Live Blog: Golden Globes 2013 aka The Day We Died Because of the Fey/Poehler Takeover

Posted in Entertainment, Live Blogs by Traci

Happy Golden Globes day!!! We’ll be liveblogging throughout the show, so make sure you refresh this page to keep up!!!

Bitches getting shit done.

Welcome to the live blog of the Golden Globes 2013!!!

M. Kelly Osbourne. Kelly Osbourne always looks like she’s from the capitol in Panem.

T. BTW, we are watching the E! Red Carpet, mainly because I enjoy Ryan Seacrest, but I also have no interest in seeing Al “I sharted” Roker interview the likes of Daniel Day-Lewis and Hugh Jackman.

M. I’m trying to memorize what Amy Adams is wearing so I don’t get her confused with Jessica Chastain.

T. You know what’s always jarring? Seeing ANY of the Downton Abbey stars in modern day clothes. Lady Mary is on FIRE.

M: SO glad you mentioned Downton so I could go record it. I’m missing that and Girls for the Golden Globes. I mean… nobody really “misses” tv anymore. I’m watching them on the internet later. Clearly.

T: Sidenote: I JUST LOVE AWARDS SHOWS SO MUCH. Especially the Golden Globes. After the Emmys, it’s my favorite, because everyone’s boozed up and the best of TV and Movie people are there!

T: Is anyone doing the Golden Globes drinking game? I’m still at work and forgot to bring alc.

T: OMG FIRST SHOT OF TINA AND AMY AND I LEGIT JUST HAD A TEAR IN MY EYE!!!! HOW AM I GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS

T: THEY’RE BACK!! THEY LOOK SO HOT! LOVING AMY’S LOOK

M: OMG AMYYY Look at you! When I want to look really fantastic, the ideal I keep in mind is “divorced Amy Poehler.”

M: Also Tina Fey has a Kate Middleton-worthy hair cape. And her shoes look hard to walk in.

M: Contemplating the Golden Globes drinking game. I have to wake up at 6:30 to write law books though… (I’m in EST if that makes me seem less pathetic?)

T: Oh lord, I never thought I’d see the day NeNe Leakes would be strutting the Golden Globes red carpet

T: OH YEAH. JOHN KRASINSKI. SMOKE.SHOW.

M: Aziz Ansari has a “whattt? that’s racist… don’t say that again” dance move, which he attributes to his “chocolate skin tone.”

M: Little Michael J. Fox exactly looks like a little Michael J. Fox. Well I mean, he is slightly taller.

M: Jessica Chastain is in seafoam, Amy Adams in ballerina pink. Also I don’t know what my problem is because they really don’t look alike.

T: I wonder if it’s every awkward when a celeb’s significant other (who isn’t as famous) is asked to move out of the way in the press line so they can get a solo shot of the star…

T: Whoa Don Draper, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve seen you on the red carpet!

M: Rosario Dawson will always be Mimi to me. I hope she sang “Out Tonight” as she got ready.

T: J-Law! My BFF! Wait her boobs look like they’re protruding out of her body. Really hoping she says something awk sauce. Ok, nothing awkward, except the fact that she has the flu and had to put her hand on Seacrest’s arm as she went down the stairs.

M: Hell YES Jennifer Lawrence is here! Is her hair color different? Her tan line is showing, not that I’m looking at her boobs. Pretty dress though! Love the color.

M: T, Did you know Taylor Swift was nominated or did you purposefully stay away from that info? Her hair may be in a confusing side-chignon thing.

T: I did subconsciously know Swifty was nominated, however I think I forced myself to forget that fact. Although that song was really good in THG. But she still doesn’t belong here. “SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE”

M: Amanda Seyfried: “I learned [to pose] from Anne Hathaway, she’s a really good poser.” I’m sorry, DOES ANNE HATHAWAY EXCEL AT EVERYTHING?!

M: Hugh Jackman’s hair looks kind of Ron Swanson-y in the front.

M: Taylor Swift’s dress is kind of the color of chocolate, which reminds me that now is a good time for everyone to go get a snack. Right now, while she’s talking.

M: My nephew Henry, two, just wandered in. I asked what Claire Danes’ dress made him think of. Apparently it evokes Elmo.

T: So like, can I get some of the anti-ageing potion Hamm’s clearly drinking? Because Price Charming looks fioooone.

M: Hamm may be drinking it, but his wife is injecting it. Her cheeks are super tight and shiny. I’m not judging because I almost bought Botox via Groupon last month.

M: Keith Urban. My brother-in-law saw him shooting an album cover when he lived in Nashville and said he was like a really fancy well-groomed cowboy. So many highlights!

T: ADELE!!!! Love it. It’s always great trying to understand what she’s trying to say. Also, should the HFPA (Hollywood Foreign Press Association) just give her the award right now? She’s so great.

M: I can’t deal with Adele not revealing her baby’s name. Her eyelashes are enormous and must make it really hard to blink and see.

M; If you missed it Puffy just half-heartedly congratulated Sienna Miller on her baby. I don’t know what manner of baby she has but I’m assuming s/he’s no Blue Ivy. Wait, maybe he congratulated her on something else. I was too busy paying attention to how weird this situation felt to me.

T: In what world are Sienna Miller and P Diddy friends? I’m confused. She said they’ve been friends for a long time and have nicknames for each other. Heh?

M: I’m so embarrassed that I wrote “Puffy.” I am from 1998.

T: Kristen Bell is the CUTEST preggo!! I can’t say I’m in love with her dress though (PS Shameless Plug:: look out for our Best/Worst Dressed post later!)

M: Marion Cotillard is one of my favorite people to wish I looked like, but I really preferred her shorter, wavier hair. It’s not bad but if I were Marion Cotillard I would want everyone to be looking at my face.

M: Julianna Marguelis. I am misspelling your name but you are wearing this weird sheer thing that’s slowing down my processing.

T: ER REUNION WITH CLOONS AND NURSE HATHAWAY. I AM VERKELMPT. I appreciate a TV good reunion, especially of the candid variety.

M: Clooney and Marguelis just hugged for a million years. I love them so much.

T: BTW, I’m still at work, but obvi got everything done early to liveblog this bitch. But since I’m here, I’m watching the E! Red Carpet at my desk, and turned on the NBC show at my boss’ desk (who is not here). Every few minutes I literally run into the other room to see if anyone I like is being interviewed. I’m insane.

M: There are so many high necklines and so much loose, straight-ish hair tonight. See e.g. Kate Hudson.

M: I always vaguely feel like I’m not supposed to like Sofia Vergara but I LOVE Sofia Vergara.

