Category Archives: Miscellany

What Can I Do For Fun During Daylight Savings Time?

Posted in Miscellany by

I’m surprised – and frankly very, very disappointed – that conspiracy theorists don’t have more to say about Daylight Savings Time. The world governments collude to move clocks to and fro, willy-nilly, twice a year and the nutsos are just silent about it? Wake up, sheeple. They’re controlling you.

Okay, I don’t actually know who “they” would be, and I don’t know why having a slightly jet-lagged populace would benefit anybody except for Big Caffa (that’s “big caffeine” to the uninitiated, and some would say America runs on them, if you catch my drift). But you have to admit the whole ordeal seems like a lot of hassle for not a lot of payoff. We’ve all heard those stories about farmers and the 1970s oil crisis, but there isn’t much point to it in the modern age. But it’s how things are – and they probably want it like that, so that we get all distracted and sleepy twice a year and they pass some weird legislation or whatever when nobody’s paying attention.

As we did with the Government Shutdown and Ebola, here are all your questions answered about what you can do during your extra hour of afternoon sunshine!

Can I go outside during my new hour of afternoon sunlight?

Yeah, sure! Great idea! From my vantage point on the east coast, it is a full 40 degrees warmer than it was last week! Yes, it is now a balmy 40 degrees outside. But look, I’m just thrilled to be out of work before sunset. It’s a bonus that now we’re existing in temperatures that don’t make your sinuses echo with pain and your hands shrivel into blue claws that look like something you’d have to stick onto a sarcophagus in Legends of The Hidden Temple. Not only can you go outside during your extra hour of sunlight, you SHOULD.

You do know that it isn’t really an extra hour of sunlight, right? We’re just waking up an hour earlier.

Can it, Poindexter.

Also, you’re right. We are waking up an hour earlier. What a cruel trick.

So, are there any special ways to deal with waking up an hour earlier every day?

Of course! First of all, coffee. America runs on it. Ahem.

WebMD also suggests exposing yourself to as much light as possible during the daytime, but also not so much light that you get skin cancer or wrinkles. You really can’t win. Then during the night, use as little light as you can muster. They tell you not to turn on a light when you go to the bathroom at night. Jeez. You’d almost think that WebMD turns a profit off of people’s catastrophic injuries or something.

If you have a time machine, you can go back to a few weeks ago and start waking up a tiny bit earlier every day, so that by the time DST hits you have become acclimated to your earlier wake-up call. This is a lot like what my parents used to do when I was a kid, having us go to bed earlier toward the end of summer vacation to “get ready for school.” That was actually just because by the end of summer vacation, my parents were sick of us. But it works, so grab your time turner and give it a go.

So I can time travel during daylight savings time?

Sweetheart. You skipped an entire hour of time Sunday night. I mean, you’ll get it back in November. Actually… that’s even better. You moved an hour of time from March to November, exactly the kind of crappy month we all want to spend an extra hour in. Kiddo, you’re already a time traveler. We all are.

Mind. Blown. Maybe I’ll use my extra hour every day to catch up on my time travel.

Hold your horses. It’s still not an extra hour of time. You’re still just waking up earlier.

RIGHT. Well maybe since I’m waking up earlier I’ll get in a workout in the morning.

Oh, no no no. You’re still doing it wrong. You’re waking up at the same “clock time” as you were before, but it’s a different “sun time.” Here. Get on your clock rug and start figuring it out:

Why don’t we just get rid of Daylight Savings Time?

There are a lot of good reasons to get rid of it. Farmers? They can just wake up an hour earlier (“clock time,” not “sun time.”). I’m pretty sure farmers are exactly the kind of people who wake up whenever they need to to do their job, even if it’s like 4:30 in the morning.

Electricity? Doesn’t save any. In fact, during the first week after DST I usually leave my bedroom light on all day at least once because I’m not used to having it on in the morning.

Vehicular safety? Nope. First of all, you are now driving while tired. Second, now the people who were driving in the dark in the evening are driving in the dark in the morning. Besides, cars have headlights. They just do.

But personally, I still get a kick out of seeing the sun after work. It makes me feel like a human instead of some weird editor-lawyer-mole. I don’t want to get rid of Daylight Savings Time at all – but I would like to get rid of Standard Time. Sunset at 4:30 in the afternoon is just depressing. Or, you know, I guess I could just wake up an hour earlier every day and leave work an hour earlier. But modern civilization will do anything to avoid getting up earlier: up to and including changing the time on everybody’s clocks to fool ourselves into thinking we aren’t getting up earlier.

I’m pretty sure that’s stupid, but I haven’t had enough caffeine yet to be sure.

 

 

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The Day The Internet Had No Chill

Posted in Miscellany, Outfit Girl by

Thursday was a DAY, y’all. So, as you’re reading this blog, I think it’s pretty clear that we are fans of the Internet. The Internet has been good to us. It’s connected us with you fine people. It brings us GIFs. It tells us facts in seconds that would’ve taken forever to look up in Encyclopedia Britannica. But yesterday was a day for the record books (Google books?)

It all started in the afternoon when two llamas went on the run in Sun City, Arizona. On the real, according to AzCentral, and I quote, “The llamas were participating in animal therapy at an assisted living facility when they escaped. Authorities believe the llamas got spooked when the door to the trailer they had arrived in opened. They said there was a third llama in the trailer, but it did not escape.”

Thanks to a local news affiliate’s live video feed (#bless), the whole world was able to watch these two run freely in the world for about a 20-minute chase as handlers tried their best to wrangle them.

TBH, I showed up to the party late and couldn’t stay long, as my job doesn’t really allow me to enjoy nice things, so I had to quickly catch up and figure out what was happening. But by the time I entered the #LlamaDrama, there were already a ton of memes floating around. It’s stuff like this that the Internet was made for. We are at are best when we all have to make comments on a ridiculous thing. Here are some of what the Internet folks came up with.

My personal favorite:

When they incorporated the llamas with Balloon Boy. REMEMBER BALLOON BOY??

When someone had to speak the damn truth:

When I will laugh at a pun joke even if it’s not that funny (this one’s funny):

https://twitter.com/matthewbaldwin/status/571041178168111104

When they brought in Bri Willy:

https://twitter.com/JamieSportsTalk/status/571044781138161664

When they incorporated a meme from the Super Bowl:

https://twitter.com/Comingstorm/status/571053036727988224

When CNN LIT’RALLY INTERVIEWED A CELEBRITY LLAMA NAMED PIERRE:

Was that enough excitement for one day? NOPE. Just a few hours later, a girl took to the Internet for advice on a dress someone was considering to buy, and they sent a pic of it asking if it was black and blue or white and gold. Tumblr first went crazy, as they are wont to do, and it then spread to the rest of social media. It soon became a war. Bloodshed. Lives ruined. People actually breaking up. Friendships torn apart. It was a gruesome scene. Even the local news here covered it. Literally the LA news station showed a picture of the dress and asked what color it was. LA NEWS IS NOT REAL NEWS. But I digress.

