On October 1st, He Asked Me What Day It Was

It’s October 1st.

Do you guys feel like there’s a large majority of people that are particularly obsessed with this month? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy October, but there are folks who are in love with October. But I suppose they have good reason. While September marks a time when kids go back to school and it’s technically fall, October is kind of like the after-dinner mint of summer. Enough to signify summer’s done, but leaves you feeling like you need to order a slice of cake to fully get into dessert.

October is when it starts to cool down everywhere and there’s a literal shift in the air. We finally acquiesce to wearing more pants instead of skirts, ordering more hot coffee instead of iced, crockpots instead of ice cream makers. For some reason, there’s more of a deliberate move into fall throughout the month of October, with certain habits, routines and traditions we take on. These are just some of the things that get us through the month, and perhaps why October is thought to be the best of them all.

It’s October 3rd

Of course, we start off with National Mean Girls Day (not a real holiday, but most of those ‘National’ days aren’t anyways). It may not fall on a Wednesday this year, but Mean Girls devotees and Plastics everywhere will be wearing pink and Aaron Samuels/Jonathan Bennett will have his annual day of, ‘Hey guys, remember me? I still exist’ on social media.

Pumpkin Errything

If something says ‘Seasonal Item’ stamped across an item, it signals the impulse in our brains to BUY IT BUY ALL THE THINGS RIGHT NOW. From PSL to pumpkin pie Pringles to actual pumpkin pies, we tend to be inundated with orange everywhere… and for most of us, we give in.

And Then Swipe Left On This

Burger King announced they’re also getting in the October spirit by releasing something called the Halloween Whopper, which is basically their signature burg, but with a black bun. Said bun apparently has A1 steak sauce baked into it and has a black pepper flavor flav, and basically it’s disgusting. Just because it’s Halloween doesn’t mean you have to make your taste buds suffer.

Insta That Shit

For the non-California/West Coast residents, you get the privilege of seeing the leaves change colors to something out of a Bob Ross painting IRL. But instead of putting it on canvas, sharing these picturesque landscapes and feet crunching on the ground is perfect for social media.  #Foliage #Fall #Autumn #Leaves #Colors #ILoveFall 

It Gets Super Dark

I realize that we’re nearing the end of Daylight Savings Time, but it always, always catches me off guard when I look outside one second and it’s light out then next thing I know it’s pitch black. I leave work around 7p, so I’m used to the sun going down around the time I leave, but the past few days it’s been like a blackout. Like the picture above is me. #BlackoutSelfie.

Avoid The Candy

legit how i would organize my candy as a kid. i was a nerd.

As adults, Halloween becomes more about going out to parties and collecting alcohol as opposed to going out to strangers’ houses and collecting candy. And because we’re adults, we’re more apt to think, ‘I’m a grown ass man/woman, I can just buy a bag of candy any damn day I want!’. But then at work they have candy lying around and everywhere you look there’s free candy – next thing you know, you’re surrounded by wrappers and you wake up from your sugar coma wondering what just happened. And it happens pretty much from mid-October on to mid-November. This is a problem. Avoid it at all costs. What would your dentist say??

Deciding Which Halloween Parties Not To Go To

actually a nightmare

As previous mentioned, Halloween in your 20s means bars and parties and less going door-to-door. But I’m gonna be honest with y’all – as I approach the big 3-0, I want nothing to do with that. Maybe it’s just me, and I fall in a minority (in more ways than one) of not wanting to go rage in an outfit I’m only going to wear once. Is it a sensible affair with wine and mostly people I know? I’m available. Count me out if it’s a party with more than one Sexy *Item that should never be sexy* costume and a keg. I’m actually too old for that shit.

Scared Straight

Halloween is one of the few holidays that circle around the tradition of watching a certain genre of movies  – Christmas has its own set of films and scary movies are reserved for Halloween. I personally don’t partake in this particular tradition, as I’m more of a Twitches girl, myself. But I get the allure.

Christmastime Is Here

I hate to say it, but I’ve seen it. I’ve seen the store displays with my own two eyes and it’s real.

Best of C+S 2014: The Big Screen Pitch: 90s Board Games

MERRY CHRISTMAS, FRIENDS!! Hope everyone is enjoying time with their loved ones this holiday season! In the spirit of Christmas, we’re looking back at the games we might’ve opened back in the day – and what their movie counterparts would be in modern times.


 

Because apparently movie makers can’t come up with original ideas anymore, there is a live-action film based on the board game Ouija that is coming out today.

In the movie version of the game, a group of teens try to contact their dead friend but have to confront their “most evil and demonic fears” when they dark powers of the Ouija board come to life. That’s the real plot. Of course the concept of taking a board game and making it into a movie is nothing new, with the likes of Clue and Battleship before it, but I feel like it hasn’t been until recently that producers are looking to kids for ideas. I mean look at Transformers and The Lego Movie, which were blockbuster hits. There must be other board game movies in the works, but until those come out, here are a few suggestions from iconic 90s games that should head to big screen.

13 Dead End Drive

Pitch: Aunt Agatha, the matriarch of a rich family in the Hamptons, with a similar demeanor to the Dowager Countess of Grantham, dies at the age of 110, much to the delight of her greedy family. They fight over her estate and assets over the course of a weekend in her Long Island mansion, but her offspring are each secretly trying to kill each other in order to get the most money out of her will. Keep your eyes out for that sneaky cat that might actually trump the humans in the game of trickery.

Mall Madness

Pitch: Set in the 1990s in Minnesota, twin sisters are given a credit card to spend any way they want in the Mall of America for their birthday. But when their parents set them loose, they go a little crazy with their spending habits, running around the mall from store to store swiping the card willy nilly, despite their parents telling them to only spend $150 each. In the process, they witness a man stealing from the local Foot Locker and spend the rest of their day trying to catch him. It’s a big screen version of The Adventures of Mary Kate and Ashley: The Case of the Mall Marauder.

Dream Phone

Pitch: Jennifer, Kaci and Veronica are having their monthly sleepover and decided to prank call a bunch of cute guys from their school. But when they misdial a number, they end up talking to a man who isn’t as friendly as he sounds and they spend the rest of the night trying to avoid his calls – and his unwanted visits to their house.

Don’t Wake Daddy

 

Pitch: The girl who plays Lily on Modern Family and the kid who plays Cory and Topanga’s son on Girl Meets World are siblings who secretly stay up to play a game that’s like Rock Paper Scissors and Russian Roulette late at night and whoever loses each round has to go into their parents’ room and play some sort of prank of their dad – without waking him up. Luckily he’s a narcoleptic so it’s easier done than said.

Pretty Pretty Princess

Pitch: Set in Renaissance-era France, this movie is a coming-of-age story about a young group of boys sneak into one of their dutchess mom’s rooms to try on her clothes and jewelry and one of them secretly likes dressing up in women’s attire more than the others.

