Author Archives: Cookies + Sangria

Shows You Should Be Watching If You Aren’t Already: Last-Minute Binge Edition 2016

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Since it’s only the first week of September, old shows and new shows are slowly rolling out this month and next month. And you know what that means? You still have time to sneak in one last binge-watch before a new season premieres! But what is easy to catch up on and worth your time? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered.

Traci’s Picks

For viewers who miss the camaraderie of The Office, the quirkiness of 30 Rock, and the community of Community: Superstore

Seasons to catch up on: 1

Next season begins: September 22nd at 8pm on NBC

Why you should be watching: Remember how the first seasons of The Office and Parks and Rec were a little slow moving but you knew they had so much potential? That’s what I felt about the first season of Superstore. It could also be because the executive producer used to be a writer at The Office. But like both those shows, Superstore is a workplace comedy about a rag tag bunch of folks who work at a Wal-Mart/big box type store. It stars America’s sweetheart America Ferrera and Ben Feldman, who I’ve decided I will watch anything he is in. There’s also a Filipino character that was prominently featured in the Olympics episode they aired a couple weeks ago, and that satisfies me greatly.

For people who liked American Crime Story, but also literally every human alive: American Crime

Seasons to catch up on: 2

Next season begins: 2017 (I’m cheating since this doesn’t come back until next year)

Why you should be watching: On the real, because this show is an anthology, you don’t even need to watch the two previous seasons. But you should anyways. The first season centers on a home invasion in California which leaves a war veteran dead and his wife seriously injured. The investigation and trial deals with issues of race, class and gender politics, and stars Felicity Huffman, Timothy Hutton, Lili Taylor and Regina King. All four of them return for the second season playing completely different characters. This time, the season is set in the midwest at a private and public high school, when two of the private school kids are accused of drugging and assaulting a guy from the public school. Issues of sexual orientation, class and more (which I don’t want to spoil) come into play. Both seasons are spectacular in their own ways and it’s one of those well-written, well acted, and socially important programs that I feel like everyone needs to watch.

For all Americans and Hamilton fans who are OK with modern music being used to score a show about true events in the 1800s: Underground

Seasons to catch up on: 1

Next season begins: 2017 (all the shows I want you to watch aren’t coming back until next year!)

Why you should be watching: I hate that Underground didn’t get the Emmy recognition it deserved, because it could easily have been nominated for writing, acting and directing. The story follows a group of escaped slaved called the Macon 7 as they attempt to make it to the North. With the feeling they’re going to be caught making you tense in every episode, along with the romance, unwanted romance, race relations and general drama throughout the first season, the 10-episode binge will not be hard to get through at all.

Molly’s Picks

For fans of musicals, comedy, musical comedy, and anybody who thought “that’s a sexist term” upon reading the show’s title: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Seasons to catch up on: 1

Next season begins: October 21

Why you should be watching: Did you watch Glee because you love people spontaneously bursting into song, but you wished it was actually funny even ONCE? Are your favorite SNL sketches the clever yet relatable songs like (Do It On My) Twin Bed or Back Home Ballers? Do movies like Ghostbusters or Sisters make you want to start a letter-writing campaign to all of the major studios asking for more of this, please? Do you like a good rom-com where the protagonist is torn between two appealing gentlemen? Are you into 90s junior high flashbacks? Hey. Come watch this show. You’re going to love it.

 Rebecca Bunch is a New York lawyer who moves to West Covina, California after a chance run-in with her camp sweetheart, Josh. There’s a lot of Rebecca trying to act chill and normal so Josh doesn’t think she’s, well, a crazy ex-girlfriend, often with the help of her buddy Paula, the coworker we all wish we had. Oh, and Josh is engaged to Valencia, a yoga-teaching Pinterest goal board come to life. But then there’s Greg, Josh’s friend who Rebecca should definitely end up with … or I mean, you should watch and form your own opinions.

For viewers who love psychological thrillers like Orphan Black, tech conspiracies, or handsome men who hate themselves: Mr. Robot

Seasons to catch up on: 2

Next season begins: 2017 (season 2 is in progress and ends later this month)

Why you should be watching: Like Orphan Black, I feel like you should watch the pilot and second episode then just TRY to stop watching. There are a few plot twists and it is best to watch unspoiled, which is why you should begin the show now instead of waiting until Season 3. Besides, then you won’t need to wonder how there are so many nominations for a USA show come Emmy night.

Largely spoiler free summary: Rami Malek plays Elliot, a lonely hacker with some degree of mental illness, an omnipresent black hoodie, a mild but appealing lateral lisp, and a vendetta against E Corp (a global conglomorate responsible for his father’s death from cancer when Elliot was a child). Elliot joins fsociety, a Coney Island-based hacker group that’s working to bring down E Corp. Standout characters : fsociety leader Mr. Robot, acerbic hacker Darlene, and Elliot’s childhood friend Angela (who, along with Rebecca Bunch, is one of the only lady lawyers on television who seems like a human).

For people who didn’t listen to us last year: Jane The Virgin

Seasons to catch up on: 2

Next Season Begins: October 2016

Why you should be watching: Last year, JTV was on our last-minute binge watching list with a caveat: we should have been watching it too, but we had to wait for season 1 to get to Netflix. Between then and now both of us have emerged from heavy JTV binges and are obsessed.

Jane The Virgin, like real telenovelas before it, rides the line between comedy and melodrama. The writing is sharp and the show is brilliantly styled, but the whole thing rests on the endearing and spirited performance of Gina Rodriguez. Her Jane is nothing like the character I imagined when I heard the “virginal pregnant 20-something” descriptor. If the concept sounded a little iffy to you, give it 2 episodes and prepare for your mind to change.

As an aside, I “watched” the first 15 episodes while I was painting the downstairs of my house, so I actually listened like it was a radio play. This show works perfectly for that viewing style if you have any big projects to tackle this fall (as long as you’re fluent in Spanish for the occasional captioned scene). Only downside: realizing half the characters look NOTHING like you imagined when you start watching for real.

Cheers Chats #8: Bar Wars

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Welcome back to Cheers Chats! It’s now been a full year since we fell in love with the Cheers pilot and realized that we’d need to turn this into something more long-term. We’ve made it through six seasons of adoration (usually) for Sam Malone Dream Man, bemusement at Diane, and love for our best boo, Carla. But things sure have changed since Season 5, so let’s look at what’s happening at our favorite Boston dive bar, c. 1988:

Episode 6.23: Bar Wars

Originally aired: March 31st, 1988

Previously on Cheers

We’ve fast forwarded through an entire season again, including Sam and Diane getting engaged (because Diane basically sued Sam and forced him to marry her) in season five. And then almost getting married. Literally about to say their I Dos when they don’t. Diane’s ex-fiance Sumner shows up again and tells her he gave her manuscript to a publisher and now she has the opportunity to really pursue her writing “career”. Sam insists she should follow her dreams and lets her go so she can focus on her book. IRL, Shelley Long wanted to focus on her movie “career” and also motherhood.

Sam decided to take a sabbatical of his own and sells Cheers and goes off on a boat trip. Months later, he returns to find Cheers has gone all corporate and the person running the place is Rebecca Howe, played by Kirstie Alley. And just like Woody replaced Coach, we see Rebecca replace Diane as the object of all of Sam’s advances. BTW, Sam gets a job as a bartender again.

Elsewhere, Carla gets engaged to professional hockey player Eddie LeBec, Frasier gets engaged to Lilith, Norm fluctuates between jobs, Cliff continues to strike out with the ladies, and Woody is still a small-town simpleton at heart.

Netflix synopsis

The gang celebrates their second anniversary of beating Gary’s Olde Town Tavern in bowling, but Gary reignites their war by stealing the trophy.

What Had Happened Was

The gang has had a bowling rivalry with Gary’s Old Town Tavern and their record is 173 to 1.  Whilst celebrating the anniversary of their first (and only) win, someone steals the trophy and breaks it in half. Now Cheers wants to get revenge.

Sam and Carla show up to Gary’s and it’s already jarring because as I think I mentioned earlier in the Cheers Chats series, most of these are bottle episodes aka they take place within the confine of Cheers, and nowhere else. Anytime we’re brought out of that setting, it feels odd to me. They’ve been doing it more over the past couple of seasons, but it’s still weird.

Not to mention, since the show focuses on the characters’ lives AT CHEERS, it’s always weird how they have to bring up a plot point that’s been “happening all along” (like having a bowling team) but that somehow hasn’t come up.