T: I fucking love Sofia Vergara. I could lit’rally listen to her talk for days.

M: Is Ben Affleck’s facial hair for a role or just for funsies?

M: Got a quick view of Anne Hathaway’s hair and it looks very Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber. I hope the internet doesn’t think that’s an insult because it’s not.

T: People in a oneshot: Paul Rudd, Jessica Alba, and Anne Hathaway #OnlyattheGoldenGlobes

M: I wonder if people are going to like Kerry Washington’s dress, but I think it looks fantastic on her. Maybe would have pulled the hair off her face but that’s just because it’s a good face (see, Cotillard).

T: I don’t watch Scandal, so basically anytime I see Kerry Washington, I think, ‘Hey, that’s the girl from Save The Last Dance!!’’

T: LEO!!!!!!!!! I appreciate that he always shows up to the GGs. I really hope Kate shows up so he can thank her in his acceptance speech

T: Apparently, P Diddy and Sienna Miller have been friends for a while, as told by this article from 2007. They partied together. Of course.

M: Kelly Osbourne said that T.Swift would show up sexy and SHE DID. That’s not how I felt but OK, Kel. Not that Swift isn’t pretty but that’s just not how she reads to me ever.

T: A SEX BOMB, KELLY OSBOURNE? NO. TAYLOR SWIFT IS NOT A ‘SEX BOMB.

M: How I’ve missed hearing that Tina Fey/ Amy Poehler introduction from the Weekend Update era!

M: Poehler just referred to the “rat-faced people of television”, and I love her.

T: Tina looks like she came straight out of one of her Garnier Fructis commercials.

M: Fey: Gervais isn’t here because he is no longer in showbusiness.

M: Fey just offered to call child services for Dunham. I also feel like Lena Dunham is too young to be doing her show, but that’s only because that means that by your mid-twenties it’s acceptable to have your own tv show. I have my own car and phone and dog! And that’s it.

M: I love when Amy Poehler puts on the mean Boston lady thing.

T: BOSTON REPRESENT!! Poehler is amazing when she brings back her accent!

M: First (Only??)Anne Hathaway/ James Franco Oscars trainwreck reference. Well done, Ms. Fey.

M: Nobody has PLANS to do porn. – Amy Poehler. PREACH. It just happens sometimes.

M: Is Tina Fey’s pronunciation of Les Miserables with a thick French accent going to be a running gag? Hope so!

M: This is like watching a really good, crazy-fancy Weekend Update.

Best Supporting Actor. Our Predictions:

Best Supporting Actor
T: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
M: Leonardo DiCaprio
WINNER: Christoph Waltz!
T: Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard are at the same table as Denzel, and right behind Daniel Day-Lewis. How much are they SHITTING themselves right now??

M: Well, we were both wrong. Christoph Waltz won best supporting actor. In related news, Traci and I have not seen Django Unchained.

T: Leo upset at the top of the show! Wah Wah. If you need any consoling, let a sista know.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television
T: Maggie Smith
M:Maggie Smith
Winner: Maggie Smith!

M : Damn, we’re good at this already. Also, who else can’t believe that Hayden Pannetiere was nominated?

T: One of my favorite things about the GGs is the mingling that happens between stars during commercials. Hoping there’s plenty of surprising air kisses made between two unlikely celebs.

M: A Lea Michele hair commercial is on and I think this should be more of a Tina Fey hair commercial night. I just don’t believe her when she says that I’m “totally worth it.” It’s the “totally.” It’s just too much. Like when someone says they’re 200% sure of something, I’m way less confident than when they just leave it at 100%.

T: Hayden Pannetiere (sp?) just tweeted: “There ain’t anything like a Dame. Congratulations Dame Maggie Smith! It was an honor to have my name mentioned in a category with you!” Who wants to bet that she had that tweet ready the day she was nominated??

M: She had a separate draft saved for each other nominee. Smart girl, that Hayden.

Best Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television
T: Game Change
M: Game Change
WINNER:Game Change

M: Why aren’t we in the Hollywood Foreigh Press? I am none of those things but Traci is both Hollywood and Press. We’re batting… something. I don’t know how to do sports things, I’m really sorry.

T: Ok, every time I see Danny Strong, I can’t help but think he was Paris Geller’s boyfriend on Gilmore Girls. I mean, he’s making big moves – he’s writing the screenplay for Mockingjay!!!!!

M: The audio cut out for a sec but I think that’s just because someone started swearing REAL bad. Michael J. Fox’s son, maybe? He might be a loose cannon.

M: OH SNAP, the director of Game Change just listed Sarah Palin as one of the great impressions of Sarah Palin. I’m sorry I keep saying 1998ish things like “Puffy” and “Oh Snap.” Here are a few more: Tamagotchi. GigaPet. Ally McBeal’s Dancing Baby.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television
T: Jessica Lange
M: Julianne Moore
WINNER: Julianne Moore.

M: Did everyone know that Julianne Moore has a daughter who looks like Lindsay Lohan before everything went so wrong? In case you didn’t, now you do.

T: NO YOU DID NOT JUST START SINGING ‘DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING’ RN. NO YOU DID NOT. SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT.

M: Embarrassed for Zeta-Jones. Not as bad as Joey Potter but NOTHING is that bad. It’s like a lullaby from a baby’s fever nightmare, the Holmes On My Own rendition.

T: Does this broad know where she is….Oh the cameras aren’t scanning per her request. What does she do for the HFPA? Also is she wearing a vest made out of faux diamonds? LOLZ INDUSTRY JOKE. No but really, is this person real? I need a gif of Bradley Cooper’s reaction to her “Call Me Maybe” offer right now.

M: Dr. Aida Something-Something told the camera to scan the room and the camera didn’t scan the damn room. Don’t they know who she is? No? Me either.
She’s self-deprecating, though. And hilarious? Old-lady funny? Mildly amusing?

M: Mimi Marquez (Rosario Dawson) is wearing a peplum outfit thing. Good color on her. Can we all just admit that none of us knew that that was called “peplum” til last year? Pre-2012 I would have described it as “a Judy Jetson thing.”

Best Actor, Drama
T: Damian Lewis
M:John Hamm
WINNER: Damian Lewis

T: Sgt. Brody FTW! If you haven’t watched Homeland yet, get into it. All the cool white people are doing it. (and that JAZZ)

M: So… I should probably watch Homeland, huh? I’m not a “cool white person” but what I lack in cool I make up for in being exceptionally white.

T: Oh Lord Licorice Paul Rudd’s vamping is amazing. Selma Hayek, however, not so much. “Something about best TV”

Best Television Series, Drama
T: Homeland
M: Downton Abbey
WINNER: Homeland

M: Is Claire Danes about to ugly cry? DO IT DANES DO IT. My favorite Danes ugly cry is from her underrated work in Brokedown Palace. It’s like her face crumbles into itself.

