Good evening and welcome to our liveblog of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. Or, as I like to call it, Nerd Superbowl. Speaking of the superbowl, this is the one time every year that many of us will be voluntarily tuning into ESPN, so everyone, give yourselves a few minutes to track down the channel. Keep refreshing the blog to catch our updates, and follow our live tweets on Twitter — @cookiessangria
Like homeschooled 5th graders and NPR fans everywhere, I’ve been waiting all year for this. Literally, this time — I read American Bee: The National Spelling Bee and The Culture Of Word Nerds right after last year’s bee, and was pretty bummed I’d have to wait 12 months to see it play out.
Remember the big bee news of 2012? The youngest speller ever, 6-year-old Lori Anne Madison competed. She got dinged out on “ingluvies.” Cute kid, but can’t spell ingluvies? What are you, a kindergartner?
I honestly have tattoos older than her.
Ugh, who am I kidding. Even though she has a name from 1973 (a good thing, as Lori is 10,000 times better than Madycynne or McKaeighlah), this kid wasn’t even born until I was a few years into college. Lori isn’t here this year, but I don’t think we’ve seen the last of her. I sincerely hope that she’s being seven right now and constructing a blanket fort or making a village out of tissue boxes.
This year, the hot story is that the competitors have to take a vocab test. FINALLY. If there’s one problem with spelling bee kids, it’s that they’re dumb and lazy and don’t know enough about words. Thank God we’re finally weeding out those bozos!
The Bee begins with a kind of confusing Matilda The Musical tie-in. I can only guess that we’re trying to reach out to all distinct nerd groups, from word to theater to eventually science. I can only guess they’ll bring in Doctor Who eventually.
Really embarrassed to remember some of these kids. Favs: Vanya, whose sister won a few years back and is ADORABLE, and Arvind, who has more charm than any child since Jonathan Lipnicki told us all how much the human head weighs.
Dr. Jacques Bailly is seriously just the Tim Gunn of the National Spelling Bee. What a dream.
Do kids with misspelled names get ashamed during the bee? Or are they drawn to it to correct their parents’ mistakes? I’m looking at you, Christal Schermeister.
Guys, if I’m mean about Christal Schermeister, it’s just because she’s clearly going to grow up to be far more intelligent and attractive than me.
First ding out! Bummer. I try not to get too attached to anyone during the early rounds. I’m sure many Panem citizens used the same tactic during the Hunger Games.
A little more spelling bee background: the kids arrived in D.C. last weekend, and I guess they just go hog-wild in a hotel this week. I mean, as wild as kids who spend all day studying the dictionary can go. It’s like rumspringa for a very particular kind of Amish person.
Vanya Shivashankar knows French very well. I mean, of course she does. Best kid ever. BTW, her sister Kavya is here and she’s so grown up! Off to Colombia already.
Amber Born: “Is the sentence funny?” Amber wants to be a comedy writer. Amber, girl after my own heart. Please come by and write for us sometimes! As long as you promise not to judge our spelling which is, admittedly, not always awesome. The announcers say she’s a dark horse. Move over, Arvind, I have a new favorite.
Sriram is from kind of near me! This matters to none of you. I’ll stop. He gets singerie, which is from French. Apparently when I was taking college French I told Traci that it was the language that they speak in hell. I don’t remember saying that, but it seems like something I would do. Such weird pronunciations! Full disclosure: French was my grandma’s first language, so I’m not just being a jerk. I’m being a jerk to my own beloved family members.
Arvind’s drama teacher sees him in a red smoking jacket. I’m sorry, is he a precocious 8th grader or Hugh Hefner? I’m confused.
Here is a fantastic spelling bee video (not from today). This kid is my new comedy hero. He was totally punking her:
Oh man, I remember Vismaya from last year. She did pretty well and had a distinct air of being probably too cool for this business. Damn, Vismaya. You’re smooth. Delivered “sciomancy” like it was nothing even though she was obviously not sure of it.
Grace is pictured diving into one of those pits of foam blocks, which was a childhood dream of mine thanks to all of the gymnastics centers that opened up after the ’96 Olympics. There are also a bunch of trampolines, which reminds me that Amanda Bynes was photographed at a trampoline center at my old city, Buffalo. First of all, I never knew there was a trampoline center there. Second, I am really curious as to what string of events lead her to a Western New York trampo-gym. Buffalo’s right at the border, so maybe that.
Bailly and co. tried to recreate those commercials where kids are sitting around being asked questions. I love those commercials, but I can’t say that they’re all that effective, because I can’t remember what they’re for. Was it phones?
Grace Remmer is chronicling her various awkward stages that appeared during the bee. Listen. Like most American kids, I can remember my spelling bee downfall painfully well. I was a major bookworm with the vocabulary of a nerdy adult, but I didn’t have an exceptional spelling prowess. See, if they’d had the vocabulary test then, I might have been okay. Anyway, I made it nearly to the end of my elementary school bee, only to be struck down by “counselor.” To be fair, I don’t think we got definitions, and I spelled it councillor, which is a homophone or close to it. Whatever. Anyway, Grace reminds me that it’s not like I’d really want my 11-year-old mug visible on the internet today, anyway. I had the Frizz No Butterfly Clips Can Tame.
Christal’s little sister looks majorly concerned. Somebody didn’t study “doryline.” Oh shit. Countdown clock. Bye, Christal. It’s been real. With the sorry spelling genes that your parents passed down, it’s a miracle you made it this far. I mean, Christal?
According to the spelling bee kids via Mackelmore, the ceiling is no longer able to hold them.
Vanya, stop asking questions, you know this. I was about to wonder whether she got teased with Uncle Vanya references at school, but probably not, right? Because she’s a child?
Amber Born reminds me of Traci and I when we first became friends, except actually accomplished at something other than recording The Rosie O’Donnell Show so we didn’t miss it during our afterschool activities.
I know envoutement totally LOOKS like a word, but when you pronounce it with a fancy French accent, it sure doesn’t SOUND like one. I reiterate: The Language They Speak In Hell. With all due apologies to my dear, late Grandma. But I think there’s a reason she always spoke English with us, you know?
[The reason is my demonstrated inability to speak French properly, probably]
This may be the first time I correctly identified a history-based root. Sansculottic, related to the sans-culottes? Yeah, I KILLED AP European. That’s right.
Vismaya is from Bountiful, Utah. Was that the town with all of the plural marriages? I read a book on the FLDS but don’t really remember. She’s clearly too cool to take part in that though:There are nine spellers left. NINE. Don’t they know that kids stodgy 20-somethings are watching with strict bedtimes to attend to? Come on, Bailly. Stop playing so nice.
Can we talk about redshirting? When I was in eighth grade, maybe half of the kids had turned 14 by the end of the school year. I’d think with all the homeschooling happening, most of these kids would be ahead of grade level for their age. There are a few too many 14-year-olds, is all I’m saying. I’m only regular-smart**, not spelling-bee smart, and teachers even asked my parents if they wanted to skip me ahead a grade. I’m sure some of these old kids are being kept at eighth grade status just to eke out another year of eligibility.
** A cold truth to all of you precocious kids out there: eventually, you’ll be average. I may have had a sixth grade reading level in kindergarten, but by law school, I just had a law school reading level. There’s a silver lining, though. That means parents can chill out about trying to teach their babies to read and their 2-year-olds to multiply. Eventually, they’ll probably be exactly as dumb as everyone else.
FYI: When there’s an accent mark, the kid doesn’t have to say it. The more you know.
Trivia: Vismaya’s mom used to be an actress in India. She got the word right, which is nice, I guess, but I am seriously getting sleepy here. Please start being less excellent, children.
Awww. Grace Remmer just got a standing ovation after she dinged out. She’s been here 4 years in a row. Such a likable kid! She’s temporarily taken over for Amber Brown as my favorite of the moment, because SOMEONE had to get eliminated so that this thing ends.
ESPN tells me that Nascar will be on in two days. Why do I guess there’s not too much overlap in these 2 audiences?
The winner gets $2,000 worth of reference works from Encyclopedia Brittanica. I’m sorry, do people still use encyclopedias? Other than my dad, who pulls down his 1976 Encyclopedia Americana because he doesn’t remember to use Google? In case you’re wondering, my parents are also the people who still use phone books as phone books.
This kids difficulty with the pronunciation of kaburi reminds me of this gem:
BOWERY. BALLERY? Bowery. BALLERY? I don’t know if this girl has a hearing impediment or a speech disorder, but either way, I’m going to hell. I’d blame this debacle on a regional accent, but the girl is from Philadelphia. I lived there. I’d understand the confusion if they asked her to say water (“water.” “WOODER?”) or eagles (“eagles.” “IGGLES?”), but bowery should be fine. Just kidding, love you guys, send me some Tastykakes, go Iggles.
The announcers just said one kid was the most consistent speller. But, if you’re still on the stage, isn’t it because you’ve gotten everything right? So all of these kids are equally consistent? Well, it’s not a logic bee.
So long, Vanya. Unlike most of these red-shirted 14-year-olds, she has two years of eligibility left. I’d really like to see her win one of these years!
Guys, Born gets laughs just for walking on stage. Girl’s going places. The last person I remember getting laughs for a mere entrance was Cosmo Kramer.
Goodbye, Vismaya! Fortunately, she will seldom come across the word paryphrodrome to haunt her again. It is so obscure that my spell check can’t even tell me how terribly I just butchered it.
Amber Born is out. Want to know a secret, Amber? Comedy writer is a cooler title than spelling bee champion, anyway.
They just announced that this can’t go on all night. I think I may have heard all of the angels of heaven singing hymns of joy and praise. 25 more words. I can stay awake for this. Maybe.
Sriram’s out. Don’t cry, little buddy. There is no way that ptyalagogue is even a real word.
AHH WE’RE DOWN TO ONE SPELLER! I’M NOT USING CAPS BECAUSE I’M HAPPY FOR THE WINNER I just really want to go to bed.
Oh my God, Arvind could win! This kid! He gets a German word last. German is his language-nemesis. I get this. Right, French?
Guys, I just want to do something so amazing ONE TIME that ticker tape confetti is thrown all over me. One time. Other than attending a ticker-tape parade. Love his look of utter shell-shock.
That’s all, kids! Thanks for reading and thanks even more for ignoring all of my spelling mistakes. I’m a bit of an armchair QB as far as spelling bees go.
And Amber, if you want to write a guest post, we’ll be here waiting.
Dancing with the Stars is one of the biggest reality TV shows on the air, and naturally I have to watch it and keep up with it and write any news pertaining the show. But I always forget that the one person who is pretty much the ideal demographic fort this show is my mother. Like suburban, older, women usually like this show. Naturally, she was excited about the season finale. I just happened to be with my parents on the night of this past week’s season 16 finale, and I could only get her reactions to the last hour of the two-hour finale, but they’re still entertaining none the less. It’s like she was betting money on it or something, that’s how into it and stressed she was over the show. I mean, I tend to get emotional about telveision, but it’s so uncharacteristic from her that I was more amused than annoyed. Here are some quality quotes from the Dancing with the Stars shit show. BTW – this was mostly said in Filipino, so this is all a rough translation of what she said…
During Pitbull’s performance: “(Judge) Len (Goodman) better be careful or he’ll break something!”
This man may be 69 years old, but he’s a ballroom champ and legit was helping finalist Jacoby Jones in practice the day before.
When cameras panned over to the audience: “Oh it’s Kristi! Kristi’s there!” (Yamaguchi, because she’s on a first name basis with her, apparently.)
When missing the part where the top four was narrowed down to three, and NFL pro Jacoby Jones was still in the competition: “JACKoby? JACKoby will probably win now!!” – It’s pronounced Jah-CO-bee.
And finding out Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman placed fourth, below Jacoby: “Aly probably cried… Jacoby’s good but not as good as the women. How disappointing.”
After Jacoby’s instant salsa: Jacoby’s mom is too much (she was holding up her own a ’10’ sign from the audience): “They’ll probably give him a 10. That is not right… That’s why he has a lot of fans- because of this touchdown dance.”
On Zendaya’s instant jive dance: “Ohhh her music is so good (It was the classic, Rockin’ Robin).”
On 16-year-old Zendaya’s footwear choices: “See, she can’t dance in heels. She should be dancing in heels. But she’s a kid… she’s not wearing heels.” (She actually wears heels 90% of the time on the show)
Zendaya’s video package talking about her final dance on the show: “It’s definitely going to suck” – Zendaya
“HA ‘SUCKS’! SHE’S A KID!” – My old mom
On appreciating figure skate alumni in the audience: “Oh Dorothy’s there too. Dorothy and Kristi are sitting next to each other!” (the DWTS mom version of fangirling)
“They need to improve the mirrorball trophy.”
On last season’s American Idol runner-up (and 1/2 Filipino), Jessica Sanchez, who performed: “Ay it’s Jessica!!! She has too much makeup on… she has on too much makeup.”
Still not over Jacoby making it over Aly: “It will be so disappointing if Jacoby wins… See he has the lowest cheers.” (from the audience)
After Jacoby was eliminated, leaving Zendaya and American Idol alum Kellie Pickler in the top two: “There – there it won’t matter who wins between the two of them… even though I like Kellie.”
When Kellie Pickler was named the champion of DWTS: “They’re (Kellie & pro partner Derek) shocked!! It’s because of their performance from last night. Because she’s very artistic… But derek won again – how many is this that he won? She didn’t become the American Idol but she was the Dancing with the Stars champion.”
– I am a minute late and have no idea what’s going on, though I don’t think I’ve missed much. I was making tea for the first minute or so. Also, a bowl of fruit with a couple nilla waifers. I ended up with the wafers by accident today: I was shopping with a two-year-old who sneaked them into the cart. I like how casual the name is: ‘nilla. They aren’t bad. But seriously, never let a toddler go free-range at Target. They don’t understand how money works but are very fascinated by everything, like greedy, tiny aliens.
– A 60-ish year old woman is singing Just Dance by Lady Gaga. God, I miss this era of Lady Gaga. Everything was so new and interesting and beautiful then, like falling in love when you still believe in it.
– They keep cutting to a young blonde girl so I think she’s important. Now’s the time to tell you that I’m PRETTY AMAZING with subtleties like this. If there’s a gun on the mantle in the first act, the young pretty blond is the star of the movie by the second minute, that kind of thing.
