Last week, you probably saw your Facebook, Twitter, and essentially the internet pop up with an overwhemling sea of red. At least mine did. If you’re not aware, as a sign of support for the Supreme Court’s two big hearings about same-sex marriage laws which began on Monday, people changed their profile pictures, cover photos, etc. to this:
For the record, I am a huge supporter of gay marriage (or, marriage) and gay rights ( or, human rights). But I didn’t feel the need to change my profile picture to this because A) Everyone was doing it, and I didn’t want to conform, B) How long is this supposed to last? C) I don’t feel like I need to change my profile picture to a red equal sign just to prove to most of the people I’m friends with that I’m for gay marriage D) I hate that we live in a world where we have to do this kind of thing in the first place.
Ok, off my soapbox. That being said, it got a little annoying that I couldn’t deliniate people’s FB pic from everyone else, but lo and behold, a few quality red equality signs had redesigns, and they’re awesome. Here are a few of my favorites. (most of these are from Buzzfeed!)
Rothko!
Sleeping Tilda Swinton
Dumbledore puppet
bacon
bert and ernie
grumpy cat
paula deen
les mis! slash i can’t stop singing this song with all the red i’m seeing
The 27th, yes you read that right, 27th season of The Real World premiered last week, and MTV decided to re-air three “retro” seasons to gear up for the kids moving into a house in Portland, Oregon. While I was watching the old episodes of New York, Las Vegas, and San Francisco, it reminded me how reality TV used to be exactly that – reality. The first few seasons of RW featured honest, natural people who just agreed to live in a house with strangers. The show is credited to being one of the ‘founding fathers’ of the genre, and there’s no question once you see these ‘retro’ episodes.
However the problem is that 21 years later, reality TV, and RW in particular, has just become a parody of itself. The kids on the series these days are simply filling in the stereotypes they’ve seen on TV, and it takes away the exact element that made the series so special in the first place.
Now I can go on about this, but we’ll save that for another day. The point is that The first decade of RW seasons were the best, primarily because they were the ones that cleared the path, showed no air of insincerity, and just shared their lives on tape. I started watching RW in 1995, during season 4 in London (and if you’re doing the math, yes I was only nine years old. This says a lot about me as an adult). I watched religiously, up until about season 18 in Denver. So here’s my list of the 10 best Real World seasons – from season 1 to 18. I’m assuming all the ones after that weren’t worth watching anyways.
10) London
To some, the London cast was the most “boring,” which I can understand. However, like I said, this was the very first season I watched, so mainly for sentimental value, this ranks at number 10. As a 9 year old, I had no idea what to expect, who these people were, and why they weren’t acting with a laugh track behind them like all the other shows I was used to. I mean these were American kids living in an apartment in London with some British folk, one of whom got his tongue bit by a fan at one of his rock shows, an Aussie, and a German man named Lars. ‘What kind of world is this??’, asked 9-year-old Traci. ‘The real world,’ answered future Traci.
9) Los Angeles
I feel like Los Angeles was lost in the mix since it was right after the inaugural New York season, and right before the iconic San Francisco season. While I still have no idea who that blonde kid is, and I can’t believe Beth is the same Beth from the 10 million Challenges she’s done, the thing I won’t forget is “bad ass” David dragging a half naked Tami through their hallways and it being a big deal. Also, Tami getting an abortion was also a big deal, but I didn’t really understand what that was about as a tot.
8) New York
When I was re-watching this a couple weekends ago, I just couldn’t get over how old everything looked. The clothes, the background music, just the way it was shot – everything looked so 1993. I mean in this picture alone, Eric has a huge cell phone in his hand and Julie thinks she’s super hot wearing all denim (which is actually back in style now). And why do they have that big ass dog? Anyways, New York paved the way for the subsequent 26 seasons and reality TV in general. The fact that a gay man, a black politician, and a small town southern girl all lived in a house for one month with no idea what they were getting in to was the biggest risk MTV could ever take – with the greatest reward.
7) Las Vegas
Ok so Las Vegas. This was the season I clearly remember thinking: ‘Oh my GOD this is a SHIT SHOW.’ By this point, the previous seasons had already seen debaucherous moments (see: Miami threesome in the shower), but this was just a whole new level. Seven 20-somethings thrown into SIN CITY? The producers knew what they were doing. I mean Trishelle? In a hot tub? Are you kidding me?
6) Miami
Did you watch that clip of Flora, Sarah and Dan creepin on the Mike/Melissa/random chick threesome? Because that is one of the highlights from this season. The other one – and maybe one of the best moments in all of RW history, is when Melissa opens an envelope that belongs to Dan, and all hell breaks loose. When he confronts her, it’s a line I will never forget, when he says, “Was it fucking yours to open up, you stupid bitch??!” And Melissa, a strong Latina, does not take lightly to the ‘bitch’ name calling, and she starts to go off and calls him a ‘fucking flamer.’ Now obviously this entire fight is ridiculous, but the way they go off on each other is a fight made in Real World heaven.
