We know that every new year is a fresh beginning. As about 5 people’s Facebook posts reminded us last week, January 1 is just page one, and we have 365 pages to go (except I guess on a Leap Year?). But life isn’t a book, friends. It’s a Top 40 radio station, because on January 1 it does not wipe itself clean and reboot with all new content. It’s playing the same old tired songs that it was on December 31. Extended metaphors aside, here are the tunes from 2014 that we wish REAL radio stations would have let stay in 2014.
Traci’s Picks
Habits (Stay High) – Tove Lo
Possibly controversial opinion? Call me a prude, but I just cannot stand the lyrics to this song, which I guess is unusual because I’m a fan of a lot of songs that involve drugs and sex and the ilk. Maybe it’s because she’s admitting that she has to stay high on drugs in order to avoid her real life problems and then brags about about it, in a seemingly immature way, which is even more annoying. Perhaps it’s my old age but it’s like, ugh, just get your shit together.
Paranoid – Ty Dolla $ign
Again, it’s not that I’m totally opposed to songs like this which talk about dudes sexin’ women, but this song is such blatant infidelity. He’s basically all, ‘I’m at a club and two of my side chicks are there, and I know they know each other exists, so this is all probably just a ploy to blow up my spot. Or maybe I’m just making this whole thing up because I’m paranoid.’ Here’s a way to help your paranoia – don’t go cheating on your girl. #ByeFelicia
Rude – Magic!
You know what would be really rude? If this song continued to play throughout 2015.
Anaconda – Nicki Minaj
I understand that Baby Got Back is a classic 80s rap song, which exactly why it shouldn’t be used in a sample for one of Nicki Minaj’s songs merely 22 years later. Plus I just find this song annoying.
#SELFIE – The Chainsmokers
I feel like this is self explanatory. Also, any song that involves a hashtag in its name should automatically be banned.
Molly’s Picks
All About That Bass – Meghan Trainor
It’s like the Top 40 version of a Dove ad. It’s fine to like this song – so catchy! – but ultimately anything that panders to your insecurities by telling you that “we’re all beautiful” is still telling you that it’s important to be beautiful. A song that says “guys like you more if you aren’t skinny!” is still saying that it’s their approval that matters. Cute video though.
Timber – Pitbull feat. Kesha
You know those songs that, the first time you hear them, you feel like you’ve heard it a hundred times before? That’s Timber. And I don’t think the turn of phrase with “going down” and “timber” is half as clever as they think it is.
Hey Brother – AVICII
Is it a shootout at high noon in a Tarantino-ish or Luhrman-y movie, set in the Old West but with a modern soundtrack? If not, then this song has no place.
A Sky Full Of Stars by Coldplay
When I imagine all the earnest 19-year-old boys with acoustic guitars singing this in dorm lounges, I really feel for today’s college students. Of course, us ladies in our late 20s had to contend with earnest Coldplaying during our coed days, too. When I was in college we still had AIM profiles, and this guy I was seeing had, first of all, pointed yet still vague Coldplay lyrics in his profile (what was I thinking?) and they were directed at his ex-girlfriend. And the lyrics were from Fix You. It’s so great to be a grown up now, guys.
Wiggle – Jason Derulo feat. Snoop Dog
Don’t try this at home, boys. “This” being interrogating someone about how she shoehorns her butt into her jeans. Also the answer is probably either Spanx or “actually, they’re jeggings.”
2014 was a big year for Ben Affleck. He got to strap on the Batfleck Batman suit, he showed his peen on the big screen in Gone Girl, and he got his wifey pregnant. Or maybe not so much the last one. But the other two are true. Ben’s constantly in the tabloids, so what can we believe about him without dismissing it as another absurd rumour?
Well, friends, we’ve cycled back into that biennial rumor that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are having another baby. Frankly, I just don’t know why this is a concern. Is it because people are worried about overpopulation? Because it’s not like the world is overpopulated with charming, well-dressed children who are genetically suited to star in romantic comedies and movies where they avenge the deaths of their blue-collar family members. If there even is a quota on that, we haven’t hit it.
The worst thing about these rumors is they usually say that Affleck is a massive jerk, and Garner is having another kid to “hold onto him.” I have a very specific, mostly baseless mental concept of Ben Affleck, and that just doesn’t fit with it. My Mental Ben Affleck could best be described as a “classy Masshole.” He has a heart of gold, or maybe the outside is gold and the inside is some kind of craft beer.
There are some fictional facts I’m willing to believe about Ben Affleck, but they’re more like this:
Ben Affleck’s first swear as a child was “Jesus, Mary and Joseph!”
Ben Affleck’s first job was giving tours of Old North Church.
Old ladies loved how into the “one if by land, two if by sea” bit he got.
All of Ben Affleck’s high school girl friends had names that ended in “een”: Maureen, Colleen, Eileen, etc.
The city of Boston has issued Ben Affleck a platinum Charlie Card.
On the regular CharlieCard, Ben Affleck is also the artist’s model for the guy in the ball cap blocking the door.
Ben Affleck lost his virginity at Fenway (it was closed), at whichever age you, personally, consider neither too young nor too old.
Every year, Ben Affleck makes a “Good Will Hunting” pun at his annual hunting weekend with the boys. Nobody thinks it’s funny, ever.
But make no mistake, Ben Affleck is freakin’ cherished by those guys.
When there’s a mosquito or a fly around his head, Ben Affleck is the only living human person who actually tells it to “buzz off.”
Whenever you see Ben Affleck carrying a Starbucks cup, don’t be fooled: it’s actually Dunkin’ Donuts inside.
In Ben Affleck’s wardrobe, Friday is Polo Day.
Ben Affleck was a very early member of New Kids On The Block. He named the band.
They were initially called “Kids On The Block” but Ben Affleck said they needed something that “sounds newer.”
Ben Affleck’s one true regret in life is never joining a frat.
Ben Affleck had to work with a dialect coach for Good Will Hunting. He kept getting psyched out and using his “acting voice.”
Ben Affleck has quite the collection of Hummel figurines. He inherited the first ten or so from his meemaw, but kept buying them because “fuck it, I think they’re cute.”
