Summer Memes Make Me Feel Fine: #AskRachel

Ah, Rachel Dolezal. There’s so much to say about you, but we won’t, because this isn’t a political blog. However, this a blog where we talk about pop culture, and (un)fortunately, Rachel Dolezal has seeped into that genre which we fall privy to. Of course, if you’ve been paying attention to the news over the past few weeks, you know Rachel Dolezal is the former president of the Spokane, Washington chapter of the NAACP who has been disguising herself as black since 2007. Her *white* parents came forward earlier this month saying their daughter has been passing for black for years, and when asked by a local news station if she identifies as African-American, she said she didn’t understand the question and awkwardly walked away. Rachel later resigned from her post at the NAACP, but since the Internet is, well, the Internet, by that time thousands of memes had already been made with her likeness, and questioning whether she really IS in touch with black culture or not.

I’d like to note that this particular situation has an overwhelming absurdity to it, while concerning and controversial, the scandal leads itself to humor and parody on its own, which is why this meme post exists. The Internet has become a place where people have no chill (as we’ve proved previously with #TheDress controversy) and while sometimes it can be a scary place, the World Wide Web is also a place for folks to come together and talk about a single topic, even if it can be construed as politically correct. We’re just trying to bring humor to the subject, and we hope you can enjoy that humor too!

 

https://twitter.com/1TreSanders/status/609373974548611073

https://twitter.com/TamaraJanelle/status/609556502966345728

https://twitter.com/SirMikeH/status/609505521780027392

https://twitter.com/Wordplay4Days/status/609392886967369728

***Filipinos do this too***

https://twitter.com/WhereBaeAt/status/609219285651566592

https://twitter.com/itsmeekmel/status/609479829763813376

still don’t know what that phrase means. thanks, drake.

 

my fave

META INTERNET MEME SPIRAL

NO. CHILL. ZONE.

Renting The Runway: A Wedding Story

We’re smack dab in the middle of wedding season, y’all, and last month, I gave out a few tricks on how to make it through these next few months without becoming a bitter betty and exhausted to the max with our Wedding Season Survival Kit. I mentioned that one of the helpful tips is to dress to impress since all weddings these days are highly documented. You can either go the route of using something you already have and mixing and matching, or borrowing pieces, like a site such as Rent the Runway.

I used RTR for the first time this past weekend for my friend’s wedding and I wanted to share my experience (and a few tidbits from my other friends) on using the site, JIC you want to kick your wedding game up a notch this year!

The Process

I started looking at dresses about two to three months before the big day, and made a shortlist on the website by ‘hearting’ the dresses I liked, this way I could easily go back and look at not only the potential dresses, but any accessories as well.

*I consulted with a couple friends about my top few choices, and I wish there was an easier way to share the shortlist with friends and have them comment on which ones they think would look good.

Screenshot 2015-06-17 00.33.53

 

I settled on this Tango Tux Romper by Twelfth Street by Cynthia Vincent, which was $325 retail, and cost me $50 to rent. The wedding I attended was in Malibu overlooking the beach, and I felt the romper was fun yet formal enough for the later afternoon/night event. You have the option of renting an additional size for free, just in case the first one you pick doesn’t fit.

 

The first time you use RTR, you can get $25 off on your entire order over $50, so I decided to throw in this Show Stopper Necklace from Nineteen Pieces and Royal Mail Clutch from Lilly Pulitzer Handbags.

In total, I spent about $90 for a four-day rental. You pick a delivery date one to two days prior to your event, and you have to return it by 12pm on the fourth day. There is also an eight-day option, which is obviously more expensive.

*In the meantime, my friend, who I consulted earlier, was also planning on using RTR for the same wedding. She decided to rent dresses for two other events prior to this weekend’s wedding. The first event was the bride’s bachelorette weekend, and my friend was accidentally sent two long ball gowns meant for a woman in Texas. Since we went out of town for the bachelorette party, it was no use in having RTR send another one because she was leaving the next day. The second event was for a West Coast Reception for our friends’ wedding, and she had no problems. For this past weekend’s wedding, she received an e-mail saying they couldn’t send her the dress she picked out, and had to send her backup options. They sent two dresses – one, a gown Academy Award-ready, and the other, a LBD, which she ultimately ended up using (which I thought looked great!). She contacted RTR and told them because of their eff-up, she had to purchase last-minute undergarments, etc. and luckily, they gave her $100 credit. So, we know customer service is good. Separately, I have a friend who used RTR for a black tie wedding, and everything went swimmingly, while another got the dresses and decided they didn’t look good, so she ultimately didn’t end up wearing it.

The Minor Freakout

Because I had heard mixed reviews ever since I reserved (and paid) for my dress and accessories, I was nervous that either it wouldn’t arrive on time or it just wouldn’t look as good as I had hoped.

