One of the top cultural phenomena that we’ll remember when we think of 2015: this time we all weren’t sure what color a dress was, AND two llamas got out of a zoo, AND it happened on the same day. And we, the grown adults of the internet, all but lost any chill we ever had.
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Thursday was a DAY, y’all. So, as you’re reading this blog, I think it’s pretty clear that we are fans of the Internet. The Internet has been good to us. It’s connected us with you fine people. It brings us GIFs. It tells us facts in seconds that would’ve taken forever to look up in Encyclopedia Britannica. But yesterday was a day for the record books (Google books?)
It all started in the afternoon when two llamas went on the run in Sun City, Arizona. On the real, according to AzCentral, and I quote, “The llamas were participating in animal therapy at an assisted living facility when they escaped. Authorities believe the llamas got spooked when the door to the trailer they had arrived in opened. They said there was a third llama in the trailer, but it did not escape.”
Thanks to a local news affiliate’s live video feed (#bless), the whole world was able to watch these two run freely in the world for about a 20-minute chase as handlers tried their best to wrangle them.
TBH, I showed up to the party late and couldn’t stay long, as my job doesn’t really allow me to enjoy nice things, so I had to quickly catch up and figure out what was happening. But by the time I entered the #LlamaDrama, there were already a ton of memes floating around. It’s stuff like this that the Internet was made for. We are at are best when we all have to make comments on a ridiculous thing. Here are some of what the Internet folks came up with.
Was that enough excitement for one day? NOPE. Just a few hours later, a girl took to the Internet for advice on a dress someone was considering to buy, and they sent a pic of it asking if it was black and blue or white and gold. Tumblr first went crazy, as they are wont to do, and it then spread to the rest of social media. It soon became a war. Bloodshed. Lives ruined. People actually breaking up. Friendships torn apart. It was a gruesome scene. Even the local news here covered it. Literally the LA news station showed a picture of the dress and asked what color it was. LA NEWS IS NOT REAL NEWS. But I digress.
On Tumblr, GIFs and stills from TV shows were obviously used.
i went to work for six hours and come back to tumblr and my ENTIRE DASH is this dress thing and finally i understand that community gif on a spiritual level
it’s not black/blue, nor is it white/gold. It’s actually cerulean. And you’re also blithely unaware of the fact that in 2002, Oscar de la Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns. And then I think it was Yves Saint Laurent… wasn’t it who showed cerulean military jackets? I think we need a jacket here. And then cerulean quickly showed up in the collections of eight different designers. And then it, uh, filtered down through the department stores and then trickled on down into some tragic Casual Corner where you, no doubt, fished it out of some clearance bin. However, that blue represents millions of dollars and countless jobs and it’s sort of comical how you think that you’ve made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you’re wearing the sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room from a pile of stuff.
And celebrities, who obviously got in on the action. Even Taylor Swift chimed in. Honestly, if Oprah and/or Beyonce tweeted or Instagramed about it it would have been game over.
By FAR, Mindy Kaling had the best response to #TheDress. She was up in arms about it, staying strong in her #BlackandBlue stance, as only Mindy could. It’s exactly the type of response I expected from her, but I am obsessed with just how far she went. Her annoyance got increasingly more dramatic and I feel like she should probably just put this in her show now.
For the record, the folks at Buzzfeed (who started this who viral mess) tracked down the girl who first posted about the dress, and she says it’s black and blue. It’s all about lighting, y’all. Either way, whatever team you’re on – #WhiteandGold, #BlackandBlue, #LlamasOnTheRun, #LeftShark, it’s good to know we can all collectively #BreakTheInternet without actually baring our butts.
HAPPY 24TH BIRTHDAY LOUIS TOMLINSON. IT IS YOUR GOLDEN BIRTHDAY. CELEBRATE WISELY. AND WITH PROFESSING YOUR LOVE (TO YOU KNOW WHO).
Here’s what I knew about One Direction last week:
They are a British boy band, except one of them is Irish.
They sing that song I hate (What Makes You Beautiful. Still don’t like it.)
Also, I knew Drag Me Down but thought it was by Maroon 5? I don’t know, you guys.
I thought it was beautifully shady how the chorus of Perfect sounded a lot like Style.
And I knew who the two cute ones are.
Don’t play. You know exactly who I’m talking about.
What with their new album and a new press-generated controversy every day, One Direction was the perfect candidate for the Things I’m Willing To Believe About series – except, with my scant background knowledge, I had to hit the books. Yeah. I took that hit for you, internet. My research included:
Watching like 4-5 interviews on YouTube.
Googling photos of the members both now and in 2010.
Listening to the new album. It’s a really good, solid pop album to be honest.
Tumblr. Enough said.
The result? I either just became a Directioner – and a Larry? Is that how you do it? – or went through puberty again. Anyway, based on admittedly not that much info, here are some totally not-true “facts” I’m willing to believe about my new favorite British-except-one-Irish-guy boy band:
Liam
The Irish One?
Once hand wrote his favorite poem for a girl he is into.
The poem was by Shel Silverstein.
Most likely to be subject of a Paul Is Dead-style rumor that he died in 2011 and was replaced by a sort-of lookalike.
Because you don’t just grow a kidney like that. Or change faces like this:
Decided to try out online dating. Didn’t believe the other boys when they told him that a fake mustache wasn’t an awesome, foolproof disguise.
Favorite literary character: Gallant of the Goofus and Gallant series:
After a show, he makes the boys watch tape to improve next time.
His favorite t.v. show is the Tim Allen classic Home Improvement.
Instituted a chore wheel on tour. Said it would be fun. Believed it.
But the chore Liam doesn’t know about? Taking away his twitter after he’s said something dumb. The others trade whose turn it is to change his password.
They also hid his hair straightener a few years ago. It was for his own good.
Liam has invested in gold bars.
He loves knock knock jokes.
And “why did the chicken cross the road” jokes.
An old lady once hit Liam in the face with her purse. He had been chasing her for half a block to give her back a single coin that she dropped.
Liam snips apart those six-pack rings so they don’t get caught around birds’ heads.
His MSN name: NotLiamPayne
Has flown a kite for fun.
Owns one of those sticks to pick up litter on the street. Uses it frequently.
Liam once sealed the windows on a tour jet with shrink wrap when he read about the high costs of heating. Oh, bless.
