How to Cope with TV Haituses: 2014 Edition

Do you guys remember when the last episode for the year of a TV series didn’t have a term? Like, when did networks decide that the phrase “Winter Finale” was a thing? Definitely in the past couple of years, right? So dramatic.

But as the Winter Finale of your fave shows roll out over this month, you’ll obviously need something to bide your time and avoid your fam during the stressful parts of the holiday season. Like last year, I’ve created a hopefully helpful guide to lead you in the right direction when it comes to preoccupying yourself over the next few weeks! Happy watching!

If you like:

How I Met Your Mother

You might like:

A to Z

Just like we fell in love with Cristin Milioti on How I Met Your Mother and she was promptly taken away, as is the fate of Cristin on the sitcom A to Z. The Lord giveth and NBC taketh away. Cristin Milioti deserves better than this. She’s a great actress who is perfect in the romcom role. In fact, everyone on this show is great. Ben Feldman – oh how I swoon for Ben Feldman (The Mindy Project Ben, not Mad Men Ben,obvs) – is perfect as the A (Andrew) to Cristin’s Z (Zelda). Like HIMYM, the show takes a different kind of approach in telling their love story, since we’re told from the pilot that they stay together for 8 months, 3 weeks and 29 days – those aren’t the exact numbers, but you get the picture. They’re so cute together that you wonder how and why it ends. I guess we’ll never be able to find out since NBC hasn’t ordered more than the 13 episode order. Nonetheless, you should catch up with A, Z, and their best friends, who provide that balance needed for an ensemble comedy.

If you like:

Friday Night Lights

You might like:

Kingdom

I’m not really a sports person, so I was initially turned off to Friday Night Lights because it looked like a football show. And that’s what its ‘downfall’ was. NBC didn’t really know how to market the show because there really hadn’t been anything like it before. Ultimately, it’s a drama about the tight-knit community in small town Texas, and football just happens to play another character in the show. That’s what Kingdom is. TBH, I only started watching it because of Matt Lauria and Nick Jonas are in it, but this gritty new series set in the MMA world is about the relationships between family, friends, and lovers. While there’s a fair share of fighting and blood and sweat, you’ll come to find yourself hooked on wanting to see what’s next for each of the characters. In addition, Kingdom has three actors from the Jason Katims world – Jonathan Tucker (Parenthood), Matt Lauria (Parenthood/FNL) and Kiele Sanchez (Matt Saracen’s wife IRL).

If you like:

Happy Endings

You might like:

Marry Me

HAPPY ENDINGS RIP. If there’s one show in the past few years that really didn’t deserve to get cancelled, that show is Happy Endings. The chemistry of the cast was incomparable, the hilarious dialogue was like nothing I had ever heard before, and the situations they found themselves in were not too far off from my own life and the lives of people I know. So if you’re still in Happy Endings withdrawal, try Marry Me, an NBC comedy that actually scored a whole first season, starring Casey Wilson (Penny Hartz) and Ken Marino who play a newly engaged couple. It’s created/executive produced/written by David Caspe, the creator/executive producer/writer of Happy Endings and also Casey’s new husband. While it doesn’t have the same ensemble ‘Friends’y feel as HE, it does take on a similar (hilarious) tone. Plus it’s also set in Chicago, so there might be some crossover characters…

If you like:

The Mindy Project

You might like:

Selfie

Like you and the rest of America, I was turned off by the title of John Cho and Karen Gillan’s new sitcom, Selfie. It initially came off as this social media/internet/daft show that should’ve been titled #SELFIE, but turns out, it’s not. While social media does play a role in the show, as the season progresses, you’ll find that those two up there are at the heart of it. It’s actually a take on My Fair Lady/Pygmalion, in which John Cho plays “Henry”, who tries to class up Karen’s “Eliza”. Their dynamic reminds me a little of Danny and Mindy, where Danny’s kind of curmudgeonly and a no nonsense kind of guy, whereas Mindy is still smart yet flitty, into pop culture and clothes and the latest Cosmo. Mindy and Danny’s relationship works in an opposites attract kind of way, and so does Henry and Eliza’s. We’re at the point where there’s an inkling of a romance going on between them, but with ABC deciding to cancel it (BOOOOO) and Hulu picking it up (YAYY) who knows what we’ll get to seen and when we get to see it. All I’m saying is ignore the title and just watch the damn show.

If you like:
Dawson’s Creek

You might like:

The Affair

Sometimes I decide to watch a show based purely who’s on it, but then am delightfully surprised when the show turns out to be really good. Enter Joshua Jackson. Loyal readers may recall my journey through watching Dawson’s Creek for the first time earlier this year, and I was Team Pacey all the way (if you’re Team Dawson WHO EVEN ARE YOU). Like a fine wine or Leonardo DiCaprio, Joshua Jackson only gets better with age. In The Affair, he is hot as ever, and as Vulture pointed out earlier this week, he’s basically Pacey as a cowboy. But the storytelling is one of a kind in The Affair, and it’s what lured me in from the pilot. As stated in the title, there is an Affair – with a capital A – going on between Noah (The Wire’s Dominic West) and Alison (Luther’s Ruth Wilson). Noah’s married to WASPy Maura Tierney, while Alison is married to Pacey Witter. Set in the summer in Montauk, Long Island, Noah and Alison meet and start to have this affair. We also find out there’s a murder early in the season, and both Noah and Alison are being interrogated months after their summer affair. But the twist: the show is split into two parts, one from Noah’s point of view and one from Alison’s. Needless to say they have different versions of the truth. But also, Pacey on a horse.

If you like:

How to Get Away With Murder

You might like:

Serial Podcast

I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS ON SERIAL, AND I’M GOING TO SAVE IT FOR THE DAY SEASON ONE ENDS. But for now, if you don’t listen to Serial, get on it. I lit’rally gave in to peer pressure and started listening to it over Thanksgiving because everyone kept talking about it and I had total FOMO. I’ll tell you that I’m not usually a fan of crime related entertainment – I’ve never been into the Law & Orders or CSIs or Criminal Minds of the world. But this is a horse of a different color. Serial is one podcaster/reporter’s journey into delving deep deep deep into a real murder case of a teen and her attempts to solve it. Is it really the guy sentenced to life behind bars or is it someone else? WE DON’T KNOW. This isn’t really a spoiler, but there’s a part, I think in episode 5 of Serial, where Sarah, the ‘host’ of the podcast, consults a lawyer who deals with a lot of Innocence cases – where they believe person in jail didn’t commit the crime and she tries to prove they didn’t do it. This lawyer is super interested in the murder case featured in Serial, and even has a team of her law students help her investigate. Sound familiar? Because that’s basically the plot of How to Get Away with Murder. Viola Davis is a high-power attorney who can quite literally get anyone off the hook for any crime, and she has a crack team of students helping her. While HTGAWM is much more dramatic than Serial, both have the same amount of suspense and theorizing that will make you go insane. In a good way.

Advertisements

Alternative Saturday Morning Programming of the 90s

Last week, we talked about how Saturday morning cartoons have effectively come to an end. CW was the final network hold out, but on Saturday, September 27th, they aired the last remaining cartoon block, ending a continuous animated run that lasted over 50 years. 50 years!! You can blame live-action shows, reality programs and the fact that people’s TV habits have changed, but in its place, networks have opted to show educational series aimed at teenagers.

If you ask me, I think it’s a good idea. Not only is it a good move to try to lure teens in with informative shows as opposed to whatever they’re showing on MTV these days, but because I, for one, was never really into cartoons. Sure, I watched Rugrats. I enjoyed Doug and Recess, but I never sought out cartoons. Then again, I was the girl who was watching The Real World: London when I was 9, so I mean, that explains a lot about me in the present.

That’s not to say I never watched TV on Saturday mornings – it’s just that I opted for other shows instead. If you switched channels between TMNT and The Smurfs and TNBC, you might recognize some of the following programs I was watching while the rest of y’all were staring at the animated folk.

Saved by the Bell: The New Class

We’ve touched based on SBTB:TNC before – in fact we’ve even done the digging for you and told you where your other fave Bayside students are now – but let’s talk about the show for a sec, shall we? The show was one of two spin-off from the OG SBTB, which ended in 1993. The New Class premiered that September, at the same time as the premiere of The College Years. However, instead of being a spin-off, it was more of producers attempting to create the same magic that they had with the first cast. Each OG SBTB character had a TNC doppelgänger.  And that’s where they went wrong. Spin-offs aren’t supposed to be a re-creation of a hit show – it’s supposed to use an element from the hit show to make a new hit show. See: Frasier (Cheers), The Jeffersons (All in the Family), Angel (Buffy). Needless to say, I stayed loyal to Zack + Co. over in college. So imagine my disappointment when one year for Christmas I got the SBTB: TNC board game instead of the original cast. Ugh, come on Santa.

California Dreams

California Dreams is like the SBTB spin-off that should’ve been. Like if SBTB’s Hot Sundae took and and toured with the California Dreams, that would’ve been perfect. California Dreams was an slight alternative to SBTB, but you know, in a different part of The Golden State. The show was originally intended to be a family sitcom, focusing on the Garrison family, and the two kids, Matt & Jenny who were in a band. However the show was rebooted in season 2, and focused on the teens in said band instead, and it was a much “better” show after that. It surprisingly lasted for five seasons, and in 2010, Jimmy Fallon managed to get the band back together for a reunion on Late Night. Oh Sly.

Hang Time

Please note that all these videos are for the theme songs to the shows, because for some reason, all these songs are still trapped in my brain after all these years. Also trapped in my brain: the fact that this show took place in Deering, Indiana. While I was never much of a sports fan, I appreciated that this show featured a girl on an all-boys basketball team and still had those elements of a teen sitcom. In addition, sometimes when I hear the name Anthony Anderson, to this day, I still associate him with this show.

City Guys

C-I-T-Y YOU CAN SEE WHY. I’m telling you – these songs were pretty damn catchy. SBTB:TNC, Hang Time and City Guys were all part of the TNBC Saturday Morning lineup that is forever etched in my brain. Now that TNBC had covered its bases in California and Middle of Nowhere, America, they came full circle and had a new show set in New York City. Teaching kids that we live in a diverse world, the show centered on a white kid from a wealthy family and a black kid from a working class family and how they can be friends, and sometimes enemies, in school.

One World

Speaking of diversity, this show was the epitome of it. One World was about a couple in Miami who take in six teens of varying ages from various backgrounds and ethnicities. Basically it was The Fosters before ABC Family claimed it. For some reason the one major plot line I remember from this show is that two of the foster kids started to have a romantic relationship and it was obvs a scandal?! Is it weird that I remember that and that alone? Probs. Also Johnny Tsunami’s in it.

Beakman’s World

That’s right, nerds. If you were the type to also spend a lot of your time with Bill Nye (the science guy), you were also familiar with Beakman’s World too. But this show was much more dramatic and outlandish than Bill Nye, as everyone on the show were actors who just played out these scientific experiments. In fact, Beakman himself was played by Paul Zaloom, an actor and puppeteer who has apparently taught his craft at the college I went to. Because yet, I went to a liberal arts college where puppetry was a class. Also he used to be married to a woman and has two kids but has split from her because he’s gay. *the more you know*

Moolah Beach

Remember when Survivor was like THE hottest show on TV? Producers ran with the idea and made a kid’s version called Moolah Beach. Except instead of being kicked off the island, everyone stuck around to win $25,000. It only lasted 6 episodes – but that’s because it was reworked into a show called Endurance, that aired on NBC then switched over to the Discovery Kids network. Did anyone else watch this? Or was it just me and my friend Ryan who secretly were way into it???

Doing Lines: Saved by the Bell

Listen. I think we’re all on the same page when I say while Saved by the Bell is one of the most beloved TV shows of kids who grew up in the 90s, it’s not the best in terms of, say, storytelling or acting. It’s a show for teens and tweens, and in cases like myself, children under the age of 10. But because it was geared towards a younger crowd, they could get away with more ridiculous storylines, something that they wouldn’t have been able to get away with on “adult” programming.

That being said, we’re back with another installment of our Doing Lines series (you can catch the other ones here), and this time we’re heading to the Pacific Palisades and seeing what kind of trouble the kids got into during their five-year stint in high school.

Season 1

Episode 3 {The Gift}

Fun fact: the image on the TV is an exterior shot of John F. Kennedy Junior High School from Good Morning, Miss Bliss!!

Screech gets struck by lighting and suddenly has a superpower where he knows what will happen before it happens. Also, he acquires an afro.

Episode 5 {Screech’s Woman}

Zack decides to help Screech get a girlfriend but no one is willing to go out with him, so Zack dresses up as a girl named Babmi and goes on a date with Screech, but he starts to like Bambi frreal.

 Episode 8 {Cream for a Day}

Screech accidentally invents a zit cream in chemistry class, which gets rid of pimples overnight. Kelly wins homecoming queen but uses the cream the night before – too bad the cream makes everyone’s face maroon.

Episode 11 {The Friendship Business}

Zack leads the gang in a project for business class, in which they have to create and market a product. They choose an item called Buddy Bands, but when their company becomes successful, the power gets to Zack’s head and Kelly, Jessie and Slater decide to make their own friendship-related item, Love Cuffs. Also, this timeless commercial.

Episode 12 {The Mamas and the Papas}

The gang participate in a project to simulate a domestic marriage, and everyone gets paired up. Jessie and Slater, Zack and Kelly (foreshadowing!!!) and Lisa and Screech. I think the most importnant thing to remember from this episode is that Lisa ALL OF A SUDDEN is allergic to Screech. Because she keeps sneezing and scratching everytime she’s close to him, Mr. Belding separates them and Screech becomes Zack and Kelly’s son, while Lisa goes over to the Slater/Spano family. Lisa’s allergy was never spoken of again.

Episode 14 {The Zack Tapes}

Zack learns about subliminal messaging and attempts to trick Kelly into going to the dance with him with a sneaky cassette tape. She finds out and decides to turn the tables on him. Ah the troubles of being a teen heartthrob. 

Season 2

Episode 7 {Rent-a-Pop}

Mr. Belding wants to set up a meeting with Zack and his dad because Zack’s been failing his classes. Zack doesn’t want his father to find out, so “rents” an actor to be his dad, because, Los Angeles.

Episode 8 {Miss Bayside}

After watching The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell story, we learned that the writers asked the cast what their talents or hobbies were, and incoporated their answers to the scripts. TAT used to be a beauty queen, which explains the Miss Bayside pageant, but can/do real schools actually do this?

Episode 9 {Jessie’s Song}

It’s the infamous ‘I’m so excited’ episode. And honestly, my problem isn’t with Jessie’s ridiculous addiction to caffeine pills, it’s that a trio of teens from the Pacific Palisades, and called Hot Sundae, easily got the attention of music executives. They were on the fast track to stardom until Jessie’s freakout!

