The 18th season of America’s guilty pleasure show, The Bachelor, came to a confusing, anti-climatic, aggravating end on Monday, and you can thank this guy for that. A 32 year old born to Venezuelan parents in Ithaca, New York, he went to college in our hometown of Rochester, New York, where he played soccer. He consequently went pro, playing for teams I don’t know the name of and don’t care enough to look up. He has an accent, a young daughter, six-pack abs, and is the very first ‘minority’ Bachelor. So on paper he sounds like a great catch.
Even if you don’t watch this show (which, believe me, I applaud you if you haven’t given in yet), you may have seen on the internetz that this guy made a lot of people angry and has even been called ‘the worst Bachelor in the history of the series’. He had a lot of strikes against him and it only built up throughout the season. But now that he’s finally relieved of his title, here’s a handy guide on how to not be the next ‘worst Bachelor’ for whoever ends up as the lucky guy next.
Rule # Juan (see what I did there) : Be open to the whole ‘Bachelor’ process
Finding your potential wife/husband on national TV is weird. It’s really fucking weird. And let’s face it, the success rate is not that high. Out of the 18 seasons of The Bachelor, only one (Sean Lowe, best Bach ever) married the ‘winner’. And as for Bachelorettes, out of nine seasons, two are married (Trista and Ashley) and one (Desiree) is still engaged. However, with all of these couples, it has worked because the Bachelor/Bachelorette has gone in with an open mind and completely gave in to the process of possibly falling in love. You really can’t go into the show being scared and unwilling to let your guard down, otherwise you’re wasting everyone’s time. Not only are you not letting yourself be open to romance, but it doesn’t really provide for a good television show, production wise. People watch this show to see a love story, even if it doesn’t end in a proposal. The good Bachelor/ettes are totally down for meeting 25+ single people in one night, handing out roses in corny ceremonies, going on group dates, going on two-on-one dates and going on absolutely lame and embarrassing dates.
^In which the men of season 8 try to impress Emily wearing kilts & participating in traditional Irish games. In Croatia. Also, RIP Emily & Jef. ^
Not to mention, you have to be willing to talk about what you’re going through. This is a TELEVISION SHOW. Do NOT expect people to just guess or assume what you’re thinking. You can’t just sit there and stare at the camera, or give a close-ended answer (i.e. use the improv rule of ‘Yes, and’ so there’s always something more to talk about). Throughout the entire season, we never really got a real feeling of how Juan Pablo felt about the girls. Except when he complimented the ladies on their looks or that he ‘really liked’ them. Never once did he say that he was falling in love with any of the girls. I get that if he’s not ready to say he’s in love, then he shouldn’t say it for the sake of it, but JP just flat out refused to talk about his feelings, particularly in the finale.
Example: When host Chris Harrison asked JP straight up whether he was in love with Nikki, he said, “I’m not going to answer that question.”
EXCUSE ME? “I’m not going to answer that question”?! Get the stick up out of your butt and tell everyone how you feel.
Even Nikki, who was interviewed by herself, told Chris that while she said she’s totally in love with him, JP has never said it to her, but that doesn’t matter, because, “It’s not that he doesn’t tell me – it’s like in his actions. I know that he does (love me). I know that he cares about me a lot.” Ay yi yi, Nikki,
Rule # 2: Be careful of what you say/don’t be an idiot
Earlier this season (maybe sometime in ‘Juan-uary’. Really, that’s what ABC called it), a reporter asked JP what he thought about the show having a gay or bisexual bachelor. His response was long winded, but basically he said the phrases, “I don’t think it is a good example for kids to watch that on TV,” and, “There’s this thing about gay people… They’re more pervert in a sense.”
Well… to reiterate, English is not Juan Pablo’s first language. However, he has lived in America most of his life. But of course, JP defended himself by saying, “It was a misuse of a word… It’s been hard because, to me, when I speak English, it happened to me through two months of filming, sometimes the words that I used were not interpreted the way that they should be interpreted, or I used a wrong word. So I will go on my phone, Google and find the right word, and do it that way.”
I’m not fluent or anything, but I’m pretty sure ‘pervert’ in English is ‘pervert’ in Spanish.
Rule #3: Don’t be rude to Chris Harrison
That man is Bachelor Nation royalty. He is the crown jewel of this franchise and you DO NOT mess with him. You are not rude to Chris Harrison, you do not snap at Chris Harrison (clearly a two-namer). But at the live After the Final Rose special on Monday, JP was weirdly condescending to our beloved Chris Harrison and even accused him of cutting him off when he was asking him a question. Being combative and slightly offensive to the heart of The Bachelor is a sure fire way for the entirety of Bachelor Nation to go against you. It’s like ganging up on Oprah or Jennifer Lawrence. You don’t do it.
Rule #4: Don’t sign up for the show if you just want fame
Listen, I realize this is still reality TV. HOWEVER, people can see through that shit. And in turn, it might backfire on your believability, especially as the Bachelor. This show isn’t American Idol, The Voice, Project Runway, any of those type of shows. The main goal isn’t to win a recording contract or a grand prize at the end. It’s not based on material things. It’s based on the ‘winner’ finding a partner and hopefully someone they love and could spend the rest of their life with. It’s based on emotion, so when you’re out there in the world, doing press and seeming utterly ingenuine about the entire experience, it can lead to viewers not tuning in. All I’m saying is all these pix of him with celebs are a little sketchy, no?
Ugh.
Allison Williams LOVES The Bachelor, but is soooo over JP. Preach.
Giving Queen Kerry Washington a rose. In the words of Eli/Rowan Pope: “Run away” Run far away.”
While we’re at it, don’t sign up for endorsement deals while you’re still the Bachelor/Bachelorette. (Side note: SMH at the fact this company in my hometown agreed to do this.)
Rule #5: Be honest, but don’t be a dick
Ah, this is probably the rule that JP broke an ultimately made him one of the most disliked Bachelors ever. Let’s start with Andi. I’m pretty sure JP made Bach history when two girls voluntarily quit the show – and they are both my favorites. In particular, we have Andi, who made it to the final three, and got the infamous ‘Fantasy Suite’. For those who don’t watch the show (kudos for still reading this), the Fantasy Suite allows the Bach and each of his 3 remaining women to spend their first night together without the cameras around. When it came to Andi’s date, apparently it didn’t go so well. She legit called it a “nightmare” and a “disaster”, saying she couldn’t wait to get out of the Fantasy Suite the next morning.
Apparently every time she tried to talk about her feelings or tell stories about herself, JP just turned it back to him, not once asking anything about her or her life. AND he talked about his overnight date with Clare, who I’ll get to in a second. Andi said,”There’s a difference between being honest and being an asshole… I hope he did not think that went well. I really hope he did not think that that was a good date.” Cut to: Juan Pablo telling Chris Harrison the date went amazing. The editing on this show, I tell ya. So good.
So after that, Andi obvs decided to leave, and her confrontation with JP is so odd. Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall. JP keeps talking about being honest, but his honesty comes off as rude and as Andi said, he has no filter. Oh another rule: know that it’s never just “okay”.
Andi aside (PS, she’s the next Bachelorette, and she’s going to be great. I can feel it), we have Clare. Clare turned out to be the runner-up, which isn’t surprising since she and JP had such a ‘connection’ since the first episode. Cast in point, the time they were in Vietnam and Clare snuck out of her hotel to be with JP, and the two did something in the ocean that may or may not have been sex? No one knows because it wasn’t on camera. What we do know is that JP decided to bring it up ON camera, and basically proceeded to slut-shame Clare, saying he regretted it and it was a mistake and he was ashamed for his daughter to see him on his late-night hookup.
AND THEN, on their final date, they had a moment to themselves without the cameras or mics on yet AGAIN, and JP said something to Clare, which she refused to say on the record, but described it as “something that no woman wants to hear. It was insulting, it was offensive and it just made me feel awful.” Yikes. Remember kids, just because it’s off-camera doesn’t mean it won’t go on-camera. And Clare even asked him straight up about their relationship and he was all ‘You’re special to me’ and ‘I can see us having babies’ etc. Then like 2 days later he dumped her.
She stuck to her guns in the end, and told him she would never want her kids to have a father like him, and after she walked away, he said, “Oooh, I’m glad I didn’t pick her. Oof.”
Rule #6: ‘Don’t slap the hand that feeds you’
Catherine, Sean’s new wife and one of my faves, was at the finale with some other Bach alums, and just like the rest of the country, trying to make sense of everything that was happening. One thing was clear was that JP was seemingly throwing the show, ABC, everyone involved except for Nikki under the bus. Catherine said, ‘Don’t slap the hand that feeds you’, a phrase we all know, but Chris Harrison literally had to explain what it meant to JP, because, you know, English isn’t is first language.
Before Catherine’s on point insight, Chris Harrison, who had been teasing a big surprise all night, said to JP, “One of our network executives said that you had a big surprise for tonight,” to which he replied, “Do I have a big surprise? I don’t. This is my secret. I’m here, happy, with Nikki. We’re very happy, both of us. And we’re going to start a relationship from today on.”