5) Boston
Hey, remember when Sean was like, totally the cutest log roller ever? But then you grew up and found out he’s an uber-conservative Republican, married to Rachel Campos from San Francisco, have six kids together and the dream of ever marrying him was shattered? No just me? Ok, well besides Sean, every single one of these cast members was memorable. I believe this was the first season a lesbian (Genesis) was a featured cast member, and one of the most touching scenes in the season was when she and Kameelah were talking to two young girls at the school they worked at about homophobia. I would love if MTV decided to play this season again, especially since as I was watching it in 1997, I had no idea I would go to college in that very city and attend a capella concerts at their fire house (true story). Also, the stereotypes of weird names on reality TV must have reached its peak with this season – Genesis, Montana, Elka, Syrus, and Kameelah?
4) Seattle
Speaking of Boston, does “KIIIRRAA!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT KILLS ME!!!” ring a bell? David, beloved Charlestown resident, caused a scandal when it was discovered that he had been dating Kira, a casting associate for Bunim-Murray. Their relationship led to her eventual firing, but viewers got to see, well hear, David profess his love for her in a car. And then there was Irene who had Lyme disease, and her problem with Stephen. Just before she left the house (early), she called Stephen a ‘homosexual,‘ and since he was extremely offended by the remark, he proceeded to throw the beloved stuffed animal (which he stole from her) into the Seattle waters, then chase after her in her car to slap her in the face. The good news is that years later, he came out and announced he was engaged to his partner. So I mean, at least he has that going for him.
3) Hawaii
As soon as Ruthie and Teck got to the house, they took off all their clothes and skinny-dipped in their beautiful Hawaiian home. That’s when I knew it was going to be a good season. Besides the ‘are they or aren’t they’ with Amaya and Colin, Ruthie really stole the entire season with her constant drinking and alcohol problem that she failed to admit was ruining her life. Also on the first night, she drank so much that she became unconscious and her roommates had to call an ambulance. Geesh. She was constantly making a fool of herself, and the roommates did the best they could to convince her she needed help. Luckily, she has since become sober for real, and gives lectures about alcohol addiction. And apparently she hangs out with my boy Paul Pierce from the Celtics. WHAT. Also, I love this season because everything about it was so 1999, a year of my childhood/adolescence that I will never forget.
2) San Francisco
If there was one season to accurately sum up the Real World and what it symbolized in American pop culture, it would be this one. A mix of truly different people from all walks of life, the dynamic in the house was something that has never been recreated since. It goes without saying that the heart of this season was Pedro Zamora. Like many people who watched the series, he was the first real person I had seen in the mainstream media who was currently living with HIV/AIDS. Not only that, but it was the first time I had seen two men commit to each other in a ceremony that resembled a wedding. His story, his passion for AIDS education, his willingness to show his illness on TV, and the love that was shown by (most of) his roommates was unparalleled to anything that had ever been shown on TV before. And when he passed away, we felt like one of our friends had died. It’s amazing to see the impact and legacy one man has made over the years, just by being brave enough to share his life on camera. Pedro’s story is one of the most positive, influential things to ever come out of reality TV, and it’s sad that we don’t get to see that kind of pure human drama anymore. I mean Puck alone is the craziest wackadoo to date. Mix in Rachel’s conservative Republican views with Judd’s liberal stance, politics served as constant talking point that is severely lacking in reality TV today. This season was exactly what the Real World should have been about in the following seasons, not just about stupid arguments, getting drunk, and having sex in hot tubs.
1) New Orleans
New Orleans – by far the best season (if you say San Francisco, that’s acceptable too) with a memorable cast in one of the greatest cities in the U.S. You have Matt, a white Christian guy who’s really into hip hop (hence his grey puffy jacket vest?), Julie, the innocent, Mormon girl from Utah who’s into Matt and has never really known a world outside of Brigham Young University, David, a muscular guy with a penchant for singing and a hot temper, Kelley, a sorority girl who later became the wife of Scott Wolf, Danny, the hot southern guy who is gay and has a partner in the military, but can’t be shown on TV because of their Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policy (spoiler: HE’S REALLY HOT), Jamie a typical, good looking white male who had the ‘hot’ haircut all the boys had in 2000, and finally Melissa, my favorite RW cast member of all time. She was half black, half Filipino (what what), and 100% sassy. Before Melissa, I don’t think I had ever seen anyone who was quite like me on TV, and it was more exciting than you could ever imagine. She was/is literally everything I want to be in this world. And this recent article just proves she’s as awesome as ever, just married to a rock star and has two kids. (Excerpt: “Justin is my soul mate so much so that my little girl is named Maja for “Melissa and Justin Always.” But sometimes Justin does stupid shit and I’m like, “Dude, we’ll legally change her name to Majat: Melissa and Justin Ain’t Together.”)
Here are some of my favorite moments from RW: New Orleans, that made it the best season ever. Woo woo.
Melissa talks about the insane bed switcheroo and her “sex” life in the confessional
Melissa’s Parents – Shorty & Mercy
Driving with On Star (Remember On Star!?)
David vs. Melissa (and a chair)
Unfortunately, I can’t seem to find the original video, but by far the most memorable New Orleans moment was when David composed a song called “Come On Be My Baby Tonight”. Pure lyrical genius, this song will stay with you – even 13 years later.