– The older lady is the young blond’s mom. Didn’t see that coming. I’m already less pretty amazing than I thought. The young blonde is in the show that the mom is.. directing? Choreographing? And the mom isn’t happy because YB wants to move to Europe with the man she loves.
– Some woman (Amanda) who is probably evil because she has dark hair and is wearing all black, finds a vitality tonic. Bingo. Gun on the mantle.
– Mirabella. Mirabella is young blonde’s name. The older woman has already declared “I am your MOTHER!” 8-10 times so I’m pretty sure that’s a bit of a plot point.
– DAMN IT. Old woman is named Harper. That’s my dog’s name. She is going to be freaking.out. for this whole movie. Before you say anything, I named my dog before Posh Spice, Kelly Kapowski, and Doogie Houser named their babies, thanks.
– Italy! Beautiful, beautiful stock footage!
– Harper drank the vitality tonic and became young and attractive. FYI, I’m on IMDB trying to find out if I should know all of these people, but I really shouldn’t, don’t worry. Harper has turned into Chelsea Kane, from such hit films as The Bratz Movie. My friend and I used to dislike the shit out of Bratz in their heyday, in large part due to Baby Bratz. They were all sassy with their short skirts and diapers, and we imagined that they were all saying things like “hey, look’it my tush!” and we were always like “noooo, I really don’t want to look at your tush.” In any event, she’s singing I Want To Dance With Somebody, which is a really fun song at a wedding reception or when you’re driving. I guess when you suddenly become 30 years younger, after the initial shock subsides, you just want to DANCE. Luckily, there are plenty of guys here to dance with, and everyone knows the steps. Harper changes outfits like 5 times during the song.
– Also from IMDB: This movie has fewer than two stars.
– Old Harper is Jane Seymour. Thanks to Dr. Quinn, I never would have recognized her without a calico frock and a 4-foot-long braid. I thought she was making enough cash-money off of those open heart necklaces she’s always schilling that she wouldn’t have to do this sort of thing. I guess she just really, you know, believes in the product.
– Gold tinted stock footage of a beautiful Italian villa, and a building that looks sort of like Chilton from Gilmore Girls.
– Mirabella is played by Sara Paxton, who you may recognize from the cinematic great, You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Christmas Party. I’m familiar. In college, we used to watch You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s School Dance Party while we were getting ready to go out sometimes. BTW, Paxton has a really beautiful head of hair. Enviable.
– Harper is pretending to be Mirabella’s cousin. I can’t wait for the scene where the truth gets revealed and everyone’s feelings are hurt due to all the deception! Because that will mean that this movie is ending. And it’s really quite boring.
– Someone mentions the color puce. Does that remind anyone else of Summer of the Swans, or did I seriously date myself there?
– Harper has texted/ called Amanda, and now Amanda knows what’s up. I have decided that she is Harper’s personal assistant. Also, Amanda glances at a poster of the young Harper to see what her young self looked like. The poster is from a flapper revue. I know that Jane Seymour isn’t supposed to be a spring chicken, but I don’t think she was exactly supposed to be round tabling at the Algonquin and partying in West Egg, right? I am expecting a subplot where she’s actually 120 years old and has been bathing in virgin blood or has a portrait that ages for her in the attic.
– I think Harper is flirting with her daughter’s fiance, but I can’t be positive because I’m too bored to pay much attention. She wants to break them up so Mirabella can be a STAR. She is also wearing a weird, floppy corrugated shirt with a GIANT purple flower. Kinda Georgia O’Keefe-y. Um, does she know what those were supposed to be? And is it supposed to be from her middle-aged wardrobe, or did she go shopping real quick when she got young? I don’t know why I’m looking for logic in a tele-musical about a woman who drinks a special tonic that turns her into a Bratz doll.
This freakin’ shirt. What this picture doesn’t tell you is that it has a weird wavy texture, like someone accordion-folded it because they needed a quick fan and were 7 years old.
– A group of girls, including Harper and Mirabella, are at the pool sharing their losing their virginity stories, because Mirabella doesn’t realize that her mom’s there and I guess other audience members have higher tolerance for secondhand embarrassment than I do. Harper wears a giant sun hat, which is stupid because it’s not like she needs to worry about aging.
– OH. That was all a setup so Mirabella could sing Like A Virgin. That makes sense. I think one of Mirabella’s friends is a Cheetah Girl. Does anyone have receipts on that? They’re all singing and dancing together, which I was expecting — unlike the time I wasn’t POSITIVE that From Justin To Kelly was a musical when Traci, I, and our high school friends went to it. This is not good.
– It’s like they just tried to make a plot around whatever songs they could get the rights to. I honestly think that’s what’s happening. I’m half expecting to hear public domain tunes like Wheels On The Bus if they run out of pop songs.
– Whenever the plot needs to move forward, Amanda calls and gives information. Mirabella is out of the show if she doesn’t come back, and the tonic is from a vaudeville trunk, because of course. I think that’s wrong because vaudeville trunks would just have top-hats, curly mustaches, and those giant canes you use to pull people offstage.
– Back at Chilton, Mira is trying on her wedding dress. At this point, I realize that I should have just tracked down a Mamma Mia DVD if I wanted to see people singing and dancing in Europe during wedding shenanigans.
– Shouldn’t Mirabella be worried that her mom isn’t in the country yet? I’m sure they covered that but like I said, it’s hard to pay attention to something this terrible.
– Harper isn’t a star anymore because she “blew her knee out.” That has got to be the least-romantic career ending injury they could think of. They couldn’t have had her faint off of a bridge or be diagnosed with a delicate heart?
– Harper’s hands and neck are aging. You know what they say, hands and throat always age first, so do to them whatever you do to your face. For me, that would be routinely examining them for more wrinkles and crying about it sometimes.
– There’s a Huggies commercial that uses the phrase “baby in your stomach” in regards to a pregnant woman. HATE. Whenever I hear someone say that, I always think “how’d she eat a whole BABY?”
– Long story short, Mira knows that Harper kissed her fiancee and Harper knows that she knows. Ryan, Mirabella’s dad, is here. I think that they are saying Brian for the first hour, so I don’t think the actors were even paying attention. Or maybe the writers forgot and changed it halfway through. Maybe Ryan is a nickname for Brian.
– Cheetah Girl just said “tequila shooters.” Is shooters vs. shots a geographic thing? Everyone I know calls them shots. Related: call them shooters or call them shots, I will probably need several of them to make it through this movie.
– Mirabella sings her feelings in the woods as her memories play on the screen. This is either an original song, or just an extra-terrible song that I have been blessed to get by without hearing thus far.
– The commercial breaks are going on longer and longer. It is almost as though this movie doesn’t want to come back. It is probably embarrassed.
– I know I should be paying better attention, but I am reading about Reese Witherspoon’s disorderly conduct arrest, which is a string of words I never though I’d type. Evidently, when told to stay in her car, she said that she is a U.S. citizen, and she is allowed to stand on American ground. I don’t know why that makes me LOL so bad but it does. BTW, she looks downcast and introspective in her booking photo, like a 16th century Madonna (sans child. What would Ava, Deacon, and Tennessee think? Tennessee the child AND Tennessee the state).
Dammit, Laura Jeanne.
See? Yeah, that’s right, I took art history once.
– (B)ryan is magically young too, now.
– I think I’ve found our problem. The writer is someone named Jaylynn. That means either (1) She is young enough to be named Jaylynn, so probably under 18, or (2) She is older but voluntarily chose the name Jaylynn as a nom de suck.
– Okay, so. Mirabella still thinks that Fiance kissed Harper, when actually Harper kissed fiance.
– I packed my lunch, loaded some dishes into the dishwasher, put my dog out, and the commercial break is STILL going on. It’s okay, Lovestruck: The Musical. I didn’t want to come back, either.
– Aunt Birdie (oh yeah, there’s an Aunt Birdie) drank the whole bottle of Vaudeville Youth Serum, and is a child. Personally, I would take just an itty-bitty sip of it. Just enough to get me to an hour and a half ago, before I decided to watch this mess.
– DJ Got Us Falling In Love Again. You know what’s extra bad about this, other than everything? In the Freaky Friday remake, Lohan really sold the whole adult in a young person’s body thing, but there’s none of that here. Harper is just straight-up young. I’m sure this isn’t the first time that someone’s told Bratz that she’s no Lindsay Lohan, but in most other contexts that would be a compliment. Not here.
– I will never make it through all of the ONTD comments re: Reese Witherspoon, so I’m just going to switch over to the Jennifer Lawrence hair post. I like it.
– Mirabella can’t tell that her father has a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT VOICE on the phone, but again, I don’t know why I’m even looking for logic here.
– Heartfelt speech portion of the night: Harper and Fiance, whose name is Marco but which I keep hearing as Margo.
– Harper and (B)ryan are back in love, which is a lot easier when one of you is suddenly young and beautiful, I suppose. Also, Ryan is old again.
– Mirabella and Marco/Margo are singing a reprise of the terrible original song they sang earlier, I Do/ Me Too. I will have this song at my wedding if the following conditions are met: someone pays me $100,000 to do so and I have also become deaf by that time.
– Amanda is here. Deus ex personal assistant.
– Judging by the commercials, the main viewer demographic of Lovestruck: The Musical is women with UTIs. Sounds about right.
– I’m looking at the tv listings to decide what show I should fall asleep to tonight, and realized that my standards for TV Shows To Fall Asleep To are so exacting that it should be its own post. However, I noticed that Lovestruck: The Musical is on again right after this. Woo hoo!! Who’s ready to do this all over again right away???
– Mira and Margo get married. Everyone sings Everlasting Love. Then there’s a reprise of DJ’s Got Us Falling In Love Again over the credits. They make us watch scenes of things that happened in those two hours we just sat through, in case we weren’t ready to let ourselves forget yet. The lyrics “keep downing drinks” come up, and seriously, ABC Family? I don’t mind if I do.
After one long year, the cast of WoWP have reunited for a TV movie. It’s been a long year, let me tell you guys. But really, was this reunion necessary? Well, I suppose it doesn’t matter, because here I am, live blogging it on a Friday night. I’m a party animal, y’all!
For a brief recap: We last saw our wizards competing in the family wizard tournament. Justin (David Henrie) was a shoe-in because he’s the smartest of the fam, but right before the finish line, Justin got his foot stuck in a random tree branch that was protruding out of a cave wall. Right behind him was Alex, managed to avoid said branch, and was about to win the tourney but decided to help her brother out and let him be the fam wizard. Justin raced ahead, and officially won, but he was all, ‘no I don’t deserve this Alex does’, so she got to be the family wizard instead. But as a consolation prize, Justin was hired to be a professor at Wiz Tech school, and Max, who usually got the short end of the stick, got the family sub station restaurant.
And so we begin…
They’re back! Also, I’m dying over Selena’s outfit!
:01 I’m already missing David Henrie. He really couldn’t get it together to be in this?
:02 Oh no! Alex has been charged with treason for trying to ruin the mortal world. And sassy Alex is back, y’all!
:03 I’m confused about the timeline in this. Is this right after the competition?
:05 Justin sends his ‘friend’ Dominic to say he can’t come home for the party celebrating his professorship at the Wizard school, WizTech. Friend, huh? Is this a Dumbledore situation?
because he’s gay.
:07 They’re going to Italy? Did I know this? Can’t believe Justin’s missing this. Alex creates a door to Villa di Russo, where there’s a hot girl that Max decides to run after. Subsequently, the rest of the family + Harper follows.
:10 “There are no Italians in New York!” – Max, still stupid.
:12 “Where everyone else sees trouble, I see magic. And Beauty.” – Dominic, who is hitting on Alex, and is also the kid from MTV’s Awkward. British werewolf Mason/Gregg Sulkin comes in all pouty because he realizes Alex is being super selfish with her magic, even though she turned his lame picnic into a bucket of chicken.
:15 “Why is everything you’re wearing is from the 90s? – Alex “Oh, but when you guys wear it it’s vintage?” – Jerry
:17 The Alex/Harper BFF relationship has always been my favorite. And it’s like they never went away. Harper is back to wearing odd clambake outfits and Alex has a library full of quips.
:18 Alex conjures a spell to get all her mean parts out of her because her family keeps calling her selfish, but per usual, the spell doesn’t quite work and an evil Alex appears in the mirror (hence the title, Alex vs. Alex). Mean Alex screams, “Let me out of here you ugly hags!” DID SHE REALLY SAY ‘HAGS’ ON THE DIS CHAN?
:21 Max is chasing after a hot girl, who turns out to be his cousin. Whoops.
:24 I am loving Evil Alex’s yellow blazer! Even if she captured Max, made him 2 inches tall, put him in a vial which she carries around in a charm bracelet. I’m gonna go ahead and assume she manages to capture all the other members of her family, until it’s a showdown between her and the final vial inhabitant: Good Alex. $10 bucks, internet.
:25 This is turning into an I Love Lucy episode with Jerry and Teresa stomping grapes in a huge barrel. Oh and they disappeared – into EA’s vial. Oh shiiiiit Awkward Dominic is in cahoots with EA! How? Why?
:29 “Dominic is evil?” – Good Alex “Is it weird he’s even more attractive now?” – Harper. Girl gets it.
:30 AwkDom created a machine (the Dominic 1000) capture every mortal wizard so he can rule the evil wizard world. Naturally.
:36 AwkDom’s next target is Alex’s BF, Mason, and he gets caught in between EA & GA, but decides to trust the evil one instead, and she puts him in a vial too. And now she’s wearing this weird cape thing. Should’ve stuck with the blazer.
:38 “People should appreciate you for who you are. Not who they think you should be.” Harper, doling out life lessons since ’07.
:40 The random streak in EA hair that’s been shown in all the ads isn’t as prominent in the movie as I thought. Also why is it white?
:41 AwkDom makes Alex do the spell that will make the Dominic 1000 work, so now every mortal wizard from around the world is being captured in weird beads. She gets the vial bracelet back but just as she’s about to reverse the spell, we flash forward to the crystals of justice form the beginning of the movie who find her guilty of treason, and sentencing her to death. At first Alex thinks he ordered her a week banned from sweets, but it was the wrong sentencing. Then he changed to death, which Alex said, “Death by chocolate?” “No. Death by death.”