… Um, that was definitely not what the surprise was. Chris Harrison later told Entertainment Tonight that after the final rose ceremony in St. Lucia where he picked Nikki, JP told an ABC exec that he would have a ‘big surprise’ on the ATFR, which they expected to be a proposal. I mean resident jeweller Neil Lane was even there, but ABC peeps are reportedly holding on to the ring until JP wants to propose to Nikki. Except by the looks of it, he wants nothing to do with ABC (or Chris Harrison) ever again. There are rumors that JP cancelled their post-show press tour and was butt hurt he wasn’t chosen to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars (like his predecessor Sean), and he was mad about that? But I don’t think that’s true. I think he’s just an ungrateful douchebag. On Tuesday, he posted this video/song dedicated to Nikki with the caption:
Thanks for these
INTERESTING 4 months of HIDING,
now that the CHARACTER of ‘The Bachelor’
is OVER, it is time for US to live our life for REAL.
Te ADORO
Juan Pablo
Did I mention he has a weird thing with capitalizing random words? Also, Te ADORO means ‘I love you’ right? He can say it on a YouTube video, but not on national television?
Chris Harrison said that after the final interview with JP and Nikki at the ATFR special, JP asked Chris, “Are we done?” Chris Harrison said yes, and JP grabbed Nikki’s hand and walked out the door with total silence from the live studio audience. And that is how we want to say our final adios to you too.
Buzzfeed, Tumblr, and your Facebook friends won’t let you forget it, and neither will we: 90s kids are adults now, and we’re all still really, really passionate about the 90s. Can you blame us? The 90s were a great time for kids’ culture. With so many Baby Boomers having children from the late 70s to the mid-90s, there were a lot of us growing up then. The economy hadn’t tanked yet, and 911 was still just an emergency phone number. Nickelodeon was at the forefront of it all, promoting a “pro-kid” culture and presenting kids as cooler and smarter than adults. If people want to blame Millenials for forming a mass internet-culture that older folks can’t penetrate, it all started with Nickelodeon and its ‘us against them’ attitudes.
Today’s TV networks aren’t stupid. They know what Millenials want. That’s why, for every beloved Nickelodeon show from our youth, there is an adult equivalent on the air right now:
Are You Afraid Of The Dark = American Horror Story
Are You Afraid Of The Dark: From the second you heard those creaky swings and eerie theme music, you knew you were in for a scare. The midnight society gathered every week to tell stories and throw some sort of weird sand into a camp fire, and we were right there with them. I watched every week as a five-year-old, even turning off the lights for an extra scare. We liked this show because it didn’t underestimate kids. There were real ghosts, vampires, and murders in Are You Afraid of the Dark – it wasn’t that weak-sauce kid stuff where the creaking in the attic was just a leaky pipe, or the ‘ghost’ was just a beekeeper in a bonnet (I’m looking at you, The Adventures Of Mary Kate And Ashley). If you didn’t love the story one week, you’d just wait until the next Saturday when you’d get a whole new plotline to scare the pants off of you and make you ask your mom if she will let you sleep with the hall light on. That’s right – a children’s horror anthology series. Can you really blame us for missing the 90s?
American Horror Story: Like Are You Afraid Of The Dark, American Horror Story is a spooky anthology. However, to account for adult attention spans, each season tells a different story, instead of each episode. This show touches on all aspects of the horror film genre – psycho killers, ghosts, aliens, nuns, evil doctors, Anne Frank, witches, a pinhead, The Black Dahlia … it’s like a winning hand of Apples To Apples.
An aside: I just finished watching Season 2 of AHS. Somebody told me to start with that one because Coven isn’t on Netflix yet, and Season 1 would scare me more. Now that I’m done, I have to wonder – if Asylum was this freaky, what the hell could possibly happen in Murder House? Don’t worry, I’m starting it this week, because I’m an adult now and I’m in charge of my own hall light.
Clarissa Explains It All = Girls + The New Girl
Clarissa Explains It All:A young woman with ambitions of being a journalist lives in a cooler bedroom than you can imagine having. She is supported by her academic parents. She has constant fallings-out with her brother Ferguson, and the undying support of her buddy Sam. She dresses like a cool hobo. Lots of tights. Clarissa has a creative solution to every problem and gets into a lot of scrapes because she sort of doesn’t think everything through.
Girls: A young woman with ambitions of being a writer lives in a cooler apartment than you can imagine having. She is supported by her academic parents. She has constant fallings out with her friends, yet somehow retains their constant support. She dresses like a cool hobo.
The New Girl: It’s almost like Jess Day and Hannah Horvath are two different versions of how Clarissa could have turned out. Jess and Clarissa have a lot in common. The first word you’d use to describe them is “quirky.” They have wacky clothes. They have a cool home. And – unlike Hannah Horvath – they both have fun, sunny attitudes toward life. So, if Clarissa went to college, became an el-ed major, and held onto her obsession with tights, you have Jess. If Clarissa decided to become a hipster in college, started writing for the school literary mag and reading a lot of McSweeney’s, and went to slightly seedier college parties, she graduated and became Hannah.
Salute Your Shorts = Community
Salute Your Shorts:A group of teens are thrown together for summer camp, and form all of the bonds and rivalries that you’d expect in that kind of close situation. They work both with and against the camp’s administration (counselor Ugg) and truly become a community of their own. There are even themed genre episodes – Zeke The Plumber, everyone? The characters are surprisingly well-developed for a kids’ show, with the jock, nerd, and popular girl presented as being complex people instead of just stereotypes.
Community: A group of adults are thrown together in community college, and through forming a study group, they become a… well, community of their own as well. Like in Salute Your Shorts, there is a love for Greendale Community College, but just like the kids at Camp Anawanna, they also have to work against it sometimes. I don’t think I even need to tell you about the genre episodes. Character development is a big deal on this show, too, and the former athlete and the brainy liberal arts girl aren’t just two-dimensional.
Hey Dude = Brooklyn Nine Nine
Hey Dude: Somehow, a bunch of teenagers are working at a Dude Ranch, because… why not, I suppose? It filled pretty much the exact same niche as Salute Your Shorts, except these kids had JOBS and RESPONSIBILITIES and HORSES. Never underestimate the pull of horses for tween girl viewers.
Brooklyn Nine Nine:This is one sitcom you should be watching if you aren’t already. Equal parts buddy cop (with multiple pairs of cop-buddies), workplace comedy, police procedural (er… kind of) – but with really clever writing an an awesome cast. Like Hey Dude, this is a funny ensemble show that actually shows people doing their jobs. Every kid who grew up watching Salute Your Shorts thinking “ugh, somebody get those irresponsible kids some stalls to muck or cows to lasso” should watch Brooklyn Nine Nine, a workplace show where people actually work.
The Adventures Of Pete And Pete = Parks And Recreation
The Adventures Of Pete And Pete: This show is probably the reason our generation has been into quirky indie comedies since we were in high school. This small-town sitcom is a bit absurd, and centers around two brothers named – you guessed it – Pete and Pete. The show was so matter-of-fact about the weird goings-on of the town that the place became a character unto itself, and the audience accepted all of its weird quirks at face value.
Fun Fact: The Wellsville of Pete and Pete is apparently supposed to be Wellsville, NY. I live about 100 miles from there and have passed through on plenty of trips, and honestly, apart from an annual Balloon Rally it’s not that interesting.
Parks and Recreation: If you grew up loving slightly offbeat comedies about life in a more-than-slightly-offbeat town, you may as well watch Parks as an adult. It’s no secret that we’re big fans of this show around here, but we’ve never stopped to consider that our childhood watching Pete and Pete primed us for this small-town comedy about a group of unusual personalities. Like our favorite redheaded brothers, the folks in Pawnee face situations that are a touch more surreal than you’d see in real life, but the show somehow manages to be more true-to-life than a lot of more ‘realistic’ comedies.
The Secret World Of Alex Mack = Orphan Black
The Secret World Of Alex Mack:How good was this show? So good, right? Alex Mack was a junior high student who was hit with a truck from a chemical plant, and she developed special powers like being able into morph into a puddle of what looked like mercury, moving objects with her mind, and conducting some sort of electrical charge. Alex, with the (sometimes grudging) help of her brainy sister Annie, had to keep her powers on the down low so the folks at the chemical plant wouldn’t find out about her and … well, I’m not sure if we knew what they would do. Experiments, probably.
Orphan Black:Here’s another show about a young ladies who are scientific freaks because of circumstances beyond their control (they’re clones). Once again, they have to escape the clutches of the sketchy Dyad Institute, and creepy Dr. Leekie, who are already collecting samples and monitoring the clones against their will. Like Alex Mack, Orphan Black deals with the ethics of scientific progress. No, really – a major issue ahead is going to be the copyright of human DNA.
Space Cases = Battlestar Gallactica
Space Cases: It’s hard, guys. It’s hard walking around under the burden of being the only person alive who remembers the show Space Cases. It was a short-lived children’s sci-fi show set in space. I think this one is due for a re-watch, if only to revel in the low-budget 90s-ness of it all. Some of the props were evidently things like CDs glued together, and the game Lights Out pasted to the wall. See, things like this are why the Montreal TV industry – and children’s cable sci fi shows – never really took off.
Battlestar Gallactica – I’m positive that this is a sci-fi show with space ships, the future, and I’m pretty sure aliens. Okay, you caught me. I’ve never seen it. But there haven’t been too many outer space-based sci fi shows in recent years, and this is the closest one I could find in the near past. I suppose Stargate Atlantis is another option.
Noozles = Doctor Who
Noozles: According to Wikipedia, this show is 1000% more confusing and screwed-up than I remember it being. But basically, it’s like this: Noozles were adorable koala bears, but only certain people could know that they were actually aliens!