I think we’ve all been the victim of buying one or two (or three or four) CDs that make us question if we were sane when we purchased them. I’d say my collection of records that fall under this category was a result of the TRL, the need to be cool, and wasting time in the mall record store.
Of course, most kids these days don’t have the luxury of going to an FYE/Media Play/Virgin Records, etc. and scouring through a bunch of albums, but when I was a young, impressionable teen, these are some of the gems I purchased – with my parents’ money.
A Rosie Christmas
Back in middle school, Rosie O’Donnell’s talk show was the absolute hottest thing to take daytime TV, and I was obsessed. So naturally, A Rosie Christmas was on my wish list. It’s basically an entire album of Rosie singing with celebrities. Including “Angelica Pickles”, the hit pop singer from the Rugrats.
A Very Rosie Christmas
Like I said, I was obsessed. But that’s a story for another day. This is the follow up to A Rosie Christmas, because apparently, the first one was such a hit. (BTW, what ever happened to Billy Gilman?)
NBC Celebrity Christmas
So I totally forgot I owned this until I came across this jam on Tumblr – John Spencer, Martin Sheen, and Stockard Channing ‘singing’ Wonderful Christmastime. I was like, ‘What in God’s name is this and where is it from?’ Then I remembered I actually owned the very album it came from. Oops. Other notable NBC celebs on the cd: Sean Hayes, Megan Mullally, and the devil Jay Leno.
P.O.D. – Satellite
So this is where the TRL influence kicks in. Because let’s be honest, I would have no idea who P.O.D. was if Youth of a Nation wasn’t my jam.
Lit – A Place in the Sun
Hey you know what, it’s no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy.
Ruben Studdard – Soulful
When American Idol first aired in 2003, I was a fan immediately. I even went to a taping during the first season, was on TV with an embar sign, and met a 90s teen heartthrob (again, a story for another day). But season 2, I wasn’t even that big of a fan of Ruben, in fact I was more of a Clay Aiken fan – whose album I did have, but please note it’s not on the list. So why did I have his album? Because I fell intro the trap. I mean the lead single from this album is called “Sorry 2004.” Literally the lyrics are “This is my sorry for 2004.”
Krystal Harris – Me and My Piano
Never seen this person before? Well probably only a small niche of people have, so it’s ok. Krystal Harris was the “first” singer signed to the Backstreet Boys (now defunct?) record label. She opened up for them on their Black and Blue tour, which is how I’m familiar with her. However she did have a super minor “hit” with a song called Super Girl, which was featured on The Princess Diaries soundtrack. [Ed note: I just listened to this song for the first time in years, and it’s actually pretty catchy?]
Limp Bizkit – Significant Other
I was so bad ass as a kid that I didn’t even do it for the nookie. I did it to impress my friends because I wanted to show that there was more to me than a BSB fan. I was wrong.
Welcome back to another installment of Whatareyoudoinghere! Today we will explore the wonderful/dreary world of Six Feet Under. I patiently waited for this series to come on Netflix instant, and since it still wasn’t available by the time summer came around last year (when I do most of my TV marathoning), I illegally streamed it online (judge all you want). Over all, I’d say it was worth all the hype and awards it received, especially since it had one of – if not the best – series finales I’ve ever seen. Anyways, here’s a list of some of the people I didn’t expect to see when I watched SFU for the first time.
Rainn Wilson
Just before he was Dwight K. Schrute, Rainn played a loner type mortician’s apprentice for the funeral home, and had a thing with Frances Conroy’s character. He actually had a lengthy story line, and ended up in 13 episodes. Still a weirdo.
Jenna Fischer
Speaking of The Office, Jenna Fischer had a two episode arc in season 5, when she went out with Rico, the family funeral home’s mortician. Rico didn’t get the hint that she wasn’t that into him… maybe he shouldn’t have invited her to his best friend’s wedding after one date.
Adam Scott
I realize the image above might be jarring if this is your first time learning about Adam’s appearance on SFU. It was to me when I first saw it and I still can’t get over it. Adam clearly played a love interest for Michael C. Hall. Yeah, Dexter and Ben Wyatt mackin’ it. And jury’s still out if I find this hot or not… (UPDATE: I watched their scenes again, and the verdict is I am uncomfy.)
Bobby Cannavale
Per usual, Bobby played a tough guy who Keith meets while they’re body guards for pop star Celeste (who is featured below). I loved the interaction Keith had with Bobby’s Javier, especially because it’s a good reminder that Keith isn’t your “typical” gay man, and Javier, a typical Alpha male, doesn’t care that he’s gay at all.
Michelle Trachtenberg
Spoiler alert: Harriet the Spy grows up to be a pop star! Here is Celeste, the stereotypical rich, bitchy, superstar. She believes she can get anything she wants… even sex with a gay man. Oops.
Justin Theroux
Contrary what you may think from this picture, Mr. Jennifer Aniston was not a band geek living in central Mississippi. He plays Brenda’s (Rachel Griffiths) charming neighbor, but his presence poses a problem for both of them since she’s a recovering sex addict… so I mean… good luck Brenda.