On Tumblr, GIFs and stills from TV shows were obviously used.

peggy-carter:

i went to work for six hours and come back to tumblr and my ENTIRE DASH is this dress thing and finally i understand that community gif on a spiritual level

goopypaltrow:

it’s not black/blue, nor is it white/gold.  It’s actually cerulean. And you’re also blithely unaware of the fact that in 2002, Oscar de la Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns. And then I think it was Yves Saint Laurent… wasn’t it who showed cerulean military jackets? I think we need a jacket here. And then cerulean quickly showed up in the collections of eight different designers. And then it, uh, filtered down through the department stores and then trickled on down into some tragic Casual Corner where you, no doubt, fished it out of some clearance bin. However, that blue represents millions of dollars and countless jobs and it’s sort of comical how you think that you’ve made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you’re wearing the sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room from a pile of stuff.

 

halpertjames:

I have never felt more like Jim Halpert in my life.

But the best responses came from Twitter.

https://twitter.com/ttagaris/status/571130180468674560

https://twitter.com/DiscountPunk/status/571120277729480704

Of course there’s already a Twitter account for The Dress

And celebrities, who obviously got in on the action. Even Taylor Swift chimed in. Honestly, if Oprah and/or Beyonce tweeted or Instagramed about it it would have been game over.

By FAR, Mindy Kaling had the best response to #TheDress. She was up in arms about it, staying strong in her #BlackandBlue stance, as only Mindy could. It’s exactly the type of response I expected from her, but I am obsessed with just how far she went. Her annoyance got increasingly more dramatic and I feel like she should probably just put this in her show now.

https://twitter.com/mindykaling/status/571123329328914433

https://twitter.com/_juliannemoore/status/571144740101615617

https://twitter.com/mindykaling/status/571127061462568961

https://twitter.com/mindykaling/status/571138956357541888

https://twitter.com/mindykaling/status/571168428641251330

https://twitter.com/mindykaling/status/571168747056050176

https://twitter.com/mindykaling/status/571168896960450560

https://twitter.com/mindykaling/status/571172231482470400

^^same^^

If you missed our tweet last night, we gave our two cents too:

 But what we really need is some perspective, courtesy of the rainbow infused space unicorn:

For the record, the folks at Buzzfeed (who started this who viral mess) tracked down the girl who first posted about the dress, and she says it’s black and blue. It’s all about lighting, y’all. Either way, whatever team you’re on – #WhiteandGold, #BlackandBlue, #LlamasOnTheRun, #LeftShark, it’s good to know we can all collectively #BreakTheInternet without actually baring our butts.

https://twitter.com/lizlanteri/status/571180953986588673

What a time to be alive.

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First In Friendship: Small-Town Shows To Watch After Parks And Recreation

Posted in Miscellany by

I haven’t been able to rewatch the Parks and Recreation finale yet. Part of it is because I’m just not ready to cry again just yet. And a bigger part  is that I’m busy. I’m not someone who treats busy as a four-letter word, even though it can have a negative connotation. Maybe we should start calling it something cuter, like “bustling,” or positive, like “engrossed.”  It’s good to be involved; Leslie Knope would be proud.

But even when you don’t have a lot of free time, it’s easy to feel a tv show-sized hole when one of your favorites gets cancelled. That was especially true of Parks, a half-hour (or hour, thanks NBC) oasis every week. When you’re busy – and honestly, I hardly know anyone who doesn’t qualify as such – you need those little breaks in your day or week. If you’re missing those 30-60 minutes in Pawnee every week, here’s what to watch next:

Parks And Recreation

I mean, again. Watch it again. Now that we know what happens to everybody, take it back to the beginning! Not every show holds up well on a rewatch. Sometimes those “off” seasons are too painful or your favorite character started off awesome and became terrible. I mean I’m still mourning for Season 1 Joey Potter. But Parks is a show that doesn’t have any of those pitfalls … well, it did have a lot of falling into pits for a while, but they filled it in and everyone moved on. Parks and Recreation did character development better than any other show. It’s so fun to watch bratty college April knowing that there was a hard-working go-getter in there all along, or tough cookie Ron Swanson before he had a wife and kids. Or Ben Wyatt, back when he seemed like Public Enemy Number One. So, my first suggestion for what to do after you finish watching Parks and Recreation is to watch it again.

One of the best things about Parks was getting to know all of the wacky residents of Pawnee and feel the sometimes stifling warmth of small-town life. Most t.v. shows are either set in major metropolises – and at that, it’s usually just New York or L.A. Or, it’s in a tiny town. You don’t get a lot of shows set in actual cities that are less acclaimed, like Toledo or Tucsan. If it’s small-town TV you want, we can find that for you. Once you’ve rewatched Parks, here are the next series you should check out:

For an endearing small town: Gilmore Girls

You can’t watch this without wanting to move to Stars Hollow so that you can buy coffee from Luke, take dance lessons from Miss Patti, and plan a weird event with Kirk. Like Pawnee, there are people you love, people you hate, and places you’ll come to know like they’re from your own hometown.

For an innocent small town: The Andy Griffith Show

But not too much Andy Griffith Show. It’s a television masterpiece but it can also get a little hokey in large doses. However, if you’ve never watched it you might be surprised by how fun and quirky it is. If you grew up on classic TV, Griffith is like a half-hour of childhood. Or your dad or grandpa’s childhood, if you grew up on modern TV.

For an April Ludgate-worthy small town: Welcome To Nightvale

Guys, it’s a podcast, not a tv show. You just have to trust me. It’s about the happenings in a spooky yet hilarious town, with idiosyncrasies to rival Pawnee. It’s one of those shows you just have to listen to to understand.

For a dramatic small town: Twin Peaks

Yes, it’s a drama about Poor Dead Laura Palmer. But the second the log lady shows up, you know that you’re dealing with something a bit more wacky than your typical network drama. Twin Peaks is a small town withs dark side, but there’s also teen drama and the requisite diner.