Has a binder full of handwritten translations and phonetic pronunciations of foreign words to use when traveling. Includes a British English to American English section.
Flosses twice a day.
Loves team-building exercises.
Called Niall “Neil” for the first two weeks.
Has a Homer Simpson-style collage, with the letters covered up by photos of Simon Cowell and 1D fans:
Niall
No, the Irish one.
Style inspiration: a my buddy doll.
Is a cross between a dad and a beagle.
Has clear braces.
Is the kind of guy who would do pranks that involve shaving cream.
Is contractually obligated to be “the blonde one.” Can’t wait to change management and finally be free of bleach burns.
Was always the star of the feis with his 3-hand reel.
But his hornpipe is CRAP.
Has kind of a lot of tin whistles.
Owns one of those sweaters your grandma would always buy you when she went to the Aran islands.
Irish-Americans, you know what I’m talking about.
But he kind of, sort of really does believe that legend that if he wears his family’s pattern they’ll be able to identify him in a shipwreck.
Has repurposed Irish oatmeal cans in his home.
You know what? Handy, frugal, and functional.
Is named after Niall of the Nine Hostages.
He lifts because he wants to be “built like Flatley.”
Says his first crush was: the girls in the Corrs.
Actual first crush was: that skanky Molly Malone statue in Dublin.
Suggested the band name because it sounded like it was about frisky Hogwarts students.
Life goal was to be “bigger than Jedward.”
His first paid gig was modeling those gloves that are also sharks in a department store ad as a child.
Louis
Acts chill if you pronounce it “Lewis,” but seethes for hours after.
Hogwarts affiliation: Hot Slytherin.
He says his personal style is “sophisticated rocker-casual.”
But really, it is: small French girl with a secret.
Has definitely been hunting with foxhounds.
But just played with the dogs the whole time.
On a yearly basis, his management has had to turn down offers for him to play a smarmy Edwardian man on Downton Abbey.
His great-grandfather was the artist’s model for the Peter Pan statue in Kensington Gardens.
No, that was a joke. Actually he is the Peter Pan statue from Kensington Gardens, cursed by an old witch to assume human form.
Falls on the “cake” side of the Jaffa Cake debate.
Even though they are biscuits.
Has a Youtube playlist of cheek and jawline toning exercises. They work.
One time, a makeup artist applied light highlighter and contouring to his cheekbones. They literally could cut a man. It was proclaimed “too much.”
Like Phoebe Buffay, insists that he receives 23 points instead of 3 in basketball “because I’m dainty.”
When he calls Harry, the image that pops up representing Louis is a Google image result for “haughty cat”:
Was forced to play Baby Jesus in four successive nativity plays because everyone agreed that you just sort of want to wrap him in a blanket and keep him safe from harm.
Harry
When he has children, it’s because he will find a baby in a Moses basket in a woodland
Was found in a Moses basket in a woodland himself, maybe?
All I’m saying is that I’m willing to believe that he is a changeling:
File under: people who should be wrapped in swaddling clothes and lulled to sleep.
Is a cross between a glam rocker, the most charismatic student at a 1920s boys’ boarding school, and an English Springer Spaniel.
Hogwarts affiliation: Gryffindor, but “culturally Hufflepuff.”
Has a climate-controlled room in his house for his nice blouses.
Smells how you would expect Irish Spring soap to smell based on those commercials where wholesome yet sprightly men gallivant near a waterfall (not how the soap actually smells, which is like “clean uncle” if anything).
Oh. The spring is THERE, thanks.
Whenever they’re in a new city, everyone ends up looking around asking “where’s Harry?” Inevitably, he has gone off to befriend an old lady or a small child.
Has tree fort.
Has secret password to get into tree fort.
There is an elaborate secret handshakes as well.
Harry is working with a publishing company to create an adult coloring book based on his tattoos.
His house is scented with specially formulated candles that smell like exactly like autumn leaves and sunsets.
Can knit.
Over the course of a single ride to a venue, knit a pair of fingerless gloves for a tour driver whose handshake seemed a little cold.
When his boots need repair, he just leaves them outside his door and it is taken care of:
Has been described as a “little scamp” before, albeit less frequently than Louis.
Opposes the term “man bun” because “nobody should tell it what kind of bun it should be.”
Yeah, he has long hair, but you know what? Harry Styles cleans it out of the drain. Every time.
Has a dog-eared copy of Indian In The Cupboard next to his bed.
According to legend, a blind man and a deaf man used to walk together and help each other understand the world. They passed Harry Styles in the park. The blind man turned to the deaf, and solemnly said and signed “he prances.” “I know, I heard,” the deaf man replied.
Almost everything that is going to happen in 2015 has already happened. That means we’ve reached the point where you can sit back and reflect on the year that was … not. None of the following things actually happened in 2015, but the way the past year was, I’m willing to believe all of them.
The fastest-rising baby names were Temerity (girl) and Elfin (boy), springing from the trends toward word names for girls and names ending in “n” for boys.
Middle schoolers across the nation frightened their parents by “kale-ing” – snorting dried kale chips to enjoy the chill buzz of toxins leaving their systems.
The most-downloaded Youtube video in the U.S. was “oops-shite,” in which a British preschooler drops an ice cream cone then shouts “oops! SHITE.” YouTube Grand Master Martin Fillburgh called it a “perfect storm” of a child swearing combined with a non-American accent.
A Today show segment about a popular pair of sweat-wicking socks caused demand to skyrocket; they were selling for up to $15 a pair on eBay by Christmastime.
The most popular Google search was “how to hide political posts from Facebook.” The most popular Yahoo search was “how computer work.” The most popular Yahoo Answers search was “if I am pregnett with baby can baby get pregnett too yes or no.”
A detailed forensic analysis proved that at least two of Shakespeare’s worst sonnets as well as Timon of Athons were, in fact, written by his cousin, Trevor Shakespeare.
The least-attended panel in Comic-Con history was the reunion of Wild West C.O.W.-boys of Moo Mesa, an early 90s cartoon about a community of mutant old-west cows that formed after the prairie was hit by a comet, which I know existed because I watched it every week. Con planners are said to have “seriously misjudged” the pull of 90s nostalgia.
An entire chain of spin studios had to close when a serious strain of ringworm infected up to 70% of the patrons, many of whom didn’t really mind because at least that meant people could tell that they work out.
