Live Blog: Golden Globes 2014

Posted in Entertainment, Live Blogs by Cookies + Sangria

Good evening (or afternoon, depending) and welcome to our 2014 Golden Globes Live Blog! Today, as always, please refresh your browser window periodically to load our updates. Keeps the “live” in “live blog,” you know. You can also find us on twitter throughout the event: @cookiessangria

Preshow

M: First thing I saw when I turned on the preshow was Lupita Nyong’o in a red dress with a cape. She has sleek, side-parted hair like a debonair gent in the Gatsby era, or young Isabella Rosselini. I say both of those as a huge compliment. Also, she recently graduated from Yale. And most importantly, she has the most perfect face ever. Honestly, just try to find something wrong with her face.

AND THEN. AND THEN. Biggest game-changer ever. Amy Adams is ALSO wearing a red dress with a cape. Ho-ly shit. How did this happen? Even small-town prom dress shops won’t sell the same dress to two girls going to the same prom.

Never fear. The cape (coat?) came off.

Does Tina Fey’s Dress have umbrellas printed on it????? In case you missed it, the little tiny man from E! offered to help her and her big ol’ dress train down the stairs, then just dropped her off at the banister and said “here, use the railing.” Rude. Also her dress does not have umbrellas printed on it, I just need to be less resistant to wearing my glasses.

Sarah Hyland looks like she’s from Game of Thrones. Note: I don’t watch Game of Thrones but I know it’s the one with the Pinterest-y braids and bad weddings.

Amy Adams is wearing a dress that is two shades of red, with red hair, on a red carpet. I’d complain about too much red but having spent a lifetime hearing what colors redheads CAN’T wear, Amy Adams can do what she wants.

Giuliana Rancic and Margot Robbie just had a conversation that played out like an awkward bar closing time pickup. To wit:

G: So… are you single?

M: …yes.

G: Ah, well not for long! Maybe you’ll meet someone tonight!

M: Well, I’m not really into actors…

G: [eyes light up]

Kerry Washington looks like a beautiful pregnant snowball.

Kerry Washington never spills.

M: Jennifer Lawrence… Jennifer Lawrence. As a mere mortal, I CANNOT wear 30 yards of white fabric literally tied directly under my ass, but Jennifer Lawrence isn’t the rest of us and it kind of looks okay. Or possibly like ascot opening day.

Sosie Bacon… your father may be only six degrees from everyone… you may call Tina Fey and Amy Poehler “Tina and Amy,” but your first name is still “Sosie” and your last name is still “Bacon.” I’ll always have that on you.

M: Matt Lauer, who looks increasingly like a grizzled sociology professor, just talked about Renaissance paintings. Slow your roll, Lauer. We’re not here for class. We’re here to watch pretty people get shiny things.

I may be making this up in my head… I’m probably making this up in my head… but they’re interviewing Tina and Amy, who are both just radiantly lovely, and does Amy Poehler look nervous? Probably not, right? Probably just that fluttery feeling you get when you’re about to KILL at something but it’s not time for you to do it yet. By the way, Tina Fey’s dress does NOT look like umbrella print, but maybe it’s some sort of Rorschach thing, and I was just projecting that my feelings for Tina Fey can best be summed up by Rihanna’s pop hit “Umbrella.”

Let’s talk about Michelle Dockery. Somehow, to me she always looks like Lady Mary dropped into a different milieu. She looks like if Lady Mary were a 2010s television actress, right now. Her dress is shimmery embossed perfection.

upstairs.

M: Matt Damon has greying temples. I’m not ready for this. He looks great, but he’ll always be the little scamp from Good Will Hunting to me.

And now, the queen of really iffy sounding blind items, Hayden Panettiere! Her brooch looks like a bow from a Christmas package. Her hair looks like it’s trying to be both a Mohawk but a full head of hair as well. Girl, you can’t have your cake and look like a dumbass too.

Kerry Washington is doing that thing where you cup your pregnant belly so that people know you’re not just fat. Hey ladies: you can pull that same move to get people to give up their seats for you on the bus, pregnant or not.

Cate Blanchett, who looks very pretty, just said that when deciding to do Blue Jasmine, Woody Allen “is all a girl needs to hear.” Is she trolling us, or is she hosting the 2014 Golden Globes Create Your Own Punchline Contest?

Tina Fey And Amy Poehler’s Lee Daniels’ The Butler Golden Globe Awards

M:Traci, when you get here can you tell me whether the GGs are held in a residential neighborhood? Because the aerial view was weird.

T: ^^ it’s in Beverly Hills, – so residential adjacent

T: HI FRIENDS I’M CHIMING IN AS MUCH AS I CAN BECAUSE I’M AT WORK AND I’M A REALLY GOOD EMPLOYEE. I can’t even focus because Amy and Tina are stunningly beautiful. Like my eyes can’t handle it.

M: Yes. Like, I needed them to train the camera on Martin Scorcese for a bit to give my eyes a break. There are still great roles for “Meryl Streeps” over 60, says Tina. Tina has one of those glorious hair-cape heads of hair, like Kate Middleton.

Tina Fey: “George Cloooney would rather float into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.” ZING.

Tina Fey again: Matthew McConoghey lost 45 pounds … or what actresses call ‘being in a movie.”

T: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: The only people who can make a joke about slavery and get away with it.

M: Yeah, it’s like a charming joke about slavery when they do it.

T: “The Blacklist is who’s invited to my room tonight” – ME TOO TINA. ME TOO.

M: Sandra Bullock, color blocking like a BOSS. (My boss doesn’t color block, he mostly wears button-ups and slacks.)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

Sally Hawkins, Blue Jasmine

Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle

Lupita Nyong’o, 12 Years A Slave

Julia Roberts, August: Osage County

June Squibb, Nebraska

Molly’s Pick: Lupita Nyong’o

Traci’s Pick: Jennifer Lawrence

Winner: Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer Lawrence: I actually DID watch all of the movies this year… well not all of them, you know what I mean.

T: J Law, never one to disappoint. I hope the HFPA keeps giving you awards even though you don’t want them to.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Jacqueline Bisset, Dancing On The Edge

Janet McTeer, White Queen

Hayden Panettiere, Nashville

Monica Potter, Parenthood

Sofia Vergara, Modern Family

Molly’s Pick: Monica Potter. I missed season 4 so I just watched it on Netflix, and HOLY COW why didn’t somebody warn me NOT to watch season 4?

Traci’s Pick: Monica Potter. It’s about damn time Parenthood got recognized and if cancer’s what it takes, then so be it.

Winner: Jacqueline Bisset

M: I don’t know who was expecting that less, us or Jacqueline Bisset. But, judging by her speech, it was Jacqueline Bisset. My favorite part was when the audio cut out, only to return on the word “shit.” My least-favorite part was the rest of it.

T: Um is Jaqueline Bisset going to pass out? Slash is it embar that I always think she’s related to Jackie O? (Is she related to Jackie O?) Is she gonna vomit? OH MY GOD THIS IS THE WORST ACCEPTANCE SPEECH IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. INCLUDING THAT TIME THE NATIVE AMERICAN ACCEPTED FOR MARLON BRANDO.

PS: Monica Potter was ROBBED.

M: Seconded. You should all watch Parenthood Season Four. Or, maybe don’t? Shit gets real.

BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

AMERICAN HORROR STORY: COVEN (FX Networks)

BEHIND THE CANDELABRA (HBO)

DANCING ON THE EDGE (Starz)

TOP OF THE LAKE (Sundance Channel)

WHITE QUEEN (Starz)

Molly’s Pick: American Horror Story

Traci’s Pick: Behind the Candelabra

Winner: Behind The Candelabra

M: Well, apparently we didn’t set this up with our predictions, but Elisabeth Moss just won Best Actress in a MiniSeries, etc. for Top of The Lake. She looks very Lady Mary tonight and it just took her about 8 minutes to navigate her way to the stage. It’s going to run late, solely because of all of the damn walking. Really, if I wanted to watch people walk medium-slow I would have gone to the mall at 7am when they open early for the mall walkers.

T: Fact: I hated HATED Top of the Lake, but Elisabeth Moss was so so good in it. If there’s some kind of montage on YouTube that just shows the scenes that she’s in, watch that, because the whole thing is the worst.

M: I’m so glad you said that, because I watched the first episode and decided that I just couldn’t deal with all that. Let’s take a moment to appreciate that Google Docs (where we’re drafting this) actually recognized that “Elizabeth Moss” was a mistake. You know there’s a real-life Elizabeth Moss out there who hates this feature.

M:Jonah Hill and a blonde woman stumble over a category because there’s no teleprompter. Shouldn’t he be funnier making things up as he goes along? Speaking of funny, they’re introducing Wolf of Wall Street, so I can maybe figure out how it’s in the comedy category.

Nope. Still don’t get it. But there was a shot of Gwyneth Paltrow opening a water bottle, so don’t worry, Goop is hydrated.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan

Michael Sheen, Masters Of Sex

Kevin Spacey, House Of Cards

James Spader, The Blacklist

Molly’s pick: Bryan Cranston

Traci’s Pick: Bryan Cranston

Winner: Bryan Cranston

T: Vince Gilligan has already taken off his tie, because he knows he already has these wins in the bag? Probs.

M: Definitely. His night was over before it began.

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

BREAKING BAD (AMC)

DOWNTON ABBEY (PBS)

THE GOOD WIFE (CBS)

HOUSE OF CARDS (Netflix)

MASTERS OF SEX (Showtime)

Molly’s Pick: Breaking Bad

Traci’s Pick: Breaking Bad

M: Aaron Paul took it away with a “yeah, bitch!” How did the censors not realize the inevitable end to any sentence spoken by Aaron Paul?

T: Well I think since they already accidentally miss-bleeped Jaqueline Bisset’s ‘SHIT’, and a few camera angles are out of sync, NBC is doing what it does best – fucks up.

M: The dude who just won for best score looks like Mokkiki from SNL. I feel like he’s about to do the Sloppy Swish.

T: He also looks like he just came off the boat with Robert Redford. Also P Diddy Sean Combs Puff Daddy Diddy Dirty Money is SUCH a ham in whatever he does. It’s like I anticipated him to takeover the mic while Washed Ashore accepted his award.

M: I just sat there while he was speaking trying to remember the proper form of address for him. I haven’t had such struggles since I lived in Spain and had to decide whether to “tu” or “usted” somebody.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG – MOTION PICTURE

“Atlas”, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

“Let It Go”, Frozen

“Ordinary Love”, Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom

“Please Mr Kennedy”, Inside Llewyn Davis

“Sweeter Than Fiction”, One Chance

Molly’s Pick: Let it Go

Traci’s Pick: Let It Go

Winner: Ordinary Love

M: I just said WHAAAAAT?! out loud. Okay, we all love Bono, but get a grip, Hollywood Foreign Press. He doesn’t have to win all the time.

M: Is there a reason Puff Combs Daddy Money just said “let it go, let it go, let it go” to the tune of let it snow? Just to stick it to Idina Menzel? HER YEAR HAS BEEN HARD ENOUGH.

T: The only reason U2 winning is worth it: close-up shots of Idris Elba. ::insert emoji with heart eyes::

Gratuitous Photo of Idris Elba. JK, no photo of him is gratuitous. We need this.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Josh Charles, The Good Wife

Rob Lowe, Behind the Candelabra

Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad

Corey Stoll, House Of Cards

Jon Voight, Ray Donovan

Molly’s Pick: Rob Lowe

Traci’s Pick: Aaron Paul – but Corey Stoll was SO good in House of Cards.

Winner: John Voight

T: UGH JON VOIGHT? THE GUY WHO WEARS THE EXACT SAME TUX/OUTFIT TO EVERY AWARDS SHOW? OVER AARON PAUL? And is there some kind of vacuum up at the mic where people suddenly lose their voice? Get it together, folks.

M: You may know Jon Voight from seeing talking about his beef with his daughter, Angelina Jolie, on Access Hollywood.

Also if you lick Jon Voight’s face (DON’T DO THAT) you would get botulism. So much botox in there.

T: SURPRISE: ROBERT DOWNEY JR. And he just winked and I feel like it was directly towards me.

M: Oh, I think it WAS toward you. Don’t doubt it.

Just this morning I was reading about how RDJ was possibly the secret celebrity source behind the blind item comments on CDaN and now I can’t look at him without thinking he’s the Gossip Girl of Hollywood.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

Amy Adams, American Hustle

Julie Delpy, Before Midnight

Greta Gerwig, Francis Ha

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Enough Said

Meryl Streep, August: Osage County

Molly’s pick: Meryl Streep

Traci’s pick: Meryl Streep. Because, Meryl Streep.

T: Aww J Law is just as happy for Amy Adams as she was for winning her own award! If anyone should win over Meryl, it’s Amy.

I bet T. Swift congratulated Chastain for her work in American Hustle. I understand.

M: How DARE the music cut off Amy Adams! Oh, Amy Adams totally just shut that down and told the music that it couldn’t play her out of talking about her daughter. Adorable. I love Amy Adams so much that I’m going to make myself some flashcards or something to learn how to tell her, Isla Fisher and Jessica Chastain apart. I should be better at this but evidently all skinny red-haired white ladies look the same to me.

T: The Modern Family table always looks like they had a good time at these drinking events. I’d like to sit at the table. Or the Parks and Rec table. Or the SNL-alum table/whereever Jimmy Fallon is.

M: Oooh, I’m going for Parks and Rec table, because they look like they have so much fun together. But if they put Jimmy Fallon and Seth Meyers at the same table, that might be fun. Or I guess anywhere with a clear eye-line toward Idris Elba.

T: “HEY YOUR NAME IS SOSIE – WHAT ARE YOU THE OLYMPICS?!?!?” I CANNOT. Poehler as a tiny boy is A++++. She did that in SNL a bunch, right?

M: Yeah, anytime Amy Poehler plays an under-18 is A+ and I wish there was a way to make that sound less creepy.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife

Tatiana Maslany, Orphan Black

Taylor Schilling, Orange Is The New Black

Kerry Washington, Scandal

Robin Wright, House Of Cards

Molly’s Pick: I can’t do this. I guess Tatiana Maslany, which is probably wishful thinking on my part – but if either Maslany, Schilling, or Washington wins, I will be jumping for joy.

Traci’s Pick: I think if Tatiana Maslany has a shot at winning any award it will be for this one. So I’m taking a shot and saying her. But like Molly, I will jump for joy and spill red wine all over my white trench coat if Kerry Washington wins.

Winner: Robin Wright

M: So, literally the only person I didn’t really care about? Cool.

T: Hey Robin Wright gave a shout out to the best acceptance speech giver in the world – Merritt Wever at the Emmys. I want to rewatch that a million times over and over again right now.

M: Here ya go: Agreed, best ever.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

Barkhad Abdi, Captain Phillips

Daniel Bruhl, Rush

Bradley Cooper, American Hustle

Michael Fassbender, 12 Years A Slave

Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club

Molly’s Pick: Bradley Cooper

Traci’s Pick: Jared Leto

Winner: Jared Leto

M: So, my main association with Jared Leto (other than Jordan Catelano) is when I used to read my sister’s Seventeen magazines when I was like 7, every issue contained all of these fawning pieces about Jared Leto. And I get it now, but I remember seeing him at the time and being really confused about it all. [In case you’re wondering, the rest of the magazine during that era was fashion spreads with a lot of plaid, and “Trauma-Rama” columns about girls accidentally calling their boyfriend’s mom instead of their own mom for, like, tampon problems.]

BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE

Spike Jonze, Her

Bob Nelson, Nebraska

Jeff Pope & Steve Coogan, Philomena

John Ridley, 12 Years A Slave

Eric Warren Singer & David O Russell, American Hustle

Molly’s Pick: Spike Jonze

Traci’s Pick: Spike Jonze

Winner: Spike Jonze

M: Best part of this award? Emma Thompson presenting the award with her shoes in one hand and her drink in another.

T: I don’t think I’ve ever seen Spike Jonze or I just don’t ever remember his face? How adorable is he?

M: I was expecting someone completely different. This is also the first time I’ve realized that Jonze is a sassy homophone of Jones.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

Jason Bateman, Arrested Development

Don Cheadle, House Of Lies

Michael J. Fox, The Michael J. Fox Show

Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

Andy Samberg, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Molly’s Pick: Jason Bateman

Traci’s Pick: Jim Parsons

Winner: Andy Samberg

Andy Samberg: Stunned, like the rest of us

M: THRILLED about this, as was presenter Seth Meyers, who declared it the best night ever.

T: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I LITERALLY JUST STOOD UP AND JUMPED FOR JOY. IT’S LIKE THE BEST FLUKE EVER! LORNE MICHAELS IS STILL STOIC BUT SUCH A PROUD DAD AHHH HE THANKED AKIVA AND JORMA TOO!! THE TINA/AMY PARTY IS GOING TO BE OFF THE HOOK TONIGHT. We just need Amy to win now and all will be right with the world.

M: I just flapped my hands. Jeeeeez. Also, Joanna Newsom looks super super pretty and I assume she has a lute or air-harp or gnome hidden in her dress.

M: This is sort of apropos of nothing, but this is by far the best picture to emerge from the night so far:

M: They just announced the best foreign language film and all I know is that it’s not the French one with the lesbians.

I LOVE that Julia Louis-Dreyfus is always up for an awards show bit (eg: pretending to ignore Tina and Amy while eating a hot dog with the works).

T: Also not wearing a tie: Idris Elba. Also who should just do away with everything else and strip down naked: Idris Elba.

M: No, I really think Idris Elba can wear a tie. [Just a tie.] [Actually that would be weird. So, either nothing or like, normal clothes.]

T: Emma Watson, the classiest Gryffindor broad this side of the pond. *cue P Diddy Dirty Money’s Let it Flowwww song*

M: Ugh is THAT what Diddy Daddy was trying to do earlier?