:45 Mason escapes the vial after AwkDom stupidly breaks it himself. He turns himself into a werewolf to help her escape, and it works.
:47 EA and GA are literally having a Harry Potter-like showdown right now. And now Selena is beating up herself. Wonder if she was taking out all her Bieber agression this way…
:51 GA is doing some gymnastic type moves up in here. literally upside down in the air. AwkDom drops the vial bracelet off the edge of the Leaning Tower of Pisa (where he placed his machine). But Mason comes to the rescue when AwkDom tries to get GA to to join him, and pushes him over the edge. Guys, there’s a dead wizard at the bottom of the Tower of Pisa. There has GOT to be some tourist taking a pic who is so confused right now.
:54 Alex just cast a spell that not only saved the world, but took away her powers at the same time. In front of the Crystal jury, her guilty verdict was overturned, and they refused to give her the powers back of all the previous times she almost ruined the world. Alex states that Harper is the only one who accepts her for her flaws and deems HArper all the magic she needs. Aw. And just as they walk away without her powers, she gets her magic back because she’s proved she’s mature with the whole I love Harper speech.
:59 And that’s a wrap folks! It ends with bloopers, which are my favorite. If you ever need a pick me up, just search for bloops on YouTube (Friends, HIMYM, The Office are some of my faves). Also there’s a preview for a DCOM called Teen Beach Movie which is like Grease meets West Side Story meets HSM…. I think I’ve hit the age appropriate limit for these things.
Happy Oscar night! So glad you came to join us. Please refresh the page every five minutes or so because WordPress doesn’t allow realtime liveblogging.
M: Welcome to the Cookies + Sangria 2013 liveblog! We’re watching the preshow on E because we… watch preshows on E. Also my family is here right now, so I may include their commentary but it would probably be too painful for all of us (read: my father has already called Reese Witherspoon fat). However, my sister-in-law just suggested that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler host everything so… we might be okay.
M: Molly’s Sister-in-Law Commentary: Jennifer Lawrence’s smiling face and Jennifer Lawrence’s straight face look like two entirely different people.
Molly’s Brother Commentary: The E! Preshow is like mean girls in high school. To everyone’s face they’re like “oh my god you look amazing!” and then to their friends the next day it’s all (whispering) “did you see her DRESS?!” Also, Jennifer Lawrence has the voice of a 38-year-old.
T: I love when I forget that TV people are in movies. i.e. Bryan Cranston was in Argo. Also, I haven’t seen Argo, so that’s probably why.
T: Sally Field in a red gown and I literally just said “Va-va-VOOM” to myself. what.
M: Jennifer Lawrence looks amazing! I mean I can only see the very top of her dress but I’m pretty sure. Early warning, my “w” key is sticking a bit so that may get messy later.
T: wait… what just happened with JLaw at the mani cam??? She literally looked into the tiny camera and said, “Your ass is mine, Stone” (to Emma Stone) I LOVE HER SO MUCH.
M: I didn’t catch the context of that either but are they friends? I love that and want to be friends with them. I mean they could blog with us. I mean we’d let them.
T: I’d let J Law and Emma do whatever they wanted with me (take that however you want).
M: For those of you who aren’t around people who change the channel during the commercial break, ESPN just presented the “jeers of January,” the #1 being this guy who cleaned his sweaty arms/pits with a towel and tossed it to his teammate, who wiped his face with it. This is why I don’t do sports.
M: Sister-in-law commentary: the woman to Jennifer Hudson’s left looks like J.Hud if things had gone the other way
T: LOL re: J Hud’s guest. I believe that’s her sister.
M: My family is formulating theories for why actors are so short. They think they were the extroverted people who weren’t cut out for sports. I mean probably. (Source: Am tiny and unathletic; did theater).
T: What a tender moment between Dustin Hoffman and Sally Field. I play this game in my head called, ‘what movie were these two actors in together?’ I lost that particular round.
M: We just convinced my dad that Joseph Gordon Levitt and Sally Field are married. Are they married? Or just together for interviews? Also my dad just asked if Charlize Theron has come out of the closet yet. I don’t know if I can do this.
T: Melissa McCarthy is rocking some TEXAS sized hair tonight. I still think she’s the best. Tami Taylor would be proud.
M: Quvanzhane Wallis is actually walking down the carpet underneath J.Law’s giant dress-flounce (that’s why we haven’t seen her yet).
M: My dad: What if Tom Cruise had to present to Katie Holmes at one of these shows?
Me: I … don’t think Katie Holmes will be winning an award at one of these shows.
T: Anytime Ryan interviews an Idol alum on the red carpet, I feel like he’s thinking ‘I am proud, but also am partly responsible for your success.’ Also, remember how Jennifer Hudson has an Oscar??
M: Kimora Lee Simmons exists outside of ANTM in 2005? Okay, I guess. Also my sister in law just said she’s only like 36 or something. Is that close to true?
T: Helen Hunt is wearing H&M. And also $700,000 worth of jewels. So I mean that equals out, I guess.
M: I think I have a weird crush on Christoph Waltz. Does anyone know if he’s straight? This is all very hypothetical anyway, my relationship with Christoph Waltz.
T: Is anyone else distracted by these Japanese reporters next to Ryan? I feel like they’re going to do the little azn giggle thing any time a big star comes over to talk to them.
M: Anne Hathaway… early 2000s prom dress? She looks pretty, though.
T: Anne’s dress, in addition to looking like a prom dress, is reminiscent of Gwyneth Paltrow’s in 1999. Also, the dress has its own wikipedia page.
M: Anne Hathaway is wearing Prada/ (Insert Devil Wears Prada ref)
M: I don’t understand Naomi Watts’s neckline, because I think I’d need an engineering degree to do that. Charlize Theron just collided with the actor-wrangler. Or some woman with a badge and sunglasses.
T: If I cut my hair like Charlize, I’d look like one of her prisonmates in Monster. Charlize looks like an angel.
M: I’d look like a 7-year-old boy. I mean more than I do already.
T: BTW, for an insider’s perspective (someone who lives in LA), the intersection of Hollywood and Highland is one that I pass by every day to get to work. Here’s a photo I took on Monday, when they shut down a block of Hollywood Blvd. While I still think it’s awesome that the Oscars are literally happening minutes away from me right now, it’s annoying since I had to take a whole different route to work today. #FirstWorldLAProblems.
T: GLORIA COOPER. YOU ROCK THAT PINK FEATHERED SHAWL.
M: Did Bradley Cooper bring his mother? I love him and I think she’d make a great mother-in-law to anybody who is me.
M: Who is that person on E wearing the polka dotted gown thing? Is it made of vinyl? I hate it.
T: That person on E! also just said “side boobies”
M: Also,” half-boob”? Isn’t that just cleavage? Like, low cleavage?
T: E is currently scrolling the Governor’s Ball menu on their chyron right now and it is literally making my mouth water. I should probably eat something.
M: I think Jessica Chastain got it right this time! I need to see the dress again. I hope so. She’s one of those celebs I technically don’t know much about but I just really irrationally think she’s probably a fantastic person.
T: Why are we watching the Vanity Fair red carpet right now? Like there aren’t any celebrities at the Oscars red carpet right now to interview?? I mean Leslie and Judd look great and all, but I want to see Jennifer Aniston again.
M: Yes, we all love Maude Apatow’s parents (as they’ll probably be known in like 20 years) but I agree.
T: J Hud’s stylist… I kind of would watch a reality show about your life.
M: While I like Anne Hathaway, I’d like to make a special shoutout to the person who found our blog today by Googling “anne hathaway stinks and she can’t sing and she is ugly.” Thanks for dropping in!
T: omg LOL at that Anne Hathaway Google search
M: Right? I wonder if it was a 12 year old or an adult with a lot of feelings about Anne Hathaway. Maybe that ex-fiancé of hers who was busted for being a shyster
T: hahaha the latter, I assume
T: Legit going to switch over to ABC if they don’t go back to Ryan right now. Why are we watching still shots of Nicole Kidman?!
M: We just watched like 10 minutes of very marginally famous ladies talking about people’s dresses. Come on. That’s what we’re going to watch TOMORROW. Did ABC buy the rights to airing everything worth watching after 7:30EST?
T: I snuck over to ABC. I’m not going to lie. The Oscar Experience College Search winners are on – aka the college kids handing out the awards to the presenters tonight. And the AZN girl is a student at Emerson. what upppp!
M: Meanwhile on E, we are looking at still photos of the Garner-Afflecks. Clearly taken from afar by a wide-angle lens. Apparently they look like “any family, out on the town!” The only reason I can’t confirm/deny is that my family avoids going out on “the town,” at least as a unit.
T:… Did G just talk about Ben Affleck’s beard tweeting her. WHAT IS GOING ON.
M: Did all of their on-carpet camera people DIE OH MY GOD WHAT IS E NOT TELLING US?!
T: Conspiracy theory: Sasha Baron Cohen came back as The Dictator and instead of white powder, he poured anthrax on Ryan on the red carpet.
M: Everybody stop contemplating how much exercise Jane Fonda does and what kind. First of all, it’s all in her videos and second of all bitch has straight-up plastic surge (not judging, can’t afford it anyway).
T: Meanwhile on ABC, Hugh Jackman lifted Kristin Chenoweth in one arm and his wife in the other. And Kelly Rowland left Beyonce at home and interviewed smokeshow Chris Evans in an awkward fashion. Still better than Jane Fonda exercise commentary.
M: This E! Commentary is like watching the Oscars in a room full of people who happen to be in the urgent care waiting room when you are, or something. They are no more funny or interesting than the general population.
T: Vanity Fair just tweeted that E!’s cameras were kicked off the red carpet. Can’t tell if that’s frreal or not. My assumption is that actually might be true. Somewhere, the producers are yelling their brains out.
M: That is the only thing that makes sense right now. This is painful. Well. Sandra Bullock is so pretty but I wish she’d bring her adorable baby everywhere as an accessory. A lot of babies aren’t cute (just being real) but that one … Also, sometime I’m going to post sexist movie commentary of my dad’s that I’ve collected, but he’s pretty bad with red carpet events too, apparently. Salma Hayek? “Not that pretty.”
T: There is a one shot on ABC of Jennifer Aniston being interviewed and Adele in the back. I die. (we switched to ABC because frankly, there’s only so much fashion commentary from Kelly Osbourne one can take.)
M: Aniston! Love her. Wish her hair was less plain than it always is. I’m not saying she should bring back the Rachel but oh my goodness, what would we all do if she brought back the Rachel?
T: I would like to be BFFs with Cheno and Jennifer Garner. Also, Cheno is doing a fab job, is there anything she can’t do? Really.
M: Little known fact: Cheno is ¼ English, ½ German, and ¼ Pixie. And she’s singing tonight!! I didn’t know that before, but yay!
T: I think Halle Berry is wearing a very similar dress to Norah Jones. Oops.
M: Halle Berry wanted to “go as a Bond girl” to the Oscars, but she accidentally went as my grammy, in the early 90s, on one of her Vegas trips. Whoopsie!
T: OH MY GOD Cheno standing next to Adele is insane. Adele is 5’9” and Cheno is like 4’9”. DEAD.
M: Which of George Clooney’s lady friends is this one? I never bother to tell them apart.
T: Stacy Kiebler. I remember this because her name is a cookie.
M: The audio between this interview and a Cheno one is overlapping. Cheno’s great grandfather was an elf, by the by. And I freakin LOVED those Keebler E.L. Fudge cookies.
T: BREAKING NEWS: WHILE WE WERE WATCHING 30 EXTRA UNNECESSARY MINUTES OF FASHION COMMENTARY ON E!, AARON PAUL FROM BREAKING BAD GOT MARRIED. SAD YET HAPPY DAY FOR ALL.
M: I don’t watch Breaking Bad but I’m familiar with Aaron Paul from liking how he looks.
T: Just realized that Bryan Cranston didn’t go to his wedding. oh well.
T: BTW, Seacrest made his way into the fashion studio across the street, so he def got kicked off the red carpet. Well, props to him, because seriously, he is the best interviewer on the red carpet. Love that man.
M: I’m betting the Fashion Police commentary will be extra-angry tomorrow since everyone’s feeling all jilted. Everything Cheno says tonight sounds like the spoken lines from “Popular” in Wicked. Please tweet us at @CookiesSangria if you know what E did to get kicked off!
T: FYI, it is NOT cold in Los Angeles right now. I’m looking at you Anne Hathaway.
T: Everytime I see Jamie Foxx’s daughter, she is STUNNING. Also, he was hitting on Kelly Rowland and they had to awkwardly cut away.
M: For real, Foxx’s daughter is so pretty! I remember that she at an Awards show with him back in the Ray era and she was like 10. I’m old.
T: Kristen Stewart was on crutches? Is that why she was shaking like a meth addict?
M: It could have been meth, I don’t really know what she’s into.
T: LEMON FACE! I mean Renee Zellweger. What happened to you?
M: Is Renee Zellwegger relevant? I mean other than to her family and friends and, you know, the universe as a whole in a general “no man is an island” sense?
M: Queen Latifah! I love her so much. I was in an airport in France, and my friend said “Queen Latifah just walked by!” but I heard it as “Queen Latifah just died!” so I said “NO! I LOVE Queen Latifah!” really, really loud, and the Queen looked at me. Then my friend talked to her and I stood there. She’s really pretty. She was with who I assume to be her ladyfriend. And I don’t mean that in the sense that Traci here is my lady/friend.
T: Queen La looks like she’s heading to her wedding. A lesbian wedding. Yeah I said it.
T: Whoa. The stage is what I want my wedding to look like. Also, RDJ is not impressed with Seth MacFarlane.
T: For the record, I don’t like Family Guy, and frankly I find Seth to be a little annoying. I did like Ted though. So let’s hope he’s not douchey tonight.
M: So far, I’m happy/surprised that MacFarlane’s tone hasn’t been too mean/negative, which I was expecting. But you know, I’ll really never be happy until Amy Poehler is hosting everything. EVERYTHING. From the Oscars to the Nobel prize to that second-cousin’s bridal shower I don’t want to go to.
T: Good lord, that guy LOOKS like a Coppola.
M: Ohh okay. I’m one of those people who will joke about anything/everything with friends of mine, but public domestic violence jokes? Just not awesome.
T: Ok, legit just LOLed at the Jodie Foster joke. Freaking Jodie Foster’s speech was the worst.