Episode 10 {Model Students}

A photographer comes to Bayside and “discovers” Kelly after Zack and Screech secretly take pix of the girls in swimsuits and make a “Girls of Bayside calendar”. The photographer gives Kelly the opportunity to go to Paris to be a model. Zack isn’t okay with this. Is this photographer somehow in cahoots with the music execs who wanted to sign Hot Sundae? 

Episode 12 {Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind}

This is truly one of the more ridiculous storylines to ever come to Bayside. A tabloid is offering money for photos of real aliens so Zack and Slater dress Screech up as an alien and film him being creepy at the school to fool the tabloid. Except a special agent with the government is convinced Screech is a real alien.

Episode 13 {Running Zack}

Zack finds out he’s part Native American and to learn more about his roots, befriends a man named Chief Henry who has a great impact on Zack. Meanwhile, Jessie finds out her ancestors used to be slave owners and spends the rest of the episode ‘apologizing’ to Lisa. I’m convinced at least one scene in this episode is slightly racist.

Episode 14 {The Babysitters}

Kelly’s parents leave their baby son with Kelly who has to bring him to school (because, hello, she’s a teenager), but when she has to take school pictures, she’s forced to leave her baby brother behind with the gang. Honestly, why didn’t Mr. Belding or any of the teachers or any of the students not notice baby Billy and alert social services or something??

Episode 15 {The Fabulous Belding Boys}

Mr. Belding reluctantly lets his surfer dude brother Rod serve as a substitute teacher and immediately all the students flock to him because of his laid back nature. Rod suggests taking the kids on a white-water rafting trip, but just before they leave, Rod tells his bro that he can’t take the kids because he has a date with a girl – and Zack overhears the whole thing. Mr. Belding is left with covering for Rod but they end up having a lot more respect and appreciation for their principal at the end. Also, the title of this episode sounds super gay. Like literally gay.

Season 3

Episode 7 {Check Your Mate}

The annual chess competition between Bayside and Valley gets ugly when Valley plays dirty and steals his lucky beret. In retaliation, Zack and Slater decide to switch Valley’s best chess player, a Russian exchange student, with Zack in a wig. I guess I never realized it until now, but these kids really were into disguises. Must have kept the local wig store in business.

Episode 9 {Fake I.D.s}

Zack meets at girl at The Max named Danielle who is a student at USC, so naturally, Zack pretends to also be a college kid who’s majoring in photojournalism. He agrees to meet her at The Attic, a night club for kids 18 and over, which obviously requires fake I.D.s. While at the club, Zack, Slater and Screech spot Jeff, Kelly’s boss (aka the skeezebucket Kelly wanted to date so she promptly dumped Zack) kissing another girl. Zack tries to tell Kelly what he saw at the Attic but didn’t believe him, on account of jealousy. This episode is a reminder that the gang basically lived out things I would never have the balls to do as a teen. Fake IDs and sneaking into a club? I’d much rather stay in and watch The Baby-Sitters Club Movie on repeat.

Episode 11 {Pipe Dreams}

In one of those *the more you know* episodes, this one tackled the environment and saving it, etc. Oil is found in the school’s football field, and the kids go crazy thinking of what they’ll do with all the money. However, they soon find out that ~getting rich comes with a price~

Episode 16 {All in the Mall}

The gang fails at buying U2 concert tickets, and when they accidentally find a shoebox full of cash, shenanigans ensue. This never happened to me when I went to the mall. The only thing that went down was me trying to avoid eye contact with anyone I went to high school with.

Episode 17 {SATs}

Jessie gets a 1205 on the SATs while Zack miraculously scores a 1502, sending overachiever Jessie into a tailspin. For you kiddies that aren’t American or took the SATs after 2005, a perfect score on the SATs during this time was a 1600. So naturally, Jessie is as confused as all of us to learn of Zack’s score, especially because this is a kid who puts no effort into learning or anything relating to academia.

Episode 21 {No Hope With Dope}

Super megahot Hollywood actor Johnny Dakota chooses Bayside as the location for an anti-drug commercial but the catch is that Johnny himself uses drugs! A celebrity doing drugs?! Actually I think his drug of choice was pot UGH EVEN WORSE.

Episode 22 {Rockumentary}

This is personally one of my fave episodes, and it seemingly comes out of nowhere. Casey Kasem returns to give a Behind the Music-esque documentary about Zack Attack (the band all the gang is in, obvs), and their rise to fame from a garage band to superstar band. It was never explained how they all suddenly learned how to sing and play instruments.

Episode 24 {Home for Christmas}

Zack has a crush on a girl who works at the mall, and later finds out she and her dad are homeless. Again, this is one of those *very special* episodes that makes you think twice before you judge the girl working at a department store.

Season 4

Episode 4 {Student Teacher Week}

The students take over for the teachers – Zack becomes principal for the day. And hangs up posters of Paula Abdul and Guns n Roses next to each other.

Episode 3 {Screech’s Spaghetti Sauce}

Screech makes a spaghetti sauce he sells on TV, and Punky Brewster pretends to fall for him to get his recipe. They even come up with a fun catch phrase that I still have stuck in my head after all these years:  “The sauce you can have, but the secret, she’s a mine.”

Episode 18 {The Video Yearbook}

The gang decides to make a video yearbook instead of the traditional one, and Zack’s plan to use the girls’ videos as a dating service backfires when Kelly starts receiving a bunch of calls from rando guys.

Episode 20 {Snow White and the Seven Dorks}

The gang is all in a rap version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves but when Jessie and Zack find out they have to kiss in the final scene they get all weird about it and question their feelings for each other, and subsequently fall out with Slater and Kelly in the process. And they take the drama to the stage. Get it??

Episode 21 {Earthquake!}

An earthquake hits Bayside and Zack is stuck in the elevator with Mr. Belding’s pregnant wife who goes into labor. Reminder Zack is an 18 year old Senior in high school who just delivered his principal’s son.

Episode 24 {School Song}

The school holds a contest for who can write the best school song (BTW do schools actually do this? Our high school has been using the same ‘school song’ since the 1900s and includes the words ‘rev’rie’ and ‘retrospection’). Zack is determined to win the contest so he can be remembered for something positive before he graduates, as opposed to his scheming ways. But it’s those scheming ways that brings him down in the end. Friendly reminder that I tried to convince my 8th grade music teacher that we needed to sing this song at our graduation. I lit’rally taped the song on a cassette and brought it in to school.

Model Students: A Look Back at Saved by the Bell Fashion

One of the best parts of watching Saved by the Bell in present day is getting to comment on the absolutely unbelievable 90s fashion that was paraded around on the show. Because the sitcom centered on a group of teens, they had to wear what the teens were wearing back in the day. Just like the video yearbook the gang left for the Class of 2003, the show itself leaves us with a time capsule of what it was like to be hip and cool in the early 90s. And as thankful as we are for the treasure trove of bad/good fashion, that doesn’t stop us from making our own commentary on it. Here are just a few select styles the Bayside bunch wore throughout their time on our TV screens.

T: Apparently at this photo shoot, Mario was the only one who was running hot because he clearly needed to unbutton his shirt for all to see. You don’t see Dustin complaining in his abstract painting shirt or Zack whining in his surprisingly normal outfit. Someone get a Beyonce fan on Lopez.

M: Something about the cut of Zack’s t-shirt makes him look like his torso is on backwards. Something we never talk about when we talk about 90s clothes: those big-ass sneakers everyone wore. Look at Slater and Zack. Those are some “me and my retiree church group are taking a bus tour of Germany” sneakers.

T: I remember watching SBTB as early as 1st grade, so I was a little younger than the teenagers at Bayside High. Therefore, the first impression I had of high school was that of these kids. Yeah, the ones you see up there. Is this what teens really wore back then? All I’m saying is that if I had to pick one of these people to be the “trendsetter” of the group, it definitely would NOT be Lisa. She’s the one who is super into shopping and fashion and even goes to college for it, but judging by this alone, one would think she’s practicing to become one of the ticket takers at a Broadway theater.

M: OH LORDY. Lisa is seriously in Playbill Yellow. She reminds me of Claudia Kishi, who was supposed to be “into fashion” as well, but that meant she’d wear Lisa’s outfit here with homemade clay bee earrings and a bracelet that encased her hand in an entire, active beehive. There’s a lot going on here, but I also want to take a moment for Mario’s jeans, which make him look like he’s rocking a full diaper.

T: Remember when aerobics were really popular in the 80s/90s? I blame Jane Fonda. For that fad and this look. No one wears these bright, spandex, outfits to the gym anymore, right? IDK I hate the gym.

M: Not sure, because everything I wear at the gym could also be worn by a child at PE class or field day. But I wish I had these outfits. If anyone wants to buy me a spandex crop-top workout suit, I will wear it to work out and post photos. I think this was the 90s version of wearing fun sneakers to go running so you hate it a little less. But what is the function of those belts? YOU ARE WEARING SPANDEX. It should hold itself up just fine.

T: Technically this is some kind of press tour the cast did to promote the show, but can we all just take a minute to admire what exactly is going on here. MPG and TAT (Mark Paul Gosselaar & Tiffani Amber Theissen, obvs) are being the heartthrobs that they are and smiling and looking directly into the camera with their fresh to death outfits, Mario Lopez is still getting the hang of this celebrity thing and Dustin Diamond is looking off into the distance and has spent the past hour trying to find the gum he put in his pants pocket.

M: I know I was like 5, but how did I miss that this show was just Zack, Kelly, then a bunch of garbage people? Dustin looks like all of the boys in junior high whose moms would buy their uniform pants a size too big to “grow into them.” You really gotta hand it to 1992, when a beautiful teenage girl could appear in a bra top (a bustier, according to Selena RIP), and still somehow look frumpy.

T: Ok, so I lied. Lisa clearly is a trendsetter. She was the inspiration behind Seinfeld’s Puffy Shirt, right?

M: Look at the solid four inches of lace at the bottom of her white shorts! Damn. That is a LOOK.

T: Looking back on all these pix, it’s clearly Zack and Kelly that have the most timeless looks of them all, no? #IShipIt

M: I want Kelly Kapowski’s entire wardrobe and I’m not even sorry. Meanwhile, Spano looks like a travel agent who can never quite amass enough frequent flyer miles to escape from her existential ennui. Now that I know about Lark Voorhies’ religious beliefs, I find myself looking at every one of her outfits and going “maybe it’s because she’s a Jehovah’s Witness?” But it’s not like they have special underwear or anything.

T: For some context, this was the episode where Mr. Belding’s cool yet unreliable brother Rod shows up and promises to take the class on a trip white water rafting. This explains why Lisa’s wearing an all-camo shirt/skirt combo and holding a Louis Vuitton caboodle, and why Slater looks like he’s practicing to become one of the Village People.

M: Are they all going white water rafting in entirely different climates? Zack has on a fleece vest and a denim tuxedo, that one extra with the flat-top is in a sweatshirt that looks like a design you’d see on a pool raft, and Slater is dressed like a nice young mom catching fire flies with her children in a detergent commercial.

T: Slater’s jeans look super uncomfortable, but all I can think is that I want to find Lisa’s outfit and wear it for Halloween. Like what even is the inspiration behind this? TEXAS FOREVER 21, AMIRITE LADIES??

M: Early 90s trend that hasn’t come back yet: those dresses with the bodice that ended in a crotch triangle with the flouncy layered skirt attached. They were the thing when we were in kindergarten or so.

Screech looks like a sad quirky boy from a Wes Anderson movie.

T: I think everyone’s pissed off in this picture because they all realized they would go down in history as one of the most ridiculously dressed casts in TV. Also, a lot of denim on denim.

M: Photos of groups of people in the late 80s/early 90s almost give you a stress headache because there’s so much happening at once. Really weird to think this was at the same time as Seinfeld, where everyone looked sort of earth toned and beigey. We mentioned in our live blog of The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story that the kids looked way too modern. Turns out we were right: the costume designers didn’t even try. This is why teens today have such a warped idea of what the 90s really looked like.

I’m getting more and more confused as to why Lisa and Screech are supposed to be such a mismatched pair. Look at those getups. They are made for each other.

T: Okay, but like, Slater’s wearing those jeans again. Did they really not have a budget to buy different pants? Speaking of pants, Screech is definitely wearing those Zumbas (Zumbas?) like it’s his job. Ok well technically it is. I feel like he came out of the womb wearing those.

M: I hope he has a provision in his will that he has to be buried in those pants.

In conclusion:

Fall TV Rookies to Watch

It’s Day 4 of Back to TV Week, and today we’re giving you a handy guide as to who you’re going to be obsessed with for the new TV season. Okay, maybe we won’t make your expectations THAT high, but the following folks are either completely new to TV or have been secondary players for a while and are finally getting their shot at being big time TV stars. So feel free to judge these actors based on the blurbs below before you even see any of their shows, or just watch them when they come on your television sets next month. (Helpful tip: All the folks I chose are from shows I think are worth watching for at least one episode!) Mix and match, trade one for the other, whatever you feel is best for your personal TV viewing. Game on!