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

THE CROODS

DESPICABLE ME 2

FROZEN

Molly’s Pick: Frozen. Just like to point out that this is the only category while I’ve seen all the nominees.

Traci’s Pick: Frozen

Winner: Frozen

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

Zooey Deschanel, New Girl

Lena Dunham, Girls

Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Amy Poehler, Parks & Recreation

Molly’s Pick: Amy Poehler. Please?

Traci’s Pick: Amy Poehler. If I put it out in the universe enough it will eventually happen.

Winner: Amy Poehler (!!!!!)

M: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! Just like to point out that Poehler has been a comedy Susan Lucci. I mean, I’m sure Susan Lucci is very funny. Mostly physical comedy.

Tears sprang into my eyes when they showed the rest of the Parks cast.

T: I AM LIT’RALLY CRYING. TEARS ARE COMING OUT OF MY EYE HOLES. AND YES THE CAST IS SO SO PROUD OF HER AND I JUST LOVE HER SO MUCH IT’S AS IF MY FRIEND JUST WON IS THAT WEIRD? I CAN’T STOP THE CAPS LOCK GUYS. I CAN’T STOP IT. SLASH I NEED TO FIND OUT WHERE THIS AFTER PARTY IS BECAUSE IT IS GOING TO BE RAGINNNNN

M: I’m like, leaving to go get a tissue-level crying.

M: Oh my god, was Tina’s comment that there was “a special place in hell” for Amy a throwback to T.Swift’s dumb comment about Amy and Tina? ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

Diane Keaton has sort of started to look like the Barbie Doll tribute version of herself.

NBC. Take a chill pill. They started cutting off the audio when Keaton said “God Damn” and kept going for about a minute. But they brought the audio back for a creep-tastic rendition of “Make New Friends.” Lucky… us?

By the way, Traci had to restart her computer but texted that she knew I was commenting on the creepy song. So, Cookies + Sangria Bi-Coastal Consensus: that shit was creepy.

She also told me that Taran Killam tweeted about the best score guy and Mokiki, so Taran, it’s cool that you read our blog.

Yes it's true. Alex Ebert is the real life inspiration for Mokiki's hair. True story. No joke.

— Taran Killam (@TaranKillam) January 13, 2014

BEST DIRECTOR – MOTION PICTURE

Alfonso Cuaron, Gravity

Paul Greengrass, Captain Phillips

Steve McQueen, 12 Years A Slave

Alexander Payne, Nebraska

David O. Russell, American Hustle

Molly’s Pick: Steve McQueen

Traci’s Pick: Steve McQueen

Winner: Gravity

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

THE BIG BANG THEORY (CBS)

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE (Fox)

GIRLS (HBO)

MODERN FAMILY (ABC)

PARKS & RECREATION (NBC)

Molly’s Pick: Parks (should win); Modern Family or Girls (will win)

Traci’s Pick: Girls

Winner: Brooklyn Nine-Nine

T: OH MY GOD BROOKLYN NINE-NINE?!?!?! IS THIS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?!?! MIKE SCHUR! CHELSEA PERETTI LOOKS SO PRETTY. This is just too much. I cannot handle this.

M: Everything is amazing right now. This is one of those dorky moments where I remember watching Chelsea Peretti on YouTube sketch comedy when I was in college, like 7 years ago and nobody had ever heard of her, and I just feel so happy for her right now.

By the way, Brooklyn Nine-Nine is really good and you should all watch it. I just didn’t pick it because I didn’t think it had a chance.

M: I just figured out what J.Law’s dress reminds me of. It’s those dolls you’d make by folding over a bunch of yarn then tying it in bunches around the waist and butt.

But don’t worry, the internet is ON IT like a bonnet:

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

Christian Bale, American Hustle

Bruce Dern, Nebraska

Leonardo DiCaprio, The Wolf Of Wall Street

Oscar Isaac, Inside Llewyn Davis

Joaquin Phoenix, Her

Molly’s Pick: Leonardo DiCaprio. But I’ve heard enough things that happen in Wolf of Wall Street to emphatically NOT want to see it, and apparently it’s a comedy, too?

Traci’s Pick: I feel like Bruce Dern might take this one. Just like Kate Winslet, my heart lies with Leo.

Winner: Leonardo DiCaprio

T: I am standing and clapping for Leo. The one year Kate’s at home tending to her new kid, she’s not here to witness Leo winning. Also could this finally be the year the Oscars recognize Leo?

M: Fittingly, the celebrities who are responsible for about 50% of our blog traffic (Leo DiCaprio and Amy Poehler) have won (but they were winners in our hearts already). /plug/ By the way, have you seen our Leo and Amy posts? /plug/

M: SHOW US KATE JEEZ. Wait, is she there?

T: Sadly I don’t think so. Better things to do, like hang out with a baby. Her baby, not just any baby.

T: PS Sosie Bacon is NOT kidding around on this stage. She is hustlin.

M: Sosie Bacon is proving that she may have gotten this gig through nepotism, but she’s keeping it by handing out those damn trophies promptly and properly.

Also, re: Kate Winslet: I think my favorite thing about her, recently, is that she named her baby Bear, like the animal, and then when asked if she’d give him the surname RocknRoll she was like “no, because I’m a fucking grownup.”

BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

AMERICAN HUSTLE

HER

INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS

NEBRASKA

THE WOLF OF WALL STREET

Molly’s Pick: American Hustle. Or maybe not, because I didn’t realize it was a musical or comedy and I watched the whole thing.
Traci’s Pick: American Hustle

Winner: American Hustle

T: I’m going to be honest with y’all. I liked American Hustle. I did. But did I think it was great? Meh.

M: As I said, I didn’t even realize it was a comedy. I really enjoyed it, but if we’re ranking David O. Russell, Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence flicks, it’s got to be Silver Linings Playbook.

M: Tina Fey: LIKE A SUPERMODEL’S VAGINA, LET’S ALL GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO LEONARDO DICAPRIO. [Then the censors had a tizzy and made the show silent for about 3 seconds. Suck it, NBC.]

T: Me, reacting to that Leo/supermodel zing:

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine

Sandra Bullock, Gravity

Judi Dench, Philomena

Emma Thompson, Saving Mr Banks

Kate Winslet, Labor Day

Molly’s pick: Kate Winslet??? Or statistically, probably an established, well-respected British dramatic actress?

Traci’s pick: Sandra Bullock – but my heart lies with Kate. Forever.

Winner: Cate Blanchett

My heart got all tingly when he said Kate’s name… and again when he said ‘CATE’… Blanchett. What a tease.

M: Me too! Is it just me, or did he say it with a special fondness (for Winslet) but just kind of normal (for Blanchett)?

T: Oh he DEFINITELY did. It was like, you guys know who I really want to name the winner, wink wink. #JackAndRoseForever

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

Chiwetel Ejiofor, 12 Years A Slave

Idris Elba, Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom

Tom Hanks, Captain Phillips

Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club

Robert Redford, All Is Lost

Molly’s pick: Chiwetel Ejiofor, because he was incredible and because I haven’t seen any of those other movies yet.

Traci’s Pick: Super tough category and I haven’t seen any of these films. I’m thinking Chiwetel Ejiofor, but the HFPA might go with a classic like Tom or Robert. So I’ll say my official answer is Matthew McConaughey.

Winner: Matthew McConaughey

T: Alright Alright Alright. Looks like my (nonsense) theory worked.

M: No. – Me, out loud, when Matt McC literally SAYS “alright alright alright.” And I wouldn’t doubt that theory, Traci. I’m using that for the Oscars.

T: Not related, but I’m obsessed with this gif of Kerry Washington.

M: McConaughey is like an SNL parody of himself. OH MY. Not related at all but did you see the back of Emma Watson’s “dress?”

IT’S AN ILLUSION.

T: Did anyone else catch that tender moment during the outro of Seth congratulating Amy??? My heart is exploding with happiness for her. STILL!

T: I stand by this statement: I do not get Johnny Depp. I do not think he is hot. Do not get his appeal. Do not get his faux French/British accent.

M: I have a theory that Johnny Depp is permanently stuck in a time warp from about 1995 – 1998. He doesn’t look like he, himself did during that time, but he always looks like a guy you’d see in 1997.

Best Motion Picture, Drama

12 YEARS A SLAVE

CAPTAIN PHILLIPS

GRAVITY

PHILOMENA

RUSH

Molly’s Pick: 12 Years a Slave

Traci’s Pick: 12 Years a Slave

Winner: 12 Years a Slave

T: I love that half the ballroom is standing up for them. TBH, I haven’t seen this movie. Oops. It’s on my list. don’t worry. He just called Sarah Paulson the Bette Davis of America. Yes.

M: I mean as long as you see it before the Oscars you’re good. Sarah Paulson looks like Galinda?

T: Well, folks, and like that another Golden Globes is over. Let it be known that this show should have just been called the 71st Annual Lee Daniels’ Tina Fey Holy Crap Amy Poehler and Andy Samberg Won Awards Awards.

Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

3Jan2014

Best of C+S 2013: Liveblogging SHARKNADO!

Posted in ICYMI: The Best of Posts You Might Have Missed, Live Blogs by Cookies + Sangria

Well, here it is folks. The very last day of our Best of series. Thanks again for sticking with us on our very first year of blogging! And in the event you forgot about this groundbreaking movie that premiered over the summer, we’re here to bring it back to life. There is going to be a sequel, after all.