Ellen DeGeneres
Saved the best for last! Celeste has an appearance on Ellen’s show, and Keith gets into a bit of trouble for using her bathroom while Celeste is taping. But in his defense, he did do his job when Ellen tried to go into Celeste’s dressing room after she said no visitors allowed.
In the five years that I lived in Boston, I worked at a theater (like plays and musicals, not movies and stale popcorn). During my time there, I witnessed the entire gamut of theater patrons. Unfortunately, I had to interact with all of them, which 60% of the time was the worst, but 40% of the time, people were actually pleasant.
However, now that I don’t have to talk annoying people at the theater, I now have to sit in the same area as these people. My friend and I have a subscription to one of the major theaters here in LA, which means literally anyone can show up as your seat neighbor. The last time we went, it seemed like every single possible theater patron stereotype was in a 10 foot radius of me. Here are just a few of the annoying people that need to calm da fuck down and enjoy the show.
The Higher the Hair/Hat, the Closer to God
This woman sat two rows in front of me the other night. It looked like an Adele style bouffant with three peacock feathers sticking out from it.
Folks, you’re going to a venue where people will be sitting behind you. This is not a new concept. So don’t act like your beehive hair or top hat (you know, if you find yourself in the 1920s) will not be a nuisance.
Kick Line Clapper
Without fail, any time there is kick line in a show, there will be at least one person who finds it so impressive that they start clapping. CLAPPING. FOR KICKS. If you are watching anyone but the Rockettes, don’t feel obliged to audibly reveal your astonishment.
Commenters
The worst people to possibly sit behind you are the ones who talk throughout the show. They’re usually confused about what’s happening, and feel the need to talk to their friend about it. For example: ‘What did she say?’ ‘I don’t know, I don’t think it was in English.’ ‘They need to pronunciate.’ ‘No, what they need is to turn up the microphones.’ ‘Turn UP the microphones? This is too loud as it is!’ ‘Who’s that?’ ‘I think that’s her husband.’ ‘I thought she was dating the other guy?’ ‘She is.’ ‘What a whore.’ Also under this category: Ethel the old biddie.
The PDA-ers
The worst people to sit next to you? The couple that can’t keep their hands off each other. Listen guys, I get that this is a romantic date night for you, but I really don’t fancy being in a threesome with y’all at the theater (or outside the theater).
Candy Unwrappers
Just take out your cough drops and Werther’s Originals before the show, and have it then. Or think ahead and unwrap it so you don’t have to make so much noise digging around in your purse. Sound travels.
The Singer
Hey, you’re a high school senior who hopes to be a musical theater major in college? Don’t audition for the people around you, we don’t want to hear you sing Defying Gravity when there’s a perfectly good Elphaba on stage.
Texters
The artistic director at the theater I worked at in Boston gives a curtain speech at the top of the show every night. The staff (and most of the subscribers) have heard his spiel hundreds of times, and he basically recites the same thing every night. “If you have a cell phone, a pager, or anything else that beeps on the hour, please turn it off for the duration of the show. And remember – texting is just as odious.” There are people who legit sit in the back of the theater and text throughout the show, and think it’s ok. IT’S NOT.
When we think about March, we think about March Madness, St. Patrick’s Day, and spring break. And you know what all of those things have in common? College parties! Those days, there were certain songs that would come on at the bar or a party, and everyone would stop what they were doing and start singing and dancing. The kind of jams that made everyone say “that’s my jam!” Here are our top party jams from our college days:
And check out the whole playlist on Spotify!
Traci’s Picks
Sound of Settling – Death Cab for Cutie
I’d like to preface these song choices by saying I went to a liberal arts college. Like the kind of college where the Princeton Review ranks it in the top 5 for best theatre, most LGBT friendly, hipster types. Emphasis on the latter. Our school is notorious for the amount of hipsters and their love for indie bands. In saying this, my teenybopper self was influenced by my indie music-leaning friends. During my semester studying abroad in the Netherlands, a few of my pals were looking into traveling to Barcelona, Spain for a Death Cab concert. I admit I wasn’t really a fan of theirs, but I knew a few songs, and thought it would be cool to see an American band play in Europe. So we went, and it was awesome, and this song became one of our anthems throughout the semester.
La Vie Boheme – Rent
Again, we went to a theater school. Sophomore year, my friends and I went to see the Rent movie, and it was a big deal. Like everyone had an opinion on it. Needless to say, Rent is the Titanic of the theater world, as in everyone has seen it and/or knows the music. There were many a night when La Vie Boheme would come on and I wasn’t the only one who knew all the words.
Forgot About Dre – Dr. Dre and Eminem
Speaking of knowing all the words, I kill at this. Like, I will sing it at karaoke (as seen in a previous post). But my friends and I (specifically my friend Ryan) would each take a part and throw it down. How can you not get hype with the first few beats of this song?