Sam and Carla obviously are there to get back at them, and pretend they’re giving a peace offering with champagne but it turns out they hand out trick glasses and everyone spills it down their shirts. This is not a good prank.

“You know what gets me about this, Malone? It’s how weenie this stunt was. This is the best you could come up with? I am embarrassed, all right. Not for me, but for you.” Gary, speaking the truth.

Al: Pretty weenie.

Sam: Now I’m humiliated.

Two “pest control” workers show up to Cheers saying someone reported rats and obviously it’s payback from Gary. Come on. You should always be on the lookout if you’re dealing with pranksters. It’s like if you’re working with George Clooney (as you do) don’t be surprised if he lists your real phone number on a billboard on Sunset. EVERYONE IS SUSPICIOUS (Until a real customer is a real customer and not a prank).

Like the guy who just came and left the bar after explaining his wife is at the hospital and just had a double by-pass.

More people than could have possibly been at Cheers flee the bar wearing tweed suits because of rats. It never really struck me as the sort of joint where the clientele was terrified of rodents?

“Wait till he finds the prune juice in his Kahlua.” “Yeah, what about the sneezing powder in the ventilation system, huh?” “Yeah, Gary’s messed around with the wrong guys.” Ugh you barflies are idiots.

What next, a fake ice cube with a plastic fly in their drinks? A handshake buzzer? These pranks are elementary at best.

Gary shows up and calls another truce, this time with Rebecca. He asks her out for coffee. Just say no.

Sam calls Gary a rat. More tweed people exit.

Rebecca’s office is now full of sheep.


Carla goes undercover and rigs the big screen at Gary’s, where a bunch of folks are gathered to watch some big boxing match. Instead, a video of Cliff and Norm reading poetry shows up and for some reason it reminds me of Christopher Walken’s The Continental sketch on SNL (brilliant behind-the-scenes footage of this!)

Remember that episode of Saved by the Bell featuring the annual prank war between Bayside and Valley? Yeah, that was better than this. 

The “largest big-screen tv in the greater Boston metropolitan area” that they’re watching the fight (/poetry) on is literally smaller than the TV in my living room. The future is now.

Gary says he’s sending over Red Sox player Wade Boggs and the Cheers crew doesn’t believe him. They ran Wade down and pants him. It was the real Wade Boggs. They all feel humiliated. Except now they have Wade Boggs’ pants. They are ok to settle with this.

Carla’s My Boo

Cold open: “Eddie’s never going to cheat!” cue Carla saying they’re seeing Fatal Attraction. I fear their marriage won’t end well.

“I told you we should have fixed his brakes.” Carla ‘DGAF’ Tortelli, re: a failed prank

I know we usually address this in our fashion section – and we will – but the late 80s are here and Carla has the outfits to prove it. Her sassy jacket looks like something a comedian would wear in their instagram as a joke, or a fashion blogger would wear in their instagram as a plea for attention.

Little Ditty ‘Bout Sam and Becky

Diane’s Gone Now But We Committed To This Mellencamp Thing

Rebecca: I’m gonna get him. I’m going to rip his head off.

Sam: Aw, but he’s so cute.

Rebecca: And then I’m going to tie him up, and I’m going to take a lighter, and I’m going to torch him from the tip of his toes to the top of his head.

Sam: How come you never do stuff like that to me?

Becky with the Good Hair

Rebecca’s hair is at max 1988 with all this crimped hair

“There is one thing you can beat Gary’s Olde Town Tavern at – maturity.” Everyone starts making farting noises and sticking on their tongues and Cliff even scratches at his armpits like a monkey. Honestly I am more Rebecca than anyone in this bar how does she put up with this?

Woody the Simpleton

Sam tells Norm he shouldn’t go beat up Gary, says he’d rather take Woody instead – Woody in his acid wash jeans can barely jump over bar. It’s pathetic.

“Hey I thought it smelled like home” SIMPLETON/COACH

LLOL

The moments that made us literally laugh out loud

Carla: Yeah, I’d like to do something to Gary and make him really miserable.

Norm: Why don’t you marry him?

Sam: Cute?! You think Gary’s cute?

Rebecca: Yeah, he’s got a real cool face and a nice body. He looks kind of like an athlete.

Sam: Hey, what am I?

Woody: Jealous.

Say It Again, Sam

(Memorable lines from the episode. Not exclusively from Sam Malone.)

“Two years ago tonight, we waxed your heiny in bowling!” Sam on beating Gary + co. in bowling last year

“Hey Al! Why aren’t you at Cheers?” Carla

“Holy mackerel! This isn’t Cheers?” Old guy Al (previously convinced Woody’s dad to make him stay in Boston :08

“Oh, so you’re the manager. Finally something in this place worth looking at.” Gary meeting Rebecca. MEN. UGH.

“Why don’t we sleep in tomorrow and have eggs benedict?” Not actually funny, but this sounds like a very 1988 thing to do, doesn’t it?

Cheers Queries

Why has the transition music turned more rock? Because it’s 1988? -T (Note: before I saw Traci wrote this, I was scrolling to this section to ask what TF happened to the background music. It sounds like it’s from an off-brand 80s cartoon about a mouse trying to make it in New York City. -M)

About 80% of the patrons at Gary’s are men. And there are two female waitresses. What is this place? -T (THE WRITER’S ROOM OF CHEERS, BASICALLY. -M)

Did Cheers always use words like “weenie” or “heinie” like the baddest boy in Sr. Mary Alma’s 5th grade class in 1962? -M

Barfly Fashion

Cold open: Carla’s leopard shirt, panda bear jacket & bow WOW


Rebecca’s oversized rose jacket is what I think all businesswomen in the 1980s looked like.


WHAT IS HAPPENING TO CARLA



Rebecca’s honeycomb jacket


Woody’s suspenders are v simpleton and also, he’s grown his hair out a bit. It’s not very nice.


Not pictured: Carla’s undercover outfit includes black ski mask.


Gary’s popped collar(s).  I get why they want to prank him.


Sam’s ENORMOUS POCKETS on his shirt. Each could fit a full mini-ipad or a few kittens old enough to be separated from their mother.


Final Thoughts

The rest of this series is going to be struggle bus. – T

I’d quit now if we hadn’t committed to this. -M

Next Up: We are basing our watch list off of AV Club’s 10 Episodes That Show How Cheers Stayed Great For 11 Seasons. We’re going chronologically, so stop by next month when we’ll discuss season seven, episode seven, How To Win Friends And Electrocute People.
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Goodbye, Rio: Olympics GIF Wrap Up

Posted in Miscellany by

The 31st Olympiad has come to a close and it lived up to everything the Games are supposed to be. It was inspiring, heart-wrenching and downright bizarre. We quite literally laughed, cried, and learned about life every single day of the Games. In two weeks we saw children perform almost superhuman athletic feats – and we saw a few adults old enough to be their parents do the same. We marveled at the way a talented competitor can affect society beyond the bounds of mere sport. We saw international friendships form and international scandals break. Zac Efron was there. Leslie Jones was there. As always, the Olympics were a display of athleticism, drive and international cooperation that simply defied words. But where words fail us, gifs do not. Let’s look back at the Rio Games with the clips, quips and reaction shots that will come to define your tumblr dash in the weeks to come:

The pride of Brazil, Gisele Bunchen, showed off her walking skills at the opening ceremony. And then she danced with the commoners in a gold, sequined jumpsuit, because that’s what they do in Brazil

First of all, these people on bikes leading each of the countries in. It’s next level Ms. Frizzle. Second, this is the most recognizable flag bearer in the world – Oiled Up Dude From Tonga. He became so popular that he even made a second appearance in the closing ceremony by dancing on stage.

For the first time, a team comprised of refugees from around the world competed in the Games, and what you can’t see in this gif is us letting out the first of many tears shed throughout the Olympics.

Best cauldron ever?

#Teammates

tfw when you lift a shit ton of weight & manage to not smash it on your head

Argentina’s Juan Martín del Potro unexpectedly gave Britain’s Andy Murray a run for the gold, but the four hour match ended in favor of the Brit, leaving underdog del Potro in tears. It was heartbreaking.

Super underdog Monica Puig, who ranked 34th in the world, managed to win gold in women’s tennis – and the first gold for Puerto Rico. Add a notch to the cry count.

As soon as we work through the language barrier, our girl Fu is gonna be our next best friend.

Simone Manuel became the first black woman to win a gold medal in an individual swimming competition in the history of the Olympics and this moment when she found out she won the 100m freestyle will forever go down in my favorite Olympics moments ever. She was an underdog and came from behind, but more importantly, she now stands as a hero to all black swimmers, in a sport which was rooted in racism in the U.S.