We can’t say it enough, but again, thank you for reading, and here’s to a fantastic 2014!

~~~

Live Blog: SHARKNADO!

{originally posted july 15th}

I want to apologize if it looked like I was yelling at you in the title, but I really see no other way to type SHARKNADO other than in all caps.

Alright, you may have heard about this so bad it’s good (or so bad it’s bad) movie that debuted on the SyFy channel last week. Nearly 1.4 million people tuned in to find out what kind of havoc SHARKNADO can possibly create. So many people were talking about it on Twitter (which is why it inspired me to do this very post) that it generated more tweets than that controversial *NO SPOILERS* Red Wedding episode of Game of Thrones a few weeks ago. AND there’s also talk about a sequel. What next, SHARKSUNAMI? I didn’t really know much about the movie before previewing approx 10 minutes of it, but I gathered that by the title alone, (and the poster) it was about a tornado full of sharks. I was right.

Does anyone remember Sharktopus that was on SyFy a few years ago? (Again, it’s exactly what it sounds like) I figured that SHARKNADO was in the same vein, so basically ridiculousness at its finest. Fun fact: the lead character that is not Eric Roberts went to my college and we had a marketing class together. If I had known he was going to be in Sharktopus… I still wouldn’t have talked to him. Alright folks, here we go! And obviously, spoiler alert.

The movie starts off literally with a tornado of sharks over the ocean. like the tagline says, “Enough said.”

Apparently we’re getting a brief preface before the “real” action happens. 20 miles off Mexico in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, there is hardass Captain who has caught a bunch of sharks and cut off their fins. He’s trying to sell them off to an Asian man who is going to use them for shark fin soup. Contrary to the fact that I am Asian, I honestly would never have known that this is a thing that a lot of Chinese restaurants sell. Like they literally cut off the shark fins, let the sharks die, and then stick the fins in some soup. Why do I know this? Because Kyle Chandler was on Ellen talking about how his daughter is on a crusade to stop Chinese restaurants in Texas from selling said soup. Coach is still teaching us life lessons, y’all. But is this supposed to be like a subliminal message telling us shark finning is bad? Is this movie sponsored by Oceana? Because it’s working.

Legitimate question – are there really this many sharks off the coast of Mexico? Why is there a dense population of sharks there? Because if so, remind me to never go there while out on my ~~shark finning~~ scuba diving crusades.

The hardass Captain in the middle of the stormy ocean gets enveloped by the SHARKNADO, then immediately cuts to a sunny shot of the Santa Monica pier and Tara Reid’s name in the credits. THE MOST JARRING SCENE CHANGE EVER.

Also, this takes place in Los Angeles?!? GREAT. Good thing I live far enough away from the water to immediately get attacked by sharks. And Ian Ziering.

Speaking of Ian Ziering, he owns a bar right at the end of the Santa Monica pier called Fin, and the locals are watching the news, where they report that a storm’s a brewin and its name is Hurricane David…. And the guy at the bar who just grabbed the butt of the ‘sexy’ waitress looks oddly familiar. OH IT’S BECAUSE HE’S THE DAD FROM HOME ALONE. And unfortunately, the creepy guy character actually suits him.

Meanwhile, Ian is out surfing when the girl he’s flirting with suddenly gets eaten by a shark. He’s legit yelling, “SHARKS, GET OUT OF THE WATER! SHARKS!” to everyone on the beach yet no one is listening to him. These bitches are being eaten left and right. You really should’ve listened to Steve Sanders when you had the chance.

HOLD UP. IAN ZIERING’S NAME IN THIS MOVIE IS FIN? HAHAHAHAHAHA

The TV reporter says, “Global warming is DEFINITELY the cause of this event.” Again, is there an underlying message here SyFy? They’re all, “Yes, save the sharks but also, remember that global warming is really a thing.” Is Al Gore the secret exec producer on this?

And Tara Reid makes her first appearance. God, I don’t think I’ve seen her in anything since Josie and the Pussycats. Nope, I’ve seen American Reunion. Let’s just say Josie and the Pussycats because what a gem of a movie that is.

A huge wave engulfs the Santa Monica pier and suddenly the ‘sexy’ waitress, whose name is NOVA has a gun. Like one of those big guns that’s bigger than a rifle. I’m not a gun affeciando, so trust on this. But where did she find a gun on the pier?? The only thing you would find washed up on the pier frreal would be caricatures of tourists from Wisconsin and maybe that huge snake that one homeless guy lets people pet for free.

Oh great the ferris wheel detached from the pier and is rolling directly down the road, because if sharks flying through the air weren’t enough, here’s a ton of metal about to land on your person.

Ian/Steve/Fin, along with Grabby Mr. McAllister, Nova, and Fin’s Australian BFF (who was bit by a shark earlier but managed to survive), get in his Jeep wrangler and head for Beverly Hills so Fin can check on his ex-wife and daughter. However it’s now raining and the water falling on this car is so incredibly fake that it looks like they’re going through a $1 car wash.

They decide to take the 405, but there’s traffic. Surprise surprise. It’s even worse when there’s a sea of sharks on the freeway. SHARKMAGEDDON, AMIRITE L.A.??

Grabby McAllister is clearly wasted because he spends his days at Fin’s bar, so when they reach a point on the 405 where they can’t go any farther and can see a wave of sharks is about to come at them, Fin tries to help the stranded drivers run to safety (?). However Grabby McAllister mumbles, “There are sharks out there. You don’t have to go out there. There’s no reason to go out there!” And suddenly he’s the only person that makes sense.

Ok so Nova has a gun, but Grabby McAllister had to bring his beloved stool from the bar and use it as a weapon?? He helps a woman whose dog is trapped in her car (which doesn’t make sense, because why would she lock her dog in the car without taking her keys) by shattering the glass with his bar stool. Woman and her beloved dog make it out, but Grabs McAllister doesn’t have the same luck – a shark comes flying at him and another one bites the dust.

Another question – Fin and the gang see a huge wave come over the freeway, but somehow, the water isn’t going down the ramp they’re on. This doesn’t make sense. I know I’m trying to find logic in a movie called SHARKNADO, but still!

They finally make it to Tara Reid’s house in BH, but she won’t let them in because she doesn’t believe that sharks are taking over the city. All of a sudden, a shark shoots up through a sewer and Nova just shoots it like a clay pigeon. Tara Reid finally believes their warning.

Good lord the acting on this… is … incomparable. The only thing worse is the writing. And the CGI. And Tara Reid’s face.

this is my ‘concerned for our lives bc sharks are flying from the sky’ face

Water floods into Tara Reid’s house and into the foyer, leaving the gang plus Tara and Fin’s daughter stuck on the stairs. Oh, Tara had an asshole boyfriend who Fin tried to help but got eaten by a shark circling the foyer waters.

They decide they need to go get their son, Matt, who is in flight school in Van Nuys, which is in the valley near me, where obviously the sharks can’t reach us. And is there really a flight school in Van Nuys?

Explain to me how their entire foyer became a pool of bloody water but they all escaped without letting any water out or being covered in bloody water. And also explain how their entire home just fell to bits, but the house next to it looks fine.

Just remembered that Nova has a scar on her upper leg, which makes me think she’s been in a similar shark situation before, and will probably come up later in the movie in some fascinating revelation.

Tara Reid just picked up her purse and told Siri to call Matt. HOW DO YOU HAVE YOUR PURSE ON YOUR PERSON RIGHT NOW.

On their way to Van Nuys, they see a school bus, and Fin wants to stop and see if they need help. But Tara exclaims, “You care more about other people than you do your family!” AH HA! A protagonist flaw that will most likely be resolved by the end of the movie!

“The water’s rising, I’m gonna go up to the bridge and repel down.” – Fin. Again, How do you have these random tools handy?? Fin’s response: “Semper Paratus” which means “Always Prepared” in Latin. Uh okay. But luckily he manages to save a bus full of 20 kids by repelling each of them up by a pulley system, including the bus driver who is clearly over this shit because he tells Fin he moved to L.A. to become an actor, and he did not see this the way his life would end.

The wind from the hurricane has caused the Hollywood sign letters to fly off the mountain and are heading directly towards them. Yeah, the bus driver/actor is def going to die by these letters. “My mom always told me Hollywood would kill me.” – Bus driver’s last words before a huge chunk of metal, presumably an O, pretty much slices him in half. Again, sharks aren’t the only thing that can kill you during a SHARKNADO.

A overhead shot flies over downtown Los Angeles, and you can randomly see sharks flipping about on helicopter pads on roofs. Foreshadowing?

Annndd their car blew up from all the flooding, or maybe it was the shark that literally blew through the roof of their car (see, foreshadowing!) but Nova killed it off with her gun.

They finally reach Van Nuys where Matt’s flight school is, and also conveniently located next to a movie prop warehouse specializing in cars. Naturally, they steal a Hummer. A Hummer with a “Nitrous” button. Is that even a real thing?

The gang finds Matt who looks extremely familiar yet again. And I realize that I recognize him as jock Van Dyke on the short-lived Jonas show on the Disney Channel. I would be embarassed by this but I have no shame. Incidentally, he was also in the new version of 90210 as well as American Reunion.

Jonas wasn’t a period piece.

The SHARKNADO comes to Van Nuys (!) and they hide in a mini bunker, but there’s no real door so Fin has to hold a scrap piece of metal to protect them… I find it hard to believe they would survive high winds like that, when Matt’s flight school teacher legit just got sucked up through the ceiling of the hanger and into the SHARKNADO.

They find a helicopter outside that was definitely not there before, and there are too many people for them to all get out of the city via chopper, not to mention the fact that it’s probably not ideal to fly during tornado/hurricane conditions. So Fin says, “We’re gonna stand and fight!”

Van Nuys just happens to have everything they need, because they find a surplus store with chainsaws and tools to make bombs…With chainsaws and bombs apparently.

The surplus store is where everyone’s feelings and emotions come out, because Fin and his daughter have a forced touching moment between each other that makes me yearn for the corny Danny Tanner talks with his girls.

Nova is finally revealing the story behind the mysterious scar to Matt. Like expected, she tells some sob story about how when she was a kid, she went out in the water with her grandfather when she was attacked on the leg, but her grandfather and the five other people on the boat died because of the sharks. “I really hate sharks.”

Let me get this straight these people are going to single handedly equalize the tornado by throwing bombs into it and also kill the sharks? I don’t know whether this is based on science or another made up thing by the SyFy channel.

Fin is literally just shooting at the sharks with a shotgun. Straight up pointing it up in the air to the flying sharks coming out of the SHARKNADO and killing them with a shotgun.

So that bomb thing worked. Is this something we should train or military to do in the future in the event something like this actually happens?

Fin just sliced an incoming shark with a saw. He held up the saw like Rafiki in The Lion King and the shark split in half.

Next to the flight school is a retirement home, and the old folks are outside in the pool. Do they not see what kind of shit is going down next door?

Ugh just realized how big of a cleanup this will be for the city of Los Angeles. Then realized this is a movie, not real life. Yet.

Matt’s flight school friend has his arm bit off by a shark, and if that isn’t bad enough, when he falls over and dies, another shark falls from the sky and lands on top of him. I cannot help but laugh at this.

Meanwhile, Matt and Nova are still up in the helicopter hovering near the SHARKNADO gearing up to throw the homemade bombs into the cyclone. On her last bomb, Nova gets caught by a shark, she falls out of the helicopter, and it eventually eats her. RIP. Matt’s obviously in shock, so he has some struggs landing the chopper, much to Fin’s distress.

Fin decides to take matters into his own hands to kill the last SHARKNADO. He takes out the Hummer that Aussie BFF (who also got attacked by a flying shark and died) loaded with bombs, and drives it up to the hills (For the record, the geography of this movie isn’t making sense, because there are no hills in Van Nuys and it’s bothering me). Fin has perfect timing as he drives to the top of the windy hill, as the SHARKNADO hovers right next to it. He lights the bombs in the car, presses the NITROUS BUTTON, jumps out, and the Hummer flies into the SHARKNADO, making the last one dissipate. Except for the fact that hundreds of dead sharks are now falling from the sky and into the LA streets.

OH MY GOD I LITERALLY HAVEN’T TYPED FOR LIKE THE LAST 10 MINUTES OF THE MOVIE BECAUSE IT WAS ACTUALLY SUSPENSEFUL AND WTF HAHAHAHA

Ok, I’ve regained consciousness. Here’s what just happened: THE SHARK EATS HIM WHILE HE’S HOLDING THE CHAINSAW, BUT HE CUTS HIS WAY OUT USING SAID CHAINSAW IN THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE (I IMAGINE CHILDBIRTH TO LOOK LIKE THIS). BUT THEN: FIN PULLS NOVA OUT OF THE SHARK’S STOMACH BECAUSE OF COURSE OUT OF ALL THE SHARKS THIS IS THE SAME ONE THAT ATE HER.

Matt tries to give Nova CPR, and it works. Her first words are “I really hate sharks,” as she flashes her perfect fake eyelashes.

Tara Reid literally wipes the blood off Fin’s mouth kisses him. If you didn’t feel like vomiting before… you will now.

This is how they end the entire movie: TOUCHE, SHARKNADO FILM MAKERS. TOUCHE.

Favorite quotes:

“Don’t you ever make fun of my stool again.” Grabby McAllister
“What the hell, there are sharks in the street!” Nova, the sharpest tool in the shed
“That’s a tiger shark.” Nova “How do you know that?” Fin “Shark week?” Nova, educated broad
“It’s just a little wahtah (water), typical California is afraid of the rain?!” guy on the 405 who may be from Boston but it’s hard to tell with his horrible accent.
“Looks like it’s that time of the month.” – Aussie BFF after Tara Reid’s BF is killed in the bloody waters in her house’s foyer
“Take the 10 to the 405 and you’re in Beverly Hills” – Grabby McAllister doing his best Californians impression

5Dec2013

‘The Sound of Music Live!’ Live Blog

Posted in Entertainment, Live Blogs by Molly

I’m having a real Jessie Spano moment right now: I’m so excited, but I’m also so scared. Tonight, Carrie Underwood will be starring as Maria in The Sound of Music Live!, and like life itself, it has the potential to be either so wonderful or so very, very awful.

So, as we do with all televised events that hold the potential for disaster, we’ll be posting a Cookies + Sangria live blog! Come back tonight at 8:00 EST – it’ll be just like watching The Sound of Music with your friend who really loves cheesy musicals but also can’t help but make fun of things. We’ll see you then!

A Few Ground Rules:

With our current WordPress setup, we can’t have our comments show up in real time, so we will be periodically updating the page — probably during commercial breaks. Please refresh the page to see new comments!
We really like musicals, so if you do, too, you’re in a safe place. And if you don’t … well, let me tell you a little story. When I was a kid, and the Bills were in the Super Bowl (you can stop laughing… I’ll wait…) a neighbor brought his friend to our house – a friend who was rooting for the Dallas Cowboys. It wasn’t pretty. The whole thing culminated in my dad standing up and shouting “You’re in MY HOUSE and when you’re in MY HOUSE you do things MY WAY!” So, just be advised that you’re in our (blog) house, and it’s a house that likes a good Rodgers & Hammerstein. Also, that I come from a line of people who throw adult temper tantrums, apparently.
You can sing along! We can’t hear you, anyway. But extra points if you say the phrase “sound of music” in the style of Chandler Bing:

0:02 AUDRA. When we were discussing this on email, Traci mentioned how nervous she was that Carrie Underwood would slip up (because we love Carrie Underwood). Basically, we want Audra to take all of the parts – just, really Orphan Black it. In the alternative, Tatiana Maslany’s probably up to the task.

0:03 While we do looove musicals, listening to a bunch of nuns sing church songs wasn’t that (read: any) fun back in Catholic school, and it isn’t fun now. Let’s solve that problem like Maria already.

0:04 WOW. Anyone else really thrown off by Carrie Underwood singing in a musical theater voice? She doesn’t sound bad, it’s just kind of throaty. I just hope throaty doesn’t turn … Kermit-y. Hate when that happens.

0:06 Is Maria a postulate or a French maid? Because with this costume, I’m not so sure…

0:08: All of these “problems” with Maria would just be “adorkable” qualities in modern sitcoms. Manic Pixie Dream Postulate?

0:08: T: “Maria, Maria RRRrrrainer” oh my GOD, could you BE any more from Oklahoma?

0:09 Just so we’re clear, all of these nuns are straight-up describing girl crushes on Maria. It’s Carrie Underwood, so I understand, but I guess it just goes to show that some of those nun rumors were true?

0:11 Nope, the phrase “on my knees all night” never doesn’t sound dirty.

Also, Underwood’s stilted musical theater dialogue delivery reminds me of every bad musical I was ever in. And also kind of that Vanessa Bayer character:

The “Star of Tomorrow”? Anyone?

0:13 Carrie’s kind of bringing it with Favorite Things, though. But just when the blocking starts to feel really high school musical-y, Audra’s here to save the day.

0:18 Sorry for the pause but there was a lot of ACTING going on there. When I was a kid, and really into acting, I remember going to my sister’s high school plays and wondering why everyone said their LINES like THIS! Then I learned that they mostly couldn’t act. That’s what this production is sounding like so far.

However — this part of the movie was always really boring to me, too. I have high hopes and I bet Underwood will have great chemistry with the kids and with Stephen Moyer’s cheekbones.

Commercial Break: If you were wondering, here is Carrie Underwood as Maria von Trapp:

And HERE is Swiss Miss, of cocoa packaging fame:

It’s just not the same without Julie Andrews’ Dorothy Hammill haircut.

0:28 Let’s hear it for this soundstage! Or whatever they’re filming this on. I’m serious. It’s great now that they’re indoors. Those mountains and trees were a little depressing. It looked like that one Full House episode when they take a donkey up a mountain.

0:29 There were so many pauses in dialog that I thought someone had forgotten a line.

0:31 Freidrich is kind of adorable? The older girls are coiffed like those dead Romanov princesses:

Once upon a December…

0:35 This has always bothered me about Do-Re-Mi. What sort of dumb-dumb would think teaching a kid how to sing with nonsense syllables is really the best way? Brigitta knows what I’m talkin’ about.

0:37 I don’t care what that one bratty girl says, I think the shirtdress is really working for Underwood.

0:37 T: Carrie needs to practice running while singing more. Breath control is real, y’all.

0:38 Whoever was in charge of the outdoor backdrop clearly blew up the image that’s your great-aunt’s screensaver on her PC. Props to the lighting person, though. Maybe we should get him/her out there to do some acting.

0:39 I cannot with this cheery happy family they have in this ad. We’ve already talked about how the Duggars and Quiver-fillers are secretly creepy, remember.

0:43 Sometimes weird things that are just… not right make me want to throw up. I know it sounds odd, but for instance, there’s this one crosswalk where I get off of my bus, and pressing the button does NOTHING to make the light turn faster. There’s this one guy who presses it constantly, for minutes on end, til it turns. It makes me want to vomit. It’s like he’s trying so hard but is doing a terrible job.

Anyway. That’s how I feel about this outdoor set.

0:45 The way I get through Sixteen Going On Seventeen is pretending that the entire song is totally tongue-in-cheek from both characters’ perspectives.

