It’s 2017. A bi-racial girl American girl named Meghan is becoming a British royal. 54-year-old John Stamos is going to be a first-time father. Donald Trump is president. Lit’rally anything could happen. That includes American Girl expanding its product line to include boys. American BOYS? Or boy, really. When the folks at American Girl announced that they’d be mass producing a white boy named Logan Everett earlier this year, we had some questions. And a lot of comments. Here are some of them.
There’s something different about the newest American Girl doll. It’s a boy. Which is a fine thing to be, if you’re a human, but I have to admit that my knee-jerk reaction was more like:
As if white boys couldn’t already be EVERYTHING, now they’re an American Girl doll? Ugh. What would Felicity think? (Trick question, she’d just note whether they wore the same britches size in case she had to steal another pair under cover of darkness.) Okay, also the boy looks like this:
Of course he does.
Anyway, the Boy American Girl is named Logan Everett.
Of course he is.
Logan is apparently the drummer for the doll version of 2008-era Taylor Swift. As the latest addition to our series Things I’m Willing To Believe About, here are some things I am willing to believe about Logan Everett, Boy American Girl:
His working name was Logan Bruno because he was 100% based on Logan Bruno, boy associate member of the Baby-Sitters Club. He’s even Southern.
Not to put all Logans in a box but all Logans are exactly one way, right?
Logan would like to invite you to a fun laser tag outing with his youth group.
His dad is in the worship band. Logan’s first performance was Lord I Lift Your Name On High.
Barbie’s boyfriend Ken is getting a makeover. Mattel’s classic dolls, which all look completely different but are all somehow still Ken, now represent a range of heights, skin tones, fashion mistakes and hairstyles — most notably, a man bun. [Sidebar: A few weeks ago I saw a child wearing a man bun at my suburban nephew’s fourth grade band concert. I surmised that this meant the trend had descended into, to quote Lin-Manuel Miranda, the pits of fashion; Ken’s new ‘do confirms it.] In this edition of Things I’m Willing to Believe About – where we provide baseless conjecture about heartthrobs, politicians, and apparently toys – we’re going to look at Barbie’s toy boy-toy, New Ken.
According to their Twitter bios, six of the Kens’ actual job is “influencer.”
These Kens were all in the same frat, and they really are all named Ken. And they all go by Kenny.
The Ken on the far left is actually a rejected Rachel Maddow Barbie prototype.
Actually, Maddow, the one with the black skinny tie, the one with the opaque sunglasses and Malibu 01 are all from a failed line of Lesbian Hipster Barbies. Optional add-ons included a rescue pit bull, a Subaru and hummus.
The Kens have a boys’ cottage weekend every summer and planning the rental is always DRAMA.
Man Bun Ken in the blue shirt got his hair cut before Man Bun Ken in the cactus shirt. He says it’s cool but it’s, you know, not.
When you tell Blue Checkered Ken you’re a fan of the Mets, he says “okay, name their best infield lineup.”
Pink California Shirt Ken tells you how to use the machine you’re already using at the gym.
Polka Dot Ken got his blouse at Zara and he insists on pronouncing it with a Spanish ‘z.’
It’s not even that Tropical Pineapple Shirt Ken likes Coachella so much, it’s that he says shit like “taking my soul up to Coachella for the weekend.”
Yellow Plaid Maddow Ken wrote a blog post about why the praise for Wonder Woman was overblown and unwarranted. Wrote a follow-up post on the women’s only screening. Wrote a follow-follow-up post after he actually saw the movie. Charitably confided that he’s “still do Robin Wright.”
Red Plaid Ken is your friend’s boyfriend who will help you change your tire or put in your air-conditioners, but he’s not hitting on you or anything, that’s just how his mom raised him.
Bernie Sanders.
Opaque Sunglasses Ken’s favorite rapper is Macklemore.
9 out of 11 Kens prefer vinyl. 4 out of 11 Kens actually own a record player. 3 out of 11 will make you come over and listen to a new record on a second date.
You made out with blue-shirted Man Bun Ken at church camp when he had a floppy skater haircut, and he acts like he doesn’t remember you when you run into him at a bar but you know he does.
That reminds me. In ninth grade all of The Kens had floppy skater haircuts.
When you get your hair cut and leave with a fresh blow-out, The Kens will be sure to tell you that it looks so much prettier naturally curly.