M: I read a transcript of Jodie Foster’s speech but I’d have had better luck interpreting hieroglyphics or the cursive chapter introductions of BabySitters Club Super-Specials.
T: Not even 10 minutes in and the weird William Shatner/Star Trek segment adresses the lack of Tina and Amy.
M: Are all of the actresses’ eyerolls in this “I Saw Your Boobs” song part of a bit, or does the whole world hate Seth MacFarlane? My upper lip is curling in disgust involuntarily. I don’t think boob humor is too crass. I just hate when things aren’t funny.
T: I AM SO CONFUSED AS TO WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. Seth just went from
singing to a song about boobs to singing The Way You look Tonight with a ballroom dance including two hot actors. I get the whole bit but this is stupid.
M: Channing Tatum is dancing sooo I … guess I don’t care whether this is funny right now (it’s still not, though).
M: Star Trek references will never be part of my interest set. Sometimes people on Facebook repost things from that nice-seeming Asian man but… that’s about as far as it will ever go with me. What the shit are these sock puppets? And Daniel Radcliffe and Joseph Gordon Levitt. I hate MacFarlane for being terrible, then putting beautiful people on the stage to sing and dance so I stop being mad. That’s a terrible trick.
T: SETH you are ruining this amazing song and dance number by JGL and Harry Potter. (Just expect me to be annoyed at Seth, moving forward).
M: I’m looking up some more outfits online. Looks like Q… Wallis had another puppy purse. I’m glad she sticks with what works for her, like Anna Wintour with her haircut, but I sort of hoped she’d really go for it. Cat purse or something. Elephant purse maybe. Oh ALSO the internet said she was just cast as Annie which is terrible news because that means I wasn’t cast as Annie. Have they SEEN me?! I guess she’s a fine second choice.
M: I love Octavia Spencer! Also she and J.Chastain are one of the cutest celeb friendships, from what little I’ve seen. Oh hey – first category! Best supporting actor. I saw everything here but The Master, but I’d like PSH to win, because Rochester.
T: Listen, I haven’t seen Django, but I did see Christoph host SNL and that was surprisingly hysterical.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTORChristoph Waltz, Django Unchained
Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Master
Robert DeNiro, Silver Linings Playbook
Alan Arkin, Argo
Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln
Traci’s prediction: Christoph Waltz Molly’s prediction: Alan Arkin Winner: Christoph Waltz
M: My boy!! Kind of. I only decided to have a crush on him about an hour ago.
T: Jack Nicholson is in the audience and the first shot of him is looking mighty confused. Sounds about right.
T: Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy’s intro was better than the entirety of Seth’s monologue. Well, most of it at least.
M: Animated short film. Well, 17 minutes in and we’re already to the “shit I don’t care about” segment. The segment being about ¾ of the program. I guess I wanted the Maggie Simpson one to win to the extent I wanted any of these to win. I’m sure they’re all lovely.
T: Yes, you WERK that kilt, guy from Brave. Is the woman with him also dressed up like a character from the movie, or is that real life?
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
Frankenweenie
The Pirates
Wreck-It Ralph
Paranorman
Brave
M: The people from Brave appeared in costume, I guess. The man is dressed as a disgruntled boy whose mom made him do Irish dance (read: my brother in 1990), and the woman is dressed as a person who got lost on her way back from a Civil War reenactment.
M: They are now announcing best picture nominees, starting with Les Miserables. All of my feelings and Traci’s feelings about this movie are in our liveblog.They’re doing this weird. They’ve moved on to Life of Pi.
Life of Pi
Molly’s take: I tried to read this book and failed like three times. That never happens to me. This is the first time I’ve ever said this about a book-to-film adaptation, but I really do think this story works better as a movie than a book.
Traci’s take: Boy on a raft with tiger?
And then, straight to Beasts of the Southern Wild? Eh, at least maybe they’ll cut some run time this way.
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Molly’s take: I really really liked this. The performances were incredible and there were weird non-literal special effects (beasts. In the Southern Wild), which I liked — usually I don’t care for that kind of thing. Don’t think it has much of a shot, to be quite honest.
Traci’s take: I watched this on Friday night. Qua.. (Q, I call her), was absolutely fantastic in this movie. Overall I liked it, didn’t love it, but don’t think it’s going to win either.
M: MacFarlane just said Quvenzhane wrong. No, just kidding. There’s no way to say Quvenzhane wrong. BTW girl is living my nine-year-old dreams and is so adorable I almost teared up a little. You know, I spelled Quvenzhane wrong and Google docs actually recognized it and angry red underlined it. Meanwhile, my last name is something like the eighth most common surname in Ireland and Google Docs is always like, wait… you made a mistake there, right?
T: Oh good lord that George Clooney joke was second hand embarrassment to the max.
T: Did I just have a stroke, or did I not understand anything the Avengers just said?
M: No, I didn’t even understand the name of this category. I take it Life of Pi just won for something technical or… okay, cinematography. That’s fair. It was very pretty. The cinematographer has a soft-looking long white mane that I would like to weave into some sort of a crown braid.
T: This guy might just be waking up from his quaalude trip from 1967. But I mean, congrats.
M: They’re doing visual effects which is probably important to some people. But I think all of those people are there, because they’re nominated, so it’s okay to take a bathroom break or get some tea right now.
T: I’m using this time during the awards I don’t care about to check Instagram. I just found out that Aaron Paul IS NOT married. It was his fiancee’s bridal shower. False alarm folks.
M: They may be cutting into this speech with the Jaws theme. That is the most aggressive overtime music I’ve ever seen. They should start pulling the long-winded winners off with a giant crook, vaudeville, style.
T: I thought it was the Jaws theme too!!! Did you guys see the look on Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban’s faces!! This is so embar.
M: I will never get used to seeing Keith Urban at Hollywood events. Or Nicole Kidman at country music events.
T: Channing is doing his best acting work right now. In related news: DILF. And if you win for something like costume design, you better be wearing an amazing out of this world dress. Can’t say that for this woman.However, she wins for best speech so far.
M: The top of that dress looks like a cozy sweater I’d wear on a day when I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be leaving my office very much. Also I forgot to pay attention during her speech, I’ve really got to be better about that.
T: THE MAKEUP AND HAIR CHICK IS WEARING PINK LEGGINGS. ATTENTION. PINK LEGGINGS.
M: Ohh no. The outfit on the makeup lady for Les Miserables. Is she dressed as a consumptive prostitute because that is the only excuse. She looks like when tweenage girls over-accessorize and wear a bunch of sparkly shit because they like it and don’t know better.
T: Work, Halle. Is this when Adele sings? I’m listening.
M: I didn’t see Skyfall because I have a personal policy of not watching movies that are going to bore me.
T: I actually can’t even recall if I’ve ever seen a Bond movie.
M: Pretty sure I never have. I could make up a nice-sounding reason that had to do with violence and misogyny, which I’m sure is in there, but it’s honestly because they look boring to me. But I have seen Austin Powers, which is probably the same thing but funny.
T: Yeah, I’ve seen Charlie’s Angels, so that’s the same too.
M: Who is this bitch who’s not Adele? The lyrics to this song are so bad and generically Bond-y that I think she’s just making them up on the spot. “Gold” “He loves Gold” “Pretty Girl”. And then a lot of sassy arm movements.
T: Man, Shirley Bassey is bringing the DRA-MA.”HE LOVES GOLD”
M: Evidently the Bond films are about a man who enjoys gold. The audience is considerably more impressed than I am.
T: Hey, wasn’t there a guy on Austin Powers in Goldfinger that kept saying “I love gooooolld”? That’s Shirl Bassey right now.
M: That’s probably what Austin Powers was referencing. Leave it to me to watch a parody of something that I’ve never even seen. Anyway, nice work, Shirl. She really made me feel how much this man enjoys gold.
T: I don’t watch Scandal, I hear it’s good. But that commercial just made me want to watch the shit out of it.
M: Kerry Washington looks like Oscars Barbie, right? Also I was so blinded by Jamie Foxx’s pretty child earlier that I didn’t notice his sparkly bow tie.
Actually Shawn Christensen.
T: Shawn Christensen, the winner of the live action short film is ADORABLE. What is this accent? He looks like he could be the frontman of an emo band from 2004.
M: Yes. Like he’d have been in a band that Seth Cohen listened to. He’s precious. All right, best picture nominees again: Argo, Lincoln, and Zero Dark Thirty.
Argo
Molly’s take: Loved everything about this. Wish Affleck were nominated for Best Director. My favorite part was the whole movie and my second-favorite part was during the credits when they showed the split-screen of the locations/people in the movie vs real life. They weren’t playing it up. The 70s seriously looked like that.
Traci’s take: Ben Affleck is getting this award and I’m hoping to God he’s going to tell the Academy to SUCK IT.
Lincoln
Molly’s take: I mean the following in the least self-deprecating way possible: I don’t think I was smart enough for this. But how much do you want to have a folksy 19th century politician to tell you funny, apt anecdotes? I wish Daniel Day Lewis as Abe Lincoln was my friend or uncle. I have never heard anything quite like that accent of his, for the record.
Traci’s take: I saw this with my parents and didn’t really want to go in the first place. But I mean it was well done, and the acting was good, but I think I fell asleep for part of it. Just hand Dan Lewis the Oscar already.
Zero Dark Thirty
Molly’s take: This film was fairly long, but my mind didn’t wander once during it. Why wasn’t Kathryn Bigelow nominated, again? Also: Andy Dwyer as a Navy Seal. Yes, please.
Traci’s take: So I’ve only seen four out of the five best picture movies, so expect half-assed commentary. I wanted to watch this movie, specifically because of Andy Dwyer. I mean – HELLO.
T: I thought there was going to be a JLo joke in there and a quick cutaway to the Affleck-Garners. Thank God I was wrong.
M: You’d think I’d be really jazzed about Best Documentary Feature because cerebral foreign documentaries are the ONLY thing that Netflicks thinks I know how to love, but no. Haven’t seen any of these. Molly fact of the day: the gent who directed the terrible stranger danger film I was in as a kiddo was nominated for Best Documentary. Not for the stranger danger film. Sat next to Anjelica Houston. Ohh shit. Jaws music again.
T: So the producers are just using Seth every second possible, right? Do we really need to know what’s coming up in the next segment? I swear, he’s getting more screen time than Amy and Tina did at the Globes. To quote Kenan Thompson on SNL, What’s Up With That?
BEST FOREIGN FEATURE
Amour
No
Rebelle (War Witch)
A Royal Affair
Contiki
M: Amour was, I suppose, technically a very good movie but it was so ridiculously sad that I can’t recommend watching it if you’re the kind of human who has feelings. Let’s just stop and notice how really good Emmanuelle Riva looks for whatever her age is.
T: Seth stayed away from making fun of John Travolta, because, well, the Scientologists would be after him in a heartbeat.
T: AARON TVEIT!! Ok, yes I got excited about him during our Les Mis live blog too, but whatever, he is WORTH IT.
M. YES YES AARON TVIET It’s like I’m so happy that I almost didn’t notice the ridic French accent Travolta used when he said Les Miserables (Xenu forgive me).
T: Hi, Chicago was released TEN YEARS ago. TEN.
M: Okay, that’s why Zellwegger’s here. TEN YEARS. Is Catherine Z-J’s dress see-through? I’m confused by it.
T: Oh hey So You Think You Can Dance alums, I see you.
M: Did Z-J just pull a Beyonce – Inauguration (lip sync) or a Beyonce – Halftime Show (live performance)?
T: Pretty sure she did. I hope she gets a lot of shit from this, and tries to sing the national anthem at a press conference before she performs at the Super Bowl. Oh JK she can’t do that because she’s Catherine Zeta-Jones, not Beyonce.
T: Shut it all down, J Hud blew everyone at the Oscars away. Does she know she can’t win another award for this?
M: I don’t know whether I should be like, “DAMN – listen to Jennifer Hudson” or “DAMN – look at Jennifer Hudson.” Either way. Damn, girl.
T: OH GREAT, Russell Crowe is following Jennifer Hudson. HAHAHAHA. Best of luck, mate.
M: Is it too late for him to just not? I guess so. Ohh and he’s doing “Suddenly?” Nahh, bud.
T: AMANDA LOOKS AMAZING. And Samantha Barks’ waist STILL looks CGI-ed!!!
M: SAMANTHA BARKS WAIST SAMANTHA BARKS WAIST. I knew we’d get that one into another post.
T: I LEGIT JUST STOOD UP AND SCREAMED “AARON TVEIT, AARON TVEIT, AARON TVEIT”
Why is Russell Crowe’s mic up higher than everyone else’s???? Sasha Baron Cohen is OVER it.
M: If I could take my eyes off the screen I’d search for a gif of Ron Swanson reacting to Lil Sebastian at the Harvest Festival, because that is my face right now. Also I think that’s to get his mic farther from his voice area.
T: I don’t think this is the gif you’re looking for, but I’d like to imagine you making this Swanson face.
M: I wish I had thought to do that with my face, but I was thinking of the giddy smile/laugh when he first saw Lil S.
T: Ted. Oh Ted. He’s the only one who can pronounce Les Miserables wrong and get away with it. Also, Hugh looked confused and astonished that they won. Can Ted say “AHHgo” all the time please.
M: A tie? That’s got to be fake.
T: How do ties effect at home awards ballots?!? But really, when was the last time there was a tie at the Oscars? And is it a pre req to have long hair and an indistinguishable Scandinavian accent if you’re a sound mixer?
M: So many people vote, ties just seem really improbable. I don’t know much about sound editing, but I think that both of the male winners look like what I’d expect a sound editor to look like – middle aged Caucasian men with scraggly long blondish hair. Ohh except the second one has some kind of fancy dangly earring.
T: OH MY GOD A SOUND OF MUSIC REFERENCE. THIS IS ACTUALLY THE BEST THING TO HAPPEN.
M: If Seth keeps making movie-musical refs I could be persuaded to change my feelings about him.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Sally Field, Lincoln
Anne Hathaway, Les Misérables
Jacki Weaver, Silver Linings Playbook
Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Amy Adams, The Master
Traci’s prediction: Anne Hathaway Molly’s prediction: Anne Hathaway. Sally Field. No… yeah. Sally Field. Winner: Anne Hathaway
M: Anne Hathaway Ugly Cry. Damn. That settles it: Sorry, Claire Danes, Anne Hathaway is THE ultimate ugly crier, ending our Cookies + Sangria Ugly Cry Showdown… for now.
