Things I’m Willing To Believe About 2016

WOW. That was bad. 2016 was a really incredibly awful year. And it’s not over, either. Here are some totally fake – yet plausible- facts we’re willing to believe about 2016, along with a reminder that we still have over a week left in this dumpster fire of a year so any one of these might come true. See ya later, 2016. You’ve been terrible. We are now willing to believe the following:

9 out of 10 times a person has been taken to a bleak, dismal future Christmas by a Christmas Eve Ghost, it has been to 2016.

A new Texas regulation provides that you must throw annual birthday parties for your aborted fetus until it would have been 18 years old, complete with tiny party hats.*

Taylor Swift attempted to bring the three children from This Is Us into her squad but Mandy Moore and Milo Ventimiglia shot that idea down real quick (TSwift then secretly tried to hit on Milo but to no avail).

Someone you know who really didn’t deserve to see Hamilton saw it before you.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau took part in a hottest politicians who are also boxers calendar (for charity). He’s Mr. October.

Most popular Spotify playlist of 2016: Songs For When You Realize Every Human Is Pure Trash But Ran Out Of Alcohol And It’s 11pm And Can’t Get Tequila Delivered

Cool Pope Francis announced an initiative to upgrade all Catholic churches to stadium seating by 2025. This move gained acclaim from short Catholics who just want to see the damn pageant. Vatican spokesperson Monsignor Vincent Deeney clarified, “we’re still weird about, you know, gay stuff and women stuff.”

Olympic figure skater and eternal meme Ashley Wagner helped Team North America win the gold medal at the inaugural 2016 KOSÉ Team Challenge Cup, but hit headlines with teammate Gracie Gold after they partied a little too hard after all-night partying in Spokane, Washington. They made a pit stop at a local Taco Bell, where they claimed they were harassed by a group of teenage girls who were eager to pick a fight with them in the parking lot. Ashley immediately took to Snapchat to tell her followers what happened, but many fans noted she looked very inebriated when ranting and threatening to press charges over the girls’ alleged actions. The story made its way to mainstream media, and she had to clarify to the press the next day that she made the entire story up and was so drunk she didn’t even remember posting to Snapchat. Or going to Taco Bell (where there was video surveillance of her and Gracie doing their routine in the parking lot and talking to a wall). Ashley later competed in Worst Cook In America: Celebrity Edition.*

When asked how to explain rising sea levels and melting polar ice caps if not by global climate change, oil chaplain Pastor Eddie Vaughn replied “easy, y’all are making God cry.”

Little known fact: the person who started the creepy clown trend is the grandson on Bozo the Clown.

Banking on the success of Fuller House, Amazon Prime has ordered a full season of Family Matterings. It features an adult Laura, her husband Keith Mattering, and their children dealing with the nerdy kid next door whose dad is – you guessed it – Stefan Urquell (who never managed to change back to Steve Urkel). Test audience reactions included feedback like “not technically good,” “I can’t stop watching even though I want to,” and “needs more winking into the camera.”

Nationwide, iris recognition identification has been failing at alarming rates. Biometric engineer Freidrich Martens has determined that the algorithm doesn’t account for the “gleam of sadness,” “overall loss of hope” or “diminishing light” in many Americans’ eyes.

The mom from the Waltons died on Easter.* , *

With Thanksgiving occurring only weeks after the most contentious election in recent memory, hospitals faced a 90% spike in injuries from “aggressive wishbone pulls.” Dr. Jake Richmond of the Cleveland Clinic reflected, “it’s almost like these fights weren’t really about the wishbone at all.”

According to a recent poll, 87% of Trump voters believe that Hillary Clinton’s house has a dungeon where crisis actors live preparing to stage 5-10 mass shootings a year.*, *

The number of 2016 celebrity deaths is so high that Academy Awards and Grammy producers are considering putting the In Memorium in a separate broadcast so the show doesn’t run over.

Internet OTP Zalfie aka Zoe Sugg and Alfie Deyes aka Zoella and Pointless Blog optioned the rights to their YouTube channels to the Pop Network, and now they’re working on a pilot for a scripted series about two vloggers who fall in love. TBD on if they’re also starring in it.

One of your college friends who never cared a ton about Prince or David Bowie wrote a long, navel-gazing reflection on the death of Prince or David Bowie.

Dove Cameron accidentally revealed the identity of her new boyfriend on her Insta story after taking a selfie in the mirror, where she had a photobooth pic up of her kissing her new man.

A reboot of one of your favorite shows completely excised the soul of the show. It was a shell of its former self. (Does not apply to Gilmore Girls. At least we had that.)

A young journalist from Northern Virginia has earned upwards of a quarter-million dollars in YouLogy, a database where celebrities can access, vet and fact-check the pre-written obituaries major news outlets have on file for them. The company expects to go public by the end of 2017.

The Onion has completely given up on its entire M.O. after the high percentage rate of its fake headlines started becoming real. Now they’re more hard hitting than The New York Times.

“Julie Andrews alive please” and “Bill Murray not dead RIGHT” were both trending autocomplete searches.

After the election, someone told you one of the following statements:

  • The sun will still rise tomorrow.
  • We’ve been through worse than this.
  • I don’t understand why people are protesting.
  • We need to wait and see what happens before we get upset.
  • Everybody is overreacting.

… and he was a white, straight Christian man.

16% of Trump supporters only voted for him because they’re really big The Apprentice fans. *

Speaking of which, DT announced he’s recruited George Ross, one of his two boardroom advisors on The Apprentice, as the ambassador to Genovia.

A group of magicians in Walla Walla, Washington decided to do their respective tricks when filming the mannequin challenge, but it went awry when someone’s fire caught on to the extra-long handkerchief chain hanging from the sleeve of the illusionist next to him. He luckily only walked away with burnt pride, but it was all caught on camera.

The cast of the OG Scream movie celebrated its 20th anniversary by holding a “house party at Stu’s” for die hard fans of the film. There was even a photo booth where you could fake your death in a garage door.

Trump just found out he’s been in cahoots with a robot Vladimir Putin like on Westworld for all these years.

In August, the Prep School Pussy-Grabber made headlines when he went to trial for kidnapping housecats across his  Connecticut neighborhood; at least 36 cats have yet to be recovered, but it doesn’t look great for them. Judge Wallace Wenthill released the Ivy League-bound teen without punishment because “those cats should have stayed indoors” and also “he was an Ivy League-bound teen.”