T: Re: people mingling during commercial: RDJ kissing the cheek of Mel Gibson. Multiple times.

T: So I’ve been marathoning The West Wing for the past couple of weeks, and John Goodman shows up, and reinforces the fact that I have an unreasonable fear of him. But as he’s standing there next to the awk guy while introducing Argo, he seems ok. I just can’t separate fiction from real life.

M: For some reason I was completely, irrationally mad as a kid when I found out that John Goodman’s daughter is named Molly. I think because I imagined a child, female version of John Goodman, and that is a really unfortunate image to share your name with.

T: Ben Affleck then a shot to Jennifer Lopez. Remember when Bennifer happened?

M: Remember when they got super close to the wedding then called it off? I do, because I think it was supposed to be on my birthday. Now the only thing that happened on my birthday was I was born. I mean, so was Amy Winehouse, and the lady who started Planned Parenthood. But it’s no Bennifer wedding.

Best Original Score:
T: Lincoln
M:Lincoln
WINNER: Life of Pi

M: I didn’t see Life of Pi yet but apparently the score makes ample use of the triangle.

T: “Please welcome international music sensation Shakiki (sp?)” What? I legit thought you said Monkiki (apparently, this is the SNL portion of the liveblog)

Best Original Song
T: Skyfall, Adele
M:Suddenly, Les Miserables
WINNER: Skyfall, Adele

T: GIF OF ADELE HIGH FIVING DANIEL CRAIG, PLEASE. I LOVE YOU. Remember when she won the Grammy for Best New Artist and freaked out over the Jonas Brothers being there?
Meanwhile, Taylor Swift is pissed that she couldn’t use her ‘surprised face’ right now.

M: Adele, you are adorable. I hope Swift has some paper out and is taking notes on how to seem graciously surprised at winning. Also Taylor would 100% redeem herself right now if she ran up and grabbed the award. I’d be mad at her but it would make for such a good GIF!
But I am so mad that Adele said “my son” and didn’t name him. Is the name awful? Unpronounceable? Boring? There must be something wrong with that baby’s name.

T: Tina Fey’s Damian Francisco actually looks like it could be an alternate world Johnny Depp. Someone already made up a faux Twitter for Darcy St. Fudge. Waiting for the next one. Well played, internet.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television
T: Clive Owen
M:Kevin Costner
WINNER: Kevin Costner

M: I got SO into Hatfields and McCoys. I think I was mostly a Hatfield girl but I do like a good McCoy now and then.

T: I actually … do NOT care, Kevin Costner. For an actor, you have a very monotone voice.

M: NO ACTUALLY NO BILL SLICK WILLY CLINTON!!! I’ve loved him since I had a kind of confusing crush on him when I was like eight (that has lasted til the present day). From the look on her face Lena Dunham feels the same way. I feel bad for the young girls of 2000 – 2008 because they really never had the opportunity to have a conflicting presidential crush. I like to think even the people who like GWBush didn’t LIKE him-like him.

T: EXCUSE ME?! BILLY C?! WHAT THIS IS AMAZING. STANDING O FOR THE GREATEST PRESIDENT IN OUR LIFETIME. Next to Obama.

M: I know you can’t see this in the post, but Traci and I both stopped typing as Clinton was talking because he is a man you respect. And because he’s so dreamy oh my goodness.

T: I mean I actually stood up and started clapping, that’s why I stopped typing.

M: By the way, I was probably too dumb to understand Lincoln but It did make me wish I had a sidekick who made folksy, apt anecdotes to explain situations like Abe.

T: I CANNOT with Kristen Wyeg and Will FARrell. JK, this is the SNL portion of the show. This is like Garth and Kat times a million. I am actually crying with laughter.

M: If you’re reading this in the future (“the future” being like 1/14 or later) please find a clip of Wiig and Farrell presenting. So so funny.

Best Actress, Comedy or Musical
T: Jennifer Lawrence
M: Judi Dench
WINNER: JENNIFER FREAKIN LAWRENCE

M: I like Jennifer Lawrence winning more than I like being right about who won. She just joked about beating Meryl and I love her. Also she refers to her brothers being “mean to her, yet really supportive and loving,” which is pretty much the story of having older brothers, am I right?

T: Ok and now I’m crying because I’m so happy for her! Just the absolute greatest. No one else can say they beat Meryl and still be lovable about it!

T: JKras and KBell together?! My heart swoons to be between those two.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television
T: Mandy Patinkin
M: Ed Harris
WINNER: ~~John McCain~~ Ed Harris

M: Megan Fox’s face looks like it’s sculpted out of really fancy candle wax. The good kind, like the stuff they made those wizard candles out of at those mall kiosks in the mid-90s.

Best Supporting Actress:
T: Anne Hathaway
M: Sally Field
WINNER: Anne Hathaway’s ugly crying.

T: ANNE HATHAWAY JUST SAID “BLERG” 30 Rock shoutout!! AND Princess Diaries shoutout!? Ok, Anne Hathaway, you can keep this award.

M: She also just referenced the Princess of Genovia. I love Hathaway.

T: Surprise mingling: Adele and Jennifer Gardner. It’s a small room, so maybe the Afflecks will run into the Lopez-Smart contingent? The night is still young.

M: Maybe they’re talking about their babies and Garner is bragging that hers all have NAMES.

Best Screenplay
T: Silver Linings Playbook
M:Argo
WINNER: Django Unchained

T: Ugh, Quentin Tarantino I wasn’t suspecting you to get this either. So over you. I’ve actually stopped listening.

M: Again, we didn’t see this movie. But from what I hear, ¾ of the screenplay is just the direction [guy shoots other guy].

M: Jeremy Irons is wearing quite the frock-coat.
T: SCAR! Oh sorry, Jeremy Irons.

M: I think it’s about time to bring Tina and Amy back out. Anyone wanna bet what Billy Clinton is doing right now? Greenroom eating some vegan stuff? Mingling with everybody? Stealing my heart?

Best Actor, Television Comedy or Musical
T: Louis C.K.
M: Louis C.K.
WINNER: Don Cheadle.

T: Come awwnn. I’m not doing that well on my ballot anymore… the HFPA always throws a curveball. So weird.

M: Every time I hear “Matt Blank” I think someone is just trying to Ellis Island-ize Matt LeBlanc.

T: Remember when Arnold was the governor of the state I live in? And what happened to Rocky’s neck/lack of neck?

M: Holy crap it’s like his head is held on by his shirt collar.