Katie Ledecky slayed so hard, her closest competition barely fit in the same shot.

This is going to be one of those memes that will resurface again in a wave of nostalgia in about two and a half years.

Well.

Oblig Michael Phelps Section

It’s no leaking goggles disaster of ’08, but it’s still pretty stressful. In the middle of the 4×200 relay, Phelps’ cap breaks into two, forcing him to borrow teammate Connor Dwyer’s cap (he went first in the relay). What’s most fascinating to me is that when it broke, you could tell he said, ‘DANG IT!”. I can think of at least 5 other curse words I’d say in succession if that ever happened to me.

#Phlochte

You’ve seen this already. See it again.

And this is why Michael Phelps leaves the trash talking out and does work inside the pool. Suck it Le Clos.

*Look at where you are. Look at where you started.*

These three rivals may have tied for silver (after being edged out by a young whippersnapper) but they win the gold in the most awkward hand holding medal ceremony ever. Seriously, the history between these three is epic. Look it up.

Ryan Held. Sweet cinnamon roll. Enjoy it bud.

https://www.tumblr.com/mymusicstuff2/149172022306/phelps-adrian-murphy-and-miller-celebrate-their

GOD BLESS THIS CAMERA MAN.

For some reason err’body was proposing to their loved ones at this Olympics, including this Olympics volunteer who proposed to her Brazilian rugby player girlfriend after the first-ever rugby game was played at the Olympics. If you can’t tell, she tied a ribbon around her finger, so that’s officially my fave proposal of the Games.

This Chinese diver also got in the action by proposing to his GF after she won a diving medal of her own. This is the most reserved ‘Yes’ I’ve ever seen in my life.

Japan’s Risako Kawai won the gold medal in wrestling and if you thought she was tired after winning – she wasn’t. She flipped her coach in celebration. Watch the vid to see what she did next.

Any time I see athletes from North Korea doing not so well in the Olympics I get nervous for them and their return home. But in this moment, I felt nothing but pride an unity as two gymnasts from North and South Korea stopped to take a selfie during competition. This is what the Olympics is all about, folks.

Oblig Final Five Section

New patron saint of this blog: Laurie Hernandez

Also our new mantra we’re telling ourselves in the mirror each morning.

Lynn & Rick Raisman, never change.

https://www.tumblr.com/mesutozilled/149133328621/olympics-team-final-2012-aa-final-2016

CRY COUNT: WHO KNOWS ANYMORE.

It’s almost as if we CGIed this.

https://www.tumblr.com/fyeahzef/149132256525/the-adorable-zac-simone-moment

MAYBE MY FAVORITE THING TO COME OUT OF THESE OLYMPICS.

After the gymnastics competition is over, they have a gala, which is basically an exhibition of gymnasts who won medals, but also showcased possible events like synchronized trampoline and Tokyo 2020 sport, karate. The gala is known to be way more casual – enter American Danell Leyva, who won silver on the parallel bars. He decided to go all Magic Mike on the crowd and did this. Where my Brazilian Reals at to make it rain on him???

Ok, not a GIF, but if you’ve ever wondered how the field athletes get their various items back (discus, shotputs, javelins, etc.), a remote control car is used to zoom across the field. It is wild.

No, this Japanese pole vaulter’s junk was not the reason he couldn’t clear the bar.

Allyson Felix lost out on the gold by a mere dive across the finish line.

JK this might be my favorite story from the Olympics. When an American track runner falls and a New Zealand competitor stops to help her up. And they cross the finish line together. They even got a rare medal of sportsmanship from officials, so there’s another cry count for the books.

Fierce women sweep their way up to the podium.

Oblig Usain Bolt Section

http://leocuccittini.tumblr.com/post/149169354764/usain-bolt-celebrates-after-winning-the-mens-200m

Friendship goals

And then a Malaysian diver did this. Oops.

https://www.tumblr.com/lionelandresmessii/149244114586/neymar-after-his-winning-penalty-during-the

Brazil had the most epic win at the Olympics, and even though I care not for soccer, this brought me to tears multiple times.

Gold medal for most supportive American athletes : superstars of the basketball team. They were spotted in the stands to cheer on Michael Phelps and Kerri Walsh Jennings and April Ross, among others, and always looked so incredibly hype and proud of their fellow athletes.

The U.S. Men’s basketball team scored yet another gold medal, and this is why I need to be friends (slash date) every single one of them. Deandre Jordan, I’m looking at you.

the time when the prime minister of japan lit’rally popped up from a mario tube to help introduce Tokyo 2020. We are ready for Japan.

and of course, this guy.

 

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Point/Counterpoint: I’m Attracted to Ryan Lochte

Posted in Miscellany by

This is Ryan Lochte:

This is also Ryan Lochte:

But if you’ve been paying attention to Olympic swimming since 2008 or watch reality TV or have paid any attention to the news over the past few days, you already know who this is. Ryan’s been embroiled in a bizarre case of “Who’s Telling The Truth”, after he and three other members of the U.S. Olympic swimming team (Jimmy Feigen, Gunnar Bentz and Jack Conger) stopped at a gas station to use the bathroom after a night out. One of them “committed an act of vandalism” and as a result, they got into an argument with two armed gas station security staff who brandished their weapons. They demanded the swimmers to give them money for the repairs of said vandalism, and once they gave them money, they were allowed to leave. In Lochte’s version, says they got held up at gunpoint by men pretending to be Brazilian police. All this in Rio, a city that was already plagued with rumors of its criminal activity.

It’s truly one of the most outrageous stories to ever come out of the Olympics, but in a nutshell, this is what’s happened so far after Ryan came forward with his story:

  • Each of the four guys gave their testaments to Rio police, but a Brazilian judge says they gave contradictory reports.
  • That same judge ordered Lochte and Feigen to remain in Brazil as authorities continued their investigation. She also ordered a search and seizure warrants for Lochte and Feigen’s passports, but Lochte had already landed on U.S. soil. Feigen is still in Brazil and in touch with local authorities.
  • Lochte’s lawyer said he already gave a statement to the police and offered to cooperate, while reps from the U.S. State Department, United States Olympic Committee and the FBI looked on. Shit got real. At the time, they didn’t ask him for more info, and didn’t ask him to stay in Brazil.
  • Meanwhile, Bentz and Conger were pulled off their flight in Brazil on Wednesday night & were interviewed by police. Police told media they gave statements denying they were victims of a robbery, and Lochte’s version of the events were not true. They were released and free to go back to the U.S.
  • Security footage surfaced showing the men at the gas station
  • Both Brazilians and the U.S. swimmers all agree on one thing: a gun was taken out during the incident at the gas station, and money was exchanged.
  • While they could face criminal charges, it’s unlikely.

What. Is. Going. On? Who’s telling the truth? Are Lochte and co. victims of attempted robbery, with Rio police trying to save face? Or are the U.S. swimmers swimming in B.S.? As the investigation on #LochteGate continues, another mystery has come to our attention – the fact that maybe, just maybe, we might be semi-attracted to Ryan Lochte? Using evidence gathered throughout the years, we argue the pros and cons, point and counterpoint of why this man could be our favorite male sex symbol at the moment.

Point: I am attracted to Ryan Lochte

Sometimes I think I really missed out on picking up swimming as an extra-curricular.

Counterpoint: I am unattracted to Ryan Lochte

No. No to the grills.

Point: This is Ryan Lochte

Counterpoint: Ryan Lochte caused a diplomatic crisis

Is Sarah Koenig already recording phone calls with Jack Conger in Brazil, or…?

Point: His relationship with Michael Phelps

https://www.tumblr.com/lauradonnelly/148828516085

We just like it when cute boys hold hands, okay? All right, this might be like 70% Phelps that we’re feeling.

Counterpoint: His relationship with his mom.

In 2012, Ryan Lochte’s mom bragged about how many one-night stands he had. There’s also a theory that Ryan’s current snafu (/diplomatic crisis/ waste of government resources) is due to him lying to his ma about what went down during his wild night out. I think we can all agree that those guys whose moms back up their terrible choices well into adulthood are not the ones you should spend your time on.

Point: This smile.

Counterpoint: That hair.

The smile was an accident of birth. The hair was a choice.

Point: Kind of funny, sometimes.

Counterpoint: But like. Not on purpose.

Point: Knows the words to the national anthem?