Doctor Who:Doctor Who is an adorable British man, but only certain people can know that he’s actually an alien!
The Mystery Files Of Shelby Woo = Scandal
The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo: Shelby Woo was a ridiculously talented teen who, with the help of a mid-90s PC and her crew of friends, solved mysteries and fought crime. As a mere teenager, Shelby wasn’t officially part of the police department, but we all know that Shelby Woo was the law.
Scandal:Children who grew up without questioning how it was possible to solve mysteries in a short span of time with the help of just an internet connection and a rag-tag crack team of experts – without wondering why the proper law enforcement didn’t just deal with crime itself instead of allowing a non-officer to take the reins — well, those children probably grew up to watch Scandal. Like Shelby Woo, Olivia Pope is able to fix anything – even stuff that technically, we’re pretty sure somebody else should be handling.
Nick News With Linda Ellerbee = 20/20
We love you, Linda. We don’t care what Dawson Leery says.
Nick News:This was a kids’ news magazine which tried to deliver the “who, what, where, when, why and how” of the age to kids whose other main source of news was that Scholastic Weekly Reader that you’d get on Friday afternoons when your teacher had basically given up for the week. To be quite honest, Nick News did an admirable job of it, breaking down issues like presidential elections, the Gulf War, racism, and global warming down to a nine-year-old’s level without condescending. In fact, you can probably thank Nick News, in part, for the environmental “go green” push that’s sweeping the nation. Older adults were just getting into these issues after that Al Gore powerpoint, but us 90s kids grew up hearing about pollution and climate change from one Ms. Linda Ellerbee.
20/20: Well, this one also is able to break news and information down to a nine-year-old’s level. We may have mentioned this before, but both of us watched way more than a normal amount of 20/20 as kids. As a fourth-grader, I stayed up until 11 on Fridays because 20/20 was on at 10. At least these days, 20/20 is light on the news, heavy on the magazine, with a bunch of tiny segments simplifying stories as much as possible. Actually, maybe Nick News was better – at least they didn’t do monthly stories about “places you won’t believe our crew found a lot of germs!”
All That = Saturday Night Live
Okay, this isn’t quite fair. All That was almost certainly intended to be a kids’ version of SNL, so there shouldn’t be any surprise here. But when you consider that today’s 20-somethings grew up watching Kenan Thompson on All That, it is sort of remarkable that we’re watching the same guy on the grown-up version of the show.
I may have been under-supervised as a kid, but I watched a lot of real SNL in the 90s (especially the older stuff), and was struck by how very not funny All That was in comparison. That Lori Beth Denberg sure could deliver the fake news, though.
No that’s not a typo, we really mean 2013. Since it’s technically still Oscars month, we decided to keep the celebration going, with our picks for the best songs from all the *Oscar-eligible* movies from last year.
From Baz Luhrman’s Great Gatsby soundtrack to pretty much all of Llewyn Davis, there were a lot of great tunes on the big screen and these are just a few of ours. Did we miss any of your faves? Let us know below!
Click here to listen to the entire list (most of the songs) on Spotify!
Traci’s Picks
Love is an Open Door by Kristen Bell & Santino Fontana – Frozen
You didn’t think we’d make a list of the best movie songs WITHOUT a song from Frozen, did you? I personally think Let It Go is a fine song, but it’s not my favorite from the whole bunch. I basically switch between this song and For the First Time in Forever when pretending I’m Kristen Bell in my car and belting out these songs. Don’t pretend you don’t too. I’M 28 YEARS OLD, FOLKS.
Over The Love by Florence + The Machine – The Great Gatsby
We mentioned this briefly during the Oscars Live Blog, but we loved The Great Gatsby. Haters to the left. One of the best things about a Baz Luhrman film is that the music will always be top notch. This is no different. One of my favorite tracks from the soundtrack is Florence + The Machine (expect more Gatsby on this list). It’s a haunting song, like more Florence songs, but there’s an elegance to it, much like Gatsby. And I mean it has the words ‘green light’ in it. Come on! Slash Florence make new music kthxbye.
Bad Girls by M.I.A. – The Bling Ring
Perhaps this is an unpopular opinion, but I really liked The Bling Ring. It showed everything that’s wrong with kids (and adults)’ obsession with celebrities and how it can be taken to the extreme. It was like a 2 hour psychology project in film form. This song is perfect for the look and tone of Sofia Coppola’s film, and it always remind me of Emma Watson saying:
Silhouettes by Of Monsters and Men – Catching Fire
While I definitely loved Catching Fire better than The Hunger Games, film wise, I can easily say the first soundtrack was much better than the second. But, this song is an exception – it perfectly encapsuslates Katniss and Peeta’s relationship both in the Games and life outside of it, and Of Monsters and Men does a great job of giving the song an eerie feeling that I assume one would get if ever faced in the Capitol. Especially with President Snow.
Ride Like the Wind by Robin Thicke featuring Ron Burgundy – Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues
When the first Anchorman came out, it was the summer before I was a freshman in college, and I remember thinking it was the funniest movie I had ever seen in my life. I would quote it constantly and listen to Afternoon Delight as like a pasttime. But a lot as changed since 2004. I’d like to think my humor has changed slightly – but I was delightfully surprised when Anchorman 2 came out and while the jokes were much different, the tone was the same and I still couldn’t stop laughing. My face literally hurt afterwards. In saying this, not only do I genuinely like this ‘yacht rock’ track originally by Christopher Cross, but the interjections from Ron are on point. It’s the perfect thing to listen to if you need to brighten your day.
***Special shout out to the best ‘musical moment’ from a movie in 2013 – James Franco & the girls in Spring Breakers. If you’ve seen the movie, you know exactly what scene I’m talking about. If you haven’t, I suggest you should try giving the movie a shot, and this might seem kind of weird and out of place, but it totally works in the movie. Here they are singing Britney Spears’ Everytime.***
Molly’s Picks
Please Mr. Kennedy by Justin Timberlake – Inside Llewyn Davis
I don’t know how this wasn’t nominated for Best Original Song, but I’m sure the Cohen Brothers will find consolation that it made the Cookies + Sangria playlist of the month. This is a satire (well… maybe it feels a bit more like pastiche?) of 60s protest songs, begging President Kennedy not to “shoot me into outer space,” and it is awesome.
100$ Bill by Jay-Z – The Great Gatsby
The Great Gatsby and Frozen were my favorite soundtracks of the year, without a doubt. I love how a lot of the tracks feature jazz horns or riffs from classic old-school songs, but there’s a lot of modern hip hop in there too. Luhrmann’s interpretations are more about the spirit of the material and not the letter of it. Were they listening to Jay-Z in the 20s? … Okay, actually… maybe.
But more importantly, the flappers and sheiks at Jay Gatsby’s crazy parties weren’t listening to the establishment’s music on their Victrola, they were listening to the new and scandalous stuff. Rap and electro are to the 2000s as jazz was to the 1920s. I want to put the whole soundtrack on here, but let’s leave it at this track.
Roll Jordan Roll by John Legend – 12 Years A Slave
12 Years A Slave was scored by Hans Zimmer, but you’d be forgiven for thinking it was a T-Bone Burnett work when you listen to this reworked spiritual. Music is central in 12 Years A Slave, both because of Northrup’s violin skills and the use of music in slave life. Roll Jordan Roll occurs in a pivotal moment in the film, and this great John Legend version was released on the soundtrack – feeling a bit more like one of the Civil Rights-era reinterpretations of classic spirituals. Sad and surprising coincidence: Like Solomon Northrup, some of Legend’s ancestors were also free Northerners who were kidnapped into slavery.
Also, if you are a combination history nerd-music nerd, you should check out this interview with Nicholas Britell, who mined original sources to create music for the film that sounded true to the time period.
Happy by Pharrell Williams – Despicable Me 2
Yes, this song is everywhere. But it’s so infectiously, well, happy. Especially after the all-star dance party to this tune at the Oscars – and my many no-star dance parties to this song with one of my favorite three-year-olds – I can’t help but smile when I hear this.
If I Needed You by The Broken Circle Breakdown Bluegrass Band – The Broken Circle Breakdown
The Belgian bluegrass scene? Yes, it’s real. Just give this movie and soundtrack a shot – it’s the best heartbreaking movie about music since Once. But just a warning: it’s a beautiful film, but very, very sad. If you’re not in a good mental place for that, at least listen to the soundtrack, full of re-imagined Bluegrass and country standards, like this song better known as sung by Townes van Zandt and Emmylou Harris.
For those of you just tuning in to this blog, I write about celebrities for a living. I literally get paid to write news stories about celebrities, movies, music, and basically anything to do with entertainment. But prior to this position, I used to exclusively write about reality TV. My days were filled with picking sides between the Housewives, deciphering Honey Boo Boo’s ramblings, and actually Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
As you probably know, Dancing with the Stars is one of the biggest reality TV shows in America, so I was basically forced to watch it (and all the other shows for that matter). The first couple of seasons I surprisingly found myself getting really into it. Then last season I really couldn’t be bothered and lost interest completely. I’m writing this to say I will not be keeping up with it this season, but I will be writing this post because this year’s crop of ‘celebrities’ is worth talking about (and possibly throwing shade at). Here are the 12 celebrities and their pro partners that will be taking the dance floor starting March 17th, and here is the official completely unofficial ranking of how they’ll fare as ballroom hoofers, from worst to best, last to first.
