Well folks, the 2014 Olympics have come and gone incredibly fast, just like Shaun White’s hopes of making history and winning another medal (too soon?). We’ve seen the highest of highs, the lowest of lows. The underdog stories and the stories of world champs falling from grace.
So how could we possibly sum up everything that’s happened in two weeks? With GIFs of course! Here are some of the best moments from the Sochi Winter Olympics in animated form. Hopefully this will tide all of us over until the Summer Games in Rio in 2016…
Remember the opening ceremony? I bet whoever was in charge of these olympic rings will never forget this for the rest of his/her life.
Poor Bob Costas. The man who helms the Olympics for NBC was down with pinkeye. Well, make that pinkeyes because it spread from one to the other and he had to sit out on like three nights of primetime coverage. But he eventually got better, and we got this gif out of it.
I was watching this live, when a man climbed a tree to meet U.S. Men’s Alpine head coach Sash Rearick, who was hanging out in some branches Katniss style to get a better view of the course. And an NBC correspondent had to get a interview, because, ratings.
There were 14 new programs introduced this year, including this one, slopestyle snowboarding. This is American Jamie Anderson who won us a gold medal and taught us about Tinder in Olympic village (but hardcore Olympic fans already know that the village is a hookup hotspot)
And one of the first viral gifs out of this year’s Olympics is courtesy of U.S. luger Kate Hansen. She was spotted rockin out with her headphones in right before she sped down the icy ramp.
When asked who she was listening to, clearly, it was none other than Queen Beyonce.
Another American who went viral – figure skater Ashley Wagner. Clearly disappointed with her low score, she forgot that cameras were on her and also forgot that the internet thrives on reactions like this.
This is probs my favorite. This is a real pic from American bobsledder Johnny Quinn, who got locked in his Sochi hotel bathroom. To escape, he used his bobsled (and NFL training) to break through the door like the Kool-Aid man. The best part – he got stuck in an elevator a few days later.
And then there was Russia’s Yulia Lipnitskaya. A 15 year old who stunned everyone in the free skate during the team competition, helping them earn a gold medal, and made her the youngest Russian winter olympics gold medal winner. But really, that spin tho.
The biathlon/any cross country skiing seemed to be the absolute worst sport this year. People were literally collapsing at the finish line. Hilarious but, you know, not.
The weather in Sochi was a big problem this year. One day it would be foggy and cold, the next 60 degrees. Literally warmer than on the east coast and its polar vortex. This didn’t help the snow conditions, and athletes were having problems with the icy/hard/slush terrain. But the Russians did their best to keep up appearances.
The halfpipe wasn’t kind to Shaun White either. He was hoping for his third gold medal in a row, but to no avail. wah wah.
This is Gus Kenworthy, silver medal winner in slopestyle skiing. But who cares about the medal. He made friends with the stray puppies who the Russians were allegedly killing off, but Gus did this and wanted to take them back home to the U.S. with him. I mean can you even.
Not to mention when Gus won his medal, he was part of a U.S. podium sweep with Joss Christensen (gold) and Nick Goepper (bronze).
This is American slopestyle snowboarder Sage Kotsenberg. He is doing a trick called the ‘Holy Crail’, which is obviously very difficult, but has a stupid name. He also credited ‘mad snacks’ and Fight Club for helping him focus before winning the gold. Clearly there’s no doubt he’s a snowboarder.
The Dutch have always dominated speed skating, but more so this year. 23 speedskating medals. 8 gold. They’ve won at least one medal in every single speedskating category. Basically it was a lot of orange on the podium in the speed skating center.
There was a rare tie for gold in women’s downhill skiiing, between Slovenia’s Tina Maze and Switzerland’s Dominique Gisin. But more importantly, Tina Maze is a pop star, model and all around A-lister back home in Slovenia.
And then there was the couples’ ice skating. Russians Tatiana Volosozhar and Maxim Trankov brought the house down when they won gold. And also cast Angela Kinsey as Tatiana in her (eventual) made for TV movie.
I just included this U.S. skating pair of Marissa Castelli and Simon Shnapir (who obviously didn’t medal) because Simon and I apparently went to the same college. Go Lions!
This Swedish skiier, Henrik Harlaut, actually has dreads and XXXXL pants, and it’s really not surprising that he fell. Because COME ON.
Skeleton is probably the most badass sport, and Canada’s Sarah Reid has the best helmet to go down the ice giant ice slide.
Oh Evgeni Plushenko. The star men’s skater for Russia for… forever. He’s one of the country’s most beloved athletes, and won the gold in 2006. And even though he skating perfectly for the team competition and helped Russia earn the gold, by the time it got to his solo comp, his recurring back problem flared up and he decided to quit.
See- his back? He’s had surgery before, okay? We needed to see it to believe it. Anyways, he not only withdrew from the Olympics, but he announced it would be his last competition ever and officially retired.
Ah Jeremy Abbott. He fell, hit the boards, and stayed on the ice for a good 15 seconds. BUT THEN he got his ass back up and finished the routine. That’s the Olympic spirit, folks.
Meet rising star, American ice skater Jason Brown. Also the gayest of gays since Johnny Weir, and it’s a welcome addition. Also, this quote during the his program from one of the commentators: “He doesn’t have a quad turn, but he does have a ponytail that has its own Twitter account.”
And… this is Spain’s Javier Fernandez. Do with it what you will.
Women’s snowboardcross was an awesome competition to watch, as it was anyone’s game. In this GIF, the woman ahead is American Lindsey Jacobellis, who is a silver medalist from ’06, and favored to win again in Sochi after a failed attempt in Vancouver. Except she was so ahead in this race when one little slip up made her fall and her dreams to get another medal were dashed yet again.
If you’re wondering how Cool Runnings 2014 did (2-man bobsled of Winston Watts and Marvin Dixon), the Jamaicans literally placed last. Not a good trip for these guys.
Bode Gate: 2K14. Alpine Skiier Bode Miller, another veteran of the games, won a bronze medal in what is probably his last Olympics. Post his winning race, he spoke with a NBC correspondent about what the moment ment to him – especially since he dedicated it to his younger brother who died months before. He broke down and the reporter got a lot of heat for it, but Bode defended her. All’s good, he has his bronze medal, and NBC got its ratings scandal.
Belarus’s Anton Kushnir won the gold with this, and I’m just impressed anyone can physically fly that high and land and not die.
Guys, my new obsession is ice dancing. IDK why I never really paid attention to it before, maybe it was the whole Canada/USA rivalry this year, but it is fantastic. Speaking as a fan of dancing/former dancer, this is right up my alley. I introduce you to the ‘Shib Sibs’ aka Maia and Alex Shibutani, siblings who ice dance together, particularly to a Michael Jackson in this gif.
I think I’m starting to be obsessed with Canadians Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir. Like almost shipping them. Ugh, but they’re just so damn good. LOOK AT THESE TWIZZLES!
AND THE LIFTS!
And the Canadian flag that turned out to be a poncho! Virtue and Moir weren’t able to get their second gold medal in a row and were bumped to silver, But hey, they have each other.
Of course, the folks who won were American darlings/Disney characters Meryl Davis and Charlie White.
And then Mary Carillo’s documentary about Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan’s ’94 debacle aired before the closing ceremony on Sunday, and Tonya Harding looks just as guilty as she did 20 years ago. Like I said on Twitter, “2014 Tonya Harding is like the mini-van mom in suburban detroit who got caught shoplifting at her local k-mart.”
Remember that fog and bad weather I was talking about before? Yeah, this was it. Right before this Olympian was about to ski down a mountain.
IDK if the fog effected Austria’s Kathrin Zettel, but either way, she ran into a pole and the flag covered her face. Then it moved down to her waist and was on her person for like 5 more slaloms. Oops.
So you know what’s even more impressive than being an Olympic athlete? Being an Olympic athlete in both the summer and the winter games. Remember Lolo Jones from track and field/hurdles? Yeah, she’s become a bobsledder. But didn’t win a medal here either.
Curling, guys. Curling. Still don’t get it, but good to know suburban high school history teachers can get in on the action.
NBC, always explaining sports to the viewers in layman’s terms, which I appreciate. Basically gold medalist Ted Ligety has super impressive almost unhuman-like angles when he skis down a mountain, and that’s why he deserves all the awards.
I have no idea what’s going on here, but this is amazing.
Andreas Nodl of Austria slammed Norway’s Jonas Holos into the boards and legit shattered a pane of glass. This is why I can’t with hockey.
Can you say sob fest?? This heart on the half pipe was in honor of women’s freestyle skiier Canadian Sarah Burke, who died in 2012 due to injuries sustained during practice. She was considered a pioneer in the sport and helped bring freestyle skiing to the winter olympics. Her ashes were spread on the halfpipe in Sochi. {x}
Talk about a photo finish – the men’s ski-cross QUARTERFINALS (aka not even the big medal run) included a huge crash at the end between Russia’s Egor Korotkov, Sweden’s Victor Norberg and Finland’s Jouni Pellinen. As you can see, there is one clear frontrunner, Switzerland’s Armin Niederer, but second place (the only other person advancing to the next round) was a three way tie. The Russian eked out from the other two – because he flailed his arm across the finish line first.
And the so-called ‘crown-jewel- of the winter olympics, women’s figure skating came to a head. That 15-year-old Russian spin girl did the impossible – she fell. Oops. No medal for her.
Ashley Wagner, still not pleased with her results, but at least she’s more aware of her surroundings this time.
And the final standings: she came in sixth. “Not bad!”
Gracie Gold, America’s hope for, well, gold, didn’t exactly live up to her namesake. Fourth would have to do.
‘Queen’ Yuna Kim, the reigning champ from Korea, as beautiful as she skated, she just couldn’t hold on to her title. But really, she is so good, it’s upsetting.
And I think Katy Perry said it best, but 17-year-old Russian skater Adelina Sotnikova came in like a Dark Horse. Pre-Yulia dominating during the team competition, Adelina was an expected frontrunner. But Yulia took the spotlight and all the pressure that goes with winning a medal for your country IN the host country, and Adelina was like don’t forget about me bitches. This girl took home the gold and Yulia is busy listening to One Direction and already focused on South Korea 2018.
Can we talk about these two? Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir served as figure skating correspondents (obvs), but their outfits and clear BFF-ness needs to be put on a reality show or something. Or he can just have her on his show all the time.
This is the worst GIF, but after my boy and the ‘next-Apolo Anton Ohno’ failed to win anything on his own, he finally got a silver medal in the relay with the other boys in short track. Gold in 2018, my friend.
Closing Ceremony: In which Russia proved they actually have a sense of humor. Well fucking played.
So here’s the thing. This bear was one of the Olympic mascots – but in America, we didn’t know that because they never introduced them on NBC. So when this dude showed up at the closing ceremony, I bet a lot of people were confused and concerned they had taken drugs at some point during the night. Anyways, he’s been nicknamed “Nightmare Bear” because he’s so GD scary and looks stoned all the time. But here, he’s just expressing what a lot of us Olympics devotees are feeling right now – withdrawal that the games are actually over.