For a heartwarming small town: Friday Night Lights

If you watched Parks and Recreation, listened to the Tim Riggins references, and didn’t get it, I’m jealous of you. That means you haven’t seen Friday Night Lights yet and still get to watch it for the first time. If you’re one of those people who thinks “football? GROSS. Texas? NEVER” then this is the show for you. It’s about football but it’s about life. And Tami Taylor is like Leslie Knope if Leslie Knope got married young, worked in education, and lived in Texas. Guaranteed, you’ll change that “Texas Never” into a “Texas Forever” by the end of season one.

 For a small town that’s not actually a small town: Parenthood

All right, the Bravermans don’t live in a small town, but you never see evidence of where they live, anyway. The Bravermans are sort of a small town unto themselves. Like Parks, it’s a show about the people you love who also drive you crazy.

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#RIP: The Oddity of Celebrity Deaths

Posted in Entertainment, Miscellany by

As I write this, it’s moments after the Parks and Recreation series finale. The episode left me, like many of you fans out there too, laughing and crying and alternating between the two. It’s a bittersweet moment as we say one final bye bye to one of the best TV shows ever to exist. I’m so, so glad with the way it ended, but in a weird place knowing it’s never coming back again.

It became even more bittersweet with the end card that read “We love you, Harris. – The Parks Crew”, a note I had been anticipating yet was just as teary-eyed upon seeing it. For those that might not know, this was a dedication to Harris Wittels, a co-executive producer, writer, and guest actor (Harris the animal control guy) on the show, who died last Thursday from a suspected drug overdose. He was 30 years old.

*This post gets deep. You’ve been warned.

I work in entertainment news. It is lit’rally my job to be on the “pulse” of what’s happening in the industry, so when my boss sent me the email of a news alert from TMZ with the headline “Parks and Rec Exec Harris Wittels Found Dead Signs of Overdose” and asked me to write it up, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I felt my heart drop a little. I remember having to read it multiple times to make sure I was comprehending correctly, and was kind of sick to my stomach after realizing it was real life. I checked online to see if anyone was talking about it yet, and slowly, then at all once, I saw “#RIP” and “so sad ::emoji sad face with tear::” sprinkled throughout my social media timelines. While social media condolences often seem contrite and insincere at times, I was especially moved to see his name trending worldwide, only because, forgive me, I just didn’t realize that many people were familiar with his work.

I didn’t know Harris personally. Of course, I was a fan of his through Parks, and I was a fan of his through his Comedy Bang Bang episodes, particularly of the ever ridiculous Farts and Procreation series. One thing we did have in common is that we went to the same college. He graduated two years before me, and while I didn’t know him then, Facebook tells me that we have mutual friends, that my former RA was his close pal, and that we both went to the same beloved study abroad program. Something to know about the school we went to is that it’s fairly small, with around 3,500 undergrads. There’s a joke that we’re part of a “mafia”, especially in places like LA and New York, because most kids who graduate go on to work in film, TV, theater, industries of that nature. Because there are so many alums in the entertainment industry, it’s one of those things where you’ll no doubt meet a fellow mafioso at a job you’re applying for or at a random party, and they’re most likely willing to help fellow grads out with a job or interview. When Harris died, I wasn’t just seeing randoms pay tribute to him online, I was seeing people I knew in real life. I got an email from the school career services center (because they send out job listings and LA events and stuff), with a note from one of the professors who counted Harris as one of his students, and who I knew from working with on an event back in the day.

In the email, he recalls how kind Harris was to the students in his classes, how he skyped in several times to answer questions about comedy or writing, and willingly gave out his email address for kids to contact them if they needed advice or help with a script. Mafia. Harris’ death hit a little closer to home for me than some, but I still didn’t know him, I’ve never met him, I didn’t know what he was like as a person.

But in the age where we listen to Comedy Bang Bang podcasts and watch TV shows like Parks and easily connect to people on Twitter and receive instant responses via Humblebrag, we feel like we do know them. We treat their death like they were our friend, our family, because they have been inside our homes, our cars, our headphones for years.

I don’t think I’ve ever been truly upset about a celebrity death until Cory Monteith. I was kind of a Gleek circa season 1 and 2, but, like many other fans, that petered off towards the end. I even went to one of their CD signings for the first soundtrack and got to meet Cory. It was brief. He had a huge smile. Had kind eyes. Very nice. But, again, I didn’t know him. He wasn’t my friend. But for some reason, when my friend told me the news of his sudden death – I can remember it so vividly – I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I couldn’t believe it. Watching the episode of The Quarterback where they say goodbye to him – forget it. I ugly cried through 98% of that. But what kept circling back in my mind is that Cory was a teen idol. There were tweens and teens out there who had posters of him up on their wall, and suddenly they find out he died from a drug overdose? The only thing I could compare it to would be if a member of BSB passed away from alcohol poisoning back in 1999. I would have been completely devastated and unable to properly cope with my feelings.

In addition, we live in a world where we not only feel like we spend so much time with celebrities in the privacy of our own homes, we now have the ability to reach out to them in a form that’s not a fan letter sent to some random Post Office Box on Santa Monica Boulevard. Kids these days have Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and Snapchat. The chances of Harry Styles or Ariana Grande or Cory Monteith replying to your declaration of love or fan art is 10 times higher than me getting a signed autographed headshot of Leo DiCaprio in 1997. Celebrities just connect with people in such a different way now that we actually have evidence to prove that the delusional friendship might actually be… real.

And similarly, there are a handful of really important and powerful celebrities whose star status is enough for us to come together and agree that their body of work is worth praising. We had it with Robin Williams, Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson in recent years. In the wake of their sudden deaths, we saw an outpouring of condolences and #RIPs for these people that most of us had never even come face to face with. But they were a part of our lives – their work marked important milestones for us, provided bonding moments with friends and family, and that’s why we mourn them. Not because we’re friends with them. But because their contribution to society made an impact on a single life.

All this TL;DR isn’t to say we shouldn’t grieve people in the public eye, especially when their passing is sudden and tragic. It’s that we should. And one step further, it’s to learn from it and let friends and family know you’re there for them and resources are always available if they think they’re going down the wrong path. I feel like I knew Harris through the Mafia. I encountered Cory’s kindness for a few seconds. But my sadness, like many others, shouldn’t be dismissed because it’s for celebrities we’ve never met. It’s because their lives still mattered to those who did know them. Their lives matter. Our lives matter. All lives matter.