When pressed for a description of Minecraft, the creator explained “there’s like… these blocks, right? And you make a farm, sort of? But maybe like there are… wars… at times?” He then pulled a nine-year-old child from the audience to explain it better.
Archaeologists at Colonial Williamsburg believed that they had uncovered a 250-year-old time capsule. They scheduled a public opening, where it quickly became clear that it was actually a box of stuff a Colonial man didn’t want his wife to find.
At least seven flights were grounded when the combined GPS signals of the passengers’ Fitbit devices overpowered the plane’s navigation system.
People younger than you started a massive dance craze based on a 1970s Chilean novelty song.
Gwyneth Paltrow’s website, Goop, began selling amazingly ineffective cashmere towels for $475 a piece.
Your favorite show ended.
Somewhere in the United States, a teenager told a friend that they were singing a “song from an old musical” for an audition; it was from Rent.
America, at the end of the millennium.
The National Institute Of Health released a report entitled Everyone Is Fat And We’re All Going To Die: An American Epidemic.
Emily Patton, a 22-year-old recent NYU grad, launched #Married, a business that creates custom wedding hashtags for couples; each hashtag comes with a guarantee that the tag will not be used for any photos not associated with the wedding for up to 6 months after the event.
For the first time ever, 100% of the models in New York Fashion Week were born after 1990; over 10% were born in this millennium.
Someone you went to college with got a pug. And I bet it’s really cute, too.
Ariana Grande placed a drive-through Dunkin Donuts order that she had to repeat 13 times, as the girl CANNOT ENUNCIATE.
The latest hit social network: Mrow, described as “like Vine but for cats, on more of a Twitter interface.”
The fastest-growing subscription box company of the year was Flounce. Once a month subscribers get a box to fill with clothing they already own; it is mailed back to them with minor embellishments like lace ruffles, embroidery, or a bow.
A three-day convention called Handsome, Clever And Rich celebrated the bicentennial of Jane Austen’s novel Emma along with the 20-year anniversary of Clueless. Festivities were held in Surrey and Beverly Hills. Events included speed dating and makeovers; it was described by attendees as well-intentioned but a little shallow.
A Go Fund Me account has raised over $500 for Pizza Rat and his or her children.
Here’s a bit of 90s nostalgia you never hear about: Christmas decorations. That’s because holiday decor of the 1990s, like holiday fashion and holiday television, was delightfully cheesy. In this, the Let’s All Decorate Christmas Special, let’s look back at the Yuletide decor of the 1990s. Then next week, you can revisit 90s Christmas decorations all over again when you visit your parents who are still displaying the ornaments of your youth.
Ceramic Tree With Half Of The Bulbs Missing
For a 20-year period, everyone had one aunt who took a ceramics class where she painted and glazed a Christmas tree. You probably lost most of the bulbs within a decade (especially if you had cats). The “classy” ones were frosted white.
Lights Hung Inside The Windows Because You Didn’t Have An Outdoor Outlet
Outdoor electric outlets certainly existed in the 90s – but more homes hadn’t added them yet, so you saw a lot more lights strung up inside the windows. We’ve come full circle: I don’t have an outlet at the front of my house, so I hang twinkling fairy lights inside my windows.
Giant Bulbs
We are all Chandler Bing. At some point in the 1990s the tiny lights took over, but the big ones are sort of back in a retro way now.
Slow-Moving Animatronic Santa
Even at the turn of the millennium, our technology wasn’t really *all there* yet. It took us 5 minutes to sign on to the Internet and our cell phones were as big as kittens. These slow, jerky electronic Santas were pretty high-tech for the time. Also they looked like they were about to launch into a really awesome break dancing performance at any time.
Aerosol Spray Snow
I was never allowed to have spray paint snow, in part because my mom didn’t want to clean it up and in part because I lived in a city that gets 100 inches of annual snowfall. Still, these aerosol cans of “snow” were all the rage. Some people stenciled elaborate snow scenes, but most just frosted the bottom quarter of their windows and called it a day.
Precious Moments Nativity
Reignite THIS 90s trend, teenaged Tumblr hipsters! Precious Moments, deformed cartoon children who loved Jesus, were popular in middle class homes in the 90s. Somehow I ended up with a hand-me-down set, so just like suburbanites in 1991 I can reflect on these two weird-looking kids who have a baby.
Country Angels
My requisite Grandma Who Was Into Crafting loved making angels … which are now part of my Christmas decoration stash because somebody decided I should have them. There’s a crepe-y one in “country blue,” a doll-like one with a raffia head, a puffy squat plush one, and a gingham-dressed doll with straw hair. Country Angels were the Yuletide companion to those damned country geese. If your mom decorated in powder blue and “dusty rose” and hung quilts on the wall, she probably had a country angel or two to herald the birth of the Baby Jesus.
Those Big Plastic Santas and Snowmen
Before those blow-up decorations burst onto the scene, these big plastic Santas and Snowmen were the in thing. Of course, if you were really into the *reason for the season* you probably had this bad boy:
Ceramic Ornaments You Painted Yourself
Every year as a child, I looked forward to a craft day spent meticulously painting these ceramic ornaments. And every year as an adult, I regret keeping so many terribly painted ornaments from my childhood (turns out kids aren’t actually meticulous).
A Village From Yesteryear
There are still plenty of collectors of Christmas villages, they were just bigger in the 90s. These elaborate villages were complete with cottony snow and tiny carolers. I thought they were awesome, but also sort of a tease because it was a whole set of cool toys that you weren’t allowed to play with.
Christmas villages were usually set somewhere in the 19th century, but has it been long enough that we can have a 1990s Christmas village? Because THAT is something I’d collect.
A Big Victorian Angel
Another thing that technically still exists, but has been phased out by most decorators of our generation. Nowadays people choose stars, less-fluffy angels, conceptual tree-toppers, or nothing at all.
Hess Trucks
I never got the connection between Christmas and Hess Trucks, but some people not only bought them every year (normal) but also displayed them every Christmas (okay).
Collectibles From A Fast Food Place
Fast food glassware is a thing of the past, but in the 90s you could go to Burger King or McDonald’s and obtain a set of Christmas cups or plates. Happy Meal toys could even be called into decorating service:
Yuletide Troll Dolls
I don’t know why we liked trolls so much, but we did – and even adults incorporated them into their holiday decor. There were plush trolls that a child could cuddle on Christmas Eve, too.