And there you have it folks. 17 days of elite competition in Sochi are now over. Until Rio in 2016, Vlad Poots thank you for your attention and time. As the Russians say, “Spasibo!”
Well, it’s the big day for figure skating, and everybody’s ready. Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski are wearing matching gold headbands. Lipinski looks like she has serious plastic-surgery face – like that cat woman you see in gossip rags sometimes – but it’s just the result of some over-aggressive contouring makeup from the folks at NBC. She’s a pretty girl. They could let up on the bronzer.
I’m not watching the Hunger Games, but I feel like I’m watching the Hunger Games. Weir does an admirable Claudius Templesmith, but Lipinski’s Effie Trinket could use some more drama in the hair department. Let’s start this thing.
Park So Youn
Country: South Korea
Costume
Really feeling the midnight blue skating dress thing with ice blue sequins. Not so princessy. Kind of a “Frozen” thing?
Music
Classical music, but the dramatic kind, not the dreamy kind.
Skating
Is watching figure skating to see if someone falls the same as watching Nascar for the crashes or hockey for the fights? But I’ll admit: I hate watching people fail. Nothing would make me happier than a figure skating competition where every person is at the top of their game and the winners and losers are separated by fractions of a point.
The Good: Graceful, ballet influences? Pretty arms. The floaty non- jump parts. This one really gorgeous spin.
The bad: A few of those landings weren’t awesome; fell once.
Brooklee Han
Country: Australia (LOL no)
Screw this, Han was born and raised in the U.S. Not Australian. I repeat: Not Australian. Our first carpetbagger of the night. I wonder if she can she compete for US after this in other Olympics, if she qualifies?
Costume
The red thing looks a little adult, like a weird abbreviated evening gown from 1994. It’s the v-shaped jeweled choker element. I know the French braid is a figure skating classic – reminds me of watching Nancy Kerrigan back in the day – but I like how clean it is.
Music
This music – it reminds me of the Anne of Green Gables soundtrack.
Weir: A lot of people chose “pretty princess” music.
Lipinski, paraphrased: People play songs on repeat if it gets them going for jumps, etc.
Weir: What was that song you used to play?
Lipinksi: Pulp Fiction.
LOL.
Skating
Fun fact: Brooklee is a violinist and an equestrienne, and now I feel inferior. For lack of better way to put it, she’s a very emotional skater. You can tell she’s a musician because she really seems to get inside the music, though Weir feels like she’s just connecting jumps. Fall count: 1, I think?
Gabrielle Daleman
Country: Canada
Costume
The costume is very Jasmine from Aladdin. I like it, even if it sort of reminds me of the middriff-baring prom dresses that people wore in the early 2000s. It’s a nice color. Sort of a peacock feather thing going on.I don’t know how I feel about this thing where the tights go over the skates so it looks like you’re barefoot but with enormous, deformed bladed feet. I sort of want them to bring back the classic white skates a la Sonja Henie. But I also know that if your feet and legs are the same color you get a longer line – that’s why so many short women are told to wear flesh-colored shoes – so I get it.
Music
Polynesian Dances
Skating
It’s her first international event as a senior skater. Yet, she has an older feel than a lot of the skaters out there. No, she doesn’t look old for her age, but she looks more athletic and less willow-y and gawky than some of the kiddos out there. Gabrielle does NOT look happy with that performance. Just noticed she had jewels at the corner of her eyes. Cute.
Should we count how many times they say “kiss and cry?”
Elisaveta Ukolova
Country: Czech Republic
…however, she was born in Russia. Doesn’t anybody stay in one place anymore?
Costume
Lipinski: She’s starting with a very pretty dress.
And she is, really – floral beading. A nice change. But talk about old-school – I spy a scrunchie! Wow. I think scrunchies have survived in skating, dance and cheerleading long after they died in the real world. I’m not even opposed, but I don’t like the red scrunchie with the dark blue dress.
Music
It starts with a really fun swing number, but then it transitions to a slower classical thing. It was a weird transition and frankly I’m not feeling it. One or the other, you know? It was fun to start with something up-tempo and a little different, like Polina did in her short skate (which I loved). Then it transitions back into swing. Hmmm. I see why she did this for figure skating purposes but I’m not into it.
Skating
Elisaveta fell on the triple loop. “Most beautiful technique” as she bursts into the air on her jumps. But, “sort of tripping,” says Lipinski. She fell again, and had trouble getting going after it (to me anyway). Very “meh” says Weir, because with her music she should be more ebullient. I agree. “A rough skate,” says Lipinski.
Anne Line Gjersem
Country: Norway
Why are people from Scandinavian countries so good-looking? Is it the high standard of living and healthy food? Seriously this kid is so pretty. First skater from Norway in 50 years, which is surprising to me on account of all of their ice.
Costume
I love this! It’s sort of magenta and pink, and looks very youthful and modern, for a skate costume. It’s sequined all over, but doesn’t have so many patches of heavy sequinning. With West Side Story the obvious choice would have been a white dress like Maria wears in I Feel Pretty, but the bright young number is kind of evocative of the red/pink the character wears in a lot of productions.
Music
West Side Story “Everyone is expecting to see some West Side Story, and it’s just not happening.” – Lipinski. “She’s putting it to use, but there’s no connection between her face, her body, and this music playing over the loud speaker.” Personally, I’m just excited to hear a musical score that’s not Les Miserables.
Skating
I loved some of her quicker transitions between moves. She’s “really struggling on the flying camel spin,” according to someone who knows. “A little skirt ruffling, Johnny.” “A little cha-cha.” Felt like watching her work, instead of a performance, according to Weir.
Nicole Rajicova
Country: Slovakia (by way of USA)
Okay, but just so we’re clear, Nicole is from Long Island. So, I’m pretty sure that whoever wins, America really wins. However, my grandmother was Slovak and you really only hear about Slovakia during the Winter Olympics, so I like this girl. Nicole is totally trying to up her Slovak factor by changing her name from Rojik to Rojikova (in Eastern Europe surnames are gendered, but obviously once families immigrate to English-speaking countries, they drop this for logistical reasons).
Costume
Sort of a black and red Flamenco thing, complete with red flower in her hair. Dramatic, not what I’d have chosen with her coloring, but I like that she didn’t go with the classic “I’m an angelic ice princess” look.
Music
Sassy classical? A little bit of a tango thing going on maybe? It’s different but not SO different. I like it.
Skating
She fell early on (they all seem to fall on that first big element, if they’re going to fall), but otherwise she had a lot of really graceful and clean landings. I think there was another wobble in there. Lipinski and Weir thinks she’s too in her head about it, thinking about what she has to do next. I do NOT like this one move she does when she just sort of picks up one foot to waist level for a second, like “hey, look at my heel!” Lipinski and Weir were NOT into it.
Kaetlyn Osmond
Country: Canada
“Skating is so popular in Canada, it’s amazing there haven’t been more champions,” the commentators say. “Every girl figure skates, every boy plays hockey.” If we’re playing the Canadian Stereotypes game, after all of the ice sports they then all go to Tim Hortons, where Mayor Ford is mid-crack binge, pay with a few loonies and toonies, then drive their snowmobile home to catch a few episodes of Degrassi. And they do it all so politely.
Costume
She is “portraying Cleopatra, if it wasn’t apparent”, according to Weir. It wasn’t, so thanks. Still, it’s a nice maroon dress with a lot of gold happening on the back.
Music
The kind of heavily horn-sectioned classical that seems like it’s from an epic movie soundtrack.
Skating
She does a few Cleopatra-ish hand things, so that’s cool. There’s one fall, but also a lot of beautiful soaring elements. The choreography is more narrative and sassy than a lot of what we’ve seen so far.
Hey. What if we all just settled on one spelling of Caitlin and everyone had to use that from now on? Could we all just do that?
Elene Gedevanishvili
Country: Georgia
Underdog country! But, she’s lived in Russia, Canada, the US, etc to change coaches, although she was born in Georgia. Elene moved to Russia to skate but her mother was deported after Georgia-Russia tensions escalated.
Costume
It sort of looks like an ethnic Eastern European costume you’d see on a figure skating version of a Madame Alexander doll. Black brocade bodice, red skirt. Nice.
Music
Evidently Elene carefully selects her music. Unsurprisingly, it falls into the “dramatic classical” category.
Skating
I really like the quickness of this piece. Just, really strong balletic connections between elements. However, the commentators feel like she “checked out mentally” after her first fall. I do not like how she came out of her last spin. They don’t like her attitude.
Kim Haejin
Kim Haejin actually has a normal number of legs.
Country: South Korea
Costume
Black, silver sequins, not the most interesting but pretty. She was doing a “black swan” thing so it worked, but could have been more dramatic. Evidently since the movie, more skaters are skating as the black swan than the white swan. Cool.
Music
Swan Lake. “Her idol, Yuna Kim recommended it for her.” Guys, I want to talk about Yuna. She sounds like such a good supporter of the other South Korean skaters – really positive and encouraging, like a figure skating Amy Poehler. I like her. Like, Yuna doesn’t sound like that girl who would say “oh, that music would be GREAT for you” or, I don’t know, “your ass looks AWESOME in those jeans,” when it’s not true, just to sabotage you.
Skating
One really, really bummer fall where she hits the boards. She recovers well, and seems like a really athletic skater. Beautiful spins.
Kanako Murakami
Country: Japan
The Japanese skaters seem to have a really nice camaraderie. Kanako wore a blazer from teammate Mao Asada, an idol of hers, to her high school entrance ceremony. This is what I love about figure skating, Kerrigan-Harding stuff aside. Unlike in team sports, members of each country’s team are in essence competing against each other, so it’s heartening to see this level of support. You even see skaters from other countries commending each other’s performances on TV and twitter.
Costume
The one black mesh arm is fine, actually. Love the violet and black. Love the lightly sequined back. Do NOT love the odd crucifix/dagger/saber thing that’s sequined onto the waist. At all.
Music
Very typical string-heavy classical. Hey, if it ain’t broke…
Skating
She does a “smack and nod” on the boards before going out to skate. Cute. “Nicely done,” according to Lipinski, and I agree. It was a mostly clean skate, very graceful. The judges agree. One spin looked under-rotated, but closer examination revealed that it wasn’t.
Zhang Kexin
Country: China
Costume
I guess black and red are THE thing this year? A little gray in there too. No complaints. A lot of sequins, but I really like that during spins.
Music
It’s the floaty, stringy classical again.
Skating
WOW her jumps are beautiful. They look really high for someone who looks like a pretty short lady. She does a few slower spins, and I don’t know if those fare as well as the speedy ones in scoring, but it’s lovely. The commentators think she sort of “throws her arms around,” so I guess she’s more of an element skater and less of a dancer. You get bonus points (there’s a more technical word for it) for jumps in the second half of the program, and she gets them. They think she’s “too relaxed” and “marking her program, not performing it,” and I do see what they’re saying but I also really like her looseness and ease. In a classic Weir analogy, he says the performance is like “eating cavier every day” because you get accustomed to the amazing jumps. She seems a bit under-scored.