The bad news is your company went to a mega-high deductible health insurance plan; the good news is you met it because you had a bunch of weird health stuff.

World Book Encyclopedia, which still exists, is locked in a heated debate regarding the featured image for its article on the year 2016. Top contenders are the Arthur fist meme, a dumpster fire, and a rat eating a cockroach as a predatory pigeon swoops down on the both of them.

White House photographers caught a picture of Donald Trump’s list of ideal cabinet picks when he visited President Obama. Items included “Ivanka in a wig, nobody will know” and “an immigrant who hates himself.”

 

Autumn Memes Make Me Feel Fine: The Jobama Bromance

It’s been a week since the World Turned Upside Down™, and if you’re still kind of in a funk, I’m guessing you need as much levity as possible. Thankfully, the Internet never lets us down. I mean it does sometimes, but in cases like this, it doesn’t.

We’re continuing our series of seasonal memes with a Last Term Obama special. Most of us have been living in a nightmare since last Tuesday night, and no one knows it better than Barack Obama himself – the man who has to turn the keys over to a guy who is putting the White back in White House, if you know what I mean. When Barry gave his first speech after the results came him, he stood in the rose garden with his Right Hand Man™ by his side. At one point, good ol’ Joe did the sign of the cross, because that’s what you do when T**mp becomes leader of the free world. Meme makers took note and realized there are a lot more cute moments between Barack and Joe, and decided to take it next level by making them into a meme, specifically aimed at Joe’s disdain towards the president elect.

Here are some of our favorites, and hopefully it can put a smile on your face for a little while! #JobamaForever

https://twitter.com/Thomas_A_Moore/status/797584838983303168?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

https://twitter.com/jonnysun/status/797198272079298568?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

 

https://twitter.com/deanfortythree/status/797124765299318784?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

https://twitter.com/roostermustache/status/796907610138148864?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

https://twitter.com/Sammart123/status/797542176309669888?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

https://twitter.com/fIawlesssivan/status/796898931347099648?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

https://twitter.com/jbillinson/status/797117307482963968?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

https://twitter.com/pieceofjay/status/797187300723752960?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

 

https://twitter.com/jbillinson/status/797638259245514752

BONUS:

http://capdorable.tumblr.com/post/153168890411

 

Playlist of the Month: Revolution Starts Monday

We are sad, afraid, and angry. We do not feel like this because the presidential candidate we supported lost. We feel like this because hate won. Very soon, though, we need to get to work. The president-elect’s campaign promises, actions (mocking a reporter with disabilities, using racist language about immigrant groups, intimidating a rape accuser who has live witnesses to his rape of her as a 13 year old child… please do not make us list it all), and now, 100-day plan show that our fellow Americans are in danger of losing their hard-won rights and basic safety. Already, hate crimes are occurring nationwide because hatred has been given a voice. We believe that love and goodness can win, but now we have to fight for it. We’ll take a little time to regroup this week, but the revolution’s imminent.

My Shot (Rise Up Remix) – The Roots feat. Busta Rhymes, Joell Ortiz & Nate Ruess

We could have made it through 2016 without Lin-Manuel Miranda, but it would have been much, much worse. We already loved the original My Shot for capturing both the revolutionary spirit of colonial America and of the present day. The new remix, released on the Hamilton Mixtape, takes it to 2016 and the present-day oppression of communities of color.

Fight Song (Democratic National Convention cover) – Rachel Platten

I never liked this song until this version premiered during the Democratic National Convention and reduced me to tears. It was a hopeful moment as we looked forward to the triumph of reason over reactionism, experience over showmanship, and for the love of all things holy, finally a woman in the position of Commander in Chief. It takes on a new meaning now, doesn’t it?

Alright by Kendrick Lamar

Alright became the unofficial anthem last summer when Black Lives Matter activists took the streets, and it was the perfect song – a track touching upon the unbearable pain and struggle while facing adversity in a seemingly hopeless situation. But the message was clear – we gon’ be alright.

Immigrants (We Get The Job Done) by K’naan, Snow Tha Product, Riz MC, Residente

Racism and immigration were at the center of the election over the past year, thanks to an outrageous comment said on the same day He announced his candidacy: that Mexicans are rapists who bring drugs into the country. Blah blah, wall, blah blah. Around the same time, Hamilton was a hit Off-Broadway and preparing to make its move to the Richard Rodgers where it continues to live. In Yorktown (The World Turned Upside Down), Alexander Hamilton and Marquis de Lafayette high five after saying the line, “Immigrants: we get the job done”. Word on the street (and IRL when we saw Hamilton) is that very single performance, this line gets an individual cheer. Because we all know it’s true and immigrants are the foundation of this country.

So what was brilliant for Lin-Manuel and co. for the Hamilton Mixtape was to take that line and turn it into its own track. Not only that, but features artists who themselves are immigrants or align with more than one country/nationality. K’naan, a Somali Canadian poet and rapper, kicks off the track by saying “I got 1 job, 2 jobs, 3 when I need them/I got 5 roommates in this one studio but I never really see them”, letting y’all know they weren’t going to sugarcoat the truth in the song. Interspersed with lyrics from Yorktown, Snow Tha Product, a female Mexican American rapper, comes in adding, “there ain’t a paper trail when you living in the shadows/We’re Americas ghost writers the credit is only borrowed.” That’s followed by Riz MC aka Riz Ahmed, a British Pakastani (who you might know from The Night Of), who spits, “Who these fugees what did they do for me but contribute new dreams”.

The last verse belongs to Puerto Rican rapper Residente, who’s 1/2 of of Calle 13 and whole halves (?) of Lin-Manuel – they’re cousins. He’s known for not holding back when it comes to his political beliefs in his music, and this is no different. In fact, his entire verse is in Spanish, as if they’re letting us know that the we’re entering an era that isn’t just dominated by one culture or race anymore – it’s diverse AF. Speaking to the Latinos in particular, he says, “We are like plants that grow without water/Without an American Passport/Because half of gringolandia is really Mexican terrain.”

Cold War by Janelle Monae

There is work for everybody now – for teachers and lawyers and journalists and parents and many others – and artists are a big part of the change we’ll need. Janelle has always beautifully put words and music to the struggles that millions of Americans are facing. We’re going to need her for these next four years. This is a cold war, you better know what you’re fighting for.