 

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Go Suck An Icicle: Pro-Snow Culture Hurts Children, Adults, Everyone

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Lists, Miscellany by

I thought that my TV said that it was 10 degrees Fahrenheit outside this morning. It didn’t. It said negative ten. I looked out at my snow-covered car and driveway and wanted to cry. I’m pretty sure I have shoveled every day for a month, and most of those days have been in the single digits or below. Yesterday my car ran like a cross between tumblr and a Little Golden Book: “I think I can’t. I think I can’t. I can’t.” The only vehicle that could safely drive outside right now is a Zamboni. My toes are blue. You know what I wore this morning? My clothes. Like, all of my clothes. If you have a grandmother, please check on her, because I appear to be covered in an old lady’s skin.

And lest you think I’m just bad at winter, know how Boston has had 100 inches of snow so far? That’s my city’s average every winter. I’m used to this, but that doesn’t mean I like it. Now is probably the time for a post about appreciating the simple joys of winter, or a chipper reminder that spring is just around the corner. I’m not in the mood for that. I’m so tired of our pro-snow culture. Snow propaganda targets our most vulnerable population – children – and tells them that snow and cold is somehow okay.  It needs to stop.

Snow Forts

When I was a child, every time we’d get a foot or two of snow I’d rush out with a shovel, gloves, and buckets and start building a snow fort. We had mammoth snow castles, with walls taller than I was and hollowed-out snow living rooms with built-in benches. When we were done we’d douse the whole thing in water so that it would become solid.

And do you know what all of that was? It was practice for being an adult who has to shovel in order to get out of your house to go to work. Bet nobody told you THAT when you were seven. Snow forts, I cordially invite you to go suck an icicle.

A Snowy Day

This beautifully illustrated children’s classic is beloved by kids, teachers and parents alike. It’s about a little boy who’s too stupid to know that snow is awful. And it’s responsible for propagating the myth that snow is somehow fun or exciting. My only consolation is that little Peter is now an adult who has to shovel out a section of yard so that his dog doesn’t poop in the house. Yeah. Those are the things children’s books don’t tell you about winter. Ezra Jack Keats is one of my favorite children’s authors, but from the icy shores of Winter 2015, I say that A Snowy Day can go eat snowballs.

The Chronicles Of Narnia

I, too, have a portal that brings me into a snow-covered landscape of crystalline cold. It’s called a door. As in, any freaking door in the entire Northeastern United States.

If I were the Pevensie children, I would have boarded up that wardrobe and maybe set it on fire to make it go away. And also for warmth. Because it’s freezing.

C.S. Lewis wrote an entire allegorical series about a mythical land that just looks like outside. Why are we celebrating this again? Narnia, go bleed a radiator.

Most Of The Jan Brett Cannon

Oh, lets all wear Fair Isle sweaters and frolic in the snow! That’s the harmful message of most of Jan Brett’s Scandinavian-inspired story books. Let’s flounce around with woodland creatures in the snowy forest! I can’t believe I fell for that hogwash as a kid. From the story about the idiot grandma who makes her grandson snow-white mittens, to the tale of the stretchy hat that a bunch of animals hide in to avoid a frigid death, these books try to make outerwear into something greater than it is. Cute illustrations, fun to read to children, but Jan Brett books can go snort road-slush.

Frozen

No. I do NOT want to build a snow man. And I’ll never know if an act of true love can thaw this mess, because right now I hate everything. Frozen can go lick snow tires.

The North Pole

What a harmful myth. Not the whole Santa thing, but that a mega-productive society can exist in the most frigid and snow-laden part of the world. In real life the elves would show up 20 minutes late to work every day, everybody would be out sick half the time, and the leading cause of death would be shoveling heart attacks. You want to make a toy for every child in the world, station yourself in Italy or Mexico. For every employer who doesn’t understand that it took you an extra half hour to drive to work and that you can’t stay late when your city is in white-out, we can blame the North Pole. Santa and his elf-slaves can go blow a snowblower. I’m done.

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Carnival is Weird: World Edition

Posted in Miscellany by

For partiers and the lackadaisical types, this week has been perfect so far. On Monday, many Americans stayed at home or enjoyed a good sale thanks to Presidents Day. On Tuesday, many folks reveled in New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Many kids have the entire week of for winter break, and hell, Mardi Gras is still alive and well. For those who need a quick reminder, Mardi Gras = Fat Tuesday, a celebration of everything in excess before you fast or give things up for Lent, the time period leading up to Easter. Now Mardi Gras is the biggest celebration in the U.S., but around the world, there are oh so many more extravagant parties.

When I studied in the Netherlands, I happened to be in Nice, France during their weeklong version of Mardi Gras, which is Carnival. You probably relate the term to the biggest one in Rio, where I’m pretty convinced no one goes to work for like, a good month. I had never experienced anything like it before – drinking, parades, people dancing in the street, just a lot of organized chaos and large bejeweled costumes. People do Carnival big overseas, and to be quite honest, some of the floats and masks and costumes are just plain weird. And scary. But mostly weird. While you’re sitting at work today, here are so people around the world that are actually having a better (yet odder) week than you.

Brazil

Sao Paulo – If you stare into her glasses long enough, you’ll think she’s the love child of Beetlejuice and Lady Gaga

Rio – I feel like this is the version of the Hulk I would see if I was tripping on shrooms. Do kids still do that these days?

Rio – Obviously Rio has the largest Carnival in the world with tourists flocking there every year, but the scariest thing about this picture isn’t the creepy sleeping mask float – it’s the thousands of people crammed in that arena. I MEAN THE PARKING MUST BE A NIGHTMARE

Rio – Carnival: Where you can get a cheerful reminder that global warming exists and we’re all gonna die soon

Paraty – Outside of Rio, there are plenty more Carnival celebrations, and in Paraty, they have what’s called the “Bloco da Lama” or “Mud Block” carnival party. According to local legend, the off tradition of covering yourself in dark mud and dancing dates back to 1986 (exactly our year of birth), when teens who were hiking in a nearby forest slathered themselves in mud to ward off mosquitoes as they went through the town. The tradition has grown every since. IDK, you can go to the Korean Spa and get something like this without the danger of diseases or whatever is in dark mud.

Germany

Cologne – Nothing says “I’m ready for Lent” like cut plastic watering cans with tiny disco balls and feathers attached to it.

Munderkingen – My, what large nostrils you have scary clown man!

Wuerzberg – For some reason I feel like this pink elephants got lost on their way to the pride parade.

Mainz – Is this the episode of Walking Dead where the dude from Love Actually starts killing German zombies?

Wuerzburg – Ich wanna Rock and Roll all night!

Mainz – Vlad Putin. In a bear costume. On a float that says “Problem Bear” … in GERMANY.

Dusseldorf – Apparently the Germans like to incorporate a lot of political floats in their parades.