Perfection

Pitch: Mary Anne is a high school junior who has always been a perfectionist and at the head of her class. Lately, college tours, application essays, the SATs and the regular grind of school have been making her go a little crazy, so she keeps having odd recurring dreams. The main one involves her trapped in a labyrinth where the main goal is to put huge shapes into their proper corresponding holes before a giant buzzer goes off and she’s ejected from the game and has to start all over again. Starring Ed Begley Jr. as the Games Master.

Splat!

Pitch: A modern tale of a twenty-something Brooklynite who already trouble balancing her job at the local coffee shop and her dog walking job, and the fact that she’s in a long distance relationship with a boy from New Jersey. It only gets worse when she gets bed bugs.

Ask Zandar

Pitch: Zack and Elisa find an old board game in his mom’s attic, and it contains a weird fortune-telling wizard as the main component. Zack is the ever cynical one of the BFFs, but Elisa knows there’s something more to the crystal ball than they think. They end up seeing parts of their future that they like, but a lot they wish they had never seen at all.

Girl Talk

Photo May 25, 9 28 57 PM

 Pitch: Three high school girls stay up all night talking about boys, school, playing MASH and eating Halloween candy, but what they don’t know is that someone is following their every move and recording everything they say. The next day at school, their secrets are exposed and it’s up to the trio to find out who is out to get them.

*Yes, that is me and my two friends from high school, because we were really cool back then.

Gator Golf

Pitch: A group of friends decide to spend their Saturday night at the local mini golf place after plans for a pizza party fall through. At the final hole, they assume the ball goes through the giant gator and down to the golf clubhouse, but one brave soul figures out that by going into the gator’s cave-like mouth, there is a tunnel of secrets underneath the seedy underbelly of the mini-golf course that the owner never wanted exposed.

 

Best Halloween Costumes By Fictional People

I don’t think I’ve ever been one to be all gung-ho about Halloween. Even as a kid, I don’t remember particularly being as excited about dressing up and getting free candy from strangers like my peers. I mean I did it, but I feel like more people were excited about it than I was. In recent years, I’ve opted to go a “lazy” route, in that I either use clothes that I already have or only spend under like $30 to throw together a costume. And they’re usually pop culture inspired. For instance, I went as Liz Lemon one year and even made a fake name tag and Sabor de Soledad bag that I carried around with me.

liz lemon

One year I went as a “Friday Night Lights/Dillon Panthers Rally Girl” and just wore the State Champs shirt I owned and wore a yellow ribbon in my hair. This year I paid $15 to buy orange scrubs off Amazon to be Brook Soso from Orange is the New Black, but I also now get catalogs from the scrubs company. Sorry to break it to them, but I’m not even close to being qualified as a doctor or nurse, unless you count 11 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy as something. Anyways, my point is that for those of you who are ‘meh’ about Halloween like I am, it might be easiest to get inspiration from the Halloween eps on TV. Luckily, I’ve compiled a list of some of the best costumes worn by our favorite characters on TV, and maybe you’ll be gung ho about Halloween once and for all.

The Office

Jim Halpert as Dave

I always sympathized with Jim since he never wanted to dress up, but made a little effort. This might be my favorite one of his costumes. Andy, dressed as one of the Cats from Cats in full garb, asks Jim what he’s supposed to be, and Jim simply points to his name tag and says, “I’m Dave.”

Facebook

“Yes, I am the popular social networking site called Book Face.”

3 Hole Punch version of Jim

You can have him either way – as plain white Jim or 3 hole punch. Paper jokes for paper folks.

Michael Scott with Paper Mache Michael Scott

Because why wouldn’t you have a paper mache version of yourself sitting on your shoulder as a “costume”?

Macgruber

One of the things I love about Michael Scott is that he tries so hard to be cool and hip, but he’s always just a step behind. It’s endearing. He dressed up as SNL’s MacGuyver-esque character MacGruber one year. Unless you’re a hardcore SNL fan, you might not even know who he is (or that Will Forte brought his alter ego to the big screen). But Michael Scott didn’t care, and just assumed everyone would know who he was. Bless.

 Community

Troy Barnes as a sexy vampire

It doesn’t matter if he’s Dracula or not – he’s a sexy vampire. Lawd help me.

Eddie Murphy

Ben Chang as Peggy Fleming

How dare you think Chang is Michelle Kwan. Or Kristi Yamaguchi. RACIST!!

New Girl

Jessica Day as a Zombie

To make ends meet, Jess is forced to take on odd jobs, including one as a zombie in a haunted house. However this particular outfit has Schmidt likening her to a Zombie Woody Allen. “These brains are terrible, and in such small portions.”

 How I Met Your Mother

Marshall Eriksen and Lily Aldrin as (Gay) Jack Sparrow and Green Parrot

Since college, Marshall, Lily and Ted had been dressing up in some sort of theme costume together – salt and pepper and cumin, Lady and the Tramp and their bowl of spaghetti, Lewis and Clark and their canoe. They go all out. With Ted going  as Hanging chad (see next slide), Marshall and Lily decide to go for the gold with this Pirates of the Caribbean costume and ended up getting first place. Spoiler alert?

Naomi as the Slutty Pumpkin and Ted Mosby as Hanging Chad

The Slutty Pumpkin/Hanging Chad romance is a long-running story throughout HIMYM. In the beginning of the series, we find out that Ted meets a girl dressed in a slutty pumpkin costume, but Lily accidentally throws out the Kit Kat wrapper that she wrote her phone number on. So every year, Ted dresses in the same costume (Hanging Chad, topical at the time) hoping she’ll come back. A few seasons later she does, and it turns out to be Katie Holmes. And kids, as you know – she is not the Mother.

Barney Stinson as a Fighter Pilot

Just play Danger Zone while watching this gif. It’s pretty self explanatory. Flightsuit up!

 Friends

Ross Geller as Spudnik

You know that Russian satellite Sputnik? Well I’m a potato which is a spud and I have my antennas.

Ugh. Ross is so underrated.

Happy Endings

Penny Hartz and Max Blum as mom and baby

“I wanna be your wing baby”, Max says to BFF Penny. However they run into a problem when they both start talking to men they’re interested in. Hilarity ensues. Sigh. Miss you show.

 Modern Family

Hayley Dunphy as Sexy Mother Teresa

Modern Family has set a precedent for really good Halloween episodes, and it usually involves Clare being really into it and Haley dressing up as something sexy. This is no different.

The Mindy Project

Mindy Lahiri as Lil Wayne on the Prairie

I appreciate that Mindy Lahiri made an effort to be creative in that she had a string of ideas whcih involved a mashup of characters, including Tinkerbell Tailor Soldier Spy and Dirty Harry Potter. But my favorite is Lil Wayne on the Prairie. Mainly because she looks badass with those dreads and grill.

