And just like that the 69th annual Cannes Film Festival came to an end on Sunday. A lot of headline-making news came out of the nearly two weeks on the French Riviera, including Julia Roberts’ first time at the fest, Woody Allen (just being present and alive), Blake Lively’s “Oakland booty”, Kristen Stewart’s movie getting booed, exes Sean Penn and Charlize Theron’s movie getting booed, and of course all the stunning fashion.
One of the most iconic aspects about the Cannes Film Festival is the red carpet and steps leading up to the Grand Theatre Lumiere. It’s here where stars are lit’rally surrounded by photographers, and then they’re meant to walk up the stairs (without tripping) in front of all the world to see. Speaking of Julia, she didn’t dare make a fool of herself during her Cannes debut, and she even walked up the stairs barefoot. But she wasn’t the only one to make her mark on the red carpet. I must admit, this year seemed a bit off to me fashion-wise. Usually there are more looks that are appealing to me, but here are a handful I did appreciate over the course of the past 11 days at Cannes.
Anna Kendrick in Stella McCartney {Cafe Society premiere}
Over the years, Anna’s been on my best dressed list for various events, but it wasn’t until recently that I really realized just how much I adore her style. She always looks classy and beautiful and never over the top.
Riley Keough in Gucci {American Honey Premiere}
Apparently this dress got mixed reviews by fashion critics, but I happen to think it’s great. The fabric is so intriguing to me and I actually like the color combo. I’d be interested to see if that yellow color is more mustard or pea green IRL, which may or may not change my mind about liking it.
Marion Cotillard in Dior Haute Couture {From the Land and the Moon premiere}
Timeless beauty, that Marion Cotillard. This is the type of dress that is perfect for Cannes – classic and simple yet glamourous and eye-catching. I love the pop of red from her lipstick and the subtle slit on the side of the dress.
Elle Fanning in Zuhair Murad {The Neon Demon Premiere}
Elle Fanning is an adult. Well, she’s 18 so she’s technically an adult. But like Dakota, she’s always had a great sense of style, maybe even moreso than her older sis. This gown is perfect for a young lady of her age, and the sheer skirt makes it just sexy enough to show she’s not a kid anymore.
Kirsten Dunst in Gucci {Cafe Society premiere}
I normally wouldn’t be into a dress like this but for some reason I totally am. Reasons: A) the blush pink color. B) The dainty black bow belt C) Long sleeved realness D) The flowers should be obnoxious, but they’re not
Kirsten Dunsty in Dior Haute Couture {Jury photocall}
I had to put one of Kirsten’s first looks from the festival on here too because I loved it so much. She was one of the jury members this year so she had to be at a lot of the events. But this 1950s inspired dress reminds me of Grace Kelly and old Hollywood glamour. Like she’s a movie star from the ’50s and she’s vacationing in the French Riviera. The gold belt gives it a modern twist and the shoes are weirdly both retro and futuristic at the same time. Not pictured: the rattan purse she toted around.
Bella Hadid in Alexandre Vauthier Couture {The Unknown Girl Premiere}
Well this was definitely the most talked about dress at Cannes this year. New It Girl Bella Hadid showed up with a slit so high Angelina Jolie’s leg would be jealous. I’m always impressed when ladies can pull something like this off. I don’t even necessarily think she’s one of the best dressed, but rather the most daring. Also I read an article from her stylist – in case you’re wondering, a bodysuit is basically sewn into the dress, so even if the skirt moved in a way you’d see her crotch, you wouldn’t be able to see anything because she has a high-waisted red satin body suit under there.
Adele Exarchopoulos in Louis Vuitton {The Last Face premiere}
My first reaction to this was a big Nope Keep Scrolling. But then I went back to it and grew to love it. Cannes is usually more formal and ball gown-y, especially on the red carpet, but this is totally her style. Her hair and make-up also push the entire look over the edge to fabulous.
Charlize Theron in Dior {The Last Face premiere}
Adele’s co-star Charlize Theron showed up in her best revenge suit for the premiere of their film which was directed by her ex Sean Penn. I love a lady looking fierce in a suit, and Charlize is werk.ing. it. The low cut blouse, the pulled back hair, the semi-flared pants and black heels – TO DIE. Also, she kept hanging on to Adele the entire time they did press, so naturally the Internet ships them already. Ok, I do too.
Charlize Theron in Givenchy {The Last Face Photocall}
For a more feminine look, Charlize opted to wear this lace number for the movie’s photo call, which is traditionally the time when stars can be more lax in their outfits. Charlize still looks as great as she does at the premiere, and I appreciate that she didn’t overdo it with make-up or accessories, since the dress can speak volumes for itself.
Ryan Gosling in Ralph Lauren Purple Label {The Nice Guys premiere}
This holiday season has been all about some movie called Star Wars, but if we dig into our noggins, we can remember back to last year when it was all about a musical called Into The Woods. I mean, not the same hoopla or box office intake, but like, to us, the same.
Over the holidays, two more stage to screen musicals made their debuts in the theatres – Annie and Into the Woods. One featured a scantily clad Cameron Diaz taking over a role made famous by Carol Burnett, and one has Meryl Streep singing songs adapted for the big screen by the OG composer and lyricist. We went to see one of those movies, and it rhymes with Shminto the Shwoods (it’s Into the Woods).
Into the Woods is classic Stephen Sondheim, with a difficult and sophisticated score and complex characters who thrive (or don’t, I guess) in a group setting. But Sondheim’s works are like onions – there are so many layers to it that it’s incomprehensible that he’s managed to incorporate so many themes and plot lines and characters into one cohesive production. It’s why he’s one of the greatest composers/lyricists to ever exist.
That being said, Into the Woods specifically tells the tale (or tales) of mostly pre-existing characters from several Brothers Grimm fairy tales. While the idea of keeping up with 15ish people’s lives sounds daunting, Sondheim, along with Rob Marshall who directed the film version, make the big screen version easy to follow, even for non-theater nerds who have no idea what they’re getting into. But if you do fit into that category and still need help delineating who’s who, we have come up with brief character bios for everyone in the musical.
*Editor’s note: we clearly made these up ourselves. If you haven’t seen the movie yet, this will all make more sense once you do. For now, just assume we’re hilarious.
Witch
Musical training: learned to “rap” from an early 1990s “hip hop” tape that teaches multiplication to fourth graders.
Hair inspiration: The “colorful hair” tag on Tumblr
Secret Wish: To be Elphaba in Wicked
Baker
High school superlative: Actual Prince Charming
Famous Relatives: Mr. Mellark
Baker’s Wife
Talents:grocery shopping without a written list
Non-talents:Staying near her damn cow
Personal gripe:Direct quote: “I have lived in my town for 15 damn years and nobody has even bothered to ask what my name is.” [It’s Wendy. No. Was it Stacy? Crystal. Probably. Wait… Lisa, maybe?]
Secret hobby: One-upping all of the other ladies on her infertility/ pregnancy planning message board. “Oh, that’s cute about your tilted uterus and IVF. I had a witch’s curse, and first we tried a cow as white as milk…” She seems sweet, but make no mistake: those broads hate her.
Cinderella
Hair inspiration:The prom issue of a late-90s Delia*s catalog
Height:Little Red / Jack
Weight: see above
Wardrobe secrets:really more into flats
Future career: organizing guru / sole proprietor of a housecleaning service
Side gig:motivational speaker, touring high schools with her presentation Losing My Shoe, Finding Myself: What I Learned In The Woods
Cinderella’s Dead Mother Tree
Famous relatives: Grandmother Willow from Pocahontas; Whomping Willow from Harry Potter
Weakness: Gossiping too much with the other trees about the fools running around the woods with cows and shit
Hidden talents: Nothing. She’s a tree.
Hobbies: photosynthesis, maybe?
