I’m Just Not That Into You: Pop Culture Blind Spots

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by Traci

One of my favorite pop culture sites, Vulture, recently posted an article about their staff’s “Pop Culture Blind Spots.” Basically, this is a term coined for people who usually tout their knowledge of entertainment, but have those few shameful gaping holes that the rest of the world has been privy to – except you.

Here is my list of blind spots, that I fully own up to, and will probably never rectify any time soon.

Star Wars

I feel like for most people, correct me if I’m wrong, the Star Wars franchise was something they grew up with, a movie tradition passed down generation to generation. But I grew up as a first generation offspring of Filipino immigrants. I think they were stuck somewhere in the 1950s/60s because I remember watching The Lawrence Welk Show every weekend and listening to the Oldies station on the radio. Needless to say, I was never ‘shown’ Star Wars. But in all honesty, I have no interest. Like most of the things on the list, I can tell you the main characters, perhaps a plot point or two, but if you start talking to me about death stars and the force or something, I will most definitely tune you out.

Lord of the Rings

Gay Gandalf FTW

In 6th grade, we were required to read The Hobbit. That is the closest I’ve ever gotten to Lord of the Rings. I don’t remember being really into Frodo and his gang then, and I certainly am not as an adult. But like, Sir Ian McKellen played like a gay Dumbledore-like guy, right?

Pirates of the Caribbean

One time at a party in my high school years, I remember that one of the movies was playing (I was really cool back then). It’s not like everyone was forced to watch it, it was one of those things that it was on in the background while everyone mingled and ate cool ranch Doritos. I tried focusing my attention on it for like 10 minutes but lost interest. Sorry Johnny Depp. I’m just not that into you. The ride at Disneyland is pretty dope though, I’ll give you that.

Godfather/Scarface/etc.

I’d consider watching Scarface if he attacked people with a banjo

In the same vein as Star Wars being a tradition thing, I also did not see any of those gangster type movies. This blind spot also has a lot to do with the fact that I hate anything with a lot of violence in it, so it bodes well that I haven’t seen these.

Tarantino films

oh my god what is happening here

Continuing with the theme of ‘Traci hates gruesome violence,’ I have never seen any of Quentin Tarantino’s films except Inglorious Basterds. I thought I’d give that a try because a couple of my friends loved it, and Brad Pitt AND BJ Novak were both in it. I watched it on a Saturday and it literally took me all day because I either couldn’t bear to watch it, walked away, or fell asleep. The violence and brutality was wayyy too much for me, and just confirmed the fact that I am not the target demographic for any of his films.

What are some of your pop culture blind spots?

31Jan2013

The Best Of: Kelly Clarkson Cover Songs

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by Traci

KC did this awesome thing on her recent Stronger tour where she asked fans to send in their requests for songs they would like to see her cover during every single stop on the tour. The result was fantastic, as she murdered pretty much every song she performed. Entertainment Weekly compiled a list of all of them, but here are my favorites if you want the abridged version.

*PS: Note to ALL YouTube uploaders: It is absolutely annoying when you talk during the video and the viewer can hear every single word out of your damn mouth. Shut it.

I Know You Won’t – Originally by Carrie Underwood

Fix You – Originally by Coldplay

Gravity – Originally by Sara Bareilles

Crazy For You – Originally by Madonna

Poison and Wine w/ Duets contestant Jason Farol – Originally by The Civil Wars

30Jan2013

Show You Should Be Watching If You Aren’t Already: Catfish: The TV Show

Posted in Entertainment by Traci

I watch an embarrassing amount of television. I take that back. I just watch a lot more television than the average person. Given my real life job is revolved around TV, but in addition, I am, and always have been obssed with television. So in saying that, I have seen a fair share of good and bad programs, but I’ll be sharing some shows here that I think everyone should pay more attention to, because they are well worth your time.

PS: Watch this space, because I liveblogged a recent episode, and it was good. Oh it was good.