The Kens’ favorite book is Catcher In The Rye.
Cactus Ken wrote his senior thesis on Ginsberg’s Howl.
The Kens are surface-friendly, but they go hard on anybody who deigns to wear cargo shorts.
Malibu 01 Ken is on an office kickball team that he takes rather seriously.
A few of The Kens have girlfriends, all of whom refer to themselves as a “girl boss” and frequently post about how they “hustle;” the girlfriends have coffee mugs emblazoned with some kind of slogan about working hard.
When A Ken proposes marriage, he will do it on a mountaintop and Instagram it.
A handful of The Kens have instagrammed Airstreams but no Ken actually owns an Airstream.
It’s funny, Cactus Ken actually does have a lot of succulents.
If you want to meet The Kens, they will be at your nearest Farmers’ Market this Saturday, early but not early-early.
There’s something different about the newest American Girl doll. It’s a boy. Which is a fine thing to be, if you’re a human, but I have to admit that my knee-jerk reaction was more like:
As if white boys couldn’t already be EVERYTHING, now they’re an American Girl doll? Ugh. What would Felicity think? (Trick question, she’d just note whether they wore the same britches size in case she had to steal another pair under cover of darkness.) Okay, also the boy looks like this:
Of course he does.
Anyway, the Boy American Girl is named Logan Everett.
Of course he is.
Logan is apparently the drummer for the doll version of 2008-era Taylor Swift. As the latest addition to our series Things I’m Willing To Believe About, here are some things I am willing to believe about Logan Everett, Boy American Girl:
His working name was Logan Bruno because he was 100% based on Logan Bruno, boy associate member of the Baby-Sitters Club. He’s even Southern.
Not to put all Logans in a box but all Logans are exactly one way, right?
Logan would like to invite you to a fun laser tag outing with his youth group.
His dad is in the worship band. Logan’s first performance was Lord I Lift Your Name On High.
The original plan was for Boy American Girl Doll Logan Everett to be a historical character from 1994. He would have had the requisite Cute Boy In The 90s Haircut (see: Rider Strong), a plaid flannel with a heather gray hood, and you could buy him a scaled-down, working Talkboy for $19.99.
Like this.
In a frozen pioneer cemetery in Minnesota, Logan’s great-great-great-great grandmormor Kirsten is rolling over in her grave due to his coddled and simple lifestyle.
He calls his dog a rescue dog but it’s just a regular dog.
Logan rarely looks up from his Nintendo DS when he is forced to visit his great-grandma Molly. To be fair, all of her “harrowing war stories” are, like, “one time I curled my hair when it was wet and I got a cold” and “I ate turnips, once.”
Get a grip, Molls.
I’m not saying Logan smirks mockingly at people, I’m just saying that doll is smirking mockingly at me, right?
That face where you dropped something on your shirt and he’s not gonna laugh, he’s just gonna stare at you condescendingly.
His parents buy Lunchables.
And Sunny D.
And maybe Cheez Wiz?
Logan’s instagram is all skating pictures he stole off of other people’s instagrams (he doesn’t skate) and quotes.
Just really wants to bring hacky sack back.
Is the main character’s older brother who the best friend has a crush on on a Disney show.
If his name wasn’t Logan, it would have been Hunter. Or Kyler.
Was the first kid in his class whose parents didn’t care if he watched PG 13 movies.
Was in a commercial for a local amusement park 2 years ago and finds way more ways to bring it up than you’d think.
Boy band role: the one moms are OK with
Logan “thinks you look prettier without makeup,” but also thinks “no makeup” looks like concealer, light, well-blended foundation and bronzer, neutral eye shadow, lightly smudged dark brown liner, full mascara and lip gloss
Also “Tthinks you look prettier when you don’t do you hair;” hot rollers and highlights.
I understand this is supposed to be a country musician but I still kind of feel like on Myspace c. 2005 his favorite music would have been “anything but country lol.”
Always has to show you this hilarious video he found on YouTube.
Rosie O’Donnell may be one of the most famous talk show hosts of the 90s and early 2000s, but we like to think of her as one of the most famous FANS, too. So deep was Rosie’s fondness for her favorite things that when we were discussing this post, we came up with dozens of musicians, games and foods that Rosie adored – even though it has been nigh on 14 years since The Rosie O’Donnell Show left the airwaves. While we like to think we share some of Rosie’s gusto, the fact is that we will never love anything as much as Rosie O’Donnell loved:
Kids
M: Rosie thought kids were punny (other thing Rosie loved: puns), but most of all, she was the ultimate kid-friendly adult. She actually LISTENED to kids, acted like their opinions and stories were legitimate, and didn’t ask them condescending questions. There’s a chance I’m conflating Rosie with Golly, her character in Harriet The Spy, but probably not.