“If you don’t think this is fuckin’ adorable, you’re probably an asshole.” – Ben Affleck
What you may know (via IMDB) is that when he was a kid, Ben Affleck’s mother told him that in order to get a dog, he’d have to pretend to walk a fake dog for a week. He quit after five days and never got the dog. I like this because it has the air of an origin myth, like George Washington and the cherry tree, only possibly even more fake-sounding. What you may not know is that Ben Affleck’s imaginary dog lived to the ripe age of 17, and Ben continued taking it out for walks and to the dog park well into his early 20s.
Inspired by Ben’s mom, Matt Damon told Ben that he’d only collaborate on Good Will Hunting if Ben would show his commitment by writing a pretend screenplay for a week. By the end of the week Ben had written the first ten pages of Good Will Hunting, a children’s story heavily influenced by Make Way For Ducklings, and a limerick calling Matt a “doosh bag” (spelled exactly that way). The rest is history.
When Ben Affleck takes his wife for ultrasounds, he always looks up at the bulletin board and comments that the doctor “has a lot of babies.” Nobody’s sure whether he’s joking or not.
Now’s a good time to mention that Ben Affleck loves babies and babies love Ben Affleck.
In the mid-90s, Ben Affleck told Movieline magazine that his favorite TV show was “Singled Out.”
Whenever Ben sees a lady with a French manicure, he tells her that she “looks real nice.” He appreciates when you make an effort, you know?
Ben Affleck was at the receiving end of this – with a super soaker:
Ben Affleck has seen every episode of Dawson’s Creek, but hates “that doosh [sic] with the big forehead.”
Ben Affleck was in the original cast of Goonies, but his scenes were reshot with Sean Astin when it became clear that Ben’s baseball team had a real chance of making it to the Little League World Series.
They’re cool now, though.
Ben Affleck’s son, Samuel, is named after Samuel Adams. The patriot and the beer.
Ben Affleck hates Chicago. Says it “gives him the creeps.”
Gives Ben Affleck the willies.
Ben Affleck’s confirmation name is Matt. Matt Damon’s confirmation name is Ben. (Imaginary Ben Affleck is Catholic, although Real Ben Affleck is, evidently, not).
When they’re making fun of Gwyneth Paltrow, the Garner-Afflecks use an affected British accent. Violet’s is particularly good.
Ben Affleck is constantly scheming to become best bros with Bradley Cooper.
Can you blame the man?
Ben Affleck has a tattoo that incorporates the logos of all of the Boston teams – and you’ll never guess where it is!
Happy 2015, everybody! The start of a brand new year is always a happy, hopeful thing – but as you get older, the passing of time can also make you a little blue. As you get older, you are also more and more likely to spend New Year’s day holed up in bed, watching Netflix and eating whatever your go-to hangover foods are. This didn’t used to happen to us. Anyway, these are all of the pop culture moments that make us cry, on a scale from one to five Crying Dawsons, in case your plans for the day include a lot of media content and a little crying.
Some pop culture moments are engineered to make you cry. Any time they show you an old man who is alone, or a beloved dog bravely facing his mortality, you know they’re trying to make you bawl.
Others aren’t supposed to be sad, but for some reason they grab onto your feelings and twist them until your eyes water. For instance: any time a child sings and it’s very beautiful.
Then there are those moments that were meant to be sad, but came out hilarious instead. I present for your approval:
This is the rare tearjerker scene that makes us weep – because we’re laughing so hard. So with Dawson Leery as our patron saint of pop culture crying, we’re listing those moments in entertainment that brought us to tears. Our scale stretches from one Crying Dawson (your eyes are lightly watering, but there’s no real tearstorm) to five Crying Dawsons (or as we like to call it, a Full Leery). And disclaimer: there will be spoilers ahead. Consider yourself warned.
One Crying Dawson
The final, heartrending scenes of The Notebook. And I’m only putting it here because zero crying Dawsons wasn’t an option. I’m a monster, I know.
The end of Bridesmaids where Maya gives one last glance back at Kristen before she gets in the limo with her new husband. There’s an unspoken understanding between two best friends that just gets me.
Any time an actor/actress that is announcing Emmy/Oscar/Golden Globe nominations at the asscrack of dawn, only to announce their own name as one of the nominees.
Cyrus realizing he was the reason his hubs got killed on Scandal. You brought it on yourself dude.
The end of City Lights (taking it way back to the 1930s here!), when the blind girl sees the tramp for the first time.
When Mary is sort of mean to Martha in A Secret Garden but it’s because she doesn’t know how to play or love and her parents are dead and she lives in a creepy house in the middle of nowhere.
The “Love Is A Dream” sketch with Phil Hartman and Jan Hooks, serving the one-two punch of old people thinking about their youth, and people who died before their time.
When the now-elderly Peaches take a team picture and sing their song one last time in A League Of Their Own.
In The Great Gatsby, both the book and film adaptations, when Daisy delivers the “beautiful fool” line. Gut punch.
Two Crying Dawsons
When Papouli taught us about Greek dance, the love of family, and brief character arcs on Full House.
The look on Louis’ face when his daughter plays the violin duet with the neighbor on Louie.
The episode of The Simpsons where Homer gets the crayon lodged in his brain removed and suddenly becomes smart. At the end Lisa reads a letter he wrote her from before he got dumb again and it was the first time anyone in her family understood her.
Also, after Maggie is born and Homer goes back to work at the plant, he covers the mean plaque from Burns “Don’t Forget, You’re Here Forever” with her pictures so that it now reads “Do it for her.”
When Brian Williams reported on the NBC Nightly News that his daughter Allison Williams had been cast in the live version of Peter Pan. No matter what you think about the casting decision itself, you have no soul if you don’t get emotional watching him be so proud of his daughter.
Jen Lindley’s final conversation with Jack. And TBH, I might have cried more when Jack and Dougie declared their commitment to each other on the beach.
When Will believes his father isn’t going to leave him again on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air but Pops lets him down again, and Will breaks down in the arms of Uncle Phil asking why his dad doesn’t want him.
The voiceover at the end of The Time Travelers episode of How I Met Your Mother, when Future Ted says that he wants 45 extra days with The Mother… probably because at that point I had a pretty good idea of what that darn show was going to do to us.
Leslie saying goodbye to Ann on Parks and Rec. Uteruses before duderuses.