0:46 Where the gazebo at though?

0:48 A teenaged boy wearing short-pants/hosen in a musical is only hot in Spring Awakening

0:49 DO IT ON THE HILL RIGHT THERE ON THE HILL

0:50 No just kidding nobody’s doing anything on the hill because (a) this isn’t Spring Awakening and (b) Liesl just sang an entire song disavowing her sexual agency

0:51 Why is Maria wearing Felicity Merriman’s nightclothes?

0:54 I think they’re about to launch into My Favorite Things and will somebody please explain me why that’s a Christmas song now? Is it because they say presents that ONE TIME? Because I also get presents at birthdays and graduations and stuff but nobody sings me My Favorite Things then.

0:56 Nope. Lonely Goatherd. Underwood is the least wooden I’ve seen her so far! She actually seems really natural here.

0:57 Ahh the little girl’s yodel-voice is the cutest! Gretl? Brigitta? Tiny, looks like Kirsten Larson? Not sorry for the American Girls Collection references.

Commercial Break: I should mention that Traci might be popping in, but she isn’t here tonight because, well first of all it’s 6pm where she is and she’s working, but also she’s seeing Jimmy Fallon tonight because she lives in LA where that can happen. I live in Rochester, where sometimes your car doesn’t start because it’s cold.

1:04 Stephen Moyer why do you always look like you have to poop really badly?

1:06 Anyone else fill in “damn hell ass kings!” anytime somebody says the phrase “live like a king?”

1:07 We’ve talked about bitchy resting face and how sometimes that is just how your face is, and I think that maybe is the thing with Moyer? See?

1:09 Millionaires with dreams make the WORST musical characters. Yeah, I see you, Daddy Warbucks.

1:13 Guys if I tried to wear a curtain dress I’d be wearing naked because I’m too broke for curtains right now.

1:15 Oh, Frau Schrader. You look like a straight-up fraulein with that sassy hair do.

1:16 I FIGURED IT OUT. Moyer is doing Joey Tribbiani’s patented “Smell the fart acting.”

1:24 See, I usually think they just do dance breaks like this in musical theatre when they’re changing the sets or an actor has a costume change. I don’t know why they’re doing it now.

1:26 There are so many whimsical braided hairdos in this movie that I feel like it was filmed inside of a hipster girl’s tumblr.

1:28 Do you think Maria’s friends are ever all “girl, do you have to wear a dirndl EVERY DAMN DAY!”?

1:31 Maria’s mad that she’s getting moved off of the kids’ table? Kids’ table is the best. I get it.

1:32 The little girl who’s not Brigitta or Gretl (…I’m blanking) is giving off some serious young Dakota Fanning vibes.

1:33 I love So Long, Farewell. If any of you have ever studied abroad, you’ve found two things: (1) that kids speaking foreign languages are ADORABLE, and (2) you know, yourself, probably.

1:35 Related sidenote: my 3-yr-old nephew says goodnight in a bunch of languages, but he always does guten nacht in an angry German scream-voice. It’s precious.

Commercial Break: Did Jewel get her teeth fixed? And isn’t it so weird when you see people outside of their usual context, like your high school teachers at the mall or Jewel in … not 1997?

1:40 T: Hey guys – Traci here! sorry I’ve been absent – I’m still at work and legit avoiding it right now to do this, so I mean, I’m a star employee. I don’t watch True Blood, but just knowing that he’s a vampire and now playing captain von Trapp is disturbing. wait, he’s a vampire right?(M: Clearly neither of us watches True Blood. Also I’ll add a T before Traci’s posts so you guys can like… picture this, or whatever)

1: 43 T: Fun Fact: I’ve seen Carrie in concert 4 times in concert and i cry every time. EVERY TIME. watching her sing Sound of Music is no different. She’s just that good, folks. She’s just that good.

Fun Fact #2: I played an Asian Sister Margaretta in my church’s production of SoM in like 2001 (honestly can’t remember what year it was). Playing an Asian Sister Margaretta is surprisingly the same as playing White Sister Margaretta. I imagine Audra had this same thought.

1:44 Oh Maria, to ask for the Captain’s heart would be wrong but you can totally come on to Liesl? Yeah, I saw. We all saw.

1:47 It’s like Audra’s face is acting double-time to make up for all of the other non-acting in this production

1:48 T: Also, it’s worth nothing that apparently NBC execs decide to cast former actors from their cancelled shows in live TV musicals. RIP Go On.

Commercial Break: T:

Christian Borle was totally channeling Tim Curry’s Rooster from Annie:

Commercial Break throwback commentary: T: AHH I forgot about how can love survive. It’s finally beginning to feel like a true musical with Christian and Laura. Although that sound you hear is a bunch of SoM movie fans switching the channel to the X Factor because they don’t recognize this song. JK… No one’s switching to X Factor.

1:53 T: Re the first Lonely Goatherd: Umm how comfy does that bed look right now? #things27yearoldsstillatworksaywhilewatchingsoundofmusiclive

1:56 So, I just IMDB’d the kids, and one of them is named Peyton Ella. That’s like, clearly a made-up name, right? It sounds like my/every professional adult’s name on Facebook, because you don’t want your boss to find you. Peyton Ella, you can use your last name. Your future bosses probably aren’t watching.

1:57 T: Per the SoM behind the scenes special I watched by accident last week, the girl who plays Liesl is a junior in college studying like art and some foreign language as a minor… Basically not theater. this is how you do it, kids.

M: “Accidentally?” Girl… okay.

1:59 T: I’ve always wondered why these folks have British accents despite the fact they live in Austria. Am I missing something here?

2:00 T: WAIT. Did Carrie just come back (forward?) from the 1960s? Like did she come in from the set of Catch Me if You Can??

M: As reader Christopher just noted, it looks like polyester.

Commercial Break: T: Also, It’s 7:00pm here, which is the time I usually watch #Scandal at work because I’m a freak and like to live tweet and also watch Parenthood at 10pm PST (because I’m insane).. ANYWAYS – I’’m skipping Scandal to watch Carrie’s bad acting/excellent singing. The struggle is real.
M: I KNOW. Shit’s getting real this week. AND I’m manning Twitter. I’m doing this for you, Underwood.

2:06 M: You know, if you lived in a world where you’d never seen Sound of Music, and therefore didn’t just accept it as normal, would it seem really really weird that everyone’s all “La la la, goatherds! Do Re Mi, Curtain Dresses!” AND THEN THE NAZIS COME?!

… and the fine folks behind Sound of Music are just all:

2:10 T: WERK LAURA BENANTI. WERK. She looks perfect!!!

2:11 M: There’s no reason to dislike Frau Schrader EXACTLY, but auf wiedersehen!

2:15 M: Now we’re setting up the mother Abbess and BRIGITTA?

2:16 T: For the record, Something Good is my favorite song from this show. I feel like it’s often overlooked and Carrie does a beautiful job with it. Julie would be proud.

2:16 M: Agreed! It’s so pretty and Carrie sounds great. But why does she look like Alice in Wonderland…? This wig is killing me.

2:17 T: WHOA. WHOA. WAS THERE TONGUE IN THAT KISS?? THIS IS TELEVISION THERE ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE TONGUE. I’M OFFENDED (unless there wasn’t tongue, in which case, kudos for making it look real and uncomfy)

2:19 M: This wedding dress looks like it was made either in a high school home ec class (or whatever fake-sounding thing they call home ec now), or in a 10-minute challenge on Project Runway where they had to use table cloths.

2:25 M: Oh no… when you hear “1938” and “new flag” within a minute, you know shit’s getting bad. By the way, that Nazi was wearing a red geometric-patterned tie that looked like my dad’s work clothes in the early 90s.

2:28 T: Huh. It’s been a while since I’ve seen a Nazi on live TV. Refreshing? Nah.

2:29 T: I’m pretty sure Carrie just broke the 4th wall. This isn’t American Idol.

2:31: M: Oh God. “Love isn’t love until you give it away” sounds like a terrible abstinence-only education slogan. Or, like… maybe the opposite of that? Also, the real adventure begins when you belong to your husband? I’m clearly more of a millennial/ feminist/ curmudgeon than Rodgers & Hammerstein could have possibly envisioned in their audience…

I’m shocked too, Li. I’m shocked too.

2:37 M: SING THE NAZIS AWAY. Why didn’t the allied forces ever think of that?

2:38 T: Oh, so the Nazi stadium is where they’ve been hiding the live audience this entire time!!

2:43 M: Eidelweiss is reminding me that I once read this blog where these American parents were living in like Austria or Germany, and they had to petition the government to name their daughter Eidelweiss. So, I mean, I’m sure your daughter will really appreciate how you stuck it to the man so that you could name her Eidelweiss.

2:43 M: How much did NBC spend on this wig that’s making Underwood look like a live-action, adult version of the Sleeping Beauty cartoon?

2:43 M: Silly Nazis. The von Traps are halfway across the Alps by now. In their… you know… leiderhosen. I hope they brought warm clothes.

2:55 M: Yep, crouching down behind fountains is always the BEST WAY to hide from Nazis.

2:57 M: When I was in second grade, I thought it would be fun to be a nun because they got to live with all of their friends. Obviously I just wanted to live in a dorm eventually, and then die alone and unmarried. But anyway, the SoM nuns DO make it look kind of fun.

2:58 There are leaves on the trees and it’s snowing. Although… again, Rochester here. My hair freezes if I go outside at the wrong time.

2:59 The most animated I’ve seen everyone is in the rehearsal footage they showed over the credits. The heck?

3:00 Our friend Tori, via Facebook: “I love Carrie Underwood but that girl is just a single threat.”

Well, that’s all folks. Thanks for tuning in! I will say that as much as we snarked on it, I still do love a good musical. And, say what I will about her acting, Carrie Underwood has a great voice. And, I tended to forget that they were doing the WHOLE THING LIVE , which is impressive.

Will it replace the movie? No, never. But as a weeknight novelty watch, I had fun watching – and blogging. Hope you all liked reading along, too!

14Oct2013

Live Blog: Halloweentown

Posted in Entertainment, Live Blogs by Molly

Welcome to our second Halloween Throwback Live Blog (the first was Hocus Pocus). Live blogging Halloweentown was a no-brainer: we love the 90s, we love live blogging terrible tv movies, and we love Disney Channel Original Movies (that’s DCOMs to all of y’all). Plus, Halloweentown is airing on the Disney Channel tonight! Read this to do your prep work, or follow along during the broadcast. I promise you would have predicted all of the spoilers anyway. Without further ado, your companion to Halloweentown:

– I’m already thinking this is going to be better than I remember, because one of the first things to show up on the credits is “Music by Mark Mothersbaugh”. You may remember that he did the spot-on music for Rugrats. Also, a little project called Devo.

– Fun fact: the main character, a Winnie Cooper-ish 13-year-old, is named Marnie. The timeline just about adds up for her to be the same age as the character in Girls today. So, if you get bored during this, just imagine the teen witch (SPOILER!) growing up to be Marnie Michaels.

Danica McKellar was presumably busy doing ‘oh God anything but this.’

– This flick features one of my favorite 90s stock characters, the dweeby, infuriating younger brother a la Ferguson Darling.

– Well, I spent the whole first 5 minutes wondering why ~~Winnie’s~~ Marnie’s wearing a Halloween costume when the whole plot is that her mom won’t let the kids go Trick-Or-Treating. Then, I realize that this is probably just an outfit in 1998.

– Marnie and her mom, Gwen, argue about trick-or-treating. Bam. Say what you will about DCOMs, we are five minutes in and the movie has already passed Bechdel test.

– Annoying younger brother (Ferguson, I’m calling him) says that talking about their father – who the kids don’t know – always bums their mom out. Why are so many childrens’ movies predicated on the idea that mama used to get around? Or maybe he’s dead.

– The kids’ grandma, Aggie, shows up and is a total witch.

– Aggie, by the way? Debbie Freakin’ Reynolds. Well, they can’t all be Singin In The Rain. If we learned anything from Hocus Pocus, it’s that children’s Halloween films are where beloved elder actresses go when they just don’t care anymore.

– Also, Gwen is Judith Hoag, so hell, they can’t even all be Nashville.

– After what seems like minutes (but, like, a lot of minutes), ~~Tandy~~ Gwen finally lets Aggie tell the kids a story. See, although a lot of movies have the trope where a parent is super strict but it’s for a very good reason the kids can’t know about, I still think Gwen kind of sucks.

– Aggie brings a picture book with crude illustrations of witches and goblins. Marnie loves it because it’s “all the stuff [she’s] into.” Things Marnie’s Into: (1) Drawings that look like they were made on Microsoft Paint, I guess.

I’m just going to go ahead and say that the entire budget went to Debbie Reynolds.

– Did every girl in the 90s have a white wicker bed, or was that just on tv?

– Aggie – wearing a diaphanous blouse that makes her look like Stevie Nicks as played by Debbie Reynolds – argues with Gwen that Marnie’s witch education should be done by now (Bechdel!). So, this is basically a way-less cool version of Harry Potter. Forget an owl on your 11th birthday, in Halloweentown-verse, you find out you’re a witch when your grandma visits.

– Marnie is surprisingly chill for a child who just discovered that she and her relatives are all supernatural beings. Meanwhile, I found out I’m part English last year and I’m still trying to get my head around it.

– Marnie and Ferg-wad sneak onto grandma’s super secret witch bus – which is just a school bus rocking back and forth in front of a green screen. Well, it’s no Knight Bus, that’s for certain. It’s like this whole thing was written by J.K. Rowling’s less-imaginative cousin.

– You don’t have to do a Halloweentown drinking game, but if you are, you should chug every time Ferguson Darling refers to himself as “the man of the house,” because he does it kind of a lot.

– It appears that everyone in Halloweentown is in costume, so who knows, maybe Aggie is going as Stevie Nicks this year.

– Fergie and Marnie’s sister, Sophie, followed them there. Oh yeah. Now’s a good time to mention that there’s a little sister. There was really no reason to talk about her before. She’s a generic brunette child with bangs.

– The kiddos run into a warlock who tells them that he “knew their mother a long time ago.” Knew biblically? Is he the baby daddy? Why is there so much Maury Povich and so little magic?

– Obligatory Disney meta-reference, re: skeleton chauffer: “He’s probably animatronic; Disney Land’s full of stuff like that.” But honestly? I’ve seen better spooky special effects in the part of the Haunted Mansion ride when the ghost appears next to you in the car.

– Revelation: the people in Halloweentown aren’t in costume, they’re actually supposed to be whatever it is that they’re dressed as. It’s bad, though. The Frankenstein, for instance, looks like a regular guy in a $7.99 latex Frankenstein mask from Party City.

– Marnie’s ready to begin witch training. Her Grandma needs another Cromwell lady to fight some kind of villain, who I already know is going to be way less cool than Voldemort — and I mean less cool than any incarnation of Voldemort, including under-the-turban Voldemort and Tom Riddle Voldemort.

– Luke, the Halloweentown “bad boy,” looks like a tough 13-year-old from the 50s. He has the face of Eddie Haskell, a hairdo that looks like a duck’s ass, and a sassy cropped vest.

– I believe that in Harry Potter parlance, we just learned that Marnie is a mudblood. In English parlance, she’s wearing a big freaking scrunchie.

– The mayor and Gwen reunite and I totally called it: they used to bone.

Gwen: You used to let the magic do the talking.

Mayor: You used to like it – or are you forgetting that part?

Marnie: I guess you like magic when he does it, huh?

– “You’re not a witch just because grandma says you are.” – Gwen, offering reassurance to every girl whose grandma just doesn’t like her very much.

– Disney throws in a hastily-written b-plot to make things more exciting for the older kids. The bad guy stands in an abandoned movie theater and explains what’s going on. It’s like the exposition version of deus ex machina – just really fast-tracking it.

– I worked at a movie theater for like 5 years, and my scariest movie theater story is that one time a teen couple had sex in the theater during Flushed Away, an animated feature about rats and poop.

Anyway. There’s a wicked spell, a bad guy who wants … something to do with power, people being turned into statues, and a magical talisman. Because there’s always a magical talisman in these things (Aggie has it). It’s like a winning row in scary movie bingo.

– Gwen and Aggie get petrificus totalus-ed. Accio, the last hour of my life! Please.

– Marnie says “duh!” because she’s not even cool enough for “doy!”

– Marnie: “We’re Cromwells! Together we can conquer anything!” (Anything like… Ireland? Seriously odd surname choice there, Disney)

– There’s a really pointless scene (as in, more than the other scenes even) with a Halloweentown hairdresser who’s like a lame, cat-like version of Cinna from The Hunger Games – doing the hair of a woman who looks like she’s from The Capital. He keeps saying “yeah, baby!” and I think Disney thinks it can make this movie funny by quoting Austin Powers.

– Sophie saves the day by remembering the spell. Pretty clear who’s the Hermione and who’s the Lavender Brown here (too soon?).

– We learn that spells are simple. “You just have to want it, and let yourself have it!” So now we know where that guy who’s making a ton of money from The Secret got the idea.

– GAME CHANGER. He Who Shall Not Be Named (because I forget his name… because it was stupid) morphs into Gwen’s ex-lover.

– Marnie drops the magic stick into a giant jack-o-lantern and defeats Voldumbort. Apparently his name is Kalibar. I spent a while looking for a cool anagram in there, but again, this is no J.K. Rowling. Unless Bail Ark means something. Maybe it does – as in “abandon ship? this movie is sinking?”

– Fergwad is a warlock, which is convenient for when Marnie inevitably gets Menudo-ed out of the Halloweentown franchise.

– Luke is nice, and as it turns out, troll-faced. He was under a spell before. Aggie is going to move in with the family to babysit. It’s over. Thank goodness. Good night.

30Sep2013

Live Blog: Hocus Pocus

Posted in Entertainment, Live Blogs by Molly

We’re only a month out from Halloween, and it’s time to start live blogging some Halloween favorites from yesteryear! Unfortunately, there’s no good live blog pun having to do with Halloween. ‘Liveblog-oween?’ ‘Boo! It’s a Liveblog?’ Nothing.

Actually, that’s not entirely true. It’s just that ‘Liveblog-warts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry’ would take up too many characters on Twitter.

For my first selection, I will be liveblogging the seminal Halloween classic, Hocus Pocus. Hocus Pocus was released in 1993, so I’m documenting this both in commemmoration of its 20-year anniversary, and of my lost youth – truly, the scariest thing of all.

The curtain opens on sometime in yesteryear. 1600s? 1700s? But don’t worry, the boy (Elijah) has the patented Cute Teenaged Boy From The Mid’90s Haircut. You know the one.
Shhhh. You know what? I initially had the awkward drawing app I was using as an excuse for spelling beautiful like that. But I did it. I own it. Keeping the live in live blog.
He also has the patented Yesteryear Accent. Not quite American, not quite British – so, like the 1600s teen boy version of Katharine Hepburn.

Special Effect #1: There is purple smoke coming from the witches’ chimney. It looks like it was drawn on the frame with magic marker

I wonder if Bette Midler’s hairline is inspired by Queen Elizabeth I, assuming this is the 1600s. Then I realize that I am probably thinking about this way more than the art director of Hocus Pocus ever did.

Special Effect # 2: The glowing blue cauldron looks like dry ice over an LED bulb.

Elijah pours the cauldron on Kathy Najimy, Bette Midler, and Sarah Jessica Parker. It has turned green, but still looks like something out of a middle school’s production of Little Shop Of Horrors Junior.
The 90s Supporting Actress Sisters have killed (?) Emily, the boy’s sister, and are now young-ish and beautiful-ish.

The ladies do a spell, the boy becomes a cat, and I realize how much Sabrina The Teenage Witch has to owe to this fine film. It is possibly the same cat.
Sister Mary Patrick, The Rose, and Annie sing. It’s less good than you’d think.

