The Laughter Of Children: Things I Made Fun Of As A Child

Posted in Lists by Molly

Allison Williams respectfully requests that when you watch Peter Pan tonight, you let your inner child do the live-tweeting. Here’s her message:

If you’re going to watch this the same way that you watch a TV show that you hate, but you hate-watch it with all your friends so that you can drink wine and tweet at each other about how it’s bad, you need to just go ahead and take those lenses out of your glasses and put in the lenses that you had when you were six.

I will watch Peter Pan with the lenses I had when I was six –but at six, my lenses weren’t rose-colored. They were joke glasses. It sounds like six-year-old Allison Williams was more Cabbage Patch Kid, while I was more Garbage Pail. She wore an argyle skirt and a tidy headband and non-ironically giggled at Punch and Judy shows in her Connecticut home; I was a freckle-faced urban Catholic schooler ripping Barney a new one. I wasn’t cynical, I just thought that everything was, in some way, funny.

Just call me Surly Temple.

To see how our present selves deal with Peter Pan, look for our live tweets (our handle is @cookiessangria), and laterblog (a live blog posted the next day!). For a window into my past, here are some things I made fun of as a young child:

Barney, which is normal. What’s not normal is writing a short play at age nine in which Barney is a tyrant lording over the overly-peppy children in the cast. I have a vivid memory of performing in my fourth grade classroom, scrawling a plummeting ratings chart on the board and shouting “We need Nielson families!”

There were two girls named Allison in my Irish Dance class and one of them had prominent buck teeth. In my mind, I called her Buckingham Alice. I didn’t even feel like I was making fun of her, though I knew better than to say it out loud. I was mostly delighted by how punny that was. I was almost disappointed that nobody ever realized that I was a shrimpy kid whose last name rhymed with “shorty” and first name nearly rhymed with “small-y”.

The swaying chorus of hopeful children in a local United Way commercial.

Donald Trump suffered a few financial losses in the early 90s. Right after that, on a family trip to New York, my seven-year-old brother announced “hey, there’s Donald Trump!” every time he saw a homeless person. This wasn’t me, but it was my next sibling up and I think it explains how I got this way.

Kidz Bop. But you know what? Now I’m in my late 20s and my Kidz Bop impression is on point, so no regrets.

I hate-watched a Christian children’s show, Colby’s Clubhouse, every week. It was a musical program about a group of kids who go to an abandoned playhouse to learn about Jesus from an oversized, anthropomorphic computer. Whenever a kid chirped a stupid line like “Jesus will always care for me!” I’d mimic their tone and say something like “My parents are forcing me to do this!” or “This dancing computer is my only friend!”

You may have had an annual family reading of The Night Before Christmas on Christmas Eve. I had an annual sarcastic reading of Santa And The Christ Child, a book about Santa meeting a child Jesus. Jesus takes Santa back in time to witness his birth. But not the actual birth part, which is gross. We shouted out logical inconsistencies in the story. Because if Jesus is like 8 years old, why is the celebration of Christmas even a thing?

Another example of how I got like this: my brothers’ childhood nickname for me was Limsy. It was an acronym. It stood for Little Ignorant Molly, So Young. And they made it up when they were, I believe, 7 and 9 years of age.

Oh. And they changed the Moto Photo jingle (Little people, growing up so fast/ Moto Photo makes the memories last!) to Little Molly, growing up so slow/ Moto Photo makes the memories grow! Again, they were in primary school.

Talk Girl, the children’s tape recorder toy that was exactly the same as Talk Boy, but pink.

The elderly. And folk music. In one fell swoop, with the multiple-verse song a friend and I wrote entitled Old Lady. You had to sing it in a wavery, Natalie Merchant-y timbre. Sample verse:

Old Lady, bones are all dry

She’s got osteoperosis

And she’s gonna die

My peers’ open, undignified obsession with Hanson and Jonathan Taylor Thomas. I preferred to crush on them secretly, like an ADULT.

The self-consciously multicultural names from elementary school textbooks. Every word problem was about Keiko, Carmen and Timmy trying to measure the perimeter of Aphrodite’s backyard. Like, it’s okay if sometimes just Julio and Maria have to figure out how many cupcakes to make for the bake sale, or if it’s only Vijay and Krishna determining when their trains will cross paths; you don’t have to throw in Sally and Bobby for me to understand it.

Phat Boyz, the “urban fashions” and convenience store at the corner near my school. My friend and I rewrote the then-ubiquitous Old Navy Performance Fleece jingle to advertise Phat Boyz, where you could buy attire for all your street battles. [I grew up next to and across from drug houses in a neighborhood called the “Fatal Crescent;” I wasn’t some suburban kid making fun of the “ghetto.”]

Myself, mostly.

2Dec2014

Gay Apparel: Fashion Inspiration From 90s Christmas Movies

Posted in Entertainment, Outfit Girl by Molly

90s fashion is – like it or not – totally in. And so is Christmas. So for the 2014 Yuletide Season, let’s take all our fashion cues from Christmas movies of the 1990s, shall we?