Holiday Beanie Babies
Now, everybody knew that the special holiday beanies were more “valuable” so you had to treat these gingerly if you wanted to sell them for big money in 20 years (oops).
A Christmas Barbie
I had friends whose moms collected the annual holiday Barbie. It was usually wearing some kind of swanky gown and displayed with pride in a mirrored curio cabinet.
A Porcelain Doll Dressed Like She’s From The 1800s
They always looked like a cross between a ghost and a rich girl from a Charles Dickens novel.
A Stuffed Bear In Outerwear
I just learned that K-Mart released Christmas bears every year, so I guess that’s where everyone was getting these from in the 90s.
It seems like everything from the 80s and 90s is getting a revival these days – from Full House to The X Files to Jem and the Holograms (although that didn’t go so well). There’s a rush of nostalgia going on right now, but it seems different to us millennials because it actually pertains to us. Instead of wearing 70s-inspired bell bottoms when we were in 7th grade, now we’re the ones who are rocking daisy print baby dolls dresses and jelly shoes. Yeah, I feel old too.
In addition to fashion and entertainment, kids’ toys also somehow make a comeback, with things like Easy-Bake Ovens (which are weirdly futuristic looking now) and Puppy Surprises reappearing. In fact, the Puppy Surprise, you know that stuffed animal that’s holding an unknown number of baby puppies in its velcro sack, made a return last year, and it was so popular that the company had to stop airing commercials because the demand was so high.
Easy-Bake Ovens and Puppy Surprises may have been coveted in the 90s for Christmas, but they’re just as coveted in 2015, too. To make you feel even older, here are a bunch of other toys from our childhood that I would’ve died for as a tot. Or maybe wouldn’t even be mad about seeing under the Christmas tree as an adult.
Talkboy/Talkgirl
We can all thank Home Alone 2: Lost in New York for this gem. The one Kevin McAllister uses was only a prop, but a letter-writing campaign by young fans begging for a real version to be made was launched, and a year after the movie came out, Tiger Electronics finally made a real one and it became one of the most wanted toys for Christmas. Not to brag or anything, but I totally had one. Not even the Talkgirl – the OG silver version. I wasn’t as cool as Kevin.
Sally Secrets Doll
I was one of those weird kids that loved those invisible ink books or having things that had secret compartments, so the Sally Secrets doll was a GD dream. In her shoes, there was a stamp and stamp pad, by pressing a button, stickers would come out of her belt. Genius. That’s why her body is so thick – it’s full of secrets.
Moon Shoes
Is the rise and popularity of NASA in the 90s a direct correlation to the necessity of Moon Shoe toys and grand prize winnings to go to Space Camp from Nickelodeon game shoes?
Tamagotchi
I’m not gonna lie to you guys. It’s the holidays. I not only had one Tamagotchi – I had two. AND a GigaPet. AND I held them all on this super cool, trendy, not nerdy at all red Brine lanyard. Honestly, how did I make it through my youth?
Talkback Dear Diary
Like the Tamagotchi and Talkboy, I’m starting to realize that the trend for 90s toys was primitive technology. The era was when we, as a world culture, were getting into things like the Internet and computers instead of typewriters. So when we upgraded from paper diaries to electronic diaries, it was a huge deal. And one that had a recording device on it? Forget it.
Teddy Ruxpin
Anyone can tell you that if you had a Teddy Ruxpin, you were one lucky kid. I feel like these talking bears were super expensive, and a lot of that had to do with the cassette tapes that came with it. Too many accessories. But did anyone else find him creepy? No? Just me?
Pogs
Story time: In 1995 (20 YEARS AGO HOLY CRAP), I spent my Christmas with my family in the Philippines for the first time ever. Like any nine year old, my memories of this vacation is fairly vague, with a few standout moments in my brain. One of them is opening presents my parents (or Santa?) brought with them from America for me to open in the Philippines. One of which was a Pog maker, as seen in the well-made commercial above. Looking back on it, I must have seemed like the spoiled American to all my cousins who were like, “What is this product? I got a shirt from Santa.” Like, what a douche.
Hit Clips
Here we are again with the primitive technology – except maybe Hit Clips were more of a Kidz Bop version of teens and their CDs. I had both the portable clip and the boom box, and only like 3 songs (2 BSB, 1 Britney) and if I’m remembering correctly, they didn’t even play the whole song? Or there was an option to only play a ‘clip’? IDK all I know is that it’s still in my bedroom at home, even though they don’t work anymore.
Sky Dancers
“Fly for me, just for me… Come to me, dance for me, Skydancers fly for me!” Why are these girls so demanding??
Haven’t finished your holiday shopping yet? Have an unreasonably large budget, no time to arrange a gift yourself, and a total d-bag on your shopping list? Yeah, me either, thank goodness. But for the second year in a row, we DO at least have the Neiman Marcus Fantasy Gifts to remind us that we’re better off than the people who do have those things — plus some low-budget alternatives for the rest of us.
A Motorcycle Day With Keanu Reeves and Keanu Reeves’ Friend Gard
Cost: $150,000.00
First, go to breakfast with Keanu Reeves and Keanu Reeves’ friend Gard – which I’d be into, I mean I’d hit up a good brunch with John Wilkes Booth and Justin Bieber if promised bottomless mimosas. Then go on a motorcycle ride, then go to a cafe. Then take a friend to dinner and ditch Keanu. Or don’t: the man has been through a lot and I hear he’s one of the nicest celebrities. The next day, ride through a forest with Keanu like you’ve just watched the Matrix trilogy before bed and now you’re living in a weird dream. By the way, the 150K price tag does include the motorcycle.
Alternative: A set of Matrix DVDs (like $20 if Target’s running a sale); a moped rental; brunch with your most chill friend.
Couture Diary
Cost: $10,000.00
I’m assuming if you’re buying this, you have the kind of friends who own a lot of couture, so good on you. All right, so the book part of this gift just seems unnecessarily complex:
Scandinavian calfskin cover is vegetable tanned in Scotland exclusively for bookbinding
All tooling is executed by hand in 24-karat gold at the Vogel Bindery in East Hampton, New York
Diary sheets are engraved on premium stock paper with hand-colored borders from The Printery in Oyster Bay, New York
Anyway, then someone draws 20 of your outfits on the Scandinavian cow, Scottish vegetable, Gatsby gold, Oyster paper that lives in the house that Jack built.
