Playlist of the Month: Best TV Theme Songs

Posted in Entertainment by Cookies + Sangria

It’s been a trend as of late for shows to skip theme songs in favor of the extra 30 seconds to 1:30 minutes of extra episode time. Remember when Grey’s Anatomy had an actual theme song? They gave up on that and now it’s just the white title screen. Elsewhere in Shondaland, Scandal just goes on a 3 second shutter speed sound so we can watch more of Fitz & Olivia argue why they can’t be together then immediately make up (and make out).

Back in the day, theme songs were more of a prominent fixture in TV culture, and as much a part of the show as the scenes in the program itself. TV theme songs were the equivalent of old movies putting all the credits in the beginning of the film so you saw all the cast & crew prior to the start, rather than the end. And while this practice of creating catchy, memorable and good tunes isn’t as much of a priority as it used to be, we still can’t forget the classics, and that’s why we’re throwing it back to our fave TV theme songs over the years.

Traci’s Picks

Friday Night Lights

Friday Night Lights Theme by W.G. Snuffy Walden

In general, Friday Night Lights is an emotional show. It will make you laugh, cry, feel frustrated with Julie Taylor and elated when the Panthers win a game. Like with all Jason Katims-run shows, he incorporates music into the fabric of the storyline, and it never takes you out of the scene when one of composer W.G. Snuffy Walden’s instrumentals start swell during one of these forementioned emotional moments. As any FNL fan can tell you, hearing the first few notes of this theme song will make you feel all the feels, despite it not even having lyrics. But that’s how powerful it is – it doesn’t even need them. Also, it’s worth noting that this is my current ringtone, so it makes me feel the feels of not wanting to pick up phone calls.

Growing Pains

As Long as We’ve Got Each Other by B.J. Thomas & Jennifer Warnes

I watched Growing Pains off and on when I was a kid, and I can kind of tell you the basics of the show. However, one thing I can recite to you from memory is the theme song. It’s a classic 1980s jam that was sung by Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head singer B.J. Thomas and (I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life star Jennifer Warnes. It has the sappy 90s family feel perfect for the show, and perfect for me to play on loop in 2015.

All That

All That by TLC

We talked about this during SNICK Week, but this song still holds up. As soon as you hear, “Fresh out the box…”, it brings you back to sitting on your couch and watching Nickelodeon, ready to laugh at some jokes from the best sketch comedy show for kids to grace the TV. Yeah, it was a great theme song, but in general, it was a track that could’ve been a radio hit, too.

The Nanny

The Nanny Named Fran by Ann Hampton Callaway

Besides the extreme catchiness of this song, the best part about it is the fact that it tells you the premise of the show before every episode. Like just in case you tuned in for the first time and were wondering what a brash lady from Queens was doing in a Manhattan mansion, no need to worry because Ann Hampton Callaway (and fans of The Nanny everywhere) can sing her origin story to you in a flash.

The Mary Tyler Moore Show

Love Is All Around by Sonny Curtis

This song sounds so dated and I just love it that much more. I was one of those kids who watched The Mary Tyler Moore Show at Nick at Nite, and this song is as embedded in my brain as All That and Pretty Little Liars. It’s a song of joy, positivity, and a sets up a strong female character – much like another Unbreakable female on this list.

Honorable Mentions:

Perfect Strangers – Nothing’s Gonna Stop Me Now by David Pomeranz. This song was written by the same guys who wrote the Full House, Step By Step and Family Matters theme song, so no wonder it was so good.

Girl Meets World – Take on the World by Rowan Blanchard and Sabrina Carpenter. Genius move to have the two main girls of the show sing the theme, and a super catchy one at that. And I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – if you were a Boy Meets World fan and you’re not watching this show, you are wasting your life.

Molly’s Picks

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Theme Song by Tina Fey/ Robert Carlock / Jeff Richmond / The Gregory Brothers / Mike Britt

UNBREAKABLE. They alive, dammit! It’s a miracle. This is one of the most creative, innovative theme songs you’ll ever hear, spoofing those wacky neighbors who always give interviews when shocking news breaks — paired with an auto-tuned news segment a la Antoine Dodson. So how’d they do it? (1) Tina Fey and Robert Carlock wrote the neighbor’s monologue. (2) They picked out the lines they want repeated in the song, and Jeff Richmond created the melody. (3) Mike Britt recorded the role of the emphatic neighbor Walter Bankston. (4) They hand it off to the Gregory Brothers, the guys behind Songify The News. (5) Kimmy Schmidt begins streaming on Netflix. (6) It has been over 6 months and you still have the song in your head, don’t you?

Cheers

Where Everybody Knows Your Name by Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo

Yes, this is mainly a song about people knowing what your name is. Yet it is so iconic that I had never seen an episode of Cheers, but I think I’ve known all of the lyrics since I can remember. It doesn’t sound as synth-ed up or jubilant as the classic 80s theme song. In fact I think something about it is sort of melancholy. It sets the tone for an unpretentious show about a Boston bar where there are no name tags.

Party Of Five

Closer To Free by The BoDeans

If the 60s and 70s were the era of the theme song that told the entire backstory and lasted 8 minutes, and the 80s were the era of the synthesized, schmaltzy pop song that’s just sort of vaguely about love or family, the 90s were the age of the crossover alternative music/ TV theme song radio hit. Think I’ll Be There For You (Friends) or I Don’t Want To Wait (Dawson’s Creek). I started watching Party Of Five when I was probably too young, and it was HUGE for me. The theme song still makes me feel like I’m about to kick back with the Salinger clan (and Jennifer Love Hewitt) (but not Claudia when she’s at boarding school) (and usually not Owen, when you think about it).

Parenthood

Forever Young by Bob Dylan

I’m not crying, you’re crying. Fine, we’re all crying. But if it were the Rod Stewart version, I would not be.

Friends

I’ll Be There For You by The Rembrandts

Is this song even good? I can’t be sure anymore. But it was such a hit that it launched the (largely defunct) TV soundtrack trend of the 90s and early 2000s. Plus just listening to that opening riff reminds me of one of my favorite Comfort TV shows – have a cruddy day? Turn on Friends and you’ll feel a bit better. You could almost say they’ll be there for you (but don’t).

Honorable Mentions

The Courtship Of Eddie’s Father – Best Friend by Harry Nilsson. Yes, that’s Harry Nilsson, of the Lime In The Coconut Nilssons. As Traci mentioned, our cultural touchpoint are colored by how much time both of us spent watching repeats of old shows as children.

Sesame Street – Can You Tell Me How To Get To Sesame Street? by Joe Raposo. It’s good and you know it’s good. And as an adult, sort of brings you back to being 4 years old in a kind of bittersweet way, right?