Catfish: The TV Show

Cat·fish [kat-fish] noun — a person who pretends to be someone they’re not,
using social media to create a false identity, particularly to pursue deceitful online romances

When I first saw the Catfish movie about 2 years ago, I freaked out because it was so good. It was so good that I watched it twice before returning it to Netflix HQ. Like those who had seen it before me, I also refused to let up on the plot and outcome, because giving it away would ruin the entire point of the movie. HOWEVER, it’s nearly impossible to not ruin it without telling you about the consequent TV show that came out of the movie.

This show is hosted by Nev Shulman, who was the creator and subject of the movie. He basically helps people who have been in an online relationship with someone, but the trick is that they’ve never met in real life. And as things get serious between the internet daters, questions may start to arise like – why the hell haven’t we seen each other IRL yet what are you hiding from me are you wearing pants while we talk?

So basically Nev helps them solve the mystery if their online beau is legit or not, and they go to their house to see if they’re the real deal. 99% of the time, they’re not who they say they are. CHRIS HANSEN, WHERE ARE YOU? jk, not shit like that. But I mean, like you never know who’s on the other side of the screen.

Also, Nev is the best. Like the cutest. Like I’ll create a fake profile for him, I will.

29Jan2013

Gay men I’d marry to be their beards

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by Traci

It’s no secret that I’m a fag hag. I say that lovingly, mostly because my gay friends insist that I am one. So in saying that, there’s only a handful of men I’d be willing to give my life to in order for them to hide their homosexuality. Clearly, I’d much prefer for people to come out and live their life freely, but in an alternate universe where these formerly closeted gay men were somehow looking to wife someone up and I was BFFs with all of them, these fellows top the list.

Anderson Cooper

The silver fox is of course super smart and knowledgable of the current haps in the world, but the man is actually really hilarious. He has a very dry sense of humor that come across on his now cancelled talk show, that gives me pure joy. And did you know that he loves reality tv? I mean when you think about it, coop’s not gonna go home and watch the news. He watches trashy tv. Nene leakes is his favorite housewife which h has publicly professed his love for her before. Clearly this reason alone is why we’d have a lot to talk about at home.

Jonathan Groff

I’m just gonna say it now. Pretty much any musical theater nerd I am available for. But j groff is such a cutie. Loved him via stalker videos of spring awakening, but loved him even more after I saw this video of him with Susan Blackwell, and the follow up video at his family’s goat farm. What? Yes.

Neil Patrick Harris

No list of awesome gay men is complete without NPH. He literally can do anything. You know he’ll make you laugh, be a good father and bring home the bacon. AND he’s the president of the magic castle, which is somewhere I’ve always wanted to go.

Adam Shankman

I really just want to be his best friend, but they say you should marry your best friend, right? If you’re not familiar with Adam Shankman, you’re probably familiar with his work. His IMDb reads like a theater tween’s dream (i.e. me), he directed Hairspray, A Walk to Remember, and The Wedding Planner, a producer on 17 Again and The Last Song, and most importantly, a judge on So You Think You Can Dance. The guy just seems like a good time, and I just want the possibility of going to a Zefron house party.

Matt Bomer

Basically he’s pretty. He looks like a really good dad. Plus he’s a really good singer. And he’s pretty.

23Jan2013

Doing Lines: The Best of Gossip Girl Plots

Posted in Entertainment by Traci

Gossip Girl poster featuring critical review (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Why did I watch Gossip Girl until the very end?

No but really, can someone explain to me why I stuck with it? I think I jumped on the bandwagon circa mid-season one, when it was bad in a good way. Five seasons later, it’s just bad in a bad way.

I gotta be honest, towards the end of season five and all of season six, I was just watching out of habit. Like it was on in the background but I was playing Bingo Bash on my phone instead, only to look up every once in a while to be like, “wait why is B doing this? How come S is in rehab again?” There were so many new characters and plot points hit in the final season that not only was I confused about them, but I was wondering how it was all going to come together come the finale.

And in the end, I was actually surprised that the writers managed to wrap everything up so quickly, and make it easy to follow. I was quite satisfied with how everything turned out, even the reveal of SPOILER ALERT GG being Dan Humphrey, someone who was not a total surprise behind the mysterious blogger. Plus, exec producer/The OC creator Josh Schwartz even managed to get Rachel Bilson and Kristen Bell in a scene together. Worth it.