When Mel Gibson is getting ready to leave in The Patriot, and his mute daughter runs after him screaming “I’ll say anything!” Doubly so now that she’s passed away.
Three Crying Dawsons
The final moments of that old dog in Homeward Bound.
The Muppets (2012), just in general. It made both of us cry and neither of us knows why.
Jessie singing When Somebody Loved Me in Toy Story 2.
I was in a hotel a few months ago and came across a documentary on like the Travel Channel or something that was about the new Diagon Alley attraction in Harry Potter World at Universal Studios Orlando, and the planning, construction and attention to detail that went into it before they opened the doors. Before opening it to the public, a select group of young HP fans were let into the park as a sneak peak and the look of awe was astounding. I can’t imagine being a kid, being obsessed with the books & movies and finally being in Diagon Alley for real.
In what is one of my favorite dances over all the seasons of So You Think You Can Dance, golden child Travis Wall choreographed an emotional contemporary (and Emmy nominated) piece to Coldplay’s Fix You, a dance based on his own experience of helping his mom through her bout with cancer. While Fix You is always a tearjerker, add on the brilliant dancing by Robert Roldan and Allison Holker and you have a piece of pure art that will leave you breathless.
Speaking of SYTYCD, season 11’s Ricky Ubeda was one of those winners who actually deserved the victory, thanks to his combination of talent and personality. But during Hollywood week, it was his solo that made me (and a lot of other viewers) single him out from the crowd, thanks to vulnerability and emotion he brought to the dance.
Lily telling Marshall his dad died on How I Met Your Mother.
The final scene in Friends when they all walk out of Monica & Chandler’s to go to Central Perk and there’s one final sweep of the empty apartment with swelling music in the background.
Four Crying Dawsons
Carrie Underwood singing. Pretty much singing anything. Especially if it’s live. I’ve seen her in concert three times and every single time I was brought to tears. She sings with such passion and conviction. And if she’s singing any kind of religious song, you know she’s channeling the big JC, making her voice even more powerful for some reason.
The scene in both the book and movie version of The Fault in our Stars where Hazel is giving the ‘eulogy’ for Gus in the church.
The Normal Heart. All of it.
Friday Night Lights – pretty much the entire show. However, I’ll pinpoint one that stands out, which is when Coach throws Matt Saracen into the shower, but QB1 breaks down, insisting that his loved ones always abandon him. And to continue this Zach Gilford lovefest, the entire episode of The Son is heartwrenching, but I won’t ruin it for you if you haven’t seen it.
Call it the Jason Katims effect because Parenthood also makes me cry during every episode, no matter what. Again, it’s hard to pick just one, so the scene where Kristina tells the family that she has cancer – a scene so powerful with no words at all. This current season hasn’t been lucky for Zeek, and because of personal reasons, I’ve found his storyline extremely upsetting. Also Mae Whitman crying. Legit the best crier in the biz.
The series finale of Gilmore Girls in which Rory assures Lorelai that she’s “already given her everything she needs” before she goes on the road following Senator Barack Obama. In fact the final like 20 minutes of that show including Rory’s speech under the tent make me cry so hard that I’ve only watched the finale approx thrice, as opposed to like the 30 times for all the other episodes.
The finale of I ❤ Nick Carter where he and Lauren get married. Legit stayed up til 4am watching it and it was totally worth it. His family sucks but good thing they have the rest of BSB and other friends and family – that’s what got me.
Jim Halpert learning he and Pam are having a baby after she injures herself at the company picnic. The whole office singing Seasons of Love to Michael on his last episode. The ‘Forever’ flash mob at Jim & Pam’s wedding and them getting married on the Maid of the Mist and Jim cutting off his tie. The entire series finale. I had a hard time saying goodbye to The Office.
The first 5-ish minutes of Up.
When Mary and Edith realize that they’re the only ones left after Sybil dies.
I was never big into Buffy, but that scene where Buffy tells Dawn that their mom has died, and you’re watching it through the window of her classroom? Nope.
DOBBY. RIP.
Five Crying Dawsons
The Quarterback episode of Glee where Finn (Cory Monteith) dies. I literally went through almost an entire box of tissues during that and I’m not even a huge Glee fan. The pain on everyone’s face was real, and watching Lea Michele sing – forget it.
The end of The Best Man Holiday – what in the fuck was that all about?! I paid $15 to see Taye Diggs and his fellow HBM co-stars possibly take their clothes off and it turned out that I needed extra sleeves because my tears and snot were all over the shirt I went in with.
Right before Leslie and Ben get married, when she’s talking with Ron in the hallway. I’m a wedding crier anyway, but jeez.
In Little Women, when Jo is going through the trunk in the attic after Beth has died (note: Beth’s death gets knocked down to 4 Crying Dawsons because of the weird brogue Claire Danes starts speaking in).
Everything that happens after Sara Crewe goes to live in the attic in A Little Princess. This is the second Frances Hodgson Burnett appearance on this list so I hope wherever she is, she’s proud of her vast legacy of children’s tears.
The funeral scene in Philadelphia, when they show the home movies of Beckett as a kid with his mom.
Good Will Hunting: 4 words – “It’s not your fault.”
My Girl: 6 words – “He can’t see without his glasses!”
Dead Poets Society: 4 words – “O Captain! My Captain!”
It’s New Year’s Eve, kids, so what better way than to spend it at the hottest club in New York City? This place has everything, confetti from the American Idol finale 2004, Taco Bell Chalupa small bites passed on plates made of cinnamon sticks, and Jell-o shots made out of Bill Cosby’s tears (too soon?).
The first weekend of Coachella 2014 has come and gone, but there’s still one more weekend of music and hipsters and alcohol and drugs and questionable fashion in the desert. In LA, these two weekends in April basically means a mass exodus of folks heading out to Indio, and in certain neighborhoods (read: hipster neighborhoods), it’s eerily quiet.
And while Coachella is a music and arts festival, I feel like it’s become less about the music and more about the event itself, which celebrities you can spot, and how many artistic Instagram photos you can post. Lest we forget about all the indie rock bands and dance/rappers we’ve never heard of before? That’s what Coachella is all about. When you look at the lineup and go, ‘IS THAT EVEN A REAL BAND??’