The Netherlands

Roermond – I just feel like people must be high 24/7 during Carnival week in order to just get through it.

Italy

Venice – Never has Venice looked so much like the set of Pretty Little Liars.

Hungary

Mohacs – I know where the wild things are

Spain

Aguilas – Not shitting you. These are dancing Jim Carreys from The Mask. Apparently Aguilas is 21 years late to the party. Sssssmmmmookin! *jazz hands*

Luzon – In more frightening Carnival news, Luzon holds the La Fiesta de los Diablos y Mascaritas, or Festival of Devils and Masks. Clearly the dude with the horns represents the devils and the ladies are the masks. Couldn’t pay me enough to hang out with these people.

Luzon – I mean come on. For Lent I would give up hanging out with anyone who dresses like Babe the Blue Ox’s long lost evil twin brother.

Lesaka – Spain, seriously, what’s up with your Carnival traditions? In the small village of Lesaka, townspeople dress as the “Zaku Zaharrak”, or “Old Sack”. After the sun sets, they cover their faces with white handkerchiefs, stuff themselves with straws in sacks, hold a stick of an inflated animal’s bladder (which is used to hit people), and roam through the streets for hours dancing to an accompanied band. Hide yo kids. Hide yo wives.

Switzerland

Lucerne – I’d like to call this series “Switzerland takes well-known children’s story characters and fucks it all up”. Here is Shrek and Princess Fiona, who is apparently being held at gunpoint.

Lucerne – “How do you expect me to grow, if you won’t let me blow??”

Lucerne – Antonio Banderas sure has changed since his split with Melanie Griffith.

Lucerne – In which the Native American crying by the side of the road goes to see Dr. 90210 and has a botched face lift.

Lucerne – Just kidding. THIS is the episode of The Walking Dead where the dude from Love Actually travels to Switzerland in the 1960s.

Lucerne – Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game

Lucerne – Frozen 2: The long lost third princess of Arendelle returns from Star Trek Deep Space Nine

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Where Are They Now: Little Boys With Bowl Cuts From 90s RomComs

Posted in Miscellany by

All of the best movies from the Golden Age Of The RomCom – the 1990s – have one thing in common. No, it’s not Meg Ryan, and it’s not Julia Roberts either. Give up? It’s a little boy with a bowl cut. Sleepless in Seattle: little boy with a bowl cut. Father Of The Bride: LBWBC (that’s our abbreviation for Little Boy With Bowl Cut, but I’m sure you caught that). She’s All That: LBWBC… the same LBWBC as Father Of The Bride. All of these little boys with bowl cuts have grown into men by now, so let’s see what they – and their bowl cuts – are up to today.

Sleepless In Seattle

The little boy with the bowl cut: Jonah (Ross Malinger) is a wise-beyond-his-years tot who calls a radio show to find love for his widowed dad, Sam. Jonah is best pals with Jessica, a miniature Gaby Hoffmann. The most badass bowl cut in the genre, little Jonah flies cross-country to help his Pops meet the lady of his dreams.

Was it a good bowl cut? LOOK at this freaking bowl cut. Perfectly follows his head contours, rich brown coloring, neither too puffy nor too limp: this is the bowl cuts all other bowl cuts aspire to be.

Where is he now? Little Jonah attended three different schools during his fourth grade year, as Sam and his main squeeze Annie tried to decide whether to live in Seattle, Baltimore, or somewhere in the middle (which was short lived, because the middle was Kansas). He and Jessica briefly dated in high school. Jonah now works as a travel agent.

Does he still have a bowl cut? I could see that. That full, tidy helmet of a bowl cut is too beautiful to waste.

One Fine Day

The little boy with the bowl cut: Sammy (Alex D. Linz, the most celebrated Boy With A Bowl Cut of the mid-90s) is the child of harried single mom, Melanie (Michelle Pfeiffer). Melanie has a hectic meet-cute when she accidentally swaps cell phones with the harried single dad (George Clooney) of Maggie (an itty-bitty Mae Whitman, whom we now know and love as Parenthood’s Amber). Sammy is a bit less precocious than Jonah. The Sleepless In Seattle bowl-cut boy meant to help his dad out, but this kiddo just keeps tying up his mom’s schedule so that she keeps running into Clooney. Important thing to remember about this movie: it was long enough ago (1996) that the mere fact that both adults had cell phones that they used outside of emergencies meant that they were very busy and important.

Was it a good bowl cut? It’s a bad bowl cut. Not bad in the “not good” sense but bad like hardass and dripping with danger. Look how ruffled and sun-bleached it is. It’s a bowl cut on the edge, and neither comb nor convention can constrain it.

Where is he now? Like most neglected children, Sammy is a pretty happy kid because nobody’s keeping tabs on him. He’s also a pretty hellish teenager. The adults manage to make their relationship work, and Sammy and Maggie spend high school smoking and drinking and throwing parties during their parents’ frequent business trips. Inspired by his stepdad’s career, Sammy goes to J-school and gets nepotismed into a low-status section of the New York Daily News, before ultimately getting downgraded to a staff blogger.

Does he still have a bowl cut? No way.

You’ve Got Mail

The little boy with the bowl cut: Matthew Fox (Jeffrey Scaperrotta) is the little half-brother of Joe (Tom Hanks), the heir to a book megastore dynasty. Together with Joe’s aunt Annabel (a little girl), Matt serves the purpose of making Joe seem more kind-hearted and appealing to children’s bookstore owner Kathleen (Meg Ryan).

Was it a good bowl cut? Yeah, it’s fine.

Where is he now? After Annabel’s father dies (because he is like 80), she moves in with Matt’s family and becomes his sort-of sister. Then Matt’s father dies too, not because I have a particularly bleak outlook on things but because those virile Fox men fathered children into their 70s. Anyway, they both move in with Joe and Kathleen, and there’s no real family strife. Their fake mom runs a children’s bookstore and Matt wears turtlenecks, for goodness sake. They’re perfect. Matt’s biggest rebellion is choosing the Boxcar Children over The Bobbsey Twins. In the present day, Matt heads up the children’s division of Fox Books. Kathleen maintains an infuriatingly cute mommy blog/ Pinterest account. You saw how cute her shop is.

Does he still have a bowl cut? Oh, he absolutely still has a bowl cut.

As Good As It Gets

The little boy with the bowl cut: Spencer (Jesse James) is our most delicate Little Boy With A Bowl Cut. You can tell because his bowl cut is blond and tousled, not a robust brunette bowl cut like the healthier Sammy or Matt. He has an unnamed, mysterious disease which worries his waitress mom Carol (Helen Hunt), but not enough to keep her from hooking up with an old guy (Jack Nicholson).