Counterpoint: Spelled the word scissor “siccor.”

https://twitter.com/ryanlochte/status/227874351138099200

Point: Knowing he could be the man of your dreams

Counterpoint: Knowing he understands (kinda) what dreams are

Point: He has a boylike charm to him

It can be endearing!

Counterpoint: He has a teenage boylike demeanor to him

Ryan Lochte is like that guy in high school that was uber athlete and would want to cheat off your test so he could play in the game/meet that night and is not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Point: He’s an inspiration to young swimmers

In the photo above, Ryan is legit putting the gold medal he won at the World Short Course Swimming Championships in 2012 around the neck of a nine-year-old Turkish fan. Lochte explained that when he was younger, he asked an unnamed Olympian for his autograph, but he said no. Lochte promised to never do that in his career.

Counterpoint: His inspirational quotes aren’t that… inspirational?

http://yelyahgilbert.tumblr.com/post/149078604888/ediebrit-this-video-saved-my-life

I continue to get life from this video.

Point: He’s one of the best swimmers of our time

If you’re one of Michael Phelps’ biggest rivals, you’re pretty good.

Counterpoint: Jeah

http://bravemellark.tumblr.com/post/149104099372/jacobvrtanen-throwback-london-2012-ryan

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Playlist of the Month: National Anthems

Posted in Miscellany by

Obscure individual sports aren’t the only thing we care about once every four years during the Olympics. We’re also temporarily interested in a musical category that we don’t bother with otherwise: national anthems. National anthems always sound kind of like church music and kind of like an easy classical piece you’d play in a 4th grade band concert. The lyrics – even when you speak the language – are all run-on sentences and jingoism. Yet when gold-medal athletes tear up during their national anthems, we can’t help but get a little emotional. As residents of a country with a hard-to-sing, hard-to-remember national anthem, we also have some anthem envy. We still love the Star- Spangled Banner for sentimental reasons, but these non-US anthems have become the soundtrack to our Olympic games:

Great Britain

Heard at medal ceremonies for: Cycling, Rowing, Gymnastics, Swimming, Track

You know why Americans co-opted this song and changed the lyrics to a crazy run-on sentence in My Country ‘Tis Of Thee? Because it is a 17th century plainchant melody for which various lyrics were used to accommodate numerous secular or religious purposes. Because the melody sounds so much better than The Star-Spangled Banner. Thanks, Great Britain. You’re the greatest. The lyrics are still kind of dopey – rhyming victorious, glorious and over us? – so it loses points there.

Switzerland

Heard at medal ceremonies for: Cycling, Rowing

Switzerland: so peaceful, their national anthem sounds like a nice lullaby. Have I made up lyrics that begin “Go to sleep, my Switzerland?” Yes. And you know what? I hope gentle, sleepy Switzerland rests well.

Italy

Heard at medal ceremonies for: Shooting, Fencing, Judo, Swimming, Cycling

Are you positive we’re not on a carousel? I don’t know about you, but I like my national anthems to make me feel like I’m enjoying a nice summer day at an amusement park by the seashore.

Oh Canada

 

Heard at medal ceremonies for: Swimming, Trampoline, Track and Field

Being from the part of NY that’s near Canada, you can count on a few things. Tim Hortons outnumber Starbucks in my city, I struggle at least weekly to get machines to accept Canadian coins, and I know Oh Canada about as well as I know the Star-Spangled Banner. A few of my nephews even sing Oh Canada (and the Star-Spangled Banner) before their living room hockey games. Anyway, if you’re from the north or watch a lot of hockey, you probably have some anthem envy for Oh Canada, especially the True North strong and free part.

Russia

Heard at medal ceremonies for: Fencing, Judo, Gymnastics

Is this the score played over the opening credits of an animated movie about Russia? I’ve never seen Anastasia (I know), but I’m assuming their national anthem is was the soundtrack sounds like.

China

Heard at medal ceremonies for: Weightlifting, Diving, Table Tennis

China’s bouncy and uplifting national anthem sounds like the theme song from Bonanza. Just imagine country hero Jackie Chan riding a horse through the country and galloping on the Great Wall. I think I was watching the live stream for a swimming medal ceremony, and the Australian commentator said, “It’s kind of a smart anthem, isn’t it?”, and the other Aussie replied, “Yeah it’s punchy.” Fair.

Hungary

Heard at medal ceremonies for: Swimming and Fencing

My initial thought was that this song could easily be used for a pairs figure skating routine, then started thinking that Hungary could be really good at ice skating? My thought process makes no sense, because I know barely anything about Hungary besides… goulash? Ugh ignorant American, so sorry. Anyways, they’ve only won 6 medals at the Winter Olympics, and all have been for figure skating. What I’m saying is that Hungarians love figure skating so much they incorporated it into their national anthem. But also they could have been inspired by their love of 1950s Disney films.

Thailand

Heard at medal ceremonies for: Weightlifting

Thailand’s anthem is so patriotic sounding that it’s one of those songs that makes me think I know the lyrics. I don’t.

Japan

Heard at medal ceremonies for: Swimming, Gymnastics

If I said John Williams composed this would you believe me? Yes, because this is exactly the type of track he’d make for a Steven Spielberg movie set during Japanese war times. For the record, he didn’t compose this.

 

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The Margaret Abbott Awards For Baffling Treatment of Female Olympians

Posted in Miscellany by

There’s been a lot of talk surrounding the sexism that’s been happening at the Olympics over the past week, with men being “responsible” for female athletes’ victories and descriptors such as “wife of famous football player”, etc. So with this in mind, we decided to take a look back at the history of females at the Olympics, and we have learned a lot, y’all.

First of all, despite the fact the first Olympics kicked off in Athens in 1896, women were not included in the competition. Obviously. It wasn’t until 1900 when the second Games were held in Paris and 22 of the 997 athletes were females. They eased into the competition by only participating in “ladylike” sports such as golf, tennis and yachting.

Among the athletes was golfer Margaret Abbott, who was the first American woman to win an Olympic event (she even beat out her novelist mother Mary Abbott, who placed seventh). But we can’t even call her a “gold medalist”, because the 19000 Games were the only Olympics at which winner received valuable artifacts instead of the gold, silver or bronze. Instead, Margaret went home with a porcelain bowl.  On the plus side, there was some gold in it…?

But the gag here friends is that Margaret didn’t even realize she was competing in the Olympics. She lit’rally died not knowing she was a “gold medalist”, let alone the first female to win such an honor. Since it was just the second Olympics ever, the Games were more or less what we call a “shit show”. First of all, they took place over a five-month period between May and October during the 1900 World’s Fair in Paris. The French sports union decided they were in charge because the Games were taking place at the World’s Fair. The International Olympic Committee, which was fairly new at the time, was all, ‘I guess they’re right, we should give them control’. Because of this, most of the Olympic Games didn’t even have the word “Olympics” attached to it, with the press using terms such as “International Championships” or “Grand Prix of the Paris Exposition”.

So it makes sense Margaret thought it was just another competition like any other. She died in 1955, and it wasn’t until after her passing that historical research established the event and her win as an official Olympics victory. Can you imagine?? Mags is a historical figure in the world of sports and she probably just used that porcelain bowl to serve her husband a fresh summer salad!

While women’s sports has clearly come a long way since 1900 (thankfully that long skirt uniform has been done away with), we’ve still got some ways to go with equality, and that’s unfortunately been prominent in Rio over the past few days.

In recognition of Margaret and her lack of knowledge as an Olympian, we’ve decided to introduce The Abbies in honor of her achievements that went unrecognized – by giving it to the folks who have made some questionable sexist comments throughout the Games so far. Just like the 1900 Games, we’re handing out bowls, but these are based on level of baffling commentary from critics who should just take a seat. With these bowls at their side.

Gold Bowl = Ultimate dirtbag in dirtbaggery contest

Silver Bowl = Sucks the big one

Bronze Bowl = Still not OK, but willing to let slide

Dan ‘He’s Responsible’ Hicks

Longtime NBC commentator Dan Hicks hit headlines after the 400m individual medley in swimming, when Hungarian swimmer Katinka Hosszu won the gold but also shattered the previous world record. During the program, he noted that Katinka’s husband and coach, Shane Tusup is “the man responsible” for making his wife the swimming champion she is today. Viewers were quick to take note of Dan’s wording, because, homegirl just killed it in the pool, yet this dry dude on the sidelines is “responsible” for the gold medal? OK. Dan Hicks later clarified his comments, saying, “It is impossible to tell Katinka’s story accurately without giving appropriate credit to Shane, and that’s what I was trying to do.”