Fresh Prince of Bel Air – Fresh Prince Of Bel Air by Will Smith and Quincy Jones III. One of the proudest moments of my life was realizing that we were on a train of 100% American college kids in Spain going to a Jack Johnson concert, and leading a singalong to this theme song. It is SO good. Okay, I’ll stop here before I get into The Muppet Show and All In The Family.

8Sep2015

Fall 2015 TV Rookies to Watch

Posted in Entertainment by Cookies + Sangria

This is Back To School Week in the United States, and nobody wants to be the new kid. But this is Back To TV week on Cookies and Sangria, and we are all about celebrating the new faces. These are actors you may not have heard of before, or who haven’t been on network TV much, but we have a feeling you’ll be seeing a lot more of them. Think about it: all of the TV greats, from the cast of Friends to George Clooney to… I guess people who didn’t hit the big time in 1994? … were once “that new guy on that show.” Keep your eye on these newbies – one of them just may be the rookie of the year.

Priyanka Chopra in Quantico

Previous Work: A lot A LOT of movies, making her one of Bollywood’s highest-paid actresses, singer, Former Miss World, Guess model, social media famous.

Why You Should Watch Her: Quantico, a show about a group of young FBI recruits, is Priyanka’s American television debut. She’s a star internationally, like an Angelina Jolie of India, so it’s about time she gets a big break in the U.S.

When You Can Watch Her: Sundays @ 10pm beginning on September 27th on ABC

Ryan Guzman in Heroes Reborn

Previous Work: Pretty Little Liars, Step Up Revolution, Step Up: All In, The Boy Next Door

Why You Should Watch Him: He was JLo’s man candy in The Boy Next Door, Lucy Hale’s karate-kicking paramour in PLL, and now he’s in primetime as the resident hottie when the Heroes come back this month.

When You Can Watch Him: Thursday, September 24th @ 8:00p on NBC

Zoe Lister-Jones in Life in Pieces

Previous Work: Fawn from New Girl; Lily from Whitney; literally all of the Law and Orders.

Why You Should Watch Her: Zoe has seriously made the canceled sitcom rounds, from Whitney to Friends With Better Lives to Bored to Death. That doesn’t mean that she’s unlucky, it just means that she must be immensely castable. The new sitcom roster is pretty slim this year, but Life in Pieces looks potentially funny – a rare multicam CBS pilot that looks like it could be more reminiscent of NBC when it’s good.

When You Can Watch Her: Monday, September 21 @ 8:30 PM on CBS.

Stark Sands in Minority Report

Previous Work: Lead in the original Broadway casts of American Idiot and Kinky Boots, Chasing Liberty, Inside Llewyn Davis,

Why You Should Watch Him: Stark has had a number of random roles on TV, but he’s most famous for being a two-time Tony nominee for his roles in Broadway smash hits. He plays the lead of Dash in Minority Report, which is a movie I’ve never seen, but apparently the TV show is about Stark as a Precog who has the ability to predict crimes. Not sure if I’ll understand the show, but I’ll get Stark’s enormous talent, for sure.

When You Can Watch Him: September 21st @ 9:00pm on FOX

Evan Ross in Wicked City

Previous Work: The Hunger Games – Mockingjay (1 and 2); 90210; CrazySexyCool: The TLC Story

Why You Should Watch Him: If Evan looks a little familiar, he should. Maybe, like us, you enjoy dystopian teen novel adaptations and made-for-tv biopics. Perhaps you follow celebrity weddings and babies: his wife is Ashlee Simpson. Or maybe you just know a celebrity dynasty when you see one: his mother is Diana Ross, and his sister, Tracee Ellis Ross, is currently on Blackish. Anyway, talent and good looks run in the family and it looks like Evan has both. Besides, Wicked City looks pretty promising.

When You Can Watch Him: Tuesday, October 27 at 10:00 pm on ABC.

Donna Lynne Champlin – Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Previous Work: A whole lot of Broadway (Billy Elliot, Sweeney Todd, etc); a brief appearance in Birdman; several TV guest spots.

Why You Should Watch Her: Donna has some major theater credits, and if you’re wondering if that even translates to television, the answer is yes: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is a musical comedy. She plays the lead’s coworker and I’m hoping for more than a lot of drama and more than a few solos: Champlin is an Obie and a Drama Desk winner. YouTube her, you’ll be impressed. [An aside: she also hails from our hometown of Rochester, New York.]

When You Can Watch Her: Monday, October 12 at 8:00 PM on the CW.

Denise in The Muppets

Previous Work: Head of marketing at Up Late With Miss Piggy

Why You Should Watch Her: After decades together, who could possibly wrestle Kermit’s affections from Miss Piggy? We NEED to know who this Denise is. Also: The Muppets will be a mockumentary-style comedy that looks like one of the only truly hilarious shows slated for a 2015 premiere.

When You Can Watch Her: Tuesday, September 22 at 8:00 PM on ABC

7Sep2015

Fantasy Network TV Exec

Posted in Entertainment by Cookies + Sangria

A few years ago, I went insane with my Fall TV scheduling because there were too many shows I loved that were coming back, and the premiere dates were staggered, and I was getting old so I had to write them all down and not just rely on the old noggin. I’ve stopped doing that over the past year or so, since I found an app (FREE app) called Episoder, which is something I swear by and could not recommend more to fellow TV enthusiasts. Anyways, the point is that when it comes time to plan out the Fall TV schedule, whether it be as a viewer or as an important executive of a big network, you have to plan strategically. The shows in primetime have to be equally engaging, GOOD, and bring in non-sucky numbers from whoever the Nielsen people are.

Some of you are in the beginnings of your Fantasy Football Leagues, and because we’re not much of the Fantasy Football type, we decided to play our own version with Fantasy TV Network Exec. We broke down which shows we would bank on if we ran an imaginary network, and hand-picked the series we think will boost our C+S Network’s ratings and help it become a reputable channel with quality programming (this is clearly the humble beginnings of our plan to start our own corporation and take over the world). Plus this is just a general guide of what you should probably watch in a couple weeks. We obviously took this very seriously.

8:00 Supergirl (CBS)

As a whole, we as a society are still not over superhero shows/movies, so naturally this freshman series is gaining a lot of buzz. Melissa Benoist (the new girl from Glee) plays the titular Supergirl, aka Superman’s cousin. That’s pretty much all we know plot wise, but what’s more important is the list of series regulars & guest stars, which includes but is not limited to: Calista Flockhart, Jeremy Jordan, Laura Benanti, Lexie Grey (Chyler Leigh), Jenna Dewan Tatum, and former Superman Dean Cain.!

9:00 Jane The Virgin (CW)

Neither of us watch Jane the Virgin, but it’s not from lack of wanting to. We both love love LOVE Gina Rodriguez as a human, so let’s support her show, shall we?

