Category Archives: GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself)

Kid Sleepovers vs. Big Kid Sleepovers

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Miscellany by

Before you continue reading, get your mind out of the gutter. The sleepovers I’m talking about have nothing to do with shacking up with a significant other. It’s about the pure (semi-pure) and un-adulterated (adult) sleepovers with your gal or guy pals to celebrate friendship. I’ve gone to a number of these over the past few years, and I am such an advocate of them. We’re all so busy with our own lives, and while we get to hang out with our friends on a semi-regular basis, it’s not the same when you spend 12+ hours together in a confined area with an endless amount of snacks and booze.

Obviously there are big differences between having these sleepovers as a child and as an adult, and I’m here to help you realize that grown-up sleepovers are just what you need in your life right now to *reconnect* with your nearest and dearest. Just be aware that things have changed since you were 13 years old.

Juice Boxes vs. Wine

We all know the secret to any get together is booze. Unless you’re Mormon on an alcoholic, it’s mandatory at every event you go to, and I feel even more crucial if you’re attending a sleepover. As kids, you’d get soda or apple juice or grape juice – and I guess it’s kind of the same if you count wine as grape juice.

Boys vs. Men

Mrs. DiCaprio. Mrs. Leo DiCaprio. Mrs. Leonardo DiCaprio. *signs name over and over again* When we’re tweens, we discuss matters of the heart like, ‘Wanye asked me for a pen today in class and he totally touched my hand for too long when he grabbed it from me what does this mean??’. All the talk is the ‘what ifs’ and questioning what it would be like to kiss so and so and who’s likes who at school. And then when you grow up, it’s all real. It’s tangible. Your friends are engaged, in long-term relationships, married, have babies, the topic changes from ‘what would it be like to kiss Wanye’ to ‘I am going to strangle Wanye’s mother over these wedding plans.’ It ranges from why you think your friend’s boyfriend isn’t good enough to what kind of birth control you’re on, and nap time patterns for the little ones. The things you always thought were so far away as a kid are currently staring at you straight in the face.

Staying Up All Night vs. I’m Gonna Pass Out

In my mid-20s, I had a sleepover where we stayed up until like 4:30 in the morning. This isn’t totally out of character for me because I am insane and go to bed around 2:30-3am. However, it’s different when you’re interacting with your friends until that time of day/night. It felt like we were kids again, staying up as long as we could to prove that… we could. Albeit, as kids, staying up “late” basically meant anything after like, 11pm. But at the most recent sleepover I attended, I could’ve sworn it was lights out by like 1:30-2am. And on top of that, we were super organized about it because we arranged who was bringing sleeping bags and where everyone was sleeping. And no one fought to stay up late, because we’re all old now and need our beauty rest for real.

Kid Movies vs. Serious Movies

Let’s be honest. We watched Save the Last Dance a few weeks ago. That is the same exact movie I watched when I attended sleepovers as a kid. This is exactly the same.

Parental Superversion vs. Significant Other Supervision

Part of the allure of sleepovers as a kid is that you’ll be with your best friends with only one or two parents around to check in on your shenanigans. It’s also helpful that the responsibility of buying food and cleaning up isn’t yours and that you don’t have to worry about making breakfast in the morning. As an adult, you take on all that responsibility on yourself – and you also might have significant others wondering about your whereabouts and supervising your life in a different way.

Pranks vs. No Pranks

I (luckily) never had friends who were dumb enough to do pranks like the freezing of the bra and writing on sleeping faces and putting hands in water so they’ll pee. Like, what is wrong with kids? Anyways, I guess it wasn’t that much different for me as an adult since I suppose I keep similar company, because those pranks still don’t happen.

Games vs. Social Media Stalking

Games at girls’ sleepovers always involve boys, like MASH and Truth or Dare or scary paranormal stuff like Light as a Feather or Bloody Mary. What happened to us as children? Anyways, as fun as those may be, we as adults like to play a different game that involves stalking people on social media and talking about them because we’re only human.

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There Are A Lot Of Reasons To Hate Surprise Parties

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by

I’m not an April Fools’ Day person. Neither of us are. Wasting my time in the service of a joke that’s never even funny? No thanks. I’m also not a birthday person. I know this is aggravating, because I don’t want my loved ones to Sixteen Candles it and forget my birthday, but I also don’t want anyone to make a big fuss. This is actually more demanding than asking your friends to throw a straight-up bash, and for that I apologize. But you know what I don’t apologize for? Hating surprise parties, a.k.a. the birthday version of April Fools Day, a.k.a. the kind of parties they throw in hell. Seriously. When the devil has a birthday, John Wilkes Booth and freaking Hitler and like … is Genghis Khan something people still talk about?… all collude to get the devil to “meet his sister for brunch” so all his friends can leap out at him from the shadows. Screw surprise parties.

Surprise parties play into two of my biggest fears: people doing things without me, and people knowing things that I don’t. I’ve felt this way since I was a toddler. My mom used to make my siblings put on a mock-bedtime, saying their prayers and brushing their teeth, because I couldn’t go to sleep if I thought that everyone else was awake. Strike one: doing things without me. When I found out that everyone had been faking bedtime behind my back, I was livid. By the way, I found out when I was like 22. Strike two: knowing things I don’t.

