Remember Titanic Mania? That Was Weird, Right?

103 years ago today, the Titanic met its tragic fate. And 17 years ago today, we were all being tacky as hell. The Titanic craze of 1997-1998 was unlike any media phenomenon I’ve experienced before or since, both in how pervasive and fanatical it was, and also in that we all sort of acted super questionable.

Let’s recap a bit in case you’ve forgotten about Titanic Mania, were too young for it, or just weren’t paying attention. First, the Titanic sank. It was 1912 and a lot of people died and it was, of course, very sad. Fast forward 80-some years to late 1997. James Cameron directed a giant historical epic about the event, starring teen sensations Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet. That’s when things got weird.

For as long as cinema has existed, we haven’t been able to resist portraying real-life tragedies on-screen. Want to guess how long the first Titanic movie was released after the sinking? 29 days. Not even a full month, unless the month was February, which of course it wasn’t because every mid-90s tween has the date “April 15, 1912” etched onto their soul. There were actually three Titanic movies released in 1912 alone, so it’s not like I think that James Cameron’s Titanic was unusually iffy.

The way we all reacted to that movie though – that’s what was weird. We just lost it. Keep in mind, this was a movie about a real-life disaster, and survivors were even still alive at the time. You’d think we would have maintained a bit of decorum, or solemnity, or SOMETHING, but that sunken boat became a pop culture figure along the lines of Mickey Mouse or Rocky.

Real.

We had reasons, sort of. We were both obsessed, but we were also in sixth grade. It was the beginning of being interested in “grown-up” romances instead of kid stuff, making it much more touching and serious. I was rewatching Titanic a few years ago – mind you, I could rewatch Titanic in my brain any time I wanted because I still have it memorized thanks to that two-cassette pack I got for my 12th birthday – anyway, it jumped out at me that Rose and Jack had known each other for, like, four days max. They had all the emotional investment of a one-night stand. No wonder Old Rose hadn’t mentioned the story to her family. “I’m really sad about this guy I went out Irish Dancing with one time then banged in a car and he died 80 years ago?” Get a grip, Grams.

You know, like most randos you hooked up with when you were 17.

Even though Rose and Jack were two teenagers creating the 1912 version of nude selfies, in 1998 they represented a long-gone era of decorum. The winter all of the news stations were focused on the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, we wanted stories about ladies and gentlemen. Maybe that was why even people over the age of 15 lost their cool. But what happened next… I don’t have an excuse for that.

It’s like this. Liking a movie about a horrific tragedy is pretty normal. Holding themed club nights about the tragedy is not. It’s not just that Titanic sold a lot of tickets. Here are some of wacky things that we did during Titanic mania:

  • You could buy reproductions of Rose’s Heart Of The Ocean necklace, a gift for a teen girl’s forced arranged marriage that she got painted in naked one time. If memory serves, the ads ran in USA Weekend for months, maybe years.
  • A local (Rochester, NY) club held “Titanic night” which sounds like an evening when a massive code violation results in the death of hundreds. Commercials played on our top 40 station, but I’ll never know what happened at Titanic Night because I was 11.

    You can still visit a Titanic club somewhere.

  • JC Penney sold t-shirts depicting the aforementioned teen bride and a boy who’s days away from death by freezing.

    It is a shirt with a dying man on it.

  • The Titanic soundtrack was a best-seller, and a follow-up soundtrack was even released. It was the first and only time in my life that it was really cool that I’m a good tin whistle player. Teens everywhere queued up fiddle music and Edwardian novelty songs (Come Josephine In My Flying Machine, anyone?), sat on our bedspreads, and had a good cry about the souls when went down with the ship.
  • That damn Celine Dion song. Everywhere. All the time. My favorite was the version where they interspersed clips of dialog into the song. There was also a club remix, which probably was played at that club’s Titanic Night.
  • Everyone had that one friend who saw the movie something like 13 times in the theater. This led to the film staying at the top of the box office for 15 straight weeks. I know this because I checked the box office reports every week to make sure Titanic was still at its rightful place.
  • In a pre-tumblr world, you would log onto Lycos and find AngelSites and GeoCities pages about the movie and the boat. I bet if you added up all the time I’ve spent on the internet in my life, a big chunk of it was spent trawling those sites. Most included a tinny midi file of My Heart Will Go On.
  • Just about every magazine launched a “Special Collector’s Issue” about the movie.
  • Titanic vacations allowed rich people to see a shipwreck/mass grave site up close. I wished I could be so rich.
  • The New York Times book list was full of books about Titanic, including then-50-year-old A Night To Remember and a nonfiction, full-color book about the making of the movie. Yeah, I checked the book charts weekly, too.
  • Kids threw “Titanic Parties.” Kids are stupid and the parties were tacky, including 11-year-old girls – commonly known to be the worst type of human – screaming “I’m The King Of The World!” throughout the graveyard where the frozen bodies of Titanic victims had been buried.

    SINKING SHIP WATERMELON BOWL. The grapes represent dead humans? But props to this mom for just being like “you want a Titanic party? Whatever. I’ll make lifeboat cupcakes.” I bet she’s fun.

  • It was also a popular prom theme… and you thought your prom was a disaster.
  • Websites popped up selling dress patterns so that you, too, could have the grace and panache of Rose Dewitt Bukater. I’m not ashamed to say that I would wear that swishy chiffon one right now.
  • In the area where sixth graders congregated before school, there was a massive snow-pile for the duration of the winter, as is typical of the North. What’s not typical is naming it after the iceberg that ultimately took the lives of thousands.
  • I won a game of charades by pantomiming Titanic.
  • Robert Ballard, who discovered the Titanic, visited my school to kick off a science program, the JASON project. A lot of 10-year-olds were suddenly very into marine biology.

Long after the film was released, Titanic Mania has lingered. In 2012 you could attend a cruise above the underwater gravesite, which hosted a huge fete on the 100-year anniversary of the sinking. You can visit Pinterest to learn to bake a Titanic cake, and tumblr has every Caledon Hockley gif you ever wanted.  But make no mistake: Titanic mania could never happen in the uniquely, grotesquely weird way it did today. We move through our obsessions more quickly than that. And although individuals joked about the story, the high-level schmaltz that pervaded our culture just wouldn’t stand. There would be jokey memes within the first day of release, and a #waterygrave hashtag in a week. Titanic mania was a strange combination of sentimentality and cheese. It was freaking weird, and I loved it, and my heart will go on.