 Morgan Tookers as a Urinal

Morgan Tookers – American treasure.

 30 Rock

Paul as Natalie Portman (Black Swan) and Jenna Maroney as  former Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver and Pennsylvania gubernatorial candidate Lynn Swann

If you haven’t seen this before, I feel like there’s really no explanation for it. You just need to see if for yourself.

 Parks and Recreation

Ann Perkins as Lolo Jones and Leslie Knope as Rosie the Riveter

Olympian Lolo Jones made her debut the summer before this episode aired, and Rashida kept getting comparisons to her, so clearly the brilliant writers decided to add it on the show. Leslie/Amy as Rosie is a natural choice, no?

 Tom Haverford as T Pain

Again, Tom as T-Pain is a natural fit. I feel like Tom thinks he’s T-Pain 24/7 and Halloween is an excuse to just dress up like him.

The Big Screen Pitch: 90s Board Games

Because apparently movie makers can’t come up with original ideas anymore, there is a live-action film based on the board game Ouija that is coming out today.

In the movie version of the game, a group of teens try to contact their dead friend but have to confront their “most evil and demonic fears” when they dark powers of the Ouija board come to life. That’s the real plot. Of course the concept of taking a board game and making it into a movie is nothing new, with the likes of Clue and Battleship before it, but I feel like it hasn’t been until recently that producers are looking to kids for ideas. I mean look at Transformers and The Lego Movie, which were blockbuster hits. There must be other board game movies in the works, but until those come out, here are a few suggestions from iconic 90s games that should head to big screen.

13 Dead End Drive

Pitch: Aunt Agatha, the matriarch of a rich family in the Hamptons, with a similar demeanor to the Dowager Countess of Grantham, dies at the age of 110, much to the delight of her greedy family. They fight over her estate and assets over the course of a weekend in her Long Island mansion, but her offspring are each secretly trying to kill each other in order to get the most money out of her will. Keep your eyes out for that sneaky cat that might actually trump the humans in the game of trickery.

Mall Madness

Pitch: Set in the 1990s in Minnesota, twin sisters are given a credit card to spend any way they want in the Mall of America for their birthday. But when their parents set them loose, they go a little crazy with their spending habits, running around the mall from store to store swiping the card willy nilly, despite their parents telling them to only spend $150 each. In the process, they witness a man stealing from the local Foot Locker and spend the rest of their day trying to catch him. It’s a big screen version of The Adventures of Mary Kate and Ashley: The Case of the Mall Marauder.

Dream Phone

Pitch: Jennifer, Kaci and Veronica are having their monthly sleepover and decided to prank call a bunch of cute guys from their school. But when they misdial a number, they end up talking to a man who isn’t as friendly as he sounds and they spend the rest of the night trying to avoid his calls – and his unwanted visits to their house.

Don’t Wake Daddy

 

Pitch: The girl who plays Lily on Modern Family and the kid who plays Cory and Topanga’s son on Girl Meets World are siblings who secretly stay up to play a game that’s like Rock Paper Scissors and Russian Roulette late at night and whoever loses each round has to go into their parents’ room and play some sort of prank of their dad – without waking him up. Luckily he’s a narcoleptic so it’s easier done than said.

Pretty Pretty Princess

Pitch: Set in Renaissance-era France, this movie is a coming-of-age story about a young group of boys sneak into one of their dutchess mom’s rooms to try on her clothes and jewelry and one of them secretly likes dressing up in women’s attire more than the others.

Perfection

Pitch: Mary Anne is a high school junior who has always been a perfectionist and at the head of her class. Lately, college tours, application essays, the SATs and the regular grind of school have been making her go a little crazy, so she keeps having odd recurring dreams. The main one involves her trapped in a labyrinth where the main goal is to put huge shapes into their proper corresponding holes before a giant buzzer goes off and she’s ejected from the game and has to start all over again. Starring Ed Begley Jr. as the Games Master.

Splat!

Pitch: A modern tale of a twenty-something Brooklynite who already trouble balancing her job at the local coffee shop and her dog walking job, and the fact that she’s in a long distance relationship with a boy from New Jersey. It only gets worse when she gets bed bugs.

Ask Zandar

Pitch: Zack and Elisa find an old board game in his mom’s attic, and it contains a weird fortune-telling wizard as the main component. Zack is the ever cynical one of the BFFs, but Elisa knows there’s something more to the crystal ball than they think. They end up seeing parts of their future that they like, but a lot they wish they had never seen at all.

Girl Talk

Photo May 25, 9 28 57 PM

 Pitch: Three high school girls stay up all night talking about boys, school, playing MASH and eating Halloween candy, but what they don’t know is that someone is following their every move and recording everything they say. The next day at school, their secrets are exposed and it’s up to the trio to find out who is out to get them.

*Yes, that is me and my two friends from high school, because we were really cool back then.

Gator Golf

Pitch: A group of friends decide to spend their Saturday night at the local mini golf place after plans for a pizza party fall through. At the final hole, they assume the ball goes through the giant gator and down to the golf clubhouse, but one brave soul figures out that by going into the gator’s cave-like mouth, there is a tunnel of secrets underneath the seedy underbelly of the mini-golf course that the owner never wanted exposed.

 

Last Minute Pop Culture Inspired Halloween Costumes

Happy Halloween, y’all! Hope you’re all eating your weight in candy then promptly vomiting because it’s actually the bestworst decision you could ever make.

I’m going to be completely honest with you guys – I’ve never really been into Halloween. There are people who go all out and spend hundreds of $$$ on their costumes, throw elaborate parties etc., but I’ve never been one of those people. If I do have to dress up, I will be that rational person who buys clothes which can be easily worn for more than one night. For example, I was Where’s Waldo last weekend and the only item I will most likely never wear again are the $4.50 faux black glasses from Forever 21. That’s just how I roll.

So in honor of people who are cheap like me, are procrastinators, or just need an idea for that party you’ve just been invited to today for this weekend, here are some suggestions that don’t involve spending a lot of money – you might not need to buy anything at all!

Instagram/Selfie

Just grab a giant piece of cardboard, scissors and a blue marker, and copy Insta’s pic frame exactly. I’m assuming B didn’t make this personally, but let’s just say she did. And basically if Beyonce can find time to do it, so can you.

Grumpy Cat

Face makeup and a steady hand, and you’re one of the internet’s fave memes. Plus if you run into someone you dislike at a party, you don’t even have to pretend to enjoy their company.

Lady Gaga Artpop

You may end up looking like a crazy person, but it seems easy enough. And perhaps you’ll even get some APPLAUSE out of it too. LOLOLOLOLOL

Regina George from Mean Girls

Bra with a white tank? So fetch.