Mao Asada
Country: Japan
Costume
My personal favorite! A blue/violet/indigo/magenta feathery number.
Music
Piano-heavy classical.
Skating
Asada was supposed to be a contender, but is 16th place going into this skate. This may be her farewell performance. It’s a great one to go out on. “She has a quick snap about her today,” says Lipinski. Mao triple axels like a boss. It’s just so FUN to watch her skate. Everything she does looks easy, even though today I was struggling just to make it across an icy parking lot without falling so clearly it isn’t. THIS is what I was talking about when I said that I like watching people succeed. It’s just so satisfying to watch everything go right. She hits every jumping pass. Crowd goes wild. She looks heartbroken, because even this perfect skate can’t make up for yesterday’s. If you’ve missed it, Asada has the ultimate human interest story in the skating event. She lost her mother while she was out of the country and couldn’t make it back home in time.
Break
During the long resurfacing break between the second and third sets, I switched over to the Women’s Hockey final. Go USA! I almost started to tear up a bit when one of the hockey players talked about her disappointment when she realized that women didn’t play professional hockey, and her resolve to become an Olympic hockey player instead. Ughhh.
Apropos of nothing: when I was a little kid, I wanted to be the girl who skates around after a figure skating competitor, picking up the teddy bears and flowers that people throw onto the ice. I always did know how to dream mediocre.
Li Zijun
Country: China
Costume
You know, since this is the first cotton-candy girly pink skate dress we’ve seen, it looks really pleasantly surprising. She’s skating as Coppelia, so it’s fitting.
Music
Coppelia, of course.
Skating
Zijun is selling the theme routine, because before they announced what she was doing, I saw her stiff arm movements and thought “hey, she’s doing Coppelia!” She’s a good jumper and very sprightly and girlish on the ice. The commentators would like it to build a bit more through the program – a bit bigger and more exuberant. She is a touch restrained.
Mae Berenice Meite
Country: France
Why does the English name Bernice sound so blah, when the French Berenice is so pretty?
Costume
Oh my goodness! This whole time I’ve been wondering “what if somebody just showed up in pants?” And then Mae did it! Leave it to a French lady to show some sartorial restraint. Didn’t Surya Bonaly compete in pants one time too? It’s actually a bit risky because judges don’t love when skaters go off-book. Weir loves the shoulders and thinks the pants work on her. Sort of a “Lady Gaga/Beyonce” structure to the body suit, according to Lipinski. I think she has the first funky nails I’ve seen, too. I like this lady.
Music
The kind of smooth electric guitar that would play in the steamy scene of a tv movie from the early 90s. ZZ Top ends up in there. A potentially distracting number of music edits, say the commentators.
Skating
Mae falls on a triple loop. The music goes into a more rock-ish, clappy section, and the skating picks up a bit. Mae has some sassy choreo in there, and some high jumps as well. I’ve never seen a skater look so casual about landing such beautiful spins.
Very music box sounding. Perfect with the costume. It picks up into a rapid violin/ orchestral movement, then that unmistakable Phantom Of The Opera riff and a flowy string rendition of ‘Think of Me.” Phantom is probably second only to Les Mis as the most-used musical score in figure skating.
Skating
Akiko is a delicate, graceful skater. Her jumping passes don’t go so well – she falls once. Akiko is very expressive and does an excellent job of coordinating her face, and the amount of force with which she skates, to the music. Some of these skaters seem more like artists and some seem more like athletes. Akiko is a dancer. Her closing spin is fantastic.
Valentina Marchei
Country: Italy
Costume
Diaphonous black number with a ruffly neck. The skirt is slightly longer and it’s more adult than a lot of what we’ve seen. You know how Italian ladies (as in from Italy, not Italian-American) look so great when they’re in their 40s and 50s? Like, it’s a good thing there to look like a grown adult instead of a girl? Valentina’s definitely Italian in her wardrobe choices here. There are barely-detectable sparkles in her tights, which is a nice touch.
Music
Nyah by Hans Zimmer
Skating
To go along with her costume, she starts with some moves that are … oddly sultry, for figure skating? I like that she sticks to the theme throughout the program. You see a lot of skaters open their program on some thematic choreography, only to drop it for a series of jumps later on. Marchei is definitely a performer. She’s more fun to watch than some of the flashier skaters.
Fun fact: at 27, this is Valentina’s first Olympics – how unusual is that in this sport? She has background as a speed skater and a gymnast, as well. The older I get, the more I root for the older figure skaters because it might be their last chance. Older is relative, of course — our oldest ladies are only 27 and 28.
Polina Edmunds
Country: USA
Costume
Flowy, asymettrical hemlined number in powdery-tealy-blue, with a nice jeweled neckline. It does a good job of making Polina look willowy and graceful – she has that look of a tall girl who only recently shot up and is still sort of gangly and gawky, but she can look pretty and lithe in the right clothes. She tends to go with more gussied-up hairstyles, but keeps it really sweet with pearls and jeweled flowers. I like it.
Music
I can’t identify the first piece, but it segues into Vivaldi’s Spring movement from the Four Seasons. It feels cliche but I can’t remember the last time I actually heard it. She’s so young and innocent looking that it really suits her.
Skating
She starts off with a triple lutz-triple toe and some other combination that I can’t remember, except that it was beautiful. I can’t imagine being 15 and getting on the ice and doing anything other than puking (and falling, of course) but I see no nerves from this girl – until she takes a little tumble. Otherwise, she looks great. Her stage mom trained her well.
Does she remind anyone else of Emma Nelson from the earlier seasons of Degrassi?
And do this many people usually fall? It used to seem like a disaster that happened once in a great while, but it doesn’t even seem serious now – almost everyone has.
Nathalie Weinzierl
Country: Germany
Costume
A vivid, indigo-blue dress. The color seriously suits her.
Music
Rhapsody in Blue? Yes! I like this! I get what she was doing with that costume. Some dude on the twitter feed calls it “the United airlines song” and I’ll take his word for it. I fly a lot of Southwest and Jet Blue, myself.
Skating
So, the jumps were a little glitchy, but the girl can spin. Weir thinks she has an “old-fashioned” jumping technique, and I’ll take his word for it. It was sort of just okay.
Yulia Lipnitskaya
Country: Russia
Costume
Red coat, because… well, you’ll see when we get to music.
Music
Schindler’s List. There we go.
Skating
After a disappointing short skate, Yulia has to bring it here. I think this girl really deserves the buzz. I obviously don’t know much about skating, but I know who is and isn’t fun to watch. She isn’t just technically talented, she’s graceful and expressive as well. The crowd erupts when she lands the jump she missed in the short program. Oh no… she takes a heck of a tumble toward the end of the program. As always, she’s the best spinner out there. This was good, but not like what we saw from her at the team competition. I feel guilty, in a sort of a Hunger Games-y way, for getting entertainment out of an event that’s so much pressure on such really young kids. Her face when it ends just kills me. I know the skaters are here because they WANT to be here, but still.
Not gonna lie, Lipinski sounds a touch relieved that her spot as the youngest gold medalist might be safe. Yulia is first after her skate, but there is some big-time competition coming up.
Carolina Kostner
Country: Italy
Costume
Like her Italian compatriot, Kostner wears a sleek black number that says “I am a 27-year-old grown-ass woman. Move over children.”
Music
Bolero. Whatever, I love it.
Skating
That was a hell of a skate to go out on! She keeps landing these jumps coming down on angles where I think she can’t possibly nail it, but she does every time. There’s a great joy and musicality to her program, especially after the jumping passes are out of the way. I don’t know what it is about this performance over the other ones, but I almost tear up a bit because you can see that she’s just out there pouring everything into this, and enjoying it. Damn, girl. Ya did good.
Fun fact: Carolina’s father was an Italian hockey player.
NOPE. As she leaves the ice her coach says “now do you believe in yourself?” and at this point the tears are real. She takes the lead and beats her personal best.
Adelina Sotnikova
Country: Russia
Costume
Dusty lavender with gold. A sort of Downton Abbey color combo. There’s some weird geometric stuff going on with the sequins.
Music
Slower violins, moving into a rondo.
Skating
As we move further into the competition, you can see why these top skaters – Costner, Gold, and yes, even Sotkonikova – are the ones we keep hearing about. There’s just such a distinct difference between these later sets and the earlier ones. Less falling, for one thing. But more than that, these higher-scored skaters are so skilled at combining rhythm, grace, expression, story AND fancy jumps. It’s not just a string of lutzes. Adelina falters a bit after one jump but overall it is one heck of a satisfying program to watch. Her rotations are so darn quick! It’s even more fun once the jumping passes end and she can showboat a little, even seeming to encourage the crowd to clap. Adelina, like Carolina, is having fun out there. You can see it. The hometown crowd loves her. Holy crap, Adelina is only 17.
The lead is hers now. MAN. I think in the last group of skaters we can just get used to a lot of turnarounds. Do I think she was THAT far ahead of Costner? I guess I don’t know enough to judge that. There could be a home-court advantage, though Adelina was certainly good.
Gracie Gold
Country: USA
Costume
The girl knows what works for her. The ice blue and silver sequins, with her blond hair, is the perfect figure skating Grace Kelly look.
Music
Sleeping Beauty
Skating
Gracie Gold – who, as every news outlet must note, has the best possible name for a figure skater – is graceful. Again, very easy to see the difference between this performance and the lower-scored competitors. But SHOOT. She falls. “Ouch,” says the commentator. “Ouch,” says the audience. “Whatever,” says Gracie, who continues to skate beautifully after it. But after the last two skaters, it’s clear that the fall is going to keep her out of the top spot.
Ashley Wagner
Country: USA
Could Ashley Wagner look any more like an Ashley? Man.
Costume
Wagner has said that she likes to skate as a character, and she’s going as Delilah. She explained that she went with yellow because it’s the most eye-catching color, and that it is. She’s a bit more “adult” than a lot of the kiddos out on the ice, so the skimpier costume works for her.
Music
Samson and Delilah
Skating
By this point you probably heard that, if the US Team had been selected based on the Nationals (as it usually is), Wagner wouldn’t be on the team. There was some talk that Wagner was chosen because she’s a crowd favorite with some pretty serious endorsements, but the official line is that she was chosen because, other than Nationals, she was the strongest skater in the US. I really really want them to be right, so I hope she does awesome out there.
It’s good. The jumps are good, the spins are good, the character is evident, and it seems like Ashley’s having a blast. It’s not quite as clean as some of the other performances we’ve seen, but very good. She’s in 6th. Not as good as I’d hoped, but I’ll never be 6th best in the world at anything. But I bet when you are the sixth best in the world at something, all you can think is how close it is to first, but also how far.
Yuna Kim
Country: South Korea
Costume
A two-tone maroon (oxblood? magenta?) and black number. It’s nice, but not distractingly so. I like the clean, high neckline.
Music
Piano-heavy jazzy classical. Some accordion (???) later on.
