Author Archives: Traci

SkyMall savvy: The best (read: worst) of high-flying shopping

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One of (if not the best) parts about flying is getting to your seat and seeing a brand new issue of SkyMall in front of you. An excellent way to waste time before you can used your approved electronic devices, the most eccentric shopping catalog in the world always is a good source of entertainment. SkyMall is known for its … unique items, so here are just a few that caught my eye the last time I was on a plane.

PS: A fun game to play is ‘guess how much this item costs’, and then be severely disappointed and astonished anyone would pay that much money for a ridiculous item.

Upright Sleeper

 “Sleep like a baby while sitting up. Innovative invention lets you sleep where you are.”

But who is actually going to have the balls to pull this out and sleep with it on the plane? 

One of a Kind Shirt

“A One Of A Kind shirt allows you to show that you’re an individual, that you’re a little different than everyone else and you want them to take notice of who you are. These shirts are great for a night on the town, frat parties, bachelor parties, stag parties or any other time you want to stand out in a crowd… Because these shirts are a piece of art, the color and pattern is not revealed until the package is opened.”

Oh people will most definitely notice you when you’re out at a party with this gem. I mean, look how happy this guy is just wearing it.

Armadillo Beverage Holder

“Our rough-n-ready armadillo, Tex, is a sure-fire conversation piece from his textured armor to his whiplash tail.”

Ross would be proud.

Flair Hair Visor

“For instant smiles, wear a shady visor with a built-in ‘doo. It’s a laugh a minute with this spiked hair hat! What a great hair-raising idea! The Flair Hair Visor will give everyone a good laugh with its realistic spikes. They won’t be able to help themselves.”

Bob over here from XYZ Technologies can’t wait to hit the links with his colleagues in this number.

Spirit of Nottingham Wood

“In the woods near the artist’s Nottingham home, old men still tell tales peppered with fairies and tree people coming to life.”

Gather round, kids. This tree’s going to tell us a story of yore. Or scare the living hell out of you.

Bigfoot Garden Yeti Sculpture

“Ever wonder where those strange noises in your garden come from?… With his characteristically big feet, our more than two-foot-tall Garden Yeti Statue will have guests doing a double-take as they admire your creative decor style!”

WHY. JUST, WHY?

King Tut CD-Rom Cabinet

“What looks like the sealed ancient Egyptian Sarcophagus of the beloved King Tut is actually a CD-ROM Cabinet that holds up to 56 CD’s on four shelves.”

Ah yes, things that are still relevant: King Tut and CD-Roms. Also, sarcophagus.

BONUS:

What item is SkyMall trying to sell here:

A) Skull Brimmed Hat

B) Sunglasses from Snoop Dogg’s collection in 1996

C) A gold chain made out of what looks like old Italian lira coins

D) A white mannequin with identity issues

(If you guessed A, you’re correct. Or the secret answer, All of The Above, is acceptable as well)

Doing Lines: The Best of Gossip Girl Plots

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Gossip Girl poster featuring critical review

Gossip Girl poster featuring critical review (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Why did I watch Gossip Girl until the very end?

No but really, can someone explain to me why I stuck with it? I think I jumped on the bandwagon circa mid-season one, when it was bad in a good way. Five seasons later, it’s just bad in a bad way.

I gotta be honest, towards the end of season five and all of season six, I was just watching out of habit. Like it was on in the background but I was playing Bingo Bash on my phone instead, only to look up every once in a while to be like, “wait why is B doing this? How come S is in rehab again?” There were so many new characters and plot points hit in the final season that not only was I confused about them, but I was wondering how it was all going to come together come the finale.

And in the end, I was actually surprised that the writers managed to wrap everything up so quickly, and make it easy to follow. I was quite satisfied with how everything turned out, even the reveal of SPOILER ALERT GG being Dan Humphrey, someone who was not a total surprise behind the mysterious blogger. Plus, exec producer/The OC creator Josh Schwartz even managed to get Rachel Bilson and Kristen Bell in a scene together. Worth it.

But just to recap on the entire six season tenure of the show, here are some of the most ridiculous storylines to ever have made the airwaves/make me question yet again why I continued watching the program.

  • S1: Blair’s parents get divorced, her father brings home a new boyfriend, while her mother brings home the teacher from Clueless in a later season
  • Georgina reveals a man died in Serena’s presence under the influence of drugs, while being videotaped
  • S2: Nate hooks up with a married woman who turns out to be Sherry from Gilmore Girls
  • Georgina comes back from Jesus Camp
  • Bart bass dies in a car accident
  • Rufus finds out that for years, Lily has been hiding the fact that she gave birth to their one and only son years ago, gave him up for adoption, and he currently goes to school in Boston.
  • S3: Dan has a threesome with  Vanessa and Lizzie McGuire
  • Jenny Humphrey becomes a drug dealer, assisting the kid who was in Air Bud
  • Chuck basically prostitutes off Blair to his Uncle Jack in order to get back the hotel his father owned
  • S4: Serena has a new found relationship with her former teacher Ben, who later is jailed because her mom has him arrested for statutory rape, but Serena has no idea she did it
  • Georgina tricks Dan into thinking  he is the father of her child
  • S5: Dan buys depressed Chuck a dog named Monkey
  • Blair and Chuck get into a car accident where Blair suffers a miscarriage, Chuck nearly dies, and Blair eventually marries French Prince Louis
  • S6: Serena dates Matt Camden from 7th Heaven, while Nate coincidentally dates Matt Camden’s 17 year old daughter, Sage.
  • JK, Bart Bass is actually alive
  • Ok, but really, Bart Bass actually dies because he gets in a fight with Chuck, falls over the edge of a NYC high rise, and Chuck doesn’t help him.
  • Gossip Girl turns out to actually be Gossip Guy


Whew. Like I said, why and more importantly, HOW did I watch all this?