The witches will be summoned by a virgin. For almost two decades (!), this movie has been inspiring 7-year-olds to ask awkward questions that their parents totally evade. Well, maybe that was just my parents.

The Modern Boy, Max, has the same 90s Hot Boy Hair as the 1600s Boy. He is wearing tie dye and has recently come from California. The early 90s were really into stereotyping Californian teens as peaced out, tye die wearing Haight Ashbury types. Dawn Schaffer, anyone?

Female lead – Alison – is sporting some serious Stevie Nicks style. She got off really easy for 1993 hair – narry a mall bang nor spiral perm in sight.

TV and movies have me believe that everyone else’s school had a thuggish bully and his dweeby toadie. Did everyone else’s school have those? Maybe mine did, and they just didn’t even know who I was. We meet Salem’s – Jay and Ernie, aka “Ice.”

We meet Dani, Max’s little sister, who I’m sure all of you remember is played by Thora Birch. Did you know that Thora’s parents are porn stars? That’s why she has a porn star name. My parents are Irish and named me Molly, Thora’s are porn stars and named her Thora. It’s all about heritage.

Max declares that he is dressed as “a rap singer.” He is wearing an LL Bean looking-shirt, some Eddie Bauer-looking jeans, sunglasses, and a Gap baseball hat. Max’s father advises him that his hat should be backwards. Never change, 1993.

The symbol on Max’s hat is backwards. Did Lifetime reverse the image for this movie? Or was a backwards G the style of the time?

Dani cries on a pile of hay. The hay pile has lit pumpkins on it. The people in this town are such dum-dums, they deserve to get haunted by three witches.

I’m not talking about the acting during Dani and Max’s heartwarming sibling chat, because if you can’t say anything nice…

Max and Dani are at Allison’s house. From the outside, it looks like my parents’ normal-sized house, but from the inside, it’s an enormous colonial mansion. They’re having a 18th century costume ball and Allison looks like a teen Felicity Merriman.

Allison has changed into a cozy, but boxy and unflattering oatmeal colored sweater. Here’s what I want to do. I want to get a screenshot of every outfit like this from the movie. Then, I want to start a tumblr. I’m going to call it You Weren’t There, You Wouldn’t Understand. Every time one of those teen girls posts “90s” fashion on her tumblr, I’m going to tag her so she can see how dopey most of this shit really was. And if she asks me why, I’ll tell her “you weren’t there, you wouldn’t understand.”
Or actually. Teen girls on the internet are already talking about how to look like her. I just can’t understand anybody who wasn’t alive for Beanie Babies.
Inside the haunted house, Fake Salem jumps out and then the house does some special effects at us. Dani informs us that the house is going crazy because a virgin lit the candle. Busted, Max. Although, he’s about 15 years old and dressed like Marshall Darling from Clarissa Explains It All. I think Allison probably figured.

Sister Mary Pat calls Dani a “shiksa baby.” So the witches are … Jewish? Now’s as good a time as any to mention that everyone in this whole movie is white.

Bette Midler’s mouth in this looks just like Lady Gaga’s mouth in real life. It’s a tiny pursed bunny mouth.
OH MY GOODNESS YOU GUYS. “Lasers” are shooting out of Bette’s hands and it looks like it was drawn on in post-production in Gel Pen.
Come on. You can juuuust barely tell which ones I drew on with my thumb using a free drawing app.
The witches will turn to dust in the morning if they don’t use some kind of potion that sucks the youth out of children. So basically, David The Gnome. By the way, in the event I ever end up circle-shaped, I’m just going to say screw it and dress like one of the gnome wives on David The Gnome.

Max: “We’re talking about three ancient hags vs. the 20th Century!” Hahaha remember the 20th century? Our phones were attached to walls. If you got lost, you had to find a map, read it, then re-fold it, or talk to a human. When you wanted to know what happened to a washed-up celebrity, you had to write a letter to this column that appeared in the U.S.A. Today Weekend section. I’m going Team Three Ancient Hags. If we were to ever add a third to the blog, that’s what we’d change the name to.

The kids are now in the Salem Crypt, which attaches to the sewer. So in Salem, when you die you are more or less flushed down the toilet like a goldfish (people who are reading this who know me IRL: I want to be cremated because I don’t think dead people get to own land, and also because I’ve seen just enough episodes of Bones to know that shit gets real dicey, real fast. What I really want is for them to find a way around the whole dying thing before I get to it, though.)

Sometime in this whole hullabaloo, Carrie Bradshaw has straightened her hair.

The witches get scared of a bus, and I have to admit it: the whole trope when people from the past get scared of mundane modern stuff never gets old for me. Like, I am the one person who liked The Village. Should I be watching Sleepy Hollow? (I’m totally going to watch the 2 eps of Sleepy Hollow today)

Dani calls Max a virgin in front of a cop. Yep, little sibs embarrassing their older siblings by accident is another lame trope I kind of adore. Max says “yeah, I’ll get it tattooed on my forehead, ok”, but he is wearing Male Mom Jeans, and that means he will never have to.

The witches meet a lady who is wearing hair curlers, possibly as part of a disheveled housewife costume, but more likely because she’s really a disheveled housewife. I’m sort of bummed that nobody sleeps in curlers in earnest anymore. Lost art and all that.

Dani tells her mom what’s going on, and as always, begins her spiel with “Max is a virgin.” Ha. Thora Birch’s parents are porn stars.

By the way, the mom is dressed as cone bra-era Madonna. Post that note to You Weren’t There, You Wouldn’t Understand.

Musical number! Finally! It includes a weird cheer-type thing in the middle and for a moment, I feel like I’m listenting to Hollaback Girl or Mickey.

I’m looking at Bette’s buck teeth and I have to get something off my chest. In second grade, there was a girl in my dance class. She had buck teeth and her name was Allison. In my head, I referred to her as Buckingham Alice. I was seven. SEVEN. I wish live blogs had been invented then. I was such a charming little girl.

Max tells the cat “man, you can’t keep blaming yourself for that. It happened so long ago!” The cat’s talking about Emily’s demise, but Max’s advice sounds just like so many 20-something guys when they are drunk and get going talking about a lost love.

Dani makes another reference to Max’s virginity, following the comedy rule of ‘if your movie has one funny thing, you can keep repeating it as many times as you need to.’

The bully and his lackey are back, and I have no idea whether Ice’s outfit is a costume or 1993 dress. It’s sort of this orange thing that maybe is supposed to be a pumpkin, or maybe is part of that Kente cloth thing that was happening for a while. Do you want to chime in, girls who were born in 1998? Well, don’t. You weren’t there. You wouldn’t understand.*

*(Bam. Rule of threes.)

Max wakes up next to Allison. MAX WAKES UP NEXT TO ALLISON. But – ew – the witches’ creepy book is watching them. And Dani is in the room. And they’re both wearing a crazy amount of clothing (seriously, was it even possible to undress in an attractive way in 1993, with all those flannels and waffle weaves?). AND Max’s alarm clock looks like some kind of a rubix cube. So, all of that points to him still being a virgin. Or Allison being into some sick shit.
Fake Salem jumps onto the Witch Book while Max and Allison are reading it. Most realistic thing in the movie thus far. Cats are a bunch of book-blocking douchebags, when you really get down to it.

Bradshaw is singing, something about her Garden Of Magic, because this movie is just entendres on entendres. The song sounds almost identical to Once Upon A December from Anastasia.

Bette has Dani tied up, and Dani shouts “It doesn’t matter how young or old you are! You sold your soul!” Can I get a sound file of that on my phone? Earlier today I was Groupon-hunting for chemical peels or something to make me look less like I’m slowly decaying from the inside, and I think maybe if I played that clip whenever I pulled stuff like that it would make me stop.

This one zombie helps them. He hides Dani in a grave, and you know who I want to be, out of everyone in this whole tale? Dani’s therapist, 20 years in the future. He or she must be very rich.

That one zombie’s head falls off. He takes it pretty much in stride, which is amazing considering I lost a huge handful of hair in the shower this morning and I STILL feel kind of iffy about it. He hasn’t been getting much screen time because zombies weren’t as trendy back then.

Bette’s still all pissed because Dani called her ugly. Some people really do never move past junior high, huh? If I were a witch and someone called me ugly, I’d just be all “well, I’m a witch, I do what I want.” Or really, even if as a person someone called me ugly, I’d just be all “well, I’m a witch, I do what I want.”

Max is sort of 1/3 of the way to being see through, and he looks exactly like a kid who would be on the cover of a Fear Street book.
Dani calls her brother jerkface. Good, but not great. Anyone else do compound-insults with their siblings? My brother and I used to go back and forth: Stink festival, Crap factory, Dork-Con 2000. We were in high school at the time.

Fake Salem becomes a boy and heads off with Emily, but not before really creepily kissing Dani on the cheek.

The film closes on little Dani looking off into the sunset. It’s 1993, and in just 6 short years, we’ll all see her boobs in American Beauty. Everything is gross.

A note: if you like our fictional tumblr from this post, you’ll love our post this upcoming Friday! But there are plenty more 90s posts between now and then, so why don’t you just come back every day instead?

22Sep2013

Live Blog: Emmy Awards 2013

Posted in Entertainment, Live Blogs by Cookies + Sangria

Happy Emmys Day!! Thanks for joining us on television’s biggest day of the year. Since we are too cheap to upgrade to the type of server that allows auto-refreshing when it comes to liveblogging, please refresh this page every 5 to 10 minutes for our live updates! Also, feel free to join us on Twitter as we join the convo there too!!

Pre-Show Fun with E!

T: If you caught any of the E! Pre-Show Pre-Show, Giuliana Rancic, Kelly Osbourne and George (Ksomething Greek sounding last name) made up Hashtags for the night. Kelly’s was #ohnoshedidnt & G’s was #NipSlip. So I mean…. probably no Emmy for E! on the red carpet next year… or ever.

M: Zooey Deschanel is dressed like she’s from the future but she usually dresses like she’s from the past and I’m SO CONFUSED right now. She’s like a really pretty Jetson cousin.

M: Zosia Mamet’s dress is sort of tie dye looking and I wouldn’t be surprised if the Outfit Critics didn’t like it. I actually find the fabric pretty but there’s a black bar over her boobs that either looks like a censor bar or a giant fake mustache. But on her boobs.

M: I was going to say I don’t like Heidi Klum’s dress color but then I imagined Heidi Klum turning to the camera, looking straight at me, raising a single eyebrow, and saying “oh really? Well I don’t like your sweatpants.” I got served by imaginary Heidi Klum.

M: So… we’re supposed to say Anna Gunn’s name with an accent? Is that what I just heard? Listen. I’m from the Great Lakes region. You’re lucky that I don’t say it like my voice box is stuffed into my nose. Let’s not get greedy, Ahhna.

T: Speaking of Anna Gunn and Breaking Bad, it is like freaking SOPHIE’S CHOICE tonight – Breaking Bad comes on at 9p, Emmys at 8p. Luckily for me, I can watch one right after the other, but that means avoiding Twitter starting at 6pm EST. #FIRSTWORLDPROBLEMSYALL

M: Is that why I’m manning Twitter tonight? (Traci says ‘Yes. Absolutely. Every man for himself) BTW “manigram” is a really distracting segment name because it sounds exactly like they’re saying mammogram.

M: Tina Fey is wearing something flawless because she’s perfect.

T: Literally my first thought about Tina: *OWOOOOGA* like a cartoon character with eyes bulging out

M: Like Mad Men, Kiernan Shipka has now entered the late 60s (judging by her dress). And her awkward stage. JK. She’ll never have an awkward stage (I’m slowly crawling out of mine as we speak. I’m in my late 20s).

Our heart can't take this! #BreakingBad's Walt + Jesse together on #Emmys red carpet. (Not blue) @BreakingBad_AMC pic.twitter.com/crEtWqtOSA

— Television Academy (@TelevisionAcad) September 22, 2013

T: Jewel is at the Emmys, everyone. Don’t worry.

M: My standout memory of Jewel is during the Kids Choice Awards when we were still in the proper Kids Choice Awards demo (like 10 maybe?) all the kids were yelling like annoying brats and she made them quiet down before she sang. Like a stern but kind preschool teacher. Hope she does that at some point tonight.

Also – Christina Hendricks is here with 20s hair.

[Deleted block of text where I freaked out about someone’s awful purple dress then realized I was looking at E’s decorations and went to get my glasses]

M: You know what Michael Douglas? You ruined everything when you told us all how you got cancer.

T: Things we just learned from Michael Douglas: Fan of both Ryan Seacrest’s morning radio show as well as Big Bang Theory. Never would’ve guessed either.

M: Speaking of Big Bang Theory, Jim Parsons is here and he always seems like the human version of a cartoon cat to me. Never so much as when he’s wearing a bow tie.

M: Lena Dunham tweeted that her sister said that her dress looked like it came from a Delia’s catalog.

“It’s like the Delia’s catalogue made a red carpet dress!” – my sister giving me the truest compliment when I showed her my Emmy look #joy

— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) September 20, 2013

Also, her hair looks like this one time in college when I went to a cheap place to get my hair cut to shoulder length, and the lady kept taking off hair to get it even, and when I got home it was super short AND the sides were about 3 inches different. I had to go back and get it cut to roughly Dunham’s length. I cried until my friends all told me that they didn’t feel sorry for me.

T: AMY POEHLER JUST SHOWED UP AND LITERALLY SAID OUTLOUD ‘AHHHHHH’

M: Amy declared that she is wearing “a good attitude” which is the exact thing we love about her. BTW I didn’t type the whole time she was up there, I just sat with my chin propped up in my hands like a child staring out the window at Santa.

T: Um Amy just interviewed Carrie Underwood as she came up to Seacrest and said, “And you’re… performing?? ….. What are you doing here?” THIS IS THE BEST PAIRING THAT I NEVER THOUGHT I’D WANT

M: “We’re going to talk about religion… politics… just really get into it.” What if there was a show where it was just Amy Poehler in social situations with very random celebrities? I’d DVR every ep.

T: Lena Dunham is aware she’s not attending a 1997 summer BBQ, right? And like the haircut is reminiscent of the one Allison Pill did on The Newsroom. Also, unlikely friends? Lena and Claire Danes.

M: I’m getting stress flashbacks from her haircut right now. Claire Danes is here with a faux bob that reminds me of a blonde version of the Brown Helmet referenced in Steel Magnolias. Lena Dunham seems like she’d be a great person to be friends with/meet at a party because she’s a really interested and engaged listener.

M: Don’t worry, Connie Britton is here to bring us some high-quality Beautiful Flawless Mermaid hair. Also “my jewelry is worth more than I am.” So, priceless??

M: Will Arnett is here. I can’t see him without shaking my head and thinking “sir, you’ve made an awful mistake.”

T: What Molly said. I said, “RIP” when Will came on the screen. WHO WOULD EVER DIVORCE AMY I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

Aaron Paul is gushing over his wife, who I think is gorge and great, but it’s like, shut up stop being so perfect and in love. #BitterBetty

M: I thought his mom was his wife at first so clearly, everyone in that whole family is just touched with gold.

M: Ryan Seacrest, Shut Up. Julie Bowen, I love you, but also shut up. (ICYMI they’re discussing Bowen starving to fit into her dress, and it’s not even so much that that’s not funny, it’s that they’re not being funny about it. There’s like an unspoken thing that if you’re dealing with offensive material you should at least be actually funny)

T: Also, Julie, you need a stylist. your dress looks like a Georgia O’Keefe painting. The only time I’ve ever seen you look good was last year at the Emmys.

M: AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT THOSE PAINTINGS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE, right people who took one semester of art history?

M: January Jones is here and I don’t care WHO says she’s cold and standoffish, I love when she acts like she can’t be bothered by any of this. You do you, Betty.

M: I missed everything Sofia Vergara just said except “Cover Girl,” which was crystal clear as all sponsored messages should be.

Sofia was asked something that makes her un-sexy. She said it’s that she sleeps with socks on. That is such a cop out, like when you’re on a job interview and asked for your biggest weakness and you say something like “I care too much.”

T: Julia Louis-Dreyfus looks like a disco ball. A fabulous, hilarious, gorgeous Monqiue Lhuillier-made disco ball.

M: Her skin is so beautiful that I sort of want to touch her face.

THE MAIN EVENT

T: GUYS I’M SO EXCITED IT’S LIKE MY SUPERBOWL.

M: It’s 8:05 and the Emmys are JUST STARTING because boys ruin everything. Thanks, football guys. (I know ladies watch football but I’m giving you all an out. This time).

T: “There are too many shows, there’s no time to finish.” – NPH

“Story of my life.” – Me

M: NPH is wearing a dark burgundy tuxedo jacket, a color that’s been forever ruined for me when I learned it was also called “oxblood.” Course he just referenced American Horror Story: Asylum, so clearly the same things don’t freak he and I out.

T: Jimmy Kimmel running on stage to interrupt NPH reminds me of the awksauce time Aubrey Plaza ran on stage during Will Ferrell’s MTV Movie Awards speech.

M: This whole segment is that exact same level of uncomfy. At least Jimmy Fallon is here, but I say that in the same sense that you’re always happy when one of your friends is at the same bad party as you.

T: OMG KEVIN SPACEY. If you haven’t watched House of Cards, this segment doesn’t make sense to you. But it’s so good.

“I come to Awards Shows for the twerking” – Tina

MY LOVE FOR THESE TWO KNOWS NO BOUNDS. AMY JUST ROLLED ONTO THE STAGE.

M: Came for the TV accolades, stayed for Amy Poehler’s extended twerking references. And Tina and Amy’s patented Jennifer Lawrence Graceful Falls.

Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series

Mayim Bialik, The Big Bang Theory
Jane Lynch, Glee
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family
Julie Bowen, Modern Family
Merritt Wever, Nurse Jackie
Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock
Anna Chlumsky, Veep

Traci’s Pick: Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock

Since Rural Juror already lost in the Best Song category last week, it’s only fair that the singer herself get the accolade that she’s deserved for the past seven seasons.

Molly’s Pick: Julie Bowen, Modern Family

Always someone from Modern Family. Surprised Lily isn’t winning these things yet. (But I want to see Anna Chlumsky or Jane Krakowski take it home)

WINNER

Meritt Wever, Nurse Jackie

M: Meritt Wever went to the Fame High School. That is officially the only fact I know about her.

She got on stage, said “I gotta go, bye,” and did. I like the cut of your jib, Wever.

T: LL Cool J – photobombing your awards shows since the 1980s

M: LL Cool J always wears the non-tweed version of the hat my dad always wears, so hope you’re into looking like a suburban Irish lawyer!

Writing for a Comedy Series

Jack Burditt & Robert Carlock, 30 Rock

Tina Fey & Tracey Wigfield, 30 Rock

David Crane & Jeffrey Klarik, Episodes

Louis C.K. & Pamela Adlon, Louie

Greg Daniels, The Office

Traci’s Pick: Louis C.K. & Pamela Adlon, Louie

I don’t even watch Louie, but I feel like he’s got this one in the bag. My heart lies with The Office, though. Best series finale I’ve ever seen.

Molly’s Pick: Greg Daniels, The Office

Loved the 30 Rock Finale, but splitting the finale will probably split the votes, no?

WINNER

Tina Fey & Tracey Wigfield, 30 Rock

T: Fun fact: I had a great run-in with Tracey Wigfield during a Mindy Project WGA event (she writes for them now, slash sorry that was #SoLA). Basically we bonded over our names.