Skating
Beautiful. Even the Russian crowd is into it, and it’s seemed like they were trying to hold back their enthusiasm after Adelina skated so well. So clean and crisp! I have not seen anyone transition so quickly between jumps. The commentators say that it was “tight,” and once again I’ll take their word.
Okay — not enough for gold. The crowd is going insane. Our medalists are:
(1)Adelina Sonokava
(2) Yuna Kim
(3) Carolina Kostner
I cannot even be disappointed that the United States didn’t medal. All of the medalists were amazing. Adelina was a bit of an underdog after Yulia’s strong showing in the team competition. Yuna Kim proved why she is considered one of the best in the world. Carolina Kostner was possibly my favorite to watch – a really joyful skater. The first ever Russian gold in ladies figure skating – in Russia. That was awesome.
We’re a little more than halfway through the 2014 Winter Olympics, so let’s check in on what’s happened so far. Obviously we can’t report on everything, but one of the main reasons I love the Olympics is that it is the one event in the world that gives everyone the opportunity to come together in one place and compete in the spirit of the common passion of sports. It’s a reminder that even if your home country is at political odds with another, at the core, we’re all humans, who have common goals, common dreams, common passion to be the best we can be.
So in saying that, I love hearing the stories behind the athletes – where they came from, how they got to where they are today, and most importantly anyone who’s embodied the Olympic spirit. Here are some of my favorites from the Games so far.
The goal of Olympism is to place sport at the service of the harmonious development of humankind, with a view to promoting a peaceful society concerned with the preservation of human dignity
Russian cross country skiier Anton Gafarov had multiple – multiple – crashes on his skis during the semifinals, but decided to keep going on a broken ski despite the fact he had no chances of winning. On his last fall, his ski was literally in bits, but a man came running out with a new ski, took off the tattered one, replaced it with a fully functioning ski and the Russian went on his way.
The catch: it wasn’t a member of Team Russia that helped him out, it was former American Olympian-turned-Canadian coach Justin Wadsworth who lent a hand. Justin’s wife, Canadian Beckie Scott, is also a skiier, and during the 2006 Games in Torino, Beckie’s relay partner Sara Renner was in a similar situation to Gafarov. She snapped her ski pole and was struggling to finish the race, until Norwegian coach Bjornar Haakensmoen came out and lent her a ski pole. Sara ended up taking home the silver, while the Norwegian skiiers took fourth.
What did Justin have to say about his act of kindness? “I wanted him to have dignity as he crossed the finish line.” Pay it forward indeed.
Tracy Barnes overcame a feat many athletes strive to do, which is qualify to represent your country in the Olympics. She did so during the trials, but ultimately decided to give up her spot – to her twin sister Lanny.
Lanny came down with the flu during the Olympic trials, causing her to miss out on her chance to compete in Sochi. But after a lot of convincing, Lanny finally took Tracy up on her offer to take her spot in the Winter Games, just a month before heading to Russia. Tracy wasn’t even planning on attending the games, but her sponsor, Advanced International Technology, bought the plane ticket and Tracy was able to cheer Lanny on every step of the way. With a story of compassion like this, it doesn’t even matter she placed 64th.
It’s fair to say the Philippines doesn’t have a large contingent representing them in the Winter Games. In fact, this year there is one man reppin the country of my people, and he is 17-year-old figure skater Michael Christian Martinez, and the first person from a southeast Asian country to rep in figure skating.
Michael grew up practicing in an indoor ice rink in one of Manila’s malls, essentially teaching himself how to skate by watching YouTube videos of Patrick Chan, a fellow Olympian and star Canadian figure skater, and Michael eventually won a spot to compete in the Olympics.
But in case you didn’t know, being a professional athlete can be expensive. His family was running low on funds – they even put a mortgage on their house in order to pay for his training, and after the destruction of Typhoon Haiyan last year, sending a kid to Russia for the Olympics wasn’t the first priority on the government’s ‘To Do’ list. That’s when the IOC (International Olympic Committee) stepped in and provided funds through its Solidarity program, which provides aid to athletes who need financial assistance to go to the Games.
Michael made his way to Sochi and during the practice rounds, he got a little help from his idol, Patrick Chan, who decided to take him under his wing and give him a few pointers. Thanks to Michael’s perseverance, faith and hard work, he managed to place 19th in the qualifying rounds. That means he is in the top 24 – making him eligible to compete for a medal on Friday. One thing for sure is that no matter what the end result is, he’s going home a winner.
One of the most admirable things about Olympians and athletes in general is that they’re stubbornly unflinching in their craft. In other words: they don’t give up. Clearly it takes years and non-stop training to get to a place like the Olympics, so it is absolutely necessary to have that drive which keeps you going.
And this was proven by figure skater Jeremy Abbott last Thursday during the men’s short program. The 28-year-old American was one of the favorites going into the competition, but on his very first jump (a quadruple toe loop-triple toe for those in the skating know), he landed horribly wrong, slamming his hip on the ice, and consequently bouncing into the boards. See this gif for all its agonizing glory:
Abbott was on the ice grabbing his hip and wincing in pain for a good 15 seconds and just as it looked like he was about to have the medics come over, he stunned the entire arena and got back on his feet and picked up his routine. The Russian crowd went wild, even clapping and cheering him on throughout the rest of his performance, and he flawlessly executed the rest of his jumps and spins and axels and sochows (sp?).
He finished 15th out of 29 skaters, but it was that camaraderie and support that everyone in the crowd gave him that will be unforgettable for years to come.
We all know the story (or at least seen the classic 1993 movie) about a group of men from Jamaica who make their unlikely debut in the Winter Olympics in the quest for gold. This year, two-man team Winston Watt and Marvin Dixon qualified for the Olympics, the first since 2002. However they did not have an easy time getting to Sochi.
First off, like Michael Christian Martinez, funds were low. They had to raise money just to get to Russia, so they turned to a crowdfunding website and raised more than $120,000 in just two days. And then once they got there – they couldn’t even train in the sliding center because of lost luggage. Winston and Marvin arrived in Sochi before all their sliding gear and were forced to miss out on their first practice runs.
Luckily, all their gear arrived, but not so luckily, the Jamaicans weren’t able to pull a Cool Runnings at the 2014 Olympics. They came in last place.
Bode Miller isn’t a n00b to the Olympics. In fact, if you’ve been following the Olympics at all over the past 10 years, you know he’s one of the best in the sport. In fact, he’s the most decorated U.S. skier in Olympic history, with six career medals, including his latest in Sochi.
So here’s the low down on 36-year-old Bode. He won two silver medals in Salt Lake City (’02), went off the rails in Torino (’06) when he was favored to win, but failed to medal in any of his five events (and then went off on a weird tangent on partying and drinking, showing off douchebaggery galore and proving he’s the ‘bad boy of alpine skiing’). He returned to Vancouver in 2010 to win three medals, one in each color.
And that brings us to October 2012, when Bode married pro beach volleyball player Morgan Beck. Four months later in February 2013, his ex-girlfriend, Sara McKenna, gave birth to their son Samuel, his second child (because obviously he has another kid from a previous relationship). And then last April, his 29-year-old brother, Chelone, himself a Sochi Olympic hopeful in snowboard cross, died of an apparent seizure stemming from a previous accident.
And when Bode tied for third place in the Super G competition on Sunday, his bronze medal win proved to be extremely emotional. You may have seen that NBC Sports reporter Christin Cooper has taken a lot of heat for ‘pushing’ Bode to talk about his late brother, which brought him to tears. Both NBC and Bode have defended Christin, and to be honest, I have to agree. The interview was right after he won the medal and a lot of emotions were flying high, especially on his part, and she was just doing her job as a reporter.
Anyways, with everything Bode has gone through in the past decade, especially being the ‘bad boy’ of the sport, Sunday’s outpouring of emotion proved that again, he’s only human. Athletes and Olympians are just like us, and many of us can relate to have both the best AND the worst year of your life. Bode’s journey just happened to be projected on the world stage.
Remember watching the Olympics when you were a kid? There was a whole world of possibility! You could watch any sport and wonder whether maybe you had some innate gift for it and would be competing for your country in 20 years.
As you moved through your later childhood and teen years, your dreams had to die bit by bit. You’d realize that you weren’t even the best hockey player on your school’s team, or you’d fail to qualify for regionals in track. Maybe you shot up to a stocky 5’10 and realized you wouldn’t be much of a gymnast. Or maybe you didn’t get that far — maybe, by age 12 or so, you came to realize that you’re just … not athletic.
And yet, every two years – at the summer and winter Olympics – I start to get a little ahead of myself. Just like when I was five years old, I watch the events and wonder if maybe it’s not too late.
Well, friends, I’m here to kill those dreams. I’ve done a little research, and it looks like if you haven’t started most Winter Olympics events by a certain (usually young) age, you’ll never be using “next-level Tinder” in the Olympic village or wearing your country’s weird Cosby/teacher sweater in the Parade of Nations.
Obviously, there are exceptions to all of these. There really are savants who can take up a sport and be at a competitive level right away. There are also some people who are so preternaturally athletic that they’ll excel in any sport you throw at them. Of course, if you’re already skilled in a closely related sport, it’s also not that hard to take up a new one. Generally, though, there are timelines for these things:
Alpine Skiing, Freestyle Skiing, Ski Jumping
I guess with most downhill and … I don’t know, fancy, jump-y?… skiing events, it’s less the exact age that you start, and more that (1) you begin fairly young, and most importantly (2) you ski regularly when you’re young, not just on a once-annual ski vacation. Most Olympians started skiing – at least regular, bunny hill skiing – by the time they were six or seven. A skier could theoretically start later, but most Olympians came from skiing families and their parents weren’t going to wait until they were 11 to put them on the slopes. Coming from a family that skis means that you got to ski regularly during your childhood – and definitely teen – years. A kid whose parents maybe took them to the slopes in sixth grade, then went once a year or so after that, just isn’t going to develop the necessary skills.
Cross Country Skiing, Biathlon, Nordic Combined
The great thing about cross-country skiing is that even very young children can start. It’s tougher than it looks, and competitive-level cross country skiing has massive energy demands and uses pretty much every muscle group. That being said, a very athletically inclined, very fit person could probably begin cross country skiing and move up the competitive ranks even if he or she started in early adulthood – if they were the very rare case, and put a ton of time and effort into it. If you’re interested, the US Ski Team website can point you to USSA Clubs that will introduce you to recreational and competitive Nordic skiing. At the very least, you’ll pick up a fun hobby and work on your fitness.
Bobsleigh
If you’ve followed the US bobsled team this year, you know that track star Lolo Jones joined the team after beginning training just last year. Of course, she falls into the “preternaturally athletic” category, so … you know. But I bet you’ve also seen Cool Runnings, right? If not, what were you doing in the 90s? Find it on Netflix or get it at your local library. Please. Those guys were from Jamaica – so, you know, not the snowiest – and began practicing on dry land. However, like Miss Jones, these fellas were pretty athletic to start with. The real problem with bobsled (bobsleigh, I guess?) is opportunity. You probably don’t have the equipment, training, climate, or local interest to start. But if you can get together all of those things, and are already a strong, fast person, and ideally have citizenship in a country that’s not very competitive about winter sports, you just might make it.