Leavin’ – Jesse McCartney
Our school has a ‘study abroad’ program in Los Angeles, which two of my BFFs took part in. So spring break senior year, I visited them out here for the week, and this music video had just come out. We got so obsessed with it that we played it on repeat throughout the duration of my visit.
playing jmac in sync
Folgers Theme Song
Um this sounds like a really weird pick, but there was a period of time Sophomore year that we got hooked on this jingle and played it all the time. All. The. Time. Plus, it’s sung by Rockapella, the official a cappella group of the 90s.
Molly’s Picks
Don’t Stop Believin’ – Journey
This is part of a larger category of classic rock anthems that every generation of college kids seems to adopt. Other picks in this vein include Jesse’s Girl, Centerfold, Roxanne, Small Town, Paradise City, Can’t Fight This Feeling… if it was included on the As Sold On TV Cd “Monster Ballads” in the 90s, or was by a one-word 70s/80s band like Journey or Foreigner, you played it, you loved it, and everyone, from freshmen to elderly townies, sang along.
All These Things I’ve Done – The Killers
I should probably clarify that I was in college from 2004 – 2008. Our college dance bar, which a friend-of-a-friend described as “going into a closet with 30 other people, turning the music way up, then shooting yourself in the foot” (read: it was awesome), used to play this towards the end of every night. I don’t know why. It was usually right before “These Are The Days” by Natalie Merchant, which two different sororities warred over as “their” theme song. I can’t explain what makes this such a great party song, but it’s really fun to sing and dance along to.
One More Time – Daft Punk
I need to blow my cover here. Before I was the well-educated and classy lady I am today (ha, just kidding…) I lived in a college party house. It probably deserves its own post. If nobody in our group of friends had announced a party for the night, then it was at our house. My roomies were four unusually funny and beautiful ladies who had a beer pong room, a bar that we built ourselves, and a pretty decent stereo. One More Time was almost always on our playlist, because it got everyone doing ridiculous dance moves that are named for household chores (mowing the lawn, putting away laundry, sweeping the floor…).
Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too – Say Anything
Our party mixes were a weird assortment of oldies/classic rock, current top 40 hits, filthy hip-hop, and whatever indie stuff we were into at the time. I was lucky to have friends who loved finding new bands and music, so there were always fresh additions to our playlists. My college crew was especially into any song that was horrifically dirty, particularly if you could illustrate it with disgusting interpretive dance moves. This one – and many others by Say Anything, like Every Man Has A Molly (which everyone always sang at me) and Alive With The Glory Of Love- fit the bill. I have fond memories of singing this really loud on our street on the way to the bar, with my sincerest apologies to the “real people” who lived next door to us. The songs have nothing to do with each other, but on one of our mixes this was right before Jude Law And A Semester Abroad by Brand New, which was always fun to sing tauntingly to whomever had a significant other abroad that semester.
School Spirit – Kanye West
I needed just one song to illustrate my college-aged love for hip hop, and this was the most collegiate. Kanye factored heavily into our playlists and power hours, and I still feel like dancing when Gold Digger comes on. Another favorite was The Gray Album, a mashup of Jay-Z’s The Black Album and the Beatles’ white album.
Things have warmed up a bit since I wrote How (Not) To Go Running In The Snow, and upstate New York is beginning the slow, sloooow journey toward springtime. I thought now would be a good time to address the best way to go running with your dog. Or, at least, what works for me.
This post would not be possible without my number one running buddy, Harper. She is an almost-8-year-old English Setter. I got her from the shelter a few years ago, and we’ve been besties ever since. Well, I think she’s a 8-year-old English Setter. Due to the whole shelter thing I don’t really know much about her. Sometimes I think they just make stuff up. It’s like having a witness protection program member living with me, because I can’t really ever ask about her former life. Anyway. Running. Here we go.
(1) Gather all of your stuff. That’s probably like, some shoes. Now get your dog’s stuff. Collapsible water bowl, poop bags, collar, leash, personal identification, etc.
(2) Do all of the above in as stealthy a manner as possible, because as soon as your dog sees you wearing sneakers or holding keys, it is ON.
(3) Oh, shoot. The dog saw you. The dog always sees you. Watch as she prances and turns circles.
(4) Do any pre-run stretches or warmups now. Oh I’m sorry, does your dog actually stand still when you are at the park or on the trail, and allow you to do lunges and arm circles? You’re cute.
(5) Wrestle the collar/leash onto your dog. My dog knows that I do not put her leash on until she is sitting in front of me. This is ostensibly to make her less wiggly, but actually because it is HILARIOUS. She gets so exciting that she’s trembling.
(6) Let the animal run to the car, because you will not run well with a dislocated shoulder. Wait, so your dog trots calmly at your side on the way to your vehicle? Fun.
(7) Watch the dog try to get in the front seat even though she clearly cannot drive. Nice try, pup. BTW, my dog rides in a crate in the back seat — I cannot recommend this method enough.
(8) Get to your destination, and start a slow warmup lap.
(9) Stop 45 seconds later. The dog is pooping. Backtrack another 30 seconds to the closest garbage can.
(10) Run for real. This is going well! The dog is probably looking up at you and dog-smiling and you’re feeling pretty great about your choices.