I don’t even like when the animal kingdom tries to get the better of me. The other day I was walking my dog when we came across a flock of deer. As we passed not 20 feet away from them, the deer stood statue-still, hoping that we wouldn’t notice them. I could not let those deer think they had fooled me. I yelled “bye, deer!” after we passed them just so those animals knew damn well that I knew.

You ever know someone where your friends are like “you two should totally go out” or “we all know you’re going to end up together?” I will never let that happen, so strong is my aversion to people thinking they know my life.

And let’s talk about outfits. At least one day a week, I hate what I’m wearing by midday. That means that there is a solid one in seven chance that I would attend my own party wearing something I don’t even like. See? There are a lot of reasons to hate surprise parties.

Worst of all, all of your loved ones have to make a ruse of forgetting or not caring about a major life event, whether it’s a birthday, an engagement, or an anniversary. Two hours of being showered with love do not make up for weeks of thinking that everyone’s being a dick.

It wasn’t always like this. I was the victim of a surprise party when I was a kid, and I liked it.  It was a simple pool party at my aunt’s house, in late summer when I hadn’t seen some of my friends for months. My birthday was in September, so I never saw it coming. But even at 11 years old, I felt like such a putz. Having the wool pulled over your eyes isn’t better just because there’s confetti in the wool. My aunt didn’t really pick me up because she wanted me to go swimming at her house … I mean she did, she just wanted me to go swimming with cake and all of my best friends. Okay, I already admitted that my anti-surprise party stance is aggravating. And my mom didn’t ask who my best friends were because she cared, she asked because … she cared and wanted to invite them to a party to celebrate my birth. She’s a good mom, okay? But my outfit was still stupid.

Besides, I was a child then. As far as I’m concerned, big birthdays, as well as low-grade holidays like April Fools’ Day and Valentine’s Day, are for children. They just aren’t a good use of time. I mean, everybody was born once, it’s not that big a deal. Also, Surprise Parties are the party version of pranks, and you know how we feel about pranks: they’re jokes for unfunny people.

The worst is when you meet a family or friend group who do surprise parties for everything. Every time Ruth has a birthday or Margie has a baby, everyone pretends they aren’t doing anything for it, makes them go to some dumb fake outing, then – BAM! – they throw a party at them. And if you ask why they didn’t just tell Ruth or Margie that they were throwing a party,they’ll be like “oh, she’d say she doesn’t want it.”

YO. THAT’S BECAUSE RUTH DOESN’T WANT A PARTY, THEN. Respect that. There are a lot of reasons to hate surprise parties. I get it.

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Evolution of Drinking, As Told By A Lame Adult

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Miscellany by

It is St. Patrick’s Day. Despite the fact I grew up around a lot of Irish folks at school (see: Molly, our school’s mascot “Lil’ Irish”), and have seen traditional Irish dancing more times than you would think, I’m still not a big celebrator of the biggest drinking day of the year. And that’s probably why. I probably drink alcohol a little less than what is considered average for a human. Water is usually my drink of choice when I go out (unless I’m feelin like a big spender) and I’ve never really come home and wound down with an alcoholic bev (unless I’m under some maj stress).

So on this St. Patrick’s Day, I urge you lovely readers to celebrate responsibly, and also judge my drinking habits through the years. My evolution of drinking is what some consider lame and embarrassing, but whatever. I’ll sip my iced coffee and y’all drink your Guinness and we’ll be straight. Slainte!

High School

Drink of Choice: Smirnoff Ice

I’m basing this next fact off of high school romcoms like Can’t Hardly Wait and American Pie, but I was a late bloomer when it came to drinking. I didn’t enjoy the sweet taste of alcohol and being drunk until the summer before senior year. I clearly remember being at our friend’s cottage and getting “shitfaced” on Smirnoff Ice and Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Now, I’d have to throw back at least 10 of those to even feel buzzed, but apparently back then, it out took a few to rap and dance around a kitchen wearing a paper crown.

Freshman Year of College

Bud Light

I feel like it’s important I note that in high school, I swore off beer for some reason. I don’t remember what I had against it, but I remember that my friends knew I didn’t drink beer. By the time I got to college, that’s all they had at parties (the total of like 5 I attended freshman year). So I really had no choice. I stuck with the easy one, though. Also, there was a  time I went to some party and a frat dude started pouring me and my friend Jack and Cokes, but I don’t drink soda (I’m a winner), and he had already poured like a 1/4 cup (?) of Jack in the cup so he just handed me the Jack sans Coke. Poor decisions.

Sophomore Year of College

Screwdrivers

My good friend had taken bartending classes around this time, and instead of making her make me a fancy drink, I made her make me screwdrivers because orange juice was easily available at the school’s convenience store in our building. She also made a lot of Sex of the Beaches for me. I lived on the edge.

Junior Year of College

Midori Sour

I tried to up my game a bit and I thought I was being classy by ordering Midori Sours, which my fried described as Ecto Coolers. Because they’re bright neon green and taste like juice. So classy, I know. It’s weird I didn’t have more friends.

Somewhere In Between All This

Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots

I later got sick (not literally) of drinking so many drinks just to get drunk, it was like an annoying task for me. So my new theory was to just take shots and nix the cocktails and beers all together. What an idiot.

Senior Year of College

Long Island Iced Tea

Apparently it took 22 years for me to figure out the power and kick Long Islands have, and it was exactly what I wanted. A lot of alcohol in a compact drink, enough to make me only kind of remember what had happened last night. It was my go to at my favorite Boston bar (RIP Sweetwater) and my best/worst friend during Senior Week. Woof.