The Orphan Barrel Project, which sounds like a cool Orphan Black offshoot but isn’t, collects barrels of old whiskey from abandoned places then sells them to rich people. On this trip to Lexington, Kentucky, you hunt through an old distillery for booze like a troubled teen breaking and entering for the first time. Then you get a whiskey cabinet, some glassware, and a bunch of old liquor that I hope a health department has vetted.
Alternative: Go to your liquor cabinet, or better yet, your parents’. What’s the oldest bottle there, the one that you can’t quite remember buying? Okay, give that to a friend.
A 12-Day Journey Through The Nicest Parts Of India
Cost: $400,000.00
No shade, this sounds amazing and includes a surprising number of rides in private rickshaws, not like those gross crowded public rickshaws the poors take on their vacations to India. I’m most intrigued by kite-flying at a palace, which seems like the Neiman Marcus folks are just throwing together random wonderful things.
Alternative: A cassette tape of that one Alanis song about “thank you India” or whatever.
Going Almost To Space
Cost: $90,000.00
In high school, my brother and I had a coworker who went to Space Camp. My brother knew that she didn’t actually go to space, but wondered aloud whether she “maybe went up in a really high plane or something.” This is basically that: floating at 100,000 feet above Earth for a few hours. If any of you are very rich, I’d like this, please.
Alternative: A telescope; a reminder that we are but specks in a vast, unknowable, and ever-expanding universe; a Carl Sagan book.
An Art Tour Of Italy With A Jewelry Maker
Cost: $150,000.00
This trip includes more arts and crafts projects than you’d think, including playing with clay and “secret paper techniques” (which I imagine ends in you creating the world’s classiest cootie catcher). You have to go to the same glass-blowing “fornace” two days in a row, though.
Alternative: A gift card to JoAnn fabrics. Come at me if you want, I love me some JoAnn fabrics and the folksy suburban ladies I always talk to at the fabric counter.
A Trunk Full Of Iris Apfel’s Stuff
Cost: $80,000.00
Price includes a fancy trunk filled with jewelry and accessories, as well as lunch and a styling session with Iris herself.
Alternative: A copy of Iris, the Iris Apfel documentary that’s on Netflix. It’s life-affirming AF.
A Neiman Marcus Mustang
Cost: $95,000.00
I’ve become jaded by this point, because my reaction to that price tag was “wow, only $95K?” I’d make the most darling rich person. You also get to go to racing school! Manual transmission only, soz.
Alternative: A day at the go-kart track! Everyone loves go-karts, right? Whee!!
Three Guitars
Cost: $30,000 each
Steve Miller, Lyell Lovett, and Billy Gibbons all designed guitars. For a cool 30K you get one of them – not all three -as well as a backstage visit with the musician who designed it.
Alternative: Legit, you can find a guitar for like $30 on Craigslist, and something tells me it’s not too difficult to get backstage for any of these fellows if you really wanted to.
A Casket Full Of Gender Norms
Cost: $5,000
No, okay, what it really is is a custom-painted trunk for a “girl” (pink trunk, four different princess dresses) or a “boy” (primary-colored trunk, superhero costumes). It’s like those McDonald’s Barbie and Hot Wheels toys for the very rich (Stuff 90s Kids Remember: being asked if you want a “boy toy” or a “girl toy” instead of a doll or a car). If you know a girl who is into princesses, or a boy who likes Iron Man, and you have 5K to burn, this seems okay … but I still think this is some kind of bullshit.
Alternative: Dress-up clothes – one of my favorite gifts for the kids in my family! But you don’t have to be so rigid about it.
Last night, the Pilgrims aired on American Experience, and we all learned that the Mayflower was a floating piece of garbage that carried miserable people to a land of despair and death. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Question: Is Ken Burns Involved?
Ken Burns is behind all of the best American Experience episodes. I also had a semi-crush on him back when I assumed he looked like Richard Attenborough, which actually doesn’t help matters and if anything makes it worse, never mind, let’s pretend I never said that.
[It’s Ken Burns’ brother, Ric, who did this one, by the way.]
Comment: Plymouth Rock is the worst.
Anyone been to Plymouth Rock? It’s a literal rock, and it’s not even that big, and there’s honestly no way they could have known that it was THE rock. A crowd of people stand on a platform above the rock and your mom just wants to get a good picture and you just want to go on the replica boat.
Comment: Governor Bradford Was The Eliza Hamilton Of Plymouth
… in terms of being the person who controlled how it was represented in history. And also the Alexander, in terms of writing like he’s running out of time.
Comment: It’s like practically the ONLY thing to do in 17th century England was go to church and the Puritans were like “oh no, this is too fun and interesting, better make CHURCH less FUN.” (No offense, church.)
I mean I’ve never been at church and been like “wow, this music is too good right now. Everyone’s breath is amazing and I am entertained by this decor.”
Concern: They Were A Straight-Up Cult
PBS even said. Ken Burns’ brother Ric said. America wasn’t founded so much on the concept of freedom of religion, so much as by a handful of religious crazies, plus other people who thought there was maybe gold here.
Question: Is a boat being ‘seasoned’ a good thing?
Because it kind of just sounds like a way to say “an old boat.” Granted, the Titanic was brand-spanking-new, but.
Comment: “Two miles an hour;” “Chamber pots everywhere;” “Voyage from hell.”
But on the plus side: two dogs.
Comment: The Pilgrims were heading for the Hudson river, but look, I think we’ve all ended up in Provincetown by accident a time or two.
Concern: PBS says it’s “necessary to ask who the savages were,” but I think we all know.
It’s the people who rode a poop-boat to go camping because church was too fun in England.
Comment: That moment when the pilgrims find a rotting skull on the beach and it has blonde hair on it:
Question: Did Dorothy Bradford kill herself or fall off a boat?
Anyone’s guess, to be honest.
Concern: 50% of the population died by springtime and Bradford was just like, maybe if I don’t write it in my diary nobody will know?
And you know why he did that? Because they propped up the DEAD BODIES AS HUMAN SCARECROWS SO THE INDIANS WOULD THINK THEY WERE GUARDS. I really did need to use all of those caps.
Comment: The Mayflower was sold for scrap.
Question: What really happened at the real first Thanksgiving?
Sounds like not much. They ate dinner.