(11) One mile in, and the dog is pooping again. You are nowhere near a trash bin. No big deal. You run with the leash in one hand and the poop bag in another.
(12) SQUIRREL! Try not to get tangled as the dog lunges in front of you to chase a squirrel. Fall, probably.
(3) How many times can one dog poop? You may be out of bags by now. Try to remember to get one from your car and deal with this before you leave. Nobody wants to be that person.
(14) See an unleashed dog in the distance. Darn. Call out to see if an owner is there. You hear the most dreaded words a dog owner ever speaks: “ Don’t worry, he’s friendly!”. Dog owners who say “don’t worry, he’s friendly!” while walking an unleashed dog are, in my experience, frequently big liars. They just don’t want you to freak out by saying “WORRY! He’s an a-hole.”*
(15) The dog is… not friendly. Run faster. Hey look, you’re interval training! Cool.
(16) Change your route so that you won’t pass them again.
(17) Water break! In the 30 seconds you are stopped, meet another dog owner who wants to tell you that you are using an inhumane collar. This is inevitable because for every single kind of dog collar, from regular collar to Martingale to prong, there is someone who very passionately believes that (1) it is inhumane and (2) your life would be better if you tried the thing that their dog uses.**
(18) Start running again.
(19) Peeing? Ughh fine. Does your dog only stop once per run? Now you’re just bragging and frankly, I don’t like it.
(20) If your dog is a big panter/drooler, now’s about the time someone will make a comment about how hot your dog is. If you know that your dog is fine, a simple smile and “I know, right?” will do. Keep going. Around now is when I thank the lord that I don’t have children, because I know parents get this feedback but a million times worse (Always as well-meaning questions: “oh you’re potty training already?”/ “You haven’t read Happiest Baby on the Block?”/ “You bottle feed?”/ “Your baby wasn’t delivered in a Lake of Shining Waters by a nun and a civil war reenactor?”)
(21) Oh, come on — a family with kids. You’re not going to be running for a sec. My dog loves children and children love my dog, so I don’t really say no to kids who want to pet her. But I do feel bad that she slobbers all over them. Oops.
(22) Run for real for another few miles.
(23) Reach an area with water or mud. It wouldn’t be a proper run if you dog didn’t come home looking like a swamp creature.
(24) You’re done! Drive home with all the windows down because the air smells like dog breath concentrate. Also because your dog is probably fogging the heck out of your windows.
(25) Water all around! Then collapse on the floor with your dog. Until next time!
This was taken after H and I collapsed on the floor after a run. Pretty much how we roll.
*In case you think I’m oversensitive, my dog was attacked at a leash-only park while the owner stood by and didn’t get his dog. I had to pay serious $$$ for shots for her. And it was my birthday. Also as a child I was VERY frequently chased by neighborhood dogs that were guarding the drug houses across the street and next door to me.
** I’ll probably get judged for this too, but my dog is a puller. I got her at 5 years old and her habits were set. I have tried everything. Yes, EVERYTHING, even the thing where you give her liver snaps every time she’s doing well. No dice. Halti? Tried it. Gentle Leader? That too. I finally found a collar that works for both of us, meaning no pulling on my arm and no pain for my dog. Deal with it. [Sidenote, any Halti users hate how everyone thinks that your dog is muzzled? People treated my gentle children’s therapy dog like a vicious beast when we used that thing.]
If you had lasers, you were probably totally rad, in the parlance of the time. You were fashion forward and a bit of a risk taker. Or, you were really into technology, robots, and science. I don’t know why lasers were ever even introduced as a school portrait backdrop, when I think about it. They’re not really relevent to any kid’s experience. “Oh, you know Becky, she just loves shooting lasers!” That’s something no parent ever said. And they weren’t a general, neutral motif, even in the 90s. As an adult, laser portrait kids are probably style pioneers – you favor bright colors and eye catching patterns. At the workplace, you are on the cutting edge and willing to go out on a limb to get noticed. Or, you are really into technology, robots, and science.
Sky
I still remember this picture day. What I do not remember is why my mom thought scraping my bouncy childhood ringlets into a messy ponytail was an OK idea.
Your parents picked your backdrop. You grew up in a traditional household of rules and regulations, and your family stayed away from anything too flashy. Or, the other backdrops all cost extra, and your parents thought that something like unnecessary school portrait scenery was a waste of money. They may have also been very concerned about what your grandparents would think. If you chose the cloud background yourself, you were probably Alex P. Keaton from Family Ties. Today, former sky backdrop kids could go either way. You may have rebelled big time in high school and college, turning to some sort of counterculture that required outfits. I don’t care what — goth, hip hop, extreme country music fandom. It may also be that you kept your family’s values, and prefer a streamlined, tidy look. You try not to draw attention to yourself, and avoid displaying obvious status symbols. And when you have kids, you’re not going to throw your money away on stupid laser backdrops. Or whatever the equivalent of lasers is in the 2010s. One of my nephews could have chosen tie-dye, so maybe that.