There’s also more of a backstory with this couple, because apparently Shane’s poolside enthusiasm can turn scary, with other swimmers noting his extreme anger, calling it “inappropriate” and “not OK”. But again, Dan Hicks has an interesting view on his hard love, “It’s been a little disturbing to some of the other swimmers who have observed it,” he said on-air, according to the AP. “But he has turned her into a tiger in the pool.”

Dan Hicks is awarded… The GOLDEN ABBIE

Perfect for: The blood, sweat, and tears of Katinka, Shane Tusup in mini-form to stay afloat for all eternity

The Journalist Who Wrote This Headline

“Corey Cogdell, wife of Bears lineman Mitch Unrein, wins bronze in Rio”, is what Tim Bannon wrote as the headline to his article on Monday. Listen, as someone who writes news for a living, I have to play devil’s advocate here. This is a story for the Chicago Tribute, where the Chicago Bears are the kings and a point of reference that everyone reading will get. If his headline read, “Corey Cogdell wins bronze in Rio” everyone would be like, ‘WHO?’ ‘WHY DO WE CARE?’ then move on to the next article. Their angle is that Bears fans would be interested in someone close to the Bears organization is a medallist in the Olympics. That being said, I also understand why there has been such an uproar about this. She’s obviously much more than a football player’s wife and is her own person. It’s akin to when we say things like, “Calvin Harris’ ex-girlfriend, Taylor Swift” as opposed to “Multiple Grammy-winning artist Taylor Swift”. It subconsciously tells the reader that the person the article really is about is a secondary character in the narrative, which is clearly not the case. It’s just a necessary evil to write things like this sometimes.

Chicago Tribune Writer is awarded… The BRONZE ABBIE

Perfect for: A selection of better words

It’s About To Be A What? A Girl Fight

(Sidenote: do y’all remember that Girlfight song? No? Ok, moving on) Majlinda Kelmendi of Kosovo became the country’s first ever Olympic medallist after winning the gold in judo, which according to a BBC commentator is not a sport, but rather a “catfight”. Or at least that’s what he described the match as. A “CATFIGHT”.

BBC Commentator is awarded… The GOLD ABBIE

Perfect for: The remains of the BBC commentator if he ever had to be in a real “Catfight” with gold medallist Majlinda.

“Female Michael Phelps”

Katie Ledecky, 19 years old,  won four gold medals and a silver in the 2016 Olympics. She set a world record for the 400-meter freestyle … then she broke it herself. She finished the 800-meter freestyle so quickly that she had 11 seconds to cool her heels before the silver medalist even reached the wall. All of this is enough for the Daily Mail to name Ledecky the “female Michael Phelps.” For its part, NBC commentator Rowdy Gaines remarked that “some people say she swims like a man” before telling us why that’s false. Few things here:

A.) “Some people say” is a tired vehicle for introducing opinions a journalist or commentator doesn’t want to own (see also: “some people say women aren’t funny” in any interview with a female comedian).

B.) “Some people” need to stop saying a woman does something “like a man” when she does it well. Clearly Katie Ledecky swims like a woman since she, you know, is one.

These Male Rita Skeeters are awarded… The SILVER ABBIE

Perfect for: Serving alphabet soup so they can figuratively eat their words.

NBC Doesn’t Think Female Sports Fans Exist

Annoyed by NBC’s tape delay and bizarrely packaged primetime coverage? Blame women. According to NBC chief marketing officer and slant-smiled bag of dirt John Miller, we wanted it this way so the Olympic events would remind us less of sports and more of the Bachelorette: “The people who watch the Olympics are not particularly sports fans. More women watch the games than men, and for the women, they’re less interested in the result and more interested in the journey. It’s sort of like the ultimate reality show and miniseries wrapped into one.”

NBC also broadcasts NFL football (45% female viewership) and NHL hockey (42% female viewership). But since they don’t think women are “particularly sports fans,” perhaps they wouldn’t miss nearly half of their audience if we went elsewhere.

John Miller is awarded … The GOLD ABBIE

Perfect for: Potpourri made of the discarded petals of past rose ceremonies.

Let’s Go To The Mall!

The U.S. Women’s Gymnastics Team – the Final Five – are a group of powerhouse athletes who easily won the team gold medal, the gold and silver all-around individual medals, the vault gold and the beam silver and bronze. In addition to their superhuman strength and tremendous drive, the teammates are kind and supportive of each other, offering hugs and encouraging words because when one of them succeeds, they all succeed. Or, in the words of NBC gymnastics announcer Jim Watson when the team was talking among themselves on the sidelines, “they might as well be standing around at the mall.”

While we always welcome an opportunity to burst into a chorus of Let’s Go To The Mall, we have to point out that these athletes don’t really hit the mall too often what with their focus on world domination. Watson followed up “Don’t boys hang out in malls too? I did.” They do, but something tells me Jim wouldn’t have said the same thing about, for instance, the US men’s basketball team.

Jim Watson is awarded …. the SILVER ABBIE

Perfect for: Serving Orange Julius, one of the premier mall foods.

 

 

Trolls Go Low

During the Olympics it’s fine to express your opinions on the games and the athletes on social media — within the bounds of decency. If you’re complaining about or even complimenting someone in a way you wouldn’t face-to-face, don’t @ them and theoretically force them to respond. And if the range of things you WOULD say to someone’s face includes racist or sexist insults, don’t @ them then either… in fact, don’t write it at all. During the games, some viewers have decided that Gabby Douglas was disrespectful to the flag or unsupportive of her team. That, alone, isn’t really the problem. It’s the onslaught of truly vile Twitter trolling that has followed.

Considering the trolling has included the complaints that Douglas doesn’t smile enough, needs to change her hair or has had breast implants, it’s safe to say that the online harassment has taken a gendered edge.

The Internet is awarded … the Silver Abbie

Perfect for: A nice helping of Alphabits cereal, any random 140 characters from which you could create better tweets.

Fox News Had To Say Something Too

It wouldn’t be a celebration of journalistic disappointments if Fox News didn’t crash the party. Fox, a network that doesn’t broadcast the Olympic games, got in on the action with a segment about whether or not female athletes should wear makeup. Sure! Or don’t! Who cares!

On their website, Fox News frames the question as why female athletes “feel the need” to wear makeup, as though they might not just want to. Or not. Again, who cares.

Weighing in on the issue: Bo Dietl and Mark Simone, two men.

Fox News is awarded…. the GOLD ABBIE

Perfect for: stashing some nice cold cream to take all that makeup off. I prefer good old Pond’s.

We’d love to call this our first and last Margaret Abbott Awards For Baffling Treatment Of Female Olympians, but let’s be real. This picture of Margaret Abbott was taken over 100 years ago, and seems to depict her standing around waiting for a man to get with it.

Friends, I think she’s still waiting. Chances are, we’ll be back at it awarding another round of Abbies for the 2018 Winter Olympic games. And possibly for regular sports before that. Change is coming, but if ol’ Maggie Abbott has taught us anything, it’s that sometimes you have to wait 50 years to find out what that porcelain bowl was for.

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Mid-Olympics Round Up

Posted in Miscellany by

It seems like the Opening Ceremonies just happened, but we are now halfway through the 2016 Olympic Games. Crazy, right? We like our athletic competitions with a heavy dose of pop culture and human interest stories – so while most Olympics recaps will focus on who won what, we’re more interested in the hilarious, inspiring and hard-to-believe moments of the games. Here’s our round up of some of the most captivating moments of the Rio games so far:

Tonga Changed Lives

Dropping The Racket And Getting The Point

Raise your hand if you would’ve just given up and fell to the ground in agonizing defeat.

I Don’t Think The Leg’s Supposed To Bend That Way

French gymnast Samir Ait Said, and expected medal contender, landed completely wrong after going on the vault, leaving him in pain and had to be carted away on a stretcher. Turns out his left leg had a double break but he’s miraculously already back on his feet and on the mend. Obviously he can’t compete in the Games anymore, but at least he can walk! GRAPHIC IMAGE OF HIS 90 DEGREE LEG BELOW:

The Summer of Leslie Jones Continues

SNL star Leslie Jones got unwanted attention on Twitter when she had to put racist and sexist trolls on blast, but she also garnered support from the thousands of other nice human beings with the Love For Leslie J tag and even got the attention of Twitter bosses to help change their policies. This time around, she’s trending for a much more positive reason, thanks to her energetic tweets, pix and videos supporting Team USA. Former SNL producer/Late Night with Seth Meyers producer Mike Shoemaker took note of Leslie’s posts, and got the attention of Jim Bell, the executive producer of NBC’s Olympics coverage, and next thing you know, he officially offered Leslie a correspondent job at the Games and she’s down in Rio giving her commentary live! The power of social media, y’all.