10:00 Blindspot (NBC)

If you’ve seen ads of a naked woman with words all over her body, that is this show. And TBH, some of these choices were based on, “the shows on the other networks suck, so this is the least offensive”. This is the least offensive.

8:00 The Muppets (ABC)

Following the success of mockumentaries like The Office and Parks and Rec, the genre has since become a little too overused, therefore losing its magic. However, when it’s used for a beloved franchise that needs an extremely creative twist to keep dedicated fans and viewers happy and tuned in, the mockumentary style makes perfect sense. This is probably the show I’m most looking forward to this fall, and judging by its trailers, I don’t think we’ll be disappointed. Also, Kermit is Jim Halpert. Count me in.

8:30 Fresh Off The Boat (ABC)

I was so relieved when Fresh Off The Boat got picked up, and unfortunately somewhat surprised when it did, because I was expecting ABC execs to dismiss yet another primetime show that doesn’t feature all white people *gets off soapbox*. Besides the whole #RepresentationIsImportant aspect of the show, it’s actually a really good program. The writing is fantastic and the acting is A+ (Constance Wu, y’all). Despite the fact it’s about an immigrant family and the first generation of kids in America, it’s a comedy about family at its core, and that’s why it should be appealing for everyone.

9:00 Scream Queens (FOX)

This was a process of elimination pick, with a healthy pinch of “it’s Ryan Murphy, it can’t be all bad.” Think the camp of Glee meeting the horror aspects of American Horror Story. It’s not necessarily our “thing” but we will always be here for Lea Michele in headgear. Plus Emma Roberts, Abigail Breslin, and Keke Palmer rounding out the “When Did They Grow Up?” contingent, and Nasim Pedrad bringing the comedy.

Plus it’s also up against yet another superhero show (Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D.), a third-generation NCIS (New Orleans), and a doctor show (Heartbreaker).

10:00 Wicked City (ABC)

We’ll have to wait a minute for this one – October 27 – because shows are airing willy-nilly this year. You can start off watching Best Time Ever with Neil Patrick Harris on NBC, but don’t get too attached because in November Chicago Fire will take over the slot. Most of the shows this year are so genre – it’s all procedurals, zombies, and superhero reboots – that it’s nice to see something a bit different. Wicked City is a crime show set in 1982 on the Sunset Strip. Erika Christiansen as a 1980s Los Angeles mother who falls into cahoots with a serial killer? We’ll try it.

8:00 Rosewood (FOX)

Not actually sure if this show about a pathologist named Dr. Beaumont Rosewood, Jr. is actually going to be any good, especially since the tagline is, “Life. Death. Miami.” However, Morris Chestnut is in it (references here, here, and here), and I’d watch him do literally anything over the 102nd season of Survivor.

9:00 Empire (FOX)

If you think Drip Drop and Boo Boo Kitty are songs from the Wiggles or something, you are seriously missing out. We wrote a more in depth post about why you need to be watching Empire, but even if you aren’t totally sold, there are only 12 episodes. You can watch all of season one and be caught up in a few lazy weekends. Empire is one of those rare runaway success midseason replacements that became a cultural touchstone.

10:00 Nashville (ABC)

I started watching this show for Connie Britton and now it’s starting its fourth season and I’m still here. It’s like, it’s good, but could be better, but I’m too invested so I’m not going to give up now type of show. So here we are.

8:00 Grey’s Anatomy (ABC)

How is this show in its 12th season what’s happening? I know the whole McDreamy storyline has been a point of contention with fans, and it’s understandable. However, as both a fan of the show and fan of the construct of TV as a whole, I’m interested in seeing where they’re going to take Meredith’s story after a devastating loss. It’s the first season we’ve seen her without Derek AND Cristina by her side, so how does that change her as a person? Or does it?

9:00 Scandal (ABC)

Scandal might be the best show on television right now. It is also one of the most popular, with an unusually engaged fan base. It’s on season five, yet I still feel like I have no idea what will happen with Olivia and Fitz, who is truly trustworthy, and how Olivia has never spilled on one of those white coats. Scandal has found a way to bring TV to a must-watch-live EVENT and fans live tweet with the cast in an unprecedented way (props to our fav Kerry Washington for that one). Take that, Video On Demand!

10:00 How To Get Away With Murder (ABC)

If you were frustrated with the twists and turns and multiple murders on HTGAWM, believe me when I say this show is a breath of fresh air compared to Pretty Little Liars. Surprisingly (or maybe not so much so), the finale of season one solved the mystery we’ve been trying to figure out since the pilot, but then minutes later, we were hit in the face with another murder to leave us on a cliffhanger to go into season two. HTGAWM is also a super strong ending to a night in Shondaland, and you’d be crazy to pick any other lineup than this on a Thursday night.

8:00 Masterchef Junior (FOX)

If you’re into any sort of cooking competition program, you need to watch Masterchef Junior. Especially if you’re not a fan of Gordon Ramsay. The tough, expletive-spouting Brit takes a cooler tone with these home chefs, who range in age from eight to 13. It’s nice to see a softer, more encouraging side to Gordon, who just wants to see these kids succeed. It’s also nice to see a reality show that doesn’t focus on the drama between the contestants – these kids are just there to have fun and cook amazing dishes with food I’ve never even heard of before.

9:00 Shark Tank (ABC)

Let’s call a spade a spade. Nothing good, or even “good,” is on TV at 9:00 on a Friday. We’ve fallen very far from the must-watch TGIF lineups of our youth. Shark Tank has a solid audience, big enough to warrant a spinoff this year, so I guess we pick that.

10:00 Blue Bloods (CBS)

It’s not so much that we are raging Tom Selleck fans – I mean the man can grow a good mustache, but let’s not go crazy. And Mark Wahlberg isn’t even my favorite Wahlberg. The Irish cop cliches will surely be super lame. However. We’re sure that Dateline and 20/20 will split the News Magazine contingent, so this seemed like the best choice. For the record, we’ve both always been 20/20 girls, and in third grade we were even traumatized by the same episode about kids getting sucked onto pool drains.

Watch Netflix.

8:00 The Simpsons (FOX)

The Simpsons is my first television memory, sneaking upstairs to watch it with my brothers. It was my first appointment with appointment television, and I didn’t miss an episode from the ages of three until about 18. That said, I’m not sure if I’ve seen a new episode for the past decade. But looking at the competition on Sunday nights, it’s not hard to see why the show continues to do well. A television institution, The Simpsons has been on the air since 1989 and it looks like it isn’t going anywhere.

[Psst – I’m actually into Once Upon a Time, but we wanted to include Brooklyn Nine-Nine at 8:30 so we really needed a half hour show here.]