Post-Grad, Year One

Stella Artois/Blue Moon

I decided to get rid of the Long Islands (after Senior Week) and chose classier (again, is it tho?) beers like Stella Artois and Blue Moon. I needed them to be ice cold and on draft, and only a few were needed to do the trick.

Post-Grad, Year Two

Wine

I was invited to the Wine Expo by my two Wino friends who volunteered at the event and had free tickets. We basically went around and sampled dozens of wines from around the world and snacked on free samps, and it was magical.

Post-Grad, Year Who Da Fuq Knows

Margaritas

I don’t know if it’s because I moved to California, but just like avocados, I discovered a new love for margaritas that I never really had before. Regular on the rocks is my jam, but I won’t say no to a good strawberry or mango or whatever flavor my fave Mexican restaurant is peddling that day.

Am I Still Considered a Youth

More Wine

As you might be able to tell, we’ve ventured into current times. Over the past year or so, I’ve opted to get a nice glass of wine at a bar or restaurant in lieu of a fancy drink, but, again, that also could be triggered by the fact cocktails can be expensive, yo.

I’m Going Home Before Midnight

Water

God, I just love water so much. A nice ice cold glass with some fresh lemon? I could get buzzed just thinking about it.

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Silver White Winters & Crisp Apple Streudels: The Sound of Music Tour

Posted in Entertainment, GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by

This month marks the 50th anniversary of the release of one of the world’s most beloved movies, Sound of Music. In honor of the milestone, the movie is being re-released in theaters, a special DVD edition is being sold, the cast (yes, even all the kids!) got together for a Vanity Fair feature, and as you probably saw at the Oscars, Lady Gaga slayyyed a medley of songs just before Dame Julie Andrews came out and the tears poured out of my eyes faster than you can say Edelweiss.

Like many people, Sound of Music has a special place in my heart. I grew up watching the two tape VHS version of the movie, and for some reason our copy got messed up at the end of the tape so the party always ended abruptly. It’s clearly stuck with me all these years.

Years later, I was cast in a production of Sound of Music as Sister Maragretta – no you shouldn’t really know who she is unless you’re a hardcore fan or have been in the show – basically my claim to fame was “Maria – makes me – LAUGH!! heheheeeheeeheeeee” *fakest laugh ever. For anyone that’s been part of a production, you know how much of an impact every show makes on you (good or bad, I suppose), and luckily for me this one was pleasant experience that I’ll always remember.

Then, when I was studying abroad in college, my friends and I spent the weekend in Austria, first in Vienna and then over to Salzburg, where they filmed a lot of scenes from the film. I’m not sure if everyone was 100 percent into it, but I feel like I basically conned my travel buds into going on the Sound of Music tour with me. Turns out, it was actually a fantastic four hour tour of not only SoM filming locations, but the ‘countryside’ of Austria as well.

So in honor of SoM’s 50th anniversary (and the nine year anniversary of us going on this tour this week!), here’s a guide to some of the stops we made on the tour, whether you’re thinking of going or just want to live vicariously through these pictures!

Mirabell Gardens

To preface, we went to Austria (as previously mentioned) in March. It is still winter there at this time. Because of that, it was cold and there was snow, but it didn’t deter (most of our tour). So, below are the gardens featured in the Do-Re-Mi scene, where Maria takes the kids running through Salzburg learning Solfège.

In the background on the hill, you can see the Hohensalzburg Castle, probably the biggest landmark in the city that served as a fortress dating back to 1077. During World War I, it was as a prison to hold Italian POWs and and Nazi activists. You can also see it in the background in the beginning of the Do-Re-Mi scene.

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A view of the Salzach River. I don’t think anything was filmed here, but it was pretty.

Leopoldskron Palace

The grounds of this palace was used as Captain Von Trapp’s backyard, more specifically the lake, that you can obviously see so clearly here (it’s the giant patch of snow frozen over). This lake is the one Maria and the kids fell into when they were out rowing the boat in their curtain gear.

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Hellbrunn Palace, Gazebo

The famous gazebo, or pavilion, was originally located at Leopoldskron Palace. As the movie became popular, tourists went to visit it, so they moved the gazebo to Hellbrunn. Also, neither the 16 Going on 17 scene or Something Good scene were filmed inside the actual gazebo, those were filmed on a Hollywood soundstage *MOVIE MAGIC*. However, the exteriors of the gazebo were shot in Austria.

Miscellaneous Austrian village shot, because this is pretty and could also have been in the movie.

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My eyes are closed because I’m trying to get into character.

A bunch of tourists, I tells ya. *these are my friends. the people in the background are not.

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REMINDER that Something Good is one of the best songs from the movie.

I want to say these were the trees the kids were hiding in, but who knows, I went on this tour nine years ago. Just pretend it is.

Salzburg Lake District Area

Again, I’d like to reiterate that it was winter and the quaint lake that was used for panorama shots in the film, and also where they had their picnic, was completely covered in snow. This is us in said snow.

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There’s a lake in there.

 Mondsee – Wedding Chapel

SPOILER ALERT: The Captain and Maria get married!!! And this is the church it all went down. It’s in the cute little super Austrian village.

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I’m sure God is totally down with all these tourists taking pix, right?