Formation by Beyonce

https://vimeo.com/154716688

Beyonce’s Lemonade era kicked off with the release of Formation, an unapologetic black power and female anthem that had even people from middle America singing “I like my baby hair with baby hair and afros/I like my negro nose with Jackson Five nostrils”. But her message is also one of believing that she (and her fans) can do anything they set their mind to, even if there are people trying to take her down or suppress her voice.  “I dream it, I work hard, I grind ’til I own it/I twirl on them haters”

Soy Yo – Bomba Estereo

This went semi-viral earlier this year because of the adorable little girl in the video, but the message to keep singing, dancing and being yourself even if others don’t like it is one we need right now. Other thing we need right now: Spanish, lots of it, everywhere, because now we have a president-elect who says things like “bad hombres” (AND pronounces it “hambres.” So maybe he just hates angry dudes? But nah.)

Yorktown (The World Turned Upside Down) by the cast of Hamilton

https://youtu.be/NpsuEcKW8ZE

The phrase “the world turned upside down” kept popping up in my head when it became clear what the election results were, because it felt like everything I thought I knew was wrong and everything I feared would come true did, like we were in an alternate universe. I was obviously in the Denial step of the five stages of grieving. But this song – in the historical context – it tells the events that happened during the Battle of Yorktown, the last major battle of the Revolutionary War. A. Ham went (A.) Ham on the British, forcing them to surrender. But the number itself includes a multitude of inspirational lines that are ever more relevant today (and some I already mentioned before). We have Hamilton: “so the American experiment begins” and all his “My Shot” reprisals, in the anger and focus in spy on the inside Hercules Mulligan: “See, that’s what happens when you up against the ruffians/We in the shit now, somebody gotta shovel it!/Hercules Mulligan, I need no introduction/When you knock me down I get the fuck back up again!”, and in this exchange we must remember to this day:

Laurens: Black and white soldiers wonder alike if this really means freedom

Washington: Not. Yet

The Day Women Took Over by Common

A lot of us had hoped we were voting for the first female president on Tuesday, but just because she didn’t land the title of president-elect, it doesn’t mean she’s the last one to run for the high office. In Common’s track, off his new album Black America Again, he pictures a world where peace and unity truly exist on the sole fact that women are in charge. And I hope this hypothetical world isn’t as far off as it seems.

Drop The Mic: Obama’s Best Nerd Prom Jokes

Over the weekend, President Obama gave his very last White House Correspondents’ Dinner speech, and he ended it with the best way possible.

Republican or Democrat, I think most of us can agree that he is one of the only presidents with enviable comedic timing. With each of his WHCD speeches, he proved that he can tell a joke and tell it well, and often better than the chosen comedian to speak after him. I looked forward to his Nerd Prom roasts every year, but since we won’t be blessed with his comedy (at least in the White House setting) anymore, at least we have eight speeches to look back on if we ever need a good laugh in the future. Here are some of his best jokes from President Obama’s WHCD speeches over the years.

2016

“While in England, I did have lunch with the Queen, took in a performance of Shakespeare, hit the links with David Cameron. Just in case anybody is still debating whether I’m black enough, I think that settles the debate.”

To Bernie Sanders in the audience: “I’m disappointed you’re distancing yourself from me. That’s just not something you do to your comrade.”

“Last week, Prince George showed up to a meeting in his bathrobe. That was a slap in the face. A clear breach of protocol.”

“I don’t want to spend too much time on the Donald. Following your lead, I want to show some restraint. Because from the start, I think he’s received the right amount of coverage, fitting the seriousness of his campaign. I hope you’re all proud of yourselves. The guy wanted to give his hotel business a boost, and now we’re praying that Cleveland makes it through July.”

2015

On Jeb Bush mistakenly marking “Hispanic” on a form: “Look, it’s an honest mistake – reminds me of when I identified myself as American back in 1961.”

“Rick Santorum announced that he would not attend a gay or lesbian wedding of one of his friends or loved ones, to which gay people responded, ‘That’s not going to be a problem.'”

“And Donald Trump is here. Still.”

“Hillary  kicked things off by going completely unrecognized at a Chipotle. Not to be outdone, Martin O’Malley went completely unrecognized at a Martin O’Malley campaign event.”

“Those Joe Biden shoulder massages, they’re like magic. You should try one. Oh, you have?”

Everything about Keegan-Michael Key as Obama’s “Anger Translator”. Barack will not break. It is amazing.

2014

Everything about the cold open with Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Selina Meyer with Joe Biden

“In 2008 my slogan was, ‘Yes we can,’ in 2013, my slogan was Control, Alt, Delete.”

“Let’s face it, Fox, you’ll miss me when I’m gone. It’ll be harder to convince the American people that Hillary was born in Kenya.”

“How well does ObamaCare have to work before people don’t want to repeal it. What if everyone’s cholesterol drops to 120? What if your yearly check up came with tickets to a Clippers game? Not the old Don Sterling Clippers, the new Oprah Clippers! Would that be good enough? What if it gave Mitch McConnell a pulse?”

“I did notice, Sasha needed a speaker at Career Day. She invited Bill Clinton. I was a little hurt by that.”

“Republicans continue to refuse to extend unemployment insurance. You know what, I am beginning to think that they’ve got a point. If you want to get paid while not working, you should have to run for Congress just like everybody else.”

“These days, the House Republicans give John Boehner a harder time than me, which means that orange really is the new black.”

2013

After DJ Khaled’s All I Do is Win plays as Obama walks to the podium. “How do you like my new entrance music? Rush Limbaugh warned you about this – second term, baby… My advisers were a little worried about the new rap entrance music. They are a little more traditional. They suggested that I should start with jokes at my own expense. Just take myself down a peg. I was like, guys after four and a half years how many pegs are there left?”

“Now, look, I get it. These days, I look in the mirror and I have to admit, I’m not the strapping young Muslim socialist that I used to be. Time passes. You get a little gray.”

“I know republicans are still sorting out what happened in 2012. One thing they all agree on is that they need to do a better job reach out to minorities. Call me self centered, but I can think of one minority they can start with. *raises hand* Think of me as a trial run. See how it goes.

“Some folks still don’t think I spend enough time with Congress. ‘Why don’t you get a drink with Mitch McConnell?’ they ask. Really? Why don’t you get a drink with Mitch McConnell?”

“I remember when BuzzFeed was just something I did in college around 2 a.m.”

That time Beyonce & Jay went to Cuba pre Obama easing Cuban/U.S. relations: “Maybe I have lost a step, but some things are beyond my control. For example this whole controversy about Jay Z going to Cuba. It’s unbelievable. I’ve got 99 problems and now Jay Z is one of them.”