8:30 Brooklyn Nine-Nine (FOX)

This show is good. When it won that Golden Globe a lot of people were shocked, but it combines the best elements of workplace comedy, police procedural, and buddy comedy. Plus, I hate that this is still a pleasant surprise in 2015, but it’s about a police precinct where two of the main characters are black men (and one is gay), two are Latinas, and most importantly, everyone is hilarious. Gina was one of the characters we needed back on our TVs after the 2014 hiatus, (and it’s true again), and Andy Samberg is that goofy coworker who is somehow actually amazing at his job. For some reason I feel like a lot of already-good shows really hit their strides in the third season, so I think this year is going to be great.

9:00 The Good Wife (CBS)

We don’t watch The Good Wife, which has apparently been on for five seasons (FIVE.). However, we know that a lot of people do. Besides, we’re not going to watch Oil and we are VERY not going to watch Sunday Night Football. There are some shows that we know will technically win the time slot, but we don’t like them so we aren’t choosing them. That’s what we’re doing with football.

10:00 CSI Cyber (CBS)

It’s this, football, the local news on FOX, or an ABC series about the Bible. I understand that for a lot of people Sunday is the Lord’s day, and for a lot of other people it’s Football Night, but for us, every day is TV day and that programming just doesn’t cut it.

6Sep2015

Back to TV Week

Posted in Entertainment by Cookies + Sangria

For a lot of folks, September means the summer is officially over and it’s time to go back to school, but, if you don’t want to think of this time of year as such a bummer, remember that your favorite TV shows are coming back to your screens and you’ll finally be able to find out what happened after the end of last season!

To celebrate this most magical time of the year, we’re bringing back something we did last year and talking TV all this week and highlighting new shows, old shows, new actors, old actors, and even give a glimpse of what could be in the future. That’s right, we’re talking Miss Cleo style. Sans the sketchy business dealings. Join us as we get pumped up for fall TV!

4Sep2015

#RightNowAFreshman versus In 2004, A Freshman…

Posted in Miscellany by Molly

Right now, a Freshman …

is perusing the trending Twitter hashtag #RightNowAFreshman to find other people sharing the same experience.

In 2004, a Freshman ….

thinks the last sentence was just a bunch of nonsense words. Also, why is there a pound sign?

Right now, a Freshman …

is wearing the same outfit my sister wore to her college move-in day in 1996.

In 2004, a Freshman …

would not have been caught DEAD in 90s clothes, unless it was part of a group Saved By The Bell Halloween costume. But I sure did look fly in my low-rise boot cuts, hot pink American Eagle polo, and pukka shell necklace!

is nervous about wasting all of their good outfits the first week.

In 2004 a Freshman …

was nervous about wasting all of their good outfits the first week.

Denim minis were the perfect dress up/ dress down item.

Right now, a Freshman…

is desperately trying to connect her phone to the dorm’s weak WiFi network so she doesn’t get socked with data charges. I don’t have the unlimited plan, here.

In 2004 a Freshman …

accidentally opened the internet browser on her flip phone then shut it in a panic. We aren’t millionaires here.

Right now a Freshman …

has decided that she’s not really the kind of person that goes to Frat parties. This is likely to change within a few weeks despite her aversion to pastel shorts worn with Oxford shirts.

In 2004 a Freshman ….

also decided that she wasn’t really the kind of person that goes to Frat parties, but changed her mind within a few weeks despite her aversion to popped collars and cargo shorts.

Has decided that she’s being *serious* about school now. Uses ALL the different highlighter colors.

Right now a Freshman ….

is making “friends” with some random kids they won’t be talking to by next semester.

In 2004, a Freshman…

Remembered those people well enough to friend them on The Facebook once that came out … and are still Facebook friends with them to this day. Not sure why.

3Sep2015

Miley Cyrus, Her Dead Petz, and Me

Posted in Entertainment by Traci

On Sunday, Miley Cyrus returned to the MTV Video Music Awards doing exactly what she’s been doing for the past couple of years, which is do weird shit, wear basically nothing, and talked about smoking pot. Then she ended her gig by announcing she was pulling a Beyonce and released an entire album for free on the website: MileyCyrusAndHerDeadPetz.com. Naturally, my first instinct was to listen to it just for the sake of the blog. To borrow a catchphrase from Vine – Do It For The Blog.

If Miley’s not your cup of tea, but you’re still a little curious as to what her sound is like post post-Party in the USA, here are my thoughts upon listening to this album for the first time. God Speed. To myself, I’m saying that too, because, I mean, come on.

Track 1: Dooo It!

I feel like all of these titles are stream of consciousness already. If you watched the VMAs, you saw that Miley ended the show with her own performance of a new song, and this was it. The lines repeated over and over again are: “Yeah I smoke pot, yeah I love peace, but I don’t give a fuck, I ain’t no hippie”. When I watched her sing this, I felt high, and listening to it without a visual component isn’t any different. Then the song ends with: “Why they put the dick in the pussy? Fuck you!” Why so harsh, Tai?

Track 2: Karen’t Don’t Be Sad

My friend once had a friend Karen who was kinda like that one person of the group that was almost an outsider and whenever he’d tell stories about her, we’d always joke, ‘Who’s Karen?’, despite the fact he’d mention her a lot. Also, I’d never met Karen, so I was starting to think she wasn’t real. Anyways, that’s my first thought going into this song. It starts off sounding like a ballad, and it’s like a cautionary tale of Miley telling Karen not to ‘hang out with those fools’. It almost has a tone as one of those 60s songs that Frankie Valli sang about a young love. Except Miley really doesn’t want Karen to “let them win”.

Track 3: The Floyd Song (Sunrise)

If you’ve been following Miley’s life, you know she was hit with a devastating blow a year or so ago when her beloved dog Floyd died. Miles legit had a breakdown on stage because she was so heartbroken, but she’s managed to take that sadness and put it in a song. It’s not a complete bummer of a track (despite the line, ‘Death take me with you’), more so a melancholy tribute to a dog that made her really happy when he was alive. Also, her voice sounds overproduced and autotuned, more so than usual. And Miley doesn’t even have a horrible voice – have your heard her cover of Jolene?

Track 4: Something About Space Dude

I don’t know what I expected, but I guess I didn’t expect that the album (so far) would be mid-tempo tracks. Is this what it’s like for Miley when she’s high? Feeling like she’s in space and hearing random musical notes strung together to form a song?

Track 5: Space Boots

Oh, it’s another Space track. “There’s probably a rainbow, but I don’t care because all the colors left with you.” Lost love over a human or a pet? My assumption is a pet because of the record title, however she mentions she gets bored when said person isn’t there to smoke with her. And how this person is in their Space Boots. She later confirms it’s a Space Dude – from the previous song? She really misses this Space Dude, guys.

Track 6 {Interlude}: Fuckin Fucked Up

First of all, props for the title. It’s honest and to the point, I respect that. She starts off by saying, “Alright this is really fuckin fucked up but…” then stops talking.