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Dancing around like the Von Trapp children. Also, perhaps more importantly, there was a restaurant behind us that had the BEST apple strudel. nomm

And that concludes our tour! Here’s a rando pic of Salzburg, because I don’t remember what it is, but it’s sah cuhyte.

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Also, I wanted to include this picture because this is how we managed to keep our grades up while also travelling Europe. Unless you’re my friend Caitlin who apparently was doing sudoku. It was a really cool thing back then.

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Go Suck An Icicle: Pro-Snow Culture Hurts Children, Adults, Everyone

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Lists, Miscellany by

I thought that my TV said that it was 10 degrees Fahrenheit outside this morning. It didn’t. It said negative ten. I looked out at my snow-covered car and driveway and wanted to cry. I’m pretty sure I have shoveled every day for a month, and most of those days have been in the single digits or below. Yesterday my car ran like a cross between tumblr and a Little Golden Book: “I think I can’t. I think I can’t. I can’t.” The only vehicle that could safely drive outside right now is a Zamboni. My toes are blue. You know what I wore this morning? My clothes. Like, all of my clothes. If you have a grandmother, please check on her, because I appear to be covered in an old lady’s skin.

And lest you think I’m just bad at winter, know how Boston has had 100 inches of snow so far? That’s my city’s average every winter. I’m used to this, but that doesn’t mean I like it. Now is probably the time for a post about appreciating the simple joys of winter, or a chipper reminder that spring is just around the corner. I’m not in the mood for that. I’m so tired of our pro-snow culture. Snow propaganda targets our most vulnerable population – children – and tells them that snow and cold is somehow okay.  It needs to stop.

Snow Forts

When I was a child, every time we’d get a foot or two of snow I’d rush out with a shovel, gloves, and buckets and start building a snow fort. We had mammoth snow castles, with walls taller than I was and hollowed-out snow living rooms with built-in benches. When we were done we’d douse the whole thing in water so that it would become solid.

And do you know what all of that was? It was practice for being an adult who has to shovel in order to get out of your house to go to work. Bet nobody told you THAT when you were seven. Snow forts, I cordially invite you to go suck an icicle.

A Snowy Day

This beautifully illustrated children’s classic is beloved by kids, teachers and parents alike. It’s about a little boy who’s too stupid to know that snow is awful. And it’s responsible for propagating the myth that snow is somehow fun or exciting. My only consolation is that little Peter is now an adult who has to shovel out a section of yard so that his dog doesn’t poop in the house. Yeah. Those are the things children’s books don’t tell you about winter. Ezra Jack Keats is one of my favorite children’s authors, but from the icy shores of Winter 2015, I say that A Snowy Day can go eat snowballs.

The Chronicles Of Narnia

I, too, have a portal that brings me into a snow-covered landscape of crystalline cold. It’s called a door. As in, any freaking door in the entire Northeastern United States.

If I were the Pevensie children, I would have boarded up that wardrobe and maybe set it on fire to make it go away. And also for warmth. Because it’s freezing.

C.S. Lewis wrote an entire allegorical series about a mythical land that just looks like outside. Why are we celebrating this again? Narnia, go bleed a radiator.

Most Of The Jan Brett Cannon

Oh, lets all wear Fair Isle sweaters and frolic in the snow! That’s the harmful message of most of Jan Brett’s Scandinavian-inspired story books. Let’s flounce around with woodland creatures in the snowy forest! I can’t believe I fell for that hogwash as a kid. From the story about the idiot grandma who makes her grandson snow-white mittens, to the tale of the stretchy hat that a bunch of animals hide in to avoid a frigid death, these books try to make outerwear into something greater than it is. Cute illustrations, fun to read to children, but Jan Brett books can go snort road-slush.

Frozen

No. I do NOT want to build a snow man. And I’ll never know if an act of true love can thaw this mess, because right now I hate everything. Frozen can go lick snow tires.

The North Pole

What a harmful myth. Not the whole Santa thing, but that a mega-productive society can exist in the most frigid and snow-laden part of the world. In real life the elves would show up 20 minutes late to work every day, everybody would be out sick half the time, and the leading cause of death would be shoveling heart attacks. You want to make a toy for every child in the world, station yourself in Italy or Mexico. For every employer who doesn’t understand that it took you an extra half hour to drive to work and that you can’t stay late when your city is in white-out, we can blame the North Pole. Santa and his elf-slaves can go blow a snowblower. I’m done.

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POV on FOB: Why We Need Fresh Off The Boat

Posted in Entertainment, GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by

If your life was made into a movie, who would play you?

I’ve been asked this a few times throughout the years, and I always end up resorting to the same two actresses: Margaret Cho and Lucy Liu. Chances are, if you’re not Asian, you don’t have this problem. You probably have never even thought about how that question would be a much deeper question than it is on the surface.

When it came down to it, I always picked Margaret Cho. I just looked more like her than the skinny, tall, perfectly straight, long-haired Lucy Liu. Part of this answer may also have to do with the fact that in 1994, I saw Margaret Cho and her Korean-American family on TV in a show called All-American Girl. I guess I didn’t realize it until then, but it’s the first time I saw anyone that remotely looked like me depicted on TV. I was a nine year old who already watched too much television (go figure), and so I was used to seeing families like the Tanners and the Winslows, but never anyone like the Kims on All-American Girl.