Best Foreign Language Film
T: Amour
M:Amour
WINNER: Amour

M: We have reached the point in the evening where I look at the categories left and think that the show couldn’t possibly take another hour and a half, let alone run long. And yet…

T: They should have specifically put subtitles up for this category alone.

M: I feel like I SHOULD like Lea Michele but I just don’t. Also she’s so so tan. Her entire body looks like when 12-year-old girls try to wear bronzer and layer it too much.

T: Rachel Berry is pulling her best Angelina Jolie right now. And it’s not working.

Best Actress, Drama
T: Claire Danes
M: Claire Danes
WINNER:Claire Danes

M: In case you didn’t feel inferior to her already, Claire Danes won a Golden Globe at 15. Is she drunk a little?

T: Glenn Close looks like she’s crying for her loss. Also, Claire why do you have raccoon eyes? Maybe that’s why Glenn Close is upset. Stop trying to make jokes Claire. It’s not funny. Remember the Emmys? Your ‘holla’ was not funny then either.

M: Claire Danes is drunk a little.

T: Definitely drunk a little: Sacha Baron Cohen. Calling Russell Crowe out!! Ballsy. We so called this when we liveblogged it.

Best Animated Film
T: Rise of the Guardians
M: Brave
WINNER: Brave

M: I was watching Brave (for the second time…) with my nephews last week and one of them said that I’m like Merida (read: red-haired), but that I “would need to get married.” And I was like what is wrong with you, you missed the ENTIRE point of the movie. Then he suggested that I could marry his dad, except he’s already married. Yeah, kid. Married and also my BROTHER.

T: Ballot regret: Choosing a winner in permanent ink but immediately having qualms over the pick. You can file Brave under Ballot Regret.

M: Which Downton lady is wearing the giant turban? The camera didn’t linger long enough.

T: I totally forgot about Julian Fellowes’s lady friend that wears the turban. ^to answer your question^

M: I was about to ask where they’ve been hiding Fey and Poehler but the next category explains it:

Best Actress, Television Comedy or Musical
T: Amy Poehler
M: Amy Poehler
WINNER: Lena Dunham

M: I LOVE love Girls, but I’m not sure about this. She kind of reminds me of Jerry Seinfeld in that she’s the brain behind the series, but I don’t necessarily see her as a great actress.

T: Girls is the best (slash omg it comes back tonight!). Major props to Lena, and I think I’m ok with her winning over Amy and Tina. I usually hate when people bring up speeches, but that was really sweet. In fact, I’m tearing up a little. She plays every role (actress, writer, director, producer) on the show, so well deserved. But can someone in the press room get her new shoes tho?

M: However, Dunham is stealing my heart here with her shaking hands. I think the short hair really works on her, never noticed her eyes before really.

T: I feel like it’s been AGES since Tamy (tina/Amy) have been out on the stage! But so worth the wait though. If that’s Glenn Close wasted, I don’t want to know what she’s like on drugs (or maybe I do).

T: Sidenote, if Tina dances with Glenn at a party tonight, I want to be there. No, but really, how do I get invited to a Golden Globes after party?

M: No pressure but if you crash one we’ll probably get internet famous and if you don’t crash one you’re ruining my life.

T: Is Jodie Foster old enough to get this award? The last three people to win it were Martin Scorsese, Robert DeNiro, and Morgan Freeman. I mean, good company, but … really? Oh she just said she’s 50. Ok. Still not old enough.

M: I hope this doesn’t mean that Jodie Foster is secretly terminally ill. Else she should have 30-50 more years of lifetime. What if she stops achieving after this? (I would)

M: This ENTIRE show was brought to you by SNL (See Foster’s Sally O’Malley impression).

T: I knew it Jodie Foster, you were trying to be funny. But it didn’t work. Oh lesbians.

M: Did EVERYONE start swearing at once? The audio was gone for like 30 seconds.

M: So Jodie Foster’s announcement is that she’s not Honey Boo Boo child? I know, I know. You will NEVER be as majestic as one Alanna Thompson.

T: If this speech is supposed to make me like you more, it’s not working.

M: She’s drunk or she meant for this to happen. I don’t know which one to choose to believe. I presume they can’t cut you off in a lifetime achievement speech. I take this back if she is dying because is that what she was saying – re “never being on any stage again?” And everyone in the audience is weeping and I have NO CLUE what’s going on. And she closed with calling herself lonely. That was so sad and I don’t even know what just happened.

T: I don’t know why I didn’t think of this earlier, but Tumblr came to the rescue in the gif department. Here’s the Adele/Daniel Craig gif I requested earlier!!!

Best Director
T: Ben Affleck
M: Steven Spielberg
WINNER: Ben Affleck

T: SUCK ON THAT, OSCARS. BEN AFFLECK FTW!!! Everyone’s standing because Hollywood loves him. Except maybe J Lo.

T: SHUT UP JAY LENO. YOU’RE THE WORST. I JUST WANT JIMMY.

Best Television Series, Comedy or Musical
T: Girls
M: Girls
WINNER: Girls

M: SO HAPPY!

T: Oh geez they’re making Lena walk again. Just take the shoes off. I do adore the group hug the ‘Girls’ had.

M: Lena Dunham: “Do you guys want to make any sounds?” I love that cast. I also didn’t recognize Allison Williams at first.

T: Where’s Leo? Probs drinking his sorrows away with Kate in a secret bar at the Hilton.

T: One more thing about Girls, I am so pleased that Lena and co. were presented with the award by Jimmy Fallon, who Lena had a crush on throughout her formative years. Watch her fangirl to him when she appeared on his show for the first time. She wrote a play about him!!!

Best Actor, Comedy or Musical
T: Hugh Jackman
M: Bradley Cooper
WINNER: Hugh Jackman

M: I stand by what I said before about Jackman’s Ron Swanson hair. In addition, I think he’s using the same body bronzer as Lea Michele.

T: I secretly hoped it would be B Coop to win this, but Jean Van Jean was just no match. Any other year, I think he would have won this. Also, this means that he probs won’t win the Oscar. Prove me wrong, Academy.

Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical
T: Les Miserables
M: Silver Linings Playbook
WINNER: Les Miserables

M: Hathaway CHRIST you can’t just thank people willy-nilly.

T: Fantine is already drunk. WTF just happened to you.

M: You’re right, she’s wasted.

T: I really just want to watch Silver Linings Playbook again. If you haven’t seen it, get on it. Even if you have no idea what it’s about.

M: Agreed, I would absolutely see that again. Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence were both just amazing.