Why You Gotta Be So Mean: My reasons for strongly disliking Taylor Swift

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If you know me, you know that one of the celebrities I cannot stand is T Swift herself. If you don’t know me well, you probably assumed that due to my other interests (BSB, Disney Channel queens, pop music in general), that I would be inclined to like aforementioned singer. However, the fact is that while I do find some of her songs catchy, I personally find her annoying, immature, insincere, and not that great of a singer. While she may be great to her fans, I just don’t care for her.

I think my indifference turned to great dislike when I saw her perform on SNL in 2009. For some reference, since I come from a singing/musical theater type background, I greatly appreciate singers who can sing well live. This – this, was not a good live performance. I remember thinking, ‘Oh good GOD this is just… awful. And pitchy. AND AWFUL.’ (Incidentally, I found a link to this video in an article titled ‘Worst SNL performances’)

From then on, I could not look at the girl without thinking of her horrible SNL appearance. To add to the negative counts against her, she kept winning awards and as most of you know, acting surprised when she received every.single.one. Bitch, we get it. You’re a simple average girl from Pennsylvania who used to get bullied in school and now you’re a worldwide pop sensation. Accept it. Everyone else has.

Really glad someone made a video montage of her surprised faces. Ugh, I got annoyed just watching it. My favorite part is at :13 when the announcer says this is T Swizzle’s 10th American Music Award and at that moment she literally looks like she’s never won anything in her life. Get a grip.

She’s also got quite the black book of famous ex-boyfriends, and then turns around and writes a song about how they’ve wronged her AND OMG THERE IS SOMETHING CALLED THE ‘SWIFTIPEDIA’.

Here’s my thing: do you think she ever realizes that the common denominator in all her failed relationships is… her??? Also, you’re like 23 years old, stop writing songs like you’re still 15. (See lyrics to Mean: ‘all you’re ever gonna be is mean. Why you gotta be so mean?’)

So in short, don’t get me a Taylor Swift CD for my birthday, Christmas, or ever. I’m sure she’s a nice girl in person, but I just could care less.

Live Blog: Jet Blue Virgin

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Live Blogs by

On my recent trip home to Rochester for Christmas, I took Jet Blue for the first time on my way back to Los Angeles. I’m a frequent American Airlines, U.S. Air, Virgin America flier, so taking an airline that many people I know rave about was exciting for me. Little did I know it was going to be this exciting.

2:15pm Making my usual last stop to get coffee and snacks before going to the land without Dunkin’ Donuts.

2:30pm Don’t have a seat. Need to check in with desk at gate. Hoping it’s on the aisle and not in the exit row.

2:50pm Get to my seat. It’s on the aisle – in an exit row.

2:55pm There’s a dog barking somewhere. It sounds small. It’s not stopping.

3:01:10pm Guy comes on and has a seat diagonal from me. Looks vaguely familiar. Comedian of some sort. Need to keep sneakily looking at him for clues as to his identity.

3:01:20pm Woman follows shortly behind and also looks familiar. Realize it’s Kathy Najimy of Hocus Pocus and Sister Act fame. Sister Mary Patrick goes too far back, and her daughter, holding a California flag iPhone case, tells her to come back. Confirms it’s SMP. Put together that generic comedian guy is SMP’s hubby.

Cover of "Sister Act"

Whoopi Goldberg, NOT Kathy Najimy

3:10pm My TV isn’t working. Ugh. Have to look around at surrounding televisions for entertainment.

3:11pm Generic Comedian Guy is checking is Facebook, and I see that his first name is Dan. Finally recognize him as Dan from The Dan Band .

3:12pm Amy, one of our flight attendants, comes to give us the Exit Row speech. She also does the safety instructions directly in front of my person, and for the first time in a while, I actually pay attention. We take off.

3:15pm Wondering when it’s a good time to tell Amy about my dysfunctional TV.

3:17pm Wondering why SMP was in ROC in the first place.

3:25pm Amy and her co-attendant Sarah start coming down the aisle with bevs and snacks. FREE SNACKS? Jet Blue is great.

3:26pm Decline free snacks.

3:28pm Sarah recognizes SMP and crouches down to tell her something. All I hear is “I love that movie.”  Then she goes to Dan and crouches again and says, “I recognize you too… Are you a comedian? The singing one? What’s your name again? Oh yeah Dan Band!” oh my gah Sarah, smh in second hand embarrassment. You’re not a Los Angeles or NYC based flight crew, are you?

3:30pm Decline free bev – tell Sarah about dysfunctional television, she slams my armrest up and down (high-tech stuff, guys). She apologizes, says we’re a full flight, otherwise she would move me. Offers a free alcoholic beverage or a voucher. I also decline alc. I just wanted to watch TV, really.

3:32pm Play Kelly Clarkson’s Catch My Breath four times in a row on my iPod.

3:36pm Sarah comes back to give me and my seatmate a $15 voucher since the TVs don’t work. The first time I ever voluntarily speak to the person sitting next to me on a flight, I say, “Good thing I said something, huh?” Seatmate gave me a thumbs up.

3:45pm Take note of programs I’m missing because of janky TV: House Hunters, iCarly, the history of donuts, Seinfeld, Dr. Phil, and some rando TV therapist named Bill with a large black woman definitely doing the z snap with head move to some other irate woman.

3:46pm Really wishing there was a Boingo hotspot on this plane (for free) so I could watch The West Wing.