UPDATE: JUST FOUND OUT THE PARTNERS MIGHT SWITCH PER AUDIENCE VOTE, SO THIS ENTIRE LIST MIGHT BE INVALID. WHATEVER. DEREK HOUGH PROBS GONNA WIN AGAIN ANYWAYS.
Billy Dee Williams (Actor) with Emma Slater
You may know him as Lando Calrissian from Star Wars. You may also know him as the Colt 45 guy. Or you could be me and know him from ‘those blaxploitation movies with Diana Ross’. Either way, you will probably know him as the guy who didn’t do too well on Dancing with the Stars. Slash take a shot of Tom Bergeron says, “From Star Wars to Dancing with the STARS, here is Billy Dee Williams!”
Diana Nyad (Long-Distance Swimmer) with Henry Byalikov
Remember that woman who swam from Havana to Florida? This is her. So basically she doesn’t give up on anything and probably has really strong legs and arms. But one of things you need to know (I guess not really NEED to know) about DWTS is that it’s a fan-driven show, in that people vote for whoever they are fans of, not necessarily who the best dancer is. I’m assuming Diana doesn’t have a ‘strong fan-base’ and her partner isn’t one of the more beloved pro dancers, so I don’t think she’s gonna race to the finish if you get my drift.
Sean Avery (Former NHL player) with Karina Smirnoff
It’s worth noting that Sean Avery is the guy on the left. The one on the right is clearly Bravo’s darling, Andy Cohen. They’re on vacation together somewhere exotic in this pic, and there were rumors they are actually engaged. But Sean’s not gay… Anyways, athletes either do really well (like winners Emmitt Smith, Apolo Anton Ohno, Shawn Johnson, etc.) or they can do really bad (Keyshawn Johnson, last place). Hockey is a little different than those football pros who excel at the dancing, so I’m not really sure what to expect from him. I will say that he has one of the show’s fave dancers, Katrina Smirnoff, as his partner, so he has a better chance of staying in longer than usual.
NeNe Leakes (Housewife/Actress) with Tony Dovolani
If she’s as good as throwing shade and being sassy as she is a dancer, NeNe might actually go far. But I’m leaning towards no. Love you, but girl, bye.
Drew Carey (Actor/The Price Is Right Host) with Cheryl Burke
I am aware this picture is old due to his overweight status, but come on, why is there a cat wearing sunglasses on a director’s chair? Anyways, I’m basing Drew’s ranking on the fact that he is the token comedian of the season. Comedians do better than you expect them to, mainly because they are underdogs and have a fan base. Take D.L. Hughley and Bill Engvall, who placed ninth and fourth, respectively. Not to mention Drew hosts a daytime institution which the women who probably watch DWTS view in the morning right before their midday naps.
Cody Simpson (Singer) with Witney Carson
Ah, the Australian Justin Bieber. I’ve never actually heard or seen him before, so I have no idea if he dances like JB. But he’s young and cute, so that certainly puts him above Diana Nyad. Also shoutout to new cast member Witney Carson, who is a So You Think You Can Dance alum who was in the DWTS Troupe for the past couple years and moved up!
James Maslow (Singer/Actor in Big Time Rush) with Peta Murgatroyd
Again, I’ve never seen Big Time Rush perform, but I’m pretty sure being in a boy band requires some dancing (unless you’re One Direction). He already has a big teenage girl fan base who will vote their fingers off and Peta is a good enough choreographer to get them ahead.
Candace Cameron-Bure (Actress/DJ) with Mark Ballas
Deej. DEEJ!! I have no idea if she can dance or even dance well (after all, it WAS Stephanie who was the dancer of the family) but I am rooting for her to go all the way. Can you just see Kimmy and Steve cheering her on in the front row?!
Danica McKellar (Actress/Mathematician) with Val Chmerkovskiy
Winnie Cooper. The ultimate girl next door who is now campaigning for your votes. I also have no idea if she can dance, but I have a feeling she can. She’s smart (went to UCLA for math) so anyone who’s young-ish and smart are quick to learn these difficult dances.
Charlie White (Gold Medalist in Ice Dancing) with Sharna Burgess
You saw him either win gold in Sochi, or in those memes where he and Meryl Davis were compared to Disney royal couples. Does this couple have an advantage over the others because they’re professional ice DANCERS? Probably. Is it a big advantage? No. They dance on ice, it’s very different than solid ground. What will actually help this couple is the fact they each know how to partner really well. But Meryl & Charlie have been partners for 17 years, so it will be interesting to see how they’ll do with someone new.
Meryl Davis (Gold Medalist in Ice Dancing) with Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Basically everything I said above. I’m only giving Meryl the edge because she’s the girl. Sexist? Whatevs. Did you know Charlie and Meryl enlisted Derek to help them with their Olympics routines? Yeah. And she’s with the returning Maks, who is like, the ‘Ukrainian hunk’ of the show, and he’s definitely going to give Derek a run for his money.
Amy Purdy (Paraolympic Snowboarder and actress) with Derek Hough
I think it’s going to be a toss up between Charlie, Meryl and Amy in the finale. People love a good underdog story. And Amy is a double amputee, snowboarder and an actress. She will be doing the Quickstep on two fake legs, how can you not root for that? Plus she’s paired with DWTS darling Derek Hough, who has won this thing five times, and even won an Emmy for his choreo. AND people loooove Derek. They will vote for him and him alone, where as not as many people will just vote for Henry or even the fairly new Witney. Watch out – Derek just might get his six-peat.
Well, we’ve reached the halfway point in the TV season, and it’s when networks usually introduce new shows to replace the sucky ones they cancelled. One of the standout shows from this bunch of mid-season replacements is NBC’s About a Boy.
The show premiered after the Olympics, which is a tactic that NBC has devised before – they did it with Go On last year, which unfortunately was cancelled after one season. To prevent About a Boy receiving the same fate, how about we all give this show a try and keep it on the air for just a little longer.
Storyline
“Successful songwriter and bachelor Will Freeman lives a carefree life as the “ultimate man-child”. His perfect world is turned upside down when single mom Fiona and her 11-year-old son Marcus move in next door.” It’s also worth noting that if this title sounds familiar, it’s because it was based on the 2002 movie with Hugh Grant, which was based on the 1998 novel by Nick Hornby.
Reasons Why You Should Watch
Jason Katims
Damnit Katims, you did it again. Producer/Writer/Director extraordinaire, Jason has created some of the best (and also some of my favorite) shows over the past few years, including Friday Night Lights and Parenthood. Jason has a way of creating characters you care deeply about, scenarios that could actually happen in real-life, moments of hilarity and of course moments of non-stop crying. That’s what makes each of his shows so special there’s a quality that you can feel from the pilot – it has heart. That’s surprisingly hard to come by in television these days, but thanks to Katims, I can count on his shows to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside while still wiping away tears from my face. About a Boy is no different. Will and Marcus form a quick bond throughout the 22 minute pilot, but you can tell that they’re changing each others’ lives in such a short amount of time already. Whether you’re an 11 year old kid who’s new in town or a loser of a guy in his 30s, the show seeks to prove that your life can change when you least expect it, when you don’t think you want it to and in the unlikeliest of places – but you wouldn’t want it any other way.
The Boy
Benjamin Stockham plays young Marcus, a delightful young boy who, along with his mom played by Minnie Driver, move to San Francisco right next door to Will. Minnie’s a vegan hippie sort and Will, a meat-eater, is just trying to fit in at school. But le tme tell you, this kid’s acting and comedic timing is off the chain. He’s only 13 years old, but could easily be 40 if you told me he was. He’s not one of those annoying kids you see on TV (or in real life), he’s someone you want to cheer for and possibly hug whenever you get a chance. I also had to look up his past credits and guess what – he was in the gone-too-soon comedy, 1600 Penn alongside Josh Gag, Bill Pullman and Jenna Elfman. And he was great it that too, but 10 times better in this.
Potential guest stars and crossovers
Parenthood is where this whole crossover thing took it to the next level. Katims was all, ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it and hire the same actors from my Emmy award-winning show to be on my new show.’ So you know, he made his calls and throughout the course of all the five seasons, FNL stars like Minka Kelly, Michael B. Jordan, Matt Lauria, Jurnee Smollett and Derek Phillips have all been on the show (not to mention Jesse Plemmons’ return as Landry on this FNL/Parenthood crossover that blew my mind). That being said, it’s inevitable to have FNL and/or Parenthood folks on About a Boy. Case in point: it has already been announced that Adrienne Palicki (good old Tyra on FNL) will have an arc on the show as one of Will’s love interests. Plus, David Walton (Will) has already been in a recent episode of Parenthood as one of Crosby’s (Dax Shepard) poker buddies. It helps that both shows take place in the bay area, because Crosby’s going to be in an ep of About a Boy too. TV nerds celebrate the crossover magic!