Best Actress, Drama
T: Jessica Chastain
M: Jessica Chastain
WINNER: Jessica Chastain

M: If you haven’t seen Zero Dark 30, do. Chastain was incredible.

T: Literally just said “Awwww” outloud to Jessica Chastain’s win. I haven’t even seen Zero Dark Thirty. She just looks like a nice girl

M: She looks like someone I know and I can’t place who. I mean other than Amy Adams. Again, they really don’t look alike but I can only tell the difference when they are side by side. I’m the same way with Coke and Diet Coke.

M: Annnnd there go my first real tears of the night. Still can’t believe Kathryn Bigelow wasn’t nominated for an Oscar.

Best Actor, Drama
T: Daniel Day-Lewis
M: Daniel Day-Lewis
WINNER: Daniel Day-Lewis

M: Traci, I think we’re more right when we agree with each other.

T: ^Fact.
Olympics reference! I had no idea DD-L was a jokster.

M: I can’t un-see Abraham Lincoln in DD-L’s face now. But it’s weird not hearing him in that old-timey Midwestern accent, right?

T: Julia! She totes said “Drama” like Derek from Happy Endings.

Best Motion Picture, Drama
T: Argo
M:Argo
WINNER:Argo

M: I love the people they choose to show after a win is announced. Sean Combs?

T: arGOO! (ugh, sorry). This is a great win. I haven’t seen this movie either, but I enjoy Ben Affleck, so WTG. Also, hey Walter White. Forgot you were in this movie.

M: Poehler: “We’re going home with Jodie Foster!”

T: Me: I wanna go home with Tina and Amy.

M: But not Jodie Foster. She was kind of a downer. Not to mention confusing. I think she’ll be a crying drunk girl later. And I don’t think she even WATCHES Honey Boo Boo.

Traci final score: 15 out of 25

Molly final score: 12 out of 25.

Thanks for reading everyone! We had a blast. Join us next time when we live blog our BFF dance party with Tina, Amy, and Glenn Close.

11Jan2013

‘Parks And Recreation’: A Love Letter To The Hometown

Posted in Entertainment, GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by Molly

After I graduated law school, I found a job in the legal profession (!) … in my hometown. Here I am, back where it all began.

I hope you like that bridge because it took about 10 years to finish. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am from Rochester, New York. There are far worse places that you could live. In fact, as a pretty humble city, I suggest that Rochester adopts “there are far worse places that you could live” as its slogan. It has less violent crime than Detroit (Detroit has many fine attributes, like motown), lower average yearly snowfall than Anchorage (AND ten other U.S. Cities!), and, with over a million people in the Rochester metropolitan area, is by far the largest Rochester in the United States. George Eastman (founder of Kodak), Frederick Douglass, Susan B. Anthony, and Kristen Wiig have all called this city home. (A Marie Claire profile of Wiig referred to Rochester as a “suburban backwater,” which was a little harsh for a city with so many fine cultural institutions.) Did I mention that the National Museum of Play is here, too?

But this piece isn’t about Rochester, this is about hometowns, and living in yours as an adult — whether you’re from a mid-sized city, a mega-metropolis, or a small town. There’s a tendency, I think, to feel like if you live where you did at 14, maybe the rest of your life has become stagnant, too (you know, like a suburban backwater?). It’s easy to fear becoming that former varsity athlete who works at the same gas station he did senior year, reliving his glory days. Luckily for me, I was never very good at anything in high school, so that’s not really a danger. I don’t think appearing in the chorus of high school musicals and playing second doubles in tennis counts as “glory days” by any standard.

One bright spot if you find yourself back in your place of birth is the NBC series Parks and Recreation. It is a love letter to the hometown. The protagonist, Leslie Knope, is proud to be from Pawnee, Indiana, and is proud to live there still. As you watch the series, you can’t help but fall in love with Leslie’s enthusiasm about Pawnee, and hopefully you can catch some enthusiasm about your hometown, too. Here are some lessons I’ve learned from everyone’s favorite mid-level municipal employee:

(1) Nobody insults your hometown but you. And maybe you shouldn’t either. You will never see Knope more angry than when residents of nearby Eagleton snub Pawnee. Eagletonians are jerks, though: “When a tornado went through Pawnee, we asked Eagleton for help, but they claimed they weren’t home. The whole town said they weren’t home.” Your hometown is like your siblings when you were a kid: you might have complaints about them, but you would not put up with that kind of talk from anyone else. So when people make fun of your city’s downtown crow infestation, you should either remind them that at least that means the city’s secret uranium store didn’t kill them all, or take a cue from Leslie Knope and shut the whole conversation down:

(2) First in friendship, fourth in obesity. There are negative things about every city. Maybe the local sweets factory has contributed to a full-blown obesity bonanza. Maybe teen girl battles have compromised the municipal transit system. Despite its flaws, there are certainly plenty of wonderful people in your hometown. There’s something great about friends you have known for decades. But, some of Leslie’s best friends are not native Pawneeans. Remember that just because you grew up in your city, doesn’t mean everyone you meet there did. Be friendly and welcoming to newcomers, and they just might fall in love with your hometown, too. Ben Wyatt thought he was just passing through Pawnee, but the wonderful locals (well, mostly Leslie) changed his mind.

This guy leaped off of waterfalls nationwide, but he died in OUR waterfall. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(3) Lil’ Sebastian Makes Everything Better. In one of Leslie’s greatest triumphs, she brings hometown hero Lil’ Sebastian (a winsome, elderly pony) back to the Harvest Festival. One of the best things about living in your hometown is being familiar with the local shorthand and in-jokes. Someone from Indianapolis or Eagleton might not understand the appeal of a geriatric pony with a heart of gold, but Pawneeans do. My city has a flagpole strung with lights instead of a municipal Christmas tree, a laser light show about an ill-fated 19th century daredevil and his pet bear, and our must-try cuisine is called a garbage plate. I love them all, because I grew up with them — except for the garbage plate, anyway. It is hard to understand these hometown heroes if you aren’t actually from the town – I remember the locals getting all fired up about “spiced wafers” when I lived in Philly, and I just didn’t understand it because they taste like a grandmother – but when you are from there, it’s magic.

(4) Success starts at home. Living in a small town doesn’t mean that Leslie Knope has given up on her dreams. Instead, she believes that she could be president one day. More importantly, she takes steps to achieve her dreams while she’s still in Pawnee, running an impassioned campaign to become Pawnee’s next councilwoman — just see her closing argument in “The Debate,” where Leslie suggests that maybe true success involves making a difference right where you are:

I love this town. And when you love something, you don’t punish it. You fight for it. You take care of it. You put it first. As your City Councilman, I will make sure that no one takes advantage of Pawnee. If I seem too passionate, it’s because I care. If I come on too strong, its because I feel strongly. And if I push too hard, it’s because things aren’t moving fast enough. This is my home, you are my family, and I promise you, I’m not going anywhere.