But just to recap on the entire six season tenure of the show, here are some of the most ridiculous storylines to ever have made the airwaves/make me question yet again why I continued watching the program.

S1: Blair’s parents get divorced, her father brings home a new boyfriend, while her mother brings home the teacher from Clueless in a later season
Georgina reveals a man died in Serena’s presence under the influence of drugs, while being videotaped
S2: Nate hooks up with a married woman who turns out to be Sherry from Gilmore Girls
Georgina comes back from Jesus Camp
Bart bass dies in a car accident
Rufus finds out that for years, Lily has been hiding the fact that she gave birth to their one and only son years ago, gave him up for adoption, and he currently goes to school in Boston.
S3: Dan has a threesome with Vanessa and Lizzie McGuire
Jenny Humphrey becomes a drug dealer, assisting the kid who was in Air Bud
Chuck basically prostitutes off Blair to his Uncle Jack in order to get back the hotel his father owned
S4: Serena has a new found relationship with her former teacher Ben, who later is jailed because her mom has him arrested for statutory rape, but Serena has no idea she did it
Georgina tricks Dan into thinking he is the father of her child
S5: Dan buys depressed Chuck a dog named Monkey
Blair and Chuck get into a car accident where Blair suffers a miscarriage, Chuck nearly dies, and Blair eventually marries French Prince Louis
S6: Serena dates Matt Camden from 7th Heaven, while Nate coincidentally dates Matt Camden’s 17 year old daughter, Sage.
JK, Bart Bass is actually alive
Ok, but really, Bart Bass actually dies because he gets in a fight with Chuck, falls over the edge of a NYC high rise, and Chuck doesn’t help him.
Gossip Girl turns out to actually be Gossip Guy

Whew. Like I said, why and more importantly, HOW did I watch all this?

22Jan2013

Why You Gotta Be So Mean: My reasons for strongly disliking Taylor Swift

Posted in Entertainment by Traci

If you know me, you know that one of the celebrities I cannot stand is T Swift herself. If you don’t know me well, you probably assumed that due to my other interests (BSB, Disney Channel queens, pop music in general), that I would be inclined to like aforementioned singer. However, the fact is that while I do find some of her songs catchy, I personally find her annoying, immature, insincere, and not that great of a singer. While she may be great to her fans, I just don’t care for her.

I think my indifference turned to great dislike when I saw her perform on SNL in 2009. For some reference, since I come from a singing/musical theater type background, I greatly appreciate singers who can sing well live. This – this, was not a good live performance. I remember thinking, ‘Oh good GOD this is just… awful. And pitchy. AND AWFUL.’ (Incidentally, I found a link to this video in an article titled ‘Worst SNL performances’)

From then on, I could not look at the girl without thinking of her horrible SNL appearance. To add to the negative counts against her, she kept winning awards and as most of you know, acting surprised when she received every.single.one. Bitch, we get it. You’re a simple average girl from Pennsylvania who used to get bullied in school and now you’re a worldwide pop sensation. Accept it. Everyone else has.

Really glad someone made a video montage of her surprised faces. Ugh, I got annoyed just watching it. My favorite part is at :13 when the announcer says this is T Swizzle’s 10th American Music Award and at that moment she literally looks like she’s never won anything in her life. Get a grip.

She’s also got quite the black book of famous ex-boyfriends, and then turns around and writes a song about how they’ve wronged her AND OMG THERE IS SOMETHING CALLED THE ‘SWIFTIPEDIA’.

Here’s my thing: do you think she ever realizes that the common denominator in all her failed relationships is… her??? Also, you’re like 23 years old, stop writing songs like you’re still 15. (See lyrics to Mean: ‘all you’re ever gonna be is mean. Why you gotta be so mean?’)

So in short, don’t get me a Taylor Swift CD for my birthday, Christmas, or ever. I’m sure she’s a nice girl in person, but I just could care less.