T: It’s just so unfortunate that she has to accept her first Oscar in this nip dress. It’s fucking distracting.
M: I liked when Cheno subtly complimented Hathaway on how her hair was growing out tonight. Subtext: “So… you ARE growing your hair out, right?”
T: How many times did she rehearse this speech? She memorized all those names like they were her bitch. Did she just shout out to prostitutes?? And are 1920s movie girls handing out snacks?
M: I hoped she’d say something more exciting during the speech – sometimes she says fantastic things, really, like when she shot down Matt Lauer re: her weight loss and wardrobe malfunction, quite beautifully – skip to 1:10 or so. She legit spun the prostitute thing really well. And I want a 1920s movie girl to bring me popcorn. WTF.
T: If I was at a party, I would be getting up from my seat and grabbing more guac and white wine during the President’s speech. instead, I’m at work and getting more water from the water cooler. #YouJeal
T: Ugh, J Law looks like a DREAM. From one flawless woman to another.
M: Watching Jennifer Lawrence cut to Adele just broke my self-esteem. The thing with this Skyfall song is I think we’re almost at the end of it and I still have no CLUE whether or not James Bond likes/dislikes gold.
T: Is that the LA Gay Men’s Chorus backing up Adele? Because that would be perfect. Excuse me, why is there no standing O for Adele? Is it because she didn’t sing about gold? Fuckery.
M: I hope it’s because the entire audience is just stunned into inaction.
T: Christoph Waltz sits casually with his Oscar laying in his lap. Like a fucking boss.
M: Okay, another batch of best pic nominees.
T: Oh yes, internet you have not failed me. Really hoping someone would post a gif of Sandy Bullock trying to open the envelope, and here it is.
Silver Linings Playbook:
Molly’s take: This is a movie I could watch again and again, like Titanic when I was 11. Also, nearly everyone I know who has seen this loved it, which almost never happens. Definite dark horse material.
Traci’s take: I went to the theater not really knowing what the movie was about, but didn’t care because I heard it was really good and J Law + Bradley Cooper were in it. Fortunately, the good reviews proved to be on point, because I loved it. As soon as it ended, I wanted to see it again. If Argo doesn’t take home Best Picture, this will.
Django Unchained
Molly’s take: I expected to really dislike Django Unchained but actually… I hated Django Unchained. Like Traci, Tarantino flicks are one of my pop culture blind spots, with good reason. I know the violence is supposed to be sort of winking/tongue in cheek, but it just doesn’t appeal to me. I will say that it was an excellent story and well-made film. For someone else to see.
Traci’s take: See Pop culture blind spots above: I don’t dig Django.
Amour
Molly’s take: I guess you should watch this if you are not depressed but wish you were. Listen, I already knew one smart, elderly Francophone lady who deteriorated really quickly and died slowly, and that was my grandma. Sorry, Emmanuelle Riva, you were excellent, but this was really bleak.
Traci’s take: Everytime I see the movie poster for Amour, I think it’s the old couple from Titanic. Is that not what this movie is?
T: The Harry Potter theme plays while Dan Radcliffe comes on to present, while Kristen Stewart is awkwardly hobbling on to the stage like Mad Eye Moody, confirming the fact that Harry Potter is better than Twilight. Well, everything is better than Twilight.
M: Kristen Stewart looks high and like she was just napping or doin it backstage. I half think she should just grow up and stop being awkward already and half think “you know what? You do you, Twilight.” I just realized that when Dan Radcliffe starts visibly aging, like obviously wrinkling and balding, I’m probably not going to take that well.
M: Pet peeve: when people clap during the in memorium, leading to thunderous applause for the really famous people and quiet slow-claps for less famous people. I’m wondering if they told everyone to be quiet this time, because I’m only hearing a few here and there. Ugh. Disrespectful.
T: This is my annoyance too! I might be making this up, but I think there was one year where the host or presenter, whoever asked the audience to hold their applause until the end of the montage.
M: I think you’re right. Hopefully that ended it forever. It’s like at graduations where some people get tons of applause and some people get nothing even though everyone earned the same degree, except worse.
T: Come to think of it, maybe I was thinking about graduation, and not the Oscars. I get the two confused.
M: Like the Oscars, our high school graduation was a lot of overly-long speeches, people I had never heard of getting awards, and Traci and I making snarky comments throughout (alphabetical neighbors, remember?).
T: It’s the only way I think I got through that graduation ceremony. And high school, really.
T: Is Barbra trying to make extensions work right now? Also, I can’t with this. With her.
M: Any of this. Also, I hate when people do slow, semi-rhythmic talking intros to songs with the music playing. It’s even worse when there’s a talk break in the middle of a song though. I just get embarrassed for the person. Even if that person is Barbra Streisand. GOD. She just did it. “Of course we would.”
T: There are only two types of people who do the semi-rhythmic talking intros: 1970s singing legends like Babs, and the only bass singer in R&B groups from the 1990s. And it’s still not okay.
T: They’re playing My Heart Will Go On, and it’s the one time I don’t want to slam my remote into the TV.
M: Look, Queen Latifah just came out! On to the stage. Come on, Q. Really.
T: Lady Mary was in Anna Karenina?? I should put that in my queue. Also, was Chicago that iconic of a movie that the Academy needed to celebrate its 10th anniversary? Don’t get me wrong, it was good, but, really?
M: I didn’t think Chicago was that big a thing, either. And we were teenagers into musical theater at the time, even. The score to Lincoln just sounded like the score to Little Women crossed with the score to Glory to me. I think there’s a standard 1860s songbook everyone’s working from. And I can NOT with this song with the lyrics “I don’t want to die alone… I don’t want to die alone… way before my time.” Is the title to that song “Things That Keep Me Up At Night When I Have To Wake Up Early The Next Day,” because probably. Things to also file under that title: It is 11:15 and I don’t see how this can end on time.
T: They should have brought Ted back to do a dance number with Norah Jones for this song. I. fucking. love. Adele.
M: Evidently I did a prediction for best original screenplay but not adapted. Adapted is up. I don’t know. Silver Linings Playbook? Or, actually it was Argo. That’s good too.
T: I was going to say Silver Linings too, but yeah, Argo. This guy is cute because he’s genuinely surprised and honored to get the award. WTG.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Flight
Zero Dark Thirty
Django Unchained
Amour
Moonrise Kingdom
Traci’s prediction: Zero Dark Thirty Molly’s prediction: Django Unchained Winner: Django Unchained
T: I dislike Tarantino almost as much as I dislike Tarantino films. I mean the man said, ‘Peace out.’
M: I think my dog looks how we both feel right now:
I think she just rolled her eyes at me.
T: I will give anything to see Jane Fonda scream out “BEN AFFLECK HAHAHAHAAHA JK ”
M: YES
BEST DIRECTOR
David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Ang Lee, Life of Pi
Steven Spielberg, Lincoln
Michael Haneke, Amour
Benh Zeitlin, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Traci’s prediction:Steven Spielberg Molly’s prediction: Steven Spielberg Winner: Ang Li
M: Didn’t expect that even a little.
T: Okay, but instead of showing David O. Russell’s face in that box, they showed Emmanuelle Riva from Amour. Also didn’t realize the movie industry loved Ang Li so much.
M: I just realized that I know nothing about Ang Li as a person but I have the same irrational feelings of goodwill toward him as I do to Jessica Chastain. Weird. I’d never really thought about him before. Someone make a gif of his wife’s face when he said they’d been married 30 years.
M: Okay, I don’t even want to see Quvenzhane’s face at ALL when she (probably) doesn’t win. That’s why it doesn’t seem fair to nominate a little kid. I reacted poorly when I got knocked out in classroom spelling bees.
T: Awww, guys remember Jean DuJardin, and how big of a deal he was??
M: I’m getting knots in my stomach about this one, I swear.
T: I might vomit from nervousness.
BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Naomi Watts, The Impossible
Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty
Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Emmanuelle Riva, Amour
Quvenzhané Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Traci’s prediction:Jennifer Lawrence Molly’s prediction: Jessifer Lawtain. If I can’t do that… um… God. Jessica Chastain. I suppose. Winner: Jennifer Lawrence
M: Is she okay?? “You guys are just standing up because you feel bad that I fell.” No NO we all love you.
T: THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED. I am legit tearing up. She is the only – THE ONLY – actress that can trip up the stairs and get away with it slash make fun of herself.
M: I just realized that logically I probably shouldn’t like Jennifer Lawrence? Because she’s beautiful and talented and an Oscar winner and several years younger than me, right? Fuck that. Love her.
T: It’s fine. Adele is 24.
BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Daniel Day Lewis, Lincoln
Denzel Washington, Flight
Hugh Jackman, Les Misérables
Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook
Joaquin Phoenix, The Master
Traci’s prediction: Daniel Day Lewis Molly’s prediction: Daniel Day Lewis Winner: Daniel Day Lewis
T: uh, is Meryl so big that she can just name whoever she wants to win the Oscar?
M: Meryl didn’t open an envelope because Meryl is already off-book.
T: Dan Lewis’ got JOKES, y’all.
M: DDL doesn’t laugh at award show hosts because DDL has better material than them. The lipstick kiss on his cheek is adorable/hilarious.
BEST PICTURE
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty
Lincoln
Les Miserables
Life of Pi
Amour
Django Unchained
Argo
Traci’s prediction: Argo Molly’s prediction: Argo Winner: EVERYONE because Michelle Obama is presenting. Also, Argo.
T: Glad to see Jack came off of his courtside seat at the Lakers game to join us. Also, I have no idea what you’re saying.
MICHELLE MICHELLE MICHELLE BEST DRESSED MICHELLE BOW DOWN
MICHELLE OBAMA IS THE BILL CLINTON OF THE ACADEMY AWARDS
M: I don’t care how late I just stayed up MICHELLE OBAMA you are everything I want to be. The military folks with her have GIANT ropes on their arm. Like entire spools of rope. I don’t know much about dress uniforms but I think that means they’re good.
T: Again, I haven’t even seen Argo, but I’m on the verge of crying for their win right now.
M: Anybody else getting a little misty out there? Because I sure am. And “work harder than you possibly think you can, don’t hold grudges, and it doesn’t matter how many times you get knocked down, what matters is that you get back up” — good advice for any career. Love you, Mr. Affleck.
T: Update: I’m crying.
T: I forgot Cheno was singing, but is anyone still at the theater? JLaw is probs scavenging for food like Katniss.
M: If I were there, I’d be drunk by now.
T: Oh dear God, it’s all falling apart. Thankfully it’s over. See ya Seth. Can’t wait to see Entertainment Weekly’s headline tomorrow.
M: All right everybody, go to bed. It’s already tomorrow.
Come back tomorrow afternoon for our Best/Worst dressed post! Thanks for reading!
:00 OK, I really have high hopes for this one. This is finally going to be the one where they find true love.
:02 THIS PERSON LIVES IN WESTERN NEW YORK. JOE!!! PLEASE TELL ME YOU’RE FROM ROCHESTER.
:04 I’m sorry, but this Kari Ann girl looks like a model, and Joe looks like a kid who works at a Blockbuster and plays in a garage band (sorry, Joe). She just messages him out of the blue?? But seriously, who messages anyone out of the blue on FB? Stranger Danger, folks!
:05 OMG WAS THAT THE ROCHESTER AIRPORT? Joe lives in Warsaw, which is basically equidistant from Roc and Buffalo – in other words, the middle of nowhere on a farm.
:08 Joe’s accent is so western NY, I can’t.
:09 Commercial for Snooki and JWoww is on. I’m not gonna lie to you people. I’m excited for this. In unrelated news: my job is ruining my life.
:13 Kari Ann was Miss Teen USA, has a kid, and she was a Playboy model…
:14 So usually, it’s really easy for Nev to find something sketchy on the person, but It’s taking a while for them to find something on Kari Ann. All the people the get in contact with check out. This is a good sign folks. I’m telling you, high hopes!
:17 Nev and Max meet Joe’s friends, including this girl Rose who clearly needs to put the girls away. I mean you are on TV, but you’re also on a go-cart track with hick boys.
:26 Nev and Max are staying in Geneseo!! Aka the town where Molly went to school!!
:29 Kari Ann calls him out for being a stranger all up in their relationship, and Nev says it’s ok because “it’s a good reminder that what he’s doing is weird.” I mean the girl has a point. Imagine if a random person calling you up and being like, so your internet BF is concerned that you’re not who you say you are. Now come meet us. Kbyeeee.
:30 Nev says he’s hot after the nerve wracking conversation and proceeds to take off his sweater. I just think he is the cutesttt (I’m sorry for the onoxious ‘ttt’, but I appreciate him a lot).
:31 “We’re country folk, we stick to our own” – Joe’s dad. ugh.
:32 Ok, it’s not that weird that Kari Ann was in NYC and didn’t tell him, because the city is SIX HOURS AWAY.
:36 Joe’s shaking, I’m shaking. It’’s always about the 35 minute mark into the show when I feel like I’m going to throw up from the anticipation of the significant other revealing themselves.
:38 FUCKIN ROSE. It’s been his friend the entire time. His friend that claimed she met Kari Ann IRL and became friends with her, and that’s how Kari Ann got in contact with Joe. But props to her for keeping up the fake Kari Ann profile. She’s been doing it for years and has ‘mastered’ the art of fake profiling. Right.
:40 I feel so bad for Joe because Rose could care less that she’s hurt his feelings. Also, stop trying to be a Playboy model, but them girls away.
:46 When faced with the decision to choose between a real relationship and fake internet relationships, she hesitates and says she’s not ready to give them up. This is getting more and more intense – she’s created a bunch of fake profiles, and even told one of them to get FB engaged. Hello?!
:47 This episode is turning into an episode of Intervention. The common denominator between a lot of these people pretending to be somebody else is that they’re lacking their own self-esteem, (see: Sonny & Jamison, Jasmine & Mike, Jarrod & Abby) and in order to gain the confidence they need, they turn to fake identities of an ideal version of themselves. It’s clearly a problem they need to seek help for, especially Rose, who has lied and conned a lot of people online.