(5) If all else fails, just slisten to Amy Poehler. Here is Poehler’s take on her character’s life in Pawnee: “I think there’s something very romantic about people deciding to be in love with your own small town. There’s a lot of arc in art and literature about moving to the big city, and there’s something really sweet about moving to a small town.” Whenever she talks about her character, Poehler respects Knope’s tenacity, and never acts like Leslie is at all pathetic for living in her hometown. And neither are you. Just ask Leslie Knope (…unless you’re from Eagleton).

11Jan2013

Hometown Snapshots

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by Traci

I recently came across this blog of photos from our hometown of Rochester, New York.

This one in particular struck me because when I first looked at it, I was surprisingly taken aback, as the photo felt like a ghost of some kind. Maybe it’s the three cars on the street or the wrapped up stop light. But it’s like someone took the living soul out of this building and replaced it with glass and concrete. But I realized that it really had nothing to do with the building, and not really Rochester itself.

It’s the fact that how I remember this building is by my memories from years ago. At one point, both my parents worked at Kodak right down the street from this corner, and as a kid, everything looked so big. So unreachable. So full of life. Everything was new. Or new-ish to me, at least. So much to be explored despite the fact that the edifices themselves had been there for years.

But through the lens of an adult, as someone who hasn’t lived there and driven past this area (or paid attention) in at least eight years, it looks so lifeless. Maybe it’s because now I understand the real life outcomes that can stem from empty buildings. How businesses can go under. How hundreds of people that worked in buildings just like this can become unemployed and how it affected their families. How a once bustling downtown is merely a string of buildings at only half capacity.

Being an adult makes you see things through a different lens, like once rose colored glasses that have since become faded and yet gained more clarity. It takes you out of seeing the painting as a whole, and finally noticing the colors and details of every brushstroke. It makes you realize that something that once was, never will be, even if it’s made anew – for better or worse. And being an adult is realizing that those snapshots were mere moments in time, that we take in and learn from, no matter how vibrant or lifeless it may be.

10Jan2013

7 People Who Should Say: “Live From New York – It’s Saturday Night!”

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by Traci

My earliest memory of watching Saturday Night Live was sometime in seventh grade. It was around the time I first got a TV in my bedroom, and since I only had basic cable, there was very few programs to choose from. But I stayed up late on Saturdays because of this All That-like show that was way funnier than its Nickelodeon counterpart could ever be.

And this was the “Golden Age” of Will Ferrell, Tracy Morgan, Cheri Oteri, Molly Shannon, etc. etc. Needless to say, I came in at a good time. From there, it wasn’t before long that I fell in love with Jimmy Fallon, saw Corky Romano in the theater because of Chris Kattan, and memorized the cheerleader songs.

Basically, what I’m trying to say here is that I love SNL and here are some celebrities I also love that should host the show, thereby making me the happiest person alive.

John Krasinski

JKras is most definitely number one on my list -the rest are in no particular order. If you only know him from his work on The Office, take the time to check out some TV interviews (like this one as a marionette, and this one with Time). He’s the most charming son of a bitch ever, and obviously comedy comes easy to him.

Adam Scott

Parks and Rec. Party Down. The random episodes of Boy Meets World. Adam Scott is one of the best straight men out there. He’s already proved he can act alongside some of the best SNL-ers in the biz, obvi Queen Amy, Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, so why not throw him in with the newbies?

Donald Glover

I’m a little biased because I’m a Filipino girl in love with Childish Gambino, but hey, Donald Glover also used to write for 30 Rock. In fact, he was working there when the show won one of it’s 30 million Emmys. What I’m saying is that 30 Rock and SNL are obviously one in the same, so can Lorne just get the guy to host?

Joel McHale

If this man can host The Soup in front of a green screen and an audience of 30 people, I’m sure he can take on SNL. Think of all the Housewives sketches he could be in…

Lauren Graham

My girl crush/favorite actress/imaginary best friend is obviously on this list. She, just like John Krasinski, is hilarious in interviews. My love for her of course started with Gilmore Girls, but it was pushed over the edge when I saw her on Ellen. I then proceeded to YouTube every LG interview available because she is just so awkward and hilarious. And I might actually die if she graces the SNL stage.

Blake Shelton

Ok, so country music isn’t usually in my normal song rotation, except for Carrie Underwood. So like a lot of people, I was introduced to him on The Voice. The dude is actually hilarious. He’s drunk and he’s honest and he’s hilarious. Watching his Christmas special just confirmed that the guy legit has talent, not only as a singer, but a comedian too.

Anna Kendrick

Slowly moving up the list of my girl crushes/favorite actresses/imaginary best friends is Anna Kendrick. Again, she won my heart watching multiple interviews with her quippy, sarcastic humor. Basically I believe we could actually be friends. And not only would she bring her humor to SNL, she can also bring her singing talents too. I mean, legit tears with her singing. She’s aca-awesome.

9Jan2013

Forwards From my Parents’ AOL Account

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by Traci

My mom still forwards e-mails. She also doesn’t understand GIFs.

Fwd: Mindmessers

—@aol.com

HUH?

Lita

From:–@aol.com

Subj: Mindmessers

This will mess with your mind for sure

MINDMESSERS

Pretty Cool

Don’t ask me! I don’t know how it’s done!!

8Jan2013

The Enviable Tenacity of Paris Eustice Geller

Posted in Entertainment, GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by Traci

Paris Geller – a girl many look up to, yet fear at the same time. She’s extremely bright, surprisingly bi-lingual, a Yale graduate, and often times exudes Stalin-esque leadership skills. And there’s a part of me that wishes I had all of these qualities. Did I mention she’s a fictional character?

For those not in the Gilmore Girls know-how, Paris Geller is truly one of a kind. When we first meet Paris, she is the popular mean girl at the well-privileged private school Rory transfers to. Paris targets Rory and makes her her enemy because she’s the only one who could possibly compete with Paris intellectually, and vie for the Valedictorian spot come senior year. I have never seen a character on tv as studious, determined, hard-working, and ruthless as her. Some prime examples:

– Paris reveals to Rory she’s been volunteering for a Habitat for Humanity-like organization for years, because that’s what will get her into Harvard. “I started volunteering in fourth grade. I handed out cookies at the local children’s hospital. By ten, I was leading my first study group. The youngest person in the group was twelve. I’ve been a camp counselor. I organized a senior illiteracy program, I worked a suicide hotline, I manned a runaway center. I’ve adopted dolphins, taught sign language, trained seeing eye dogs.” This concerns Rory. She hasn’t done any of those things.