The Thursday before Saturday’s wedding, I received an email from a RTR stylist saying the purse I had picked was unavailable. I had to provide five backup choices in order of preference and whichever was available would be sent to me at no additional cost. I was annoyed at first, but ultimately, I was just glad it wasn’t the dress, and I ended up picking a bag that I liked more than my original choice, this Black Faye Clutch from Times Arrow (and twice the price of the orig bag!).

The Arrival

Since I was a psycho and tracked the package every second, I grabbed the box when it arrive at my door around 6pm the night before the wedding. Inside, was a garment back with the two sizes of the romper, the necklace, handbag, and large UPS bag for you to put all the items once you return them. I must say, it felt very fancy, probs because I stick with the plebeian apparel. Anyways, I tried both on and liked how it looked, so no need to send back (also no time). My only complaint is that the shorts material was a tad thinner than I realized, but I made it work. Also, pockets! The necklace was shorter on me than I estimated, so I ended up not wearing it, which is fine, because I basically got it for free thanks to the $25 off and purse situation. The purse smelled brand new (is that weird), and was the perfect size to fit all my items.

Photo Jun 12, 11 53 50 PM

Photo Jun 12, 11 55 16 PM

The Wedding Day

I forgot to mention I paired this outfit with my own black wedges (easy to dance in all night) and earrings I forgot I had which were black and gold and art deco-y. Here’s a horrible picture of my friend (also in RTR) and I but it gives you a good look at the romp!

Photo Jun 13, 6 01 40 PM

We took a pic later in the night, and I’m clearly sweaty from going hard on the dance floor, my friend looks like an angel, it’s fine. Also, I spilled guac (hi, wine) on the front black part of the romp, and while I tried to get it out, it was still a little visible. Luckily, you pay a minimal insurance fee when you rent to cover stupid mishaps like this, so I didn’t freak out about it.

Photo Jun 16, 1 29 26 AM

The Return of The Runway

On Sunday, I packed both rompers, the purse and unused necklace in the provided UPS bag (the garment bag and hangers I could keep) and found a UPS drop box and said my last goodbye and watched it sail softly into the night (slash left it in a dark box).

All in all, I would recommend RTR. Based on my experience, it was easy to use and a slip-up on their part ended up being better than I expected. But based on my friends’ stories, it seems hit or miss. Here’s the bottom line – use RTR if you’re like me and don’t re-wear dresses to weddings and/or big events. Have a backup dress just in case, and if something goes wrong on RTR’s end, don’t be afraid to write customer service, because they will help you as best they can. Now I g2g find another dress for my third and final wedding this August.

Best and Worst: Jurassic Park Dinosaurs

Jurassic Park is back, and you’ll be pressed to find anyone more excited about it than me. Sure, there’s the whole Chris Pratt of it all, but frankly I’m pretty jazzed about the dinos themselves. If you’re old enough to remember the first Jurassic Park coming out, you understand. I used to play Jurassic Park with my next-oldest brother – not a video game, but running around being chased by velociraptors, which somehow always culminated in riding down the stairs in a laundry basket. Kids are weird. And in college, I broke a friend’s heart by explaining why, scientifically, you could not clone dinosaurs the way they describe in the movie. Now I’m a full-scale adult, but I still have definite opinions about the best and worst dinosaurs.

Best Dinosaurs

Brachiosaurus

Why are they the best?

First of all, they’re gentle, like a child’s dinosaur, if you will. Second, they’re the dino that you first see grazing in the distance while majestic music plays, the one that makes you realize that this is legit. And third, dinosaur snot.

Plus, not that I’m a 4-year-old boy with a favorite dinosaur, but the brachiosaurus is my favorite dinosaur.

Dilophosaurus

Why are they the best?

They’re mean and awful, but at least they’re GOOD at being mean and awful. I like how they have dumb Shakespearean ruffs around their necks when they’re angry, and wish that I did too.

Velociraptor

Why are they the best?

They’re the stars of the movie, arguably. Too smart to mess with, and tiny enough that they’d be great pets if they weren’t so vicious. Plus they hate little Timmy as much as I did (Lex forever).

And also Ross Gellar:

Stegosaurus

Why are they the best? Generally a cool-looking dinosaur. Protective of their young. Hate photos, which I can relate to on a personal level.

Pterandon

Why are they the best? Flying.

Tyranassaurus Rex

Why are they the best? Undisputed king of the dinosaurs, first dino everyone learns about as a kid – although let’s be real, there is zero reason to teach kids about dinosaurs, it is quite literally the LEAST relevant thing for them to know. But the tyranassaurus still tops the list of children’s dinosaur knowledge, and it even has a kicky nickname, t. rex. The baby T.Rex is a personal favorite.

Dinosaurs That Shouldn’t Even Bother

Gallimimus

Why are they the worst?