3:47pm Overthinking why anyone would name a wireless airline hotspot ‘Boingo’

3:50pm Sarah comes back to Dan, and he goes to the back of the plane with her. Really wishing I could see what happened back there, but I’m assuming she took a picture with him. S.M.H.

3:59pm Why doesn’t Jet Blue have SkyMall? That’s like, the best part of flying.

4:01pm We start our descent. Thinking about investing in motion sickness meds, even though I’ve always been ok. But I’m getting old, and on the way to ROC, there was a lot of turbulence and I almost vommed (kinda like the six year old girl behind me on that flight).

4:11pm The dog barks as soon as we touchdown. And a baby starts crying. Good timing, people.

4:15pm Get into Jet Blue’s rad JFK terminal. I lost SMP and Dan, hoping they’ll be on my flight to LAX.

4:40pm Check iMDb and apparently Dan is from Bath, NY (small town near Roc), AND AND AND he went to Emerson (the college I went to)!! Def going to try to strike up convo if they’re on my flight.

4:45pm Spend the next four hours blogging, drinking as much Dunkin Donuts’ iced coffee as humanly possible, all while watching The West Wing. Sans Boingo hotspot.

Items I’ve purchased while attempting to get milk at Target

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We’ve all been there. Target is the black hole of shopping. But it’s also like, the best place ever. Here’s an actual list of various items I’ve purchased with the intention of going into Targ to get mundane items like milk, bread, shampoo, etc. It’s a black hole, I tell you.


Tribal Flats (my fave shoes as of late)

Mint Satchel (my fave purse as of late)

Stick on nail polish strips “Tri-bal It On” (huh?)

Veronica Mars: Season 2 (Quick story: the tag said it was $9.99, but it rang up as $19.99. I told the cashier of the price difference, and we both walked all the way to the electronics department to double check the tag, and I mistakenly read the price for Season 1 – which I already have – and he said, ‘Eh, it’s ok. You can have it for $9.99’)

Limited edition peppermint Chapstick

Pens

I almost took a picture of my pens, but I mean, you know what pens look like.

In short, just don’t ever go into the clothing/accessories/entertainment section. Just head straight to dairy.

Genres Recommended To Me From Netflix

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by
  • Social & Cultural Documentaries
  • Feel-Good Romantic Musicals
  • Movies Featuring a Strong Female Lead
  • Sentimental Independent Comedies
  • Cerebral TV Dramas
  • Witty Suspenseful TV Shows
  • Critically-acclaimed Witty Romantic Movies
  • Suspenseful Independent Movies
  • Mind-bending Movies
  • Goofy Kids’ TV

What I’ve learned about myself: I like things that are witty, on TV, and yet, mind-bending. That’s the last time I rate Inception 5 stars.

Friend Request Denied

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by

Here’s a question: Would you accept the Facebook friend request of someone you went to high school with (EIGHT YEARS AGO), but they never once spoke to you whilst in high school, nor even gave you the time of day because they were too busy hanging out with the “cool kids”? Also, they’re really tall and dumb (He once stole Molly’s Senior Shirt from gym. Thanks to some Veronica Mars style detective skills, she figured out it was him and he claimed he found the petite women’s shirt in the lost and found. He’s like, 6’5″ tall. Molly – not 6’5″ tall).

Asking for a friend.

5 Movies I Have To Watch When They’re On TV

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Close-up shot of Cameron's nude Rose sketch wi...

 

You probably have a similar list. You’ve seen movies of this ilk hundreds of times, hell, you even own a copy. But if it’s on TV, that’s something completely different.

Even though I may not have enough time to sit and watch the film in its entirety, I still have it playing in the background. There’s just something about it being on my TV screen at a random time that’s so exciting. So here’s my list of movies I’ll never change the channel on.

Mean Girls

Easily one of my favorite movies of all time, so when TBS decides to run it, I’m cheering for Glen Coco and attempting to do the Rockin Around The Christmas Tree dance. It also reminds of a simpler time, when Li Lo wasn’t as out of control. RIP 2004 Lindsay.

Titanic

Again, this is obviously one of the greatest films ever made. But who has 3 hours and 17 minutes to spare? If you’re lucky enough, maybe you’ll catch either the part where Jack brings Rose down to the steerage party or when the ship *spoiler alert* starts to sink.

A Walk to Remember

Oh Jamie Sullivan, how you have left a mark on all of us. I believe this was the beginning of the Nicholas Sparks romantic movie reign, so when I first watched this in the movie theater, I had no idea someone was going to die after an epic love story. It was a revelation. I also get a sense of nostalgia when I watch this movie, because my friend gave me the soundtrack for one of my birthdays, and I listened to it nonstop. Hellooo 2003.

Bring It On

I feel like I don’t even have to explain this one. You’re lying to yourself if you haven’t stopped to watch this jam. Brr.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

I just realized the trend with all these movies is that I watched them as a kid/teen, so naturally if I want to revisit my childhood, I just need to pause and check out young Traci right before my eyes. No matter how many times I watch Willy Wonka though, it’s just as magical as it was the first time. Sure, I can tell production wise how 1970s it looks, but for godsake, there was a chocolate river with a boat and a drugged out tunnel!!!!

 

 

Live Blog: Golden Globes 2013 aka The Day We Died Because of the Fey/Poehler Takeover

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Happy Golden Globes day!!! We’ll be liveblogging throughout the show, so make sure you refresh this page to keep up!!!

Bitches getting shit done.

Welcome to the live blog of the Golden Globes 2013!!!

