royals out in the wild wearing normal people clothes excites the commonfolk in all of us, but to make it even better, she’s wearing an Asos dress that costs approximately $34. Plus she knows how to color block like a pro.
June 13 – Kate went out with a bang for her final public appearance until the royal baby is born, donning a saucy animal print Hobbs coat and an edgy ‘facsinator’. Can’t wait to see what she puts the baby in!
Chances are the in the past few years, a friend has e-mailed, tweeted, Facebooked, texted, MySpaced you a Buzzfeed link that fits your interests. But if you’ve ever browsed the actual site, there are a lot of random lists that you would never even think of making in the first place. And then there are ones that shouldn’t have even been made at all. Here are some that are just a waste of internet.
38 Signs You’re A Basset Hound
Have you ever asked yourself, “Am I a basset hound?” Well, here are some telltale signs that you do, in fact, have the best genes around.
– Socks are better for warming ears than warming toes.
21 Summer Pies To Make A Life In
Sometimes you find a pie so good that eating it isn’t enough. So good you just want to live in it. And WHY NOT?
– You could snooze on a whipped cream mattress…
10 Ridiculously Homoerotic Cowboy Themed Photos Of ’90s Male TV Stars
In the November 1996 issue of Details, photographer David LaChapelle took Simon Rex, James Marsden, Jerry O’Connell, and few other TV stars, and gave them a cowboy makeover. It’s weird.
– Sliders star (remember Sliders?) Jerry O’Connell in a vinyl vest! My only question, is that vest painted on?
The Top 10 Songs People Listen To After Dark
These are Spotify’s most-streamed tracks between 10 PM and 5 AM. Spotify’s calling it a “booty music” playlist.
– “Radioactive,” by Imagine Dragons
84 Things That Aren’t On An Everything Bagel (this list is absolutely absurd, disgusting, and slightly NSFW)
Yes, it’s called “everything”, but that’s not really true. These are what’s not included.
– Ernest Borgnine
20 Of The Craziest Bras Ever Created
Celebrate National No Bra Day by looking at bras that will make you never want to wear bras.
– You can ward off unwanted groping in this.
When you’re a kid, you never expect to be front page of every newspaper or on cable news 24/7. Hell, as a kid you don’t really expect much, do you? So for these young people, it must have been quite the experience, and one that many of their peers have never been through.
It was recently announced that the famous 2010 Balloon Boy has now launched a heavy metal career, because the hoax he and his parents pulled three years ago wasn’t enough to make them famous. Here’s a where are they now of some of the world’s most famous kids.
Balloon Boy aka Falcon Heene
Year: 2009
Location: Fort Collins, Colorado
The story
On October 15th, a large silver gas balloon filled with helium was floating over the air in Colorado. Six-year-old Falcon Heene’s parents, Richard and Mayumi, attested that their son was inside said balloon. The UFO looking apparatus was reaching altitudes nearing 7,000 feet, and local news stations picked it up. Soon enough, little Falcon Heene became a national sensation, with major news networks breaking scheduled programming to track “Balloon Boy,” and if he would make it back down to earth safely.
Turns out, Balloon Boy was never actually in the balloon. After more than an hour long flight spanning over 50 miles and three counties, the balloon landed close to the Denver International Airport, where it was eventually closed down and National Guard helicopters and police tracked the balloon down, mainly in fear that Falcon had fallen out.
Later that afternoon, it was revealed that Balloon Boy was actually attic boy, since he was in their house hiding, afraid after his dad yelled at him. Critics started to become suspicious of the Heenes, especially after Falcon was interviewed by CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, when Wolf asked him why he did it, Falcon responded, “You guys (his parents) said that, um, we did this for the show.”
Richard and Mayumi pled guilty to the charge of attempting to inlfuence a public servant, and Richard was sentenced to 90 days in jail, while Mayumi served 20 days of weekend jail. They were also forced to pay $36,000 in restitution.
Where are they now?
The entire family has moved to Florida, but is currently touring the Northeast with their heavy mental band, Heene Boyz, which includes 10-year-old Falcon, and his 12 year old and 13 year old brothers (I am serious. This is NOT a hoax). They have an EP called American Chili, which features a song called “Duct Tape Man”. For you folks back home in Rochester, you’ve unfortunately missed out, since they played a gig there on July 6th. But they’re still on the road, and planning to come out with a full length album soon, so don’t you worry.