Liz Lemon from 30 Rock

Guess who has two thumbs and went as Liz Lemon to the West Hollywood Halloween party a few years ago? This moi.

Arthur

And I said hey! (HEY!) What a wonderful easy kind of costume that you can put together in seconds and still make people love your nostalgic creativity!

Amanda Bynes

Amanda Bynes
I was going to be crazy Amanda Bynes this year, but decided I’d have to buy way more of these items than I thought, but can someone please be her so my idea doesn’t go to waste?!

#StarbucksDrakeHands

Photo Oct 30, 12 47 08 AM

I love watching people’s take on #StarbucksDrakeHands, so this costume is perfect. Don’t know what this internet sensation is? Let this guide help you. Also, Aaron Paul. And Derek Hough. And this random cat.

Blue Screen of Death

I had a friend who went as this a few years ago and I can attest that it was such a hit with everyone.

Wilson from Home Improvement

A little arts and crafts are involved but come on, you don’t even need to smile or act like you’re having a good time with this mini fence!

Ghost Post: My Personal Spooky Stories

I’m a pretty skeptical person, and I’m positive these stories have rational, non-ghostly explanations. But if you ARE looking for ghostly explanations, I should probably mention that I was born with a caul or veil, which is disgusting. According to superstition, caulbearers are supposed to have second sight (or immunity from drowning, or greatness). My aunt said it was supposed to mean great beauty, but by the time I hit my early 20s it was pretty clear that ship wasn’t going to sail. If “second sight” means I get these spooky stories to tell at Halloweentime, though, I’ll take that over good looks any day.

 In which a pale, creepy child has her dreams haunted by a little girl ghost

If you were a kid in our hometown in the early 90s, you knew about the little girl who was kidnapped. There were posters everywhere, vigils, benefits, constant news reports. She was an adorable girl with long blonde hair, about 4 years old.

About a year after she’d disappeared, I hadn’t thought about her in a long time because a year is a lot longer in kid-years. Then, I had the dream. I was in a townhouse, and I knew it was my home in the dream even though I lived in a 1920s city house in my real life. Isn’t it weird how that happens in dreams? A little girl knocked at the door, asking for help so that the man didn’t get her. I couldn’t do anything.

The dream cut to the same little girl, underwater. She was clearly dead – green, even – with her blonde hair swirling around her face. Then she started narrating from beyond the grave. Ew. I can still hear it: “He put me in the water. I’m still here. They still haven’t found me.” It’s can even hear her tone – mocking, almost, like she’d been so let down and was so done with everybody. I woke up chilled, and thought of the missing girl for days after (days are longer in kid-years, too.).

A little over a year later, I was watching 20/20 because I was the world’s lamest 9-year-old. It was a special about kids getting sucked down pool drains. The station cut in with a breaking report, and before the reporters said anything or a title card came up, I just knew it was about her.

It was. They found the girl – who was kidnapped and killed in her neighbor’s townhouse – stashed in a giant water tank.

I’m sure it was all a big coincidence. How many dreams do you have that don’t end up coming true? Most of them, really – you just forget about them. But between the dream, the tank, and the damn 20/20 special, I wouldn’t go near the deep end of a pool for years.

 In which ghosts hate me cause they ain’t me

There was only one time anyone has wanted to be me, and it was a ghost. [Rationally: it was a series of flukes – but it’s Halloween, so let’s play!] Freshman year of college, I came back from visiting friends down the hall and told my roommate that I really had to work on an essay. “Weren’t you doing it earlier, when I walked by and you were at your computer?” We figured out what time she had seen me, and I wasn’t at my computer, or in the room at all. Meet Ghost Molly. [Realistically: it was 2004, which means if we’d accidentally left our door unlocked someone probably jumped onto my computer to change my Away Message on AIM.]

The next semester, my friends were all talking about the fire drill the night before. I had no knowledge of a fire drill.  I truly thought they were playing a stupid prank on me, until I asked enough people I wasn’t friends with, too. Yep, there was a drill, which I’d apparently slept through — except, at least 2 people said they saw me, standing apart and looking away. I’m sure I was in my bed all night, so what they saw was obviously my ghost twin again (honestly: I hope that WAS a ghost because sleepwalking scares me more than the undead).

The next year we lived in a “haunted suite.” For instance, one suitemate accused our other friend of coming into her room in the middle of the night and pulling on her toe – but he didn’t. Another friend confronted all of us because her goldfish went missing. I’m pretty sure she still thinks we stole it, because we all started laughing — but only because goldfish don’t disappear so it was hilarious (R.I.P. Pearl. 2005 – 2005). Also, my roommate thought that I was home napping in the middle of the day because she, you know, saw me at home napping and could hear me breathing. I was at class all day. Doppelganger Molly strikes again.

That semester, my friends and I were taking a walk when we ran into our roommate. She had met with a psychic who said that the room was haunted and we were supposed to be respectful, prayerful, and not make fun of the ghost. We started laughing, obviously. As with Poor Dead Pearl, we only laughed because it was so unexpected. Then we probably went back to the room and laughed at the ghost, too. Does it count as ‘mocking’ the ghost to name him Devon, after Devon Sawa, the tween star of Casper? Because we did that as well. The take-away here is probably that I’m unable to take anything seriously.

F’real, though, life was pretty damn cushy in college. I’d have wanted to be me if I were a ghost, too.

 In which death comes rapping at my chamber door

I lived in a borderline-divey neighborhood in law school, in a cute art deco apartment with no peephole. You couldn’t get into the building without a key, so if someone knocked at my door I knew it wasn’t just a friend dropping by. Between the lack of peephole and being able to rule out friendly visitors,  I usually wouldn’t answer my door  when it was really late. Shortly after I moved in, though, I started to get knocks on my door in the middle of the night. First it happened every few months, then just about every week. Without a way to check who it was, I’d usually just hold my breath until the knocking stopped.

I don’t think it was a ghost. I just lived in a bad neighborhood and had some iffy neighbors. I got a dog and started keeping a knife under my bed.

Hey, they can’t all be ghost stories.

Playlist Of The Month: Songs By People Who Scare Me

October is the month for pretty foliage, pumpkin everything, for people to freak out when it gets darker around 5:30pm, and of course, Halloween.

Regarding this festive holiday, there are four types of people when it comes to Halloween.

1) Kids

2) Adults who like dressing up

3) Adults who don’t really care about dressing up but who enjoy going to non-stop parties

4) People who like to get scared.

If you qualify in that fourth category, this playlist if for you. We figure that instead of playing Monster Mash over and over again, you need a real playlist that will make you so scared because the artists who sing them are actually the most frightening people in the world. Read on to see if the musicians who you can’t bare to listen to are on our playlist of the month!

And check out (if you’re brave enough) check out the entire playlist on Spotify!