I also always loved that Rosie seemed like a parent who genuinely got a kick out of her own kids, and I refuse to believe that Parker is a grown man because I still can hear Rosie’s Parker imitation.
Broadway
M: You know when you’d get a cast recording and listen to it over and over again? And maybe you still do that (ahem – Hamilton)? Rosie was a TV-sanctioned adult who did the same thing. Rosie adored showtunes and musical theater actors, and all of the hottest shows of the 90s and early 2000s performed on Rosie. It didn’t seem weird at the time, but there are very few talk shows that you can count on to feature up-and-coming musicals. There’s a lot to say here, so we’ll be revisiting this topic later in the week.
Of course, no mention of Rosie and Broadway would be complete without a nod to her tenure as Rizzo in Grease.
T: Remember right after her show ended, she invested in a musical called Taboo loosely based off of Boy George? Don’t worry, it got mostly bad reviews and closed after 100 performances, so unless you’re a crazy person like we are, you wouldn’t have remembered just how deep her Broadway love runs.
Broadway Kids
M: Rosie loved Broadway, and Rosie loved kids, so it stands to reason that Broadway Kids were Rosie’s jam – to the extent that she created Rosie’s Broadway Kids (now called Rosie’s Theater Kids), an organization that gets kids involved in the performing arts. However, during our childhood the Broadway Kids were at troop of polished musical theater kids who sometimes performed on shows like Rosie. I remember watching them through a lens of admiration mixed with envy. I feel like Lacey Chabert was always involved, but that can’t be possible.
T: Lacey Chabert – that bitch be everywehre.
Entemann’s
M: Entenmann’s baked goods reminded Rosie O’Donnell of the Long Island mom-types during her childhood playing bridge or whatever it was that Long Island moms did in the 60s. And now, Entenmann’s baked goods remind me of Rosie O’Donnell. I don’t know her position on TastyCakes.
T: I do know her position on Ring Dings, because audience members got that and milk before the show.
Koosh balls
T: There are few talk show hosts who can get away with launching rubber balls into the audience and make it look cool. Just imagine Oprah doing this for a second. And that’s OPRAH. When Rosie flung these into the crowd, it suddenly became an interactive show and added a sense of innocent fun unlike any other talk show on TV. It became so synonymous with her show that Koosh sold a special Rosie O’Donnell Show version of their Koosh Fling Shot, as seen here and the one sitting at my home collecting dust.
M: I got one of these at the store after the NBC tour, c. 1998. I don’t keep things so I got rid of it sometime in high school, but I sort of wish I still had it.
Tom Cruise
T: If there’s anything you took away from watching Rosie in the 90s, it’s that she had an obsession with two people: Tom Cruise and Barbra Streisand. If you recall, Rosie had a soundboard that played audio clips next to her desk, and anytime she’d talk about her deep love for her celebrity crush, she’d play “Tommy, can you hear me?” a line from a song of the same name by The Who. She campaigned for him to be on her show, and when he finally made it, it was like watching Jim and Pam kiss for the first time. Rosie invited fans into her life by sharing personal anecdotes that made it seem we had been friends growing up in Commack, Long Island, and we were cheering her on as she lived out life long dream. I mean, while rewatching this clip, I legitimately said out loud (to no one), “THIS BRINGS ME SO MUCH JOY!” Especially if you forget about all of Tom Cruise’s persona.
M: When we were doing our Rosie Week research this summer, we were both floored by how quickly into the show’s run Tom appeared (plus a few others, like Donny Osmond). The buildup was so huge that at the time, it felt like years before “my Tommy” was a Rosie guest.
Barbra Streisand
T: As mentioned, Rosie’s other love was Barbra. She had loved the icon ever since she was a kid, not only because she enjoyed her music, but it was a common interest she shared with her late mother, who died of breast cancer when Rosie was just 10. She even used to amuse her mom by impersonating Barbra, so it was always like a maternal fan relationship with her.