Even when they stampede, they don’t look threatening. They look like a flock of those ballet-dancing ostriches from Fantasia. When your life is threatened by a dinosuar, you should be yelling something cooler than “oh no, the gallimimus are in releve!” 

Parasaurolophus

Why are they the worst?

They “move in herds”…. and that’s it. That’s all they do. Plus they have the giant body/ tiny arms problem to an almost laughable degree. They look dumb, like the dinosaur equivalent of a dog in a giant cone hat.

Plus, their name is really hard to spell.

Tricerotops

Why are they the worst?

You know when you’re around someone who’s sick, and on one hand you feel bad for them, and on the other hand they’re sort of annoying? Yeah. Like that.

Welcome to the SH, Bitch!

Okay friends – it’s time for another exciting theme week here at Cookies + Sangria, and we’ve been looking forward to this one for a while. All this week, we’ll be dedicating our posts to one of our all time favorite shows – Gilmore Girls! Yes, that’s right, the next seven days will be all about Stars Hollow, dissecting characters to an unhealthy level, questionable 00s fashion choices, and in-depth conversations about which boyfriend was really best for Rory.

Besides the fact that we have a deep passion for the Lorelais (yes, even the first Lorelai), we’re also gearing up for the ATX TV Festival in Austin next weekend, where we’ll be watching history in action (that is if we don’t pass out first) when the Gilmore Girls cast reunite for the first time since 2007. It’s going to be EPIC (in the most dramatic sense of the word), and we’ll be reporting live from the reunion on Twitter and Facebook. You can also join us throughout the weekend, when we attend the other awesome panels and screenings of some of our other favorite shows, using the hashtag: #CandSTakeATX !

But before all that goes down, grab your coffee coffee coffee and get ready for all things Gilmore coming at ya this week! Copperboom!

It’s 1995: Let’s All Decorate With Pastel Southwestern Stuff

Welcome to another edition of Let’s All Decorate!, where we explore the baffling interior design trends of days past! Today we look into a craze that swept the nation in the 1980s and 1990s, when pastels reigned supreme and appropriation was king. Long before we were all wearing “tribal print” shorts and flats, our parents were decorating in “Southwestern” style. Today, my friends, our walk down memory lane is lined with cacti.

It’s 1995. You’re a mom shopping out of the J.C. Penney catalogue, and you’re looking to revamp your home’s current look. All of those geese in bonnets and powder blue gingham are so 1890 1990. It’s 1995, Clinton is in office, TLC is on the radio, and “Navajo” motifs are all over page 178 of the fall Sears catalogue. You are modern, you are edgy, you are worldly, and now you own peach and seafoam lamps based on Native American vases. You are my mother. Hi, mom.

I think there were a few months when ducks in bonnets and “Southwestern” lamps lived in harmony in my childhood home. That’s before the Southwestern lamps killed themselves. One day one of my brothers knocked over one of the lamps. It was made of powdery terra cotta, and it shattered. The lamp was quickly replaced. Months later, we broke another one. My mom declared that the next person to break one of those lamps was going to pay for it themselves. Not a week later, she knocked one over dusting. Elizabeth Bishop had it right: “so many things seem filled with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster.” Those lamps were freaking ugly, and eventually, they lost the will to exist.

It wasn’t just my family: plenty of middle-class Americans – some from the Southwest, but just as many from the Northeast like us – wanted to paint our living rooms with all the Colors of the Wind. Possibly in Benjamin Moore’s Blue Corn Moon.

This living room from Ugly House Photos is peak Department Store Southwest. Note the pastel teal, the Native American porcelain doll, and what appears to be a Horn Of Plenty on the side table:

And how about this bedroom? America: where we will take your sacred land and build a strip mall on it, then fill the strip mall with a Pottery Barn that sells knockoffs of your art and furniture. I do really appreciate how they incorporated both a canopy bed and tiny rodent pelts.

 

Faux painting was a 90s decorating trend I’d rather forget. We all remember sponge painting and marbling, but this home, featuring faux primitive cave etchings, really takes the cake.

Is this a set from the smash tv hit Hey Dude? No, it’s a house with dehydrated cow skulls. If it looks like clip art scenery from Oregon Trail, maybe it doesn’t belong in your house. Or maybe it does.

 

I believe the following look combines the 90s penchant for Southwestern motifs with our brief love affair with Magic Eye paintings:

 

Falling under the category of “well, at least it’s less bad than the trail of tears, but then again so is just about everything:”

 

You don’t see Southwestern interior decorating much anymore, at least not outside of the bona fide Southwest or actual Native American homes. In those cases, it’s great! But I like to think that in white, northeastern homes, all of these teal and peach monstrosities made like my mom’s J.C. Penney lamps and offed themselves while they could.