Cinderella’s Prince
Arch nemeses: T.L.C. ( chases waterfalls, despite their admonitions)
Nickname: McStreamy
Favorite Cologne: Sex Panther
Cinderella’s Stepmother
Weird Fetish: Feet
Famous Relatives: Anjelica Houston
Florinda
Hairstyling Secret: Uses the Air Curler on the daily
Hair inspiration:Amy March
Dislikes: Open-toed shoes
Lucinda
Secret wish: To hook up with Elsa from Frozen
Occupation: Studying to be a ballerina, working exclusively en pointe.
Top Google hit: “Lucinda + feet”
Little Red
Occupation: Cautionary Tale
Personal motto: Nice is different than good
Arch nemesis:Sophia Grace from The Ellen DeGeneres show; everyone who has ever played Annie
Life goals:To be the first child in musical theater to achieve MALRAC (playing the roles of Matilda, Annie, Little Red, Amaryllis, and Cosette)
Little Red Riding Hood’s Grandmother
Allergies: Gluten
Famous Relatives: Old Rose from Titanic, Wendy Darling
Weaknesses: Befriending wild animals in the woods
The Wolf
Criminal background: Allegorical Rapist
Deepest Secret: Sort of … really obviously human
You may know him from the TLC special: I Swallowed Two Humans!: The Man With The Cavernous Stomach
Jack
Personal history:emerged fully formed from a 22-year-old’s “Future Children 🙂 ” Pinterest board
Life goals: to be the first child in musical theater to achieve a BEJOG (playing the roles of Billy Elliott, Jack, Oliver, and Gavroche)
Weakness: Peer pressure
Jacks’ Mother
Favorite TV shows: Dance Moms, House Hunters International, Gilmore Girls
Skills: Basketweaving, hairdressing, makes killer zucchini bread
Allergies: Beans
Giant
Famous Relatives: Jack Black (in Gulliver’s Travels), Shaq
Life Motto: “Size does matter”
Giant’s Wife
Dislikes: Little kids messing with magic beans and killing giants, never finding clothes that fit at Talbots or Chicos
You May Know Her From The I.D. Special: Dateline Nightline: When Giant Housewives Snap
The Beanstalk
Favorite pastime: Messing with people’s front yards
Fun fact: Was up for the role of venus flytrap Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors (1986), but deemed “not venus flytrap-y enough”.
Famous Relatives: The grapevine (of “heard it through the…” fame)
Rapunzel
Biggest secret:Shhh! They’re extensions.
Fun fact: Secretly has her own line of extensions she sells on Etsy
Secret Wish: To be a lounge singer on a Disney Cruise Line
Rapunzel’s Prince
Hair inspiration: Derrick from Full House
Secondary hair inspiration: Dawson Leery
Awards: Was named fastest climber in elementary school P.E. rope climb test
Cow
Occupation: Cow
Special Skills: Makes milk
Pet Peeves: Being led around a forest for hours by a kid and a singing British couple
Annoying habit: Says “my stomachs hurt!” whenever she doesn’t feel well. Yes. You have multiple stomachs. WE KNOW.
Stephen Sondheim
Occupation: Bad ass father of musical theatre
Brags The Most About: That one cameo he made in 2003 musical theatre film Camp (starring Anna Kendrick)
Fun Fact: Has Meryl Streep and Bernadette Peters’ phone numbers (probably)
The 2015 Awards Season finally came to an end last night as Neil Patrick Harris sang and danced his way into our homes, Birdman “flew high” with a lot of awards and all the punny headlines, and Adele Dazeem finally got back at Glom Gazingo, who managed to be even creepier than ever before.
So as we take one last look at last night’s Oscars (which you can relive with our live blog here), we break down our favorite and not-so-favorite looks from Hollywood’s big night. Did your faves make the cut? Or were they snubbed like The Lego Movie and everything is actually not awesome?
Best Dressed
Molly’s Picks
Margot Robbie in Saint Laurent
Usually a black dress wouldn’t make my list, but we were seeing so much white and color last night that it was refreshing. This was like a modern take on the 1930s vamp look, and the red lip and vintage ’30s tassel necklace added just enough color. Sometimes loose hair can look too undone at the Oscars, but at this length it’s perfect.
Rosamund Pike in Givenchy
I’m in the fashion minority, but I don’t really like contour dresses. They always make me think of wearing a dress that has an outline of where a skinnier person could fit. But that’s when they do a full-body effect. The satin inserts draw her waist in, but it’s not obvious. I keep zooming in to look at the texture. They always say it’s hard to wear red on the red carpet, but it was a gamble worth taking here.
Lupita Nyong’o in Calvin Klein Collection
Only Lupita is so lovely and precious that she would wear a dress made entirely of pearls. You know, because she’s a pearl of a girl. Hi. I’m your grandpa. The light hit this beautifully. One article called this a Josephine Baker look and it totally is – 1920s but not a full flapper getup or anything. Also I cannot imagine how uncomfortable it must be to wear a dress made of 6,000 pearls.
Reese Witherspoon in Tom Ford
In some lights this was white, in others ice blue. Anyone want to weigh in? I’m on the “ever so slightly blue” side myself, but not in this photo. In any event, on a night when beading and tulle seemed to be the order of the day (not complaining!) this simple look was a nice change of pace. Witherspoon was promoting the #AskHerMore campaign last night, by the way, so for once we actually got to hear more questions about her portrayal of the awesome Cheryl Strayed and fewer questions about her ensemble.
Jennifer Lopez in Elie Saab
The rest of my true Top 5 is covered in Traci’s list below, so why not cover someone who ALMOST made the cut? J.Lo always looks like some sort of modern princess, but the asymmetrical beading/accent work keeps her from looking too Cinderella/Belle/Whatever. If I had a magic wand I’d lose about an inch of fabric from the bottom – the pooling is nice but it was hard for her to walk in. And I’d put that inch of fabric on the inside of the neckline – the plunge is fantastic but it’s just thatmuch too bare on the inside.
Traci’s Picks
Anna Kendrick in Thakoon
Oh goddess that is Anna Kendrick. This is one of my favorite looks from her – ever. The coral color is a perfect compliment to her paler complexion and the halter/keyhole combo is simple yet elegant and on point for the Oscars. She really is a princess.
Jennifer Aniston in Versace
Just call this Jen’s ‘Suck it for not nominating me’ gown. Despite the fact she got left out of the running this year, she still managed to look better than a lot of the other nominees in this stunning gold beaded gown. It’s a simple strapless dress, but the swooping lines and shiny touches are just enough to make you admire in awe.
Emma Stone in Elie Saab
OSCAR NOMINEE Gemma Skrones (I honestly can’t stop saying her name like that ever since Andrew Garfield called her that) is looking divine in this lime green *backless* number from Elie Saab. Paired with her gorge hair, it’s a great modern day take on old school Hollywood glamour, and I’m into it.
David Oyelowo in Dolce & Gabanna
The men’s trend this year was Not Black Tuxes, there were a handful of white suits (see Grand Budapest Hotel contingent) and Jared Leto Lavender, but nothing compared to David Oyelowo. Like Jennifer Aniston before him, David opted to wear his ‘suck it’ suit, and went with a bold dark red (crimson?) suit by Dolce & Gabbana that made him stand out from the crowd, despite the fact he didn’t get a nomination. But listen, I think Selma and everyone involved won the moment John Legend and Common stepped on the stage. So win/win.
Zoe Saldana in Atelier Versace
This champagne dress is beautifully made on its own, but add that to the fact that Zoe produced two – TWO – humans a mere three months ago and she managed to go on the red carpet and look like this. Hot freaking mama.
I really loved this until she turned around and I saw the butt-panel, too.
Gwyneth Paltrow in Ralph & Russo
Apparently Gwyneth is 42, which is not at all old, but I always think of her as a 20-something because she imprinted in my head during the Shakespeare In Love era. This dress is the same color as her iconic pink Oscar gown, and I almost really like it except that the shoulder reminds me of cabbage. Otherwise flawless.