:48 She decides to post a status telling everyone she’s going away for a while and requests for no one to contact her. Yeah, because that’s going to help her addiction. Just delete everything, you psycho.
:49 Not a psycho: Joe. The kid had his heartbroken and just needs a hug. Nev, hug the boy, will you?
:58 Rose deactivates her Kari Ann profile… for 24 hours. This bitch has 1,000 friends! I don’t even have that many and I’m a real person!!!!
:51 Before Joe parts ways with his internet investigators, he asks them to drive along side him in his ATV to test the speed. Country through and through.
:59 One month later, Rose moved to Cali to be with her BF – whom she met through the Kari Ann. Apparently he was more forgiving than Joe, because when they met and she wasn’t the Playboy model, he didn’t care.
:00 Joe is still single. But not looking for love online ever again. Good for you Joe Coco. Good for you.
7:32 I’m still rooting for Lindsay Lohan. Casually, I mean — the way I still want my high school’s football team to win, but don’t want it-want it, because that would be sad.
The reason I’m casually rooting for Lindsay Lohan is that, if you asked me 10 years ago where I thought she’d be at 26, I would have pictured something better. Not an Oscar winner, but possibly a recent People’s Choice nominee. I thought she could play a pretty lady who falls in love, but also falls down in front of attractive men a lot, and has a quirky friend or a sister with kids. Maybe both!
But here we are instead, on Lifetime. I only read one review of this movie, a NYT piece that was only slightly less scathing than this review I read several years ago that was entitled “Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium is Really, Really Bad.”
Please prove them wrong, Lindsay. I care, a little.
Lohan in kinder times.
8:01 Did the movie start yet? I couldn’t find my remote (it was under my butt.)
8:03 It’s still not on. Lifetime couldn’t fill two hours, minus 45-ish minutes of commercials? This doesn’t bode well.
8:05 This is supposed to take place in yesteryear, but everyone’s clothes look too modern…
8:05 This is not Liz and Dick. Liz and Dick starts at 9. Changing to The Best of Jimmy Fallon on VH1.
8:05-9:00 JIMMY FALLON. Am I right?
9:00 Lindsay looks pretty in the title sequence! I get kind of bummed when people say she’s looking old, because I’m a fellow ginger and realize that only a year or two of hard living stand between my face and Lindsay’s, which looks like broken dreams. By my mid-30s, I honestly expect to have a face that looks like it’s held together with scotch tape and hope.
I guess she looks okay here considering it’s a mug shot [File under: faint praise]. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
9:02 Ouch. This VoiceOver IS really, really bad.
9:03 All black outfits? Directors’ chairs? What even is happening? And where is James Lipton? He should be here.
When you watch Inside the Actor’s Studio, you have to drink every time they refer to acting as “my craft.”(Photo credit: Angela Rutherford)
9:07 First “violet eyes” reference. Fake Richard Burton just said “white hot bosom” with far less irony than I’d like.
9:08 LiLo is really splitting the difference between her Hallie Parker accent and her Annie James accent here.
9:11 Ugh, Caesar haircuts. The last time I found a man with a Caesar haircut attractive was when Joshua Jackson played Pacey Whitter. I can’t be blamed. I was so young then.
The Caesar was less-bad than the frosted tips in later seasons. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
9:15 I tweeted one of my live blog observations, and immediately regretted it. What if Lohan sees it? She’s still just a human, with a twitter account and feelings. A bunch of feelings, I reckon. If she sees it, and insults me back, I just know it would be both accurate and scathing.
9:21 Lily Allen is singing? Distracting.
9:21 It was a Client List commercial. I, um, haven’t been paying much attention to this tele-film.
9:22 Liz and Dick are bathing in a tub that looks like a huge sink. It’s like they’re enormous babies.
9:24 I always feel confused when people named Elizabeth just go by Elizabeth. There are so many nickname possibilities! I’m just jealous because my parents gave me an Irish scullery maid nickname rather than a proper name.
9:28 I bet if Liz Taylor were alive, she’d be real diplomatic about this disaster. What does she care? She has violet eyes and invented White Diamonds, which smells like a really nice-smelling mom or teacher.
This is Elizabeth Taylor not worrying about LiLo because she invented a perfume that can be made into DREAMS.
9:30 Commercial for other Lifetime movies. All I know is, I’m going to watch the shit out of An Amish Murder, if I remember to.
9:38 Liz is truly an almost Dina Lohan-quality mother in this scene.
9:40 My favorite part so far was those 55 minutes when I watched Jimmy Fallon while waiting for this to start.
9:49 What’s going on? I’ve been reading the Internet and forgot to pay attention.
Sometime after 9:49 but well before the end of the movie I fell asleep by accident. I tried, sort of.
On my recent trip home to Rochester for Christmas, I took Jet Blue for the first time on my way back to Los Angeles. I’m a frequent American Airlines, U.S. Air, Virgin America flier, so taking an airline that many people I know rave about was exciting for me. Little did I know it was going to be this exciting.
2:15pm Making my usual last stop to get coffee and snacks before going to the land without Dunkin’ Donuts.
2:30pm Don’t have a seat. Need to check in with desk at gate. Hoping it’s on the aisle and not in the exit row.
2:50pm Get to my seat. It’s on the aisle – in an exit row.
2:55pm There’s a dog barking somewhere. It sounds small. It’s not stopping.
3:01:10pm Guy comes on and has a seat diagonal from me. Looks vaguely familiar. Comedian of some sort. Need to keep sneakily looking at him for clues as to his identity.
3:01:20pm Woman follows shortly behind and also looks familiar. Realize it’s Kathy Najimy of Hocus Pocus and Sister Act fame. Sister Mary Patrick goes too far back, and her daughter, holding a California flag iPhone case, tells her to come back. Confirms it’s SMP. Put together that generic comedian guy is SMP’s hubby.
Whoopi Goldberg, NOT Kathy Najimy
3:10pm My TV isn’t working. Ugh. Have to look around at surrounding televisions for entertainment.
3:11pm Generic Comedian Guy is checking is Facebook, and I see that his first name is Dan. Finally recognize him as Dan from The Dan Band .
3:12pm Amy, one of our flight attendants, comes to give us the Exit Row speech. She also does the safety instructions directly in front of my person, and for the first time in a while, I actually pay attention. We take off.
3:15pm Wondering when it’s a good time to tell Amy about my dysfunctional TV.
3:17pm Wondering why SMP was in ROC in the first place.
3:25pm Amy and her co-attendant Sarah start coming down the aisle with bevs and snacks. FREE SNACKS? Jet Blue is great.
3:26pm Decline free snacks.
3:28pm Sarah recognizes SMP and crouches down to tell her something. All I hear is “I love that movie.” Then she goes to Dan and crouches again and says, “I recognize you too… Are you a comedian? The singing one? What’s your name again? Oh yeah Dan Band!” oh my gah Sarah, smh in second hand embarrassment. You’re not a Los Angeles or NYC based flight crew, are you?
3:30pm Decline free bev – tell Sarah about dysfunctional television, she slams my armrest up and down (high-tech stuff, guys). She apologizes, says we’re a full flight, otherwise she would move me. Offers a free alcoholic beverage or a voucher. I also decline alc. I just wanted to watch TV, really.
3:32pm Play Kelly Clarkson’s Catch My Breath four times in a row on my iPod.
3:36pm Sarah comes back to give me and my seatmate a $15 voucher since the TVs don’t work. The first time I ever voluntarily speak to the person sitting next to me on a flight, I say, “Good thing I said something, huh?” Seatmate gave me a thumbs up.
3:45pm Take note of programs I’m missing because of janky TV: House Hunters, iCarly, the history of donuts, Seinfeld, Dr. Phil, and some rando TV therapist named Bill with a large black woman definitely doing the z snap with head move to some other irate woman.
3:46pm Really wishing there was a Boingo hotspot on this plane (for free) so I could watch The West Wing.
3:47pm Overthinking why anyone would name a wireless airline hotspot ‘Boingo’
3:50pm Sarah comes back to Dan, and he goes to the back of the plane with her. Really wishing I could see what happened back there, but I’m assuming she took a picture with him. S.M.H.
3:59pm Why doesn’t Jet Blue have SkyMall? That’s like, the best part of flying.
4:01pm We start our descent. Thinking about investing in motion sickness meds, even though I’ve always been ok. But I’m getting old, and on the way to ROC, there was a lot of turbulence and I almost vommed (kinda like the six year old girl behind me on that flight).
4:11pm The dog barks as soon as we touchdown. And a baby starts crying. Good timing, people.
4:15pm Get into Jet Blue’s rad JFK terminal. I lost SMP and Dan, hoping they’ll be on my flight to LAX.
4:40pm Check iMDb and apparently Dan is from Bath, NY (small town near Roc), AND AND AND he went to Emerson (the college I went to)!! Def going to try to strike up convo if they’re on my flight.
4:45pm Spend the next four hours blogging, drinking as much Dunkin Donuts’ iced coffee as humanly possible, all while watching The West Wing. Sans Boingo hotspot.
Happy Golden Globes day!!! We’ll be liveblogging throughout the show, so make sure you refresh this page to keep up!!!
Bitches getting shit done.
Welcome to the live blog of the Golden Globes 2013!!!
M. Kelly Osbourne. Kelly Osbourne always looks like she’s from the capitol in Panem.
T. BTW, we are watching the E! Red Carpet, mainly because I enjoy Ryan Seacrest, but I also have no interest in seeing Al “I sharted” Roker interview the likes of Daniel Day-Lewis and Hugh Jackman.
M. I’m trying to memorize what Amy Adams is wearing so I don’t get her confused with Jessica Chastain.
T. You know what’s always jarring? Seeing ANY of the Downton Abbey stars in modern day clothes. Lady Mary is on FIRE.
M: SO glad you mentioned Downton so I could go record it. I’m missing that and Girls for the Golden Globes. I mean… nobody really “misses” tv anymore. I’m watching them on the internet later. Clearly.
T: Sidenote: I JUST LOVE AWARDS SHOWS SO MUCH. Especially the Golden Globes. After the Emmys, it’s my favorite, because everyone’s boozed up and the best of TV and Movie people are there!
T: OMG FIRST SHOT OF TINA AND AMY AND I LEGIT JUST HAD A TEAR IN MY EYE!!!! HOW AM I GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS
T: THEY’RE BACK!! THEY LOOK SO HOT! LOVING AMY’S LOOK
M: OMG AMYYY Look at you! When I want to look really fantastic, the ideal I keep in mind is “divorced Amy Poehler.”
M: Also Tina Fey has a Kate Middleton-worthy hair cape. And her shoes look hard to walk in.
M: Contemplating the Golden Globes drinking game. I have to wake up at 6:30 to write law books though… (I’m in EST if that makes me seem less pathetic?)
T: Oh lord, I never thought I’d see the day NeNe Leakes would be strutting the Golden Globes red carpet
T: OH YEAH. JOHN KRASINSKI. SMOKE.SHOW.
M: Aziz Ansari has a “whattt? that’s racist… don’t say that again” dance move, which he attributes to his “chocolate skin tone.”
M: Little Michael J. Fox exactly looks like a little Michael J. Fox. Well I mean, he is slightly taller.
M: Jessica Chastain is in seafoam, Amy Adams in ballerina pink. Also I don’t know what my problem is because they really don’t look alike.
T: I wonder if it’s every awkward when a celeb’s significant other (who isn’t as famous) is asked to move out of the way in the press line so they can get a solo shot of the star…
T: Whoa Don Draper, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve seen you on the red carpet!
M: Rosario Dawson will always be Mimi to me. I hope she sang “Out Tonight” as she got ready.
T: J-Law! My BFF! Wait her boobs look like they’re protruding out of her body. Really hoping she says something awk sauce. Ok, nothing awkward, except the fact that she has the flu and had to put her hand on Seacrest’s arm as she went down the stairs.
M: Hell YES Jennifer Lawrence is here! Is her hair color different? Her tan line is showing, not that I’m looking at her boobs. Pretty dress though! Love the color.
M: T, Did you know Taylor Swift was nominated or did you purposefully stay away from that info? Her hair may be in a confusing side-chignon thing.
T: I did subconsciously know Swifty was nominated, however I think I forced myself to forget that fact. Although that song was really good in THG. But she still doesn’t belong here. “SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE”
M: Amanda Seyfried: “I learned [to pose] from Anne Hathaway, she’s a really good poser.” I’m sorry, DOES ANNE HATHAWAY EXCEL AT EVERYTHING?!
M: Hugh Jackman’s hair looks kind of Ron Swanson-y in the front.
M: Taylor Swift’s dress is kind of the color of chocolate, which reminds me that now is a good time for everyone to go get a snack. Right now, while she’s talking.
M: My nephew Henry, two, just wandered in. I asked what Claire Danes’ dress made him think of. Apparently it evokes Elmo.
T: So like, can I get some of the anti-ageing potion Hamm’s clearly drinking? Because Price Charming looks fioooone.
M: Hamm may be drinking it, but his wife is injecting it. Her cheeks are super tight and shiny. I’m not judging because I almost bought Botox via Groupon last month.
M: Keith Urban. My brother-in-law saw him shooting an album cover when he lived in Nashville and said he was like a really fancy well-groomed cowboy. So many highlights!
T: ADELE!!!! Love it. It’s always great trying to understand what she’s trying to say. Also, should the HFPA (Hollywood Foreign Press Association) just give her the award right now? She’s so great.
M: I can’t deal with Adele not revealing her baby’s name. Her eyelashes are enormous and must make it really hard to blink and see.
M; If you missed it Puffy just half-heartedly congratulated Sienna Miller on her baby. I don’t know what manner of baby she has but I’m assuming s/he’s no Blue Ivy. Wait, maybe he congratulated her on something else. I was too busy paying attention to how weird this situation felt to me.
T: In what world are Sienna Miller and P Diddy friends? I’m confused. She said they’ve been friends for a long time and have nicknames for each other. Heh?
M: I’m so embarrassed that I wrote “Puffy.” I am from 1998.
T: Kristen Bell is the CUTEST preggo!! I can’t say I’m in love with her dress though (PS Shameless Plug:: look out for our Best/Worst Dressed post later!)
M: Marion Cotillard is one of my favorite people to wish I looked like, but I really preferred her shorter, wavier hair. It’s not bad but if I were Marion Cotillard I would want everyone to be looking at my face.