People who are real Coachella fans get off on knowing bands before everyone else knows who they are, no matter how ridiculous the name of their band sounds. So in the spirit of putting the music back put on your flower headbands and try your hand at guessing whether the following words are real legit bands that are playing at Coachella this year, or the name of a fake club by SNL’s former city correspondent, Stefon. Good Luck! (highlight the text between the two arrows for the answer!)
Scuba
⇒ COACHELLA ⇐
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Scuba, real name Paul Rose, is an EDM DJ from London.
Blitzen
⇒ STEFON ⇐
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New York’s hottest holiday club is Blitzen, and right now they’re having their 12 Days of Christmas dance party. It has everything: (sung to the 12 Days of Christmas) 12 jacked albinos, 11 Little Richards, 10 piercer babies, 9 Asian Balkis, 8 gay Aladdins, 7 psychos swearing, 6 Puerto Screechers, 5 homeless Elmos. 4 coked up frogs, 3 French hens, Taylor Negron, and a human parking cone… It’s that thing were two jacked midgets paint themselves orange and you have to parallel park between them.
Jelly Bones
⇒ STEFON ⇐
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Located on the Lower Upper Side, this random home invasion is the creation of legally drunk clothing designer Nick Nolte and Gabana. As you walk in, you’ll be handed a glass of champagne – or is it piss? This place has everything: Slurpies, mushmouths, litterbugs. But Don’t worry about security, because it’s guarded by an army of hobo-cops. Homeless Robocops.
Holy Ghost!
⇒ COACHELLA ⇐
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Holy Ghost! is an American synthpop duo from Brooklyn.
Thank You!
⇒ STEFON ⇐
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New York’s hottest club is Thank You! Located inside a crashing blimp, this euro trash utopia is a creation of beatnik doctor, Soulpatch Adams. And this place has everything: ziplines, fish food, that fat Hawaiian guy that no one invited, an old Pakistani woman that looks like a California raisin. And this weekend they’re having a tournament of everyones favorite trivia game: Shaun White or Bonnie Raitt. Look closely, the answer may surprise you.
Graveyard
⇒ COACHELLA ⇐
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Graveyard is a hard rock band from Sweden with members whose real names are Axel Sjöberg, and Truls Mörck, clearly taking a page out of the Mike Schur book of fake names.
Drowners
⇒ COACHELLA ⇐
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Drowners is a “post-punk” band from New York City. Whatever “post-punk” means.
Scampi
⇒ STEFON ⇐
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Illegally parked behind the Statue of Liberty, this hate-speech haven is a creation of frat boy guru D-Bag Chopra. This place has everything: Zip drives, gozers, Ke$ha. Is it Ryan Seacrest? No – it’s a drowned albino who looks like Axl Rose. For the kids, there’s a special workshop where you can build a bear… but not the kind you think. There’s a VIP section filled with Furtlenecks – it’s that thing of when like, fat guys have a beard, but only on their chin roll. And they have a pack of roaming draggers. Roaming draggers? It’s that thing of when an old dog has short legs but a long penis.
Slice
⇒ STEFON ⇐
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If you want fun, then listen to this: New York’s hottest club is Slice. Club promoter Gay Liotta is back, and this time he’s gone crazy. Jump in and join a dance party where you’ll see twinks, gypsies, grown men in wedding dresses, a cat from a bodega, puppets in disguise… It’s that thing like when Alf wore a trench coat, so he could go out into public.
Daughter
⇒ COACHELLA ⇐
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Daughter is a British indie rock band, whose songs have been used on Grey’s Anatomy, Teen Wolf, and Arrow.
Poolside
⇒ COACHELLA ⇐
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Poolside is a Los Angeles-based duo who classify themselves as “Daytime disco”. Honestly, in addition to making up band names, can these bands just make up their own genres too?
Bicep
⇒ COACHELLA ⇐
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British Dance DJ who has the least appealing name ever.
Push
⇒ STEFON ⇐
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This place has everything: Ghosts, banjos, Carl Paladino, a stuck-up kitten who won’t sign autographs, furkels.
Furkels? Fat Urkels. After you’ve been with one of those guys, you’ll ask yourself “Did I do thaaaat?’
There comes a time, as you grow and change and find your place in the world, that you realize that some of your childhood was a lie. For instance, I once thought that the March sisters from Little Women were four wholesome, hoopskirted gals a-wassailing through Greater Boston. But as I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that really, there were three wholesome broads with those skirts, and one total bitch. That bitch? Amy Curtis March.
Growing up in the 1990s, it was sort of normal for a girl to be into the 1800s. The American Girl catalog was in your mailbox, the Little House books were in your Scholastic orders, and everyone had a mom or grandma who was really into Dr. Quinn. The 1994 film adaptation of Little Women was right in the zeitgeist. When I saw that it was on tv around Christmas, nostalgia got the better of me. I had to watch. And, umm… something jumped out at me that didn’t when I was a kid. So, I decided to re-read the book on my bus rides to and from work, and it was confirmed.
Amy March was a huge freaking bitch.
I accepted early on that Amy was my March counterpart. While I loved writing and piano, I was neither a free-spirited tomboy like Jo nor a gentle, shy dead girl like Beth. And Meg — seriously, did anyone ever want to be Meg? Leave a comment if you did. No, I was an Amy. I’m also the youngest of four, and I – like many youngest children – am kind of hammy and want everyone to love me. Like the youngest March sister, I’m even the only one of my siblings to miss out on getting a nickname. Alcott never mentioned it, but I just know that Amy felt like she got the shaft there.
So,while it does pain me to say this, let me repeat: Amy March was a total bitch. Let’s discuss:
Nobody Cares About Your Nose, Amy.
Amy hates her nose, which is described as a small, flat snub nose. Oh, so an adorable nose? A nose that is too cute? What a trial that must be – like those girls who complain about being “too pretty.”
Amy wants a “Roman Nose,” which according to Wikipedia, is “a human nose with a prominent bridge, giving it the appearance of being curved or slightly bent.” Wow, March. Have you ever got shit taste in noses. That’s probably what my nose looks like, and you know how I got it? Not by sleeping with a clothespin on it – no, I broke it. Twice.
Oh, You’re Too Good for Hand-Me-Downs? Can it, Amy.