Lady Gaga in Alaia
First of all, I know that it’s Lady Gaga so we aren’t really judging her on the same criteria as everyone else. Still, I saw this and my heart sank a little. You haven’t been hearing that much about her, and then she shows up in dishwashing gloves. I was never a superfan but I always thought she seemed like such a nice gal and I was hoping for a career reboot. Then she KILLED the Sound Of Music tribute and this look faded to the recesses of my memory.
Keira Knightley in Valentino
She’s pregnant, so it doesn’t even seem fair to place her on this list. If I’m ever pregnant I’m probably going to be dressed in sweatpants and frustration from the moment my clothes stop fitting. But the scalloped bodice and floaty florals look like a maternity flower girl dress. Knightley looked gorge at the Vanity Fair party, so she ended the evening on a high note. And dress aside, holy cow, she really IS glowing.
Scarlett Johansson in Versace
I have relatives who STILL buy me things in green because when I was a kid it was my favorite color. It’s weird to have a favorite color as an adult, but I still love it. And this dress is the perfect shade for ScarJo, and it’s really well-tailored, too. But then that necklace looks like it was poached from a Muppet’s neck-ruff or something. So close/so far.
Traci’s Picks
Julianne Moore in Chanel
I’d like to preface this by saying I adore Julianne Moore and think she deserves all the accolades and praise she’s received over the years, especially with her first Oscar last night. But. Woof. It’s not an ‘Oscar-winning dress’ and it’s really not a dress that anyone should wear. ever. The beading is impressive, however the design itself is no bueno. She should’ve gone with a green dress like from the SAGs earlier this year.
Laura Dern in Alberta Ferretti
Once a Gladiator, Always a Gladiator. In a literal suit of armor.
Felicity Jones in Alexander McQueen
Felicity seems like a delightful, British gal, but it’s almost as if she took one of those fashion design stencil plates and mix and matched a top and bottom that don’t actually go together. A for effort though, I guess.
Behati Prinsloo in Armani Prive
I never get how models can just not hit the mark on the red carpet. It’s their actually job to sell clothes, but when they wear a dress like this, it’s hard to sell. And the thing is that she’s a beautiful girl, but with that weird large necklace and slicked back hair, none of it is working for her.
Blanca Blanco
I don’t really know who this is. I don’t know who designed her dress. But this is like Cinna’s first draft of Katniss’ Girl on Fire gown but decided it was too disgusting for the Games.
(Dis)Honorable Mention: John Travolta in this chain necklace. What in the world.
Hi friendos! It’s Hollywood’s biggest night tonight and we’ll be by your side to give you the play by play for all 10 hours of it! Just kidding. It’s more like 8. Either way, we’ll be starting our live blog at 7pm EST/4pm PST, so watch this space for updates.
As always, please refresh your browser window periodically to load our up-to-the-minute commentary. You can also follow us on Twitter for updates in 140 characters or less at @cookiessangria (a button linking directly to our Twitter is conveniently located in the sidebar!).
And watch this video of this year’s host, Neil Patrick Harris slaying at the 2013 Tony Awards. He’s obviously the king of awards shows, and this proves it. I confess I always cry when it gets to around the 5:40 mark. I mean Harvey Fierstein is crying, come on! I can’t wait to see what he does for the Oscars!
M: As of 6:30, the E! preshow is like a scene in a sitcom where they’re putting on a school play, and the kid isn’t on stage for his cue, and the piano keeps playing the intro over and over until he shows up. A lot of stalling as they wait for celebrities to speak with them.
From what I’m seeing, Margot Robbie is wearing a deep-necked black number that isn’t the sort of thing that usually makes my best dressed list, but it just might this time.
Anna Kendrick has a gorgeous pink-coral gown and looks exactly like you’d hope an actress who just played Cinderella would look.
And then the men are just wearing tuxes or whatever.
… which is the perfect segue to discuss #AskHerMore, the hashtag/movement spearheaded, in part, by our favs at Amy Poehler’s Smart Girls. The concept being that women on the red carpet are asked about their outfits but not the work they’re actually nominated for. Now, I do like knowing what people are wearing – and when dresses are comped/borrowed in exchange for plugging the designer, it’s also partially a business exchange. But, ask about the dress then move onto other things? Great! However, I don’t think that Ryan Seacrest asking Dakota Johnson what props she took home from 50 Shades Of Gray is quite what they had in mind.
The Theory of Everything was the first time I really saw Felicity Jones, and this is probably a weird comment but her teeth are adorable. And she and Marion Cotillard have like bubbly polka dots, almost? Is that a trend? I’m old.
T: HI. STILL NOT OVER THE MAGIC THAT IS LUPITA. A FREAKING ANGEL EVERYWHERE SHE GOES. Can she win tonight without even being nominated?
M: As far as I’m concerned, Lupita Nyong’o is winning every day of her life.
T: So I am lit’rally 10 minutes away from the Oscars right now, and I can tell you that it JUST starting raining again after an on/off morning. Also, it’s unusually “cold” (sorry East Coasters, feel free to smack me through the computer screen) here, so I can only imagine these people, especially the gals, freezing on the red carpet right now. YES I SAID FREEZING.
M: Yeah, I was sitting here thinking “don’t type cold… don’t type cold.” NEGATIVE 12 BEFORE WINDCHILL. Rain is a bummer though.
T: Listen. Cold is relative. It’s been scientifically proven that your body acclimates to the weather around you. Hence, 50s-60s is cold for the average 70-80s weather in Los Angeles.
M: I don’t think the human body can acclimate to negative temperatures. Mine just, like, quits. John Legend says that he’s a “Gucci man” and it looks like Chrissy Teagan is a coochie lady. As in I can almost see hers. Because her dress is slit, like, to her waist.
T: Um Zoe Saldana had a baby 3 MONTHS AGO and looks better than I have or ever will wtf
M: * Two. TWO BABIES. She looks great though. She somehow looks less tired as the mother of baby twins than I do as just an adult trying to function as a human.
M: Why is Chloe* Kardashian here and why is she wearing Samantha Parkington’s Christmas dress? Although she’s talking about her car spinning out last week, and that happened to me last year and my car was nearly totalled, and that shit is scary. But that still doesn’t mean you get to go to the Oscar’s red carpet.
* I realize that it’s Khloe but come on, that’s stupid.
Oooh and now she’s shitting on Anna Kendrick’s dress. Don’t step, Kardashian.
T: Kerry Washington ::emoji with heart eyes:: Honestly, sometimes I’m not that into her gowns but I will always always fangirl after her.
M: I appreciate that she’s always willing to try something different, but the top of it looked like a Fancy Lady Church Suit fabric. But she still looked better than your favs.
T: I just realized there’s still an hour before the show even BEGINS. Hunker down folks. Ration out the vodka and popcorn.
M: I’m already tired! I zoned out for a second because I was typing. Is that lady in the pink dress on E! Baby Spice??
She also looks like the little blonde one in Celtic Woman that they make dance around with a fiddle.
T: I have to also watch the Oscars.com red carpet for work and they’re actually interviewing the sound mixers from American Sniper… I mean kudos but… really?
M: I feel like they must have thought they were someone else. Also I couldn’t even come up with an intelligent question to ask them. “So, what does it… sound… like?”
T: They talked about the movie being successful. Nothing abound sound mixing. Probably a sign you shouldn’t be interviewing the sound mixers? #NoShadeToSoundMixers
M: Does that mean they’re giving that award out tonight? Lord give me strength.
We have now reached the part where the E! ladies talk about dresses and um… I don’t know. I’ll say what dresses I like and don’t like, but they’re a little mean. And not in the sassy old lady way Joan Rivers could be.
T: “Good luck tonight, BIRDMEN! Maybe you’ll be flying tonight! ….. Right??” Ugh whoever this person is on ABC.com talking to the Birdman sound mixers trying to make a punny joke. Yes, that’s two sound mixer interviews so far.
M: I’m trying really hard to make it known that I’m NOT throwing shade to sound mixers. I love when a movie sounds nice. Mix-wise. But umm…
M: E! just showed a far-away still shot of Chris Pratt helping Anna Farris out of a limo and even that maybe made me swoon a bit. What a lovely couple.