Home Alone (1990)

When I was watching Home Alone with some nephews last week, I told them that this movie showed how people dressed when their mom and I were kids. Then, I realized that everyone looked almost exactly like they do now. Not sure if this is because we’ve 360’d back to 1990 fashion, because the costume designers aimed for a timeless look, or a bit of both.

There’s a lot of fashion here, so let’s take it category by category:

Outerwear

Please, try to suppress your rage at Kevin’s garbage family for the next few moments so we can focus on their outfits. Here’s what I’m seeing. A baseball-style coat on Buzz, a few of Kate Middleton-worthy cranberry-colored jackets, cheerful Fair Isle-type scarves, and some heavier coats that you can probably still buy from Patagonia or North Face. All outerwear that is entirely appropriate for winter 2014-2015.

The best, though, is Kevin’s tan parka with the red-green plaid flannel lining. And that knit reindeer hat? I’ll take one in an adult size, please.

Loungewear

No, you’re not looking at the early 90s J.C. Penney Christmas catalog. The garbage McCallisters are serving some serious pajama here, and I think we could stand to recreate it. I’d wear Kevin’s robe and PJs with the contrasting white piping. And how about those nightgowns? What do we have to do to bring those back?

I bet Fuller and the cousin over Kev’s shoulder are still wearing those same glasses, but now in an ironic hipster-y way.

Sweaters Forever

If left home alone, all of the little boys I know would remain in whatever they woke up in that morning because they “can’t find their clothes.” Even if they woke up on top of or next to their clothes. But not Kevin. Kevin appreciates a good chunky-knit sweater, and what can I say? So do we.

Turtlenecks Forever-ever

Turtlenecks are so silly (looks-wise) and practical (warmth-wise) that I kind of want to start wearing them again. But do I dare wear them under a button-up like Kev’s garbage relative?

Novelty Prints

My memories of 1990 are sketchy at best, but I do recall wearing a lot of silly, loud prints. To preserve the timeless aesthetic, the Home Alone costumers stuck to muted tones and L.L. Bean-y cuts instead of the neon monstrosities that most of us were wearing. Um. I would wear Fuller’s exact shirt. And maybe the glasses.

Miracle On 34th Street (1994)

Look At All These Freaking Coats

Obviously Susan’s mother made some serious bank, because I doubt most New Yorkers could even afford an apartment that would house this many beautiful, classic wool coats.

Everyone. There were more coats. It’s important that you know that there were even more coats, but I had to stop myself.

Ain’t No Collar Like A Peter Pan Collar Cause A Peter Pan Collar Don’t Pop

Like the costume designers of Home Alone, the folks behind Miracle on 34th Street aimed for a timeless production. And nothing quite says “timeless” like the Peter Pan collar — the collar that will never grow up, if you will.

I just feel like everyone’s all “oh, Zooey Deschanel, she’s the queen of the Peter Pan collar,” but long before Mara Wilson was a funny, relateable 20-something writer, she was doing big things for the Peter Pan collar industry.

While You Were Sleeping (1995)

Warm Stuff

Chicago is cold, but when you have a floppy knit tam or a newsboy cap, you won’t feel the chill. It was true in 1995 and is true 19 years later.

Ouch. Writing that “19 years later” part hurt a little.

Knit Stuff

Everybody had a chunky, oversized oatmeal-colored sweater, probably from The Gap or, like Barbara Moss or whatever. They were cozy as hell.

What’s so 90s about this? In addition to the thick chain stitch on Sandy’s sweater, I’m pretty sure it’s cropped, so it would fit right in now. Not like an above-the-belly-button thing, but this look where they were … my friend and I used to call them “awkwardly short.” Hitting right around your natural waist, so that if you raised your arms you were in trouble. Or you would have been, but it was 1995 and you were wearing a bodysuit so it was fine.

Ruggedly Handsome Stuff

Yes, please, gentlemen of 2014.

Stuff We’d Rather Forget

Nobody ever talks about this when they talk about 90s fashion, but there was this thing for a while where we were all like “fuck it, I’m just gonna put a rosette on this.” Seriously. Around this time my First Communion dress had a sailor collar that met in a rosette and to this day if you try to tell me I wasn’t hot shit, I will not hear it.

The Preacher’s Wife (1996)

This movie makes me want to lift my hands in praise … for its wardrobe department. Whitney looks like a Central Park ice skater from a Currier and Ives print. Really. The costume designers on The Preachers Wife are angels sent to bestow gifts on humankind. Proof: Denzel Washington dressed like a handsome man from the 1990s dressed like a handsome man from the 1940s.

So, I really like Whitney’s ensemble here. But I also have to note that if you were a preacher’s wife or a Catholic school teacher in the mid-90s, you definitely wore that front-button dress/ turtleneck combo into the ground. Still, as the weather turns chillier I find myself more and more into the long skirt/dress with boots look.