The hardest thing in Beth’s life was dying of scarlet fever and the hardest thing in Jo’s life was having a dumb-bitch little sister who stole her manuscript, Eurotrip, and Laurie, but Amy — the hardest thing in her life was having a tiny, cute nose and having to wear hand-me-downs.
Alcott writes: “Amy was in a fair way to be spoiled, for everyone petted her, and her small vanities and selfishness were growing nicely. One thing, however, rather quenched the vanities. She had to wear her cousin’s clothes. Now Florence’s mama hadn’t a particle of taste, and Amy suffered deeply at having to wear a red instead of a blue bonnet, unbecoming gowns, and fussy aprons that did not fit. Everything was good, well made, and little worn, but Amy’s artistic eyes were much afflicted, especially this winter, when her school dress was a dull purple with yellow dots and no trimming.”
Look, I had a cousin who was an only child, and her mom shopped at the good stores. The day I’d get the big black trash bag of her hand-me-downs was like a freaking holiday. Oh, Florence’s mama sent you a red bonnet? Well my cousin’s mama sent me skorts and shortalls, and I was happy to have them.
Amy. Limes Are Stupid.
Poor thing. Always thwarted in her search for citrus fruits.
Pickled limes were the fashion at Amy’s school, because apparently she was educated with a bunch of other little dummies. So, Meg gave Amy the rag money to buy some limes, and I’m not even completely clear on what “rag money” is, but I’m pretty sure that if your family is poor enough to rely on something called rag money to supplement your income, safe to say you’re pretty hard up and shouldn’t be wasting your money on preserved citrus fruits.
Limes were outlawed in Amy’s classroom, but obviously all of the kids still brought them in, kind of like tamagochis in my school, circa 1998. [Sidenote: the spell-check suggestion for tamagochis is “masochists,” which is pretty apropos. What were we doing to ourselves? At least when limes are the 6th-grade trend, you don’t have to sneak off to feed it every 3 hours.] But, Amy wouldn’t give this girl Jenny a lime because Jenny was being a total bitch, so Dumb Bitch Jenny told the teacher that Amy had limes. He made Amy throw the limes into the snow and Amy had a fit even though a citrus fruit will do just fine in the snow. As a matter of fact, Amy couldn’t have known this, but in like 70 years they’ll invent this magical box that keeps food cold all of the time and – will wonders never cease – the food lasts longer. Also Amy’s limes are PICKLED, which admittedly is gross, but it means they can stay outside for a minute. [However, the limes do get stolen. We’ll go there later.]
Oh, and then the teacher hit Amy’s hand, which was majorly not cool. Our biggest bitches in this story are really the teacher and Dumb Bitch Jenny. Still, Amy’s a bit at fault for squandering the family’s rag money on some stupid limes.
Amy March Hates Irish People. This Irish Person Says Amy March Can Suck It.
The Republic of Ireland has retaliated by naming its least-appealing souvenir porcelain doll after Amy March.
When Amy’s limes got thrown into the snow, she wasn’t upset because she lost her limes – she was upset because the limes were “exulted over by the little Irish children, who were their sworn foes.” Yep, Amy March’s sworn foes were anonymous Irish street urchins. You bet your sweet bippy that one didn’t make the Winona Ryder movie. It wasn’t losing the limes that made Amy cry like – forgive me – a little bitch, it was the Irish kids getting the limes.
Amy. You live in Boston. Concord, whatever. You know those little Irish street children? They’re going to run your city. In 100 years, the descendants of one of those lime-eating Boston Street Micks is going to be our nation’s president. Your city’s basketball team is literally going to be called the Celtics. Don’t worry about what basketball is. If your grandchildren ever get arrested, you know who’s going to do it? An Irish cop. But you don’t even have to wait 100 years. Even in the 1860s, every one of those Irish kids has a pack of 14 siblings to back them up in a fight. And those kids are scary. They have been working in silk mills since they were 5. You know how my great-great-great grandmother survived the Potato Famine? By eating GRASS. Honestly, poor Irish children from Boston in the 1860s are probably the worst “sworn foes” you could make.
So, on behalf of Irish and part-Irish Americans, let me just tell Amy March that she can suck it. Know what she can’t suck, though? A lime – because the Irish kids got them. Booyah, March.
Ruining the ONE THING Your Sister Loves? Pretty Bitchy.
Remember when Amy was a little piss who burned her sister’s manuscript because Jo dared to have fun without her? God. What is your beef with Jo, Amy? Tell me. Because it’s sort of a recurring theme throughout the book.
On the plus side, I’d like to thank Amy March for the world’s first lesson that you should always, always back up your work.
You’re Using It Wrong, Ames.
I just cannot with this basic girl and her five-cent vocabulary. Honestly, though, Amy is 12 when the book starts, and that’s an 1860s 12. In 1860s Massachusetts, you could be a six-year veteran of the mills at 12. You could be betrothed at 12. But no, Marmee sent Amy to the ol’ schoolhouse instead, probably because of the child’s demonstrated inability to speak the English language. Look, Amy wasn’t spending her time watching tv or instagramming. The only thing to do was read books and learn how to use words properly, yet she was somehow incapable of doing it. For instance: “label” for “libel” (when she actually meant slander) and “vocabilary” for “vocabulary.” You just know this bitch says “liberry” and “pisgetti.”
I’m not saying I’m glad her teacher beat her at school, because I’m not, I’m just saying that if any of the March sisters deserved a formal education, it wasn’t Amy. All I know is, if Amy March lived today, she’d be that little cousin of yours whose tweets and Facebook posts are so incomprehensible that you basically have to do an English-to-English translation every time you read them.
She’s not even that good at art so maybe she should just shut up about it.
Amy March isn’t a real person, but she was somewhat based on Louisa May Alcott’s sister Abigail May. May probably had a lot of gifts and talents, but art wasn’t one of them. Here are some of her drawings:
Compare the scale of Marmee(?) in the chair with the girl to the right. It’s like a Cabbage Patch doll next to a Barbie.
My favorite part is the floating table.
May died young, and that’s sad, but you know what else is sad? These sketches.
I Ain’t Sayin’ She’s A Gold Digger (Yes, I am. Yes, she is.)