In that first interview with Babs in ’97, I distinctly remember tearing up because Rosie was tearing up, but I feel like anyone would after watching Ro interview/meet her lifelong idol.
“For every boy and girl out there watching, dreams do come true, please welcome Barbra Streisand… You were a constant source of light in an often dark childhood. You inspired me and gave me the courage to dream a life better than the one I knew. I am profoundly grateful to you in so many ways.”
McDonald’s Happy Meal Toys
M: Rosie seemed so genuinely delighted by McDonald’s toys that it didn’t occur to me until I was writing this post at age 30 that it could have been a marketing tie-in. And honestly? I still think she really liked the toys. Rosie always had ALL of the Teeny Beanie Babies, even the “rare” ones.
T: Rosie probably had the Princess Diana one, LBR.
M: Thing from my childhood I DIDN’T KonMari: My Princess Diana Bear. That thing was gonna pay my college tuition.
Chub Club
T: When you’re living in America, at the end of the millennium – you are what you eat. Which is why Rosie started the Chub Club, a campaign to get herself and viewers in shape. The motto was “Eat Less and Move More” and basically served as a virtual support group to lose weight. Over 300,000 people joined, and was a staple on Rosie’s show. She’d invite Chub Club members to the show, discuss the right foods to eat and try out exercise tips. If I wasn’t a tween at the time, I definitely would try to do this for the swag alone (I think there was swag, at least).
M: I love how no-fuss this idea is. There are no weird things with tracking carbs or fats (it was the 90s) and you didn’t have to do Billy Blanks. Everyone on a diet in 1999 had to do Billy Blanks workouts before this. That’s just how it was.
Being Kissable
M: Doesn’t ring a bell? Here, let me help. Scope did a poll that named Rosie one of the least-kissable celebrities. Yeah. If you think the media is nasty now, the 90s were possibly worse. Anyway, Listerine disagreed and donated $1,000 for every celebrity guest who kissed Rosie. In the end, it was a lot of money.
Being Crafty
T: This video includes two of our favorite people in the world. And if you’re wondering what the timeline is here, LG appeared on Rosie’s very last episode in 2002 aka season two of Gilmore Girls. Yeah, I know it’s weird. BUT THIS IS A DELIGHT. “Shells are very big for Summer 2002”.
Anyways, Rosie was so cool during this time that she made even crafting hip (amongst the suburban mom demo and kids under the age of 14). She even had a segment called Rosie’s Craft Corner, and she’d usually have either her official show crafter named Christina, I think? Or a celeb guest, as seen above. No lie, I bought Mod Podge solely because Rosie decoupaged all the things, so natch, I did too.
Being Irish-American
M: Rosie freaking loved being Irish-American, and it was so refreshing to have a celebrity cultural spokesperson who wasn’t a Kennedy. (Yeah, lots of celebs are part-Irish, but there’s a difference between being raised doing Irish dance and going to the AOH verses just knowing some great-great-great grandparent was supposed to be from there). So did Rosie sometimes say things were “Irish” things when they were really just her family (I recall cold sores and having a short upper body)? Sure, but who cares? She helped maintain the Irish reputation for being hilarious and affable, and we all owe her a Guinness for that.
Donny Osmond
T: Donny Osmond, former teen heartthrob and longtime Mormon singing icon, made a cutting joke about Rosie’s larger figure, and she got on the outs with him. In an effort to apologize, he dressed as a large puppy and sang his signature song, Puppy Love. It was obviously rude of him to make the joke, but the result is great, and I can’t say that I didn’t have a crush on him twenty years too late during this era.
M: Thanks to Rosie, I saw Donny Osmond appear at the Hill Cumorah pageant, a big Mormon to-do. Readers? I am not Mormon.
Her BFFs Jackie and Jeanie
M: When we watched Rosie as tweens, we imagined (a) that we’d be friends with our childhood besties forever and (b) if we ever got famous, they were coming with us. That’s why we loved how Rosie would bring her buddies onto her show and chat about them in the same way one might name-drop a celebrity.
Lapels
M: OK. It was a 90s thing. But the fact remains that the woman loved a pantsuit with big lapels. Do you remember those giant brooches that moms and teachers would wear back then? You NEEDED those lapels.
Her Barbie
M: Can you blame her?
T: Is that a card deck labelled “Activity Zone!”??? Because I need it.
Having A Footrest
M: Rosie’s desk had a slide-out footrest for short guests. She LOVED offering it to people, and it came in handy because a lot of Rosie’s guests were children or, for whatever reason, small adults.