 

I Believe In Fairy Tales: A Plea To #RenewMindy

Every year around this time, fans of TV shows that are “on the bubble” hold on for dear life and cross their fingers that network and cable executives renew their favorite shows. This wishin’ and hopin’ and prayin’ has become more of a dire straits situation over the past few years, since the television landscape has changed so drastically. It used to be that shows weren’t in danger of getting cancelled unexpectedly, even if the finale was a cliffhanger. But now, showrunners of bubble shows have to decide whether to make the season finale a combo platter of a series finale as well. Parks and Recreation executive producer Mike Schur has talked about how every year they thought they were going to get canceled, and that they wrote episodes in season three, four and twice in season five, that could have doubled as series finales. That’s the kind of TV world we live in now.

In saying that, it’s always sad to see a show get canceled before its time, or when you know that the material is better than the ratings report. Like how me and many others are still pissed off ABC bosses cancelled Happy Endings. In an effort to not repeat history, here’s my plea to save one of my personal favorite shows on the air, The Mindy Project.

As most of us already know, the brilliant Mindy Kaling landed her own show in 2012, one that she stars, writes and executive produces. It was a real Girl Power moment when the show got picked up, and as the show built up an impressive arsenal of hilarious episodes, the fan base grew fervent and here we are three seasons later. However, The Mindy Project, while acclaimed by critics and beloved by fans, doesn’t do so hot in the Neilsen ratings, which is obviously important to people like Fox. Although the viewer numbers don’t show the strong fan support, there is a prominent group of folks clamoring for a fourth season. And this post is to show my support. I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think Fox execs would actually cancel it, so you know this is serious. Here are just some reasons why we need The Mindy Project to live on, this upcoming season and seasons after.

Morgan and Tamra Reunion

Mindy (Kaling) has compared Morgan and Tamra to Ryan and Kelly from The Office – they’re in constant limbo in their relationship and it’s always a fine line as to whether they’re dating or not. But just like Ryan and Kelly, I feel like Morgan and Tamra’s walk into the sunset is inevitable. They’re both crazy in their own ways, but together, the crazy kind of balances out?

More Danny Dancing

The first time Dr. Daniel Castellano broke out into a dance to Aaliyah’s Try Again as a Secret Santa present for Mindy, I’m pretty sure I blacked out. My mouth was agape and I remember fanning myself with my hand to cool down the hormonal feels. It didn’t work. And then those sons of bitches upped their game with the season three premiere, in which Mindy finds out Danny used to be a stripper named Diamond Dan. Yeah, it was actually possible to top the Try Again scene. I’m still crying from his striptease (as seen above). If they can manage to up their game by using Pony, I can only imagine what they think of next.

Guest Star Potential

Starting with the pilot, TMP has seen its fair share of impressive guest stars, from Mindy’s Office pals Ed Helms and (soupsnake) BJ Novak to James Franco to Kris Jenner to Shonda Rhimes and Stephen Colbert, it’s like celebs are lining up to appear on the show. It reminds me of when Will & Grace had the most unexpected guest stars (hello Michael Douglas) but everyone wanted to be on the show because it was that good. Even in the finale, we got just a taste of one of my faves, The Mother herself, Cristin Milioti, who will probably end up dating Dr. Reed if it gets picked up for season four. And we need that. We need Cristin to have a run on a successful show!

We Need A Rom-Com

Mindy Kaling has said plenty of times before that she loves rom-coms. Her favorite movies include You’ve Got Mail and When Harry Met Sally, which are two of the most iconic films in the genre. Her love for this ilk comes through in her own program, and there’s really no other show out there currently that is doing what she and the writers do, done in perfect execution, with such well-blended humor and heart.

It Only Gets Better

This is a promo shot of the season one cast:

Three of those actors aren’t even on the show anymore. Cut to season three promo shot:

Look, I’m not saying by any means that TMP was a bad show in the beginning or that the cast members no longer with the series made it bad. I’m just saying that it takes some time to find your groove. To reference The Office again, season one had a few great episodes (including Diversity Day which Mindy wrote), but it wasn’t until season two and three when it really hit its sweet spot. Same thing for Parks and Rec. Sometimes it takes a little bit of tweaking to find the best version of a show, and I think season three was it for TMP. They found their footing, the characters’ voices, and fans and critics responded positively to that. It would be a shame to throw that all away.

Representation is Important

Thanks a lot in part to people like Shonda Rhimes and Mindy, there’s (finally) been an upward trend in diversity on network television. But we’ve still got a long way to go. I mean, just name one other show with a female Indian-American lead. And it’s not just that we need a non-white person to share their culture in mass media, it’s that media shouldn’t just be dominated by white folk. Constance Wu from Fresh Off The Boat (another bubble show that deserves a second season) said it best when casting actors of a different race changes the idea that a white person is always in the lead because it’s the norm. It’s time for a new normal.

Mindy and Danny Endgame

Look, I just need to know that Mindy and Danny are going to live happily ever after. Or just, ‘ever after’. When ‘will-they-won’t-they couples’ get together on TV shows, it can either be the start of something new or a jump the shark moment. Not only were the Mindy writers brave enough to put these two together long before a possible series end, but they kept pushing the line and went one step further with Mindy’s unexpected pregnancy. They were able to keep Mindy’s story interesting even though she landed her dream man, but just like life, she keeps getting thrown curveballs, and the fans deserve to see what’s next. Plus, a baby. Mindy and Danny as parents. Just picture that.

#RENEWMINDY

#FBF: Stuck in the Suburbs

Last month, I revisited The Color of Friendship, a groundbreaking, Emmy award-winning Disney Channel Original Movie about racism both during Apartheid in South Africa and here in the U.S.

And this is something that couldn’t be more different.