“One senator who has reached across the aisle recently is Marco Rubio. But I don’t know about 2016 – I mean the guy hasn’t even finished a single term in the senate and he thinks he’s ready to be president.”

2012

“I want to especially thank all the members who took a break from their exhausting schedule of not passing any laws to be here tonight.”

“(WHCD host) Jimmy (Kimmel) got his start years ago on ‘The Man Show.’ In Washington, that’s what we call a congressional hearing on contraception.”

“In my first term, we passed health care reform. In my second term, I guess I’ll pass it again.”… In my first term, I sang Al Green; in my second term, I’m going with Young Jeezy. I sing that to her (Michelle) sometimes.”

“Four years ago I was locked in a primary battle with Hillary Clinton. Now she won’t stop drunk-texting me from Cartagena.”

2011

“What a week. As some of you heard the state of Hawaii released my official long-form birth certificate. Hopefully, this puts all doubts to rest. But just in case they’re any lingering questions, tonight I’m prepared to go a step further. Tonight, for the first time, I am releasing my official birth video. *see birth video here* I want to make clear to the Fox News table that was a joke. That was not my real birth video. That was a children’s cartoon. Call Disney if you don’t believe me, they have the original long-form version.”

Obama drags Trump STILL: “Now, I know that he’s taken some flak lately but no one is prouder to put this birth certificate matter to rest than The Donald. And that’s because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter, like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac? All kidding aside, we all know about your credentials, and your breadth of experience. For example, on a recent episode of Celebrity Apprentice, at the steakhouse, the men’s cooking team did not impress the men from Omaha Steaks. There was lots of blame to go around, but you, Mr. Trump, recognized that the real problem was a lack of leadership. Ultimately, you didn’t blame Lil Jon or Meatloaf, you fired Gary Busey. These are the kinds of decisions that keep me up at night. Well handled, sir! Well handled.”

The President’s Speech trailer (Michelle: Hey, look Sam, there’s a carrot!)

Bonus joke from host Seth Meyers (the best one, TBH): “Trump has said he’s got a great relationship with ‘the blacks.’ Unless the Blacks are a family of white people, I bet he’s mistaken.”

ANOTHER BONUS: This was also the year (night) Barry had secretly ordered Osama Bin Laden to be killed, read more about it here

2010

Remember Jay Leno? “The only person whose ratings fell more than mine last year is here tonight. It is Jay.”

“You might have heard we passed a health care bill and some Republicans have suggested that the bill contains a few secret provisions. That’s ridiculous. There aren’t a few secret provisions in the health care plan - there are, like, hundreds.”

“I wasn’t sure that I should actually come tonight. Biden talked me into it. He leaned over and he said, ‘Mr. President this is no ordinary dinner. This is a big fucking meal.” JIC you forgot what that was in reference to.

2009

“I had an entire speech prepared for this wonderful occasion. Now that we’re here I want to try something different. I’m gonna speak from the heart. I’m gonna speak off the cuff. *telepromopter stands rise* Good evening. Pause for laughter.” (lit’rally his first ever lines from the WHCD)

“Mother’s Day is a tough holiday for Rahm Emmanuel, because he’s not used to saying the word “Day” after “Mother”… That’s true.”

“All our jokes tonight are brought to you by Goldman Sachs. They make money whether you laugh or not.”

“All this change hasn’t been easy. Change never is. So I’ve cut the tension by bringing a new friend to the White House. He’s warm, he’s cuddly, loyal, enthusiastic. You just have to keep him on a tight leash. Every once in a while he goes charging off in the wrong direction and gets himself into trouble. But enough about Joe Biden.”

“In the next hundred days, our bipartisan outreach will be so successful that even John Boehner will consider becoming a Democrat. After all, we have a lot in common. He is a person of color. Although not a color that appears in the natural world. What’s up, John?”

Frank Underwood v. Donald Trump: A War of Words

Like many others, I spent my weekend watching the new season of House of Cards. However, I’m trying to take my time with it and I’m only three episodes into the new season (**no spoilers please!!**). However, after watching the third episode, bells started ringing in my head and I looked into the non-existant camera to break the fourth wall and share my inner monologue.

In the third ep, President Frank Underwood is in the middle of his re-election campaign, and on the day of the primary in his home state of South Carolina, the billboard which usually welcomes visitors into his hometown was taken over by a giant photo showing his father posing with a member of the KKK. And this all happened the day after he gave a rousing speech at a predominantly black church.

Underwood comes forward with the truth – or a version of the truth. He admits the photo is indeed real, but the story he tells explaining it (his dad was basically forced to take the pic to secure a loan to save the family farm) may or may not be the truth.

And of course my mind wandered to politics IRL, where we’re in the middle of our own presidential primaries and it turns out that people are voting for Donald Trump. It feels like we’re in a fictionalized version of America, but instead, we’re living in a real, non-fictional world where the frontrunner for the Republican party in the upcoming presidential election might possibly have ties with the KKK. You’ve probably heard by now, but in a nutshell, David Duke, former leader of the KKK, warned Americans that “voting against Donald Trump at this point is really treason to your heritage.” During an interview with CNN, Trump was asked whether he would condemn Duke and all white supremacists who plan on voting for him, to which Trump sideswiped the question and insisted he “doesn’t know anything about David Duke.” Apparently he forgot about all the time he did know something about David Duke. Since then, Trump has covered his tracks by insisting he “disavows” Duke, but hasn’t really elaborated on it.

The other interesting tie-in to HoC is that Trump’s father, Fred Trump (you know, the one who loaned The Donald a “small, $1 million loan“), also has a history with the KKK. In 1927, he was arrested after a klan riot in Queens, where 1,000 Klansmen & sympathizers of the Italian fascist movement marched through the borough, eventually sparking a fight with anti-fascists in the neighborhood. Two men were killed and seven were arrested, one of those seven men was Fred Trump. It’s not clear what Fred was doing there, what side he was on (if any) or if he was just an innocent bystander. One report suggests Fred was arrested “on a charge of refusing to disperse from a parade when ordered to do so.” So was Donald’s father a KKK sympathizer, and/or Italian fascist sympathizer? We don’t know for sure. Here’s a couple of things we do know: A) Fred and his Trump organization were hit with a civil rights suit by the U.S. Justice Department’s Civil Rights Division in 1973, accusing Fred and his org of refusing to rent to black people. B) Donald recently retweeted a Mussolini on Twitter – after Gawker secretly set him up.