24Nov2014

Just Give Up And Make Your Entire Thanksgiving Dinner Out Of Jello Molds

Posted in Lists, Miscellany by Molly

In years past, Thanksgiving dinner had to meet two benchmarks: it had to be delicious, and it had to be sufficiently Thanskgiving-y. If you served traditional foods and they weren’t entirely awful, you were doing okay.

But now, depending on your audience, your Thanksgiving may be expected to meet the following criteria:

vegan
raw
raw vegan
“intermittently vegan”
freegan
macrobiotic
dairy-free
lacto-ovo vegetarian
gluten free
gluten intolerant
Instagram-able
Pinterest- worthy
nut free
tree-nut free
peanut free
low carb
low fat
things a caveman would eat
under 20 Weight Watchers points
ready after the parade
ready before the game
organic
local

Good luck and godspeed! Cooking Thanksgiving dinner is a game with no winner. Things are tougher than they used to be. Honestly, they’re tougher than they have to be. Once upon a time, you could make an entire Thanksgiving dinner out of Jello molds. And friends? YOU STILL CAN.

Potatoes

I’m of Irish descent. I like to believe that somewhere out there in the universe, my ancestors know that I have access to so many potatoes – so many damn potatoes – that I can mutilate them into the shape of a giant, awful donut and the texture of Gak if I so please. Now, the potatoes are going to have to be a potato salad instead of a traditional mash, but I think you could also add plain gelatin to your mashed potatoes and set it into the mold.

Stuffing (Dressing if you’re nasty)

This really captures the essence of stuffing but without the bread and without having been inside a bird’s tushie. You have your carrots, your celery, your little bits of meat… basically everything but your will to live and your breakfast. Because if you’re eating this, you’ve probably lost both.

Cranberry Sauce

Do you serve can-shaped cranberry sauce? Then you have been letting Big Cran dictate the shape of your cranberry sauce-loaf for far too long. It CAN be shaped like a jello mold and I’d argue that it SHOULD be, too.

Squash

The thing about squash is that if served it in its skin and cut lengthwise, it already is compactly and neatly shaped and suitable for consumption by the toothless. That is exactly the kind of thinking that killed the jello mold. You can eat your squash as a jiggly square and you should never let anybody tell you differently.

Turkey

For a gentler turkey-carving experience, replace the revving of an electric carving knife with the gloppy, sloshing thhhwaaaack of a slotted spoon moving through Jello.

Brussels Sprouts

For many palates, Brussels sprouts are a veggie that needs a little gussying up. What could be more gussied than letting your sprouts go for a dip in a egg noodle and cheese sauce swimmin’ hole?

Green Beans

Usually green beans enter the Thanksgiving table not because anyone loves them, but because at some point you look at all of the beige-y brown stuff you’re ingesting and realize that you should probably add something green. Voila – this ring of algae-looking green bean crud! If you’re a green bean casserole traditionalist (the recipe from the Campbell’s soup can), you can still top this with a drizzle of cream of mushroom soup and a sprinkling of freeze-dried onions (aka “astronaut onions”).

Pumpkin Pie

If you can shape your turkey like a dessert you can 100% also shape your dessert like a turkey – through the magic of jello molds!

Coffee

Want some coffee with your pie? Sure, we can do that.

Eggnog

Go ahead, spike it.

20Nov2014

Quotes From Jaden & Willow Smith’s Crazy Interview – Reimagined As Tumblr Cliches

Posted in Entertainment, Miscellany by Molly

If it’s not too forward of me to say, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith are raising a couple of silly gooses. Willow and Jaden Smith gave an interview to T Magazine this week, and it’s full of quotes that I almost can’t believe. Except I can believe them, because these children were educated by special Scientology schooling and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. It’s basically like an interview with that guy from your freshman year dorm who just discovered weed, 100-level philosophy, and socialism at the same time.

I’m sure the Smith children are on a path to becoming caring, well-rounded adults. But even the most grounded adults have cringe-worthy teen years to look back on. Jaden and Willow seem to have missed out on their teenage awkward phase, face-wise. Mazel! But they’ll always have this interview to remember and shudder.

As silly as their interview is, I’ve noticed that if you pull quotes and superimpose them onto tumblr cliches (pictures of the cosmos; hand-lettering) they aren’t that different from stuff everyone’s already posting and reposting.

That’s why we re-imagined these quotes from Jaden and Willow Smith’s crazy T Magazine interview as tumblr cliches:

1) Quote in sans serif font superimposed over a picture taken by a space telescope:

2) Quote in shaky hand-lettering of varying sizes and styles:

3. Photo of an old-Hollywood icon with a quote they didn’t say in typewriter font:

4. Quote displayed as ransom note-style strips of text atop an unrelated photograph, maybe from the 1920s or something:

5. PUPPIES! And then an entire comment comprised of hashtags:

#so when one thought goes into your mind #it’s not just one thought # it has to bounce off both hemispheres of the brain #when you’re thinking about something happy you’re thinking about something sad #when you think about an apple #you also think about the opposite of an #apple

6. A child-like, line-drawn comic illustrating the quote:

14Nov2014

Unpopular Opinions: I Don’t Understand The Butt Zeitgeist

Posted in Entertainment, GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Miscellany by Molly

So. Kim Kardashian’s butt, huh?