Speaking of adorable couples, Joanna Newsom and Andy Samberg.
And the only time I’ve read anything worthwhile on the E! news scroll: all of the sisters of the traveling pants are going to be godmothers to the other sister of the traveling pants’ baby. I missed the beginning of the message so, guys, it’s whomever is the pregnant one.
T: Props to JK Simmons to wearing a fedora on the night he *wins an Oscar* He’s also wearing a handkerchief that matches his wife’s dress. The Oscars = Hollywood’s prom, y’all.
Also, have you guys seen Damien Chazelle, the director of Whiplash? He’s 30 years old. The youngest director to be nominated. And only a year older than me. HE LOOKS LIKE A BABY.
M: He’s THIRTY? He looks like Seth Freaking Cohen. Ugh it’s so hard now that people are age are accomplishing big things; it doesn’t feel like there should even have been enough time between birth and now to get that far.
M: One shot I saw made it look like Jessica Chastain was wearing full-leg spanx. It looked like there was a nude-colored hemline at her ankle.
T: I’d probably wearing a full-body Spank (?) if I was on the red carpet at the Oscars. Luckily for everyone, that will never happen.
M: Look. If you could spanx your face so it stayed in the right non-creepy, attractive position the whole night, I’d even do that. I mean I guess Botox does that.
T: Because Big Hero 6 is nominated, the movie’s stars are obvi there, including Damon Wayans Jr. and Scott Adsit (Pete from 30 Rock) and it’s like.. weird to see them there? I feel like they should be on their respective sitcoms, even the dearly departed 30 Rock.
M: Between them and Pratt, I sort of love that my favorite sitcoms are represented. Oh! And Andy Samberg. But it is weird. Like seeing a teacher at the mall-weird.T: OH MY GOD A FILM EDITING NOMINEE IS TALKING ABOUT SPECS ABOUT CAMERAS HE USED FOR GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL. Who even.
M: You may think Traci works in entertainment news but like… come on, are you writing for a really specific trade journal or something? Why are they making you watch this? I’m so sorry and amused.
T: I think there were supposed to be more celebs on it? They ran out of people to interview, I guess, because this pre-show has been going on since Tuesday (I’m assuming)
M: Meanwhile on TV, they’re talking to Faith Hill and Tim McGraw. I feel like I’m watching any one of those weekly country music awards ceremonies.
M: Now that I’ve switched to ABC, I’m getting a second look at some actors. Like Kerry Washington. Her eye makeup is gorgeous and I didn’t notice that before.
Lady Gaga, who is I guess still famous? looks like a character from The Wizard Of Oz. The weird book series, not the movie. Like she’d be a fancy bird that sits on a clock or something. She also has developed a vaguely European accent. [And yet. She always seems like such a NICE person.]
T: CHRIS M’FIN EVANS. He brought his BFF Tara from home. Also brought his beard. And his handsomeness. God bless.
M: I have not seen a single Marvel movie (that’s the thing? with the heroes?) but I absolutely love him.
T: Yes! I have seen Iron Man. And Iron Man 2…. Guardians of the Galaxy is on its way from Netflix. I LOVE TELEVISION.
T: This is Lorelei Linklater from Boyhood, who has been absent from most of the awards show circuit, but WHO is that boy.
T: LITERAL LOL for the “best and whitest” joke.
GUYS I LOVE NPH AND SINGING ANNA KENDRICK ANNA KENDRICK ANNA KENDRICK
M: SUCK IT KARDASHIAN.
For the folks at home, my dog just basically peed herself (it’s this weird hormonal thing, she’s house trained, NO1Curr.) Oscars opening number is the worst time ever to have to clean up a dog’s pee fur.
T: Also, glad I watched Gone Girl on Valentine’s Day (romantic) because seriously would’ve been spoiled during the ‘slit his throat’ line during this opening.
M: It didn’t even register that that was a spoiler but yeah, glad I read it first (which will TOTALLY spoil the movie once I get around to it.)
Can we get a lip read on Oprah after NPH told her she was rich?
I don’t listen to audio books, but if Lupita Nyong’o read them I’d listen to the entire Bible.
Best Supporting Actor
Robert Duvall, The Judge
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Edward Norton, Birdman
Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
Traci’s Pick: J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
I’m kind of scared to watch Whiplash based on the one clip I’ve seen of JK Simmons bullying the crap out of Miles Teller. I’m not good at disobeying authority figures.
Molly’s Pick: J.K Simmons, Whiplash
I did see Whiplash and it’s exactly like Traci said.
Winner: J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
M: I mean, he seems very nice in real life. He wants us to call our parents.
T: NO FEDORA?! COME ON JK SIMMONS. IT WAS YOUR MOMENT.
I also like that we can see Jared Leto super clearly because of his amazing lavender suit.
I also like that NPH gets to show off his magic skills during the show.He’s really really good.
M: Remember this two-minute bit about a suitcase locked in a box when the show is 10 minutes over and they cut all of the major winners off after 30 seconds.
I have trouble understanding how Dakota Johnson is here.
SO BORED during Adam Levine’s song. It’s a fine song, the lighting design is good, but the show is only 20 minutes in and it already feels like a long one.
Best Costume Design
Milena Canonero, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Mark Bridges, Inherent Vice
Colleen Atwood, Into the Woods
Anna B. Sheppard and Jane Clive, Maleficent
Jacqueline Durran, Mr. Turner
Traci’s Pick: Colleen Atwood, Into the Woods
Colleen has been nominated in this category 11 times and has won thrice, and her fabulous fantasy forest couture could win her the fourth.
Molly’s Pick: Colleen Atwood, Into The Woods
From Cinderella’s Delia*s ball dress to Jack’s little Swedish Burberry model outfit, these costumes were perfection.
Winner: Milena Canonero, The Grand Budapest Hotel
M: Actually, that’s pretty fair.
M: NPH, you’re so cute you don’t need to scrunch your nose when you smile.
T: So The Grand Budapest Hotel is winning a lot of awards tonight, then? I mean, okay.
These young Oscar winners or whatever Channing Tatum is introducing make me feel like if I were up there, I’d probably burst out crying. Meryl Streep AND LUPITA?? I’d die.
M: This Polish director of Ida is so adorable.
T: …Is it weird that whenever I hear Mauritania, I think of the boat that picked up the survivors of the Titanic?
M: Wasn’t the Mauritania the one at the beginning when Sassy Rose is like “it doesn’t look any bigger than the Mauritania?” then Cal has to be a dick and tell us like exactly how much longer the Titanic is?
Hi. My name is Molly and I watched Titanic so many times in 6th grade that I still have it memorized.
T: Yes. That is correct. Us with Titanic:
M: I hope this seat filler isn’t going to get in trouble for acknowledging her existence.
T: I love you Steve Carrell, but I was distracted trying to figure out if that was Idris Elba behind him.
M: Ha what, Tegan and Sara and Lonely Island are performing Everything Is Awesome? And now I’m going to have this in my head all night.
T: THE LONELY ISLAND. THESE FOLKS ARE PERFORMING ON THE OSCARS RIGHT NOW:
❤ Jorma ❤
Also, GOLDEN GLOBE WINNER ANDY SAMBERG
QUESTLOVE! IS THIS THE REAL DEVO GUY
M:I didn’t stop smiling through the whole number. Like mouth-open smiling. LEGO OSCAR THAT THEY GAVE TO OPRAH. Everything is awesome. Everyone in the crowd is making the same dopey grin that I am.
M: I don’t know what the seating situation is at the Oscars with much specificity, but maybe don’t put the nominees in the balcony? The guy who won for short film just said “crikey” and then said that the statuette was heavy “because we’re only little.” Bless.
T: I want to talk like this donut dude for the rest of the night.
M: Or TO him, maybe? Like he could do some of that lame banter they give to the presenters.