So, first Amy gold-digs her way into Fred Vaughn’s heart. Then, she sees the opportunity to get with Laurie, who in addition to being wealthy, also provides her with the opportunity to ruin Jo’s life. So, she does that instead. Either way, she’s a gold-digger.
Steals Jo’s Trip
Eyes on the prize, Li’l Amy. Eyes on the prize.
Jo put up with Aunt March’s Crappy Plumfield Storytime every day, with the understanding that at some point she’d get a Eurotrip out of the deal. Look, for a 20-year-old girl in the 1800s, it wasn’t as easy as just finding a college with a good study abroad program.
Then, Amy – freaking Amy – swoops in, befriends Aunt March, and gets the trip. As an indirect result, Jo had to move to a boarding house and marry an old German man.
Steals Jo’s Man
Jo and Laurie were endgame. I refuse to hear differently. Sure, Jo shot down Laurie’s proposal, but I think it was just the wrong time — she was coming back for him later, and that’s all there is to it.
So, when Laurie proposed to Amy — because she was the next-closest thing to Jo — Amy should have had the decency to know that Laurie was Jo’s one true love.
Instead, Amy was a total bitch, so she married him.
Conclusion
After all that, here’s the truth: now that I’m an adult, Amy is my favorite. Beth does nothing, gets scarlet fever, then dies. [Also, please don’t stone me, but did anyone else think Beth wasn’t exactly playing with a full deck?] Meg does nothing, twists her ankle, then gets married. Jo ruins her chance at true love, and acts so obtuse about how to behave in human society that I think she’s just doing it to get on her sisters’ nerves. She’s like that one girl in college who tried to be unconventional just for the sake of it, and you were always like “you know what? You’re not Amelie. Stop trying to be Amelie.”
Whether or not you think Amy is a huge freaking bitch (and don’t get me wrong, she is), that girl knew how to go after what she wanted. Somehow, she was ridiculously well-liked, but at the same time, you sure as hell didn’t walk all over Amy March. But, if I ever ended up with an Amy March of my own, I would need to make like Marmee and send her to live with a great-aunt for her teenage years – because honestly, what a little bitch.
We’re into our second week of our Best of Cookies+Sangria series, and we’re taking time to remember the conscious uncoupling that was Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. With Gwyneth the Goop herself at the center of all this, one can only imagine just how pretentiously beautiful the divorce will be.
Actress and lifestyle expert Gwyneth Paltrow is getting separated. Excuse me – consciously uncoupled, rather – which, in case you’re wondering, is the sound that the word “separated” makes when spoken from very far up your own ass.
Even though her soft piles of money probably ease the experience a little, the fact is that splitting up is never easy — and is even more unfortunate for a family with kids. But I got to thinking about Paltrow’s brand, too. GOOP is a lifestyle website/store/thing that teaches you how to live like a rich macrobiotic WASP-y lady. That is: beautifully.
Folks who don’t make GOOP-level bank look to Pinterest to beautify their lives with a little less Nordstroms and a little more D.I.Y. Sadly, some of those first folksy burlap-and-lace Pinterest weddings have probably resulted in some less-beautiful divorces conscious uncouplings by now. So the question is: if you’re a person who carefully curates every detail of your life to Etsy-level twee perfection, how do you divorce with style? What kind of cupcakes? HOW MANY MASON JARS?
Here’s how I think a Paltrow-worthy Pinterest divorce board would look – the sad but real end to many a Pinterest wedding:
But that’s not all! Try these other GOOP-y pins to cutify your split:
A divorce party … with a photobooth!
Have your attorney wear Bluegrasss-y suspenders
Everyone at the child support hearings sits on hay bales
How to eat your feelings? Gluten-free cupcaaaaakes!
Out-of-context quotes from Dr. Seuss and Winnie-the-Pooh
Repurpose your used tissues into seasonal art or faux flowers
A baby wearing an absurdly large head-decoration
Burn his stuff in a bonfire – AND make gourmet s’mores over the embers!
Keep track of your attorney and realtor appointments in a ‘bulletin board’ made from an old barn window
When the divorce is finalized, have your friends greet you outside of the courthouse with sparklers!
After your S.O. cheats, construct some rustic signage outside of the house telling him exactly where he can go!
Not speaking? Communicate through adorable chalkboard slates!
How’d Christmas go? Any of those presents, chosen with love and care of course, make you internally ask yourself “WTF?” The answer is probably yes, and there’s a good chance that one of those WTF worthy presents came from Victoria’s Secret. That doesn’t surprise us one bit, because the 2014 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was one hour-long WTF spectacular.
It’s hard to believe that it’s been a whole year since I was made, let’s be honest, entirely perplexed and 100% jealous by the 2013 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. But here we are again, with another night of impossibly attractive people, whimsical angel wings, bizarre segment concepts, and Taylor Swift. If the VS folks just aired the same show every year, how long do you think it would even take us to notice? Still, I managed to find a whole new set of things to make me say WTF this year.
Segment 1 : Screensavers
I don’t know, I think the theme is fancy screensavers. Or seizures. They’re just projecting flashy patterns on an LCD scrim.
As of three minutes in, I can’t be sure how many ladies have walked because they all look identical. Is this some sort of VS Fashion Show/ Orphan Black crossover? Because that, I would watch.
There’s one with brown hair, and they make her wear wings that are actually enormous puffed sleeves, like she’s the Anne Shirley of this joint.
All of these ladies have serious Leonardo DiCaprio’s Girlfriend hair.
Behind The Scenes #1
Models look pretty on airplanes. That’s the Truth I Didn’t Want To Face of the day.
Models on a plane.
Me on a plane.
Segment 2: Dreamgirls with Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift is performing in a nightgown from an Anne Rice story. It’s Blank Space, that song about lonely Starbucks lovers.
A model walks down the runway wearing wings made of trees from the Lorax. Or models of amoebas.
T.Swizzle serenades each one of the Walking Girls, like the emcee of this children’s beauty pageant in a documentary I once saw. And like the pageant children, the walking girls pretend to like it.
Karlie gets what appears to be rattan fly wings instead of angel wings. They make the girls who don’t get wings wear filmy capes. Do NOT piss off the guy who hands out the wings.
Behind the Scenes #2
I missed a minute and came in for a lady (some sort of layman?) calling the models “curvy and voluptuous”. Those words are as cringe-y as “moist” and “nosh.”