In an interview with Meet the Press, Donald admitted he wasn’t aware the quote he retweeted was by Mussolini, and frankly didn’t care that it was said by the world’s most popular fascist (despite critics pointing out that Donald’s politics and oratory are v. similar).

“It’s a very good quote. I didn’t know who said it, but what difference does it make if it was Mussolini or somebody else – it’s a very good quote.” When asked if he wanted to be associated with Mussolini, he said, “No. I want to be associated with interesting quotes. Hey, it got your attention, didn’t it?”

So let’s try this out. I’ve got compiled a bunch of “interesting quotes” and let’s see whether you can tell the difference between a fictional, depraved politician who lit’rally killed both humans and an animal on his way to become president or if the quote is attributed to the real businessman-turned-politician who is entertaining his way to the top (highlight the text between the two arrows for the answer. If you’re on mobile, highlight the text and press ‘speak’ for a real good time).

“Democracy is so overrated.”

Frank Underwood

“Part of being a winner is knowing when to walk away.”

⇒    Donald Trump    

“Good people don’t go into government.”

⇒    Donald Trump     

“I’ll tell you this though. When they bury me, it won’t be in my backyard. And when they pay their respects, they’ll have to wait in line.”

Frank Underwood 

 

“I play to people’s fantasies… That’s why a little hyperbole never hurts.”

⇒  Donald Trump   

“It’s always good to do things nice and complicated so that nobody can figure it out.”

⇒  Donald Trump   

“I will not be a placeholder president. I will win and I will leave a legacy.”

Frank Underwood 

“I’d push him down the stairs and light his broken body on fire just to watch it burn if it wouldn’t start a world war.”

Frank Underwood 

“The point is, you can never be too greedy.”

⇒  Donald Trump   

“My motto is: Always get even. When somebody screws you, screw them back in spades.”

⇒  Donald Trump   

“Nobody’s a boy scout. Not even boy scouts.”

Frank Underwood 

“The more economic difficulties increase, the more immigrations will be seen as a burden.”

⇒  Trick question this was said by Hitler  

 

Hamilton Explained: Appointing A Supreme Court Justice

In this Very Special Edition of Hamilton Explained, we aren’t explaining lyrics from Hamilton. Instead, we are using Lin-Manuel Miranda’s lyrics to explain a hot topic of the day: the whys and hows of appointing a Supreme Court Justice when one dies, retires, or resigns.  Hamilton lyrics are in red and underlined.

  1. A Supreme Court justice is appointed for life. Sort of.

Supreme Court justices are Article III judges – federal judges whose powers and responsibilities are governed by Article III of the U.S. Constitution. The Constitution provides, in relevant part, “[t]he judges, both of the supreme and inferior courts, shall hold their offices during good behaviour.” (U.S. Const., art. III, § 1).

Most justices appointed by Washington died or retired within several years.

John Marshall, a historical figure who deserves a rap musical of his own, was appointed by John Adams (“President John Adams” – Good luck). So was Bushrod Washington, among others. Both served for over 30 years. A precedent was set: Justices were able to serve until death. (For your love, for your praise
And I’ll love you till my dying days).

But to be honest, a life term was a bit shorter in the early 1800s. Sure, historical lifespan ranges are skewed by high infant mortality (Every other founding father gets to grow old), but the fact is that starting in the 20th century, justices lived considerably longer. John Adams (sit down John, you fat mother – [BLEEP!]) may not have predicted that. (See, I never thought I’d live past twenty; Where I come from some get half as many.)

 

Well … I should say that  Justices serve for life – if they want – as long as they exemplify “good behaviour” (You keep out of trouble and you double your choices). IRL, only one justice has ever been impeached.

2. There are reasons for the justices to sit on the bench until death, retirement, or resignation.

First of all, this alleviates partisan pressures – Justices don’t have to appease the party that nominated them (don’t let them know what you’re against or what you’re for) or make their decisions based on what will get them elected to, say, a senate seat in the future (if you stand for nothing, Burr, what will you fall for?).

Alexander joins forces with James Madison and John Jay to write a series of essays defending the new United States Constitution, entitled The Federalist Papers. The plan was to write a total of twenty-five essays, the work divided evenly among the three men. In the end, they wrote eighty-five essays, in the span of six months. John Jay got sick after writing five. James Madison wrote twenty-nine. Hamilton wrote the other fifty-one!

… in one essay, Hamilton wrote: “nothing can contribute so much to its firmness and independence as permanency in office”.

When a Supreme Court Justice can make his or her decisions based on their clearest interpretation of the Constitution and judicial precedent, they are (we hope) making decisions that will benefit American law for centuries to come, instead of their own career (What is a legacy? It’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see.)

3. Eventually, some people retire…

If I say goodbye, the nation learns to move on
It outlives me when I’m gone

While Washington set the precedent for the two-term limit, we tend to think of Marshall as the originator of the life term for Supreme Court justices, even though that’s not strictly true.

and others die.
You have no control: Who lives, who dies, who tells your story … or which Justice dies during your Presidential term, it goes without saying.

4. Let’s take it back to 6th grade: there are three branches of government operating under a system of checks and balances.

I’ve been reading Common Sense by Thomas Paine … which argued against the system of checks and balances. And another thing, Mr. Age of Enlightenment, the drafters of the Constitution (I was chosen for the Constitutional Convention!) had to revisit the philosophies (like Paine’s) that lead them to break from England in order to create a new system of government  (If we lay a strong enough foundation, We’ll pass it on to you, we’ll give the world to you).

The result: a legislative, executive and judicial branch organized under the Constitution and its ever-expanding list of amendments (The constitution’s a mess -So it needs amendments). It’s full of contradictions, So is independence.

Basically all of American government is organized under the mantra of “check yourself before you wreck yourself.” And, the judiciary doesn’t need to tailor its decisions to the whims of the current legislature (My power of speech: unimpeachable).

5. When a vacancy is created by death, resignation, retirement, or impeachment (sorry, Samuel Chase), the President nominates a new Supreme Court Justice.

Despite those tweets you saw from your one Tea Party Uncle, this isn’t at all up for debate and is actually an enumerated power in the Constitution. Your Tea Party Uncle probably claims to be a strict constructionist, so he should love this. “He shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint … Judges of the supreme Court…” (U.S. Const., Art. II).