Library
Some years, my school offered this weird backdrop that looked like you were in a mahogany study, with bookshelves and a roaring fire. There may have been a Christmas tree with stockings hanging. At the time, this probably meant that your parents wanted a Christmas portrait to send to relatives, but were killing two birds with one stone by making the school picture the Christmas picture. If you chose it, it’s because you wanted people to think you lived in a mahogany-paneled estate. Either way, this translates well as an adult. Either you or your parents knew how to get what you wanted without paying out the ears, be it by combining Christmas and school portrait costs or by faking wealth. Now that you’re an adult, I bet you’re great with budgeting and cost-saving measures. You mix up all of those homemade cleaning ingredients on pinterest and are awesome at refinishing secondhand furniture.
That Gray Marbled Situation
My adorable nephew, who probably would have preferred lasers. Poor guy.
It was the only option your school had. Or your parents were very serious and hated fun and frivolity. Or you, yourself, were very serious and hated fun and frivolity. You probably have a super-serious occupation now, and avoid decorating or dressing in colors. Your 401K is probably bigger than mine.
The Double-You
My cousin, with face obscured because she never asked for this.
This option had mostly been phased out by the time I was a child, but lo and behold, one of my nephews had this done in the past year or so! What happens is this: The main photo is the kid looking head-on into the camera and smiling. Then, superimposed above the kid, is the same child in profile, staring inspirationally into the abyss. These pictures are one of the creepiest things I can think of. First of all, the inspirational profile kid is just a disembodied head. Second, it is just straight-up unsettling to see two of the same person in one frame. Presuming you don’t have an identical twin, I would FREAK OUT if I saw you and your double, standing one above the other. It’s like The Shining or The Poltergeist, or any other movie I watched on TBS and freaked out about for a week. So, who chose this backdrop? I think parents who wanted to be “artistic” or kids who always wanted a twin. The parents who went with the “double-you” option thought their kids were gorgeous, smiling or not. They thought relatives and classmates were missing out if they didn’t see your profile as well as the front of your face. Whichever way you cut it, your parents thought you were a stunner and wanted the world to know it. So where are you now? You might be really stuck on yourself and think you’re just the most attractive person in every room you’re in. You make it a point to angle your head up and to the side in conversation, so that people can get the full effect of your perfect profile. Or, I guess maybe your parents just instilled a high sense of self-esteem in you, and you have that.
Neon Blinds
Other brother, also spectacularly ’90s. I now understand why my dad called me “[brother] in drag” as a child, as I looked EXACTLY like this with long hair. Also, not cool, dad. Not cool.
If you wanted the flash and glitz of lasers, but they were a little too busy, then neon blinds were for you. You were probably fairly up on your trends, with at least somewhat lenient parents. I bet you were cool in high school. What does that mean now? You keep an eye on what’s new and trendy, but that doesn’t mean you follow every fad that comes along. Now that your parents are older, they probably are planning on traveling a lot in retirement, but think more Italy and less Bolivia.
Guys, it’s finally here. We’ve waiting six long years and it’s finally here. JT’s new album comes out TODAY!!
So in honor of Justin’s epic return, I’ve compiled some of my favorite JT musical moments. Plus some bonus SNL stuff at the end. Enjoy! (And go buy his album)
Worthy Of
An unreleased track from Justified, this is arguably one of his best of songs that didn’t quite make the cut. Well, it’s really the only one I know of, so it has to be the best one. It’s a little bit more mellow, like Take it From Here, but not as somber as Never Again. It’s still a great jam that I listened to during the 6-year-drought to quench my thirst of new JT music.
LoveStoned/I Think She Knows Interlude
Of course this song is one of the best off of FutureSex/LoveSounds, but really, the greatest part is the interlude, that most people don’t know if you’re only familiar with the radio edit. ‘I Think She Knows’ serves as a seamless transition from the electrodancepop jam that is LoveStoned, and presents a beautiful smooth vocal track from Justin with gorgeous instrumentals. I’d never heard anything like that before, so naturally, it blew my mind. Like it was a sound. From the future. Get it?
Another Song All Over Again (Live)
This is another jam off the FutureSex/LovesSounds album, and serves as the final track. I stumbled across this video shortly after his tour ended, and I was in awe. I mean don’t get me wrong, I knew he was a good singer, but this performance just has so much passion and soul – and it goes on for 8 minutes. After watching this, I also regretted not going to this tour, so luckily I’m making up for it when I see him play at Fenway this summer back in good old Boston!!!
I Love Sports – 2008 ESPY Awards
As any good Justin fan knows, he’s a big sports fan. Hell, he and Jessica are even minority owners of the Memphis Grizzlies. So when he hosted the ESPY Awards, it was only fitting. I myself, am not a huge sports fan, but I do appreciate Justin’s ability to make fun of Jessica Simpson and shout out my Boston Celtics in the same medley. Also, look out for cameos from Posh Spice, Zefron, and Kristen Bell…
3-Way (The Golden Rule) feat. Lady Gaga
We all know and love Dick in a Box, jokingly blast Motherlover on Mother’s Day, but right up there is the last of the 2:30AM trilogy (apparently, that’s the name of the creepy 80s R&B duo: 2:30AM. And JT’s name is Raif). What I’ve always loved about Lonely Island is that they make songs that are actually catchy. I will play 3-Way again and again and again and sing the lyrics at the top of my lungs. Probably not okay if you’re in your car and people can hear you scream ‘helicopter dick’, but whatevs.