Molly’s Picks

R. Kelly – Trapped In The Closet (Chapter 1)

I like R. Kelly’s music, most of the time. Really, I do. It’s just that I can’t see him without being reminded that whatever it is he’s doing, he’d probably rather be peeing on young girls.

Marilyn Manson – The Dope Show

All of the “goth” and “alternative” kids in my children’s theater troupe in the late 90s (shut up) were into Marilyn Manson, but Mainstream Molly here was not a fan. It’s not that I think he’s really violent – in interviews he’s a nice, normal guy. It’s the concept of a 40-year-old who is still hanging on to that teenaged urge to piss off “the man” that scares me.

Courtney Love – Celebrity Skin

I know. If Tavi loves her, I should love her. But still. If I can think of one person I’d be terrified to get into a twitter feud with, or date her ex-boyfriend, or run into when she’s coming down off some crazy drugs, it’s Courtney Love.

Tiny Tim – Tiptoe Through The Tulips

No. Nope. No, no, no. When I have a dream that I’m getting married by accident and have no way out of it, this is the face I see after my veil is lifted. While best known for his rendition of Tiptoe Through The Tulips, theres something extra-horrifying about this guy who sounds like a ghost  from the 1920s singing Do Ya Think I’m Sexy, Highway To Hell, and Stayin’ Alive (he covered them all)]

Hatebreed – Destroy Everything

I first heard about this band last year, when CNN mislabeled them as a white supremacist band. They’re… not?… I guess. Which is good, because we don’t want to give anything like that clicks. However, they still do seem to hate everyone. They just hate them all equally. I know you can’t judge a book by its cover, but that’s mostly what this post was about, and if I broke down on the highway and my choice was to get a ride with these guys or wait in an unheated car in a snowstorm 3 hours for AAA to show up, I’d take the latter, no question.

Traci’s Picks

Metallica – Enter Sandman

I listen to/can tolerate a lot of different genres of music – except metal. Anything that is remotely heavy metal or punk rock or screamo or doesn’t involve harmonies but does involve yelling and anger, I’m not a fan. My ears deserve better. Which is why one of the best heavy metal bands is on this list. I don’t appreciate middle-aged white men screaming at me in real life, I don’t appreciate it through the speakers either.

Rammstein – Du Hast

I remember when this song popped up in the 1990s MTV era and I was like ‘What in the world am I watching right now? Bring back BSB.’ If it isn’t apparent, Rammstein is a German band which was named after an air show disaster in 1988. And PS: Du Hast in German translates to ‘You Hate’, so there’s that. They’re known for their controversial (and offensive) stage shows and music videos, but they’ve sold 25 million records worldwide, so I guess there’s a market for this kind of crap.

Insane Clown Posse – Hokus Pokus

Alright, let’s be clear. Not only do I think people dressed up like this are scary, but the spectacle is completely unnecessary. I get that everyone has their freedom of expression, but ugh I just don’t get it or think it’s a good thing to be teaching the younger generations. Anyways, back to ICP – they definitely picked the appropriate name for their band, because they are exactly that. The first thing I think of when hearing ICP is the  Juggalo convention. Don’t know what it is? Get ready to have your mind blown (and mind blown here-NSFW/NSFL). Alcohol, drugs, nudity, sex, death, objectifying women, everything that’s great about America.

Slipknot – Snuff


There was a few kids at my middle school that liked Slipknot and I never understood why, because I felt like they should have merged their group with ICP, but also because they were scary as hellll. All the members wear masks from out of a horror movie, and no one knows their names since they all go by numbers or like, ‘guy with protruding pins coming out of his head’. The most disturbing thing is that their songs have inspired people to commit crimes and grave rob. Lit’rally rob a grave.

Gwar – Sick of You


Hi, this band’s members looks like if video game villains came to life and then they throw (fake?) blood into the crowd during concerts. Enough said. (Sidenote: since I’ve never heard a song by the last 3 artists, I just picked the most popular off Spotify. So I mean, my apologies if they’re the worst.)

Non-Scary Movies That Will Scare the $HiT Out of You

I’m not much of a horror movie person. I would rather see all the rom-coms in existence (ranging from Hallmark Channel to When Harry Met Sally) than sit through a marathon of Friday the 13th movies. It’s not particularly because it’s scary, but because I don’t find the appeal in watching someone get bludgeoned to death with like a knife or a chainsaw.

The first movie I remember ever thinking was truly frightening was The Sixth Sense, because that was the paranormal factor yet ‘realistic’ side to it that freaked me out when I was just 13. Movies that aren’t necessarily considered horror – that are more psychologically scary are waayyy more horrific than any Mike Meyers type film. Here’s my list of scary non-scary movies that actually make me lost my shit.

Gravity

So I saw the trailer for this in the movie theater and IMMEDIATELY said ‘NOPE’ outloud. But then a couple weeks ago, it finally came out and the buzz was through the roof. No one said anything about the plot, or the outcome , just that it was amazing and would blow your mind.

Because I sometimes cave to peer pressure, I finally saw it. And holy shit was everyone right. There is no way to accurately describe the feeling you have throughout and after watching this movie, other than it affects you. Emotionally, physically – it makes you feel something that I’ve never felt before. The only thing I can kind of compare it to is after I saw Inception, I legit had to sit in my seat until they kicked us out because I didn’t know what to do with myself (slash I wanted to know if the top fell or not). It’s like Inception but 10 times worse/better.

There were definitely parts where the anxiety level was high, and seeing Sandra Bullock and George Clooney dangle in space was absolutely horrifying. But it reminds you that we are just a small part of this entire galaxy, and maybe that’s the most frightening part of it all.

Requiem for a Dream

I was introduced to this film my freshman year of college in one of my writing classes (liberal arts school = a writing class where my final paper was about Studio 54 and Macaulay Culkin’s Party Monster). Now I don’t do drugs, but after watching this film there was no way in hell I was ever going to start. The way Darren Aronofsky makes you feel like you’re actually doing drugs with them was plenty enough for me to feel like I was high too. The close up cinematography of the drugs themselves was a startling reminder of what you’re actually dealing with – and not to mention I think Breaking Bad may have taken a page out of Aronofsky’s book.

And the music? Yeah, if I hear the first few notes of Lux Aeterna, it takes me to a place in my mind I never want to be. Bitches be crazy on drugs, y’all.

Contagion

To be completely honest, the idea of Contagion sounded so scary to me that I couldn’t even watch the movie. I’m just putting it on here because it sounds like the worst possible thing that could feasibly happen to the citizens of the world. It hits too close too home and I don’t like it one bit. This is why I don’t like going out – people can catch things.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

At first glance, this is a fun children’s movie, right? WRONG. As much as I love this movie, let’s be real. What kind of creepy old man, who hasn’t been seen in years, has a contest to invite kids into his sketchy chocolate factory, which is all really a test to see who would become his rightful heir? And come on – this scene alone? Why did we let kids watch this movie?!?