The show may have been groundbreaking, but it was also criticized for its blatant use of stereotypes and basically became a caricature of itself. It ended after just one season, and there hasn’t been a show featuring Asian-American families ever since. Until last night.

20 years later, a new sitcom called Fresh Off the Boat premiered. Twenty years. That’s two decades. That’s a college student that is months away from being able to legally drink. Even I was surprised when I read that fact. Has it really been that long? Have we really not progressed in the past 20 years that there hasn’t been a show about Asians on American TV? While I think we’ve definitely made steps towards diversity in the media in terms of African-Americans, Latinos, and LGBT characters, it’s a little weird we haven’t seen bigger strides for Asians in terms of leading their own film or TV vehicles.

But perhaps it’s just a situation of good timing.  Fresh Off the Boat is based off a memoir by Eddie Huang, in which he discusses his Taiwanese immigrant parents, their move from Washington, D.C. to Orlando, Florida, and his assimilation as an Asian kid who loved hip-hop. IRL Eddie is an outspoken guy who isn’t afraid to speak his mind or be politically incorrect. He wrote a piece for Vulture in which he talks about how ABC executives wanted to “turn his memoir into a cornstarch sitcom and me into a mascot for America”, to which he replied, “I hated that”.

With someone like Eddie at the helm, the problem ABC encountered 20 years ago with All-American Girl becoming too ‘white’ probably won’t happen. He’ll be there to make sure the show doesn’t cross the line into a parodic program. Moreover, lest we forget that racism is an even more prevalent topic in America today. I think part of the problem with racism in this country is that people are afraid to confront it. It’s such a taboo subject that people avoid it. They brush it under the rug pretending it doesn’t happen – but as last year’s events clearly show, it does. With a show like Fresh Off the Boat, it deals with the obvious cultural differences and racism head on. In the pilot, a kid calls TV Eddie a ‘Chink’ and they get into a fight over it. The show takes place in 1995, but I assure you it’s still happening 20 years later.

But this is what we need. Fresh Off the Boat is funny, well-written, smart, and deals with race issues in an accessible way that doesn’t sugar-coat it or blatantly insult Asians. Do you remember that episode of Full House when Stephanie gets glasses, and Joey advises her to make fun of herself with the new specs before her classmates can make fun of her? It’s kind of similar to that. Once we open the gateway of being able to talk about things like assimilating into American culture or what it’s like being the only Asian kid among a sea of white people, it’s easier to have that conversation about race without it being uncomfortable.

And as for the name, I have no problem with it. ABC execs briefly titled the show “Far East Orlando”, and for some reason, I find that more offensive that Fresh Off the Boat. IRL Eddie defended the title to Entertainment Tonight recently, comparing it to the N word – it’s a way to claim the term back to its people, and not have it used in a derogatory way.

And while I may strongly relate to this show because I, like Eddie (who I’ve deemed my spirit animal), am a first generation Asian-American, this show isn’t just about this group of an underrepresented culture (I know, I just wrote all those paragraphs about Asians), at its heart, it’s about exclusion. It’s about inclusion. It’s about family. It’s everyone’s story.  A story that has yet to be told from this specific view of a race that makes up nearly 11% of the American population. It’s a show that’s funny – like actually, laugh out loud funny. So funny that there are multiple GIF sets I will be reblogging on Tumblr later. It’s a show that deserves to be on the air because of all of these qualities. And who knows – maybe this will lead to even more Asian-centric shows in the future. And perhaps my possible future children won’t have a shortlist of just two Asian-American actresses to play out their life story.

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30 Before 30

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Miscellany by

Last year, I was talking to my friend about life goals and what not, and she mentioned that she was planning to do something called 30 Before 30, which is basically a bucket list of goals to accomplish before turning 30 in the next year. I’ve always been one for bucket lists. Before I left Boston, I made a list of all the places I wanted to go that I hadn’t been able to go to in the years that I lived there. I’ve even exchanged New Year’s resolutions in favor of a life bucket list. So I decided to make a 30 Before 30 bucket list of my own.

Since I turn 29 on the 27th (tomorrow), I’ve decided to use that date as a starting point for my 30 Before 30, having exactly one year to accomplish as much as I can until I turn the “Big 3-0”. For the 30 things on my list, I tried not to just pick things that I’ve wanted or been meaning to do, but things that I feel like will help me as I enter the next age bracket of my life. While 30 isn’t as “old” as it used to be, I still feel like there’s a certain level of adulthood I should reach before entering my third decade of life. So here are just a few of the items on my list – I didn’t want to put all of them, even though I know this is a completely safe space, but also for brevity. We have jobs and lives to get back to. I’ll be documenting my 30 Before 30 now and then on the blog, so watch this space if you’re interested in seeing how my attempt as a real adult goes!

Do you guys have bucket lists like this?

Learn to make 3 new dishes

When I cook dinner, it’s not really anything special. The less ingredients the better. I blame this on account of my frugality and laziness, but I’m hoping to change that (the laziness, at least I can control). I figure if I master at least 3 good dishes, it can be my go to for parties and what not. Sushi is probs my favorite food, so another one of the things on my list is learn how to make sushi. And conveniently, I would also like to have a dinner party, so all this just fits right together.