Concern: These people sure did like decorating with dead bodies.
Propping up pilgrims as human scarecrows, hanging up Indian heads in the town square – just bury them, guys. Just be normal. I’m getting serial killer vibes from all of y’all. The ornament adorning Bradford’s wedding was a head on a pike and linen soaked in blood.
Comment: William Bradford married a 32-year-old woman.
See, all of the relatives I’ll have to see this week?
Comment: Sitting here during this discussion of the high price of beaver like:
“The beaver saved them” – Ken Burns’ brother Ric I guess.
Concern: So, Bradford gets buried in a grave.
Guess the town had all the disembodied heads they could handle.
Comment: Nope, One More Reference To A Head On A Pole Before We Go.
Question: Are we supposed to think Bradford’s journal is legit when a guy just found it in a book store right before the Civil War when there was a “battle” between New England and Southern historians?
Comment: “Somewhere, William Bradford might have smiled.”
But probably not because he’s the kind of man who got married under a rotting head on a stick right?
I knew that Serendipity was a romantic comedy that I hadn’t seen, and I was okay with that. I love the genre, but you can’t see them all, right? That was before last week, when I was saw Serendipity in a listicle of Christmas rom-coms. A Christmas rom-com that I haven’t seen is like my holy grail of Netflix-surfing. God. Anyway, it is streaming on Netflix so I decided to remedy the situation STAT, crossing another item off of our long list of pop culture blind spots in the process.
The film opens with Louis Armstrong singing about Santa. So it’s like, CHRISTMAS-CHRISTMAS, not one scene or something. I am shocked.
Molly Shannon is in this? And John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale? I feel like Cusak and Beckinsale make a weird couple, but okay.
This version of Bloomingdale’s at Christmas-time is actually almost crowded and terrible enough to be accurate.
143 online shopping AAF
It’s time to talk about John Cusack’s haircut. It’s very feathered for the early 2000s, isn’t it? Like a youth hockey coach in 1991.
Everyone is arguing about a pair of gloves at a store. Please, let this movie not be about people I hate. Anyway, they’re trying to have a meet cute – – also they make a transgender joke that’s not necessarily offensive but still surprising for 2001.
They don’t show the part where they wait in line for 40 minutes to get into Serendipity. Those frozen hot chocolates are legit, though.
My friend who went to high school in Long Island knew girls who had “Serendipity days” where they’d go to the city and do stuff that was in the movie, presumably forcing their boyfriends to play along. It was that popular, apparently. I did wait in line to get into Serendipity 3 during its peak popularity, but as I said, the frozen hot chocolate was legit and I have no regrets.
Best part of this movie so far TBH.
I can’t lie, serendipity actually also is one of my favorite words. It’s a long list, admittedly.
Wow. Cusack (Jonathan), a man with a girlfriend, just went straight for announcing to Kate Beckinsale, a woman with a boyfriend, that he has a crush on her. I think this is about people I hate.
They proceed decide to go on a date even though they’re both dating other people, and Kate Beckinsale is wearing a chunky, short sweater like people wore in the early 2000s, along with tights and shorts even though they’re ice skating. In the snow.
Has the costume designer even been to New York? Or, like, outdoors?
Raise your hand if you’d have to beg off from this date because you’re garbage at ice skating.
Ah, yes. Yep. Jonathan begins freckle-flirting. I know that trick.
I think I’m going to end up loving this movie, as I do most rom-coms, but so far (by the end of the day they meet) I’m not sold yet because we’ve been given no information about these people, and no reason to care about them or whether they end up together.
Instead of just “losing his number,” Kate Beckinsale has Jonathan write his name and number on a $5 bill, spends it, then says if it comes back to her it will be meant to be. That is really some high order Manic Pixie Dream Girling.
For the record, we still don’t know Kate Beckinsale’s name.
It’s Sara.
I can’t help but be annoyed that both of these people already have significant others who they’ve been ditching all night.
There are a lot of Christmas sweaters! Non-ironic ones. Were those more popular 15 years ago?
Cool, now Jonathan is making a whole elevator full of people stop at every floor to find the one that Sara whimsically chose so that she could see if there was *fate* or something.
Awesome. NOW Jonathan is grabbing random brunette women on the street from behind while looking for Sara. Bro. Go home to your girlfriend.
A few years later, Jonathan is engaged to not-Sara. Sara is a therapist or something in San Francisco living in a picturesque cottage that’s got to have an insane market value. She also gets engaged in a fire hazard candle death trap with a ring inside of a Russian nesting-box scenario. Can nobody in this movie just do things the easy way?
Now playing: Burn from Hamilton.
Jonathan goes through life imagining Sara everywhere, like that one episode of Full House where the Tanners go to Disney and D.J. keeps seeing Steve.
Sara’s fiance plays sitar (?) and is inconsiderate, so you instantly dislike him and want her to find Jonathan’s manic pixie five-spot.
Molly Shannon is here! Why isn’t she in everything? She is delightful.
OK, but Sitar Fiance is hilarious. I mean you hate him, but he’s so dopey that it’s funny.
Sara and Molly Shannon are in NY to hunt for the guy she could have just given her phone number to years ago.
Know what I don’t miss? Super low-rise jeans.
Molly Shannon, the sassy strait-talking best friend who is all of us, tells Sara that if everything in life were determined by fate there would be no reason to do anything, ever.
It’s so hard to remember which one is Kate Beckinsale and which is Kate Bosworth. Kate Beckinsale, British, has a 16-year-old which I always find surprising. Kate Bosworth, American, was in Blue Crush and 21, a movie I went to on a first date with a guy who turned out to be a mistake.
Jonathan and fiancee Halley are at their wedding rehearsal, which means I may have to hate him for inevitably – but serendipitously! – falling in love with Sara, unless she’s cheating.
But he will fall in love with her, because Molly Shannon turns out to be friends with Halley. Plot twist! SERENDIPITY.
As a groom’s gift, Halley gives Jonathan a book. Not just any book, though! Sara’s Manic Pixie Dream Book with her phone number in the cover.
Either there is a ticking clock sound effect to show that time’s a-tickin’, or there’s a clock somewhere in my house living room that I didn’t know about.
Remember how big cell phones used to be? Remember how they had those little antennae?
There’s some convoluted stuff with Jonathan and Sara both flying places.
Remember when you had to pay for headsets on airplanes?