When people did her desk
T: I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure Rosie had a contest in which different people would design her desk and it lasted maybe a week or two. Here’s one featuring a real habitrail with real hamsters. Other themes included Star Wars, Hot Wheels and an entire desk made out of Legos. As a 12 year old, this desk was #goals.
It seems like everything from the 80s and 90s is getting a revival these days – from Full House to The X Files to Jem and the Holograms (although that didn’t go so well). There’s a rush of nostalgia going on right now, but it seems different to us millennials because it actually pertains to us. Instead of wearing 70s-inspired bell bottoms when we were in 7th grade, now we’re the ones who are rocking daisy print baby dolls dresses and jelly shoes. Yeah, I feel old too.
In addition to fashion and entertainment, kids’ toys also somehow make a comeback, with things like Easy-Bake Ovens (which are weirdly futuristic looking now) and Puppy Surprises reappearing. In fact, the Puppy Surprise, you know that stuffed animal that’s holding an unknown number of baby puppies in its velcro sack, made a return last year, and it was so popular that the company had to stop airing commercials because the demand was so high.
Easy-Bake Ovens and Puppy Surprises may have been coveted in the 90s for Christmas, but they’re just as coveted in 2015, too. To make you feel even older, here are a bunch of other toys from our childhood that I would’ve died for as a tot. Or maybe wouldn’t even be mad about seeing under the Christmas tree as an adult.
Talkboy/Talkgirl
We can all thank Home Alone 2: Lost in New York for this gem. The one Kevin McAllister uses was only a prop, but a letter-writing campaign by young fans begging for a real version to be made was launched, and a year after the movie came out, Tiger Electronics finally made a real one and it became one of the most wanted toys for Christmas. Not to brag or anything, but I totally had one. Not even the Talkgirl – the OG silver version. I wasn’t as cool as Kevin.
Sally Secrets Doll
I was one of those weird kids that loved those invisible ink books or having things that had secret compartments, so the Sally Secrets doll was a GD dream. In her shoes, there was a stamp and stamp pad, by pressing a button, stickers would come out of her belt. Genius. That’s why her body is so thick – it’s full of secrets.
Moon Shoes
Is the rise and popularity of NASA in the 90s a direct correlation to the necessity of Moon Shoe toys and grand prize winnings to go to Space Camp from Nickelodeon game shoes?
Tamagotchi
I’m not gonna lie to you guys. It’s the holidays. I not only had one Tamagotchi – I had two. AND a GigaPet. AND I held them all on this super cool, trendy, not nerdy at all red Brine lanyard. Honestly, how did I make it through my youth?
Talkback Dear Diary
Like the Tamagotchi and Talkboy, I’m starting to realize that the trend for 90s toys was primitive technology. The era was when we, as a world culture, were getting into things like the Internet and computers instead of typewriters. So when we upgraded from paper diaries to electronic diaries, it was a huge deal. And one that had a recording device on it? Forget it.
Teddy Ruxpin
Anyone can tell you that if you had a Teddy Ruxpin, you were one lucky kid. I feel like these talking bears were super expensive, and a lot of that had to do with the cassette tapes that came with it. Too many accessories. But did anyone else find him creepy? No? Just me?
Pogs
Story time: In 1995 (20 YEARS AGO HOLY CRAP), I spent my Christmas with my family in the Philippines for the first time ever. Like any nine year old, my memories of this vacation is fairly vague, with a few standout moments in my brain. One of them is opening presents my parents (or Santa?) brought with them from America for me to open in the Philippines. One of which was a Pog maker, as seen in the well-made commercial above. Looking back on it, I must have seemed like the spoiled American to all my cousins who were like, “What is this product? I got a shirt from Santa.” Like, what a douche.
Hit Clips
Here we are again with the primitive technology – except maybe Hit Clips were more of a Kidz Bop version of teens and their CDs. I had both the portable clip and the boom box, and only like 3 songs (2 BSB, 1 Britney) and if I’m remembering correctly, they didn’t even play the whole song? Or there was an option to only play a ‘clip’? IDK all I know is that it’s still in my bedroom at home, even though they don’t work anymore.
Sky Dancers
“Fly for me, just for me… Come to me, dance for me, Skydancers fly for me!” Why are these girls so demanding??
Cookies + Sangria 