There’s never been a case where the President has left nomination up to the Senate, nor could he, because again, the President nominating the Supreme Court is legit written in the Constitution (I’d rather be divisive than indecisive).

Other than the President choosing the nominee, there aren’t really any other enumerated requirements. Unlike the President, the Supreme Court justice does not need to have been born on American soil – A place where even orphan immigrants can leave their fingerprints and rise up. Typically a nominee will be trained as a lawyer, and often is a sitting District Court judge.

Another thing:  you get love for it. You get hate for it, You get nothing if you… Wait for it, wait for it, wait! Which is to say, the President has ALWAYS said “I am not throwing away my shot” and appointed a new Justice – because we NEED the Judicial branch in America, and I’m not just saying that because it’s my own pet branch of government, but also because the Constitution says that it’s his job.

 

6. The Legislative branch is responsible for vetting and confirming this Justice.

When it’s time for the Senate Judiciary Committee to hold confirmation hearings, they are typically subject to lobbying from special interest groups and their electors. You cannot discount how influential lobbyists can be: at worst, holding funding over a senator’s head, but at best, educating them on possible implications of their decisions on segments of the U.S. population (No one really knows how the Parties get to yess The pieces that are sacrificed in Ev’ry game of ches We just assume that it happens But no one else is in The room where it happens.)

During the hearings, the nominee is questioned by the Committee (Ask him a question: it glances off, he obfuscates, he dances). They cover the nominee’s basic history (What’s your name, man?) and judicial philosophy (He started retreatin’ and readin’ every treatise on the shelf), but nominees may refuse to answer questions.

The Committee then votes on whether the nominee’s appointment should go to a Senate vote with a positive, negative, or neutral vote. Most disputes die, and no one shoots and also most nominees do go to a vote on the Senate floor.

If they don’t reach a peace, that’s alright. The Senate has only formally rejected 12 nominees after a full confirmation hearing; the last time that happened was in 1987.

But if the Senate DOES fail to confirm, they still don’t get to nominate a candidate because that is the president’s job. (But they don’t have a plan, they just hate mine!)

7. In the meantime, what happens to cases decided by the dead Supreme Court Justice?

While the Senate is twiddling its thumbs and playing pick-up sticks, a slate of pending Supreme Court cases hangs in the balance. So if they’re tempted to drag out the process for political reasons… um… Are these the men with which I am to defend America?

The late Justice does not get a say in future votes, even if he indicated how he was going to vote (Uh… do whatever you want, I’m super dead.) With the number of Supreme Court Justices at an inconvenient eight, any cases with a 4-4 split are bound to the lower courts’ decision. The Court is permitted to continue hearing cases, but most appellees don’t want their cases heard by an even-numbered court – although you can always do what I do: play Fantasy SCOTUS with upcoming cases and predict where the votes will fall. Some cases seem almost guaranteed for an even split; others may be unaffected. The Court may vote to hold over cases that are likely to split 4-4, which is obviously a massive delay in cases that have usually been working their way up the chain for years by the time cert is granted.

8. The Justice is confirmed; America continues.

Supreme Court Justices pledge their careers – literally until death – to upholding the U.S. Constitution and the rule of law as they see it. Death doesn’t discriminate, Between the sinners And the saints It takes and it takes and it takes.
And we keep living anyway – the cases approved for this term must be decided. There is no stop-point with justice. Our founding fathers knew it, and we know it – there is no decision that the Court makes on ANY issue that will be its last one. Jurisprudence evolves as our nation does. Carrying on short an Associate Justice is simply not an option. 

However, there is a long list of qualified nominees, a President with the express power to appoint one, and a Senate full of politicians who we have elected because they have vowed to approve qualified nominees – and at that time, another Justice will don the robe and continue the work.

America, you great unfinished symphony, you sent for me

We Need To Talk Trudeau

This week, our neighbours to the north welcomed a new era of government, when Justin Trudeau, the leader of the Liberal Party was sworn in as prime minister of Canada. And although his election marked the end of nearly a decade of conservatives ruling the country, it also marked a huge generational shift, as JT, at 43 years old, is the second youngest prime minister in Canada’s history.

One of the major results of this is that for the first time ever, the cabinet is comprised of an equal number of men and women. With 15 men and 15 women, the ministers, mostly under the age of 50, represent a huge range of people, including two aboriginal members, three Sikh politicians, two atheists, a blind woman, a paralympic in a wheelchair… couldn’t make this up if I tried. This is great news for Canadians since there’s actually some semblance of what the population of the country looks like representing them in the government.

So when JT was asked why it was so important to him to have a cabinet that is gender balanced, it seemed like a no-brainer answer:

Basically every Canadian and the rest of the world once his answer/this GIF went viral:

My knowledge of JT’s existence only goes back to October when he was officially elected Prime Minister and I saw a pic of him legit clapped (outloud, to no one) to congratulate Canada as a whole. After his Drop The Mic moment on Wednesday’s swearing in ceremony, I needed to know more about him, and you do too. My fellow Americans (and rando other international friends), here is a primer to Prime Minister Trudeau.

Following in His Father’s Footsteps

JT was born when his father, Pierre Trudeau, was serving as the 15th Prime Minister of Canada as part of the Liberal Party. Considered one of the greatest PMs of the country, Pierre was praised not only for his policies and effective reform throughout his 15 years in office, but for his charm and good looks. When he first was elected in 1968, Pierre helped reinvigorate the Liberal Party and Canadian government in general thanks to his youthfulness and breath of fresh air quality he brought to politics, and the term “Trudeaumania” even became a thing.

JT started getting involved in politics in the 2000s shortly after his father died, and of course he drew comparisons to his father, sparking Trudeaumania 2.0. The younger Trudeau holds similar political views and a similar spirit – see Exhibit A: Pierre doing pirouettes behind the Queen’s back at Buckingham Palace during a G7 Summit:

Exhibit B: Justin Trudeau dancing with his wife, Sophie, after being elected the new leader of the Liberal Party. A GIF that was posted on TWITTER that he described as GETTING THEIR GROOVE ON.

Justin is also the first child of a PM to become the head of government in Canada. Think of him as the George W. as opposed to the Jeb!.

I Believe The Children Are Our Future

Growing up, Justin actually shied away from politics, and graduated with two degrees – one in literature and the other in education. He attended McGill University then the University of British Columbia, where he earned a degree in education. He became a teacher, educating Canada’s youth in French and math. I’m betting he was that teacher the girls secretly drew doodles about in their notebooks.