That’s probably how most of your water cooler, bus stop, and family dinner conversations have started for the past few days. When I saw the #BreakTheInternet booty drop, my first thought was (with a sigh) “ugh, I guess we should probably cover that.”

I mean “cover” both in terms of writing about it, and in terms of “will somebody please put some pants or culottes or a skort or bloomers on that lady? Because we cannot publish that photo on our blog.”

Nobody can deny that the butt is having a moment. From Kim Kardashian to Nicki Minaj, from the new, reality TV judge version of J.Lo to that one Drake video, butts are everywhere. But get ready for an unpopular opinion: I just don’t find butts exciting. Pop culture blasphemy, I know.

Here’s the main thing I don’t get: everybody has a butt. Man or woman, child or elderly, famous or infamous, humans all have butts. Kim Kardashian has a butt? So did Richard Nixon. So does Barbara Walters. Shirley Temple had a butt her whole life, as did W.W.F. wrestler Yokozuna and artist/musician Yoko Ono. Are you sitting down to read this? Congratulations! You are sitting on your very own butt. If you are standing, stop and look behind you. Your butt is there, following wherever you go, like a loyal dog or Peter Pan’s shadow. In fact, when I think of the people who don’t have butts – twins conjoined back to back, people who are amputated at the waist – they are so rare that they are the interesting ones.

You might say “yeah, but Kim Kardashian and Nicki Minaj have amazing butts!” And to that I say this: I actually don’t know what a good butt is. Okay? It’s a personal blind spot. I have a friend who doesn’t know what it means when you say that food is stale. When everyone started griping about a stale box of crackers, she grabbed a few, trying to discern what we all meant. That’s how I feel about butts. Whenever someone says that a guy has a cute butt, I look it over, trying to figure out why. I ask questions like the youngest child at Butt Seder: “why is this butt different from all other butts?” For Kardashian, I guess it’s that her butt is above-average sized, but that alone doesn’t explain it. After all, didn’t ladies in old sitcoms bring their long-suffering husbands shopping to ask whether their butt looked big in those pants? There must be something else – a je ne sais butt – but that sounds like a lot of hot air (also delivering a lot of hot air: BUTTS. Remind me, again, why they’re appealing?)

Now, I don’t walk the earth ignorant of my own butt. I’ve even joked about printing up business cards reading “It’s an ass, not a conversation piece.” With maybe an asterisk leading to the back of the card: “* Unless I put a coffee table book or some modern art back there.” But it’s hard to get a good concept of your own posterior, and maybe next time I’ll press for details: “What sets my butt apart from the other butts that are also minding their own business at this bus stop?” I doubt I’d get a good answer, though, because anyone who strikes up a convo about a stranger’s butt is probably full of shit (also full of shit: BUTTS).

So here’s my final quibble with Butt Zeitgeist 2K14: butts are funny. They are – if anything – a comedy body part. Weird things and noises come out of them. Children laugh at them. For months, my nephews ran around saying “booty!” solely because it’s a funny word. [When my sister told her 5-year-old to cut it out, he said “what, mom? It’s just like boot.” Kiddo didn’t even know what it meant.] One time, a man hit on my friend by telling her she had a “great pooper.” That is funny. You know why mooning people was a trendy prank in the mid-20th century? Because it’s the world’s easiest sight gag. And the number of memes based on Kim Kardashian’s Paper Magazine cover prove that I’m not the only one who finds butts more hilarious than hot.

As a first grader, I remember mentally cataloging what the funniest body part was every year. In preschool, kids got a kick out of noses, because, you know, blowing your nose was still a triumph and a challenge at that point. In kindergarten, feet took the cake. But as a wise six-year-old, I knew that butts… butts reigned supreme.

And apparently, they still do.

12Nov2014

Things I’m Willing To Believe About Leonardo DiCaprio

Posted in Entertainment, Miscellany by Molly

Leonardo DiCaprio turned 40 yesterday – if sources like Entertainment Tonight, Wikipedia, his birth certificate, and Father Time are to be believed. I’m not so sure about that. As we discussed in Things I’m Willing To Believe About Ben Affleck, I have very specific, baseless concepts of what celebrities are like (Affleck, for instance, is a blue-collar Boston mensch). And in my imagination, Leo will always be a mischievous yet sensitive teenager of the 1990s: even if it’s the 2010s, even if he’s 40.

With that in mind, here are some things I’m willing to believe about Leonardo DiCaprio:

Whenever he’s not working, Leo reverts to what he calls his “off-duty haircut.” You know the one:

You may have noticed that a lot of DiCaprio’s girlfriends are the same type – lean and model-y, with open faces and lank blond hair. This isn’t because he only dates models. It’s because they remind him of the most beautiful woman in the world: his beloved Gran-Gran.