Was it a good bowl cut? You know how, when a human dies, even if you were lukewarm on them before, once they’re dead they were your favorite and the very best? Well. This bowl cut was my favorite and the very best.

Where is he now? RIP. That mystery disease was bad news.

Does he still have a bowl cut? No. Because RIP. That bowl cut was a fair flower, not long to blossom in this world.

Father Of The Bride

The little boy with the bowl cut: Matty (because boys from RomComs are named Matthew) is Annie’s kid brother (because women from RomComs are named Annie). When she comes home from Europe and announces her engagement, the whole family falls into a tizzy planning the wedding, as dad George (Steve Martin) struggles to let go of his little girl. In the sequel, Father Of The Bride Part II, Matty’s mom (Diane Keaton) and sister are both expecting babies at the same time

Was it a good bowl cut? No, it was the WORST bowl cut. Lank and flat, like whatever the less-full version of a bowl is (colander maybe?).

Where is he now? After watching his father wax nostalgic about playing basketball with big sis Annie  – seemingly forgetting that he still had a small child at home – Matty realizes he’ll never measure up to his sister. Instead, he focuses on being the best big bro possible to Baby Megan. There was recently a rumor that Steve Martin would be filming a sequel where he plays the father of the groom (an all-grown-up Matty!) in a same-sex wedding. I like that. Let’s go with that.

Does he still have a bowl cut? I have never seen a bowl cut on a gay man, although I’m sure they must exist. So, in a word, no.

She’s All That

The little boy with the bowl cut: Your eyes aren’t fooling you, you’ve seen that bowl cut before! Kieran Culkin, the baby brother from Father Of The Bride, is the baby brother once again. He and his sister Laney are raised by their single dad after the death of their mother. Unlike Laney, Simon realizes that Zack (Freddie Prinze Jr.) is a trashy garbage dude-bro. Simon also has hearing aids, for some reason. On one hand it’s very cool to have a disability that isn’t an issue in a movie, on the other hand WTF just tell us what’s up with his hearing, you know?

Was it a good bowl cut? With all due respect to those great PSAs, it gets worse. It’s PARTED. There’s a tendril on his FOREHEAD. It’s like a limper version of Dorothy HAMILL.

Where is he now? Trudging through every family Christmas with his much-hated brother-in-law Zack, playing with his nephews Brayler and Kylan (because of course that’s what Zack The Bro would call his children), doing something in I.T. probably. He got cochlear implants, not that anyone really noticed or cared about Simon’s hearing anyway. Or Simon in general.

Does he still have a bowl cut? Nah. He only had that to cover his hearing aids.

Bowl Cuts: An Epilog

The craze (?) for Little Boys With Bowl Cuts continued into the romantic comedies of the early 2000s. The golden age was over, but lustrous bowl cuts still made appearances in About A Boy, Love Actually and Raising Helen. With the post-9/11 economy and Great Recession, the cost of maintaining bowl cuts became too much to muster. The bowl cut may have died, but as long as we have Netflix or Cable TV, they will live in our hearts and screens forevermore.

 

 

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Fantasy Cute Animal Bowl

Posted in Entertainment, Miscellany by

ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR THE BIG GAME THIS WEEKEND??? And by ‘Big Game’ I clearly mean the Puppy Bowl and the Kitty Bowl.

For the past few years, there’s been an alternate match for those who aren’t too interested in annual event which involves all the throwing of the pigskin and barbarians kicking each others’ butts (name that ref). These particular games involve cute animals playing around on a football field and captured for all of America (the internet?) to see. Since I’m not much of a football connoisseur, I figured my talent and time would be wasted on figuring out who’s going to win the actual Super Bowl (is Katy Perry an option?). Instead, I’ve made my own fantasy football-type list and drafted some of the cutest (read: best names) nuggets participating in this year’s Puppy and Kitten Bowl – if they were on the same team and playing against… IDK some goats or penguins?

Chicklet

Oh Chicklet, what big ears you have! The better to hear oncoming opponents, my dear. And as opposed to the gum Chiclet, this little dude lasts longer than flavor goes away in 1 minute.

Aaron Pawdgers

pawdgers

Aaron Pawdgers is my secret weapon. He’s a killer quarterback, but also, like Tony Romo before him, he has a gorge girlfriend, Olivia Mutt, that will probably be able to distract some of the other players.

Cara

Ok, so Cara might not be the most enthusiastic about the game, but like April Ludgate, she cares about her friends and work deep, deep deep down inside.

 William “The Litterbox” Purry

litterbox

If you’re wondering why William’s nickname is The Litterbox, it’s because he’ll bury the little shits on the other team with ease.

 

Bryan Adams

Too bad about his divorce from Mandy Moore. Oh, that’s RYAN Adams? This is the dog that sang Everything I Do. 

Ryan Fitzcatrick

fitzcatrick

Careful of this Ryan. He’s a Halfcat. The other half is a badass.

 

Papi

“Papi may play coy, but he’s got a few tricks up his sleeve. Look for him to complete a few sneak plays.” This is the face that does sneaky plays.

Mr. Meowgi

meowgi

Believe it or not, Mr. Meowgi has some special martial arts moves that he’s gonna defo break out during the game.

 

Miss Martian

IF UFOs and aliens are on Miss Martian’s side, we really can’t go wrong.

Steve

steve

I mean. Steve. This kitty’s name is Steve.

 

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30 Before 30

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Miscellany by

Last year, I was talking to my friend about life goals and what not, and she mentioned that she was planning to do something called 30 Before 30, which is basically a bucket list of goals to accomplish before turning 30 in the next year. I’ve always been one for bucket lists. Before I left Boston, I made a list of all the places I wanted to go that I hadn’t been able to go to in the years that I lived there. I’ve even exchanged New Year’s resolutions in favor of a life bucket list. So I decided to make a 30 Before 30 bucket list of my own.

Since I turn 29 on the 27th (tomorrow), I’ve decided to use that date as a starting point for my 30 Before 30, having exactly one year to accomplish as much as I can until I turn the “Big 3-0”. For the 30 things on my list, I tried not to just pick things that I’ve wanted or been meaning to do, but things that I feel like will help me as I enter the next age bracket of my life. While 30 isn’t as “old” as it used to be, I still feel like there’s a certain level of adulthood I should reach before entering my third decade of life. So here are just a few of the items on my list – I didn’t want to put all of them, even though I know this is a completely safe space, but also for brevity. We have jobs and lives to get back to. I’ll be documenting my 30 Before 30 now and then on the blog, so watch this space if you’re interested in seeing how my attempt as a real adult goes!