– In an attempt to gloat about her PSAT scores, Paris brags about her results to her friends, but when she asks Rory, she doesn’t oblige, and this drives Paris nuts. She knows Rory’s hiding her probably much higher score from her, and she even pulls a Mean Girls 3 way call scenario on her just to find out.

– When writing for the Yale Daily News’ Religion Beat, Paris goes hardcore when writing an article. “Look, Rory, if you want to crib your articles from the A.P. Wire, that’s your business. I, on the other hand, actually give a rat’s ass about journalistic integrity. When I write about Ramadan, I experience Ramadan. Are you chewing gum?”

Throughout high school, Paris’s goal was to get into Harvard. When that didn’t pan out, she ended up going to Yale and becoming BFFs with Rory. She then spent all 4 years in college focusing on her next step, which was going to either med school or law school (she was so smart she could’ve taken up both professions, but she decided to be a doctor instead). Paris even created an extensive plan for her and Rory called “Operation Finish Line,” planning out in detail the last 5 months of their senior year. These boards included categories such as job fairs, tests, volunteer ops, seminars, classic college activities, etc. Most were legit (MCAT test prep classes) but others were default tactics, so as to not be unprepared come graduation (oceanography fellowship – ‘don’t even know what direction the ocean is in’).

THIS IS NOT HUMAN. Maybe this is how Type A Ivy Leaguers do it, but I can’t even begin to think about how much work she put into making those boards.* It’s crazy to think that there’s even a slight possibility someone out there in real life has mapped out an entire 5 month detailed plan of what they’ll do after they graduate college.**

This is not how I ever have or probably ever will treat an important life changing decision in my life. Frankly, I’m a little jealous. If I even had an ounce of what Paris had, I would probably have my act together and be 4 years into my ‘professional career’. But I’m not. I made no chart. I attended no seminars. I took no extemporaneous tests. The most I’ve ever done is make a pro and con list to decide whether to move to Los Angeles or not (embarassingly enough after Rory Gilmore’s decision making tactics). Even though I think Paris looks like a complete lunatic taking these extra steps in order to plan out her life, that’s precisely what I need right now. I need to figure out exactly what I want and create a clear cut goal to achieve. I need that rather annoying persistent determination to get it. I need to see the exact steps I have to take in order to reach that goal. I need to want to do all those things. Most of all, I need Paris to make these boards, and tell me what to do next, because i sure as hell don’t know myself. So if you’re out there, real life Paris, let me know. Because I could really use your help right now. Fictional Paris just isn’t going to cut it.

* I am fully aware this is not a real person

** Again, I can totally see an Ivy Leaguer doing this, but i went to Emerson. Unless it’s a storyboard for the movie you’re making, you didn’t do this.

7Jan2013

Resolution Statistics 101

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by Traci

New Year’s Resolutions. Most people have them. Even more people are unsuccessful in accomplishing them But why? Why do we set ourselves up for failure year after year? I’d like to see some stats on the number of people who commit to resolutions and what percentage of them fail.

As for me, a few years ago, I decided that instead of setting lofty goals for myself, I would start out small. In 2008 I set two goals: 1) start a blog that I’d update at least once a day. 2) take vitamins (I told you I started out small).

And lowering my expectations of success proved to work for me. I kept up with said blog not only for the entirety of 2008, but I’ve continued to this day, even through a massive makeover last year. Of course as you know, I also started another one, here with Molls! I still take vitamins too, in case you were wondering.

Fast forward to December 2011, I decided that I would take the small steps idea, but move forward in a way that would motivate me to do/complete my resolutions throughout the year. Hence, I dubbed 2012 the Year of Follow Through.

To help me to uphold the year’s theme, I found a vision board on the internets, where one would put all their goals up in one place, and visualize what needs to be done in the coming year. Being a crafty person myself, I adored this idea, and created this gem:

I made it into my vision board/bucket list – I even bought a bucket to put all the completed items into! I’d say that thanks to this board hanging in my room that I see everyday, I accomplished about 65% of what I intended to do since January. From drag queen bingo (Soooo LA), to going to a Celtics game, and most importantly, finding a job that I love, this guy has definitely helped my life just a little better than it was in 2011.

And I’d say a 65% success rate isn’t too bad.

7Jan2013

Surviving Selling Things Parties: Avon Ladies, Mary Kay Girls, and Me

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by Molly

Over the past month, I have been invited to four Selling Things Parties. For the uninitiated, during these gatherings, a woman of child-bearing age will present wares, provide complimentary food and drink, and then collect orders for these goods. But don’t be fooled! The goal is not to buy things, but to “get together, have a glass of wine, and look at some great (shoes/makeup/spinach artichoke dip).”^[1] What follows is a confusing and – dare I say – convoluted exchange, with the wares being shipped to the seller, who then distributes them, and I think that nobody writes a check until the goods are delivered, but how should I know?^[2] All I’m sure of is, somebody probably has to pay for these things, and there is a catalog, and there are snacks.

Until I was 16 or so, I thought that these parties only existed in works of fiction set in the Mid-West. This is because you are either from a selling things family, or you are not. I absolutely am not. This is probably because the ladies in my family are stunted in our abilities to exclaim over retail items. At wedding and baby showers, we are the ones making compliments that are so painfully specific that they sound like insults: “that is the reddest onesie I’ve seen yet today!”; “Look at that, Marguerite! All of the plates from your china pattern are round!”; “You WILL have a baby, Greta, and he will sit upright in this blue foam chair!”.

I also think that you are supposed to buy the samples upfront if you’re throwing a Selling Things Party. I don’t like spending money without a guarantee of a return, so I’d have to sell things I already own. I do not know a roomful of ladies who would like to buy my old law school textbooks, but if anyone wants to read about the state of international human rights law through 2009, shoot me a line! [Spoiler alert: TREATIES!]. I also worry that I would spend so much on hors d’euvers that I wouldn’t break even, or worse, that other people would eat all of the good ones if I bought too little. These are very real concerns.

This is not to say that I think I’m better than ladies who throw Selling Things Parties. If anything, they possess a degree of initiative and a collection of appetizer recipes that I admire.^[3] An all-American, homespun capitalism is in these peddlers’ blood, like red hair and a surprisingly low white blood cell count are in mine. These gals were probably raised playing in the other room while their mothers and aunts served fondue and sold Tupperware, whereas I was raised making my own snacks and buying things in stores.