Curling
Curling is the one sport that all of us can look at and think “yep, I can do it.” Truly, you could start curling at a pretty advanced age and make it to the Olympics. It’s not a sport that relies on the sprightliness of youth, and the physical demands don’t require years of conditioning. Nevertheless, there is a certain skill to curling, and it will take a while to develop the knack for it. If you join a local curling club and get serious about it, curling is a sport that doesn’t necessitate childhood training. That doesn’t mean that anyone can do it – just that if you’re going to be good at it, you can start as a grown-up.
Figure Skating
Are you old enough to be reading this post? Like, your mom isn’t reading it aloud to you because you’re still getting Hooked on Phonics? Then you’re probably too old for this one. Most figure skaters took to the ice by – at the latest – upper elementary school (and that’s only if they’re really, naturally good at it). It’s a sport that can put a lot of wear on you, which is why you don’t see a lot of figure skaters competing after their late 20s or early 30s. By their teens, most serious figure skaters are putting in early mornings on the rink, and possibly getting home schooled. True story: when both my sister and I expressed interest in figure skating, my dad brushed us off with “okay, but you’d have to move to Texas to do it.” Why Texas? Who knows. We only wanted to skate for fun, but if you’re a serious competitor, you could easily move cities or states for the sport once you’re in high school. The only scenario I could see where someone could start figure skating in late childhood or early teens is if they already were already a very solid regular skater, and were skilled in dance, acrobatics, or gymnastics besides. And frankly, even that is a stretch.
Ice Hockey
Take it from someone who lives in the cold, white north: most competitive hockey players get really serious, really young. Most hockey players start to skate when they’re really little, and are on teams by the late-single digits. Frequently, hockey players will join competitive regional club teams rather than their high school team. Of course, there can be exceptions. A very good team athlete – maybe at field hockey or soccer – who also knows how to skate very well could maybe join their high school team and get pretty good. That would be a rare case indeed, though. A kid will usually be competing pretty seriously by junior high. However, most of those rag-tag kiddos in The Mighty Ducks hadn’t put on skates before, and they were competing against the best hockey teens in the world, so who knows?
Luge and Skeleton
Sad yet true sign of my misspent college years: while watching the luge competition, I thought to myself “hey, this is just like an ice luge! But with humans!” Then I realized that I’m an idiot. According to the United States Luge Association, there are many levels of team participation, with hundreds of athletes trying out every year. It is best for kids to start luge by age 10, and it generally takes about 8-10 years to develop skills to compete at the international level. British athlete Lizzy Yarnold recently said that you cant start bobsleigh or skeleton until age 16. Evidently skeleton star Amy Williams didn’t begin until she was 19 or 20. The skill set just isn’t as fine-tuned as that for luge.
Snowboard
What I said of skiing is basically true for snowboard. Most athletes start young and practice regularly. The only difference here is that, at least in the past, a lot of snowboarders would start with skiing as kids, then go into snowboard later in their teens, already having developed the center of gravity to, um, get down a mountain okay. That’s changed a bit, and more and more people have begun snowboarding in childhood. Still, a very talented skier could begin boarding as a teen, turn out to have a gift for it, and be at international level by their 20s. In theory. Sometimes. Once again, hitting the slopes twice a year will not get you there.
Speed Skating
In countries where speed skating is a big deal (Hello, Netherlands. You’re made of canals), kids start on the ice practically right after they learn how to walk. If you’re from a less speed skating-heavy country, and are already a darn good skater thanks to figure skating, hockey, or just lots of practice and natural talent, you could put off competing until a little later. Speed skating is a sport of the young, though – the “masters” level starts at age 30. Ouch.
In conclusion, at least there’s still curling, right?
Guys, today is Friday, and that’s usually when I catch up on some personal stuff. Check my inbox, return some e-mails, and of course send some thank you notes. I was running a bit behind, so if you guys don’t mind, I’d like to write my thank you notes right now, that cool? Great.
Rando YouTube guy, can I get some thank you writing music please?
Thank you, Joking Bad,
For making me go crazy over the amount of easter eggs included in this Breaking Bad-inspired digital short. This proved just how dedicated, smart and detailed the LNJF staff is when it comes to making parodies.
Thank you, Funkin’ Gonuts,
For inadvertently making me (a native ‘medium iced french vanilla with cream and sugar’ east coaster) turn my beloved DDs into a solo dance party any time I hear the phrase “Dunkin’ Donuts”
Thank you, A Cappella version of We Can’t Stop,
For making me picture Jimmy’s adorable face everytime I hear “forget the haters because somebody loves yaaaa”.
Thank you, office supply version of Your Body,
For making me like this version better than the original and making me daydream about Jimmy’s hat and dance moves.
Thank you, Brian Williams Gangster Rapper
For making the dreams I never thought I had come true.
Thank you, Evolution of Mom Dancing
For letting my one of my favorite First Ladies show off her Sprinkler and Dougie skills in a matter of minutes.
Thank you, Hurricane Sandy
(But not really thank you), For being so horrible that there was no audience for the show and helping to prove Jim Jam is so talented and funny that he can make what could have been the most disasterous episode into one of the most memorable ever in late night TV.
Thank you, Jersey Floor,
For making me question whether I am DTF with guidos or if it’s just because Jimothy, Tina and Poehlstar made the overtanned/overhairsprayed look legit attractive.
Thank you, 6 Bee,
For finally letting the world see Ron Swanson shimmying to a Twisted Sister song.
For reminding everyone that this theme song was one of the greatest in TV history, despite its utter 90s cheesiness.
Thank you, the men of Full House,
For being so game not only for a rendition of Teddy Bear, but also for this Jesse and the Rippers reunion. It made me feel like I was actually in San Francisco and hanging out at the Smash Club.
Thank you, Mike DiCenzo (aka Mets Bucket Hat Guy),
For being the LNJF staff writer behind this brilliant appearance by Zack Morris. Like the REAL Zack Morris, not Mark Paul Gosselaar. You included dialogue that only true Saved by the Bell fans would get, like referencing Indiana/Good Morning, Miss Bliss, Stansbury ‘The Harvard of the West’, “preppy”, stupid slimeball JEFF, druggie Johnny Dakota, and of course Zack Attack. Basically, I feel like between our mutual love of 90s TV shows and Gilmore Girls, we could be friends. #BabetteAteOatmeal
Thank you, Weekend Update Charades
For bringing together my favorite Weekend Upadte anchors/human beings for the most epic game of charades network TV has ever seen.
For causing me to swoon, literally almost swoon after seeing my beloved JKras mouth the words to I’ll Make Love To You while nearly taking his clothes off. I still CANNOT.
Thank you, Timberweek,
For everything you have been, everything you are, and everything you will be in the future. I miss you every day.
Finally, thank you, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon,
For providing us with five years of constant laughter and unadulterated joy. Good things happen to people who dogood, and that’s exactly what Jimmy and the entire crew of Late Night deserve. While it’s sad to see this era come to a close, I can’t wait to see you blow everyone’s pants off on Monday when you start your journey on the Tonight Show. Thank you, pal.
*Today is not Presidents’ Day. Monday is Presidents’ Day. Today is Lincoln’s Birthday. But we all know all these holidays blend together because we really never know which day is which, we just used to get them off when we were still in school.
But in honor of ALL the presidents of these United States of America, I think it’s also appropriate to celebrate the fictional presidents who have also put in hard work to pretend to be the leader of the free world. I’m sure I’ve missed some on my list, so chime in with some of your favorites!
And Happy Presidents’/Lincoln/Washington’s Birthday Day!
President Thomas J. Whitmore {Bill Pullman}
Independence Day
Independence Day is so American that I bet anyone who’s not American will feel American while they watch this movie. Especially during this epic speech. While it’s unlikely we’ll need a President to get us through an unexpected alien attack in the near future, I want Bill Pullman in charge of an air strike if that day does come. Or he can just give motivational speeches to me every morning instead. That works too. “We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our MONDAY!!”
President Andrew Shepard {Michael Douglas}
The American President
For some reason, The American President was one of the first movies I remember being my favorite ‘grown up’ movie. I was nine when this film came out. Maybe it was the allure of Michael Douglas. Maybe it was the romance between him and Annette Benning. Maybe TBS just kept playing it over and over again and I had no chance but to like it. Either way, Michael Douglas is one of the few actors who is actually really believable as the president, and if he’s romancing a woman while in office, count me in.
President James Marshall {Harrison Ford}
Air Force One
Presidential Badassery at its finest.
The President {Billy Bob Thornton}
Love Actually
Okay, maybe he wasn’t a good guy, but Billy Bob played a smarmy, womanizing, douchey prez and I can’t help but think a lot of our former leaders had a little bit of this guy in them.
President George Richmond {Dabney Coleman}
My Date with the President’s Daughter
Basically this movie is a classic DCom and I unapologetically love it. I mean, Eric Matthews! (sidenote: if anyone is interested in watching other DComs like Model Behavior & Life Size it’s all on YouTube, per my research for this clip. I know what I’ll be doing on Valentine’s Day)
President Fitzgerald Grant {Tony Goldwyn}
Scandal
It’s no secret we’re #Gladiators here. So what’s a list of faux presidents without our favorite adulterous Commander-in-Chief? He may have a lot of faults, and may not be the best pres the U.S. has seen, but Shonda Rhimes & co. are brilliant and make you root for a man who’s not only married and having an affair, but his wife knows about it and he STILL pretty much ignores her and their kids. And lest us forget he has also **SPOILER** killed a Supreme Court Justice, who was already on her death bed dying of cancer. But ugh, crisis, because Olitz scenes are 2 hot 4 TV.
Yet the scene above doesn’t involve any handsy moves by the pres. It’s a flashback scene which reminds us why these two fell in love in the first place. They’re no dumb dumbs. They’re independently smart and bring out the best in each other. Without Olivia’s faith in Fitz – the faith he never had in himself – he would have never won the presidency (election rigging aside). And without the dedication and devotion he constantly gives to her, she would have never been able to open up and love a man like Fitz (thanks to her Daddy Pope problems). So I guess all cheating aside, this apparent ‘love’ is what makes us (sometimes begrudgingly) root for them after all.
President Josiah ‘Jed’ Bartlet {Martin Sheen}
The West Wing
You didn’t think I’d make a list without the best TV president, did you? He had too many great moments on the show, from the Butterball hotline to the time he *another spoiler alert* got shot to the time he was high on drugs to the time he walked to the Hill, to the entire Two Cathedrals episode etc. etc. But this particular clip is from an episode called The Midterms which originally aired in 2000. He basically tells off this conservative radio talk show host in a tactful, humorous, ‘don’t disrespect me bc i’m the GD president’ way and it’s this attitude that won him two terms in fake office.
It’s finally here – the opening ceremony of the 2014 Winter Olympic Games! As two Olympics-obsessed bloggers, we could not let the occasion go by without a live blog. Join us at 7:30 EST for what is promised to be a magical journey through 1000 years of Russian history, followed by athletic people walking in stupid national outfits.