Track 7: BB Talk

Wait, she picks back up with the “Alright this is really fuckin fucked up but… I was sleeping next to one dude and I was dreaming about another dude and I was cringing being next to him” or something like that. So “BB Talk” isn’t going to be a cutesy wutsy song about yo bae, then? Also, her voice is so deep? I never noticed just how deep it is. She starts singing to the more upbeat instrumentals, which I can actually get into now. It’s moved on to more of 90s-sounding jam where she belts the chorus then speaks the verse… I wanna say Enya-esque, but that can’t be right. “Your BB Talk is freaking me out… I’m feeling like I’m gonna vomit… Fuck me so you stop BB talking” HAHAHA “I’m not a fucking dumb ass bitch. I hate all that PDA.” WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUTTT? “I like when you send me the queen emoji but when I send back the monkey emoji with the hands over the eyes it means she’s just getting a little too weird for me.” This song is hilarious.

Track 8: Fweaky

Mike Will Made It. Lit’rally. And she mentions being in Space again. Take a shot, y’all. And smoking a bowl. Take a shot, y’all. “Shit’s about to get real fweaky, I can feel it. Don’t you worry, you won’t regret it.” Then like a million ‘Na na nas’ and that’s the entire song.

Track 9: Bang Me Box

Mike Will Made this one too. I already really like this beat, no shade. It actually sounds like a real non-Miley high song that could maybe make the cut on a real label-made album. Albeit she’s talking about exactly how she wants her partner to “bang her box” (she’s down for literally anything), but it sounds good.

Track 10: Milky Milky Milk

I hate this already. Someone (not Miley?) is creepily saying “The milky milky milk” as if they’re Boris from Rocky & Bullwinkle or Snidely Whiplash. The bass is too much, which makes me feel like a completely Ethel. Oh god she says ‘sucking on my nipples’ I cannot.

Track 11: Cyrus Skies

The title of this makes me think it’s an ode to her family. Because in between the tribute songs to weed and sex, she needs to include Billy Ray. Yet, I don’t actually think I’m correct, since it sounds like someone is slowly dragging Miley through a desert as she sings the lyrics, “I’ve been alive, but I’ve a liar.”

Track 12: Slab of Butter (Scorpion) featuring Phantogram’s Sarah Barthel

Beginning line: “I’m bout to get fucked up get fucked up.” For those of you listening at home, not only did Mike Will Make It but “slab of butter” was also uttered repeatedly in Milky Milky Milk, but I chose to ignore it because I felt awk sauce during that song. This track sounds part like Look At Me Now, part video game spider, whole parts sequel to Milky Milky Milk. I thought Miley was vegan?

Track 13 {Interlude}: I’m so Drunk

These are nothing compared to the best interludes of all time on Justin Timberlake’s FutureSex/LoveSounds.

Track 14: I Forgive Yiew

Mike Will Made It. Take a shot. Who is Miley forgiving? The dude talking BB talk to her? In which case, character development. PS Miley is really into speaking/typing like ‘yiew’ and ‘fweaky’. Just gander at her Insta or Twitter. It’s nearly intelligible. Kind of like this album.

Track 15: I Get So Scared

Miles is showing off her vulnerable (emotion-wise) side re: a failed relationship, about how she gets so scared that she’ll “never get over you”, and “none of their plans coming true”. ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT LIAM, BECAUSE I THINK YOU ARE, BUT IDEK ANYMORE.

Track 16: Lighter

Mike Will Made It. Take a shot. Now she’s comparing a paramour to her “lighter”, because weed. But I’m feelin this song, it’s like we’ve moved back into 80s synth pop a bit, and this is a love song that would play in the middle of a Brat Pack movie as Molly Ringwald’s gentleman caller is realizing he might have feelings for her after all.

Track 17: Tangerine featuring Big Sean

I have high expectations for this, Big Sean. Instead I feel like this should’ve been pushed forward up in the “We’re in Space” portion of the record. Not only do I feel Spacey listening to it, but I feel like I’m about to fall asleep. At least Big Sean’s verse is good. He’s gettin in those Frank Ocean vibez in.

Track 18: Tiger Dreams featuring Ariel Pink

Am I going crazy have I been listening to this album for too long because this sounds exactly the same as the last song, except it’s approx 20 minutes longer. “Such a weird fucking dream” = How I feel about this entire record.

Track 19: Evil is but a Shadow

I’m listening to this real hard but I still don’t get why Evil is but a Shadow. Woof, guys. This album is longer than I thought/wanted it to be. It’s also much more of a downer that I thought/wanted it to be. I guess that’s my bad because it does have “dead petz” in the title.

Track 20: 1 Sun

Oh finally another upbeat song! Kind of. It has depressing lyrics, like, ‘We only have a little bit of time’. Miley wants us to wake up because the Earth is crying and the clouds are dying. MAYBE ONE DAY THERE WON’T BE RAINBOWS. This is Miley’s cautionary tale about global warming and climate change. Take note, kids – if you didn’t pay attention during the Disney Channel Send It On days, you better be doing shit to save the world now.

Track 21: Pablow The Blowfish

Pablow The Blowfish didn’t know what a cloud is because he was a blowfish. Who has since died. This is Miley’s Blowfish tribute song. Dead Petz. Call me insensitive, but this is almost too contrived that I have to laugh. She’s literally saying “Pablow the Blowfish I miss you so much” and something about going to dinner and “someone chose sushi”. Miley got soup and rice, but “watching my friends eating my friends ruined my appetite”. She also suggests Pablow meets a dead seahorse to impregnate somewhere. Then she starts crying. Ugh.

Track 22: Miley Tibetan Bowlzzz

Oh Lord is this just going to be Miley playing a Tibetan singing bowl the entire time??? The answer is yet, but also, a lot of ‘ahhh ahhhh ahhhss’.

Track 23: Twinkle Song

“I had a dream David Bowie told us how to skateboard, but he was shaped like Gumby… WHAT DOES IT MEAN? ::literally screaming this in caps::” Stop yelling at me gurl.

Conclusion:

Don’t waste your time playing this whole album. Listen to 7 and 16. And maybe 21 because you have to hear it to believe it. One thing we can all agree on – she’s just being Miley.

2Sep2015

Wacky Secessionist Movements And You

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Miscellany by Molly

Hi, Upstate New York.

It’s me, Molly.

No? Molly D. From third grade. We used to hunt deer together by the cornfield then eat chicken wings? That Molly.

Just kidding. Everyone “upstate” doesn’t know each other, because there are 7 million people up here. New York would actually rank in the top 15 states for population even if you cut off New York City and the surrounding counties (which … don’t. Okay?).