And she’s been killin it at the Olympics too:

So What Do You Say To Second Chances

Laurie Hernandez MVP of Life and the Olympics

She also winked at the judges before her final floor routine during the team all-around, so she’s basically our favorite.

https://www.tumblr.com/gymnasticswalrus/148749088226/i-got-this

Ellie Downie Gets Knocked Down But Gets Back Up Again

17-year-old British gymnast Ellie Downie, another medal contender, was in the middle of her floor routine for the qualifying round when she turned too slowly on one of the passes and basically landed on her neck. It was scary (as evidenced below) and she decided it didn’t feel right and had to walk away without finishing. She got checked out and instead of pulling out, she surprisingly returned for the vault and help move the Great Britain team to the finals.

The Most Enthusiastic Chinese Athlete

Fu Yuanhui placed third in the semifinals of the 100m backstroke, but she thought she placed fourth until this reporter told her she was one second faster than she thought. Her response: “I was so fast!” This video went viral and here we are obsessed with her and her hipster glasses and dorkiness.

Aly Raisman’s Parents

Lynn & Rick continue their 2012 streak of being the best and most stressed parents in the stands. Katie Ledecky’s parents come in a close second.

 Name All The Babies Simone

August 11th, 2016: A really great day for Olympians named Simone.

A) Simone Biles lived up to expectations and won the gold for the all around competition. She also cried when she finally won, which is emotion she’s never really shown before. Whereas I tend to cry every 5 seconds during the Olympics.

B) Simone Manuel, who didn’t exactly have as much attention on her as Simone Biles, seemingly came out of nowhere (to pedestrian swimming fans) to win the women’s 100m freestyle and tied for gold. On top of that, she scored an Olympic record and became the first black American woman to win an individual swimming event. Basically, she is now America’s hero athlete and should probably be on the Wheaties box now? 

Monica Puig’s First Gold for Puerto Rico

Puerto Rico isn’t doing great (short recap: the US gov’t attracted business to PR with corporate tax breaks which expired in 2006; financial collapse followed; PR borrowed money by issuing municipal bonds – mainly to private investors; the gov’t cannot repay their debt obligations; the island isn’t eligible to file for bankruptcy or seek funds from the IMF; terrible budget cuts have ensued;  yikes). But last week, Puerto Rico got a much-needed morale boost from Monica Puig, the first-ever athlete to win a gold medal for the island. Even more amazing, she was unseeded and beat the #2 seed, Angelique Kerber, for the win after rounds of improbable victories. The crowd chanted ‘si se puede’ and we both definitely cried.

In related news, I have a lot of Puerto Rican relatives-in-law – a few of whom are tennis pros – and literally every one of them used the word ‘wepa’ in their Facebook statuses that night.

We Want To Hold Ryan Held

Ryan Held was overcome with emotion during the medal ceremony after winning the 4×100 meter relay and began crying during the national anthem. Then WE began crying during the national anthem — not because we felt bad for him, but because we were so happy for his success and because masculinity is a prison and we’re so proud when someone breaks out.

Katie Ledecky Is Waiting

Katie Ledecky finished her race before any other swimmers were even in the frame. It’s fine; she can wait.

The Pool Looks Bad

The pools in Rio, while technically safe, look very murky and gross thanks to an interaction between peroxide and chlorine. It has since been drained. I’m sure this did nothing to help public confidence in the Brazilian water quality.

7th Best Steeplechaser In The World With One Shoe

Ethiopian steeplechaser Etenesh Diro (ranked 4 in the world) lost her shoe with two and a half laps left in the race. She still finished seventh and advanced to the finals. If you had any delusions that Olympians really are like you and me, now’s the time to let them die.

Phelps Face

We’ve already discussed this, but Michael Phelps’ grouchy face earned him the coveted (?) prize of most memed athlete of the 2016 Olympic games. He also won a few other competitions this week, so it’s fine.

Teach Us How To Say Goodbye

First of all, we’ve reached that point where Hamilton has so saturated popular culture that news outlets feel the need to show off that they know what it is. Second, One Last Time from Hamilton is the only proper way to express how we feel about Michael Phelps’ final race, so we don’t at all blame NBC for going there. Twenty-three gold medals and 16 years since we were first introduced to the 15-year-old baby Olympian, it’s time to teach us how to say goodbye. Enjoy your vine and fig tree, Michael.

 

Ryan Lochte Reaches Peak Ryan Lochte

Just when you thought Ryan Lochte had reached his maximum ‘jeah’ level he bleaches his hair, gets distracted playing with a bend-y thing when Michael needs him, and – best of all – responds to BRAZILIAN KIDNAPPERS with a simple ‘whatever’ when robbed at gunpoint.

“We got pulled over, in the taxi, and these guys came out with a badge, a police badge, no lights, no nothing just a police badge and they pulled us over. They pulled out their guns, they told the other swimmers to get down on the ground — they got down on the ground. I refused, I was like we didn’t do anything wrong, so — I’m not getting down on the ground. And then the guy pulled out his gun, he cocked it, put it to my forehead and he said, ‘Get down,’ and I put my hands up, I was like ‘whatever.’ He took our money, he took my wallet — he left my cell phone, he left my credentials.”

Oh, Ryan. Then he said that Michael Phelps would be back in 2020 (wishful thinking, maybe?) and his best bro was forced to tell a major news outlet that Ryan “doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

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Real or Not Real? Olympic Sports Edition

Posted in Miscellany by

I’m assuming like most of the world’s citizens, we’re not experts on any of these Olympic sports, but any time we ever spend more than an hour watching something like synchronized diving, we immediately consider ourselves at-home-commentators who’ve suddenly become qualified to literally judge the sport from our couch.

https://www.tumblr.com/freekicks/148570640316/i-love-watching-the-olympics-i-know-nothing-about

But we know the truth. I forget synchronized diving is a thing people train for a month after cheering for David Boudia as he wins a silver medal. I forget synchronized diving is even a sport all together! So while all of us couch potatoes are obviously on the verge of becoming professional athletes, there are some sports that we might need to brush up on. Canoe Slalom? Rhythmic Gymnastics? Croquet? JK That last one isn’t a real sport. But can you tell the difference between these real and fake Olympic Sports? Time to brush up on your athletic knowledge.

Softball

Softball: the sport that is for women! Because we can’t possibly handle a smaller ball to hit with a bat!

Sport Or Not A Sport?

Softball is… not an Olympic sport! Not anymore. It WAS when the Olympics began in 1936, but in 2005, the IOC decided to discontinue Softball and it was played for the last time in 2008, when the gold medal was won by Japan. This was the only time the U.S. did not win the gold, and ended up with silver. There are a lot of theories as to why the IOC decided to pull the plug on softball, and one of them is that the U.S. was simply too dominant in the sport and were like, ‘um forget it. We can’t keep handing these gold medals to the Americans.’

Golf

Fun fact: I used to be super into golf. The PGA Championship was held in Rochester one year, and I went and saw Tiger from afar and other pro golfers in the flesh. Then I randomly got into it and would spend my Sunday afternoons with a tournament on the TV. What I’m saying is that I’m actually a pro-golfer and I’ve been lying about my other job this entire time.

Sport Or Not A Sport?

Golf… IS an Olympic sport! The Rio Olympics are the first time Golf has been played since 1904. And before that, it was only played in 1900. Golf at the Olympics are set up as an individual competition, so it’s none of that Ryder Cup group mentality. It’s every man and woman for themselves. Interestingly, a bunch of the world’s top golfers, like many anthletes, decided to pull out of the Olympics because of Zika. They’ll just continue to be bit by mosquitoes everywhere else.

Rugby Sevens

Rugby is cool. It’s popular in New Zealand, it’s more intense than American football, and you pass backwards. The offsides rules make no sense. There’s normal rugby, and there’s rugby sevens – 7 players vs 7 players with 7-minute periods. (I briefly dated a doofy rugby player when I was like 20, it is what it is).  The players from NZ do cool chants.

Sport Or Not A Sport?

Rugby Sevens… IS an Olympic sport! And 2016 is its debut year. I happened to be home when a women’s rugby sevens match was on this weekend and it was actually really, really fun. Men’s finals are on Thursday and the women’s competition is over. It was Australia v New Zealand which we bet is a big rivalry!