Stuck_in_the_Suburbs

Stuck in the Suburbs is a DCom that came out in July 2004, so right after we graduated high school. I would say that it’s because I was a “college kid” when this was released and why I didn’t watch it. But that doesn’t explain why I was into all of the High School Musicals and Hannah Montana and Wizards of Waverly Place, etc. The point is is that I never saw this. It wasn’t until a couple years ago that I found out this even existed, because the one and only SNL great Taran Killam apparently plays a pop star in it? I’m not really sure, but I’m about to find out. Here are some of the most important things I missed out on in 2004 that I am happy to share with all of you 11 years later.

  • Taran Killam is the type of celebrity who is talented and cute but also is funny above all other things that the best job he can be is a comedian. Kinda like how Jimmy Fallon is like a “heartthrob” of SNL, Taran falls under the same category. What I’m saying is that Taran’s role as teen idol Jordan Cahill is completely believable but you know that he’s better than playing a pop star on the Disney Channel.

STARBURST ON THE COVER OF A TEEN BEAT-LIKE MAG!

  • Let’s just say I’m watching this not on a DVD, and I’m 97% sure someone uploaded it off their VHS tape.
  • Danielle Panabaker is in this. Still don’t know the which name belongs to her and her sister.
  • You know you’re old when you relate more to the suburban mom driving the mini-van than the four tween girls she’s driving home from soccer. Although I relate to them rushing home to sit in front of the TV to watch a TRL-esque  show with their favorite pop star Jordan.

Jordan is really singing his heart out, you guys.

 

  • Oh god pop music wasn’t THIS bad back then, guys. I promise.
  • BEYONCE WAS MENTIONED SHE IS STILL RELAVANT. REMEMBER THESE ARE THE DESTINY’S CHILD DAYS.
  • The girls find out Jordan’s coming to town and there’s a screen shot of both four-way calling on land lines AND 10 million IMs trying to get Brittany’s attention. Ah, nostalgia.

*puts up away message. is actually still sitting in front of computer*

 

  • Brittany and her friends all have their lockers lined with pictures of Jordan, and say, “Good morning Jordan!” to it before blowing him a kiss. Ugh.
  • Enter Brenda Song, who looks EXACTLY the same

Drinking that Bianca Lawson potion.

  • Brittany thinks Brenda’s character Natasha (Kwon-Schwartz, because, diversity) is so cool because she used to live in Europe, so Brittany in turn attempts to be cool to be her friend, and subsequently takes down all her Jordan paraphernalia. She obviously can’t hide it.
  • This is especially troubling when Brittany and Natasha go watch Jordan film a music video, mostly to make fun of all the other girls. Meanwhile, Jordan thinks his director’s suggestion of looking at his reflection in a puddle of water then splashing it away is extremely *shallow* and not the kind of artist he wants to be. Uh oh – someone’s gonna crack.
  • Plot Point: After the music video, Brittany bumps into one of Jordan’s entourage, and all her stuff falls on the ground, and his assistant Eddie also falls to th eground with his belongings going everywhere, and he accidentally takes Britt’s pink Nokia cell phone instead of Jordan’s high tech palm pilot that has access to TV and internet.
  • They each go a little while without recognizing that they have each other’s phones. Unrelatedly, Brittany is a songwriter. Good to know for later.

She’s channelling Mandy Moore from the Candy vid

 

  • Side Note: Jesse McCartney’s Good Life started playing and I’m ashamed/not ashamed that I could identify it.
  • Brittany refuses to give Eddie Jordan’s cell phone back. Like in reality tho, this adult is negotiating with a teenager. Grow some balls and get the damn phone back. Madonna has already called and Britt and Natasha already messed it up by answering then screaming into the phone.
  • Britt and Natasha also decide to have some fun with it by helping Jordan become more famous, I guess? So they saw he had a hair appointment thanks to his phone calendar, and Natasha told the hairdresser to cut off his famous long locks, bow in front of him, and serve him only raisins (he hates raisins). Luckily, he ended up liking the hair.

    nice highlights

  • Oh and Britt’s mom is trying to save some old dilapidated house, which her mom calls the “only thing making their suburb unique”. Earlier, she went to the wrong house because everything looks the same in the suburbs. It’s like an ” an island of hope in a sea of sameness.”
  • So now this little teen is basically extorting Eddie and making him convince Jordan to play at her mom’s rally in order to get his phone back. Like how much time has passed since she’s had his phone – she’s intercepting calls from Jordan’s girlfriend!

Also, remember when trucker hats were in?

  • Anddddd they broke up.
  • So, turns out, Natasha had been lying about her living in Europe and her parents’ being divorce. Her dad actually does sales and was in Buffalo, and her folks aren’t even separated. Britt confronts her about it and they get in a fight, and what better way to show that by a montage of their like 4-day friendship.
  • I guess Jordan and Brittany are friends slash I stopped paying attention. I think he left to get away and be anonymous then ended up calling Brittany and now they’re phone friends??Screenshot 2015-03-21 23.24.55
  • Jordan’s director is chasing after him to finish the video the way they want to do it. Jordan and Britt (and third-wheel Natasha) are meeting to swap phones, and they end up in one of those huge industrial underground pipes, because, of course. In the pipe, Britt sneakily releases Jordan’s own version of the song he wanted to release – against his record label’s wishes.Screenshot 2015-03-21 23.31.48
  • Jordan agrees to sing for Britt’s mom’s fundraiser, mainly because he lived in a suburb just like the one Britt lives in, and HUMANITY! When he addresses the crowd, Jordan says, “It’s not what’s out there. It’s what’s in here,” pointing to his heart.AND OH LAWD another montage of Britt and Natasha’s friendship. Like, really, you need it that bad?
  • Taran’s singing (is it really him singing, tho?) is like him singing in a sketch in SNL, mainly because he keeps looking directly in the camera and making ridiculous faces and he’s not playing the guitar at all, like he doesn’t move his fingers for the entire scene {you should probs view the whole scene here}.
Screenshot 2015-03-21 23.40.07

He’s actually mentioned this exact scene during an interview with Jimmy Fallon before.