Alfie Enoch, How to Get Away with Murder

Stats

Previous Work: Sherlock, Broadchurch, oh and Harry Potter. All of the movies. BECAUSE HE WAS DEAN FREAKING THOMAS. DEAN THOMAS, Y’ALL!
Why You Should Watch Him: As a British actor, Alfie, sorry, Alfred, grew up doing all the Harry Potter movies and that’s what he became known for around the world. He stayed in his native England and worked on a few projects there, but this is the first time U.S. audiences are seeing him not only with an American accent but as an adult. Also, this show is from Shondaland and I will forever watch anything she creates. This is the show to watch this season.
When You Can Watch Him: Thursdays @ 10pm beginning on September 25th #TGIT
How to Get Away with Murder Trailer

Nick Jonas, Kingdom

Stats

Previous Work: Hawaii Five-0, Smash, Camp Rock, Jonas, Jonas L.A., the hot Jonas Brother
Why You Should Watch Him: I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Nick Jonas is the only Jonas brother worth caring about. Ever since his whole diabetes crusade, dude has gotten JACKED. Like, you’ve seen this Instagram selfie he posted, right? Which makes him perfect for this role as a young MMA fighter who has a ton of promise. Pair him with Matt Lauria from Friday Night Lights/Parenthood, and I’m sold.
When You Can Watch Him: Wednesdays @ 9pm beginning on October 8th on DirecTV’s Audience network
Kingdom Trailer

Joey McIntyre, The McCarthys

Stats

Previous Work: Boston Public, CSI: New York, Psych, New Year’s Eve, the baby of New Kids on the Block
Why You Should Watch Him: Boy banders turn to TV on their down time, apparently. Joey Mac isn’t really stretching his acting ability in this one – he plays a guy from Boston who is obsessed with sports. I know, not a stereotype at all. It’s a traditional mutli-cam sitcom, which means it’s perfect for CBS and moms in middle America. But I mean, for other people too.
When You Can Watch Him: Thursdays @ 9:30pm beginning on October 30th on CBS
The McCarthys Trailer

Tone Bell, Bad Judge

Stats

Previous Work: Key and Peele, Whitney, Chelsea Lately
Why You Should Watch Him: Tone plays a bailiff whose name is Tedward. Tedward Mulray. And if the name doesn’t convince you to tune in, you should know that even for a sitcom, he provides excellent comic relief. That’s not a slight to the fab Kate Walsh in the slightest, BTW. In the trailer alone, Tone stands out. If you watch The Mindy Project, he reminds me of the hilarious Tamra, who is ridiculous but will also set you straight.
When You Can Watch Him: Thursdays @ 9pm beginning on October 2nd on NBC
Bad Judge Trailer

Sarah Wright, Marry Me

Stats

Previous Work: Mixology, Men at Work, 7th Heaven, Parks and Recreation (Jerry’s daughter Millicent who dated Chris!)
Why You Should Watch Her: I feel like she plays a somewhat innocent straight girl on sitcoms a lot, but that’s because she’s great at it. It’ll be fun to see what her relationship is like with Casey Wilson’s character in this show, and if it goes one for at least more than one season, Sarah is sitting pretty for her TV career.
When You Can Watch Her: Tuesdays @ 9pm beginning on October 14th on NBC
Marry Me Trailer

Karen Gillan, Selfie

Stats

Previous Work: Doctor Who, NTSF:SD:SUV, Guardians of the Galaxy
Why You Should Watch Her: If you watch Doctor who, Karan is no rookie. However if you’re an American who’s not into that kind of stuff, Karen is a fairly unknown to mainstream television. Selfie’s a take on My Fair Lady/Pygmalion and her name is legit Eliza Doolie, and her mentor to make her less social media obsessed/more classy is a guy named Henry, played by John Cho. That’s right nerds, Sulu and Amy Pond are probs going to hook up if the show goes full season. And after seeing the pilot (which you can view online now), it has a good chance of a going all year.
When You Can Watch Her: Tuesdays @ 8pm beginning on September 30th on ABC
Selfie Pilot

Grant Gustin, The Flash

Stats

Previous Work: Glee, 90210
Why You Should Watch Him: He may have been an annoying Warbler from a competing school on Glee, but Grant is full on superhero in the much-talked about The Flash TV series. The CW is really capitalizing on its hottie heroes, and Grant is definitely going to join the ranks of his network pals. Also, bonus; Dawson Leery’s dad is in this show!
When You Can Watch Him: Tuesdays @ 8pm beginning on October 7th on CW
The Flash Trailer

John Mulaney, Mulaney

Stats

Previous Work: Writer on Saturday Night Live (he wrote Stefon sketches!)
Why You Should Watch Him: John Mulaney is mostly known for his stand-up comedy and work on SNL. After a year of his show floating around NBC, it found a home at FOX and now people get to finally see his starring show – and compare him to Jerry Seinfeld. Probably because the first scene in the trailer is him doing stand-up. I just really want him to do well. And I’m not just saying that because he’s a fellow Asian (he’s not).
When You Can Watch Him: Sundays @ 9:30pm beginning on October 5th on FOX
Mulaney Trailer

Ben Feldman, A to Z

Stats

Previous Work: Mad Men, Drop Dead Diva, The Mindy Project
Why You Should Watch Him: Oh Ginsberg. (Mad Men minor spoiler) I always knew you would go crazy one day. His role on Mad Men is completely different than as Andrew on rom-com A to Z. If you saw him on the Mindy Project, he’s much more like that on this new show than Ginsberg. And it’s fantastic.
When You Can Watch Him: Thursdays @ 9:30pm beginning on October 2nd on NBC
A to Z Trailer
Cristin Milioti, A to Z

Stats

Previous Work: 30 Rock, The Sopranos, The Wolf of Wall Street, Once The Musical, titular star of How I Met Your Mother
Why You Should Watch Her: Because if anybody deserves support on television, it’s Cristin Milioti. If you watched HIMYM and are on the side of ‘the last 10 minutes of the show didn’t actually happen’, you should watch A to Z. It has the same romantic comedy feel that HIMYM had, but hopefully this won’t end the same way. The pilot is currently available to watch before the premiere in October, and after having built it up so much in my head, I can say that it was worth it. A to Z is definitely on my must watch list this season.
When You Can Watch Her: Thursdays @ 9:30pm beginning on October 2nd on NBC
A to Z Pilot

 

Shows You Should Be Watching If You Aren’t Already: Last-Minute Binge Watching Edition

The long, lazy days of summer are winding down, and we couldn’t be more thrilled about it – because it means TV season is upon us! However, there’s enough summer left before premiere week to squeeze in a couple kayaking trips, or finally go on that weekend-long hike, or throw a big outdoor barbeque for all of your friends. Or – better idea! – you can binge watch all of these great shows and be caught up by the time the next season begins. With 1-3 seasons under their belt, these are shows you should be watching – and with a proper binge watching technique, we think they’re shows you can be watching. Let’s make those last weeks of summer count, kids.

 Traci’s Suggestions

For beginner binge-watchers looking for a laughcry: About a Boy

Seasons to catch up on: 1

Next season begins: Tuesday, October 14th on NBC

Why you should be watching:

This NBC sitcom was a mid-season replacement earlier this year (and we also talked about it then too) and only has 13 episodes that are 22 minutes long! About a Boy is based off the 2002 movie starring Hugh Grant, which was based on the 1998 novel by Nick Hornby, but the pilot is the only episode that is like the movie. After that, it’s about the boy, brilliantly played by Benjamin Stockham,, his mom, brilliantly played by Minnie Driver, and the bachelor neighbor who turns out to be the best father figure in the boy’s life, brilliantly played by David Walton. If you like your comedies with a side of crying and a handful of heart, this show’s for you. This show’s also for you if you are a fan of Parenthood or Friday Night Lights, as it has the same tone as those shows, except with a few more jokes. Also it’s by creator/executive producer Jason Katims, who helmed said shows. He really can do nothing wrong.

For the rom-com loving semi-professional TV watchers: The Mindy Project

Seasons to catch up on: 2

Next season begins: Tuesday, September 16th on FOX

Why you should be watching:

Just like a fine wine or Mindy’s alma mater, The Office, this show only gets better with time. With every episode, the writers and actors found their true voice, and by the end of season two, it became not only one of my favorite shows, but it was hard to believe that such a strong series was only in its second season. As the creator, executive producer and star of the show, there’s no doubt that Mindy Kaling’s own voice is all over the series, which is a good thing. To be clear, Mindy doesn’t play herself, she plays a woman named Mindy who is a gynecologist with her own practice. I can’t think of a female in television who is like her – there’s Tina Fey, but she and Mindy have such different comedic styles which are both great in their own ways. While Tina used 30 Rock as an offbeat showcase for her humor, Mindy takes the nuances of her friendships and romances and amplifies them to create a fairly accurate portrait of life as a working single woman in 2014. And for gals like me, I greatly appreciate that there is a minority woman representin’ in a sea of (for lack of a better term) white men in comedy. There are 46 half hour (22 minute) episodes to catch up on before September 16th, but I promise they will go faster than you can say Beyonce Pad Thai (you’ll eventually get that reference).

For the dramatically inclined hardcore TV addicts: Scandal

Seasons to catch up on: 3

Next season begins: Thursday, September 25th on ABC

Why you should be watching:

My friends know I’m insane about television, so when they ask me for suggestions as for what to watch next, I always say Scandal. Always. This is mainly for selfish reasons so I can have other people to freak out with when shit goes down on the show. But really, the show itself is really good you guys. If for some reason you don’t know what Scandal’s about (where have you been), the basic plot centers around Olivia Pope (played by the gorgeous and talented Kerry Washington), who is a Washington D.C. fixer. She makes bad situations better, or even makes them go away completely. Oh, small side note is that she’s having an affair with the President. Who’s married. With kids. AND YOU STILL FIND YOURSELF ROOTING FOR THE PEOPLE HAVING THE AFFAIR. But that’s one of the best aspects of the show – the line of right and wrong is always blurred and you don’t know whose side to be on.

Plus the show moves QUICKLY. There are 47 hour-long episodes but they go by super fast (if you binge-watched Grey’s Anatomy like me, I’m convinced Shonda Rhimes puts crack in her eps to make you want to watch one right after the other). Not only time wise, but plot wise too – I have never seen so many things happen in an hour than in Scandal. People die, people lie, people have family members you never knew existed – it’s a lot to take in, but it’s so worth it. Also, you want to catch up (all three seasons are on Netflix instant!) so you can watch live come September. Another great part about watching the show live is live tweeting. Most of the cast tweets live from both coasts every Thursday, which is takes the viewing experience to a whole new level. And if you’re concerned about watching 47 episodes in a month – just know that I watched seasons 1 and 2 of Scandal in 8 days. What’s even more impressive is that that’s not even my best record for binge-watching a series. Side note: I just remembered there’s a site where you can calculate how many hours of your life you’ve spent watching TV, and it’s scary. Unrelatedly, I’m gonna go play outside for the next year.

Molly’s Suggestions

For displaced comedy nerds: Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Seasons to catch up on: 1

Next season begins: Sunday, September 28 on FOX

Why you should be watching:

The Golden Globes got this one right – Brooklyn Nine-Nine is an ensemble workplace comedy with clever writing and a hilarious cast. Despite TV’s love affair with police procedurals and sitcoms about coworkers, it’s also the only combination of the two currently on the small screen. With comedy vets  Andy Samberg, Chelsea Peretti and Joe Lo Truglio, cop show vet Andre Braugher, talented (relative) newcomers Stephanie Beatriz and Melissa Fumero, and a former football player just because (Terry Crews), this is a cast with a rapport like people you’d find at an actual workplace. Except, you know, funnier.

If you are a sitcom lover still reeling over the loss of The Office and 30 Rock, and bracing for the end of Parks And Recreation, and kind of confused about what’s going on with Community, this show will fill the hole in your heart and also the one in your TV schedule.

For insomniacs and horror fans who aren’t afraid of the dark: American Horror Story

 Seasons to catch up on: 3 – or zero. We’ll explain.

Next season begins: Wednesday, October 8th on FX

Why you should be watching:

Look. I’m not a horror movie person, really, but this is just good television. Let’s talk about the cast: Jessica Lange, Kathy Bates, Sarah Paulson, Zachary Quinto, Angela Bassett, Dylan McDermott, Connie Britton, Gabourey Sidibe – although not all of them appear in all seasons, some of the best actors of today are on AHS. The whole thing is headed up by Ryan Murphy after he jumped ship from Glee (can you blame him?). And the format – AHS functions like a reperatory company, with actors taking different roles in the different seasons. That means each season tells an entirely different story. They can all be watched independently of each other, so you only have to catch up on as much as you want to.

The seasons are themed. In the past we’ve had Murder House (ghosts!), Asylum (psychological torture!), and Coven (witches!), but the upcoming season will be scariest of all: Freak Show (clowns!). Such is my fear of the circus that I was terrified of my sister’s clown doll for my whole childhood, and one of my brothers would swing open my bedroom door and smile a giant, frozen clown smile while singing that awful circus calliope song. This is going to be full-on spooky.

For escapists with time to spare: Once Upon A Time

Seasons to catch up on: 3

Next season begins: Sunday, September 28 on ABC

Why you should be watching:

I think we all have those people who we trust implicitly when it comes to TV recommendations. Traci is one of mine, by the way, so you should probably watch what she tells you to watch because she always nails it. Another is my sister-in-law. A couple years ago she told me about Once Upon A Time, and I was like “girl … fairy tales? Not sure.”

I started watching a few weeks ago and I am sold. Once Upon A Time is set in Storybrooke, Maine, a town populated by fairy tale characters. The evil queen levied a curse (do you levy curses or did law school just ruin me as a person?) and everybody forgot about their fairy tale past and lived as normal people – until Snow White’s daughter shows up on her 28th birthday and sets the wheels a-turning. Each episode contains a plot line in the present day as the townspeople try to figure out what’s up, and a fairy tale backstory of one of the characters in their former life.

Remember in the TGIF days when each of the ABC shows had an episode set at Disney every year? Once Upon A Time is like the ultimate ABC-Disney tie-in. I mean, don’t worry, Anna and Elsa have already been cast. But it’s not all fluff. Once Upon A Time is the brainchild of the creators of Lost, so there’s a lot of crazy theories you can keep track of, plus a bunch of Lost references.

I just finished season one and I’m not sure if I’ll get through two more in the next month. It’s certainly doable. But if you don’t mind spoiling yourself, you could probably watch season one, select random episodes of the other season to watch, and use Wikipedia for the rest.

 

Live Blog: Emmy Awards 2014

It’s a very exciting day for us because it’s Emmys Day, y’all!! Today is our Super Bowl, and we’re super excited to see what kind of shenanigans go down (on a school night). We’re kicking things off around 8pm EST/5pm PST, so come back and join us! Friendly reminder that we’re too cheap to update and get legit liveblogging technology, so please refresh this page every 5 to 10 minutes for our up-to-the-minute updates! Also, feel free to join us on Twitter as we’ll be updating that too.

If you want to follow along, fill out our handy dandy C+S Emmys ballot by clicking here!!

ALSO: Today also marks the start of our Back to TV Week, which means for the next four days, we’ll be discussing one of our favorite topics – television! As sad as it is to see summer come to an end soon, it also means that our fave shows are coming back and we’ll be talking about that too. So check in all this week, TV nerds!

emmys seth

M: Christina Hendricks is wearing a red sari-inspired dress. Now, I’ve heard my whole life that redheads can’t wear red – and internalized it to the extent that when we used to make fun of my friend’s Hardcore music, my fake lyrics included “I don’t think I look good in red!” But Christina Hendricks does look good in red, obviously. But the real star here is her husband Geoffrey Arend, who has the cutest little face.

Hayden Panettiere is pregnant – with, she says, a girl baby. Her boobs are way the hell out. Hayden’s, that is.

Julie Bowen is wearing a very pretty floral dress. Am I crazy or do some of the flowers look blurred out, like they were witnesses to a mafia crime?

January Jones: you know how bangs make some people look like they’ve entered the same witness protection program as Julie Bowen’s floral dress? That’s what’s going on with January Jones.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, one of my favorite humans, looks amazing in a reddish, hot pink-y dress. Her clutch goes onto the “clutch cam” and that thing is full of finger prints (it’s gold) – so in whatever crime I’m lining up witnesses for, we have some forensic evidence.

Heidi Klum is proving that “intermediate red-pink color” is really the shade of the evening! She’s also proving that next to her, everybody else looks like an actual monster.

Lena Dunham looks like she would do roller derby.

Sarah Silverman just opened her clutch to reveal a vaporizer. All the cool kids are going to be hanging out in the bathroom with Sarah and her vape pen tonight.