Baby Jessica (McClure)
Year: 1986
Location: Midland, Texas
The Story
Jessica “Baby Jessica” McClure made national news when she fell into a backyard well at the age of 18 months. For 58 hours straight, rescuers tried to free Baby Jessica from the eight inch well, which went down 22 feet below the ground. They eventually got her out after a shaft was dug parallel to the well, and a tunnel connecting the two helped a paramedic come up from behind Baby Jess and slowly push her out. Fun fact: They slathered the walls with KY Jelly to get her out. Super. Baby Jessica caused a media frenzy and a 1989 made for TV movie was even made, titled, “Everybody’s Baby: The Rescue of Jessica McClure”.
Where are they now
Jessica, who is no longer a baby (and is almost exactly two months younger than me), grew up like any normal teenager, graduated high school in 2004, and married Daniel Morales in 2006. The couple has two children, a son Simon and daughter Sheyenne. When Jess turned 25, she received access to the trust fund her parents set up from donations from people during her time in the well – which totaled to $800,000. So in order to become an almost millionaire, I should’ve got stuck in a well as a tot? Ugh.
Elizabeth Smart
Year: 2002
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
The Story
At 14 years old, Elizabeth was kidnapped from her bedroom in SLC. Her nine-year-old sister, Mary Katherine, watched it all go down, but kept silent in fear she too would be abducted. Immediately after her abduction, nearly 2,000 volunteers per day were sent out to nearby areas to find her, but to no avail. Mary Katherine finally remembered where she had heard Elizabeth’s abductor’s voice before, as the family hired unemployed people to help out around the house, and it was a man named Emmanuel, real name Brian David Mitchell, who was the culprit. Nine months after she was abducted, she was found in Sandy, Utah, nearly 18 miles from her home, in the house of Mitchell, who raped her daily during her captivity.
Mitchell was later found guilty of kidnapping and sexual assault, and is currently serving two life-terms in federal prison.
Where are they now
Elizabeth went on to study music as a harp performance major at Brigham Young University. In 2009, she moved to Paris to serve her Mormon mission. In 2011, Elizabeth became a commentator for ABC, specifically reporting on missing persons, and also founded the Elizabeth Smart Foundation that same year, whose mission is to educate children about violent and sexual crime.
Last year, she married a Scottish man, Matthew Gilmour, whom she met while on her mission in Paris. Her memoir is due to be released this fall.
Elian Gonzalez
Year: 1999
Location: Miami, Florida
The Story
Five-year-old Elian and his mother left their native Cuba and attempted to get to the U.S. in hopes for a better life. However, during their voyage in a small boat across the seas to Miami, his mother drowned, leaving Elian as only one of three people to survived the trip. He was soon found by the U.S. Coast guard in an inner tube, and brought him to American shores. The INS placed Elian with his uncle in Miami, but his father back in Cuba demanded his son be brought back to his hometown, and files a complaint with the UN. Elian’s story soon becomes worldwide news and an international custody battle between two countries with a storied history.
Elian slowly begins to have a normal American lifestyle, but back in Cuba, rallies with hundreds of people protest for Elian’s return to Cuba, and even then-President Fidel Castro spoke out in favor of the kid. Elian’s uncle filed for primary custody of him, and his father arrives in the U.S. on a visa granted by the State Department, promising U.S. officials would transfer Elian to his father. But the dad is blocked yet again when an 11th circuit court of appeals sides with Elian’s Florida family. US federal agents then stormed the Miami home and grabbed Elian at gunpoint and brought him back to cuba with his father, where he was lauded as a hero.
Where are they now?
Now 19 years old, Elian attends Cuban Military Academy and is doing well with his father. As for his relatives’ Miami home? It’s now a museum with Elian memorabilia. Stay classy, America.
McCaughey septuplets
Year: 1997
Location: Des Moines, Iowa
The Story
Kenny and Bobbi McCaughey are the parents of the world’s first set of septuplets to survive infancy. They were born nine weeks premature, and each weighed 3 lbs or less when they were born. The couple, who had one daughter before the septuplets, named their kids normal names: Kenneth (Kenny) Robert, Alexis May, Natalie Sue, Kelsey Ann, Nathan Roy, Brandon James, Joel Steven.
Before they were born, the McCaugheys gained national and world attention, even gracing the cover of Time magazine. Donations started pouring in, including a new house, a van, diapers for the first two years, and the State of Iowa offering full college scholarships upon HS graduation to any state university in Iowa.