So the man knows what he likes.

The part of you that was once a Titanic-obsessed 11-year-old probably remembers when Leo was quoted as saying “The human mouth is one of the dirtiest things on this planet. There’s so much bacteria, slime and trapped food–a dog’s mouth is much cleaner.” But did you know that he only said that because he’s totally the kind of guy who lets strange dogs come up to him and lick his hand? Dogs love him.

Speaking of dogs, yes, Leo has one. And yes, it’s a rescue dog, but you know what? Leo knows when to shut up about it.

And when I say “rescue dog,” I mean the whole shebang. Like, one of those sad ones with an eye-patch and a wheel. No big deal.

During the cast Christmas party on the Titanic set, DiCaprio played Santa. None of the kids knew.

And he got them all Nerf Super Soakers. They had water fights every week….

And still do:
During the filming of Romeo + Juliet, Leo begged Baz Luhrman to change the ending – claiming that it would be “too sad for Claire.”

But of course, it was really because he was afraid of keeping it together.

And if you think that, to this day, Leo can hear Lovefool without crying, you’re an idiot.

When Leo became a teen heartthrob, he vowed to use his powers for good. That’s why he made a pledge to star in the film adaptation of every high school required reading book. He’s already knocked Romeo +Juliet and The Great Gatsby off the list, and is really gunning for a role in an adaptation of I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings or The Catcher In The Rye.

Although the internet (and my memories of 1998, to be honest) tell me that Leo’s middle name is Wilhelm, I like to believe that it’s actually something more “all-American boy in the 1980s,” like Cody or Chad or Shane.

Leonardo DiCaprio still uses the word “rad.”

Recently, Leo bought a case of “the best toothpaste in the world” off of eBay.

Leo has “the boys” over for game night every week. “Game night” means video games – and Leo prefers N64 and Sega to all those modern systems.

And though a leading man in his day job, he prefers to play as Luigi and Yoshi. Just that kind of guy.
Leonardo DiCaprio’s fridge is always stocked with Sunny D.
Typical party at Leo’s place.
During the first screening of Titanic, Leo turned to James Cameron and whispered “dude. It was NOT COOL to show that dead baby’s head in the wreckage.” Cameron was forced to explain that it was actually a doll:
When a special effects team was debating how to age Leonardo to play J. Edgar Hoover, the eerily baby-faced Leo told them: “hold tight, I have a portrait in my attic you could use for reference.”
It was a joke. Leo reads books, remember?

In his rumpus room (oh yeah, Leo has a rumpus room), DiCaprio has a dart board with an image of the Oscar statuette at the center.

Inspired by an article in Oprah’s O Magazine, Leo recently created a vision board. It’s all just pictures of Oscars, Kate Winslet, and skateboards. Despite his public protestations, DiCaprio still thinks of Winslet as “the one that got away. ” And he just always thought it would be fun to know how to skateboard.

It really hurt his feelings when older brothers across the nation began referring to him as “Leonardo DiCrapio in the late 90s.

Before DiCaprio goes on Kelly and Michael, his publicist always has to remind him that it is not, in fact, called “The Regis Show.”

10Nov2014

Everybody Who’s Anybody Is On Sesame Street

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by Molly

I have been waiting YEARS for someone to tell me how to get to Sesame Street. They drop the question in the theme song, but the show debuted 45 years ago today and still nobody has answered it.

When I was 3, one of the kids who hung around Mr. Hooper’s store looked like my neighborhood best friend, and I stewed for days over how she got on the show.

In preschool, Sesame Street led to my first ever wave of nostalgia. On a class field trip, my teacher turned on Sesame Street for us in her conversion van, and I realized that the show was still airing every day without me – when I was stuck playing duck duck goose with a bunch of sticky-handed tots who couldn’t even read yet. Remember, this was 1990, when there were no 24-hour children’s networks or YouTube clips. The only way to get to Sesame Street was to stay home from school.

A few years after that, one of my friends was convinced she was going to be on Sesame Street because of a donation her mom made during the annual PBS drive. Nope, that’s not how you get to Sesame Street either!

And now, as a full adult, I’d like to get to Sesame Street more than ever. Sure, part of it is that it represents a time in life when you could watch t.v. in your pajamas during the day. But mostly, these days it’s all about the guest stars. These clips make me feel as mad as I did in 1990, realizing that Sesame Street dares to go on without me every day:

Comedians Are On Sesame Street!

Jon Stewart delivered the fake, fake news.

Amy Poehler exercised (sort of!) with Elmo.

Ricky Gervais says “stumble” so many times it no longer sounds like a word.

And Cedric The Entertainer makes me wonder whether canteens are more relevant to kids’ lives than I realized. I grew up in the era of juice boxes.

Tina Fey is some sort of a book pirate.

What’s more adorable than Jimmy Fallon? Jimmy Fallon with Elmo. It’s all a bit much for me.

Maya Rudolph raps, sings and dances with Elmo. Also I think she has a real future in children’s television, if she wants it.