Kerry Washington is not joking even a little bit about pronouncing the foreign nominees’ names properly. Smarter than your favs, too.
M: Gwyneth Paltrow, you may be beautiful and classy, but your sleeve still looks like cabbage.
T: Honestly, guys, Country Strong wasn’t THAT bad. Just me? Okay.
M: I thought it was all right. Am I supposed to admit that? Oh well.
T: I AM ACTUALLY CLAPPING OUT LOUD FOR NPH RN.
T: Oh good the sound mixing/editing categories!!!!
M: Any predictions or favorites?
T: Whoever was interviewed earlier. I don’t think it was these guys? Ugh who knows. #AllWhiteMenLookTheSame
M: Particularly white men over the age of 60 or so. And white babies. It’s like all white people start life looking the same way, diverge a bit for a little while, then end up at the same place.
T: Oh actually I think American Sniper was one of them. Congrats boys!
M: Now it’s sound editing, which is an entirely different thing from sound mixing. I do not dispute that good sound editing/mixing is integral to a movie, but it also seems like something that might be more comfortable at the technical awards.
M: Jared Leto, wearing a tux the color of his eyes. Which would be fine if his eye were black or off-white. Catalano does what he wants.
T: WWJCD (the other WWJD)
M: Emma Stone holding a Lego Oscar was about the cutest thing ever. And Meryl, not at all nervous because she doesn’t even have to care anymore.
Best Supporting Actress
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Laura Dern, Wild
Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game
Emma Stone, Birdman
Meryl Streep, Into the Woods
Traci’s Pick: Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
If there’s one thing I know in life, it’s that I will bet all my monies on Patricia Arquette winning this. Unless Meryl pulls a Meryl.
Molly’s Pick: Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
If only for being willing to film herself aging in real-time for 12 years. Don’t get me wrong, she looks amazing, but that would have been a fear of mine at the outset. But Emma Stone was the best part of Birdman.
Winner: Patricia Arquette
T: Wait I’m crying. GOD BLESS YOU PATRICIA ARQUETTE.
M: I was just going to write WHY AM I CRYING. Which is only weird because usually when winners try to get platform-y I feel a little secondhand embarrassment but nope.
T: Is Rita Ora going to sing Defying Gravity after this??
T: Okay who picked the soundtrack to the walk-out music? They just played Endless Love for the special effect categories.
M: I feel like in the special effects or tech-y categories, there’s always one guy in a Scottish scarf or a kilt or something.
M: THIS MUSIC. That was just “The Time Of My Life.”
T: Hear me out: A rom-com featuring Anna Kendrick and Kevin Hart as best friends who everyone thinks will end up together (a la Mindy and BJ). Hart to Hart? No that’s a thing already.
M: I think a height pun. A Little Bit Of Love. Pint Sized Love. Basically anything that means short and then the word love after it. Small Fry, Big Love.
T: Side note: I want all these hanging edison lights for my home.
Best Animated Feature
Big Hero 6
The Boxtrolls
How to Train Your Dragon 2
Song of the Sea
The Tale of Princess Kaguya
Traci’s Pick: How to Train Your Dragon 2
So the Lego Movie really isn’t going to win?
Molly’s Pick: Big Hero 6
Everything’s NOT awesome. Loved the characters in Big Hero 6, though.
Winner: Big Hero 6
M: I went to this with two of my nephews who hated it, on the advice of two of my other nephews who loved it. So they’re all really cute kids and everything, but now I know which ones have good taste in movies.
M: I think NPH just walked in to “Hey There, Georgie Girl.” Did somebody switch out the orchestra’s sheet music? Or is the musical theme “stuff that had really cheap royalties?”
T: Why s Anna Wintour sitting next to Harvey Weinstein? Why is Anna Wintour sitting at the Oscars? The Devil Wears Prada was in ‘06.
T: PRATT. I adore you.
M: HOOKED ON A FEELING? We’re being punked.
T: I think maybe Hooked on a Feeling had to do with Guardians of the Galaxy? IDK get back to me after I see it.
M: I really want to see it but also am afraid I’ll hate it. Or be bored, at least.
T: I… Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong… for IDRIS???
M: What if these are just being planned by someone with a great sense of humor, trying to give us all something silly to pay attention during this 9-hr-long show? Probably not. These are so all over the place that it almost seems like they’re part of the code. Maybe the titles form an acrostic.
T: Someone get Benedict Cumberbatch to solve this immediately. (That was an Imitation Game AND Sherlock ref. You’re welcome).
T: Is it rude to ask if Meryl just got an Oscar for the intro to the In Memoriam tribute?
M: I was watching it wondering if she was emotional or just a really good actress? Such is the difficulty of anything involving Meryl. Like, credit card rep listening to Meryl say that she “mailed it last week” or a dentist hearing that Meryl “flosses every day” would have no way to know if it was the truth.
T: Shout out to all of Meryl’s doctors, business people, and local grocers.
T: When did Batfleck get there???
Does Terrence Howard think this presentation is an audition … wait what happened. did the teleprompter go out? DOES JOHN TRAVOLTA HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS??
M: I’m almost positive that it did so he had to cover by pretending to be overcome with emotion.
T: NPH, I love you but you keep saying “Oyelowo” wrong. Did Brad Pitt teach you nothing?
M: I had to google whether I had been saying it wrong this whole time. I have not. It isn’t even hard to say properly?
T: Oh-YEH-Low-Whoa (i mean not correct phonetic spelling, but whatevs)
M: And I’m very well-versed in that look of panic people get when they have to read off your last name and don’t know how (see: my whole life having 4 consecutive silent letters in my surname), so I tend to cut people a break when they stumble a little. But you’re on TV. Show some respect for TV.
T: omg they just played Dreamgirls for Octavia Spencer’s walk-out… As she talks about Selma
M: I’m at two times crying tonight. Once at Patricia Arquette’s glorious mic-drop speech, and the second during the performance of Glory. Particularly when it was over and Oyelowo was crying.
T: *What Molly said because I am still crying and snotting right now.
M: New life goal: never get my chin cradled at close range by a Scientologist? WAIT what is his necklace.
T: Or just never get close to a Scientologist.
Best Original Song
“Everything Is Awesome” from The Lego Movie; Music and Lyric by Shawn Patterson
“Glory” from Selma; Music and Lyric by John Stephens and Lonnie Lynn
“Grateful” from Beyond the Lights; Music and Lyric by Diane Warren
“I’m Not Gonna Miss You” from Glen Campbell…I’ll Be Me; Music and Lyric by Glen Campbell and Julian Raymond
“Lost Stars” from Begin Again; Music and Lyric by Gregg Alexander and Danielle Brisebois
Traci’s Pick: Glory from Selma
Despite the fact I would really love to see The Lonely Island get an Oscar, I’m totally fine with seeing Common and John Legend up there lookin foine and winning their first Oscars.
Molly’s Pick: Everything Is Awesome from The Lego Movie
I really think Glory is the likely winner, but I want to see Lego win something. IDK what Begin Again is, but Danielle Brisebois is the original Molly from Annie, so that’s fun.
Winner: Glory
M: If Common were a preacher, I’d start going to church. * I don’t know whether to count this as a separate cry or a continuation of my last one.
M: Gaga singing The Sound Of Music… was not expecting it to go down like this.
T: Friendly reminder Gaga went to NYU (the special theatre school) for musical theatre.
M: Aww, I’ve never cared too much about Gaga (except I heard Poker Face today and remember that it was really fun when that album first came out)… but this is just darling. I honestly didn’t expect to like this. But on the east coast it’s also 11:20 so maybe they don’t have to do ALL the songs. Nothing’s that charming.
T: CRY COUNT 3! Although Glory counted as like 20. CRY COUNT 4 OMG OMG OMG OMG JULIE FREAKING ANDREWS. ROYALTY ON STAGE, Y’ALL.
Back to Gaga for a second – I’m SO glad she got to have this moment because people are quick to dismiss her because of her crazy outfits and pop music, but she’s a fantastic, impressive singer, and she got to show that tonight. 143 Gaga.