Wedding Season Survival Kit

It’s that time of year again – wedding season is officially here. Yes, that’s right happy couples, you get to attend your friends’ and family members’ nuptials, while looking on knowing that you too are in love, and for your single people, it’s a gentle reminder that you don’t have a designated slow dance partner at the wedding, or in life.

If you’re in your 20s or early 30s, you’re probably all too familiar with wedding season already. It spreads on to social media, when it seems as if every weekend someone is going to a bridal shower or bachelorette party or wedding. With the sheer amount of weddings that occur between now and like, the end of September, it seems almost necessary to have at least some sort of survival kit to make it through months of newlyweds’ happiness. Here are just a few tips I’ve come to discover on my travels that might help you come out of these next few months alive.

Declines with Regret is an Option

Photo Apr 30, 2 42 15 PM

First things first – you don’t have to go to every wedding you’re invited to. It’s always tempting to accept every single one, but be realistic. Do you have the funds to attend? More importantly, do you even care that the two people who invited you are tying the knot? Declining and saying no to invitations is not only a good thing to learn for weddings, but for life in general.

What Not To Wear

If there’s one thing we know about weddings, is that there are a lot of pictures taken throughout the day/night. Because of this, you dress to impress. And if you’re like me, wear a dress perfect for the particular wedding you’re going to – then never wear it again. Are you kidding me? I can’t be photographed in that ensemble again after there were 10 FB albums posted! Sort through your closet and find dressy pieces you wouldn’t usually put together and create a mix-and-match outfit without having to buy new clothes. Or do something like Rent the Runway, where you can get a designer dress for more then half off the original price, and simply return it. I’m doing this for the first time for my friends’ wedding in June and I’ll report back on my findings.

Make Wedding Weekend a Vacation

If you’re traveling somewhere for a wedding and have the time, don’t just stay at the final destination for the weekend, make the most of it. When my friends got married in their hometown of Sacramento, me and my groomsman friend planned a trip to nearby San Francisco, because, why not? If you’re gonna take days off from work, might as well make it worth it.

Score a Present Early in the Game

Get the couple a present off their registry as soon as possible, because if you wait too long, you might end up with the super expensive items like 100-piece china or an X-Box. If you do happen to find yourself in dire straits and know friends who are going to the wedding as well, ask if they want to chip in and buy one of the big ticket items. I’m pretty sure this is kosher.

Don’t Go Hard Right Away

Weddings can last forever. Not the actually ceremony – those can sometimes last only 15 minutes. So if you start taking shots before the bride goes down the aisle, you might need to take a nap sometime during dinner. Or maybe that’s just us old folk. The temptation of an open bar forces you to get all the drinks ASAP, but just steady yourself so you can have fun and not vom. Unless the open bar ends at a certain time, and stock up on drinks so you have some alc throughout the rest of the reception.

Hire a Designated Driver

Speaking of alcohol, don’t be dumb. I’m sure you’re all responsible adults, so this might be a moo point (a cow’s opinion). Again, if you’re going with friends, a party bus might be the ideal situation for a wedding, or plan on taking Uber to and from the venue.

Don’t Give In To Bouquet Toss Pressure

I hate the bouquet toss/garter tradition. I feel like it’s outdated and provides for an awkward situation between the person who grabs the bouquet and the person who grabs the garter. I’ve been to weddings where they practically force all single people on the floor to participate in the bouquet toss and I’ve wanted to toss myself out the window. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. It’s your life, bro.

Enjoy Yourself!

This goes without saying, but sometimes, especially if you’re involved with the planning of the wedding, that you focus on what could go wrong as opposed to truly enjoying yourself. At the end of the day, weddings are a great celebration of love between family and friends, and that’s all that matters.

 

Playlist of the Month: Amazing A Cappella

Pitch Perfect 2 comes out today, which, if you’ve been living in a cave since 2012, is a film franchise about competitive college a cappella groups. A cappella has had a revival of sorts since then, with shows like The Sing-Off also providing a platform for a cappella groups to score record deals.

But since we’re both nerds, we’ve appreciated good a cappella for years. In 2011, I think we both found this video by Swedish girl group Erato on our own separate Internet journeys and appropriately fangirled when we realized we were equally obsessed. And then the lovely Lennon and Maisy, pre-Nashville fame, did a cover of it and subsequently got 10 times more famous. Hey, what are you gonna do. Either way, this cover of Robyn’s Call Your Girlfriend is fantastic, and is just one example of how lovely and powerful a cappella can be. In the spirit of Bechloe and Fat Amy’s return, here are some of our favorite amazing sans-instrument performances, from real life a cappella groups.