M. Kelly Osbourne. Kelly Osbourne always looks like she’s from the capitol in Panem.

T. BTW, we are watching the E! Red Carpet, mainly because I enjoy Ryan Seacrest, but I also have no interest in seeing Al “I sharted” Roker interview the likes of Daniel Day-Lewis and Hugh Jackman.

M. I’m trying to memorize what Amy Adams is wearing so I don’t get her confused with Jessica Chastain.

T. You know what’s always jarring? Seeing ANY of the Downton Abbey stars in modern day clothes. Lady Mary is on FIRE.

M: SO glad you mentioned Downton so I could go record it. I’m missing that and Girls for the Golden Globes. I mean… nobody really “misses” tv anymore. I’m watching them on the internet later. Clearly.

T: Sidenote: I JUST LOVE AWARDS SHOWS SO MUCH. Especially the Golden Globes. After the Emmys, it’s my favorite, because everyone’s boozed up and the best of TV and Movie people are there!

T: Is anyone doing the Golden Globes drinking game? I’m still at work and forgot to bring alc.

T: OMG FIRST SHOT OF TINA AND AMY AND I LEGIT JUST HAD A TEAR IN MY EYE!!!! HOW AM I GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS

T: THEY’RE BACK!! THEY LOOK SO HOT! LOVING AMY’S LOOK

M: OMG AMYYY Look at you! When I want to look really fantastic, the ideal I keep in mind is “divorced Amy Poehler.”

M: Also Tina Fey has a Kate Middleton-worthy hair cape. And her shoes look hard to walk in.

M: Contemplating the Golden Globes drinking game. I have to wake up at 6:30 to write law books though… (I’m in EST if that makes me seem less pathetic?)

T: Oh lord, I never thought I’d see the day NeNe Leakes would be strutting the Golden Globes red carpet

T: OH YEAH. JOHN KRASINSKI. SMOKE.SHOW.

M:  Aziz Ansari has a  “whattt? that’s racist… don’t say that again” dance move, which he attributes to his “chocolate skin tone.”

M: Little Michael J. Fox exactly looks like a little Michael J. Fox. Well I mean, he is slightly taller.

M: Jessica Chastain is in seafoam, Amy Adams in ballerina pink. Also I don’t know what my problem is because they really don’t look alike.

T: I wonder if it’s every awkward when a celeb’s significant other (who isn’t as famous) is asked to move out of the way in the press line so they can get a solo shot of the star…

T: Whoa Don Draper, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve seen you on the red carpet!

M: Rosario Dawson will always be Mimi to me. I hope she sang “Out Tonight” as she got ready.

T: J-Law! My BFF! Wait her boobs look like they’re protruding out of her body. Really hoping she says something awk sauce. Ok, nothing awkward, except the fact that she has the flu and had to put her hand on Seacrest’s arm as she went down the stairs.

M: Hell YES Jennifer Lawrence is here! Is her hair color different? Her tan line is showing, not that I’m looking at her boobs. Pretty dress though! Love the color.

M: T, Did you know Taylor Swift was nominated or did you purposefully stay away from that info? Her hair may be in a confusing side-chignon thing.

T: I did subconsciously know Swifty was nominated, however I think I forced myself to forget that fact. Although that song was really good in THG. But she still doesn’t belong here. “SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE”

M: Amanda Seyfried: “I learned [to pose] from Anne Hathaway, she’s a really good poser.” I’m sorry, DOES ANNE HATHAWAY EXCEL AT EVERYTHING?!

M: Hugh Jackman’s hair looks kind of Ron Swanson-y in the front.

M: Taylor Swift’s dress is kind of the color of chocolate, which reminds me that now is a good time for everyone to go get a snack. Right now, while she’s talking.

M: My nephew Henry, two, just wandered in. I asked what Claire Danes’ dress made him think of. Apparently it evokes Elmo.

T: So like, can I get some of the anti-ageing potion Hamm’s clearly drinking? Because Price Charming looks fioooone.

M: Hamm may be drinking it, but his wife is injecting it. Her cheeks are super tight and shiny. I’m not judging because I almost bought Botox via Groupon last month.

M: Keith Urban. My brother-in-law saw him shooting an album cover when he lived in Nashville and said he was like a really fancy well-groomed cowboy. So many highlights!

T: ADELE!!!! Love it. It’s always great trying to understand what she’s trying to say. Also, should the HFPA (Hollywood Foreign Press Association) just give her the award right now? She’s so great.

M: I can’t deal with Adele not revealing her baby’s name. Her eyelashes are enormous and must make it really hard to blink and see.

M; If you missed it Puffy just half-heartedly congratulated Sienna Miller on her baby. I don’t know what manner of baby she has but I’m assuming s/he’s no Blue Ivy. Wait, maybe he congratulated her on something else. I was too busy paying attention to how weird this situation felt to me.

T: In what world are Sienna Miller and P Diddy friends? I’m confused. She said they’ve been friends for a long time and have nicknames for each other. Heh?

M: I’m so embarrassed that I wrote “Puffy.” I am from 1998.

T: Kristen Bell is the CUTEST preggo!! I can’t say I’m in love with her dress though (PS Shameless Plug:: look out for our Best/Worst Dressed post later!)

M: Marion Cotillard is one of my favorite people to wish I looked like, but I really preferred her shorter, wavier hair. It’s not bad but if I were Marion Cotillard I would want everyone to be looking at my face.

M: Julianna Marguelis. I am misspelling your name but you are wearing this weird sheer thing that’s slowing down my processing.

T: ER REUNION WITH CLOONS AND NURSE HATHAWAY. I AM VERKELMPT. I appreciate a TV good reunion, especially of the candid variety.