22Jan2013

Live Blog: I Tried To Live Blog Liz and Dick

Posted in Entertainment, Live Blogs by Molly

7:32 I’m still rooting for Lindsay Lohan. Casually, I mean — the way I still want my high school’s football team to win, but don’t want it-want it, because that would be sad.
The reason I’m casually rooting for Lindsay Lohan is that, if you asked me 10 years ago where I thought she’d be at 26, I would have pictured something better. Not an Oscar winner, but possibly a recent People’s Choice nominee. I thought she could play a pretty lady who falls in love, but also falls down in front of attractive men a lot, and has a quirky friend or a sister with kids. Maybe both!
But here we are instead, on Lifetime. I only read one review of this movie, a NYT piece that was only slightly less scathing than this review I read several years ago that was entitled “Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium is Really, Really Bad.”
Please prove them wrong, Lindsay. I care, a little.

Cover of "The Parent Trap (Special Editio...

Lohan in kinder times.

8:01 Did the movie start yet? I couldn’t find my remote (it was under my butt.)

8:03 It’s still not on. Lifetime couldn’t fill two hours, minus 45-ish minutes of commercials? This doesn’t bode well.

8:05 This is supposed to take place in yesteryear, but everyone’s clothes look too modern…

8:05 This is not Liz and Dick. Liz and Dick starts at 9. Changing to The Best of Jimmy Fallon on VH1.

8:05-9:00 JIMMY FALLON. Am I right?

9:00 Lindsay looks pretty in the title sequence! I get kind of bummed when people say she’s looking old, because I’m a fellow ginger and realize that only a year or two of hard living stand between my face and Lindsay’s, which looks like broken dreams. By my mid-30s, I honestly expect to have a face that looks like it’s held together with scotch tape and hope.

This mugshot is found from http://www.perezhil...

I guess she looks okay here considering it’s a mug shot [File under: faint praise]. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

9:02 Ouch. This VoiceOver IS really, really bad.

9:03 All black outfits? Directors’ chairs? What even is happening? And where is James Lipton? He should be here.

When you watch Inside the Actor’s Studio, you have to drink every time they refer to acting as “my craft.”(Photo credit: Angela Rutherford)

9:07 First “violet eyes” reference. Fake Richard Burton just said “white hot bosom” with far less irony than I’d like.

9:08 LiLo is really splitting the difference between her Hallie Parker accent and her Annie James accent here.

9:11 Ugh, Caesar haircuts. The last time I found a man with a Caesar haircut attractive was when Joshua Jackson played Pacey Whitter. I can’t be blamed. I was so young then.

The Caesar was less-bad than the frosted tips in later seasons. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

9:15 I tweeted one of my live blog observations, and immediately regretted it. What if Lohan sees it? She’s still just a human, with a twitter account and feelings. A bunch of feelings, I reckon. If she sees it, and insults me back, I just know it would be both accurate and scathing.

9:21 Lily Allen is singing? Distracting.

9:21 It was a Client List commercial. I, um, haven’t been paying much attention to this tele-film.

9:22 Liz and Dick are bathing in a tub that looks like a huge sink. It’s like they’re enormous babies.

9:24 I always feel confused when people named Elizabeth just go by Elizabeth. There are so many nickname possibilities! I’m just jealous because my parents gave me an Irish scullery maid nickname rather than a proper name.

9:28 I bet if Liz Taylor were alive, she’d be real diplomatic about this disaster. What does she care? She has violet eyes and invented White Diamonds, which smells like a really nice-smelling mom or teacher.

This is Elizabeth Taylor not worrying about LiLo because she invented a perfume that can be made into DREAMS.

9:30 Commercial for other Lifetime movies. All I know is, I’m going to watch the shit out of An Amish Murder, if I remember to.

9:38 Liz is truly an almost Dina Lohan-quality mother in this scene.

9:40 My favorite part so far was those 55 minutes when I watched Jimmy Fallon while waiting for this to start.

9:49 What’s going on? I’ve been reading the Internet and forgot to pay attention.