Jimmy Fallon gave a shout-out to his wife and baby, who he says love E! Apparently baby Winnie has inherited Jimmy’s ability to have everything be his favorite.

KATE MCKINNON. Unlike in emails from your mother, that caps lock was both intentional and necessary.

Claire Danes: also in red. Givenchy. She looks like a Christmas ornament and that’s a compliment, I freaking love Christmas.

T: Literally said outloud: “OH MY GOD TAYLOR KITSCH” and clutched my heart. Forgot it was a possibility he’d be here. Thanks, The Normal Heart.

M: I don’t understand Kerry Washington’s dress. When I was a kid there used to be an infomercial for The Infinite Dress, which was like 18 different dresses in one. That’s how I feel here. I still want the infinite dress, BTW.

T: POEHLER IS A FREAKING VISION.

M: Did I miss her?? I saw a picture on tumblr but I’ve been switching between E! and NBC.

T: They briefly showed her walking in front of photographers on E!, but alas, no interview. She is wearing all silver like a GD goddess.

M:OK, I did catch that. When I have a day when I feel extra gross looking my mental refrain is always “Ugh, I hardly look like a person.” That’s how I feel about Amy Poehler tonight. But, I mean, in a positive sense. How are you a real person??

So, I have a friend who has face blindness, basically. Like, he didn’t recognize his sister because she changed her hair. Anyway, that’s how I feel tonight. Because first January Jones, now Gwen Stefani. She looks nothing like herself.

Laverne Cox is taking a page from Amy Poehler by not even looking like a person. She looks like an ANGEL. OITNB really cleans up nice.

T: For anyone wondering why this is all going down on a Monday and not Sunday like normal entertainment awards shows, it all has to do with Sunday Night Football in September and the MTV VMAs already booked for last night… a lot of drama. Just like in TV. See what I did there?

M: Oh, I saw.

You know around Christmas or on vacation when people say that there’s “too much excitement” for little kids, like they just can’t handle it? That’s how I feel about the VMAs and The Emmys back to back like this.

T: Amy & Tina responded to “New phone, who dis?” to Seth, which is also something I hope they will text ME one day.

 “That’s right Jesse Pinkman made it. The serial killer on Dexter made it, but your mother didn’t make it kids, good night.” BUT THIS THO. #StillSaltyAboutHIMYM

 M: UGH.

Seth’s analogy between HBO and that one kid who turned out way better than you thought he would is super act. It’s come a long way from Grease 2 and Fraggle Rock.

“Duck Dynasty was the most VCR-taped”.

 T: I was really hoping Amy would give Fred the award but whatever. Ty looked really shocked. Also is the announcer doing the thing where she gives out random facts about the winner? “Ty was raised in Oregon”. Yeah, and “Amy Poehler was born as the second coming of Christ.”

M: “Amy Poehler’s first childhood memory is emerging fully formed from the sea atop an open shell.” Yeah, we’re substituting our own “fun facts” from this point forward.

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series

Andre Braugher, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Adam Driver, Girls

Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family

Ty Burrell, Modern Family

Fred Armisen, Portlandia

Tony Hale, Veep

 Traci’s Pick: Tony Hale, Veep

As much as I like JTF/Ty Burrell/Modern Family, I’m really glad Tony Hale broke their winning streak. Besides the fact Tony’s hilarious in Veep, I also just want to see what bit he’ll do if he wins this year.

Molly’s Pick: Tony Hale, Veep

Exactly what Traci said.

WINNER: Ty Burrell, Modern Family


M: Yawwwwn. Ty Burrell seems like a very nice man and Modern Family is funny. But this is starting to feel like Cheerios winning Best Cereal. It’s good and all, but isn’t there something else out there by now?

T: Peter Pan looks wicked skinny, no?

M: She does know she doesn’t have to look like an 11 year old boy who lives on an island just yet right? [That was mean. The Emmy Awards would make me either stress-skinny or stress-eat, too.]

Outstanding Writing For A Comedy Series

David Crane and Jeffrey Klarik, Episodes

Louis C.K., Louie

Liz Friedman and Jenji Kohan, Orange Is The New Black

Alec Berg, Silicon Valley

Simon Blackwell, Tony Roche, and Armando Iannucci, Veep

Traci’s Pick: Louis C.K., Louie

If this wins, it’s because of this scene right here.

Molly’s Pick: Liz Friedman and Jenji Kohan, Orange Is The New Black.

I’m not even clicking on that link because it makes me cry which I don’t think was the intent.

WINNER: Louis C.K., Louie

 T: … why was Zooey SO EXCITED for Louie to win? Are they secret BFFs??

M: I hope so!  But for an outstandingly written comedy episode that one sure did make me tear up a lot. These categories are getting pretty fuzzy.

T: “One half of the comedy team Guillermo and Kimmel. Please welcome Kimmel.” I legitimately LOLed at this.

“I mean alright alright alright already.” Remember when McConissance talked about Pluto or Venus or whatever at the SAG awards??

M: We probably should have done a prediction for what he would rant about this year.

 Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series

Mayim Bialik, The Big Bang Theory

Julie Bowen, Modern Family

Allison Janney, Mom

Kate Mulgrew, Orange Is The New Black

Kate McKinnon, Saturday Night Live

Anna Chlumsky, Veep

 Traci’s Pick: Kate Mulgrew, Orange Is The New Black

Since this is the first year for OITNB in the Emmys, I feel like they’ll walk away with at least a few trophies. The brilliant Uzo Aduba (Crazy Eyes) has already won the Guest Actress in a Comedy Series prize, and hopefully Red will follow. Also, if Kate McKinnon wins I will run around my room screaming of happiness.

Molly’s Pick: Anna Chlumsky, Veep.

Sometimes I pretend I’m a Selina but I’m really more of an Amy. I will join you on your victory lap if Kate McKinnon wins. Or Kate Mulgrew, actually. 

WINNER: Allison Janney, Mom

T: Allison Janney – love ya girl, but I didn’t realize that the 90s trend of velour is back in style. I mean I knew it, but I refused to believe it. You know what would make this speech amazing? If she did a version of The Jackal. That’s a little The West Wing ref for you folks.

M: Holy velour. It can stay in 1994 with choker necklaces. Someone wore one at the VMAs (Katy Perry??) and now that the 90s are over, the only people wearing chokers should be teen ghost girls from R.L. Stine books who need them to hold their heads on.

Also, Mom is a show on television, apparently.

T: OH FUCK. This Parenthood promo just made me cry. A 20 SECOND COMMERICIAL.

M Me too, because I somehow didn’t know it was the farewell season?? NO.

T: Unforunately, yes. Parenthood AND Parks ending in one year is basically the end.

M: Shit. Maybe I need to start watching Mom.

I appreciate that the folks at NBC are giving us a countdown until Jimmy Fallon shows up.

T: So this directing win for Gail Mancuso for Modern Family is actually worth it for this speech.

T: Billy! I hope Elena shows up!

M: Like Elf, the Billy On The Street where he goes caroling with Amy Poehler is a Christmas thing that I could watch basically all year for a mood lift.

T: “Goble” OMG I AM CRYING.

M: Billy: “Miss, You’re a lesbian, you’re watching Orange Is The New Black?”

Lady: I am, but I’m not a lesbian.

Oh, ma’am. Your haircut says, at the least, that you entertained the idea in college. 

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series

Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

Ricky Gervais, Derek

Matt LeBlanc, Episodes

Don Cheadle, House Of Lies

Louis C.K., Louie

William H. Macy, Shameless

Traci’s Pick: Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

Just realized 5 out of 6 of these nominees are on cable, which is really interesting for this category. Remember the days of Fraiser and Everybody Loves Raymond? Anyways, I’m just saying Jim because he won last year.

Molly’s Pick: Louis C.K, Louie

This is literally the only show on this list I watch so that’s where my brain is. Also The Big Bang Theory makes me feel icky.

WINNER: Jim Parsons

M: I hope he says “Did I do that?” or whatever the hell his nerd catchphrase is.

T: Ugh. I hope Jim’s pay raise is worth all this. #Bazinga.

M: Ah yes, there it is.

T: I really like when Seth introduces his guests as “my good friend {insert name here}”. He’s good friends with a lot of people, I’ve found.

Ok, I need Jimmy Fallon elaborate on the whole Miley Cyrus homeless teen thing last night at the VMAs bc Jimbo looked mad confused.

M: “Amy Pueblo, Parks And Recreation”

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series

Lena Dunham, Girls

Melissa McCarthy, Mike & Molly

Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie

Taylor Schilling, Orange Is The New Black

Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Traci’s Pick: Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

Just like at the Golden Globes earlier this year, I’m saying Amy just so it’s out there in the universe in hopes she’ll win her first Emmy. If JLD wins, that’s cool too, but come on. Amy.

Molly’s Pick: Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

I’m also using The Secret on this one and picking Poehler. Agreed about JLD.

WINNER: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep 

T: Oh boy. We love Amy, obvs. But JLD always makes her acceptance speeches worth it. (Also I just stood up in hopes that would help Amy Pueblo win)

M: The comedy actress category always gives me a knot in the stomach. I feel like Venus and Serena Williams’ parents must feel.

Outstanding Reality-Competition Program

The Amazing Race

Dancing With The Stars

Project Runway

So You Think You Can Dance

Top Chef

The Voice 

Traci’s Pick: The Voice

My heart will always and forever be with SYTYCD, but I don’t think it ever has a chance of winning. Hopefully I’m proved wrong.

Molly’s Pick: The Voice

Oh God. There are so many categories in this damn awards show.

WINNER:The Amazing Race

T: It’s like an Amazing Race to get up to the stage, amirite?  (SYTYCD WAS ROBBED. YET AGAIN.)

M: Since SYTYCD didn’t win, the absolute only thing I cared about with this category was that Mindy Kaling and John Mulaney presented it.

T: Everything that comes out of Melissa McCarthy’s mouth is pure gold. Everything.

M: This bit is reminding me of the Q and As in the Carol Burnett show. All of my references are things your weird old aunt would say.

T: COLIN! CECILY! FRED!! I WANT TO BE IN THE SNL CORNER!!!

M: New awards show format idea. Just read out the rest of the nominees real quick then let us listen to the SNL corner talk amongst themselves for the next 2 hours.

T: I’m into it.

T: Do you think Larry Kramer is in the corner cursing and on his way back to NY right now?

M: I wish this was the Golden Globes so he and Amy Poehler could just get drunk together and talk about how they deserved to win. 

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Miniseries Or A Movie

Frances Conroy, American Horror Story: Coven

Kathy Bates, American Horror Story: Coven

Angela Bassett, American Horror Story: Coven

Allison Tolman, Fargo

Ellen Burstyn, Flowers In The Attic

Julia Roberts, The Normal Heart

Traci’s Pick: Allison Tolman, Fargo

Allison won the Critics’ Choice Award earlier this year and has been getting a lot of buzz, so I’m voting for her. But Ellen Burstyn always wins…

Molly’s Pick: Allison Tolman, Fargo

Friendly neighborhood reminder that Flowers In The Attic was really, really bad.

WINNER: Kathy Bates, American Horror Story: Coven 

T: No but really, are these “fun facts” about the winner just about where they were born? Is it supposed to be funny?

M Fun fact: Kathy Bates lost a significant sum of money when her husband came home drunk as a pig celebrating and lit a fire on their money. (She’ll always be Molly Brown to me.)

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Miniseries Or A Movie

Colin Hanks, Fargo

Jim Parsons, The Normal Heart

Joe Mantello, The Normal Heart

Alfred Molina, The Normal Heart

Matt Bomer, The Normal Heart

Martin Freeman, Sherlock: His Last Vow

Traci’s Pick: Matt Bomer, The Normal Heart

I guess someone from The Normal Heart will walk away with this. Hopefully it will go to Matt Bomer because he was phenomenal and made me cry like a bebe.

Molly’s Pick: Matt Bomer, The Normal Heart

That was a tough call. I hope the votes don’t get split up among the nominees from The Normal Heart.

WINNER: Martin Freeman, Sherlock: His Last Vow

 T: WHOOOAAAAAA That is a total upset for The Normal Heart. Also, this makes be believe the TV Academy has turned into the Oscars Academy – aka all old white men.

M: Waittt….. so you mean old white men are in charge of something? This changes the whole game…

T: I know, it’s a different group of folks than usual, you know, like the super diverse government with women and minorities.

M: Well, I for one think it’s time we give those crusty old coots a chance.

Doesn’t anyone realize that Normal Heart was really, really good? I mean usually they just assume things on HBO are really, really good without necessarily even watching them.

T: AMYY Honestly always excited when she appears on my television screen.

M: Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson planned their outfits together harder than me, in fifth grade, before a dressdown day. Because why wear street clothes if you can’t wear matching courduroy overalls with your best friend. Or muted jewel tone suits, as the case may be. 

T: I think the sequel to True Detective should be a buddy cop comedy version of the first season with these two fools.

M: Literally every one of our TV ideas has been better than most of what we’re seeing tonight.

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Miniseries Or A Movie

Chiwetel Ejiofor, Dancing On The Edge

Martin Freeman, Fargo

Billy Bob Thornton, Fargo

Idris Elba, Luther

Mark Ruffalo, The Normal Heart

Benedict Cumberbatch, Sherlock: His Last Vow 

Traci’s Pick: Mark Ruffalo, The Normal Heart

Probably Mark Ruffalo’s best performance ever.

Molly’s Pick: Mark Ruffalo, The Normal Heart

Although if Idris Elba wins we all get to watch him for a minute or two – so in that case, everyone wins.

Winner: Benedict Cumberbatch, Sherlock: His Last Vow

M: I’ll admit it. I’m probably going to lose any internet cred I ever had. But I’m not in any of the appropriate fandoms to know why Benedict Cumberbatch is so magical. Like I take everyone’s word for it.

T: Yup. agreed. We’re gonna get trolllllssss! Can’t wait.

M: Oh, man. This is going to be worse than that time I wrote about the top scrubs of the tv movie about TLC.

T: IMPORTANT: I FEEL CHEATED OUT OF SEEING IDRIS ELBA IN A TUX.

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Miniseries Or A Movie

Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Coven

Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story: Coven

Helena Bonham Carter, Burton And Taylor

Minnie Driver, Return To Zero

Kristen Wiig, The Spoils Of Babylon

Cicely Tyson, The Trip To Bountiful

Traci’s Pick: Helena Bonham Carter, Burton And Taylor

Honestly, I just want Wiig to win this, but did anyone see The Spoils of Babylon? Especially the Emmy voters?

Molly’s Pick: Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story: Coven

Or maybe Jessica Lange? Let’s just take a moment to appreciate how great all of these nominees are. I mean in general. Not in these projects, because I haven’t seen them (except AHS).

WINNER: Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Coven 

M: Weird Al is making up lyrics to instrumental tv theme songs, and isn’t this something everyone does already? No, just me? I’m also learning that it’s one of those things that’s only entertaining when you’re doing it in front of your tv waiting for a show to start. Not as an awards show segment.