  • Ok, so now assistant Eddie is a pop star who took Jordan’s song and music video set???? And the girls are in the video? I’m so confused but I don’t even care. Also, I’m even more confused because the end of the movie went straight to a random British cartoon with a kid who said ‘Brilliant!’ and it’s obvious this was on the VHS before Stuck in the Suburbs.

British kid on a bike that powers the attached blender. Idk.

 

Adult Language: When Did I Start Talking Like An Old Lady?

I used to think that old people used old-people words because it was how people talked when they were growing up. But lately, something strange has been happening. I open my mouth to speak, and the vocabulary of an old man tumbles out. I’m starting to think that as you get older your brain gets repopulated with a dictionary of “adult language.” I don’t mean the kind that nets you a PG-13 rating, or the deliberately stodgy words that some people say to be funny, like “kerfuffle” or “gee whilickers.”  They’re just these words that I thought only people who were born prior to 1950 used – until now.

Blouse

I cannot overstate how much I hated “blouse” growing up. It always sounded poofy and ruffly, like the Puffy Shirt from Seinfeld. A few years ago, I decided that it was sort of funny to refer to shirts as “blouses,” like I was the kind of lady who also planned vacations using a travel agent and had some sort of deliberate hairdo. It is slowly trickling into my regular vocab list.

Girlfriend

It’s kind of misleading to call your platonic female friends your “girlfriends.” Whenever a coworker or casual acquaintance mentions going to a movie with her “girlfriend” or her “girlfriend who lives downstate” I try to ask vague yet leading questions to figure out what, exactly, is up so that I don’t say something stupid later. But in some ways, girlfriend is more specific than friend – I always think it implies a fairly close friend, not some rando you get coffee with occasionally – and it sounds more adult than “best friend.” Just like “blouse,” this entered my vocab because it tickled my funnybone, but I think it’s here to stay.

Slacks

They’re slimmer and less schlumpy than “pants.” They aren’t necessarily khakis. They aren’t jeans. They’re slacks. Oh god, I’m the oldest lady in the world.

Pocketbook

I don’t know what it is, but lately my usual term – purse – has started to sound like an old-lady word itself. If you listen to it divorced of context, it even sounds like something they would have named a baby girl in 1905. Bertha. Maude. Gertrude. Purse. Handbag is a likely alternative, but I don’t think anything I own costs enough to qualify as a handbag. I usually just say “bag” – but I think “pocketbook.”

Chit-Chat

I remember a substitute teacher who always used to say “ladies, this isn’t the Chit-Chat Club” when my friends and I were talking. And I always used to think “I wish it were, that sounds like the best club ever!” Now I am an old lady both in that I use the phrase “chit chat” to describe idle talk, and also because I have developed a total aversion to it. Chit chat club? Blegh. No thank you.

Program

I usually call t.v. shows “shows,” because I am 28 years old. I know some people say “stories” from time to time, but that’s when they’re trying to be cute. But program is what my old Italian neighbor, Nancy, used to say. Apparently the old lady in my brain also says “program,” because I found myself saying it entirely by accident a few months ago.

Scram

Every day I catch the bus in a station teeming with high schoolers. They stand in clusters talking way too loud and laughing at things that aren’t funny. And every time I move through a chunk of teenagers trying to catch my bus, I think “why won’t these kids just scram!” “Get out” sounds too basic, and “dissemble” too dainty. What I really want these youths to do is scram.

Smart

Not in terms of intelligent, but as in crisply tailored. I don’t know if it’s so much an old lady term, or that before my mid-20s I wasn’t as interested in owning a “smart blazer.”

Sharp

I swear, I told one of my nephews he looked “really sharp” in his Easter outfit. But he was wearing a smart tie, what else was I supposed to say?

Book Bag or Backpack

Speaking of those crazy kiddos, several months ago I told one of the four-year-olds to get his book bag. Or backpack. I can’t remember which one, because in my mind they’re interchangeable. Apparently for children born in the 2010s, they are NOT. I was swiftly and sternly corrected. It’s already happening. Using normal words from my youth is making me sound like an old lady. He’s just lucky I don’t call his Leapfrog device a “Gameboy.”

Grade School

I thought this was normal, too. Apparently it’s not. Apparently you’re supposed to say “elementary school,” which I thought was the same thing. But whether you say elementary or grade, I think we can agree that the REAL old man phrase is “grammar school,” and I’m not there – yet.

Weenie

A few years ago, my cousin described Pete Cambell from Mad Men as a “weenie.” Pete is the ultimate weenie, and I was so tickled by the word that it entered my everyday vocab. It’s an outmoded term, but totally useful. There are plenty of guys you’d usually call a douche or a bro, but they have that extra simpering quality that makes them weenies.

TV Set

When I was shopping for a new television, I accidentally said “tv set.” Woah. Nobody really says that anymore. It reminds me of how my parents still say “vacuum sweeper.” Yeah, they put a nickname on my birth certificate, yet they go through the trouble of saying “vacuum sweeper.” The older I get, the more I understand.
I could keep going: housedress, lunch pail (this is actually what my dad used to say when I was a kid), luncheon, lollygag (another dad favorite). I used to be young and relatively hip, but those days are over. Now I just put on my blouse and slacks and lollygag in front of the TV set with my girlfriends, speaking in the least cool “adult language” ever.

Tres Por Tres and Other TV Shows Lost in Translation

I was recently having a conversation about Full House, as you do, and my one friend, who is originally from Colombia, mentioned that when she watched it back home, Full House was called Tres Por Tres. Translated, this means Three by (for) Three, which quite literally is the premise of the show – three daughters and three men raising them. We obviously proceeded to look up YouTube clips and found out that in the opening credits, there’s a woman introducing each actor. Is this necessary? Probably not, but it’s entertaining.

And then she remembered that while everyone else’s name is the same (and Kimmy is ‘Kyyymmeee’), DJ is “Dejota” and we simply could not get over this. In fact we made it into a hashtag because Deej’s name en Español is so fun to say. You can hear Kyyymmeee say her name quickly at 1:55 in the clip below:

Either I’m fluent in Spanish or I understood all that because I’ve seen that episode so many times it’s almost embarrassing (a combo of both). Of course Full House isn’t the only show called something completely different in another language. Here are a few other programs that aren’t exactly what you’d expect they’d be titled around the world.