History of Rap with Jimmy Fallon
One of my favorite singers with one of my favorite people in the world! They have too many great moments together to name them all, but here’s one of the best. It came out of nowhere, and the hits just kept coming. (I know, after watching that one, you’ll want to watch part 2 (the best imo, for JT’s Snoop alone), part 3, and most recently, part 4. You’re welcome.)
BONUS: SNL Cameos! He’s cuter in person – with Amy Poehler
Again, JT with probably my favorite celebrity of all time? I die.
Immigrant’s Tale
I believe this was the first time he hosted SNL, and I could not believe how good he was. This sketch only solidified that he was and is one of the best hosts, nay entertainers of our generation. The fact that he could easily make fun of himself, and Britney, showed that he doesn’t take himself too seriously, and proved he wasn’t just a Chris Kirpatrick. He proved he’d be around for a long, long time.
Cameo During Britney Spears’ monologue
Oh the days of Britney and Justin. How young and naive we all were. He surprised the audience during her hosting gig in 2002, only to go on four years later and kick off his five-timers club record. Can we just take a moment of silence for their relationship and also a much saner Britney Spears??
As a kid, your bedroom is an important place. It’s the only place that’s really YOURS – or maybe shared with one or two other people, but still. It’s a no-grownup zone, and though your parents probably made you clean it and set some parameters, you had a bit of free reign as far as decorating went. I seriously went with it – in fifth grade, when I got a new bedroom, I went antiquing to pick out the right accessories, and pored over catalogs for months until I found the right bedspread. Even now that I’m older, I love seeing character’s home spaces on tv. Like a child’s room, the way these people decorate their bedrooms – the place in their house that outsiders wouldn’t usually see – tells you a lot about their character. Plus, the set designers just make them look really, really cool. Until I was preparing this post, I didn’t realize that set decorator would probably be my dream job. Here are some of my favorites.
Clarissa Darling Obviously, right? Clarissa’s bedroom had everything! Her own computer game system. An amphibian named Elvis. Multicolored, hand-painted furniture. Mismatched quilts. A hat collection. Partially painted-over wallpaper. Hubcaps. License plates. SAM.
Carrie Bradshaw
I know Carrie’s apartment is pretty unobtainable, but I love how her bedroom wasn’t TOO perfect. It was cozy, with bookshelves and a big comfy duvet. Even her radiator was cute. I remember reading an interview with the set decorator back when Sex and the City was still on, and she said that Carrie’s apartment was done in the shades of a bruise, since she was a little brokenhearted when she moved in. While that sounds grody, it’s actually a really pretty color scheme – soft gray, light green, and shades of blue and violet.
Jess Day
While the word “adorkable” could go away forever, this bedroom kind of IS adorably dorky. I love the bright teal wall contrasted with the brick, the clustered prints over the bed, and the fun printed bedspread. I could actually see Jess picking out all of these items. While Jess has some ditzy moments, she’s a teacher so we know she isn’t dumb. I’m happy to see some books in here to remind us of that.
Literally All of the Main Teens in Pretty Little Liars
I like how dark Aria’s room is, actually. Plus the gumwood gives it a craftsman vibe, and all I really want right now is to own a pre-1940s bungalow. My dream Arts and Crafts house is on the market now, about 10K too high and 4 months to early for me to buy it, so this is all a little fresh for me. Anyway. The window seat is to die for. I’m usually not too into bedroom wallpaper, but this is so soft and pretty with the light furniture and white french doors. I wish I could find a picture of the whole bedroom, because while the decor is pretty dainty, Spencer has a hardcore desk/bulletin board situation. So Type A! I know at some point we’ll all be over gray as a neutral (we got there with taupe, after all), but Hanna’s bedroom is just so nice. I’m less jealous of the bedroom and more of the adjoining bathroom with a clawfoot tub. I’ve always sort of wanted a white iron bed, so of course I love Emily’s bedroom. Plus an alcove AND a window seat!?! Between that and the cheerful, but not to bright, yellow and green color scheme, this is a winner.
Really, I love all of the bedrooms in Downton, but I especially like how, despite the heavy furniture and being in a stone castle, this feels breezy and airy. I love the fireplace, too – so cozy! I expect that this bedroom comes fully equipped with a lady whose job it is to brush and braid my hair before I go to sleep. It goes without saying that I picked Cora’s bedroom over Mary’s because a Turkish houseguest didn’t pass away in the bed.
Based on the above list, I think I have some criteria for a perfect bedroom. Sloped ceilings or an alcove, mixed prints, giant plush bedding, books, and some kind of windowseat or built-ins. When I was a kid, I loved kids’ rooms with multiple sets of bunkbeds or rows of beds. Like Madeline, except that I don’t want to live with a dozen French orphan children. Basically, if I end up in a tiny house with a ton of kids, I’ll be all set, decorating-wise. Otherwise, I’m screwed.
Cookies + Sangria 