M: Fun fact: I live in Rochester. It’s cold and everything’s closed. Good story Traci!

Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

Adam Driver, Girls
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family
Ed O’Neill, Modern Family
Ty Burrell, Modern Family
Bill Hader, Saturday Night Live
Tony Hale, Veep

Traci’s Pick: Ty Burrell, Modern Family

To me, Ty is the standout male actor on the show, so my vote’s on him. I have a soft spot in my heart for Jesse Tyler Ferguson, though. You know who should really with this? Bill Hader. No more Stefon you guys, NO MORE STEFON 😦

Molly’s Pick: Ed O’Neill, Modern Family

See Supporting Actress Comment, above. See also, Traci’s Stefon comment, above.

WINNER

Tony Hale, Veep

M: Robin Williams is about ¾ of the way through the long journey into turning into Jack Nicholson.

T: Wait… There should’ve been a cross-over 30 Rock/Mad Men ep where Jack Donaghy goes to Don Draper for advertising help

Lead Actress in a Comedy Series

Laura Dern, Enlightened
Lena Dunham, Girls
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Traci’s Pick:Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

If you don’t watch Veep, you’re doing it wrong. But I think it’s pretty clear that both of us would rather have Amy Poehler win this one. Always Amy Poehler. Always.

Molly’s Pick: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

The real award goes to Amy Poehler for whatever awesome bit she schedules this year (do you have .gifs of the other years? I don’t but I’ll look) Why yes, they just happen to be on my Tumblr… (T)

WINNER

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

M: Once again, Anna Chlumsky should be taking home an award for Best Supporting Actress In an Awards Show Comedy Bit, for her appearance in “casually glancing up from her cell phone”

T: Guys…. If that bit Julia Louis-Dreyfus just did went over your head, you need to watch Veep. Now. Or, like after the Emmys.

M: WILL ARNETT YOU’VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

M: The voiceover just said “this is only the second time a woman has won for comedy directing,” but she put so much overemphasis on “a woman” that it sounded like she was saying “this is only the second time a woman has been born with XY chromosomes and also a penis and also was a dude.” Calm down, voiceover lady. It’s fine.

T: Observation: the writers of this year’s Emmys are on point.

Lead Actor in a Comedy Series

Jason Bateman, Arrested Development
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
Don Cheadle, House of Lies
Louis C.K., Louie
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock

Traci’s Pick: Louis C.K., Louie

Louie is juuuust edgy enough to garner the support of the viewers this year, and even though Alec has already won this category twice before, I think he has a good shot at winning for nostalgia purposes too.

Molly’s Pick: Louis C.K., Louie

What the shit is Episodes? I don’t feel like I’m very good at TV right now.

WINNER

Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

T: I literally ‘UGHHed’ when Jim Parsons won. Sorry guys. Not a Big Bang Theory viewer.

M: I only don’t like it because I don’t think it’s very fun. Parsons is a very cute cartoon cat of a man and I loved Blossom on “Blossom.”

M: I think they’re going to do a tribute here. Let’s go over the ground rules, everyone. No clapping til it’s done. No unwrapping snacks. Try to look serious. Church rules, people. OK, the All In The Family Tribute was one of the most touching ones I’ve seen on an awards show in a good while. Kind of want to watch Jean Stapleton’s funny singing in the All In The Family theme song to rinse the sad out of my mouth.

T: I’ve only seen approx 15 minutes of Behind the Candelabra, but I still can’t believe Good Will Hunting and Gordon Gekko played lovers. Like, gay lovers.

M: Between Will Arnett and Michael Douglas, I haven’t seen this much spray tan since prom week at our high school in 2004 (when we were visiting as part of a little brothers/ little sisters thing, we’re not that old) (we’re so old)

Elton John’s piano piece best get a lot flashier, because it sounds like something I’d have played at my spring recital in 1995 (when I was a fetus I’m not that old)

T: “… I’m just gonna turn this down a little.” -Me, re: Elton John

“I mean you can probably just put it on mute, to be honest. Is there an episode of TV we could watch? – my music lover fan, Suzanne.

M: I’m clawing at my face in secondhand embarrassment like I haven’t done since Joey Potter sang On My Own at the Miss Windjammer Pageant. Go back to Baby Zachary Levon, Elton. He needs you more than us.

Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie

Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Asylum
Helen Mirren, Phil Spector
Sigourney Weaver, Political Animals
Laura Linney, The Big C: Hereafter
Elisabeth Moss, Top of the Lake

Traci’s Pick: Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Asylum

I REFUSE to watch American Horror Story. I can barely watch the promos or look at the ads. Have you SEEN the one with the snake in the mouths? Anyways, Jessica Lange will probs win this, although Elisabeth Moss was really good in Top of the Lake. She was honestly the best this about it. Everything else sucked.

Molly’s Pick: Helen Mirren, Phil Spector

This is a list comprised entirely of Actresses Awards Committees Can’t Get Enough Of, so it’s anyone’s game really.

WINNER

Laura Linney, The Big C

M: I checked my work email during Elton John’s song because it was so boring, so then I had to go get some things to stress eat, so if I’m a little fatter tomorrow than today, it’s on you, Liberace.

T: This How I Met Your Mother bit is making me sad that it’s the last season all over again.

M: I know. When long running tv shows end it feels like leaving high school except unlike our high school the tv shows are actually made up of people that I like.

Writing for a Drama Series

George Mastras, Breaking Bad
Thomas Schnauz, Breaking Bad
Julian Fellowes, Downton Abbey
David Benioff & D.B. Weiss, Game Of Thrones
Henry Bromell, Homeland

Traci’s Pick: Henry Bromell, Homeland

This particular episode from Henry Bromell, Q&A, was by far the best episode of the season, maybe even the series to date. No brainer.

Molly’s Pick: David Benioff & DB. Weiss, Game Of Thrones

I’m going solely off of which episode made people on Twitter freak out the most. Not sure if People Who Freak Out On Twitter is the same market demo as People Who Are In The Academy Of Television Arts & Sciences.

WINNER
Henry Bromell, Homeland

T: I feel like it’s almost impossible to talk to Connie Britton and not mention Friday Night Lights. Example: this bit.

M: Other example: the reassuring, Principal Taylor-esque shoulder squeeze she just gave the widow of the last category’s winner.

M: If Connie Britton had watched the preshow, she’d know that it’s pronounced Ahhhna Gunn.

Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

Christine Baranski, The Good Wife
Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey
Emilia Clarke, Game of Thrones
Morena Baccarin, Homeland
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men

Traci’s Pick: Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad

Because if Skyler’s gonna make it out of the ABQ alive, she might as well get an Emmy for it.

Molly’s Pick: Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad

Anna Gunn plays someone’s wife on Breaking Bad. He makes drugs. Some people don’t like her but it’s only because they’re sexist (everything I know about Breaking Bad I learned from Tumblr. Starting it soon. Honest.)

WINNER
Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad

T: GOD BLESS AMERICA SKYLER WINS, ONCE AND FOR ALL.

This show is turning out to be a tearjerker. Not prepared.

M: Getting real emotional. About to go through a lot of snack mix and kale chips. So, screw you, Elton John.

T: I just … love NPH for being virtually the only host who can sing and dance and act flawlessly.

M: I just clasped my hands and raised my shoulders up to my ears like those creepy smitten triplets in Beauty And The Beast when Gaston walked by.

T: Waiit… Castle can sing. Also, I’m freaking out over all the SYTYCD alum dancing right now.

M: So, numbers are up for each of the performers in the last number and lines will be open for an hour after the show.

M: Evidently the teleprompter wasn’t working during Mindy Kaling and Stephen Ammell’s presentation. I sort of just thought that was the level of writing we were supposed to expect for this kind of thing.

Reality-Competition Program

Dancing With the Stars
Project Runway
So You Think You Can Dance
The Amazing Race
The Voice
Top Chef

Traci’s Pick: The Amazing Race

Ugh, even though I think The Amazing Race is a good show, it has won every.single.year since the category was introduced in 2003. Except in 2010 when Top Chef won. In all honesty, So You Think You Can Dance should win, but that’s a completely biased opinion.

Molly’s Pick: The Voice

I’m one of those old-school folks who doesn’t love this category. SYTYCD is the only one I watch on the regs anymore, but I’d be surprised.

WINNER

The Voice

T: EXCUSE ME? THE VOICE?

M: Sometimes Cee Lo has that cat, though. Seems fair.

T: Kerry! I love you so much. ~~And I usually love alllll your fashion choices… but…~~ On second viewing, it’s really not that bad and kind of pretty.

M: Like Connie Britton, I tend to attribute Kerry Washington’s character’s traits to her. Totally fair to assume she’s as smart and driven as Olivia Pope, right?

T: Why is Dihann Carroll so far away from Kerry right now?

Supporting Actor in a Drama Series

Bobby Cannavale, Boardwalk Empire
Jonathan Banks, Breaking Bad
Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
Jim Carter, Downton Abbey
Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones
Mandy Patinkin, Homeland

Traci’s Pick: Mandy Patinkin, Homeland

I LOVE YOU AARON PAUL. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. But after Mandy’s snub last year, I feel like the Academy will want to make up for its massive mistake in not nominating Inigo Montoya.

Molly’s Pick: Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones

But Maybe Bobby Cannavale as a super-dark horse. Sometimes I think Emmy voters are like that one neighbor you had in 1992 who always wanted to show off that he had HBO. Yes, Academy. We know you have HBO.

WINNER

Bobby Cannavale, Boardwalk Empire

Lead Actor in a Drama Series

Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Hugh Bonneville, Downton Abbey
Damian Lewis, Homeland
Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom

Traci’s Pick: Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

I honestly kept switching my vote from Heisenberg to Nick Brody, but Heisenberg won in the end… just like he will in the series finale????

Molly’s Pick: Damian Lewis, Homeland

Know what? I really don’t know about this one.

WINNER

Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom

M: Like I said, the Academy members are really proud that they upgraded to the HBO package with their cable service.

T: Jeff Daniels “I didn’t expect this.” Yeah neither did we.

What in the actual fuck is going on? None of these people were expected to win!!!! #SelfishBallotTalk

But really, I like Jeff Daniels and all, but over Mandy Patinkin and Aaron Paul?

M: Don Cheadle is now hosting a mini-segment called “Shit That’s Supposed To Make You Cry That Was On TV One Time In the 60s”

Also supposed to make you cry: Carrie Underwood singing ‘Yesterday.’ So THAT’s what she’s doing here.

M: It’s ok, Jimmy Fallon’s here, we can all stop crying now. Really, that wasn’t cool, Cheadle.

T: Literally started clapping when Jimmy came on the stage. This mic bit is way funnier than it should be.

M: I’m getting nervous about this category. Like, because I care who wins and because I care how they’re going to fill a whole other hour after this.

Lead Actress in a Drama Series

Vera Farmiga, Bates Motel
Michelle Dockery, Downton Abbey
Claire Danes, Homeland
Robin Wright, House of Cards
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men
Connie Britton, Nashville
Kerry Washington, Scandal

Traci’s Pick: Kerry Washington, Scandal

I think my pick is half who ‘will’ win and half who ‘should’ win. Either way, I’m sticking with Kerry in the event this is the one upset of the night and she steals it away from Claire Danes. The whole African-American actress hubbub mixed with the fact that I recently binge-watched Scandal and now am obsessed with it is why I’m choosing Olivia Pope. #GoGladiators

Molly’s Pick: Kerry Washington, Scandal

Claire Danes is trying to wrestle back her Ugly Cry Showdown title, but I have to go with Olivia Pope. Love Scandal.

WINNER

Claire Danes, Homeland

M: And, with Claire Danes’ win, she yanks the title of Best Ugly Crier from Anne Hathaway. You had a good run, Annie. Now why don’t you cry about it (you’re really quite good at it).

T: I had so much anxiety during that category and Kerry didn’t even win. Gah. Also Claire Danes WTF is with your hair. Just, no.

M: Anyone else having a tough time dealing with Damian’s face right now?

M: Traci, you don’t watch Game of Thrones, right? I don’t have enough time to get as into it as people on twitter convince me I would be. I also feel like it’s for people who play games with really big multi-sided dice and secret names. *even though I know super normy people who watch it.

T: No, I do not, and will not watch Game of Thrones. I have too many shows. Also, I don’t watch programs with dragons or vampires.

M: Sometimes I think about watching it so I could understand more memes. Everything about me is embarrassing.

T: The group writers intros are always my favoriteand OHMYGOD OPRAH.

M: So, who on Jimmy Kimmel is sleeping with Oprah? (Don’t say Gayle or Stedman, we know neither of those are happening)

T: I mean, if he’s not sleeping with her, they’re at least BFFs (Example A, Example B).

M: Right now the Emmys are reminding me of that one older relative who, every time you see them, has to tell you about another person you know who died.

T: I cannot express how excited I am about this choreography dance number. SYTYCD alum galore! Also, I just really like it when dance is featured on a major show. (If you want to see these amazing choreographers’ nominated routines, watch them here!)

M: When NPH started singing “Luck Be A Lady” I thought “hey, this always reminds me of Mrs Doubtfire!” So, everything nice is wasted on me. Just feed me Taco Bell and give me a stack of Lifetime movies. It’s all I deserve.

M: So I think it’s time for me to watch Boardwalk Empire (ICYMI 1920s people 1920s-danced to a 1920s Get Lucky.)

T: I AM LEGITIMATELY CRYING RIGHT NOW GUYS. IT’S A PROBLEM.

I LOVE ALL THOSE DANCERS AND CHOREOGRAPHERS. AND TRAVIS AND ALLISON – WHO WERE CONTESTANTS IN SEASON TWO OF SYTYCD ARE NOW NOMINATED FOR AN EMMY?! AND THE FACT THAT CHOREOGRAPHY IS EVEN ON THE PRIMETIME SHOW I ACTUALLY CANNOT.

M: I almost cried too, but nothing came out because I used up all my tears during the JFK thing. I’m Irish Catholic. The JFK funeral is like holding fresh cut onions under my eyes.

Sorry, did Mandy Moore just get introduced as Mandy Jo Moore? Not makin’ it better, Mand’.

Variety Series

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
Real Time With Bill Maher
Saturday Night Live
The Colbert Report
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Traci’s Pick: The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

It’s hard to pick anything else besides The Daily Show, because much like The Amazing Race, it’s dominated the competition since 2003. If anyone has a chance, it’s his buddy Stephen Colbert. A long shot would be my boy Jimmy Fallon, and I might have to Funkin’ Gonuts myself if he wins.

Molly’s Pick: The Colbert Report

The Colbert Report has been pretty on its game this year, but it would be nice to see Jimmy Fallon win since that show’s been having more fun than I’ve ever really seen a late night show have. However, this isn’t community rec U4-U6 soccer, so I guess you don’t get a trophy for “going out there and having fun.”

WINNER
The Colbert Report

T: *caps lock rant over* In other news, I am doing horribly with my ballot.

M: You could totally change your answers before you post it, but you wouldn’t do it. You’re the kind of person who would leave money at an unattended farm stand. (I’m the kind of person who lives near farm stands. Like I said, everything about me is embarrassing).

M: These spread-out tributes are really killing me. This is why you don’t do funerals in installments. Best to get it all over with at once.

T: Seriously, I’m crying again… Maybe I should seek psychiatric help…

M: Nah you’re good. My mom texted me during this that she was driving my nephew and he kept telling her “you really, really have to tell Aunt Molly that I love her” and I cried for like five minutes. OK, or maybe we’re just both messes.

T: “This just in: no one in America is winning their office Emmy pool.”- NPH Yes.

M: Yeah. I could win at this point just because everyone’s doing so poorly. The winner will probably be someone who doesn’t watch TV and just goes by whatever has the best name (read: my football pool strategy).
Anna Farris is wearing a Sleeping Beauty wig and a very nice yellow dress.

T: This lovely British woman winning for The Hour is just the absolute loveliest. Lovely.

M: She’s really, very lovely.

Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie

James Cromwell, American Horror Story: Asylum
Zachary Quinto, American Horror Story: Asylum
Scott Bakula, Behind the Candelabra
John Benjamin Hickey, The Big C: Hereafter
Peter Mullan, Top of the Lake

Traci’s Pick: James Cromwell, American Horror Story: Asylum

See: Lead Actress in a Miniseries… but I mean he was great in Babe.

Molly’s Pick: Scott Bakula, Behind the Candelabra

I suppose.

WINNER
James Cromwell, American Horror Story: Asylum

T: Kevin Spacey looked perturbed when he flicked that piece of paper into the lens. He should be used to speaking into cameras.

M: MORE DEAD PEOPLE. Jeeesus. What is this, the Hogwarts Portrait Gallery? No. Because at Hogwarts, people are better behaved than to clap at inappropriate times. Bunch of damn Slytherins here.

So, Behind the Candelabra is like… really happening right now, huh? I just can’t take anything seriously with Candelabra in the title. Also: more music from my 4th grade piano recital.

Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie

Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story: Asylum
Ellen Burstyn, Political Animals
Charlotte Rampling, Restless
Alfre Woodard, Steel Magnolias
Imelda Staunton, The Girl

Traci’s Pick: Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story: Asylum

Sarah Paulson is one of those people for me that I always remember them for that one thing they did that probably no one else does. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. RIP.

Molly’s Pick: Imelda Staunton, The Girl

I typed 3 different actresses before settling on Imelda Staunton. Never realized I cared so much about supporting actresses in miniseries.

WINNER
Ellen Burstyn, Political Animals

M: Ellen Burstyn looks very… diaphanous tonight.

T: Ellen Burstyn: Forever the crazy lady in Requiem for a Dream.

M: 10:56 EST. How many awards to go? Put on the hustle, Emmys! You can do it!

Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie

Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra
Matt Damon, Behind the Candelabra
Benedict Cumberbatch, Parade’s End
Al Pacino, Phil Spector
Toby Jones, The Girl

Traci’s Pick: Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra

Michael Douglas playing a gay, rhinestone wearing, piano player who has sex with Matt Damon? Yeah, just give him the Emmy now.

Molly’s Pick: Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra

I have nothing to add to Traci’s comment. That’s pretty much it.

WINNER

Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra

T: What is Michael Douglas actually saying right now.

M: He’s saying that Matt Damon’s a top, I think. That means what you think it does. Michael Douglas: making my stomach feel not great since he told us all how he got cancer. Also “My wife Catherine?” Didn’t they just get divorced?

T: I think they’re separated? Slash maybe he’s just trying to be nice about their split. What a great guy.

M: You know, I’m just a simple, old-fashioned girl who thinks that once you’ve gotten throat cancer from your spouse’s vag, you’re in it for life. (Sorry) (No I’m not. Michael Douglas should be sorry. AND CZJ I guess. Everyone who made it possible for me to know that fact)

Miniseries or Movie

American Horror Story: Asylum
Behind the Candelabra
Phil Spector
Political Animals
The Bible
Top of the Lake

Traci’s Pick: Behind the Candelabra

Sorry everyone else, this is the year for the gays.

Molly’s Pick: Top Of The Lake

I think other people liked it more than I did.

WINNER

Behind the Candelabra