This live blog will have everything you could possibly want, from Hunger Games analogies, to a Spot The Gay Propaganda contest, to fun facts about your favorite and not-so-favorite athletes — so do yourself a favor and come back tonight! And be sure to follow us on Twitter during the ceremonies – @cookiessangria – for all the snark and fangirling that we can fit into 140 or fewer characters.
PS: Keep refreshing this page every 5 to 10 minutes or so for live updates!
ANNNDDD WE’RE OFF!
M: We open with shots of Russia, which looks so much warmer than it is here (in upstate NY). Suck it, Russia.
Highlights: those Russian dolls, ballerinas, VODKA, some sort of marmalade, snow, giant furry hats, soldiers goose-stepping… you know, the stuff you’d expect.
A voiceover informs us that “snow has become the (something) of the young.” I obviously missed a word there but I assume that it was something like “sworn enemy” or “thorn in the side,” if my experience is worth anything.
Who knows what the skater is who “skates like her name is her destiny?” If I skated like my name was my destiny, my name would have to be something like Always Falling or maybe Dolores. (Because Dolores means ‘pains.)
After that 7-minute intro, I feel like the kid in the theater when I went to see The Lion King in 1994, who asked “is it over?” at the end of the long-ass Circle Of Life Thing, when Rafiki lifted Simba up on pride rock.
Katie Couric is freezing. Bitch, you’re from New York. Wear a coat.
T: DID A WATCH COMMERCIAL ALMOST MAKE ME CRY? LIKE AN ACTUAL COMMERCIAL SELLING AN OMEGA WATCH. Ugh, the Olympics, I can’t.
M: They’re talking to Barack Obama! Aww Bummer. Billie Jean King isn’t there because her mom isn’t well, but they do bring up our favorite feature of the US Olympic tactic: our Coalition of our Finest Gay Athletes.
Speaking of which: gay athlete dream teams. Mine would definitely have Boitano and Billie Jean King, and I think I’m going to add Abby Wambach on there, definitely Jason Collins. Greg Louganis is gay, right?
T: Re: Pres Obama’s gay athletes speech, I’m just gonna leave this here.
M: How many of those tiny American flag lapel pins do you think Obama has? Just one that he rotates a lot? Or is it like when they’d show Doug Funnie’s closet, and he has a whole drawer full of the same thing?
T: I’d like to imagine he’s akin to Doug Funnie.
“We like to smile once in a while” Barry O throwing slight shade at Russian politicians.
M: Vladimir Putin makes that Freshman Boy In The First Row Of The Football Picture face, probably. Because that’s the manliest face I can think of.
T: If you missed it last night, Bob Costas explained that he has an infection in his left eye, which is why he’s wearing his glasses.
In other news, this is why I love the internet:
M: We’re talking to Maria Sharapova, who evidently used to live in Sochi. She’s revisiting her childhood favorites, including the Sochi Circus. I call shenanigans. Nobody likes the circus. Particularly not this circus, which has horrible dancing clowns and bears. Amazing somebody who was exposed to such horrifying Soviet Circuses in their formative years would grow up to be so normal with such a cute sweaters.
Also: “I’m going to become a roly-poly!” is my new favorite exclamation while eating some crazy sort of dinner.
Google docs just asked if by “horrifying” I meant “terrifying.” I MEANT WHAT I MEANT GOOGLE.
M: Gracie Gold was just interviewed. She looks like a porcelain doll.
T: J.R. CELSKIIIIIIIIIII MY BOY!!!!! FILIPINO PRYDE Y’ALL!!!
OK, He’s like tooooo young, but still so cute!
M: Is he the one they just called the “new Apolo Anton Ohno?” Because our 15-year-old selves might have a thing or to to say about that. [Readers: we had weird crushes on AAO during the Salt Lake City games, during an era when we were probably supposed to be into Justin Guarini or Aaron Carter.]
T: Yes, Yes he is. I wouldn’t say our AAO crushes were ‘weird’ PER SE. But I will share this excerpt from my LIVEJOURNAL of a brief convo Molly & I had on AIM around the ‘02 Olympics/AAO Fever.
M: Hey, as long as what you’re sharing isn’t a photo of us in the early 2000s, playing MASH in study hall with AAO as the ‘husband,’ that’s cool.
OH HEYY now you can all go back in time and instant message me on AIM!
T: Also: NEVER FORGET. AAO 4EVER IN OUR HEARTS
M: Speak of the ANGEL, AAO is a correspondent. He looks remarkably smooth faced. Was that creepy of me? Whatever. The soul patch is still there, though. The only thing worse than that facial hair configuration is the fact that it’s called a ‘soul patch.’’
ok this opening video with the creepy girl:
0:03 The montage opens with a small child, because every Olympics ever (well, London, Beijing, Sydney, off the top of my head) does that. It’s to remind us of a time when there was hope for the future, meaning that our chances of being an elite athlete hadn’t been dashed yet. By the age of 10 or so, it’s probably too late. Well, except with curling.
0:21 Oh no. They just mentioned the ABCs. Please tell me they’re not doing all of them?? How many letters does the Cyrillic alphabet have? Probably too many.
I was promised the history of Russia, so I’m waiting for the part when Rasputin does sketchy things with the Romanovs then turns into a bat (I last saw the Anastasia movie like 15 years ago, ok?), and also the Cold War. Oooh. I wonder how they’ll do Cold War? The Bolshevik revolution will be pretty cool, I bet.
Unless you’re royalty, of course.
0:31 Going from context clues here… is bychal water? Because hate to break it to you, Russia, but we have water.
0:44 RASPUTIN!!! … No. Wait. That was Dostoyevsky. Potato, Potahto. Same beard.
Old Russia wasn’t real big on beard conditioners I guess. That frizz.
0:55 Hedgehog in the Fog, in case you’re wondering, is a weirdly beautiful animated movie that was used to terrify small Soviet children.
Meanwhile in North America, children watch, like, Caillou and stuff.
CORN MOVING MACHINE? You’re reaching, Sochi.
RUSSIAN EMPIRE? Guys. One of your “things about Russia” can’t be Russia. Try again.
Also, does anyone know how far we are into the alphabet now? All of the letters look like drunk versions of letters I already know, so I don’t really have a handle on it.
1:20 Ahh, Kandinsky. You may know him from that one poster everyone had in their freshman year dorm. Not the black and white one with two girls making out. The other one.
1:41 Nabokov. Actually, let’s talk about Nabokov for a second. He’s probably one of my favorite writers, but there’s something a little unsettling about a prepubescent girl mentioning the author of Lolita, no? Also, “gay propaganda” (read: non-negative mentions of gay people) is outlawed, but the guy who brought us Humbert Humbert is one of the top 26-ish things about your country?
[Before anyone complains, I totally understand that Lolita doesn’t sanction pedophilia and I think it’s among the most influential fiction of the 20th century… but seriously Russia?]
1:55 They just did “space station,” which is about the 5th space thing we’ve done. We get it, Russia. You win. You win the Space Race. But that was 60 years ago, and now the medal race is on, bitches!
However: I do see how Russia dealt with the Cold War now. Good work, fellas.
2:00 SPUTNIK. Okay, guys.
2:05 Khokhloma – going on context, is it flower-print fabric? The -oma ending makes me think it may be some sort of cancer. I’m terribly sorry, Russia. You have khokhloma.
2:45 I truly and completely thought that Chagall was French. Ugh. Someone take me to a museum.
3:01 Nice little Ruslan and Ludmila reference there with the cat for Pushkin. Are we already past the part of the alphabet that has those nesting dolls or fancy eggs? Because those are two of my favorite stereotypical Russian things.
BRILLIANT.
3:11 LOVE? We have that too, Russia. That’s not a Russian thing. What is a Russian thing, though, is the mushroom cloud they use to illustrate love. Is that what Russian valentines are like? “You must be Chernobyl, because you catalyzed a policy of glasnost in my heart.” Also by my counts, Russia only acknowledges like … 75, 80% of love? Not a good enough track record to merit mention in the Olympics intro.
3:25 I’d like to point out that that was Eisenstein, the Russian director, that they just named, not Einstein, the German physicist. I see what you tried to do there, Russia.
3:37 And the last thing in the Russian alphabet is Russia! There are children wearing t-shirts spelling out Russia. Hope they’re standing in the right order.
M: This little girl is a “fearless acrobat.” No shit. She is flying through the air. The competitions haven’t started yet, but I think I have my Olympic hero.
We’re still at the “volcano and a lone horse” part of Russia’s history” so I think we have a while to get to the Space Race and stuff.
And does anyone remember the London opening ceremony? It looked a lot like this, down to the life-sized rustic village.
T: Definitely. Less ice, more grass.
Ok so I was briefly doing some research on the opening ceremony before our liveblog and this epic fail came up everywhere. Kinda wish I wasn’t spoiled for that but LOLZ to the max IRL.
“They waited for seven long years and this is what they’ve been waiting for this is where the olympics belong… This is what happens when youre this ambitious in a show like this.” THE SHADE MATT LAUER THE SHADE
M: Matt Lauer didn’t even TRY. Somebody’s still mad that he had to hide under his desk during nuclear bomb drills in grammar school. THANKS RUSSIA.
Also, these rings, even the ones that did open, look like those fake tattoo chokers/armbands that you could buy at The Icing or in vending machines in the early 2000s.
M Vladimir Putin looks a lot less manly when he’s wearing an overcoat and isn’t wrestling a rabid bear or whatever.
Is this the Russian national anthem? It’s been going on for like 10 minutes. I’ve been making up fake lyrics and singing along. Sample lyrics: “inside my staaacking dolls my vodka is theeere/ I drink it, I drink it, / I’m COLD!” Clearly I don’t remember much about Russia from all those Poli Sci courses.
T: Did that go on like a tad too long? Our National Anthem is like a minute long. that doll stacking song was approx 10. (okay, like 5)
M: Lauer just promised “Razmatazz”. Gay propaganda alert! By the way, we’ll be documenting instances of Gay Propaganda as they occur. Nice try, Russia. But congrats on all the Space you’ve been doing.
So, the athletes are entering in Cyrillic Alphabetical Order.
T: I’m loving this technology that makes it look like the athletes are coming out of their country from a projected map on the floor. HOWEVER, I feel like this is going to make the country intros very long…
T: What in the actual fuck are those lady volunteers holding the country names wearing? LADY GAGA??? GAY PROPAGANDA.
M: They’re obviously the Capitol residents of this Hunger Games.
Why hasn’t Andorra won an Olympic medal yet? Their knit woolens look so cozy and winter-y!
M: Let’s talk about all this techno for a second. I don’t think techno is a term any more. It’s like when old ladies call tv shows “programs” or “stories.” So this “house music,” whatever.
WAIT. Instead let’s talk about Bermuda’s bermuda shorts and knee socks. Brrrrr.
T: Is it embar that it didn’t occur to me until now that the country of Bermuda was the namesake/inspiration for BERMUDA SHORTS. Ugh.