M: Julianna Marguelis. I am misspelling your name but you are wearing this weird sheer thing that’s slowing down my processing.
T: ER REUNION WITH CLOONS AND NURSE HATHAWAY. I AM VERKELMPT. I appreciate a TV good reunion, especially of the candid variety.
M: Clooney and Marguelis just hugged for a million years. I love them so much.
T: BTW, I’m still at work, but obvi got everything done early to liveblog this bitch. But since I’m here, I’m watching the E! Red Carpet at my desk, and turned on the NBC show at my boss’ desk (who is not here). Every few minutes I literally run into the other room to see if anyone I like is being interviewed. I’m insane.
M: There are so many high necklines and so much loose, straight-ish hair tonight. See e.g. Kate Hudson.
M: I always vaguely feel like I’m not supposed to like Sofia Vergara but I LOVE Sofia Vergara.
T: I fucking love Sofia Vergara. I could lit’rally listen to her talk for days.
M: Is Ben Affleck’s facial hair for a role or just for funsies?
M: Got a quick view of Anne Hathaway’s hair and it looks very Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber. I hope the internet doesn’t think that’s an insult because it’s not.
T: People in a oneshot: Paul Rudd, Jessica Alba, and Anne Hathaway #OnlyattheGoldenGlobes
M: I wonder if people are going to like Kerry Washington’s dress, but I think it looks fantastic on her. Maybe would have pulled the hair off her face but that’s just because it’s a good face (see, Cotillard).
T: I don’t watch Scandal, so basically anytime I see Kerry Washington, I think, ‘Hey, that’s the girl from Save The Last Dance!!’’
T: LEO!!!!!!!!! I appreciate that he always shows up to the GGs. I really hope Kate shows up so he can thank her in his acceptance speech
T: Apparently, P Diddy and Sienna Miller have been friends for a while, as told by this article from 2007. They partied together. Of course.
M: Kelly Osbourne said that T.Swift would show up sexy and SHE DID. That’s not how I felt but OK, Kel. Not that Swift isn’t pretty but that’s just not how she reads to me ever.
T: A SEX BOMB, KELLY OSBOURNE? NO. TAYLOR SWIFT IS NOT A ‘SEX BOMB.
M: How I’ve missed hearing that Tina Fey/ Amy Poehler introduction from the Weekend Update era!
M: Poehler just referred to the “rat-faced people of television”, and I love her.
M: Fey: Gervais isn’t here because he is no longer in showbusiness.
M: Fey just offered to call child services for Dunham. I also feel like Lena Dunham is too young to be doing her show, but that’s only because that means that by your mid-twenties it’s acceptable to have your own tv show. I have my own car and phone and dog! And that’s it.
M: I love when Amy Poehler puts on the mean Boston lady thing.
T: BOSTON REPRESENT!! Poehler is amazing when she brings back her accent!
M: First (Only??)Anne Hathaway/ James Franco Oscars trainwreck reference. Well done, Ms. Fey.
M: Nobody has PLANS to do porn. – Amy Poehler. PREACH. It just happens sometimes.
M: Is Tina Fey’s pronunciation of Les Miserables with a thick French accent going to be a running gag? Hope so!
M: This is like watching a really good, crazy-fancy Weekend Update.
Best Supporting Actor. Our Predictions:
Best Supporting Actor
T: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
M: Leonardo DiCaprio
WINNER: Christoph Waltz!
T: Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard are at the same table as Denzel, and right behind Daniel Day-Lewis. How much are they SHITTING themselves right now??
M: Well, we were both wrong. Christoph Waltz won best supporting actor. In related news, Traci and I have not seen Django Unchained.
T: Leo upset at the top of the show! Wah Wah. If you need any consoling, let a sista know.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television
T: Maggie Smith
M:Maggie Smith
Winner: Maggie Smith!
M : Damn, we’re good at this already. Also, who else can’t believe that Hayden Pannetiere was nominated?
T: One of my favorite things about the GGs is the mingling that happens between stars during commercials. Hoping there’s plenty of surprising air kisses made between two unlikely celebs.
M: A Lea Michele hair commercial is on and I think this should be more of a Tina Fey hair commercial night. I just don’t believe her when she says that I’m “totally worth it.” It’s the “totally.” It’s just too much. Like when someone says they’re 200% sure of something, I’m way less confident than when they just leave it at 100%.
T: Hayden Pannetiere (sp?) just tweeted: “There ain’t anything like a Dame. Congratulations Dame Maggie Smith! It was an honor to have my name mentioned in a category with you!” Who wants to bet that she had that tweet ready the day she was nominated??
M: She had a separate draft saved for each other nominee. Smart girl, that Hayden.
Best Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television
T: Game Change
M: Game Change
WINNER:Game Change
M: Why aren’t we in the Hollywood Foreigh Press? I am none of those things but Traci is both Hollywood and Press. We’re batting… something. I don’t know how to do sports things, I’m really sorry.
T: Ok, every time I see Danny Strong, I can’t help but think he was Paris Geller’s boyfriend on Gilmore Girls. I mean, he’s making big moves – he’s writing the screenplay for Mockingjay!!!!!
M: The audio cut out for a sec but I think that’s just because someone started swearing REAL bad. Michael J. Fox’s son, maybe? He might be a loose cannon.
M: OH SNAP, the director of Game Change just listed Sarah Palin as one of the great impressions of Sarah Palin. I’m sorry I keep saying 1998ish things like “Puffy” and “Oh Snap.” Here are a few more: Tamagotchi. GigaPet. Ally McBeal’s Dancing Baby.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television
T: Jessica Lange
M: Julianne Moore
WINNER: Julianne Moore.
M: Did everyone know that Julianne Moore has a daughter who looks like Lindsay Lohan before everything went so wrong? In case you didn’t, now you do.
T: NO YOU DID NOT JUST START SINGING ‘DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING’ RN. NO YOU DID NOT. SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT.
M: Embarrassed for Zeta-Jones. Not as bad as Joey Potter but NOTHING is that bad. It’s like a lullaby from a baby’s fever nightmare, the Holmes On My Own rendition.
T: Does this broad know where she is….Oh the cameras aren’t scanning per her request. What does she do for the HFPA? Also is she wearing a vest made out of faux diamonds? LOLZ INDUSTRY JOKE. No but really, is this person real? I need a gif of Bradley Cooper’s reaction to her “Call Me Maybe” offer right now.
M: Dr. Aida Something-Something told the camera to scan the room and the camera didn’t scan the damn room. Don’t they know who she is? No? Me either.
She’s self-deprecating, though. And hilarious? Old-lady funny? Mildly amusing?
M: Mimi Marquez (Rosario Dawson) is wearing a peplum outfit thing. Good color on her. Can we all just admit that none of us knew that that was called “peplum” til last year? Pre-2012 I would have described it as “a Judy Jetson thing.”
Best Actor, Drama
T: Damian Lewis
M:John Hamm
WINNER: Damian Lewis
T: Sgt. Brody FTW! If you haven’t watched Homeland yet, get into it. All the cool white people are doing it. (and that JAZZ)
M: So… I should probably watch Homeland, huh? I’m not a “cool white person” but what I lack in cool I make up for in being exceptionally white.
T: Oh Lord Licorice Paul Rudd’s vamping is amazing. Selma Hayek, however, not so much. “Something about best TV”
Best Television Series, Drama
T: Homeland
M: Downton Abbey
WINNER: Homeland
M: Is Claire Danes about to ugly cry? DO IT DANES DO IT. My favorite Danes ugly cry is from her underrated work in Brokedown Palace. It’s like her face crumbles into itself.
T: Re: people mingling during commercial: RDJ kissing the cheek of Mel Gibson. Multiple times.
T: So I’ve been marathoning The West Wing for the past couple of weeks, and John Goodman shows up, and reinforces the fact that I have an unreasonable fear of him. But as he’s standing there next to the awk guy while introducing Argo, he seems ok. I just can’t separate fiction from real life.
M: For some reason I was completely, irrationally mad as a kid when I found out that John Goodman’s daughter is named Molly. I think because I imagined a child, female version of John Goodman, and that is a really unfortunate image to share your name with.
T: Ben Affleck then a shot to Jennifer Lopez. Remember when Bennifer happened?
M: Remember when they got super close to the wedding then called it off? I do, because I think it was supposed to be on my birthday. Now the only thing that happened on my birthday was I was born. I mean, so was Amy Winehouse, and the lady who started Planned Parenthood. But it’s no Bennifer wedding.
Best Original Score:
T: Lincoln
M:Lincoln
WINNER: Life of Pi
M: I didn’t see Life of Pi yet but apparently the score makes ample use of the triangle.
T: “Please welcome international music sensation Shakiki (sp?)” What? I legit thought you said Monkiki (apparently, this is the SNL portion of the liveblog)
Best Original Song
T: Skyfall, Adele
M:Suddenly, Les Miserables
WINNER: Skyfall, Adele
T: GIF OF ADELE HIGH FIVING DANIEL CRAIG, PLEASE. I LOVE YOU. Remember when she won the Grammy for Best New Artist and freaked out over the Jonas Brothers being there?
Meanwhile, Taylor Swift is pissed that she couldn’t use her ‘surprised face’ right now.
M: Adele, you are adorable. I hope Swift has some paper out and is taking notes on how to seem graciously surprised at winning. Also Taylor would 100% redeem herself right now if she ran up and grabbed the award. I’d be mad at her but it would make for such a good GIF!
But I am so mad that Adele said “my son” and didn’t name him. Is the name awful? Unpronounceable? Boring? There must be something wrong with that baby’s name.
T: Tina Fey’s Damian Francisco actually looks like it could be an alternate world Johnny Depp. Someone already made up a faux Twitter for Darcy St. Fudge. Waiting for the next one. Well played, internet.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television
T: Clive Owen
M:Kevin Costner
WINNER: Kevin Costner
M: I got SO into Hatfields and McCoys. I think I was mostly a Hatfield girl but I do like a good McCoy now and then.
T: I actually … do NOT care, Kevin Costner. For an actor, you have a very monotone voice.
M: NO ACTUALLY NO BILL SLICK WILLY CLINTON!!! I’ve loved him since I had a kind of confusing crush on him when I was like eight (that has lasted til the present day). From the look on her face Lena Dunham feels the same way. I feel bad for the young girls of 2000 – 2008 because they really never had the opportunity to have a conflicting presidential crush. I like to think even the people who like GWBush didn’t LIKE him-like him.
T: EXCUSE ME?! BILLY C?! WHAT THIS IS AMAZING. STANDING O FOR THE GREATEST PRESIDENT IN OUR LIFETIME. Next to Obama.
M: I know you can’t see this in the post, but Traci and I both stopped typing as Clinton was talking because he is a man you respect. And because he’s so dreamy oh my goodness.
T: I mean I actually stood up and started clapping, that’s why I stopped typing.
M: By the way, I was probably too dumb to understand Lincoln but It did make me wish I had a sidekick who made folksy, apt anecdotes to explain situations like Abe.
T: I CANNOT with Kristen Wyeg and Will FARrell. JK, this is the SNL portion of the show. This is like Garth and Kat times a million. I am actually crying with laughter.
M: If you’re reading this in the future (“the future” being like 1/14 or later) please find a clip of Wiig and Farrell presenting. So so funny.
Best Actress, Comedy or Musical
T: Jennifer Lawrence
M: Judi Dench
WINNER: JENNIFER FREAKIN LAWRENCE
M: I like Jennifer Lawrence winning more than I like being right about who won. She just joked about beating Meryl and I love her. Also she refers to her brothers being “mean to her, yet really supportive and loving,” which is pretty much the story of having older brothers, am I right?
T: Ok and now I’m crying because I’m so happy for her! Just the absolute greatest. No one else can say they beat Meryl and still be lovable about it!
T: JKras and KBell together?! My heart swoons to be between those two.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television
T: Mandy Patinkin
M: Ed Harris
WINNER: John McCain Ed Harris
M: Megan Fox’s face looks like it’s sculpted out of really fancy candle wax. The good kind, like the stuff they made those wizard candles out of at those mall kiosks in the mid-90s.
Best Supporting Actress:
T: Anne Hathaway
M: Sally Field
WINNER: Anne Hathaway’s ugly crying.
T: ANNE HATHAWAY JUST SAID “BLERG” 30 Rock shoutout!! AND Princess Diaries shoutout!? Ok, Anne Hathaway, you can keep this award.
M: She also just referenced the Princess of Genovia. I love Hathaway.
T: Surprise mingling: Adele and Jennifer Gardner. It’s a small room, so maybe the Afflecks will run into the Lopez-Smart contingent? The night is still young.
M: Maybe they’re talking about their babies and Garner is bragging that hers all have NAMES.
Best Screenplay
T: Silver Linings Playbook
M:Argo
WINNER: Django Unchained
T: Ugh, Quentin Tarantino I wasn’t suspecting you to get this either. So over you. I’ve actually stopped listening.
M: Again, we didn’t see this movie. But from what I hear, ¾ of the screenplay is just the direction [guy shoots other guy].
M: Jeremy Irons is wearing quite the frock-coat.
T: SCAR! Oh sorry, Jeremy Irons.
M: I think it’s about time to bring Tina and Amy back out. Anyone wanna bet what Billy Clinton is doing right now? Greenroom eating some vegan stuff? Mingling with everybody? Stealing my heart?
Best Actor, Television Comedy or Musical
T: Louis C.K.
M: Louis C.K.
WINNER: Don Cheadle.
T: Come awwnn. I’m not doing that well on my ballot anymore… the HFPA always throws a curveball. So weird.
M: Every time I hear “Matt Blank” I think someone is just trying to Ellis Island-ize Matt LeBlanc.
T: Remember when Arnold was the governor of the state I live in? And what happened to Rocky’s neck/lack of neck?
M: Holy crap it’s like his head is held on by his shirt collar.
Best Foreign Language Film
T: Amour
M:Amour
WINNER: Amour
M: We have reached the point in the evening where I look at the categories left and think that the show couldn’t possibly take another hour and a half, let alone run long. And yet…
T: They should have specifically put subtitles up for this category alone.
M: I feel like I SHOULD like Lea Michele but I just don’t. Also she’s so so tan. Her entire body looks like when 12-year-old girls try to wear bronzer and layer it too much.
