Best of 2016: The Brangelina Relationship As Told In Rachel Green GIFs

One of the most shocking things to rattle the world last year was the (kind of) unexpected split between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Or rather that they went through with it and there were allegations of child abuse. But there was no solid evidence of those rumors, so maybe just the fall of Hollywood’s foremost A-list couple.

Naturally, Jennifer Aniston sympathizers celebrated the end of a Brangelina era, and we decided to tell the story of Brangelina’s romance through Rachel Green GIFs. Because in the end, we all just want Jen to be happy.


The Brangelina Relationship As Told In Rachel Green Gifs

2004: Brad and Angelina meet and fall in love on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.  Brad is married to Jennifer Aniston.
March 2005: Jennifer Aniston files for divorce: irreconcilable differences.

2013: Amid cheating rumors, a spate of magazines have cover stories about Brad declaring “I made a mistake”

2015: Rumors (possibly unfounded) of brad cheating begin to circulate.

September 20, 2016: Angelina Jolie files for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences.

Watch the Brangelina Throne

Our long national nightmare is over Love is Dead! Ok, on the real, how are we all feeling about the Brangelina split a week later? Did we see this coming? Or were we completely blindsided? Are you choosing a team? Do you even care? I’m personally on the side of, *meh*. Is it because Friends is one of my all time TV shows and I spent some of my formative years seeing Brad and Jennifer as the Hollywood ‘IT’ couple then he made a movie with the sexiest woman alive and did an oddly cozy faux family magazine shoot pre-Jen divorce? Perhaps. But I know for a lot of people, Brangelina was one of the last A-list couples still left standing. So who can replace them? If you fall in the latter category, the answer is ‘no one’, but if you’re willing to open your heart and let in another couple to be the next Brangelina, I’ve got a few suggestions.

Chrissy Teigen + John Legend

If you don’t follow these two on social media, do so now. It’s one thing when they take the red carpet (looking smokin’ hot all the time), but it nudges them up a bunch of notches when you see them interact on social media, as seen in the above Twitter exchange. Plus they’ll post cute and not annoying PDA pix and vids, and share posts of their adorable baby daughter Luna. They’re hilarious, smart, and socially active – in the way they speak out about social issues and politics, not necessarily social media. And again, they’re nice to look at, which doesn’t hurt.

Ellen DeGeneres + Portia DeRossi

I feel like every two and a half months, there are rumors these two are breaking up. I never believe the gossip – BECAUSE THESE TWO ARE NEVER SPLITTING UP. NOT ON MY WATCH. Ellen always speaks the loveliest words about Portia in a way that makes me think I, TOO, am in love with Portia. Also, Portia’s wedding dress continues to be one of my favorite celeb dresses ever.

Emily Blunt + John Krasinski

Preface: John Krasinski is my boo. He has been my boo since The Office, and when he started dating Emily Blunt, I was all, ‘yeah, that makes sense’. They seem so compatible with each other and just laid back and not all about the fame. So I guess if you liked Brangelina for the movie star/untouchable quality, Emily and John may not be your cuppa tea. I like that they’re open about their relationship and family, yet secretive in the sense they’re not pushing it into our faces like Kimye is wont to do. Plus they just seem like good people.

Beyonce + Jay Z

In terms of superstar quality and elusiveness, I think Bey and Jay are the closest thing to Brangelina. They don’t share too much of their personal lives online and social media, but B will occasionally post a few sweet snaps of them together. She’s certainly gotten more lax with it over the years (see: Lemonade) but they still have an air of mystery to them that leaves you wanting more. Even the On The Run tour was a lot for me to handle – so much Bey and Jay time I didn’t know what to do with myself. And this Forever Young/Halo video montage FORGET IT.

Kristen Bell + Dax Shepard

If you’re looking for a couple that you most relate to, it’s probs KBell and Dax. They’re just two Michigan kids who found love in Hollywood, but continue to be sweet and strong midwesterners (is Michigan the midwest?). From this Africa video to their Samsung commercials to the famous sloth surprise video, they are one of the most laid back couples in La La Land.

Rita Wilson + Tom Hanks

Do I really need to explain this? Well, Rita may need to explain her wedding dress, but other than that, you get it.

Lin-Manuel Miranda + Vanessa Nadal

If you aren’t #HamilTrash like us, you probably don’t know how much Lin-Manuel (the creator/star/writer/literal genius behind Hamilton) loves his wife. Like truly is in love with his wife in a poetic way. And we might be too. She’s gorgeous, witty (per Twitter) and equally as smart as Lin – she has a chemical engineering degree from MIT, and when she got bored with that, decided to get her law degree from Fordham. When I’m bored, I stalk the Kardashians on Instagram. Anyways, when he gets the chance to gush over Vanessa, Lin jumps at the opportunity. It’s probably because he’s a master of words, but he makes it seem like their relationship is a great love that cannot be compared. I believe it.