We also don’t all live in the country. My metro area has a little over a million people in it, about the same as Tucson or Salt Lake City – not huge, but definitely a city. There are other cities of about the same size roughly an hour’s drive away in either direction. I’ve only been lost in a corn field twice, and that was in a corn maze – which is admittedly pretty Upstate, but in a good way? Also, all of the major metropolitan areas up here vote blue, and most of us aren’t gun nuts.

The chicken wings are pretty legit, though. That is true.

Right now, those of us “upstate” (which people here only really use to refer to the far north country) are dealing with a viral news story about a few thousand wackos who want to break free from New York City, rename “upstate” New Amsterdam, and carry guns into grocery stores. Or something.

Needless to say, these dumbos use the WORST fonts.

Anyway, here’s a quick guide to dealing with wacky secessionists before we have to deal with a whole different kind of regional embarrassment and disappointment: the beginning of another Buffalo Bills season (ahem… that’s mostly just Western and Central New York and the Finger Lakes. See? New York’s got regions.).

(1) Don’t Take It Personal

Wacky Secessionist Movements are so embarrassing, even though YOU aren’t really the one behind it. It’s like, you know that one Racist Cousin, Drunk Uncle or Tarot Aunt you have? Yeah, they probably are New Amsterdamists. But also, it’s like if a stranger met one of them then let that color their impression of you. It would be annoying, but youe would be comforted by the fact that their opinion was totally baseless.

Look. There are seven million of us. Are some areas so godforsaken and Deliverence-y that I would be scared to stop in a gas station there alone? Probably. Are there stretches of land so desolate that the grizzly bear and deer population outstrips humans? Yes. Have I seen a camouflage pickup truck? Definitely. Have I witnessed a bride walked down the aisle by someone in a baseball cap? Once. Did any of these things help my case that we’re not all totally bonkers up here? Probably not. I guess my point is that most rational people will realize that in such a large and populous state, there are all kinds of people, from polished professionals to toothless yokels. I should probably also point out that some of those are surely Toothless Yokels with hearts of gold, and that plenty of totally cool, intelligent people live in Toothless Yokel Country for one reason or another, be it work, family, or just personal preference.

Wherever you live, at some point crazies from your state are probably going to start a campaign to secede from the state or repartition the state boundaries. It’s an American tradition. But sensationalist headlines aside, most people WILL realize that this doesn’t represent everyone who lives there. It’s times like this you have to take a cue from Monica: it’s just one of dem days. Don’t take it personal.

(2) Don’t Read The Comments

My first mistake was reading about this in a Gawker article someone linked to. My second, more grievous mistake, was scrolling down to the comments. At least for this article, the commentariat was comprised mainly of people who failed the reading comprehension part of those state tests in fourth grade because they only read the title. If you scroll to the comments, you will see commenter after commenter suggesting that “upstate New York is trying to secede” rather than “3,000 Choice Nutjobs Want To Secede (Because They Want More Guns In School?) (And Probably Also Prayer, While We’re At It) (And Can We Cancel Sex Ed? Thanks.)” So you get all of these people saying “good, they should do it, everyone up there is worthless and miserable” and you’re reading it thinking “no no no, nobody I know wants this.”

Or, if the commenter is corrected that only 3,000 people want it, they pat themselves on the back for thinking of “jabs” like “they must have counted wrong, that’s more people than live up there.”

Or my personal favorite: “I drove on backroads not going through any major cities on my way to a wedding in Pennsylvania one time, so I know all about how trashy everyone up there is.”

There. I summed up all of the comments for you.

Now don’t read them.

(3) Know That You’re Not Alone

Hey “upstate.” Chin up. Any state worth its weight in Buffalo wings and tomato pie will deal with this at some point or another.

Although most articles refer to these movements as “secession” – and thus I’m using it here – what we’re really talking about is partition: taking an existing state, dividing it into two or more states, but remaining under the U.S. banner. And it happens kind of a lot.

Some folks in Arizona want to create Baja Arizona, which is I guess a state and not a new Taco Bell item.

A few people in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan want to partition into Superior. Oregonians from the 1940s formed Jefferson, and some Montana residents in the 1940s tried to make Absaroka happen.

So if you’re an “upstate New Yorker” – or a Western New Yorker, Central New Yorker, Hudson Valley resident, Southern Tier…ist?, or Catskills Guy (not sure) – hold your head high. When was the last time you heard someone scoff at Montanans as “those idiots who tried to form Absaroka?” Sooner or later the crazies will go back to building their underground bunkers before squirrel hunting season starts in earnest, and the whole thing will die down. So order in a Styrofoam container of wings and heat up those chicken riggies, take some Kodak pics of that Fred Jackson jersey you’re trying to sell – it will all be over soon enough.

1Sep2015

MissUnderstood: A Tale of Ignorance and Song Lyrics

Posted in Miscellany by Traci

Do you ever think about the first songs you knew all the lyrics to as a kid? One of my earliest memories is singing along to Real McCoy’s Another Night while in the backseat of the car, jamming along to the radio. The song itself was pretty easy to memorize as a nine year old, since it was basically the same verse and chorus over and over again.

Another night, another dream, but always you / It’s like a vision of love that seems to be true
Another night another dream, but always you / In the night I dream of love so true

But then there are songs I sang along to without knowing the meaning until later. Like way later. Like maybe in the past few years (months, days, etc.)

I came across this Spice Girls revelation on Tumblr the other day:

REMEMBER HOW I LEGIT DIDN’T REALIZE THIS UNTIL NOW????

Honestly. I thought when she said “put it on”, it was a British way of saying like, “put your sexy times mindset on because we’re gonna GET IT ON, GET IT ON”. My logic makes sense, okay? But this is obviously not the only song that has been misunderstood and changed lives of adults all around there world. Here are some other tunes that I didn’t realize meant something else until I was much, much older. Did y’all have your own tracks you didn’t realize were somewhat offensive until recently?

Too Close by Next

Baby when we’re grinding / I get so excited
Ooh, how I like it / I try but I can’t fight it
Oh, you’re dancing real close / Cuz it’s real, real slow
You’re making it hard for me

Apparently I memorized all the words to this when I was 11, but didn’t understand any of it. Like, every single world in this is sexual. Looking back on it, I can’t believe I didn’t realize this whole thing was about fornication. How could I possibly miss all of it? Actually, I know why – because I was a naive 11 year old who just really enjoyed ’90s R&B music. I’m not a monster.

Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind

Doing crystal meth, will lift you up until you break
It won’t stop, I won’t come down / I keep stock with the tick-tock rhythm, I bump for the drop
And then I bumped up, I took the hit that I was given /Then I bumped again, then I bumped again I said… How do I get back there, to the place where I fell asleep inside you

In all fairness, Stephen Jenkins said these lyrics so fast and garbled that it was kind of hard to tell what he was saying. On top of that, add the fact that it’s a fun, bouncy pop song – about getting high on speed. He said of the song, “It’s about a time in my life when it seemed like all of my friends just sort of tapped out on speed… The music that I wrote for it is not intended to be bright and shiny for bright and shiny’s sake. It’s intended to be what the seductiveness of speed is like, represented in music.” Whoa.