Do you guys have bucket lists like this?

Learn to make 3 new dishes

When I cook dinner, it’s not really anything special. The less ingredients the better. I blame this on account of my frugality and laziness, but I’m hoping to change that (the laziness, at least I can control). I figure if I master at least 3 good dishes, it can be my go to for parties and what not. Sushi is probs my favorite food, so another one of the things on my list is learn how to make sushi. And conveniently, I would also like to have a dinner party, so all this just fits right together.

Go somewhere I’ve never gone before

Photo Jan 17, 4 12 58 PM

If I won the lottery today, I would use it to pay off all my debts, do some other things with it, and then travel. Anywhere my heart desires – possibly even in first class! Living in LA, you kind of get stuck in the… LA-ness of it, and it’s good for your sanity to get out every once in a while. I usually spend my vacation time in the same places, mainly back home on the east coast. But there are so many other places to go that won’t break the bank. Although I said I would start this thing on my birthday, I’ve cheated on a few things already, this being one of them. A few of my friends and I recently went up to Napa Valley for a brief, yet completely successful and fulfilling weekend, and it was glorious. It was my first time in that area, and let me tell you – Napa is everything it’s cracked up to be, folks.

Travel somewhere by myself

Speaking of which, I feel all Eat Pray Love/Wild about this, in that going on a trip by yourself is necessary in life. I’m an only child and independent by nature, so the thought of this doesn’t sound scary or intimidating, as I imagine it would be to some people. This sounds delightful to me and I have yet to figure out where said trip will be.

Volunteer 20 hours

I used to volunteer a lot growing up. Forgetting the fact that in high school a lot of it was required, I actually enjoyed volunteering, and did it throughout college. For a while there I even wanted to work for a non-profit. I really want to get back into it, and I’ve had some attempts in the past couple of years, but I’m actually making a goal of 20 hours to fill, which is really not even that much.

Get a massage

I’m gonna be real with y’all – I don’t necessarily find it appealing when complete strangers touch me, especially if I’m half naked. Is that completely unreasonable? But I’m going to try to let that go in favor of comfort and relaxation.

Go see at least 5 movies in the theater

I am a TV person. I watch all the TV. And like I mentioned earlier, I am a frugal person. Unless it’s a movie I really want to see in the theater, I will wait until it comes to Netflix and I receive it as part of my subscription. However, working in entertainment news, it’s usually helpful to know what I’m writing about, and not just basic facts about them. I’m not gonna lie to you – I already have my first movie lined up. And it’s the Backstreet Boys documentary, which comes out on Friday.

Watch 5 “classic” movies

To go along with that, I’ve written about my Pop Culture Blind Spots before, and I’m going to make an effort to actually sit down and watch some of them. We’ll start with the black and white classics… Star Wars will have to wait.

Donate clothes I haven’t worn in a year

I have been meaning to do this for years, and now’s a better time than any to actually follow through. Part of this involves re-organizing my closet, which I’ve already done and am super excited about. But this whole – I’m saving this just in case I need it for a Halloween costume – thing, isn’t working.

Read 3 new books

Again, I am a TV person. I watch all the TV. Thus leaving me with little time to sit and read. Hell, I barely have time to catch up on my Entertainment Weekly issues. As for reading actual books, I find that I read the most when I’m traveling, since there’s nothing else to do. I used to read all the time when I rode the subway in Boston, but now, I have to like pay attention to the road when I’m driving and stuff. Also, I have a tendency to just re-read books – I don’t need to read Harry Potter again (I mean I could and should, but I shan’t). But I’ve set a realistic goal for myself and hopefully I can finish three new books by 2016.

Go to 10 new restaurants

Like my go-to books, I have go to restaurants, and it’s time to change that. I’ve been compiling a list of eateries in LA that I’ve been wanting to go to, and 10 seems like a reasonable number. I will just have to force my friends into going to all new venues.

Explore 5 new places in LA

LA’s a big city, and while I’ve lived here for just over five years now, there’s still plenty more to see. You get stuck living in the bubble of your home neighborhood and work neighborhood, and any little pockets that your frequent. I never make it down to the West side or like Venice (as seen above) or Santa Monica or anything over there, mainly because there’s no reason for me to. Sans Dunkin Donuts, of course. But it’s time I start taking advantage of what’s around me.

Clean out email

I’m at 19% of 15 GB used on my Gmail, which I’ve had since 2006. That number may seem low, but you should see my inbox (don’t). It’s time I start cleaning shit out.

Pay for someone’s coffee 5 times

Pay it forward. Be kind to one another. All that jazz.

Take a photo or video each day

This is not a new thing. I’m going to see if I can keep it up. Instead of posting it every day, I’ll hopefully keep it up and compile everything into a handy video/slideshow on my 30th.

** Important note: I will promise to donate $10 to charity for every item on my list not completed

 

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The Buffalo Weather vs. The Washington Megans: NFL Teams, Renamed

Posted in Miscellany by

By 2017, the Washington Redskins had exhausted all excuses for their team name. “It’s not about PEOPLE, it’s about SKINS.” “Some potatoes have red skin and they’re not offended.” “When you think about it, it’s just a color plus a body part. If we were called the Purple Hairs or the Grey Jowls, we wouldn’t even be having this discussion.”

But they were having that discussion, and everyone was sick of it. The Redskins threw a Hail Mary pass – not on the field, they are not good in 2017 – but in the court… of public discourse. “We’ll change our name if everybody changes their names.”

To their surprise, the rest of the NFL was on board. It was a chance to sell merch, and some of the other teams realized that even if their names weren’t offensive yet, they would be sooner or later. On the first Sunday of the regular season, 2018, the Washington Megans squared off against the Buffalo Weather. And the Cleveland Oranges against the Kansas City Chefs.

Here’s how some of those new names came to be:

The Baltimore Ravens are now The Baltimore Hop-Frogs

The fact that the original team name was a literary reference – To Edgar Allen Poe’s The Raven, of course –  was so badass that the Ravens organization was loathe to change it. But why not look further into the Poe canon and find a work that’s even spookier than The Raven? Enter The Hop-Frog, a short story about a court jester who convinces a group of royals to dress as monkeys then sets them alight, burning them to death.

The Raven, in contrast, was just a bird talking some shit.

The Buffalo Bills are now The Buffalo Weather

The same question plagued the Bills organization for years. What even is a BILL? When a quick survey of the naming committee revealed that nobody – not one person – had met a menacing Bill, they knew they had to come up with something that would strike fear in their opponents.