Beat This Acting, Reagan

It’s no Bedtime for Bonzo, but in 2007, JT starred in a two-part miniseries called The Great War, which detailed Canada’s participation in World War I. JT played Talbot Mercer Papineau, a Major who was killed during the Battle of Passchendaele in 1917. Also, he was a puppy lover.

Mama Said Knock You Out

In 2012, JT showed off his athletic skills (and I guess his upper body as well) in a charity boxing match. He had difficulty finding an opponent until Conservative Senator Patrick Brazeau – that dude on the right – stepped up to the challenge. JT won in the third round and it was considered a major upset. Guess intimidation didn’t work on Justin.

Just Like A Tattoo, I’ll Always Have You

Speaking of shirts off, JT is believed to be the only global leader in modern times to have a tattoo. And his is obviously not a small white ink infinity sign on his pinky finger. No, JT has a huge tatt on his upper left arm, featuring the Earth inside a raven from the Haida tribe, the indigenous ethnic group the Trudeau family are honorary members of.

QT First Family

JT is married to Canadian TV host Sophie Gregoire, and together they have three kids,  Xavier James, 8, Ella-Grace Margaret, 6,  and Hadrien, 1. Why is the entire Trudeau family in their backyard swimming pool, you ask? Who knows? Who Cares! They’re adorable!

Prime Minister Goals

*fist bump*

 

Word Art & Wallpaper: Exploring 1996 Campaign Websites

We’re about one year away from electing the next President of the United States – I know. It feels like it’s already been going on forever. With the debates and daily late night TV jokes and everything that is going on with Trump, it seems like we’ve been trying to narrow down the candidates from 100 to 2, but we’re still in the thick of it and have a long way to go.

If you’re still undecided about who to throw your support behind, following them on social media or looking up their interviews is a way to go, but tooling around the candidates’ websites is always a safe bet. For the most part, these sites are sleek and user friendly, easy when you want to look up issues important to the politicians.

Flashback to the mid-1990s, when America was deciding between a Clinton/Gore ticket and Dole/Kemp presidency in 1996. The Internet was barely a thing then, so subsequently, so were websites. Legit this was the year before I got my first email address on AOL, so one could only imagine the level of high technology on these sites. Actually, you don’t have to imagine. These sites are still active, and I’m bringing you the best of each Dem and Republican website from 20 years ago. Hop in my time machine *time machine noises* and hit play on your Spice Girls CD because we goin’ way way back.

The Homepage

Clinton/Gore

Photo Oct 31, 2 17 40 PM

You guys need to go to these websites (click on the image above and below for respective sites) because I can’t accurately show the animated images of the flashing modem on Willy C’s homepage. He has a lot of information available on his site, so the flashing modem is just the beginning. Thanks, Al Gore.

Dole/KempPhoto Oct 31, 2 17 29 PM

Seriously, the prehistoric GIFs on here are outstanding. The Dole/Kemp website doesn’t have much information available, and that’s partly because we’re on the site 20 years after they lost the election, but partly because they just didn’t have as much on the site as their opponents. I also appreciate that they put “http:// http://www.dolekemp96. org” on the homepage, just in case you forgot what site you were on.

About The Candidates

Clinton/Gore

Photo Oct 31, 2 17 49 PM

REMEMBER WORD ART??? THEY ACTUALLY UTILIZED IT FOR A PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN WEBSITE.

Dole/Kemp

Photo Oct 31, 2 17 57 PM

You can’t even click on Jack Kemp’s page, so if you wanted to know more about him, S.O.L. Or like, go to Wikipedia or something.

The Issues

Clinton/Gore

Photo Oct 31, 2 18 29 PM

The 3D shadow was up another 40% on the immigration page, which obviously indicates he means business. The list of Clinton/Gore’s issues are easy to navigate and not too comprehensive, yet to the point.

Dole/Kemp

Photo Oct 31, 2 18 20 PM

Meanwhile, Bob Dole’s issue pages state his own vision, but then the reason why Bill Clinton is wrong.

Commercials

Clinton/Gore

Photo Oct 31, 2 18 44 PM

One of my favorite things about these sites, especially the Clinton/Gore camp, have specific instructions for early Internet users to use the multimedia on the site. Stuff like explaining how to save campaign posters or view videos. *right click save*

Dole/Kemp

Photo Oct 31, 2 18 36 PM

These commercials were not available to download anymore, but these summaries are sufficient enough. “Bob Dole is a plain-spoken man” (someone we want as Pres…?) . Also he talks about how his grandmother cleaned his mouth out with a bar of soap, so…

Wallpaper

Clinton/Gore

Photo Oct 31, 2 18 57 PM

Y’all, why don’t we use wallpaper anymore??? The idea of going to your favorite celeb or artist’s site and downloading one of the pre-made images is an art we don’t use in 2015! Let’s bring back wallpaper!

Dole/Kemp

Photo Oct 31, 2 18 50 PM

Guys, what’s a .pict??

Site Highlight

Clinton/Gore
Photo Oct 31, 2 29 42 PM

I’m gonna need everyone to read this entire email and enjoy the photo of Bill at his latptop in full.

Dole/Kemp
Photo Oct 31, 2 19 08 PM

 

TBH, this cookie reciepe doesn’t sound any more exciting than the Keebler Pecan Sandies.

 

Things I’m Willing To Believe About Lincoln Chafee

Like most people watching the Democratic Debate this week, I went into it with no clue who Lincoln Chafee is. And also like most people watching the Democratic Debate this week, I left it with no clue who Lincoln Chafee is. I will have to do some more homework on Chafee if he’s still around by the New York primaries, but until then I’d rather replace research with wild speculation. As in, none of the below is true – just baseless speculation that popped into my head as I watched the debate. We usually reserve this format for heartthrobs like Ben Affleck, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Tom Brady, but hey, politicians are superstars, too. Kind of.