Arrested Development

Sweden: Firma Ruffel & Bygg  = Company Monkey Business & Construction

To be fair, “Company” and “Construction” are probably giving too much credit to The Bluth Company.

Six Feet Under

Russia: Клиент всегда мертв = The Customer Is Always Dead

It’s actually the customer’s family member that’s always dead, but vodka/vodka, right, Russia?

Breaking Bad

Bulgaria: В обувките на Сатаната = In The Shoes Of Satan

Creepily accurate.

The Fresh Prince of Bel Air

Brazil: Um Maluco no Pedaço = A Crazy in the Area

Fortunately, the Crazy in the area turned into the permanent crazy in the neighborhood.

Murder, She Wrote

Germany: Mord ist ihr Hobby = Murder Is Her Hobby

I’ve actually never seen an episode of Murder, She Wrote, so is this title right, or not? What am I missing here???

Two and A Half Men

Germany: Mein cooler Onkel Charlie = My Cool Uncle Charlie

The Germans probably weren’t expecting Charlie Sheen to go all Tiger Blood and die (twice) *spoiler alert?? ugh who cares* when they chose that title.

Pretty Little Liars

Finland: Valehtelevat viettelijät = False Seducer

DOES FINLAND KNOW SOMETHING WE DON’T KNOW?? IS -A FINNISH?? IS ARIA -A BECAUSE SHE USED TO LIVE IN ICELAND AND THAT KINDA NEAR FINLAND?? THEORIZE, LIARS!

The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Poland: Tajemnica Amy = Mystery Amy

Is Poland doing an ABC Family crossover with PLL? What’s the mystery with a girl who got knocked up at 15?

Gilmore Girls

Poland: Kochane klopoty = Dear Trouble

I know Gilmore Girls backwards and forwards and I still don’t understand why it’s translated into “Dear Trouble”.

30 Rock

Brazil: Um Maluco na TV = A Crazy on TV

Just ONE crazy on TV? There’s too many to choose from.

Beverly Hills, 90210

Brazil:  Barrados no Baile = Barred From the Dance

Again, I’ve never seen a full episode of Bev Hills, but I’m assuming like many teen dramas, there are a fair share of dances, and I’m under the impression these kids were cool enough to at least attend one spring fling.

How I Met Your Mother

Finland: Ensisilmäyksellä = At First Glance

OKAY but Finland is up to something here. Based on what happened in the finale, did Finnish Craig Thomas and Carter Bays purposely title it At First Glance as a call back to the pilot when Ted first puts his eyes on Robin?? Because At First Glance is wayyyy less misleading of a title than How I Met Your Mother.

Scrubs

French: Toubib or not toubib = Doctor or Not Doctor

The answer is: ‘Barely’.

Everybody Loves Raymond

Israel: Mishpacah Lo Bochrim (משפחה לא בוחרים) = You Can’t Choose Your Family

While the Israelis have a good grasp of the concept, Everybody Loves Raymond executive producer Philip Rosenthal took his efforts to Russia in hopes of creating a version of the show in Russia called Voroniny, a play off the family name. He documented his journey in a documentary called Exporting Raymond, which is a great watch if you’re into this stuff and have read this far.

Married… With Children

Estonia: Tuvikesed = Pigeons

Estonia thinks they’re pigeons, and Hungarians call them “A Terribly Nice Family”… which one is the real show??

When Poets Blow It: Guess The Celebrity Bards!

It can be very hard for celebrities to know what they’re bad at. I say that with genuine empathy. Once you reach a certain level of fame, you are probably surrounded by people telling you how wonderful you are at everything. It must be difficult to parse out who’s just humoring you. Somebody at some point told all of these celebrities that they were good at poetry, and you know what? I have to commend them for trying. See, even though an enthusiastic fifth grade teacher probably told all of us that “everybody can write poetry,” the fact remains that most people shouldn’t.

These stars aren’t exactly Dylan Thomas staggering through Chelsea or Mary Oliver roaming through a woodland with, like, a gentle fox, but they put forth an effort. Some of them – though not technically great writers – even managed to capture their personal voice in their poems, something that even accomplished writers can struggle with. Don’t believe me? Try guessing which celebrity wrote these tragic verses. If you’re up for it, you could even stage a poetry reading! With verses about three-way phone calls, an assistant named Fe, and bitchy organic food enthusiasts who don’t know how to stay in their gluten-free lane, you’re in for a good time.

Like all good fifth grade workbooks, we”ll even provide a “word bank”:

  • Suzanne Somers
  • Ashanti
  • Jennifer Aniston
  • Charlie Sheen
  • Pamela Anderson
  • Britney Spears
  • Sean Penn
  • Rosie O’Donnell
  • James Franco
  • Sarah Palin
  • Kate Moss
  • Ally Sheedy
  • Jewel
  • Kristen Stewart

Okay, here come the poems!

I reared digital moonlight
You read its clock, scrawled neon across that black
Kismetly … ubiquitously crest fallen
Thrown down to strafe your foothills
…I’ll suck the bones pretty.

  • ANSWER: Kristen Stewart, From My Heart Is A Wiffle Ball/Freedom Pole

Lucky in love
Lucky in love
Didn’t forget me when I asked you to leave me
Didn’t forget me
Now you’re alongside me
You’ve brought luck to love
I’ve been hit by a truck in love.”

  • ANSWER: Jennifer Aniston, re: John Mayer

honeymoon at last, to get away from it all
My assistant Fe gave me the call.

I remember it well, as she was smilin’
She said it was called Turtle Island.

I packed my bags light and quick,
Then grabbed my pink dress & favorite lipstick.

  • ANSWER: Britney Spears, in Honeymoon Poem

There had been a time
When we were up for the same roles,
10 Things I Hate about You
(
Based on The Taming of the Shrew),
And The Patriot —
Funny, you were Australian and so was Mel —
You were the knight in A Knight’s Tale
Although I’m sure you wished you weren’t.