Trampoline

My word association with trampolines:

Sport Or Not A Sport?

Trampoline… IS a sport! The moves from Saved By the Bell’s Hot Sundae music video are not the same thing they do on the Olympic level.

Equestrian Vaulting

Did anyone ever watch that move Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken? It sounds like a slogan that would be on a t-shirt from Forever 21 along with a photo of, you know, a wistful girl in a flower crown, but I promise that it’s real. It’s about a girl who used to be a horse diver – like, took a living horse to the top of a platform and dove into water in the 1920s when that passed for entertainment – until she went deaf from horse diving. Or maybe the horse did. In any case, that’s how I imagine Equestrian Vaulting – a horse jumping over or from a tall thing.

The reality is so much better. Equestrian vaulting is “gymnastics or dance on horseback” – like dressage, but where the human is the one doing the fancy stuff. That is so hardcore. There are so many equestrian events that equestrian vaulting as an Olympic sport sounds entirely plausible.

Sport Or Not A Sport?

Equestrian Vaulting is … not an Olympic sport. But it was in 1932 when people were still really into doing weird things with horses, and if dedicated vaulters have their way, it would be back. We support this motion.

Lacrosse

Was Lacrosse a really big sport at everyone’s high school or was that just in like, Western New York?

Sport Or Not A Sport?

Lacrosse… is NOT an Olympic sport. It was only a sport in 1904 and 1908, and both times Canada won. There were demonstration events at three Olympics, but those net sticks haven’t helped anyone win a medal in over 100 years.

Tug of War

Yes, THAT Tug of War that you played in elementary school gym and had rope burns on your hands for the rest of the day.

Sport Or Not A Sport?

Tug of War… is NOT an Olympic sport. But believe it or not, it definitely used to be! And it lasted longer than both Lacrosse and Golf, as it was a team event between 1900 and 1920. Tug of War in gym class would make so much more sense if we could’ve been building up to be Olympic athletes

Roller Hockey

When I hear Roller Hockey, I think first of all of children from the 1990s wearing neon kneepads playing on roller blades in a driveway with a net in front of a garage door. (I think this because that happened in my childhood.)

Then, I think second of Roller Derby, and surmise that there are sassy nicknames, lots of fishnets, and more than a little violence.

Upon further research, roller hockey is played by athletic adults on four-wheeled skates with sticks more resembling field hockey sticks. It seems legit enough to have sneaked into an Olympics or two.

Sport Or Not A Sport?

Roller Hockey is … not an Olympic a sport. But at was in 1992 in Barcelona, which is apt because it is the most 1992-sounding sport I can think of.

Water Skiing

Weird water sports are an Olympic favorite, and skiing is hugely popular in the winter games. Water skiing conjures images of synchronized human pyramids and music videos featuring The Go-Gos. Without checking, I would almost guarantee that it is not an Olympic sport because most sports don’t use things like engines.

Sport Or Not A Sport?

Water skiing is… not an Olympic sport. However, it WAS a “demonstration sport” at the 1972 games in Munich, which is way closer than I thought it was to being an Olympic sport. There was FIGURE SKIING.

Cricket

Here are the things I know about cricket:

  • It’s like worse baseball.
  • Whenever my brother, who writes for an online outlet, does an article about the cricket tournaments in India he gets like a bazillion hits.
  • They play it in this one episode of Road to Avonlea, an early 90s CBC show about Canadian children from the 1800s.
  • It’s not croquet, which is different.
  • They play it in Great Britain and India, mostly.
  • Named after a friendly bug.
Sport or not a sport? 

Cricket is…. not an Olympic sport.

It was featured in the 1900 Olympic games, cricket proponents would like to bring it back, but cricket hasn’t been an Olympic sport for over a century.

Canoe Sprint

Canoeing – kayaking’s chilled-out older brother – can get fairly intense. It can involve small teams, like a bobsled race. There can be a cool outdoor venue and inspirational athletes who have competed since childhood. All of that points to sport.

My Google research tells me that canoe sprint can actually involve canoes OR kayaks, and is conducted on smooth water. It kind of resembles smaller-scale rowing.

Sport Or Not A Sport?

Canoe sprint … IS an Olympic sport! An Olympic Sport taking place next week. It actually looks really athletic and fun and is one of the last remaining sports that I can pretend that I could still take up.

Flonkerton

Is Flonkerton even a word?

Sport Or Not A Sport?

Flonkerton … is NOT an Olympic sport! It’s not even a real sport! It’s a fake sport from the fake Office Olympics on The Office. And at the Opening Olympics, it kinda looked like they were playing Flonkerton!

Cheers Chats #7: Thanksgiving Orphans

Posted in Entertainment by

It’s Thanksgiving in July! We’re back for more Cheers and we’re chatting turkey and food fights and possibly the show’s best episode ever.

Episode 5.9: Thanksgiving Orphans

Originally aired: November 27th, 1986

Netflix synopsis: Diane is among a select few graduate students one of her professors has asked to spend Thanksgiving with his family, in the pilgrim tradition.

Previously, on Cheers

T: We’ve skipped an entire season and it happens to be Coach’s last season. Nicholas Colasanto passed away in real life from a heart attack, but in the show, they didn’t really explain how he died. Woody Harrelson comes in to replace him and he not only replaces Coach as another bartender, but as the one to tell all the stupid jokes now. For some reason I can tolerate it way more than Coach?  

Case in point, the first joke in the cold open:

“Boy, it seems like Christmas comes earlier every year, doesn’t it?” Sam

“I think if you check, Sam, it always comes on the 25th of December.” Woody

M: “This is my first Thanksgiving away from home. I mean, unless you count last year” – my boo, Woody.

I kind of feel bad that I said before that Coach was the character they kept around in case they needed something bad to happen to somebody but also … accurate?

T: Sam and Diane aren’t back together but still mackin’ on each other. At the end of season 4, when Sam is dating Kate Mulgrew, the finale ends with a cliffhanger in which he calls someone and asks the person on the other end to marry him. However, it wasn’t until the S5 premiere that we find out it’s Diane. She makes him propose again in a more romantic way, but then she says no because she feels like she’s his rebound from Kate Mulgrew, making Diane even more annoying. Ever since, they’ve been on and off and it’s like fahkin get it together people.

M: Carla, I think, had another baby, right? And I now have a theory that Cheers is to blame for show runners thinking audiences love “will they/won’t they” romances.

T: Oh and Frasier stuck around. Probs because he has a spin-off to look forward to.

So What Had Happened Was…

(Basic recap of the episode’s main plot)

T: Diane’s professor invites select guests to a Thanksgiving dinner much like Professor Slughorn’s Slug Club Christmas party. But she ends up at Carla’s with the rest of the gang after she showed up at the Slug Club only to find out she had only been invited to serve as a waitress.

M: I got so excited when I saw we were writing about a Thanksgiving episode – usually some of my favorite sitcom eps!

Did we even know that Diane was still in school? I thought she was like 30. By the way, Diane is an 80s Muggle Hermione Granger what with all her sucking up to the professor. Except, you know, not written by JK Rowling.

T: Carla holds Thanksgiving at her new place (right next to the airport), but everyone’s got their own problems. Norm, who brought a frozen turkey to Thanksgiving, has a big fight with Vera, Sam’s date doesn’t show up, while Fraiser is annoyed with the guys constantly moving the TV.

M: It’s neither here nor there, but Carla’s apartment set is where the change in aspect ratio for Netflix really stood out. There were just like 3 feet of plain white wall above her wallpaper and paneling.

T: The tension in the room is so palpable but it’s finally broken with a food fight, resulting in the best scene to date.

T: Plus they cheered for Coach, which was almost enough for me to cry.

M: So far, this is the first of our Cheers Chats episodes that I would recommend to someone who had never seen the show so they’d understand how great it is.

T: Sidenote: I love Woody’s friendship with Diane it’s so tender.

Carla’s My Boo

T: Woody says he’s thankful he can do  a weird thing with his tongue, and everyone’s response is to do weird shit too. Sam licks his plate for some reason and Carla has her leg wrapped around her head which explains why she has 8 children.

Shut Up, Diane

T: Perfect example of Diane needing to shut up is when she makes everyone go around and say what they’re thankful for. She gets up and says:

“…But on this very special occasion, my mind goes back over the years to the people who have influenced me. And I would like to name some of them for you. Teilhard Chardin, George Sand, Caravaggio. Oh, Emily Dickinson, the Buddha, Frank Lloyd Wright [time jump cut] Jean d’Arc, Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop.”