Black Swan

Going in to Black Swan, I really didn’t think it was going to be as creepy and unsettling as it actually was. But leave it up to Darren Aronofsky once again to freak your bean. Remember the part with the feathers? Yeah, that still haunts me to this day.

Fantasia

Hands down, the weirdest Disney film ever. I remember seeing this in the theater with my parents and falling asleep, but I think it was really because I subconsciously didn’t want my innocent eyes to see the ecstasy trip that was happening on screen. Honestly, if I did drugs (which again, thank Requiem for that), it would probably be a much better film? IDK though guys, it still doesn’t make sense to me and I imagine that that’s what Disney hell looks like.

BONUS:

Unsolved Mysteries

Don’t tell me this theme song alone didn’t make you want to run into a corner and cry. I would make my parents change the channel anytime it accidentally came on because it was THAT frightening… I really shouldn’t have been watching so much television as a kid…

Live Blog: Halloweentown

Welcome to our second Halloween Throwback Live Blog (the first was Hocus Pocus). Live blogging Halloweentown was a no-brainer: we love the 90s, we love live blogging terrible tv movies, and we love Disney Channel Original Movies (that’s DCOMs to all of y’all). Plus, Halloweentown is airing on the Disney Channel tonight! Read this to do your prep work, or follow along during the broadcast. I promise you would have predicted all of the spoilers anyway. Without further ado, your companion to Halloweentown:

– I’m already thinking this is going to be better than I remember, because one of the first things to show up on the credits is “Music by Mark Mothersbaugh”. You may remember that he did the spot-on music for Rugrats. Also, a little project called Devo.

– Fun fact: the main character, a Winnie Cooper-ish 13-year-old, is named Marnie. The timeline just about adds up for her to be the same age as the character in Girls today. So, if you get bored during this, just imagine the teen witch (SPOILER!) growing up to be Marnie Michaels.

Danica McKellar was presumably busy doing ‘oh God anything but this.’

– This flick features one of my favorite 90s stock characters, the dweeby, infuriating younger brother a la Ferguson Darling.

– Well, I spent the whole first 5 minutes wondering why Winnie’s Marnie’s wearing a Halloween costume when the whole plot is that her mom won’t let the kids go Trick-Or-Treating. Then, I realize that this is probably just an outfit in 1998.

– Marnie and her mom, Gwen, argue about trick-or-treating. Bam. Say what you will about DCOMs, we are five minutes in and the movie has already passed Bechdel test.

– Annoying younger brother (Ferguson, I’m calling him) says that talking about their father – who the kids don’t know – always bums their mom out. Why are so many childrens’ movies predicated on the idea that mama used to get around? Or maybe he’s dead.

– The kids’ grandma, Aggie, shows up and is a total witch.

– Aggie, by the way? Debbie Freakin’ Reynolds. Well, they can’t all be Singin In The Rain. If we learned anything from Hocus Pocus, it’s that children’s Halloween films are where beloved elder actresses go when they just don’t care anymore.

– Also, Gwen is Judith Hoag, so hell, they can’t even all be Nashville.

– After what seems like minutes (but, like, a lot of minutes), Tandy Gwen finally lets Aggie tell the kids a story. See, although a lot of movies have the trope where a parent is super strict but it’s for a very good reason the kids can’t know about, I still think Gwen kind of sucks.

– Aggie brings a picture book with crude illustrations of witches and goblins. Marnie loves it because it’s “all the stuff [she’s] into.” Things Marnie’s Into: (1) Drawings that look like they were made on Microsoft Paint, I guess.

I’m just going to go ahead and say that the entire budget went to Debbie Reynolds.

– Did every girl in the 90s have a white wicker bed, or was that just on tv?

– Aggie – wearing a diaphanous blouse that makes her look like Stevie Nicks as played by Debbie Reynolds – argues with Gwen that Marnie’s witch education should be done by now (Bechdel!). So, this is basically a way-less cool version of Harry Potter. Forget an owl on your 11th birthday, in Halloweentown-verse, you find out you’re a witch when your grandma visits.

– Marnie is surprisingly chill for a child who just discovered that she and her relatives are all supernatural beings. Meanwhile, I found out I’m part English last year and I’m still trying to get my head around it.

– Marnie and Ferg-wad sneak onto grandma’s super secret witch bus – which is just a school bus rocking back and forth in front of a green screen. Well, it’s no Knight Bus, that’s for certain. It’s like this whole thing was written by J.K. Rowling’s less-imaginative cousin.

– You don’t have to do a Halloweentown drinking game, but if you are, you should chug every time Ferguson Darling refers to himself as “the man of the house,” because he does it kind of a lot.

– It appears that everyone in Halloweentown is in costume, so who knows, maybe Aggie is going as Stevie Nicks this year.

– Fergie and Marnie’s sister, Sophie, followed them there. Oh yeah. Now’s a good time to mention that there’s a little sister. There was really no reason to talk about her before. She’s a generic brunette child with bangs.

– The kiddos run into a warlock who tells them that he “knew their mother a long time ago.” Knew biblically? Is he the baby daddy? Why is there so much Maury Povich and so little magic?

– Obligatory Disney meta-reference, re: skeleton chauffer: “He’s probably animatronic; Disney Land’s full of stuff like that.” But honestly? I’ve seen better spooky special effects in the part of the Haunted Mansion ride when the ghost appears next to you in the car.

– Revelation: the people in Halloweentown aren’t in costume, they’re actually supposed to be whatever it is that they’re dressed as. It’s bad, though. The Frankenstein, for instance, looks like a regular guy in a $7.99 latex Frankenstein mask from Party City.

– Marnie’s ready to begin witch training. Her Grandma needs another Cromwell lady to fight some kind of villain, who I already know is going to be way less cool than Voldemort — and I mean less cool than any incarnation of Voldemort, including under-the-turban Voldemort and Tom Riddle Voldemort.

– Luke, the Halloweentown “bad boy,” looks like a tough 13-year-old from the 50s. He has the face of Eddie Haskell, a hairdo that looks like a duck’s ass, and a sassy cropped vest.

– I believe that in Harry Potter parlance, we just learned that Marnie is a mudblood. In English parlance, she’s wearing a big freaking scrunchie.

– The mayor and Gwen reunite and I totally called it: they used to bone.

Gwen: You used to let the magic do the talking.

Mayor: You used to like it – or are you forgetting that part?

Marnie: I guess you like magic when he does it, huh?

– “You’re not a witch just because grandma says you are.” – Gwen, offering reassurance to every girl whose grandma just doesn’t like her very much.

– Disney throws in a hastily-written b-plot to make things more exciting for the older kids. The bad guy stands in an abandoned movie theater and explains what’s going on. It’s like the exposition version of deus ex machina – just really fast-tracking it.