Conan O’Brien does startlingly good dog impressions.

Even Saturday Night Live itself is on Sesame Street.

Actors Are On Sesame Street!

John Kraskinski talks about the meaning of the word soggy, interacts with a non-Elmo Muppet, and is just generally as cute as a bug’s ear.

And he’s not the only cast member of The Office to make the trip from Scranton to… is it supposed to be New York? Steve Carrell teaches us about the importance of voting and snacks.

Melissa McCarthy learns choreography from a penguin with Elmo and it’s exactly as delightful as it sounds.

Jonah Hill is making sure today’s youth are aware of the inexplicable mustache trend that’s sweeping the nation.

Benedict Cumberbatch is just generally rakishly charming, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Tom Hiddleston. See comments re: Cumberbatch, Benedict.

Kristen Bell instructs us on the word “splatter” but does not instruct us on how she has managed not to age since Veronica Mars.

Our hometown hero, Taye Diggs, makes a three-year-old puppet drive him around.

Musicians Are On Sesame Street!

Remember when you couldn’t get away from Call Me Maybe? Well, it even made it to Sesame Street (no Carly Rae Jepsen, though).

Bruno Mars doesn’t want you to give up if you’re the kind of child who is bad at catching balls.

Usher teaches the alphabet and it’s just really, really good.

Even Queen Bey herself made it to Sesame Street, during her Destiny’s Child days.

You may remember this Katy Perry performance because a bunch of parents got mad that their toddlers, who stopped breastfeeding probably under 2 years ago, were exposed to Perry’s boobs. I really don’t know.

Delightful tap-percussioned group Tilly And The Wall even swung by for ~~kids~~ parents who are a bit more into the indie scene.

Political Figures Are On Sesame Street!

Sandra Sotomayor is hanging out with Abby Cadabby, melting my cold lawyerly heart, and letting kids know that princess isn’t a job.

Kofi Annan suggests that the muppets resolve their conflict “the United Nations Way”; thereby creating a “choose your own punchline” moment for the grownups watching.

Michelle Obama does a little light gardening.

And lest you think Sesame Street is partisan, Laura Bush reads a book.

Assorted famous people of 1991 are on Sesame Street!

We focused on currently famous folks, but Sesame Street has been hosting celebs since before the age of the remote control. This video features a number of early 90s superstars, but if you search through the Sesame Street archives you can find many more guest stars who were on the show while you were stuck in school, wishing for another field trip so you could hop in a conversion van and get to Sesame Street via the grainy tv set.

6Nov2014

How to Cry in Public

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Miscellany by Molly

Everybody cries. And in our dog-eat-dog, overly connected world, everybody has probably cried in public. Whether it’s a rough day at work, a funeral, or something sneaking out of your memory and into your eyeholes at in inopportune time, it’s a simple fact of life. You don’t have to feel bad about it, but you do probably want to minimize the damage:

(1) Stop It Before It Starts

Yawn

It’s been proven … somewhere … that fake yawning can help prevent real crying.

Pinch The Bridge Of Your Nose

I have no support for this except that it occasionally works for me.

Breathe deeply and tap the tips of your fingers, rapidly and one at a time, to the tip of your thumb.

When I accidentally took a meditation class in law school (long story?) I learned that I cannot meditate – or think, really – while sitting still. My brain works best when I’m able to shut down part of it by focusing on physical movement. Walking is best, but if you’re stuck where you are, try rapidly drumming your fingers against your thumb. It keeps a tiny bit of your brain busy – if you’re lucky, the part that’s a newly-opening tear factory.

Try a crying mantra

Repeat a phrase over and over again to yourself, like “not now” or or “don’t think about it” – but don’t do it out loud. Better to be the person who is crying in public than the person reciting a crying mantra in public.

(2) Go To A Second Location

Make a quick exit to the bathroom.

People might think you’re crying, but they also might think you have diarrhea. That sounds like a lose-lose, but since they don’t see you cry, you can still remain a beautiful mystery.

Take a walk

If it’s a situation where it’s not weird for you to leave, get out of there and get moving. People may see you cry as you walk by, but you’re gone in a flash. Plus, movement helps your brain do something other than cry.

Assess your workplace cry-zones

Like kindergarteners making maps of their household fire plans during Fire Prevention Week, know your escape routes before an emergency arises.

Not every bathroom is a good crying bathroom. Some have too much traffic, or are single-stall deals that may leave you crying in the hallway while you wait for someone to finish their business. If so, excuse yourself to your work station (full disclosure: I have my own office, which basically means I am the person that the #blessed hashtag was created for. But it comes with its own crying perils: last month I had a street view of a police officer’s funeral. It was a 3-hanky day.). Once there, busy yourself. If you work in an office setting, maybe there is an empty conference room that you could weep in. Make sure that it’s empty first, though, because folks will remember the snot-faced person who barged into their meeting.

En route to your second location, carry your cell phone in full view.

Then instead of crying over something stupid, it becomes plausible that you just received bad news or have to make a rough phone call. People will be less likely to stop you.