Traci’s Picks

Berklee College of Music’s Pitch Slapped – Medley

In Pitch Perfect, the Barden Bellas’ main goal is to win the national a cappella championships. This is not made up. This is a real thing that college kids do. If you went to a school that was serious about a cappella like the one I went to, you understand. The International Championship of Collegiate A Cappella (ICCA) is what it’s called IRL, and it’s very serious. In 2014, Berklee’s Pitch Slapped won the ICCAs with this medley. In college, I went to a like, 10 hour (approximate time) college a cappella concert, and Pitch Slapped was one of the better groups. Sometimes you’ll find that not all soloists in these groups are the greatest, however every single person who sings a solo in this is amazing. Plus each arrangement is full of impressive harmonies and the transitions between songs are flawless. No wonder they won.

Duwende – Love Never Felt So Good by Michael Jackson

Just a quick side note: I found this group about a year-ish ago online and went through all their music videos, and when compiling this playlist, I promptly forgot what the group name was and all I remembered was that they sang a lot of R&B songs and the bald lead singer was freaking hot. Through intense internet research, I finally found them, and here they are! These guys (and gal) do a bunch of great Michael Jackson covers, including this one, you know the track released after MJ died and with JT.

Hyannis Sound – Unchain My Heart by Ray Charles

When I first found out about Hyannis Sound, it was when I still lived in Boston and I went to Cape Cod to visit my friend who was there for the week with her family. I don’t remember how they found out about these boys, but apparently they’re an all-male a cappella group that tours the Cape and New England every summer with their fantastic voices. Most of them are college kids who spend their summer break singing, and it’s great because it’s basically some of the best a cappella singers in the U.S. After going to their concert, I immediately watched all the videos on YouTube I could find because I’m an insane person who fangirls over college a cappella groups. But this soloist’s voice doe *emoji of praise hands*…

Firedrill! – If I Ain’t Got You by Alicia Keys

Speaking of fangirling… I saw Firedrill!, a Boston-based all-male a cappella group at the 20 hour long concert that I was talking about earlier (the length of said concert gets longer everytime). They closed out the concert as the ‘special guests’ and THIS GUY who is singing lead… I pretty much died when I heard this live. How am I even alive right now?

Fermata Town – Ain’t It Fun by Paramore

Hi, my friend is the girl singing Hayley Williams’ part, so, full disclosure. Good thing they’re fantastic.

University of Southern California’s SoCal VoCals – The Wire by Haim

I’m cheating because we usually only pick five songs, but it was super hard for me to narrow it down (see: Honorable Mentions). Despite the fact I still don’t understand what’s happening in this video (why are they birds, tho? oh USC film students), the vocals on the SoCal VoCals’ version of The Wire are on point and I love this arrangement. Plus, it helped them win the ICCAs this year, so if Elizabeth Banks says it’s the best, I do too.

Honorable Mentions:

Jimmy Fallon, The Roots and Miley Cyrus – We Can’t Stop, Sara Bareilles and Sonos – Gravity, my boys BSB – Safest Place To Hide.

Molly’s Picks

Once – Gold

Is it cheating to include an a capella number from a Broadway musical instead of by a bona-fide a capella group? Or is it just the beautiful marriage of the two cheesiest musical forms: a capella and musical theater? Sometimes I get a huge kick out of a capella and sometimes I cannot deal with how corny it is (come on, everyone, you know it’s true). Anyway, this is refreshingly low on the “bum bums” and “shooooom” sound effects.

Sonos – White Winter Hymnal by Fleet Foxes

What I love about Sonos: yes, they are an a capella group, but their arrangements are more reminiscent of really beautiful choral music (that is: also fairly low on the bum bums and shoooooms). This is gorgeous and if I weren’t compiling a post on a capella music, I would have to remind myself that this was even a capella.

ShireiNU A Cappella of Northwestern University – A-Punk by Vampire Weekend

Some music really lends itself to a capella performance. See, e.g.: James Taylor; anything on the doo wop spectrum. Maybe it’s because they remind me of Cape Cod and overall preppiness and so does a capella, but I’d absolutely put Vampire Weekend on that list. Music for boat shoes and GTH pants (JK I hate GTH pants).

Harvard LowKeys – Chicago by Sufjan Stevens

Again, this sounds as much like a really solid choral arrangement as it does a capella – there’s some beat boxing … can you call it beat boxing when it’s Sufjan Stevens and Harvard? … but the soprano part sounds more like a liturgical descant than a chirpy a capella “oo, oo” thing. We already told you we’re nerds, you had to know we were going to toss in things like “liturgical descant.” A pitfall of a lot of a capella groups is keeping the volume in the 9-10 range the whole time, but this group plays with the dynamics instead.

Broad Street Line – Grace Kelly

Once upon a time, when I lived on the Broad Street Line and attended Temple, I had never heard of this group. Shame on me, I totally missed out! Anyway, remember how we were all really into Mika? Let’s do that again.