Anyway, Sara gets the manic pixie fiver on the plane.
The wedding is called off. Jonathan SITS DOWN on an ICE RINK like he doesn’t care that his BUTT IS COLD. People skate around him but you can’t just do that. You can’t just expect people to skate around you. Yet isn’t that what this whole movie is about? Being as impossible as you know how to be and making everyone else skate around you?
Just a generally bad approach to life.
Oh okay cool. Now he’s laying down, just waiting to get run over by skate blades. Like I know your wedding was just cancelled, but you seemed not that into your fiancee anyway, so.
Sara comes to take Jonathan off the ice and they fall in love, then they do that annoying thing with the gloves again.
Is the lesson supposed to be that true love is always fate? Because I think the lesson is really that if you leave things up to fate, you end up having to do 20 times more work to get what you want than if you had just gone after it in the first place.
They are a British boy band, except one of them is Irish.
They sing that song I hate (What Makes You Beautiful. Still don’t like it.)
Also, I knew Drag Me Down but thought it was by Maroon 5? I don’t know, you guys.
I thought it was beautifully shady how the chorus of Perfect sounded a lot like Style.
And I knew who the two cute ones are.
Don’t play. You know exactly who I’m talking about.
What with their new album and a new press-generated controversy every day, One Direction was the perfect candidate for the Things I’m Willing To Believe About series – except, with my scant background knowledge, I had to hit the books. Yeah. I took that hit for you, internet. My research included:
Watching like 4-5 interviews on YouTube.
Googling photos of the members both now and in 2010.
Listening to the new album. It’s a really good, solid pop album to be honest.
Tumblr. Enough said.
The result? I either just became a Directioner – and a Larry? Is that how you do it? – or went through puberty again. Anyway, based on admittedly not that much info, here are some totally not-true “facts” I’m willing to believe about my new favorite British-except-one-Irish-guy boy band:
Liam
The Irish One?
Once hand wrote his favorite poem for a girl he is into.
The poem was by Shel Silverstein.
Most likely to be subject of a Paul Is Dead-style rumor that he died in 2011 and was replaced by a sort-of lookalike.
Because you don’t just grow a kidney like that. Or change faces like this:
Decided to try out online dating. Didn’t believe the other boys when they told him that a fake mustache wasn’t an awesome, foolproof disguise.
Favorite literary character: Gallant of the Goofus and Gallant series:
After a show, he makes the boys watch tape to improve next time.
His favorite t.v. show is the Tim Allen classic Home Improvement.
Instituted a chore wheel on tour. Said it would be fun. Believed it.
But the chore Liam doesn’t know about? Taking away his twitter after he’s said something dumb. The others trade whose turn it is to change his password.
They also hid his hair straightener a few years ago. It was for his own good.
Liam has invested in gold bars.
He loves knock knock jokes.
And “why did the chicken cross the road” jokes.
An old lady once hit Liam in the face with her purse. He had been chasing her for half a block to give her back a single coin that she dropped.
Liam snips apart those six-pack rings so they don’t get caught around birds’ heads.
His MSN name: NotLiamPayne
Has flown a kite for fun.
Owns one of those sticks to pick up litter on the street. Uses it frequently.
Liam once sealed the windows on a tour jet with shrink wrap when he read about the high costs of heating. Oh, bless.
Has a binder full of handwritten translations and phonetic pronunciations of foreign words to use when traveling. Includes a British English to American English section.
Flosses twice a day.
Loves team-building exercises.
Called Niall “Neil” for the first two weeks.
Has a Homer Simpson-style collage, with the letters covered up by photos of Simon Cowell and 1D fans:
Niall
No, the Irish one.
Style inspiration: a my buddy doll.
Is a cross between a dad and a beagle.
Has clear braces.
Is the kind of guy who would do pranks that involve shaving cream.
Is contractually obligated to be “the blonde one.” Can’t wait to change management and finally be free of bleach burns.
Was always the star of the feis with his 3-hand reel.
But his hornpipe is CRAP.
Has kind of a lot of tin whistles.
Owns one of those sweaters your grandma would always buy you when she went to the Aran islands.
Irish-Americans, you know what I’m talking about.
But he kind of, sort of really does believe that legend that if he wears his family’s pattern they’ll be able to identify him in a shipwreck.
Has repurposed Irish oatmeal cans in his home.
You know what? Handy, frugal, and functional.
Is named after Niall of the Nine Hostages.
He lifts because he wants to be “built like Flatley.”
Says his first crush was: the girls in the Corrs.
Actual first crush was: that skanky Molly Malone statue in Dublin.
Suggested the band name because it sounded like it was about frisky Hogwarts students.
Life goal was to be “bigger than Jedward.”
His first paid gig was modeling those gloves that are also sharks in a department store ad as a child.
Louis
Acts chill if you pronounce it “Lewis,” but seethes for hours after.
Hogwarts affiliation: Hot Slytherin.
He says his personal style is “sophisticated rocker-casual.”
But really, it is: small French girl with a secret.
Has definitely been hunting with foxhounds.
But just played with the dogs the whole time.
On a yearly basis, his management has had to turn down offers for him to play a smarmy Edwardian man on Downton Abbey.
His great-grandfather was the artist’s model for the Peter Pan statue in Kensington Gardens.
No, that was a joke. Actually he is the Peter Pan statue from Kensington Gardens, cursed by an old witch to assume human form.
Falls on the “cake” side of the Jaffa Cake debate.
Even though they are biscuits.
Has a Youtube playlist of cheek and jawline toning exercises. They work.
One time, a makeup artist applied light highlighter and contouring to his cheekbones. They literally could cut a man. It was proclaimed “too much.”
Like Phoebe Buffay, insists that he receives 23 points instead of 3 in basketball “because I’m dainty.”
When he calls Harry, the image that pops up representing Louis is a Google image result for “haughty cat”:
Was forced to play Baby Jesus in four successive nativity plays because everyone agreed that you just sort of want to wrap him in a blanket and keep him safe from harm.
Harry
When he has children, it’s because he will find a baby in a Moses basket in a woodland
Was found in a Moses basket in a woodland himself, maybe?
All I’m saying is that I’m willing to believe that he is a changeling:
File under: people who should be wrapped in swaddling clothes and lulled to sleep.
Is a cross between a glam rocker, the most charismatic student at a 1920s boys’ boarding school, and an English Springer Spaniel.