But nice S/O to Claire Danes’ ugly crying!

T: What in the actual fuck is this medley? Remember how much better this was last year with the choreography category? It also feels super out of place. There has been no singing and dancing a la NPH or Jimmy Fallon, so this is coming out of nowhere and doesn’t fall within the tone of Seth’s comedy…

Outstanding Miniseries

American Horror Story: Coven

Bonnie & Clyde

Fargo

Luther

Treme

The White Queen 

Traci’s Pick: Fargo

I’m basing this on the fact this show got a lot of nominations.

Molly’s Pick: Fargo

Yeah, I think critics were really into it. Bonnie & Clyde was OK I guess.

WINNER: Fargo

M: I know I probably should have watched this, but the last time I watched some Minnesota-talking people hang out where it’s cold was Sarah Palin’s Alaska and that was quite enough for me, thanks.

Outstanding Television Movie

Killing Kennedy

Muhammad Ali’s Greatest Fight

The Normal Heart

Sherlock: His Last Vow

The Trip To Bountiful

 Traci’s Pick: The Normal Heart

Because if you haven’t seen this movie yet, you are missing out on an important piece of American history.

Molly’s Pick: The Normal Heart

Honestly, if The Normal Heart doesn’t win…

WINNER: The Normal Heart

M: Nice work, Old White Guys. Maybe you fellas are going to make it after all. 

Speaking of white guys, Ricky Gervais is here to give us the giggles after we all (read: I) cried a bit for a while there. He reads the speech he would have given, calling out “Joey from Friends” and “Louis from Louie, spelled slightly differently.”

Sarah Silverman wins for writing of a variety special and opens with “wow, this didn’t occur to me!” Me either, Sarah. And I think she’s hilarious, I just didn’t think she’d win. She seems pretty energetic so I think she maybe didn’t hit her vape pen yet, but then she calls us molecules hurtling through the universe or something. But she does it SO MUCH QUICKER than Matthew McConaughey would have.

T: Guys. Sarah Silverman is high right now. Like legit. Like she showed Giuliana Rancic her “liquid pot” vape on the red carpet. Which, I didn’t even know was a thing.

M: Yeah, that’s why all those vaporizer stores keep cropping up. It’s not for the weird flavored tobacco.

T: Guys did you know that Jordan Peele and Chelsea Perretti from Brooklyn Nine-Nine are dating? Just found out the other week.

M: CUTE! And hilarious, probably. I did not know that.

T: Chris Hardwick s/o to internet trolls.

 

M: Is it the center part? Is that why I can’t recognize Gwen Stefani? Or is it because she doesn’t have her posse of creatively dressed young Asian girls? (Does she still have them? Not sure.)

T: It might be the lit’rally thousands of Swarovski crystals hanging from her Versace gown…

Outstanding Variety Series

The Colbert Report

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Real Time With Bill Maher

Saturday Night Live

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Traci’s Pick: The Colbert Report

I don’t think shows besides Colbert and Jon Stewart are allowed to win this category.

Molly’s Pick: The Colbert Report

Yeah, I agree. But I’d love for Fallon to win.

WINNER: The Colbert Report

Photo Aug 25, 9 07 32 PM

T: JIMOTHY. DIDN’T EVEN SEE HIM COME UP. I appreciate that Jimbo and Amy Pueblo keep popping up even though they both aren’t winning tonight.

M: I was looking at my computer and then I was like “wait, a Colbert guy sounds just like Jimmy Fallon… wait a second!”

T: I cannot with Sofia Vergara. Everything she does is hilarious. No one is listening to this Academy guy.

M: Okay, THANKS. I know a lot of people who think she’s over-the-top or schtick-y but she has straight-up Lucille Ball vibes a lot of the time. I love her.

T: YES. Def Luicille Ball vibes. If anyone hasn’t seen her “Cover Girl commercial” with Ellen, watch that now. Or you know, at a commercial.

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series

Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad

Jim Carter, Downton Abbey

Peter Dinklage, Game Of Thrones

Josh Charles, The Good Wife

Mandy Patinkin, Homeland

Jon Voight, Ray Donovan

Traci’s Pick: Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad

AP ❤ I just want to see him cry and talk about how much he loves the BB cast and his gorge wife. If anyone else has a chance, it’s Josh Charles (for dying) and Mandy Patinkin (probs for the beard).

Molly’s Pick: Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad

I don’t watch GoT (yet) but I think Peter Dinklage seems like a real gem, so I wouldn’t mind if he won.

WINNER: Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad

M: Do Aaron Paul and Chris Pratt have a secret pact to spread happiness, joy, and belief in true love across the nation? Because it’s working.

T: If they do, it’s the best secret society to ever exist. I’m gonna throw up because I’m excited for you too, Aaron. And to reiterate for the 10 millionth time, the love AP has for his wife is utterly disgusting and amazing and I’m just super jealous.

M: Here is his wife’s foundation that he mentioned. What a couple of dolls.

M: I can’t be sure there’s anyone even left in Hollywood after watching that In Memorium. Man, we lost some good ones this year.

T: Oh boy here we go. Honestly shed more tears during Ryan Murphy’s The Normal Heart speech. Does this make me a horrible person? The Robin Williams, tribute however…

M: Right before it started I was about to write “fortunately, I must have missed the Robin Williams part of the In Memorium so I’m still doing okay.” Damn it.

 T: Guys Cary …F… True Detective director. Ok quick story: after I finished watching True Detective, I looked this guy up and was SO SURPRISED to see how HOT he is (and that he briefly dated Michelle Williams of Dawson’s Creek). But he’s currently sporting some sort of long braid which is… not hot. Speaking of Michelle Williams, the “fun fact” for Cary was that he was a PA on the set of the Destiny’s Child Survivor video. I really can’t tell if these are supposed to be jokey or not.

M: Fun fact: that’s how I do my goddaughter’s hair if it’s a day she’s going to be out playing a lot.

T: I’m sure Cary will be doing a lot of playing/partying tonight.

M: Well then I hope he used the fun glitter hairspray, too. Really keeps things in place on the playground in STYLE. (Hair aside: he’s a looker).

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama Series

Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad

Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey

Joanne Froggatt, Downton Abbey

Lena Headey, Game Of Thrones

Christine Baranski, The Good Wife

Christina Hendricks, Mad Men

 Traci’s Pick: Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad

Like OITNB’s winning streak as a new Emmy show, BB’s final season will (hopefully) pick up statues for all involved.

Molly’s Pick: Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad

Process of elimination pick

Winner: Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad

T: Uh… did Katherine Heigl win an Emmy for Greys?

M: Not sure. Maybe for Roswell? Also I could have sworn she was introduced by the voice of Amy Poehler but I may be losing it like that one Full House episode when D.J. sees Steve everywhere when they go to Disney.

T: Just confirmed – she won Supporting Actress in a Drama Series in 2007. Ugh. I mean she was good, but really? Okay. 

Outstanding Writing For A Drama Series

Vince Gilligan, Breaking Bad

Moira Walley-Beckett, Breaking Bad

David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, Game Of Thrones

Beau Willimon, House Of Cards

Nic Pizzolatto, True Detective 

Traci’s Pick: Moira Walley-Beckett, Breaking Bad

Moira Walley-Beckett wrote Ozymandias, the third to last episode with the showdown in the desert, and probably one of the best hours of television I have ever seen in my life. The ep Vince Gilligan is up for is the series finale, which is also good, but I watched Ozymandias like 3 times, which is saying something, because normal people don’t do this.

Molly’s Pick: Beau Willimon, House Of Cards

I DON’T KNOW OKAY. I hovered my cursor between this, Moira Walley-Beckett & Game Of Thrones for like a full minute.

WINNER: Moira Walley-Beckett 

M: Like, IS that Amy Poehler’s voice, or…? Moira Walley-Beckett does not pull off the phrase “mad skills, yo” very well. She does pull off that dress and writing compelling television, so hey, everyone can’t do everything. 

T: How are we running so late already? Let the woman speak! I blame Weird Al. 

M: I WAS JUST ABOUT TO BLAME WEIRD AL. 

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series

Michelle Dockery, Downton Abbey

Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife

Claire Danes, Homeland

Robin Wright, House Of Cards

Lizzy Caplan, Masters of Sex

Kerry Washington, Scandal 

Traci’s Pick: Robin Wright, House Of Cards

I’m over Claire Danes winning. I really, really want Kerry to win, but compared to the other ladies’ shows, Scandal seems like a soap opera. But whatever, Kerry deserves it. So in saying that, it’s going to Robin Wright.

Molly’s Pick: Kerry Washington, Scandal

Who do I think will win? Probably not Kerry Washington. Just so we’re clear, my picks are a hodgepodge of people I want to win and people I predict are most likely to win.

WINNER: Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife

Photo Aug 25, 9 10 40 PM

T: Bless you Kerry Washington for having the best ‘I didn’t win but I’m so happy for Nurse Hathaway’ face.

M: Everyone’s into this contouring makeup now with the bronzer to show us where your cheeks are or whatever, but in 20 years we’re all going to look back on the 2010s as the time when everyone’s face looked kind of dirty. This goes out to, honestly, most of those lovely, talented actresses in that category.

Mindy knows what I’m talking about.

T: Update: apparently after Aaron Paul gave a shout out to his wife’s nonprofit, the website legitimately crashed. Perfect human. (KindCampaign.com)

M: I know! I went to it to try to link to it when I was posting and kept getting an error message. Great job, buddy! Ugh they really are the perfect couple.

T: Kevin Spacey brought a cane with him tonight. Just FYI.

 M: His bow tie looks like Samantha Parkington’s hairbow. I wonder if the cane is more of a fashion thing or a function thing. 

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series

Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

Kevin Spacey, House Of Cards

Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom

Woody Harrelson, True Detective

Matthew McConaughey, True Detective

 Traci’s Pick: Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

I keep changing my choice for this, so I would be fine if either Bryan or the McConaissance win. If Emmy voters are feeling sentimental this year, it’ll go to Bryan Cranston. If they want to see headlines of Matthew saying ‘Alright Alright Alright’ and saying it’s his year for winning an Oscar AND Emmy within months, it’ll go to him. Or Jeff Daniels could win and ruin everything. This is probably the category to watch for the entire night.

Molly’s Pick: Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

I have McConaughey fatigue.

WINNER: Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad 

T: Legit clapping very loudly for BryCran right now (I am by myself. At work.).

I think it’s funny that Jay Leno is supposed to be like this big ‘surprise’ guest. No one cares. Bye Felicia.

Outstanding Comedy Series

The Big Bang Theory

Louie

Modern Family

Orange Is The New Black

Silicon Valley

Veep

Traci’s Pick: Orange Is The New Black

Again, I need a show to break Modern Family’s winning streak.

Molly’s Pick: Orange Is The New Black

I really hope OITNB or Veep wins. Or Louie. I’m so bored of Modern Family winning. And you all know how I feel about The Big Bang Theory.

WINNER: Modern Family

posting this pic, because, kerry.

T: UGH MODERN FAMILY GTFO (I will say that Las Vegas episode was one of the best ever, though).

M: Guys, you don’t have to act surprised. Let’s not Taylor Swift it, here.This cutoff music, though. It makes me want to use that Miss Manners-y expression, “poor planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on my part.” If I won one of the biggest awards I wouldn’t cut my speech short because they let Weird Al make shit up for 7 minutes.

Outstanding Drama Series

Breaking Bad

Downton Abbey

Game Of Thrones

House Of Cards

Mad Men

True Detective

Traci’s Pick: Breaking Bad

A well deserved one last hurrah for Walter White and co., please.

Molly’s Pick: Breaking Bad

Downton and Mad Men weren’t at Emmy winner caliber this year, TBH.

WINNER: Breaking Bad

T: YO BITCH THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE JUST STOOD UP FOR A TV SHOW. When does that ever happen? I can tell you when it didn’t happen – when Modern Family won.

M: Yes, but when you have laurels like Modern Family, you rest on them.

So, overall: I was happy with some of the wins, but I have to say that a lot of winners – and frankly, nominees – prove that the Emmy voters are not watching the same tv (or in the same way) as the rest of us.

Can’t win ‘em all, I suppose. Thanks everyone for joining us and tune in tomorrow for our Best/Word Dressed picks and the rest of the week for our TV-themed posts!!

The Dawson’s Creek Virgin Diaries: Season 6

Well friends, this is it. The final installment of my Dawson’s Creek Virgin Diaries. It’s been a long road from Capeside to Boston and there were definitely a lot of memories made along the way. In case you want to reminisce with past seasons, you can find them here -> Season 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. It’s been sort of a struggle bus with season five, and I’m so glad the producers decided to end it at season 6, or get cancelled, whatever it was. There was a possibility Joey was going to Paris, Audrey and Pacey embarked on an epic road trip to LA – but will they still be together by the end of it, is the question – and Dawson … actually don’t remember Dawson’s storyline, nor do I care. IF THIS SHOW DOESN’T HAVE PACEY AND JOEY AS END GAME I QUIT.

Episode 1

Joey kicks things off with a voiceover, and the first scenes include Pacey and Audrey driving in front of a green screen. The cuts involved side swipes (yet again) from Windows Movie Maker and do they just not give any fucks the last season?

ATTENTION: Pacey has a goatee. A goatee. This is the most exciting plot point in the past season.

Look, a Jack Osbourne cameo because the year is 2002 and he was still relevant then.

Oh man it finally happened. Dawson and Joey had sex. I had to watch with my hand over my face.

Notable Quotes:

Dawson: Jo guess what?

Joey: You’re gay.

Dawson: Yes, that.

Episode 2

I’m probably not supposed to have this reaction but ughhhhhh it’s so awkward seeing Dawson and Joey post-sex. It’s almost incest like. AND he got her a rose hahahahahaha

Pace wants to be a stock broker now? He was better as a chef. I mean I’ve obviously never had his food, but I’m assuming. Also, he’s not real.

How’s this for meta – the movie set Dawson’s working on had to create a house and they recreated his Capeside one.

Episode 3

Joey just accidentally sent her heartfelt email meant for Dawson to the entire college, because that’s how it was in 2002 BF (Before Facebook) era. She legit had to go to her address book and click on his name.

Pacey. Just – gel haired Pacey.

Episode 4

Dawson gets called out by actress/fling Natasha in front of Joey because he dumped her via answering machine and then slept with Joey – and director Todd’s face is perfect. What happened to young, innocent Dawson?

And Jensen Ackles comes to the rescue for Jen when this stupid frat type guy won’t let her go save drunk Audrey from sleeping with some rando. Is this the show other WB actors went on before going on their respective shows? Also, I don’t watch Supernatural, but I can’t be the only one who will always associate Jensen with Days of Our Lives?

Episode 6

Oh great it’s the Halloween episode! At least it’s the last one I’ll have to sit through.