No book, No movie, no problem
As I previously mentioned, About a Boy is based on a book which was based on a movie. Now if anyone’s up for the task of adapting something that’s already been adapted before, it’s Jason Katims. He did it with both FNL and Parenthood, but managed to keep the story going on season after season. In the pilot of About a Boy, fans familiar with the book and movie will find it similar to what they already know about the story. Will and Fiona (Minnie Driver) immediately hate each other, he has a lot of women coming in and out of his boudoir, and there’s even a big talent show featuring Marcus at the end. But that’s it. You don’t need to have seen the movie or read the book in order to enjoy the show. I’ve only seen the movie and I saw it around the time it first came out, so I clearly have no recollection of anything that happened, besides the fact that Hugh Grant befriended Nicholas Hoult aka Mr. Jennifer Lawrence. So no need to fret if you’re unfamiliar. You’ll fall in love with these characters and will be genuinely interested in their lives as the series goes on, and you’ll completely forget it was based on something else in the first place.
Happy post-Oscar day! The 2014 Academy Awards were sort of amazing in that almost everyone who we all thought would win actually won. The winners were deserved and everyone looked amazing! So, for those of us who got 4-5 hours of sleep because of this fiasco asking if last night was really worth it, I think it was. Here are our picks for Best and Worst dressed, because we couldn’t each pick Lupita Nyong’o five times for Best Dressed and Liza Minnelli five times for Worst Dressed. But that doesn’t mean we didn’t want to!
Traci’s Picks
Best Dressed
Lupita Nyong’o in Prada
Ever since she showed up lookin FIERCE at the Golden Globes with the red cape situation, all eyes have been on Lupita on the red carpet. Somehow, she never disappoints. This particular dress is Prada, and she said she picked it because it reminded her of Nairobi, her hometown in Kenya. It already has sentimental value to it, so you can’t go wrong. And whoever her stylist is, you deserve your own Oscar, because I almost teared up seeing her on the red carpet for the first time at the Academy Awards. Maybe it’s because I’m overly emotional and cry at anything, but you know how some actresses just have a dress that makes it look like they’re going to win that night? It was JLaw’s Dior cloud dress from last year, Julia Roberts’ black and white Valentino, Halle Berry’s Elie Saab gown in ’02, these are iconic dresses that you remember forever. And we’ll aways remember Lupita, not only for her excellent acting, but her excellent style choices, especially the ones that land her in the record books.
Kate Hudson In Atelier Versace
Speaking of fierce capes – well this isn’t really a cape, it’s more of a fierce shawl. Kate took it off when she presented (right?) but I so prefer this look over sans shawl. She looks so old school Hollywood glam, and what better place to do it at the Oscars?!
Charlize Theron in Dior
Glam bam thank you ma’am. I mean Charlize is already beautiful but this silhouette gown? Beyond.
Naomi Watts in Calvin Klein
Apparently the night’s theme was ‘Frozen’ in multiple ways. Of course Frozen won twice but on the red carpet, white and light colors were in. But Naomi Watts did it best. I love love love everything about this: the gown, the Bulgari jewels, the two-toned clutch. To die. Judging by the close up pix, I feel like it would look even more stunning in person.
Portia de Rossi In Naeem Khan
Whoooaaaa Portia! This screams: my wife is hosting the Oscars and I’m so proud and sexy so haters to the left. I’ve never really considered Portia an expert in style per se, so I guess that makes this look all the more amazing. Again, she’s in the white/off white ‘color’ of the night, and the detail in the dress is EXQUISITE (sorry for the douchebaggery). I had a hard time not staring at the patterns because it’s just ridiculous.
Honorable Mention: Calista Flockhart in Andrew Gn. As the Plus one to hubs Harrison, it was the perfect dress to stand out yet make sure it wasn’t all about her. Just like Naomi, I bet this dress looked stunning up close.
Worst Dressed
Liza Minnelli in Vintage Halston
Oh dear. This picture pretty much sums up Liza’s Oscars night.
Lady Gaga in Atelier Versace Couture
My frustration with Gaga is that I like her. I think she has a great voice, I appreciate she goes balls to the wall with her creativity, even if it’s super weird and slightly scary, but the bottom line is she’s talented and that’s why she deserved all the attention, fame, adoration, etc. However, I also know she’s a pretty girl. She is legit wearing a weave here, and even though this is a very conservative outfit for Gaga, it doesn’t really match her personality or style.
Anne Hathaway in Gucci
No. Last year, no. After party last year, no too. This year’s after party – girl you should’ve worn this gown in 2013 AND 2014.
Elsa Pataky In Elie Saab
Mrs. Chris Hemsworth is pregnant with twins, which explains the protruding belly. But lest us all take a page out of Kerry Washington’s pregnancy style bible and remember that while you should embrace your new curves, you shouldn’t flaunt them to excess.
Pharrell in Lanvin
Imma be real with you. I didn’t think there were a lot of horrible dresses this year. Many were amazing and many were meh. Which is why Pharrell is on here. I get that he’s a superstar musician and can do whatever da fuq he wants, but these shorts are more Grammys style. Honestly, I’d rather have you wear the hat all night, because that’s your thing.
Molly’s Picks
Best Dressed
Lupita Nyong’o in Prada
Everyone looked so wonderful last night that there’s no need for repeats on our Best Dressed lists – but I HAD to talk about Lupita Nyong’o. Lupita actually helped design this dress, inspired by champagne bubbles and Nairobi. So, whatever it is you’re best at in life, I’m pretty sure Lupita Nyong’o could do it better and more beautifully than you. It must have been a lot of pressure being expected to be the best dressed of the night, but this was better than I could have even imagined. As a fellow bony-chested lady, I cannot tell you how delighted I was by that plunging neckline – a real victory for us gals with scrawny sternums. As we said in the live blog, Lupita is an Audrey Hepburn in a Hollywood full of Tori Spellings.
Cate Blanchett in Georgio Armani
The real trend this year was nude-colored dresses with beading and like … fluffy things. There’s a lot of texture going on in 2014, and Cate Blanchett wore the trend perfectly. As her effortless acceptance speech showed, Blanchett is an old pro at this. She picked a fantastic silhouette, went with her standby designer, and managed to look both perfectly modern and perfectly classic.
Jennifer Lawrence in Christian Dior
There wasn’t a lot of color on the red carpet last night, and this orange number was a delight. I don’t care what mean internet people say, I think that short hair really suits J.Law. My only complaint is that this dress looked a LITTLE less beautiful when falling than her other dress did.
Amy Adams in Gucci
There was a split reaction on this dress, with some people thinking it was sort of a yawn. But I’m of the mind that elegance is refusal — see also Bullock, Sandra. I especially loved the pops of color in Amy’s earrings and bracelet.
Matthew McConaughey in Dolce & Gabbana
Men’s fashion is just not as exciting as women’s fashion, and there’s only so much you can do — any attempt you make to step outside the box will leave you wearing a rumpled colored tux or stupid shorts. This is an example of Creative Black Tie done well, in my opinion. The well-fitted white jacket over the crisp formal vest, shirt and tie wouldn’t look out of place at a 1920s dinner party or 1940s jazz club. Well done, Pastor Matt of the Church Of McConaughey.
Honorable Mention: Naomi Watts in Calvin Klein Collection. As I said, I’m trying to avoid repeats, but I at least have to mention this. She looks like a beautiful glittering snow queen, for goodness sakes.
Speaking of snow queens, Kristen Bell deserves a mention for the best accessory of the night – a purse with a burrito in it. Bless. Oh, she looked lovely, as well.
Worst Dressed
Jared Leto in Saint Laurent
I’m told I’m supposed to like this, but sorry, I’m not feeling it. The look does fit Leto – forever Jordan Catalano, but also frontman of 30 Seconds To Mars. A more clean-cut look probably wouldn’t suit him. Still, the jacket was a little too cream-colored and the shirt a little too white for my taste, and the red tie and pocket square didn’t work for me either. I gotta hand it to him, though: Leto has gorgeous hair and beautiful eyes and just like… a great general face area.
Christian Bale
Theodore Lawrence, what happened? This is what I mean about creative black tie – it’s like guys have to choose between looking boring yet appropriate, or just kind of … off. I’ve never been a fan of black on black male formalwear, but it’s not just that. The whole thing looks rumply and ill-fitted. The shirt looks stretched and the pants look too big. Get thee to a tailor, Bale.
Liza Minnelli in Halston
As with Lupita, I’m trying not to do repeats here but I’d be an idiot not to address this. Between Liza and Gaga last night, does the gay community even have a true fashion icon left? It’s not Johnny Weir, is it? Oh, gosh. It’s Johnny Weir.
Whoopi Goldberg
This look was stupid when Julia Roberts wore it at the Golden Globes, and it’s still stupid now – but now it’s stupid AND uninspired. The knotted pearl necklace from Costume Warehouse’s flapper outfit isn’t helping.
Penelope Cruz in Giambattista Valli Haute Couture
The good: that soft pink color, the pretty draping. The bad: I think if this dress existed without the back panel draped over her arms, I might love it. Was it just how she was posing? Close but no cigar, here.
Honorable Mentions: Charlize Theron – I loved everything about this except the shoulder strap situation. It doesn’t really belong on my worst dressed, but I just wanted to point out that the top of it looks like someone was dressing a paper doll, but didn’t know they had to fold the tabs over its shoulder.
Also, while not worst by any means, sometimes Kerry Washington’s dress looked like it was a cruddy taupe color, but in still shots you could tell it was a muted lavender/mauve. Blame the lighting, not the dress. Kerry was, of course, stunning even when I thought she was wearing that boring terra cotta color that everyone painted their family room in 2001.
This is neither best nor worst, here nor there, but I just found out that Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski were there and I felt like I had to share this information with everyone. Johnny Weir is dressed as Liberace dressed as a matador dressed as an old-timey oil baron, because of course.