M: Clooney and Marguelis just hugged for a million years. I love them so much.

T: BTW, I’m still at work, but obvi got everything done early to liveblog this bitch. But since I’m here, I’m watching the E! Red Carpet at my desk, and turned on the NBC show at my boss’ desk (who is not here). Every few minutes I literally run into the other room to see if anyone I like is being interviewed. I’m insane.

M: There are so many high necklines and so much loose, straight-ish hair tonight. See e.g. Kate Hudson.

M: I always vaguely feel like I’m not supposed to like Sofia Vergara but I LOVE Sofia Vergara.

T: I fucking love Sofia Vergara. I could lit’rally listen to her talk for days.

M: Is Ben Affleck’s facial hair for a role or just for funsies?

M: Got a quick view of Anne Hathaway’s hair and it looks very Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber. I hope the internet doesn’t think that’s an insult because it’s not.

T: People in a oneshot: Paul Rudd, Jessica Alba, and Anne Hathaway #OnlyattheGoldenGlobes

M: I wonder if people are going to like Kerry Washington’s dress, but I think it looks fantastic on her. Maybe would have pulled the hair off her face but that’s just because it’s a good face (see, Cotillard).

T: I don’t watch Scandal, so basically anytime I see Kerry Washington, I think, ‘Hey, that’s the girl from Save The Last Dance!!’’

T: LEO!!!!!!!!! I appreciate that he always shows up to the GGs. I really hope Kate shows up so he can thank her in his acceptance speech

T: Apparently, P Diddy and Sienna Miller have been friends for a while, as told by this article from 2007. They partied together. Of course.

M: Kelly Osbourne said that T.Swift would show up sexy and SHE DID. That’s not how I felt but OK, Kel. Not that Swift isn’t pretty but that’s just not how she reads to me ever.

T: A SEX BOMB, KELLY OSBOURNE? NO. TAYLOR SWIFT IS NOT A ‘SEX BOMB.

M: How I’ve missed hearing that Tina Fey/ Amy Poehler introduction from the Weekend Update era!

M: Poehler just referred to the “rat-faced people of television”, and I love her.

T: Tina looks like she came straight out of one of her Garnier Fructis commercials.

M: Fey: Gervais isn’t here because he is no longer in showbusiness.

M: Fey just offered to call child services for Dunham. I also feel like Lena Dunham is too young to be doing her show, but that’s only because that means that by your mid-twenties it’s acceptable to have your own tv show. I have my own car and phone and dog! And that’s it.

M: I love when Amy Poehler puts on the mean Boston lady thing.

T: BOSTON REPRESENT!! Poehler is amazing when she brings back her accent!

M: First (Only??)Anne Hathaway/ James Franco Oscars trainwreck reference. Well done, Ms. Fey.

M: Nobody has PLANS to do porn. – Amy Poehler. PREACH. It just happens sometimes.

M: Is Tina Fey’s pronunciation of Les Miserables with a thick French accent going to be a running gag? Hope so!

M: This is like watching a really good, crazy-fancy Weekend Update.

Best Supporting Actor. Our Predictions:

Best Supporting Actor
T: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
M: Leonardo DiCaprio
WINNER: Christoph Waltz!
T: Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard are at the same table as Denzel, and right behind Daniel Day-Lewis. How much are they SHITTING themselves right now??

M: Well, we were both wrong. Christoph Waltz won best supporting actor. In related news, Traci and I have not seen Django Unchained.

T: Leo upset at the top of the show! Wah Wah. If you need any consoling, let a sista know.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television
T: Maggie Smith
M:Maggie Smith
Winner: Maggie Smith!

M : Damn, we’re good at this already. Also, who else can’t believe that Hayden Pannetiere was nominated?

T: One of my favorite things about the GGs is the mingling that happens between stars during commercials. Hoping there’s plenty of surprising air kisses made between two unlikely celebs.

M: A Lea Michele hair commercial is on and I think this should be more of a Tina Fey hair commercial night. I just don’t believe her when she says that I’m “totally worth it.” It’s the “totally.” It’s just too much. Like when someone says they’re 200% sure of something, I’m way less confident than when they just leave it at 100%.

T: Hayden Pannetiere (sp?) just tweeted: “There ain’t anything like a Dame. Congratulations Dame Maggie Smith! It was an honor to have my name mentioned in a category with you!” Who wants to bet that she had that tweet ready the day she was nominated??

M: She had a separate draft saved for each other nominee. Smart girl, that Hayden.

Best Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television
T: Game Change
M: Game Change
WINNER:Game Change

M: Why aren’t we in the Hollywood Foreigh Press? I am none of those things but Traci is both Hollywood and Press. We’re batting… something. I don’t know how to do sports things, I’m really sorry.

T: Ok, every time I see Danny Strong, I can’t help but think he was Paris Geller’s boyfriend on Gilmore Girls. I mean, he’s making big moves – he’s writing the screenplay for Mockingjay!!!!!

M: The audio cut out for a sec but I think that’s just because someone started swearing REAL bad. Michael J. Fox’s son, maybe? He might be a loose cannon.

M: OH SNAP, the director of Game Change just listed Sarah Palin as one of the great impressions of Sarah Palin. I’m sorry I keep saying 1998ish things like “Puffy” and “Oh Snap.” Here are a few more: Tamagotchi. GigaPet. Ally McBeal’s Dancing Baby.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television
T: Jessica Lange
M: Julianne Moore
WINNER: Julianne Moore.

M: Did everyone know that Julianne Moore has a daughter who looks like Lindsay Lohan before everything went so wrong? In case you didn’t, now you do.