Audrey breaks up with Pacey and it’s the worst outfit he could possibly be wearing, because everyone’s at some kind of goth-type Halloween party? I don’t even know. But this breakup iss like when Snooki got kicked off Dancing with the Stars in her zombie costume or Candice on Big Brother voted out of the house as a clown. I used to write reality TV stories for a living.

Lawd the end credits looked like it was designed by RL Stine.

Episode 7

Do the producers exclusively have the rights to One Way or Another? Because that’s all they sing on this show. And might I add, Audrey is killing it. And by killing it I mean lit’rally killing the song because she is wasted out of her mind.

The song used at the end of this epuside is Orange Sky by Alexi Murdoch, which I fell in loved with seven years later when it was featured on the soundtrack to one of my faovrite movies to watch on a rainy day, Away We Go. It was a weird crossover of media in my head upon hearing that song. (And apparently on The OC too?)

Episode 8

This episode is called Spiderwebs and is essentially a giant ad for No Doubt. Remember their Jamaican dance hall album? I do because I was a junior in high school and highly influenced by TRL. It’s why I had the Lit, Limp Bizkit and P.O.D. albums next to my BSB ones.

WHOA Audrey slept w Jensen Ackles while she was still dating Pacey and Jen is really into him? Can they break up already?

People who can stay together (for the mean time): Joey and Kate Hudson’s brother. Who knew he was so hot??

Also this English chippie is unnecessary. I actually find it annoying that she’s British. This coming from a girl who works for a British based company.

Episode 9

Tag! Tag with bad hair!

Oh Joey. Deciding to sleep with whatshisname/Eddie/Oliver Hudson hours before your final exam. Of course you’re gonna be late.

Pacey invites British chippie (honestly don’t know her name) to his work party and ends up kissing her when they’re back home in their apartment but he’s clearly just going from girl to girl while waiting to get back with Joey. That’s what I’m hoping for, anyways.

Speaking of Joey, the fact Eddie/Oliver Hudson/Joey’s current object of her affection’s dad works at the Worcester Arena is a huge plus because he snuck them in to ice skate after she punched her teacher in the face.

Episode 10

The description of this episode. Like who writes these?

“An out-of-control Audrey brings Christmas dinner at the Leery house crashing down – literally”

Ah, it’s Christmas in Capeside. I feel like this should’ve been an annual thing, inside of those stupid Kevin Williamson-inspired Halloween episodes.

Pacey, still trying to get get his bro Doug out of the closet, is still has a hilarious dynamic with Dougie as ever

Doug: Pacey, is that you?

Pacey: Merry Christmas, Dougie.

Doug: Yeah, right back at ya. Now, if you wouldn’t mind, could you tell me what you did with my little brother?

Pacey: I murdered that punk and stuffed his body into a dumpster behind the red lobster in Centerville.

Doug: Yeah, good to know. Well, you look, uh…

Pacey: Hip, handsome, hetero?

Doug: I was gonna slick, sleazy, and smarmy, but sure.

Pacey: Ok. Your sexuality, on the other hand, is just as dubious as ever. Good to see that some things never change, Doug.

I forgot to mention Joey’s dad got out of prison but failed to tell his family. But she found him and now he’s back with them for Christmas? Forgive and forget?

Also, this Natasha chick is still here. And in Capeside. Get out of here. At least British chippie didn’t follow everyone else to the Cape.

So Audrey is on this downward spiral, mainly because of her breakup with Pacey, but partly because she’s an alcoholic. Natch, she gets drunk at the Leery dinner and she resorted to stealing pills from the medicine cabinet. And she is causing a SCENE at dinner  – moreso than director Todd who attempted to hit on Dawson’s mom whilst saying prayer before the dinner.

Oh LAWD Audrey is lettin it allll out on the table right now!

Busy Phillips: A+. Audrey: get a fucking grip. She stole Pacey;s car and drove it into the house. Really I think the Leerys have had enough to deal with in the past years with accidents involving cars and ice cream.

This is the first episode in like 2 seasons that was actually some semblance of good.

Notable Quotes:

True facts from drunk Audrey:

Audrey: Hey! Where’s Tony and Maria?

Mr. Potter: Out on the porch.

Audrey: Ohh. Ditched for the boyfriend yet again.

Mr. Potter: What do we know about this guy, Audrey?

Audrey: Hmm. Chip on his shoulder, blue on his collar. I don’t know. Joey seems to like him.

Mr. Potter: Is it serious?

Audrey: Oh, well, like a heart attack, because you see, Eddie seems to be able to incorporate all the best elements of Pacey and Dawson, so it’s like the t-1000 of love interests.

Episode 11

This girl who’s professor’s daughter is supposed to be 15- aka the age the kids were in season 1, yet looks NOTHING like KT Holmes when they started the show.

These movie execs just gave Dawson the job of directing the movie reshoots. Now, I’m not in the industry, but I’m pretty sure they don’t just offer directors assistants/kids not even out of college an entire movie.

Jack Osbourne makes another appearance playing himself and he’s actually not that bad? Color me surprised.

Just when I thought Joey had gotten over her odd fashion choices she wears a velour bucket hat. I know it’s 2003 but like, that wasn’t in style anymore, right? Well it should’ve been.

ALERT: THE HAWAIIAN SHIRT IS BACK Y’ALL

Notable Quotes:

Pacey: Because that’s a part of growing up. Let me tell you, Pacey at 15 was a bit of a schmuck– bad haircut, bad Hawaiian shirts, broke all the time. Dumb enough to be chasing after things he knew he was never going to get, anyway.

Episode 12

What is Jen’s hair. And those bangs – are those even bangs good lord.

Audrey kissed and made up with everyone including her bandmates. Two things about British chippie: she’s old. And I was just thinking how completely unnecessary she is to this show. Whereas Gretchen was integral to advance multiple characters, this chick has no purpose.

Joey has taken up mentoring her professor’s daughter – a professor who is not Ken Marino. And why are they bringing in a new character halfway through the last season!?

Remember land lines in dorm rooms? No you don’t, children born after 1990.

Jo and Eddie are exchanging “I love yous” already? And if they really were from Massachusetts it would be ‘yous’. Too soon, guys. Toon soon.

Uh oh Audrey’s passed out in her bed. This is not a good sign. Intervention, anyone?

Episode 13

Audrey’s alive. And she’s heading to rehab. Except she’s not. Joey finds Audrey in Seth Rogen’s apartment taking a bath and think she’s dead and it’s hilar.

CLIFTON SMALLS IS JEWISH AND WANTS GRAMS TO CONVERT BAHAHAHAHA

There is a montage of their road trip and there’s a weird handheld camera going on it’s distracting.

Seth straight up stole Eddie’s car while it was attached to the gas pump. Look at your life. Look at your choices.

Oh god Joey and Eddie are breaking up and as they kiss and say goodbye the music playing in the background has the lyrics: “I only want the best for you my love” Get out.

Notable Quotes:

Bill: All right, lady, what’s your problem?

Grams: Excuse me?

Bill: Well, you’re a real downer. I mean, you’re sitting here, staring into your soup, and every once in a while, you mumble some derisive comment, when you should be going to see your doctor.

Grams: What are you talking about? Why should I go see my doctor?

Bill: So he can remove that polar icecap you got wedged up your butt.

Episode 14

So like at the end of the series, were the producers just like, ‘let’s make money any way we can/that includes setting a scene in Best Buy and promoting Bad Boys 2 on a big screen TV?

British chippie is engaged to a Deadbeat approx 2 eps after she was about to have a thing with Pacey. I hope this mean she leaves the show to run away with this low life.

Pacey/Jack/British chippie are having a party at their apartment and Pace encourages Jo to drink and let go for once in her life since she’s safe at his apartment *swoon*. So drunk Joey pinches Pacey’s cheeks and I CANNOT.

THERE ARE A LOT OF PACEY/JOEY SCENES AND THE FEELS ARE COMING BACK DESPITE THE GOATEE STILL GLARING INTO MY SOUL.

Dawson goes to visit Audrey in rehab and they have some super tender bonding moments and I hope they have more scenes together because they’re presh.

Oh dear lord they are NOT playing spin the bottle right now. And they are NOT putting it in a montage. Who keeps writing these in?! This particular one looks like the opening credits to a sitcom.

The inevitable happened and Pacey’s spin landed on Joey. But of course they get interrupted because Deadbeat somehow ended up on top of the giant TV and broke it. This would be a good time to head back to Best Buy for another product placement scene.

Jen just had sex in either Pacey/Jack/British chippie’s bed. I will never understand how people can just have sex at a party in someone else’s bed. Rude. And disgusting. And inappropriate.

…Well… Jack is offering to marry British chippie so she can stay in America. Come on. This can’t be happening.

Pacey Witter: still a dream man. He takes drunk Joey up to his room to tuck her in, confesses what Audrey said was true about not being over her back during her meltdown at a Capeside Christmas, he gives her the long awaited kiss and leaves. STOP BEING PERFECT BYE

Notable Quotes:

Drunk Joey: She killed a girl once.

CJ: What?

Drunk Joey: Abby Morgan. Killed her with champagne. You want some?

Episode 15

Aside: I have gone the entire 6 season series without watching the real opening credits with Paula Cole’s I Don’t Wanna Wait and I think I will wait until the end as to not ruin this experience for myself.

Pacey has to make a pit stop at K MART to buy condoms for the “no strings attached” sex he’s having with a blonde chick he just met at some fancy dinner where he took Joey as his date, but told this girl that Joey’s his sister. Let’s hope Joey doesn’t find out.

I would also like to point out that Katie Holmes’ acting has gotten sooo much better since season 1. Those acting lessons (I’m assuming she’s taken over the course of 6 years) have paid off. It’s not just an awkward side smile anymore!

Pacey to Joey on the homework she has due the next day: “You’re paying $35,000 to read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas?” Sounds like Emerson. I paid more than that to write a final paper on the stereotypes of cast members in The Real World. Oh also a paper about The OC.

Ohhhh shit. It’s the conversation we’ve been waiting for since these two fools broke up. They can’t talk about sex. Specifically them having sex with other people. In all fairness, both of them have really good points. Pacey’s upset Joey never really got depressed like she did with Dawson when they broke up and Joey’s annoyed that Pacey won’t let all of this go (hint: it’s because he’s not over you, you crazy person).

Joey has taken out all the books from one of those discount bins and I seriously thought she was going to reorganize it. At least that’s what my OCD brain thought.

THERE IS A WALL OF PACEYS ON THE TVS I CANNOT. HE GOT HER PAJAMAS.

OMG I AM DYING. THIS IS LITERALLY THE MOST I HAVE LAUGHED AT THIS SHOW. PACEY SAID HE OWED HER ONE FAVOR AND SHE BROUGHT HIM TO THE AISLE WITH THE RAZORS. DEAD. BYE GOATEE. BYEEEEEEE.

Pacey compared his goatee to a sports beard and his winning streak. I mean, nice try. SHE JUST WANTS TO SEE HIS FACE Y’ALL.

They are making shaving someone else seem entirely sexual and that’s a lot coming from someone who hates blood and the possibility of blood. But let’s be real, I’m so into this.

{Joey grabs two cans of shaving cream from the table}

Joey: Regular… or menthol?

Pacey: Are we smoking, or are we shaving?

Joey: Pacey Witter– friend to women. I think it’s better to go with sensitive skin.

Pacey kisses Joey after they get super close whilst she shaves off his goatee. She makes him express his feelings. They set up camp – lit’rally – and Joey’s all ‘I need time to think about you telling me you basically have never stopped loving me and always want to kiss me, but I’m gonna get into this sleeping bag and kiss you anyways and fall asleep together because when we were on that boat it was my dream that we’d be castaways on some deserted island because SHE OBVIOUSLY STILL LOVES HIM TOO

Everything that is happening in this episode is perfect.

Real talk: Is it weird that I retroactively have a massive crush on Joshua Jackson now?!??!?

Notable Quotes:

Pacey: So what is the secret to our long-lasting and angst-free friendship? What is the one thing that keeps it going year after year after year after year?

Joey: We suck at meeting new people.

Episode 16

Wait. Pacey’s apartment is directly across from the bar Joey works at? Totally missed that. Something I’m not missing: him creeping and looking longingly towards the bar thinking about one Josephine Potter.

I HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO A GIGGLING OH MY GOD JAPANESE GIRL WHEN THESE TWO ARE TOGETHER GET A FUCKING GRIP (that was directed towards myself. Like, really.)

OLIVER TRASK AS A BABY. I REPEAT CRAZY OLIVER TRASK FROM THE OC AS A BABY! He’s dating Joey’s professor’s teen daughter that Jo has taken to “babysitting”. Be careful Harley – he turns out to be a gun-wielding psycho in a couple years.

Pacey’s dad has something called an exaggerated arrhythmia and Pacey rushes back home to Capeside to be with his dad at the hospital. Meanwhile, Dawson is also back in Capeside talking to a film class back at Capeside High. Full circle moment for Dawson. And also for Pacey and Dawson, since Pacey goes to Dawson’s house to check on his mom – without knowing Dawson’s home too – and the BFFs are back together again.

Notable Quotes:

Joey leaving Pacey a voicemail: I’m not gonna look at you and think of what happened. I’m gonna look at you and think of what could.

Harley: Ugh! I hate you so much right now. I hate you with the burning passion of a thousand STDs.

Episode 17

There was a mystery girl Pacey almost hooked up with at his work party, and she shows up again, only for him to discover she is a reporter. But also IRL, she was recently on Chicago Fire and looks completely different. WTF.

Well, Grams is serving as a mediator to CJ (Jensen Ackles) and Jen regarding their sex life, and as you can imagine, it’s totally an awkward teepee.

Dawson’s back in LA realizing that making a movie in Hollywood is difficult, especially if you want to make a movie about innocent teenagers who don’t have sex. He tries to backtrack on a pitch he made to this movie exec, and eventually ends up standing up for himself and decides to not make a movie that is all about sex and not what he envisioned in the first place.

Dawson: I came in here the other day because I wanted to tell a story about… something small, something personal, something I’ve been… tryin’ to figure out for quite some time. I wanted to write about growing up… and why it’s so hard. And… I wanted to write about falling in love and why it can’t last, but at the same time, how it lasts forever. And somehow, that got twisted into a story about a stripper. I–I guess what I’m tryin’ to say is, I can’t do this. I appreciate the–the offer and the confidence… but… I just wouldn’t feel right taking your money.

Episode 18

Eddie came back because he is still in love with Joey and is a successful writer in LA – and he says he needs her for inspiration? What a lame excuse. Luckily she tells him she’s moved on so peace out Oliver. Make room for Pace.

Does CJ just live with Jen now? And grams broke up with Clifton then started dating CJ’s cranky old uncle? Where is Jack? Is he seriously married to the British chippie? The whole Pacey/Joey thing has made me so distracted from any other storyline happening on this show.