Sometime after 9:49 but well before the end of the movie I fell asleep by accident. I tried, sort of.

17Jan2013

The Baby-Sitters Club: The Musical — Excerpts From The Libretto

Posted in Entertainment by Molly

If I know one thing that sells these days, it’s nostalgia. And if I know two things that sell these days, they’re nostalgia, and making musicals out of things that were never intended to be musicals. While I haven’t exactly worked out the whole thing, here are some song titles and sample lyrics from my smash hit in the making, The Baby-Sitters Club: The Musical.

The Chapter Where We Find Out About Everyone: This number is narrated by the Greek Chorus, which is comprised of three ladies dressed as Ann M. Martin, Beverly Cleary, and Francine Pascal (read: three women in cardigans with glasses and sensible haircuts).

Sample lyrics:

I know you will skip over this,
As you wait for the story to begin –
But listen, Please! And don’t forget
About Jessi’s cocoa colored skin.
And Mallory’s clear braces hide
The potential she has within –
Hey Reader! Come back here! Do not disparage
The chapter that tells of the Schafer-Spier marriage
It’s The Chapter Where We Find Out About Everyone,
Ghostwritten just for you!

Stonybrook’s Divorce Rate: In this selection, the babysitters and their charges mourn the demise of the nuclear family, as evidenced by Stonybrook’s sky-high divorce rate [see Dawn’s mom, Kristy’s parents, the Brewers, most of the charges who weren’t part of the 27-kid Pike family].

Stonybrook’s Divorce Rate, Reprise: The ever-opportunistic BSC celebrates the economic advantages of marital instability in Stonybrook: with so many single-parent households and moms on the dating market, there is an obscene need for babysitters.

Shannon Kilbourne is Boring: As associate member Shannon Kilbourne leaves the BSC to pursue additional college courses (probably with that nerd Janine Kishi, am I right?), the Baby-Sitters Club does not care. Because Shannon Kilbourne is really, really boring.

Sample lyrics:

Shannon Kilbourne is Boring
There’s nothing else to say
If Shannon Kilbourne’s a color
Then Shannon Kilbourne is grey
Like the stony halls of S.M.S.
On an empty summer day
No one cares about Shannon Kilbourne
We’d gladly give her away.

She’s our associate member
We call her when we get stuck
But Shannon’s not at our meetings
Cause Shannon Kilbourne sucks
She gives it her best effort, yes
But I still don’t give a fuck
We won’t miss Shannon Kilbourne
Shannon, Good Bye,
Good Luck!
[Shannon shrugs and walks away. She even walks away boring. There is no point to Shannon Kilbourne, and everyone knows it.]

The Diabetes Ballet: In this dance interlude, a dreaming Stacy finds herself stalked by dancing Twinkies, Twix, and Twizzlers that are hidden throughout Claudia’s room. She wakes up having wet the bed. [I can’t be the only person who has that moment in Stacy’s medical history seared in her memory.]

Almond-Shaped Eyes, Broken-Shaped Heart: Claudia mourns Mimi, her grandmother who taught her what love really is.

Sample Lyrics:

My earrings are ketchup and mustard bottles,
My leggings are airbrushed with relish
But my themed outfit grows from a sorrow below
Like a Bedazzler that cannot embellish.

My cowboy hat and boots may match
My cactus skirt and bolo tie
But nothing can match the sadness
Of the tears from my almond-shaped eyes.

Bart’s Bashings: After Kristy’s Krushers defeat Bart’s Bashers on the Little League field, Bart delivers his own crushing blow: he breaks up with Kristy due to their “incompatibilities.”

Sample Lyrics:

[Bart] Hey Kristy! When I talk to you, I run out of words to say –
Because all you talk about is softball, or the gym pants you bought today,
It’s not that I think you’re annoying – No! I just kinda think that you’re —
[Greek Chorus] SHH!
[Bart, spoken:] Well, you know everyone’s been thinking it…
You act like we’re an item, Kris, but girl, you’re no great thespian,
And those are some clunky boots you’ve got for a girl who’s not an equestrian,
It’s clear from context and subtext that your character’s really a —
[Greek Chorus] Bart! Come on!