M: I was picturing Lisa Simpson’s Thanksgiving centerpiece the whole time:

It featured Georgia O’Keefe and Susan B Anthony.

 

M: I do feel a little sorry for Diane in her Pilgrim outfit grumbling that serving as waitstaff for her professor might be okay when you’re a “wide-eyed 19 year old, but not when you’re… not.” Which I guess answered my question about whether she’s a mature student.

T: Diane has to be a party pooper and attempt to end the food night and she gets all Red Ross like when Ross’ angry side comes out when he plays rugby on Friends. 

Little Ditty About Sam & Diane

T: Diane gets jealous and whines about Sam having a date for Thanksgiving.

“Besides, I know that we’ll have many holidays together when you and I are one.” Diane

“You already are one, Diane.” Sam

M: “I’m thankful that I have a super car and a cool stereo and I’m not wearing a pilgrim outfit” – SAMUEL. Just make out with her.

T: Diane is all cutesy with Sam after his date ends up spending TGives with her sister instead of going to TGives at Carla’s

No, I’m serious. I had a date and it fell through. Sam

Oh, you don’t have to convince me, Sam. I believe you. Diane

I’m telling you the truth. Sam

And I love you for it. Diane

T: Sam is the first to throw beets? And at Diane, no less.

LLOL

(Literal Laugh Loud Loud moments from the episode)

There’s a scene where the guys are sitting around the TV watching a WWF match featuring Hulk Hogan. The actual scene wasn’t necessarily funny but LOL at Hulk Hogan

Just sort of generally everything Woody said was great. Not the words, but the delivery.

“The little pop thing has a name, can we all say thermometer” – Frasier. Then everyone says “thermometer,” but angrily.

“Please, please! We are not here to be thankful for strange things we can do with our bodies.” Diane

Diane tries to get back at Sam and she attempts to throw a pie at him, but lands right on the face of Vera, who decides to come after all. WE ALMOST SAW VERA’S FACE. Is she like Mr. Kim or Wilson from Home Improvement. And apparently this is the only time we “see” Vera in the whole series.

M: When the food fight starts in earnest, Diane tries to break it up with a guttural yell like she’s Leslie Knope v. Eagleton.

Say It Again, Sam

(Memorable lines from the episode. Not exclusively from Sam Malone.)

 “This time of year is filled with arguments, suicides, murders. Yeah, I guess it’s the seasonal happiness of others tends to throw a glaring light on the flaws in our own interpersonal relationships. But see, of course, that’s no problem for me. I’m alone.” Fraiser

“Are you kiddin’? I did my part this year. I was in “Hands Across America,” remember?” Cliff refusing to volunteer at the soup kitchen for TGives with his mom

“Oh, who the hell do we think we’re kidding? We’re all a bunch of pathetic dropouts. Scorned by our loved ones, as if anybody ever loved us at all.” Fraiser

Cheers Queries

T: What ever happened to Woody’s hometown girlfriend? I don’t think they ever explained that.

T: Why is Norm the only one in charge of the turkey? Why don’t they try to help?

M: Couldn’t they have at least started with the sides when they were warm?

Barfly Fashion

Diane’s Thanksgiving Outfit

She describes this as “An absolutely authentic example of feminine colonial headwear.”

Carla’s leopard print shirt

Carla’s got a new stylist and it’s called the effects of the ’80s.

Sam’s plaid jacket

It’s Thanksgiving, not Easter, Sam. But also it might not be clear in this pic, but he is V tan.

Woody’s red sweater

More specifically the napkin. It’s to do with the napkin.

Final Thoughts

Next Up: We are basing our watch list off of AV Club’s 10 Episodes That Show How Cheers Stayed Great For 11 Seasons. We’re going chronologically, so stop by next month when we’ll discuss season six, episode 23, Bar Wars.

 

Playlist of the Month: YouTube Superstars

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by

Back in the early 2000s, we thought American Idol was going to change the way artists broke into the music business. It seemed so democratic – WE could pick the next singing sensation instead of waiting for music execs to tell us! We didn’t see the bigger change on the horizon. Since YouTube was founded in 2005, anybody with a camera and an internet connection can exhibit their talent to a potential audience of millions. The result: some of today’s top artists first gained worldwide exposure without even leaving their living rooms. With a mix of signed musicians and the more internet-famous, here are some of the best YouTube-made artists (*that we actually know about – there’s a whole YouTube culture out there and frankly, we’re not hip to it).

Traci’s Picks

Karmin

Amy and Nick met while attending Berklee and posted covers of songs on YouTube, including this one of Look at Me Now by Chris Brown, Lil Wayne and Busta Rhymes. Busta Rhymes, who’s known for his mile a minute raps. And she clearly kills it. It went viral and even caught the attention of Ellen DeGeneres, who brought them on her show and all the exposure led them to a record deal. Their Look at Me Now vid has over 101 million views and they went on to find success with their subsequent album, including my jam off their Hello album – Brokenhearted. Not brokenhearted – Amy and Nick. They got married earlier this year.

Troye Sivan

If you don’t know who Troye Sivan, just ask your 20 year old cousin or intern at work. Troye is 21, which means he grew up posting covers of himself singing on YouTube, and he soon transitioned to being a vlogger, which is how he helped accrue his over 4 million subscribers and more than 243 million views. One of his vids even won him a Teen Choice Award. For real. A few years ago, he made a coming out video which gained a lot of traction, and next thing you know, he was named one of the 25 Most Influential Teens by Time magazine. He focused back on music and last year he released his first full studio album, with electropop jams like Wild and Youth. Seriously, y’all – he’s kind of a big deal.

Carly Rae Jepsen

Ok, so Carly found fame in Canada before this video went viral (see: Canadian Idol, third place season five), but she became a worldwide sensation after Justin Bieber posted this “star-studded” lip sync video. Not only is Ashley Tisdale in it, but Jelena stans were going crazy that their fave couple was showing off publicly. As we all know, Call Me Maybe became THE song of the summer, and one of the greatest pop hits of this decade. And now Carly Rae is a Pop Queen, and if you disagree, I implore you to listen to her latest album, E•MO•TION in its entirety and dare to argue with me afterwards.

Lennon and Maisy

We wrote about Lennon and Maisy when this blog was just a baby, because we were two of the millions of people who fell in love with these siblings’ covers on YouTube. Their videos also caught the attention of the folks over at Nashville (the show) and they moved to Nashville (the city) to star in the series, which they’ve been recurring characters for the past four seasons. And their harmonies are as on point as ever.

Justin Bieber

We all know Bieber’s story. I thought he was cute when I first saw these vids years ago. Then he went through some troubling times, and if we’re being honest, now I’m a Belieber. Sorry is still my boo, and you can’t convince me otherwise. Also, if you want to feel some emotions (no matter your views on Bieber), here’s Usher surprising the crowd at JB’s recent Atlanta tour to sing U Got It Bad.

Molly’s Picks

Postmodern Jukebox

Before YouTube, people performing covers – even creative, beautifully arranged covers – were confined mostly to open mike nights or coffeehouse gigs. Now a wider audience can see that covers aren’t just someone else’s song: they’re a way to reimagine lyrics and melody to create something completely new. Enter Postmodern Jukebox. Their tagline is “today’s hits, yesterday” and they perform modern, popular songs in a way they might have sounded at a juke joint 60 years ago.

Chloe and Halle

They’ve been dubbed the “first superstars of the Beyonce Generation” – gaining fame on YouTube, landing a guest spot on Ellen, visiting the White House and ultimately appearing in Lemonade and performing at the BET Awards. These sisters are also talented, sweet, and the recipients of some seriously top-shelf genes. Nice generation, B.

Alessia Cara

Before Alessia’s ‘can’t I just stay home’ anthem (Here) was all over the airwaves, she made her name performing YouTube covers from her Canadian home. In just a few years she went from this one cover of Sweater Weather that everyone was sharing to supporting Coldplay on tour and winning a Juno.

Leroy Sanchez

Couldn’t resist going Double YouTube on this one. Leroy Sanchez is a YouTuber from Spain, and while he usually sings in English, Bieber’s Sorry sounds even better in Spanish.

Nick Pitera

Like Postmodern Jukebox, I like that this artist offers something that you wouldn’t hear on the radio. Namely: covering both the male and female parts in songs in a way that’s almost superhuman. It’s almost impossible to listen to one of his medleys without smiling. Guys. He even covered that song from Home Alone and Adele’s Hello in three octaves.