Joey agrees to be a chaperone at Harley’s school dance, and Pacey subsequently agrees to be her date. He even gives her a corsage with carrots and a radish? They make those? I find this incredibly hilarious and a good way to make up for their senior prom when he gave her dried out flowers.

GRAMS HAS BREAST CANCER. MY EMOTIONS.

And now joeys “breaking it off” with Pacey because Eddie, came back even though Pace just poured his heart out to her. Ughhh but, being the dream man that he is, has put aside his romantic feelings and came back to dance with her and walk away one last time booooooo

Joey goes back to Eddie. Okay really, did she love him this much? It seemed like a really fast and non-passionate relationship? Again – I’m incensed with Pacey blinders on, so her love for Eddie is totally possible.

Notable Quotes:

Pacey: Dawson! Hi! Welcome to the dream machine, my friend. Can you smell the money growing?

Dawson: Uh, if it smells like Drakar Noir, then yeah, big time.

Episode 19

I forgot someone told me Katie Holmes mentions Tom Cruise at some point during the series, but I have yet to see the scene slash there are only 6 episodes left so it’s probably happened already and I was too busy not paying attention to Tom and put all my focus on Pacey.

Hey Joshua Jackson directed this episode. Didn’t know he did that.

Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew are like the center of this Loveline-themed episode and Dr. Drew is actually an effortless actor?… Except this is probably one of the worst episodes of the entire series. I’ve checked out.

Episode 20

Pacey just reminded us he is 20 years old and working as a successful stock broker. When I was 20 I was getting lost in Europe and losing all my money, so really, Pacey, high school graduate, is livin the life.

Speaking of Europe – Eddie has convinced Joey to spend their summer in Europe. WILL SHE GO OR WILL SHE STAY?

This convo between Jo and Eddie: real talk.

Eddie: I’m not asking you to throw your life off course, Joey. I’m talking about a summer here. All I’m asking is that you take a leap. Come away with me.

Joey: Oh, like Saul Bellow or on the road? Eddie, those are just stories–poems. Little pieces of unreality that we’re not meant to base our lives on. Eventually we always have to come back and deal with the real world.

Eddie: So what? What are you gonna do? You just wanna sit here for your entire life waiting and hoping for the world to come to you? Because the point of those stories, Joey, is that people’s lives– their real lives– only begin when they step out into the world. And when you do that, when you meet it head on, maybe you change the world, maybe you don’t, but the point is, is that it changes you. And that is what people mean when they talk about growing up.

Joey: So what? If I want to be with you, I’m supposed to just throw all of my previous life experience out the window? I’m supposed to just stop being who I am?

Eddie: Who you are, Joey, is not some scared little girl who’s afraid to take a chances on anything, who’s afraid to really love someone because of the risk or the pain. That does not define you as a person. Or maybe it does, you know? Maybe–maybe I’m crazy. Maybe you’ve just blinded me.

Wait this bitch Pacey’s been sleeping with has a fiance?! WTF he seems really fine with it too? Come on you’re better than this, Pace.

Oh no. The company Dawson (and Pacey) put (all, in Dawson’s case) their money in went under. Pacey got into a physical fight with his boss because he told him this investment was a sure thing, subsequently got fired, only has $300 to his name and now has to tell his BFF that he has no money at all to make his movie. This is horrible. Just when they were getting on so swimmingly! And only 4 episodes left!!!!

Notable Quotes: 

Rich: Ooh, ah, hey… that date with Sadia last night– did you close the deal?

Pacey: Why don’t you just ask those guys in there?

Rich: Oh, that does it, Witter. I used to be mildly impressed. Now I am in awe. Nicely done my friend. Nicely done.

Pacey: You know, that’s just what she said. (FIRST THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID ON TV??!)

Episode 21

Mimi Rogers as Jen’s mother!? Okay let’s get out of Boston/Capeside for a second. Mimi Rodgers was Tom Cruise’s first wife… and was 10 years older than him… and well, you know the rest about Katie Holmes.

Okay Jack Osbourne has gotten so much screen time I had no idea he was even on this show.

Apparently CJ’s Uncle Bill ‘loves” Grams? this the 2nd episode he’s been in. Tone it down, buckaroo.

OMG Joey going up Dawson’s ladder is legit giving me the feels. I am tearing up. Glad I can go back to reality once I’m done watching this because I’ve lost all sense of it.

Oh lawd Pacey finally told Dawson about the money and Joey is there too and I legit feel like I’m going to vomit up the salad I just ate. It’s so sad that they keep up this viscous Circle of being BFF then not then BFF then not. And Joey is lit’rally in the middle of it.

Grams CUDDLING UP TO JACK TO CONVINCE HIM TO GO TO NY IS THE MOST PRESH

Important question: is Busy Phillips actually singing? Because she’s actually really good! (Answer: yes, per this recent video of her singing a song from The Last Five Years at a cabaret)

Notable Quotes:

Joey: That’s the thing about ghosts they say that they don’t leave until they’re at peace with what they’ve left undone.

Jen’s mom: Well, you and jack are both so attractive, and I don’t know what the gays look like these days.

Episode 22

Joey’s doing a weird voice over thing and suddenly it’s like Veronica Mars sans noir right now. Pacey and Jack move out of their apartment which leads me to wonder : where is British chippie because the last time we saw her, Jack was legit thinking of marrying her so she could stay in America?? She has legitimately not shown up since. BYE GURL.

Remember when Joey decided to start wearing makeup when she went to college? Yeah she’s back in Capeside and back to her old Joey ways sans makeup or any sense of style. Is this symbolic or just lack of continuity? I guess this episode is called “Joey Potter and the Capeside Redemption”, so we should expect this? Or for her to start a rock band. Either one.

Oh God. Pacey, you’re in shambles after losing your job and your best friend. There are crumbs stuck in your face. You actually called soap operas your “stories”. He’s also back in his Hawaiian shirt. This can’t be bueno.

So basically, Joey’s Capeside Redemption is her getting everyone in town to pitch in and help Dawson make the movie he was supposed to make with the money Pacey lost, including recruiting their friends to play the real life people from their past. It’s all very meta. Joey assigns Audrey the role of Miss Jacobs, but Jen suggests she play Eve, remember that pixie-haired chick from season 3?

Audrey: Wait a second. Let me get this straight. You want me to play the slutty teacher that–that robbed Pacey of his delicate flower?

Joey: Do you have a problem with that?

Jen: You could play Eve.

Joey: Sadly, Eve didn’t make the cut.

Jen: Aw, that’s a shame.

Audrey: Who the hell is Eve?

Jack: Eh, long story. Ambiguous ending.

Literally getting dizzy from this shot spinning around Jack, Grams and Jen while everyone says goodbye to them. And it’s so poetic that they’re leaving in a cab just like Jen rolled in. It would’ve been better if they got the same cab from s1. It’s probs illegal to drive in it by now.

Audrey and douche director Todd hook up. Yes. That makes sense. Not even being sarcastic

Joey: Me, too. So how would you describe your movie? If somebody asked you, what would you say?

Dawson: I would say… it’s about a girl who wanted more than what she had… who had to grow up to realize that she already had everything she ever could’ve wanted.

YES. BECAUSE THIS ISN’T DAWSON’S CREEK IT’S FUCKING JOEY’S CREEK.

Finally, some closure between Pacey and Dawson, whom Joey sneakily sets up thinking they’re each meeting her but they’re really there so they can kiss and make up.

Pacey: We can’t go back to the way things used to be, and there’s nothing we can do about that ’cause the guys that we are now are worlds apart from the guys that we were back then. The only tie that really binds us together is the fact that we still love the same woman.

Dawson: It always comes back to that, doesn’t it?

Pacey: Yes, it does. Yes, it does, and you know what? I don’t really regret a single second that I spent with her, and I’m guessing you don’t either. In fact, I really consider us pretty lucky… that a woman like that would give either one of us the time of day.

Dawson: You know, it makes sense.

Pacey: What does?

Dawson: Why it never worked out for either one of us. All we wanted was her. So much so that we destroyed our friendship… and in the end, all she ever wanted was for us to be friends again.

Pacey: Ok, I’m gonna ask you this once, and then I promise you I’ll never ask it again. Is it possible?

Dawson: For us to be friends again? Anything’s possible.

Ugh there’s a song playing in the background and the actual lyrics include the words “butterfly girl”.

In the end, Joey goes to Paris by herself and ends up in front of a green screen Eiffel Tower. However there are still two more episodes left. WILL JOEY POTTER COME BACK TO CAPESIDE/AMURRICA?!

Episode 23

Literally had to say, ‘okay let’s do this’ outloud in order to psych myself up to watch the final two episodes. I always do this – speed towards the end then stop because I don’t actually want it to end. It’s a CATCH 22 (which was the name of episode 20).

Another random celebrity cameo and it’s Jeremy Sisto. And my first thought was, ‘Oh from Six Feet Under!’ I think I actually might have time travelled back to 2003 for a brief moment.

Meta Dawson (10 years in the future, since that’s when this takes place?) is the executive producer on a Dawson’s Creek like show called The Creek – which is what I’m convinced this show should’ve been called because it’s not about Dawson, for the 100th time.

OMG I DON’T WANNA WAIT IS USED FOR THE FIRST TIME AND I ACTUALLY SAID ‘OMG’ OUT LOUD. THEY COULD FINALLY PAY FOR THE ROYALTIES FOR THE FINAL TWO EPISODES THIS IS A CAPESIDE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE wait it’s actually kinda weird bc I was anticipating Hearts and Arrows :\

Wait can Sheriff Doug and Jack get together???

OKAY FOR THE RECORD I WROTE THAT BEFORE THIS KISS HAPPENED. I LOVE THIS EP ALREADY WE’RE ONLY 7 minutes in and I keep pausing bc I CANNOT

Oh Pacey. Having an affair with an older woman in the office of his restaurant AKA THE ICE HOUSE BECAUSE PACEY REOPENED THE BUSINESS JOEY’S FAM USED TO OWN.

Going back to his teacher/student ways. And Jack is a teacher at CHS who’s teaching his class about poetry – THE SAME TYPE OF POETRY THAT GOT HIM/PACEY INTO TROUBLE S2 I LOVE FULL CIRCLE MOMENTS SO MUCH.

Everyone’s back in town because Gail is getting married again. But who is this random that she’s marrying? He doesn’t even have a name! And why is Alexander not aged in 10 years, but Dawson’s little sister is so big and presh?

JEN HAS A BABY OH NOOOOO Her boyfriend apparently knocked her up and left. What a piece of garbage (him, not her, obvs).

For old time’s sake, Joey climbs up the ladder to Dawson’s bedroom and Dawson picks up his computer in order to attack the ‘attacker’. Never a manly man this one.

Welp. Pacey is getting beat up by grown ass man for sleeping with his wife. That’s what you get folks, for making whoopee.

JOEY AND DAWSON ARE SITTING IN HIS CHILDHOOD BED LISTENING TO EDWIN MCCAIN HAHAHAA

There’s a dream wedding sequence that throws me for a loop because it’s between Dawson and Joey, and their vows sound like this:

Joey: We’ve been through so much, Dawson. So many good times and bad. When I loved you, you loved Jen. And when you loved me, I needed to be on my own. So I left you for Jack, and then he realized he was gay.

Dawson: And then I convinced you to turn your dad in for trafficking cocaine, and…you said you’d never speak to me again.

Joey: But I did. I offered myself to you at that party after you crashed your dad’s boat.

Dawson: And I refused… for some reason. And so you fell for Pacey.

Joey: And years passed… until finally here we are… saying, “I do.” The way it should be… the only way it can be for star-crossed, ill-fated soul mates. So, I do.

Dawson: I do, too.

HONESTLY THIS SHOW WAS SO RIDICULOUS. But those Dawson Joey shippers must have loved this scene, which actually turned out to be a fake scene the characters were filming for The Creek.

The older woman Pacey’s been sleeping with, played by Virginia Madsen, eyes Pacey enjoying himself  at the wedding reception, and Pacey, battered and bruised since her husband beat her up, tells Joey to play along and dance with him but Virginia Madsen is all giving him the evil eye. Like, calm da fuck down. To pile it on, Pace even kisses Joey to make her jealous. Well, it worked.

Ahhhh Jen collapsed at the wedding. This is bad (I know what happens which might actually be worse. This is why I don’t like spoilers.) Turns out Jen has been battling this heart problem for a while but decided not to tell anyone.

JEN AND JACK – DID I SAY I MIGHT SHIP THEM THE MOST? Or at least almost as much as Pacey and Joey? Ugh seeing them go through this is heartbreaking. No pun intended. Jack, rightfully so, wants to know why Jen, his bestest friend in the entire world, didn’t tell him about her health problems, but all she wants to do is not talk about it and talk about possible love interests for him, but even Jack isn’t up to engage in what he calls “patented, meaningless, good-humored Jack-Jen fag-hag banter”. Gonna miss these two.

Okay, in my whole ‘procrastinating/not wanting to see the finale shenans’ I watched the episode of Don’t Trust the B- where James Van Der Beek attempts to get a Dawson’s Creek reunion episode and the only person who shows up is Busy Phillips. If you’ve gotten this far in my ramblings, you should watch it – it’s on Netflix!

Notable Quotes:

Joey: Get over it. What is the big deal? So I like a teen soap. So what?

Christopher: The way it possesses you is what frightens me, honestly. Every Wednesday at 8:00, you enter this supernatural portal of teen angst.

Joey: I have an emotional connection to it you wouldn’t understand.

Christopher: Will Sam and Colby ever get together? Will Sam choose Petey? Will Sam choose Colby? Find out next week as we continue to beat a dead dog all the way into syndication!

***

Gale: Ah! You’re here! Yay! Oh, look at you. You get handsome every time I see you.

Dawson: Mom, I look terrible. I’ve aged 10 years in the past 9 months.

***

{Pacey’s driving with Joey & Dawson to the hospital after Jen collapses}

Joey: I’m worried. This isn’t good.

Dawson: She’s gonna be fine. Right? I mean, we don’t know anything. Let’s not jump to conclusions.

Pacey: Yeah. And she’s young. She’s healthy.

Dawson: Best thing we can do is just be ourselves– carry on in our typical, usual, distracting…

Pacey: Sordid love triangle ways.

Dawson: Leave it up to you to say the most inappropriate thing possible.

Pacey: Aw, I’m always dependable, my friend.

Joey: So very not funny. {her cell phone rings} Hi, Christopher.

Dawson: And the triangle becomes a square.

Pacey: Well put.

***

Jack: Hey, what’s up with Audrey, anyway? Anybody talk to her lately?

Joey: Audrey’s singing backup for John Mayer. She’s touring Europe, and she’s got some boyfriend she calls the anti-Pacey. He’s totally boring and… really sweet or something.

Pacey: And “really sweet,” as opposed to the actual Pacey? And that from my ex-girlfriend, no less.