Kristy Thomas, Bossy Bitch: The BSC members discuss how Kristy, while a smart and savvy go-getter, is also a controlling teen tyrant:

Sample Lyrics:

Someday she’ll be CEO

Someday she’ll be rich,

Some day she’ll set the world alight,

But right now, Kristy’s a bitch!

Kristy will someday be the head

Of a multi-national corporation,

And I’ll just say I knew her when

She was the bitchiest teen in the nation!

Kristy could run the FBI!

Kristy could be the president!

But in my heart she’ll always be

Stonybrook’s bitchiest resident.

But that’s just a bit of what The Babysitter’s Club: The Musical has to offer! Check some stage very far from Broadway around 2018 or so to hear these other great selections: JK Rowling, Plagiarist (in which the Pikes file suit for copyright infringement because the Weasleys were obviously based on them), Nobody Likes You, Karen Brewer (Gigundoly Bratty remix), BSC Super Special! (it’s exactly like a regular song but longer and with occasional cursive), and I Know He’s Just a Young Adult Character But I’ve Always Felt Like Logan Bruno’s Probably Really Hot. Continue reading →

17Jan2013

Genres Recommended To Me From Netflix

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by Traci

Social & Cultural Documentaries
Feel-Good Romantic Musicals
Movies Featuring a Strong Female Lead
Sentimental Independent Comedies
Cerebral TV Dramas
Witty Suspenseful TV Shows
Critically-acclaimed Witty Romantic Movies
Suspenseful Independent Movies
Mind-bending Movies
Goofy Kids’ TV

What I’ve learned about myself: I like things that are witty, on TV, and yet, mind-bending. That’s the last time I rate Inception 5 stars.

14Jan2013

Golden Globes 2013 – Best and Worst Dressed

Posted in Entertainment, Lists, Outfit Girl by Cookies + Sangria

{2/25/13 Note: Hey, did you come here looking for our Oscars 2013 Best and Worst Dressed instead? It’s over here.}

Best Dressed

Molly’s picks:

Sofia Vergara in Michael Cinco

Despite being entirely sequined, this dress is fairly pared-down for Vergara. I especially like the simple hair and fresh makeup. Bonus points for choosing a Filipino designer!

Kerry Washington in Miu Miu

This ivory color was gorgeous on her! I liked this more before I realized that the skirt was only opaque to a point, but still, the beading is beautiful and it’s such a good cut. It’s really easy for women as tiny-framed as Washington to disappear in big formal dresses. My only minor qualm, as I said in the live blog, is that I would have pulled her hair away from her face because it’s such a nice face.

Zooey Deschanel in Oscar de la Renta

Love the color, love the simple accessories, love the slightly rumply fabric, as a matter of fact. This is such a pretty orangey red and looks great with her skin and hair, though I have watched enough Joan Rivers to know that wearing red on the red carpet is risky because the colors can clash. As per usual, Deschanel is also sporting an insanely adorable themed manicure.

Helen Hunt in Dolce & Gabbana

Hunt and Washington both really worked the ivory/shimmery dresses without looking like brides (cf. Hayden Panettiere). If I were elderly, I would say that she’s a vision, but I’m not, so I’ll just say she looks really pretty.

Michelle Dockery in Alexander Vauthier

I keep waffling on whether or not I love this, but I think I do. The silhouette’s a bit funny around the shoulders, but otherwise perfect. I’d like a better look at her hair and that bracelet, though.

Honorable mentions: Amy Poehler (for managing to make a pant suit look hot. I’ll take this as a Knopian nod to women in government.), Ariel Winter (for looking 15), Olivia Munn (for picking what I think was a great cut/color for her).

Traci’s Picks:

Amy Poehler in Stella McCartney

Obviously my personal idol is on the list. But my love for her aside, she rocked the tuxedo look, and still managing to stay super sexy in the mean time. It made me want to marry her and never divorce her. Classy yet not trashy, that’s our girl Amy.