(3) Create A Task

If you’re already in tear mode and haven’t been able to remove yourself from the situation, I want you to create something to do. This can busy your mind enough that the tears will go away. It can be a real task, like refilling snacks or cleaning up garbage at a party. It can also be an imaginary one, like counting mustaches at a funeral.

(4) Fix Your Face

Water yourself like the beautiful flower that you are

Cold water is your friend. Splash it on your face and into your eyeballs. This may wash off your makeup, but your makeup is already ruined unless you wore waterproof mascara (what, did you KNOW you were going to be crying today?).

Drink a lot of water, too: it’s good for your puffy skin and your tear-hangover.

Ice, Ice Baby

Get a cold soda can and press it against your face. You can also use an ice pack or frozen veggies if you have them. It will cool down and depuff your skin.

Your eyes are the windows to your soul and the whole world is full of peeping toms.

What I mean is, cover your eyes as you would a window you didn’t want people to look in. If you can’t wear sunglasses, try these:

Gently tap your undereye area and the corners of your eye with your fingertips.
Are you publicly crying in a place where you have access to milk? Soak a cotton ball or a balled-up tissue in it and leave it on your eyelids for a while.
If you have eye drops handy, use them.
Pop an anti-inflamatory. It might bring down your face-poof, but if not it will still help knock out your crying headache.

(5) Live To Cry Another Day

So, you cried in public. It’s fine. Anybody has a problem with that has a problem with the fact that you’re a human person with feelings and tear ducts. If anyone looked at you like you were crazy, it can be fun to craft crying revenge scenarios. If you are crying because someone honked at you, just imagine how dumb he would feel if he knew that your dog just died. And that snippy lady at that bank would sure feel cruddy if she realized that you just got dumped. Then, find something that always makes you happy, whether it’s a favorite funny movie or a friend who’s good at making you feel better. You may be a snot-faced tear factory, but so is almost everybody else.

Saturday Spotlight: National Chris Pratt Day??

23Oct2014

Reasons I Failed To Successfully Live Blog “Twitches”

Posted in Entertainment by Molly

It’s October, and around here, October means live blogging low-budget children’s Halloween movies. Or, usually it does. For the following reasons, I sat down to live blog Twitches, a DCOM (that’s a Disney Channel Original Movie for you adult-acting grownups out there) starring Tia and Tamera Mowry as teenaged twin witches, but just could not finish the job:

1. I Didn’t Know There Would Be Tia And Tamera

Look, I’m not the best at vetting crappy tween movies before I watch them. And by “not the best,” I mean the actual worst. As in, when we went to From Justin To Kelly circa 2003, I didn’t realize that it would be a full musical.

idiot.

It’s been a decade, but I still can’t believe that that was a theatrical release. It wouldn’t even have made a good TV movie. It seems like something the counselors would write for the show at the end of summer camp, but at like a decidedly non-performing-arts-y summer camp.

Anyway, I didn’t know that the Mowry twins would be in this, and I spent the first 10 minutes or so trying to see if I could decide which was which. Disney gave one straight hair and one curly hair, which was nice, and their genetic code gave one a mole and one no mole, which is even nicer, but still.

I Googled it later, by the way. Tamera. Tamera has the mole. Tamera is also the reason that I spent my entire childhood mispronouncing the name “Tamara.”

2. Then, I got ticked because they couldn’t even find a new way for Tia and Tamera to meet each other

Please, don’t think I’m the kind of person who hates Tia and Tamera Mowry. I did watch Sister, Sister. I’m not a monster. And I clearly remember the two girls meeting while trying on clothes in a department store. And it happened again here! Come on, Disney. Give the gals something else to work with. Even Lindsay Lohan got to meet her twin at summer camp. Heck, I met my long-lost lookalike cousin at a family reunion. There’s more than one way to find out you have a double out there. Orphan Black has found like 10 ways. Lazy.

If you didn’t have that hat, you were nothing.

3. The Outfits Were Too… Too

I didn’t see this movie when it first came out. It’s not that I was watching highbrow television in 2005. I hadn’t even grown out of children’s entertainment about twins: I remember watching an old Mary Kate And Ashley dance party VHS while pregaming to go out around that time. I just missed this one. While it’s tempting to feel like 2005 was mere moments ago, it was almost a decade in the past and we don’t dress like this anymore:

Although, did anyone dress like that, ever?

The mid-2000s fashions were too much for me. But the Disney Channel had its own sparkly, sequiny velour-ful take on 2005 style that is frankly an assault on both the eyeballs and good taste.

4. Everyone In This Movie Is Too Accepting Of Magic, Secret Twins, Etc.

It’s a children’s Halloween movie, and I can suspend disbelief. But would it be too much to have the characters be a little shocked to find that they’re secret twins with special powers? Harry Potter was like “WTF is this owl about” and even that girl from Halloweentown was a little confused. I’m just asking for 2 minutes of incredulity.