– I worked at a movie theater for like 5 years, and my scariest movie theater story is that one time a teen couple had sex in the theater during Flushed Away, an animated feature about rats and poop.

Anyway. There’s a wicked spell, a bad guy who wants … something to do with power, people being turned into statues, and a magical talisman. Because there’s always a magical talisman in these things (Aggie has it). It’s like a winning row in scary movie bingo.

– Gwen and Aggie get petrificus totalus-ed. Accio, the last hour of my life! Please.

– Marnie says “duh!” because she’s not even cool enough for “doy!”

– Marnie: “We’re Cromwells! Together we can conquer anything!” (Anything like… Ireland? Seriously odd surname choice there, Disney)

– There’s a really pointless scene (as in, more than the other scenes even) with a Halloweentown hairdresser who’s like a lame, cat-like version of Cinna from The Hunger Games – doing the hair of a woman who looks like she’s from The Capital. He keeps saying “yeah, baby!” and I think Disney thinks it can make this movie funny by quoting Austin Powers.

– Sophie saves the day by remembering the spell. Pretty clear who’s the Hermione and who’s the Lavender Brown here (too soon?).

– We learn that spells are simple. “You just have to want it, and let yourself have it!” So now we know where that guy who’s making a ton of money from The Secret got the idea.

– GAME CHANGER. He Who Shall Not Be Named (because I forget his name… because it was stupid) morphs into Gwen’s ex-lover.

– Marnie drops the magic stick into a giant jack-o-lantern and defeats Voldumbort. Apparently his name is Kalibar. I spent a while looking for a cool anagram in there, but again, this is no J.K. Rowling. Unless Bail Ark means something. Maybe it does – as in “abandon ship? this movie is sinking?”

– Fergwad is a warlock, which is convenient for when Marnie inevitably gets Menudo-ed out of the Halloweentown franchise.

– Luke is nice, and as it turns out, troll-faced. He was under a spell before. Aggie is going to move in with the family to babysit. It’s over. Thank goodness. Good night.

Live Blog: Hocus Pocus

We’re only a month out from Halloween, and it’s time to start live blogging some Halloween favorites from yesteryear! Unfortunately, there’s no good live blog pun having to do with Halloween. ‘Liveblog-oween?’ ‘Boo! It’s a Liveblog?’ Nothing.

Actually, that’s not entirely true. It’s just that ‘Liveblog-warts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry’ would take up too many characters on Twitter.

For my first selection, I will be liveblogging the seminal Halloween classic, Hocus Pocus. Hocus Pocus was released in 1993, so I’m documenting this both in commemmoration of its 20-year anniversary, and of my lost youth – truly, the scariest thing of all.

  • The curtain opens on sometime in yesteryear. 1600s? 1700s? But don’t worry, the boy (Elijah) has the patented Cute Teenaged Boy From The Mid’90s Haircut. You know the one.

    Shhhh. You know what? I initially had the awkward drawing app I was using as an excuse for spelling beautiful like that. But I did it. I own it. Keeping the live in live blog.

  • He also has the patented Yesteryear Accent. Not quite American, not quite British – so, like the 1600s teen boy version of Katharine Hepburn.
  • Special Effect #1: There is purple smoke coming from the witches’ chimney. It looks like it was drawn on the frame with magic marker
  • I wonder if Bette Midler’s hairline is inspired by Queen Elizabeth I, assuming this is the 1600s. Then I realize that I am probably thinking about this way more than the art director of Hocus Pocus ever did.
  • Special Effect # 2: The glowing blue cauldron looks like dry ice over an LED bulb.
  • Elijah pours the cauldron on Kathy Najimy, Bette Midler, and Sarah Jessica Parker. It has turned green, but still looks like something out of a middle school’s production of Little Shop Of Horrors Junior.
  • The 90s Supporting Actress Sisters have killed (?) Emily, the boy’s sister, and are now young-ish and beautiful-ish.
  • The ladies do a spell, the boy becomes a cat, and I realize how much Sabrina The Teenage Witch has to owe to this fine film. It is possibly the same cat.
  • Sister Mary Patrick, The Rose, and Annie sing. It’s less good than you’d think.
  • The witches will be summoned by a virgin. For almost two decades (!), this movie has been inspiring 7-year-olds to ask awkward questions that their parents totally evade. Well, maybe that was just my parents.
  • The Modern Boy, Max, has the same 90s Hot Boy Hair as the 1600s Boy. He is wearing tie dye and has recently come from California. The early 90s were really into stereotyping Californian teens as peaced out, tye die wearing Haight Ashbury types. Dawn Schaffer, anyone?
  • Female lead – Alison – is sporting some serious Stevie Nicks style. She got off really easy for 1993 hair – narry a mall bang nor spiral perm in sight.
  • TV and movies have me believe that everyone else’s school had a thuggish bully and his dweeby toadie. Did everyone else’s school have those? Maybe mine did, and they just didn’t even know who I was. We meet Salem’s – Jay and Ernie, aka “Ice.”
  • We meet Dani, Max’s little sister, who I’m sure all of you remember is played by Thora Birch. Did you know that Thora’s parents are porn stars? That’s why she has a porn star name. My parents are Irish and named me Molly, Thora’s are porn stars and named her Thora. It’s all about heritage.
  • Max declares that he is dressed as “a rap singer.” He is wearing an LL Bean looking-shirt, some Eddie Bauer-looking jeans, sunglasses, and a Gap baseball hat. Max’s father advises him that his hat should be backwards. Never change, 1993.
  • The symbol on Max’s hat is backwards. Did Lifetime reverse the image for this movie? Or was a backwards G the style of the time?
  • Dani cries on a pile of hay. The hay pile has lit pumpkins on it. The people in this town are such dum-dums, they deserve to get haunted by three witches.
  • I’m not talking about the acting during Dani and Max’s heartwarming sibling chat, because if you can’t say anything nice…
  • Max and Dani are at Allison’s house. From the outside, it looks like my parents’ normal-sized house, but from the inside, it’s an enormous colonial mansion. They’re having a 18th century costume ball and Allison looks like a teen Felicity Merriman.
  • Allison has changed into a cozy, but boxy and unflattering oatmeal colored sweater. Here’s what I want to do. I want to get a screenshot of every outfit like this from the movie. Then, I want to start a tumblr. I’m going to call it You Weren’t There, You Wouldn’t Understand. Every time one of those teen girls posts “90s” fashion on her tumblr, I’m going to tag her so she can see how dopey most of this shit really was. And if she asks me why, I’ll tell her “you weren’t there, you wouldn’t understand.”

    Or actually. Teen girls on the internet are already talking about how to look like her. I just can’t understand anybody who wasn’t alive for Beanie Babies.