Naomi Watts in Zac Posen

At first sight this dark burgundy dress may not be much, but when she turns around the backless feature makes it breathtaking. Naomi of course is gorgeous in her own right, but in a sleek, stylish, and sexy dress, she looks out of this world.

Kerry Washington in Miu Miu

If you’ve seen Kerry traveling the world for the Django Unchained movie premieres, you’ll know that as of late, home girl hasn’t exactly been hitting home runs with hear red carpet fashion. However, I give her props for taking risks, and this gown in no exception.

Michelle Dockery in Alexander Vauthier

Oh lady Mary, you are quite a sight for sore eyes. Cousin Matthew is probably fawning over you right now. As I mentioned in the live blog last night, it’s always weird to see anyone from the show in normal people clothes, none the less in Hollywood style gowns. She looks absolutely stunning in this dress.

Kate Hudson in Aleander McQueen

I’m a sucker for black and gold – and for Alexander McQueen- so it’s hard for me to say no to this dress. It’s a bold statement, much like the rest of his company’s designs and not just any celeb can pull it off. Kate Hudson def did it justice.

Bonus: Ben Affleck for sporting a navy tux – Because he’s a muthafuckin GG winner and he can do whatever the hell he wants.

Worst Dressed

Molly’s picks:

Halle Berry in Versace

The fabric on this looks like those screen-printed sarongs that you can buy at the public market. It is also tattered and torn, like when Cinderella’s stepsisters ruin the dress that the mice made for her before the ball. So, in sum, this looks like a downmarket sarong sewn by animated mice that was ripped apart in a fit of anger.

Emily Blunt in Michael Kors

I’m not just saying this because she got to marry John Krasinski. I like the color and I don’t hate the fabric, I just can’t stand the cutouts on the side. It reminds me of the two piece, belly-baring prom dresses that were the thing when I was in high school. If you weren’t 16 in 2003 this dress might not bother you.

Rachel Weisz in Louis Vuitton

The little black dress with the bow would have been cute at dinner or a cocktail party, but why did she wrap that polka-dotted shower curtain around herself first?

Sienna Miller in Erdem

When she was (evidently) partying with P. Diddy he couldn’t have given her some wardrobe tips? The shape of this is horrible – the top of it is cut like those boxy Christopher and Banks sweaters that moms used to wear a lot. And the pattern reminds me of something I would have thought would look really groovy on a pencil case in 5th grade when I was really into Now and Then.

Julianna Margulies in Emilio Pucci

This is showing up on best dressed lists already, but I don’t care. She reminds me of those teenage girls who are really into long, terrible fantasy book series set in medieval times. Is that a dragon?

Dishonorable mention: Julianne Hough (who invited her and why is she wearing the adult, floor-length version of a Toddlers and Tiaras cupcake dress?).

Traci’s Picks:

Sienna Miller in Erdem

So sienna miller’s gown basically reminds me of the traditional Filipino dresses, commonly used in weddings and formal events.
It’s just too much.

Halle Berry in Versace

File under: When bad gowns happen to Oscar winners. Halle what were you thinking with this? It looks like a monster chewed up the LA Flower Mart with a bedspread from the 1980s then spit it back out in the form of a half-frock. But we know you’ve done much better.

Jessica Chastain in Calvin Klein

You’re a gorgeous girl, Jessica. So you don’t need to look frumpy. This seafoam colored dress isn’t doing you any favors, basically because it doesn’t fit we’ll and I was afraid your girls would fall out at any second.

Lena Dunham in Zac Posen

Big night for my Girl Lena, however she just can’t get her style quite on point. The dress makes her look much older than she actually is, and the gross color is even worse. Not to mention it looked like she was having a touch time walking in whatever shoe apparatus she was wearing, she may have walked away with 2 GG but she was having a hard time doing it.

Julie Bowen in Halston

Oh Julie. After last years Emmys in an awesome neon green gown, I thought you were on a roll. Please tell me that your kids were the reason why you picked this sack of a dress. Asymmetrical is not a good look for a lot of people, but this especially makes it look like someone bought a Butterick design from Joann’s and some navy fabric for $.75 a yard.