APPROPRIATE REACTION —>

5. What Sort Of 21st Birthday Is That??

I guess finding your secret twin could derail your plans, but whose 21st birthday was that tame? I can’t remember mine all the way but I’m sure it was more fun than that. In all fairness they did talk about a party that the rich Mowry was going to have (Tiamera? Tameria?) but I quit by that point.

6. Wait. Who Are Those Adults?

While I was taking notes on the outfits, this guy Karsh starts showing up. He’s magic and looks like the human version of a fancy dog. And he brought his bestie Ileana, a woman with flipped-out hair who dresses like Tara from Buffy. They’re boring.

7. Sudafed Sleep

Yesterday I took Sudafed for some sinus stuff, and I was awake every half hour that night. I was at least interested in what my sleep graph would look like on my Fitbit… but my sleep was so restless that I had ripped it from my person and flung it onto a faraway throw pillow at some point in the night.

So by the time Twitches aired, my Sudafed-speed-meth energy had worn out and I was just a tired lady with congested nasal passages.

8. Frankly, I Just Didn’t Get That Into It

After 45 minutes or so, I completely gave up. It didn’t have the 90s nostalgia value, or the all-star cast, of Hocus Pocus. It didn’t have the low-budget childish silliness of Halloweentown. It was starring grown adults, which seems a bit weird for a Disney movie.

I really did sort-of try to live blog Twitches. But you know what they say about trying: it’s the number one cause of failure.

21Oct2014

Tiny Crush Tuesday: Marcel The Shell With Shoes On

Posted in Entertainment by Molly

I think everyone knows what it’s like to feel tiny. Maybe, like me, you waited around for a late high school growth spurt, only to find it leaving you at 5’2 (if they invent time travel, please tell my nine-year-old self that she can shelve that copy of Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret for another decade or so, and also that those exercises don’t work). Even if you aren’t physically small, you’ve probably been the least-accomplished person in your grad school classes, or the new guy at work. If you’ve always felt both full-sized and adequate, that’s very nice but you can stop reading and go back to self-actualizing and exceeding expectations and knowing what’s on the top shelf of your cupboard; we’re done here.

Marcel The Shell With Shoes On is a big star – the focus of three YouTube videos and two books – who knows a thing or two about being tiny. The Marcel videos have garnered millions of YouTube views; the third video, posted yesterday, is edging up on a million hits already. A big factor in his success is that while most of us are not sneaker-wearing mollusks, we all know what it’s like to feel small. I mean, except for those large, successful people who we dismissed in the first paragraph. But that little shell is so self-assured and confident, and doesn’t want anyone to feel sorry that he can’t nibble on cheese without experiencing a cholesterol event, or that his sister Marissa took an ill-fated journey on a balloon.

Sure, Marcel has a few setbacks. He has to deal with the idiots of the sea (shrimps), wishes he had a dog (although lint is a shell’s best friend), and longs for a nickname (don’t we all? I finally got one in college, but it was Smalls, and I tried telling everyone that it was stupid, but I don’t think they could hear me because my tiny voice died out before it floated up to their ears). And he fears his household Bichon, who, like so many Bichons before him, has a distinctive face-smell and only cares about snoozin’ and treats. But Marcel handles everything in a matter-of-fact way, with these little bursts of confidence. It reminds you that moments of tininess are a part of the human experience (and shell experience as well?) that you can acknowledge without shame, because everyone’s been there. Except those buffoons from paragraph one.

But while adults feel small some of the time, children feel small all of the time. Do you have children in your family? You can’t buy their love, but you also don’t need to. The three Marcel shorts are free on YouTube. Marcel is my nieces’ and nephews’ favorite thing ever. I know you aren’t supposed to get small children to calm down by sticking them in front of a screen, but frankly they aren’t my children and these videos work better than anything else I’ve tried. Marcel videos have defused so many grumpy kid moments, and garnered me so much Fun Aunt status, that I think I owe Jenny Slate and Dean Fleischer-Camp some kind of Edible Arrangement or cookie bouquet. And for Marcel, a single cherry cordial that he could work his way through over the course of several holiday seasons.

Even better, if you know children or were one once, Marcel is the star of two fantastic children’s books. The first, Marcel The Shell With Shoes On: Things About Me, has the nephew seal of approval: I bought it for Hank’s fourth birthday in July and he’s nearly worn it out. The second, The Most Surprised I’ve Ever Been, hits bookstores today. The first book, at least, is also available as an audiobook if your Marcel voice isn’t up to par. As I start to realize that my favorite childhood books were about self-important jerks like Amy March and creepy church hags like Marilla Cuthbert, it always feels nice when you find picturebooks that both kids and adults can enjoy.

Weirdly specific selling point: Things About Me is hand-lettered in a spidery curlicue script. This means that you get to read the book out loud to kids who are independent readers but haven’t learned cursive yet. After kids learn to read there are fewer and fewer chances to read aloud to them, but it’s good for them. And for you: makes you feel big, makes them feel small, which – Marcel would tell you – isn’t so bad.