Then they hit on it. What could be more terrifying, more dangerous, more unpredictable than the Buffalo Weather?

The Cincinnati Bengals are now The Cincinnati Parisiens

Did you know that in the 1800s they used to call Cincinnati “The Paris Of America?” Think about it for a sec. Calling anything the something of somewhere always sounds like it’s either almost an insult or almost a compliment. But Cincinnati – sick of being considered basically the city version of a mom haircut – decided to aim high. With their new team name, Cinci reclaimed its connection to the proud – some would say TOO proud, snooty even – city of Paris.

The Cleveland Browns are now The Cleveland Oranges

Nobody in the Browns organization knew why a team choosing to name itself after a color – already an iffy concept – would also chose to name itself after the WORST color: brown, the color of poop and dirt. However, they were unwilling to repaint the entire stadium and redesign all of their merchandise. So Cleveland chose to keep the same team colors – orange and brown – but named itself after the one that isn’t the disappointment of the color wheel.

The Dallas Cowboys are now The Dallas East Dillon Lions

Dallas put its team name to popular vote, and the people got what they wanted: a team named after the greatest football players in Texas history. The Dallas Tami Taylors lost by a close margin, because Tami Taylor is the truest embodiment of the phrase “don’t mess with Texas.”

The Houston Texans are now The Houston Austins

Look. Texas knows that outsiders’ favorite part of Texas is Austin. It’s not stupid. It also knows that Austin is never going to get its act together to organize a football team. Lord knows it tried. They had meetings and practices and everything, and the result was a mural, a community garden, and a podcast. So, the Texans organization went for the next-best thing, and named the Houston team after the team all of the non-Texans wish existed.

The Indianapolis Colts are now The Indianapolis Adult Horses

Have you ever seen a colt? Cute as hell, but all wobbly on its spindly little legs. Not exactly the name for a football powerhouse. The Colts naming committee wanted to convey an animal with a little bit more power, strength, and maturity. Bam. The Indianapolis Adult Horses.

The Minnesota Vikings are now The Minnesota Ikeas

The Vikings team name was a tribute to Minnesota’s proud Scandinavian heritage. Even more than the Vikings, which Nordic export can confound a grown man into a blubbering mess of tears? IKEA FURNITURE. The new mascot is a confusing diagram on legs –  picture the Bill from Schoolhouse Rock – named the Ikea Directions.

The Kansas City Chiefs are now The Kansas City Chefs

The new Chiefs owner, who is not good at spelling, in fact terrible at spelling, hated dealing with the “i before e” thing in Chiefs. Behind his back, his staff had taken to calling the team the Kansas City Chefs after his most frequent misspelling. As a joke, they all voted for this as the new name… and it won.

Unfortunately, the owner tends to spell it “shefs” now.

The New York Giants are now The New York New Jerseys

The team plays in New Jersey. Everyone knows that this is weird. The organization is just acknowledging it.

The New England Patriots are now The Boston Safety Schools

It seemed awfully ridiculous that most other teams belong to a single city – hell, New York has TWO – yet the Patriots are supposed to represent an entire region. The committee did away with that and just named them for the nearest major metro area. Then, okay, what’s to love about Boston? A lot! Some of the best colleges in the country are in Boston, and so are some of the very good colleges everyone applies to in case they don’t get into those.  Boston may be home to more beloved safety schools than any other city in the country, and it should be proud.

Besides, knocking Harvard down a peg seemed like a pretty Boston thing to do.

The Philadelphia Eagles are now The Philadelphia Iggles

The Eagles organization looked to other Philadelphia teams for inspiration, but got sidetracked discussing the Phillies mascot, the Philly Phanatic. “What’s with this thing where the Phillies have to spell EVERYTHING with a ‘PH?’ It’s annoying. Just spell it like you say it!,” Todd said. It’s not important who Todd is, but this guy is always named Todd.

“Spell it like you say it…” Keith repeated. Freaking Keith.

“Spell it like you say it…” said Don. I’m pretty sure there would be a Don.

And the Philadelphia Iggles were born.

The New York Jets are now The New York Giants

With the Giants renamed to reflect the fact that these guys for real play in New Jersey, the Giants’ name was up for grabs. The Jets knew that a Giant is actually pretty cool, with potential for an awesome mascot and logo that the original Giants never really took advantage of. So they snatched up that name and became the New York Giants.

It’s very confusing and everybody hates it.

The Oakland Raiders are now The Oakland Haircuts

Sometimes, a team knows that it is in the most shining moment in its history. The Chicago Bulls knew it when Jordan was playing, and the Yankees knew it with Babe Ruth. The hybrid bowl cut-mullet sported by Raiders owner Mark Davis? Yeah, the organization’s never going to see another one like that:So, the Oakland Haircuts it is.

The Pittsburgh Steelers are now The Pittsburgh Best Buy Reebok Dairy Queens

They got sort of carried away with the corporate sponsors.

The Seattle Seahawks are now The Seattle Fleece

What’s a Seattle stalwart that forges through bitter winds, driving rain and winter chill? Like, I GUESS their football team, but mostly zip-up fleeces. Guaranteed, if you walk through the streets of Seattle you will see 1000 North Face zip-ups for every one seahawk. And that’s a conservative estimate.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are now The Tampa Bay Nanas

The Buccaneers had spreadsheets and whiteboards all blank and ready. The committee met to discuss what everyone’s favorite things about Tampa were. But really, all anyone likes about Tampa is their Nana who lives there in the winter.

The Washington Redskins are now The Washington Megans

The Redskins had the most at stake in the Great NFL Name Change. All eyes were on them to choose a name that was, at the very least, not racist. After hours of debate, a quiet and exceptionally average-looking committee member spoke up. Like, almost aggressively average, if that makes sense.

“Before I was born, my parents had a lot of trouble coming up with a name. They, too, were afraid of offending someone. See, they couldn’t pick a name from either side of the family, because the other side would get hurt feelings. They couldn’t use a name any of their friends had used on their kids, because that would be stealing. My dad didn’t want anything too fancy, but my mom didn’t want anything too cutesy. By the time they went to the hospital, they still didn’t have a name. But once I was born, my father took one look at my little face, eyes opening to the world for the first time, and said ‘I don’t know. Fucking… Megan?’ The point is, sometimes you just have to pick something.”

But the rest of the committee had already stopped listening to her by the end, and they sort of missed the point. “Fucking… Megan? Eh, good enough.”

And that’s how the Washington Megans got their name.