M: If you took a photo of me right now my eyeballs would have stars or hearts in them. (Plus still some tears.)
T: Everyone was clapping along to that Grand Budapest score in rhythm.
T: Oh my GOD you guys – WILL ARNETT WAS IN THE BATMAN COSTUME DURING THE EVERYTHING IS AWESOME PERFORMANCE
M: NOO REALLY?!?! Because I’m a celebrity creeper: I bet Archie and Abel flipped the heck out about that.
T: Archie and Abel are lit’rally the luckiest kids in the world
Best Original Screenplay
Birdman, Alejandro G. Iñárritu, Nicolás Giacobone, Alexander Dinelaris, Jr. & Armando Bo
Boyhood, Richard Linklater
Foxcatcher, E. Max Frye and Dan Futterman
The Grand Budapest Hotel, Wes Anderson & Hugo Guinness
Nightcrawler, Dan Gilroy
Traci’s Pick: The Grand Budapest Hotel
My record for liking Wes Anderson’s films is not that good, but I will say Grand Budapest was entertaining and I actually paid attention to what was happening. Only he could create this specific world of a European mystery adventure thriller with a backdrop dreams are made of.
Molly’s Pick: Birdman
Birdman, while probably technically very good, just didn’t do it for me. But I’m usually really into Wes Anderson and Grand Budapest wasn’t my fav. And the strength of Boyhood wasn’t really in the script. And I didn’t see the other movies.
Winner: Birdman
Best Adapted Screenplay
American Sniper, Jason Hall
The Imitation Game, Graham Moore
Inherent Vice, Paul Thomas Anderson
The Theory of Everything, Anthony McCarten
Whiplash, Damien Chazelle
Traci’s Pick: The Imitation Game
I have not seen any of these movies. This is total educated guess.
Molly’s Pick: The Theory of Everything, Anthony McCarten
So, I saw three of these, but haven’t read the books/whatever they were adapted from… this was a fantastic screenplay though.
Winner: The Imitation Game
M: That was totally deserved so I’m trying not to be TOO jealous that the writer looks to be possibly younger than we are.
T: CRY COUNT 5. THIS GUY NEEDS TO BE MY BEST FRIEND.
M: He’s such a cutie. At this point the crowd is like Catholic mass-status with all the sitting and standing.
T: So instead of giving Ben Affleck a nomination for directing Argo , he just gets to present the same award to some other white dude?
M: It’s like if I went back to our high school to announce prom queen.
[ Did we even have that?]
T: […Yes?]
Best Director
Alejandro Gonzalez Iñárritu, Birdman
Richard Linklater, Boyhood
Bennett Miller, Foxcatcher
Wes Anderson, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Morten Tyldum, The Imitation Game
Traci’s Pick: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu
Like best picture, it’s really down to Boyhood and Birdman for the big categories, and based on the fact Birdman has all those long uncut scenes, I’m going with Alejandro.
Molly’s Pick: Richard Linklater
Maybe it’s gimicky, but Boyhood was a novel approach that actually worked.
Winner: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu
M: I’m actually sort of embarrassed that I wasn’t into Birdman. I do understand why it was good, but, meh.
T: Didn’t see it. Feel like I should.
M: You can watch it on demand now, so that’s something. OH GOD. It’s 11:45. Come on. This is like the west coast’s revenge: for once, the east coast is stuck watching things at inconvenient times.
The west coast’s other revenge is that right now if you go outside on the east coast, there are actual warnings on the news to let you know you might Jack Dawson. (To Jack Dawson = to die by freezing)
T: Still can’t get over Steve Carell being nominated for an Oscar.
Best Actor
Steve Carell, Foxcatcher
Bradley Cooper, American Sniper
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Michael Keaton, Birdman
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
Traci’s Pick: David Oyelowo, Selma Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
It’s either Eddie or Michael Keaton, but I think Eddie has the slightest of edges because of his role as Stephen Hawking. It’s technically a bit more challenging and dodgier than playing an actor. It’s like Kate Winslet’s Holocaust/Oscars theory, but for disabled people. (was that PC?)
Molly’s Pick: Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
The thing that Traci said is right, though. And it wasn’t just how Redmayne captured Hawing’s physical impairments, but the whole — ugh, sorry, “emotional journey” of the character.
Winner: Eddie Redmayne
T: HE IS THE CUTEST.
M: Romcom where Eddie Redmayne and Lupita Nyong’o meet in some sort of a doctoral program and are fierce academic rivals but ultimately find love?
T: The Report Card. No. The Dean’s List. No. Grade A. Ugh I’m bad at this.
M: PINT SIZED LOVE. No we already used that.
Best Actress
Marion Cotillard, Two Days One Night
Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl
Reese Witherspoon, Wild
Traci’s Pick: Julianne Moore, Still Alice
She needs this. WE need this. THE WORLD NEEDS THIS.
Molly’s Pick: Julianne Moore, Still Alice
This falls under the “probably too sad to watch” category for me.
Winner: Julianne Moore
M: It’s midnight. I have a meeting to run first thing in the morning. NPH, this bit with your predictions is not endearing you to me.
Best Picture
American Sniper
Birdman
Boyhood
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game
Selma
The Theory of Everything
Whiplash
Traci’s Pick: Birdman
I keep changing my choice but let’s go with Birdman BUT BOYHOOD SHOULD WIN BECAUSE the story may be simple, but it’s every person’s story, and that’s why it’s impressive. Theoretically, a story about a family over the course of 12 years shouldn’t be this interesting, but with the divorce, marriage, abusive husbands, relationships, puberty, etc. these actors make you actually feel like you’re part of their lives. And an Oscar should be a part of theirs.
Molly’s Pick: Boyhood
This is a year without one clear winner. The movies I actually enjoyed the most were The Imitation Game, The Theory of Everything and Whiplash. But Boyhood did something that sounds so simple that it’s amazing nobody had attempted it before. It sounds like the top two picks are Boyhood and Birdman, and I think a larger proportion of the academy might vote for Boyhood.
Winner: Birdman
Thanks for sticking with us, everyone! We’ll be back tomorrow with our best and worst dressed picks!
Over the holidays, two more stage to screen musicals made their debuts in the theatres – Annie and Into the Woods. One featured a scantily clad Cameron Diaz taking over a role made famous by Carol Burnett, and one has Meryl Streep singing songs adapted for the big screen by the OG composer and lyricist. We went to see one of those movies, and it rhymes with Shminto the Shwoods (it’s Into the Woods).
Into the Woods is classic Stephen Sondheim, with a difficult and sophisticated score and complex characters who thrive (or don’t, I guess) in a group setting. But Sondheim’s works are like onions – there are so many layers to it that it’s incomprehensible that he’s managed to incorporate so many themes and plot lines and characters into one cohesive production. It’s why he’s one of the greatest composers/lyricists to ever exist.
That being said, Into the Woods specifically tells the tale (or tales) of mostly pre-existing characters from several Brothers Grimm fairy tales. While the idea of keeping up with 15ish people’s lives sounds daunting, Sondheim, along with Rob Marshall who directed the film version, make the big screen version easy to follow, even for non-theater nerds who have no idea what they’re getting into. But if you do fit into that category and still need help delineating who’s who, we have come up with brief character bios for everyone in the musical.
*Editor’s note: we clearly made these up ourselves. If you haven’t seen the movie yet, this will all make more sense once you do. For now, just assume we’re hilarious.
Witch
Musical training: learned to “rap” from an early 1990s “hip hop” tape that teaches multiplication to fourth graders.
Hair inspiration: The “colorful hair” tag on Tumblr
Secret Wish: To be Elphaba in Wicked
Baker
High school superlative: Actual Prince Charming
Famous Relatives: Mr. Mellark
Baker’s Wife
Talents:grocery shopping without a written list
Non-talents:Staying near her damn cow
Personal gripe:Direct quote: “I have lived in my town for 15 damn years and nobody has even bothered to ask what my name is.” [It’s Wendy. No. Was it Stacy? Crystal. Probably. Wait… Lisa, maybe?]