  • Inside the haunted house, Fake Salem jumps out and then the house does some special effects at us. Dani informs us that the house is going crazy because a virgin lit the candle. Busted, Max. Although, he’s about 15 years old and dressed like Marshall Darling from Clarissa Explains It All. I think Allison probably figured.
  • Sister Mary Pat calls Dani a “shiksa baby.” So the witches are … Jewish? Now’s as good a time as any to mention that everyone in this whole movie is white.
  • Bette Midler’s mouth in this looks just like Lady Gaga’s mouth in real life. It’s a tiny pursed bunny mouth.
  • OH MY GOODNESS YOU GUYS. “Lasers” are shooting out of Bette’s hands and it looks like it was drawn on in post-production in Gel Pen.

    Come on. You can juuuust barely tell which ones I drew on with my thumb using a free drawing app.

  • The witches will turn to dust in the morning if they don’t use some kind of potion that sucks the youth out of children. So basically, David The Gnome. By the way, in the event I ever end up circle-shaped, I’m just going to say screw it and dress like one of the gnome wives on David The Gnome.
  • Max: “We’re talking about three ancient hags vs. the 20th Century!” Hahaha remember the 20th century? Our phones were attached to walls. If you got lost, you had to find a map, read it, then re-fold it, or talk to a human. When you wanted to know what happened to a washed-up celebrity, you had to write a letter to this column that appeared in the U.S.A. Today Weekend section. I’m going Team Three Ancient Hags. If we were to ever add a third to the blog, that’s what we’d change the name to.
  • The kids are now in the Salem Crypt, which attaches to the sewer. So in Salem, when you die you are more or less flushed down the toilet like a goldfish (people who are reading this who know me IRL: I want to be cremated because I don’t think dead people get to own land, and also because I’ve seen just enough episodes of Bones to know that shit gets real dicey, real fast. What I really want is for them to find a way around the whole dying thing before I get to it, though.)
  • Sometime in this whole hullabaloo, Carrie Bradshaw has straightened her hair.
  • The witches get scared of a bus, and I have to admit it: the whole trope when people from the past get scared of mundane modern stuff never gets old for me. Like, I am the one person who liked The Village. Should I be watching Sleepy Hollow? (I’m totally going to watch the 2 eps of Sleepy Hollow today)
  • Dani calls Max a virgin in front of a cop. Yep, little sibs embarrassing their older siblings by accident is another lame trope I kind of adore. Max says “yeah, I’ll get it tattooed on my forehead, ok”, but he is wearing Male Mom Jeans, and that means he will never have to.
  • The witches meet a lady who is wearing hair curlers, possibly as part of a disheveled housewife costume, but more likely because she’s really a disheveled housewife. I’m sort of bummed that nobody sleeps in curlers in earnest anymore. Lost art and all that.
  • Dani tells her mom what’s going on, and as always, begins her spiel with “Max is a virgin.” Ha. Thora Birch’s parents are porn stars.
  • By the way, the mom is dressed as cone bra-era Madonna. Post that note to You Weren’t There, You Wouldn’t Understand.
  • Musical number! Finally! It includes a weird cheer-type thing in the middle and for a moment, I feel like I’m listenting to Hollaback Girl or Mickey.
  • I’m looking at Bette’s buck teeth and I have to get something off my chest. In second grade, there was a girl in my dance class. She had buck teeth and her name was Allison. In my head, I referred to her as Buckingham Alice.  I was seven. SEVEN. I wish live blogs had been invented then. I was such a charming little girl.
  • Max tells the cat “man, you can’t keep blaming yourself for that. It happened so long ago!” The cat’s talking about Emily’s demise, but Max’s advice sounds just like so many 20-something guys when they are drunk and get going talking about a lost love.
  • Dani makes another reference to Max’s virginity, following the comedy rule of ‘if your movie has one funny thing, you can keep repeating it as many times as you need to.’
  • The bully and his lackey are back, and I have no idea whether Ice’s outfit is a costume or 1993 dress. It’s sort of this orange thing that maybe is supposed to be a pumpkin, or maybe is part of that Kente cloth thing that was happening for a while. Do you want to chime in, girls who were born in 1998? Well, don’t. You weren’t there. You wouldn’t understand.*

*(Bam. Rule of threes.)

  • Max wakes up next to Allison. MAX WAKES UP NEXT TO ALLISON. But – ew – the witches’ creepy book is watching them. And Dani is in the room. And they’re both wearing a crazy amount of clothing (seriously, was it even possible to undress in an attractive way in 1993, with all those flannels and waffle weaves?). AND Max’s alarm clock looks like some kind of a rubix cube. So, all of that points to him still being a virgin. Or Allison being into some sick shit.
  • Fake Salem jumps onto the Witch Book while Max and Allison are reading it. Most realistic thing in the movie thus far. Cats are a bunch of book-blocking douchebags, when you really get down to it.
  • Bradshaw is singing, something about her Garden Of Magic, because this movie is just entendres on entendres. The song sounds almost identical to Once Upon A December from Anastasia.
  • Bette has Dani tied up, and Dani shouts “It doesn’t matter how young or old you are! You sold your soul!” Can I get a sound file of that on my phone? Earlier today I was Groupon-hunting for chemical peels or something to make me look less like I’m slowly decaying from the inside, and I think maybe if I played that clip whenever I pulled stuff like that it would make me stop.
  • This one zombie helps them. He hides Dani in a grave, and you know who I want to be, out of everyone in this whole tale? Dani’s therapist, 20 years in the future. He or she must be very rich.
  • That one zombie’s head falls off. He takes it pretty much in stride, which is amazing considering I lost a huge handful of hair in the shower this morning and I STILL feel kind of iffy about it. He hasn’t been getting much screen time because zombies weren’t as trendy back then.
  • Bette’s still all pissed because Dani called her ugly. Some people really do never move past junior high, huh? If I were a witch and someone called me ugly, I’d just be all “well, I’m a witch, I do what I want.” Or really, even if as a person someone called me ugly, I’d just be all “well, I’m a witch, I do what I want.”
  • Max is sort of 1/3 of the way to being see through, and he looks exactly like a kid who would be on the cover of a Fear Street book.
  • Dani calls her brother jerkface. Good, but not great. Anyone else do compound-insults with their siblings? My brother and I used to go back and forth: Stink festival, Crap factory, Dork-Con 2000. We were in high school at the time.
  • Fake Salem becomes a boy and heads off with Emily, but not before really creepily kissing Dani on the cheek.
  • The film closes on little Dani looking off into the sunset. It’s 1993, and in just 6 short years, we’ll all see her boobs in American Beauty. Everything is gross.

A note: if you like our fictional tumblr from this post, you’ll love our post this upcoming Friday! But there are plenty more 90s posts between now and then, so why don’t you just come back every day instead?