Where are they now
The kids are now 15 years old and entering their sophomore year in high school come fall. Not really much to report besides the fact that they’re almost old enough to drive, which makes you even older. You’re welcome. (watch an interview of them from last year here)
Zlata Filipović
Year: 1993
Location: Sarajevo
The Story
Dubbed the “Anne Frank of Sarajevo”, 11 year old Zlata wrote about her and her family during the Bosnian war in her diary, which she called Mimmy. For two years, she wrote about the horrifying siege in her hometown, where bombs were a constant, hundreds of thousands were left with no food, electricity, or water, and nearly 100,000 lost their lives.
UNICEF workers in Sarajevo heard about her diary, and published it as a pamphlet, but when French journalists got a hold of it, they shopped it around and her manuscript was purchased by a French publisher. Zlata and her family all survived the war and they escaped to Paris for three years before moving to Dublin.
Where are they now
Zlata went on to attend St. Andrew’s College in Dublin, then graduated from the University of Oxford with a BA in human sciences. She returned to Dublin and has lived there ever since. Now 32, Zlata is a producer on various films and short docs. And she’s on Twitter!
Listen, we can’t all have a keen ear about these things. It happens to the best of us. One minute, you’re trusting the hardass CIA deputy director to Claire Danes, and the next thing you know he’s a classically trained British chap, who (semi-spoiler?) may or may not be a bad guy . What’s with all these actors and their constant lying? Shouldn’t we have a right to know if the people on my TV are American citizens?!?
Well my friends, I’m here to help you find out the truth. We don’t deserved to be lied to any longer and it’s coming to an end right now.
Let’s start off with a pretty obvious one. Most people know him from House. I didn’t really watch House, but I had seen him and his convicing dribble as a psychopathic doctor. But when House became really popular, I realized I had seen Hugh Laurie before his breakout role. BECAUSE – he was the guy who sat next to Rachel Green on the plane when she was heading to London to break up Ross’s wedding. Hugh Laurie saying “Pheebs” is all you need in life.
First of all, smokeshow. Second of all, I was introduced to Idris when he was guest starring on The Office as Charles Miner. Incidentally, the gals of the office all fawned on him, especially Kelly & Angela (for some reason) that it was like they were thinking exactly what every woman at home was thinking. Then I found out he is British and it made him even hotter.
“I’m Chuck Bass.” Now imagine that with a British accent. The part was always an American, but when Ed came in, as seen in the video linked above, they asked him to use his natural accent as well. And for some reason, it’s just so much better as an America.
Nick Brody, terrorist? If you’re not caught up with Homeland, I won’t answer that question. But one thing we d know is that while he may not be a terrorist, he’s most certainly not originally from the U.S. And to make your mind blown even more, he’s married to Helen McCrory, the woman who played Narcissa Malfoy in Harry Potter!
This lit’rally blew my mind when I found out he wasn’t an American. I mean the deputy director of the CIA’s counterterrorism department isn’t actually from the U.S.?! Isn’t that illegal or something? This dude went to the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts. No wonder he’s successfully tricked us into thinking he’s one of us.
Oh Kevin Walker. You were 1/2 of one of my fave gay TV couples of all time with Scott MacFarlane’s Scotty Wandell. After five seasons with the crazy Walker family in California, he moved on to being a Russian spy in the 1980s with Felicity in The Americans. He’s played such convincing Americans that I still can’t believe his accent when he starts talking.
Speaking of Brothers and Sisters, Matthew’s on-screen sister is also not born and bred in Southern California. Her other iconic roles in Six Feet Under and the cousin in My Best Friend’s Wedding were so flawlessly American that I legit almost forgot to to put her on this list.
McDream, McSteamy, McKidd? Surprise – Cristina Yang’s on-again, off-again hubby has a seriously thick Scottish accent. Like they recruited him to be a voice in Brave.
Hugh Laurie wasn’t the only trickster on House. Smokeshow Jesse Spencer is now off being a smokeshow in Chicago Fire. He doesn’t even have to talk to get my attention. SIDENOTE: JESSE PLAYS VIOLIN. AND SINGS. LIKE LEGIT. HELLO?!
What’s more American that being a country music star? Nothing (ok, maybe being President.). Which is why I feel jipped knowing that Nashville’s power couple are BOTH not ‘Mericans!
These two don’t really get along on Pretty Little Liars, but they do have one thing in common – they’re not originally from the U.S. Maybe that’s part of the reason why they’re toururing the PLLs??! Could they actually be working together? OMG I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON IN THIS SHOW.
I’m currently watching The Wire for the first time, and did not put it together that Dominic West, who plays Jimmy McNulty on the show, is the same guy from 300, John Carter, and The Hour. AND he’s British? Never would’ve guessed.
Cookies + Sangria 