Hogwarts affiliation: Gryffindor, but “culturally Hufflepuff.”
Has a climate-controlled room in his house for his nice blouses.
Smells how you would expect Irish Spring soap to smell based on those commercials where wholesome yet sprightly men gallivant near a waterfall (not how the soap actually smells, which is like “clean uncle” if anything).
Oh. The spring is THERE, thanks.
Whenever they’re in a new city, everyone ends up looking around asking “where’s Harry?” Inevitably, he has gone off to befriend an old lady or a small child.
Has tree fort.
Has secret password to get into tree fort.
There is an elaborate secret handshakes as well.
Harry is working with a publishing company to create an adult coloring book based on his tattoos.
His house is scented with specially formulated candles that smell like exactly like autumn leaves and sunsets.
Can knit.
Over the course of a single ride to a venue, knit a pair of fingerless gloves for a tour driver whose handshake seemed a little cold.
When his boots need repair, he just leaves them outside his door and it is taken care of:
Has been described as a “little scamp” before, albeit less frequently than Louis.
Opposes the term “man bun” because “nobody should tell it what kind of bun it should be.”
Yeah, he has long hair, but you know what? Harry Styles cleans it out of the drain. Every time.
Has a dog-eared copy of Indian In The Cupboard next to his bed.
According to legend, a blind man and a deaf man used to walk together and help each other understand the world. They passed Harry Styles in the park. The blind man turned to the deaf, and solemnly said and signed “he prances.” “I know, I heard,” the deaf man replied.
Sadie Hawkins Day is one of those outmoded holidays that you only hear about on Happy Days reruns or when your grandma is talking about things she misses from the 1940s — and now, I suppose, on our blog**. Sadie Hawkins Dances were held in November, and were the one dance a year when girls were allowed, and even expected, to ask boys out. Oh, how the world has changed. Does anyone even ask anyone to dances anymore, other than promposals?
Sadie Hawkins Day doesn’t have as big a place in today’s world, but we still think it’s a cute historical footnote from the era when we got our holidays from Li’l Abner comics (a true thing). We thought a Sadie Hawkins Day playlist would be fitting: songs originally performed by male artists, covered by female artists. See, it’s just like they always told us when we were kids in the 90s: girls really can do anything.
** Okay, I googled it, and some schools do this. Sounds fun – just remember, you can be the asker-outer ANY day of the year. Or not. Sounds scary.
Traci’s Picks
Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran, Covered by Demi Lovato
Ever since their Disney days, I’ve always said Selena is the better actress and Demi is the better singer. And years later, that still rings true – Demi is a freaking powerhouse and I feel like the world’s finally recognizing that. Here, she takes Ed’s softer version of Give Me Love, and turns it into a song pleading for acceptance, and you can hear the pain in her voice. Gives me chills every time I listen to it.
Riptide by Vance Joy, Covered by Taylor Swift
While Vance Joy’s version is great and obviously suited for his voice, I feel like when I listen to Taylor’s version, it was always meant for her voice. It feels so settled and comfortable there, like a warm, cozy riptide.
Don’t Tell ‘Em by Jeremih, Covered by Lorde
Another gem from the BBC 1 Live Lounge, Lorde delivers yet another haunting performance, but this time with a rap cover. Who knew? Lorde did.
Thinkin’ Bout You by Frank Ocean, Covered by Fifth Harmony
Long before Fifth Harmony was telling you they’re Worth It, they started out as finalists on The X Factor, and after the show ended, they kinda needed to start from the bottom and work their way to the top. To do this, they released a bunch of acoustic covers with the hopes they’d go viral, or at least help build a strong fan base. And it worked. Three years later and they’re platinum selling artists with a VMA to their name. Here’s a reason why. Their voices blend so beautifully and – get ready for it – in harmony.
I Can’t Go For That by Hall & Oates, Covered by The Bird and the Bee
I had a really difficult time deciding which song from this Interpreting the Masters Volume 1: A Tribute to Daryl Hall and John Oates album I’d list here, because every single one is good. Let that be a testament to both Hall & Oates and The Bird and the Bee (which is a duo that includes one male, so I kinda cheated, sorry). But singer Inara George’s soft and relaxing vocals are the perfect match for the synth techno beats that make their version their own, while still respecting the OG.
Molly’s Picks
Skinny Love by Bon Iver, Covered By Birdy
I’ve finally gotten over my 2011-era annoyance at people calling this “Skinny Love by Birdy.” I just felt like Bon Iver was pretty well-known by that point? But with a few years’ space, I can say that this is a beautiful cover, and Birdy’s arrangement is gorgeous. Can you believe she was only, like, 14 here? I can understand why people who didn’t know the song thought Birdy was the original artist, because this sounds like it was written for her voice.
Heart Shaped Box by Nirvana, Covered by Lana Del Rey
Remember Nirvana’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction? It included performances of several of Nirvana’s songs fronted by different female singers. The line up was crazy: Joan Jett, Kim Gordon, St. Vincent, and Lorde. And I could not choose between any of them, although I do have a soft spot for Kim Gordon because she’s just so cool. So instead, here’s a totally different female cover of Heart Shaped Box.
Where Is My Mind by the Pixies, Covered by Sunday Girl
Where Is My Mind is one of those songs where I can never decide if it makes me feel happy or sad, like the musical version of Sunday nights. This slowed-down, orchestral arrangement definitely brings out the more melancholy side of it.
Come On Up To The House by Tom Waits, Covered by Sarah Jarosz
I don’t know what it is about Tom Waits, but a lot of his songs sound great covered by female artists despite his signature not-so-feminine voice. Come On Up To The House is one of Waits’ great bluesy, rootsy songs, and Sarah Jarosz is just the artist to cover it – she’s great at both traditional bluegrass and more modern stuff. She always has a great band, too.
PYT by Michael Jackson, Covered by Tori Kelly
At first I thought it would be hard to come up with five songs, but I could keep at this forever. Just think of all the great Beatles, Paul Simon, Johnny Cash and Bob Dylan covers there are! [I might be a dad. Like, there is a very real chance that I am your dad. But it’s true.] I figured I’d leave us off with Michael Jackson, an artist most male artists can’t cover without going into key change territory. But when you Sadie Hawkins classic MJ numbers, it really works.
Cookies + Sangria 