Go somewhere I’ve never gone before

Photo Jan 17, 4 12 58 PM

If I won the lottery today, I would use it to pay off all my debts, do some other things with it, and then travel. Anywhere my heart desires – possibly even in first class! Living in LA, you kind of get stuck in the… LA-ness of it, and it’s good for your sanity to get out every once in a while. I usually spend my vacation time in the same places, mainly back home on the east coast. But there are so many other places to go that won’t break the bank. Although I said I would start this thing on my birthday, I’ve cheated on a few things already, this being one of them. A few of my friends and I recently went up to Napa Valley for a brief, yet completely successful and fulfilling weekend, and it was glorious. It was my first time in that area, and let me tell you – Napa is everything it’s cracked up to be, folks.

Travel somewhere by myself

Speaking of which, I feel all Eat Pray Love/Wild about this, in that going on a trip by yourself is necessary in life. I’m an only child and independent by nature, so the thought of this doesn’t sound scary or intimidating, as I imagine it would be to some people. This sounds delightful to me and I have yet to figure out where said trip will be.

Volunteer 20 hours

I used to volunteer a lot growing up. Forgetting the fact that in high school a lot of it was required, I actually enjoyed volunteering, and did it throughout college. For a while there I even wanted to work for a non-profit. I really want to get back into it, and I’ve had some attempts in the past couple of years, but I’m actually making a goal of 20 hours to fill, which is really not even that much.

Get a massage

I’m gonna be real with y’all – I don’t necessarily find it appealing when complete strangers touch me, especially if I’m half naked. Is that completely unreasonable? But I’m going to try to let that go in favor of comfort and relaxation.

Go see at least 5 movies in the theater

I am a TV person. I watch all the TV. And like I mentioned earlier, I am a frugal person. Unless it’s a movie I really want to see in the theater, I will wait until it comes to Netflix and I receive it as part of my subscription. However, working in entertainment news, it’s usually helpful to know what I’m writing about, and not just basic facts about them. I’m not gonna lie to you – I already have my first movie lined up. And it’s the Backstreet Boys documentary, which comes out on Friday.

Watch 5 “classic” movies

To go along with that, I’ve written about my Pop Culture Blind Spots before, and I’m going to make an effort to actually sit down and watch some of them. We’ll start with the black and white classics… Star Wars will have to wait.

Donate clothes I haven’t worn in a year

I have been meaning to do this for years, and now’s a better time than any to actually follow through. Part of this involves re-organizing my closet, which I’ve already done and am super excited about. But this whole – I’m saving this just in case I need it for a Halloween costume – thing, isn’t working.

Read 3 new books

Again, I am a TV person. I watch all the TV. Thus leaving me with little time to sit and read. Hell, I barely have time to catch up on my Entertainment Weekly issues. As for reading actual books, I find that I read the most when I’m traveling, since there’s nothing else to do. I used to read all the time when I rode the subway in Boston, but now, I have to like pay attention to the road when I’m driving and stuff. Also, I have a tendency to just re-read books – I don’t need to read Harry Potter again (I mean I could and should, but I shan’t). But I’ve set a realistic goal for myself and hopefully I can finish three new books by 2016.

Go to 10 new restaurants

Like my go-to books, I have go to restaurants, and it’s time to change that. I’ve been compiling a list of eateries in LA that I’ve been wanting to go to, and 10 seems like a reasonable number. I will just have to force my friends into going to all new venues.

Explore 5 new places in LA

LA’s a big city, and while I’ve lived here for just over five years now, there’s still plenty more to see. You get stuck living in the bubble of your home neighborhood and work neighborhood, and any little pockets that your frequent. I never make it down to the West side or like Venice (as seen above) or Santa Monica or anything over there, mainly because there’s no reason for me to. Sans Dunkin Donuts, of course. But it’s time I start taking advantage of what’s around me.

Clean out email

I’m at 19% of 15 GB used on my Gmail, which I’ve had since 2006. That number may seem low, but you should see my inbox (don’t). It’s time I start cleaning shit out.

Pay for someone’s coffee 5 times

Pay it forward. Be kind to one another. All that jazz.

Take a photo or video each day

This is not a new thing. I’m going to see if I can keep it up. Instead of posting it every day, I’ll hopefully keep it up and compile everything into a handy video/slideshow on my 30th.

** Important note: I will promise to donate $10 to charity for every item on my list not completed

 

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I Have A Fitbit. Life Is Different Now. I’M Different Now.

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by

The holidays can be super frustrating if you haven’t had any major changes in your life status. It happens to everyone. Whether you’re single, or you’re dating and haven’t gotten engaged – or you’re engaged and haven’t gotten married, or married or haven’t had a baby, or had a baby but haven’t had another baby … whatever it is, you probably had those well-meaning friends and relatives look at you with a frozen smile and pointedly ask “what’s new with you?” You know what they’re asking, but for me, the most honest and accurate response would be something along the lines of Kelly Kapoor’s answer:

This year, the biggest change in my life status has been a Fitbit. It’s like having a baby. Hear me out. It alters the way you go about your daily business, and you have so much to say about it, but unless you’re talking to someone else who has one, you assume they either can’t really understand or don’t really care. When someone would say “so, what’s new with you?” with that doofy grin, what I really wanted to say was “I have a Fitbit now! And…” And here are all the things that would come after that “and,” if I were being completely honest:

Sleep isn’t just sleep. If you asked me before Fitbit, I’d have told you that I probably got a solid 8 hours of sleep a night. Now I can tell you that I’m restless 16 times a night, like this:

But do you ever forget to tell your Fitbit that you’ve woken up? That’s the worst, because it still tracks your steps, but you’re also forced to confront those broad swaths of cobalt blue that mean you’re so motionless that your Fitbit thinks you’re asleep:

I woke up at the first pink line. Yikes.