And finally… Kim Novak’s face. Yes, she’s clearly had some plastic surg, but I want everyone who’s ever criticized a celebrity for starting to look old to take a good, hard look at themselves and say “I caused this.”
Howdy friends! Welcome to our newly redesigned site! Take a look around, some things have changed, but the content has not! And to prove this, we’ll be live blogging Hollywood’s biggest night starting 7pm EST/4pm PST, so watch this space for updates. As always, please refresh your browser window periodically to load our up-to-the-minute commentary. You can also follow us on Twitter for updates in 140 characters or less at @cookiessangria (a button linking directly to our Twitter is conveniently located in the sidebar, as well as our newly updated Facebook & Tumblr!).
In the meantime, enjoy this video of baby Ben Affleck and (a cummerbund-ed) Matt Damon accepting their first Oscar for Best Screenplay for one of the greatest movies of all time, Good Will Hunting. Look how far they’ve come…
Preshow
M: I just turned E!’s preshow on at 6:30. I’m wondering if I missed any really famous people. I did see either Kristen Chenowith or a very chipper child actress..
Chiwetel Ejiofor looks attractive in a suit; also has an attractive, well-dressed sister (a TV newswoman). Neither of these facts is surprising, but I’m delighted regardless.
Amy Adams apparently dressed “for herself” today, and it worked. Ummm… has anyone ever SEEN Amy Adams and Isla Fisher in the same place? Or Jessica Chastain, for that matter? The internet is all “whatever” about Amy Adams’ dress but I’m pretttty sure Amy Adams is all “whatever” about randos on the internet.
Idina Menzel: form-fitting Vera Wang, serious bling around her neck. A long way from Maureen Johnson performing Over The Moon in a cyber-cafe.
I think black dresses might be the thing tonight, because Olivia Wilde is wearing a gorgeous dark number, and somehow only looks pregnant from the side. Not to be outdone, Olivia Wide’s unborn baby is wearing Olivia Wilde.
LUPITA NYONG’O. Lupita Nyong’o is dressed as a flawlessly beautiful celestial ancient Greek sea-spirit-queen Cinderella. We’ll give more details as they become available, but suffice to say that she looks better than I could even imagine looking.
And although I cannot ever imagine looking like Lupita Nyong’o, I also have a bony chest – it looks like a damn xylophone – and I have SO much love for Lupita for rocking the plunging neckline that everybody tells you you can’t do.
So, the thing with Pharrell is that happiness would be my truth, too, if I were 40 years old but stopped physically aging at 20. He is wearing short-pants, like a small boy from yesteryear who hasn’t graduated to full pants yet. What I’m saying is that Pharrell is clearly vampire from the past.
Anna Kendrick is wearing black with sheer cut-outs. I’m not explaining that very well. She’s one of the few people who can pull off looking smoldering and adorable at the same time. Smoldorable.
Speaking of smoldering and adorable all at once: June Squibb and Jared Leto. Leto is wearing a white suit and I’m not even mad. I mean I’ll voice my displeasure later, probably, but the man looks good.
I cannot get excited over Jessica Biel. I’m sorry.
Sarah Paulson is wearing Elie Saab – nude, high-necked, long-sleeved, beaded. And her hair is brown now! It looks great on her. She tells Ryan Seacrest that his eyes look super-green, and he says “colored contacts,” and y’all, I don’t think he’s joking.
Between all of these nude-netted dresses (looking at you, Blanchett) and the Winter Olympics, the company that makes that peachy flesh-colored material is having a real banner year.
EW says that Jennifer Lawrence fell again. If Jennifer Lawrence falls, and nobody’s there to report on it, did it even happen?
T: HI I’M SO IN THE MIDDLE OF WORKING RIGHT NOW BUT OMG JENNIFER LAWRENCE FALLING ON THE RED CARPET I’M DYING.
M: Is she really clumsy or do they just put her in ill-fitting or bad shoe all the time? FIND A BETTER COBBLER, LAWRENCE!!
T: I mean I think she’s just super clumsy. She seems like the type who would be clumsy. She literally was waving to fans and not looking where she was going and I think she tripped on the girl’s dress in front of her? Like slow-motion whilst laughing and a police officer had to help her up. I cannot with you, Katniss.
M: How long until there’s a gif of this moment? My money’s on it being available before the show starts.
T: You know Tumblr is on that shit right now.
M: How does anyone interview Christopher Walken without screaming “WHAT HAPPENED TO NATALIE WOOD?” is beyond me, but hey, that’s why I make a better lawyer than journalist.
M: I just slid the headband off of my head with dejection and more than a little disgust. Technically it was because my temples were hurting, but really because I shouldn’t even try to wear a headband while Lupita is.
So, I switched to the ABC preshow a while ago because the folks at E! were making like college football coaches after the game, just drawing circles on footage and stuff. And ABC just spent about 5 minutes showing us these college kids who, I guess, won a thing. Novel idea: cut that out, start the show at 8EST, and let the actors finish their darn speeches without practically dragging them offstage by one of those oversized vaudeville canes.
Jamie Foxx and Jamie Foxx’s daughter are making the case for some people just having really, really good genes. As in, I’ll never love anything as the two of them must love genetics.
The good part about watching preshows on both networks is getting to see Jared Leto twice. I find myself less interested in who made his suit and more interested in who makes his deep conditioner.
M: Lupita Nyong’o helped design her dress. Of course. Why do I get the feeling that she’d be that girl in fifth grade who joined the dance class you’d been in since kindergarten, and she’d advance to the level above you within like 2 months. You know, sort of able to do everything without even having to try?
Bill Murray just said that things that make him laugh include David Letterman, ESPN, and his kids. So, evidently Bill Murray has the exact same sense of humor as your uncle who lives in DesMoines and sells a lot of insurance.
Will Smith has an earring now. Or maybe he always did, who knows. As my mom told my brother when he was in third grade and wanted to get one ear pierced, “getting an earring won’t make you cool. It just makes you a person who has an earring.”
T: JLAW TRIPGATE2K14 UPDATE:
M: Sandra Bullock is wearing midnight blue Alexander McQueen and looks gorgeous. See, sometimes the best look isn’t a dress with weird sequins all over it or like … that is also a swan costume, or whatever. Simple dress, simple sideswept curls, absolutely perfect. Nobody named Sandy has ever looked that good. No offense to ladies named Sandy but I think you all know this already.
I just saw Joseph Gordon-Levitt chatting with Gabourey Sidibe. Man,that would be fun convo. While we’re on the topic of JGL, figure skater Jason Brown looks 100% like an alternate universe version of how Third Rock-era Gordon-Levitt could have grown up.
The Oscars have started!
M: Ellen is here, and she is dressed like a very sparkly version of a tiny Victorian boy. So, another vampire. Honestly, just take the classic Blue Boy painting and put him in black, and you have Ellen’s outfit.
Little Lord Fauntleroy starts with a weather joke, so let’s all grab a Snapple and some Chex mix and settle in for a nice night of Middle America.
Ellen declared Jared Leto “the prettiest,” and she’s right. She also riffs on Jennifer Lawrence falling, and Lawrence exacts the best possible revenge: taking the joke nicely while looking almost disturbingly beautiful.
You know how I was talking about genetics earlier? Exhibit: Lupita Nyong’o’s brother. Lupita Nyongo’s… single brother, perhaps? I’ll research it during one of the commercials.
M: YES. Because when Ellen makes a joke, it’s like your own mom or aunt making a joke. But without the added baggage of 20+ years of history and issues.
T: Is Anne Hathaway trying to get nominated for an Oscar for presenting? Just because this is the first time you’ve been on stage since your disaster with Franco doesn’t mean you have to be all dramatic.
idk wtf this is but okay
M: Yeah, she was really leaning into that one. I swear God if Jared Leto doesn’t win it’ll be the most he’s disappointed me since Jordan Catalano wrote that song Red about a car instead of Angela Chase.
T: Speaking of disasters, I’m crying already.
M: I was going to ask how your eyes were doing. It’s a little dusty in here all of a sudden. ICYMI, Jared Leto thanked his mom and his brother … but, like, beautifully, and then dedicatd his award to the dreamers of the world, before calling attention to the AIDS epidemic. They let him speak until he was done, rather than cutting him off, because even the guy in charge of the music cues probably has a RAGING crush on Jared Leto right now.
Best Supporting Actor:
Barkhad Abdi, Captain Phillips
Bradley Cooper, American Hustle
Michael Fassbender, 12 Years a Slave
Jonah Hill, The Wolf of Wall Street
Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club
Molly’s pick: Jared Leto
Traci’s pick: Jared Leto fun fact: he’s the OLDEST person in this category. Because he’s 42 YEARS OLD. I REPEAT: JORDAN CATALANO IS 42 YEARS OLD.
Molly: It quite literally felt like somebody pushed the air out of my chest when I read that. Jordan Catalano can’t be 42. Tino can, I guess.
Winner: Jared Leto
T: I’m gonna say it: I do not get Jim Carrey. I don’t think he’s funny. At all. #Oscars
M: Yeah. Whenever he does one of his bits I’m like “oh, so you’re going to move your face all weird again? That’s it?” And yeah, that was actually it.
T: WERK, KERRY. I just am so in awe of her. Basically get me in a room with like, Kerry, Lupita and Poehler, and I might actually die. My life would end.