Brick by Ben Folds Five

They call her name at 7:30 / I pace around the parking lot
Then I walk down to buy her flowers / And sell some gifts that I got
Can’t you see / It’s not me you’re dying for
Now she’s feeling more alone / Than she ever has before

I always thought this song was a downer, but I didn’t realize just how MUCH of a downer it was until my friends told me in college. Yes, college. Ben Folds said he wrote this song about his high school girlfriend who decided to get an abortion, and he doesn’t really like talking about it that much since it’s obviously a sad subject. The meaning is much more obvious in the music video, but this was pre-TRL so I didn’t watch music videos on the regs.

You’re Makin’ Me High by Toni Braxton

Let’s make a deal you roll, I lick / And we can go flying into ecstasy
Oh Darlin’ you and me / Light my fire
Blow my flame / Take me, take me, take me away

Toni Braxton also has a penchant for sounding like she’s gargling while singing, but I really didn’t know that in addition to this song being about getting it on, it was also a song dedicated to weed. She said during a Behind the Music special that the was introduced to pot for the first time a week before she wrote the song, and was influenced (under the influence, amirite) to add the lyric “you roll, I lick…”

Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler

Once upon a time there was light in my life / But now there’s only love in the dark
Nothing I can say / A total eclipse of the heart

Songwriter Jim Steinman, who also worked a lot with Meat Loaf (which could explain the absurdity of this), originally titled this track Vampires in Love. He said, “Its original title was ‘Vampires in Love’ because I was working on a musical of Nosferatu, the other great vampire story. If anyone listens to the lyrics, they’re really like vampire lines. It’s all about the darkness, the power of darkness and love’s place in dark.” He later used the song in his musical called Dance of the Vampires (someone has a fetish), but if you’re wondering why you’ve never heard of it, it’s because it was a total flop that lost $12 million in 2002.

Closing Time by Semisonic

Closing time / One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time / You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
Closing time / Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time / Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end

Although this song was written by Semisonic frontman Dan Wilson after he wanted to write a new tune to end their concerts with, as well as the hope to be played at bars at the end of the night, he also realized it was about something else completely different – childbirth. Dan and his wife were expecting their first child when he was writing the song, when he realized it was also about childbirth and the circle of life. He said, “I had birth on the brain, I was struck by what a funny pun it was to be bounced from the womb.”

Tutti Frutti by Little Richard

My personal connection to this song is that I danced to this in tap class as a kid, complete with poodle skirt costumes to go with the 1950s theme. However, imagine my surprise when Little Richard originally wrote this song as an ode to something completely unrelated to kids’ dance class. Anal Sex. This was his first draft of the song:

A wop bop a loo mop, a good goddamn / Tutti Frutti, good booty,
If it don’t fit, don’t force it / You can grease it, make it easy.

If you don’t know anything about Little Richard’s past, you should really look it up, but basically, around this time in his life, he was sleeping with the fellas, hence the inspiration for the song. The producer of the track recognized the sexual nature of the song and made Little Richard change it to “Tutti Frutti, aw rooty”. Childhood ruined.

31Aug2015

First House Diaries #2: Rooms Of Your House, From Most To Least Haunted

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by Molly

When you’re buying a house all by yourself, you deal with the real life threats first: does this look like a neighborhood I’m going to get serial killed in? How many break-ins have there been nearby? Is the roof sturdy? All of that stuff. But when you’re going to open house after open house, there comes a time when your house hunting expedition becomes a ghost hunting one. You want to make sure you don’t get Amityville Horror-ed, right? So check your dream home in the following areas before you put in that offer. Here are the rooms of any house, from most to least likely to be haunted:

(1) Any Unexplained, Walled-Up, Partially Hidden Room

You know what should have absolutely nothing to hide? Your HOUSE. If there’s a hidden doorway, a room you can only access through a closet, or a Harry Potter-style Cupboard Under The Stairs, your house isn’t being up front with you and probably has a secret. And that secret is ghosts.

In one of the houses I toured, the attic had a hastily-constructed extra room with chipped, clawed-looking walls and creepy ’50s children’s book illustrations on the walls. When I walked in there, my very first thought was “oh hey, that’s where the ghost lives.” Basically if there’s a weird room that makes you say “that’s where the ghost lives” – yep, that’s where the ghost lives.

(2) Bedroom

Bedrooms aren’t the most inherently creepy-seeming room of the house, but think about it. Most people’s ghost stories start with them being awoken in the middle of the night with a ghost staring at them. GROSS.

(3) Bathroom

I know, not the attic or basement? No, not yet. If a ghost wants to be extra creepy, they’d definitely hang out in the bathroom. It’s really all about the shower curtain. Imagine leaving the shower to find a ghost staring at you. Or worse, opening the shower curtain and finding a little-girl ghost in an old-timey dress in there. Plus there’s the bathroom mirror, prime location for Bloody Marys and menacing fog-writing.

As a kid, my house’s bathroom gave me the willies, to the extent that I used to rush and take showers as quickly as possible. As an adult, this habit has helped me maintain really low water bills so I’m not complaining. But the wacky thing is that years later, my mom told me that she went to a psychic who out of nowhere mentioned that the tiny hallway in front of the bathroom was the portal that the ghosts came in and out of.

(4) Attic

Here’s my rationale for the attic being more full of ghosts than the basement. Attics are usually less readily accessible than basements, so if someone had something to hide they would probably keep it in the attic. Secret deformed children, a church of satan, a wall of victim’s photos: attic material, all of them. Plus while your basement probably contains frequently-used utilities that might deter a ghost infestation (washer, dryer, furnace), your attic is more stagnant so ghosts are more likely to accumulate. Also moths, spiders, etc. Pretty much just don’t go into your attic.

(5) Basement

Don’t get me wrong, basements are still creepy. The main reason is that these are the most likely place in your house for a body to be concealed. Unless someone really Telltale Heart-ed it, there probably isn’t a body under your floorboards, but there might be one under that weird patch of mismatched concrete on your basement floor. Apparently my great-grandparents’ house had a notoriously haunted basement – like, they were known for it – so my fear of basements might be part of my genetic memory.

(6) Hallways and Stairwells

Again, I blame my childhood home, which had a stairway landing so creepy that I used to try to fly past it on my way up and down. Maybe I should just blame being a weird kid. Still, hallways are full of doors for ghosts to pop out of, or twists and turns where you can see a ghost in the distance. If you want an excellent example of the hallway as a ghost device, look no further than The Shining.