M: Claire Danes is doing awesome, but I’d just like to take this moment to point out that all of the best actress nominees this year were played by Tatiana Maslany. Amazing how you just forget that it’s the same actress. /#stillbitter

T: Will Ferrell… pretty sure these are his actual kids. Are they getting paid for this or straight up child labor?

M: Oh my God I think you’re right. I thought those Asian kids from the last award show were his real kids. But this is probably more correct.

Comedy Series

The Big Bang Theory
Girls
Louie
Modern Family
30 Rock
Veep

Traci’s Pick: Modern Family

Modern Family 3-peat. 30 Rock should win based on sentimentality alone. Blerg.

Molly’s Pick: Modern Family

I like Modern Family – really, I do. I’d just rather see 30 Rock win.

WINNER

Modern Family

T: “This may have been the saddest Emmys ever, but we could not be happier.” Steve Levitan, Modern Family EP, who has hit the Emmy nail on the head.

M: Yeah. The tone of the Emmys is supposed to be all “TV forever!” but this year it’s like “TV forever! Until you die. Everyone dies. Here’s some people who did this year, for instance. And JFK, which was a while ago,but you know, why not?”

Drama Series

House of Cards
Breaking Bad
Downton Abbey
Game of Thrones
Homeland
Mad Men

Traci’s Pick: Breaking Bad

Basically, just give Breaking Bad ALL the awards while you can. ALL of them.

Molly’s Pick: Breaking Bad

If not this year, then next. Source: tumblr.

WINNER

Breaking Bad

T: Finally Breaking Bad wins and all is right with the world.

M: Except this Emmy telecast. It just left me feeling kind of “off.” Speaking of which, now you can all go watch Breaking Bad! I don’t have any spoilers I’m just taking it that something crazy happened.

Thanks everyone for reading!! Check back tomorrow for our Best and Worst Dressed Lists!!! Go drown your sorrows in your Emmy ballots now…

30Aug2013

Live Blog: Escape From Polygamy

Posted in Entertainment, Live Blogs by Traci

Ah, another week another ridiculous Lifetime movie. Now I don’t watch anything on Lifetime to know that this movie even existed, but I was flipping through Entertainment Weekly and this was a featured item on their TV guide. All I read was the title and I knew I had to report on it.

I went in not really knowing anything, but this description per the TV info: “Deeply in love, a young man and woman plan to run away from their polygamous community and its leader.”

Yeah, because that gave me more information than I had before. Anyways, the only name I recognize is Mary McCormack, who played Kate Harper on the later seasons of The West Wing, and is making her polygamy debut as the mom, Leann. The rest are relative unknowns, which I suppose is good, because I always get distracted with that kind of thing, especially in movies such as this (see: Sharknado Live Blog & the dad from Home Alone).

Alright, polygamy. Let’s do this.

Meeting the family

Mary McCormack/Kate and her daughter Julina get picked up on the side of the road by an old guy in a truck – on purpose. He’s MM’s new husband, to which Julina responds, “He’s old.” MM says, “He’s my salvation. The Prophet doesn’t make mistakes.”

Okay, so this is supposed to be like Warren Jeffs, then? Got it.

Warren Jeffs 101

Founder of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (FLDS Church)

Called the ‘President and Prophet’ of the ‘church’. He was the one who assigned the (polygamist) marriages within the community, no matter how old or if they were related

It was reported that Jeffs himself had 70 wives

In 2006, he was placed on the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted List for fleeing Utah to avoid getting arrested from charges stemming from his alleged arrangement of illegal marriages between the adult males & underage girls in the community.

He was arrested last that year and in 2007, he was charged with 8 more counts, including sexual conduct with minors and incest. He was eventually convicted of 2 counts of rape as an accomplice and sentenced to 10 years to life. But apparently there were incorrect jury instructions so the conviction was overturned.

Buttttt, he was sent to Texas, where he was found guilty of sexual assault and aggravated sexual assault of children in a FLDS owned West Texas ranch in 2009. He was sentence to life plus 20 years in prison.

Speaking of The Prophet, we are introduced to him when a whole gang of kids run down a dirt road following another pickup truck (vehicle of choice in the town of Hillcrest?) and they’re all yelling, “Daddy! Daddy!” That’s not creepy at all. What Is creepy is when he introduces himself to Julina and it’s as if he’s eyeing her to be his own wife.

MM officially ties the knot with her old guy husband, in a creepy way which involves dresses that look like Lane Kim’s from Gilmore Girls before Lorelai altered it. What’s even worse is that the guy’s latest wife, so his third, is the one that “gives away” the new wife. Polygamy, y’all.

Julina meets Ryder

Per my research, this movie was actually supposed to be titled Ryder and Julina, but because it’s on Lifetime, it has to be called something that’s juuuust scandalous enough to garner your attention. So Ju goes climbing on this big ass mountain and finds Ryder sitting pensively with his shirt all unbuttoned – a big no no in the community. Obviously. Sparks are flying everywhere and at her mother’s ‘wedding’ the two dance all romantic and kiss in the wedding barn.

I’m starting to think that this is a play on Romeo and Juliet except without you know, all the polygamy. Besides the obvious R(omeo/yder) + J(uliet/ulina) similarity, there was a window involved, frequent flirty glances at each other, etc. etc. Not related to R+J, but they are communicating by cell phone. Like a flip phone with T9. What year is it??? And are they allowed to have cell phones??

After an awkward inappropriate hair touching scene in a church service, we find out that Ryder is The Prophet’s son. Ah, star-crossed lovers if you will. To make matters worse, The Proph tells his Ryder that God told him he’s the next in line to be The Proph but he clearly doesn’t like this news…

The Revelation

In a really unsurprisingly turn of events, creepy Proph tells Ju that God has sent her to Hillcreek for a reason – to be his next wife. FYI she’s like 16.

Obvs, Ju starts to freak out and goes to Ryder for help, but his efforts seem wasted. He goes to confront his dad about this new revelation, and The Proph doesn’t back down (and even slaps his son), telling him that he and Julina are moving down to Mexico to start a new community. Mexico? Really? Because starting a polygamist community in Mexico is exactly what the country needs right now.

The Proposal

Both The Proph and MM are soooo gung ho about this new venture, so much so that Ju’s supposed to get married in ONE WEEK. Listen, you can take all the 200+ family members in this family and still wouldn’t be able to pull that off. I guess under these standards, all you need is a nasty wedding dress and a barn. Are barns like symbolic of something in the polygamist world or something?

Anyways, to try to stop the marriage, Ryder proposes to Ju and she says yes. They then seem to have their ‘wedding’ later that night in the same barn, but pretty sure it’s not legal since there is no officiant and no witnesses. Then they have sex and a bed suddenly appears. Taking a page right out of The Notebook, folks (if that empty house was a barn).

One of Ju’s sisters, Esther, creeps on them in the barn, saying ‘it’s a sin!’ before running away like a little bitch. Loose lips sink ships, Esther.

And a Baby Makes Three (or 20)

Shit’s going down now. The next day, Esther runs to Ju, and while she’s trying to convince her not to tell anyone about her and Ryder, there’s a cut to Esther’s feet and water coming down it. Um, yeah. she’s pregnant (note, Esther is also 16 years old-ish). She says, “The Prophet’s blessed us both now. Once he sees this baby, maybe he’ll take me for his next wife. Don’t tell him I want it to be a surprise.”

what the what??

Esther is legit hemorrhaging because of this baby, and The Proph comes in, says they can’t take her to the hospital. Basically, he’s all save the baby, idec about Esther. Hey how about we address the fact that you committed statutory rape?? Unfortunately his wish came true and Esther dies while her baby girl has to live in this messed up family.

Parenting 101

The Proph takes Ryder on a long ass road trip to the middle of no where and leaves him there because he finds out about Ryder and Ju (thanks, Esther). The Proph tells him that ‘Julina must give birth to a prophet a prophet he’ll never be.’ Yeah, okay that sounds like a great idea.

The Proph drives off to conduct the memorial service for Esther, and has the balls to blame it on someone else. “Help us learn our lesson from this immoral girl and the wicked boy who seduced her into sin.” Aka me. I seduced her into sin. He’s an asshole, basically.

Ju is NOT happy about that and ran the eff out of there. When confronted by The Proph, he tries to kiss her and she pushes him off and runs to her house to pack her bags and leave for good. Except some large men say she attacked The Proph and drag her away to The Proph’s house and won’t let her leave.

Sin City

Meanwhile Ryder is still on his Moses walk through the deserts of Utah, and somehow finds himself in Las Vegas. They filmed this scene as if he’s on an acid trip or something, because honestly it would probably be like that if you went from polygamy country to Sin City.

Earlier in the movie, Ryder shows off this postcard of the Welcome to Las Vegas sign from his friend Micah. So he finds the sign that’s in a “sketchy neighborhood” (in reality it’s on a meridian at the end of The Strip and not sketchy at all), and starts knocking on doors until he finds Micah. Because this is the movies, it’s the third door he knocks on. And also because it’s the movies, this guy is a third rate version of Emile Hirsch and Shane West put together.

Micah had a similar situation in that he didn’t run away from the community, but The Proph got a couple of guys to beat him up and drop him off in the middle of nowhere, and that’s how he got to Las Vegas. Also, Micah might be gay, which I’m assuming is also a big no no in their community. Ok he actually might be a male prostitute after he ‘jokingly’ came on to Ryder and took a line of coke. Not that doing coke and being gay is mutually exclusive.

The Escape (from Polygamy)

Micah agrees to help Ryder by going back to Hillcreek and save Ju from marrying The Proph, despite an outcry from some guy who says he runs an organization for ‘lost boys.’ They head back and Micah is the one who’s gonna sneak in and get Ju. He creeps in and doesn’t see her in her room, because she’s in the corner with her wedding dress bawling her eyes out.

Ju, probably. If should could drink.

MM wants to say goodbye to Ju before The Proph marries her and takes her to Mexico, and after a few stern ‘No’ from him, he finally agrees…

Which is good timing because Ju just ripped a piece of her wedding dress off to hang herself with. MM walks in and sees her lifeless body, and they take her body out and put it in the back of a pickup truck.

Micah sees this, but some of the guys catch him lurking and run after him. They catch him and bring him back to talk to The Proph, who tells his thugs to send him to “the canyon” which is obviously the place where people go to die. Micah escapes yet again but this time he is stopped by old man – the guy Ju’s mom is married to, whose first wife is Micah’s mom. make sense?

Ryder, who knows nothing about Ju yet, hears someone coming to the barn and it’s The Proph who attacks him with a metal bar, telling him it was his fault he didn’t stay away from Ju when he said to and now she’s dead. Just as he’s about to hit him and kill him for good, Ju comes running in – because PLOT TWIST her mom made her fake her death so she could leave the community – and The Proph is all “I thought you were dead” and she was all, “Well Jesus isn’t the only one who can rise from the dead!” (<- not verbatim) She’s about to hit him when old guy shoots him with a gun and Ryder miraculously wakes up. SHAKESPEARE.

The Aftermath

With The Proph dead, old guy turns into the next Prophet, but he decides to make the community all wholesome again, and only do the polygamy thing. Micah is apparently accepted back into family, essentially giving up his dreams and day job of being a gay prostitute? TBH, I’d rather be a gay prostitute.

MM willingly takes Ju and Ryder to meet the lost boys guy to meet in the middle of the desert so they can live a life together in peace.

Random Thoughts:

“This whole thing’s crazy.” um yes, it is.

“t’s a sin…” “So let me sin again.” Shakespeare? Is that you? I used to watch Romeo + Juliet at least once a week when I was in sixth grade, don’t even play.

The music in this movie is akin to the stuff you would hear in a coffee shop in a small town or like Providence, Rhode Island near all the Brown students. Or if you turned on the Coffee House station on Sirius XM. Or if you put together all the Best Of songs from Zach Braff’s movies.

15Jul2013

Live Blog: SHARKNADO!

Posted in Live Blogs by Traci

I want to apologize if it looked like I was yelling at you in the title, but I really see no other way to type SHARKNADO other than in all caps.

The movie starts off literally with a tornado of sharks over the ocean. like the tagline says, “Enough said.”

Apparently we’re getting a brief preface before the “real” action happens. 20 miles off Mexico in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, there is hardass Captain who has caught a bunch of sharks and cut off their fins. He’s trying to sell them off to an Asian man who is going to use them for shark fin soup. Contrary to the fact that I am Asian, I honestly would never have known that this is a thing that a lot of Chinese restaurants sell. Like they literally cut off the shark fins, let the sharks die, and then stick the fins in some soup. Why do I know this? Because Kyle Chandler was on Ellen talking about how his daughter is on a crusade to stop Chinese restaurants in Texas from selling said soup. Coach is still teaching us life lessons, y’all. But is this supposed to be like a subliminal message telling us shark finning is bad? Is this movie sponsored by Oceana? Because it’s working.

Legitimate question – are there really this many sharks off the coast of Mexico? Why is there a dense population of sharks there? Because if so, remind me to never go there while out on my ~~shark finning~~ scuba diving crusades.

The hardass Captain in the middle of the stormy ocean gets enveloped by the SHARKNADO, then immediately cuts to a sunny shot of the Santa Monica pier and Tara Reid’s name in the credits. THE MOST JARRING SCENE CHANGE EVER.

Also, this takes place in Los Angeles?!? GREAT. Good thing I live far enough away from the water to immediately get attacked by sharks. And Ian Ziering.

Speaking of Ian Ziering, he owns a bar right at the end of the Santa Monica pier called Fin, and the locals are watching the news, where they report that a storm’s a brewin and its name is Hurricane David…. And the guy at the bar who just grabbed the butt of the ‘sexy’ waitress looks oddly familiar. OH IT’S BECAUSE HE’S THE DAD FROM HOME ALONE. And unfortunately, the creepy guy character actually suits him.

Meanwhile, Ian is out surfing when the girl he’s flirting with suddenly gets eaten by a shark. He’s legit yelling, “SHARKS, GET OUT OF THE WATER! SHARKS!” to everyone on the beach yet no one is listening to him. These bitches are being eaten left and right. You really should’ve listened to Steve Sanders when you had the chance.

HOLD UP. IAN ZIERING’S NAME IN THIS MOVIE IS FIN? HAHAHAHAHAHA

The TV reporter says, “Global warming is DEFINITELY the cause of this event.” Again, is there an underlying message here SyFy? They’re all, “Yes, save the sharks but also, remember that global warming is really a thing.” Is Al Gore the secret exec producer on this?

And Tara Reid makes her first appearance. God, I don’t think I’ve seen her in anything since Josie and the Pussycats. Nope, I’ve seen American Reunion. Let’s just say Josie and the Pussycats because what a gem of a movie that is.

A huge wave engulfs the Santa Monica pier and suddenly the ‘sexy’ waitress, whose name is NOVA has a gun. Like one of those big guns that’s bigger than a rifle. I’m not a gun affeciando, so trust on this. But where did she find a gun on the pier?? The only thing you would find washed up on the pier frreal would be caricatures of tourists from Wisconsin and maybe that huge snake that one homeless guy lets people pet for free.

Oh great the ferris wheel detached from the pier and is rolling directly down the road, because if sharks flying through the air weren’t enough, here’s a ton of metal about to land on your person.

Ian/Steve/Fin, along with Grabby Mr. McAllister, Nova, and Fin’s Australian BFF (who was bit by a shark earlier but managed to survive), get in his Jeep wrangler and head for Beverly Hills so Fin can check on his ex-wife and daughter. However it’s now raining and the water falling on this car is so incredibly fake that it looks like they’re going through a $1 car wash.

They decide to take the 405, but there’s traffic. Surprise surprise. It’s even worse when there’s a sea of sharks on the freeway. SHARKMAGEDDON, AMIRITE L.A.??

Grabby McAllister is clearly wasted because he spends his days at Fin’s bar, so when they reach a point on the 405 where they can’t go any farther and can see a wave of sharks is about to come at them, Fin tries to help the stranded drivers run to safety (?). However Grabby McAllister mumbles, “There are sharks out there. You don’t have to go out there. There’s no reason to go out there!” And suddenly he’s the only person that makes sense.

Ok so Nova has a gun, but Grabby McAllister had to bring his beloved stool from the bar and use it as a weapon?? He helps a woman whose dog is trapped in her car (which doesn’t make sense, because why would she lock her dog in the car without taking her keys) by shattering the glass with his bar stool. Woman and her beloved dog make it out, but Grabs McAllister doesn’t have the same luck – a shark comes flying at him and another one bites the dust.

Another question – Fin and the gang see a huge wave come over the freeway, but somehow, the water isn’t going down the ramp they’re on. This doesn’t make sense. I know I’m trying to find logic in a movie called SHARKNADO, but still!

They finally make it to Tara Reid’s house in BH, but she won’t let them in because she doesn’t believe that sharks are taking over the city. All of a sudden, a shark shoots up through a sewer and Nova just shoots it like a clay pigeon. Tara Reid finally believes their warning.

Good lord the acting on this… is … incomparable. The only thing worse is the writing. And the CGI. And Tara Reid’s face.

this is my ‘concerned for our lives bc sharks are flying from the sky’ face

Water floods into Tara Reid’s house and into the foyer, leaving the gang plus Tara and Fin’s daughter stuck on the stairs. Oh, Tara had an asshole boyfriend who Fin tried to help but got eaten by a shark circling the foyer waters.

They decide they need to go get their son, Matt, who is in flight school in Van Nuys, which is in the valley near me, where obviously the sharks can’t reach us. And is there really a flight school in Van Nuys?

Explain to me how their entire foyer became a pool of bloody water but they all escaped without letting any water out or being covered in bloody water. And also explain how their entire home just fell to bits, but the house next to it looks fine.

Just remembered that Nova has a scar on her upper leg, which makes me think she’s been in a similar shark situation before, and will probably come up later in the movie in some fascinating revelation.

Tara Reid just picked up her purse and told Siri to call Matt. HOW DO YOU HAVE YOUR PURSE ON YOUR PERSON RIGHT NOW.

On their way to Van Nuys, they see a school bus, and Fin wants to stop and see if they need help. But Tara exclaims, “You care more about other people than you do your family!” AH HA! A protagonist flaw that will most likely be resolved by the end of the movie!

“The water’s rising, I’m gonna go up to the bridge and repel down.” – Fin. Again, How do you have these random tools handy?? Fin’s response: “Semper Paratus” which means “Always Prepared” in Latin. Uh okay. But luckily he manages to save a bus full of 20 kids by repelling each of them up by a pulley system, including the bus driver who is clearly over this shit because he tells Fin he moved to L.A. to become an actor, and he did not see this the way his life would end.

The wind from the hurricane has caused the Hollywood sign letters to fly off the mountain and are heading directly towards them. Yeah, the bus driver/actor is def going to die by these letters. “My mom always told me Hollywood would kill me.” – Bus driver’s last words before a huge chunk of metal, presumably an O, pretty much slices him in half. Again, sharks aren’t the only thing that can kill you during a SHARKNADO.