None of the following is the truth about Lincoln Chafee, but I am entirely willing to believe that:

  • Lincoln Chafee is the artist’s model for an animatronic pilgrim figure in Plimoth Colony.
  • Speaking of which, Lincoln Chafee’s ancestors came over on the Mayflower.
  • All of his ancestors.
  • In some parts, legend has it that Lincoln Chafee was roused from a 200-year slumber to find himself on the debate stage.
  • Lincoln Chafee sleeps in proper pajamas. Flannel in the winter, cotton in the summer, changed out in May and October irrespective of temperature.
  • Lincoln Chafee does not consider any animal under 40 pounds a “dog,” unless it’s a beagle.
  • Lincoln Chafee is the designated reader of The Night Before Christmas in his family. It’s amazing, but I swear he can make his eyes twinkle on cue.
  • Lincoln Chafee once visited a living history museum, took a liking to it, and moved in.
  • Nobody caught him for 3 months.
  • Lincoln Chafee is not Mormon, but does consider coffee a “strong drink.”
  • On a summer’s night, Lincoln Chafee sometimes sits on the porch, pulls out his banjo, and plays Turkey In The Straw to sooth his ruffled soul.
  • Lincoln Chafee can whittle.
  • He changed his name from Buchanan Chafee after years of schoolyard taunts that Buchanan was “not even a good president.”
  • He plays a solid game of jacks, and is known for his mastery of the elusive “eightsies.”
  • When Lincoln Chafee threw out his back, he proclaimed that “Father Time is catching up with me at last.” But he looked over his shoulder as he said it, as though he really did worry that Father Time was catching up with him at last.
  • When Lincoln Chafee has a picnic, his basket is lined with gingham.
  • When Lincoln Chafee gets ticked, he’s been known to tell people to “go fly a kite.”
  • He once got very riled and called an opponent a “scoundrel and a rapscallion,” and has felt sorry for it ever since.
  • Chafee’s wife ordered Anne Geddes checks, and she has explained it to him 1,000 times, but he still is confused by the “damn baby on it” every time.
  • Lincoln Chafee winds down with a glass of warm milk at night.
  • His pet peeve: productions that transpose Shakesepeare’s plays to other locations. A Midsummer Night’s Dream set after-hours at a theme park? Romeo and Juliet on the border of Israel and Palestine? No and thank you.
  • Lincoln Chafee has a grandson named Logan and a granddaughter named Skyler. He refers to them as Roy and Betty because those are “real names.”
  • Lincoln scored tickets to Hamilton,. After curtain call he was seen shaking his head in confusion and dismay. “Not how it was, not a’tall,” he was heard to say.
  • Lincoln Chafee gently chides his son-in-law for his “fantastical lawnmower.”
  • It is a gas lawn mower.
  • Will tell anyone who will listen about this “God-awful modern church” he went to one time.
  • It was Methodist.
  • Chafee’s hairdresser calls his haircut “the regular” to his face, but “the circus man” behind his back (after an iconic Little House On The Prairie guest star:

  • Parted his hair to the side once. Didn’t care for it.

Documentaries That Consumed My Life on Netflix Instant

Over the past few years, I spend the time off during the holidays catching up on TV series I have been meaning to watch, but hadn’t had time to before. For instance, I watched Call the Midwife one time, because it was only one season, or my greatest accomplishment in binge-watching: all seven seasons of The West Wing in one month. That’s an hour-long (42ish minute) program, y’all. This year, I decided to watch Anthony Bourdain’s Parts Unknown and couldn’t stop watching. To preface, I usually reserve my documentary watching for when I’m sick (idk why, tbh), but I was on this kick of following Tony to places I probably will never be able to go to otherwise, and are usually off the beaten path.

My addiction to Parts Unknown led to a spiral of watching the documentaries on my Instant list that had been waiting for me to press play for months or even years, and I finally got around to it. So, I’m here to share them with you. Whether you’re sick or need to pause from your Friends binge-ing, here are a few of my favorite documentaries I’ve watched over the past few years that you can watch on Netflix Instant right now.

Undefeated

Watch if you like: Friday Night Lights, football, underdog stories, Oscar-winning movies, crying

Elevator Pitch: A small, predominantly black, high school on the outskirts of Memphis has a football team with the worst record. A white coach who volunteers his time helps them to possible victory. But like FNL, it’s not really about football at all.

First Position

Watch if you like: Dance, ballet, seeing kids do things better than you

Elevator Pitch: The journey of six kids on their way to one of the biggest most important ballet competitions in the world. You’ll leave impressed with their dedication and inspired to do something with your life.

Ballerina

Watch if you like: Dance, ballet, First Position

Elevator Pitch: As opposed to aspiring young dancers, this one features four professional Russian dancers – and you’ll be glad you didn’t grow up in Russia.

Jiro Dreams of Sushi

Watch if you like: Sushi, Japan, food, elderly people

Elevator Pitch: If you love sushi, you’ll love this 85-year-old sushi master in Tokyo, who owns a world-renowned restaurant and the interesting relationship he has with his son and eventual heir.

Kings of Pastry

Watch if you like: France, Top Chef, pastries, cooking, stressful situations

Elevator Pitch: The French take the art of cooking seriously, and even hand out special medals/collars to distinguish the elite chefs from others – and the competition to win said prize involves years of dedication and endless amounts of patience.

Craigslist Joe

Watch if you like: Humanity

Elevator Pitch: A guy gives up pretty much all he has and travels around the country making money and sleeping in homes all found off Craigslist. The result is a surprisingly moving story proving that despite the fact we live in a diverse country with people who have vastly different views on life, it’s not hard to find the good in people.

Marina Abramovic: The Artist Is Present

Watch if you like: Art, performance art, any modern museum

Elevator Pitch: Marina Abamovic has been a top performance artist for decades, and this movie follows her acclaimed The Artist Is Present exhibit at New York’s MoMa, which is a retrospective on her career. It shows how she connects with new people through her piece in which she sits and stares at visitors, and also reconnects her with one of the biggest loves of her life.

Mitt

Watch if you like: Politics, Mormons

Elevator Pitch: It doesn’t matter that you know how it ends. It also doesn’t matter if you voted for Mitt Romney or not. What matters is that this movie gives you an inside look of the day to day life of a Presidential campaign over the course of six years – and how it can all come crumbling down in one night.

Anything North Korea

http://youtu.be/AlJUGZPanB8

Watch if you like: Asia, secret societies, investigative reporting, hidden cameras

Elevator Pitch: From Lisa Ling’s faux eye surgery documentary to Frontline‘s secret hidden cameras, these specials give you an inside look to one of the world’s most secretive and oppressive countries. Forget The Interview, these are the only North Korea movies you need to see.

Jesus Camp

Watch if you like: Fascination with Scientology, The Duggars

Elevator Pitch: These kids aren’t just regular kids – they’re kids who think they have prophetic powers and attend a Christian summer camp to learn how to become the next “Billy Graham” and “take back America for Christ”. Go into it knowing because of this movie – the camp closed.