(7) Kitchens

Kitchens aren’t spooky, but if you have a Poltergeist-y ghost that likes to play with things you’ll probably find it in the kitchen. Between the stove, faucet, microwave and fridge door, there’s a lot to open and close or turn on and off – like a Melissa and Doug toy, only for ghosts.

(8) Dining Room

I’ve just never heard of anyone having a haunted dining room, you know?

(9) Living Room/ Family Room/ Den

Here’s how I feel. Poltergeist aside, I think TVs are inherently confusing to ghosts, who seem to always be from sometime pre-1950. Not that they have to be, but I’ve never heard of anyone say “yeah, there’s a ghost in my house. He always appears and disappears wearing zubaz and a slap bracelet with a hypercolor shirt” or “we keep seeing this woman at the attic window with a spiral perm and mall bangs, checking her swatch watch then staring into the distance through her Sally Jesse Raphael glasses.” So if your living room is your TV spot, the ghost is just not interested. Now, if you have one fancy living room that just has uncomfy couches and a piano in it, the ghosts might like that one.

Real rational talk: ghosts make no sense. I don’t know why I would believe in the spirits of dead people manifesting out of thin air, when I barely believe in … you know, myself. (JK, I think I’m pretty good.) But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t cross my mind when I looked at houses – particularly the one with the ghost room in the attic.

28Aug2015

Miley Cyrus as the VMAs host? It Could Be Worse

Posted in Entertainment by Traci

There’s nothing that makes us feel more old than the Teen Choice Awards, as we’ve discussed before. Now a few weeks after our faces have gone back to normal, we’re faced with the annual MTV Video Music Awards. Growing up, I always thought of the VMAs to be the edgiest out of all the awards shows – the one that if I showed up to school the next day and talked about it in 5th grade, I would feel super cool. That didn’t mean I actually was. Over the years, whether we care to admit it or not, the VMAs are a gem in the zeitgeist crown. Even if we don’t know some of the songs or artists nominated, there will ALWAYS be something to talk about around the watercooler (or conversational landmark of your choosing) the next day. This year, plenty of people have already been talking about the show, thanks to their choice of host:

Having not abused my eyes with this picture for a while, it looks absolutely ridiculous. What even is this world we’re living in. Beetlejuice and a grown-up nude Kewpie doll are grinding.

No it’s not Robin Thicke OR that foam finger. It’s obviously Miley Cyrus. Good ol’ Destiny Hope is returning to the VMAs stage two years after the performance that rocked her entire career. One year after she weirdly let her homeless friend accept an award on her behalf:

KATY AND SAM COORDINATED SIDE EYE FTW

But let’s be real here folks, no matter what you think of Miley, we can all agree that whatever she does is entertaining and will garner the attention of… everyone, whether it be positive or negative. I can’t wait to see what she’ll do at the VMAs, and I might be watching with my head down shaking it in disappointment, but I’m looking forward to what she’ll do. Also, brilliant move by MTV.

In saying this, there have been way worse hosts of the VMAs than I expect Miley to be, so let’s just thank MTV head honchos for at least making us want to tune in. Here are some questionable emecees MTV has hired over the years that pretty much make me long for Miley.

1984: Dan Aykroyd and Bette Midler

Ok, let’s attribute this choice to the fact it was the inaugural VMAs, and in the early era of MTV itself. Maybe they didn’t know what they were doing, or what kind of audience they were going for. I guess to be fair, Dan Aykroyd was popular at the time because of SNL and Ghostbusters, and Bette Midler was, more Bette Midler than she is now. But were they really the voice of the youth culture back then? Also, who decided to put these two together? Couldn’t have been one or the other? I have a lot of questions.

1986: MTV VJs: Downtown Julie Brown, Mark Goodman, Alan Hunter, Martha Quinn & Dweezil Zappa

Again, for perspective, MTV was a huge deal in the ’80s, primarily because there was no network like it ever before. MTV was a channel that wasn’t ABC/CBS/NBC, that didn’t show scripted programming, and dedicated entirely to showing visual representations of music heard on the radio. It was groundbreaking, and in those first few years, it was such a big deal that the first VJs subsequently became a big deal too. So again, it makes sense that these folks were the hosts. But come on, that must have been a bore for the regular viewers. Even spreading them out throughout the country – and London? – is mediocre at best. They see these people all the time. It wouldn’t hurt for some new blood in there. I imagine it was so boring that that’s why I couldn’t really find any good clips of them. Which is why I’m sharing this video of a young Whitney singing How Will I Know. There’s something so special about her just singing and dancing without anything else except the neon MTV logos behind her. It’s a far cry from the superproduced performances we’ve seen over the past decade. ‘N Sync and Britney, much? (As a BSB fan, I admit this is one of the best in VMA history).

1993: Christian Slater

You’re reading this right. Christian Slater, movie star and 90s hunk/bad boy, hosted the Video Music Awards. At the time, he was the hottie from Heathers and on the verge of hitting rave reviews in True Romance, so he was more or less the Zac Efron type of the era. However, he still didn’t quite fit into host of the VMAs, as evidenced by this clip of his monologue. He’s going through it as if he’s reading a presentation in science class. Except making horrible jokes like, “How ’bout that Madonna? I didn’t want that number to end but I ran out of quarters backstage”, in reference to this performance. He also made a joke about the Moonman being able to see up Sharon Stone’s dress from the stage, so, I mean, obviously a solid night.

1994: Roseanne

I do not like Roseanne. I do not think she’s funny. I hated her sitcom. The above outfit is physically hurting my eyes. I can’t even get myself to watch this clip of her hosting, but I’m assuming it’s bad.

2008 and 2009 Russell Brand

It’s not that I think Russell Brand isn’t funny. Because sometimes he can be. But also he can be a lot annoying, and bottom line is that I don’t find him entertaining. But hey, who am I to say what the youth of the world finds entertaining these days? I’m just saying do we trust a man with that hair and who divorces someone over the phone???

Traci’s Picks

Friday Night Lights

Friday Night Lights Theme by W.G. Snuffy Walden

Growing Pains

As Long as We’ve Got Each Other by B.J. Thomas & Jennifer Warnes

All That

All That by TLC

The Nanny

The Nanny Named Fran by Ann Hampton Callaway

The Mary Tyler Moore Show

Love Is All Around by Sonny Curtis

Honorable Mentions:

Molly’s Picks

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Theme Song by Tina Fey/ Robert Carlock / Jeff Richmond / The Gregory Brothers / Mike Britt

Cheers

Where Everybody Knows Your Name by Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo

Party Of Five

Closer To Free by The BoDeans

Parenthood

Forever Young by Bob Dylan

Friends

I’ll Be There For You by The Rembrandts

Honorable Mentions

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