A overhead shot flies over downtown Los Angeles, and you can randomly see sharks flipping about on helicopter pads on roofs. Foreshadowing?

Annndd their car blew up from all the flooding, or maybe it was the shark that literally blew through the roof of their car (see, foreshadowing!) but Nova killed it off with her gun.

They finally reach Van Nuys where Matt’s flight school is, and also conveniently located next to a movie prop warehouse specializing in cars. Naturally, they steal a Hummer. A Hummer with a “Nitrous” button. Is that even a real thing?

The gang finds Matt who looks extremely familiar yet again. And I realize that I recognize him as jock Van Dyke on the short-lived Jonas show on the Disney Channel. I would be embarassed by this but I have no shame. Incidentally, he was also in the new version of 90210 as well as American Reunion.

Jonas wasn’t a period piece.

The SHARKNADO comes to Van Nuys (!) and they hide in a mini bunker, but there’s no real door so Fin has to hold a scrap piece of metal to protect them… I find it hard to believe they would survive high winds like that, when Matt’s flight school teacher legit just got sucked up through the ceiling of the hanger and into the SHARKNADO.

They find a helicopter outside that was definitely not there before, and there are too many people for them to all get out of the city via chopper, not to mention the fact that it’s probably not ideal to fly during tornado/hurricane conditions. So Fin says, “We’re gonna stand and fight!”

Van Nuys just happens to have everything they need, because they find a surplus store with chainsaws and tools to make bombs…With chainsaws and bombs apparently.

The surplus store is where everyone’s feelings and emotions come out, because Fin and his daughter have a forced touching moment between each other that makes me yearn for the corny Danny Tanner talks with his girls.

Nova is finally revealing the story behind the mysterious scar to Matt. Like expected, she tells some sob story about how when she was a kid, she went out in the water with her grandfather when she was attacked on the leg, but her grandfather and the five other people on the boat died because of the sharks. “I really hate sharks.”

Let me get this straight these people are going to single handedly equalize the tornado by throwing bombs into it and also kill the sharks? I don’t know whether this is based on science or another made up thing by the SyFy channel.

Fin is literally just shooting at the sharks with a shotgun. Straight up pointing it up in the air to the flying sharks coming out of the SHARKNADO and killing them with a shotgun.

So that bomb thing worked. Is this something we should train or military to do in the future in the event something like this actually happens?

Fin just sliced an incoming shark with a saw. He held up the saw like Rafiki in The Lion King and the shark split in half.

Next to the flight school is a retirement home, and the old folks are outside in the pool. Do they not see what kind of shit is going down next door?

Ugh just realized how big of a cleanup this will be for the city of Los Angeles. Then realized this is a movie, not real life. Yet.

Matt’s flight school friend has his arm bit off by a shark, and if that isn’t bad enough, when he falls over and dies, another shark falls from the sky and lands on top of him. I cannot help but laugh at this.

Meanwhile, Matt and Nova are still up in the helicopter hovering near the SHARKNADO gearing up to throw the homemade bombs into the cyclone. On her last bomb, Nova gets caught by a shark, she falls out of the helicopter, and it eventually eats her. RIP. Matt’s obviously in shock, so he has some struggs landing the chopper, much to Fin’s distress.

Fin decides to take matters into his own hands to kill the last SHARKNADO. He takes out the Hummer that Aussie BFF (who also got attacked by a flying shark and died) loaded with bombs, and drives it up to the hills (For the record, the geography of this movie isn’t making sense, because there are no hills in Van Nuys and it’s bothering me). Fin has perfect timing as he drives to the top of the windy hill, as the SHARKNADO hovers right next to it. He lights the bombs in the car, presses the NITROUS BUTTON, jumps out, and the Hummer flies into the SHARKNADO, making the last one dissipate. Except for the fact that hundreds of dead sharks are now falling from the sky and into the LA streets.

OH MY GOD I LITERALLY HAVEN’T TYPED FOR LIKE THE LAST 10 MINUTES OF THE MOVIE BECAUSE IT WAS ACTUALLY SUSPENSEFUL AND WTF HAHAHAHA

Matt tries to give Nova CPR, and it works. Her first words are “I really hate sharks,” as she flashes her perfect fake eyelashes.

Tara Reid literally wipes the blood off Fin’s mouth kisses him. If you didn’t feel like vomiting before… you will now.

This is how they end the entire movie: TOUCHE, SHARKNADO FILM MAKERS. TOUCHE.

Favorite quotes:

“Don’t you ever make fun of my stool again.” Grabby McAllister
“What the hell, there are sharks in the street!” Nova, the sharpest tool in the shed
“That’s a tiger shark.” Nova “How do you know that?” Fin “Shark week?” Nova, educated broad
“It’s just a little wahtah (water), typical California is afraid of the rain?!” guy on the 405 who may be from Boston but it’s hard to tell with his horrible accent.
“Looks like it’s that time of the month.” – Aussie BFF after Tara Reid’s BF is killed in the bloody waters in her house’s foyer
“Take the 10 to the 405 and you’re in Beverly Hills” – Grabby McAllister doing his best Californians impression

5Jul2013

Live Blog: Yeezus First Listen

Posted in Entertainment, Live Blogs by Traci

Alright, y’all. I’m not a music critic by any means. I think if you know me and/or keep track of my choices for our monthly playlists, my music interests are questionable at best. So I thought it might be fun to live blog my first experience of listening to Kanye West’s newest album, Yeezus.

I’ve heard a few of the tracks before, but not the album in its entirety, so we’ll see how this goes. For the record, I’m more of a The College Dropout, Late Registration, Graduation – even My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy type fan, so it should be interesting to hear this new EDM type direction he’s going. Leggoooo-

On Sight

I already feel like I’m about to play Lazer Tag. Midway through the song there’s a chorus of children randomly singing, and I’m surprisingly okay with it.

Fave Lyric:

Chopped em both down
Don’t judge ’em Joe Brown
One last announcement
No sports bra, lets keep it bouncin

Black Skinhead

Is this a sample of Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson? (Answer is yes) I actually really like this jungle/tribal feel going on. He’s feeling exceptionally angry towards the end saying, ‘GOD’. About to go into battle with the haters, perhaps?

Fave Lyric:

I keep it 300, like the Romans
300 bitches, where’s the trojans?

I Am A God

Ugh, lyrics of this song are why people hate you, Kanye. It’s why I find you annoying, but like you because you make good music. It’s frustrating. It also sounds like a continuation of him being chased after or going into battle in Black Skinhead.

Fave Lyric:

Hurry up with my damn croissants

(fave lyric ever in the history of music. It also reminds me of the greatest quote from Veep!)

New Slaves

This track is scarily simplistic with it’s beats, but Ye’s raps more than make up for it. Again with the randomly breaking it with a slow jam. Except this time it lasts more than 10 seconds and goes until the end of the song. I like it.

Fave Lyric:

You see it’s leaders and there’s followers
But I’d rather be a dick than a swallower

I’m about to wild the fuck out
I’m going Bobby Boucher

Hold My Liquor

Oh hey Bon Iver! I feel like if I was suddenly kidnapped, blindfolded and sedated, I would wake up in a room with no windows, all black walls, with this song blasting in the speakers. It already sounds like someone who’s high (or drunk, if you will) so the disorientation from the kidnapping makes complete sense. I don’t know what this says about me (or Kanye), but I clearly need some psychological evaluations done. Either way – this is track may be one of my faves, especially with the instrumentals at the end. Again, what is wrong with me? Anyone?

Fave Lyric:

One cold night in October
Pussy had me floating
Feel like Deepak Chopra
Pussy had me dead
Might call 2Pac over

I’m In It

Whoa this is strangely hot… and then the reggae came chimes in. He sounds like Shaggy almost? Guys what happened to Shaggy if this isn’t him?? Oh lawd the sound after he says, ‘Then she came like…’ HAHAHA was that supposed to be hilarious, or was that just me?

Fave Lyric:

Uh, my mind move like a Tron bike
Uh, pop a wheelie on the Zeitgeist
Uh, I’m finna start a new movement
Uh, being led by the drums
Uh, I’m a rap-lic priest
Uh, getting head by the nuns

Blood on the Leaves

808s and Heartbreak autotune? I mean, okay. Is this an Amy Winehouse sample? No, it’s Nina Simone. Sorry, Nina Simone. Conveniently I found this list of all of the samples Ye used in the record. I feel like there’s something missing in the instrumentals… and I also feel like this song is 1 minute too long. Maybe because it’s 6 MINUTES.

Fave Lyric:
She Instagram herself like #BadBitchAlert He Instagram his watch like #MadRichAlert

Guilt Trip

Again with the auto tune? And like video game sounds now? I feel like I’m on some kind of creepy haunted carnival ride, specifically a carousel, more specifically, the one that Nick and Jessica ride in the Where You Are video.

Fave Lyric:
She lookin’ for her daddy, call me Big Poppa
On to the next saga
Focus on the future and let the crew knock her
Star Wars fur, yeah I’m rockin’ Chewbacca

Send It Up

Ok, I’m like a little scared of this song, but strangely turned on a little? Is that weird? Does that say a lot about me? Forget I said anything.

Fave Lyric:
She say “Can you get my friends in the club?”
I say “Can you get my Benz in the club?”
If not, treat your friends like my Benz
Park they ass outside ’til the evening end

Bound 2

Yes. Motown type samps in the beginning? Count me in. I think this might be my fave song? If not second fave? It’s a great song to end the record with.

Fave Lyric:
Rock Forever 21 but just turned thirty

Overall:

My greatest takeaway from this album is that I don’t understand half of what Kanye’s talking about. I’m not sure if that’s because I’m not as hip as I used to be or Ye’s not making sense or a combination of both. I feel like he’s gotten angrier as the years go on, and I’m not a fan of that. It’s no College Dropout, but decent none the less.

2Jul2013

Liveblog: Anna Nicole

Posted in Entertainment, Live Blogs by Molly

Because if I’m going to watch a Lifetime movie about Anna Nicole Smith, I’m bringing all of you down with me:

Before it even starts, the promo features a minor key rendition of Fame (baby remember my name..) and it shouldn’t be hilarious but it is. It sounds like Fame as played by a musical baby toy that needs new batteries.

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. The film opens with Anna Nicole explaining that she is from Mexia Texas. My grandpa was born in Mexia and nobody has ever heard of it, ever. I usually just say “outside of Houston.” Anna Nicole explains that nobody pronounces it right, and she’s probably correct because I forget how you say it already. So… let’s just say that Anna Nicole is from outside of Houston.

I got curious and looked up Mexia. It’s actually a located such that it’s a 1.5 – 2.5 hour drive from Houston, Austin, Dallas, and Fort Worth. If they don’t use that as a selling point yet they probably should.

Cut to dead Anna Nicole doing a voiceover while lying on a coroner’s slab. When I was a kid, a girl went missing in my city. In the scariest dream I ever had, she was narrating her death to me from inside a water tank. Then months later they FOUND HER IN REAL LIFE INSIDE A GOD-DAMN WATER TANK. Anyway, narrations by a dead person are my least favorite plot device, thanks to that one.

The font for the credits is really atrocious, even by Lifetime standards. It looks like the cover of a Lurlene McDaniel book.

Lurlene McDaniel? All those books about teens dying of cancer in the 80s?

NO. NO NO NO. Little A.N. (Vicky Lynne at the time. Vickie Lynn? Vikki Linn?) lovingly traces the cover of a Playboy magazine featuring Marilyn Monroe. Then, a Marilyn-esque version of Vickie’s adult self appears to her in the mirror. So if you want to avert tragedy, don’t let you daughter become obsessed with Marilyn Monroe. Maybe show her some Ask Amy vids instead.
Note: Little A.N.’s mom is the victim of domestic violence and that probably did a lot more to screw her up than Marilyn-worship, to be serious.

Unintentional hilarity from 13-yr-old Anna: “I ain’t gonna have a baby, Mama, I just wanna go bowlin'”. I think we all know where bowling leads…

Older teen Anna has a baby. Why do you think they were so fired up about bowling in that number from Grease 2?

Anna Nicole is in a strip club applying for work because this is a film based on the song What Would You Do by City High.

Fact without judgment: Mirror Anna is back and each of her boobs is bigger than my head. I’m kind of surprised they’re not those weird 90s boobs? Remember the implants they used to do that were so far apart you could fit a whole third boob in the middle? Maybe that was the point: room for expansion.

Fact without judgment part 2: Anna, wearing overalls, practices her pole moves in the park with her toddler son.

Anna is at the plastic surgeon and they ask her to describe her ideal boob size in terms of fruit. I thought the fruit comparison was only for fetuses (your baby is two months along and is the size of a kumquat!). Anna wants bowling ball-sized tatas, and makes it rain on the plastic surgeon’s desk. Dolla dolla bills.

I seriously cannot and will not judge stripper Anna. She’s buying a house with lots of rooms and a pool. I have nowhere near that kind of cash yet. Way to go, Vickie.

It’s only been 15 minutes and I’m already bored out of my mind.

Anna gives a Lifetime-movie-quality lap dance. So I’m not a man, and maybe that’s why, but I have so much trouble understanding the appeal of a lap dance. It seems like it would be more frustrating than anything? Like someone walking in with a big box of pizza then being like here, you can hold this slice of pizza for 5 minutes, then I’m taking it away. What is the point?

I want some pizza.

Somebody PLEASE make a .gif of Anna’s old man future husband’s face while she’s stripping? He’s smiling so wide and big-eyed that he looks like a Muppet.
Anna and Paw Paw Marshall IRL. My stomach hurts from this pairing and my head hurts from Anna’s dress, which was part of a short-lived fashion line from the publishers of Magic Eye.

Anna’s future husband is that particularly gross kind of old man. He looks like he was created by culturing a scab from one gross old man’s skin in a petri dish until it generated a whole new, crusty person.

Old Man Marshall bequeaths Anna his ranch provided she “be intimate.” Aw, Jesus. This whole thing is the worst already. Also that contract is not at all legally binding. Meretricious services are not valid consideration!

Anna and Old Man Marshall seem happy with each other in a weird way, so whatever, if it works it works. I just keep getting skeeved out though. Was J. Howard Marshall a sketchball in real life or is this something Lifetime is doing? As usual, Martin Landau is excellent, though. His skin looks like paper you found in a sewer drain then left in the sun to dry up.

Someone scary offers Anna Nicole some drugs. It plays out like those drug offers we always saw in school videos from the ’90s. Only thing I’m surprised at is the drugs don’t look more like candy. Those videos always made drugs look like delicious candy, and I always thought well, who would say not to that?
Also kids, if you do drugs then all of your favorite cartoon characters will come hang out with you!

Anna Nicole’s star is on the rise — but if you want to see a really good “star on the rise” montage, you should watch Evita instead.

Anna Nicole is giving out Nascar trophies which in certain circles probably denotes success.

A crowd starts cheering on a drunk Anna, who flashes them, and I start to feel horribly uncomfortable. Not to leave you hanging, but I might not make it through the liveblog. Then the child actor playing her son Danny confronts Anna Nicole about her drug use, and I really consider turning the movie off. So we used Anna Nicole’s struggles as entertainment when she was alive and now we’re doing it when she’s dead. This is just rotten.

Anna Nicole marries Old Man Marshall. Oddly, the scenes of her dancing with him are the saddest thing yet. Thanks to early poverty and drug addiction, it was Anna Nicole’s best option at the time. I truly didn’t expect to get so bummed out by this whole thing, I’m sorry.
And it was every bit as depressing in real life, too.

Anna is hovering her boobs at her dying old husband’s face. He says “is that you, mother?” I laugh and I laugh.

Did Anna and Danny really do a terrible, off-key rendition of Amazing Grace at Old Man Marshall’s funeral with her in her wedding dress? I assume yes because that detail is too wacky to make up. I bet J. Howard was so happy he was already dead for that.

Yes! We’re at the part where Anna Nicole has an E! Reality Show. This is what I was waiting for. I probably could have just found some old episodes on YouTube instead of watching this.

Remember Juicy tracksuits you guys?

My favorite thing about the Anna Nicole franchise – other than hating on the scary, scary weight loss drugs she shilled – was her show’s theme song. Anna Anna Fabulous Anna… I’m assuming Lifetime didn’t get clearance to use it.

Adult A.N. sees Kid A.N. in the mirror. Never before have I seen a TV movie that owed so much to the sleepover game Bloody Mary.

The guy they got to play Howard K. Stern (Adam Goldberg) really does look like him. As an aside, Anna Nicole Smith is played by Agnes Bruckner, who I’m not at all familiar with. She’s not half bad, though. In other casting news, Cary Elwes plays Old Man Marshall’s son.

Yes! The “trim spa baby!” commercial is on. Ugh, 2006.

Anna Nicole’s mom LOVES wearing robes. Love love loves it.

Anna wants to “make a baby” with Howard. Well you BETTER GET BOWLING, woman! Do you all remember the big Dannielynn paternity debacle? I think Larry Birkhead is the better sperm donor, overall. Looks-wise, I mean.

I love the Larry Birkhead wig Lifetime has. Needs a few more highlights, though. Howard listens to Larry and Anna having sex through the wall but the only thing I can pay attention to is Howard’s GIANT laptop. Were laptops really that big in 2007?

In one of my favorite cross-sections of American life, not only did the Supreme Court consider Anna Nicole’s claim against “Paw Paw’s” estate, but Ruth Bader Ginsburg delivered the opinion. RUTH! There was a procedural hot-damn-mess for years after, BTW. SCOTUS revisited the case in 2011 and Roberts wrote the sassiest opinion!

Danny says “wake up and smell the flowers, Mom!” Wow. It’s been a minute since I’ve heard that phrase. Actually, isn’t it “smell the roses?” Or am I thinking of “stop and smell the roses?”

Iconic Anna moment: Anna is painted like a scary clown, cuddles a doll as though it is a real child, and dismisses her pregnancy as “just gas.” God, don’t you remember being so terrified when you saw that video? Only watch this if you are in the mood to get really, horribly angry at the people who surrounded Anna. Except Riley. Riley tried, bless her little heart.

Danny has a trucker hat on. Nice nod to mid-2000s authenticity.

Two people have to die in the next nine minutes.

Anna Nicole says she’s naming the baby Dannielynn. I thought she named it something else then changed it after her son died? I can really distinctly remember reading a gossip magazine on an elliptical in my college gym and learning that little fact.

Now Anna blames her mom for not letting her go bowling, so I guess I read that one wrong. Bowling is maybe really good birth control? Actually that sounds about right, yeah.

RIP Vickie Lynn. If this Lifetime movie tells us one thing, it’s that you never had a shot. And for the last two hours, really, neither did we.

Preshow

Tina Fey And Amy Poehler’s Lee Daniels’ The Butler Golden Globe Awards

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

BEST ORIGINAL SONG – MOTION PICTURE

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

BEST DIRECTOR – MOTION PICTURE

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

Best Motion Picture, Drama

Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

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{originally posted july 15th}

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