 

 

 

 

Questions I Have About The New Hamburglar

McDonalds revealed the new Hamburglar last week, and the result was one that no man, woman, or child could ever have imagined. As news of the rebooted hamburger bandit sweeped the Internet, people were shocked to see this on their screen:

Yeah. This guy. So… Let’s start off with the fact that when I was growing up and McDonald’s was the place you’d get a Happy Meal and free toy and maybe get to go to the PlayPlace, the Hamburglar looked that this:

I mean, I see the similarities, but here’s my own main complaint – the new guy ISN’T A CARTOON. He’s like a person. Like the human neighbors that hang out on Sesame Street. And for some reason that’s really jarring for me.

Upon doing some brief research, the Hamburglar reboot is part of a new McDonald’s rebranding of the character, who is suburban dad by day and Hamburglar by night/after the kids go to school. He’s also a wanted man:

https://twitter.com/McDonalds/status/597896475138519040

Okay…

What?
Who is this man?
Why does he look like Eddie Cibrian?
Is he supposed to be deviously hot?
If you’re wanted for stealing hamburgers, wouldn’t it be a dead giveaway by wearing a hamburger print tie?
When did the Hamburglar get dimples?
Does McDonalds do ‘gourmet’ burgs now?
What’s a “third pound”?

BTW the McDonald’s Twitter account is officially trying too hard, but I mean, you do you Mickey D’s. You do you. They later posted this video:

https://twitter.com/McDonalds/status/598178330550996992

Why are you saying ‘Robble Robble’?
What does that even mean? How are you talking to America on social media if you’re “Wanted”?
Who is your wife?
I’m assuming she thinks you’re at work?
Is this your main source of income?
Are you at the party store because you bought that Hamburglar costume?

Apparently I’m not the only one who has questions, because a spokesperson from a McDonald’s released a statement clearing up the confusion over the new Hamburglar:

“The clip that was posted to Twitter this afternoon wasn’t a commercial. As part of Hamburglar’s takeover of the McDonald’s Twitter account, the short video shows his double life: grabbing Sirloin Third Pound Burgers while keeping his identity under wraps via a call back to his family in the suburbs.”

What?
Why does anybody need to be steal hamburgers?
Why did the Hamburglar even need a reboot at all?
Who is McDonald’s target demographic with this?
Why is he specifically stealing Sirloin Third Pound Burgers?
If it wasn’t a commercial, what is it?

And the hits kept coming…

https://twitter.com/McDonalds/status/598238922443882496

So these Sirloin Third Pound Burgers are a ‘limited edition’??
Why does he want American to keep tweeting #RobbleRobble?
How is America going to help?
There should’ve probably been a better social media campaign than this?
McDonald’s is one of the biggest and most successful companies in the world why did they shoot this on a shotty green screen?

If you thought you were safe from the Hamburglar, think again. He’s probably coming to your city.

https://twitter.com/McDonalds/status/598584709065494530

How is he getting to all these cities?
Is he going on a plane with this ridiculous get-up?
It doesn’t even look like he’s really eating this Third Pound?
Does he even like hamburgers?
Is this secretly a campaign to get America to stop eating hamburgs and start eating healthier?

Clearly I have a lot of questions about this new direction McDonald’s marketing & PR department is going in, but if it works for them, then good on ya. But in the meantime, I’ll still be asking all these questions. And I still won’t be close to eating at McDonald’s any time soon.

The Fastest-Rising Baby Names Of 2014 (And Why Your Kid Will Hate Them In 2027)

If you had a baby in 2014, enjoy! In 13 short years you will be the parent of a surly teenager. Surly teenagers hate many things, but their own name usually tops the list. That’s why last year we examined the top baby names of 2013, and why your kid will hate them in 2016. It doesn’t matter how restrained or normal the name was, how well-planned or creative — sometime in the next few decades you may have to answer to your child’s wrath. It’s not your fault.

Last week the Social Security Administration released the 2014 baby name rankings – the official list of every name given to more than 5 children in 2014. Since the top 10 names are mostly the same as they were last year, this year we’re looking at the fastest-rising names. Now, many of these were not highly ranked at all, given to maybe a few hundred kids, but what’s unusual is how quickly they skyrocketed. All the more reason for your children to hate them. We’re anticipating some of the kids’ arguments, but don’t worry if you’re the real parent of an Aranza or Bode: I don’t think any of these names are really terrible.

[Fastest-rising calculations courtesy of the Baby Name Wizard blog.]

Girls

Aranza
  • Aranza is a telenovela name, a form of  Arantxa (your daughter thanks you for not choosing Arantxa). Basically any name that pegs the mother as someone who watches a lot of soaps can be sort of embarrassing. Just ask all those 20-somethings named Kendall and Lucky.
  • It’s sort of simultaneously beautiful, yet also sounds like the name of an evil cartoon spider. Teenaged Aranza will latch onto the latter opinion.
Daleyza

Awww. Who WOULDN’T want a kid like little Daleyza?