Secret hobby: One-upping all of the other ladies on her infertility/ pregnancy planning message board. “Oh, that’s cute about your tilted uterus and IVF. I had a witch’s curse, and first we tried a cow as white as milk…” She seems sweet, but make no mistake: those broads hate her.
Cinderella
Hair inspiration:The prom issue of a late-90s Delia*s catalog
Height:Little Red / Jack
Weight: see above
Wardrobe secrets:really more into flats
Future career: organizing guru / sole proprietor of a housecleaning service
Side gig:motivational speaker, touring high schools with her presentation Losing My Shoe, Finding Myself: What I Learned In The Woods
Cinderella’s Dead Mother Tree
Famous relatives: Grandmother Willow from Pocahontas; Whomping Willow from Harry Potter
Weakness: Gossiping too much with the other trees about the fools running around the woods with cows and shit
Hidden talents: Nothing. She’s a tree.
Hobbies: photosynthesis, maybe?
Cinderella’s Prince
Arch nemeses: T.L.C. ( chases waterfalls, despite their admonitions)
Nickname: McStreamy
Favorite Cologne: Sex Panther
Cinderella’s Stepmother
Weird Fetish: Feet
Famous Relatives: Anjelica Houston
Florinda
Hairstyling Secret: Uses the Air Curler on the daily
Hair inspiration:Amy March
Dislikes: Open-toed shoes
Lucinda
Secret wish: To hook up with Elsa from Frozen
Occupation: Studying to be a ballerina, working exclusively en pointe.
Top Google hit: “Lucinda + feet”
Little Red
Occupation: Cautionary Tale
Personal motto: Nice is different than good
Arch nemesis:Sophia Grace from The Ellen DeGeneres show; everyone who has ever played Annie
Life goals:To be the first child in musical theater to achieve MALRAC (playing the roles of Matilda, Annie, Little Red, Amaryllis, and Cosette)
Little Red Riding Hood’s Grandmother
Allergies: Gluten
Famous Relatives: Old Rose from Titanic, Wendy Darling
Weaknesses: Befriending wild animals in the woods
The Wolf
Criminal background: Allegorical Rapist
Deepest Secret: Sort of … really obviously human
You may know him from the TLC special: I Swallowed Two Humans!: The Man With The Cavernous Stomach
Jack
Personal history:emerged fully formed from a 22-year-old’s “Future Children 🙂 ” Pinterest board
Life goals: to be the first child in musical theater to achieve a BEJOG (playing the roles of Billy Elliott, Jack, Oliver, and Gavroche)
Weakness: Peer pressure
Jacks’ Mother
Favorite TV shows: Dance Moms, House Hunters International, Gilmore Girls
Skills: Basketweaving, hairdressing, makes killer zucchini bread
Allergies: Beans
Giant
Famous Relatives: Jack Black (in Gulliver’s Travels), Shaq
Life Motto: “Size does matter”
Giant’s Wife
Dislikes: Little kids messing with magic beans and killing giants, never finding clothes that fit at Talbots or Chicos
You May Know Her From The I.D. Special: Dateline Nightline: When Giant Housewives Snap
The Beanstalk
Favorite pastime: Messing with people’s front yards
Fun fact: Was up for the role of venus flytrap Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors (1986), but deemed “not venus flytrap-y enough”.
Famous Relatives: The grapevine (of “heard it through the…” fame)
Rapunzel
Biggest secret:Shhh! They’re extensions.
Fun fact: Secretly has her own line of extensions she sells on Etsy
Secret Wish: To be a lounge singer on a Disney Cruise Line
Rapunzel’s Prince
Hair inspiration: Derrick from Full House
Secondary hair inspiration: Dawson Leery
Awards: Was named fastest climber in elementary school P.E. rope climb test
Cow
Occupation: Cow
Special Skills: Makes milk
Pet Peeves: Being led around a forest for hours by a kid and a singing British couple
Annoying habit: Says “my stomachs hurt!” whenever she doesn’t feel well. Yes. You have multiple stomachs. WE KNOW.
Stephen Sondheim
Occupation: Bad ass father of musical theatre
Brags The Most About: That one cameo he made in 2003 musical theatre film Camp (starring Anna Kendrick)
Fun Fact: Has Meryl Streep and Bernadette Peters’ phone numbers (probably)
Summer camp? If you’re over the age of 20 or so, you probably don’t have time or money for that. Besides, if you’re over the age of 20 and have always dreamed of going to camp, the only way to get there is going to have to be by impersonating a kid. [Sounds like a good camp movie, right? I’m adding it to my to-write list; it sounds like an ABC Family-level concept.]
While you may not have two weeks and thousands of dollars to go off to camp, these movies and TV shows can transport you there – if only for a few hours at a time.
Movies
The Parent Trap
The movie: The Parent Trap – Hayley Mills and Lindsay Lohan versions alike – is tween girl wish-fulfillment, served straight-up. Think about it: realizing you have a secret twin. Living in London with a cool wedding gown designer mom, or in Napa with a fun dad and horses. Divorced parents reconciling. And the big one — spending six weeks at a camp where you’re given free reign to play poker, pull elaborate pranks, pierce your ears and try out a new hairstyle. No, really — where were the counselors?
For would-be campers who: are, or ever were, an 11-year-old girl; or, who want to give 11-year-old Lindsay Lohan a hug, a copy of a 2007-era US Weekly or Star Magazine, and a stern talking-to.
Troop Beverly Hills
The movie: Not technically a camp flick, this 1989 classic follows a group of rich girls trying to become real Girl Scouts.
For would-be campers who: like camping in theory, but realistically would rather have a slumber party in a hotel.
Addams Family Values
The movie: Your typical fish-out-of-water scenario — Pugsley and Wednesday Addams go to camp, finding themselves at odds with “camp culture.” The Harmony Hut scene still cracks me up.
For would-be campers who: will not – nay, can not – sing Kum Ba Ya or participate in group bonding activities.
Wet Hot American Summer
The movie: A counselor-centric comedy, this is a pastiche of 80s teen films and summer romances. Also, Amy Poehler. Paul Rudd. Molly Shannon. Bradley Cooper. AND SO ON.
For would-be campers who: suspect that the counselors are the ones having the real fun.
Camp Nowhere
The movie: With the exception of Lisa Loeb dancing the Macarena while wearing a slap-bracelet and sporting the Rachel, this is probably the most 90s thing you’ll ever see. Kids tell their parents they’re going to various fake summer camps, but actually create their own dream camp. It’s sort of a trumped-up version of the TV trope where kids tell their parents they’re staying at eachothers houses in order to go somewhere they shouldn’t.
I think there was also a wacky cop.
For would-be campers who: love summer fun, but hate the man.
Heavyweights
The movie: A group of kids eat their way through fat camp. Most of them were “90s-fat,” not “HBO documentary series on childhood obesity-fat”.
For would-be campers who: hate-read weight loss articles or obsess over “fitspo” on Pinterest and Tumblr.
Meatballs
The movie: A quintessential camp comedy and a clear inspiration for Wet Hot American Summer. Classic Bill Murray vehicle.
For would-be campers who: approach competitive events with the cry of “it just doesn’t matter!”
Camp
The movie: A teenage Anna Kendrick stars in a musical comedy about teens at theater camp; complete with requisite Gay Theater Boys (TM) and acapella moments that will make you tear up.
For would-be campers who: are former, or current, drama nerds.
Moonrise Kingdom
The movie: A very sweet, super-Wes Anderson-y tale about two kids (literal kids) in love against the odds.
For would-be campers who: enjoy a bit of visual interest and can maintain a healthy suspension of disbelief.
Indian Summer
The movie: Part of a wave of early 90s camp movies that I never quite realized happened until I was compiling this post, Indian Summer follows a group of adults taking a last-chance stab at the camp experience. I think it wanted to be The Big Chill. It isn’t.