We learn about the “fantasy bra,” which is basically like if Rose Dewitt Bukater had a bra.
Segment 3: Exotic Traveler featuring Ed Sheeran
Sheeran isn’t singing that one song about the cold prostitute. But he is dressed like Ron Weasley at a Christmas Ball.
“Exotic traveler” means they’re dressed like porny Madame Alexander dolls. We have a gal in a Native American headdress, a chilly bullfighter, then a lot of neon shit that’s supposed to be … Brazil maybe?
One broad (Kelly Gale?) has a plastic printed skirt that looks like she’s representing whatever part of the world Delia*s (RIP) is from.
Does Ed Sheeran have a tattoo of sunglasses on his forearm?
I think one model (Daniela Braga) is representing Fraggle Rock.
Behind the Scenes #3
A model (Candice? Behati?) compares reaching the end of the runway to scoring a touchdown. Fitting, because I compare watching the VS Fashion Show to the Superbowl. You’re watching genetically gifted people do what they’re made for, but you still sit back and armchair quarterback it anyway.
Ariana Grande wants to “spank a booty;” I continue to not get it about booties.
I missed about a minute of commercial time when I could have been brushing my teeth and letting my dog out, because I didn’t realize that this hour-long commercial had gone to commercial.
Segment 4: University Of Pink featuring Ariana Grande
“Bigger fan to de-arm this… and if your rhythm is needy ga ha harm me holla holla holla baby”: What I hear in Ariana Grande’s lyrics. Girl, ENUNCIATE.
Putting her next to 6-foot models really highlights that Ariana Grande is awfully Ariana Pequeña.
Ariana Grande is wearing a Lisa Frank skirt.
My B.A. isn’t from the University of Pink, but at my college there were a lot more hoodies and uggs.
Oh. There are backup dancers dressed like an early 2000s Missy Elliot. Which works, because everything Grande sings sounds like the lyrics that came after “put that thing down, flip it and reverse it.”
Behind The Scenes #4
Doutzen tells us that it takes a year to make the wings. Damn. Monica Something, the layman who was talking before, talks up the wings as well.
Segment 5: Fairy Tale featuring Hozier
I love Hozier but this is a weird combo, right? The setup is very Hansel and Gretel, Black Forest-y. Hozier is just kind of there, singing soulfully, and the models walk past him without making eye contact like he’s a busker and their train is coming.
Monica Whatever was right, though. These wings are gorgeous.
Behind The Scenes # 5
Russell James is an Australian photographer who is “like a monkey on the set” and “likes to push us a little bit,” but in a pranky George Clooney way, not in a skummy Terry Richardson way.
He has photographed an entire book of the angels – titled Angels – which would make the perfect Christmas gift for the lady in your life who really needs her self-esteem knocked down a peg or two.
Behind The Scenes #6
Karlie Kloss discusses her love of ballet, because in case you forgot, she’s lovelier than you. She dances (beautifully, of course) with a guy in a Puffy Shirt.
Segment 6: Taylor Swift, Redux
Swiftie is sort of like the Mama (Chicago) or Mama Rose (Gypsy) of this segment.
There are like 10 times more models than I saw during the entire show so far.
Too many models. I’m gonna go do squats and crunches for the next forever, bye.
Doutzen Kroes looks like Denise Richards, if Denise Richards were about to cry.
Do the do full face transplants if you aren’t’ technically disfigured? Asking for a friend.
Finale
It honestly looks like this is the most fun these models have all year, since this sort of goofiness isn’t allowed on any other runway, ever.
There are so many balloons, it’s like the telethon episode of Full House.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, FRIENDS!! Hope everyone is enjoying time with their loved ones this holiday season! In the spirit of Christmas, we’re looking back at the games we might’ve opened back in the day – and what their movie counterparts would be in modern times.
Because apparently movie makers can’t come up with original ideas anymore, there is a live-action film based on the board game Ouija that is coming out today.
In the movie version of the game, a group of teens try to contact their dead friend but have to confront their “most evil and demonic fears” when they dark powers of the Ouija board come to life. That’s the real plot. Of course the concept of taking a board game and making it into a movie is nothing new, with the likes of Clue and Battleship before it, but I feel like it hasn’t been until recently that producers are looking to kids for ideas. I mean look at Transformers and The Lego Movie, which were blockbuster hits. There must be other board game movies in the works, but until those come out, here are a few suggestions from iconic 90s games that should head to big screen.
13 Dead End Drive
Pitch: Aunt Agatha, the matriarch of a rich family in the Hamptons, with a similar demeanor to the Dowager Countess of Grantham, dies at the age of 110, much to the delight of her greedy family. They fight over her estate and assets over the course of a weekend in her Long Island mansion, but her offspring are each secretly trying to kill each other in order to get the most money out of her will. Keep your eyes out for that sneaky cat that might actually trump the humans in the game of trickery.
Mall Madness
Pitch: Set in the 1990s in Minnesota, twin sisters are given a credit card to spend any way they want in the Mall of America for their birthday. But when their parents set them loose, they go a little crazy with their spending habits, running around the mall from store to store swiping the card willy nilly, despite their parents telling them to only spend $150 each. In the process, they witness a man stealing from the local Foot Locker and spend the rest of their day trying to catch him. It’s a big screen version of The Adventures of Mary Kate and Ashley: The Case of the Mall Marauder.
Dream Phone
Pitch: Jennifer, Kaci and Veronica are having their monthly sleepover and decided to prank call a bunch of cute guys from their school. But when they misdial a number, they end up talking to a man who isn’t as friendly as he sounds and they spend the rest of the night trying to avoid his calls – and his unwanted visits to their house.
Don’t Wake Daddy
Pitch: The girl who plays Lily on Modern Family and the kid who plays Cory and Topanga’s son on Girl Meets World are siblings who secretly stay up to play a game that’s like Rock Paper Scissors and Russian Roulette late at night and whoever loses each round has to go into their parents’ room and play some sort of prank of their dad – without waking him up. Luckily he’s a narcoleptic so it’s easier done than said.
Pretty Pretty Princess
Pitch: Set in Renaissance-era France, this movie is a coming-of-age story about a young group of boys sneak into one of their dutchess mom’s rooms to try on her clothes and jewelry and one of them secretly likes dressing up in women’s attire more than the others.