T: NO YOU DID NOT JUST START SINGING ‘DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING’ RN. NO YOU DID NOT. SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT.

M: Embarrassed for Zeta-Jones. Not as bad as Joey Potter but NOTHING is that bad. It’s like a lullaby from a baby’s fever nightmare, the Holmes On My Own rendition.

T: Does this broad know where she is….Oh the cameras aren’t scanning per her request. What does she do for the HFPA? Also is she wearing a vest made out of faux diamonds? LOLZ INDUSTRY JOKE. No but really, is this person real? I need a gif of Bradley Cooper’s reaction to her “Call Me Maybe” offer right now.

M: Dr. Aida Something-Something told the camera to scan the room and the camera didn’t scan the damn room. Don’t they know who she is? No? Me either.
She’s self-deprecating, though. And hilarious? Old-lady funny? Mildly amusing?

M: Mimi Marquez (Rosario Dawson)  is wearing a peplum outfit thing. Good color on her. Can we all just admit that none of us knew that that was called “peplum” til last year? Pre-2012 I would have described it as “a Judy Jetson thing.”

Best Actor, Drama
T: Damian Lewis
M:John Hamm
WINNER: Damian Lewis

T: Sgt. Brody FTW! If you haven’t watched Homeland yet, get into it. All the cool white people are doing it. (and that JAZZ)

M: So… I should probably watch Homeland, huh? I’m not a “cool white person” but what I lack in cool I make up for in being exceptionally white.

T: Oh Lord Licorice Paul Rudd’s vamping is amazing. Selma Hayek, however, not so much. “Something about best TV”

Best Television Series, Drama
T: Homeland
M: Downton Abbey
WINNER: Homeland

M: Is Claire Danes about to ugly cry? DO IT DANES DO IT. My favorite Danes ugly cry is from her underrated work in Brokedown Palace. It’s like her face crumbles into itself.

T: Re: people mingling during commercial: RDJ kissing the cheek of Mel Gibson. Multiple times.

T: So I’ve been marathoning The West Wing for the past couple of weeks, and John Goodman shows up, and reinforces the fact that I have an unreasonable fear of him. But as he’s standing there next to the awk guy while introducing Argo, he seems ok. I just can’t separate fiction from real life.

M: For some reason I was completely, irrationally mad as a kid when I found out that John Goodman’s daughter is named Molly. I think because I imagined a child, female version of John Goodman, and that is a really unfortunate image to share your name with.

T: Ben Affleck then a shot to Jennifer Lopez. Remember when Bennifer happened?

M: Remember when they got super close to the wedding then called it off? I do, because I think it was supposed to be on my birthday. Now the only thing that happened on my birthday was I was born. I mean, so was Amy Winehouse, and the lady who started Planned Parenthood. But it’s no Bennifer wedding.

Best Original Score:
T: Lincoln
M:Lincoln
WINNER: Life of Pi

M: I didn’t see Life of Pi yet but apparently the score makes ample use of the triangle.

T: “Please welcome international music sensation Shakiki (sp?)” What? I legit thought you said Monkiki (apparently, this is the SNL portion of the liveblog)

Best Original Song
T: Skyfall, Adele
M:Suddenly, Les Miserables
WINNER: Skyfall, Adele

T: GIF OF ADELE HIGH FIVING DANIEL CRAIG, PLEASE. I LOVE YOU. Remember when she won the Grammy for Best New Artist and freaked out over the Jonas Brothers being there?
Meanwhile, Taylor Swift is pissed that she couldn’t use her ‘surprised face’ right now.

M: Adele, you are adorable. I hope Swift has some paper out and is taking notes on how to seem graciously surprised at winning. Also Taylor would 100% redeem herself right now if she ran up and grabbed the award. I’d be mad at her but it would make for such a good GIF!
But I am so mad that Adele said “my son” and didn’t name him. Is the name awful? Unpronounceable? Boring? There must be something wrong with that baby’s name.

T: Tina Fey’s Damian Francisco actually looks like it could be an alternate world Johnny Depp. Someone already made up a faux Twitter for Darcy St. Fudge. Waiting for the next one. Well played, internet.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television
T: Clive Owen
M:Kevin Costner
WINNER: Kevin Costner

M: I got SO into Hatfields and McCoys. I think I was mostly a Hatfield girl but I do like a good McCoy now and then.

T: I actually … do NOT care, Kevin Costner. For an actor, you have a very monotone voice.

M: NO ACTUALLY NO BILL SLICK WILLY CLINTON!!! I’ve loved him since I had a kind of confusing crush on him when I was like eight (that has lasted til the present day). From the look on her face Lena Dunham feels the same way. I feel bad for the young girls of 2000 – 2008 because they really never had the opportunity to have a conflicting presidential crush. I like to think even the people who like GWBush didn’t LIKE him-like him.

T: EXCUSE ME?! BILLY C?! WHAT THIS IS AMAZING. STANDING O FOR THE GREATEST PRESIDENT IN OUR LIFETIME. Next to Obama.

M: I know you can’t see this in the post, but Traci and I both stopped typing as Clinton was talking because he is a man you respect. And because he’s so dreamy oh my goodness.

T: I mean I actually stood up and started clapping, that’s why I stopped typing.

M: By the way, I was probably too dumb to understand Lincoln but It did make me  wish I had a sidekick who made folksy, apt anecdotes to explain situations like Abe.

T: I CANNOT with Kristen Wyeg and Will FARrell. JK, this is the SNL portion of the show. This is like Garth and Kat times a million. I am actually crying with laughter.

M: If you’re reading this in the future (“the future” being like 1/14 or later) please find a clip of Wiig and Farrell presenting. So so funny.