So, if you are invited to a Selling Things Party, don’t fret. You don’t have to buy anything.^[4] If you like shopping, socializing, and Buffalo Wing Dip, you might want to give it a try. But don’t expect to throw a successful Selling Things Party yourself if you weren’t raised with it: like landed gentry and psychics, Selling Things Party Ladies are born, not made. Or rather, they are made, but that is because they are carefully formed in their early years, like bonsai trees and Romanian gymnasts.

1. TM: Every Facebook invite to every selling things party, ever. BACK TO POST
2. I wonder if, in the selling things party context, submitting the order form constitutes the offer, and sending the good is acceptance? For a fascinating study of offer and acceptance in the catalog/advertising context, see Leonard v. PepsiCo Inc, 88 F.Supp.2d 116 (S.D.N.Y. 1999).BACK TO POST
3. Really, these parties are usually okay. My lovely sister-in-law sells Avon, and her relatives throw Selling Things Parties, too. There is always good food, interesting products, and a refreshing lack of retail mark-up. I’m far too lazy and inhospitable to become an Avon lady myself, but I love having a source for really good and cheap cosmetics and gifts! OK, done. BACK TO POST
4. But actually, you do. BACK TO POST

4Jan2013

Beyond Moist and Panties: Five Words That Are Awful

Posted in Lists by Molly

Slurp. I don’t think I have to elaborate on this. I’ll just add that it’s even worse if the object of the slurping (I’m SORRY, okay?) is a gross or slimy food. Slurping oysters? We have a winner… If by winning, I mean everyone loses.

Hunker down. I know this is just me. It makes me picture a family huddled in their basement, in squat position, scrunching up their faces in worry and contemplation. God, they’re probably even playing dominos or something similarly pathetic, all ‘hunkered’ like that.

Men of the community of Pie Town, New Mexico e...

These public domain New Mexicans look pretty hunkered. (Photo credit: The Library of Congress)

Duty. In law school, this was my word-nemesis. My person-nemesis was a guy in my trial technique class who made me cry because he was mad at how much better than him I was at fake trials, but I digress. Try not giggling as you discuss a “serious duty.” Say it aloud if you have to.
Poop, you guys. It sounds like you’re talking about poop.
[Law school word-nemesis runners-up: Taint, tortfeasor.]

Juices. This one is context-specific, and is only horrible when it’s not referring to actual, acceptable, fruit-derived liquids. I was grocery shopping with a friend once who said he couldn’t find the aisle with the “juices” for his Swiffer. I think I hit him. But that was six years ago and he’s doing fine. I promise. More importantly, he’s learned to never talk like that again because it’s disgusting and everyone hates it.

Smear. See also, schmear.
What’s that? Do I want a schmear on my bagel? No. Never. Because I’m not awful.
You’re telling me to liberally smear sunscreen on my skin after swimming? Well, I’m telling you to liberally shut up. This word’s only acceptable in the context of making sure that you don’t have HPV.

Wouldn’t this taste better if you just called the stuff on top “some cream cheese?” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

4Jan2013

In Defense of The Bachelor

Posted in Entertainment by Traci

What’s that now? Did you stop reading? Hold your horses and hear me out.

As one who reports on reality TV as if my life depended on it (literally, my job is to write reality TV news), I admit I was like you, reader, and was extremely skeptical about the entire process.

I confess, I watched The Bachelor/Bachelorette in high school. My TV taste has obviously changed in the past decade, and I hadn’t watched it since, until this past summer.

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard, was down to her final four guys when I tuned in, and not knowing anything about this girl or the guys prior to the episode, I found myself extremely pulled in to her story and the guys she had left. This season was different than any other I’d seen, because Emily is a mother to a seven-year-old girl, so she’s purposely not sleeping around with the final few guys, since there’s so much more on the line than herself. I admit, I was Team Jef all the way, and was extremely (and perhaps, unhealthily) happy for this new family. I was pulling for them. I was gushing over every picture Emily posted of Jef coaching Ricki’s ‘Green Beans’ soccer team. I really thought they were going to make it. Until they didn’t.

But looking back on the entire season as a whole, I realized that yeah, I was drawn to the cast of “characters,” but I found myself emotionally attached to the situation in a way I never thought I would be. It was not like any reality show I had seen before. I’ve never been so intrigued with a group of people in a bizarre setting as this one. Back when I was watching the show as a teenager, the show was all about finding one true love. But as an adult, I’ve realized it’s the ultimate study in human behavior, and that’s why you should be watching it.

Ok, so forget about what you think about the show – the excessive kissing (and general whoring around), the cheesy rose ceremonies, the lavish and exotic dates. Let’s get back to basics of this show.

It’s the only program that truly captures how people react when their emotions are on the line. Not money, not a recording contract, but their emotions. How will these 25 people act when they’re thrown into one house, forced to live together, and even yet, vie for the same single Bachelor?

Of course they’ll behave differently because the cameras are on them. You would too. But I think that it comes to a point where yeah, they know that there’s a lens on them, but it’s such a background thought that they can’t help but let their real feelings come through. In everything they do, there’s a sense of truth and realness in it, even if the situations they’re put in are so ridiculous and would never happen in their normal lives. But even if they’re acting like a heightened, more dramatic version of themselves, there’s still a part of their true selves acting on the emotions.

So what happens if one starts to have feelings for that Bachelor? I doubt any of the Bachelor franchise ‘winners’ tried to be the last person standing in order to get fame or notoriety or money (If they did, then that’s an even more interesting aspect of social behavior). I’d bet that every single one who received the final rose was, at that very moment, completely and utterly in love with their on screen paramour. No doubt about it. It doesn’t matter if they break up days or months after the cameras stop rolling, it’s that in a twisted, fast-paced way – they found each other.

But when I thought about it, in the end, what makes this show so fascinating is that it’s really not even about the Bachelor/ette finding love. It’s how they got there, who took a part in that journey, and if they can withstand life without cameras around them. If someone you know just got engaged, you don’t ask if they’re in love – you ask how it happened. What is the sequence of events that led these two people together? A thousand different variations could happen if just one person in the cast of 25 is switched out, but their particular journey led them to this very outcome.

I’m a firm believer of the ‘everything happens for a reason’ mantra, and it especially holds true to this situation. If you’re meant to fall in love on a TV show, then so be it. If you’re meant to fall in and out of love in front of millions, then it’s only made you stronger for it.

So before you change the channel on Sean Lowe’s new season of The Bachelor, just give it a shot with a different outlook on it, because it’s not the process that makes these relationships fail. And it’s not that you can’t find love on the show. It’s how you deal with the aftermath.

(Abridged version of above: just watch The Bachelor so I can have someone to dish to on Monday nights, kthx)