Perfection
Pitch: Mary Anne is a high school junior who has always been a perfectionist and at the head of her class. Lately, college tours, application essays, the SATs and the regular grind of school have been making her go a little crazy, so she keeps having odd recurring dreams. The main one involves her trapped in a labyrinth where the main goal is to put huge shapes into their proper corresponding holes before a giant buzzer goes off and she’s ejected from the game and has to start all over again. Starring Ed Begley Jr. as the Games Master.
Splat!
Pitch: A modern tale of a twenty-something Brooklynite who already trouble balancing her job at the local coffee shop and her dog walking job, and the fact that she’s in a long distance relationship with a boy from New Jersey. It only gets worse when she gets bed bugs.
Ask Zandar
Pitch: Zack and Elisa find an old board game in his mom’s attic, and it contains a weird fortune-telling wizard as the main component. Zack is the ever cynical one of the BFFs, but Elisa knows there’s something more to the crystal ball than they think. They end up seeing parts of their future that they like, but a lot they wish they had never seen at all.
Girl Talk
Pitch: Three high school girls stay up all night talking about boys, school, playing MASH and eating Halloween candy, but what they don’t know is that someone is following their every move and recording everything they say. The next day at school, their secrets are exposed and it’s up to the trio to find out who is out to get them.
*Yes, that is me and my two friends from high school, because we were really cool back then.
Gator Golf
Pitch: A group of friends decide to spend their Saturday night at the local mini golf place after plans for a pizza party fall through. At the final hole, they assume the ball goes through the giant gator and down to the golf clubhouse, but one brave soul figures out that by going into the gator’s cave-like mouth, there is a tunnel of secrets underneath the seedy underbelly of the mini-golf course that the owner never wanted exposed.
Merry Christmas Eve! Christmas is a time of giving, but in many families, it’s also a time of putting up with obnoxious younger relatives. If any of you have teenaged cousins or siblings going through an “I read a book on philosophy and now I know everything” phase, the quotes from Jaden and Willow Smith’s wacky interview will sound all too familiar. We just had to translate them to a teen-friendly medium — tumblr clichés.
If it’s not too forward of me to say, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith are raising a couple of silly gooses. Willow and Jaden Smith gave an interview to T Magazine this week, and it’s full of quotes that I almost can’t believe. Except I can believe them, because these children were educated by special Scientology schooling and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. It’s basically like an interview with that guy from your freshman year dorm who just discovered weed, 100-level philosophy, and socialism at the same time.
I’m sure the Smith children are on a path to becoming caring, well-rounded adults. But even the most grounded adults have cringe-worthy teen years to look back on. Jaden and Willow seem to have missed out on their teenage awkward phase, face-wise. Mazel! But they’ll always have this interview to remember and shudder.
As silly as their interview is, I’ve noticed that if you pull quotes and superimpose them onto tumblr cliches (pictures of the cosmos; hand-lettering) they aren’t that different from stuff everyone’s already posting and reposting.
That’s why we re-imagined these quotes from Jaden and Willow Smith’s crazy T Magazine interview as tumblr cliches:
1) Quote in sans serif font superimposed over a picture taken by a space telescope:
2) Quote in shaky hand-lettering of varying sizes and styles:
3. Photo of an old-Hollywood icon with a quote they didn’t say in typewriter font:
4. Quote displayed as ransom note-style strips of text atop an unrelated photograph, maybe from the 1920s or something:
5. PUPPIES! And then an entire comment comprised of hashtags:
#so when one thought goes into your mind #it’s not just one thought # it has to bounce off both hemispheres of the brain #when you’re thinking about something happy you’re thinking about something sad #when you think about an apple #you also think about the opposite of an #apple
6. A child-like, line-drawn comic illustrating the quote:
Despite the fact that Taylor Swift has gone country to pop this year, the one thing that she hasn’t changed is her penchant for showing off her dance moves at awards shows. Or rather, producers’ decision to keep showing her dancing at awards shows. But what if we took TSwizzle out of the element and pictured her dancing to non-dancy songs? We explored this in April, and here are our findings.
The Academy of Country Music Awards were on Sunday (I’m sure you all watched it. No? Okay), and we were treated with another installment of “Taylor Swift Dances at Awards Shows”. While the producers opted not to show T Swift the ENTIRE time like other shows have, they waited until almost the final performance to cut to her moving awkwardly. Just when we thought we had escaped her.
If you’re one of the folks that didn’t watch this show, it’s important to note that she’s dancing to Darius Rucker and Lady Antebellum sing Wagon Wheel, a mid-tempo tune that doesn’t reallllyyy warrant this kind of dancing. Just note everybody else in the audience – they’re clapping and singing along, while Swifty is jamming out like it’s Daft Punk on stage.
But then again, she IS the type of person to dance to the beat of her own drum. For example, this (a-mah-zing) gif of her dancing at the Grammys this year to Kendrick Lamar and Imagine Dragons. #WhiteGirlsDancingInTheFrontRow #EveryoneElseIsSittingDown
Since it’s basically proven Taylor will dance to anything, it made me think of how great it would be to see her dancing along to slow jams. Not just any slow jams, but love ballads from the 1980s, when everything was overdramatic and cheesy, filled with teased hair, shoulderpads, and pounds of makeup. The only thing we need is Taylor mouthing the words to these tracks, because she has to also prove she knows every single song in the world by practically unhinging her jaw when singing. We get it. You like every artist and know all the lyrics.
So click on any one of these tunes and scroll through this collection of GIFs:
*Sidenote: IDK if I am going crazy or sleep deprived or all of the above, but i LIT’RALLY was crying laughing to myself while putting this together. Get a freaking grip.
98% of the time she turns to her friend/Selena while dancing, they’re not paying attention.
she is dancing with the award she won around her wrist
This was the Pinnacle from the CMAs – an award which has only been given to one other person in the history of the show – GARTH FREAKING BROOKS. AND THIS BITCH HAS IT DANGLING ON HER WRIST LIKE A SPARKLY BRACELET YOU WIN WITH 10 TICKETS FROM SKEE-BALL AT CHUCK E CHEESE
Cookies + Sangria 