Sometimes the FitBit thinks you’ve tapped it to track sleep, but you’ve actually pushed a shopping cart over bumpy grocery store tile, or played Rondo A Capriccio on the piano – both happened to me just this week. If you don’t notice it right away, you’ll be amazed by how often the Fitbit thinks you’re sleeping when you’re just being lazy.

And those nights when I charge it while I sleep? It’s like a slumber party in fourth grade – all I want to do is stay up late because I can.

It’s always a minor crisis when that sucker’s battery runs out. I now understand, by way of analogy, what depression must be like. I don’t say that to make light of people who have it. I just mean that when it’s charging I find myself thinking “why should I even move? Why get up? If I go for a walk or if I stay in this chair, it’s all the same – what’s the point?”

You know it’s bad when you consider buying a backup Fitbit so you’re never without a battery.

One part of the Fitbit lifestyle I can’t get behind is the calorie tracking. I’m pretty short and lightweight, and the estimated calories per day for me are almost laughably low. Even when I lift weights and walk 20,000 steps, the calories burned never get anywhere near the 2,000 neighborhood. If you’re active, short and thin, please understand that it might make you crazy.

I sort of wish there was a setting where you could tell the FitBit that you’re sick, and it would reward you for doing nothing. Or when it’s really cold out, it automatically would adjust how much it expected you to do. During the fall I was logging 15 – 20,000 steps a day without even thinking about it, but that gets a lot harder to do when your hands turn blue and red within minutes of going outside. I just had a few days of 30 degree (F) weather (what a treat!) and I was like a kid on the first sunny day in spring, so when I say I quit when it’s cold, I mean really cold.

Sing it Debbie.

I find myself making unnecessary trips during the day, like walking from my seventh floor office to the second floor bathrooms, or buying my coffee from the farther-away coffee shop. Neither of us here would consider ourselves athletic people. We’re just not very team sports-y. But I look at my daily steps and realize that I’m at least an active person. I’m pretty much always moving. Our most recent blog meeting found Traci pacing around a kitchen table to meet her step goal. This didn’t seem weird to me, and besides, we’ve both been reading about how sitting will kill you and it has us a little nervous.

You start to discover how many things you can do while pacing. For instance, this post you’re reading? I wrote the first draft on my phone while bouncing on the balls of my feet. If someone had passed by my window, I like to think that I could have pointed to the rubbery band on my wrist (something I NEVER would have worn before Fitbit) and they would have nodded knowingly. If you have one, you just get it. If you don’t have one, don’t worry, when you ask what’s new with me I probably won’t tell you all of this.

 

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Dear Future Fiance (A Note on Proposing)

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by

Dear Future Fiance,

Thanks to the magic that is Facebook, I’ve been #blessed with waking up in the morning and seeing which of my friends or friends’ friends is set to take the plunge with their significant other. This number is higher during certain times of the year, most notably the holidays. Now I’m not being a Bitter Betty about this or intending to put anyone down if they DID get engaged over the holidays, I just am expressing what I want in a potential proposal. As the wise and beautiful land mermaid Amy Poehler wrote in her book Yes Please:

So in an effort to not be part of the cliche statistic, I’m writing this to set a few ground rules. If you already have a problem with me saying this, then maybe we shouldn’t even get married in the first place.

– Do not propose to me on Christmas Eve.

Christmas is my favorite holiday. I like the spirit of it, I like the traditions that come with it. I am accustomed to doing the same thing every year and I like it that way. Some kind of big dinner, candlelight service at church, pictures with the fam before we change out of our nice clothes. It is also my mother’s birthday, so, not a good day to steal her thunder.

– Do not propose to me on Christmas.

Christmas already comes with presents. I do not need an additional diamond/jewel of your (my) choice to be added under the tree. Whatever is on my list is a perfectly acceptable gift. I’d much rather get the complete Dawson’s Creek series on DVD rather than a non-creative proposal. Also it is Jesus’ birthday, so, not a good day to steal his thunder.

– Do not propose to me on New Year’s Eve.

I already dislike New Year’s Eve as it is. It’s always one of those nights where everyone asks you what you’re doing, and makes it out to be some big elaborate thing with a lot of high expectations. Speaking of expectations, I personally expect a proposal is supposed to be a surprise (more or less), something to catch you off-guard. Getting down on one knee on a night where thousands of other men are doing the same thing isn’t a surprise. Also it’s the New Year’s birthday, so, not a good day to steal its thunder.

– Do not propose to me on Valentine’s Day.

If your significant other needs a pre-determined day to do all the romantic things he can possibly think of on only one day out of the year, something’s wrong. I don’t want to go out to dinner and find a ring in a chocolate box (I’ll probably eat it) or at the bottom of my champagne glass (I’ll probably drink it). Again, proposing on Valentine’s Day is cliche and unimaginative, so don’t do it then. Also it’s Cupid’s birthday (not really), so, not a good day to steal his thunder.

– Do not propose to me on my birthday.

It is my birthday, so, not a good day to steal my thunder.