T: Rachel Berry is pulling her best Angelina Jolie right now. And it’s not working.
Best Actress, Drama
T: Claire Danes
M: Claire Danes
WINNER:Claire Danes
M: In case you didn’t feel inferior to her already, Claire Danes won a Golden Globe at 15. Is she drunk a little?
T: Glenn Close looks like she’s crying for her loss. Also, Claire why do you have raccoon eyes? Maybe that’s why Glenn Close is upset. Stop trying to make jokes Claire. It’s not funny. Remember the Emmys? Your ‘holla’ was not funny then either.
M: Claire Danes is drunk a little.
T: Definitely drunk a little: Sacha Baron Cohen. Calling Russell Crowe out!! Ballsy. We so called this when we liveblogged it.
Best Animated Film
T: Rise of the Guardians
M: Brave
WINNER: Brave
M: I was watching Brave (for the second time…) with my nephews last week and one of them said that I’m like Merida (read: red-haired), but that I “would need to get married.” And I was like what is wrong with you, you missed the ENTIRE point of the movie. Then he suggested that I could marry his dad, except he’s already married. Yeah, kid. Married and also my BROTHER.
T: Ballot regret: Choosing a winner in permanent ink but immediately having qualms over the pick. You can file Brave under Ballot Regret.
M: Which Downton lady is wearing the giant turban? The camera didn’t linger long enough.
M: I was about to ask where they’ve been hiding Fey and Poehler but the next category explains it:
Best Actress, Television Comedy or Musical
T: Amy Poehler
M: Amy Poehler
WINNER: Lena Dunham
M: I LOVE love Girls, but I’m not sure about this. She kind of reminds me of Jerry Seinfeld in that she’s the brain behind the series, but I don’t necessarily see her as a great actress.
T: Girls is the best (slash omg it comes back tonight!). Major props to Lena, and I think I’m ok with her winning over Amy and Tina. I usually hate when people bring up speeches, but that was really sweet. In fact, I’m tearing up a little. She plays every role (actress, writer, director, producer) on the show, so well deserved. But can someone in the press room get her new shoes tho?
M: However, Dunham is stealing my heart here with her shaking hands. I think the short hair really works on her, never noticed her eyes before really.
T: I feel like it’s been AGES since Tamy (tina/Amy) have been out on the stage! But so worth the wait though. If that’s Glenn Close wasted, I don’t want to know what she’s like on drugs (or maybe I do).
T: Sidenote, if Tina dances with Glenn at a party tonight, I want to be there. No, but really, how do I get invited to a Golden Globes after party?
M: No pressure but if you crash one we’ll probably get internet famous and if you don’t crash one you’re ruining my life.
T: Is Jodie Foster old enough to get this award? The last three people to win it were Martin Scorsese, Robert DeNiro, and Morgan Freeman. I mean, good company, but … really? Oh she just said she’s 50. Ok. Still not old enough.
M: I hope this doesn’t mean that Jodie Foster is secretly terminally ill. Else she should have 30-50 more years of lifetime. What if she stops achieving after this? (I would)
M: This ENTIRE show was brought to you by SNL (See Foster’s Sally O’Malley impression).
T: I knew it Jodie Foster, you were trying to be funny. But it didn’t work. Oh lesbians.
M: Did EVERYONE start swearing at once? The audio was gone for like 30 seconds.
M: So Jodie Foster’s announcement is that she’s not Honey Boo Boo child? I know, I know. You will NEVER be as majestic as one Alanna Thompson.
T: If this speech is supposed to make me like you more, it’s not working.
M: She’s drunk or she meant for this to happen. I don’t know which one to choose to believe. I presume they can’t cut you off in a lifetime achievement speech. I take this back if she is dying because is that what she was saying – re “never being on any stage again?” And everyone in the audience is weeping and I have NO CLUE what’s going on. And she closed with calling herself lonely. That was so sad and I don’t even know what just happened.
T: I don’t know why I didn’t think of this earlier, but Tumblr came to the rescue in the gif department. Here’s the Adele/Daniel Craig gif I requested earlier!!!
Best Director
T: Ben Affleck
M: Steven Spielberg
WINNER: Ben Affleck
T: SUCK ON THAT, OSCARS. BEN AFFLECK FTW!!! Everyone’s standing because Hollywood loves him. Except maybe J Lo.
T: SHUT UP JAY LENO. YOU’RE THE WORST. I JUST WANT JIMMY.
Best Television Series, Comedy or Musical
T: Girls
M: Girls
WINNER: Girls
M: SO HAPPY!
T: Oh geez they’re making Lena walk again. Just take the shoes off. I do adore the group hug the ‘Girls’ had.
M: Lena Dunham: “Do you guys want to make any sounds?” I love that cast. I also didn’t recognize Allison Williams at first.
T: Where’s Leo? Probs drinking his sorrows away with Kate in a secret bar at the Hilton.
T: One more thing about Girls, I am so pleased that Lena and co. were presented with the award by Jimmy Fallon, who Lena had a crush on throughout her formative years. Watch her fangirl to him when she appeared on his show for the first time. She wrote a play about him!!!
Best Actor, Comedy or Musical
T: Hugh Jackman
M: Bradley Cooper
WINNER: Hugh Jackman
M: I stand by what I said before about Jackman’s Ron Swanson hair. In addition, I think he’s using the same body bronzer as Lea Michele.
T: I secretly hoped it would be B Coop to win this, but Jean Van Jean was just no match. Any other year, I think he would have won this. Also, this means that he probs won’t win the Oscar. Prove me wrong, Academy.
Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical
T: Les Miserables
M: Silver Linings Playbook
WINNER: Les Miserables
M: Hathaway CHRIST you can’t just thank people willy-nilly.
T: Fantine is already drunk. WTF just happened to you.
M: You’re right, she’s wasted.
T: I really just want to watch Silver Linings Playbook again. If you haven’t seen it, get on it. Even if you have no idea what it’s about.
M: Agreed, I would absolutely see that again. Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence were both just amazing.
Best Actress, Drama
T: Jessica Chastain
M: Jessica Chastain
WINNER: Jessica Chastain
M: If you haven’t seen Zero Dark 30, do. Chastain was incredible.
T: Literally just said “Awwww” outloud to Jessica Chastain’s win. I haven’t even seen Zero Dark Thirty. She just looks like a nice girl
M: She looks like someone I know and I can’t place who. I mean other than Amy Adams. Again, they really don’t look alike but I can only tell the difference when they are side by side. I’m the same way with Coke and Diet Coke.
M: Annnnd there go my first real tears of the night. Still can’t believe Kathryn Bigelow wasn’t nominated for an Oscar.
Best Actor, Drama
T: Daniel Day-Lewis
M: Daniel Day-Lewis
WINNER: Daniel Day-Lewis
M: Traci, I think we’re more right when we agree with each other.
T: ^Fact.
Olympics reference! I had no idea DD-L was a jokster.
M: I can’t un-see Abraham Lincoln in DD-L’s face now. But it’s weird not hearing him in that old-timey Midwestern accent, right?
Best Motion Picture, Drama
T: Argo
M:Argo
WINNER:Argo
M: I love the people they choose to show after a win is announced. Sean Combs?
T: arGOO! (ugh, sorry). This is a great win. I haven’t seen this movie either, but I enjoy Ben Affleck, so WTG. Also, hey Walter White. Forgot you were in this movie.
M: Poehler: “We’re going home with Jodie Foster!”
T: Me: I wanna go home with Tina and Amy.
M: But not Jodie Foster. She was kind of a downer. Not to mention confusing. I think she’ll be a crying drunk girl later. And I don’t think she even WATCHES Honey Boo Boo.
Traci final score: 15 out of 25
Molly final score: 12 out of 25.
Thanks for reading everyone! We had a blast. Join us next time when we live blog our BFF dance party with Tina, Amy, and Glenn Close.
We saw Les Mis and took notes during the movie, because we’ll do anything to become internet famous. Obvi there are spoilers ahead, but in our defense, this musical’s been out for 25 years.
T: The Overture is playing and I’m already fighting the urge to sing along.
M: Just me, or do the first chords of the overture sound like the beginning of Beauty and the Beast, another beloved musical set in 19th century France? I am now composing a mental mash up: “Little town, it’s a quiet village (At the end of the day you’re another day older), Every day like the one before (And that’s all you can say in the life of the poor).” Works pretty well.
T: A straggler walks up the stairs next to us wearing an ugly Christmas sweater (non-ironically); reminds me I’m in the suburbs where people actually do that.
M: Okay, SO funny Traci should mention that, because I made a mental note to ask her whether she’s missed Western NY fashions and coiffure. [My physical note, however, simply read “THIS SWEATER.”]
T: Wondering if Hugh Jackman’s gnarly beard is real. It looks like a grey Brillo pad.
M: Why does Valjean have an accent out of a 1950s western? This shit is getting rhotic
T: Note to self: Look up the ginge Foreman in the factory where Fantine works, looks famil.
T: Alright. I had my doubts about Princess Diaries when I saw the first trailer, but seeing her in I Dreamed a Dream is basically why she deserves all the awards. This also marks the first time I teared up.
M: Anne Hathaway is one of the most phenomenal ugly criers I’ve seen. I hope that is taken as the compliment that it is. Her crying deserves its own blog post. (T note: Don’t worry guys, it’s coming)
“If I don’t get an Oscar for this, I swear to God…”
T: Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter are on point as Madame and Monsieur Thenardier. Except Cohen’s accent is questionable, pretty sure I heard Borat sneaking in there.
M: I am just confused. Why is Sacha Baron Cohen being allowed to do what I assume is supposed to be a French accent? See, this is why most movies set in non-anglophone countries just make everyone sound vaguely British: consistency. And so accents like this don’t happen.
T: So here’s the thing with going into a movie-musical adaptation with knowledge of the music so well: you can’t help but go in comparing the new version to the original. In this case I’d say everyone made it their own… Except Russell Crowe. This was especially evident during Stars. His performance was mediocre at most, and felt flat the entire time. It was like a high school student singing in his chorus concert. This number is supposed to be the first breakout song for Javert, a song that expresses his desire to hunt down JVJ, but it felt like Russell was just trying to focus on hitting the notes. And everyone knows he’s a good actor, but it just did not show at all in the movie. If you want to see a real version of Stars, watch Phillip Quast.
M: I am getting so much secondhand vertigo from Javert walking on this ledge. I feel like I’m going to sympathy puke like I’m in third grade and the teacher has just brought out that vomit-muffling sawdust. Also I see what you’re doing here, Les Mis.
T: Fun fact: Nick Jonas of Selena Gomez’s ex-bf played Gavroche on Broadway when he was a little kid. He went on to play Marius in the west end production in 2011, where Samantha Barks, who plays Eponine in the movie, also played Eponine to Nicky’s Marius. They both were in the 25th anniversary concert production which I remember watching and felt second hand embarrassment for Nick J, even though I love him (no shame).
M: No wait. Just wait. The kids are all so Cockney that I think Cosette’s going to tell Thenardier “please sir, I want some more” and call JVJ “gov’nah.” What sort of Parisian United Nations is this supposed to take place in? Let’s make it easy: BBC accents for rich people, chav-speak for poor people.
T: AARON TVEIT!!!! I seriously forget every time that Aaron is in Les Mis as rev leader Enjorlas. To theater nerds, you know who he is. To everyone else, you may recognize him as Trip Archibald, Nate’s politician cousin that seduced Serena in Gossip Girl. Or as I know him, a smokeshow Broadway singer that I’m in love with.
M: This anachronistic hair is killing me! Who would have cut Eponine’s side bangs for her? That’s pretty high maintenance for someone who likely would have bathed about as often as she celebrated Christmas.
T: Can someone explain to me why Samantha Barks is so so tiny?! Corset probably? Or like that ancient Chinese foot banding thing but for her waist?
M: God Christ Jesus, Samantha Barks’s waist was achieved with CGI… Right? Mother of God there is no hope for the rest of us.
CGI, yes?
T: Can someone also explain to me why I found Hugh Jackman attractive while he was wearing his Seinfeld puffy shirt and lederhosen??
M: I have grown so old that I can’t sit one way for 20 minutes without my knees hurting. I bet this is super distracting to the people behind me. I mean I hope it is, this girl has kicked my seat back at least once a musical number.
M: My notes during On My Own read “Joey Potter.” I meant this. Holmes killed it. She made that song die.
T: Oh hey, remember that time when my favorite (least favorite) Taylor Swift was almost cast as Eponine? Really dodged a bullet with that one.
M: New blog post: Les Mis songs as written by Taylor Swift? “She wears hoop skirts, I wear corsets, She’s petit bourgeois, I’m just a street kid…”.
M: Are these ridiculously attractive young men representative of what Frenchmen look like? I don’t remember seeing so many handsome gents when I went there, but if someone can confirm I may have to go back.
M: I was cringing the second Gavroche began singing Little People. Don’t even start, lil buddy! It’s not going to go great.
T: Pretty sure I heard somebody snoring during Empty Chairs.
T: Eddie Redmayne tho. WTG.
T: Something I’ve never thought about before: why was it so easy for Cossette and Marius to fall in love after making googly eyes at each other and signing a duet through a cast iron fence? I’m available to do that with a suitor at any time.
M: Why is only Eponine’s face wet? Little fall of rain, indeed.
M: Alright, there it goes on Marius.
M: Dude, no. Javert, no. Get off the ledge. I’m getting a headache.
T: JVJ’s death scene (kind of) verbatim:
JVJ : I can die now. I’m over this.
Fantine: Yes, come hang out with me and all these boys from the rev.
Cossette : No, don’t die. You can’t die.
JVJ: Yes I can.
Cossette: No you can’t!
JVJ: Yes I can, woman! Watch me. PS: Here’s a letter I wrote about my life because I couldn’t tell you when I had the chance.
JVJ dies.
T: Total times I cried: 4. Sounds about right.
M: Cried less than I thought! Like twice-ish. Little tears. I thought I was going to go full-Hathaway.
T: In case you were wondering: ginge foreman was no one. I’m not always right about these things.
M: Just so you know, a lot of people have been googling “Samantha Barks waist” and now I’m oddly concerned that she’ll find out and get self-conscious. Girl, ya look good. I mean she’s probably doing fine, right? Yeah.
There are nine spellers left. NINE. Don’t they know that 
Cookies + Sangria 