Joey: Pacey…thank you so much for reopening this place. I did not know how much I missed it.

Pacey: Maybe if your daddy hadn’t burned it down in the first place, it’d still be yours

Joey: Ohh, nice, Pacey. Nice.

Dawson: I couldn’t write this stuff if I tried.

Joey: How long has it been?

Pacey: Not long enough, apparently.

Jen: Oh Dawson… remember when I de-virginized you?

Pacey: What?!

Episode 24

Alright guys. Here we are. Last episode. Like, forever. I’m not emotionally prepared for this, but then again, are you really ever prepared when it comes to series finales?

Again I know what happens to Jen, but how did you people deal with not knowing if she’s going to die or not?? I mean it’s like, as a TV fan you want to believe they won’t kill off a main character because how could they? Even if it is the series finale and all.

It’s really unfortunate that Joshua Jackson has to have stitches and a black eye for the finale.

I really shouldn’t be allowed to watch shows like this because this food fight scene with Pacey and Joey is making me squeal. Literally squeal like a teenager in the nosebleeds seats at a One Direction concert.

Jen has some one on one girl time with Joey and she tells her that her dying wish is for her to stop running (aka stop running from Pacey). JEN IS SO WISE BEYOND HER YEARS THIS ISN’T FAIR.

Jen asks Dawson to videotape her leaving a final life lesson video for her daughter. I’M NOT CRYING YOURE CRYING.

Annddd Pacey is showing Jen B-roll of the footage they shot for the season one opening credits. Is this meta or am I making it meta?And I just realized Jen’s parents aren’t here. I mean they probably couldn’t fit them into the budget but still.

Just remembered that Meredith Monroe shot a scene that got cut and she looks amazing. And is a doctor in Boston?? The video below includes her cut scenes, but also the scenes where Jack calls Jen his soulmate (STOPPP) and Grams says her final goodbye by saying, “See you soon, child. Soon” (NOOOOO)

Jack and Dougie, finally out and proud, are so friggin tender I cannot. AND Jack basically adopts his goddaughter (Amy) once Jen passes away and they have an adorable little family!!!!

More full circle moments as Dawson and Joey have a heart to heart discussion at his house. Really, the will they or won’t they is right up until the end, isn’t it?

Look, as much as I ship Pacey and Joey, Dawson has in this final talk with Joey in that they’ll always have each other as soulmates and be together forever in this place beyond friends and lovers. Sometimes your soulmate isn’t necessarily who you’re meant to live your romantic life with. Which is perfect because Joey fulfills Jen’s dying wish and tells Pacey she wants to stop running, and essentially be with him. Pacey apparently leaves his restaurant behind and moves to NYC to be with Joey in her swanky apartment, which Jeremy Sisto has since vacated. The reveal is nail-biting as they don’t show Pacey as the guy Joey’s with til the very end. And he’s crying. Oh sensitive Pacey Witter I will miss you.

OMG fake Joey on The Creek just used the ‘I don’t wanna wait’ line! Just when you think it’s getting good.

Notable Quotes:

Dawson: She’s dying. Jo, she’s gonna die, and all I can think about is some frickin’ ending to some stupid TV show. I keep thinking there’s gonna be time for the rest of it, but it–it–it runs out.

Joey: Yes, it does.

Dawson: Nothing in my life feels real anymore. I’ve lost touch with my family, my friends, you… and you and me together is the only thing that ever made sense to me, and I forgot that… until I saw you, and then it came back, what we were, and we’re not even together.

Joey: Do you not watch the Creek? We’re together every Wednesday at 8:00. Dawson, you wrote a show about us.

Dawson: And that’s the problem. I’ve turned my entire life into fiction. It’s not even real life that I’m living anymore.

Joey: It is real, in the best way possible. Dawson, do you know how lucky you are? You’re a writer. You get to live life twice. Who else can do that?

***

Guys, it’s over. It’s been a great six months getting to watch this iconic piece of American teen drama from the beginning for the very first time. In the end, I’m glad I watched it, and it was definitely worth spending almost 90 hours of my life dedicated to the gang from Capeside. I can see why it’s considered one of the best examples of this genre, and despite the fact that there are undoubtedly problems riddled throughout the series, at its core, it is a fairly accurate portrayal (somewhat exaggerated at times) of life as a teenager. I mean, it’s no John Hughes, but it’s definitely a program that will go down in teen TV drama history.

ALSO: PACEY-CON GUYS. PACEY-CON.

Educational Shows That Should Get Kickstarted

Last week, one of our Man Crush Monday honorees, LeVar Burton, launched a Kickstarter campaign to bring beloved program Reading Rainbow to classrooms for free and to more platforms than just iPads/tablets, helping kids learn to read and build a love for books. In about 10 hours, the initial goal of $2 million was reached, and almost $3.5 MILLION  has been donated since it launched less than a week ago – and it doesn’t even end until July 2nd.

When Veronica Mars made history last year by raising $2 million in about 10 hours as well, we thought shows like Gilmore Girls and Buffy would be prime candidates for a Kickstarter campaign. Now with Reading Rainbow making strides, I thought about the other educational shows from our childhood that could possibly make a comeback and return to help a whole other generation of kids too. Here are some of my picks, do you have any that you don’t see on the list?

Wishbone

{Ran from 1995 to 1998}

Kids love a talking animal, so when Jack Russell Terrier Wishbone is a sharp-talking pooch, it’s easy to forget that he’s retelling stories from classic literature. Wishbone takes on the role of the titular character in each story as he plays it out in his daydream, while his owner Joe faces some kind of similar situation IRL. If a crowdfunding campaign was launched for the show, maybe the show could just get a revamp and come back to TV. Is there even a show like this on right now? I’ve lost touch with my children’s programming.

Magic School Bus

{Ran from 1994 to 1997}

So this ‘Inside Ralphie’ episode is, for some reason, the most prominent one stuck in my head, even after all these years. Like, Ms. Frizzle just straight up took the class & their Magic School Bus into his body to figure out why he’s sick. Teacher of the year, y’all. Anyways, I feel like Magic School Bus would be a great app for kids, especially with an episode in this vein (pun intended), where it takes them on a journey into the body.

Bill Nye the Science Guy

{Ran from 1993 to 1998}

It depresses me that there are probably kids out there who only know Bill Nye from his time on Dancing with the Stars. Who do kids have to look up to in the media now if they want to be scientists? Bill Nye focused on a certain subject in science each episode, and if he successfully funded a Kickstarter campaign, he should bring his science show to schools all over the world, making it one of those interactive assemblies where the students get out of class but are really just going into another one.

Mr. Wizard’s World

{Ran from 1983 to 1990}

Please tell me I’m not the only one who remembers this show? I feel like it was part of my morning TV programming, in addition to Saved by the Bell (gotta balance it out). Mr. Wizard’s real name was Don Herbert, and he invited kids to his ‘house’ to show them science experiments and it’s definitely not as creepy as it sounds. Apparently Don died in 2007, but if there’s a Mr. Wizard Jr. out there, a Kickstarter campaign would be a perfect way to maybe fund a web series – or perhaps just find a new Mr. Wizard.

Ghostwriter

{Ran from 1992 to 1995}

Confession: I pretended that Ghostwriter was real and used to write messages to him/her in my composition notebook. Alas, Ghostwriter never came.  Maybe it’s because I didn’t have a circle of friends who needed to solve mysteries that the real police couldn’t solve. The whole point of the show was to help kids improve their reading and writing skills, and how awesome would this be as an app? Let’s be real – I would totally download it for myself.*

Name Your Adventure

{Ran from 1992 to 1995}

If you watched TNBC on Saturday mornings like I did, you remember this show, which made kids’ dreams come true. I thought Name Your Adventure was like THE show to be on, since you could literally name your adventure, and it would come to fruition. Kids were able to meet the likes of President Bill Clinton, Tori Amos, and in the video above, the late Jonathan Brandis who starred in the show SeaQuest. The girl wanted to become a director or movie something or other, so host Mario Lopez took her to set and let her hang out. How cool is that? This series showed me that anything is possible and there are so many jobs and things to accomplish out in the world, so I can only imagine what this could provide for kids who only know the life inside their little bubbles. Again, with a crowdfunded campaign, a web series would be perfect for this, and maybe Mario Lopez would even come back to host it.

* HOLY CRAP GUYS – APPARENTLY GHOSTWRITER WAS INTENDED TO BE THE GHOST OF A RUNAWAY SLAVE FROM THE CIVIL WAR HELLO

 

2014 Unofficial Guide to Your New TV Addictions

May is a big month for television. In addition to all the season finales and unfortunate cancellations (TROPHY WIFE UGHHH), networks also reveal the pilots that have been picked up to series for the upcoming season. Every year, there are trailers that make you think ‘Why da faq did they pick this show up’ but then there’s always the ‘I need this show to come on now because watching the 3 minute preview isn’t enough’. To help you weed through the bramble, I’ve compiled a list of shows I think actually have a shot of making it at least one season. Are any of these your early favorites too?

The Comedies

A to Z

Thursdays, 9:30pm • NBC

If you’re a Mad Men fan, you might recognize the lead male as cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs Michael Ginsberg. If you’re a Mindy Project fan, you might remember him as the pretentious guy Mindy dated who adorably played the ukelele and sang a Katy Perry song. And if you’re a How I Met Your Mother fan, you might recognize the lead female as Tracy ‘I’m Not a Plot Device’ McConnell.

I’m going to be honest with you guys and tell you that I have probably watched this trailer at least 8 times already, which is probably 7 times too many. While Ben Feldman and Cristin Milioti aren’t necessarily big actor names like some of the other shows that got picked up for next season, I hope people still decide to watch it, because it looks super cute… and maybe a little HIMYM-esque? Whatevs, I’m into it.

Bad Judge

Thursdays, 9:00pm • NBC

The great Kate Walsh returns to network TV! Addison Montgomery has switched occupations and is now a judge. A ‘Bad Judge’ if you will. I didn’t really expect much before watching this, but I was delightfully surprised when I literally LOLed a couple times. It’s reminiscent of Bad Teacher, both the Cameron Diaz movie and the TV show which was recently cancelled after just a few episodes (side rant: I only saw the pilot, but it was hilarious. Come ON CBS).

Black-ish

Wednesdays, 9:30pm • ABC

Like Bad Judge, I wasn’t really expecting much, but again I was delightfully surprised. I’m just gonna go ahead and say this about Anthony Anderson: he doesn’t have the greatest track record with his own starring shows. But this show is different from his previous ones, and I think Laurence Fishburne has a lot to do with it. His presence makes you take the show seriously. And ABC did a great job at pairing it after Modern Family, because it has that same sort of tone to it. A sitcom with heart. What’s it about, you ask? Family.

The McCarthys

Thursdays, 9:30pm • CBS

I might be a little biased because I used to live in Boston, but I’m always partial to shows that are set in that great city. Admittedly, not all of those shows are good, but this one has potential. The show is centers on a typical Boston family and the gay son who never really fit in. It’s important to note that Joey McIntyre, Boston’s pride and joy, is also in this show, so that gives you a reason to watch, if you’re into like, NKOTB or the 80s. Also worth noting that this show is super CBS. It’s multicam, shot in front of a live audience, includes corny jokes that your mom laughs at because she also watches Two and a Half Men still, type show.

Tribeca

This is a cop show starring Rashida Jones and created and executive produced by Steve Carell, his wife Nancy, and Conan O’Brien. That is all.

Honorable Mentions

Marry Me: Starring Casey Wilson & Ken Marino, created by a producer of Happy Endings (also Casey’s fiance IRL)

I really want this show to do well, because, RIP Happy Endings, but mehhh I hope the pilot is better than the trailer.

Mulaney : Starring John Mulaney, Martin Short, Nasim Pedrad

This show has taken a really long time to get off the ground, but SNL writer alum John Mulaney is really funny and I’m glad his show is finally getting air time. Except I also really don’t want it to be Seinfeld-esque.

Selfie: Starring John Cho & Karen Gillan

Horrible name and theme for an actually funny trailer. It’s a modern day My Fair Lady, except all the social media references make it outdated already. It’ll be interesting to see if viewers take to it or not.

Midseason Shows

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt {Ellie Kemper, produced by Tina Fey}, Mission Control {Krysten Ritter, produced by Will Ferrell}, Mr. Robinson {The Office’s Craig Robinson},  The Last Man on Earth{Will Forte}, Fresh Off the Boat {Asians}

The Dramas

How to Get Away with Murder

Thursdays, 10:00pm • ABC

Hey, Shondaland loyalists – this show is for you. To everyone else waiting outside the park, get in line, because Shonda Rhimes is LIT’RALLY taking over Thursday nights, and you need to be there or else be left out of watercooler (?) discussions on Friday. Viola Davis stars in this new drama that is on top of my list for new series this fall. And if you’re wondering how you know the tall, black kid – it’s because he played Dean Thomas in the Harry Potter movies. DEAN FRIGGIN THOMAS.

Gracepoint

Thursdays, 9:00pm • Fox

I’m not a Doctor Who fan, but I imagine that you Whovians are probably excited that David Tennant is going to be on American TV. Gracepoint is a crime drama based on U.K.’s Broadchurch, which David also starred in. In fact Broadchurch just won 3 TV BAFTAs including Best Drama on Sunday, which is basically the Emmys of the U.K. Another reason to get excited for this is that Anna Gunn, everyone’s favorite drug lord accomplice is back and on the other side of the coin as a detective, as they try to solve the murder of a young boy. Hopefully this turns out better than The Killing.

Gotham

Mondays, 8:00pm • Fox

The superhero world expands yet again, this time with the focus on Batman’s Gotham City, and more importantly on Comissioner Gordon played by Ryan Atwood Ben McKenzie.

Constantine

Fridays, 10:00pm • NBC

I’m not a big comic book person, but I just think this show’s going to do really well because everyone else seems to be into comic book stuff these days. Also I couldn’t get through the whole trailer because I got grossed out.

State of Affairs

Mondays, 10:00pm • NBC

The ever-polarizing Katherine Heigl is back on TV as a CIA analyst trying to find out who killed her fiance. Her fiance whose mom is the President of the United States of America. And also Alfre Woodard.

Honorable Mentions

Stalker: Maggie Q and Dylan McDermott

This thriller is created by Kevin Williamson, so obviously it’s going to be creepy. Maybe creepy enough to become a hit.

Midseason Shows

Backstrom {Rainn Wilson}, Agent Carter {Another Marvel Universe hit}, Wayward Pines {Twin Peaks like with a lot of Oscar-nominated actors}, Battle Creek {Vince Gilligan proves that he’s a genius and it wasn’t just luck with Breaking BAd} Empire {Terrance Howard and Taraji P. Henson, produced by Lee Daniels, written by Gilmore Girls’ Doyle McMaster/Danny Strong about a hip hop empire}, Galavant (A medevil musical. No really. Just watch the trailer}