M: Nope. Just occurred to me as well. Literally thought “why are they wearing Bavarian short pants?”
M: Hey, everyone. How’s your self-esteem? Pretty good? You feel like an okay, human-looking person? Well don’t look at the Brazil coalition, then. Damn Brazil. Their country’s main export is Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriends.
T: Oh Venezuelan flag holder is NOT kidding around and he is literally jumping around waving the flag. You do you, Venzeuela.
M: He’s like the Roberto Benigni of flag wavers.
Life IS Beautiful, y’all.
M: Germany. GAY PROPAGANDA. Their uniform is a rainbow.
T: And Meredith Veira REALLY wants you to know that. NOT gay propaganda (probs gay propaganda)
M: I realize I probably called Meredith Veira Katie Couric earlier. In my defense, white ladies all look the same.
T: “If you’re asking yourself, ‘Are there any athletes competing from Staten Island, New York?’
NO ONE WAS WONDERING THAT, MATT LAUER. NO ONE IS EVER WONDERING THAT.
M: Also Matt Lauer, I think that the Israel people can stand near the Iran people. We’re all grownups here, it’s not like Israel stole Iran’s prom date and now they’re both invited to a mutual friend’s Sweet 16.
IRELAND. Step up your game. It’s called the emerald isle, not the baby-poop-green isle.
T: Are we to assume all Spainards are in Gryffindor, per their uniforms?
M: Yes, Spaniards are automatically sorted into Gryffindor.
M: And is it just me, or is Russia trying its hardest to make its image be “country run entirely by Slytherins?” I know you’re not all like that, Russia. Let your Hufflepuff out.
M: Aww Canada. Look at your toggle coats and toques. Makes me want to get a double-double from Timmy Ho’s and watch a Leafs game. (Hi, I basically live in Canada).
T: Legit said, ‘WHOA’ outloud when I saw a sea of Canadians. Robin Sparkles would be so proud.
M: In case you missed it, there are three French-Canadian sisters competing in skiing (or something like that) and I’ve basically decided that they’re the Haim of winter sports.
M: Latvia = Hufflepuff. There we go.
T: All we need are the Ravenclaws.
M: Greece? But no. Their shade of blue isn’t studious enough.
I’m sure everyone watching has already noticed this, but there’s a crawl along the bottom of the screen that shows you what countries are coming up so you know whether you have time to go get a snack or use the bathroom. I just noticed it.
M: “It’s a good time to bring Apolo Ohno back in” —> First smart thing Matt Lauer has said all night.
M: Mexico’s flag guy is, among other things, a pop singer known as “Andy Himalaya.” THAT WAS A TRUE THING THEY JUST SAID. He hung out with Andy Warhol.
T: That’s like Hannah Montana shit right there. Or more like if Cher decided to compete in the Olympics in like… lip-syncing and woman who most looks like a drag queen competitions.
M: I just decided my Andy Himalaya/ Hannah Montana name is going to be Molly Malawi. Also I see what you did with the gay propaganda there.
T: The guy from Nepal admitted he’s going to place last in cross country skiing… That’s the spirit!
M: Fun fact: I help teach English to a class that’s like 50% people from Nepal. Not a ONE of them gives a shit about the Olympics. Glad it goes for the athletes from there as well.
T: No. NO. Why would you ever use Sia’s Breathe Me in a commercial? I IMMEDIATELY START CRYING WHEN I HEAR THAT SONG. Thanks, Six Feet Under.
M: I was going to ask if it was for Six Feet Under reasons or just because of like, life feelings. Glad you clarified. And I agree.
T: I thought the show itself was meh, but it’s all worth it for that last like 10 minutes. And by ‘worth it’ I mean, ‘an ending that will make you cry like you’ve never cried before and think about your life and life choices and question everything’, then yeah, worth it.
M: Considering I’m the kind of person who will wake up in the morning and my first, fleeting thought will be something like “one day, me and everyone I love will grow old, if we’re lucky, and eventually nobody will know we existed”… I do NOT need to watch or think about that montage ever again. Thank God we’re back to the athletes in silly costumes and the ladies dressed like church windows carrying the country signs.
T: Matt Lauer just described the Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding controversy in ‘94 “colorful”. Well that’s one way to put it.
M: Who are those two people dressed as human snowballs doing the “push it” dance? Just randos? Okay.
Poland seems to have an 11-and-a-half year old competing, judging by her braces. Ugh, youth.
M: Slovakia’s flag guy is roughly 7 feet tall. Meanwhile, my grandmother was Slovak and I’m so small that a bus driver thought I was a middle school student the other day. Not fair, but now I know which ancestors I can’t blame for my height issues.
T: Oh man I just got the chills. USA! USA! USA! I’m just gonna say it: Shaun White is hot now. The red carrot (or whatever the hell we were calling him in 2010) had the horrible hair but he looks sooo non-douchey now!
M: You can order Gracie Gold for 3 monthly payments of 39.99 from the Ashton Drake collection.
I am SO BUMMED for the girl who broke her leg yesterday, but I’m glad she made it to walk with the team. See, this is the real reason I’m not usually a huge sports person. When they showed the losing team at the end of the Superbowl, I had tears in my eyes. Basically our collective cry count for these games is going to be off the charts.
M: Anyone know who the athlete is with the enviable, Ron Swanson-y mustache? Or the lady with the Zooey Deschanel bangs? Or the one with the dip-dyed Gay Propaganda rainbow hair? This all makes me love America so much.
M: Chinese Taipei (read: Taiwan)’s uniforms are those big jackets they give you when you go on The Maid Of The Mist in Niagara Falls
T: Matt Lauer Fun Fact #205: There is no word for ‘ski’ in the Timor dialect.
M: Ukraine’s uniform looks like camo for if you were trying to hide in a field of Vera Bradley bags.
Finland is also hoping to catch a glimpse of the falls on The Maid of the Mist. Fun Fact: The Canadian side is better.
T: Go Philippines! I totally missed how many Filipino athletes there are. It’s very Cool Runnings to see them at the winter games.
M: Do you have any idea what they’re competing in? A Cool Runnings thing is possible, but I could sort of see the Philippines having like figure skating prodigies.
T: No idea. Let’s say biathalon. Or like… winter table tennis. Not a real sport.
M: Not YET. They just said those dancing snowball vest people have been dancing nonstop for the past hour. They zeroed in on one guy who looked like Rory and Lorelai Gilmore at the end of that dance marathon. Rough gig.
Matt Lauer just told us that YOLO means “ you only live once.” Shut up, Lauer.
M: Jamaican Bobsled Team!! We love them so much. I just want to give them all a hug (mostly, that one guy near the front could basically do whatever) (I mean what?).
T: ^What she said. Every word.
Okay, I’m saying it now: I want to go to Tokyo, 2020. Maybe by then I’ll be (34 YEARS OLD HOLY SHIT) and have enough funds and time off to go to Japan.
M: You know what? We’ve both been obsessed with the Olypics since like 1996. I think both of us need to make it happen at some point. By this point it’s safe to say we’ll never get there as athletes. Not that that was ever an option. I’m surprised I never failed gym.
ICYMI, the Russian men are wearing these light blue shearling-lined jackets with red slacks. I like it. The Russian women are dressed like Santa Clauses.
M: Now they’re doing the history of Russia thing. Really good production values. We’ve seen some Jesus-looking people, villagers, now we’re in powdered wig times. And we skipped right to some clean-cut Bolsheviks. Didn’t really get into that messy Romanov stuff. Basically bypassed World War II and the yuckier parts of the Soviet era. Saw some guys building bridges. And here we are today.
T: Apparently all (if not most) of these actors in the History of Russia video are super popular actors in the country. Can we just have the Games back in the U.S. so I can see a montage of Poehler as Martha Washington, Idris Elba as MLK Jr., Bryan Cranston as Walter White??
M: Tina Fey as Betsy Ross, Jennifer Lawrence as Eleanor Roosevelt, Oprah as herself…
T: WAIT GUYS. I saw this on Tumblr earlier and did I miss it or did NBC just fail to show this?!
M: I mean… it looks like that scene from Parks and Rec when they try to walk across the ice. Why didn’t we get to hear Matt Lauer’s opinions about that?
One of the greatest moments in TV history
Our girl Elisavetta/ Lubov is back. This child is going to have weird-assed dreams for the rest of her LIFE thanks to this. As in, I still sometimes dream that I’m back in a childhood production of something like Meet Me In St Louis and have to know all of my lines from 20 years ago. Imagine these visuals all up in your subconscious.
M: I cannot deal with this ship on the ocean thing that’s projected on the floor. It looks like a beautiful woodcut illustration. Okay, Russia. Good work.
There’s more goose-stepping, so if you’re drinking when you see a Russian stereotype you can go ahead.
T: The projections are so good I didn’t know if this Russian army of fake band players was real or not.
M: Now you have me wondering if everything has been a projection. It’s like the first Olympic games to take place in the Matrix.
T: THE PERSON WHO DESIGNED THE COSTUMES FOR THE MATRIX DESIGNED THE COSTUMES FOR THIS BALLET PORTION.
M: Consider my mind blown! This segment is probably a big part of my Olympics love. It’s technically a sports event, but I get to watch ballet and such. This War and Peace segment is just beyond.
M: And Russia REALLY out-Russias itself, with an ominous depiction of a “propaganda train,” which travelled delivering Bolshevik literature to peasants. Maybe Russia is a lot better than the U.S. at acknowledging ugly parts of their history? I mean we held our Olympics in ATLANTA for goodness sake, and I think our presentation of U.S. history was just like “we had an awesome revolution, and then we had some westward expansion, and now we’re AMERICA!”
[Obvi there are pros and cons of the changes wrought by the Bolshevik revolution but this is mostly a live blog with jokes and gifs, so…. that stuff is other places on the internet.]
T: I’m just thinking that that “propaganda train” is really making the Hunger Games parallel to new heights.
M: Yeah is this like a district 3 sort of thing with this manufacturing and cars and stuff? Are these Olympics the one where they make all of the old retired Olympians come back to compete?
T: Tick Tock This Arena’s a clock… (For those keeping score, we’re already mentioned Harry Potter, The Hunger Games and Roberto Benigni so far. Just to remind you what kind of blog we are.)
M: Just so we’re clear, the rush to the cauldron (it’s a cornucopia, don’t kid yourselves) is going to be BRILLIANT. My money’s still on USA but who knows, maybe Latvia’s scrappy this year.
T: Definitely sending J.R. Celski a sponsor gift…
T: You know, if Meredith, Matt, and rando guy I didn’t pay attention to who it was, weren’t telling us about the explanations of what’s happening and the history, I honestly think I’d be pretty lost. Not just for this opening ceremony, but for all across the board. Or like, just not have enough historical knowledge to understand why a giant steam train is flying in over head or why a little girl is floating in the air.
M: At the very beginning, they showed a portrait of some kind of queen, and my first thought was “hey, wasn’t she the one who died banging a horse?” so I’m right at your level. By the way, that story’s like a 300-year-old urban legend. Also, don’t Google “queen dying banging a horse”. Nothing good will come of it.