For would-be campers who: Are adults who think camp still sounds like a blast. (If this sounds like you, stay tuned for our post on throwing your own “camp!”)
Television
Salute Your Shorts
The show: An anchor of the early 90s Nickelodeon schedule, Salute Your Shorts had some awesome characters and a theme song that’s probably still stuck in your head.
For would-be campers who: had cable as children.
Hey Dude!
The show: Hey Dude! was nearly interchangeable with Salute Your Shorts – again, the early 90s Camp-Based Entertainment Boom was a real thing — and probably the reason I still long to go to camp as a full-grown adult.
For would-be campers who: are pretty into horses or Southwestern decor.
Bug Juice
The show: Bug Juice was an early incarnation of the reality show and provides a true-to-life look at what camp is really like.
For would-be campers who: are reality TV junkies; watched and can remember Kid Nation.
Of course I was aware of Anna Kendrick, mainly from Up in the Air, not Twilight (c’mon, folks). But the more TV interviews I saw of her, the more I knew we could potentially be the best of friends. Obviously I did some further research on Anna, and I made the connection that she was in Camp, one of the most niche, musical theater movies ever. In my opinion, she stole the show with her fantastic, mature version of Ladies Who Lunch. I used to listen to that version over and over again in 2003, and had no idea who she was or what was to become of her. Turns out, Anna had been on Broadway when she was only 12 years old, and had already been nominated for a Drama Desk Award AND a Tony Award!! My brain exploded. She was a theater girl?!!? WE WERE MEANT TO BE. Then my fasination with her only began to grow, as I watched every interview, read every tweet, stalked every Instagram pic.
And that, fellow readers, is why she has a restraining order against me.
I jest. In an effort to get you all on board with the AK47 (which is her Twitter name and I just realized how awesome it was), here’s a few reasons why she is just the most awesome person ever. If you’re reading this… let’s be pals.
Accurately explaining the difference between East Coasters vs. West Coasters on Ellen
“Mysoginistic rapper Anna Kendrick has a dirty Taco Bell secret” on Conan
If you are an actor and you want me to fall in love with you, all you have to do is serenade me with your sweet, effortless, and amazing voice. There’s just something about being surprised with someone’s vocal ability that goes straight to my heart. Here are some of my favorite actors who have won me over with their voice, and maybe they’ll have the same effect on you.
Audra McDonald
Ok, this might be obvious to you if you’re a theater nerd, but if you only know Audra from her work on Private Practice, then you really don’t have an idea of just how big of a deal she is in the theater world. The woman has won five Tony Awards. FIVE. She’s tied for the record of winning the most Tonys with Angela Lansbury. Legit. Here’s just one of my favorite performances by her, but there’s oh so many to choose from.
Hunter Parrish
Hunter is not just a pot growing businessman on Weeds, he can also sing you a soothing song – possibly while selling you pot. He made his Broadway debut in Spring Awakening, and most recently played Jesus in the revival of Godspell, which is where this amazing song comes from.
Matt Bomer
Sure, you know he’s got moves and a killer bod from his role in Magic Mike, and of course he looks good in a suit on White Collar. But he can sing a Broadway standard with the best of them. Also, he played Darren Criss’ hot brother on Glee, and that was fantastic too.
Jeremy Renner
I never really thought anything of Jeremy Renner before, and it’s probably because I don’t think I’ve seen him in any of his movies? Anyways, he hosted SNL, and he surprised the shit out of me in his monologue by playing the piano and singing at the same time. Where did this voice come from? Please sing more. Kthx.
Like most people, I first saw the Chuck star sing on the Oscars a couple years ago, and was pleasantly surprised. But that didn’t stop me from trying to find videos of him singing on YouTube (that’s probably where most sane people drew the line).
Robert Downey Jr.
For those of you that forgot, Iron Man is a singer. He actually released an album in 2004, that is probably still available for purchase. For me, the moment my crush with RDJ went onto full on obsession was when he sang on Ally McBeal. Swoon City, I tell ya. Of course this was right before he went to rehab for the very last time, so his perfect romance with Ally didn’t get to last too long. At least we got a few songs out of it.
Jensen Ackles
I don’t even watch Supernatural. I did watch Days of Our Lives when he was on it, and I thought he was a smokeshow then. And he kind of has a smokeshow country voice now. Yeehaw.
Anna Kendrick
This is a no-brainer if you’ve seen Pitch Perfect. If you haven’t seen it, Anna has been singing forevssss, and was in one of the best scenes from the movie musical Camp, called Ladies Who Lunch. She’s also slated to star in the movie version of my favorite musical Last Five Years, and I cannot wait. In the meantime, check out Anna singing For Good with legendary Kristin Chenoweth, and try to fight back the tears.
Damian Lewis
I accidentally stumbled across this doing my research for this post, and it was too good not to share. This vid appears to be from the season one Homeland wrap party, and Damian sings a classic rock song and dedicates it to Claire Danes – who is rocking out in the front row. Ugh Brody and Carrie, you’re so wrong it’s right.
My earliest memory of watching Saturday Night Live was sometime in seventh grade. It was around the time I first got a TV in my bedroom, and since I only had basic cable, there was very few programs to choose from. But I stayed up late on Saturdays because of this All That-like show that was way funnier than its Nickelodeon counterpart could ever be.
And this was the “Golden Age” of Will Ferrell, Tracy Morgan, Cheri Oteri, Molly Shannon, etc. etc. Needless to say, I came in at a good time. From there, it wasn’t before long that I fell in love with Jimmy Fallon, saw Corky Romano in the theater because of Chris Kattan, and memorized the cheerleader songs.
Basically, what I’m trying to say here is that I love SNL and here are some celebrities I also love that should host the show, thereby making me the happiest person alive.
John Krasinski
JKras is most definitely number one on my list -the rest are in no particular order. If you only know him from his work on The Office, take the time to check out some TV interviews (like this one as a marionette, and this one with Time). He’s the most charming son of a bitch ever, and obviously comedy comes easy to him.
Adam Scott
Parks and Rec. Party Down. The random episodes of Boy Meets World. Adam Scott is one of the best straight men out there. He’s already proved he can act alongside some of the best SNL-ers in the biz, obvi Queen Amy, Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, so why not throw him in with the newbies?
Donald Glover
I’m a little biased because I’m a Filipino girl in love with Childish Gambino, but hey, Donald Glover also used to write for 30 Rock. In fact, he was working there when the show won one of it’s 30 million Emmys. What I’m saying is that 30 Rock and SNL are obviously one in the same, so can Lorne just get the guy to host?
Joel McHale
If this man can host The Soup in front of a green screen and an audience of 30 people, I’m sure he can take on SNL. Think of all the Housewives sketches he could be in…
Lauren Graham
My girl crush/favorite actress/imaginary best friend is obviously on this list. She, just like John Krasinski, is hilarious in interviews. My love for her of course started with Gilmore Girls, but it was pushed over the edge when I saw her on Ellen. I then proceeded to YouTube every LG interview available because she is just so awkward and hilarious. And I might actually die if she graces the SNL stage.
Blake Shelton
Ok, so country music isn’t usually in my normal song rotation, except for Carrie Underwood. So like a lot of people, I was introduced to him on The Voice. The dude is actually hilarious. He’s drunk and he’s honest and he’s hilarious. Watching his Christmas special just confirmed that the guy legit has talent, not only as a singer, but a comedian too.
Anna Kendrick
Slowly moving up the list of my girl crushes/favorite actresses/imaginary best friends is Anna Kendrick. Again, she won my heart watching multiple interviews with her quippy, sarcastic humor. Basically I believe we could actually be friends. And not only would she bring her humor to SNL, she can also bring her singing talents too. I mean, legit tears with her singing. She’s aca-awesome.
M: I went to this with two of my nephews who hated it, on the advice of two of my other nephews who loved it. So they’re all really cute kids and everything, but now I know which ones have good taste in movies.
Cookies + Sangria 