  • ANSWER: James Franco, in Ledger

Excuse me, aren’t you…?”
“Hey, you look just like…”
“Oh my God, that’s…”
“Sorry to interrupt your dinner, but aren’t you…”
“Look, I never do this, but, my wife thinks you’re…”
“My friend is so convinced that you’re…”
“I’m so embarrassed, but, aren’t you…?”
“I know you must be tired of this, but…”
“WAIT!!”
All eyes held in stare, all mouths locked open in shock, as he pulled the latex [REDACTED] mask from his head, revealing the rotted skull of President Lincoln.

  • ANSWER: Charlie Sheen, in I.D. Blues (redacted = “Charlie Sheen,” of course)

Organic girl dropped by last night

For nothing in particular

Except to tell me again how beautiful and serene she feels

On uncooked vegetables and wheat germ fortified by bean sprouts—

Mixed with yeast and egg whites on really big days—

She not only meditates regularly, but looks at me like I should

And lectures me about meat and ice cream

And other aggressive foods I shouldn’t eat.

  • ANSWER: Suzanne Somers, in Organic Girl

I do not like this Uncle Sam. I do not like his health care scam.

I do not like — oh, just you wait — I do not like these dirty crooks, or how they lie and cook the books.

I do not like when Congress steals, I do not like their crony deals.

I do not like this spying, man, I do not like, ‘Oh, Yes we can.’

I do not like this spending spree, we’re smart, we know there’s nothing free.

I do not like reporters’ smug replies when I complain about their lies.

I do not like this kind of hope, and we won’t take it, nope, nope, nope.

  • ANSWER: Sarah Palin, in an actual speech at a real convention

 

I’ve been thinking you’ve been cheatin
and you know that’s just not right
So just to be sure
I gave you a call
to see exactly what you’d say
You said, “Girl you know I’m not lyin!”
Good, lets call her on three-way

  • ANSWER: Ashanti, in Three-Way

…ME – I miss PLAYBOY – The end of an Era – Chivalry, elegance, celebrated imperfections…

  • ANSWER: Pamela Anderson, in Untitled Facebook Poem

we wait
it passes
kito – we figured out
was the place they stopped
b4 the galapagos

ee cummings was just lazy

  • ANSWER: Rosie O’Donnell in Aloha

brighter and brighter every day
calmer
my insides slosh about like a nauseous ocean
it takes great gulps of air
words from religious books
and Diet Cherry Coke to quiet the sound

  • ANSWER: Ally Sheedy in On The Road

I saw a woman
whose teeth were
straight like
White picket fensces
Until she looked
at her husband-
They they looked like
Shattered windows

  • ANSWER: Jewel in Untitled

What is this on my chin…?
It’s f**king s**t, man
All right
F**k this
F**k it
Give me a f**king shower.

  • Sean Penn in This Water’s Cold

 

 

Mad Men Crush Monday

Our beloved Mad Men kicked off its final seven episodes of its seventh season on Sunday (hello alliteration), and while I’m so glad it’s back, I’m equally sad that these will be the last seven stories we’ll get to see of Don and company as they head into the 1970s and into the abyss of New York City forever.

While Mad Men has obviously provided us with plenty of “mad men” over the years, there are definitely some better than others. And although #ManCrushMonday is technically purely about attraction, I’m bending the rules a bit today and ranking the Mad Men on their overall likability, because frankly, in a male-ruled world of advertising in the 1960s, there are a handful of egotistical, cheating, at times misogynistic douche-bags, so they can’t all be crush worthy in the traditional sense. So if there’s anything Mad Men has taught us, it’s that there’s more to people than it seems on the outside, and it’s that very complexity that makes us, as human beings, interesting and worth knowing.  These are the men that have kept the world’s attention for the past eight years, and the ones we’ll miss the most.

12) Bobby Draper

The fact that four different kid actors have played Bobby is reason for him to make the list alone, and a running joke throughout the series (to the viewers, at least). It’s the current Bobby that has really taken the cake, as well as the title for longest-held position as Bobby Draper. He can actually act and not just spit out lines, and he’s sassy at that.

11) Harry Crane

So Harry Crane is kind of a dud. He may have started Sterling Cooper’s TV division but just makes poor life choices. He’s cheated on his wife (but I guess, who hasn’t), he’s a pushover – he asks Roger for a raise from $200 to $310, and Roger gets him to accept $225 and Harry is super stoked about it. He’s often ignorant and can be dumb, and Don doesn’t like him. I guess what I’m saying is, there’s a reason why he’s on this list… but I just can’t pinpoint why.

10) Pete Campbell

The things Pete Campbell says are usually arrogant and offensive, he is always seeking approval and resents his co-workers when they find their own successes. He’s a white child of privilege who gets away with sleeping around and being a double standard. He has a face that is extremely punch-worthy, so when you see scenes of him getting into fights or walking into walls or falling down stairs, it brings you pure joy. Pete may be the biggest douche on the show, but at least he’s interesting. He’s like a car crash on the side of the road that you can’t help but slow down and watch.

9) Freddy Rumsen

Freddy had a rough start. When we meet him, he’s already hammered, and he stays that way for most of the earlier seasons. It’s no surprise that Freddy is an alcoholic, seeing the environment he works in, but when it comes to a point when he unknowingly pees his pants right before a huge presentation, it’s a problem. Incidentally, that pee incident led to Peggy stepping up and pitching a campaign which ultimately helped her move forward within the company, and it was always Freddy who believed in her talent. He showed up sporadically throughout the rest of the series, and when he becomes sober, the tables are turned and he’s the one confronting a drunken Don. For a man whose life seemed to be in shambles at the beginning, he’s one of the only ones that seems to have it together in the end.

8) Ken Cosgrove (Accounts)

Ken Cosgrove is the Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration of Mad Men. He’s one if not the only one who actually has good intentions and is constantly the guy you can count on. He always wants to be the best at his job and tries not to get caught up in the drama or politics at work. Instead of cheating and drinking excessively, he spends his time writing sci-fi stories that get published in magazines, and I’m pretty sure if Ken was alive and real today, he’d be one of those cult writers signing books at sci-fi conventions. And he’s unintentionally endearing, since he doesn’t exactly have the best of luck. He lit’rally got shot in the face by a client and has had to wear that eye patch for a couple seasons. Also he’s married to Alex Mack.