Sincerely,

The Woman Of Your Dreams

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Children Were Gods And Bitches Got Dysentery: Oregon Trail, For Those Too Young To Remember

Posted in Entertainment, GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by

When was the last time you went to a magic lantern show? Or a melodrama? And liked it? Some forms of entertainment don’t hold up over time. Imagine a curly-mustached Victorian fop trying to convince you that no, seriously pantomimes are riveting. That’s how it feels explaining Oregon Trail to people who were too young to live it firsthand. But now that Oregon Trail is available to play online, there are going to be a lot of folks in the 23-and-under* crowd trying to understand the fuss – so I’ll make an effort.

The Life And Times Of ’80s and ’90s Kids

I call this costume ‘Annie Hall Of Green Gables.’

I’ve mentioned this before, but there was this weird trend in the early-mid 90s that nobody ever talks about. It’s not leggings or crop tops, which if anything are over-represented in 90s nostalgia. No, it was this thing where it was sort of normal for a child to be into the 1800s. A new version of Little Women came out, those American Girl books were everywhere, and moms watched Dr. Quinn. The Indian In The Cupboard was surprisingly popular. Craft books taught you how to make yarn dolls like Laura Ingalls. We were standing on the cusp of the digital age, playing with doll-sized butter churns.

In addition to old-timey pursuits like microwaving popcorn right on the cob just like they did in Colonial Williamsburg, us early millennials were the first generation to use computers as soon as we started school. Well, they were less like computers and more like giant graphing calculators. The screens were all-black with green or orange lettering and simple line graphics. A big part of every computer class was booting up your computer – not because it was exciting, but because it took ten minutes. Those of us who were lucky had Nintendo at home, and later, maybe a Sega system. Still, computer games were new and exciting and required “floppy disks.” There weren’t many choices, but kids and lazy substitute teachers alike loved Oregon Trail. Adults appreciated that it was educational – in that it provided a one-sided view of Manifest Destiny, I suppose. And kids loved it, because it represented a world …

Where Children Were Gods

I once read that youngest children are drawn to animals because they enjoy having someone that they could be the boss of. As a youngest child, I’d argue that we just liked being around living things that couldn’t pick on us, but I digress. Sometimes a kid does like being in charge of things. Every game of Oregon Trail was a tiny, horrifying example of what would happen if kids ruled the world – like a virtual Lord Of The Flies.

You would think that the goal of any game would be to win it. That discounts just how cruel and terrible children can be. Sometimes, you’d play just to see how disastrous you could make the lives of the characters. Here’s how:

  •  You were allowed to name the wagon party. That meant that the most common names in Oregon Trail character history were probably Poop, Butt, Jesus and (Sibling’s Name) Sucks.
  • You’d become a dreadful taskmaster, especially if the game handed you a low-income profession. The harshest sentence? Grueling pace and meager rations. That’s also the title of my future memoirs. And with that burden, it’s no wonder that…
  • Bitches got dysentery. And bitches who get dysentery get buried under a solitary rock along the roadside before we continue on our journey. Sorry, Butt.
  • “I tried to ford the river and my f***ing oxen died.” That was one of the biggest Facebook groups of the 2004-2006 era, and a universal experience during Oregon Trail’s heyday. When you got to the river you could hire a local to ferry it across, caulk the wagon, or sort of just hurl yourself headlong into the river. That’s how I remember it anyway. And I always found myself thinking, shouldn’t we have figured this out before we got to the damn river?
  • We killed the American Buffalo. When you’d go hunting, those slow-ass buffalo mosied across the screen, leaving you ample time to shoot them. You’d kill every buffalo that ambled by. Then, you’d be informed that you could only bring 100 pounds of meat into your wagon and had to leave all that buffalo carrion to fester in the prairie sun. We knew that would happen. We just wanted to hear the hollow thud when they died. Children are sick. Someone, please make a horror movie in which all of the events of the Westward Expansion – including the near-extinction of the buffalo – were under the control of 7-year-old Kimberly in Miss Smith’s computer class in 1992.

Ain’t No Party Like An Oregon Trail Party Cuz An Oregon Trail Party Proffers a Tombstone Generator When You Die From Pooping Too Much

On one hand, children were pioneer overlords in Oregon Trail – but on the other, the cruel hand of fate was always at play. It was like the game of Life, but instead of teaching children that you may fritter your life away in middle-management at a bank, it taught you that sometimes you do your best and thieves still steal all of your oxen in your sleep. Even if you played the game the “right way,” giving your settlers proper Oregon Trail names like Rebecca and Amos and setting a pace that would get you to Oregon before winter without killing you from exhaustion (before it was the trendiest cause of celebrity hospitalization), there were no guarantees that you’d arrive in the promised land. The dream of the 1850’s was alive in Portland – but would you be alive to see it? Here are some ways you could die:

  • Measles
  • Snakebite
  • Broken limbs
  • Drowning
  • Cholera
  • Exhaustion
  • Typhoid
  • Failing to save your progress at the end of a class period.

Godspeed, 90s kids. You have a 40-minute computer class ahead of you, and your teacher has laryngitis. During that time you may reach the promised land, and you may die from drinking river water. And even if you live, PoopfaceJesus may not. Oh, cruel world.

*This probably varies depending on how outdated your school’s computer game library was.While later versions of Oregon Trail came out on CD-ROM, I think that after the early-mid 90s, there were more games to chose from and Oregon Trail was no longer the only, um, ox on the prairie? So to speak.