Best Actress, Comedy or Musical
T: Jennifer Lawrence
M: Judi Dench
WINNER: JENNIFER FREAKIN LAWRENCE

M: I like Jennifer Lawrence winning more than I like being right about who won. She just joked about beating Meryl and I love her. Also she refers to her brothers being “mean to her, yet really supportive and loving,” which is pretty much the story of having older brothers, am I right?

T: Ok and now I’m crying because I’m so happy for her! Just the absolute greatest. No one else can say they beat Meryl and still be lovable about it!

T: JKras and KBell together?! My heart swoons to be between those two.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television
T: Mandy Patinkin
M: Ed Harris
WINNER: John McCain Ed Harris

M: Megan Fox’s face looks like it’s sculpted out of really fancy candle wax. The good kind, like the stuff they made those wizard candles out of at those mall kiosks in the mid-90s.

Best Supporting Actress:
T: Anne Hathaway
M: Sally Field
WINNER: Anne Hathaway’s ugly crying.

T: ANNE HATHAWAY JUST SAID “BLERG” 30 Rock shoutout!! AND Princess Diaries shoutout!? Ok, Anne Hathaway, you can keep this award.

M: She also just referenced the Princess of Genovia. I love Hathaway.

T: Surprise mingling: Adele and Jennifer Gardner. It’s a small room, so maybe the Afflecks will run into the Lopez-Smart contingent? The night is still young.

M: Maybe they’re talking about their babies and Garner is bragging that hers all have NAMES.

Best Screenplay
T: Silver Linings Playbook
M:Argo
WINNER: Django Unchained

T: Ugh, Quentin Tarantino I wasn’t suspecting you to get this either. So over you. I’ve actually stopped listening.

M: Again, we didn’t see this movie. But from what I hear, ¾ of the screenplay is just the direction [guy shoots other guy].

M: Jeremy Irons is wearing quite the frock-coat.
T: SCAR! Oh sorry, Jeremy Irons.

M: I think it’s about time to bring Tina and Amy back out. Anyone wanna bet what Billy Clinton is doing right now? Greenroom eating some vegan stuff? Mingling with everybody? Stealing my heart?

Best Actor, Television Comedy or Musical
T: Louis C.K.
M: Louis C.K.
WINNER: Don Cheadle.

T: Come awwnn. I’m not doing that well on my ballot anymore… the HFPA always throws a curveball. So weird.

M: Every time I hear “Matt Blank” I think someone is just trying to Ellis Island-ize Matt LeBlanc.

T: Remember when Arnold was the governor of the state I live in? And what happened to Rocky’s neck/lack of neck?

M: Holy crap it’s like his head is held on by his shirt collar.

Best Foreign Language Film
T: Amour
M:Amour
WINNER: Amour

M: We have reached the point in the evening where I look at the categories left and think that the show couldn’t possibly take another hour and a half, let alone run long. And yet…

T: They should have specifically put subtitles up for this category alone.

M: I feel like I SHOULD like Lea Michele but I just don’t. Also she’s so so tan. Her entire body looks like when 12-year-old girls try to wear bronzer and layer it too much.

T: Rachel Berry is pulling her best Angelina Jolie right now. And it’s not working.

Best Actress, Drama
T: Claire Danes
M: Claire Danes
WINNER:Claire Danes

M: In case you didn’t feel inferior to her already, Claire Danes won a Golden Globe at 15. Is she drunk a little?

T: Glenn Close looks like she’s crying for her loss. Also, Claire why do you have raccoon eyes? Maybe that’s why Glenn Close is upset. Stop trying to make jokes Claire. It’s not funny. Remember the Emmys? Your ‘holla’ was not funny then either.

M: Claire Danes is drunk a little.

T: Definitely drunk a little: Sacha Baron Cohen. Calling Russell Crowe out!! Ballsy. We so called this when we liveblogged it.

Best Animated Film
T: Rise of the Guardians
M: Brave
WINNER: Brave

M: I was watching Brave (for the second time…) with my nephews last week and one of them said that I’m like Merida (read: red-haired), but that I “would need to get married.” And I was like what is wrong with you, you missed the ENTIRE point of the movie. Then he suggested that I could marry his dad, except he’s already married. Yeah, kid. Married and also my BROTHER.

T: Ballot regret: Choosing a winner in permanent ink but immediately having qualms over the pick. You can file Brave under Ballot Regret.

M: Which Downton lady is wearing the giant turban? The camera didn’t linger long enough.

T: I totally forgot about Julian Fellowes’s lady friend that wears the turban. ^to answer your question^

M: I was about to ask where they’ve been hiding Fey and Poehler but the next category explains it:

Best Actress, Television Comedy or Musical
T: Amy Poehler
M: Amy Poehler
WINNER: Lena Dunham

M: I LOVE love Girls, but I’m not sure about this. She kind of reminds me of Jerry Seinfeld in that she’s the brain behind the series, but I don’t necessarily see her as a great actress.

T: Girls is the best (slash omg it comes back tonight!). Major props to Lena, and I think I’m ok with her winning over Amy and Tina. I usually hate when people bring up speeches, but that was really sweet. In fact, I’m tearing up a little. She plays every role (actress, writer, director, producer) on the show, so well deserved. But can someone in the press room get her new shoes tho?

M: However, Dunham is stealing my heart here with her shaking hands. I think the short hair really works on her, never noticed her eyes before really.

T: I feel like it’s been AGES since Tamy (tina/Amy) have been out on the stage! But so worth the wait though. If that’s Glenn Close wasted, I don’t want to know what she’s like on drugs (or maybe I do).