Russia has a low age of death for men, so Putin wants the birth rate to go up. Wait what? As a general rule, it’s best not to talk about a country’s official birth policies if you want them to seem all fun and charming.
Fun Fact: this Olympic chairman was born and raised in Michigan. This is just his Russian guy impression.
T: Update date on the Filipino athlete: His name is Michael Christian Martinez, he’s 17, a figure skater, and the first person to represent the Philippines since 1992!
M: Awww, he wasn’t even born then!
M: Can somebody transcribe this speech? On one hand it sounds like he’s seriously sticking it to Russia about the whole homophobia thing, but there was some nebulous wording in there. It sounds like he just said that we should not use the athletes to further our human rights agendas. He’s correct, of course. We should use them to sell shoes and cereal instead. Thank goodness we have these weird dancing jellyfish costumes now so we don’t have to think too hard.
T: I look away for like 2 minutes and suddenly it’s Finding Nemo on Ice out there.
M: Are they even dancing anymore, or just twirling around in their weird rope-light skirts?
T: Russia’s all, ‘we have your attention now. we showed you our propaganda train. we’re gonna do whatever the fuck we want now. that’s how it works in this country.’
Also, I feel like we need to pick who our potential Olympic crushes are this year. 2012 was all about Nathan Adrian:
M: How did I let myself forget about that? I’m guessing there will be some kind of muscly, attractive speed-skater? Or a skier? Sometimes the snowboarders can trend a little bro -y.
I’m sorry. Did they rent Cinderella from the Magic Kingdom of Euro Disney? Aww shoot. She’s singing that damn song.
T: But really, is this a traditional Russian ball gown? Hold up – Anastasia, she was Russian, right?
M: Yeah. RIP. (… or IS she r’ing in p?). Did Russia dress this lady like the dead Romanovs just to show that’s what they can do if they don’t like you?
This damn song. It doesn’t even have a discernible melody.
M: Yes, Russia. Yes. Congratulations on outer space.
M: On the serious, my inner six-year-old really wants these Lisa Frank jackets all of the torch passers have.
T: The fourth person to get the torch, Alina Kabaeva, is romantically linked to Putin. Please refer to the unicorn picture above for my reaction to this.
M: Whaaaat? I guess this shouldn’t be surprising.
You know, for a bunch of world-class athletes, everyone is jogging SOOOO SLOW.
T: Seriously. But also, this is why they have athletes do it. If you asked me to carry it (which, I mean I would), I’d still be near the Tron-like dancers taking my time and walking that shit at a leisurely pace.
Wasn’t there a year where there were problems with the torch lighting? Or is that just my constant fear every opening ceremony?
M: That definitely happened. Or maybe I’m thinking of the candles on most birthday cakes I’ve had instead. But I think it happened.
T: Ok there are like 10 minutes left – what happened to lesbian duo t.A.T.u??? I’ve been waiting all night to post this song that was a hit in 2002. By hit I mean, made the rounds on my mix tapes.
M: I think we have to seize the day. We have to post it now. But really, where is t.a.t.u? I saw them wearing weird plaid things on tumblr, I know they’re there.
T: Okay, apparently it’s not being aired in the U.S., only internationally. I mean come on, dozens of fans stateside are throwing their nesting dolls at the tv right now. But you can kinda watch it here.
M: Basically throwing a rotten Faberge egg at Putin right now. Or whoever is responsible for this. Was it you, Lauer? It was, wasn’t it?
On that note, Lauer’s calling it a night, Viera’s calling it a night, even Putin’s calling it a night (with his rumored paramore??), so we are too.
Thanks for joining us and keep an eye out for Olympic posts for the next couple of weeks. We’re covering a few sports and some fun other winter games-themed posts too!
THE OLYMPICS START TOMORROW! THE OLYMPICS START TOMORROW!!!
Here’s a little known fact I don’t think Molly nor I have ever touched upon in this blog: we love the Olympics. Like straight up obsessed. In fact, the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics (read: Apolo Anton Ohno) was one of the bonding experiences we had in high school. Needless to say, we’re excited about the start of the Sochi Olympics on Friday.
So to prep you for the next couple of weeks, here’s a guide on what you will probably notice first whilst watching the Opening Ceremony on Friday: the official outfits.
For example: This is what you have to look forward to from Norway in the coming weeks:
Say hello to the Norwegian curling team. No, this is not a joke. Yes, those are their real uniforms.
Don’t believe me?
This is what the team wore when they won their silver medal in Vancouver in 2010. Like, they went up on the podium like that as they were handed the world’s second best prize in men’s curling.
But this is just the beginning.
Unfortunately, the Norwegians aren’t the only ones who are forced to wear hideous attire as they represent their homelands. And while it may hurt our eyes while we watch the athletes parade around the Olympics, it’s totally worth it to see what kind of getups the folks are wearing these days.
Like this outfit volunteers in Sochi have to wear:
I know Russia can be a little behind the times and all, but this looks straight up from a 1992 TGIF sitcom
And America, doing it big with Ralph Lauren:
So before we get our first glimpse of what ‘hot Olympic fashion trends’ are like during the Opening Ceremony tomorrow, here’s a look back at some of the absolute worst throughout the years.
USA {Rome 1960}
1960: The year we were really into barbershop quartets. Specifically the hats.
Canada {Sapporo 1972}
Listen up, Canada. We get that you like to tout the fact that -30 degree weather is like your summer, but put some damn pants on.
USA {Sarajevo 1984}
Nothing says America like dressing up the athletes in cowboy outfits that looks like Ennis Del Mar in Brokeback Mountain. They wore almost the exact same thing four years earlier in Lake Placid. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO QUIT YOU, SHEEPSKIN JACKETS.
Australia {Barcelona 1992}
Yup, that’s 1992 alright.
Canada {Barcelona 1992}
Come on Canada, you’re better than this. Bonus for the fanny packs though. ’92’s opening ceremony looks totally rad.
Canada {Lillehammer 1994}
Well, apparently Canada is NOT better than this. I think the designer thought they were making uniforms for athletes in communist Russia.
Japan {Sydney 2000}
Do Japanese people have pride parades? If so, that’s probably where they got these outfits.
Japan {Athens 2004}
I mean, could you BE anymore Asian.
France {Beijing 2008}
Uh, can you can be more Asian. What’s up with the sumo belts, Frenchies?
Poland {Beijing 2008}
Fun Fact: All of Poland’s athletes from this Olympics were rhythmic gymnasts. Another Fun Fact: The preceding fact is false.
Hungary {Beijing 2008}
To me, these outfits scream, ‘DON’T FORGET US. WE’RE A REAL COUNTRY TOO’. Shhhhh Hungary. Shhhhhhh.
Czech Republic {Vancouver 2010}
If you stare at the pants long enough it turns into a Magic Eye illusion
Ukraine {London 2012}
Ukrainians: We’re two wild and crazyy guyyssss
Great Britain {London 2012}
The Brits secretly stole these from ABBA’s costume museum in Sweden.
Czech Republic {London 2012}
What I’ve learned from this is that the Czechs basically need a new designer. Who thinks, ‘You know what would make these better? BLUE PATENT LEATHER BOOTS!’
I admit: I used to be against Snapchat. I fell under the category of ‘People Who Use This Photo App Are Narcissistic And Only Share Naked Pix Of Themselves.’
I soon learned this was false. I mean I’m sure people still do this, but for me, it’s not about that.
For me, it’s about keeping in touch with friends near and far, sharing interesting, fun, stupid parts of your day with them. And okay, maybe it’s also because I take a lot of pix and if I want to send a ridic screenshot of a TV show and draw on it, I can just send it and not have it impede on my phone’s storage. But it’s mostly about strengthening relationships, etc.
Case in point, here is my friend Brian (who has also been a guest blogger for us!). He lives in my old stomping grounds in Boston, while I live 3,000 miles away in LA.
We send Snapchats to each other of us making pizza cones or taking selfies or like passed out from being drunk. However, I like to think he is wayyyy more creative and adept at using the paint tool than I am. Here are just a few of his pieces of art that are just extraordinary.
But Brian isn’t the only one who gets creative with Snapchat. Here are a few other folks I found on the internetz who are lit’rally making a simple app a venue for their works of art. Also, comedy.
Put yo hands in the ayyerr if you’s a true smurffff
We’ve hit the point of the social media popularity curve with Instagram where it’s well known enough to be referenced in pop culture and everyone knows what it is. You know, at first, new social media sites/apps are unknown, except for the early adopters who have already been using it for the past 6 months. Then it starts getting more users and then slowly but surely it’s the hottest new app around.
That being said, Instagram’s been around long enough that there are certain photos that repeatedly show up on the feeds. Those photos that are so over done that they’ve become cliches, and maybe definitely they need to stop. I’m just saying we should get creative with the photos we take in our lives and want to publicly broadcast to the world. Life’s too short to be wasting it on horrible pictures, y’all.
Pictures of the “Moon”
Whenever there is a full moon – especially if it seems larger than usual – people try taking pictures of it with their iPhones. Here’s a news flash – it’s not going to come out the way you think, so just don’t bother posting it. When you look at the shot after you take it, don’t you think – ‘Hey, this just looks like a blob in the sky?’ No? Okay, well do that moving forward.
is that a street light? no one knows.
Where even is the moon in this
Selfies in the Mirror
Look, I’m not saying I’ve never done this before, because I definitely have. I just don’t post them in a public forum. Often times, they come out blurry or you just end up looking like a douche.
This was taken this week, not 1995 like his bucket hat might suggest.
OR YOU COULD BE A 70-YEAR-OLD EX-TALK SHOW HOST WHO IS MISTREATING THE #SELFIE HASHTAG. DAMNIT GERALDO.
Food that’s not appetizing
“Iceberg wedge with homemade Russian dressing. Perfect salad for the onion soup lunch”
Again, I am totally guilty of posting pix of my food on Insta. But I make sure that it at least looks so good that you want to crawl through the phone to eat it. Just don’t follow suit like Martha Stewart.
“Foie gras walnut brioche. Delicious by Kristen Kishinev” Um is that even food
“Pickerel. In a spicy tomato based broth. A varied menu. No choice. Just chef directed. Very good edulis” You know what’s worse than horrible looking food? Horrible looking food when it’s blurry.
Blurry Shots
DOUBLE WHAMMY
Speaking of which, I never understood why people post pix that aren’t blurry. I’m not talking tilt-shift, I’m talking so blurry that you can’t really tell what it is.
i mean why
is this an amusement park ride
Inspirational quotes that make no sense
This is a trend commonly found amongst teenagers, although I see people my age doing it too (albeit not as hokey and stupid). But really, if you ever find a teenage girl’s Insta (which sounds creepy & weird but it happens) I swear you’ll find at least 10 of these.
#FirstWorldProblems
Don’t forget this one, okay
i write for a living but i’m pretty sure that this isn’t english.
Cookies + Sangria 