  • Again, 13-year-olds are the worst: any name, however pretty, with the syllable “lay” in it will be the victim of dozens of dirty jokes.
  • A child will figure out that it sounds like “the laser” or “the lazy” and make even more jokes. None of them will be good or funny, because again, middle school.
  • People are stupid, so by 2027 little Daleyza will be tired of explaining that it’s not Da-LIE-za or Da-LEEZ-a.
  • If you think soap opera names will make your kids roll their eyes in 13 years (don’t worry, moms and dads, most things will make them roll their eyes in 13 years): try reality TV names. So it is with Daleyza, from mun2 reality show Larrymania. Fortunately, little Daleyza will have plenty of classmates with names like Khloe and Bethenny to keep her company.
Everly

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4X7b2E_Jq-k]

  • Everly Brothers: charming, old-school 1950s musicians, or hokey as hell? Tween Everly thinks hokey (don’t worry, she’ll come around).
  • Everly kind of sounds like a weird adverb. That’s not really a bad thing, just an observation. They lived everly after. I’ll mow the lawn wheneverly. She’ll have this name foreverly.
Montserrat

Montserrat has it all: it’s not new or made-up. It’s a place name, and it has religious significance. And all of that will be lost on a 13-year-old.

  • The taunting starts early, with the nickname “monster rat.” Unfortunately, it comes from her preschool teacher’s failed attempt to pronounce the name on the first day (hint: it is pronounced exactly like the letters in the name look. Put the accent on the last syllable. Done).
  • Having a name that means “mountain” will not feel awesome when lil Montse hits that junior high growth spurt and feels like she’s towering over everyone.
  • At age 13, Montserrat is old enough to order those fluffy Starbucks drinks, but too young to find it hilarious when her name is misspelled.
Elsa

You’ve loved the name Elsa since you were a little girl, and just your luck, Disney releases a movie with a heroine named Elsa right when you’re getting ready to have kids. I named a character Elsa in a book I wrote in third grade — I get it. [Other characters: Charlotte, Lillian, Lucy, Eleanor. Man, was I ever tapped into the popular baby names of 2015 back in 1995).

  • “Let it goooo, let it GOOO!” If you think you’re sick of this now, imagine how tired little Elsa will be by, oh, third grade or so.
  • Sharing a name with a Disney princess has a ton of cultural cache in Kindergarten; less so in seventh grade.
  • Also, stupid children’s jokes: “Do you have a sister named Anna?” “It’s cold in here, right” [pointed stare at Elsa.]

Boys

Gannon

If you’re scratching your head about what a “gannon” is, you probably don’t watch Teen Mom. Me either. It sounds name-ish, and it’s a short name that ends in -n, a pattern that is all over the boy name charts. But don’t worry, your teen will still hate it in 2027 because:

  • TEEN MOM. First of all. You can swear to him that that’s not where you got it, but he won’t believe you.
  • ZELDA. Not just Zelda, but the bad guy from Zelda. And if any name from Zelda is trendy, why not Zelda? That’s actually cool.
  • You may be well-versed in up-and-coming names, but the receptionist at your pediatrician’s office or elementary school definitely isn’t. “Gannon Smith.” “CANNON?” “Gannon.” “No, but like, Dannon?” “Gannon.” “Gander.” “Gannon.” “Shannon.” It’s a new name, but it sounds sort of like a bunch of other names and words.
Karter

Well, somebody’s been taking a page from Kris Jenner’s guide to baby naming. And your baby doesn’t care now, but he’ll care in middle school – not because you’re a bad parent, but because the human brain is beset by obnoxious little demons from ages 11-14 or so.

  • Everyone’s just going to spell it Carter, then you’ll have to say “Carter with a K.” Which isn’t that big a hassle, but what’s the point?
  • And when Kris Jenner has that baby boy at the age of 63 after a few seasons of flagging ratings on E! – thank you, science – Karter is really going to hate sharing his name with baby Karter Kardashian.  Yes, Kris is going to legally change her surname to Kardashian in 2020 or so to keep it “on-brand.”
Bode
  • People assuming that either he – or you – smokes a whole lot of weed. It’s like the name version of having one of those heavy, woven Mexican blankets in your trunk. See also: Kai.
  • The name will constantly get mispronounced as “bode,” unless you pronounce it that way, in which case it will constantly get mispronounced as “bodie.” You’ll try to explain to his teachers that the accent is on the “e” — from which point, his name will be pronounced “boe-DAY.”
  • Seems like it stands out, but his karate class will have a Brodie and a Bodhi … oops.
  • Also, I almost wrote “karate klass.” THANKS KARTER.
Royal
  • You wouldn’t think that people would remember the Lorde song “Royals” well enough to sing it at him in 2027. But they do, because by then our nostalgia cycle is moving faster than ever and we’re all really pining for 2013.
  • By 2027, baby Royal has also internalized thirteen years of your mother-in-law tut-tutting “I don’t know why you had to go and name him ROYAL” every time she visits.
  • The nickname Roy. Just, you know, in general.
Axl
  • The worst fear of any parent naming their child “Axl”: he will grow up to be a music snob. There’s only so many times he can hear “Oh, like Axl Rose?” before he snaps.
  • He also won’t love how, thanks to Axl Rose, his camp nickname was “Rosie.”
  • Unlike the Scandinavian classic Axel, people will think that they’re supposed to smoosh the consonants together.