T: Sidenote, if Tina dances with Glenn at a party tonight, I want to be there. No, but really, how do I get invited to a Golden Globes after party?

M: No pressure but if you crash one we’ll probably get internet famous and if you don’t crash one you’re ruining my life.

T: Is Jodie Foster old enough to get this award? The last three people to win it were Martin Scorsese, Robert DeNiro, and Morgan Freeman. I mean, good company, but … really? Oh she just said she’s 50. Ok. Still not old enough.

M: I hope this doesn’t mean that Jodie Foster is secretly terminally ill. Else she should have 30-50 more years of lifetime. What if she stops achieving after this? (I would)

M: This ENTIRE show was brought to you by SNL (See Foster’s Sally O’Malley impression).

T: I knew it Jodie Foster, you were trying to be funny. But it didn’t work. Oh lesbians.

M: Did EVERYONE start swearing at once? The audio was gone for like 30 seconds.

M: So Jodie Foster’s announcement is that she’s not Honey Boo Boo child? I know, I know. You will NEVER be as majestic as one Alanna Thompson.

T: If this speech is supposed to make me like you more, it’s not working.

M: She’s drunk or she meant for this to happen. I don’t know which one to choose to believe. I presume they can’t cut you off in a lifetime achievement speech. I take this back if she is dying because is that what she was saying – re “never being on any stage again?” And everyone in the audience is weeping and I have NO CLUE what’s going on. And she closed with calling herself lonely. That was so sad and I don’t even know what just happened.

T: I don’t know why I didn’t think of this earlier, but Tumblr came to the rescue in the gif department. Here’s the Adele/Daniel Craig gif I requested earlier!!!

Best Director
T: Ben Affleck
M: Steven Spielberg
WINNER: Ben Affleck

T: SUCK ON THAT, OSCARS. BEN AFFLECK FTW!!! Everyone’s standing because Hollywood loves him. Except maybe J Lo.

T: SHUT UP JAY LENO. YOU’RE THE WORST. I JUST WANT JIMMY.

Best Television Series, Comedy or Musical
T: Girls
M: Girls
WINNER: Girls

M: SO HAPPY!

T: Oh geez they’re making Lena walk again. Just take the shoes off. I do adore the group hug the ‘Girls’ had.

M: Lena Dunham: “Do you guys want to make any sounds?” I love that cast. I also didn’t recognize Allison Williams at first.

T: Where’s Leo? Probs drinking his sorrows away with Kate in a secret bar at the Hilton.

T: One more thing about Girls, I am so pleased that Lena and co. were presented with the award by Jimmy Fallon, who Lena had a crush on throughout her formative years. Watch her fangirl to him when she appeared on his show for the first time. She wrote a play about him!!!

Best Actor, Comedy or Musical
T: Hugh Jackman
M: Bradley Cooper
WINNER: Hugh Jackman

M: I stand by what I said before about Jackman’s Ron Swanson hair. In addition, I think he’s using the same body bronzer as Lea Michele.

T: I secretly hoped it would be B Coop to win this, but Jean Van Jean was just no match. Any other year, I think he would have won this. Also, this means that he probs won’t win the Oscar. Prove me wrong, Academy.

Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical
T: Les Miserables
M: Silver Linings Playbook
WINNER: Les Miserables

M: Hathaway CHRIST you can’t just thank people willy-nilly.

T: Fantine is already drunk. WTF just happened to you.

M: You’re right, she’s wasted.

T: I really just want to watch Silver Linings Playbook again. If you haven’t seen it, get on it. Even if you have no idea what it’s about.

M: Agreed, I would absolutely see that again. Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence were both just amazing.

Best Actress, Drama
T: Jessica Chastain
M: Jessica Chastain
WINNER: Jessica Chastain

M: If you haven’t seen Zero Dark 30, do. Chastain was incredible.

T: Literally just said “Awwww” outloud to Jessica Chastain’s win. I haven’t even seen Zero Dark Thirty. She just looks like a nice girl

M: She looks like someone I know and I can’t place who. I mean other than Amy Adams. Again, they really don’t look alike but I can only tell the difference when they are side by side. I’m the same way with Coke and Diet Coke.

M: Annnnd there go my first real tears of the night. Still can’t believe Kathryn Bigelow wasn’t nominated for an Oscar.

Best Actor, Drama
T: Daniel Day-Lewis
M: Daniel Day-Lewis
WINNER: Daniel Day-Lewis

M: Traci, I think we’re more right when we agree with each other.

T: ^Fact.
Olympics reference! I had no idea DD-L was a jokster.

M: I can’t un-see Abraham Lincoln in DD-L’s face now. But it’s weird not hearing him in that old-timey Midwestern accent, right?

T: Julia! She totes said “Drama” like Derek from Happy Endings.

Best Motion Picture, Drama
T: Argo
M:Argo
WINNER:Argo

M: I love the people they choose to show after a win is announced. Sean Combs?

T: arGOO! (ugh, sorry). This is a great win. I haven’t seen this movie either, but I enjoy Ben Affleck, so WTG. Also, hey Walter White. Forgot you were in this movie.

M: Poehler: “We’re going home with Jodie Foster!”

T: Me: I wanna go home with Tina and Amy.

M: But not Jodie Foster. She was kind of a downer. Not to mention confusing. I think she’ll be a crying drunk girl later. And I don’t think she even WATCHES Honey Boo Boo.

Traci final score: 15 out of 25

Molly final score: 12 out of 25.

Thanks for reading everyone! We had a blast. Join us next time when we live blog our BFF dance party with Tina, Amy, and Glenn Close.