7) Michael Ginsberg

We meet Ginsberg (played by the delightfully handsome and charming Ben Feldman) in season five, when Peggy wants him on board as a copywriter. He seems a little off when they first hire him, which is obviously foreshadowing of his future at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. He’s got good ideas, but unfortunately for him, Don doesn’t care much for him. And poor Ginsberg, when a huge-ass computer takes over the office, he slowly starts to go crazy. His proclamation of being a martian is truly Xenu-worthy, and his paranoia that the computer somehow transmits signals to make men engage in gay sex takes over his brain. He eventually professes his love for Peggy and in the most shocking/disgusting scene since the lawnmower/foot incident of season 3, Ginsberg hands Peggy a box containing the severed nipple he just cut from his person. Honestly, I just feel really bad for the guy.

6) Stan Rizzo

Stan joined SCDP in season 4 as the art director and was this misogynistic type who flirted with every woman that passed by. The one woman who hasn’t reciprocated romantic feelings for (and never should) is Peggy. It’s their relationship that ranks him at number six. They literally bare their souls for each other by actually stripping down and for the last few seasons, we’ve seen Stan turn into seemingly the only stable mad in Peggy life since Don goes off the deep end as we approach the 70s. Stan and Peggy have both helped each other evolve into better people, and that’s really all you can ask for in world where it seems everyone’s going downhill.

5) Sal Romano

SAL! I miss Sal. A lot of fans miss Sal. Ever since he made his last appearance on the series in season three, people keep asking when he’s coming back. Unfortunately the answer to that is never. The closeted art director who was married to a woman and finally had a tryst with a bellhop but then when a big-time client tried to come on to him, Sal refused and in turn the client forced Don and the other bosses to fire Sal. It was a super warped sexual harassment case that was sad to see play out on TV, especially knowing how difficult it was to be gay back then, and comparing it to the world we live in now.

4) Don Draper

Even if you haven’t seen Mad Men, you know that Don Draper isn’t exactly the most moral protagonist. He’s no Walter White, but he’s no Phil Dunphy either. In the pilot, it’s not until the very end that we find out that the womanizer we meet in the beginning actually goes home to a wife and two kids in the suburbs every night. While Don may be the head honcho at work, his secrets, as we come to find out, are deeper and more complex than we ever could have imagined, and that’s why he’s such a flawed character. Even in the title sequence, we see a man in a suit free falling from the top of a building, and it seems as if Don has been living a parallel life to that image for the past seven seasons. We don’t know where and how he’s going to end up, but like the promo pic above – he may be in over his head soon enough.

3) Dick Whitman

Speaking of Don’s secret background, we find out that Don is actually Dick Whitman. After taking on the Don Draper persona from a fallen fellow soldier in the war, Dick Whitman “dies”. But in a turning point in the show, we get to see not only the real Dick Whitman’s origins, but his interactions with the late Don Draper’s wife, Anna. That guy who shows up to Anna’s door to tell her that her husband is dead is someone we’ve never seen before. He’s a compassionate, almost shy man who is the complete opposite of the often arrogant Don Draper. In any scene with Anna, we get to see the real Dick Whitman – the one that happily provides for a widow, spends every Christmas with her, and gushes about how much he loves Betty when he tells Anna they’re going to get married. Fast forward to years later, when most of the people close to Don not only know about his sordid past, but don’t hold it against him – a feat he’s had since the beginning. Now we just have to see if he can get over his past himself.

2) Bert Cooper

Bert provided the Cooper of Sterling Cooper, founding the company with Roger Sterling’s dad in 1923. He basically played the seniority card throughout the show, often walking around without shoes (because he didn’t have an office), staring at his Rothko paintings, and providing excellent advice to the young blood around the office. Bert was like the strong grandfather of the office who everyone trusted. He was smart and loyal and frank – and to that I say, Bravo.

1) Roger Sterling

Roger Sterling has so many faults. He, again, like many others in the show, is an adulterer, constantly drinks and smokes, gets naked, participates in orgies, has threesomes (and ends up having a heart attack), gets high on LSD, and says the most inappropriate politically incorrect things to clients and co-workers alike (and has a book to prove it). But like other memorable TV characters like Dwight Schrute and Ron Swanson, they all have their own quirks and oddities and beliefs that we may not agree with, but it sure is fun to watch it play out. And I’ll miss that.

(Dis)Honorable Mentions: Dr. Rapist Greg Harris, Henry Francis, Ted Chaough, Duck Phillips, Jim Cutler,  Glen Bishop, Bob Benson

Kid Sleepovers vs. Big Kid Sleepovers

Before you continue reading, get your mind out of the gutter. The sleepovers I’m talking about have nothing to do with shacking up with a significant other. It’s about the pure (semi-pure) and un-adulterated (adult) sleepovers with your gal or guy pals to celebrate friendship. I’ve gone to a number of these over the past few years, and I am such an advocate of them. We’re all so busy with our own lives, and while we get to hang out with our friends on a semi-regular basis, it’s not the same when you spend 12+ hours together in a confined area with an endless amount of snacks and booze.

Obviously there are big differences between having these sleepovers as a child and as an adult, and I’m here to help you realize that grown-up sleepovers are just what you need in your life right now to *reconnect* with your nearest and dearest. Just be aware that things have changed since you were 13 years old.

Juice Boxes vs. Wine

We all know the secret to any get together is booze. Unless you’re Mormon on an alcoholic, it’s mandatory at every event you go to, and I feel even more crucial if you’re attending a sleepover. As kids, you’d get soda or apple juice or grape juice – and I guess it’s kind of the same if you count wine as grape juice.

Boys vs. Men

Mrs. DiCaprio. Mrs. Leo DiCaprio. Mrs. Leonardo DiCaprio. *signs name over and over again* When we’re tweens, we discuss matters of the heart like, ‘Wanye asked me for a pen today in class and he totally touched my hand for too long when he grabbed it from me what does this mean??’. All the talk is the ‘what ifs’ and questioning what it would be like to kiss so and so and who’s likes who at school. And then when you grow up, it’s all real. It’s tangible. Your friends are engaged, in long-term relationships, married, have babies, the topic changes from ‘what would it be like to kiss Wanye’ to ‘I am going to strangle Wanye’s mother over these wedding plans.’ It ranges from why you think your friend’s boyfriend isn’t good enough to what kind of birth control you’re on, and nap time patterns for the little ones. The things you always thought were so far away as a kid are currently staring at you straight in the face.