Bottom line: all of the girls’ names are appealing enough that I can see why parents’ will choose them. Your kids aren’t any more likely to hate them than if they were named Sophia or Mary. Which still makes your kids pretty likely to hate them, because kids are the worst. And the best. Congrats on your 2014 baby!

Promposals: What Are They And Why Are They So On Fleek

We’re smack dab in the middle of prom time, and high schoolers across the country are either having the time of their lives or pretending they are, because LBR, we all know deep down that prom’s not as exciting as you ever think it’s going to be.

The tradition of prom is has a long history in the U.S., but one that’s been all the rage of late is the “Promposal”. Now back in our day, of course the boys would ask girls to prom. But I don’t ever remember it being as elaborate as it is today – or even having its own Urban Dictionary term. Although the kids of Laguna Beach would probably disagree.

We graduated the same year as LC and Lo and Stephen and Trey <3, so like many others, I found the show fascinating. But when it came to the prom episodes, the guys were going all out to surprise the girls with the big ask. In season one, Dieter asks Jessica in a baseball field, Trey *better than ur faves* keeps it classy with rose petals and candles, and Stephen, for some reason, hides in Kristin’s house and writes ‘Prom??’ on his chest, because that’s ‘hot’?

In season two, there was a tow truck involved with one of the blonde Alex-es involved, but basically, the show taught me that promposals were a thing before they were PROMPOSALS. Is this a West Coast thing? Because I swear it wasn’t a thing in Western New York.

Fast forward to present day, when it’s like a game between people to come up with the most creative and impressive ways to ask the person of your choosing to prom. I actually got to (kind of) witness one first hand recently, when I was on a cruise that my friends got married on. During dinner, my friend’s 18-year-old brother sneakily asked his GF to prom by having the server present her with a dessert plate that had ‘Prom?’ written out in a chocolate syrup-type substance. I saw it all happening from afar like a creep and got weirdly excited I got to witness something that the youngins are doing first-hand.

Kinda looked like this, sans the fried dough balls

But then you have the more intricate and carefully thought out Promposals, that range from making a sign and holding a basket of kitties, to putting those Scantrons to good use, to recruiting your friends to do a choreographed dance to One Direction in front of the entire student body.

But my favorite as of late is the Promposal by Jacob Lescenski of Las Vegas, who asked his best friend Anthony Martinez to prom. Not a big deal, right? Well it is when Anthony, who is gay, posted on Twitter that he never gets asked to prom (I’d be complaining too if everyone around me was getting Promposal’ed and I wasn’t). Jacob, who is straight, saw his tweet and decided that he would ask Anthony to prom, despite the fact he already had a girl date (she graciously bowed out).

Even though Jacob opted for a sign and a rhyme that didn’t involve a flash mob, the face that he decided to do it at all speaks volumes. Their story went viral, and major media outlets picked it up, including Teen Vogue, who chipped in an got the boys tuxes from Topman and paid for a limo, and Ellen invited them on her show and not only videotaped them at prom, but gave them each money for college.

As much as I love Jacob and Anthony’s story, it’s still crazy to me that teens are going to great lengths – as great lengths as they would as if they were actually proposing – to ask someone out to an overrated dance. I get it. It’s a special time in a teenager’s life, etc. Yet is it necessary to put on an entire show just to go to prom? What will you do when you actually propose to your future spouse?!

Moreover, we didn’t have GoPros and smart phones and social media during prom season in the mid 2000s. We took cameras with FILM and had to wait for a day or two to develop before we would go through and trash the ones that looked horrible. Like physically put them in the trash bin. To me, promposals are 90% about HOW you do it and 10% who is doing it. That ratio doesn’t seem right. Call me crazy, but it seems like they’re just trying to one up each other, because it is high school after all.

Is this all me talking in my old age and having a quarter(ish)-life crisis? Probably. Definitely. Am I maybe bitter that I had to ask my gay-but-not-out-yet-gay friend to my junior prom and never got a promposal? Most likely. But whatevs. I’m just going to sit back, watch the promopsals pop up all over the interwebs, and if you need me, I’ll be looking up words on Urban Dictionary with a full glass of wine in hand. Because I’m 29. And I can legally drink. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, teens.