Michelle Obama + Barack Obama

Do I really need to explain this? Part two.

The Brangelina Relationship As Told In Rachel Green Gifs

Not so long ago, tabloids and entertainment news shows couldn’t get enough of the (probably very manufactured) rivalry between Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. But now Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston have a lot in common – they’re both separated from Brad Pitt! – and we think it’s time to talk about them in the same breath once again.

To be clear: we don’t care a whole lot about the Brad/Angelina announcement, except that we feel sad for people who are going through a tough time. They both seem like okay people, but we’ve never really stanned for them as a couple or as individuals. However, we do care about any excuse to describe a situation through the words and actions of Rachel Karen Green, Greenwich Village’s hottest underqualified Ralph Lauren executive:

2004: Brad and Angelina meet and fall in love on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.  Brad is married to Jennifer Aniston.

(More relevant to our interests: this is the year that Friends ended.)

2004-2007: Despite Brad being the cheater, tabloids get a little too obsessed with Angelina and Jennifer’s supposed rivalry.

March 2005: Jennifer Aniston files for divorce: irreconcilable differences.

PS, at the time Aniston’s net worth is about $150 million dollars.

July 2005: Brad and Angelina won’t confirm relationship but will pose for a photo spread as parents of a brood of young children they don’t know.

January 2006: Angelina Jolie announces her pregnancy.

May 2006: Baby Shiloh is born. By this time, Brad has adopted Angelina’s older children, Maddox and Zahara.

 

March 2007: The Jolie-Pitts adopt Pax from Vietnam.

Guys, it was either this or Rachel and Ross singing Baby Got Back to Emma.

July 2008: Twins Knox and Vivienne are born.

2009: Brad announces that he and Angelina won’t get married until it’s legal for everyone to do so.

Image result for rachel green cheat

April 2012: The couple announces their engagement; Angelina begins wearing a wedding ring.

2013: Amid cheating rumors, a spate of magazines have cover stories about Brad declaring “I made a mistake”

August 2014: Brad and Angelina get married, roughly 7 years after I thought they were married.

2015: Rumors (possibly unfounded) of brad cheating begin to circulate.

2015: Brad and Angelina release a movie together. It’s called By The Sea. Chances are, you didn’t watch it.

April 2016: The Jolie-Pitts, who granted, have a ton of money, move into a house that costs $21,000 a month.

September 2016: Cheating rumors reach a high point (still unconfirmed).

September 20, 2016: Angelina Jolie files for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences.

 

That’s Professor Angelina Jolie to You

Angelina Jolie recently announced she’s going to be a professor at the London School of Economics. Yeah, you read that right. Ok, I guess there’s more. She’ll be a visiting professor at the school and will teach a master’s class at the Center for Women, Peace and Security. Angelina is expected to discuss the role of women as they work alongside governments and the United Nations. If you’re wondering, the job is unpaid. So that all checks out.

I can only imagine that first class – as a student, impatiently waiting for a full-blown Hollywood superstar to come through the door and teach you about the world. It would be surreal and I don’t know how anyone could manage to easily pay attention. And that’s Angelina Jolie. I don’t even fangirl for her that much. But what if your faves stood behind a podium and taught you a college course? Or ever worse – one of your least faves walked in to give a lecture?

I’ve compiled a list of just some celebs I think would be great professors, and some… that should maybe stick to their day jobs.

Best: Lin-Manuel Miranda

Fact – Lin used to be a substitute English teacher at his former high school, so he already has the skills to be a real professor. He’s always engaging, always interesting to listen to and is a literal genius. Not to mention he’s already taught millions of people around the world about an American founding father. Sure, we might have known he was shot in a duel, but without Lin’s creative way of infusing history into pop culture, we would probably never known Angelica Schuyler’s full story or stanned over a real dude named Hercules Mulligan. Lin’s a professor of life, y’all.

Worst: Quentin Tarantino

I just imagine him talking way too much and spending an extra 45 minutes over class time explaining why The Grim Reaper is the most underrated of all of Bertolucci’s films.

Best: Bryan Cranston

He played a high school chemistry teacher, so why not? You know, if you forget the whole drug dealer lit’rally breaking bad thing. IRL, Bryan never fails to entertain – I dare you to find an interview in which he’s not charming and hilarious. He’d be the cool professor that would be okay with you stealthily drinking wine out of a tumbler.

Worst: Kanye West

A 45 minute rant on art and business and fashion? Pass. I’d be ok with a 45 minute concert from him tho, TBH.

Best: Kerry Washington

Ah the queen. She’s obviously a phenomenal actress, but her philanthropy and passion to speak out about important causes like women’s rights and equality and education is energizing and I just want to learn how to be as much like her as possible.

Worst: Stacey Dash

I think that speaks for itself.

Worst: Idris Elba

Let’s face it, I wouldn’t get anything done. I’d spend the whole class picturing him naked, which is probably not a good way to pass a class. Maybe auditing is the way to go.