T: I think Pharrell’s performance of Happy is the first time a singer has told the Oscars audience to ‘get up outta their seats’. Or Did Three Six Mafia do that when they won their Oscar for IT’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp?
M: You know, you might be right – I had thought they directed the crowd to put their hands in the air, but I believe it WAS ‘get up outta your seat.’
Well, Pharrell, I’m sold. After that, I DO feel like happiness is the truth. To recap: Pharrell wore his patented track jacket and Canadian mountie hat, and danced with our fake BFFs Lupita, Jennifer and Amy, backed up by adorable dancing people.
Naomi Watts is presenting the costume design award, looking a million times more beautiful than whatever bride is wearing the same dress as her this weekend.
Best Costume Design:
American Hustle
The Grandmaster
The Great Gatsby
The Invisible Woman
12 Years a Slave
Molly’s pick: American Hustle… or Great Gatsby… what the heck is The Grandmaster???
Traci’s pick: The Great Gatsby, mainly because i loved all the Baz Luhrman-esque visuals in the movie, and because the costume designer is Catherine Martin (Baz’s wife) two-time Oscar winner and all around talented woman.
Winner: The Great Gatsby
M: YAYYY! I thought the winner was more likely to be American Hustle, but I wanted it to be Gatsby. I have a serious thing for 20s fashion. If any of you get a chance and haven’t seen it yet, check out the making of features on the DVD for more info about all that went into the costuming, especially for the party scenes.
Harrison Ford, I’m telling you the same thing I told Will Smith about pierced ears. However, is it just me or does he get more and more attractive with time? I mean, Harrison Ford could be drooling in a wheelchair at age 107 and I’d probably be like yeah… I’d hit it.
T: “Ladies and gentleman of Dolby Theatre, please give a warm welcome to Channing Tatum” why a particular warm welcome to Channing, Oscars announcer?
T: Oh yes, there is already a GIF of Lupita & Meryl dancing with Pharrell.
M: You know how they say you should draw a smiley face on a piece of paper and looking at it makes you smile even if you feel crummy? If not, now you do. Well,that gif really has the same effect.
Best Animated Feature Film
The Croods
Despicable Me 2
Ernest & Celestine
Frozen
The Wind Rises
Molly’s pick: Frozen
Traci’s pick: Frozen
Winner: Frozen
T: I’m not lying when I say I have listened to Love is an Open Door & For the First Time in Forever on repeat, in my car at full blast – SINGING at full blast – down Hollywood and Highland where the Oscars are right now. I HAVE NO SHAME. I’M 28 YEARS OLD AND HAVE NO SHAME.
M: The Frozen soundtrack was somehow specially formulated to be THE perfect car singing experience. I think someone heard me singing in a parking lot a few days ago. Granted, it wasn’t Frozen, but it WAS Funky Cold Medina, so I am also shameless.
M: I missed the intro for this series of clips and now I’m grasping at what the common theme is. I was going to say movies about changes in America but then Bravehart came up. Is it “making a difference” or something?
T: WAIT GUYS. New OTP: JGL & EMWATS?? Uh if you’re not a ridiculous human being like me, I just said: ‘new favorite couple: Joseph Gordon Levitt and Emma Watson’. (Apparently I’m not the only one who thinks this) I’m gonna go relearn English.
M: Like the cursed eyes of an evil banshee, I feel like when JGL and EmWats are together I cannot look directly at them. To make them even more perfect, Emma speaks so beautifully with her RP accent that it sounds like she’s about to tell me to make a u-turn and take the next exit onto i-90.
T: They just played Good Morning, Baltimore when Zef walked on stage. What, no We’re All in This Together? Or Bet on It? Come onnnn Academy.
M: Karen O has positively not aged since the 90s. I forgot how much I loved this song in Her. Speaking of Her, it was the most oddly affecting film I’ve seen in a while. When Amy Adams said that line about how we’re only here briefly and so she wants to allow herself joy, I was like that’s it. I’m done.
M: Hey, short films. Come back when you’re regular-sized films. I don’t have time for this.
OH. Never mind. I’m an ass. The documentary about that woman who was the oldest Holocaust survivor and played the piano beautifully just won. I love her so much. She passed away last week and it’s sad she missed this but I’m sure she didn’t care too much about this award anyway.
OK, time to be a little less kind: Whoopi Goldberg what are you wearing? It looks like a white button-up with black crop-top over it and a Duggar lady skirt.
Ellen just offered to buy pizza for the audience. The only women who raised their hands were pregnant.
In the span of about 5 seconds I saw John Stamos, Whoopi Goldberg and Calista Flockhart. Did we all time travel to 1997?
T: Uh does anyone else feel like the cameras are too close to the presenters? Pretty sure I saw up Bradley Cooper’s nose right now.
M: Oooh. Yes. This guy who just won – I could tell you more about his pores than I think his dermatologist could.
T: Oh goddddd. Darlene Love is singing as part of her speech. Didn’t someone else sing on stage recently?? Apparently Bill Murray loved it and stood up right away. Brad Pitt didn’t really want to stand up but he did against his will.
M: Best version of His Eye Is On The Sparrow? Still Lauryn Hill.
T: ^^ Co-sign.
T: Frank Underwood made an appearance at the Oscars and I legit stood up and clapped for Kevin Spacey. Okay, it’s also because I’ve been sitting down for too long, but I mean, the thought was there.
T: Ugh I still have residual Brad/Jen/Angelina animosity, but that was really cute when he kissed her after they showed her winning the Humanitarian award. I want so much to dislike you.
M: I remember a period in 2006 or so when my sister-in-law had a stack of US Weekly mags, and every single one had a split cover of Angelina and Jen, with one of them looking more or less menacing or unattractive based on what the story was about.
M: Brad Pitt clearly sprang for the BIG bottle of L.A. Looks before tonight’s show. As did most of U2, as it turns out.
M: A PSA to everybody over the age of 45: Just saying the word “selfie” or taking a selfie, isn’t a joke. Try harder. That massive group photo they took of half of Hollywood qualifies as trying hard enough.
T: I cannot. I CANNOT. Meryl just said, “OOOHH I’ve never tweeted before!” Retweeting that shit so much.
T: ALSO NEW NEW OTP: KBELL AND VINCE. Again for regular human beings: New favorite potential romance, Kristen Bell and Michael B. Jordan. Or I mean, Michael B. Jordan with me, really.
M: Unfortunately, Kristen Bell is already attached to Dax Shepard and Michael B. Jordan is already attached to me.
NOTE TO READERS: The above comments were written simultaneously. And while we’re the type of friends who never fight, we may have to come to blows over this one.
T: I’m not afraid to fight you, Dougherty. I am Unagi.
M: I’m fairly certain that if one of us will forfeit Vince and one of us will forfeit Riggins we can solve this amicably.
T: Fair enough. Fun with Friday Night Lights ‘romances that will never happen’
M: Goes without saying we couldn’t get through this without referencing FNL and Full House, so far. There will be more.
ICYMI: Gravity just won every technical type award there is because it’s movie about outer space.
T: I’m about to vomit I’m so nervous. #COMEONLUPITA Also worth nothing: that’s her brother with her and you should watch her interview with Fallon about how excited he was about her Oscar nom.
M: My heart is all fluttery. And that video was the cutest.
Best Supporting Actress:
Sally Hawkins, Blue Jasmine
Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle
Lupita Nyong’o, 12 Years a Slave
Julia Roberts, August: Osage County
June Squibb, Nebraska
Molly’s pick: Lupita Nyong’o (is it even a question?)
Traci’s pick: Lupita Nyong’o (I just love her so much, but I also love JLaw so much. However I feel like Lupita’s performance deserves the Oscar – and her speech is for sure going to make me cry.)
Winner: Lupita Nyong’o
M: Lupita will never get to the stage because everyone wants to hug her.
T: I mean Liza went in for a hug. LIZA FRIGGIN MINELLI.
Also, I’m crying. Like I have multiple tissues around my person. I’m just so in awe of her.
M: I always get cold chills when I’m emotional and right now my hands feel like ice. It’s just – obviously that was a perfect performance. But also, we don’t have anyone like her in Hollywood. It’s like she’s an Audrey Hepburn in a world full of Tori Spellings.
T: YES. Best metaphor of the night.
M: OH, thank heavens. The pizza is here. I would 100% be the person to eat 3 slices — and drop 2 of them on my lap. This is why I cant go to nice things.
T: Can Ellen tweet pix of celebs eating said pizza? I refuse to believe Meryl straight up ate that with her white dress. Like I’m hoping she put a napkin bib on.
M: I know, they should have handed out those ponchos you get at Niagara falls. Or those sort of demeaning lobster bibs, at least.
Anna Kendrick and Gabourey Sidibe just came out to a orchestral version of Cups. They didn’t get any jokes, but maybe that’s for the best because Awards Show category introductions are not really funny. But I bet their backstage banter was hilarious.
T: Okay now that Pink is going all Judy on us, I’m thinking Bette Midler is going to do the In Memoriam. Take a shot if she does ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’. Actually swig the whole bottle because you’re gonna need it to get through the song. Although Lady Gaga is there too…Slow acoustic version of Poker Face?
M: My nightmare funeral (like, of myself) would be Wind Beneath My Wings, followed by that stupid song about Eagle’s wings, followed probably by like waking up in my coffin but being unable to move or speak. Mostly the Wind Beneath My Wings part.