Staying Up All Night vs. I’m Gonna Pass Out

In my mid-20s, I had a sleepover where we stayed up until like 4:30 in the morning. This isn’t totally out of character for me because I am insane and go to bed around 2:30-3am. However, it’s different when you’re interacting with your friends until that time of day/night. It felt like we were kids again, staying up as long as we could to prove that… we could. Albeit, as kids, staying up “late” basically meant anything after like, 11pm. But at the most recent sleepover I attended, I could’ve sworn it was lights out by like 1:30-2am. And on top of that, we were super organized about it because we arranged who was bringing sleeping bags and where everyone was sleeping. And no one fought to stay up late, because we’re all old now and need our beauty rest for real.

Kid Movies vs. Serious Movies

Let’s be honest. We watched Save the Last Dance a few weeks ago. That is the same exact movie I watched when I attended sleepovers as a kid. This is exactly the same.

Parental Superversion vs. Significant Other Supervision

Part of the allure of sleepovers as a kid is that you’ll be with your best friends with only one or two parents around to check in on your shenanigans. It’s also helpful that the responsibility of buying food and cleaning up isn’t yours and that you don’t have to worry about making breakfast in the morning. As an adult, you take on all that responsibility on yourself – and you also might have significant others wondering about your whereabouts and supervising your life in a different way.

Pranks vs. No Pranks

I (luckily) never had friends who were dumb enough to do pranks like the freezing of the bra and writing on sleeping faces and putting hands in water so they’ll pee. Like, what is wrong with kids? Anyways, I guess it wasn’t that much different for me as an adult since I suppose I keep similar company, because those pranks still don’t happen.

Games vs. Social Media Stalking

Games at girls’ sleepovers always involve boys, like MASH and Truth or Dare or scary paranormal stuff like Light as a Feather or Bloody Mary. What happened to us as children? Anyways, as fun as those may be, we as adults like to play a different game that involves stalking people on social media and talking about them because we’re only human.

There Are A Lot Of Reasons To Hate Surprise Parties

I’m not an April Fools’ Day person. Neither of us are. Wasting my time in the service of a joke that’s never even funny? No thanks. I’m also not a birthday person. I know this is aggravating, because I don’t want my loved ones to Sixteen Candles it and forget my birthday, but I also don’t want anyone to make a big fuss. This is actually more demanding than asking your friends to throw a straight-up bash, and for that I apologize. But you know what I don’t apologize for? Hating surprise parties, a.k.a. the birthday version of April Fools Day, a.k.a. the kind of parties they throw in hell. Seriously. When the devil has a birthday, John Wilkes Booth and freaking Hitler and like … is Genghis Khan something people still talk about?… all collude to get the devil to “meet his sister for brunch” so all his friends can leap out at him from the shadows. Screw surprise parties.

Surprise parties play into two of my biggest fears: people doing things without me, and people knowing things that I don’t. I’ve felt this way since I was a toddler. My mom used to make my siblings put on a mock-bedtime, saying their prayers and brushing their teeth, because I couldn’t go to sleep if I thought that everyone else was awake. Strike one: doing things without me. When I found out that everyone had been faking bedtime behind my back, I was livid. By the way, I found out when I was like 22. Strike two: knowing things I don’t.

I don’t even like when the animal kingdom tries to get the better of me. The other day I was walking my dog when we came across a flock of deer. As we passed not 20 feet away from them, the deer stood statue-still, hoping that we wouldn’t notice them. I could not let those deer think they had fooled me. I yelled “bye, deer!” after we passed them just so those animals knew damn well that I knew.

You ever know someone where your friends are like “you two should totally go out” or “we all know you’re going to end up together?” I will never let that happen, so strong is my aversion to people thinking they know my life.

And let’s talk about outfits. At least one day a week, I hate what I’m wearing by midday. That means that there is a solid one in seven chance that I would attend my own party wearing something I don’t even like. See? There are a lot of reasons to hate surprise parties.

Worst of all, all of your loved ones have to make a ruse of forgetting or not caring about a major life event, whether it’s a birthday, an engagement, or an anniversary. Two hours of being showered with love do not make up for weeks of thinking that everyone’s being a dick.

It wasn’t always like this. I was the victim of a surprise party when I was a kid, and I liked it.  It was a simple pool party at my aunt’s house, in late summer when I hadn’t seen some of my friends for months. My birthday was in September, so I never saw it coming. But even at 11 years old, I felt like such a putz. Having the wool pulled over your eyes isn’t better just because there’s confetti in the wool. My aunt didn’t really pick me up because she wanted me to go swimming at her house … I mean she did, she just wanted me to go swimming with cake and all of my best friends. Okay, I already admitted that my anti-surprise party stance is aggravating. And my mom didn’t ask who my best friends were because she cared, she asked because … she cared and wanted to invite them to a party to celebrate my birth. She’s a good mom, okay? But my outfit was still stupid.

Besides, I was a child then. As far as I’m concerned, big birthdays, as well as low-grade holidays like April Fools’ Day and Valentine’s Day, are for children. They just aren’t a good use of time. I mean, everybody was born once, it’s not that big a deal. Also, Surprise Parties are the party version of pranks, and you know how we feel about pranks: they’re jokes for unfunny people.

The worst is when you meet a family or friend group who do surprise parties for everything. Every time Ruth has a birthday or Margie has a baby, everyone pretends they aren’t doing anything for it, makes them go to some dumb fake outing, then – BAM! – they throw a party at them. And if you ask why they didn’t just tell Ruth or Margie that they were throwing a party,they’ll be like “oh, she’d say she doesn’t want it.”

YO. THAT’S BECAUSE RUTH DOESN’T WANT A PARTY, THEN. Respect that. There are a lot of reasons to hate surprise parties. I get it.