^the ONLY acceptable version of Wind Beneath My Wings^
Just so you know, I have no intention of being okay when Shirley Temple comes on the screen.
All right. Pink’s song ended and she never flipped around on circus wires. I feel cheated.
T: Whoa hello fringe on Jennifer Garner.
M: Yeah, I suppose I have to wait until tomorrow for some commentator to tell me whether I like it. She clearly wore that frock in anticipation of Gatsby winning the award.
Gatsby just won for production design. I was really excited for Gatsby but it didn’t get awesome reviews, so I’m glad it won a few Oscars. But as I said on the blog this week, the production design of Her was awesome, too.
T: Agreed. I really liked the movie. The Great Gatsby was one of my fave required reading books in high school, and I thought Baz did a really good jobwith it.
M: YES. I got really annoyed when people made it sound like if you enjoyed the Luhrmann version of Gasby, it was because you needed the story to be modernized and didn’t understand the book. Ugh whatever. I went on a huge Lost Generation reading binge a while back, and I’m still waiting for the film adaptation of This Side of Paradise.
[#Nerds]
A local commercial just featured a woman karaoke-singing the song Umbrella, but changing it to mozzarella. I hoped it was a parody of a bad local commercial, but it was real. This is my real life now.
T: In Memorium: Wait, so no one’s going to sing during this?
M: This is the score from a movie. I’m pretty sure. But which one? [Update: It was Somewhere In Time, which I love in an unashamed schmaltzy romantic way.] And what’s the point of Bette Midler, now?
[Bette Midler, in all her glory, enters and begins caterwauling that song from Beaches]
T: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GODDDDDDDDD
M: STOPPPPPPPP.
T: I’M CRYING BECAUSE I CAN’T BELIEVE IT CAME TRUE *insert emoji with laughing/crying smiley face* Also props to Oscars producer for picking a really current song for this.
She just did wing motions. I expect a gif of this too. She’s giving so much drama. The gays are probably going insane rn. SHE IS WAVING GOODBYE. NO. Is anyone inthe audience actually crying? No. Because it felt too forced. Bye, gurl.
lit’rally got this gif from the Logo TV tumblr…
M: I don’t like this. I don’t LIKE it.
Screw this I want a giant screen of Shirley Temple and Bojangle dancing.
Next year I want the outdated song choice to be “Everybody Hurts.” Just really sock everybody straight in their feelings.
T: Wait… did John Travolta just have a stroke? Did he say ‘EYE-dinah Mah-ZEEL’????
Uh, relatedly, Idina Menzel looks gorge. Maureen cleans up nicely.
Wait but i’m dying because everyone on twitter is writing different spellings of what they think they heard Mr. Scientology say. “Adelle Azeem’ ‘Adele Dazeem’ ‘Adele Dazi’ ‘Adilla Mizzine’ seriously crying laughing.
ALSO DID HE HAVE A STROKE THO? BECAUSE REMEMBER THAT NEWSCASTER WHO EVERYONE MADE FUN OF BECAUSE SHE SAID EVERYTHING WRONG AND IT TURNED OUT SHE ACTUALLY HAD A STROKE (oh she had a complex migraine)
M: Kind of disappointed she didn’t ask us to moo with her.
(Gorgeous, flawless singer, etc).
Adala Damzil? I believe we’re being what Xenu calls “suppressive persons.”
Best Original Score:
The Book Thief
Gravity
Her
Philomena
Saving Mr. Banks
Molly’s pick: Her
Traci’s pick: Gravity
Winner: Gravity
Best Original Song:
Alone Yet Not Alone (from Alone Yet Not Alone )
Happy (from Despicable Me 2 )
Let It Go (from Frozen )
The Moon Song (from Her )
Ordinary Love (from Mandela: Long
Walk to Freedom )
Molly’s Pick: Let It Go
Traci’s Pick: Ordinary Love
Winner: Let It Go
T: Yooooo Robert Lopez just EGOT-ed!!!!! Like a guerrilla EGOT! I love it!
M: I LOVE these two. Wait.. those two have children with each other??
T: Haha yes! I originally thought they were siblings for some reason. Not the case.
M: I think I just assume that no straight man has skin that pretty until I get confirmation to the contrary.
Anyway, they’re cuties and I’m jealous of their kids. My parents’ version of making up songs inspired by me was inserting the name “Molly” in the place of words that rhyme with Molly. Or singing the songs they’d made up for my sister 8 years before because what’s the difference?
M: They couldn’t have done it without Udyll Nassim.
Hey have you guys noticed that no one has been booted off the stage with music yet? I thought for sure they were going to do that with Jared earlier. Good choice, producers.
Best Adapted Screenplay:
Before Midnight – Richard Linklater, Julie Delpy, Ethan Hawke
Captain Phillips – Billy Ray
Philomena – Steve Coogan, Jeff Pope
12 Years a Slave – John Ridley
The Wolf of Wall Street – Terence Winter
Molly’s pick: 12 Years a Slave
Traci’s pick: 12 Years a Slave
Winner: 12 Years A Slave
M: Every time Penelope Cruz says “screenplay” it sounds to me like she’ saying “screempling.”
T: Important: John Ridley used to be a writer on Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Third Watch and Martin. ALSO he wrote Undercover Brother. Kids, you too can go on to win an Oscar if you have humble beginnings at a beloved 90s sitcom.
M: BEST trivia of the night re: Fresh Prince. That show was really well-written, though. Wonder what the writers of Hangin With Mr. Cooper are up to? Or Step By Step.
Best Original Screenplay:
American Hustle – Eric Warren Singer and David O. Russell
Blue Jasmine – Woody Allen
Dallas Buyers Club – Craig Borten &
Melisa Wallack
Her – Spike Jonze
Nebraska – Bob Nelson
Molly’s Pick: Her
Traci’s pick: American Hustle
Winner: Her
M: Spike Jonze never looks how I think he looks. (How I think he looks is Spike Lee).
T: Look at Lupita in her ‘Nairobi’ gown with her Oscar sitting on her lap. The best thing I’ve seen all day.
M: I just love her brother. I know we’ve said that but it bears repeating. I’m sort of lukewarm on Angelina Jolie, but it doesn’t get better than Sidney Poitier.
Best Director:
David O. Russell, American Hustle
Alfonso Cuaron, Gravity
Alexander Payne, Nebraska
Steve McQueen, 12 Years a Slave
Martin Scorsese, The Wolf of Wall Street
Molly’s Pick: David O. Russell
Traci’s Pick: Alfonso Cuaron
Winner: Alfonso Cuaron
T: Oh bless, Sidney P, but this is the Oscars. We’re already on a time crunch here.
Oh… hi Jonas Cuaron. HOLA SENOR. I could also listen to Alfonso speak all day. Molly can you translate what he said? I got ‘This is for you’ and ‘I love you’
M: Yes! So I understood everything (Look, I majored in Spanish and spent 5 months in Spain, it would be embarrassing if I didn’t) — yet I’ve already forgotten what he said. That’s how long this show has gone on. I’ll find the video later and translate it for anyone who’s curious.
We all know Cuaron from Y Tu Mama Tambien, but one of my favorites is A Little Princess. I’m not even kidding. That film was gorgeous.
Best Actress:
Amy Adams, American Hustle
Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine
Sandra Bullock, Gravity
Judi Dench, Philomena
Meryl Streep, August: Osage County
Molly’s pick: Cate Blanchett
Traci’s pick: Cate Blanchett
Winner: Cate Blanchett
M: Did you see Blue Jasmine? I didn’t…
T: I saw Blue Jasmine – don’t. Cate Blanchett was lit’rally the best thing about the movie. There was no (good) plot. Also, I was worried for a second that Meryl was going to pull a surprise win. HashtagSuckIt.
M: Well, count me among those who didn’t know I loved Cate Blanchett, only to learn that I love Cate Blanchett. What a gem.
T: Unrelated: You know who’s the real winner of the Oscars? The pizza delivery guy from Big Mama’s and Papa’s Pizzeria who had no idea he was going to be giving pies to Hollywood A-listers tonight.
T: Oh we’re back at the Church of McConaughey. He did this at the SAGs too. Did anyone else notice Camila Alves just kissed her mother-in-law’s hand and it was the most precious. I approve of this couple and this family. Another thing of note: JLaw making friends with the girl who accompanies the celebs on stage?
M: I was looking at that girl trying to figure out if I knew who she was!
M: Pastor Matt, my alarm goes off in five and a half hours.
Best Picture:
American Hustle
Captain Phillips
Dallas Buyers Club
Gravity
Her
Nebraska
Philomena
12 Years a Slave
The Wolf of Wall Street
Molly’s Pick: 12 Years A Slave
Traci’s pick: 12 Years a Slave
Winner: 12 Years A Slave
T: There was literally a timpani drum roll before Will said the winner. WAIT JOHN RIDLEY – WILL SMITH – FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR Y’ALL
But really, I’m so happy that 12 Years a Slave won.
M: Me too! Good work, Academy. There were a lot of great nominees this year, but 12 Years A Slave deserved it the most. Also how cute was that cast on stage?
T: Yes! The jumping up and down! They are sooo gonna rage tonight.
M: Cannot wait to see pictures from the parties.
OK, everyone, that’s it! It’s been a great … what is it now? 5 hours? Yeah. Good night, everyone!
Cookies + Sangria 
